Of all the things I still remember, summers never look the same, years go by and time just seems to fly but the memories remain. In the middle of September, we still play out in the rain, nothing to lose but everything to gain.  Reflecting now on how things could have been, it was worth it in the end.

"JUMP!" he screamed at me from below. "ASHLEE, COME ONNNN! JUMPPP!!"

"AHHHHHH!!!!"  I screamed as my feet lifted off the ground and onto the rope, swinging out over the gorgeous lake. At just the right height I launch my body off the rope and very quickly splash into the water. Being dare devils and swinging off cliffs never seemed like it would be a great time, but I found a love for it, along with the love of a man. Even though I have done this every day of summer for the last four years, each time the scared part of me comes out and takes over.

"See babe, nothing bad is going to happen... nothing to be scared about." He said as I get lost in those big blue eyes, he tightens his grip around me. "I would never let anything bad happen to you."

"I love you" I whispered in his ear. Love. Not what I expected to get out of that summer.

The memories of the lake will always be etched into my brain

When I would have a rough day or when I needed time to myself I would end up here sitting on the rock at the high point and watch the water move. It always seemed to clear my head. I met him at this very lake, on that very rock. The day we met, I had a breakdown of sorts with my mother who seemed to think my career path was the wrong one to choose. Music was my passion and nothing was going to stop me from doing exactly what I wanted to.

Not paying any attention, I ran up that path, walking up to my rock and I literally ran into him. There was never anyone ever there. He took me by surprise. Once we struck up a conversation that's all it took. We have been together since that very day.

Our parents were typical parents; they resisted our relationship at first. Justin was a year older than I was and had his mind set on a career in music. I was fresh faced and just out of high school, on my way to college. They fought with comments that we were too young to be spending so much time together.  We needed to experience life without each other. After time passed they realized the love we shared and being in love wasn't such a bad thing. We pushed each other every day to succeed.

Lying in his arms as the sun sets and the stars start to fill the sky, I wonder what my life would have been like without him in it. Who would I be today without his love? Would I be the same person? Would I be open to love without him?

Growing up in this town with dreams of getting out and doing big things was something we shared. He had the most amazing voice I would ever have the pleasure to hear. His dream was to record music. Hopeful that one day millions of people would buy his albums and support his music. His ideas and vision on music was something I have never seen before. The music industry would never going to be the same once he brought his touch on the way a song is perceived.

I supported his dream and was ready for the ride. He was in the process of getting demos ready while I finished school. As great as Millington was, we needed out of this small town and ready for what life brings us. We were headed for Los Angeles. I had always wanted to be in the music industry scouting new talents and discovering what music was all about. Taking classes was something I had to do for a degree and that was all about to be over. We were just days away from graduation, how fast time flies.

Navy Lake served as our focal point for summers. It wasn't summer unless we spent every waking moment near that lake. Jumping off the side cliffs into the water, running and jumping off the square shaped horseshoe pier, listening to the older generation crucify us for everything we chose to do. All the good and the bad happened at this very place.

My entire body shakes as I put down the phone. Everything I have ever wanted in life was just handed to me. I had the love of my life next to me the rest of my life and I had the dream job just an interview away.

He was meeting me at the lake and I was about to give him the best news of our lives.  I walked slowly up the trail that we have taken so many times before and finally saw him standing next to the very rock we used to sit on telling stories about our past and ideas of what we wanted for the future.  He looked scared and a little worried. I stepped up to him, pressing my lips on his. They were stiff this time. He expected the worst of news. "Hey babe!"

"Don't do this to me... don't play the long drawn out revealing what's going on game, I need to know what's going on your scaring me." His said with his deep blue eyes drawing me in. There was something off with his eyes today but I blew it off as worry and stress. I take my hand and place it on his face, rubbing my thumbs over his cheekbones, tracing every grove of his jaw line. His face seemed flushed and warm to the touch.

Finally I lean in to his face, placing my lips along his ear and whisper, "I have an interview... for Jive Records."

His face lights ups as he sighs with relief. "Seriously?"

"And they want to meet you." My voice broke down, "They want to hear your music. They actually listened to what I had to say. They really listened."

"This is really happening?" he questions. He couldn't believe this was actually happening either.

"We fly out next Wednesday."

"Wow." He says, thinking this was all still a dream. "This is really happening."

"It really is." I said as he takes my hand placing is around his back, as he pulls me closer.

I laid my head down on his chest; his skin was warm through the cotton of his shirt. "Are you okay?" I asked him.

"Everything is perfect now."

Justin was the definition of love for me. He held my heart for as long as I can remember. Everything I have ever wanted out of life involved him. Every up and every down a person can have in their life, I wanted with him. I was proud to be his wife. I was proud to carry his last name. I would be proud to be the mother of his children one day.

All the promises we made, One by one they vanish just the same....

Dreams and aspirations. The dream had come true, the love had always been there. The aspirations, the goals, had to be put on hold.

Dark clouds surround the sky; the wind has a slight chill. I step in front of him, black dress and tears in my eyes. I kneel down, "I went to the lake this morning, to find some answers..." My voice broke and the tears rolled out of my eyes, crashing to the ground. "I could have sworn I saw you there." I dropped my head down to lean against the cold steel.

I should've trusted my instincts. I knew the look he had in his eyes was off. I should've known...I knew something wasn't right.

The clouds opened and the rain starts to pour, I look up at the dark clouds surrounding me. "We always wanted to leave this town, make our dreams come true... Everything had finally worked out for us. I never thought I would be standing over your grave, staring at your casket, praying to God my legs don't buckle beneath me."

Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear, so we made our way but finding what was real,

now the days are so long, that summers moving on, I reach for something that's already gone...

                Springtime was a great time in Millington. It simply meant that summer was just around the corner. There wasn't much to do in this small town and I hated the idea of doing nothing the entire summer. I wanted to move back into the city. I never wanted to move into the country and be miles and miles from that city skyline I loved so much. In all the years I lived in the city, it never crossed my mind to even step foot in this town outside of a town outside of Memphis. There was no purpose for it. I loved the city, I loved everything about it.

                Springtime also meant there were decisions that needed to be made. I had been accepted to the University of Nashville. Against my mother's wishes, I signed the paperwork and sent it back to the University, it was the choice I wanted and I wasn't going to let her or anyone stop me. Being in Nashville meant I would be in the middle of a music scene that would help gravitate me to where I wanted to end up.

                I was the outcast in the small town of Millington. I didn't know how different I was until I was put in a room full of people how I had no interests with. Every female in my age range was planning their weddings and their future families. None of them cared to make plans for what they wanted to do with their lives for themselves. Being married and children wasn't something I had even thought about.

                A family of my own wasn't something that was a priority for me. In all honesty I didn't want to end up like my mother. She relied on a man for everything. She made the world she lived in revolve around the wants and needs of a man. I wasn't going to be that person. I vowed to myself that I would never let a guy that far into my heart to know what it felt like to have to let them go.

                My parents were married right out of high school. Both had dreams of attending college together and making their dreams reality. In their sophomore year of college my mother found out she was pregnant with my brother. She tried to continue with school and dealing with being a new mom, and a new wife. She finished one semester of her junior year, then she found out she was pregnant again, with me this time. I seemed to be the final nail in the coffin for her. She was handling everything that life had handed her, but the reality of two children, a job, a husband, and school was set in and she dropped out. I became the blame for her life not working out the way she wanted.

                It wasn't however my father to blame for the reason she never saw the signs that he wasn't faithful, that was her fault. I saw the signs and I was only a child. She didn't want to see the signs. She didn't want to believe that she had given up her dreams for a man that would leave her just years after their fairytale wedding day. When my parents divorced, my mother moved us to the city. Living in a small town in the south, divorce wasn't something you did. She couldn't handle the scrutiny, she opted to run from it.

In the years that followed Christopher became my saving grace. He wasn't much older than I was, but he was all I had. She became a person I didn't know anymore. She bounced us from apartment to apartment with her boyfriend of the month. We never knew what each day brought us. She finally came around and found herself a wealthy banker that took her under his wings. I thank god for him every day. James was the best thing that ever happened to our lives. But he was also the one person that took me from the one that I had constant in my life, the one thing I had ever known. The city.

My father, I don't think I would know who he was if I past him on the street. I haven't seen him once in the last eight years. I heard a few years ago that he had gotten remarried and had more children, but that was uncertain as well. I could have crossed paths with them many times and never known.

                When I walked in the door today, I saw the envelope my mother had in her hand. It was a large white envelope with the university's logo printed on the top left corner. I knew I was going to be lectured about this but I didn't expect the out pour that I received.

"When were you going to inform me that you were going to attend a University that was across the state? Did you think at all how this would make me feel or how James would feel about you moving hundreds of miles away?" She slams the packet down on the table. "James pulled a lot of strings to ensure that job at the bank for you."

 "I want to do this. I don't want to work at the bank forever. It's a great summer job but..." I picked up the envelope off the table, "this is what I want to do with my life. Why is it so difficult to accept that?" My face was heated; the blood through my entire body was at boil point. My mother had no right to tell me what she thought I should do. I remember being eight years old and taking care of myself. I seemed to have made the best choices I could for myself then, why now a decade later does she seem to think she knows better. I understood she should have an opinion about the choices I was making, she was my mother after all but this had to be my choice. This was something I was decided to do for the next forty or so years.

"It's irresponsible Ashlee. Just irresponsible." She rolled her eyes.

I snapped back quickly, "The irresponsible choice would have been deciding not to go to college in the fall. The irresponsible choice would be settling for the first thing I was offered."

She rolled her eyes at me again, tapping her newly purchased heels off of the table. "The career path you're choosing is not realistic. It's not something you are going to be able to support a family on. It's a choice your making now you think is the right one, but it's not."

I stood up, "I won't have a family to support. You have made that very clear time and time again that I can't love anyone enough to have a husband. My decision is just that, my decision." I turned and walked out of the room but she wasn't done with the conversation.

She starts screaming at me, even louder this time. "Ashlee Rose, I did not give up my entire life for you to screw everything by making stupid choices... I gave up so much for you to have what you have."

"I never asked you one time to give up anything." I closed my eyes exhaling a deep breath. My hands started flying around, my pointer finger ended up being pointed directly at her, "That was a choice you made." I walked out the front door, slamming it behind me.

                I was the person I was because of her. And I don't know if that was in spite of her or because of her. I learned through the choices she made at a very young age, what to do and what not to do. I wasn't going to make the same choices she did. I wasn't going to end up the way she did. As much as I loved James and respected him, by mother didn't know what love was. She saw a security in him and she took it with open arms. Love wasn't something I had really known in my life.

                I went to the one place I knew always may be see clarity. I started up the path I had run up so many times before. I had a one track mind running up that path.  I was headed for one spot in particular. It was the highest point that overlooked the water of the lake moving below it. I felt on top of the water at all times. Something about the quietness of being this far out from the world and the water flowing freely around me, made the choices in life a little easier to deal with.

                I heard the strums of a guitar riff, passing it off as music in my head. But when I plopped my body down onto that rock, I felt a body behind me. I panicked for a moment. No one was ever here, I have never seen anyone here in all the years I have been coming up here. I heard the sound of a wood guitar hit the ground. I jumped, turning to see a guy sitting there, shocked as well.

"Who are you?" I asked watching him pick up the guitar. "Why are you here?"

"Why don't you watch were your going?" he snapped, "You just knocked my most prized possession on the ground."

I watched him, the way he moved, and the way he spoke. He was strikingly gorgeous. His cheekbones were perfectly chiseled. His lips were perched perfectly as the words flowed out. His eyes, oh his eyes were the perfection of blue. When our eyes locked the oddest feeling overcame my thought process. Within hours of meeting him, I learned quickly that we were one and the same.

Day after day I would show up to the lake hoping I would see him, that feeling was weird. I have never wanted someone in my life the way I wanted him. I hid that from him and even myself. I was stubborn and had that wall up preventing him from getting to know who I really was, but he managed to break that wall down. He not only broke through it, he shattered it. I fought it. I didn't want to be that woman. I didn't want to need a man. I didn't want to be my mother. It wasn't like that with us.

The first time I jumped off that cliff, with his hand in mine I knew I was letting the wall down. "You ready?" he asked with an enormous smile on his face.

"As I'll ever be..." I exhaled, scared. The jump was far.

"On 3." He said.

"On 3 or after 3?" I questioned. My nerves were getting the best of me.

"Whatever!"

"No... no... no... it's not whatever..."

"Fine, Ms. I need to have every detail.... We will count backwards. After 1, we jump. Got it?"

"Yea, got it." Against my better judgment, I did as he said.

"3...2...1...."

"Ahhhh!" I screamed as hit the water. We landed, still latched together. He leaned in pressing his soft lips on mine. He was scared at first, he thought I didn't want it. But as he pulled away I pulled him back in, wrapping my arms around his waist, deepening the kiss.

It was the first of many unforgettable kisses. The first of many unforgettable moments.

He was this talent waiting to burst through the threshold of the industry. Many nights I sat and listened to him hum a melody. I didn't need to hear any lyrics he had written, the tone in his voice as it hummed was all I needed. With his talent, I had found my very first artist. Once I was finished with school, He would give me my name.

My mother thought and believed that my relationship with Justin was the wrong choice in the beginning. As the time passed she thought that if she was on board with the relationship it would prevent me from going away to school. But unlike my mother, I didn't have to choose one over the other.

When summer came to a close and September was just around the corner, I went to Nashville. We both dreaded that time coming and it took work on both parts, but we made it work. We traveled to see each other non-stop. Each summer, I would return to Millington and return to that lake, spending each day with him watching the sunset, falling asleep in his arms under the stars, and watching the sun rise. The miles apart never stopped the love in our hearts, it made us stronger.

                Looking back at that first summer with him, it changed everything I ever thought about love. The fear of love subsided at the waist side when I was wrapped in his arms. I fell madly in love with him. With everything I had in me, I tried not to but he pulled me into the dark side known as love. There was nothing to be scared of anymore. Well, nothing other than the end.

                My knees buckled to the cold white tile of the hospital floor. How can these words be true? How can the love of my life be no more? The blaring white lights of a hospital became dim; the room was closing in on me, I could only hear the sound of my own heartbeat beating so hard I thought it was going to burst out of my chest. My body began to shake as my mother places her hands on my back, the only kind of comfort my mother knew how to give. I tore through her arms, climbing back to my feet and running down the hallway, I had to see him. This couldn't be true.

I broke free from every nurse, doctor, man, or woman standing in my way. I rounded the corner of his room to see a white sheet. I could see he was in the bed, but he was covered up. "Why do you have his face covered up?" I franticly screamed. "He doesn't like to be covered up like that."

"Ma'am... please..." the doctor grabbed my wrist. "He's gone."

I ripped my hand out of his, rushing over to the side of the bed. "He can't be... he just can't be..." His fingers rested just outside of the sheet. I placed my hand on his, they weren't so warm anymore. The coolness of his hands sent a shockwave through my system. I intertwined my fingers with his, my hands shaking uncontrollably. "Justin..." I screamed. My throat started to quiver with every word I could manage to get out. "Please don't leave me here alone... please.... Please don't leave me in this world without you..." I dropped my head to his body, my head rested on his stomach. I couldn't bear to lift the sheet and see his face. Every part of his body seemed to be losing body temperature as the moments passed. "I need you."

"Ma'am" the doctor touched my shoulder "We have to take him away now."

I shook him away, "He can't be gone.... He just can't be."

He grabbed my shoulders, gripping them tightly as the bed rolled out the door and away from me.

"Noooo..." I screamed hitting the floor, pounding my fist off the floor. "Why? Why not me, why does it have to be him?"

                A blur surrounded my world. Nothing was the same anymore. A split second changed my life forever. I had just talked to him on the phone; I had just heard his voice. He was full of life; he was excited about our trip coming up. How could someone just simply be gone from this world the next minute?

"I'm here Ashlee, I'm here." I heard the sound of my brother's voice, but I couldn't see him. I couldn't find the energy to pick my head up enough to see if he was really here. He curled up next to me on the floor where I had spent the last countless hours.

I couldn't smell his scent on the pillow knowing I was never going to smell him again. I couldn't lie in the bed where we had just made love this morning. I couldn't be in that bed, where I would never share with him again. Just the idea of being in this apartment that we shared together, knowing he would never walk through that door again was heart wrenching enough. I would never get to run my hand threw his curls again. I would never get to see those blue eyes again. "I will be here as long as you need me... Ash I'm here..." he pulls my hair out of my face, wrapping it around my neck.

I felt as if I was in a constant daze. The world around me didn't exist anymore. I was moving in slow motion with everything around me moving a hundred miles per hour. If I stayed in that one position, maybe I would wake up from whatever nightmare I was in. After a forceful push from Chris, I did manage to get off that floor. He wouldn't let me drown in my own sorrows, as much as I wanted to, he wouldn't allow it.

                The dining room table at my mother's house that we had sat at dinner hundreds of times was just another memory of the love I had lost. I run my hand over the wood grain of the seat he always sat in, that was now empty.

My parents, his parents, my brother, his wife had all gathered with the funeral director to make decisions about my husband's final plans.

I couldn't take my eyes off of that empty chair. I wasn't sure if I wanted it to remain empty or if I wanted someone to sit in it. That was his seat. That has always been his seat.

 "Is this what it feels like?" I asked as everyone at the table turned to look at me. "Is this what it feels like to really cry?" my voice broke, "Is this what it feels like to be empty inside? Can I open my eyes now; can this all be over yet?" I dropped my head into hands, sobbing uncontrollably. I felt the petite hands of Lynn wrapping around my back. I felt selfish, I had lost him, but she had lost him as well. She had lost her only child. She had also lost the love of her life. I turned to look at her, "I can't do this."

"I know honey, I know." Her eyes were red and the tears were flowing over her eyelids.

                I stood from the table, looking at everyone watching me. They were just as scared. They didn't know what I would do. They didn't know what to do. Everyone seemed to be at a loss of what to say or do. "I won't do this." I said as I left that house in a run. I wasn't going to bury my husband. I wasn't going to do this. Any of it. Everything about my mother's house reminded me of him. Every path, every trail, every piece of life, was him. I ran to the very place I met him. The place I spent every waking moment with him. The place I fell in love with him. The place he proposed. The place I married him. I hit the ground when I reached that very rock.

                I swear I could still see him strumming that acoustic guitar on that rock. I could still hear his humming to perfection. I could still feel him here. I closed my eyes, trying to go back to the moments we had here.

I wanted to wake up from whatever nightmare I was having.

I wanted to wake up and never sleep again.

 I wanted him to be here to tell me everything's going to be okay.

 I need him to tell me, he is okay and this was all by mistake.

The hours seem to dissipate.

"Ashlee honey, we have to go ..." My brother took my hand, as I stepped out of the car. Dark clouds surround the sky; the wind has a slight chill. I stopped in my tracks when I see what was at the end of the path.  I couldn't believe that he was actually in there. I step in front of him, black dress and tears in my eyes. I kneel down, "I went to the lake this morning, to find some answers..." My voice broke and the tears rolled out of my eyes, crashing to the ground. "I could have sworn I saw you there." I dropped my head down to lean against the cold steel.

The clouds opened and the rain starts to pour, I look up at the dark clouds surrounding me. "We always wanted to leave this town, make our dreams come true... I never thought I would be standing over your grave, staring at your casket, praying to God my legs don't buckle beneath me." As I begin to lose my balance, Chris helps me to a chair.

I couldn't take my eyes off of that black steel that held my life in it.

When I finally stood in front of all the faces staring back at me, all of which I knew, but couldn't remember a single one of them. "Justin was the definition of love for me. He has held my heart for as long as I can remember. Everything I have ever wanted out of life involved him. Every up and every down a person can have in their life, I wanted with him. I'm proud to be his wife. I'm proud to carry his last name. I would have been proud to be the mother of his children one day. My heart will never be the same, the light in my life, is gone... All the promises we made, One by one they vanish just the same...."

**

The day I said goodbye was the day I said goodbye to my life as well. Nothing mattered anymore. My dreams meant nothing without him by my side. Graduation day came and gone without the mention of a celebration. There was nothing to celebrate. It seems like it only been a moment since the angels took him from my arms. I was left here holding onto our tomorrow, that I never got to have. The pain and emptiness consumed my life. With each day that passes, I know that its one day closer to seeing him again. That's all I wanted out of my life, I just wanted to see him again.

The executives from Jive left me several messages, but I didn't have the courage to tell them the truth. I just ignored their phone calls. I didn't want to hear what they had to say, I didn't want to say the words out loud. Saying it out loud made it as real as the echo of my cries in this apartment.

I gave up Jive.

I gave up my dreams.

I gave up everything.

"I need you to open your eyes..." I heard his voice say. A voice I hadn't heard in a while. A voice I didn't think I would ever hear again. "I need you to breathe again." I lay in that bed awake yet again, knowing I had officially gone off the deep end. I was hearing his voice. "Ashlee my love, I need you to open up your eyes. I need you to see the world without the sorrow in your eyes. Ashlee my love, I need you to find the peace you never thought you would find, it's closer than you ever thought. There are no more tears to cry. Ashlee I need you to chase your dream. I love you. I'm always with you... My love, welcome to the first day of your life."

                I gasped, flinging my head up off the bed. There was no one around. It was just a dream. I held my eyes tightly closed for the longest time, hoping that if I kept them closed, his voice would come back to me. But there was it was, it had returned. Silence. I could hear the traffic on the street, the neighbors banging on the wall, the whining of the refrigerator but I could no longer hear his voice. The silence of my life had returned.

How and why I don't know but his words made me get out of bed. For the first time I felt like I could breathe again. His words gave me life again; a life I was unsure I could live without in him but it was more than I had the last couple months. I cleaned every inch of that apartment. Scrubbing it clean of everything I had known. I must have poured too much cleaning solution into the bucket and inhaled too much because I had the sudden urge that I was going to throw up. Maybe it was a mix of all the feelings and emotions with the chemicals in the air but I barely made it to the bathroom before I got sick.

Like every day before Chris came over to make sure I had lunch and dinner. When he walked in the apartment on this day, he was surprised to see me in the kitchen and not in bed. My face was still flushed and I still didn't feel very well but I had found some crackers in the cabinet that settle my stomach some.

"Ashlee?" he questioned with a worried look on his face.

I turned to see him in the doorway, white plastic take out bags in his hands. "Hi Chris."

"Is everything okay?" he asked placing the bags on the counter in the kitchen.

"My stomach is queasy this morning but...  I think for the first time I can breathe again."

 His eyes fill up with water and boil over the lid. He covers his face with his hand, hunching over. "I didn't think I would ever get you back."

I reached my hand over and placed it in his. "Thank you. For everything you have done for me. If I haven't said it enough, I'm sorry. I love you."

He gripped my hand tighter, "Thank you for coming back to me."

 "Justin is so mad at me..." I shook my head, staring at the floor. "I gave up on everything, I died along with him."

"He could never be mad at you. Disappointed maybe, be he could never be mad at you."

"I need to put my life back together. I know it's not going to happen overnight and I know that I will be dealing with his death for the rest of my life, but I need to succeed, I need to make my dreams come true..."

Of all the things I remember, summers never look the same. The years had gone by and the time just seemed to fly but the memories remain. I had nothing left to lose, but everything to gain. Leaving that town and moving to Los Angeles was the easiest and the hardest choice I had to make. Leaving Tennessee behind with the memories of Justin was the easy part. Living in California with no memories to make here was the hard part. Seeing the possibilities and the things we would have done in California is the hard part. We had done so many things, we had gone many places, and we had memories there that I could hold on to. There was no ‘we' here. There was no Justin to share with the world. The hardest thing is knowing this was our dream, this was something we wanted and here I was living it, without him. Every day was filled with music and he wasn't here to share it with. It took some time to find that love and that joy in music I had again. Every time I heard a song, I would only hear the guitar playing and it would immediately put an image in my head of him, on that rock, strumming his guitar.

 I think about him every day, more than it's probably healthy to. The photos are still in the frames the way they were two years ago when I lost him. They were in a different house, in a different state, on a different table now but they will always remain in my sight. There were new photos of new memories to share with the ones of the past. Our wedding photos were on display every day, I wanted to see his face, I wanted to always remember his smile, even with the pain it caused me.

 He was my husband. He was the love of my life. He was the part of me that I never going to be whole without. I have managed to get up every morning and live life, just in a different way. I also managed to find some light back in my life, a light that I never expected, a light that was unplanned.

I successfully persuaded Jive for a second chance. They believed in me and gave me that chance to prove to them I was good for them, even with the slight predicament I had found myself in.

At first the idea of L.A. and Jive were outstanding but the reality of being so far away from the only people I had left in the world was very hard. I knew that it was something I had to do, but it didn't take away from the scared ‘I wanna go home' feeling but as each day passed that feeling diminished slowly. I learned my own strength. I learned how much I can handle and still be standing strong.

Being in this apartment, in this town without him still serves its daily challenges but I wasn't alone anymore, which served an entirely different reason why he should be here with me.

A simple task like going through the mail, wasn't always such an easy thing. Breaking down at seeing his name in black and white in my hands was something that happened more than once. You never know what could be in that pile, and you never know what it could say. Standing in this kitchen on this day I come across a crisp white envelope addressed to me in her perfect script handwriting. Something I have gotten very familiar with over the last couple years. Justin's mother was more my mother that I could ever have wished for. I talked to her more than I talk to my own mother. Sadly she was the mother I chose, and not my birth mother.

For some reason my mother believed that I was holding on to Justin as if he was still alive. She thought I should be over him by now and I should be out in the dating world, finding a new suitable husband. That was the farthest thing from what I wanted or needed right now. I guess she will never understand the level of love and respect that I had for Justin, or myself for that matter. There are times that I want to curl up in someone arms and take a nap but those arms weren't an option anymore. I would hope that one day I could move on, but that day wasn't today or in the near future. When that day came, it would.

 I sliced open the envelope, unfolding it, feeling the slight indentation of her perfect imprint of her handwriting on her beautiful stationary. Reading her words made me miss a part of home again. She always wrote with passion, explaining every detail, but closer to the end of the words I noticed a change. She kept speaking of the end, speaking about things, as if she would never see those things or those places again.

"This will be the last letter." My heart sank and I began to panic. Was she trying to tell me something? I swallowed hard, pulling the paper back up as I continued to read. "And by the time you get this, we will be on my way to California, moving van in tow. I need to have you both close to me." Tears began to stream down my face. First my brother and his wife moved here and now I was going to have Lynn. Maybe home is right here. Maybe this is what love and support is all about. Maybe this is exactly what was supposed to happen. Maybe we ended up right where fate had wanted us all along.

"Mama" his sweet angelic voice says, tugging on my shirt. A smile waved across my face. That light I was speaking of, he was looking back at me. His wild curls bouncing around as he jumps up and down, trying to get me to pick him up. His demeanor, his grace, his poise, his walk, his talk, his entire being was Justin.  I bend down to his level, picking him up, staring into his oceanic blue yes, "You remind me more of your father every day."

"Dada!" his face lights up and he points to the photo on the stand.

"Yes, Dada!" I brushed his curls down with my fingers. His eyes were as blue as I remember Justin's being. "Guess who is coming to see you?" His face lights up and the smile on his face widens, revealing his tiny little teeth. "Gamma Lynn is coming to see you..."

"Gamma?" he questioned with his shocked face.

"I bet you're excited to see her!" I glide my fingers over the bridge of his nose and down over his cheekbones, down his jaw line over the freckles that I knew so well on his father's face. He was the mini version of Justin. He looked nothing like me, acted nothing like me, and spoke nothing like me.

He took his tiny little arms, wrapping them as far as he could around me, laying his head on my heart. "I wuve you, mama." Like his father, he knew exactly what to say to melt my heart.

Reflecting now on how things could've been, it was worth it in the end.