I took a deep breath as I sat on the couch, waiting for him to come home.  My heart is beating faster than a heart is supposed to beat, in fact I’m pretty sure it’s going to jump out of my body. The man I love more than anything in life is going to come through that door any minute and I’m supposed to tell him something that will break his heart. It won’t just break his heart; it’ll tear it out and rip it up into a million pieces. Gosh, now I feel sick to my stomach.

         His car just pulled into the driveway, and now I can hear him at the front door. Oh gosh Addison, take deep breaths. I can’t do this. I don’t have to; I’ve kept it a secret for almost a year ago.  Granted, I’ve been beating myself up since the day it happened, but maybe it’ll hurt less if I wait longer. I could tell him on the day after our wedding, or the day of our 50th anniversary. I like that even better.

         “Hey,” I heard his voice and looked up from the ground. I tried to look him in his eyes but I couldn’t, “What’s the matter?”

         Perfect Justin pulled me up into his arms. The second I felt his arms around me I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I felt myself bawling. “Ads, what’s going on? Is everyone alright?”

         I nodded my head, “I just need to tell you something. But you need to promise that you’ll listen to everything before you freak out ok? And you know how much I love you, more than anything Justin.”

         He sat down straight, looking directly into my soul, “What’s going on Addison?”

         OK, there’s no holding back now. I need to breathe and tell him. I closed my eyes because I couldn’t look into his eyes as I spoke, “I um… ok I just need to tell you. It happened almost a year ago so it’s like the past. I probably should have told you then but I was too scared, and I’m still too scared but it’s killing me. Like I’m having issues, so I need to get it out.” I looked up at Justin but he was just looking onto space. I wish he would say something, anything. “When you were um… it was that night when we just came back from New York. We were fighting because you were so stressed and my cousin’s wedding was that weekend and you couldn’t come because you had to do that photo shoot. Remember? We were out at Hyde and you were in a real bad mood and got pissed about something and left early. Remember? You took the car and left me?”

         He nodded his head but he’s looking at the ground. It’s like he knows what I’m about to say. “Keep going.”

         “I um… I was drinking and I probably had too much to drink. But I wasn’t drunk; I knew what I was doing. Being drunk is definitely not an excuse. There is no excuse, none at all. And it was a huge mistake, the biggest mistake…”

         “Spit it out Addison.”

         “Adam and I… kissed,” I answered softly hoping maybe he didn’t hear me and I wouldn’t have to repeat it and we could move on. But he heard me. Justin didn’t say anything, he continued looking at the ground completely stone faced. “I’m trying to be honest because it’s been bothering me forever. It was so stupid and it meant nothing. We both realized what we were doing and stopped, I mean it was just a kiss, hardly even a kiss.”

         “Adam.” He spoke softly, moving his gaze to me, “Adam Maloney? My friend who you hooked up with five years ago?”

         “When I first came out here, before I even knew you,” I answered quickly. Adam and I do have a bit of a history. When I first moved out to California I met Adam and we became friends. It was nothing more than friends until one night that we hooked up. It was just one night, a complete one-night stand, and after that I stopped talking to him because it was weird. Then two years later while I’m dating Justin we went to a party and Adam was there. It turns out Adam and Justin were old friends.

         When Justin found out that Adam and I hooked up, even though it was just that one time, he was pissed. I guess he had the right to be, I mean, I don’t think any guy wants to meet a guy that his girlfriend hooked up with, especially when it’s his best friend.  But like I said it was way before I even met Justin.  And now we’re here four years later and it’s still causing issues.

         “I’m sorry Justin, I’m so sorry. I was mad at you and I had some drinks and I didn’t think about what I was doing. It was stupid, obviously, but it meant nothing.”

         He won’t speak. He won’t look at me. It’s like he hates me so much he can’t even look at me. My heart is breaking, I feel sick to my stomach. I shouldn’t have told him.

         “I can go,” I spoke between tears, “If you want me to go for a little while so you can think I will.” He didn’t answer. I really wish he would show me some kind of emotion. I can’t take the silence even though I know that’s how he deals with it. “I’ll go take the dogs for a walk,” I managed to stand up and placed my hand on his shoulder, “I love you Justin.”

         He doesn’t care; he won’t even look at me. What is wrong with me? How could I be so stupid? He’s given me everything, absolutely everything. And I’m the horrible bitch of a girlfriend, fucking fiancé, who does shit for him. We didn’t go for much of a walk. I couldn’t walk. I stopped at the dog park and let them run around while I sat on a bench and felt my life crash before me. I was out there for a while because I didn’t want to go back in the house and face Justin again. This has to be a nightmare. There’s no possible way this is really happening.

         When I got back to the house Justin was still sitting in the same spot he was when I left. He looked up at me when I walked in, “You should go home.”

         Here comes the bawling, pure blurry vision, can’t breathe bawling. I heard the door close and managed to clear my tears enough to run to the window and see him drive off. Oh shit, this is serious. What am I doing? If he wants me to leave I have to leave. I have to give him his time and let him think. I owe him that.  I also need to stop crying and imagining my life without him so I can get some things together.

         Justin came back home a little over an hour later. He had his hood up and never took his sunglasses off so he could hide the fact that he’s been crying. He doesn’t cry. The only time I’ve seen him cry during our five-year relationship is when his mother’s dog died. Now I’m making him cry, I’m the reason for those tears. When I saw him cry the day the dog died it broke my heart. I was crying right along with him and I’d never even seen the dog before. I knew that I never wanted to see him cry again and now I’m the fucking reason that he’s crying.

         “Ready?” was all he said as he grabbed my bag by the door and went right back to his car.

         “No, I’m not ready, I’m never going to be ready,” I said to the closed door between sobs.

 Brennen and Buckley, our two boxers ran up to me as if they knew they had to say goodbye. They’ve been freaking out ever since they saw the suitcases; they always get worried when we leave. I knelt down to hug them and they each licked my face, clearing all the tears away. Those dogs always make me laugh; they’re completely out of control even though we’ve spent so much money and time trying to train them. Nothing works, “Eww, thanks guys. I’ll miss you.” I kissed each of them on their head and grabbed my purse before walking outside.

Justin was sitting in the car looking out the window. I took a deep breath before getting in and immediately turned the radio down since he had it so loud. He reached over and turned it back up, just to be an asshole. “Can we please turn it down a little? My heart is thumping with the base and I already have a migraine.”

He shook his head and reached over and turned it down a little. I know music helps him deal with shit but there’s absolutely no need to have it that loud. We drove to the airport in complete silence. He didn’t say anything and I was afraid to talk because I knew he wouldn’t respond. I felt like if I were to talk it would hurt even more, at least this way I can pretend the silence isn’t because of me.

We stopped in the departure area, neither of us moving. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before speaking, “Justin, I…” the sound of the car door slamming shut made my eyes jolt open. I watched as Justin went around to the trunk and pulled my bags out. I wiped the tears away and said a silent prayer that he would put my bags back and drive right back home. He can yell and scream and tell me exactly what is going on in his head. I’ll just sit there and listen, I don’t even care.

Justin is standing out there crossing his arms and now he’s walking over to the passenger side of the car and he tapped the window. I looked around to see paparazzi coming towards us, that’s exactly what we need. I got out quickly and wrapped my arms around him. It would have been a hug but he kept his arms by his side. I sniffled back the tears, “I love you. I’ll call you when I get in, all right? I’m so sorry; you have no idea how sorry I am. It was the biggest mistake and I…”

“Bye Addison,” he answered before I could finish.

“I love you Justin. I love you so much,” I spoke as he walked to the car and drove off quickly.

Two weeks later I’m driving to the house with my best friend Michelle. She just picked me up from the airport and is taking me back home since Justin will not pick me up since he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I’ve been crying nonstop for the past two weeks so there’s no reason why I’d stop now.

“Sweetie, pull yourself together. It’s going to be all right. You have to stay strong. Go in there and tell him how you feel and explain everything.”

“He won’t listen.”

“Well make him listen. You’ve been together for five years you’re fucking engaged. He needs to listen. He owes you that. It was a fucking kiss, he needs to get over it.”

“Stop being my best friend and stop telling me what I want to hear. You don’t have to take my side Michelle, I fucked up.” I can’t breathe anymore; I’m about to have a panic attack. I’ve never had a panic attack before but I would imagine this is what one feels like.

“What you did was wrong. I’ve said that from the beginning, and I think you should have told him a long time ago. But you did the right thing. You needed to tell him, I’m proud of you. It’s going to be alright though, he loves you.”

“He loved me,” I corrected her, “He loved me more than anything but now he hates me.”

“That’s not true and you know it’s not true. Justin’s sensitive. I get that, we all get that, you gave him time to think and now he’s thought it all over and everything is going to be fine. He’s going to be pissed for a while, he’ll probably be quiet and you’re clearly not going to be able to see Adam. Like ever again. Which is fine, right?”

“I don’t give a fuck about Adam.”

“Exactly. So you’re good. Relax, fix your make-up and go in there and remind him why he proposed to you in the first place.”

She’s absolutely right. I can’t go in there crying and looking like a wreck. I need to straighten my shit out and act like I’m not a complete nutcase. Look on the bright side Addison; it’s a beautiful day. I get to see Justin again. I missed him so much. And I get to see the dogs, my babies. Everything is going to work out. It has to. I’ve been with Justin for five years; I don’t even remember my life without him.

Michelle pulled up to the gate just as I finished retouching my makeup. I think I look halfway decent, at least not like I’ve been crying for the past two weeks straight. As she drove up the driveway I heard her under her breath, “Shit.”

“Shit what?” I asked looking up to see a U-Haul truck parked between Justin’s Mercedes and my Prius. My heart stopped beating, it literally stopped. “OK, so I’m just going to go and lay down behind your car so just back up over me a couple times, maybe like ten times. I don’t know, however many it takes, if I’m still breathing just keep going, ok?” I’m crying. I can’t stop. There’s literally a UHAUL truck in my fucking driveway, I can’t breathe.

“Stop. Stop sweetie, stop,” she’s crying too, I swear to God she’s crying too. I felt the car stop and she leaned over to hug me tightly, “It’s ok, you’re going to be ok. Just go in and talk to him. You’re mascara’s running,” she laughed as she wiped under my eyes with the sleeve of her shirt, “God Addison, you should know to wear waterproof mascara. Just go in and talk to him. Do you want me to come in with you” I shook my head, I need to handle this by myself. “Alright, you call me if you need me. I’ll be close and I’ll come. I’ll be back here in like a minute, all right. Stay strong, I love you. You’re going to be ok.”

I hate how everybody is so glass half full. It’s not ok, it’s not going to work out there is a fucking UHAUL truck in my driveway! A fucking UHAUL TRUCH IN MY DRIVEWAY BECAUSE OF A FUCKING KISS! Five years! This is bullshit.

When I finally made my way into the house I saw Justin standing by the bookshelf, throwing my books in a cardboard box. He looked up when I came in and went right back to doing what he was doing. I got a half a second of his attention. This is fucking fantastic.

“What are you doing?” I asked the question as I sat down on the couch and the dogs came running and jumping on me.

“I’m packing your shit. You can help… or you can sit there and watch, that works too.”

I took a deep breath, I don’t know who he is anymore. This is not Justin. I get that he’s pissed but this going overboard, completely overboard.  “I’m not going to help until you listen. This is insane Justin. I made a mistake, a huge mistake.”

“Yeah, one of those mistakes that you regret for the rest of your life,” he answered coldly.

“It was a kiss Justin, it could have been so much more. A kiss! We’ve been together for five years!”

“And we were engaged. You’ve got that fucking ring on your finger, right? You kissed my fucking best friend!” I hate when he screams, he doesn’t scream too much but when he does he turns all red and his face looks like it’s going to explode.

“I was drunk...”

“Oh, now you were drunk? Before you just had a couple drinks and you knew what you were doing.”

“I had some drinks, I knew what I was doing. I don’t know Justin! I don’t know! All I know is that I made the biggest mistake of my life and I am so sorry. And I love you more than anything and I can’t leave! Please don’t make me leave.” I grabbed onto his arm and he pulled it away quickly.

“Stop crying, stop fucking crying! I don’t want to hear it. You need to pack up your shit Addison.”

“I’ve given up so much for you. And this is it? I moved out here for you, I left everyone.”

“You did not,” he answered with a laugh, how the fuck can he be laughing right now? “When I met you, you were already living out here.”

“Well I stayed out here for you!” I can’t fucking think straight, “I would have gone home a long time ago, and you know that I wanted to.”

“The good news is… now you can” he fucking smiled.

“Who are you?”

“Who are you? You’re not the fucking girl I fell in love with, that’s for damn sure. Stop being a drama queen, get off your ass and start packing your shit.” Justin screamed as he threw a last book in the box and grabbed the tape so it closed so loudly. I can’t handle how loud the damn tape is. It sounds a lot like my heart getting ripped out of my chest.

I’m back to crying and I don’t even care anymore. “It was one kiss,” I answered in a whisper, “Hardly even a kiss. People do way worse and they get through it.”

“One kiss, with my best friend. You forgot to mention that part.”

“So it’s all me then, right? Because you’re still fucking friends with him. I guess I must have thrown myself at him and forced him to kiss me. Cause its all my fault.”

Justin grabbed another box, throwing more of my things inside it, “So you’re saying it’s all him then? Right? That’s what you’re saying? He made you do it?  Should we call it fucking rape? Should I call the cops?”

“Oh fuck off! You’re absolutely ridiculous. It wasn’t all him, it wasn’t all me. It was a fucking kiss Justin. A kiss! A year ago!”

“Yeah, a year ago, which is a whole other issue. You lied to me for a fucking year, that’s not a big deal? I proposed to you, got down on one fucking knee, gave you a hundred grand ring, and begged you to marry me. When three fucking months earlier you were making out with my best friend!”

“A kiss Justin, a fucking kiss. Not making out.”

“No, not this time. But you did. At one point. Hell, you even fucked. Right? You sucked his dick. You fucking rode him all night. I know, I know, it was a long time ago. But you kissed him not so long ago. Which means there’s still something there, even though you told me that nothing would ever happen between you two. You told me this three years ago when I found out, and again, and again, and probably again the fucking morning after you made out. Or kissed, my bad, just kissed.”

“I know how much I hurt you, I know that’s a big deal because it’s Adam. I get that, and I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I love you more than anything and I can’t just let this happen. You need to give me one more chance, please just give me one more chance. I’ll do anything. I won’t complain when you want to have all your friends over for poker. I’ll go to the Lakers games and I won’t ask any questions, I’ll just sit there quietly and cheer when you cheer.” He didn’t answer, maybe he’s actually thinking about it. Is it possible that he could be changing his mind?

“Addison come on, stop,” he answered softly.

“Please Justin, I’ll wear those thongs that you love so much even though they feel like a piece of floss up my ass crack. I’ll throw all my other panties away and I’ll just wear those. We totally don’t have to do the roses on each table at the wedding. We don’t even need flowers, I don’t care. Please Justin, I’m begging you. Please don’t make me go.”

He grabbed a box and walked to the truck so he could get away from me, but I followed him. I can hardly walk and I can hardly breathe or see through all these tears but I can’t let him go. “Please Justin.”

“Don’t do this Addison,” he whispered, looking right into my soul.

“How can I not? How can I sit back and let this happen? You’re my world; I don’t know how to live without you. I don’t know how to breathe. Justin, I haven’t slept in two weeks. It was a kiss, and I’m so sorry.  Please Justin.”

“Just stop,” he put a hand on either of my shoulders, “Go back inside for a minute.”

Why is he telling me to go inside? What’s going on?

“Are you moving?” I heard that voice I’ve grown to loathe ever since I met Justin. Tommy is the annoying neighbor who has been here at every step in our relationship. He is the most annoying, nosey human being that has ever walked on this earth. He’s a writer, or so he says, but he’s always home and always looking out that damn bedroom window that looks right into our yard. He was there the first day I went to Justin’s house. Tommy was there when I met Justin’s family, when he met mine, when I moved in, when we brought home our first Christmas tree. Every step of our relationship Tommy has managed to show up. It’s only fitting that he be here for the ending as well.

“Oh, great. Tommy’s here! Of course! How are you Tommy? Great, I’m so glad!”

“Addison, stop it,” Justin whispered to me.

“I’m not going to stop Justin, because he’s nosey and he needs to get the fuck off our property,” I whispered back, “And you need to tell him, you need to yell at him, we need to get a fucking restraining order.”

“Relax, he’s not doing anyone any harm.” He’s too nice. Justin will never yell at him when I know for a fact Tommy annoys the fuck out of him.

“He’s doing me harm.”

“You’re doing yourself harm. Just shut up.”

Justin has never told me to shut up before. Now we’re out here in the driveway, packing up all my things and he tells me to shut up so he can stand up for his creepy neighbor. This can’t be happening.  I took a deep breath to calm myself down. “You’re killing me, you’re really killing me.”

“Just go inside.”

I decided I’d be better off if I did what he said. There’s no way we need to add another battle to the war. I don’t even know what to do with myself. The thought of living without Justin makes me sick. I’ve lived with him for so long, I’ve dated him for even longer and we were planning our wedding. I don’t understand how a stupid kiss can ruin all that. It makes me mad. It’s like our relationship was worth nothing. People make mistakes. Relationships go through tough times. We’ve never gone through anything hard. The first sign of something bad and I’m getting kicked out of his life. I’m not worth making it work.

I didn’t make it all the way inside, instead I sat on the steps watching Justin talk to Annoying Tommy. I’ll never understand why he feels that he has to be nice to this man. Tommy is in his fifties at least, it’s not like he doesn’t have any friends, he always has people over. He’s not married, I know that much. It doesn’t even matter. The fact is he’s the most annoying person in the world and I’m trying to beg and plead for my fiancé to take me back and he’s not helping.

I heard a loud crash and looked up to see Justin pushing Tommy down the driveway. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he screamed, “A fucking camera. You’re taking fucking pictures of the worst day of my life. Get the fuck out of here!”

The gate was slammed shut before Justin made his way back up to the house. He picked up the camera he threw on the ground and threw it in the garbage can as he walked by. “Fucking bullshit,” he said under his breath walking right past me and ignoring the dogs as they met him at the door. Justin ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath before falling to the couch.

“Alright, I don’t want to fight anymore. Honestly, I don’t have the strength,” he spoke softly, “I just need you to leave.”

“Justin…”

“Don’t. Don’t make it harder. I know it was just a kiss and I thought I could get over it but I can’t. I mean, since the day I found out you hooked up in the first place I couldn’t get over it. And this is just… I don’t know, I can’t. I know you’re sorry, I know it was a mistake, but I can’t. I can’t marry you, I can’t…. even look at you. I’m sorry. You deserve more than that but I can’t. So just get your stuff, alright, and go.”

I’m crying again, and so is he. If he’s crying and I’m crying why don’t we just stop and stay together forever? That’s how it’s supposed to work. “Where am I going to go?”

“I don’t know baby, go home. You wanted to go back home. Stay with Michelle. Get an apartment. I don’t know. I’ll take care of the wedding stuff.” Now he’s really crying, and I feel like my life is over. I’d rather die. I’d rather him kill me.  Justin put his arm around me and pulled me into a tight hug. I can’t even begin to explain how good it felt to be in his arms again. I closed my eyes and tried to take it all in, the scent of his cologne, the way he feels around me, the way he breathes. “I do love you.”

“Then why can’t we make it work?”

“Because it doesn’t happen like that, it can’t happen. I’m sorry Addison, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But I can’t get over it.” He grabbed onto my hand and ran his fingers over the ring, “You can keep the ring, I don’t want it back.”

I had one of those awkward moments that I laugh and cry at the same time, “What am I going to do with it?”

In turn, Justin laughed, “Sell it on eBay? You can still wear it, just put it on your other hand.”

“What about the dogs?” now I’m back to bawling. This is ridiculous, but the thought of not having my babies makes me sick to the stomach.

He licked his lips nervously and looked at the dogs, lying together on the couch, Brennen resting her head on Buckley’s back. “I don’t know,” he answered softly. I turned to look at him and saw a few tears falling down his face. “I mean I guess… technically Brennen’s yours right? Bailey’s mine.”

“We’re going to split them up?”

“Well what else? I’m not going to give them both up, and you’re not either. So that’s the only solution.”

“OK,” I nodded my head and called Bailey over. I knelt down with him and hugged him tightly as Justin called Brennen over. “We can like take turns or something on the weekends. They need to still see each other; it’s not fair that we’re splitting them up. They’ve been together their whole lives.”

“We’ll figure it out,” he said as he rubbed Brennen’s ears, “They can have play dates or something.”

I took a deep breath and stood up, I can’t drag this on any longer. “I don’t know how I’m going to live without you Justin.”

“Me neither, but we’re going to have to figure it out.”

I nodded my head, suddenly feeling a little better about this whole thing. I’m still heartbroken and I still feel like driving off the edge of the hills but I feel like I might be able to get through this. “Come on Bren. Just know that I’m sorry ok? I’m so sorry, and if I could go back in time…”

“I know Addison,” he broke in petting Brennen one last time, “I’m sorry too. And I do love you.”

“I love you, so much.” I said as I gave him one last hug and a quick kiss before grabbing onto Brennen’s leash. Buckley was right up there jumping around, trying to figure out why Brennen gets to go somewhere and he’s trapped inside. God, I can’t take it. This can’t be happening, please tell me this isn’t happening.

I couldn’t take it anymore so I grabbed onto the bag of Brennen’s food and toys and brought her to the car. I don’t know exactly where I’m going to go, I guess to Michelle’s. I need some serious time to think and figure out my life. Bren is going absolutely crazy without Buck already. They’ve never been apart; she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

“I know Babe, I miss him too.” I cried as I backed out of the driveway. Bren looked out the window and I saw Buckley looking out the house window. Please let me wake up from this nightmare. “We have a lot in common girl, we both need to learn how to live without our men. We’re going to get through it though. We’ve got each other.”

         I moved out to Los Angeles to make movies, not so much to be in movies, more like the behind the scenes stuff. I want to direct or do editing. I’ve always been into the artsy stuff. It’s clear that in any job you’re supposed to work your way up. I get that. I’m totally fine with starting off as an assistant and getting coffee or answering the phones. It’s what I expected.

         But I’m not even near the fucking office. I haven’t seen a movie set or a production house since I started. Instead, I’m sitting on a bench at a playground watching the little shit of a daughter of I don’t even know the guys name. I walked in, on my first day mind you, wearing my new sexy suit and fucking four-inch stilettos and the guy pushes a three year old at me like I’m in training to be a nanny. He didn’t even know me from a serial killer, and here I am being trusted with his cute little three-year-old daughter. It’s kind of sad.

         I know I said she was a little shit and then I said she’s cute. She is cute, adorable even, but she’s three and I don’t have much experience with three year olds.  I don’t have much experience with kids in general; I mean I want them… someday… I guess. And now she’s throwing sand in another kid’s eyes. Fantastic. I feel like I’m in the Nanny Diaries.

         “Hey uh,” I stood up and walked over to the slide. What the fuck is her name? “Sweetie… don’t. Stop. OK? Bad. Not good. Ok? Stop.” I don’t know how to fucking talk to a three year old. I have no idea. I’m not supposed to be working with three year olds; I’m supposed to be working with fucking adults.

         Do three year olds talk? She hasn’t talked. Do they understand? I don’t know if she even speaks English. She could speak German for all I know.  She giggled and threw more sand at the little kid.

         “Hey! No!” I repeated grabbing the sand from her hand, “Bad. You don’t do that. Not cool. Do you understand anything I’m saying?” she giggled again before reaching down to grab more sand. “OK, no. Time out, right? That’s what happens when you do bad shit, I mean stuff. I didn’t just swear in front of you. We’re going to go sit and think about what you did. You’re three, so you probably can’t even think. But try, ok. If you understand me at all?”

         This is insane. She’s not sitting very still, but at least she’s sitting. I’m about to call my mother and ask her what to do, but she didn’t want me moving out here in the first place and I’m afraid she’s going to have one of those ‘I told you so’ moments. I can’t deal with that right now.

         “OK, one more chance. No more sand. Do you get that? Sand… bad. Icky, yuck. No sand. Do you understand me?  Give me some sort of sign,” she giggled, the little shit giggled, “That’ll do. Go play. No sand.”

         She ran off right away and grabbed a handful of sand throwing it at the same little boy. I took a deep breath and walked through the sand to grab onto her. That’s not easy, the whole walking through sand in stilettos thing. Why would they fill a playground with sand anyway?  So the little shit has something to throw at the other kids, obviously.

         “You’re done. You’re bad. I said no sand, you threw sand. We’re leaving.” I picked her up and held her in my arms as I walked out of the gate. I don’t know where the fuck I’m going to go with her. There has to be like a Chuck E. Cheese around here somewhere. I don’t know if I’m going to get reimbursed for this though, and I’m not really ok with spending my own money on this kid, especially since I don’t have any, but if it’ll keep her normal and not throwing sand at kids then I’m all for it.

         There’s like a little track thing, maybe we’ll try going for a walk. “Come on, walk with me… darling,” I really need to figure out her name.  We walked for probably a total of a minute before she got that evil giggle again. I looked down to see what she was laughing about and she threw a handful of sand at me, getting right in my fucking eye. “What the fuck? You little shit!”

         “That’s nice,” I heard a male voice. I don’t know who he is, but he’s clearly offended that I talk to the little girl the way I did.

         “I know, she threw sand in my eye,” I felt the need to explain.

         “She’s leaving,” he said before calling out to her, “Hey! Come back! What’s her name?”

         “I don’t know.”

         “You don’t know her name?” he asked out of disbelief, “How do you not know her name?”

         “No, it’s a long story, I can’t see.”

         “Alright there’s uh, a bench,” he held onto my arm and led me over to it, “Sit, I’ll go get her.”

         I rubbed my eye, managing to get most of the sand out, at least so I can see. That’s Justin Timberlake going to get the kid. Justin Timberlake is jogging around the park trying to catch this little shit. He came back a minute later with a chuckle as he sat down next to me, “Are you alright?”

         I nodded my head, “Yeah. Bad. I said no sand.”

         He laughed, “You really don’t know her name?”

         “I’m supposed to be a production assistant and I was given a child. It’s my first day, so no, I don’t know her name.”

         He smiled before looking at the girl on his lap, “What’s your name sweetie?”

         The girl just looked at him like he was crazy, “She doesn’t speak English.”

         “¿Cuál es tu nombre?”

            I laughed at the fact that he tried to speak Spanish to this little girl with light blonde hair, “Or Spanish.”

            “What does she speak then?”

            “I don’t know, Swedish?”

            “Vad heter du?”

            I laughed again, “Do you know how to say what’s your name in every language?”

            “Just about,” he smiled, “That’s about as far as I go. I can ask what’s your name and I can ask where the bathroom is, but that’s it.”

            “Two very important things,” I nodded my head.

            “I think so. I’m Justin, by the way.”

            “Addison.”

            “That’s a beautiful name, but I don’t think it’s hers. Let’s see… Emily? Emma? Brittany? Elisa? Jessica?”

I laughed as he paused between names to get a reaction from the little girl who is too busy looking at the butterflies to even pay attention, “Are you just listing off all your ex-girlfriends?”

            “No,” he answered seriously before laughing, “She could be Madison, that’s kind of popular.”

            “Could be,” I agreed with a smile, “She likes you, whatever her name is.”

            “Kids like me, I have that effect on them. She doesn’t like you?” he laughed before answering his own question, “Well, she did throw sand in your eye. But you did call her a little shit, so.”

            “Shut up,” I laughed, placing my hand on his arm, “She threw sand in my eye, it caught me by surprise.”

            “Of course,” he laughed until his phone rang, “Dammit,” he pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the ignore button. “I have to go but we should… Do you want to uh, get dinner sometime? Maybe once you get rid of the nameless child.”

         “Yeah, sure.”

         “Cool, let me get your number and I’ll call you later on?” I nodded my head and gave him my number, “Alright, good luck. Find out her name, huh?”

         “I will,” I laughed, “Thanks for your help.”

         “Close your eyes, don’t peak, are you peaking?”

         “Justin, there is a blindfold over my eyes and your hands are covering the blindfold. Plus, we’re outside and it’s dark out, so no, I’m not peaking.”

         His sexy chuckle made me smile, I love that laugh. There’s definitely many things I love about him, but truth be told that laugh is what got me in the first place. “How do you know we’re outside if you can’t see?”

         I let out a fake annoyed sigh that he laughed at, “I can feel my heels sinking into the grass.”

         “Yeah, you’ve always had a problem wearing heels here.”

         “Is that a hint about our location?”

         “Maybe,” I could hear the smile on his face. “Careful,” he laughed, “You almost walked into a tree, I should have let you go.”

         “That’s nice, real nice,” I laughed as I reached back and tried to slap him but clearly I can’t see enough to actually get him, “You’re playing dirty, that’s not fair.”

         “Oh, but you like it dirty,” he nibbled on the back of my neck, “Don’t you trust me babe?”

         “Not really,” I laughed. The truth is I trust him more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in my life.

         “That hurts Ads,” I felt him move away and I suddenly got cold, “Forget it then, you’re on your own kid.”

         “Justin,” I whined, “You’re just going to leave me?”

         “It’s all about trust, if you don’t trust me then there’s nothing I can do for you.”

         “I trust you, of course I trust you,” I can’t hear him anymore; he’s not behind me, I can tell that much. I reached my arms out to hopefully touch him but I couldn’t feel him anywhere, “It was a joke.”

         I felt his breath on my ear and it gave me chills as he whispered, “It wasn’t a very funny joke. You shouldn’t joke about things like that.”

         “I’m sorry Justin,” I said truthfully, he’s so sensitive for a guy. I know he was kidding around about that, but the truth is he’s very sensitive. I kind of like that though. Except at times he’s the girl in the relationship, always telling me to talk about my feelings. “Can we take it off yet?”

         “Yeah,” I heard that chuckle, “We can take it off.” I felt his hands on the bottom of my dress as he slid it up.

         “Stop,” I laughed, “We’re outside.”

         “Yeah, and there’s fifty people watching us,” he answered sarcastically. Except, there probably are fifty people watching him because he’s Justin fucking Timberlake and everyone seems to care about every minor detail of his life.  As if he could read my mind he continued, “There’s not, we’d see the flashes.”

         “Well, I wouldn’t see anything because I’m blindfolded. But I trust that you would tell me. Ahh, see that? Trust.”

         He laughed before pressing his lips against mine, “It all comes full circle, I like that.” I felt his hands on the back of my head, finally untying the cloth covering my eyes so I could see we’re in a playground. A playground? We’re in a playground.

         “You blindfolded me and took me to a playground?”

         Justin’s mouth dropped and his hands flew into the air, “Not just any playground Addison.”

         I felt my heart get all warm, “This is THE playground?” he nodded his head, “Aww baby, I’m going to cry.”

         “No crying, why would you cry?” Why would I cry? Possibly because this is the place we met. Five years ago, I was watching the nameless girl and she threw sand in my eye and Justin jogged by, saving my life. I never could find this playground again; I’ve been asking him to take me back here for years. The truth is, I was just driving around looking for something to do with the nameless little three year old that I was forced to baby-sit on my first day of being a production assistant… or more like the assistant of the assistant of the production assistant.

         Strangely enough, Justin also happened to randomly come across this part for his late morning jog. It was fate. I never believed in it before but seriously, how could it not be?

         “I can’t believe you found it.”

         “I found it,” he got a mischievous smile on his face like a little boy, “Come on, take off your heels and come play!”

         He ran off before I could take my heels off, “Wait for me!”

         Justin took a deep breath and came back before grabbing onto my hand and talking me to the slide. He laughed like a five year old and sat down, “Come on, get on my lap.” I giggled and sat down on his lap before he slid down, very slowly, since I’m pretty sure we’re way too heavy to go on slides in general. “Shit, they got monkey bars,” he literally pushed me off his lap and ran to them.

         I watched as he ran over to the monkey bars, climbing up the three prongs of the little ladder and holding tightly to the bars as he looked at me, “These were always my favorite.” He jumped down, but since he’s way too tall and not seven anymore he just walked on the sand as he held onto the bars, “I remember them being a little higher though.”

         “You’re such a nerd,” I laughed. I love him. I really love him.

         “What was your favorite?”

         “The merry-go-round, but they don’t have one do they? OH MY GOD THEY HAVE ONE!” I screamed like I too was seven again and ran to it, “Spin me Baby, spin me.”

         “And I’m the nerd?” he asked with a chuckle as I lay down on the merry-go-round, holding on for dear life because I know damn well that when that boy does something he does it right.

         “Oh my god! Stop! That’s way too fast!”

         He laughed, “I’m jumping on, get ready!”

         “No!” I screamed but it was too late. He crawled right on top of me, “I’m going to throw up, we just ate. Don’t get too close.”

         “Just look at me, focus on me,” he grabbed onto my chin, turning me so I was looking right up at him, “Focus. Look in my eyes. Don’t look to the side baby girl, look at me.”

         It would be a lot easier to look at him if he wasn’t making goofy faces, causing me to laugh to the point of tears.  “Much better,” I said after it slowed down and he kissed me gently.

         “How about the swings?”

         “Yeah, just give me a second for the world to stop spinning.”

         Justin laughed before standing up and pulling me, lifting me in his arms. “I’ll carry you then,” he’s wobbling himself. He’s so going to fall with me in his arms and we’re going to both break bones. Luckily, he managed to make it to the swing where he sat with me on his lap, my legs around his waist.

         “I’m so glad you found this place,” I said as I hugged him tightly.

         “I’m so glad we met here in the first place. We owe a lot to that little girl.”

         “I know, she’s like eight now, I wonder if she talks yet.”

         He chuckled and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, “And you still don’t know her name.”

         “Well, what am I supposed to just ask him what his daughter’s name is after spending the whole day with her? I thought he’d say when I brought her back but he called her Lady Bug, so forget that.”

         “Her name could be Lady Bug,” he kissed my forehead, “We should name our kid Lady Bug. I don’t care if it’s a girl or a boy.”

         “Our kid?” I didn’t know I was pregnant.

         “Yeah, there will be kids, don’t you worry Addison,” he said with a crooked smile, “And you’re going to learn how to talk to them without calling them little shits.”

         “We should practice,” I kissed under his ear suddenly feeling like I need him now. I’ve never been good at waiting for those things, especially with him. It’s like as soon as I get even the slightest bit horny I need him. I think it has something to do with the fact that he works so much and when he’s with me I need to take advantage of the situation as best as I can.  “Have you ever had sex on a swing?”

         “I can’t say I have.”

         “Hmm,” I smiled before reaching down to unzip his pants.

         “I like the way you think,” he reached down to push my panties to the side, “A thong? Are you serious?”

         I giggled and nodded my head, I hate those damn thongs but he loves them and I wanted to make tonight semi special. We don’t get to go out on actual dates all that often now that we’re living together and he’s been so busy working. Don’t get me wrong, we still find time to make it work, but sometimes we’d rather just spend our nights cuddling on the couch with the dogs watching television. Honestly, it’s usually like that since it’s such a scene when we go out somewhere. Surprisingly, tonight we managed to spend the night unnoticed.

         I positioned myself over him and sat down, letting him slide inside of me. He pressed his lips against mine, kissing me passionately as I pumped my legs just like I would if I were on a swing. “Oh fuck,” he said in a low voice. I’m glad it’s working for him because it sure as hell is working for me.

         “I love you. I love you so much,” I said between soft moans.

         “I love you baby, fuck, you feel so good.”

         I attached my lips to his before pulling away before I was about to reach my point. I need to see him, he makes the sexiest face when he’s about to come. It never gets old. It’s like even if he couldn’t get me off all I have to do is look at that face he makes and I can orgasm with the best of them.

         “We need to get a swing in the yard,” he said completely seriously.

         I laughed before kissing him again, “I’m all for it.”

         “Good. Fuck, I say we get a whole playground with higher monkey bars.”

         “Get over the monkey bars Justin.”

         “No, I want monkey bars.”

         I laughed and pushed his shoulder, causing him to loose his balance so we both fell off the swing, me lying on top of him in the sand.

         “Ow! You pushed me off the swing!”

         “I did not, it was an accident,” I laughed before pressing my lips against his. I swear I would be absolutely in heaven kissing him all day every day for the rest of my life.  And we’ve been together for five years, I’d say the honeymoon stage is over; this is what it’s like.

         “An accident?” why does he always have to pretend he’s mad when we both know he’s not, “You really hurt me, there’s something sticking in my pocket, can you get it out?”

         “Yeah, which one?”

         “Left.”

         I reached in his left pocket pulling out rose petals, “Um… why do you have rose petals in your pocket?”

         “Your left, the other pocket,” he chose to ignore my question completely.

         “More rose petals. What’s going on?”

         “Nothing. You know, maybe it’s my jacket pocket.”

         “How do you not know which pocket has something sticking into you?”

         “Can you please just get it out?”

         “What’s going on? Why can’t you?”

         “My hands are busy,” he smiled before grabbing onto my ass.

         I laughed before reaching into his pocket. Obviously something is going on. When I pulled more rose petals out of his pocket and threw them at his face.  “Justin…”

         “Addison,” he responded, “There’s one more pocket baby, give it a try.”

         I reached into his last pocket and was surprised to find no more rose petals. But as I reached my hand deeper into his pocket I felt something like a ring… “Oh my god.”

         I couldn’t take it out, my hand was frozen in his pocket, “Take it out,” he whispered, or at least it sounded like a whisper.

         Slowly, I pulled the ring out of his pocket; unable to take my eyes off the pink square diamond, surrounded my white diamonds around the band, “Oh my god.”

         Justin rolled me over so he was laying on top of me, the rose petals falling over me, “Addison…I want to marry you because you’re the first person I want to see when I wake up every morning for the rest of my life. I want you to be the last person I kiss before I go to bed each night. The only person I kiss I mean, not like I’m going to be kissing other people… except our kids, and the dogs but they’re not really people so it doesn’t count.” I laughed and cried at the same time, “I’m nervous, I don’t know why. I had a whole damn speech ready. Let me try it again. Take two. I want to be the only one you think about and the shoulder for you lean against. I want to be the one that you tell everything to, I mean I kind of already am but… you know what I mean. I just want to be with you forever. From the second I saw you, even though you were swearing at a three year old, I knew you were the girl for me. And I needed to be with you.  I need to be with you, it’s not past tense; it’s present tense… and future. So, will you marry me? I can’t imagine my life without you, I mean; I don’t remember my life without you. My mom loves you and all my friends love you, and that’s important. Obviously I love you, and I wouldn’t really care if they hated you, I’d still want to marry you. God Ads, you can stop me anytime here. I’m just going to keep going until you say something.”

         I laughed, “I didn’t want to interrupt, I like your cute speech.”

         “Well give me a fucking answer, you’re killing me here.”

         “Do you really need me to say it? “

         “YES!”

         “Of course I will marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t have a cute speech like you but I can try. Um…  all of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right I'm tripping inwards you got my head spinning I don't know where to go from here cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do nothing to prove and it's you and me and all of the people and I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you.”

         Justin laughed, “Are you really quoting a Lifehouse song?”

         “Shh, I’m not done yet, let me finish. Here’s something about you now I can't quite figure out everything she… or he does is beautiful everything uh… You do is right,” I smiled and kissed him, “I am so ready to get married to you Justin, and I can’t imagine my life without you. So put that pretty little ring on my pretty little finger and make me your future wife.”

         “Little ring? Baby, there is nothing little about this ring,” he laughed as he slid it on my finger, “It cost more than…”

         “Stop Justin!” I laughed and slapped his arm. I swear you’d think this man makes twelve grand a year. He’s so cheap but it’s adorable. I love him for it, “Don’t ruin this perfect night with a price tag.”

         “I’m not ruining anything,” he kissed me gently, lifting my hands over my head and through the sand.

         I felt something really strange, “Eww, what is that?” I pushed him off me and screamed, “It’s a retainer! Oh my god! I touched a retainer!” I stood up and ran away.

         Justin laughed and chased after be, picking me up when he got close enough, “And you’re worried about me ruining it?”

         “A fucking retainer!” I laughed as he carried me to the car, “Wait! My shoes. Future hubby, Mr. Timberlake.”

         “You’re so lucky I love you,” he kissed my forehead, carrying me back to my shoes. He leaned down so I could grab them and then carried me back to the car.

         “I am lucky. The luckiest girl in the world.”

         “I’m luckier.”

         “That’s true,” I answered with a smile, “You are kind of the luckiest man in the world.”

         “Yeah, and you’re the luckiest woman in the world,” he smiled kissing my forehead, “We are perfect for each other.”

Adam *Best Friend*

The fact is: I’m an asshole. No matter how hard I try to be a good friend, I manage to do something to fuck it up. Girls just put me in this fucking state of mind that I don’t give a shit about anyone and all I think about is myself, or more specifically my dick. Not every girl, one girl in particular. Addison Lima. Fucking Addison.

         The facts are as follows. Addison is absolutely fucking gorgeous. She’s the kind of girl that you dream of, she has the body of a Victoria’s Secret model. She’s not an idiot; I can actually have conversations with her, which despite popular belief is important to me. God, she’s fucking adorable. I just want to hug up on her all night.  She’s got that natural beauty too, it’s not like she has to try. There’s no caked on makeup, it’s like the Addison you wake up with is the same Addison you go out with. Fucking gorgeous.  She’s hot even when she’s wearing sweatpants. Not even to mention that she can ride a man silly and she gives head like no other.

         The problem, of course there’s a problem, right? The problem is that she’s dating my best friend. Fuck that, they’re getting married. Not yet, he just got the ring. He’s planning on getting down on the dreaded knee within the next month or so.  I knew that he’s getting ready to propose, I fucking went with him to pick out the ring. But that didn’t stop me.  It’s like I can’t even fucking control myself. I’m a fucking cave man.

         It’s not like I’m in love with her. I mean, I had my chance years ago but I let it go. He’s in love with her. He’s a good guy, the kind of guy that actually falls in love and knows who to treat girls. I have no idea how to treat girls, or best friends for that matter.  She loves him. It’s so fucking obvious. They’re like that perfect couple that makes you believe that love actually exists. And I’m the one that can fuck it all up. 

Scene:   The Stairwell

         “I’m going to tell him.”

         I need to sit down. We’re in the stairwell of the club her fiancé is doing a show at. He’s just about to go on and she grabbed my arm, pulling me out into the stairwell. It would have been a lot fucking easier if she had told me before the five SoCo and limes I just had.

         “You can’t fucking tell him,” I ran my hands through my brown hair and looked up at her. Addison Lima, fucking Addison. She’s pacing around the small square of linoleum at the bottom of the stairs like it’s her job.

         “I need to tell him, I can’t marry him hiding this.”

         “No, you can’t tell him. You’re drunk, you’re not thinking.”

         “I’m not drunk!”

         I took a deep breath, this isn’t happening. “Stop pacing, you’re making me fucking nervous.”

         She stopped and sat down on the stairs, “You’re making yourself nervous, you’re fucking paranoid. You would want to know, wouldn’t you want to know?”

         “No.”

         Addison threw her head back, taking a deep breath. She’s ready to kill me, “How would you not want to know?”

         “He’s going to be pissed, you know that. He’s not just going to be, that sucks let’s move on. He’s going to be fucking pissed. I’m telling you Addison, FUCKING PISSED.”

         “I know!” she punched me in the arm, “Obviously I know, don’t act like you know him better than I do.”

         “No one knows him better than you do,” I answered under my breath. Because they’re fucking perfect for each other, which is why she sure as hell should not tell him.

         “Well then good, I’m telling him. He needs to know.”

         “He doesn’t need to know! He doesn’t want to know, and you know that.”

         “No, I don’t, and neither do you. He needs to fucking know and I’m driving myself crazy. Like I have issues, like I can’t stop fucking thinking about how I fucked up and he needs to know.”

         My head fell to my hands as I looked over at her. She is driving herself crazy but hell, telling Justin that we kissed a fucking year ago sure as hell won’t solve the issue. “Are you telling him for him or for you? “

“Don’t pull that psycho bullshit on me. I’m telling him because he deserves to know and I need to get it off my chest so I’m not killing myself over it.”

         Right, that’s the perfect reason to tell him, so she doesn’t kill herself over it. I don’t know why she thinks once she tells him it’s going to be all honky dory. He’s going to freak the fuck out. “Well I don’t think you should tell him, for the record.”

         “I don’t give a fuck what you think, I’m telling him.”

         I took another deep breath and stood up, leaning against the railing, “Then why the hell did you bring me out here while your fucking fiancé is about to go on stage?”

         “I don’t know, I thought you’d want to know.”

         “Yeah, so I can get a bodyguard and leave town?” he’s going to kill me, probably murder me. I don’t blame him; I’d kill me too. I’ll let him do it; I won’t even put up a fight. “Tell him it was me.”

         “What?”

         “Blame it on me. I’m telling you Addison, he’s not going to just forgive you. He loves you, you love him, but he’s not going to be able to just move on. He’s had issues with us since he found out we hooked up years before you even met him. It’s not going to work. I’ll take all the blame, you guys are perfect for each other, tell him it was all me.”

         She didn’t answer me right away. When I looked over at her she had her eyes close and I swear I saw a few tears coming from them. I can’t deal with this shit, I don’t know hot to handle tears. “I’m not going to blame you.”

         “Why not? It was me.”

         “It was both of us. It was a fucking drunk kiss, it’s not like we hooked up, and we could have. We could have done a lot worse. He’ll get over it. It’ll suck and he’ll be pissed for a while, but he’ll be able to move on. He loves me too much.”

         “He does,” I agreed. There’s no doubt in my mind that he loves her more than anything. He’d put up his life for her. But he also has trust issues. I just hope it’s true what they say and love conquers all.