I have so many emotions running through me right now; I don’t know which one to cling too.

I know I’m angry.

So angry.

Angry at him for being gone three hours and not calling me, angry at god for letting this happen to him, angry at myself for forgetting the spaghetti sauce and letting him go to the store in my place, angry at that guy that ran that red light, angry that this could be my last memory of him, angry that I only got six years being his wife, angry because he promised me forever and forever may not come.

I know I’m sad.

I’m sad I may not ever get to look into my husbands eyes again, sad that I had to be the one to call his mother and tell her that her only son may not make it through the night, sad that it took this happening to bring four people back into his life other than the occasional run in to each other, I’m sad that I may not be able to hear his beautiful voice again.

I’m so used to being in control. When there’s a problem I won’t stop until I can find a solution. But I have no solution to this. All I can do is just sit here and hold his hand, talk to him, sleep beside him like I’ve done for the past six years, tell him I love him though I’m not sure he can even hear, and just wait. Wait for whatever fate decides to deal us.

I don’t know which emotion to cling too. I’m grasping at straws here. I know he wouldn’t want me to be angry. I also know he wouldn’t want me to be sad. I don’t know how I should feel. I’m feeling them all at one time. And I feel like I could combust at any given moment.

Even when he’s fighting for life, and his face is all banged up, he still manages to look like my Justin. The man that I’ve known and been in love with all my life.

It’s been three days and there’s barely been any change. We thought we lost him three times last night. Three times I saw that line decline and heard that deafening beep and I thought that was it each time. Three times I felt his hand go limp in mine. Three times I was pushed aside and watched doctors and nurses work frantically to save my husband.

“Beth?” I hear someone call from his ICU door.

I look up from where my head was resting on his bed and saw Lynn standing outside the door.

God I feel so selfish right now. I’m keeping her away from time that is so precious with her son. He can only have one visitor at a time and I shamefully admit that I’ve hogged almost all that time these past three days.

“Hey Lynn.” I say as I wipe at the tears forming in my eyes.

“How you holding up there, honey?” She asked as she came and stood behind me gently rubbing my shoulders.

Justin used to do that.

Letting the tears fall freely now I said, “Not so good.” I looked up at her, “I’m so sorry. I have been so selfish. I haven’t even thought about other people and how they may feel. But I just can’t bring myself to leave him.” I said as I grabbed his hand again and held it in mine. Lynn sat on the arm of the chair I was sitting in wrapped her arms around me, “Don’t be sorry honey. He’s your husband. I haven’t been in here much by my own choice. It’s very hard sitting in here while I watch my son laying there helpless.” She said as her voice broke on the end.

“I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t know how to feel or that I even can. I feel so out of control.”

We were silent for a moment before Lynn spoke up, “Would you mind if I sat with him for a while?”

How could I deny her that request?

“I don’t mind at all. I could use some fresh air. Will you come get me if anything changes?”

“You’ll be the first I look for.”

“OK.” I said as I looked over at my husband. Tears again began to well in my eyes. I stood up and bent down to be closer to him. I ran my fingers through his curls that had slightly grown out, “I’ll be back soon. I-I love you. So much.” I said as the tears began to fall again. Before I could convince myself to back out of leaving him I placed a kiss on his forehead and quickly walked out of the room closing the door lightly behind me.

I leaned back against it and slowly slid down to the floor as I held my head in my hands and cried. He should be walking out of this room with me. This should be someone else in that hospital bed with someone else’s wife about to lose what little bit of sanity she has left.

Breathing air outside his room should have been refreshing but it wasn’t.

“Beth?”

I lifted my head at the sound of my name being called and was greeted by a face that I hadn’t seen in a long time, “Josh.” I said smiling through the tears that were still falling. I wiped at them and began to stand up, “It’s been a while. I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

He shook his head and pulled me into a hug, “Don’t apologize. There’s nothing to be sorry about. You look beautiful like always.”

“And you’re still a liar, like always.” I said as rested my head on his chest and squeezed him a little tighter. “How’ve you been?”

“Well, pretty good until now. How’s he holding up?” He asked as we pulled away.

“Well, um-“I choked up a little but cleared my throat and continued, “No change really. His doctor said he’s still very critical. I’m sure you heard that he crashed three times last night.”

He sighed, “Yeah, we’ve been pulling waiting room shifts. Chris was here last night when it happened. Trace hasn’t left yet. Neither have Lynn and Paul.”

I pushed my hand through my hair, “God I feel so horrible. I should…”

“Beth, stop. No apologizing. You’ve been right where you’re supposed to be. Beside your husband.” JC interjected.

“So who all’s been here?” I asked.

“Chris and I got here the night he was brought in. Joey and Lance got here yesterday. And of course you know your mom, Lynn, Paul, Trace, Randy and Lisa were all here when you arrived.”

“Looks like the gangs all here.” I said smiling faintly as slid my hands in the pocket of my hoodie.

It was times like these that I was really grateful that Justin and I made the decision to move back to Memphis two years ago. It was where both are families were, where we were the happiest, and where Justin could be Justin without a camera in his face 24/7. And when things like this happened our parents didn’t have to wait 5 hours plus to get to us from an airplane.

“So for the sake of asking a really dumb question, how are you?” He asked as he wrapped an arm around me as we began to walk toward the waiting room.

“I’m not going to lie. I’m not doing well at all, but I’m here.”

“Do you need anything?”

I groaned as the million things that needed to be dealt with rushed to the front of my brain, “God, I don’t even want to think of things that need to be done.” I said as we entered into the waiting room. Everyone’s head instantly turned our way and as if on cue they all stood up.

I smiled the best smile I could muster at the moment, “Hi.”

The first person to reach me was my momma. “Honey…” was all she could say through her own tears as she hugged me, “Do you need anything? What can I do?”

For the first time in three days tears weren’t falling. Maybe I had cried them all out.

There was one thing I knew that I needed. And that was a shower. But I wasn’t sure I could risk going back to the house. One because to me that was just too far to go right now and two I knew I would lose it.

“I could use some new clothes.” I said.

“I’m on it.” My mom said as she grabbed me into a hug and kissed my cheek. “I’ll be back in a bit. I love you.”

“I love you too momma.” I said as I slowly let go of her hand as she began to walk away.

Paul was the next person to catch my attention, “How’re they doing?”

By them I knew he meant Lynn and Justin, “No change and I think Lynn’s alright.”

He pulled me into a hug, “How’re you?”

“Do you want a beautiful lie or the ugly truth?” I asked into his chest.

“Truth.”

“Not so good.” I said as my voice began to break, “But I’m trying.”

“That’s all anyone expects, baby. You don’t have to put up a front.”

And the next 25 minutes were spent getting caught up with everyone until my stomach took control of all my senses.

Just as my stomach growled Trace walked up to me, “Are you hungry? I know that hospital food they’ve been giving you has got to be gross.”

Trace. The light in the storm. Over the many years that the three of us have known each other Trace has been the person to just have this strange calming ability.

“I could probably eat a whole horse.”

JC stood beside Trace and said, “How about we take a trip down to the cafeteria. Joe said they had a pretty good looking salad bar.”

“I could go for that.”

Trace smiled and grabbed my hand, “Then it’s my treat.”



**



We all made a date of it. The rest of the guys took our lead and we ate despite the depressing air that was hanging over us all.

Despite what the media wrote about their break up it was never as dramatic as they made it out to be. They didn’t look at Justin as the bad guy. And they didn’t blame him. How could they? He had such a surprising good reception with his solo stuff. If it were any one of them they knew that Justin would be just as happy for them as they were for him. What the media saw as drama was really just an equal sadness over what they had all known for so long was finally coming to an end. But the brotherhood would always be there, and the past three days have proved that.

Justin would be so proud to know that they were all four here. I placed my head in my hand and rested my elbow on the table as watched the guys and Trace interact with each other. Each catching up on the other’s lives. It was like they never missed a beat. Just one thing was missing…


**


“Mrs. Timberlake?” I heard a male voice call from the doorway. I recognized it as his doctor. Dr. Morgan is his name.

I don’t think we could have been any luckier to have got that man as his doctor. He was nice and understanding answered every question that I had no matter how many times I asked it a day.

I pulled my head up from my resting place on his bed, “Yes?”

“Do you mind following me to the consult room? I have some things that I need to discuss with you that the rest of your family may need to hear.”

Tears began to fight their way to the brim again. I’m going to be strong. I’ve got to have faith. He’s beaten the odds so many times. He can do it one more time. I know he can.

He didn’t have a good night last night either. He crashed twice sometime in the early morning.

Time is beginning to feel all the same to me. I haven’t slept in so long. I’m afraid the moment I let myself relax is going to be the moment my whole world is going to turn upside down.

I’m clinging to anything I can. I just can’t face the fact that the worst could happen. I refuse to accept it.

Trying to hide the tears from my voice I smiled the best smile I could and nodded my head, “Sure. Can I just have a moment?”

“Sure. I’ll have a nurse direct you to the consult room. Take all you need.” He said backed with a reassuring smile.

He backed out of the room and let the door close gently behind him.

I began to pace back and forth in front of his bed with my hands over my face.

I’m beginning to lose my grip. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to this. If this is bad news that he has to deliver, how can I let go?

I stopped at the foot of his bed and began to sob into my hands.

I’ve got to get a grip. I walked over to the sink and for the first time in three days I saw what I looked like to the outside world.

I splashed some warm water on my face, and patted it dry with a paper towel.

Taking a deep breath I walked toward the door of his room, and stepped out.

Whether or not I was ready to face this, I knew I had too. There’s just no prolonging the inevitable.



**



I stepped inside the consult room where Trace, Lynn, Paul, Lisa and Randy were waiting. I gave them the best smile I could and probably lingered a little too long in the doorway. Fighting the urge to run out of this dreary room, I stepped further into it and toward the empty seat beside Trace. As I sat down Dr. Morgan cleared his throat and placed his hands together on top of the long table we all sat around.

“Now that we’re all here, I’d like to discuss Justin’s condition.” He silenced for a moment to give everyone the opportunity to interject then continued, “To be honest his condition isn’t getting better. In fact it’s gradually getting worse. He sustained some internal injuries as well as some severe head trauma. It’s never easy to deliver news of this nature, but I think it’s best that you start to make some final arrangements.”

My breath caught in my throat, and I gripped the seat I was in. I could hear the uncontrolled sobs of Lynn, and it took all I had to control my own.

Trace pulled me close to him as he cleared his throat to find his voice, “Is there reason to believe that he could pull through this?”

“If we could keep him stable long enough to do surgery it might raise his odds. But given his current state if we operate it would just make things worse. The injury he received to the head right now is inoperable. We ran some tests and it shows there’s no brain activity, and his body is beginning to slowly shut down.”

“But he’s stable now. Can’t you operate now?” I asked with a little too much edge to my voice.

He solemnly shook his head, “His pulse rate is below the level that we need him at to operate. His body wouldn’t be able to handle it, and we could lose him before we even begin.”

I tried to hold back the tears, “Isn’t there something you could do? Please. There has to be some other way.”

He reached across the table to grab my hand comfortingly as Trace began to rub my back, “I’m sorry Mrs. Timberlake. But we’ve done all we can.”

Randy cleared his throat, “How much time do we have?”

“I can’t answer that. It could be any time now. It’s now just a wait-and-see process.” He said. He squeezed my hand in reassurance and looked directly at me, “Did you and Justin ever discuss what his wishes would be in a situation like this?”

“Um, w-we talked about it once before.” I said biting on my lip trying to keep my composure and my tears at bay.

“Do you remember what he said?”

A few tears escaped as I looked off to the other side of the room and tried to keep myself breathing. I finally turned back to him, “He said that if it came down to a machine keeping him alive that he didn’t want that.”

It was then that I saw the papers that he had sitting in front of him on the table, “I know this is hard. And I wish I could change this for you. But I’m going to need you to sign these. We want to keep in mind what he would want in this event.” He said as he let go of my hand and grabbed the papers and slid them slowly to me.

“What are those?”

I know what these are. I guess I just need conformation.

“These are papers to sign to take him off of life support. Given that you’re his spouse and he’s not able to sign these we need your signature. So we can legally carry out his wishes.”

I officially can’t breathe.

My signature?

I don’t know if I can do that.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough.

“I-I’m…” I looked over at Lynn for some sort of comfort and support. But all I saw was the pain that she was feeling. How could I do this? I looked at her with grief written all over my face as I stood up, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” I said as I walked frantically out of that room.

I was suffocating in there. I need to get out of here. I can’t stay in here.

I need to scream, I need to hit something.

Why?

Why did this have to happen to us? We have so much left to accomplish together.

I reached the elevator and pressed the down button frantically as the tears kept pouring down my face. I need a fast get away before I lose my mind in front of all these people. I dodged for the door to the staircase and began to make my decent down them.

“Beth?” I heard someone call out my name behind me. But I kept my focus on my destination.

“Beth!”

I’ve got to get out of here.

“Beth!”

But I finally gave up and stopped on the third flight of stairs and collapsed on the top stair in a ball of tears.

“Honey, oh honey.” Trace said as he grabbed me up into a hug and rocked me back and forth.

I held on to his shirt with all my might as I screamed out my tears into his chest.

“Ssh, Ssh. It’s ok. It’s going to be ok.”

“I can’t do it, Trace.” I yelled between sobs. “I can’t.”

He sat there silent listening to my cries and rubbing my back in comforting circles.

“Why? This can’t be happening. He had so much planned, left undone. Why, Trace?” I said as my sobs shook me in his arms as I clung to him harder.

“I don’t know, Beth. I don’t have that answer. But you know what he wanted. You know, I know, and everyone else knows that he wouldn’t want to be kept alive like this.”

“I can’t sign that paper, Trace.”

“Honey, you know this is what he would want.”

“How do I know that he wouldn’t pull through it? I can’t give up on him.”

“Beth, you’re not giving up on him. You would only be prolonging the inevitable. It’s better this way. As hard as it is, this is the best way. It’s going to hurt like hell, but we’ll get through it, together. You’re not in this alone.” He said as I felt tears of his own fall on my head. “Do you hear me? You’ll never be alone. We’ll do this together, ok? We’ll walk back into that room; I’ll hold your hand, whatever you need me to do.”

His hand went to my head and rubbed it as I continued to cry into his shirt.

I know he’s right.

But that’s my husband. His best friend. Lynn’s son.

And to a billion other people that I don’t know he’s the center of their attention and so much more.

After what seemed what seemed like hours of endless crying and getting myself together. I finally managed to walk back into the room and everyone was still as I left them.

“Honey, are you alright?” Lynn asked me as she stood up to grab my hands.

“No, but I know what I need to do.”

“It’s for the best. As hard and cruel as it is.”

Trace placed his hand on my back and guided me back to our seats. I sat down, and grabbed the pen, “Where do I sign?” I asked brokenly as the doctor grabbed the papers and fished through them to the page with the blank on it. “Here and…” He said as he turned to another, “…here.” Then slid them back over to me.

I took a deep breath as I looked at the page with a lot of black and white and the blank spot waiting for my signature.

How do we, no, how do I, survive a world without Justin Timberlake?

Pulling the papers closer I took another breath and pressed the pen to the paper and glided it across the paper and turned to the other and repeated the process. I let the pen drop and slid the papers back over to the doctor.

“We’ll let everyone have their moments with him. Then we’ll do what we have to and for the duration of the rest we’ll let you all in together. Until then it’s still one at a time.” He said as he stood and the rest of us followed his lead.

I reverted back to my natural state of tears and looked at him, “Thank you. Thank you for being so understanding, and for all you’ve done for Justin.”

“Yes, you’ve been so wonderful. I don’t know how we could ever repay you.” Lynn said as broken as me.

“I only wish I could have done more.” He said as he grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight once and then let it go gently. He went around and shook everyone’s hand and then made his exit.

Paul spoke up as he rubbed Lynn’s shoulders, “I’ll go and tell the boys. Beth would you like me to send in your mom?”

I shook my head as I bit my lip, “No. I’ll come out and see her in a moment.”

“Ok.” He said with a soft smile. He squeezed Lynn’s shoulders one more time before he left the room.

Lisa and Randy both made their way over to me and each gave me hugs of comfort and then left to discuss their plans for the boys.

Then Trace left to go get some air, and all left in the room were the wife and mother.

She got up from her chair to come and sit in the one beside me.

“That was so hard.” I said as the tears streamed and I began to sob again. I pulled one hand up to my forehead as I began to shake.

“Oh honey. I know. I don’t think I could have done what you just did.” She said as she pulled me as close as she could despite the arm rests that were separating us. “I brought him into this world…” her voice broke but she continued, “I just don’t think I can stand to watch him leave it. I’m not ready to give him up. But I guess God needs him more than us.”

“I’m sorry.” I said as I laid my head on her shoulder.

“Honey, don’t apologize. None of this is your fault.”

“Yes it is. I was so insistent on making him dinner that night. I had it all planned and when I was at the store earlier that day I forgot the sauce. I asked him to go get it. And…if I had just-“

“Beth, stop. None of this is your fault. You couldn’t have known.”

We sat in silence for a while longer just holding each other while the other cried. Until I finally stood up and wiped my tears off of my face, “I guess I need to get out there.” I said as I straightened my clothes. In my current state I didn’t look like the wife of a pop star.

“Yeah me too.” Lynn said as she stood beside me and pushed some hair out of face and behind my ear. She let her hand linger on my face, and she smiled down at me. “Before we go out there. I just want to say something.”

I nodded, “Ok.” I said as she let her hand fall to her side.

“I just…I just want to thank you I guess. For making him so happy. He loved you so much. He always has ever since you guys were just little kids taking baths together. I couldn’t have asked for someone better for my son than you. And in case I haven’t told you enough over the many years that I’ve known you, I love you. You’ve become so much like a daughter to me over the years and you are in the legal sense. I love you very much, and we’re going to get through this. I don’t know how, but we are. Never, ever, doubt that ok?”

I smiled through my tears and shook my head yes as she pulled me into a hug.

After a few seconds she pulled away and laced my fingers through hers, “Let’s go out there together. Because to be honest,” She said as her voice cracked and fresh tears brimmed in her eyes, “I don’t know if I’d be able to get through this without you here.”

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.” I said as I gave her hand a squeeze as she began to guide us toward the door.

I took a couple deep breaths as we neared the waiting room.

If I make through these next few hours it’ll be a miracle.

But I’m going to do it.

I’m going to reach way down deep inside myself and grab that strength that’s camping out way down at the bottom. After I use this I’m going to be running on empty. But it’s all I’ve got left.

Oh how fast your life can turn upside down.

The Beginning of the End Pt 2



Everyone decided that I should be the first to go in and say what I needed to privately to Justin.

So, here I am, at my post that I’ve been at for the past four days.

After a few seconds of sitting in the chair I decided against it. Instead I climbed up in the bed with him and hugged myself up to him.

I ran my fingers across his chest trying to memorize exactly how he felt. I brought my hand up to his face and traced my fingers across his lips. They were colder than normal, but surprisingly still as soft as they always were.

I pulled myself away from him and sat on the side of him with my right leg tucked underneath me on the bed. I had a better angle of his face this way.

Oh that beautiful face. It was the face of the man that I loved more than anything in this world.

The face that I would never get to see again.

The face that held the lips that I would never get to kiss again.

The swelling had gone down considerably in the past four days. He was still bruised and scarred up pretty bad, but he still looked incredibly beautiful to me.

I traced my fingers across his cheek bones as my tears fell on his face.

“I wish you could wake up and tell me how to do this. Because I don’t have the slightest clue. You’ve been in my life for so long. Being with you is like breathing for me. I’ve always done it and I don’t know how to make myself stop.” I said as my fingers ran through his hair.

****

“What are you doing still up?” Justin asked as he closed our front door behind him. He pulled his coat off and hung it on a hook by the door, and made his way across the darkened living room. The only light was the light of the TV but even with the faintest light I could tell that he was exhausted. He fell onto the couch beside me, and laid his head in my lap.

“You know I can’t sleep without you. Besides I was dying to know how it went in the studio.”

He chuckled and said, “The same as always. Long, productive, and time spent away from you.” He said as he grabbed my hand and placed a kiss on the back of it.

“How vague was that answer? It’s Madonna for crying out loud.”

“It was the same as working with any artist.”

I slapped his chest playfully, “You cannot sit there and tell me that the kid in you who had never met the woman before was not freaking out at least a little bit.”

“Ok, so maybe I was a little.” He said laughing, “Alright a lot. I still can’t believe she wanted to work with me and Tim. Tim yeah, but me? It was very surreal. You know they want me to induct her into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?”

I gasped, “Shut up.”

“I’m serious.”

“And what did you say?”

“I told them that I had better things to do.” He said with a hint of tired sarcasm lacing his voice, which resulted in a chest slap for him. “What do you think I said? Hell yes was the only thing that would come out of my mouth at the time.”

“That’s awesome baby.” I said as I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

“But enough about all of that. What did you do today?”

I smiled and shifted myself on the couch so my back was against the arm rest and I had either leg on the side of him and his head was lying against my stomach, “Well, I hung out with your mom most of the day. Then we met my mom for lunch at the diner. Then after that I helped Trace with some stuff with your clothing line. He left, and I got a shower, changed into my pj’s and decided to catch up on some missed TV while I waited for you to get home.”

He sighed, “A shower sounds so nice. But I’m so tired I think I’d drown under the water.” He said.

I leaned down and whispered in his ear, “I could give you a sponge bath.” I said as I placed a kiss on the sensitive spot behind his ear.

He smiled, “It’s been a while since I’ve had one of those.”

“Well I’m offering.” I said as I played with the hairs at the bottom of his neck.

“I’m perfectly content lying here with you, watching TV, or the back of my eyelids whichever comes first.”

“Do you need anything?”

He sighed and smiled up at me, “Just you, and hey? Can you do that thing that you do?”

I laughed, “I do a lot of things. Which would be referring to?”

“You know that thing you do when I lay beside you. Where you run your fingers through my hair, and you scratch my head?”

I laughed, “Sure.” I said as I began to run my fingers through his head. “I didn’t even realize I did it.”

“You do. Almost all the time. I like it. It helps me relax.”

“Well, I’m glad I can help.”

“Baby you help in more way than you know.” He said as he placed another kiss on the back of my free hand.

****

I’m going to miss that. He always loved when I’d play with his hair. And as odd as this is going to sound it was relaxing for me.

“How do I survive in a world without you? I don’t know how to tell you goodbye.” I said as my voice cracked and I began to sob. I brought my free hand up to cover my mouth. I gently let my head fell onto his chest. “There’s so much that we haven’t done, baby. We were going to start a family. Remember? After Christmas we were going to actually start planning for a baby.”


**

“Oh come on, ref! What the hell kind of call was that?” I heard Justin call from the spot he had been at since he woke up this morning. He looked up from the television and found me ogling him from the doorway. “Beth, baby? Did you see that? That was such a bogus call!”

“No I didn’t see it.” I said as I walked further into the living room and sat down beside him on the couch.

Normally I would be bitching at him about the mess he was making around himself with the empty chip bags, empty beer bottles, and empty discarded bowls of cereal. But today is different for many reasons.

For one this is the first straight few days he’s had off in a while. I know my husband is slightly ADD and he’s constantly working on something for himself or someone else. But he’s been in the studio none stop, in meetings with his record label, and making surprise appearances everywhere for the past month, and it just seems like he hasn’t had the time to breathe.

And the other is…well, I don’t know how to explain it. I know it’s something we’ve talked about before, and we both never actually reached a compromise about it.

I guess I’ve just gone and confused you more, huh?

The only way to explain it is to just come right out with it.

I want to have a baby.

So bad I can actually feel my body craving it.

Sure it’s a subject that we’ve talked about numerous times, but we both were never ready for the commitment of having a baby. We always chalked it off to when we were ready we’d jump on it.

Pun intended.

Well, now I’m ready.

I always wondered when I’d know I was ready, and I honestly don’t know how it happened. But it did.

Maybe it’s because all my friends have at least two children by now. And my cousin just brought her newest by to see me the other day while he was in the studio.

I could feel my uterus throb as I held the baby.

Justin’s voice pulled me away from my thoughts, “What?”

“What do you mean what?” I asked.

“You’re looking at me all weird. What’s up?”

“No I’m not.” I said as I shifted my gaze elsewhere.

“Yes you are. In fact it’s been a little weird between us since I’ve gotten back. You’ve been extra…clingy this time; I guess is the way to put it. Not that I don’t like it! It’s just not like you. What’s going on baby?”

“Nothing.”

“Beth, I know you better than that. Something’s been on your mind tell me what it is.”

“I don’t know how to say it.”

“Just say it.”

“I don’t know how you’ll react.”

“I don’t like where this is headed.”

“No! No! It’s nothing life changing, well yeah maybe it is. But it’s not anything bad. I promise!” I said nervously.

“Baby, just say it.”

I saw him take a drink of his soda and I closed my eyes tightly and began to fidget with the hem of shirt and blurted it out, “I wanna have a baby.”

Silence.

My face relaxed, and I slowly opened one eye and saw Justin staring straight ahead at the TV then turn to me.

“Did you…did you just…you want to have a baby?”

“Yeah. I do, I really do.”

“Really?” he asked a little shocked.

“Yeah. I really do.” He was still silent for a while, and not really liking his reaction I retracted my statement, “But if you don’t then that’s ok. I mean I only want this if you want it too…”

“No, no, don’t think that. I’m just a little shocked that’s all.” He said smiling as he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him, “You want to have a baby?”

“Yeah, for the third time. I do.” I said smiling.

“My baby?”

“No, Trace’s. Yes, yours dummy.” He was smiling, but I still wasn’t sure that this was something he wanted. “Baby, if you don’t want this just tell me.”

“I do. I do want to have a baby.”

“Really? Oh, Justin! I was so scared you were going to tell you weren’t ready.”

He smiled, and pulled me closer, “I am ready. I’ve been ready for a while. But before you get to excited we can’t start right now. My schedule is about to get even more hectic, and I’ve already got a lot of things slated throughout the year.”

I groaned, “Justin, you can’t be serious.”

“Baby, I can’t do anything about it. It’s already been planned. Look, I’m not saying we can’t have a baby. I’m just saying not right now. How about we hold off actually planning until the end of the year? After Christmas we can lock ourselves up in this house, in our bedroom no less, for a whole month until I get you pregnant. No interruptions, no phones.”

Well it could be worse. But I’m so impatient! He doesn’t know how bad my uterus, how bad I want this. But I can’t blame him for wanting to hold off until the end of the year. My damn uterus had to pick now, of all the busiest times for my prospective baby daddy, to get all baby wanting on me.

“I guess I can live with that.” I said as I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest.

He whispered into my ear, “But if you want to try between now and then, I won’t complain.”

“What are you saying?” I asked as I pulled my head up off his chest to look at his face.

“I’m saying logically we shouldn’t start planning for a baby until my schedule slows down, but if you were to wind up pregnant between now and then I wouldn’t object.” He said smiling at me.

“Why Mr. Timberlake are you suggesting we have unprotected sex?” I asked playfully.

He smirked and flipped me over on the couch so I was under him, “Yes I am. Starting now.” He said as he covered my mouth with his.

**

After a few more minutes of lying on his chest crying I pulled myself up and wiped away some tears, “You’ve made me so happy. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. My love for you goes deeper than my heart, it goes to my soul.” I said as I leaned down and placed a kiss on each of his closed eyes. I gently ran my hand down his face, “But I don’t want you to be afraid for me. I’ll be just fine. I don’t know how, but I’ll get through this. As much as I love you I can let you go if it means you’ll be better. Just save me a spot, ok?”

I ran my fingers through his hair again, “God I feel like there so much more that I need to say, but I don’t know what it is. The only thing I know to say is I love you. I love you so much.”

Knowing that I had a whole waiting room full of people waiting for their turn I leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. I began to sob, and I lingered for a little longer than I should have. “I’ll be back, baby.” I pulled myself up and grabbed onto his hand and placed a kiss on it. I placed it back down gently at his side, and walked toward the door.

I was still crying and trying to catch my breath as I walked into the waiting room. My mom was instantly at my side as she grabbed me into a hug. And for the first time I didn’t care that everyone was watching me, I just completely and totally broke down in my mother’s arms.

“Oh, baby.” She said as she placed a kiss on the side of my head as she rocked me back and forth. “It’s ok.” She said as she began to rub circles on my back.

And that’s how I stayed during everyone’s visits. I didn’t even notice anyone leave in the middle of my breakdown. I just cried, and cried, and cried in my mom’s arms.

“Alright baby, its time. Are you ready?” she asked as she pulled me away.

I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to control myself, “Yeah.”

“Do you want me to come in there with you?” She asked.

“Please?”

“Alright. Let’s go.” She said as she stood up and held her hand out to me.

I looked around the room and found Lynn standing off in a corner in the same state that I was just in and I remember the words that she said to me in the consult room. “Can you just wait right here for me? We can go with Lynn.” I said as I stood to my feet and began to walk toward her.

I looked to Paul to see if it was ok to come over and he gave me the look of approval and I slowly approached her, “Lynn?” I called out as I placed a soft hand on her back.

She turned around and smiled through the many tears that were streaming down her face, “Yes sweetie?”

“I think it’s time for us to go in there. Will you walk with me and my mom?” I asked fighting down the tears that were fighting to come out.

She bit her lip and looked to Paul, “We’ll be right beside you.” She said as she and Paul walked with me over to where I left my mom standing.

I always thought that the longest walk of my life was the one that I made walking down the isle to him. I was so anxious to get to him and become his wife for the rest of my life.

But I never knew that I would have to make this one. The closer we got to his room the longer it seemed to take.

Walking in I looked at him and for the first time he didn’t have any tubes coming out of him. He only had his IV hooked into his arm and that was it. He looked so peaceful. Like any moment he would wake up and it would all be a stupid cruel joke that he was playing on us.

The scars and bruises were still there to pull us right back into the harsh reality that unless there was a miracle this would be the end.




At six o’clock he was unhooked from all the machines. The only one he was left hooked to was the heart monitor and an oxygen machine to keep him comfortable.

Lynn and I were on either side of him holding his hand. I made myself paranoid looking at the monitor periodically wondering if the was this was going to be the last moment.

At seven o’clock nothing had happened yet. I built up so much hope that maybe he would prove everyone wrong and open those beautiful eyes. Of course I took this concern to Dr. Morgan and immediately began to question the decision I made to take him off the machines.

He of course told me this was just normal. That there was no time limit to when he would go. I countered that and wanted proof that he wasn’t making progress. He obliged and ran some tests from blood work that he had a nurse draw. And once again I was faced with the ugly truth when they came back. Everything was slowly shutting down.

With my heart shattered into a million pieces I went back to my stance beside his bed, this time with the heart monitor to my back and waited.

To make us all more comfortable they brought in more chairs for everyone to sit in.

When eleven o’clock rolled around they even brought in blankets and pillows for everyone to possibly get some sleep. One by one they all went down for the count, but I knew that if I even tried I would be unsuccessful. So I sat fully awake holding his hand. I talked to him, recounted memories that and even laughed at a few, and even sang to him. I didn’t think that I could sing very well, but Justin said I could. He was the only person that knew that I liked to sing or that I even could, and he was the only person that I would sing for.

One o’clock came everyone was still asleep. By this time I was completely numb and holding on to every piece of sanity that I had left. I crawled up into his bed and just held him and ran my fingers softly through his hair. I sang softly to him in his ear some of his favorite songs. And whispered how much I loved him and how I always would.

At two o’clock I was almost asleep when I heard him gasp. I immediately popped my head up from its place on his chest and looked for any sign that he was awake, and bit my lip to fight back the tears that were coming when I saw that his eyes weren’t open at all. I looked over at the heart monitor and saw how low the line was and saw that his pulse rate was very low.

I heard him gasp again.

And that’s when I knew.

I got up calmly from the bed and gently shook Lynn awake, “Lynn?” I spoke softly.

When she didn’t respond I shook her a little harder and said her name a little louder and she responded this time, “Beth? What is it?” she said as she slowly came out of her sleep.

“I think this is it.” I said brokenly and he gasped again. She did the same as I did when she heard it and looked at him then at the heart monitor. She got up and went to him with tears in her eyes, “Oh baby.” She said as she rubbed his hair softly.

By this time everyone woke up from the commotion and knew that this was it.

I sat on the unoccupied side of his bed and closed my eyes.

I heard him gasp again rapidly.

Tears flowed freely and I just silently began to pray to myself. It was the only thing that I had left. The only thing left that I knew to do.

I drew from that strength and pulled the oxygen mask of his face. I bent down and placed one last kiss on his lips. I probably lingered a little more than I should have, but it was the last time that I’d ever kiss him again. I pulled away and gave him three short little pecks on the lips and placed the mask back on his face. I leaned further and whispered into his ear, “Baby, if you can hear me. It’s ok. We’ll all be fine. I love you more than anything I’ve ever loved in my life, and I always will. Always and forever, baby.” Then I whispered the three hardest words that I thought I’d never whisper, “Just let go.” I placed a kiss on his temple and pulled back to look at him.

Then we all heard the sound that we had been dreading all night long.

On February 27, 2008 at 2:20 am I lost the only man that I would ever love.

On February 27, 2008 at 2:20 am at 25 years old I was made a widow.

On February 27, 2008 at 2:20 am the world lost one of its most beloved musicians.

Chapter Two
Unbearable



For lack of a better word to describe how I’ve felt for the past month, HELL is just going to have to do.

While we had all the friends and family here to keep my mind somewhat occupied for a couple weeks I was doing as good as could be expected by myself.

But now that it’s just me surrounded by what’s left of Justin I can feel myself slowly going, insane, I guess is the best way to describe it.

Everyday around 6 I still find myself half expecting him to walk through the door just like he always did. But it never happens, and no one can ever know how much that hurts.

Everyday around 6 I get an instant replay of the past month in my head and it’s like I go through it all once again.

My phone rings constantly throughout the day and numerous times I have fought off the urge to just rip the cord out of the wall.

I don’t want to talk about how I’m feeling.

I don’t want to talk about how things will eventually get better.

The only way they will get better is if they somehow bring my husband back to me, and if they can’t do that I don’t want to hear it.

I don’t want to hear about how once you pass the first month things will seem so much easier. My husband isn’t going to be with me for the rest of my life. He wasn’t just my husband he was my best friend. How in the hell can that pain get any easier? How in the hell can that pain let up even just the slightest little bit?

So here I lay in our bed with the darkest blankets that I could find thrown over the windows. His pillow is beginning to lose his smell. I pull the pillow closer to my face and breathe in as deeply as I can and the familiar scent of his shampoo and cologne fill my nose. The lump in my throat grows bigger as tears begin to cascade down my face.

This happens at least 20 times a day as well. I’ll see something, hear something, or smell something that reminds me of him and tears find their way down my face.

Every memory of Justin begins to play through my head and I begin to cry harder into the pillow.

The phone begins to ring and I continue to cry into his pillow.

I probably have people convinced that I’m dead holed up in this house. I haven’t left for nothing and rarely do I answer the phone.

Finally the answering machine kicks on and I hear our voices:

“Hey we’re not here. Leave us a message!”

“Beth? Are you there?” I hear Trace’s voice come over the machine, “Please pick up. I’m really worried about you. I haven’t heard from you since I got back from New York.”

I sighed and wiped some tears off my face as I let the pillow fall back in its place on the bed.

“I can’t stand the thought of you going through this alone. Please talk to me. I miss you, and I could,” he sighed, “I could really use someone to talk too as well.”

I set up a little in the bed, and wiped more tears off my face and breathed in a deep breath.

“But if this is the only way I’m going to be able to talk to you then this will do. I’m finishing up some of the paperwork that Lynn was handling about Justin’s assets and where they’ll go.”

I grabbed the pillow again and hugged it to my chest, and I heard Trace’s voice break, “And this is so much harder than I thought it would be. I’m trying to do what I think Justin would want. I’d really like it if you’d give me some input on this. The majority of everything he owned is going to you; I know that’s what he would have wanted. It’s just I really need someone to talk to before I go crazy, Beth. I don’t want to be working out the assets of my dead best friend. I want him back. I want him here with you. I want things the way they used to be.” I heard him sniffle, and I began to reach out for the phone.

“You’re all I have Beth. And I feel like I’ve lost you too.”

“Hey.” I said into the phone as I cradled it between my neck and shoulder.

I heard him breathe in deeply and sigh, and I could almost hear his smile over the phone, “Hey. How much of that did you hear?”

“All of it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I should be the one apologizing. I’m sorry I worried you.”

“It’s my job. I just don’t want you going through this alone. You know you’re not alone right? I’m here. If you need me all you have to do is call.”

“I know, Trace. I just, I don’t want to see anyone right now.”

“Not even me? Look I know you lost your husband, but we both lost our best friend. I do not want to talk to you or see you because I think you need it. I’m doing it for me because I need it.”

Ok, so he had a point.

I’ve built my whole life around the fact that I always considered myself to be the most selfless person.

I’d give someone the shirt off my back if I knew they honestly needed it. I put other people’s needs above mine.

But these past few months I’ve lost sight of that person.

Trace lost his best friend. Well, I lost my husband.

Lynn and Paul and Randy and Lisa lost their son. I lost my husband.

His grandparents lost their grandson. I lost my husband.

Jive lost their meal ticket. I lost my husband.

Johnny lost his most prized, talented, musician. I lost my husband.

The world lost their precious idol. He was the man with the endless bag of tricks and talents who could light up the whole room with his smile, and ease the tensest situations with one stupid corny joke. Well, damn it, I lost my husband.

The only man in this world who could ever make me feel like the most important person in the room with one look or touch.

I’m sorry but I think I deserve the right to feel a little selfish in this situation.

“Please Beth? Let me bring you dinner. Have you eaten anything today?” He asked.

I’ve tried eating. All I do is throw everything back up. My diet has mostly consisted of crackers and soup. Though as the day progresses I can usually eat something a little heavier, but come daybreak it never fails I am hovering over my toilet throwing everything I ate the day before right back up.

My stomach made a leap and growled loudly at the thought and mention of food. For the first time in a while I am genuinely hungry.

I sighed and pulled myself further up in the bed, “I tried this morning but an hour later it decided to make its home somewhere outside my stomach.”

“Are you sick?”

“Honestly I don’t know what it is. I’m not nauseous all the time, and my stomach doesn’t hurt. I get queasy sometimes. It generally happens during the early hours and as the day progresses my stomach can finally handle something other than crackers and soup.”

“Have you talked to your mom about it?”

“She told me to just take it easy on myself and my stomach and if my vomiting doesn’t stop in a few days to come by the clinic.”

“How long ago was this?”

I rolled my eyes and hesitated in giving him my answer, “Last week. Look I’m fine alright? It’s just a bug.”

“What if it’s something else? Look, I’m coming over alright? I’m taking you to the clinic.”

“Trace I’m fine.”

“Beth, no you’re not. You don’t throw up everyday for a week and still be fine. I’m sure it’s just stress, and it’s completely understandable ok? But you can’t just go through this alone, ok? Let us help…”

And from that point on I didn’t hear anything else he said.

Everyone always said the same thing.

You’re going to get thru this.

Everything isn’t as bad as it seems.

And the worst…

I know how you feel.

No the fuck you DON’T know how I feel.

Did you lose your husband?

No you didn’t.

So don’t tell me how to fucking feel!

I know Trace means well. None of this is directed at him. He’s been amazing. He lets me feel everything in the moment no matter if it ends up in me crying on the phone for minutes on end or us laughing about memories of Justin.

Everyone else…well…it feels like they’re walking on eggshells around me.

Kind of like they expect me to just break down at any given moment, and then they apologize when they even utter Justin’s name in a conversation.

I need him right now, and I know he needs me. But right now I can’t even help myself how the hell am I going to help someone else?

I am being selfish aren’t I?

I’ve heard it said that when you’re grieving you don’t see anyone else’s pain but your own.

I guess that’s true.

“Please let me take you to the clinic, Beth. It will make me feel better.”

“How about we compromise? You bring me food and I’ll think about it.”

I heard him sigh. I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, “Fine, but I’m not leaving it alone. We’ll talk more when I get there.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything else.”

“I love you Beth. I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

“I love you too Trace. But you can’t control that. So quit worrying about me and go get us some food, alright? I’m starved.”

“Alright, I’ll see you in a few.”

As soon as I heard the click my smile faded.

Was I happy there for a minute?

How can I even think of being happy again when everything I ever wanted isn’t here anymore?


~*~


“You know the guys have been calling and asking about you. They say they call but you never pick up.” Trace said as he shoveled noodles into his mouth with his chopsticks.

I’ve never seen anyone more attractive than him when he eats with chopsticks.

That was sarcasm by the way.

The man can’t even eat right with a regular fork and spoon.

“Yeah I heard their messages.”

“They’re worried about you Beth.”

“Can we make it through one dinner without talking about anything pertaining to the past month? I don’t want to talk about me throwing up, I don’t want to talk about how I feel, I don’t want to talk about what I’m going to do, and I don’t…I don’t want to talk about Justin or the guys or me not answering anyone’s calls, ok? Just for tonight.”

He swallowed and said, “Ok. What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know. Just anything but current events, ok?”

“Your birthday is coming up, right?” Trace asked as he pushed some noodles around on his plate with the chopsticks.

Damn, I had almost forgotten about it.

It’s just going to be another day for me anyway. I just happen to get older on that certain date.

“I haven’t really thought of it actually.”

“How could you not? Is there anything you want to do?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Right, nothing. I have no desire to do anything, Trace. Honestly, does every thing we talk about have to lead right back up to this?”

He sat his plate down, “We can’t ignore it, Beth. It’s happening to us and we have to face it. It’s consuming both of our lives right now, what else is there to talk about?”

“How about the weather, how horrible the Lakers are doing this season, or what’s new on TV? Anything, but the pain we’re both feeling because the most important person in our lives isn’t there anymore.”

“We can’t avoid it, Beth.” He said calmly.


“I’m not avoiding it, damn it! I wake up to the constant reminder everyday! I wake up and for about 10 seconds I forget that everything happened, like it was a bad dream or something. I roll over and he’s not there, and it’s like a big huge slap in the face. And everything comes rushing back and I know it’s not a dream. That it’s the harsh fucking reality that I’ve been dealt. I deal with it every day. Every single second of every freaking day for the past month.” I say harshly with tears streaming down my face.

“This isn’t healthy, Beth. You’re shutting people out; you’re obviously not taking care of yourself. This isn’t you.”

I sighed and continued to cry. I leaned my head back against the couch.

I didn’t know what to say. There was no way I could make him or anyone understand the way I'm feeling.

I don’t even know how I’m feeling.

But I’m trying. I know I’m becoming self destructive. It’s just easier this way. I don’t have to feel all the sympathetic looks that people give. I don’t have to listen to all the condolences they have or how they think that they understand how I feel.

“I’m trying Trace. I honestly am. Just give me time.”

“Can you try harder?”

I sighed. He’s such the persistent little bastard.

“Yes.”

“So tomorrow you’ll get up at a decent hour, shower, and dress, make phone calls and let people know you’re alive, AND you’ll go to the clinic and get this sickness or whatever checked out by your mom?”

I know my eyes bugged open at the mention of all he wanted me to do.

“Are you slipping back into PA mode there Ayala?”

He smiled, “Just agree to it.”

“I can’t promise anything.”

“At least attempt it. That’s all I want. Just give me one, maybe even two.”

“Alright.”

And from that moment on all talk of my current depression ceased, and we didn’t talk about the obvious pain that had been subject of our previous disagreement.

Instead it was a night of catching up with each other, and on forgotten TV episodes. Thank god for DVR.


~*~


“Goooooddd Morning Memphis! It’s time to wake up and start your day off right with Mel and Sam in the morning right here on WKLZ 107.4. We’re kicking it off with one of our own. He’s quite loved around here, well known, and missed. So keep it locked right here for a 25 minute stretch of music this morning, and our American Idol concert give away!”

Ugh, I hate mornings.

I yawned and for once that nagging since to cry didn’t follow once I opened my eyes and didn’t feel him next to me.

Of course once I thought about it pushed the thought to the forefront, but I chose not dwell on it. Today was going to be a good day.

At least that’s what I was telling myself.

But I just needed a sign. Something to tell me that I was doing the right thing.


Well I knew sitting alone in this house wasn’t the right thing, but I didn’t think getting back out in the swing of things was the right thing either. No matter how much I wanted to crawl over to the corner and curl into the fetal position and cry my life away.

And then I heard the familiar beat. My favorite song he ever recorded and one that he deemed ‘our song’ of the ones that he recorded…

“Ain’t another woman that can take your spot my…”

And the smile immediately made its way to my face.

A smile that only he knew how to put on my face and one that hadn’t been there in a month.

“If I wrote you a symphony just to say how much you mean to me…if I told you were beautiful would you date me on the regular…?”

For once hearing his voice didn’t bring tears to my eyes. I knew it was my sign. That everything was going to be ok, and no matter what I chose to believe he was still there with me. And always would be.

I threw my covers off me and swung my legs over the side of my bed, and for once I felt I actually had a purpose for being out of my bed. I turned the volume of my alarm clock up as loud it would go, and made my way into my bathroom. No matter the looks, the stories, and how bad I wanted to run in the other direction, today was going to be a good day.


~*~


“Lizzie? Baby, what are you doing here?”

I smiled at my mom’s surprise to see me standing in her work place.

Wake up at a decent hour…check.

Shower…check.

Dress…check.

Go to the clinic and have my mom check me out…check.

So far that’s four things marked off my list.

Elizabeth Ann Timberlake was slowly coming back out among the living.

She came around the desk and wrapped me in a huge hug. The instant I felt the warmth and calm that only my mother could give, I felt ashamed for shutting her out when I needed her most.

“Are you ok?” she asked stepping back to look at me and she pushed some stray hair out my face.

“That’s actually why I’m here. I’m still not over whatever it is that's been going around.”

“Baby I told you to come in days ago. Why haven’t you been in sooner?”

“I just thought it was a thing that would go away.” I said.

“Well come on and I’ll have Doc look at you. How are you today?”

“Surprisingly I feel better than I have in a while. Today has just been a good day all around.”

She smiled at me and pulled me closer to her side as we walked down the long corridor to one of the empty exam rooms, “I’m glad Baby. So glad. I’ve been so worried about you. Everyone has.”

“I know, mom. I’m sorry that I’ve been shutting everyone out. I just needed this time to myself, I guess, to process everything without being under a microscope.”

“I understand, honey. It’s a pretty big adjustment you have to go through, but you don’t have to go through it alone. You’ve got so many people in your corner.”

“I know. I promise to not shut you guys out anymore.”

“I’m glad.” She said as she kissed my cheek as Doctor Malone walked in.

“Well isn’t this a pleasant surprise. Elizabeth, how’ve you been?”

He’s the only person in this town to call me by real name, and also the sweetest man I’ve ever known. He’s been my Doctor since I was born, and I just can’t seem to find anyone else that’s as good as he is in my eyes. He still gives me a sucker when I leave. Maybe that’s it.

“Hey Doc. I’ve been better I guess. But today is a good day.”

He smiled at me, “That’s good to hear, sweetie. So what seems to be the problem?”

“I’ve been throwing up a lot here lately, and having dizzy spells.” I said as he started with his routine examination of listening to my heart, looking at the back of my throat, looking in my ears, and asking me even more questions.

“Well it sounds to me like you’ve got a minor case of the stomach flu. You just need to continue with a liquid diet, try not to over do it on solid foods, and I’m going to prescribe you some anti nausea medicine that should kick what’s left of it in your system out. I want you to get this filled today. If the nausea hasn’t stopped in two days, I want you to come back and see me, ok? And we’ll go from there.” He said as he began to write something on his prescription pad and then peeled the piece off and handed it to me.

“Yes sir.” I said with a smile as I got up and he pulled me into a hug.

“It’s good to see you, Elizabeth. You take care of yourself alright? I don’t want to see you back.”

“I will, Doc.”

He squeezed me one last time before he let me go, and he grabbed my folder then walked out of the room leaving me and my mom alone.

“See? I told you, you should have come in when I told you.”

I rolled my eyes, “It wasn’t anything completely unbearable. I’ve grown quite accustomed to it actually.”

“Regardless, you would already have this thing beat by now if you’d just listen to me.”

“And I’m going to take that as my cue to go.” I said smiling at her sarcastically as I pulled myself down off the exam table.

“What are going to do when you leave here?”

“Well I’m going to go get my prescription filled, and probably find something to eat and head back home. I’ve got a lot of things to tend to that have been neglected a bit too long.”

“Do you think you have time for dinner with your mom tonight?”

I looked at my mom and smiled up at her. It was then that I realized just how much I really missed her. “Of course. What time?”

“How about 5:30? I get off at 4:00 that’ll give me time to get home and change.”

“That sounds great. I’ve missed you mom.” I said as she swung our hands as we walked back to the front of the office.

“I’ve missed you to baby.” She said as she brought my hand up to her mouth and kissed it and let if fall back to our sides.

“I’m sorry about everything.”


She stopped us just as we reached the door that would lead us back into the waiting room, “Beth you have nothing to be sorry for. You needed this time to grieve and to accept things for the way they are now. As much as I wanted to be there with you while you cried and curl up in bed beside you all those days, I knew I couldn’t and I knew that you weren’t shutting me out on purpose. Honey, you’ve done just fine. And you’re still doing just fine.”

“Thanks mom.”

“That’s what I’m here for baby.”


~*~


After I got some food in my system and got my prescription filled I was headed back toward my house and decided to call Trace to pass the time till I got back to my house.

“Hello?”

“You’ll be glad to know that I’ve completed four of the tasks you left for me last night.”

I heard his laugh, and I smiled, “I’m impressed. I didn’t think you’d actually go through with it.”

“Oh ye of little faith.” I said as I took a drink of my Coke from Burger King. Being holed up in my house for a month made me love the scenery before me as I drove by even more. It was almost like I was seeing everything again for the first time.

This place that I grew up. Was it always this beautiful in March?

Surely, I would have noticed.

Regardless, today was just…amazing.

For the first time in a month it was bearable. Like he was right there with me for every stop today. And that made me smile.

“So what four did you accomplish?”

“Getting up at a decent hour, which happened to be six this morning thank you very much, showering, dressing, and going to the doctors.”

“I would have thought that would be the one you’d put off.”

“Well, you thought wrong, Tracey.”

“Gah, I hate it when you call me that.”

“All the more reason for me to do it.”

He laughed, “I missed you Lizbo. You know that?”

I rolled my eyes and it his grotesque nickname for me, “I hate when you call me that.”

“All the more reason for me to do it.” He mocked.

“You’re funny Ayala.”

“Well it’s only one o’clock in the afternoon. Whatever are you going to do with yourself for the rest of day?” He asked.

“Mom and I planned to have dinner tonight after she gets off work. She’s picking me up at 5:30. And until then I planned to mark the other things off my list you left me, and pick up a few things that have been neglected around the house.”

“Sounds like a plan. It’s good to have you back, Timbs.”

I felt my eyes get misty, and my heart skip a beat at the mention of the shortened name we used for Justin. But regardless I smiled. “It’s good to be back.” I said quietly as I choked back the tears fighting their way out.

“One day at a time, ok? That’s all we can do. We’ll do it together, ok? You’ve always got me. We’re all each other have got now, babe. So face it you’re stuck with me.”

I smiled. I know he sensed the tears in my voice, and it was reassuring to know that I had at least ONE person left that knew me inside and out. “I think that’s a fate worse than death, Tracey Poo.”

I could hear him rolling his eyes at my snide remark and use of his dreaded nickname, “Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you.”

“Because I’m the only person that’ll put up with your shit and love you regardless.”

“That sounds about right. Well listen as much as I’ve enjoyed talking to you and would like to continue this I need to go. You caught me as I was going into a meeting.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. This was more important. I’m glad you’re taking my advice, Beth. Just hang in there ok?”

“I’m hanging. And thank you Trace.”

“I’m just doing my job. I always promised I’d look after you, and that’s what I’m going to do. Because contrary to what you may believe, I do love you Lizbo. I don’t know why, but I do.”

“I’m glad because I love you too Trace. Even when you get all sentimental and girly on me.”

“You really know how to ruin a moment, Beth.” He said as he laughed.

“So I’ve been told. But I won’t keep you from your meeting any longer. Just call me later alright?”

“Promise.”

“Alright, wow them with what intelligence you have Ayala.”

“I’m going to assume that was your twisted way of complementing me. Wish me luck.”

“Luck.”

“Bye, Liz.” He said as I heard his end of the line go dead.

Yep, things are beginning to slowly get back to what normalcy we have left.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen my house this clean.

Scratch that, I don’t think I have ever CLEANED my house to where it looks this clean.

Is that bad?

Regardless, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that much dust in my life! Once I started I realized why it never got done in the first place.

Plopping down on the couch I breathed a sigh of relief and looked around at all I had accomplished. But I also saw what I couldn’t bring myself to do as well.

For example, there is still a pair of Justin’s dirty socks in the spot where he dropped them in front of the couch. It was a habit of his that I hated so much, but now I can’t bring myself to fix it.

~*~

“Is it so hard for you pick up your socks when you leave the room?” Beth asked as she bent over and grabbed the pair of socks that Justin had deposited on the floor in front of the couch.

“No.” Justin said as he took a drink of his water and continued watching television.

Beth rolled her eyes and looked up from the clutter she was shifting through on their coffee table to look at him, “Then why don’t you do it?”

He shrugged, “I just don’t.”

“You’re a real pain in my ass you know that?”

“But you love me.” He said as he smiled sarcastically at her, “But right now you’re a pain in mine. Can you move so I can watch the game?”

Beth breathed in deep, “Can you not see that I’m trying to clean here?”

“Babe, it’s a lost cause right now. Everything that you’re cleaning up I’m just going to go back behind you and mess up because I have no plans of leaving this couch for the rest of the day. This room is my domain for the day.”

“What if I wanted to watch TV?”

“Then you could either join me which happens to be my personal preference, or watch television in our room.”

“The house isn’t going to clean itself Timberlake.”

“Suit yourself, TIMBERLAKE.” He said sarcastically as he grabbed his socks out of my hand and took them into the laundry room.

~*~

Everything that he touched is exactly like he left it. And for now that’s exactly how it’s going to be. Even though I know it’s not true, but it kind of makes it easier to except. I see all his stuff still lying around and I think that he’s still here, in the flesh. I don’t know maybe it’s not healthy, but I can’t imagine coming down here and not seeing his dirty socks beside the couch. Or an empty chip bag with its contents scattered on the couch. But most of all I can’t imagine walking into my closet and not seeing his clothes hanging beside mine. That’s just…not now anyway. Maybe in due time.

Today was the first day in a while that I felt physically able to clean my house. Probably still not as clean as I’d like it to be, but it’s a lot, A LOT, better than what it was. My stomach flu has seemed to make itself scarce. I haven’t felt nauseated in a good two weeks which is great. Mom and Trace were still after me to go back to the Doc when a week had passed and I was still puking my guts up but of course I would hear nothing of it.


There is one good thing that I’ve gotten out of this cleaning spree today. And that was that I finally realized exactly how low I was on everything. During the week of the funeral everyone brought over so much paper towel and toilet paper and all that great stuff that I didn’t have to think about being out of it for the past…wow has it been three months already? Is it really May? Has it really been three months since I last saw my husband alive?

Stop, Beth. We’re not going to go there again.

My whole point is that I’m down to my second roll of toilet paper. I have NO paper towels. My fridge and pantry are embarrassingly low as well. I grabbed a notebook and pen and began to make my shopping list.

Shampoo
Conditioner
Body Wash
Makeup Remover
Tampons

Tampons?

That’s something that I haven’t seen…in a while.

Holy shit.

I haven’t had a period since…oh my god!

How did I not realize this?

I immediately get up, grab my planner out of my purse and flip back in the calendar to when I last wrote when I started.

Thumbing through the pages I finally landed on January 17 was when my last period ended.

And the last time we…his birthday.

We went away for the week for his birthday. Some completely boring place in the middle of nowhere. I think that was the whole essence of the trip because we didn’t leave that cabin once while we were there, and well, I don’t need to tell you the rest.

And I stopped using birth control two months prior to that. We were going to start trying for a baby after he got off the road. My doctor told me that when you stop you have to give your body time to adjust to being off the pill again. She said to at least give it two months. So we decided it would just be best if we gave my body the time while he was still away.

He was so anxious for a baby. We would stay up nights on end talking about it and he told every time it was brought up that he wanted to get right to work. As soon as his bags hit the floor.


My stomach immediately was immediately turning into knots.

What the hell does this mean?

Well I know what it means obviously. But I mean there are a number of reasons, well actually not that many, why I haven’t had a period.

I’ve heard when you’re under lots of stress it really messes with your cycle. Maybe that’s what this is.

Oh god.

I swallow and take a deep breath.

What if it’s the other reason why I haven’t had a period? I mean I haven’t had one in three damn months! That would explain why I’ve felt like complete shit and why it only comes in the mornings.

The sound of my phone ringing made me jump and pulled me out of my concentration. I looked at the called id and saw it was Trace.

“Hello?”

“Hey Lizbo, what’s shakin' bacon?”

Still in shock I was silent for a while, “Liz?”

The sound of Trace saying my name pulled me out once again, “What?”

“Did I call at a bad time?”

“Yes, no, I mean…shit.”

“What’s going on babe?”

“I-I don’t know where to start.” I said tears brimming in my eyes.

Why didn’t I catch this earlier?

I’m sure he heard my voice break over the phone because when he came back over the line I heard panic in his voice, “Beth do you need me to come over there?”

“Could you? I mean I’m fine. But I could really use you right now.”

“I’m on my way.”

Then I heard the line go dead.

~*~

An hour later after I’ve cried and bared my soul to Trace and told him things that he probably could have lived his life without knowing I find myself sitting on the edge of the bathtub waiting for a plus or a negative on at least 5 different pregnancy tests.

My leg is bouncing up down impatiently with Trace holding my hand the whole time.

“What if I am?” I blurt out randomly as I’m intently staring at one of the sticks in a cup.

He cleared his throat before he began, “Then it’s amazing, Beth.” I heard his voice break and looked over at him and saw the tears brimming in his eyes, “We’ll have a healthy, living, breathing, genetically charming, piece of Justin for the rest of our lives. You’ll be giving us all, including yourself, the greatest gift. This baby could never fill the whole that Justin left, but a big chunk of it would be filled.”

The tears immediately began to fall from my eyes, “He wanted this baby so bad, Trace. So bad. So do I. But I don’t want this without him. I can’t do this without him.”

He pushed my hair out of my face and rubbed some of the tears away, “Yes you can. And you will. Do you not realize how many people you have in your corner, Beth? You’ll never, NEVER be alone in raising this baby. Myself mainly. Justin would come back just to kick my ass if I wasn’t. You’re all I have left Lizbo. I plan on being right here beside you the whole time. If the roles were reversed and it was Justin in my place it would be exactly like I would want it. If for some reason I couldn’t be there for my loved one he’s the only person I would want standing in my place.”

I smiled through the tears, “You’re so much wiser than we’ve ever given you credit for Tracey. I have no idea where I would be without you here to pull my head out of my ass and set it on straight.” I said as I wiped at the tears. I looked up and took a breath as the timer went off.

“Want me to look?” Trace asked as he stood and let go of my hand.

I closed my eyes and shook my head yes.

My stomach was doing all kinds of flips and summersaults I thought I was going to be sick.

“According to all five…you’re pregnant.” He said as we made eye contact. I saw a smile slowly creeps its way on his face. “Congratulations.”

Tears begin to flow again and I laugh, “I’m pregnant.”

“Yep.”

My hand found its way to my stomach and rubbed gently.

“We should call the doctor and get you an appointment just to get it confirmed. Maybe your mom can work you in today?”

“I heard her talking about how they were going to be slow today. So I think she can.”

“You’re having a baby, Liz.”

“I’m having a baby.”

“Is it ok that I want yell with excitement?” He asked.

Not intentionally wanting to put a damper on the excitement that I’m feeling I asked, “Is it ok that I’m a little bit sad right now?”

He immediately pulled me from my perch on the tub and into his arms. “You feel what you have too. If you want to feel excited, feel excited. If you want to scream, scream. You have to let yourself feel every emotion as it comes otherwise you’re never going to get through this. I’m here, Liz. It’s me, and you don’t have to hide anything from me.”

And just like that I was a pool of tears in his arms as I screamed into his shirt and brought both of us to our knees. He soothingly rubbed circles on my back and just let me cry.


~*~


That afternoon after I let all my sadness and anger out, I was actually able to feel a little excited about everything.

Trace and I went to my mom’s clinic and she got me in to see Dr. Malone right away. I filled him in on everything and did a test of his own. Sure enough, I was pregnant. I thought my mom was going to scream with excitement. He immediately set me up for an ultrasound which is what we’re doing right now.

The sound of the constant whoosh whoosh of my baby’s heart is the most amazing sound I think I’ve ever heard.

“That’s sounds amazing.” I say as tears began to brim in my eyes. “Is everything ok?” I asked.

He smiled at me, “From what I can tell you’re carrying a very healthy baby. The heart beats sounds strong and normal.” He moved the transducer around my stomach some more. “It’s looks as if you’re a good five months pregnant.” He turned and looked at me. “How did you not realize this?” He said shaking his head as I shrugged. “I’m going to refer you to an OBGYN. She’s possibly one of the best in the state. She’s someone I think you’d be able to trust with your situation. I’ll give you her number. I want you to set up an appointment with her as soon as possible. And I think it’s safe to say you can stop taking that anti nausea medicine I prescribed.” He said with a smile as he pulled my shirt back down and turned off the monitor. He slid his stool over to the counter and began to write on a piece of paper. “This is her number. Her name is Dr. Jennifer Morgan.” He said as he stood and walked over to me to hand me the piece of paper. “I’ll have Angie fax over all your information today. So I’m sure her secretary will be calling you before you actually call her.”

“Thank you Doc.” I said with a smile.

“You’re welcome darling. Gosh, I still can’t believe you’re having a baby. Congratulations.” He said as he wrapped me up in a hug. “You’re going to have a lot of happy people on your hands.”

“I know.” I said smiling.

“I’ll see you soon, Elizabeth.” He said as he walked out of the room to tend to his other patients.

“I’m going to be Grandma.” My mom said disbelievingly. “I was beginning to think it was never going to happen. And now it is.” She said as she gently rubbed my stomach. “Hey in there. I’m your Grandma. You know you couldn’t have picked a better time to decide to make yourself known to us. We can’t wait to meet you.” She said as she placed a small kiss on my belly.

“And I’m your Uncle Trace. We’re going to have so much fun when you get here I’m going to teach you how to play basketball, how to fish, how to pick up girls-“

“This baby could very well be a girl you know.” I said laughing.

“I could still show her how to pick up chicks. She might find it useful in college someday.”

I rolled my eyes and laughed.

“Five months? Can you believe it? No wonder I couldn’t fit into any of my clothes.” I said looking down at my stomach.

I have had a lot of good days in the past two months since Justin has been gone, but I think this one tops the cake.

It was almost as if he was talking right to me. Telling me that everything was going to be ok, and he was taking care of it.

And he is.

This was my sign that everything was going to be ok. And that yes, no matter how bad I want to crawl under a rock and hide sometimes, life does go on.


~*~

September 25, 2002

“Momma Lynn!” Trace’s voice yelled from behind the video camera.

“Yes?” She said with a smile as she turned and faced the boy that was calling for her attention.

“Any words for the happy couple we were all forced to sit through this thing for?” He asked as she smacked his arm playfully and laughed.

“Why yes I do.”

“The groom happens to be someone special to you is that correct? Would you mind sharing with the audience what exactly that connection is?”

“Trace is this completely necessary? Aren’t you just supposed to tape everyone having fun?”

“What kind of best man/video director would I be if I didn’t record every moment of this glorious event?”

“Trace-“

“This would go a lot quicker if you’d just answer the question, mom.” Trace said as he turned the camera on himself and rolled his eyes and then switched back to the woman in question.

Lynn rolled her eyes as well but smiled playing along, “The groom is my son, Justin Timberlake.”

“The Justin Timberlake?”

She laughed, “Yes.”

“Any thing special you want to say to the happy groom and bride?”

“It’s about time. I knew from the moment you three met in daycare that Elizabeth Parker was someone special, and that somehow she’d always be around. From that day on the three of you became inseparable. Where one was the other two were sure to follow. Then one day that freckle faced jeans and t-shirt, tomboy girl turned into a beautiful young woman. And I knew, despite how the two of them tried to fight it, that one day we’d be standing here watching them pledge their love to one another and all the people close to them. There is no one that is a better match for my son than, Beth. She’s…just amazing.”

“Why mom those aren't tears that I see in your eyes are they?”

“Oh stop.” She said as she waved at him and brought her other hand to wipe away some tears. “Anyway, there’s no better match out there for my son than her. Over the many years that she has ran through my house with the two of you, I have grown to love her like the daughter that I never had, and now I have. I love you both so very much, Justin and Beth. And I hope that years from now you both look back on this and realize how much both of you have impacted everyone around you including me with your love that has spanned over so many years. And wonder why exactly it is that you both kept Trace around all these years.”

“Hey!”

Lynn laughed, “You guys have made me so very happy. The only thing that could make me happier is…grandbabies!! Come on you guys I’m not getting any younger!”

“Ugh, baby talk. Could this day get any more sickening?” Trace asked as he turned the camera on himself.

“Nope. You’re still around so its bound to get even sicker.”

“Har har, the groom in question got jokes. Get outta here man. You’ll get more camera time in due time.” Trace said trying to push Justin out of the shot.

“Tell me again why I put you in charge of the video?”

“Because you know you’d get the best quality and the best entertainment?”

“Because he was free of charge!” Beth said as she came into the shot as well standing on the other side of Trace.

“What a funny pair the two of them make huh guys?” Trace said sarcasm leaking from every word. “Would you two please get out of my shot? Your turn will come I promise.”

Lynn came over and placed a kiss on her son’s cheek, “Congratulations baby.”

“Thanks mom.” He said as he wrapped an arm around his wife.

“You better take good care of her, Timberlake.” She said as she pointed her finger at him.

“What? I’m your offspring! Shouldn’t this be reversed?”

“I have no doubt that Beth will take good care of you.”

“Are you getting this on tape Ayala?”

Trace snickered, “Every minute of it. Ha! Score for team Park-I mean Timberlake. Wow that’s weird.”


~*~


Taking a deep breath I knocked on the door of the house that I had been to a number of times throughout my childhood. Although this was the first time that I have seen this house without the person I intended to see not inside or by my side.

I knew the moment that I saw the pink lines and plus signs on the five different tests that this conversation was inevitable. The only person that knows EXACTLY how I feel and then some, and could possibly be more excited about this pregnancy than me, was on the other side of this door.

I loved this woman.

Just as much as I loved my own mother if not more.

She’s always treated me like one of her own. During the first couple of weeks of Justin’s death we leaned on each other so much. Probably a little too much. I wouldn’t see anyone but Lynn. Not even my own mom. Lynn was the only person I would talk to, even open the door for. I realize now that I probably hurt Trace and Mom a lot by not letting them in. But Lynn was just…she was the only one that knew what I felt. She lost her son, and I lost my husband. Those go hand in hand.

But after those few weeks I sunk even more into my depression without Justin there. It just got harder and harder too see her. I just stopped seeing her altogether.

It didn’t mean I didn’t love her any more or less. It was just so hard to see her. She was the most important person in Justin’s life. His mother was his world. With good reason. She’s the most strong, loving, kind person I’ve ever met. She lived for her son. I remember when we were younger and Justin was first toying with being an entertainer. She sat with him and talked about every single aspect of it. How far he intended to go. If it was just a phase that he was going through. It soon became evident that Justin Timberlake was destined for more than just the small town of Millington, Tennessee. And Lynn bent over backwards to make sure that Justin had every option that she didn’t have. She
made sure he seized every single opportunity that he was handed with all he had.

I’m sure you can see why it became so hard to see her. But god I missed her.

And the one thing that we both wanted so much was here. Justin was here. Maybe not him exactly, but so much of Justin was in this child. We had a living, breathing part of Justin. And it could be the one thing that could bring us both out of this deep dark hole.

I smoothed my shirt down in front of me and shifted my purse on my shoulder as I heard the door opening.

I heard her breath catch in her throat, and saw the tears brimming her eyes as she saw me. “Hey mom.” I said weakly fighting back my own tears.

She immediately engulfed me into a hug.

I breathed deep. She still smelled the same. Like…god I don’t even know how to describe that. She just smells like home. Everything good that I remember about my childhood. Everything good that I remember about my husband.

“Honey, it’s so good to see you. I have missed you so much. I’ve been so worried about you. I was beginning to think that I’d never see you again.” She said as she pulled back and looked me over. Inspecting me like every mother does. Going over the mental check list in their heads. Was I eating right? Was my hair longer? Am I taking proper care of myself?

I smiled weakly and choked back my tears, “I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry I haven’t been by or called. I just…it’s been, well it’s been rough. And I just…it was hard you know? But I didn’t mean to push you away.”

She smiled, and pushed my hair back behind my ear and rubbed the side of my face, “I know honey, I know. You don’t need to explain anything to me ok? I’m just glad you’re here now.” She said as she grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Are you hungry?”

I smiled at her, and wiped at my tears, “Always.” I said as she led me into the house.

She closed the door behind us and led us both into the kitchen. “Where’s Dad?” I asked referring to Paul as I sat down at the breakfast table.

“He’s, well, he’s golfing. Can you believe that?” She asked as she poured us both a glass of tea. The healing liquid of the South.

Golf. It was no secret that both our husbands loved to golf. Paul was the whole reason Justin got into the sport to begin with. He always saw it as time spent with his Dad, and it slowly became an obsession.

For the both of them.

I can’t tell you how many golfing events I was drug too. I thought the sport was rather boring myself, but it made me happy to see him so excited about something that he loved so much.

Paul always kept his clubs beside the door. Like Justin’s sock habit. Golf Clubs were Paul’s. I can’t tell you how many arguments I’ve heard Lynn and Paul get into over him not putting them up in the hall closet. Lynn always lost, kind of like me with the dirty socks.

When Justin died, the golf clubs were put up. Lynn, during the times we still saw each other regularly after Justin’s death, told me anything pertaining to golf Paul would completely ignore or change the channel.

My eyes got wide, “Really?”

Lynn smiled, “Yes. I asked him why and he told me it just felt like a good day for golf. I don’t know what was so special about today, but whatever it was it’s sure welcomed.” She said as she sat down across from me at the table. She handed me my glass and I immediately brought it to my lips. “It’s just…today has been surprising to say the least. It’s been a good day. One of the best I’ve had in a while.” She said sipping her tea and placing it back on the table.

I smiled at her, “I’m glad. So glad.”

“The boys have been calling daily.” She said smiling. I knew who she was talking about. Justin’s surrogate brothers. “They all ask about you. We’ve all decided to get together on the fourth of July. I’ve really missed them all. I think it’d be good to get them all together. Justin always wanted that.” She said as she looked down at the table.

“I know. I think that’s a great idea. I never thought I’d hear myself saying it, but I really miss them all.” I said as she laughed.

“Me too, honey. When they were all together, especially when they first started out. They’d all spend days camped out here at the house. I prayed for the days when the peace and quiet would come. Now I kind of miss it.” She said scrunching up her nose as she laughed.

“I do too. Well except those time where they all ganged up on me. God, even Trace went over to the Dark Side.” I said as I shook my head.

A comfortable silence fell over both of us as we both drank our tea.

Lynn finally broke it, “So, how have you been honey? Things been getting easier for you?”

I smiled and slowly shook my head, “Day by day. There are days that all I want to do is scream and cry, but here lately those days have been few and far between. Then there are the days that, I just feel like myself again. As much as I can feel anyway.”

She reached across and grabbed my hand, “That’s good honey. I was getting so worried about you. Trace kept me updated on you though. God, that boy has been such a god send. I just…I love and appreciate him a lot more now you know? Every time I look at him, I see Justin. He doesn’t take the place of my own son, doesn’t come even close, but he makes it easier. I’ve always thought of him as my own anyway. You as well, sweetheart. You’re still mine though. Always will be.” She said as she brought my hand up to her lips as she kissed it.

I smiled at her. “I’m going to be completely honest with you. There is a reason why I’m here today.” I said.

“I thought so.” She said smiling as she got up from her spot at the table. “I’ve been meaning to bring this all over to you, anyway. Follow me, honey. I’ve got all the paper work regarding his assets in the-“

“Oh god, no.” I said smiling, gently interrupting her, “I’m not here for all of that. That’s the furthest thing from my mind. I mean, well, I know I can’t put all that stuff off any longer than I have, but I’m here because of something else.”

She gave me a bewildered look. As if she was trying to figure out what it was exactly. She crossed her arm over her chest, “What is it?”

“I think you should sit down.” I said.

“Oh god. Is it bad? Are you ok honey?” She asked as she scooted her chair closer to mine.

I grabbed both of her hands, and smiled at her reassuringly. I squeezed them both, and said, “It’s nothing bad. It’s…it’s very good actually.”

She smiled again, “What is it, baby? Are you going back to work or something? I mean you know you don’t have too. But I understand it’s something to keep your mind off things and-“

“Mom. No. No. It’s not that either. I don’t even know where to begin. I couldn’t believe it myself when I found out.” I said as tears began to fall. I smiled through them as best I could.

“Honey what is it?” she asked as she rubbed my cheek reassuringly.

“I just thought…I always thought we’d be telling you this together. But he’s not here.” I said as I breathed deep and smiled as I let out the breath. “I am. So here it goes…I’m pregnant.”

Silence.

I swear I could hear crickets chirping.

“Mom? Mom are you ok?”

She shook her head, “Say that again?”

“I’m pregnant.” I said with a smile as I saw her finally sink it in. Tears immediately came to her eyes and her hand flew up to her mouth.

“How? I mean I know how, but…he’s…you haven’t? Oh god I know you haven’t but how the…”

I laughed, “His birthday. I know you don’t want to know that, but that was the last time.”

“His birthday?” She asked.

“Remember we went away for the weekend?”

“Yeah I remember. God he was so excited about that.” She said laughing as we both tried to see through our blinding tears. She sniffled, “Pregnant? Oh honey do you know what this means?” She said as she pulled me into a tight hug.

We sat that way for the longest time. Just holding each other and crying on the other shoulder. We didn’t even hear the door open.

“What’s going on? Beth? Is that you?” Paul asked.

Lynn and I immediately pulled apart and stood. Both of us wiping at our eyes.

“What’s going on?” He asked again as he walked his clubs back out to the garage.

When he came back he walked over to Lynn and I and pulled me into a hug. “We’ve missed you around here, kid. Now are you guys going to tell me what’s the matter?”

“Beth has some news, babe.”

He looked down to me and pulled me closer to his side, “You’re not moving away from us are you?”

I looked up at him and shook my head no. He squeezed me tighter in support, “Are you ok, honey? You’re not sick or anything?”

“It’s good, Paul. Just let her talk. Give her a minute.”

“Should we sit down?” He asked.

“Probably.”

Lynn and I sat down again as Paul joined us.

“Well-“ I began.

“She’s pregnant!” Lynn said as she squealed beating me to the punch.

“Pregnant?” He said mirroring the reaction Lynn had.

I laughed, “Five months to be exact.”

“Five months? Wow.” Paul said as he sat in shock.

“This mean we’ve only got four months to prepare. Oh honey, you just, you just don’t know how happy you’ve made me. You’ve finally brought some light back into my life. It’s almost as if we’ve got him back.” Lynn said.

See what I mean? What did I tell you? She knows. She just…knows. Everything I felt she’s mirroring. And everything I’ve thought she’s saying. She’s…Lynn. My mother in law. My second mom. My baby’s grandmother!

I can’t believe I’m saying that! Wow.

Paul looked up at me again and smiled, “I’m going to be a grandpa.” He said as he looked back over to Lynn, “I told you it was a good day to go golfing.” He said as Lynn began to cry. “He’s telling us everything is going to be ok. We’re going to be ok, girls. I know it.” He said as he took both our hands and squeezed them.

“Yes we are.” Lynn said, “Have you made any appointments?”

“Dr. Malone referred me to an OBGYN he knows, Jennifer Morgan. I have an appointment with her on Monday at 8:00 am. I was, kind of wondering if you’d go with me? My mom has to work that morning and I think Trace has a meeting that day and I really don’t want to go by myself.” I said rushing it out in one breath.

“Wild horses couldn’t keep me away.” Lynn said as she grabbed me into a hug again. “I love you so much, Beth. So much.”

“I love you too, Lynn.”

“Well I think this is a cause to celebrate. What do you say girls? Let go into the city and have dinner.”

“I don’t know Paul. Beth may have plans.” Lynn said looking at me.

“Oh come on, Beth. You don’t mind hanging out with the old folks do ya?”

I laughed, “I can’t think of any other old folks I’d rather hang out with than you two. What time?” I asked.

“6:00.” He answered proudly as he wrapped his arm around Lynn’s shoulder pulling her into him.

Would it be horrible to admit that I was a little jealous right there?

They got to enjoy learning they’re going to be grandparents together.

And me?

I’d never have that.

My husband will never get to hold his child.

My child will never be able to know their father.

Sensing my change in mood, Lynn knelt down to me, “You’re going to be fine, baby. We’ll be here for you.”

I smiled and choked back my tears, “I know you will. It’s just…it’s everything he ever wanted, you know? I could never get him to shut up about this. Especially the last couple of months before. Having a baby was all he could talk about. And he won’t get to experience any of it.” I said letting the tears fall now. “It’s just…it’s not fair.” I said as I wiped at the tears with the back of my palm. “I’m sorry. I know this is a good thing. I wouldn’t change it. But I just wish you know? I wish he could be here to share in this.”

Lynn pulled me into her again, “I know honey. I wish the same things. But don’t you for one second believe that he’s not here right now. He’s right here.” She said pointing at my heart. “And he’s everywhere in this house. In your house. I honestly believe that he’s exactly where he would be if he were here right now. Right by your side. Joining in on this happy moment. The moment that he created. And as for this baby? This baby will grow up knowing it’s father. How much he wanted them, and how much he loved them. I promise you that.”

We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about baby stuff. And old times. And when six o’clock came we went to dinner like Paul said. And I can’t tell you the last time that I had such a great time.

Why was I nervous before I knocked on that door?

I don’t know.

But for the first time in a long time, I actually believed that I was going to be ok.

Those words weren’t just words that were being spoken. I actually believed them.

I WAS going to be ok.

I was going to be a mom!