Emily Logan

Jacob West

Justin Timberlake

Trace Ayala

Trace & Justin

Bri Taylor

Julie

We agreed nothing big. Just the two of us and whoever else absolutely had to be there to make it all official. I guess if I'm being honest it wasn't really an agreement, as much as it was him letting me get my way. He wanted a huge ordeal. Every person we've ever crossed paths with, he wanted to be there. He wanted trumpets and doves, and thousands of dollars worth of candles and flowers. I wanted none of it. And he let me have it my way. He always did.

I slipped on my shoes and stepped on the freshly cutgrass. This was something I'll always remember about this day. He loved the smell of grass, and I'd always be the first one to make fun of him for it. It was only right that the grass was cut today. I walked the short distance down to him, and then stood in silence taking in my surroundings. It was a little overcast, but the sun was peaking through the clouds making shadows on the ground underneath the trees. Every now and then you could hear a leaf crunch as the birds and squirrels made there way across them, and the soft breeze was blowing my veil just enough to make it look like it was all planned.

I held onto him. He felt different today, cold almost, but I chalked it up to it being the cool October air. I said my vows loud and proud. Making sure to pronounce everything correctly and not skip over anything. The smile on my face was so big it almost hurt. My dream of marrying this perfect man was finally coming true. We've been together for seven years. We've made it through college together, we've made it through deaths together, and we've made it through life together. There is no other person out there for me. Jacob was made for me. When we'd hold hands our fingers would fit perfectly in between each other's, and my arms wrapped around his body perfectly. I'd fall asleep listening to his heartbeat, and it was almost as if his heart was saying my name over and over again. Today was the day I'd been waiting for my entire life, and as I stood across from him waiting for him to repeat after the minister my heart was breaking every second that passed when nothing came out of his mouth.

"Say something," I finally managed to say though it came out as a stuttering jumbled mess.

He just looked at me. His mouth staying straight and not moving. My legs began to shake and suddenly the 2-inch heels on my shoes were becoming too much for me to handle. I began to scream for him to say something...anything, but he just stood there silent. My legs were about to give out and my heart was shattering into a million little pieces when he let go of my hands and I fell back. I expected to hit my head off the ground; I almost wanted to hit my head off the ground so hard that I'd die, but I landed softly against something that almost felt like another body. Suddenly I felt my own body being placed gently on the ground, and my back was up against cold stone.

"I knew I'd find you here," said a voice that was not Jake's.

I opened my eyes to find my worst nightmare coming true. I'd convinced myself this morning that it was just a dream. When I woke up and looked outside to see the most perfect day imaginable I knew that it was too amazing to be true. I was so worried last night that my mind wondered to the worst possible scenario, but it was just a dream I kept telling myself as I got ready. Today's the start of the rest of your life, I'd said aloud as I slipped on my wedding dress and reached to the back of myself to zip it up. Today's the day you've been dreaming of...today is your day." I smiled to myself in the mirror after putting the finishing touches on my makeup, knowing damn well that it was just a really bad nightmare.

I wish it were just a really bad nightmare.

***

My life was far from perfect. My parents were murdered when I was three years old, and I was sent from Florida to Tennessee to live with my mother's best friend and her family since all of my grandparents had past away before I was born and both of my parents were the only children. I'm not saying it was easy to lose my parents, but I feel almost grateful for the fact that it happened at an age so young that I don't even really remember it happening. Every now and then I'll remember things that we use to do and I'll get sad but that's not very often. I always wonder what it would have been like to grow up with them, to have someone to call Mom and Dad, but since that never really happened for me I guess it's something that's really hard to miss.

I managed to inherit an annoying brother out of the deal, and as much as I hate him half the time if it weren't for him I don't know how I'd have gotten through life thus far. We're the same age, so growing up we'd often get asked if we were twins and after trying to explain our situation a few times we just started to say we were. We fought constantly and we hated each other's friends, but in a way we were best friends. We acted like any other brother and sister would, but I think we had some sort of special bond because of our unique situation. When it was time to decide what to do for college, I made the decision to go the University of Memphis while Trace decided to be a bum and follow his best friend around the world while he toured with his stupid boy band, and later as a solo artist. It was weird to be without Trace for months at a time, but somehow we managed to grow closer.

As much as we fought, and as much as we tried to annoy one another, I always looked up to Trace and wanted his approval. It's a strange thing to want from someone that's the same age as you, not to mention a few inches shorter then me, but he was the only one that made me feel like I belonged in Tennessee even without the strong southern accent when I first moved there and I wanted to make him proud of me. I introduced my brother to Jake during Christmas break of my freshman year of college, and I knew right then and there that Jake and I would some day be married. Trace never, and I mean NEVER liked any of my previous boyfriends and those two hit it off like they'd been best friends since birth. I always thought that Jake stuck around because he wasn't tormented by my brother and his stupid friends like my other boyfriends had been, but when he proposed to me 5 years later I realized he actually stuck around because he loved me.

We decided to wait to get married until we both had stable jobs and we were able to afford a home together. That all happened a lot faster then we thought it would. Two years later we moved into a brand new house that we had built in Shelby Forest, and we were both working our 9-5's.

My brother's best friend Justin was Hollywood royalty, but to me he was an annoying, cocky, asshole whose only mission in life was to piss me off. Justin was at our house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week when we were growing up and I don't think there was one day that he didn't make me cry as a kid. We clashed, we always have, and we always will. But when he offered me my dream job as the President of his record label I couldn't turn it down. I'm not sure why he did it since I don't live in LA and would be micromanaging from across the country, not to mention the fact that we hate each other, but I'm assuming he owed Trace a big favor or something and this is how he was going to repay him. I'd imagine Trace had to cover for him time and time again over the years, and at one point threatened Justin and this was the only way he'd keep his mouth shut. I was damn good at my job though, so it was nice to prove to Justin and my family that I wasn't just the bratty sister anymore, and the better job I did the less I had to talk to Justin so it made me strive to do that much more.

Two weeks before the wedding Trace and Justin came back home to Tennessee from their swanky new multi-million dollar mansion that Justin had just built in LA. I'm not entirely sure why Justin followed Trace home because he wasn't invited to the wedding, in fact no one even knew about the wedding besides Trace who was our only witness, but he did nonetheless. It was the first time my brother got to see my new house and I was excited to show him everything that I'd accomplished while he was off traveling the world and tending to Justin's every need. After showing them the house, Jake had to run off to a consultation for a house he was remodeling.

"I won't be late," he said to me placing his soft lips on my forehead.

"Call when you're on your way back," I replied returning his kiss, this time on his lips.

"I will. Bye guys," he said with a wave to the two men now sitting on the couch in the living room playing video games, "Love you Emmy."

"I love you too."

***

"I knew I'd find you here."

I looked down at the ground to the fresh dirt below me and the flowers on either side of me. I wanted to cry but there were no tears left in me since I haven't stopped crying for the past two weeks. "What all of a sudden makes you an expert on my whereabouts?"

"I'm not an idiot Emmy-"

"Don't call me that," I said sternly shuttering at the nickname Jake had given to me so many years ago.

"I'm not an idiot Emily. Today's your wedding day."

My head shot up and I looked at him with disgust in my eyes, "How do you know that?"

"Trace is my best friend. We live together, do you really think it would get by me?"

"Go home Justin. Just...Just go home and leave me alone."

"Everyone's looking for you," he replied ignoring what I had said.

"Let them look, I don't really give a shit." I picked up a pinch of dirt and rolled it between my pointer finger and my thumb.

"Em you have to talk to someone about this."

"Why would I ever choose to talk to you Justin? Since when have you ever even cared about me? Why are you doing this to me? Why won't you just let me do what I need to do? Why? Just fucking tell me why!" I screamed looking up at him, and he was looking straight ahead at the tree that was in front of us. I noticed that his eyes were beginning to water and I could feel mine start to as well.

"I wish I knew why," he answered a few seconds later in almost a whisper, "I wish I could tell you why."

"This isn't even real. This is just a dream...a really bad dream," I said trying to convince myself that that was the truth.

"It's not a dream Em..." he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I found myself falling into him and wrapping my arms around his waist, "it's not a dream."

I let the tears fall as I sat on the ground in my wedding dress that was slowly but surely beginning to fill with dirt as the wind blew. The ring on my left ring finger was sparkling under the sun and I brought my hand up to my mouth and kissed it. Justin held me tighter and placed a kiss on the top of my head. It wasn't comforting, and it didn't stop the tears. It was foreign and felt all wrong. What was happening? Why was this happening? What had I done?

"Let's get you home Em," he said taking his arm off of my shoulders. He stood up and held his hand out for me to take. I stayed on the ground and shook my head at him. I wasn't going anywhere. It was my wedding day and I was going to spend it with my husband. "Fine...but I'm staying with you."

He sat back down next to me and folded his hands in his lap resting his head against the stone behind us. I don't know why he was being so nice to me. I don't know why he even cared, but having him there with me today somehow made it easier to bear. We stayed there for hours not saying anything to one another, and once the sun went down and the cool breeze turned into a cold night we both looked at each other and stood up. He went directly to his car and I stood looking at Jake's grave. Jacob Michael West 1982-2007 Loving Son, Brother & Friend. Forever in our Hearts.

"I love you Jake. I'll never stop loving you," I said with tears filling my eyes once more before I turned around and walked towards Justin's car. He was standing there holding the passenger door open for me and I sat down without even looking at him. He closed the door behind me and sat down behind the wheel of his Audi.

"I'll take you home," he said softly after putting the key in the ignition.

"I don't have a home."

"I'll take you to your parents house then."

"I don't have parents, they died when I was three in case you had forgotten," I replied looking forward as the car started moving forward away from my love of my life.

"Emily-"

"I had guardians. Then I turned 18 and I was on my own."

"You don't mean that..."

"I don't know what I mean anymore."

We drove for 20 minutes. We drove down the roads that I went down everyday. We passed the general store, and we even went by the house that I use to call home. The car came to a stop in front of Justin's house. He pulled into the driveway and turned the car off before coming around to my side and opening my door. He held his hand out for me for the second time today and I again refused to take it. I got out of his car and followed him into the house and over to the one guest bedroom on the ground floor. He pulled the covers back on the bed and I got in leaving my now dirty wedding dress on.

I wish this were a nightmare.

"Emily the phone's for you," I heard Trace yell from the couch downstairs. He and Justin were really overstaying there welcome. They hadn't moved there asses off of the couch since Jake left for work five hours ago, and hearing them scream at each other and the television was really putting a damper on what was suppose to be a relaxing night of my brother and I catching up.

"Take a message," I yelled from the bathroom door, "I'm getting in the shower." At that I heard Justin whistle and I added, "Shut up you perverted freak of nature. What the fuck are you even doing in my house?" I heard him yell something back but didn't pay any attention to it, instead I turned the radio on really loud and stepped into the shower letting the hot water hit me from all angles. I was dancing in my new spacious state of the art shower when I heard someone knock on the door a few seconds later. "Leave me alone you-"

"Em," I heard Trace say out of breath, "You need to take this..." I popped my head out from behind the shower curtain and saw a look of utter fear on Trace's face. I grabbed a towel off of the rack next to me and wiped my hands looking at him with questioning eyes. "It's the hospital." I started shaking, and I'm sure the color drained from my face as I snatched the phone out of his hand and put it up to my ear.

"He...Hello?" I said deathly afraid of what I'd hear come from the other end of the phone. Trace stayed put right in front of me, staring waiting for answers. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Justin standing at the door, normally I would scream at him to get away from me especially since I was in the shower, but I couldn't even find my voice at that point.

"Emily Logan?"

"Yes this is she...what's wrong?"

"We have Jacob West here, you are his emergency contact. He was hit by a car a couple of hours ago-"

"He's alive right? Tell me he's alive," I cut her off the minute I knew he was seriously hurt. He had to be alive; we were getting married in two weeks. We just bought a house; things were finally going our way, "Please tell me he's alive."

"Miss Logan he's in surgery right now, things are not looking very good. We'd suggest you come down to the hospital-"

I hung up on her. I hung up the phone and threw it at Trace as I started wrapping the towel around my body and getting out of the shower. I didn't say anything as I barged through Justin standing in the doorway and I don't think I've ever gotten dressed so quickly before in my life. We'd suggest you come down to the hospital. What does that even mean? Why don't you be a little more vague about it? He's alive and in surgery why does she have to make it seem like he's going to die? He would never leave me, not now.

I couldn't think straight. Her last sentence just kept running through my head over and over again. After a few minutes the questions started popping up too. How could I have not noticed that he was gone for so long? I should have known something was wrong when the house phone rang...no one ever calls the house phone. Did I tell him that I loved him before he left? Does he know that he's the only one for me? Was he alone when he got hit? Is he scared?

I ran around the house frantically looking for my purse with my keys in it. No one asked me any questions, they both just trailed behind me knowing that something was terribly wrong. They could have been talking, but I wouldn't have known because the minute I heard that woman say it wasn't looking good I went deaf, I lost all of my senses. Finally I felt Trace pull my arm back and he handed me my purse but not before taking the keys out of it. He was right in assuming I probably shouldn't be driving right now. Not in the state I was in. I sat down in the passenger's seat of my own car looking straight ahead until we parked at Baptist Memorial Hospital in Memphis. Justin and Trace said not one word to me, but they knew, they had to know.

Before Trace even put the car in park my door was open and I ran into the hospitals Emergency Room searching like a crazy person for someone to talk to. I spotted a nurse behind the desk helping someone else and I ran right over in front of the patient standing in front of her, "Jacob West," was all I could get out.

"Miss you're going to have to wait in line," she replied pointing to the line of 5 people standing in front of her that I had just cut off.

"Just tell me where he is!"

"Miss-"

"TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK HE IS!!" I felt a hand on my arm pull me back and I turned around and found Trace standing there pulling me away from the counter. He sat me down in a chair in the waiting room and I immediately stood back up, which forced him to literally push my shoulders down and hold me there. It was only then that I noticed tears filling his eyes. I looked to my left and Justin was sitting there with his face in his hand, and I saw behind Trace stood a tall lanky doctor.

"Em," Trace started to say before I saw a tear slide down his face. I knew what he was going to say but I didn't want to hear it so I just started shaking my head. This wasn't happening. This wasn't real life.

"No," I said looking at the doctor behind Trace, "No," I said again pushing Trace off of me and getting in the doctors face. "You will go back there...and you will fix him RIGHT NOW!" I was using my finger to pound his chest, "You are a doctor and you can fix him...GO FIX HIM!"

He placed his hands on my shoulder and looked at me dead in the eye like nothing was wrong. Like the words that were about to come out of his mouth meant nothing. This was just another day for him. He'd go home to his wife and kids tonight and forget all about me, forget all about Jake like we never even existed. "I'm sorry," he said with absolutely no sincerity in his voice at all, and with that he patted me on the back, turned around and walked away.

I stood there motionless. It was like someone took a vacuum and sucked the life out of me. I no longer had a reason to live. Jake was gone. Jake was gone and there was nothing I could do to get him back. "I'm sorry" I could hear him saying it over and over again as the tears started falling down my face. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say or what my next move was supposed to be. All I knew was that I needed to go see Jake, and I needed to feel his arms wrap around me and his lips on mine. I needed to go lay next to him and put my head on his chest to hear his heartbeat. I needed Jake, and he was gone.

I felt someone put their hand on my arm from behind and I turned around and slapped him in the face. I slapped my own brother, the person that's been there through it all with me. I slapped him and then let out the loudest scream of my life before I started sobbing uncontrollably. Justin grabbed both of my wrists and pulled me close to him and I tried fighting him off. I didn't want him to touch me; I didn't want him near me. The only person I wanted near me was Jake.

"Emily stop it," he said to me sternly holding onto my wrists tighter, "stop fighting it." I attempted to kick him but he managed to back away without letting go of me. I looked to my right and saw everyone in the waiting room staring at me and I wanted to go up to each and every one of them and punch them. With one last attempt I tried to get out of Justin's firm grip on me and failed. My knees were beginning to shake and I was about to lose all sense of control. I stopped fighting with Justin and let him pull me close to him. My head landed on his chest and one of his arms wrapped around my back and his other hand held my head close to him. He walked backwards with me in his arms and sat down on the couch, making me sit down next to him by default, and I cried and screamed in his arms for hours.

Jake was gone. Life as I knew it was over.

***

I opened my eyes and looked over at the clock on the nightstand. 10am. Next to the clock I noticed a bowl of fruit, a cup of juice and the latest issue of Rolling Stone Magazine. I pushed the plush white comforter back to see that I was still in my dress and shoes, and my mood that was slightly better then the one I was in yesterday went back to sour almost immediately.

It's been two weeks since Jake had died. We didn't have too much information on the accident; just that he was crossing the street to get something out of his truck and was struck by a fast moving car whose driver didn't even have the decency to stop after he hit him. There's a huge investigation going on and it's all over the news which is one of the reasons why I haven't turned the TV on since it happened.

The wake and funeral were gut wrenching. People kept coming up to me and saying they were sorry and asking if there was anything they could do to help. You can help by bringing Jake back, I'd wanted to say time and time again, but instead I just shook my head and thanked them for coming. It all felt like an outer body experience, like none of it was actually happening. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that Jake was gone, I still can't really wrap my head around it. It all really makes you look at your life and question every move you made leading up to that day.

No one really knew what to do with me. I didn't really speak much, and when I did they were all one word answers. Strangely enough I didn't spend most of my days crying. Instead I locked myself in my house, turned my phone off and didn't answer the doorbell that was ringing non-stop, and spaced out for most of the day on the couch trying to figure out what was going to happen to my life now. I didn't do a stitch of work since I left the hospital that day and for the first time ever I was grateful that Justin was my boss because that was the only reason I was getting away with being MIA for so long.

Speaking of Justin, I don't really know what's come over him to start treating me the way he has been. I hate to say this because if he ever knew this is how I felt it would go straight to his head and he'd use it against me for the rest of his life, but he's really been the only one that's been able to comfort me. I feel like everyone has been in my face trying to get me to talk to them, or trying to get me to show them some sort of emotion that I wasn't able to feel yet. It's not there fault that it's not comforting, and I know they're just trying to help but it was driving me crazy. But Justin...Justin just let me do what I had to do, and was somehow always there when I needed someone with me. He wasn't forcing me to talk to him, but let me know that if I wanted to he was there to listen. We didn't say much to each other, but just having someone there with me letting me grieve in a way that I wanted to helped in more ways then one.

I reached for the bowl of fruit just as I heard Justin outside the door talking to someone on the phone. I could only assume it was a member of my family since the tone of his voice wasn't as pleasant as it would be if he weren't so comfortable with them, "She's fine...Look she doesn't want to talk to anyone okay? Just give her some time...It's under control...I'll tell her you called...I promise I'll keep you posted...Bye." I heard him let out a sigh before he knocked lightly on the door. He didn't wait for a response to open it, but he poked his head inside with his hand covering his eyes probably to avoid me screaming at him, "Are you decent?"

"No I'm naked," I lied just to see how he'd respond, and when he backed away and started closing the door I knew that he had a few screws loose in his head. Normally if I said something like that he'd come running in and try to catch me in a pickle, but this time he was actually acting like a civilized human being. Was that even possible for him to do? "I'm just kidding," I said right before the door clicked closed. He walked in rolling a suitcase behind him and sat down on the very end of the bed.

"I went to your house and got some clothes for you...I figured you wouldn't want to stay in that forever," he said pointing at my outfit.

"It's not my house," I said flatly while throwing a grape in my mouth, "but thanks."

"Your parents called to check on you. I know that you said you don't have-"

"I didn't mean that," I cut him off. "I didn't mean half of what I said yesterday."

"I know." I looked up at him and noticed that he was looking down at his hands. This was something neither one of us was use to. I don't think I've ever had a serious conversation with Justin in the 22 years that I've known him. All we do is throw one liners at each other until one of us gets so mad we leave. He stood up after I didn't say anything and walked over to the door, "I've got meetings for most of the day. You know where everything is so..."

He turned the knob on the door and started walking out without any reply from me. I wasn't really sure what to say. To be honest I wanted to ask him why he was being so nice to me. I know that my fiancé just died, but normally even something like that wouldn't turn asshole Justin into someone like this. People see him on TV and they fall in love with Justin Timberlake, so it's often hard for people to believe he's not really that person in real life. However, the way he was acting right now is the way that people would expect him to act if he was that person. "Justin," I said calling him back. He turned around and stood halfway down the hall, "Thank you..."

"Call Trace, let him know you're still alive," was his response.

"I will..."

It's been three months since I've managed to become a permanent houseguest at Justin's. He took me there after that day at the cemetery and I haven't left since. He hasn't asked me when I'm going to go back home, or how much longer I'm going to be shacking up at his place, he just kind of lets me be. About a month after I set up shop in his guestroom Justin had to go back out and finish up his tour, but this time Trace stayed back in Tennessee because apparently they both felt like I needed a babysitter. I managed to move from my bedroom to the living room every morning, and Trace and I would watch old reruns of Boy Meets World, and The Nanny before catching up on our daytime talk shows. We'd talk all day but Jake was never a topic of conversation.

Justin came home a week before Christmas after he wrapped his tour and things felt somewhat normal. Living in a house with my brother and his best friend somehow turned into something that made me feel safe. I was unable to step foot out of the house for fear of the unknown. Would I be able to go on with everyday life without Jake here? I no longer knew what it was like without him since we had been together for so long. I also didn't want people coming up to me and apologizing, or looking at me with pity in their eyes. Those were just things that I couldn't handle right now.

Without even being asked Justin offered to host Christmas at his house this year, probably because he, and everyone else knew that I wouldn't be leaving to go celebrate anywhere else. Not that I'd be celebrating here, but I was beginning to realize that people were getting really upset and worried about my state of mind, so it would be nice to let them know that I don't actually belong in a mental institution. When the day arrived, people came into the house not really knowing what to expect from me. I tried really hard to plaster a smile on my face for the whole day, and for the most part that worked, but when I turned around after dessert and saw my brother kissing his girlfriend under the mistletoe I could feel myself about to lose it. I excused myself from the table making sure I didn't make eye contact with anyone and proceeded directly to my room. I laid down on the bed, curled up in a ball and held my extra pillow close to my chest willing myself not to cry.

Not too long after I heard the door squeak open and a weight settle down on the bottom of my king size bed. "Want me to kill Trace?"

"It's not his fault," I said stuffing my face in the pillow, "I thought I was ready, but I guess not."

"There is one thing I know for a fact. I learned it at a very young age and it's stuck with me my entire life..."

I took my head out of the pillow and looked up at Justin furrowing my brows at him, "Are you going to tell me or did you just come in here to hang something over my head?"

A crooked smile formed on his face, and he let out a small chuckled before he turned around to look at me. "It's always Trace's fault."

I couldn't help but let out a little laugh, "Where were you when I was ten and getting grounded every 5 minutes?"

"Let's see when I was ten I was on this show, I'm not sure if you've heard of it, called the Mickey Mouse Club."

"Oh right...I forgot about that stupid little show. That's the one where all the confused boys and girls rub up against each other to figure out which gender they like the best, while singing and dancing and pretending to have talent right?"

"That's the one."

"So just to clarify, was that before or after you decided to jump around on stage like a caged animal with four other guys humping you from behind for seven years?"

"I believe that was before the dry humping," he replied with a pensive look on his face, "Yes, definitely before the dry humping."

Somehow I managed to let out a loud laugh straight from my gut and soon Justin had joined in with me. For the first time in three months I threw a dig at him, and we were somehow going back to the old Emily and Justin, except this time neither one of us wanted to kill each other. I sat up on the bed putting the pillow I was cuddling behind my head, "He proposed to me on Christmas," I said looking down at the ring that still sat on my left hand.

Justin got off of the bed and moved from the foot of the bed to the top and sat down next to me folding his hands in his lap. "How'd he do it?"

I closed my eyes and pictured the scene in my head. "He woke me up really early and it took everything in me to not punch him in the gut. Christmas was his favorite holiday, and he was like a kid when it came to opening presents at the ass crack of dawn. It took me a few minutes to actually function, and when I brought my hands up to my face to get all the little crusties out of my eyes my hand felt heavy. Needless to say it didn't take me quite as long to wake up as it usually does. He told me how much he loved me, and told me he couldn't live without me, and then asked me to be his wife." I smiled as I remembered the butterflies that were in my stomach and just pure happiness that came over me when I said yes. "It was a feeling that I can't even describe to you. To know that this person that you love with every piece of you loves you that much back, it's the greatest feeling you can ever experience...Nothing is ever perfect, but in that moment it feels like nothing could ever go wrong again."

I opened my eyes and reality set in again. That happiness, that feeling of perfection, it was all taken away and I was suddenly overcome with utter sadness and could no longer hold the tears that were fighting to come out all day back. Justin unfolded his hands and put one of them on top of mine as I laid my head on his shoulder. He tilted his head so that his cheek was resting on the top of my head and squeezed my hand. "When is this pain going to go away?" I asked him.

"I don't know Em. It may never go away, but I hear it will get easier to deal with as time goes on."

"It's like someone ripped my chest open and took my heart out, but somehow I've managed to stay alive. I don't want to feel like this anymore...I just want him back so that I can feel whole again."

"He's not coming back," he said matter of factly and I gasped as the statement almost took my breath away. "I know that's hard to hear, and you can hate me all you want for saying it, but he's not coming back Emily. You can grieve, and you can yell and scream and get angry at whoever you want to get angry at, but that won't bring him back. I'm not telling you to move on and pretend like he never existed, but you need to quit acting like he's going to magically appear in front of you because it's not going to happen."

"You don't know that," I said angrily pushing him away from me, "You have no right...no right Justin."

"I do know that! And so do you. He's dead Emily...he's gone--"

"SHUT UP!"

"He is gone. He's not coming back, and I have every right..."

"No you don't!"

"I DO!" He screamed holding my shoulders, "You've been living in my house for three fucking months. I've watched you walk around with a blank stare on your face passing me in the hall and not even knowing you went by me, and I've heard you screaming in the middle of the night every night when you have nightmares.  You haven't talked about him since he's died until today. It's all bottled up inside of you, and you don't want to let it out because you're afraid if you do it will all be real. Well guess what...it is real, and it's time to deal with it."

"I have been dealing with it," I replied with my teeth clenched and my fists ready to attack him, "I've been dealing with it every fucking day. You have no clue what this is like, you have no--"

"You're right," he interrupted me, "I have no clue what this is like. I've never lost someone that I've loved with every piece of me...I've also never loved someone with every piece of me. But what I do know is you can't do this forever. I can't let you do this forever, and I know how strong you are. I know that you can get through this Emmy--"

"I told you not to fucking call me that...don't fucking call me that," I said punching him in the stomach.

He grabbed my wrists the same way he did at the hospital to prevent me from punching him any further and he looked me dead in the eyes, "You can do this, I know for a fact that you can..."

"How do you know?"

"I know because I'm going to help you."

Most people would take that last statement and be appreciative of the person that said it, but not me. I don't know if I got angry because of the state I was in or if hearing him say that just made me angry in general, "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" He said releasing my wrists when he realized I wasn't on a rampage any longer.

"Why are you being nice to me? Why do you want to help me? You've hated me my entire life, we've done nothing but fight since I was three years old and now all of a sudden you're acting like my best friend."

"I never hated you Em. You're my best friends little sister, it was my job to pick on you. Just like it's my job to care about you and take care of you when you need me."

"I'm not his little sister...we're the same age," I responded not really knowing what else to say as I wasn't expecting that to be is answer.

"Okay I'm sorry, but that's not the point."

"Then why is it always awkward with us? We've barley even talked until today."

"I didn't think you wanted to talk, but I knew you would when you were ready. And I know that you knew I would be here to listen when you were. If I hated you, there's no way you would have been living in my house for the past three months."

I leaned back on the pillow behind me again realizing that he was right. We never really hated each other we just picked on each other every moment of everyday we were together. "I don't think I'm ready," I finally said a few minutes later.

"I think you're ready."

"I just feel like if I move on, I'll lose him forever and he'll think that I don't love him anymore."

"You know he'll always be with you, and he knows how much you love him. I'm not saying go find a man and get married tomorrow, I'm just telling you to leave this house and breathe in some outside air. Figure out a way to deal with it while still being productive. Baby steps."

"Are you kicking me out?" I asked fearing his answer was going to be yes.

"I'm not kicking you Em. I haven't eaten this good since I moved out of my Mama's house...But I am giving you you're Blackberry back and after the New Year I am going to make you start working again."

"I guess that's fair," I replied looking up at the door that now had some commotion on the other side of it.

"You guess that's fair? I don't know how to run a company Emily. Everyone is lost without you."

"Does that mean I'm getting a raise?" I looked up at him with my eyebrows raised.

"Nice try, I'm not that nice."

"Eh, it was worth a shot," I said smiling.

Justin got up off the bed and held out his hand for me, "Let's go open presents."

"You can go open presents...I'm staying here."

"Baby steps Em," he said giving me a sideways glance.

I let out a breath and took his hand allowing him to help me off the bed, and as I stood up he wrapped his arms around me giving me a hug, and it was at that point that I decided to turn over a new leaf. I was going to get the help I needed and attempt to overcome the biggest obstacle of my life, with the help of the one person in the world that I'd never in my life imagined would be there for me. I backed out of our hug, and Justin put his arm out for me to take, and we walked arm in arm towards the door. He reached to turn the handle and I yelled for him to wait. "Is the offer still on the table for you to kill Trace?"

"Sure is," he said with a laugh.

"Can you get on that?"

"It would be my pleasure my lady."

I was woken up promptly at 7:00am on December 26th to Justin jumping on my bed like a 3 year old. I proceeded to throw pillows at him to make him stop until I had nothing left to throw and I was lying completely flat on the bed. I pulled the covers over my head in hopes he would get the point that I don't want anything to do with him, but when he started singing the good morning song as loud and as out of tone as he possibly could I realized he wasn't going to give up. "I'm naked," I lied from underneath the covers in hopes that he'd react the same way he did the last time I told him I was naked.

It was at that time that he plopped himself down on the bed and proceeded to attempt to get the covers off of me. I tried kicking him in his balls but it was kind of hard to do in the dark and with him sitting on top of me. I was pretty confident that I had the situation under control by holding onto the covers for dear life until he started playing dirty, doing the one thing he knew would get me to surrender. I thought I was in the clear when he stopped pulling on the covers and I felt him get off of me, but then as if in lightning speed his hands attacked my sides and he started tickling me. He somehow managed to get under my armpits and I lost all control of the situation. I flung the covers off of me and attempted to fight back but failed miserably because I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. I was finally able to put my hands up to surrender, and luckily the bastard accepted and stopped attacking me. About five minutes later I was able to catch my breath and my sides stopped hurting so I proceeded to slap him as hard as I could on his bare chest.

"What the fuck was that for?" he asked scrunching up his nose and rubbing the big red hand mark on his chest.

"For being a huge asshole. You know I hate when people tickle me."

"You're so fucking violent."

"I'll take that as a compliment," I laughed.

"It wasn't meant as one...that really hurt!"

"That really hurt Mommy," I said mocking him.

"God you are a huge bitch!"

"That's one I've never heard before...Are you going to get off of me or do I have to slap you again?"

"Touch me again and see what happens..."

I raised my hand and slanted my eyes at him, "Don't think I won't Timberlake. I'm not afraid of you."

"Alright, alright," he replied getting off of me and sitting as far away as possible on the bed. "You're not even naked."

"Sorry to disappoint." I looked over and he was still rubbing his chest like a little baby, so I glared at him until he made eye contact with me and stopped. "What could possibly be so important that you had to wake me up at 7am?"

"Here," he said throwing a blackberry at my head. Luckily I played baseball as a child because I was able to throw my hands up fast enough to catch it before it caused brain damage. I looked at it in my hands and ran my fingers over the buttons before throwing it back at him, nicely, and not square in the head. He let it fall in his lap and looked up at me with a face that I think he meant to be angry but in reality just made him look challenged. "This thing is your baby."

"Correction...that thing use to be my baby."

"Well that's good news because..." he reached over to the nightstand and turned back around to look at me with a huge goofy smile on his face. I looked at him square in the eye, bored out of my mind. "I come baring gifts."

"Christmas is over Justin."

"You my fine furry friend are right, however I didn't give you my present yet." He pulled his hand out from the drawer and handed me a square package wrapped like a hot mess in yesterday's newspaper. I unwrapped the "gift" and immediately threw it back at him. "What the fuck? Do you throw everyone's gifts back at them?"

"That's not a gift...that's you telling me to go back to work."

"It is not!"

"It is too! Did you get everyone on your Christmas list an IPhone this year?"

"Well I mean...no. But I did get one for Trace!"

"He's your personal assistant, and I'm the President of your company. Let me see, what two things are the same here. Oh pick me pick me Mr. Trebeck pick me!" I said jumping up and down and raising my hand. "The correct answer is...What is WE BOTH FUCKING WORK FOR YOU!"

"Oh come on Em!" He said getting up off the bed, "I'm trying to make this easier but you're not letting me. You need to face the facts, you have to go back to work."

"Who said I wasn't facing the facts?"

"You did when you threw not only the blackberry, but the IPhone back at me."

"You said after the New Year Justin...last time I checked the New Year is January 1st. It's December 26th, and I'm pretty sure I learned in Kindergarten that January comes AFTER December."

"You think you're just so smart."

"No, maybe I just think you're so stupid."

"LOOK!" he yelled throwing his hands up to make me shut up, "I'm not telling you to get back to work, I'm just giving you a phone so that maybe you could call the 800 million people that you've been ignoring the past three months and let them know that you're still a fully functioning human being. Because last time I checked they're no longer believing a word I tell them because they haven't actually heard you're voice or seen your face for 90 days. Don't take the IPhone I don't really give a shit, but take some phone and start to get your life back on track Emily."

"Easy for you to say..."

"You know what, you're right. It is easy for me to say because my fiancée didn't die, and I'm not going through the pain that you are, but it's not going to get any easier for you if you just sit here and mope around forever. So just please...take a fucking phone," he said now really angry, holding out the blackberry and IPhone for me to choose.

I looked up at him and realized what started off as us jokingly sending shots back and forth at each other turned into a full blown fight where both of us in some way has managed to get their feelings hurt. Granted I'd say 90% of it was my fault since I was the one who agreed yesterday to take baby steps in dealing with the situation and now not even 12 hours later I was getting on his case for making me actually do it. I reached out and took the case with the IPhone out of his hand, feeling really bad about how I reacted but not really wanting to say sorry. He immediately threw the Blackberry in the trash and turned around to walk away. Logically I knew I had to say something or else we were going to go back to square one and hate each other again and that was the last thing I wanted right now so I swallowed my pride and whispered, "Thank you," so softly I wasn't even sure if he could hear me.

He turned around right before he hit the door with softened eyes, "Call people Emily. It's the only way it's going to get better," and with that he opened the door and walked out.

***

These words have been coming out of my mouth all to often lately, and it pains me every time I say it, but Justin was right...again. After I made my first phone call it was like a light bulb went off in my head and suddenly weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was convinced that the minute I started talking to my friends and family again all they'd want to talk about was how I was feeling or if there were any new developments in the investigation of Jake's death. Surprisingly though, once they got over the fact that I've managed to come out of my cave, our conversations didn't focus on any of that, and within two hours I had made plans to go out to dinner with a couple of my friends.

New Year's Eve rolled around and I was in the kitchen baking a pie when Trace came in and looked at me like I had 50 heads as I mixed the sugar and the apples with one hand, and wrote an E-Mail to my assistant with the other. "What?" I asked chewing a piece of apple not looking up from my E-Mail.

"What are you doing?"

"Giving birth...what does it look like I'm doing?"

"It looks like you're making a pie, and...are my eyes deceiving me or are you really working right now?"

"Good observation almighty short one. Thank you for letting me know who has the brains in the family," I said rolling my eyes at him.

"Who are you and what have you done with my sister?" he asked pinching my arm.

"Oww! What the fuck Trace!" I said slapping his hand with the mixing spoon, "Go be a lawn gnome somewhere and leave me alone."

"JUSTIN!" Trace screamed in the direction of the living room, "What did you do?"

Within seconds Justin was standing at the breakfast bar chomping on a toothpick that was sticking out of his mouth and looking down at his phone not even acknowledging either one of us, "What'd I do?" he asked.

"What did you do to her?" Trace pointed in my direction and Justin looked up at me before shrugging his shoulders at Trace and looking back down at his phone. "That's it? You're just going to shrug your shoulders and act like nothing is wrong?"

"I'm sorry I didn't realize something was wrong shorty...What's the problem?"

"She's...she's cooking and...working and...she has makeup on..."

"I'm sorry I think I'm missing something here," Justin replied, "Em are you coming out tonight?"

"I'll be ready at 9," I said pouring the apple's into the pie pan."

"What the fuck is going on here?" Trace said throwing his hands up in the air, and Justin and I just laughed at him before Justin went back into the living room and I put the pie in the oven and retreated to my bedroom.

Soon after my first night out I realized that it was a million times easier to deal with the situation I was in by just doing things to keep my mind off of it. I went out with my friends, avoiding places Jake and I use to frequent, and started back up doing some work. I wouldn't say I'm back into it full force, but it's taking up enough of my day that I'm not longer sitting in my bedroom and sulking. It felt good to be in control of my life again, not to mention be in control of my employees who I've heard have been having all too much fun since Justin has been my stand in.

Since Justin is paparazzi free when he comes home to Tennessee, we all made plans to go out to some dive bar in Memphis tonight to ring in the New Year. This was going to be a bit of a challenge for me, seeing as though I'd be standing alone at midnight with no one to kiss, and the memory of last New Year's will be ringing over and over in my head. However, Justin's voice kept ringing in my ears time and time again, Baby steps Em...Baby steps. This was a step that I had to take, and an obstacle I had to overcome in order to help me grieve and heal. It wasn't going to be easy, but neither was going back to work. It was just something that had to be done.

I was putting on the finishing touches of my makeup and tying the belt around my now very loose dress a little bit tighter when Justin walked into the bathroom, "You sure you're up for this Em?"

"You're the one that keeps telling me baby steps Justin, don't talk me out of it now," I replied looking at him through the mirror.

"This is more like a toddler step though..."

"Oh can I be in my terrible 2 stage?"

"Emily..."

"Why are you being so serious Justin? I figured you'd be happy I was coming."

"I just. I don't know."

"Last week we fought because I wasn't doing anything with my life, and now that I am you want to fight with me about that too?"

"I don't want to fight with you, it's just a big step and I don't know if you're ready for it yet."

"Well, I won't know unless I try right?" I twisted the cap to my mascara back on the base and threw it in my make up bag before turning around and facing him, "If it's too much I'll leave, I promise."

"Just let me know if you want to leave okay?"

"Pinky promise," I replied holding my pinky up for him to take with his, "Now wipe that pathetic look off your face and let's go celebrate."

***

The moment we pulled up to the bar I knew I wasn't okay, but I had set out on a mission to prove Justin wrong since he had done that to me too many times the past couple of weeks. I knew the only way I was going to get through the night was to not think about Jake, not even once, and the only way I knew how to do that was to get drunk. The minute we walked in I ordered a round of shots for everyone, and two and a half hours later I can't even tell you how many I've thrown back, but one thing is for sure... Jake is the furthest thing from my mind.

Trace was off dry humping his girlfriend on the dance floor, while Justin was on the prowl looking for prey, and I managed to strike up a riveting conversation with a nice man named Butch. His name alone should have been my first red flag, but in the state I was in I believe I told him his name was sexy. I gave him my entire life story. I should rephrase that to I gave him the whole life story of a girl named Michelle who was from New York City who was in Memphis visiting her aging grandmother and lived in a penthouse apartment with her four dogs and two housekeepers. He sat there and nodded asking me questions about how I could afford such an extravagant lifestyle and seemed pretty enthralled with the conversation. In reality he probably saw it as an opportunity to get in my pants so he just did what he thought would get him some action. I'm not really sure where I pulled my bullshit answers from but he seemed to buy into it well enough to keep ordering me drinks and I wasn't about to complain about that. Before I knew it the DJ announced that it was five minutes until the New Year and I was pretty sure that I had myself someone to kiss at midnight, especially since Butch's hand had found its way onto my thigh. That is until Justin decided to come and ruin my fun.

"Come on Em, it's time go leave," he yelled from behind me.

"Leave...Why the fuck would I leave now Justin?" I said slurring every word that came out of my mouth.

"Let's go," he said sternly grabbing onto my arm. I pulled it away from him while attempting to stand up, but landed flat on my ass instead. I looked up at a spinning Justin and wanted nothing more then to kick him in the balls and yell at him for ruining the good night that I was having, but couldn't do any of that because I couldn't even figure out where his eyes were on his face. I felt someone put my arm around there neck and lift me up onto my feet. I put my hand out and held onto the bar while trying to find Butch. One second he was right in front of me, and the next he was next to me and then after that he was behind the bar.

"Butch? Butch why do you keep moving Butch?" I asked managing to get the words out about as fast as a toddler would. When I heard no response I asked him the million-dollar question, "Let's go back to your place Butch...Whaddaya say huh?"

"Anything you want Shelly."

"Well Yippee Kiyay Partner!" I yelled reaching out for his hand, but was met with Justin grabbing onto it instead.

"Shelly actually won't be going back to your place tonight Butch, sorry about that," Justin said picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder.

"Put me down you asshat," I yelled punching him in his back, "I want to go with Butch!"

"Yeah cowboy, she wants to go with Butch. Let the little lady do what she wants," Butch said to Justin.

"I don't really think the Little Lady even knows her own name right now, but thanks for trying to take advantage of her. Happy New Year," Justin responded and started walking away. I was mad, no I was heated and with every step he took with me hanging over his shoulder I was one step closer to hurling all over the back of his pants. Right as I heard the bells on the door ringing as they closed, the 10-second countdown started. Justin threw me in the passenger's seat of his Audi and put the seatbelt on for me just as everyone screamed "HAPPY NEW YEAR."

"Well are ya gunna kiss me or what?" I asked him still pissed off that he made me leave.

"Or what," he said as a statement and immediately confused the shit out of me.

"What?"

"You said am I going to kiss you or what, and I choose or what," he said sitting down and putting the keys in the ignition.

"What?"

"Happy New Year Emily..."

"Thanks for ruining my fun JUSTIN..."

"I knew you weren't ready for this," he sighed. 

Technically I've never been hit with a ton of bricks, though it is a statement I use quite frequently. However, I'd imagine this is exactly how I would feel if I ever did in fact get hit with a ton of bricks. My head is about to explode out of my skin, and every single inch of my body is sore. Just lifting my head to see the time on the clock took about as much effort as it would take an 180lb man to push a Mac Truck two miles down the road. 9:45...or is that an 8? 8:45, no no, definitely 10:15. I threw my 50-pound head back down on the pillow and let out an extremely loud moan, closing my eyes praying sleep would come over me and I wouldn't wake up until I could function as a human being again. After about 15 minutes of attempting to toss and turn I realized that I was awake, I wasn't going back to sleep and I had to deal with this massive hangover all day.

I was lying flat on my back trying to remember the events of last night, but nothing after the car ride to the bar really came back to me. I was starting to worry that I was drugged after racking my brain for some answers for a good amount of time. I wasn't one to ever get so drunk that I don't remember what happened when I wake up the next day. In fact, I always hated the fact that I knew what I was doing in the moment but I just couldn't stop myself when I had a little bit too much to drink. I was literally a train wreck when I drank which is often the reason why I don't do it. Little things were coming to me, like the ringing of bells and something about a housekeeper, but I couldn't place where either of those things fit into my night last night. Seeing as though I was in Justin's guestroom I was pretty sure no one slipped me the date rape drug, unless of course Justin did but I highly doubt that would ever occur.

I decided that I needed to get up and get some Advil or else I was going to be bedridden for the next several days. 30 minutes after sitting up in my bed I managed to see straight enough to throw my legs over the side and attempt to stand up. However, I was a bit too ambitious too fast because that ended in me wobbling to the side, and as I attempted put my hand on the nightstand to catch my balance, I missed and fell into it instead causing everything on top of it, including a bedside lamp to fall on top of me.

"Oh fuck me," I said out loud and immediately put my hand on my head reminding myself never to speak again to avoid unnecessary throbbing pain. I threw my arms out and closed my eyes hoping that somehow I'd magically get myself up off the ground and find my way into the bathroom without needing to try so hard to focus. I laid there for a while, with the lamp on my stomach and a clock down by my leg and I'm pretty sure I fell back to sleep because when Trace came in my room and started hysterically laughing he scared the shit out of me. "Shut up you asshole...my head is pounding," I said after regaining a normal heart rate.

"JUSTIN!!!" he screamed through the open door, and I wanted to punch him in the head.

"You're in inconsiderate asshole you know that right?"

"It's one of my best qualities," he said pointing and laughing at me as Justin walked in the room holding a bowl of cereal in his hands. I saw the right side of his mouth go up before he bit his lip trying his hardest not to smile and laugh along with Trace.

"Go ahead just laugh, I know you want to..."

"Why would I laugh?" he asked shoving Captain Crunch in his mouth to stifle the chuckles that were escaping him.

"Because I'm on the floor unable to move with a lamp on top of me. But before you two go into a fit of hysterics can you pass me that trash can so that I can hurl in it?"

"Alright there Shelly, calm down," Justin said putting his bowl on the dresser. He grabbed the trash before walking over to me; taking the lamp off of my stomach and helping me sit up. "Don't hurl all over my new hardwood floors unless you plan on cleaning it up." 

I proceeded to throw up in the trash for what seemed like a good hour or so, and in the process managed to get my annoying brother out of the room since he is the king of, if you throw up I'll throw up syndrome. Justin being the gentleman that he's magically turned into stayed with me and held up my rat's nest of hair while I threw up everything besides my large intestine. Once I was done hurling he took the trashcan and I'm assuming cleaned it out in the bathroom, coming back to sit next to me a few minutes later. "You think you'll live Shelly Belly?" he asked handing me a few Advil a glass of water, and a wet facecloth.

I threw the pills in my mouth and washed them down with one big gulp, putting the glass on the floor next to me, "So are you going to tell me why you're calling me Shelly?"

"I don't know...maybe you should ask Butch."

"Who the fuck is Butch?" I asked looking at him confused, but happy I could finally see straight.

"Who is Butch...That is a good question."

"One that you might answer?"

"You don't remember anything about last night do you?" I shook my head looking down into my lap. It wasn't something I was proud of already, but the more Justin said, and the more I had no clue what he was talking about, the more embarrassed I was getting. "Butch would be the old ass redneck that you begged to go home with last night. Something about riding him cowboy style and things of that nature that I'd rather not repeat."

"Oh Jesus Christ! I didn't go home with him did I?" He didn't say anything, just sat there, licked his lips and looked at his hands. "JUSTIN!"

"You would have if I didn't stop you. Not that you wanted me to stop you or anything but..."

"I am such a fucking idiot," I said shaking my head in my hands.

"You're not an idiot. You were just really drunk, and not ready to be out at a bar yet. So instead of admitting that you drank to the point of no return in hopes that no one would notice. But while you were drowning your miseries in shots of tequila and telling your new friend Butch all about you ill grandmother and your penthouse apartment in New York City, I was sitting there watching you trying to figure out if I should let you continue to be a blubbering drunk and let the guy take advantage of you since you broke the promise you made to me; or if I should actually listen to my conscious and get you out of the dumb situation you got yourself into."

"And you got me out of the dumb situation because that's what you do now..."

"Why wouldn't you just tell me Em? I thought we were at a point now where you could tell me things and know I wouldn't make fun of you or anything," he looked at me with sad eyes. I'd let him down. The one person that's actually been there, that actually gets me I've managed to let down again. What the hell is wrong with me?

"I'm sorry Justin...I don't know what I was thinking. Everyone was just so excited that I was actually getting back to normal, and honestly I really thought I was ready. I wanted to be ready so bad. I just...I knew when we pulled up to the bar that I wasn't but I told myself it was something I had to overcome, baby steps you know? I guess I just...well I chose the wrong way to overcome it I suppose. I didn't want to let anyone down..."

"Well you managed to let me down by doing what you did Emily."

"I know," I whispered unable to look at him knowing that he was now disappointed in me. "I was stupid, and I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you I promise."

"You can make it up to me by going somewhere with me and not getting mad at me for taking you there," he replied and I looked up at him. His eyes were hopeful, and mine were scared. Did I feel bad about lying to him and breaking my promise, of course I did. But did I feel bad enough to let him take me somewhere without knowing where exactly it was and promising not to get mad at him was the real question. "Come on," he said not even giving me a chance to figure out my answer. He stood up and held his hand out for me to take before pulling me up. My head was still pounding, though it no longer felt like it was going to explode, and shockingly I was able to see and walk straight. I guess I was going wherever he wanted to take me whether I liked it or not.

***

"Julie, listen to me very closely," I said looking at the open file on my lap, "I need those contracts on my desk by 8am tomorrow. I cannot stress enough how important this is. If they're not on my desk the sponsor is out the door and that means that there will be no tour, which we both know is not what we want." I threw my hand up and grabbed the handle of the car door as Justin took a sharp corner, "Jesus Christ would you slow the fuck down? No no...not you Julie I was talking to Justin--"

"Mr. Timberlake," Justin snapped at me, and I just looked up at him and glared.

"I was talking to Mr. TIMBERLAKE Julie not you...you cocky asshole...no Julie no, again not talking to you," Justin started laughing in the seat next to me while my assistant went off in my ear about letting Mr. Timberlake know that his pending arrival to the Tennessee office is much anticipated. "Please Jules, don't let his head expand any larger then it already is," and with that I got hit in the shoulder by the cocky asshole himself. "Julie just shut up for a second! All that matters right now is the contract. On my desk by 8. I'll see you tomorrow."

"I think your assistant has a little crush on your boss Miss Logan. How long do you think it would take for me to get her in my bed?"

"NO! No, not again Justin," I yelled shooting my head up from the papers in my lap to look at him sternly, "You will not...I repeat, WILL NOT sleep with another one of my assistants."

"Another one?" he asked with a smirk on his face.

"Don't be an asshole. Meghan was my best assistant to date and you had to go con her into sleeping with you, and then when you stopped returning her calls and texted her to say you were through with her I was the one that had to deal with the sobbing, and then she quit two days later. You will NOT be sleeping with Julie, do I make myself clear? Go jerk off in a sock or go find a supermodel to fuck, but you will not engage in any sort of relationship with my employees."

"Loud and clear captain." A few minutes of silence past as Justin continued to drive to some secret destination, and I went through a pile of paperwork, correcting all the mistakes he had made while filling in for me. "Nice to have you back Logan," he said out of nowhere, "It's been far too long since you've yelled at me about my sex life."

"It's good to be back," I said with a smile. We drove for about 10 more minutes before the car came to a stop and Justin put it in park. My head was buried in contracts, press releases, and artwork that needed to be approved and I didn't even realize we had reached our destination until Justin hit my arm. I looked up, and when I saw what was in front of me I lost all sense of feeling in my body and the pen I was holding in my hand fell to the floor of the car. "No...no no no. Absolutely not. You can turn the car around right now because there is no way."

"You said you wanted to make it up to me and--"

"Not like this," I said cutting him off, "Anything but this. You can fuck my assistant, it would take you no longer then 4 seconds for her to agree to sleep with you. Hell you can fuck everyone in my office, but not this Justin no way..."

"It's something you're going to have to overcome eventually Emily, and now is as good a time as any."

"You told me yesterday," I started with tears filling my eyes, "You told me yesterday to tell you if I wasn't ready, and I'm telling you I'm not ready Justin..."

"You're never going to be ready."

"I'm not going in there. You can't make me."

"Do you want my help?" he asked me looking at me dead in the eyes. When I didn't answer he put his hands on my shoulders, "Do you want my help Emily? Because if you do, you will go in there. If you don't go in there this is where my help ends, you'll be on your own. I know that's not what you want, and that's not what I want either"

"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked letting the tears fall down my red cheeks.

"Because it's time," he replied getting out of the car and walking around to my door to open it. I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that I needed Justin to get through everything and if I didn't do what he said he'd be gone, and we'd be back to the way we were a few months ago. My door opened and I saw his hand in front of my face. A part of me was saying to take it, and the stronger other half of me was saying not to move. I sat there weighing the pro's and con's and finally decided that if I didn't take his hand I was going to be back to the person I was for three months that hated life and everything that went along with it, and I did not like that feeling. I took a deep breath and attempted to stop the tears that were still falling, and put my hand in his exiting the car. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we walked up the steps and he opened the brown door with a key he took out of his pocket. As the door swung open I was met with a familiar scent and I closed my eyes taking it all in before Justin motioned for me to go in.

I wasn't lying when I said I wasn't ready for this, and it was boggling my mind as to why he took me here. It seems like it's been years since I've stepped foot in here, but at the same time instinct took over. I dropped my purse on the table sitting by the door and walked directly over to the stairs. I normally took them two at a time, but today I went up one by one as slowly as possible. When I made it to the top I walked down the long hallway passing four doors on the left, and four doors on the right. The french doors I was headed for were closed and I turned around as I put both of my hands on the doorknobs to open them. Justin wasn't behind me and I let out a sigh of relief because in a way I didn't want him here with me. I pushed the doors open and felt every part of my body drain as I made my way inside the room running my hands against the wall on the right side of me.

I sat down on the side of the bed that was unfamiliar to me, looking at the headboard and the pillows lying up against it. Without really knowing what I was doing I reached my arm out and grasped onto the pillow closest to me and brought it to my chest to hug it. Putting my face down on top of it I took in a breath and completely lost it, sobbing uncontrollably clutching the pillow that smelt just like Jake did as close to my chest as possible. For the first time in about a month I was forced to think about Jake as I sat on our bed in the master bedroom of the house we shared together. The house that we built together. The house that we made so many memories in together. I was forced to think about him, to remember everything about it, to think about my life without him, and for the first time to think about how it was I was actually going to move on.

There was a knock at the door but I didn't have it in me to say come in or get out. "Em?" I heard Justin say as the door squeaked open. He walked over to me still holding the pillow in my arms with my nose on top of it taking in the last of Jake's scent. Kneeling down in front of me he put his hands on my knees and looked up at the tears that were still falling at least an hour after they had started. "Talk to me," he said in almost a whisper.

What did he want me to say? Did he want me to thank him for taking me here and making me feel like this again? Did he want me to yell at him, get mad and break my promise again? I was sobbing so hard that I couldn't even find my voice and he wanted to have a conversation with me. Sometimes I want to smack him across the head and knock some sense into him. But instead of doing that I just shook my head, not really knowing what other options I had. He sat down next to me on the bed and I wanted to push him off, and scream at him for sitting somewhere that was meant for Jake but I didn't because I couldn't. "I always fought with him for buying this cheap cologne, and now I'd give anything to smell it everyday again," I finally managed to say. "I fought with him that day..."

"What day?"

"The day you and Trace came over. He took the day off of work, and I yelled at him because he didn't tell me until that day and I wanted time to catch up with Trace alone. So before you came he scheduled a couple of appointments just to let me have my way as always. I made him go to that house. I should have just appreciated the fact that he was trying to do something nice for me, but instead I yelled at him and made him go to work. If I wasn't so selfish..."

"It's not your fault."

"It all fault Justin. I made him go. If I had just kept my mouth shut he would have never left this house, and that car would have never hit him and he'd still be here. And I'd have more then this pillow to remind me of him. He's dead and it's all my fault."

He took me by my shoulders and spun me around to face him, "Listen to me right now Emily Logan," he said sternly, "You were not driving that car. You did not kill him do you understand me?"

"I made him go. I did that...not the idiot driving the car."

"I know this isn't what you want to hear, but everything happens for a reason Em."

"Oh yeah," I said angrily looking up at him, "Then tell me what the reason is..."

"I don't know what the reason is yet. Maybe it happened when it did so that you weren't alone. Or maybe the next day Jake was going to get really sick and you'd find out he was dying, and this way he didn't have to suffer. I'm not saying these are the answers; there are no answers right now. But someday there will be."

"I just can't handle this," I said feeling utterly defeated, "The only way I can deal with it is by not thinking about it. By not seeing things that remind me of him, and pretending like he never existed. Because if I think about it or I'm reminded of him I can't function because I can't imagine a life without him."

"When you think of him what do you think about?"

I laid back on the bed still clutching the pillow to my chest and looked up at the ceiling forcing myself to think about him. "I think about that day. The look on Trace's face when he handed me the phone. I think about the doctor and how he had no emotion when he told me that the love of my life was dead. I think about how he looked in the casket, and how everyone kept saying they were sorry but didn't really mean it. I think about how I'll never be able to hold his hand again, and how he'll never mess up my hair again while I'm eating breakfast before work. I'm never going to hear his voice again, and I'll never get to be his wife. I'll never feel warm when someone hugs me like I did with him, and we'll never have kids together like he wanted so badly. I'm never going to see him again and it scares the shit out of me because I honestly don't think I can do it without him..."

"How'd you guys meet?" Justin asked lying back next to me disregarding everything I had just said.

I managed to smile thinking about the first time Jake and I had actually spoken to each other. He sat a few rows behind me in my PR class freshman year of college and I'd find myself turning around every now and then to look at him, however we didn't meet until a few weeks into the semester when I literally ran into him in the dining hall. "I spilled cheddar and broccoli soup all over him in the dining hall at U of M. I was actually on the phone with Trace trying to get him to quit following you around and come to school with me when I ran into him. The rest is history I guess."

"What'd he get you for your first birthday he spent with you?"

"I still have it," I said laughing. I got up off the bed and went into my closet that had far less clothes in it then the last time I was in here. I got up on my tiptoes and reached for the pink box that was sitting on the top shelf. Placing the box on the bed I opened the lid and threw everything that was on top on the bed until I reached what I wanted. "He went to LA to visit his cousin on spring break and brought this back for my birthday," I said holding up a fake Emmy with a plague that read "World's Best Girlfriend" on the bottom. "I don't remember him ever calling me anything other then Emmy, so it was actually quite fitting. Trace got mad that he didn't get me something more expensive, but that didn't matter to me. The meaning behind this is worth more then any amount of money in the world. Everything he did had a purpose. He didn't buy me things just to say he bought me something, it always had an explanation. He was more then any girl could ever dream of. He made me feel so special. It sounds so cliché but he really did make me feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world."

"The dude got you a fake Emmy and all of a sudden he's prince charming..." he laughed.

"Shut up Justin!" I replied punching his shoulder.

We sat on my bed going through the box that was filled with little things that Jake had gotten me over the years. I explained each gift to Justin and the meaning behind it all. We laughed at some of them, like the ring made of string that I got when we went camping for a week and didn't think we'd survive. Justin made fun of me for most of them, but I knew deep down inside he understood. The last thing I pulled out was the box that held my engagement ring the day he proposed. It was shaped like a music note because music was such a huge part of my life, and it was also a good way to disguise what was actually inside when he mistakenly left it on the nightstand the night before he slipped the ring on my finger. Had it been just a normal jewelry box, I'm sure I would have opened it, but for some reason I didn't think anything of it sitting there. Justin and I sat there talking for hours. Every now and then I'd lay on my stomach holding myself up with my elbows and tell stories for a long time, and sometimes I'd lie on my back and close my eyes trying to picture the day I was describing.

"Now let me ask you a question," he said after one of our many laughing fits.

"Shoot," I replied throwing a super ball at him.

"Why don't you ever think of this stuff?" He threw the ball back at me and I continued playing catch with him while leaning up against the headboard of the bed with my legs crossed under me.

"I don't know. I guess...It makes me feel kind of happy to think about those things and I feel like I don't deserve to be happy because he's dead."

"You realize that's a ridiculous answer right?" I shrugged my shoulders at him, but continued to throw the ball back and forth in an attempt to avoid another meltdown. "Jake loved you Em. He'd want you to be happy."

"I know," I replied catching the ball and holding it in my hands, "I miss him Justin. I miss him so much."

"It's okay to miss him...what's not okay is to not think about him to avoid dealing with it. Doing that leads to drunken nights with men named Butch."

"It pains me to say this but you're right," I said throwing the ball hard at his head. He managed to catch it and threw his hands in the air in victory.

"Score one for Timberlake!" He yelled before jumping up on the bed doing a victory dance. I attempted to kick his legs but he strategically caught my legs in his hand and continued to act like a five year old before plopping back down on the bed. "So do you get why I took you here?" he asked after a while.

"Yessssssss," I replied reluctantly, "You took me here to teach me a lesson. I get it."

"You mad at me Logan?"

"I promised I wouldn't be, so no."

"You ready to go home?" he asked.

I looked around my room and realized that I was no longer crying, and I didn't even feel like crying anymore. I thought about the good times I've had in this room and put all the bad ones in the way back of my mind. This was my home. "I think I want to stay here tonight," I said after a few minutes of pondering the thought. 

"You do?" He asked surprised by my answer. I nodded my head knowing that this was something else that I needed to overcome. Another baby step that I needed to get out of the way. "You'll call if you need anything right?"

"I never in a billion years thought I'd ever ask you this question, and it sounds so wrong but...will you stay with me?" I squinted one eye shut afraid of his reaction to the question.

"That does sound very...very wrong, but yes I will stay with you."

"Thanks Justin...for everything I don't know how I'd get through all this without you. I don't know what made you decide to help me, but whatever it was I'm grateful for."

"Me too," he said looking down at his hands. It was a statement that kind of confused me, but I took it with a grain of salt, "I'll see you in the morning Em." He leaned over and gave me a hug before walking out of the room. I just asked Justin Timberlake to sleep over at my house...so gross...so, so gross.

*** 

I stayed at my house that night two months ago, and returned to Justin's the next day after work. I was ready to spend a night in the house that I refused to step foot in a few hours prior, but one night was enough for me. There was too much there reminding me of what could have been, and too many memories to remember all at once. I knew that morning that I'd never be able to live in that house again, but I couldn't find it in me to actually put the house up for sale. So about a month later I offered to rent the house out to Trace and his girlfriend. He was planning on staying in Tennessee for a while, giving me the reason of, I haven't been home for a long period of time in way too long, but in reality I know it was to keep an eye on me.

As for me, I'm back full force into work. It's amazing to me how much didn't get done while I was out and it took me almost the entire two months I've been back to catch up. Justin and I have started a working relationship that has made my job not only a whole lot easier, but somehow more enjoyable. We're working together on a lot of things we use to work alone on, and in the end I'm able to see another side to the business that I never thought I'd be able to. Being the President of a company is basically doing all the dirty work and all the fun stuff gets left to other people. But last week Justin took me with him when he went to New York to see a show for an artist that he was interested in. Not even 36 hours after we landed we were all sitting in a boardroom signing a contract, and to see the look on that girls face when she realized that she now had a record deal was priceless.

It was nice to be somewhat back on track. I've been spending a lot more time with my friends, and I've found myself going to my parents house at least two or three times a week just to catch up. At first it was hard with everyone looking at me with pity in there eyes and holding there tongue with certain things because they didn't want me to get upset, but after a while when they realized that I wouldn't have a nervous breakdown if they brought Jake up things got back to normal. I still thought about Jake a lot, and I'd find myself crying every so often when I was alone and I knew no one would be able to hear me. It's a pain that I know will never go away, but I hope one day it will subside enough for me to move on as best as anyone put in this situation could.

"Emily, Trace is on line one," I heard Julie say over the intercom on my phone. I threw my pen down and looked up at the clock on the wall of my office to see it was 7pm and I'd been sitting here for 13 hours.

"What's up Trace Face?" I said after pushing the speakerphone button and returning to the pile of work in front of me.

"Hey you're coming to Ma and Pa's tomorrow night for dinner right?"

"Is tomorrow Wednesday?"

"Last time I checked."

"Then I'll be at Ma and Pa's like I am every Wednesday. Did you call to ask me questions you already know the answer to or is there something else I can help you with?" I asked rolling my eyes at the phone.

"What's got your panties in a bunch? Trouble on the home front? I bet you're glad you won't have to deal with Justin much longer--"

"Look Trace, I'm trying to confirm a bunch of shit for Matt's big preview on Friday," I said cutting him off, "Vendor's are being total pains in the ass and I'm just bu...Wait what do you mean I won't be dealing with Justin much longer?" I asked after I actually comprehended his last statement.

"He didn't tell you?"

"Didn't tell me what?"

"That's why I wanted to make sure you'd be at Ma and Pa's. Maybe you being there will lighten the blow a little bit..."

"Lighten what blow? Trace what the fuck is going on?" I said ripping the glasses off my face and throwing them on my desk feeling my stomach do a million somersaults.

"I'm telling them that I'm not Justin's assistant anymore as of tomorrow. I'm just going to focus most of my time on the line and dealing with the restaurants and stuff."

"Okay, so they're going to yell at you for being lazy, but what does that have to do with me not having to deal with Justin anymore?"

"I'm not lazy Em God! See people don't fucking understand how much work goes into doing the line I'm really involved with it and--"

"Answer the fucking question Trace!" I yelled not really caring if he was being lazy or not.

"Well thanks for caring about your own damn brother."

"I care...I really do. You're not lazy, it's hard work and I support you. Just please answer the question."

"It's really not that big of a deal. Justin's going back to LA on Monday to start filming some stupid movie about Facebook. I figured you'd be happy to have him out of your hair for a while. No need to flip out about it."

"I'm not flipping out," I replied, but in reality I was flipping out. "I have to go, see you tomorrow," I hung up not even waiting for him to say goodbye. I don't know why but I felt like I was about to have an anxiety attack. The last time Justin left was just about a month after Jake died, and before I even knew how to function again so it didn't really matter to me who was here and who wasn't. Now though...now I've started to depend on Justin to get through a day. Knowing that I wasn't going home to an empty house and that I wouldn't be eating dinner by myself in silence was something that gave me piece of mind, and now with Justin going back to LA and Trace living with Bri in my old house I was going to be alone and it was not something that I was ready for.

I looked at the pile of papers in front of me knowing that I should stay and finish, but the intense urge to throw up made me do otherwise. I threw my planner in my oversized purse and got up turning all the lights off in my office and walking out the door in a huff not even remembering to say goodbye to Julie. I practically ran out to my car, threw the keys in the ignition and drove home so fast that I don't even remember the drive itself. I pulled into the driveway and took what seemed like the first breath I'd taken since getting off the phone with Trace. I knew I was over reacting. I was 25 almost 26 years old. I knew how to live on my own, I'd done it before and I could do it again. But why didn't Justin tell me? I knew I had to go in the house and act like nothing was wrong even though to me it seemed like everything was wrong. I composed myself after stepping out of the car, brushing off the none existent dirt on my skirt, and walked into the house with my head held high.

I went through the garage to see if Justin was actually home and I was right in thinking he would be. I opened the kitchen door and threw my keys and purse on the counter trying desperately to hold back the feeling of throwing up. "Shelly is that you?" I heard Justin yell from the living room. I looked up to see him on the couch, his feet on the coffee table, remote in one hand and a fork in the other.

"Yeah...it's me," I replied gulping down what felt like tears.

"I waited for you to watch last nights shows. There's take out on the counter for you, I figured you wouldn't want to cook since you were at the office so late."

"Thanks," I said scooping some Lo Mien into a bowl that I pulled for the cabinet, "Matt's preview is taking up all too much of my time. Verizon is about to back out because Matt isn't doing the signing in their booth it's all kind of crazy..." I sat down next to him on the couch and started eating, unable to actually look at him as I spoke for fear of what my reaction would be. "Why you want him to do a signing at a preview for industry people is beyond me but it is what it is..."

"I'm glad you've finally come to your senses and have realized that what I say goes Logan."

"Mmm," was all I managed to say. I started at the TV for about an hour not really watching Dancing with the Stars, but trying to figure out a way to get over this hump without letting anyone else know I had a hump to get over. I mean how long could he possibly be gone for? 2...3 months? It'll be nice to actually come home to a quiet house every so often and not have Justin up my ass asking me every five seconds what I'd be cooking for dinner or what went on in the office that day.

"Helloooooo are you in there?" I snapped out of my daze and swatted his hand that was lightly punching me in the shoulder away. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I replied scooping a forkful of food into my mouth.

"You've been staring off into space for the past 10 minutes ignoring me and you want me to believe nothing is wrong?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked really quickly surprised at myself for asking the one thing I've been telling myself not to ask for the past hour.

"Why didn't I tell you who got voted off? What are you talking about?"

"Why didn't you tell me you were going to LA?" I asked finally looking up at him.

"I don't know...I guess I didn't think you'd really care," he said shrugging his shoulders.

"I don't care." I said getting up to put my dish in the dishwasher, caring an awful lot in reality. I walked past the living room feeling Justin's eyes on me the whole way to the door of my room.

"Em is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine," I lied. "I have a lot of work to do, so I'll see you in the morning," another lie because I knew damn well that I left a pile of work up to my eyeballs at the office, and with that I walked into my room sliding my back down the closed door behind me. This was one baby step I wasn't close to being able to take.

I am your brother
Your best friend forever
Singing the songs
The music that you love
Brothers til the end of time

Together or not
You're always in my heart
You hurt your feelings
And you will rain on mine
I love you brother

My cell phone was ringing for the 80th time in a matter of five minutes, and thanks to an awful yet hilarious American Idol audition I knew without even looking at the caller ID that it was Trace so I didn't even have to move from my spot in front of the mirror in the bathroom putting make up on. Apparently me ignoring him for the past week didn't really get the point across to him that I didn't want to talk to him or see him, so when I heard his voice behind me I nearly put a hole in the ceiling from jumping so high.

"I can hear the phone ringing so apparently my screaming phone call to AT&T was unwarranted. Remind me to call them later and apologize since in reality my sister has just been ignoring my fucking calls for no reason...what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? Where do you come off scaring the shit out of me? Don't you knock or at least let someone know that you're coming over?"

"Oh I'm sorry maybe I should have tried CALLING!" I shrugged my shoulders ignoring his statement and went back to my makeup. "HELLO! Are you in there?" he knocked on my head and stared at me in the mirror, "What the hell have you been doing for the past week besides ignoring me?"

"I've been busy," I replied flatly trying to pay more attention to my eyeliner then the ugly look on his face in the mirror.

"Doing what? And before you even try to say work I know you haven't been there so think of some other lame excuse to use on me."

"I didn't know I needed a personal keeper...and why are you checking up on me?"

"Because you've been MIA. What's going on Em?"

"I haven't been MIA, I've actually be quite busy--" My phone ringing cut me off and I ran into the bedroom to answer it.  I finalized my plans for the evening and was met back in the bathroom with a face from Trace that made me think he might actually attack me, "What?"

"Who was that?"

"My date."

"Your date? You're going on a date tonight? Is that what you've been doing this whole week? Ignoring everyone because you're seeing someone?"

"I'm not seeing anyone Trace," I replied throwing my mascara back in my makeup bag and pulling the zipper shut, "I'm going on a date, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm a grown woman, I can do what I want..."

"Does Justin know?"

"I'm sorry I hadn't realized I had to get Justin's permission to go on a date. What Justin doesn't know won't hurt him, and Justin won't know because you're not going to tell him."

"Seriously Emily...You're freaking me out--" he was interrupted by my phone buzzing on the sink,

I'm too sexy for my shirt

Too sexy for my shirt

So sexy it hurts--

I hit the ignore button, turned around and looked Trace in the eyes, "There's nothing to be worried about. I'm fine, promise," I said kissing him on the cheek before walking past him into my bedroom. "I'm alive and well, so you can go report back to whoever you report back to these days and then go home to Bri."

"Who did you just ignore?"

"Trace," I said now getting really annoyed, "Just go home."

"It was Justin wasn't it? Is this what all of this weirdness is about? You're pissed that he's gone aren't you?"

I took a deep breath trying to figure out a way to get this conversation to end and slip out of the house without it blowing up any more then it already has, "He's been gone for over a month and I'm just fine Trace. I'm going on my date, you can stay here or you can go home I really don't care, but I'm leaving," and with that I walked out of my bedroom and out the front door to the ride that was waiting for me.

***

Justin has been gone for 36 days. I'd be lying if I didn't say the first couple of days were like hell on earth. I tried to prepare myself in the days before he left for what it would be like with him gone by avoiding him as best as I could, and I thought that I was golden. That is until he actually left. Coming home to a quiet, empty house everyday left me with nothing to do except think, and thinking never leads to any good in my world. So after about a week I made it a point to go out every single night. It started off as dinner with my friend Samantha, which lead to drinks the next night with a few others, and then off to a club on Friday night which often lead into Saturday and sometimes Sunday morning. I was able to keep my mind off of everything, including but not limited to, Jake, work, Justin, and the responsibilities of life by focusing on rebuilding my friendships and meeting new people. The constant buzz off of the non-stop flow of alcohol didn't hurt either.

I did however always have the whole Butch situation in the back of my mind, and I'm proud to say that I never got to the point of no return. Last week after having a few drinks at a local pub with Samantha and Rachel, we met up with Sam's boyfriend and his best friend Cody at his house for a little late night movie watching. Once the movie started Sam and Kyle curled up in a tangled mess of a ball on the couch which left Cody and I on the loveseat making fun of them alone since Rachel went home before we got there. We ended up talking and getting to know each other while the two lovebirds practically had sex on the couch next to us, and before we knew it the movie was over. Much to my surprise he was quite the gentleman and walked me out to my car around midnight, and before he closed the door behind me he asked me out to dinner. I don't know if it was the wine talking or what, but it took all of 1 second for me to say yes.

That brings me to right now. I'm sitting across from Cody at a fancy restaurant in Memphis. We've been here for a couple of hours, and I'm on my fourth glass of wine. I've learned a lot about him since we got here, but if we're being honest he's done most of the talking. Not that I mind or anything, in fact I'd rather it this way so that I don't have to get into my confusing and somewhat sad and insane life. I feel like I've been laughing non-stop and we've realized we really do have a lot in common. We were sharing the most delicious piece of tiramisu when he decided it was time to start asking me the questions.

"So," he said before taking a bite off of his fork, "You've heard all about me, tell me about you..."

"What do you want to know?" I asked batting my eyelashes like a 12 year old.

"Well for starters, what do you do for work?"

"I work for a record label. It based out of LA but they have an office here in Memphis."

"What's your title there? I've always heard it's hard to get jobs at labels. I've got a few friends out in LA that have been trying for years and they've got a resume to back it but can't find anything."

"Well," I replied putting a piece of tiramisu in my mouth, "I guess you can say I kind of just fell into it. It's really hard work, but it's in an industry that I love and always dreamed of working in so I don't really mind the whole hard work aspect of it," I said ignoring his first question.

"So what? Do you work in the mailroom or something, is that why you're avoiding the question?"

"No I don't work in the mailroom," I laughed.

"So what do you do?"

I looked up at him not really wanting to tell him but figured there was no point in lying, "I'm the President," I said in a low voice not really knowing what kind of reaction to expect from him, but was shocked when he started hysterically laughing.

"Come on now," he said banging the table with his right hand, "You are too funny Emily. Seriously now...just tell me what you do, I won't make fun of you I promise."

"I'm the President," I said now annoyed, "I get how that could be kind of intimidating but it's the truth."

He put his fork down and stopped laughing the minute he saw that my face was serious, and took a sip of wine before saying anything. "I...I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or anything Emmy I--"

"Don't call me that," I nearly screamed cutting him off. I closed my eyes and shook my head willing the image that was now in my head of Jake to go away, "Please don't call me that," I said softer a minute later.

"Sorry," he replied fiddling with his napkin unable to look at me, "Bad breakup or something?"

I didn't know how to respond. I hadn't told Cody about Jake, or Justin, or about anything really for that matter because if I did it would involve me thinking about them which was something I didn't want to do. "You could say that. It wasn't so much a break up..."

"Did he just up and leave? I hate when men don't even have the balls to break up with a woman. It's one of my pet peeves."

"He didn't really have a choice." I could feel tears starting to form in my eyes and I finished off the glass of wine that was in front of me before pouring another one for me and topping his off.

"You don't have to defend the guy Emily. I'll be the first to admit that most men are assholes. How long were you guys together?"

"About 7 years, and he wasn't an asshole. Can we talk about something else?" I asked in an attempt to save what was a good night before this was brought to the table.

"Sure," he said before clearing his throat knowing that the date was going downhill.

We sat in silence for a bit, which gave me a minute to reflect and realize that I absolutely was not ready for this date, or any date in the near future. After the other day at Kyle's I thought maybe the butterflies in my stomach was a sign but I know now I was wrong. It wasn't really Cody's fault he didn't know about any of the goings on in my life the past few months, so I couldn't blame him but I needed to find a way out of this, and fast.

"So..." I said before attempting to down my glass of wine in hopes that the waitress would see we were done and bring the check. Luckily she took the hint when I looked at her, and Cody wasted no time in pulling out his credit card to pay.

"So...how crazy is it that they still haven't found the driver from the hit and run back in October," he said attempting to make small talk as the waitress ran his credit card.

My heart dropped further and further down into my stomach after each word came out of his mouth. I couldn't respond to that because if I did it would be waterworks central in the middle of this restaurant, but I couldn't just leave him hanging. "Want to come back to my place?" I asked knowing that it was the stupidest thing for me to say, and also knowing that it was really the last thing I wanted.

"Sure," he replied looking really surprised.

The car ride back was practically silent the entire way except for the soft music coming out of the stereo. I let out a small chuckle when I heard the first few notes to one of Justin's songs, and Cody scoffed at the radio and changed the station almost immediately mumbling something under his breath about auto tuned pieces of shit. I didn't know how to approach the fact that I didn't actually want Cody coming inside, so I decided the best way to get around it was pretend like I wasn't feeling well. I started making faces and taking deep breaths until he asked me if I was okay, and when I said I wasn't feeling well he told me that unless I wanted him to make sure I was okay he didn't have to come in. We pulled up to the house and he got out to open the car door for me and stood with me while I unlocked the door.

"Sorry about this," I said pulling the key out of the lock, "I had a great time tonight, thanks for dinner."

"I had fun too," he replied putting his hand on my arm. "Maybe we could do it again sometime..."

Not a chance buddy, "Maybe," I said with a fake smile, "I should probably go in..."

"Feel better Emily."

"Thanks." I reached for the doorknob and felt his hand squeeze my arm and pull me close to him. He was going in for a kiss and I couldn't let that happen, so right before his lips hit mine I turned my head 2 inches to the right and he got my cheek instead. I'm sure he was surprised, but not nearly as surprised as I was when I saw what was standing in the doorway. I don't really know why but I felt caught. Like my father just opened the door on a 13 year old me about to kiss the boy that he forbid her to go out with. The look on his face was disappointed? No, it actually looked more angry and upset. I turned my body so that I was standing in front of him, forgetting that I had just left Cody hanging, "What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I should have known," he replied, his hand slipping off the doorknob and hitting the side of his leg.

"Did Trace make you come home?"

"No, I made that decision all by myself..."

"Wait, is this your boyfriend?" Cody asked from behind me, his voice now not so pleased.

"N..No," I stuttered. "No...I just...I live with him. This is Justin my...this is Justin. Justin this is Cody."

"You live with Justin Timberlake?" he asked shocked.

"It appears to be that way," I replied letting out a huge breath and feeling utterly defeated in every way possible. I could tell Justin was pissed, I'm not entirely sure why, but he was. And Cody...who really gives a shit about Cody at this point, I just wanted to walk away from both of them, curl up in a ball and sleep the rest of my life away.

"I'm a huge fan of your music," I heard Cody say to Justin, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. It wasn't five minutes ago that he was calling his music an auto-tuned piece of shit. I could feel my heart rate and my blood pressure rising and I knew I had to get out of there before I spontaneously combusted.

"Goodnight Cody," I said with a smile and walked past Justin into the house directly to my bedroom. I heard the front door close a few minutes later and I knew that I was about to get bitched at for the rest of the night by Justin. What the fuck was he even doing here? He wasn't supposed to be back for another two months. If I find out that Trace called him and made him come home just because I was ignoring him, I will take it upon myself to personally murder him. I heard a knock on my door and I knew I had no choice but to get screamed at, "Come in..." I flopped on my bed and threw my face in a pillow in hopes that the screaming might be muffled if I had it over my head.

"I don't know why I try sometimes."

"Neither do I."

"You're not ready Em..."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do."

"You're not an expert on me Justin. I'm the only one who knows if I'm ready and if I'm not."

"You're not ready..."

"SHUT UP!" I yelled sitting up to look at him. "Don't tell me how I feel! If I feel like I'm ready then I'm ready."

"How'd your date go then?" he asked giving me a side-glance.

"It went just great! In fact, I think I'm going to go out with him again," I lied, "You're not my boyfriend Justin, you can't get mad at me for going out on a fucking date."

"Damn fucking straight I'm not your boyfriend, and I never will be," he replied with his eyes bugging out of his head, "I am however your boss and I do get to be mad at the fact that you haven't shown up to work in well over a week and you've had no good explanation as to why. So tell me Emily Logan, have you been deathly ill? Because that's about the only good excuse for your actions."

"Oh give me a break Justin. You're ridiculous."

"I won't give you a break. I've given you plenty of breaks and this is where they end Emily. You have zero sick days left to take. You have zero vacation days, and when everyone else is home for a holiday you WILL be in the office working. How's that for not giving you a break?"

"You're a fucking asshole Justin you know that right?"

"I'm a fucking asshole? Me?" he asked pointing to himself, and I just stared at him, "You know what, you're right. I am an asshole. I'm an asshole for actually trying to help you. I'm an asshole for being there for you when you had no one else. I'm an asshole for letting you live in my house. And I'm the asshole that came home from LA so that I could celebrate your goddamn birthday with you tomorrow. You are so fucking right, I am an asshole. Happy fucking birthday Emily, I hope you enjoy it by yourself," and with that he threw a small box at me walked out and slammed the door behind him.

Who's the asshole now?

Birthdays stop counting after 25. There's nothing to look forward to after all. You've already passed all the big ones. At 16 you can get your learners permit and 6 months after that you can start driving. Once you turn 18 you're allowed to buy scratch tickets, and fill your lungs with tobacco if you so choose. The big 2-1 brings you alcohol, more alcohol, and probably leads you to a really bad decision at the end of the night. A decision that you will however remember for the rest of your life if you were sober enough to take it all in. Last but not least, you can finally rent a car without have to pay the extra three to four hundred dollars for the insurance they make you take out once you hit 25. After that, the next big birthday is 30...and 30 is just old.

My birthdays were always acknowledged and for some of the big ones we even went out to celebrate, but for the most part it was just another day for me. My parents died on my third birthday. It's one thing that I'll always remember, though there isn't much else that I do twenty three years later. Ma and Pa were visiting us in Florida with Trace and they left me with them in their hotel room so that they could go pick up the special cake they had made for me. I was obsessed with the show "Alf" at the tender age of three and I can remember begging my parents to get me an Alf cake for my birthday, and right before they left my Momma told me that they granted my wish. We didn't have a lot of money, and even though I was really young I knew that it was a special treat to actually have a cake made for me. I'd see my friends in preschool come in every week with new clothes or a new toy, and I'd often flock to the corner because I didn't have anything new to show off, so I was excited to be able to go to school the next day and tell my friends all about my special cake.

I was playing with Lincoln Logs on the floor in front of the TV with Trace when the phone rang. It wasn't too long after they had left, and to this day I can sometimes still hear Ma's gasp when she answered the phone, and how fast Pa ran out the door when she whispered what had happened to him. She started hysterically crying soon after and I can remember it taking her a very, very long time to be able to calm down enough to tell Trace and I what had happened. She and Pa didn't go into details, but they explained as best they could to a three year old that both of her parents had died. They didn't say how or why, but they told me how much they loved me and that they wouldn't be coming home anymore. I didn't cry because I guess I just didn't really understand what it really meant, but I knew it was something really bad because Ma and Pa, or at that time, just Mr. and Mrs. A, couldn't hold back there tears.

Trace asked if they were in heaven, which lead to Ma scooping him up in her arms and telling him that they were in heaven watching down on us. She then asked if I had any questions, so I asked if I'd still be getting my Alf cake. Pa assured me that my Alf cake would come at some point that day, and I can remember feeling so happy that I'd still be able to tell my friends at school about it. My parents were dead, and all I cared about was my fucking Alf cake. Some daughter I was.

I can honestly tell you that I don't remember anything about their wake and funeral. I knew that they were gone and that I wouldn't be seeing them again, but I couldn't understand why everyone was crying and I wasn't. I know now that I just didn't get it. Ma and Pa explained heaven to me and I thought that I could go to heaven whenever I wanted to see them on a plane or something. It wasn't until we packed the last of my stuff in their car before I moved to Tennessee that I realized heaven wasn't really attainable yet. I sat on the sidewalk of the apartment complex that was now my former home and cried for a good two hours before Trace, the tiny 3 year old midget, told me it would be okay because I could go to his house and play with his GI Joe's. The rest is history I guess.

I got my Alf cake that year, and every year thereafter until I was 10. We celebrated that night as best as we could with me losing my parents and Ma loosing her best friend and all. I opened all of the presents that my parents had gotten me, not really knowing at the time that it would be the last time I opened anything from them. I'd hold up the gifts smiling at my onlookers, and I know now it took everything in Ma to actually smile back at me, but she did after every single gift.

My fourth birthday was hard for everyone. I'd been living in Tennessee for about a year, and it was really hard for me to make friends at my new preschool since Trace and Justin picked on me the whole time. Ma and Pa tried to make it a really great birthday. They rented a hall, invited my whole class, and all the neighbors, but I know that what was really on their minds that day was that awful phone call they got the year before. Each year after that we all tried to celebrate, but after my second birthday the day was never and will never be the same.

The day before my 11th birthday, Trace and I were watching Justin on that stupid show when I overheard Ma on the phone in the kitchen. I left Trace in front of the TV by himself and walked towards her voice, excitement running through my blood in hopes that today she'd show me the picture of my cake since they always made sure to get my approval before bringing it to the bakery. It was as I sat down on the chair behind an unknowing Ma that I found out how my parents really died.

Supposedly they were leaving the hotel to go pick up my cake in Ma and Pa's rented Mustang when four people, one on each side of the car shot at them. The shots weren't meant for them though, they were meant for someone else in a black Mustang with tinted windows. Ma told whoever she was talking to that the hardest thing for her to do was celebrate my birthday when all she could think about was how her best friend died that day. She also mentioned that it was like being stabbed over and over again in the heart every time she went to pick up my Alf cake, because they died doing just that. At almost 11, I now understood it all. My parents died because of me and my stupid Alf cake. They died so that I could go to school the next day and brag. It was all my fault.

I got off the chair and went into my bedroom to cry without Ma knowing I over heard her. When she came in my room a couple of hours later with a picture of what would have been my cake, I screamed at her about how I hated Alf and never wanted an Alf cake or any cake for that matter ever again. She was taken aback, but she sat with me while I cried some more even though she didn't know the reason why I was. The next day for my 11th birthday there were 11 cupcakes sitting on the kitchen table when Trace and I came home from school. I haven't had an Alf cake, or any cake for my birthday since then.

Today, on the morning of my 26th birthday I layed in bed thinking about what I now had to look forward to. My parents were dead 23 years to the day, and the love of my life has now been dead for six months exactly. My next milestone was 30, which made me old, and the only person that's been there for me every step of the way for the last half year hates my guts. And to no ones surprise, all of it, was all my fault.

I knew I had to fix things with Justin. He came home from LA to celebrate my birthday and all I did was bitch at him. I've been taking advantage of him for the past six months, and he didn't deserve any of it. I looked over at the clock and my eye got caught on the silver box that he threw at me last night. I picked it up and threw it back and forth from one hand to the other before setting it down on the bed in front of me. After a few minutes I pulled the blue bow on top of the shiny holder apart pulling the top off with it. Inside the box was a silver necklace with a diamond encrusted M&M charm hanging off of it. Just recently he'd taken to calling me M&M, and apparently he was really listening when I mentioned to him how much I loved that all of Jake's gifts to me had meaning. I closed my hand around the charm and put it up to my chest where my heart was beating inside. I sat here last night calling him an asshole, when in reality the only person that's been an asshole this whole time was me.

I got out of bed immediately walking up the long staircase and down the hall to his bedroom. His door was closed so I knocked lightly in an attempt to not scare him if he was in a deep sleep. When he didn't answer I knocked on the white wood a little bit harder, but again was met with no response. Opening the door just a crack with the gold handle, I stuck my head in to see his extra long king size bed empty. The black comforter was pulled up to the top, and the pillows were set up neatly at the head of the bed. I closed the door hoping that he didn't go back to LA already and practically ran back down the stairs to the empty living room. I settled on a stool at the breakfast bar when I noticed something different about the island in the middle of the kitchen. I got up off the seat still holding the necklace in my hand to find a large pink box on the island with a note written in Justin's messy writing.

Em,

It was already ordered before last night so I figured I might as well let you enjoy it instead of letting it go to waste. See you in the office no later then 9am. Happy Birthday.

J

I put the note back on the island and let out a sigh. He hated me, and it was going to be painfully difficult to get him to forgive me. With my free hand I pulled the top of the large pink box off and instantly lost my breath when I saw what was inside. Looking back at me was an Alf cake with "Happy 26th M&M" written just below his long nose. He didn't know about my parents getting murdered while going to pick up that cake, and I know he was just trying to do something nice because he knew that at every party as a kid I had this cake, but I couldn't help but let out the loudest scream in my life when I saw it.

***

"Hey Casey is Justin here?" I asked the girl behind the reception desk at exactly 9am.

"Mr. Timberlake is in his office," she replied not looking up at me.

"Mr. Timberlake...right," I rolled my eyes and patted the desk before walking the length of the building back to Justin's office. I opened the door without waiting for a response from my knock and was greeted by one of his assistants who practically jumped out of her seat when I walked in.

"I'm sorry Ms. Logan but Mr. Timberlake is busy and won't be seeing any visitor's today."

"It's Emily, and he'll be seeing me..." I walked past her without giving her a second glance and I could feel her eyes glaring into the back of my head as I opened the door without even knocking. "Justin I--"

"9:04am. Your pay will be docked," he cut me off not looking up from the paperwork on his desk.

"I was in the building at 9."

"It was actually 9:02, I was watching on the security cameras."

"Are you being serious right now? You know what, never mind dock my pay that's fine that's not what I came here to talk to you about," I said shaking my head, "Look, about last night--"

"We have a meeting with the lawyers in 5 minutes."

"Okay, so I'll get this out in five minutes. I just came in here to tell you that I'm sorry. I know that I've been acting like an asshole and...God Justin I don't know what's wrong with me but--"

"I don't really have time for this right now, I have a meeting to prepare for. I'll be speaking with Janelle and reprimanding her for letting anyone back here since I gave her strict orders not to."

"She tried to stop me but I mean, it's me Justin."

"I'll see you in the meeting Ms. Logan," he said finally looking up at me with fire in his now dark eyes.

"Fine," I replied trying to hold back the tears that I could feel forming in my eyes, "We'll talk about this tonight at home then."

"I'm afraid that can't happen. I have a date tonight right after I leave the office..." he trailed off.

I felt like the wind got knocked out of me, and I had to put my hand on the chair next to me in order to stay on my feet. It was a feeling I never thought I'd feel when Justin told me he was going on a date, and I'm not sure if I felt like this because of that or because he was treating me like this person that he didn't even know. "You...Why didn't you tell me you were going on a date?" I nearly whispered.

"Last time I checked your name wasn't Lynn Harless, and I don't discuss my personal life with my employees."

"Justin come on I--"

"I'll see you in the meeting Ms. Logan," he deadpanned.

I stood there looking at him with my mouth wide open, unable to comprehend exactly what was happening. I knew he would be pissed and it would take a lot to get him to forgive me, but I never thought he would react like this. He wasn't even giving me a chance to apologize for God's sake. As we stared silently at each other I could see hurt in his eyes, and it killed me to know that I put it there. He looked away after a few seconds and got back to his paperwork and a few moments later I turned around and walked out the door down the hall to my own office. Closing the door behind me I slid my back down the wall behind me and let the tears flow out of my eyes.

"Em?" A soft voice called behind the door a few minutes later, "Are you in there?"

I stood up instantaneously and wiped my eyes dry trying my best to not let any more tears fall from them, "Yeah," I replied clearing my throat, "One second Jules..." I sat behind my desk taking the mirror out of my top drawer, and attempted to salvage what I could of my makeup. My eyes were a red puffy mess, but it was nothing a little concealer couldn't fix. After trying my best to hide behind a mask I called for Julie to come in.

"Hey, I just wanted to let you know they're waiting for you in Conference Room 1...are you okay?" she asked probably realizing I looked like shit the minute she looked up from her blackberry.

"Yeah," I coughed trying to make it sound like I was sick, "Just allergies. Starting early this year. Can you let them know I'll be there in a minute?"

"Sure," she replied hesitantly. "Let me know if you need anything okay?"

"I will, thanks," I smiled.

She turned around and left closing the door behind her. I fixed my hair in the small mirror before placing it back in its spot in my top drawer. I needed help...lots of help, but unfortunately the only person that could help me right now was acting like I didn't even exist.

"Hit the green button...Okay now blue. TURN RIGHT TURN RIGHT! Jesus Em, you're going to fuck up my score."

"Shut up!"

"SHOOT EMILY!"

"If you don't shut up I'll shoot you! You know when I play video games I don't know what I'm doing and I just hit buttons. I don't care to know the right way to play..."

"I don't know why I agreed to let you do this to my score. I've worked damn hard to get to where I am and you're just fucking it up..."

"You know what," I yelled getting up off the couch and throwing the controller at him, "Next time don't fucking ask me what I want to do if you're just going to complain the whole time. Take your damn controller, and have fucking fun with it Trace."

"I should have known you'd get all drama queen on me," he replied shaking his head.

"You are so right. I'm such a drama queen. You of all people should understand," I sighed pointing at him before turning around and walking to the door of the basement.

"Understand what?" he yelled standing up from his seat on the couch. I just shook my head and walked downstairs.

One perk about living in any home owned by Justin Timberlake is that there's a recording studio in the basement. Along with the studio itself it's equipped with a state of the art sound system that could blow anyone's eardrums out of their head. The day after Justin left for LA I started coming down here to get work done, and I'd turn the stereo up as loud as I could handle so that I wouldn't feel like I was alone in the house. We get at least 100 demo's a day mailed into the office, and if I'm being honest only one or two of them actually get played, and half of the time none of them ever cross Justin's path. If I have time I'll listen to a few and if I think they might be something he'd be interested in I'll pass it along to him, but Justin was never one to have interest in people that were actually out there looking for a deal. He was the kind of person that loved to find raw talent from people that had no idea they actually had any potential, and make them a star.

I popped in a demo, and sat down at the desk next to the soundboard pulling out a pile of paperwork I took home from the office after one of the most uncomfortable days in my life. I found myself tapping my foot and bobbing my head to the music, as my pile of papers got lower. I thought that this person might actually have some potential until the last song on the demo started playing. The minute I heard the first chord to "Cry Me a River" I knew this person's chance of getting signed to this label was over. Let me give you one piece of advice. If you ever think about sending a demo to Tennman Records, don't sing one of Justin's songs on it. He doesn't care if you have the best voice in the world; his biggest pet peeve is when people try to impress him by singing one of his own songs. I shook my head while picking up the remote to change the CD.

I got into a groove and started flying through paperwork. Some of the demos were impressive but I knew they wouldn't be good enough for Justin. In a way it was actually nice being able to get my mind off of everything else going on in my life and just do some work. Had I known this would be a good way to do that, I'd have started bringing my work home a lot sooner. My stack was just about gone when the music abruptly stopped, and I jump out of my seat putting my hand over my heart. "Jesus you scared the shit out of me!" I said looking back at Trace who was standing at the controls.

"Are you purposely trying to go deaf?"

"No...I just have to listen to demo's loud, I can't really explain why," I replied sitting back down.

Trace walked over to me and sat down on the desk right next to my paperwork. "I didn't even realize what the date was Em, I'm sorry..."

"It's not a big deal, you know I don't really do birthdays anyway." I picked my pen back up and signed off on another document swallowing the lump in my throat and hoping the conversation wouldn't go any further.

"It's not about your birthday...I should have been there for you today. I should have known and understood and I definitely shouldn't have been yelling at you about a stupid video game."

"It's really not a big deal Trace really. Let's just move on okay?"

"It is a big deal Emily. They were your parents--"

"And it's been 23 years," I said cutting him off. "I don't even remember them anymore. And soon I won't remember Jake either. Maybe then I'll be able to live a normal life and stop being such a bitch. I just...can't anymore."

"Can't what?" he asked putting his hand on my shoulder.

"I can't be this person anymore...this unappreciative, cold hearted, sad, pathetic, bitch of a person that treats everyone like shit because she feels like everyone should feel bad for her. I push people away that care because I'm scared I'll lose them but in the end instead of protecting myself I'm hurting me and everyone else. I deserve you yelling at me, and I deserve Justin hating me but that doesn't mean I like it."

"Do you remember that period of like 4 months in the 6th grade when I screamed at you every time you said something to me?" he asked swiveling my chair around so that I was looking at him.

"When Johnny Woodbury kept calling you a midget and stealing your lunch money?"

"Ugh his name to this day makes me cringe, but yes. I screamed at you and got pissed at you everyday, and you said you hated me because I always made you cry. But the day I told you why I was so angry, you stayed with me for the whole day and if I remember correctly threatened to cut Johnny Woodbury's balls off with a hatchet if he ever tried to talk about me or stole my lunch money again."

"It was a chainsaw, but what's your point?"

"My point is that you had every right to hate me. I treated you like shit and deserved every second of boredom when you took all of our toys in your room and wouldn't let me in. But deep down Em you didn't really hate me, because if you did you would have never stood up for me that day. We all have our days, some of us have weeks and months. Hell I think I've had a year before, but in the end the people who care about you and love you will always be there no matter how long it takes for you to get out of your funk."

"Well I've apparently been in a funk for 23 years..."

"No you haven't. You're in a funk every year around your birthday for reasons that are warranted. Your parents were murdered Emily, you don't just get over that...ever! Not to mention you lost your fiancé this year. You're not just going to magically be better after six months, and no one expects you to be."

"I guess you've never met Justin then," I replied rolling my eyes and turning my chair back to my paperwork. I started reading the page in front of me as Trace just sat there not saying a word. I reread the first sentence about 10 times before I threw the paper down and started to pace. "Look he has every right to be mad at me. He's been there for me with advice and a goddamn place to live for the past 6 months and all I've done is be a complete bitch to him. I just wish he would at least let me apologize instead of acting like we never had a friendship or anything, even if it is fucked up. It kills me to say this but I think...I think somehow I've started to depend on him. How did that fucking happen Trace?" I plopped down on the couch and put my face in my hands trying to figure out how everything got so messed up.

"Justin has been my best friend since I can remember, and you've been my sister since I was three. If there is one thing I know for a fact it's that you two are basically the same people, which is why you guys never got along growing up. Both of you are stubborn and hot headed, and you always need to be right. Sure Justin's helped you out a lot lately, but without even knowing it you've helped him too Em. So you fucked up, apologize and make a conscious effort to change."

"How am I supposed to do that if he won't even talk to me?"

"He'll talk to you trust me."

"How do you know? He was calling me Ms. Logan all day at work today Trace. He hates my guts..."

"I know because he just came home and yelled at me for being an ass to you when it was your birthday Emily."

"He did?" I asked taking my face out of my hands, "I thought he was on a date."

"Well if he was it didn't go so well because he came home alone."

"He bought me an Alf cake..."

"Oh Em," he said sitting next to me on the couch and putting his arm around my shoulder, "He doesn't know..."

"I know," I replied letting tears fall down my face. "Sorry I yelled at you today, you didn't deserve it."

"Let him come to you, make him think he won okay?" I nodded giving him a hug. "I'm going home to Bri. I'll make your birthday up to you I promise."

"Thanks. I'm going to finish up this paperwork and call it a night."

"Love you," he said as he walked up the steps.

"Love you too."

***

Three days of uncomfortable silence passed before Justin and I spoke another word to each other. I took Trace's advice and let him come to me. I was in work by 8:50am every morning, and still did the normal things around the house. I'd get home from work and cook dinner for both of us, except I'd usually eat before Justin got home whereas before I waited for him. Friday night I stayed at the office until all of my meetings were over at 7, and when I got home there was take out on the counter for me. The TV was flickering the highlights of last nights sporting events in the living room while I opened the container of my favorite sushi in front of me. I sat down at the kitchen table and spread the newspaper open to the side of my dinner. I was about to put the first piece of spicy tuna in my mouth when I heard Justin clear his throat and say something I couldn't understand really softly. I waiting with my mouth open and the piece of raw fish inches away from my mouth for him to repeat himself, and before I knew it he was standing next to me.

"I was going to watch The Office from last night..." I looked up at him putting the piece of sushi down on the plate in front of me waiting for him to say something else. "Do you want to watch it with me or...?"

"If you want me to." He nodded, not saying another word and walked back to the couch. I picked up my plate and sat down on the love seat as far away from him as possible and we watched The Office silently as I ate my sushi. Both of us were cautious not to laugh out loud, but I'd look over at him during funny parts and watch his shoulders go up and down as he laughed to himself. Every now and then I'd catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye, and deep down I was hoping this meant we got the bury the hatchet at some point today.

After the episode ended he put Sport's Center back on and I got up to clean off my plate and run the dishwasher. After I washed my hands, I turned around and let out a little squeal when he was standing right behind me. He was looking down at his hands that were folded in front of him, but didn't move or say anything to me. I stood there holding in a breath not knowing if I should walk away, say something, or wait for him to say something to me. After a good minute or so of silence I went to move out of the kitchen, but he put his hand up signaling me to stop. I stepped back leaning my back against the sink and watched his face. Every couple of seconds he'd snake his  tongue out to lick his lips, and his eyes were blinking a mile a minute. "I'm uhh...I'm going back to LA on Sunday," he finally managed to say.

"Okay," I replied now finding it hard to look at anything other then the floor. Even though we've been avoiding each other for almost a week it still felt good to have him home. Normal almost, and I didn't want him to leave again. I cleared the frog in my throat, "For how long?"

"Three weeks. Then I'll come home for a week and go back for another month."

"Okay..."

Silence filled the room again, and I was begging for something to interrupt us. A phone ringing, an explosion on TV, the doorbell, anything besides this. "So you'll uhh...you'll be okay here by yourself?"

"Yeah. I've got a lot of work to do, and I'm going to be working with Ma and Pa getting the charity for Jake set up so I'll be busy."

He nodded his head, still looking at his hands, and walked away. I closed my eyes and leaned back on the sink praying for this awkwardness to disappear and hoping for us to be able to at least talk before he left again for almost a month.

That night I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning for what felt like days, and when I looked over at the clock to see 3am staring back at me I decided to go to the living room and catch up on some of my shows. Scrolling through my DVR I settled on Grey's Anatomy, and not long after I put my head on the pillow I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up when I felt somebody put me down, and when I opened my eyes I saw Justin reaching for the comforter on my bed. He pulled it up to my chest and was taken aback when he saw me looking back at him.

"You fell asleep on the couch," he said walking towards the door.

I watched him walk out and start pulling to door closed behind him when something in me told me that it was now or never. "Justin wait," I said sitting up, and he turned around with his hand still on the knob. "Look you don't have to talk to me, but I need to talk to you."

"It's 4am..."

"I know, just give me five minutes please?" He looked up at me, and I could have sworn I saw relief in his eyes when he sat down on the end of the bed. I took a deep breath and tried to process in my head what I wanted to say before I actually said it, but all of my thoughts were jumbled up so I just went with what came out. "I don't expect you to forgive me because I don't really deserve your forgiveness, but I need to apologize. I need to apologize for taking advantage of you for the past six months, and for treating you like a piece of shit when you've been nothing but nice to me. You took me into your home without any questions asked, you've given me advice, you've sat there while I cried for hours, and you've been the only person that I've been able to open up to. All I've done is yell at you, tell you that you're wrong, and somehow make you clean up every mess I've managed to make. I realize now that in reality I'm the asshole because you've basically stopped your life to make sure that I'm okay and I didn't even appreciate it--"

"Em I--"

"Let me finish," I said putting my hand up knowing that if I stopped now I would never get the rest of it out. "Ever since I can remember I pushed people that cared about me away because I was afraid if they got too close, they'd leave like so many other people in my life have. I've clearly been successful in pushing you away, and now that you're gone I've realized how much I actually depend on you. You were the only one that was able to get me to laugh after Jake died. You walked me through every step of the grieving process, and you actually listened whenever I spoke. I was able to get up out of bed and go back to work because you were there pushing me to do it because you knew what was best for me. You made it so that I wasn't coming home to an empty house everyday, and changed your way of life around to keep mine somewhat normal. You did all of this for me, and all I've done is bitch, complain and treat you like a piece of shit. For that Justin, I am so sorry. And I promise, from here on out whether you accept my apology or not, I will do everything I can to make it up to you."

"That was quite the speech," he said after a few seconds.

"Wait there's more," I replied getting a second surge of energy. "You went to LA and I was scared. I was scared because I wasn't ready to be alone, and I thought that maybe you'd never come back. I was pissed at you because you left me here, and in my messed up brain I thought the only way I could get back at you was by just not going to work so that's what I did. I was wrong. Wrong for being pissed, and wrong for not going to work. But you need to know that I didn't go on that date to get back at you. I went on that date because my birthday was the next day, and I dread it every year because my parents got murdered on my birthday. So I thought that maybe if I went out with this guy, who was a really nice guy, I wouldn't have to think about my birthday or my parents or Jake or you being away. I knew then, and I know now that I'm not ready. So I'm sorry for doubting you, and for getting mad at you for no good reason. And I want to thank you for my necklace, it really means a lot to me. I'm just...I'm really sorry Justin, for everything that I've managed to do over the last six months. And I want you to know how grateful and how indebted I am to you."

I took in a breath and waited for him to either get up off the bed and leave or say something back to me. I saw the right side of his lip go up in a half smile, and his licked his lips for what seemed like the millionth time before he looked up at me and chuckled, "You forgot about the cake..."

In my hands I hold the key to Justin's forgiveness. Sure we talked last night and agreed to put the past in the past and move on, but the tension was still there even after he gave me a hug and went to bed. I couldn't sleep, so after a couple of hours of tossing and turning I decided to get up and go for a run. I grabbed a coffee on my way back at the General Store and picked up the newspaper on my way out. I was scanning the pages as I walked back home, but once I got to the last page my eyes bugged out of my head and I stopped to read the whole article. Without giving it much thought I threw my coffee in the nearest trashcan and sprinted back home before barging into Justin's room.

"JUSTIN RANDALL WAKE UP!!!!" I screamed while jumping on his bed. I should mention that he really is not a morning person, but I knew this information was critical for him to hear right then and there. He threw the covers over his head and turned over on his stomach in an attempt to drown me out. "Get up, get up, get up," I plopped down on the bed next to him and started poking at his shoulder, "PUHLEASE GET UP!"

"Do you want me to stab you?" said a muffled voice from under a stack of pillows, "Because I will if you don't quit poking me."

"Justin please...please, please, please. I promise you won't regret it. Just look at the back page of the newspaper and then I'll leave you alone I promise."

An arm shot out from underneath the covers after he let out a huge sigh and I put the newspaper in his hand. He carefully lifted the pillow that was over his head just enough to let a small amount of light in so that he could see the page. I sat there holding my breath as he struggled to read the huge headline. After no more then 3 seconds he flung the newspaper back at me spraying the black and white pages across the bed. "I don't do auctions Emily. If your friend wants a date with me all she has to do is ask..."

"You didn't read any of it did you Mr. Ego?"

"Sure I did. I read the word auction, now can you please leave me alone so that I can go back to sleep?"

"It's for Big Creek Justin."

"What is?"

"The auction you idiot. They're auctioning off Big Creek..."

He threw the pillows off of his head and sat up in a matter of seconds, ripping the back page out of my hand so that he could read the entire article. His face made about 30 expressions in the 5 minutes it took him to read, and re-read the printing on the page about 5 times. "Get me my phone," he said not looking up from the newspaper.

"I'm not your personal assis-"

"I'm naked-"

"Okay, okay. Getting your phone," I replied reaching over to the nightstand to grab his blackberry. I placed it in his hand and watched him scroll down his list of contacts before quickly pressing the green send button.

His finger was tapping the paper and he was mumbling something under his breath while he waited for whoever he was calling to answer the phone. "Come on...come on..." he whispered, before his eyes finally came off of the paper in front of him with a mix of excitement and fear in his eyes, "Ma...Dad, I need Dad. I'm fine, I just need to talk to Dad...Yes...No...MAMA! Put Dad on the phone!" I've never in the 23 years that I've known him, heard him yell at his mother like that. I knew he'd be excited about this, but I've never seen him act like this. He's like a little kid in a candy shop with the look of hunger in his eyes. "Dad! Did you read the Star? Go get it...Last page..." He looked up at me nervously while he waited for his father to read about the auction, and I knew in that moment that we'd made it through the storm and everything was going to be okay.

A mere 8 hours after Justin finally decided to listen to me and read the last page of that newspaper, he and his parents were just one step away from being the owners of there very own golf course. Everything after the phone call happened so fast I could barely keep up, which was partially due to the fact that I didn't really want to. I've known Lynn and Paul practically my entire life, and the dynamic that that family has is something that any person would wish for for there own family. The fact that I didn't really have that always made me feel just a little uncomfortable, but Justin insisted that I went with them to pitch an offer to the bank, and he held onto the bottom of my shirt while the big wigs ran some numbers and came back in the room with there decision. I watched his eyes scan each person as they sat back down at the conference table and tried to mentally tell him to calm down but his leg kept shaking and his fingers kept tapping the arm of the chair. He was understandably nervous; a dream that he didn't know he had until a few hours ago now lied in the hands of the 4 people in front of him. For some reason instinct took over and I reached over to him holding his leg down, and his eyes darted over to look at me. A moment later he placed his free hand on top of mine and we waited for what seemed like forever for their decision.

"Mr. Timberlake...Mr. and Mrs. Harless," his hand squeezed mine enough for me to start losing feeling in it. I wiggled it out of his grasp and locked my fingers with his, in hopes I'd be able to save my hand from possible amputation. "We've run a credit check on all of you, and had a talk about your offer. There are many pro's and con's we had to discuss, but we've come to a conclusion." I looked quickly over at Justin and for  the first time in my life saw fear of the unknown splashed across his face. "As you know the auction for Big Creek is tonight, but we know that we won't get an offer like yours or even anything close to it. However, the money isn't what really matters here." Suddenly I was filled with nerves, if they weren't going to let him have it for the money then they weren't going to let him have it at all, and I knew somehow it would be turned into my fault if he didn't walk out of this building with the title of Golf Course Owner after his name on a business card. "Having the name Justin Timberlake associated with the course is something that can be a bit scary for us because we know that it will draw some unwanted attention to not only the course but to Millington itself. Now don't get me wrong, the extra revenue would be great for the town, but along with the extra revenue comes extra Police details and security so some if not all of the extra would go towards that."

"The bottom line here is Mr. Timberlake," the second woman started, "Big Creek means a lot to the people of Millington. Like yourself many people took their first swing at that course, and as of the last couple of years it's just gone downhill. We know that you have the contacts and resources to restore Big Creek to the way it use to be, or maybe even something better. Ultimately that is what we want for the course, and we are all in agreeance that even though it may cause a few problems here and there, you are the right person to buy it," she finished with a huge smile on her face.

My free hand went over my mouth to hold in the squeal of excitement that was about to come out of it, and Justin let out the breath he had been holding in since we sat down and began the meeting. I turned my head to the right and saw Lynn and Paul give each other a quick hug before we all shook hands with the people on the opposite end of the conference table. They all walked out of the room to draw up the paperwork and the minute we all heard the door click behind them we all jumped up and let out the excitement we had been holding in. Almost as if he'd been doing it for years, Justin wrapped his arms around my waist, picked me up and spun me around while giving me the tightest hug I've ever felt in my life. He placed me back on the ground and put his hands on each side of my face. A chill went down my spine almost instantaneously, and I closed my eyes to shake the feeling away. "This never would have happened without you Emmy, thank you so much!"

"I just found an article Justin, you did the...wait did you just...don't..." I took a step back when I felt his mother come up next to me and watched her wrap her arms around his neck. Did he just call me Emmy? He did, he said 'This never could have happened without you Emmy,' and I didn't feel the sudden urge to burst out in to tears. He wouldn't call me Emmy though, he knows. I must have just been imagining it, because if he did there's no doubt in my mind I would have slapped him.

"...EM!" I felt tapping on my shoulder and I snapped out of my daze looking up at Justin, "Call Trace we're going out for drinks."

I pointed my finger at him in thought, "Did you just...before when you said..."

"What? What's the matter?"

I shook my head, "Nothing...I'll call Trace."

***

Three hours later, after all of the paperwork was signed we arrived at Morrie's Tavern. It was a small bar in Millington that I'd been going to since before I turned 21. See Morrie has owned this bar for over 60 years, and even though he knew everyone in Millington he never seemed to check ID's or remember exactly how old we were before serving us. He was so old that he probably forgot that he had just been at our house to celebrate Trace's 18th when we had gone in the next day for some shots.

I watched Justin and Trace from my seat at the bar walk over to the Jukebox and laugh before they hit a couple of button's and Kool and the Gang started filling the somewhat silent bar. By the time Justin got on the dance floor a few hours later and started doing "The Hustle" we had all managed to get highly intoxicated. My glazed eyes were watching as he stood on the dance floor by himself, unknowingly entertaining everyone sitting in the bar when Trace finally decided to stop dry humping Bri in the corner by the bathroom and let her come sit with me. "Looks like you two finally made up."

"Finally is right," I replied hooking the neck of a beer bottle in between my pointer and middle finger and taking a sip. "You know...sometimes I feel bad for you Bri."

"Why is that?"

I pointed to the dance floor with the bottle of Corona, "That's why," I said watching Trace attempt to do the Macarena. "If you two ever get married, let me give you one piece of advice." I took another swig of beer and pounded the empty bottle down on the bar getting the attention of the bartender to get another one, "Do NOT have music at your reception."

"Hey!" She yelled punching me in the shoulder, "I think he's pretty sexy when he dances, plus...he's your brother."

"Not by blood sweetie. Trust me, I may not be a fabulous dancer but at least I have some rhythm."

"Well, they can't all be like your man Em..."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked turning quickly to face her, but was met with her face spinning in front of me. I closed my eyes and tried to focus so that when I reopened them there would just be one of her.

"Oh come on Emily, do you really think I'm that stupid? Anyone with a pair of working eyes can tell that you guys are dating."

"You have lost your damn mind girl. We absolutely are not dating."

"Say what you want, but I see right through you. The way you fight, the way you two look at each other. I saw you guys brush hands a million times tonight, and you don't just live with America's Most Wanted Bachelor for seven months and at least not try something with him."

"Maybe you don't, but I do. Justin and I are friends Bri."

"Sure...Friends," she said putting air quotes around the word. "Because I would totally bring my friend with me to buy a golf course, and employ her as the President of my Record Label," she laughed.

The minute she finished her sentence I was immediately sober, and I was fuming. I looked over to the dance floor attempting to make eye contact with either Justin or Trace before I went off on this girl but was unsuccessful. "Look," I started calmly, "The only thing that is keeping me from punching you in the face right now is the fact that you are my brothers girlfriend, and you're drunk. We're not dating, we never will be dating, and the fact that you seem to think you know us when in reality the only thing you really know is what you hear from my brother makes me want to do physical harm to you. So I would appreciate it, if you'd stop insinuating that Justin and I are dating."

"Whatever you say," she replied rolling her eyes at me before turning to face the bar. I looked back out on the dance floor and managed to make eye contact with Justin who was on the floor doing the worm. Suddenly it wasn't so entertaining anymore and I was annoyed because Bri totally killed my buzz. "There's no shame in dating him Emily, I don't know why you won't just admit it."

I stood up behind her and put my face right to her ear, "Say it one more time sweetheart..."

"What is your problem?"

"My problem is that you don't know me, and you don't know Justin. I'm letting you live in my fucking house and you have some balls to come up to me and question the things that I'm saying. You're my brothers girlfriend, so I'm suppose to like you but that's all gone down the drain now."

"You should probably be more specific. I live in the house that you shared with your dead fiancée. You know the one that you can't stand to be in..."

I told myself over and over again not to hit her. We were out celebrating. It was Justin's night and I've done enough shit to him in the past 7 months and I shouldn't add onto it. But the minute she use the dead fiancée thing it was over for me. "You're going to be dead in a minute if you don't shut your botox filled mouth you dumb bitch."

"Any girl would kill to date him. I don't know-"

"Would you? Huh? Would you rather be dating Justin then my brother?" I asked raising my voice just a little bit.

"Is he really your brother? You're not blood right? And I mean..."

I grabbed a chunk of her nasty ratty hair in my hand and tugged on it just hard enough to make it sting. "You are a gold digging slut and I hope you rot in hell."

"Oh like Jake?"

With that comment I balled my fingers into a fist and raised my hand to punch her in the mouth. However, the dumb bitch punched me right in the eye before I was able to make contact. Next thing I knew we were rolling around out the ground, punching and slapping each other anywhere we could get a hold of. The music came to a sudden halt and I could hear people screaming around us. Every now and then she was able to get a jab in, and I was quite shocked at how hard the girl could actually throw a punch. I could taste blood in my mouth and figured I should just spit it out at her which is exactly what I did the minute I felt someone pull me off of her. Since I saw her being lifted up off of the ground by her arms by Trace I could only assume that Justin was the one that had me by the elbows. I drew my hand up to my lips and saw blood all over my fingers when I took them off, she however looked like she was just run over by a Mac Truck and for that I was quite proud.

"What the fuck!" I heard Trace yell over all the commotion going on around us.

"Your sister has anger management problems baby," Bri replied on the verge of fake tears.

"I have anger management problems? You are a menace to society sweetheart," I said feeling a burst of energy hit me and I managed to get out of Justin's grasp and go at her, but he grabbed me by the back of my shirt just as I was about to make contact with her face again and pulled me back.

"Let's go Emily...It's time to get you home," I heard Justin say calmly in my ear as he began to pull me towards the door.

"Don't listen to a word she says to you Trace. The gold digging slut is only dating you to get closer to Justin!" I yelled before the door to the bar closed shut behind me.

It wasn't until I was actually sitting in the car that I realized how badly I was hurt. My face felt like it was blowing up like a balloon and every time I moved or blinked it was like knives going in and out me. Justin sat in the drivers seat next to me, and took a deep breath throwing his keys in the cup holder next to us. "I'm sorry I ruined your night," I said now feeling 100 times worse then I did before I got into a bar room bitch fight. "You can hate me again, I totally deserve it."

"I don't hate you," he replied looking at me with nothing but concern in his eyes, "I can't hate you Emmy."

"Emmy..."

"Sorry I-"

"No," I replied without an hesitation, "You don't have to be sorry."

I watched him lift his hand off of the steering wheel and wipe blood off of my lip, "Lets go home..."

"Is there a class in high school that teaches girls how to fight? Because if there is whoever teaches it should be fired."

"Has anyone ever told you how unfunny you are?" I asked Justin as he reached out to put an ice pack that was wrapped up in a facecloth on my swollen eye. "Owwww!" The cold ice made my eye start pulsating in pain so I reached up and slapped his hand away.

"Are we going to do this the hard way or the easy way?" he asked looking at me like Pa use to when he would scold me as a child. I rolled my eyes at him and only hissed in for a few seconds when he put the ice back on my eye. "Have you talked to Trace?"

I scoffed at the mention of my idiotic brothers name, "Not since last night when he told me to go to anger management classes and hung up on me. Stupid, pussy whipped asshole."

"Tell me how you really feel now..."

"Look if he doesn't want to believe me that's his prerogative, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I mean I got into a bar brawl last night defending his ass, it would be nice if he showed some appreciation."

"More like a bitch fight, but you can go with bar brawl if that makes you feel any better..."

"Do you want to be on my shitlist too Timberlake? Because I won't hesitate to put you on there," I replied grabbing the ice pack out of his hand to hold it up myself.

He put his hands up in defeat and shook his head, "Please...spare me!"

We sat in the living room staring blankly at the TV in silence. We got home last night and didn't really say much to each other until he asked me what happened after I managed to get my mouth to stop bleeding and my eye to stop swelling anymore then it already was. I told him everything he needed to know, like how the bitch bag was dating Trace just to get closer to him, but left some of the other parts out. He didn't need to know that the fight started off about him, or that I punched her because of what she said about Jake. He knew the important details; the ones that matter in the lives of all of us and the rest didn't really matter in the end.

"Hey Em?"

I snapped out of my own head when I heard Justin call my name with a little worry in his voice, "Hmm?"

"Can I ask you a question?" I nodded giving him side eyes, as my mind raced with things that he could possibly be scared to ask me about. I watched him take his feet off of the coffee table and take a sip of the tall glass of ice water sitting next to him. He placed the cup back down on the coaster, swiping his tongue over his bottom lip. "Last night...Why did you let me call you Emmy?"

Even though it's been the only thing I've really been thinking about since he said it last night, it was the last thing I expected him to ask me, not to mention a question I didn't really have an answer to. I took the icepack off of my eye and put it down on the coffee table in front of me. I reached for my own glass of water and listened as the ice cubes clinked against the glass as I tipped it back into my mouth before realizing that Justin's gaze was still on me waiting for my answer. "I don't really know to be honest with you," I said in a whisper. "It just...it didn't hurt."

"Is that a good thing?"

I shrugged my shoulders before placing the glass back on its respective coaster, "I guess."

"I didn't do it on purpose, it just kind of slipped..."

"It's okay Justin, I promise. Shouldn't you be packing or something?" I asked quickly trying to change the subject.

"Nope, we're all packed," he replied picking up the remote to turn the channel from ESPN to a football game, "We have to be at the airport around 1, so we've got plenty of time to catch up on some good ol' football until then."

"Shouldn't you be, oh I don't know, figuring out what you're going to do with the golf course you now own?"

"We've got plenty of time to figure that out in LA."

"Who is this we you keep speaking of? Is Trace going with you?"

He rolled his eyes and let out a weird chuckle, "Pft, Trace. He won't be going anywhere with me until he gets his act together. Who the hell does he think he is treating you the way he did last night? I mean I know the guy has a complex because he's so short, but he should probably realize that he should be trusting you and not the blonde bimbo."

"Whoa, whoa, calm down killa! Tell me how you really feel," I said with a chuckle throwing his words right back at him. He didn't say anything, but got up abruptly throwing the remote at me. I tried to knock it away with my hand that wasn't holding ice up to my swollen eye but missed and it hit me right in the mouth, "Christ Justin!" I yelled right before I could taste blood in my mouth again.

"Jesus Em! You were suppose to catch that," he said running over to me.

"I'm a little disabled over here if you haven't noticed." He took the ice from my eye and put in on my lip while reaching for a tissue on the table next to me. He dipped the tissue in my water squeezing out the excess and put the now soaking wet puddle of goop on my eye. He had one knee on the couch and his other foot on the ground and he was looking around the room like a lost child trying to find his mother and all I could do was laugh at him.

"What did we do with the first aid...What?" he asked looking down at me, "What the hell is so funny? I'm trying to help and all you can-"

"JUSTIN!" I yelled through a giggle, stopping him before he actually got mad, "You're a little backwards." I reached up and rearranged his hands so that the ice was on my eye and the wet tissue was on my lip.

"Oh," he said sitting down with a sigh. I swatted his hands away and held up the ice and wet tissue on my own looking at him with my one good eye. He threw his head back on the couch closing his eyes, and for the first time I realized how tired he looked.

"Hey," I elbowed him in his stomach, and he put his arm around the back of the couch replying with a sigh. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing..."

"Do you expect me to believe that?"

"I do," he replied getting up quickly but not before patting my head like a dog, "Let's go Shelly we've got a lot to do before we leave to get you looking like a normal human being again."

"What this look doesn't suite me?"

"It suites you just fine for Millington. LA...not so much," he put his hand out for me to take and I just looked at him as I cocked my head to the side. "Let's go Logan, times tickin' away."

"Whoa whoa whoa. Hold on a damn second there sparky. Do you think I'm going to LA with you? Because last time I checked you hadn't even asked me if I was available."

"I don't think. I know."

"I have things to do here. I do have a job you know. That I have no vacation or sick time left at..."

"I have an in with your boss," he replied with a smirk, "Plus, Tennman Records headquarters are in LA, so there's an office waiting for you there."

"Justin I can't just pick up and go, I have things here, people..."

"Do you like your job?" he asked glaring at me.

"You can't do that, it's illegal!"

"I just did." I stared at him not knowing exactly what to do. Did I want to go to LA? Sure. Who would rather be in Tennessee then in LA? But it was the way he was doing this that made me upset. He can't just expect me to go with him wherever he wants me to; I'm not his personal assistant, or his personal bitch for that matter. He gave up on his death glare and sat back down next to me throwing his back against the arm of the couch and his feet over my legs. "I can't just leave you here with Bri on the loose and Trace acting the way he's acting. Plus, we really have to tie up some loose ends with Esmee and I'm not going to be able to do that with you being here and me being there. So how about you stop trying to make excuses to not go, give in, let me win and we'll get you cleaned up."

No is what my brain told me to say but what came out was, "Fine," and within seconds I was up in the bathroom tending to my bleeding lip and putting pounds of concealer over my swollen eye.

***

A week in LA with Justin felt like a year anywhere else in the world. From the moment we stepped out of the airport it was like chaos 24/7, unless I was in the confines of Justin's house or my office. There were pictures of us on the cover of every magazine in circulation, and it took me a good 15 minutes to drive out of a parking spot at any Starbucks within a 30-mile radius of Justin's house. It was to be expected as the same thing happened when I came to LA with him a few months ago, but it was still annoying as hell. Other then that though, I was having the time of my life. I didn't have to deal with people checking up on me every five minutes with a phone call or an unannounced visit, and who knew there were about a million more things to do in LA then in the entire state of Tennessee.

My life somehow became 100 times busier, and work was taking up a huge chunk of my time especially since I somehow inherited handling most of the logistics of the golf course. I've seen Justin for maybe a total of five hours the entire time we've been here, and honestly, I'm kind of starting to miss him. We're meeting tonight for dinner at Katsuya and I feel like I have so much to tell him. He's been working the strangest hours filming the movie, and I've been at the office so much it's almost like we don't even live together anymore.

I left the office extra early today so that I'd have enough time to sit in traffic and get ready before dinner. I was in the bathroom taking rollers out of my hair when I heard my phone ringing in the living room downstairs. Why I left it downstairs is beyond me, but I started taking the stairs two at a time so that I'd get to it before it went to voicemail. I slammed my leg into the coffee table causing me to come to a complete stop and hit the green button before I even put the phone to my ear.

"Ow, shit! Hello?"

"He-Hello?" I heard an English accent question on the other end of the phone.

"Hello?" I said again pulling the phone away from my ear to look at the caller ID on the screen. Andrew. Do I know an Andrew?

"Hello?"

"YES HI!" I said annoyed wondering when this back and forth hello was going to stop.

"Oh I'm sorry...Sorry I must have the wrong number."

"Who are you looking for?"

"Sorry I was looking for Justin, but you're obviously not Justin. Unless somehow you've turned into a female since the last time I saw you."

"No, I'm not Justin but...wait what Justin are you looking for?" I asked now totally confused as to why I'd be getting a call from one of Justin's friends on my phone.

"Well this is going to sound quite strange to you probably, but I was trying to ring Justin Timberlake."

"Huh," I replied reaching down to my knee that was still throbbing in pain. I took the phone off of my ear again and looked at the screen, Andrew. Who the hell is Andrew? I put the phone back up to my ear and I was about to tell him that Justin must have mistaken our numbers when I heard a phone ring upstairs. "What the hell-"

"I'm sorry to have disturbed you, have a good day."

"NO!" I yelled, realizing that I had run downstairs to answer Justin's phone and not mine, "No, no. Sorry, I ran down to answer the phone so fast I didn't even realize it was Justin's phone ringing and not mine, but now my phone is ringing upstairs so clearly you've actually dialed the right number and...and I don't know why I'm telling you all this."

I heard a chuckle on the other end of the phone as I threw myself down on the couch, "This must be the famous Emily."

"Okay, I'm officially creeped out," I replied jokingly, "Who is this?"

"My names Andrew, I'm doing a movie with Justin. We've heard a lot about you Emily, I feel like I know you...Anyway, I haven't seen him in a while and I wanted to go over some stuff with him before we start filming again next week, is he around?"

"No he's not back from...wait a minute did you say you don't start filming again until next week?"

"That I did."

"Just you or everyone?"

"All of us. The director had a death in his family so we've had some time off. Did Justin not tell you?"

"Must have slipped his mind. He's been so busy, you must know how he is by now," I replied getting up off the couch practically running to the kitchen to find some clues as to where the hell the lying asshole as been for the past week and a half.

"He's always on the go that guy."

"He really is," I said sifting through all of the paper on the counter and in the drawers. I started throwing things that gave me no indication of his where abouts on the floor. I flung what looked like a box behind me but in reality it was a salt shaker which dispersed all over the kitchen when the ceramic holder broke into a million little pieces, but I didn't care because I found a clue. I held the blue sticky note up and read the address on it a couple of times, "Caught," I said out loud not even realizing that I was still on the phone.

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh God. Nothing, sorry. Look I'll tell Justin you called okay?"

"Great, thanks! It was nice talking to you Emily."

"You too, bye." I hung up the phone and threw it on the island behind me before running upstairs and straight into Justin's office where I grabbed my date book and stuck the post-it inside. Tomorrow, I thought to myself, tomorrow I'll catch him in his lie.

***

I got to the restaurant a half hour before Justin decided to make his entrance. So typical of him to be late. I knew he was coming in when I suddenly heard screaming over the soft music and lights were flashing in the dimly lit building. I took a sip of my margarita and tapped my fingers against the table when I saw his tall frame approaching the table.

"Hey, sorry I'm late. It's like a zoo out there," he said sitting down at the table and taking a sip of his water.

"I know. I went through that zoo 30 minutes ago, which is how long I've been sitting here waiting for you."

"I said I was sorry Em. I left my phone at the house so I could call."

"I know," I replied throwing his phone across the table, "Andrew called."

"Thanks." The waiter walked over and asked Justin what he wanted to drink, "I'm good with the water thanks, but I think we're ready to order," he looked up at me and I nodded. He placed our order, knowing that I always got the same thing when we got sushi, and went right to checking his E-Mails when the waiter walked away.

"Are you pregnant?"

"Excuse me?" he chuckled looking up at me with a weird look on his face.

"You must be pregnant if your not drinking. I can't remember the last time we went out, or hell even ate dinner at home and you didn't have a drink in front of you."

"I'm driving."

"And when has that ever stopped you from having a drink?"

"I just don't want a drink, why is that such a big deal to you?"

"It's not a big deal I'm just wondering why you don't want a drink that's all."

"I just don't okay?"

I put my hands up in the air to let him know that I surrender, as the waiter put a bowl of edemame in front of us. Justin rolled his eyes and put his phone in his pocket, and I watched his every move trying to figure out what he could possibly be hiding. "So, how was your day?" I finally asked when we were half way through the bowl.

"Long. Tiring. David does a million takes which is fine, and I support it but it can take a lot out of you."

"Mmmm. Did you film a lot of scenes today?"

"Like, two or three. Which is good."

"Were you in all of them?"

"Yes. Why are you asking me a million questions about the movie? We haven't actually had a chance to sit down and talk for a while and you want to talk about filming?"

"I was just asking about your day Justin. I'm sorry if that offends you."

"It doesn't offend me, it just...can we just talk about something else?" I picked up a piece of sushi that was placed in front of us and popped it into my mouth, motioning with my chopsticks that we could now knowing for sure that he was hiding something big from me. "How was work today?"

"Fine."

"Did you figure out the whole landscaping situation with the course?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Have you talked to Trace?"

"Nope."

"Do you plan on answering my questions with more then one word at any point in time?"

"Maybe."

"This is going to be a fun dinner."

"Yep."

I haven't pulled an all nighter since college, nor have I ever had this much coffee in my life. Dinner last night was nothing short of hostile. I gave him ample opportunity to admit that he wasn't actually filming, even at one point hinting that I knew something was up but he stuck with his story. Besides the constant back and forth put downs, dinner consisted of silence and more then a dozen heavy sighs coming from both ends of the table. Luckily for both of us, we took separate cars, so after our awkward goodbye inside the restaurant nothing else was spoken the entire night except when Justin yelled down the stairs to me that he had a 4:30am call time in the morning.

I was nothing short of pissed off. I know that I've treated Justin like shit for more then half of our newfound friendship, but I was pretty sure we had put that behind us. We had what I thought was that messed up best friend relationship that every girl dreams of having with a guy. You know, the one where the guy is like your brother but you're not as close to him as your real brother so you can actually tell him things you wouldn't tell a real member of your family. Then at the same time he's so much like your brother that neither one of you harbor any sort of romantic feelings towards each other so you don't have worry about things getting confusing. But now that I know he's been lying to me for God only knows how long, I wouldn't call what we have anything more then a roommate situation.

The plan was to stay up all night so that I could hear Justin leave at the ass crack of dawn, wait a few minutes and then drive to the address that I found on the post-it note. There was no guarantee that this was his destination for the day, but my gut feeling was telling me that it probably was. Once I heard the garage door close behind him, I threw the blankets off of my already clothed body and got up off of the couch that I was pretending to be asleep on. I filled up my travel mug with my 7th cup of coffee and made my way out to Justin's white Audi, not to be confused with his black Audi that is off limits to anyone but the king himself. My mind was racing all night trying to figure out what he could possibly be hiding, and there were two things that I managed to get the list down to. He was either having an affair with a married woman, or he was on drugs. He knew I would never support either one of those things which is why he would have to hide it from me, but unfortunately for him, he's done a shitty job doing so.

The GPS informed me that my destination was on the left about 25 minutes after I pulled out of the gate in Beverly Hills that sheltered the house that I had called home for the past week and a half from crazed fans. Even though it was still dark out, I knew right off the bat it was by no means a persons home, or a soundstage that a movie was being filmed on. Suddenly my heart began to beat a little bit faster, and my nerves went into full speed, which caused me to grip the steering wheel as tightly as possible. When I turned into the parking lot I immediately turned the headlights off for fear of being spotted by anyone and parked right next to the culprits car. Turns out my detective skills were better then I expected. There were more cars in the parking lot then I ever expected at 5am, and my eyes were drawn to the bright lights on top of the building. Two of the lights were out on the letters that told me the name of the building, but even without those letters my heart dropped into my stomach.

I wasn't sure if wanted to get out of the car. In fact, I actually put the car in reverse before I realized I had to find out for myself what his deal was. It was a public building, very public in fact. I'd never been in it, but I've seen it time and time again on Entertainment News shows. I wasn't really sure how I was going to find him because asking around for Justin Timberlake in a public building will never get you very far, but as I walked up to the revolving doors of the building I remembered a conversation we had months ago about how he was going to use an alias from now on at the office in Tennessee. It was after a long night of me making him watch chick flicks with me that his secret obsession with Pretty Woman started. From then on if people came in looking for him they had to use his alias, and if they didn't know it, they weren't allowed back to see him.

"Hi, I'm looking for Edward Lewis," I said to the receptionist behind the desk of the brightly lit lobby, "Could you tell me what room he's in?"

She looked at me with shock in her eyes, not really knowing what to do, and I thought to myself that maybe I should have been a CSI because I was coming up successful in everything that had to do with this investigation. "D-Did you say Edward Lucas Miss?"

I knew she didn't misunderstand me because we were the only two people in the lobby and I was sure I had said it clearly, but I repeated myself just for effect, "I'm sorry, no. Lewis, Edward Lewis."

"We um...We have a couple of Edward Lewis' registered here this morning. Could you um...Could you please confirm some information for me?"

"Sure thing Ms, I'm sorry I didn't catch your name."

"Leanne, Leanne Walters."

"Well sure thing Ms Walters," I replied turning on the little Southern charm that I managed to learn, but getting quite antsy. I knew however, that she was probably scared shitless that she was about to send a fan up to Justin Timberlake by accident and get her ass canned.

"Date of Birth?"

"January 31, 1981."

"Middle initial?"

"R."

"Mother's maiden name?"

"Bomar."

"Contact phone number?" And on and on and on. I sat there for a good ten minutes answering question after question and I could tell with each and every one I got right she was getting more and more nervous and I was getting more and more annoyed.

"Look," I whispered getting closer to her so that the invisible people in the lobby couldn't hear, "I'm not a fan okay? I'm his friend and I've been staying at his place while I'm here visiting. He left his keys at home and I'm just here to drop them off to him," I said coming up with that last bit out of nowhere. She looked at me and then behind her to see if there was anyone there she could consult with at the desk behind her labeled "Supervisor" but when she saw no one she turned back to me.

"It's just that Mr. Timb- Mr. Lewis doesn't have anyone listed on his Visitor's list today."

"That's because he didn't realize he had forgotten his house keys until he was already in the building...Look," I shifting my weight from my right leg to my left while folding my hands on the desk, "I just want to give him his keys, if it makes you feel any better you can take them to him, but you need to decide quick because I'm going to be late for an appointment," I said hoping that would prove to her that I wasn't some crazy stalker, but at the same time taking a huge chance.

She looked over my shoulder, and then quickly behind her again before whispering, "Room 521," to me followed by, "If anyone asks, I didn't tell you that." I let out the breath that I didn't even realize I was holding in before thanking her and walking to the elevators to my right.

I looked at the directory above the elevator buttons, my eyes scanned down to the 5th floor and I didn't like what I saw, not one bit. I jumped when the elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Stepping inside I hit the big 5 watching it light up, and closed my eyes now praying that I wasn't about to see what I thought I was going to. It seemed like forever before the elevator doors opened again, and I was met with a crisp white hallway with pink chairs lining the walls. I nodded to the person behind the desk and wasn't stopped or questioned at all. My heart was marinating in my stomach, and I felt really light headed. My knees began to shake so much that I had to sit down outside of room 517, not knowing if I was going to be able to make it 2 doors down. I closed my eyes putting my head in my hand and a few seconds later I heard him. He was singing a Disney song, and if my brain was actually working I'd be able to tell you what movie it was from but at that moment I couldn't really think. I could kind of hear a little girls voice accompanying him during the chorus, and once I heard her laugh relief set in and I was able to stand up and make my way down the hallway to Room 521.

The door was cracked open and I could see the back of his head, and the smile on the little girls face as he started to sing another song. Why he would hide volunteer work from me I'll never know, but at least he wasn't snorting lines of cocaine. I pushed the door open a little bit and my heart managed to get back to a somewhat normal pace and began to travel back to its correct location when I realized that I was worrying for nothing. That is until the door opened completely and another one of my worst nightmares became a reality.

He looked normal, just like he did last night at dinner. He had on a pair of jeans and a button down, typical Timberlake attire, but there was one difference. On the top of his hand there was an IV that was attached to a bag of clear dripping fluid, and sitting on top of his blue designer jeans was a pink basin. Suddenly it all made sense. The lies, the early nights, the late mornings, him dragging me to LA with him, the sudden want to shave his head, the no alcohol, his exhaustion after a day of rest, the extreme weight loss that he claimed was for the movie, and the word Oncology next to the 5th floor on the directory downstairs in the lobby of Cedar Sinai Hospital. Everything came together, and at the same time everything inside of me was tearing apart.

"Hi!" The little girl sitting across from him with the same tube coming out of her hand said excitedly after realizing that someone was standing there. I tried to speak but nothing came out, and I could feel tears forming in my eyes. When I didn't say anything I watched as he turned around to see who was there, and his face went from white to whiter when he saw me standing there.

"Emily what...what are you doing here?" My entire body began shaking uncontrollably, and I had to lean against the wall in order to stay standing. It felt like my throat was closing, and my body was shutting down. It felt like a nightmare. It felt exactly the same way it felt when that doctor appeared behind Trace last October. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. All I wanted to do was punch something, and scream at God or whoever made this happen, but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything except slide down the wall and cry.

In what seemed like the far off distance I heard him push the button for the nurses station and ask for someone to come in and take the IV out. I managed to see through blurred vision a doctor come into the room through a side door, fight with him, but in the end surrender and take the IV out of his hand. I also watched as his nose scrunched up in pain when it came out, and I sat there silently crying unable to move a muscle in my body. I saw him stand up holding onto the arm of the chair a little bit longer then normal before he started walking over to me, and it took him a minute to catch his bearings enough to slide down the wall next to me. I knew in my head that it was my turn to be there for him. It was my turn to give him everything he has given me. But I was so shocked, and so scared, and so emotionally weak that I couldn't do any of that.

I felt his hand that wasn't covered in bandages go in mine, and felt his breath on the top of my head when I put my head on his chest. "It's not as bad as you think," he said softly rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb. "It's called Acute Myelogenous Leukemia, but I usually just stick with AML. They caught it really early Em, and after this week they're 99% sure I'll be in remission and it'll be like nothing ever happened. I'm not going to lose all my hair, and I'm not going to be shut off to the world. It's just these two weeks, a couple of tests and then it's over." He stopped talking and I desperately tried to stop sobbing. I felt his chin on the top of my head as I attempted to comprehend everything he had just said, but the only word that stuck with me was Leukemia.

"Don't leave me," I managed to get out when I finally caught my breath.

I felt him lift his head back up, and he put his finger under my chin pushing it up, "Look at me," he said when I was facing him but my eyes continued to roam the cold floor underneath me. After a couple of minutes my eyes locked with his and I could see a puddle around his blue eyes. I lifted my free hand and wiped under his eyes with my thumb, catching the tears before they could fall. "I'm not going anywhere," he said in a shaky voice, "I'm not leaving."

"Don't leave," I said again, not knowing what I would do without him.

"I'm not leaving Emily."

"Good," I replied wiping my own tears away, "Because I...I need you Justin. Just...Just please don't leave me okay? You can call me whatever you want, make me do stupid mundane things, I don't care. Just don't leave me."

"I'm not leaving."

***

Last night I imagined I could be in a million different places today. I saw myself walking into a crack house, a recording studio, a mega mansion with extensive security and a wife that was cheating on her husband, an alleyway, hell in one scenario I even saw myself walking into a jail. Never once did the thought of walking into a hospital room to find my best friend hooked up to an invasive drug cross my mind. All the signs were there. They were right in front of me, but I didn't pick up on them because I was too focused on myself.

I've never been so scared before in my life. With Jake, everything happened so fast I didn't have the time to be scared. It went from shock, to anger, to misery, to depression in less then an hour. There was never a chance with him, no hope, no what if's. One minute he was here, and the next he wasn't. And at this point I don't know what's worse; having it happen all at once, or being so scared you don't know what to do with yourself because you don't know what the outcome is going to be. The what if's running through your head over and over and over again can make you go insane. What if it's that 1%? What if it comes back? What if it breaks him? What if he's never the same again? What if he dies? What if he gets taken away from me? What if he gets taken away from his family? His friends? His fans? You can try all you want to not ask yourself those questions, but they'll always be there chipping away at your sanity piece by piece.

I managed to pull myself together after a good 15 minutes on the floor of room 521. One of the nurses pulled in an extra chair from the hallway and I sat there watching as they reconnected Justin's IV with my chin resting on my knees. I met the doctors and nurses that had been caring for him, and I got to know Chloe, the seven year old that was sharing the same experience with him. It was all somewhat of an outer body experience for me, and although I paid attention to everything that was going on around me my focus was mainly on Justin. His face, his mannerisms, the constant clearing of his throat, and every now and then the wince of pain that he'd let out. I saw him lick his lips over and over again, and when he swallowed a big gulp 3 times in a row I knew he was trying to hold back throwing up, but the minute he couldn't anymore I was next to him with a wet cloth and a cup of water. He'd been doing this alone for 10 days, and that was going to end today. I knew he was embarrassed when he told me time and time again he didn't need help, but he's going to have to get over it because he's getting help.

When we got home we didn't talk about it. In fact we talked about everything other then that even though it was the only thing both of us really wanted to talk about. Suddenly everything he did became more pronounced to me, and I was kicking myself for not realizing how blatantly obvious it was that something was wrong. I watched him walk down the hall at least three times and have to stop and hold onto the wall to catch his balance. He took a slew of pills when we sat down to eat dinner for the first time together since we got here. Had I been around more often I would have noticed that he's been eating nothing but soup and pudding for dinner. We sat down after dinner to catch up on the TV that we've missed, he fell asleep about 15 minutes into it and I found myself moving from the loveseat to the couch next to him only to fall asleep soon after.

I woke up the minute he moved and I was in a state of panic. I was on edge, I guess that's to be expected after a day like today, but I wondered then if I'd be like this forever. He smiled at me like nothing was wrong, turned the TV off and started walking towards the stairs to his room. I sat there in the dark for a good 20 minutes staring at the wall in front of me before I realized I had to talk to him or else I was going to explode. I practically sprinted up to his room and when I didn't see him in bed my heart started racing. I checked his bathroom, and the other spare bedroom upstairs but came up empty handed until I heard a cough come from my room. I stopped in my tracks with my hand over my heart when I opened the door and saw him sitting up in bed scanning the channels on the TV.

"Are you trying to kill me?" I asked as he sat there laughing at me.

"Not trying to kill you Shelly...Just waiting for you to be ready to talk," he replied motioning for me to go sit next to him. After picking my heart up off the floor I went over to the bed and got under the covers next to him, and he put his arm around my shoulders pulling me in closer to him. "You ready yet? Because I am..."

I nodded against his chest and sat up straight, turning my body so that I was facing him. "Who knows?"

"You."

"You haven't even told your mother? Or Johnny?"

"There's no point in worrying my mother over something that is going to be over with in no time. And I can't tell Johnny because he'll go all business on me, insist I do a statement before anything leaks which means the production company will find out and they won't be able to insure me and I'll lose the movie."

"Do you really think you should still do the movie Justin? You don't think your health should be your number one priority right now?"

"I'm fine Em. You heard the doctor. Four more days, three tests, and it's over."

"Your not fine Justin! If you were fine you would have just told me and I wouldn't have had to go on some secret mission to find out for myself. If you were fine you would have told everyone. If you were fine you wouldn't have had a fucking IV in your hand this morning. You'd be able to eat solid food, and stay awake for more then 4 hours at a time. You are not fine. Leukemia is not fine!"

"I WILL be fine! They caught it so early Em. And it's the best kind to get-"

I scoffed, cutting him off, "The best kind to get? As if there's a good kind of Leukemia. You don't get it Justin. You are sick, and you shouldn't be going through it alone. People care about you and would want to help you and be there for you-"

"STOP!" he practically screamed, taking a deep breath after trying to manage his emotions before continuing, "No one is going to know. If it were up to me you wouldn't know either, but you do and you're going to keep your mouth shut. I get this is hard for you but-"

"This isn't about me Justin! It's about you. It doesn't matter how hard it is for me, or for your mother or anyone. It's about how hard it is for you and how you feel. If you don't want me to tell anyone that's fine, but don't think I'm not going to be there for you. Don't think that I'm going to load myself up with work and let you sit in that hospital for the next four days with a seven year old and not be there with you. You can fire me, you can yell and scream bloody murder for all I care but I'm going to be there." Tears started falling down my cheeks but I kept going because I could tell by the look on his face that he was finally getting it. "You're my best friend Justin," I said putting his hand in mine, "My best friend."

He was silent for a while and he wasn't able to look at me in the eye. He was biting his bottom lip and his hand was shaking in mine but he managed to just say okay before he started crying, and I let him cry for a while. He'd held it all in for so long I can only imagine how good it felt to finally let it all out. When he started to settle down I sat up on my knees in front of him and wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling his collarbone through his t-shirt while I hugged him. After a few seconds he wrapped his arms around my waist and I felt his head rest on my shoulder. "I'm scared Emmy...I'm scared shitless."

It's strange to think that the only guarantee in life is something that we don't really know much about. Sure you have your beliefs, but even then it's not clear-cut. Some people believe that your soul goes to heaven the minute you take your last breath, and others believe that once you're dead your lifeless body, and soul are buried and that's just...it. And what if you do go to heaven and it sucks, then what? It boggles my mind how some people aren't scared to die, or how others aren't scared for other people to die. Like murderers for example...what really goes through their mind before they actually do the deed? How is it that there is a book that can tell me pretty much anything I want to know, but there isn't a book that can tell me for a fact what's going to happen to me when I die?

When you fear the unknown, and everything going on around you is pretty much one big question mark, it's not really a good place to be in. However, it really opens your eyes to the things around you. Like how stupid it is that you're not talking to your brother because of his stupid girlfriend that probably won't be around much longer anyway. Or how much work really doesn't matter in the long run, and how important certain people really are to you.

The day after I found out about Justin we were back at the hospital bright and early, and for the first time ever he actually opened up to me. I'm not sure of the reason why he never did before today, but I can only imagine it be because of the state I've been in for the past however long we've actually been friendly with each other. I'm sure if most people had one on one time with Justin, they'd want to see what it's like to be with the Justin I already know. The guy that sits at home and watches Sports Center 24/7 and would do anything for just a tiny bit of his Granny's Peach Cobbler. They want to see Justin the boss, signing the checks, bossing people around, and approving press releases. They'd like to see the guy that comes home throws his keys on the counter, kicks off his shoes at the door to the garage, and sings as loud as can be while he takes a shower. And I'm sure 95% of all American women want to see the guy that walks around the house in boxer shorts all day on his days off. But me...I wanted to know about Justin Timberlake the superstar. The guy that's sold millions of albums, toured the world, and can pretty much do no wrong in the eyes of the world.

"...So the minute I get on the bus I immediately start taking my clothes off so that in the 10 seconds it took to get back to my room I'd be able to just hop into bed and pass out, and by the time I get back there I'm literally in just boxers. So I flick the light on and there is a girl butt ass naked laying on top of the covers. This chick that I've never seen before in my life, and I'm standing there with my mouth on the floor in only a pair of boxer shorts..."

"And that was the day you lost your virginity?"

"No you ass," he said slapping my leg that was resting on top of his, "I lost my virginity long before that. That was the night your brother lost his vir-"

"Okay, okay enough! Thank you. I just got a visual no sister should ever have..."

"It was crazy though," he said after a few minutes, "After that one show my life as I knew it had changed. I went from waking up one morning to do a show with four guys in hopes that maybe people would watch and buy our album, to a naked chick in my bed that night and people following me around every single day since then."

"I can't even imagine," I replied trying to figure out what I'd do if my every move were documented from the age of 16 and on. There was a ton of stuff I did as a teenager that I'd probably be arrested for if it ever got out.

"At first it was kind of cool. It was almost what we were working towards, because the minute you have a following you can essentially make your own press and get noticed even more, you know how that goes. But it got old...fast. When we first got big the paparazzi wasn't what they are now, but girls were fucking crazy. And women in the industry seemed like the way to go until I realized that they're even crazier then the normal girls."

"So what? You just played the field? A little bit of normal crazy and a little bit of industry crazy?"

"The truth of it is that I was a huge asshole and would sleep with girls just to sleep with them. Huge fucking sleezeball I know. Then Brit happened and that was pretty much perfect until it was a huge fucking mess," he sighed rolling his eyes. "I should have seen it..."

"I know you're not about to blame her cheating on yourself Timberlake," I said glaring at him.

"I don't know Em. Sometimes I wonder if she still would have done it if I were around more. Those few years that I was with her I was getting pulled in a million different directions at one time. I probably should have focused on her a little more."

"Don't make me go Justin Timberlake on your ass. She cheated on you dude, totally not your fault! I know I didn't follow the cool kids back then but I'm pretty sure she was getting pulled in a million different directions too and last time I checked you didn't cheat on her."

"True statement. Back then though...I don't know, I guess I just didn't see it coming. You'd think by now I'd be totally over it, but sometimes I still go back and think about it and try and figure out where we went wrong."

"First loves do that to you," I said kicking my feet off of him as the nurse came in the room to check on him.

"Like you would know anything about that," he chuckled while she stood next to him updating his chart, "You were in love with someone new every other week."

"I was not! I never had time to get to know the guys I dated because you two freaks would come home and drive them away," I said throwing a Skittle at him before popping one in my mouth. The nurse looked over her shoulder at me and gave me quite the stern look, and I had to purse my lips together to keep from laughing at her pissed off wrinkly face. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Justin put his hand over his mouth and turn his head to look at the wall, and I tried to mask a laugh with a cough which in turn caused him to start cracking up. I soon followed and the next thing we knew we were getting yelled at like we were 5 again.

"If you two don't quit it, I'm going to have to separate you."

"Aww come on Robin," Justin started giving her sad eyes that worked on every woman in America except his mother, myself, and apparently Robin, "Can't a sick guy have some fun?"

"Do you honestly think that's going to work on me Timberlake? Who do you think your talking to? And don't even try to pull the celebrity card with me or I'll kick your ass."

He put his hands up in surrender, and looked at me with a smirk on his face, "Okay, okay, you win," he said giving her a fake smile.

She turned around to look at me and I pointed to Justin, "It's him Robin, it's always his fault." She rolled her eyes and I watched her walk out of the room before throwing another Skittle at Justin. He knocked it away with his free hand and glared at me but I could tell that he was trying to hide a smile.

"You're going to get us in trouble Shelly!"

"Payback's a bitch huh?"

"Still hate me for making your possible lovers run away?"

"I never hated you for that Justin..."

"So what did you hate me for?"

"For taking my brother away." I was shocked that the words actually came out of my mouth and immediately felt even worse when I watched the smile wipe off of his face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that..."

"No, it's fine. I mean if that's how you felt, I can't do anything to change that now," he said looking down at his hands.

"It's just...I didn't hate you. Trace was the only one that actually understood me. I guess in a way he still is, and when he went with you it was just like losing my other half. It wasn't your fault," I said looking down at the ground suddenly really upset with myself for ruining what was a good, lighthearted conversation. "It wasn't anyone's fault really..."

"I didn't ask him to come with me to hurt you..."

"I know. That was a really selfish thing of me to say. I'm sorry."

"Not selfish," he said finally looking back up at me, "Just honest, which is perfectly okay with me."

"Did you ever think we'd be here?"

 "In a hospital room with IV's sticking out of my hand? No," he said with a chuckle trying to lighten the mood again.

"Well that too, but I meant did you ever think we'd get to this point and actually be friends and be honest with each other."

"Absolutely not," he replied shaking his head really fast. "But I'm really glad we did Em."

"I guess...I guess maybe something good did come out of the whole Jake getting hit by a car and dying thing after all..." He kicked me in my shin causing me to look up at him and laugh at the look of utter disgust he was giving me. "I mean...you know what I mean. If he hadn't died we wouldn't be here and you know it. And for the first time since Trace went and followed you around like a lost puppy, I kind of feel like someone gets me again, and that's a really nice feeling."

"Jake got you."

"Most of the time. But there were some things that it wasn't possible for him to understand because he didn't go through it with me. It wasn't his fault that he wasn't around when I was a kid, but there was no way he'd ever fully get me."

"But he loved you..."

"Which is what really mattered," I said instinctually looking up at the ceiling. Things have been getting easier for me when dealing with Jake's death. I still thought about him everyday, and every so often I'd find myself crying but it wasn't the only thing that I thought about these days. I felt Justin's hand on my knee as I tried to hold back tears that I found forming in my eyes, and I put my hand in his knowing damn well that I wouldn't be as strong as I am today if it hadn't been for him. I blinked away the tears and gave him a small smile realizing that now wasn't the time to do this. It was my turn to be strong for him, so when Robin came in a few seconds later I was relieved that we had something else to focus on.

"Alright superstar, let's get you ready to go home," she said sounding relieved to finally get rid of him.

I stood up looking out the window to see the sun coming up, "I'm going to go grab so breakfast in the cafe, what do you want?" I asked him.

"I want you to call your brother," he replied turning towards the wall to not see her take the IV out of his hand.

"I'm sorry is that located in the isle with the bagels or the cereal?"

"Call Trace Em..."

"Alright, yogurt it is then. I'll meet you in the car. See you tomorrow Robin!"

"No skittles tomorrow or I'll kick you out," I heard her yell as I walked out the door making a mental note to bring a bigger bag tomorrow.

***

Bitch wasn't joking when she said she'd kick me out. I mean it's not like we were throwing rocks at each other, they were just skittles. Okay there was one purse thrown across the room, but seriously you need to have fun somehow! We tried to bargain with her, and I even offered to give her my last red skittle but she wouldn't budge. Instead she literally escorted me out of the room into the waiting room, not even to a chair in front of his door. I looked up at the clock, 4:30am. On my fingers I counted back three hours to Tennessee time and dug my cell phone out of my bag. Sure it was 1 in the morning, but if there's one thing I know about my brother it's that his night doesn't even start until about midnight. The phone rang three times before I heard someone shuffling to put the phone to their ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey Trace Face, what are you doing?" I asked picking the red nail polish off of my thumbnail.

He was hesitant in responding and I could only assume he was either trying to figure out why I was up at 4:30 in the morning, or why I was calling him at all. "Hi?"

"Hi...what's up?"

"What's up with you? Why are you up so early?"

Score one for me. At least he wasn't questioning why I was calling him at all. "Busy with work and stuff, you know how it goes."

"I guess not since when I'm in LA I usually don't go to bed until 4am."

"Well anyway. Look are you still mad at me?" I asked bluntly tired of beating around the bush.

"Mad? No. Do I think you have anger problems? Yes. Are you still mad at me?"

"Mad? No. Do I think you're pussy whipped? Yes. Do we get to talk to each other again?"

"I was going to ask you the same question..."

"Good, because you're my brother and I love you and fighting with you is stupid. I still think she's a huge bitch and I know she's only in the relationship to get closer to Justin, but if that's what you want it's your choice."

"You don't know her Emily just-"

"Nor do I want to," I replied cutting him off. "So lets just agree to disagree and move on, because this is dumb."

I heard him sigh on the other end of the phone, "Fine."

"I love you."

"Love you too Em."

"Go to bed, it's late..."

"Go back to bed, it's early."

"Bye Trace," I said with a smile taking the phone away from my ear and hanging up. I knew that as long as he continued dating Bri our relationship would be strained, but as I've learned so well over the past few months, we never know what day could be our last so fighting with him over his choice in women is pretty pointless in the long run.

I looked up at the clock again, 4:36am. It was going to be a very long morning. I pulled my laptop out of my bag that was on the ground next to me and kicked my legs up over the arm of the chair. I started catching up on some work, which turned into responding to E-Mails for an hour about the golf course, which then led to me doing research on what I considered the most boring sport in the history of sports. I must have fallen asleep while watching a riveting video of some dude named Butch Harmon doing a lesson on the correct way to swing a club, and I nearly threw my laptop across the room when I heard someone calling my name and felt tapping on my shoulder. "Hmm, What?" I asked drunkenly while I caught my bearings. Robin was standing in front of me with the same look on her face that she had right before she escorted me out of the room. "What now? I'm not allowed to sleep?"

"Sorry to wake you sleeping beauty, but Prince Charming needs you."

"HA. You are so funny Robin," I said sticking my tongue out at her while I packed up my stuff, "How long has he been asking for me?"

"He hasn't. In fact he specifically told me not to come out here and get you, which tells me that he needs you."

"Well is everything okay?" I asked beginning to worry.

"It's normal." she replied flatly.

I looked at her knowing that that was the best answer she could give me, but not really liking it as I rounded the corner into his room. There was another nurse standing over him hooking another IV up to his free hand, and he had his head resting on the back of the chair with his eyes squeezed shut clearly pissed off. "Hey are you okay?" I asked throwing my bag on the empty chair that occupied my Skittles and me a little over an hour earlier.

"I'm fucking fine," he replied turning to look over his shoulder at Robin, "I told you not to fucking get her..."

"Justin calm down it's not that big of a deal. What's going on?"

"NOTHING!"

"They're just hooking him up to some fluid because he kept throwing up so now he's dehydrated," I spun my head around when I heard a small voice behind me and saw Chloe sitting there, "It's totally normal. Happens to me all the time."

"Hey Chloe, I didn't even see you there..."

"It's because I'm small," she said with a smile, "I'm only 7 you know."

"I know, but you act much older then 7! I bet sometimes Justin acts like he's 7 too, and he is totally way older then that." I looked back at him and he just rolled his eyes at me and looked at the wall. He started tapping his foot and clearing his throat over and over again while I made him think I was ignoring him by talking to Chloe. When he finally quit trying to hold it back he threw up again and immediately threw the water bottle that was in his hand across the room making it hit the wall and spill all over the room. He wasn't use to not being in control of everything, never mind his own body so I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for him to have to give everything up. I watched him put his head in his hand before I went out to the nurses' station and told them we needed a mop and a new basin for Justin, and walked back into the room knowing that he was probably going to flip out on me but I kept telling myself not to take it personally. "Do you want me to get you a water?" I asked standing a good distance away from him knowing that he needed his space.

"If I wanted water, I wouldn't have thrown that one." He kept his hand over his face, and his shoulders were going up and down every time he took a deep breath.

"Do you need anything? A wet clothe? Ice?"

"Do you know what I need?" he asked finally looking up at me with so much anger in his eyes. "I need you to get the fuck out. I need for you to go home, do whatever it is that you do and just leave me here. Because this was a hell of a lot easier when you didn't know and you weren't up my ass every five seconds asking if I wanted anything. You can't give me what I want, so you being here is fucking pointless."

My first thought was to turn around and block Chloe's ears, but then I realized that if she'd been sharing a room with him for a week and a half she's already heard his trucker mouth in full force. He was breathing heavy and his hands were balled up in a fist and I could tell from his rapid blinking that he probably wanted to cry. I mean who wouldn't at this point? When you are a person in charge of your own life, your own companies, and your own career, how would you even manage to not be in control of anything? "What do you want that I can't give you Justin?" I stepped closer to him and if smoke could come out of someone's ears, now would be the time it'd be coming out of his.

"Go the fuck home."

"Do you want to hit me?" I asked pointing to his fists that were now tapping on his legs, "You can hit me if you want, but I know that's not really what you want to do. So tell me what it is that you really want." Most people would have got there stuff and just left. Why make him even more angry right? But this is what he did to me. He made me talk to him, he made me tell him how I felt, and if he didn't do that for me I'd probably still be cooped up in his guest room unable to move in Tennessee today.

"I want you to go home..."

"Tell me what you really want," I said getting in his face and putting myself at risk of his punching me but not really caring.

"What I WANT," he screamed causing me to take a couple of steps back, "Is to not fucking be here. I want to be at home going over my script so that when the movie comes out people won't think I'm some sort of joke. What I WANT is to not be Justin Timberlake so that I can call up my own damn mother and tell her what's wrong with me and have her be here by my side without her worrying about my next career move. I want to be able to come and go as I please and not be followed every time I step foot out of the gates of my own house. And I want to be able to go home at night to a girl that actually means something to me and loves me and make fucking love to her instead of sleeping with random ass groupies who are only sleeping with me because of who I am in a sleazy hotel, just to get off. I want to be anywhere BUT here, but we can't always get what we want now can we?"

It took me a couple of seconds to pick my mouth up off the floor because I wasn't expecting him to say half of the things he did but when I saw his expression soften and a weight lift off of his shoulders I knew that that was exactly what he needed. "You're right...we can't always get what we want, and that totally sucks, trust me I know. But it's not wrong to want them."

"This fucking sucks major ass Em."

"I can only imagine," I replied making an exaggerated sad face just to get him to smile. "I think that you can probably get one of those things that you want though, because you know your mother will come out here at the drop of a hat and care about you and only you not your career." He shook his heading, knowing that it was a true statement but that in reality he didn't want her out here because he was afraid of the same thing I was. What if he was that 1%? "I think you should call her..."

"I'll make you a deal," he said a few minutes later, "I'll call my Mama if you call Trace."

"For real?" I asked with a chuckle knowing that I totally just won.

"For real," he put his hand out for me to shake. This was too easy.

"Alright, I guess you should call your mother then because I called Trace this morning," I said laughing after I let go of his hand.

"You are a huge bi-"

"Come on superstar, time to get you home," Robin interrupted. I turned around and saw Chloe looking up at me and laughing, so I put my hand up and she gave me a high five. This girl was 7 going on 25. I sat next to Chloe while Robin finished up with Justin and he glared at me realizing I caught him in a trap. He managed to keep down a pack of crackers and a pudding about 20 minutes later so he was allowed to leave. Only two more days, I thought to myself as I stood up to walk out the door.

He almost made it to the elevator before he had to hold onto the wall so that he wouldn't fall. This took so much out of him, but as hard as it was for me to see it, I couldn't let him know that. So I put my hand out and he looked at me with a look of defeat in his eyes before locking his fingers with mine and walking the rest of the way to the elevator.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. What they don't say is that those words are not necessarily true.

We got back from the hospital that morning and Justin called his mother. He didn't tell her why he needed her to come out, but let her know that a ticket had already been purchased and it was important. She didn't ask him any questions, but about a half hour later after Justin had fallen asleep I got a text message from her asking me if everything was okay. I responded, just come.

He had booked her a ticket for that night, but due to some bad weather in Tennessee her flight got delayed until the next morning. We were back at the hospital bright and early, but this time managed to get home before the sun was even fully up. All of the poking and prodding, and chemicals going into Justin's body were finally taking a toll on him, so once we got home he immediately went to bed with some green tea and crackers on his nightstand and a trash bucket next to his bed. Once I knew he was sleeping I got up off of the couch in the sitting room of his master bedroom and went downstairs to the living room. I turned the TV on and found myself turning the channel to ESPN chuckling to myself when I realized how much Justin has rubbed off on me, and not soon after found myself dozing off as well.

I shot up off the couch when I heard the dogs collars clanging together as they ran to the front door, and my heart slowed down a bit the minute I heard Lynn greeting them at the door. I walked through the foyer and whistled for the dogs before giving Lynn the biggest hug I've ever given her before in my life. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see anyone before, and just knowing that I'd have some help in the Justin department was a relief. "You have no idea how happy I am to see you."

"It's good to see you too sweetie," she replied backing out of the hug and giving me a once over, "How are you feeling?"

"Oh I'm okay," I sighed, "Tired and stressed but that's normal for me." For some reason I didn't question why she was asking how I was feeling since it's not a normal thing for her to do, but it was nice to actually have someone ask me. "Here let me take your bags. There's some coffee in the kitchen if you want some."

She walked into the kitchen with the two dogs on her tail while I put her bags in the guest room downstairs. "You know Emily I was talking to your Mama the other day and we were saying just how happy we were that you and Justin have finally decided to put whatever you two always fought about behind you and become close," she was at the island pouring her coffee yelling so that I could hear her.

"I have to admit," I replied walking back out and leaning on the breakfast bar, "I never thought this would happen, but I'm so glad it did."

"And it's so good to have you back. You know we were all really scared for you when Jake passed, so it's good to see you back to your old self now."

"Well...we can all thank your son for that one."

"Where is the brat anyway? He calls me here and doesn't tell me why then doesn't even greet me at the door."

"He's upstairs sleeping," I replied looking up at the clock and wishing I were doing the same thing.

"At 10am? Boy needs to get out of bed and start his day. Lazy ass, let's go wake him up." She lifted her coffee cup off of the counter taking a sip of it before leaving it on a coaster in the middle of the island. If she only knew, I thought to myself as she put her arm around my waist and we walked upstairs to Justin's bedroom.

I thought that maybe I should warn her about the state Justin would be in. It's gotten to the point now where he kind of looks sick and I didn't want her to be scared of her own son, but I knew that would lead to questions and I promised Justin I would let him tell her the news. She stormed into his room like a bat out of hell, and I expected to see him passed out on his bed, his face as pale as a ghost with his hand on the trash below him. However, I was quite surprised to see him sitting up in bed eating crackers and watching television like nothing was wrong. I stood at the doorway with my mouth on the floor in surprise while I watched his mother walk to the side of the bed to hug and kiss him. His chin was on her shoulder when he looked at me and winked, and all I could do was shake my head in shock. When I saw his mother begin to turn around I knew I had to act normal, so I closed the door behind me and sat down with my legs under me at the end of the bed.

"So listen," Lynn said just as Justin was about to speak. "I don't want any small talk, just get right to the point because I'm pretty sure I already know what it is."

The smile on Justin's face went away immediately and a straight angry line replaced it with his eyes darting directly over to me. "How could you Em? I specifically told you not to say anything to her!"

"ME?" I questioned pointing to myself as if there was another Em in the room, "I didn't say anything!"

"Oh then who did? You're the only other person that knows!"

"I swear on my parents grave Justin I didn't say a word!"

"Nice thing to do, swear on your parents grave when you're lying. I should have known you'd-"

"ENOUGH!" Lynn yelled to make us stop; knowing that once we start it's difficult to get us to quit it. "I think you need to apologize Justin."

"Why should I apologize to her? She's the one that went back on her word Mama!"

"No she didn't Justin. She didn't tell me anything."

"Then how do you know?"

"Well...I suspected something was up when you two jetted of to LA without even saying goodbye. Then you called me with some "news" that you couldn't share over the phone, and when I got to the airport I saw this, which only confirmed my suspicions," she said pulling a magazine out of her oversized purse on the floor next to her. Justin snatched the magazine out of her hand and I was pretty sure his eyes were going to pop out of his head cartoon style. I couldn't see what he saw, but my heart dropped into my stomach knowing that now not only did his mother know, but the whole world was about to as well.

"Justin it's okay we'll figure something out," I said not really knowing what else to do.

He was shaking his head looking down at the cover, and his mother for some reason had a smile on her face. "I understand why you didn't tell me sooner Justin, it's okay I'm not mad."

"No...No Mama, this," he turned the magazine around, "This is not true!"

My eyes shot to the magazine and I immediately grabbed it out of his hands and jumped off of the bed to prevent the other non existent people in the room from seeing the cover. There are no words to describe what I was feeling at that moment. I guess shock would be one of the closest ones but that does it no justice. I expected the headline to say "Justin Timberlake's Cancer Story," or "Timberlake's Secret Leukemia Battle," but it said nothing of the sort. Instead, there was picture of me and Justin walking out of the hospital yesterday holding hands, and under the pictures was the headline, "Yes! We're Pregnant!" 

Now don't get me wrong I've been linked to Justin before, and my face has been all over these tabloids but I have never EVER reacted like this, and neither has Justin. But this...this crossed a line that I was not ready to deal with, especially not now. And that damn picture looks so convincing too. Our fingers are linked together and I'm looking up at him laughing. It looks like he's reaching over with his free hand to pat my stomach, and the smile on his face was one that I haven't really seen in a couple of weeks. What they don't mention however is that we're holding hands to keep him from falling, and that we're laughing because I said something stupid to the receptionist inside on purpose just to get Justin to crack a smile. And magically the crackers that I was holding in my hand and that Justin was reaching for had suddenly disappeared out of the picture. Now, when we deny the reports people are going to ask why we were at the hospital, and this big "news" is going to make 30 more people hop on the paparazzi bandwagon and follow our every move. What will happen tomorrow morning when we get followed back to that very same hospital?

"This is bad...bad, bad, bad," I said still staring at the picture in front of me, scared to open it up to the article and see what some "source" had said about our pregnancy.

"Kids, it's not that bad. People would be finding out eventually. I mean I know you probably wanted to tell us first but some-"

"Mama stop talking." She looked at Justin like she was about to ground him for a month but before she could open her mouth to speak he continued, "Emily is not pregnant. And she certainly isn't pregnant with my baby."

"I'm sorry do I look like I'm pregnant?" I asked looking down at my stomach, "I mean I know I put on a couple of pounds but not nearly enough to make it seem like I'm with child-"

"Shut up Em," Justin said calling me a dumbass with his eyes.

"So this is a lie?" she asked pointing to the magazine that was still in my hand on the other side of the room.

"When has US Magazine ever been the truth?"

"I don't know Justin. I mean I guess never but the pieces add up. You two are dating though right?"

"No Mama, we're not," he said scooting over closer to her when a look of panic came over her face. He turned to me and I threw the magazine in the garbage can before sitting on the other side of his mother. "Mama I'm sick."

By the look in her eyes and the change of facial expressions I knew that she knew that this wasn't good. I saw tears start to form in her eyes before she let out a small forced laugh, "So make some soup Justin. You didn't need to call me out here to help you get over a cold." She didn't want to believe it. She was going to sit here in denial until he told her the facts. "I taught you how to make soup..." A tear fell down her cheek so I reached out and took her shaking hand in mine while watching Justin bite on his bottom lip trying to stay strong.

He was looking up at the ceiling and the bed began to shake when he nervously started tapping his foot against the mattress. "I'm not dying or anything...but...it's just..."

"It's leukemia Mrs. H, but they caught it early and after tomorrow he should be in remission." I watched her body sink further and further into the mattress, and tears fall faster and faster down her face. "He's been doing very low doses of Chemotherapy everyday for the past two weeks, and they say it's doing what it's suppose to. Once he finishes up tomorrow, he'll have to go in on Friday to run some tests and after that they're 99% sure that it'll be like nothing ever happened." Her spare hand went over her heart and she started biting her bottom lip just like her son was. I knew this was killing her, but the faster I got all the information out the faster she could digest it and we could go from there. "No one knows besides me and now you, not even Johnny. Hopefully all will go well in the next couple of days and no one else will ever need to know."

Silent tears began rolling down Justin's face and his mother was speechless. It was like someone was tearing my insides out when I found out so I can only imagine what it would feel like for a mother to hear that her son has Leukemia. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you Mama," Justin said reaching out to put his hand in her free one.

"It's okay baby," she replied pulling him in for a hug.

I left them there in Justin's room to do the whole family thing. It was something that I didn't need to be a part of, nor something I wanted to be a part of. Justin needed his mother. He needed her to hug him and tell him it was going to be okay, and I know that she could take better care of him then I ever could. No sooner did I hit my bedroom two doors down did my cell phone start ringing.

"Hey Trace Face," I said throwing myself down on the bed with a sigh.

"So are you going to apologize?" he asked coldly.

"I'm sorry?"

"You know what Em, you are such a bitch. Accusing Bri of shit while you're lying to her face." And then it clicked, he saw the magazine.

I could deny it all day, and even prove that I wasn't pregnant but without telling Trace what was really going on there was no way of getting around the hand holding. "I know that you're not going to believe me Trace, but we're not dating. You saw the magazine and we're holding hands and I'm not going to deny that but there was a reason for it and the reason wasn't because we're dating."

"Real good alibi Em."

"It's not up to me to tell you! It's up to Justin and I can tell you that he won't be divulging any information anytime soon. So believe whoever you want, but I'm not going to fight with you about this because it's a waste of my time."

"And speaking to you is a waste of mine!" With that he hung up on me, and I threw the phone against the wall thanking God that Justin got me a cover for it or else it probably would have shattered into a million little pieces. Getting around this tabloid lie was not going to be at all easy.

***

Justin spent the whole day with his mother while I sat in the office and attempted to catch up on some a shitload of work that was just growing more and more every minute that passed. By 6:00 I could barely keep my eyes open any longer, so I turned the radio that was on softly in the background off and made my way upstairs to go to bed. I'm pretty sure the minute my head hit the pillow I was out like a light, only to be woken up a couple of hours later when I felt someone pulling the covers back on the other side of the bed. I opened my eyes, careful not to move my head so that I wouldn't lose the comfy spot on my pillow and watched him get under the covers next to me.

"Can't sleep Junior?" I asked.

"Nope," he replied plopping his head down on the pillow, "You mind?"

"Make yourself comfortable," I said not letting the realization of this being the first time I've ever slept in the same bed with anyone since Jake had died slip by me.

He didn't make any moves and kept some distance between us. Just as I was about to doze back off into LaLa Land he spoke again, "Thanks for today Em...I don't know if I would have been able to tell her."

"You're welcome," I said simply opening my eyes to see his closed next to me. I watched him until I was sure he was sleeping before closing my eyes again.

"You're my best friend too," he whispered when he thought I was sleeping, "Thank you..." 

I'm not really sure what was making me cry. It could have been the fact that his arm seemed to fit around me perfectly, or how he was clutching onto the sheets next to me like Jake use to. All I knew was that when I looked down and saw his arm there I didn't get sad, I didn't have the urge to shove him off or slap him like I thought I would, and for the first time since Jake had died I actually felt safe. It was a moment and a feeling I've been dreaming about experiencing for close to a year now and I can assure you that not only did I never think it was going to come, but I never imagined Justin be the one it would be with. I don't know exactly what this means because there is no possible way that I can have feelings for Justin Timberlake. I'm either crying due to nostalgia, or happiness in knowing that Jake will always hold a special place in my heart but it's actually possible for me to try and start moving on.

Silent tears soon turned into semi-audible sobbing, and I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from waking Justin up. However after what seemed like forever I attempted to take a deep breath but it came out as more of a gasp and the usually dead to the world when I'm sleeping Justin heard it and woke up. I turned my head to look at him and he took his arm off of me before he stretched and opened his eyes. I didn't want him to see me crying, so I buried 90% of my body under the covers in an attempt to make him think I was just moving in my sleep. I closed my eyes making sure to pull the sheets up to the bottom of them to catch the remaining tears that I was trying desperately to stop from falling. I felt him turn around to look at the clock and heard him let out the loudest yawn ever and it took everything in me to keep from laughing.

"M&M," he said kicking me softly under the covers. I moved around acting like he had just woken me up, at the same time trying to wipe away the remaining tears on my cheek, "Wake up..."

"Hmmm," I said pulling the covers down and praying for him to not realize that I had been crying.

He was reaching over to the end table to grab the remote and scroll through the channels. "It's 2:30."

"That would explain all the infomercials."

"Come on get up."

"For what?" I wined curling up in a ball under the covers.

"Come on, it's the last day," he said still looking at the TV.

"I thought your mother was going with you."

"She is, but I want you there too. You've been with me through this and I want you there to hear them give us good news."

"I don't know Justin, there's going to be paparazzi and it's just not going to look good."

"I really don't care what they say or write about me, people that know us know that it's not true and everyone else can shove it," he replied throwing the remote back on the table in frustration.

"That picture looked pretty convincing J. People that know us are going to ask questions and we're not going to have an answer."

"You told me you'd be there for me no matter what Em...I need you there."

He finally looked at me and I knew as soon as the words left his mouth that I didn't have a choice. He needed me and I was going to be there no matter what just like I had promised. Right now it didn't matter what any magazine said or what my brother thought of me, it was about being there for my best friend. "Alright," I finally said throwing the covers back and getting out of bed, "I'm going to shower."

I use to be able to turn the water on really really really cold in the shower and it would wake me up, but not today. If I were sitting in a tub full of ice I think I'd still be able to fall asleep on the spot, so when I walked out of the bathroom half asleep and back into my room I wasn't really expecting someone to hug me the second I walked in. I also wasn't expecting to feel the same way I did when I realized he had his arm around me this morning as he did. My throat immediately closed up and I could feel my eyes start to water as he wrapped his arms around my neck, and it took me a minute to return the hug and wrap my arms around his waist. I was trying so hard to swallow my tears, and I literally started thinking about bunny's hopping through a forest. I thought I was in the clear when he backed out of the hug and I instantly walked around him to my closet, "What was that for?" I asked clearing my throat.

"That was to say thank you for being there for me," he said and I could feel him staring at me from the doorway as I scanned over my clothing options.

"You're welcome. That's what friends are for right?"

"And it was also for whatever you were crying about this morning..."

I stopped moving my shirts on the hangers and put my hand against the wall to hold myself up. I cleared my throat for the hundredth time letting a tear fall down my cheek, "I don't know what you're talking about. You must have been dreaming," I said going back to browsing my closet.

"I don't know about that Em. When you wake up to someone gasping for air it's either because they're dying or because they're crying and you look pretty alive right now...plus you are a horrible fake sleeper."

I shook my head not really knowing what to do. It's not like I could give him an explanation at to why I was crying or why I was feeling the way that I was because I didn't know why. So I stayed with my back towards him and leaned my head against the wall next to me and continued to cry for absolutely no reason at all. It wasn't long before I sat down with my back against the wall of my walk in closet and Justin was next to me. "I don't even know why I'm crying," I managed to spit out in between breaths, "This is so stupid..."

"So, what you're saying is...you're crying for no reason."

I threw my hands up and let out a laugh, "Pretty much. I swear I'd tell you if I knew, but I have no idea. I think this makes me certifiably insane."

"Nah," he said wiping away the last tear falling down my face, "You were certifiably insane a long ass time ago."

I slapped his chest almost instantly, "You're such a jerk!"

"I'll be a jerk if it keeps you from crying for no reason you weirdo." He put his arm around my shoulders and I rested my head against him, "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah."

"Okay then...Let's pick out an outfit for you that will hide your baby bump, sound good?"

"Such a fucking jerk," I said pushing myself up off the ground.

"Yeah, yeah, you've mentioned that..."

***

We made it to the hospital unnoticed. Granted all three of us went in separate cars and I was dressed like there was a blizzard outside so that no one would recognize me, but the point is that we made it inside without any photographs being taken. I was sitting in my normal chair under the window next to Chloe and across from Justin. Lynn just got up from her seat next to Justin for the first time in two hours to hit the cafe and get us some breakfast, and Justin was sitting there with IV's shooting out of his hand a huge smile on his face. "You realize that your face," I said making a circle in the air around his face from 10 feet away, "It's not normal."

"Your face isn't normal..."

I took a Skittle out of the bag that I was hiding in my sweatshirt and threw it at him. He ducked out of the way before it hit him square in the face, and Chloe started laughing as the skittle bounced off the wall behind him and hit the back of his head. I shot up out of the chair and put my hands in the air doing a victory dance before giving Chloe a high five. "I think it's safe to say that was a three pointer, what do you think Chlo?"

"I think you're going to get kicked out again," an angry voice came from behind me. I turned around and saw Robin standing at the doorway with the red skittle that just bounced off of Justin's big head in her hand. I looked back at Chloe made a scary face and watched to her try to not laugh at me. "And what is so funny Miss Chloe?"

"Emily," she said through a fit of giggles.

"Come on Robin...You know you're going to miss us," I said walking towards her with my arms out like I was going to give her a hug.

"Touch me, and I'll kill you."

"You are a feisty one Robin!"

"No. More. Skittles!"

"Okay, okay, no more skittles I promise...but can I have that one back? Had I known it was a red Skittle I never would have never thrown it...Red's my favorite you know."

"You are so gross," she replied turning around to walk out without giving me my little piece of candy heaven back, "15 more minutes Justin then we'll take you back for testing okay?"

"Whatever you say boss lady!" I walked back to my seat and immediately threw another Skittle at Justin and this time it hit him in the face. Chloe and I started laughing right away, and soon Justin couldn't even hold back his laughter. "Your name should be trouble."

"Ehh...I don't know if that's really fitting for someone with as much power as me. I feel like my name should be Master or Princess."

"Bitch would work as well sometimes," he replied with a smile.

"I know that wasn't my son that just said that," Lynn's voice echoed in the hallway.

"28 years old and you're still getting in trouble with your Mama...real smooth."

***

Waiting for test results that could change the course of someone's life in a silent white room with degrees hanging all over the wall can only be what hell feels like. The mahogany desk in front of me was filled with paper work and picture frames. I could hear the laptop fan turn on and off, and suddenly it felt like it was 25 degrees. Justin and his mother were occupying the other two chairs in front of the desk, and no one dared to say a word. I looked to my left and saw Justin as white as a ghost staring at the wall in front of him, his hands holding on to each arm on his chair squeezing so tight that his knuckles were turning white. Every so often in true Justin form he'd lick his lips but other then that there was absolutely no movement on his end or his mothers.

When the doctor finally came in and closed the door behind him, it sounded like a boulder was rolling down a hill. Every sound seemed like it was being projected over a blow horn including the huge breath Justin inhaled right as the doctor sat down behind the desk. He opened up a manila folder with Justin's name on the side and his face was giving off absolutely no indication as to what he was about to tell us. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating when he finally looked up at Justin and put a piece of paper in front of Justin on his desk. "These are the pills you're going to need to take. This one is once a day for two weeks," the doctor said pointing to something on the paper with his pen that probably cost $250. "This one is twice a day for two weeks, and these are as needed for pain. Other then that you just need to take it easy, don't put too much strain on your body and if you feel strange in any way, shape or form call me. We'll set you up for a follow up appointment sometime next week and if everything checks out another one for next month. Be aware of your body Justin, and take it slow. I know you're all about hard work and long hours but that's not what your focus should be right now."

We all heard what he said and in my head I knew what it meant, but I wasn't about to believe it until the doctor actually said it. I looked at Justin and saw his hands shaking on his lap and a look of utter fear on his face. He let out the breath he was holding in and swallowed a huge gulp, "So...so what you're saying...you're saying, uh..."

"I'm saying you're in remission...Congratulations! Go out and celebrate. And have a damn drink!" Justin leaned back in his seat and rubbed his forehead clearly unable to respond to the news, and I saw his mother put her hands over her mouth before she started crying. The doctor stood up and Lynn ran around to the other side of the desk and practically jumped on him, while Justin just stayed in his seat with his hand on his forehead. "Take all the time you need in here and then just stop by the nurses station for your appointment card and prescriptions okay?" he asked putting his hand out to Justin for him to shake.

He stood up on wobbly legs and shook the doctors hand, his eyes still glazed over in shock. "Thank you so much Dr. Arrington. I can't even...I just...Thank you."

"You're very welcome," he replied before closing the manila folder and walking out the door.

Lynn basically tackled her son in a huge hug and I stayed sitting on the chair feeling like it was all a dream. This was all new to me. Usually things like this end in disappointment and pain, and I don't think I really knew how to feel relieved that something good actually happened. After lots of hugs and tears Lynn left us in the room to go pick up everything Justin needed from the nurses station and I was finally able to stand up, but I still wasn't able to really say anything. He just looked at me while biting his bottom lip and I got on my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around his neck before I started crying again. I put my right hand on the back of his neck and started twirling his curls around my finger when I felt him relax in my arms and finally take in the words the doctor had just told him. He squeezed me so tight I thought I was going to suffocate but that didn't matter to me because Justin was cancer free and as long as that fact remained he could do whatever the fuck he wanted.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again, do you hear me?" I said hitting his arm after he let go of me.

"I thought he was going to tell me I was dying,"

"Well you're not," I replied giving him another hug. He let out a huge sigh when I backed away and grabbed onto my hands before screaming at the top of his lungs causing both of us to laugh and probably scaring the entire hospital. "Wanna go get a drink?"

"It's not even 7am you lush."

"You know you want a beer Timberlake."

"You're right I do...But I think I want a bed first."

"Let's go home then," I said before walking to the door of the office that I never wanted to step foot in again. We went in and said goodbye to Chloe, promising to visit her at least once a week, and shockingly had an emotional goodbye with Robin who I could tell was trying to hold back some tears when she hugged Justin. He thanked every single person that had been a part of the process and even signed autographs and took pictures with them.

Leaving the hospital, I walked out before Justin in hopes we'd avoid any unwanted sightings and I thought I was in the clear until I got to the car and heard camera's clicking. I couldn't see anyone, but I knew they were somewhere and the fact that I could only hear them was totally creeping me out. I knew there would be pictures plastered all over the internet tomorrow with another false story underneath them but at that moment in time I really could give a shit, because I just received the best news of my life.

***

"We'll have another round please," Justin asked the waitress 15 hours later at a small bar just at the bottom of the huge hill he lived on.

I shook my head while taking the last sip of my third extremely strong drink, "Not me, just one for him," I said realizing that my head was already spinning and if I had one more drink I may actually have another Butch moment.

"Just bring another round," he said disregarding my clear intoxication.

"If I have one more drink Justin, I might go home with Butch."

"I won't let you go home with Butch. Plus we're celebrating, just one more drink."

"Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Justin I'm just so happy that you're okay, because I really, really, really thought you were going to leave me."

"I told you I wasn't going anywhere," he said as our drinks were put down in front of us.

"People always say that, but then they leave anyway. But not you Justin...Not you. First my parents, and then...then Jake. They're gone and it sucks, but at least now I know that you won't leave me."

"They didn't choose to leave you Em."

"But they're gone," I said making an exaggerated sad face.

"You were right...totally shouldn't have gotten you that drink."

"Well you can't take it back now," I practically yelled grabbing the drink off the table and holding to close to me before I started hysterically laughing for no reason, "I'm so fucking drunk," and with that I downed the entire drink before slamming the empty glass down on the table.

He looked at me cocking his eyebrow before chugging his beer and slamming the bottle down next to my empty glass, "Let's go home lush before you do end up leaving with Butch."

"See," I said attempting to stand up and almost falling over, "You're afraid I'm going to go home with someone besides you. Are you the jealous kind Timberlake?"

"Totally," he replied jokingly while holding out my coat.

"Why are you not drunk right now?" I asked as we walked towards the door holding onto his arm for stability.

"Because I'm a professional drinker."

"You're a professional everything..."

"I know," he replied stopping at the door and placing me up against the wall. "Don't move." I watched him unzip his sweatshirt and take it off before adjusting his William Rast button down that was on underneath it. In my drunken state my mind automatically went back to waking up next to him this morning and I started to wonder what it would be like to watch him take the rest of his clothing off. But before my mind could wander too much I felt him put the sweatshirt over my head, "Stay close, don't say anything, and don't look up," he said before wrapping his arm around my shoulders and walking out the door to flashbulbs coming from every direction.

After what seemed like forever we made it to the car, out of the parking lot and the short distance from the bar to his house. I rambled the entire time about what I'm not sure, but every time I looked at Justin he was either smiling or laughing and even though I was drunk beyond belief it made me so happy to finally see him happy again. I stood behind him as he unlocked the front door, and walked right around him to the kitchen when it was finally open. I scanned the fridge for anything that had over 400 calories in it and literally jumped for joy when I saw some cake hanging out in the back. "Eat my cake Logan and I will kick the shit out of you."

I put the cake on the counter almost taunting him as he stood in the doorway of the kitchen. Slowly I opened the lid on the Boston Crème Cake, pulling the utensil drawer out and reaching in for a fork. Just as the fork was about to make contact with the cake, he darted at me and I took off running around the house holding a fork up in the air like a maniac. Not soon after the running started I realized that I was really out of breath and if I didn't stop soon he'd catch me so I B-Lined it up the stairs in hopes that I'd make it to my room before he caught me, which I did except the alcohol was clearly taking over my brain and instead of locking the door behind me I just shut it so within seconds Justin was on top of me tickling the shit out of me. "YOU WIN YOU WIN!" I screamed throwing the fork down on the white carpet below the bed.

"Damn right I win," he said getting off of me lying down on the pillow beside me. I turned on my side facing him, and he put his arm around my waist the same way he had it this morning. Without thinking twice I put my hand on his cheek rubbing his stubble with my thumb. I looked up to his eyes and they were suddenly darker then I've ever seen them. I watched his tongue swipe across his bottom lip before looking back up at him. His hand went from holding onto the sheets below me to the small of my back. He shook his head to tell me no, but didn't stop me when I put my lips on his.

I can assure you that I had no intentions of allowing what happened last night to actually happen. I'm not sure how you go to bed one night sleeping next to your best friend and waking up the next morning wanting to rip his clothes off, but when the feeling didn't go away for the rest of the day I made a deal with myself to not act on it because clearly it was just my brain having some sort of weird reaction to something and it would go away in a week or so. However, the combination of the good news we got and the alcohol last night somehow tricked my brain into thinking that I could actually have feelings for him. The minute I put my lips on his I knew that I should take them off, let it be awkward for a day and then move on with our lives but that's not exactly how it went down.

I'm not sure if I expected him to kiss me back or not, but it was a nice surprise when he did. His lips were soft and seemed to fit perfectly on mine. His hand that was on the small of my back traveled up my back and he held onto my hair that I had taken out of it's pony tail right as we walked into the house, and the minute he nibbled on my bottom lip I knew that this was not going to end anytime soon. I didn't want it to end, but I also didn't want to fuck up the awesome friendship we had formed so after a few minutes I put my hand on his chest and pushed him back. The minute his lips were off of mine I wanted them back. I almost felt naked without them there and as I watched him lick his bottom lip I felt the urge to just attack him, but I closed my eyes before I did just that.

I went from laying on my side to my back placing my hand on my forehead not knowing what my next move should be, scared that everything that we had worked so hard to accomplish in our friendship was now down the drain. When I opened my eyes and looked to the side of me I saw Justin staring at me before he reached out to move a piece of hair away from my eyes. "Justin I--"

He shook his head causing me to stop talking, and then moved to hover over me. His legs on either side of me and his hands down next to my face holding him up, "Just shut up and kiss me." So when his face made its decent towards mine, I did just that. I kissed him like I've never kissed before. I managed to turn my brain off and stop thinking, and I lay there with him in my arms living in the moment. I took in his scent, and melted just a little bit every time he'd let out a moan making his lips vibrate against mine. I allowed myself to enjoy the touch of his thumb against my cheek, and the feel of his lips against my lips, and my neck, and my ear. I didn't think twice when I wrapped my legs around him or when I ran my nails down his back after practically ripping his shirt off. And after hours of the greatest high school like make out session of my life, I let myself relax when Justin put his forehead against mine for a minute before kissing it, laying down beside me with his arm holding me close to him, and I fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.

So this morning though quite similar to yesterday, in reality is a whole lot different. I looked over at him sleeping and couldn't help the smile that was forming on my face as I watched him and ran my fingers up and down his arm. I had 80 million feelings running through my body and my brain was no longer in the off position. I don't know what my life is going to turn into once he wakes up. I don't know if he's going to be mad, or upset, or maybe even happy. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. As much as I think I'm ready to move on, I'm not 100% sure. Maybe I just have these feelings for Justin because I'm comfortable with him and not because I actually feel for him. And I can't help but think about how Jake would feel about this, but the feeling of safety that I feel when Justin has his arm wrapped around me has to mean something right?

I picked his hand up and moved his arm easily so that I wouldn't wake him, placing it back down on the bed when I stood up. Walking over to the other side of the bed I took the remote turning the TV off. He flipped over onto his stomach hugging the pillow under him, and I bent down to kiss his forehead before turning to walk out of the room.

Shockingly I was somehow not hung-over, but I hit the coffee makers "on" button the second I hit the kitchen. I sat on top of the island and watched the coffee drip until the pot was full. After pouring myself a cup of coffee I went to the breakfast bar and stared off into space trying to figure out what the hell was going to happen next. Nothing about this situation was normal even if you looked past the fact that we were friends, and the he was my brother's best friend. He was my boss. We live together, and we work together. He's the person I go to with problems. If whatever this is turns into something, all of that will change and I know for a fact that I'm not ready for it all to change. I started rubbing my forehead after taking a sip of my coffee when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and my breath got stuck in my throat.

"Mornin' sweetie."

"Oh...Good morning Mrs. H," I replied catching my breath again.

"Everything okay?"

I nodded taking another sip of coffee, "Mmhm, everything's great."

"You sure? People usually don't stare at the wall for an hour not moving in the morning."

"Oh I haven't been here for an hour..."

"Well when I came out of my room an hour ago, you were sitting right there looking at the wall sweetheart."

"I guess that would explain the cold coffee," I said sliding the mug off to the side and taking a deep breath, "Work does that to you I guess..."

"Is Justin working you too hard?"

"No," I replied all to quickly for my liking, "No Justin was great," I shook my head realizing what I said, "Is great...I mean...He's a great boss. That's what I mean."

"You sure you're okay?" She asked looking at me with concerned eyes while pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"Yeah, really I'm fine."

"Well look what the cat dragged in," she said looking behind me. I turned around to see Justin walking down the stairs, shirtless and drool worthy. I quickly looked back and pulled my mug closer to me, taking a sip of the still cold coffee.

"Mornin' Mama," he said wrapping his arm around her shoulder and kissing the top of her head. After picking up a muffin that was sitting on the island he walked around to the breakfast bar grazing my back with his hand before he sat down on the stool next to me. Has he ever done that before? "Hey Em."

"Hey," I said quickly not looking at him as I slid off the stool, "Want some coffee?"

"Love some..."

I flew past Lynn filling my cup with coffee and reaching up to grab him a mug with my other hand, but because I'm such a mess I managed to hit the cup I was filling, knock it over, spill coffee all over myself and the floor and watch the mug shatter into a million pieces. "SHIT!" I yelled putting the pot back in the holder and reaching for a towel hanging on the stove behind me. Lynn appeared at my side with a dustpan and brush, and much to my dismay Justin knelt down in front of me with paper towels. "Sorry, I'll replace your mug...I just..."

"It's okay Em, it's just a mug. Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine, I just want to get this cleaned up."

"You're hand doesn't look fine," he said pointing to my right hand that was swelling faster every second that past.

I didn't even realize that I burnt my hand until I looked down and then the pain started setting in, "It's just burnt, it's fine," I said dealing with the pain to continue to clean the mess making sure to keep my gaze on the floor and not Justin.

"Em..."

"I'm just going to grab some cleaner so that the floor doesn't smell like coffee forever."

"Em..."

"Be careful don't step on that glass."

"EMILY!" he yelled grabbing my wrist as I was getting up causing my focus to now be on him. I looked into his eyes and I instantly felt the urge to cry, but managed to swallow my tears back, "It's okay," he said.

"I know, but I don't want anyone stepping on glass or in coffee so I'm just going to get the cleaner..."

He held onto my wrist tighter not allowing me to get up. I looked back up at him biting my bottom lip, "It's okay," he said again, and from the look in his eyes I knew he wasn't talking about the broken mug or the coffee on the floor.

"Justin go help Emily with her hand, I've got this," I heard Lynn say from behind me but I was unable to take my eyes off Justin. He let go of my wrists and stood up holding his hands out for me to take to help me up as well.

We walked to the bathroom upstairs in silence, me following behind him, and he pushed my shoulders down making me sit on the toilet while he opened the cabinet above the sink to find a first aid kit. He pulled out some burn ointment and gauze then knelt down in front of me to apply it. I squeezed my eyes shut in hopes that not looking would make the pain less, but every now and then I would hiss in pain when he hit a really bad spot. When he started wrapping my hand I opened my eyes and watched him. It looked like we were back in elementary school and he was looking at my hand like a really hard math problem on a test. "So is this how it's going to be now?" he asked while he secured an ace bandage with two hooks, "You're not going to look at me, and you're going to walk around like a zombie?"

I looked at the tile on the floor not really knowing what the right thing was to say in that moment, and a chill went down my body when I felt him put a piece of my hair behind my ear. "I was drunk," was the best thing I could come up with.

"I wasn't."

"Justin..."

"What?"

"Justin..."

"You said that already," he said putting his finger under my chin to push it up so that I'd look at him. "Tell me you wouldn't have done that if you weren't drunk," he paused to really look at me and I felt like I was under some sort of spell, "Tell me that you don't want to kiss me right now...and I'll back off. We'll go back to the way things were before 10pm yesterday and it'll be like nothing ever happened."

"It would never work..."

"Says who?"

"Says life Justin," I replied before standing up to pace the spacious marble bathroom. "There is not one thing that would make me believe we would work."

"Like what?" he stood up and looked at me with a doubtful face.

"Like the fact that you're my boss number one. Number two; you're my brother's best friend. Not to mention the fact that all we ever do is fight, so one of us is bound to get hurt in the end..."

"None of that really matters to you Emily and you know it. You know that we haven't fought like we use to for close to a year, and you don't care about mine and Trace's friendship because you know that no matter what that won't change. And what are you afraid of conflict of interest at work? Last time I checked the only person that can get you in trouble for that is your boss and I think that I could find a way to talk him out of scolding you. So why don't you tell me the real reasons why you don't think it'd work."

"Those are the real reasons! What happens if we don't work out...then what? You're still going to be my boss, and you're still going to be Trace's best friend..."

"What happens if we do work out? Be honest Emmy, you're scared. You're scared because you have feelings for me and you don't know what to do with them because you feel like it's wrong to be happy since Jake is dead. You're looking at the what if's and automatically going to the worst-case scenario because you're not use to things working out for you. You don't want to get hurt, and you think I'll leave and that's the real reason why you think it won't work not because of work or Trace."

I stopped in my tracks in front of him with tears filling my eyes, "You don't get to do that," I said pounding my finger into his chest, "You don't get to tell me how I feel or how I should feel. And even if that were true, can you blame me? 

He shook his head while resting his arms on my shoulders, "Tell me you don't want to kiss me right now."

"I can't kiss you..."

"Tell me you don't want to."

"I can't," I said looking up into his eyes and letting tears fall.

"I'm not going anywhere Em...I'm not going to leave you," he said brushing a tear away with his thumb.

"I'm scared."

"I know," he pulled me close and I rested my head on his chest knowing beyond a reasonable doubt that I wanted to at least give whatever this is a fair shot. "We'll take it slow," he said placing a kiss on the top of my head.

"What if I'm not ready?"

"Listen to me," he said backing away and bending down to be eye level with me, "If it's too much, just tell me okay? I promise you I'll back off and won't make it awkward."

"Okay," I nodded after a few minutes, "Let's...Let's do this," I laughed. "But can we have like a trial period where we don't tell anyone just to see how it goes before I become a staple on E News?"

"What do I look like a magazine subscription? Try it free for 3 months and if you don't like it cancel with no cost to you?" he chuckled.

"You do sell a lot of magazine's Timberlake..."

"Are you going to kiss me yet?"

"Do you accept my trial offer?"

"I accept," he said leaning down, and I smiled before his lips hit mine. "I knew you couldn't resist these lips once you got a taste of them."

"Shut up!" I laughed hitting his arm, "Go...Be normal or something. I'm going to the office, I have more then a ton of work to catch up on."

***

Let me give you a piece of advice. If you're the President of a company, never take more then a week off of work. I know for a while there I slacked and didn't go in for some time but that didn't mean I wasn't doing work at home without people knowing. This time however I've done nothing for a good week and a half and when I walked into my office I couldn't see my desk underneath the pile of work. Not to mention I literally had close to 900 E-Mail's to get through. I sat down at my desk at 9am and I haven't moved for 12 hours. When my office phone beeped I was so focused on getting work done I nearly jumped out of my seat. I hit the red flashing light, "What's up Sandra?"

"Miss Logan, sorry to bother you but Mr. Timberlake is requesting to see you in his office. He says it's an emergency."

"Did he happen to mention what it's about?"

"No, I'm sorry he didn't."

"That's okay, tell him I'll be there in a minute, thanks."

I threw my pen down and looked up at the short stack of paper in front of me feeling really proud of myself for getting so much done. Spinning around on my chair I turned my IPod off and made my way down to Justin's office hoping that this emergency wouldn't have me staying here for another 12 hours. All of the offices down the length of the hallway from mine to his were dark and the doors were closed, and I let out a huge yawn as I looked out of floor to ceiling windows that gave me a view of LA. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up with a job like this.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked after knocking and walking through his door not waiting for an answer.

"What are you doing in there?" he asked from behind his desk that was 80 sizes too big for him.

"Working...What's the big emergency captain?"

"Close the door," he replied not taking his eyes off the computer. I shut the door behind me and stood in front of his desk, "Come look at this."

I walked around to the other side of his desk, and he pushed his chair back so that I could stand in front of the computer, and no sooner did my eyes land on the computer screen did he grab my waist and pull me down on his lap. I laughed putting my left hand over his while looking at the screen. "What's this for? The release party?"

"Nope..."

"Then what?" I asked craning my neck to look at him realizing now that there really was no emergency.

"I'm taking you to dinner...there," he pointed at the screen.

"That's your big emergency Mr. Romance?"

"Yes. I'm hungry, that's the biggest emergency of all," he said pushing me up off his lap and spinning me around to face him.

"Justin I have so much work to do..."

"I heard the boss said everyone had to go home for the night. Something about them coming in to spray for mice. They use deadly chemicals that can't be ingested."

"Did he say that?" I asked tugging on his shirt to pull him down towards me.

"He did," he nodded, "Came in here to tell me and everything."

"Lucky for you I listen to my boss," I said softly grazing my lips against his as I spoke.

"Mmmm," he replied pulling my bottom lip into his mouth, "Lucky me."

I rolled over after looking at the clock on my nightstand. 9am, I still have five hours until my flight back to good ol' Shelby Forest with my boyfriends' mother by my side, but not my boyfriend. That's right, you heard right I said boyfriend. Last week Justin and I went from the dating stage to the official title stage of our relationship. I'm going to be honest at first I didn't think there was any possible way Justin and I would make it past a week of dating, but the guy isn't really the player type that I thought he was. Being with him wasn't like being with anyone else in my past. It didn't really take work; in fact it was easy. This could be due to the fact that we were good friends first, or the fact that we've lived together for close to a year. Whatever it is doesn't really matter at this point though. All I know is that it works, and it's nice and it's beyond unexpected.

I threw the sheets back while moving to sit on the side of the bed. Even though I had five hours, there was a lot that needed to get done before I got on the plane, including packing up my life that has accumulated over the past two months. I stretched letting a loud yawn escape my mouth and just as I was about to get up felt something tugging at my tank top pulling me back down on the bed. "You could just stay," he said as my head hit his chest. I closed my eyes as he ran his hand through my hair. I didn't want to leave, in fact I've been dreading it for the past week and a half, but I knew it had to happen. As much as I loved LA my home was Tennessee. My family was there, my friends were there, and the majority of my work was there.

"Don't make this harder then it has to be Justin..."

"You don't really have to go home."

I turned my head to look at him. His eyes were still closed, his right cheek against the pillow. He worked an overnight last night, I felt him get into bed at 6am. Every doctor he's seen has told him to take it easy and not do the film, but he's insisting that this is a movie that's worth risking his health for. What he doesn't realize is that every time I see that he's been on set for more then 12 hours I panic, and when he comes home at night and has coughing fits or is so tired that he falls asleep at the dinner table I think that he might not wake up in the morning. He's working too much, not sleeping enough, and clearly disregarding everything that everyone tells him. As much as I want to stay here with him I know that with me gone he'll at least be getting more sleep because he won't feel like he has to entertain me with the little time he does have off. "You're right, I don't have to go home. I could just stay here and not get any work done, have the label go under and just lay out in the sun all day everyday for the rest of my life."

"Works for me," he replied in a whisper, his breathing slowing down as he drifted back off to sleep.

I picked myself up leaning on my elbows to keep me steady and watched him for a minute before leaning over to place a soft kiss on his lips. His hand came up to the small of my back as he attempted to kiss me back but exhaustion got the best of him.

***

2:00 rolled around a whole lot faster today then it did any other day. I was sitting on the floor of the closet listening to Justin snore louder then anything I've ever heard before and putting my clothes in a suitcase when my cell phone started buzzing on the floor next to me. Before looking down at the caller ID I made a silent wish that I'd see Trace's face on the screen since we still haven't spoken, but just like every other time I've made that wish in the past month and a half, I was let down.

"Hey Jules," I said feeling a bit defeated.

"So, your meeting with the landscaper for the course is all set for 9am tomorrow," she started without even saying hello back. "The guy seems...well, interesting. I don't think you're going to like him that much, and in my opinion I think you should probably go with the first one."

"Justin hated the first guy so that's a no go. Do me a favor and look up some other local landscapers that have big projects on there resume and set up some meetings for tomorrow and Thursday just in case."

"Okay. Also, we had some trouble yesterday getting Matt in the studio, I guess they double booked and there was a huge altercation. I know this really has nothing to do with you but I'm thinking you might be getting a call either today or tomorrow about it from the studio. They've called me a million times and insist on talking to you..."

"Perfect," I replied laying down on the floor rethinking going home for the hundredth time today. "Anything else?"

"Well...I didn't want to mention it, but the car service that was going to pick you up from the airport double booked so it looks like me and my Mini-Cooper will be meeting you there."

"Of course...no offense to you or your Mini-Cooper, it just doesn't seem like anything is going right."

"None taken. I'd imagine it'd be difficult to come from LA back home to crummy old Tennessee. Never mind everything else on top of it."

"You have no idea..."

"I'll track your flight and see you around 10ish."

"Thanks...Oh and Jules?" I yelled remembering I had to ask her a question.

"Yeah?"

"I hate to do this to you, I really do, but Justin left a suit at the dry cleaners three months ago, and if it's not picked up by today they're going to sell it or some shit. Could you please do me a huge favor and pick it up for me?" I asked making a pretty please face even though she couldn't see me.

"I'm on it."

"Thanks Jules, I owe you one. See you at ten." I hit the red end button and threw my phone into my suitcase that was piled to the brim with clothes. I was telling myself all day that I wanted to go home. I wanted to see my friends and family, and I wanted to sort things out with Trace. But the truth of the matter is that I want nothing more then to never return to Tennessee again. In LA it was like I had no worries. I didn't have to deal with Trace and psycho bitch Bri, Ma and Pa weren't on my ass about coming over for dinner every other day, and there was nothing here to remind me of Jake. I think that that is what I was the most nervous about. I could handle all the crap at the office, and I know eventually Trace and I will make amends, but I haven't been back home since Justin and I started dating so I don't know how I'm going to feel passing by the places that Jake and I use to frequent. Or what it was going to be like for me when I go into the home that we built together. Dating Justin in LA was safe. Dating Justin in Shelby Forest is going to be a whole new ballgame. "God help me," I sighed knowing that I had to sit up and zip my bag so that I could meet the car service out front in 10 minutes, but not wanting any part of it.

"I think you're going to need more then God's help." I sat up quickly with my hand over my heart to see Justin standing in the doorway of the closet.

"What are you doing up?"

"Are they really going to sell my suit?" he asked ignoring my question.

"Yes," I replied throwing the last of my clothes in my bag. I looked up at him when he didn't respond to see his eyebrow raised as he leaned on the door frame, "What?"

"They are not going to sell my suit..."

"Well...no. But they did call and they're really mad that it's still there."

"And you're sending Julie to pick it up because?" he asked sitting down next to me as I zipped my bag closed. He knew the reason why so I wasn't about to humor him with an answer. I stood up in front of him pulling my bag up with me. Just as I was about to walk away he grabbed me by my waist and pulled me down on top of him. He put his chin on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my waist. "You know that you can still talk to me about this right?"

I nodded my head locking my fingers with his feeling a wave of sadness and confusion come over me. "You still haven't told me what you're doing up."

"You still haven't told me why you're sending your personal assistant to pick up my suit."

"Because your personal assistant is in LA with you and your suit is in Tennessee."

"Or because it's at the dry cleaners that you use to go to every week to pick up Jake's suits?"

"Or that..." he didn't say anything, just turned his head to the left and placed a kiss on my neck and rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. For anyone else this would be weird. Talking about your dead fiancé with your new boyfriend shouldn't be easy. It should be awkward and uncomfortable, but with us it's easy. He gets it...he gets me and he doesn't feel like any less of a man because this still bothers me. "I just...I don't know how I'll feel. And you'll be here..."

"It's going to be kind of hard to avoid everything to do with Jake you know that right?"

"I'm scared to go back without you," I said putting my strong front to the side to tell him how I really felt.

"I know...But I'm just a phone call away. And you'll be busy with work and the benefit," he spun me around so that I was facing him with my legs wrapped around his waist. He pushed my hair out of my eyes before putting his forehead against mine; "If you need me there I will get on the first plane to Memphis. I promise."

"I know." I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. We were only going to be apart for three weeks, but I was going to miss him. I was going to miss this, feeling his arms wrapped around me. Knowing that I was safe. Knowing that I had my best friend at my side. "Why are you up?" I asked after a few minutes of bliss, knowing that the car was going to be outside any second.

"To drive you and Mama to the airport," he kissed my cheek and pushed me up, before standing in front of me to kiss my lips. 

"I told you I called a car service, he's going to be here any minute..."

"And I uncalled the car service because I want to take you."

"You should be sleeping Mr. Timberlake."

"You shouldn't worry so much Ms. Logan. Come on, I'll help you bring all your stuff down to the car."

"What, no long tearful goodbye? Get it out now because it can't happen at the airport with your Mama and cameras around..."

He framed my face with his hands, dipping his head down to put his lips on mine. I closed my eyes holding the back of his head with my hand and fell into his lips taking in every last second of his mouth on mine, praying it would last me three weeks time. The minute his lips came off of mine and went to the tip of my nose I missed them, and knew that in a matter of two hours I wouldn't know what to do with myself without them. "Call me when you land, and make up with your brother would ya?"

"Only if you promise to take it easy and not get yourself sick."

"Deal."

***

The plane ride from LA to Memphis was depressing. I was leaving the perfect little Emily and Justin bubble that we've managed to make for ourselves and diving back into reality. It probably wasn't such a good thing that I've practically cut myself off from everyone besides Justin and the people I work with while I was in LA, but it was a nice departure from the constant stressing and weight on my shoulders.

Lynn fell asleep the moment the plane took off, and I was left to keep myself occupied for the next four hours which most of the time only leads to disaster. I pulled my laptop out of it's bag to check my E-Mail's and noticed that Ma had sent me some final stuff to approve for the benefit concert that's being held in Jake's name next week. It was something that I've been working on excessively, wanting it to go off perfectly not only because it's in Jake's memory but because it's featuring all of the artists on the label. It was the perfect way to raise money for the scholarship and to promote our artists. I clicked open the E-mail and kicked my feet up on the ottoman in front of me, one of the many perks of flying privately.

Emsie,

Everything is pretty much in place for the benefit next week; the only thing we have left is the slideshow. I attached a bunch of pictures that I think should be included and was hoping you'd have enough time to add some of your own and put it to appropriate music. I know this will probably be really hard for you, so if you don't feel up to it just let me know. Love you, and miss you a lot. Can't wait to see you tomorrow.

Love,

Ma

I looked at the body of the E-Mail for a while trying to will myself to open the attachment. Planning this event has been a breeze for me, but I've known all along that once it came down to this I was probably going to turn into a blubbering mess. After a good 20 minutes of self-convincing I finally opened up all of the pictures. Surprisingly I was able to go through them and edit them without too much of a problem, and I was even able to add my own in there without shedding a tear or feeling more then one or two pangs in my heart. I searched for what seemed like hours for a song that was appropriate for the slideshow. Nothing seemed to fit right and I was getting frustrated on the verge of giving up when I looked down and saw the flyer for the benefit sitting next to me on the couch. Under a picture of Jake was the words "In Loving Memory," and I knew right then what song I was going to use.

I added the song to the slideshow, hitting play without hesitation. As I watched the pictures pop up on my computer screen with the music playing in the background, I completely lost it. Tears started steaming down my face as I saw all that I had left of Jake appear and disappear right before my eyes. Memories started flooding my brain as I saw photos of us back in college when we first met. Jake standing in front of the first house he ever built. The two of us, standing on the steps of our home with the keys dangling in my hand. Jake, down on one knee proposing to me, a picture that I had no clue even existed until I saw it in the attachments Ma had sent me. Four minutes of trembling hands and tears later, the slideshow faded to black and I leaned my head back on the couch closing my eyes trying to compose myself wondering if it was normal to still feel so much sadness and grief. Moments later I felt Lynn's hand grab onto mine, and I couldn't help but let a small smile form on my lips.

"You did a very good job on that sweetheart," she said squeezing my hand.

"Thanks," I replied through a sniffle opening my eyes to see that she had closed the laptop, "It still hurts..."

"It will always hurt Emily."

"I just...I feel like I'm never going to be the same, like I'm damaged goods or something because I just miss him so much."

"You are not damaged goods. Jake will always be a part of you, and everyone should understand that. I know Justin does..." I shook my head knowing what she was implying and unable to verbally lie to her face. "I'm no dummy Emily Logan, I've lived with you two for the past month and a half...It's okay I won't tell anyone. He understands, and don't you ever think you're not good enough for anyone...especially him," she said laughing and causing me to do the same.

I felt the plane hit the runway as I turned to hug her, "Don't tell him I told you okay?"

"My lips are sealed..."

***

After hugging Lynn goodbye before she got in the car Paul was driving and assuring her that my ride was on its way I called Justin. Sitting down on the bench at the pick up/drop off area I listened to his phone ring 6 times before his voicemail picked up. I saw Julie's Mini-Cooper pull in when his machine beeped.

Hey it's Em. Just wanted to let you know that we landed, I paused not really knowing if I should say what I wanted to but soon realizing that if it was really going to work between the two of us I'm going to have to tell him everything, and he's just going to have to understand. I did the slideshow for the benefit on the plane and cried. I'm always going to miss him Justin, but that doesn't change my feelings for you...I just really thought you should know that. Call me when you can, bye."

Right as I hung up the phone Julie got out of the car and ran over jumping into my arms, "I can't even explain how much I've missed you! I know you're my boss and everything but seriously, don't ever leave me without girl time for this long again!"

"I missed you too Jules," I said picking up one of my bags to put in the trunk.

"So where are you off to, your house or Justin's?"

The minute she asked the question a light bulb went on in my head and I felt almost a sense of calm come over me. I smiled, looking at her dead in the eyes, "Justin's house is my home..."

I think that everyone expects it to be easier to sleep when there is complete silence, especially when you're surrounded by chaos for so long. For months I'd practically been begging for silence because between the dogs and Justin's disgustingly loud snoring it was nearly impossible for me to sleep for more then two hours straight. What I realize now is that I'd give anything to hear a dog sigh really loud or jiggle the tags on its collar, and I'd kill to hear Justin snoring next to me. The silence is almost unnerving, and apparently I've gotten use to falling asleep to noise, which has now made me unable to fall asleep when there is deafening silence.

The clock read 2:13am when I rolled over for the last time and realized that sleep wasn't going to happen tonight. I counted back 3 hours in my head, 11:13pm; he's working another night so there goes that option. The TV did me absolutely no good since all that was on were infomercials and just as I was about to get up and clean the entire house I thought of what I use to do when I was little when I couldn't fall asleep. I lunged over to the nightstand to grab my glasses, not even deeming it necessary to put contacts in before throwing on one of my old college sweatshirts, grabbing the keys to my car and hitting the road.

It only took me 10 minutes to get to the house, and it wasn't until I put the key in the door that I realized some might deem this a little creepy, but at this point I didn't care. Walking up the familiar steps and turning left instead of right was something that most people would overlook but in my head I made a mental note of how strange it felt. I knocked lightly on what use to be my guest bedroom door and when I didn't hear a response come from the other side I turned the gold knob slowly as to not make too much noise. After a few seconds of my eyes adjusting to the darkness I tiptoed over to the left side of the bed making sure that I was about to wake up my brother and not the psychopath.

"Trace," I whispered after seeing his shaved head sticking out from under the covers. He didn't move, so I put my hand on his shoulder calling his name again a little bit louder this time. Again, nothing. "Trace Face!" I said in an almost normal tone of voice while shaking his arm.

"What the...."

"Shhh," I said putting my pointer finger over my lips when he was about to yell, "It's just me."

"What the hell Em! It's almost 3 in the morning," he said in a tone of voice that was by no means a whisper, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Would you shut up, you're going to wake her up..."

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He asked again whispering this time.

"Get up," I said putting my hand over my mouth when I saw Attila the Hun move next to him.

"It's three in the morning!"

"Come on," I pointed to the beast who was about to arise, "We're going on the roof."

"Emily, we are not 10 anymore."

"But I can't sleep Trace..."

He looked down at Bri who had curled back up into a ball and fallen back into a deep sleep before giving me a look of death. I pleaded with him by giving him a sad puppy dog face and knew I won when he let out a deep sigh before rolling his eyes, throwing back the covers and putting a T-Shirt on. I turned on my heel walking out the door and halfway down the hall where I pulled the string hanging from the ceiling to release the ladder leading up to the attic. I felt him step on the ladder after me once I was halfway up and I made my way to the sliding window and out onto the roof as he closed the attic door behind him. Once I heard him close the window and sit down next to me, I lay down on my back and waited for him to do the same. We didn't say anything for a while just lay there in silence listening to the crickets and every now and then hearing a car go by on the street below us. I knew he was waiting for me to start, so I looked up to see what I could find. "I see a penguin to the left of the north star."

"I see a house under the penguin's right foot."

"There's a baseball bat on the roof of the house."

"And a beach ball," he said quickly letting out a small chuckle. We stayed there on the roof finding objects hidden in the stars for a good hour until both of us were coming up empty handed. Once we were silent for a few minutes I heard him turn his head and look at me, "You tired yet?"

"Not really...you?"

"Not anymore..."

"Well," I said figuring now was as good a time as any to sort things out, "Good news...I'm not pregnant!"

"I never thought you were Em," he folded his hands behind his head and closed his eyes, "But I know you're dating him..."

I knew that the minute Trace and I actually talked this was going to come up, and Justin and I already agreed to tell him that we were dating but the whole Justin being sick part was up to him to tell. "I wasn't dating him when I talked to you Trace I swear."

"But you are now?"

"Yes," I answered proudly so that he wouldn't think I had any second thoughts about being with him, because I didn't.

I turned to look at him as he took his hands out from under his head and ran them down his face, "Oh Emily, Emily, Emily. This is just not good."

"Why?" I asked pushing myself up and leaning on my elbows, "Why is it so wrong for me to date him?"

"How much time do you have? Because I don't think it's enough for me to list all of the reasons why it's a bad idea."

"Give me five reasons why..."

"Okay," he said sitting up crossing his legs at his ankles, "Number one he's your boss, so when you break up if he doesn't fire you I'm sure he'll probably make your life miserable. Number two you live with him, so when you break up that'll be one hell of an awkward living situation...although you'll probably spend most of your time apart since he's constantly working. Point C, he's my best friend so when you guys break up that's going to leave me the middle man and I'm going to have to have a falling out with one of you which is not really beneficial to me, then--"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out," I cut in waving my arms in the air like a mad woman. "Why does your reason always have to include, 'so when you break up'? What if we don't break up Trace?"

"Because it's bound to happen Emily. Not sure if you've noticed yet, but Justin is a workaholic. His work always comes first whether he's doing music, acting, buying fucking golf courses or whatever else he does. You will never be number one. That's nothing against you it's just how Justin is. Why do you think none of his other relationships worked? People got sick of coming second fiddle to a fucking record or a movie."

"Maybe it's different with me," I said getting defensive, trying to convince myself that it actually was.

"So if you called him right now he'd answer?"

"He's working a night..."

"I rest my case," he leaned back with his hands behind his head and closed his eyes.

"He's at work! If I was busy at work I wouldn't answer the phone either..."

"So tell me this, what happens if say you get hit by a car and there's only time to call one person before you fucking die and you choose Justin who doesn't answer because he's on set, then what?"

"That's a fucking low blow and you know it," I stood up tears filling my eyes. "You don't have to support this, I'm not asking you to and you are under no obligation to just like I don't support your relationship with that gold digging slutbag downstairs. I told you because you are my brother and we are suppose to be able to tell each other everything. I'm happy again Trace. He makes me smile, and I feel safe with him. If you can't see that, then that's not my problem. I was hoping that for once you'd look past your friendship with Justin and the possible problems that could occur and just be happy for me, but I understand if you can't do that."

"This is what you don't get Em!" he screamed standing up in front of me, "This isn't about my friendship with Justin it's about you! I don't want to see you get hurt, and I can't bear to see you have to go through everything that happened with Jake again. And I don't want to see your life get bombarded with paparazzi and the media that's going to turn your world upside down. If you're happy with Justin, that's great...but I'm never going to be okay with you having to deal with all of the extra shit just because he is who he is. I know Justin," he was pointing at himself now, his face turning red in the darkness, "I've seen Justin in relationships and he tries...he tries so hard to love someone and put them first, but it's just not in his blood. He won't be different with you. I'm sorry, but he won't."

"Maybe," I said after a few minutes of staring at him blinking back tears, "Maybe it's not about him being different. Maybe it's about me not being the other girls that he's dated. Look, I don't know if we're going to work out. For all I know we could break up tomorrow, but that's a chance I'm willing to take." I walked towards the window sliding it open before turning back to him, "You are my brother, I love you and I appreciate your concern, but I'm dating Justin whether you like it or not. I just hope that it won't effect our relationship because it's been hell not talking to you for the past month and a half." I threw my legs over the window sill turning around again to see Trace still standing in the same spot on the roof, "Thanks for coming out here with me...Sometimes it's nice to put all this bullshit to the side and feel like we're kids again..."

I walked directly out of the house getting into my car and pulling out of the driveway without any hesitation. I got about half way down the street when I stopped to turn around and I saw Trace sitting down on the roof. I knew that I was secure in my relationship with Justin, but there was something nagging me about what Trace said.

After taking a right and losing sight of my brother in the rearview mirror I slipped my hand in the pocket of my sweatshirt and took out my cell phone scrolling down to J in my contacts and hitting send on Justin's name. It was 2 in the morning LA time and I knew he was still on set. The chances of him answering the phone were slim to none, which I knew and understood, but for some reason I felt the need to test him.

I listened to the phone ring 5 times as I drove down the street and felt my heart sink a little bit on the 6th ring knowing that I was about to get his voicemail. Could I live with this? Am I really okay knowing that I'm always going to come second? What if I needed him...Would he actually come? I snapped back to reality when I heard a voice coming from the phone that I didn't turn off that was now sitting on my lap that didn't sound like Justin's machine. I put the phone back up to my ear, "Em...Are you there?"

"Justin?" I asked as if I didn't just call him 20 seconds ago.

"Hey...are you okay?" A hint of worry was present in his voice.

"You answered," I said after a few seconds, feeling the worry that was in the pit of my stomach suddenly disappear.

"Of course I answered. Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"I'm fine I just...I didn't think you'd answer."

"What are you doing up at 5 in the morning?"

"I couldn't sleep, so I went to Trace's and sat on the roof with him."

"Some things never change...Did you tell him about us?"

"Yeah," a smile crept up on my face liking the way he asked about 'us' as I turned into my driveway, "He's not happy about it but he'll get over it."

"He always does." He didn't say anything for a while but just knowing that he was on the other end of the phone made me feel a million times better about our situation. "Hey Em?"

"Mmm," I replied getting back into bed closing my eyes as my head hit the pillow.

"If I tell you something, do you promise you won't go run and tell US Weekly?"

"Depends on what it is and how much money I can make off of it."

"Well, I guess it's worth the risk..."

"Tell me..."

"I kind of miss you already," he said with sadness in his voice.

"I miss you too Justin," I said with a smile on my face curling up in a ball under the covers.

"Go get some rest. I'll talk to you in the morning."

"Goodnight Justin..."

"Goodnight Emmy."

Sleeping hasn't gotten any easier, but since our rooftop chat Trace and I have managed to at least have a civil relationship where we are able to speak to each other without screaming. Granted the topic of Justin and I's relationship hasn't been brought up since that night, but at this point I'll take what I can get. I've been back in Tennessee for a week now, and I've been working non-stop on the benefit that was finally happening tonight. Sure all of my other work was totally slacking but I think I could find a way to get around my boss getting mad at me about it.

I've been at the venue now since 6am and everything that could have possibly gone wrong, has gone wrong. The caterer got into a car accident with the food in the truck that is now all over the highway, the power has gone out more then once, and for some reason there were a thousand problems during sound check. I've been ordering people around all day and I'm pretty sure my head is about to explode when I catch Trace in the corner making out with Bri. It's not every day that I boss him around but he promised to be on his best behavior today and agreed to help me out as much as he could. I was making my way over to them when I heard Ma yell for me. When I turned to see the look on her face, I knew it wasn't good so instead of castrating my brother I walked over to her with a look of sheer fear on my face. "What now?"

"It'll all be okay sweetie," she said pulling me in for a hug. I was stressing out and for the first time since leaving LA wishing that I never left. I've been doing fine without Justin here since I've been busy and stuff, but right now I needed him with me and I was dying without him. Sure I had power, and people listened to me but when it comes down to it, when Justin Timberlake said to jump people asked how high. When I say to jump, they say just give me 5 minutes and I'll get right on it. I knew all along that Justin wouldn't be able to make it today, but you can't blame a girl for wanting him here. "Now don't have a tizzy or anything, but the cake guy has you booked for tomorrow not today so we're kind of down the cake..."

"Why me," I pouted stomping my feet like a two year old while pulling my cell phone out of my back pocket. Finding someone to make me a cake in four hours was going to be near impossible at this point, but I managed to get more food so maybe a cake wasn't so out of reach.

The venue was a small concert hall that we rearranged and set up to look like an awards show. This way people could enjoy the music while also eating, so luckily for me there was a backstage area where I could throw myself onto a couch to try and sort out the cake debacle. I called the only three bakery's I knew of that were close by and could provide a cake for 500 people, but all of them told me that there was no way they'd be able to do a cake for tonight. I threw my phone across the room and not 5 seconds later Julie came barging in the door holding her phone out to me, "For you," she said staring down at her personal blackberry while handing her work IPhone to me.

"Why?" I asked closing my eyes not wanting to deal with another problem. When I realized she wasn't going to answer me I grabbed the phone out of her hands taking a deep breath to prepare myself for another catastrophe. "Emily Logan..."

"Did you get my package?" asked a deep sketchy voice on the other end of the phone.

"What? Who is this?" I sat up, a jolt of nervousness running through me.

"Who do you think this is?"

"Okay seriously, I don't have time for games...who the fuck is this?"

"Jeez, they weren't kidding when they said you were stressing out," came Justin's real voice and I let out the breath I was holding in.

"Why the hell would you try and scare me like that?"

"Calm down, I was just trying to lighten the mood. I've been told you're kind of off your rocker today."

"With good reason!" I yelled, "Nothing has gone right, and I mean nothing. The food, the cake, the sound...it's a disaster."

"I'm sure it'll be great. I have faith that you'll figure everything out...but seriously did you get the package I sent you? It was suppose to be delivered to the venue two hours ago."

"No one said anything about a package being delivered, let me go check up the front," I said pushing myself up off the couch and walking towards the door.

"They were suppose to deliver it to the loading dock," he replied quickly, "Check there first."

I spun around on my toes to walk in the opposite direction towards the loading dock elevators putting my borrowed key in the lock to open up the doors, "What did you send me a car? What is it that it's at the loading dock?"

"You'll see," he said before he started whistling as the elevator made its decent to the ground floor.

The beeping prompted me to put the key in to open up the large metal doors and when they slid open I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the floor right before Julie's cell phone did. I ran...no I sprinted forward, relief running through my body at the sight of the cake I ordered 2 months ago sitting in front of me, and the delivery guys back towards me pulling something else out of the truck, "Oh my gosh...they said that they messed up my order I thought this wasn't even coming today!" I was shrieking like a child on Christmas morning not even realizing that I totally left Justin hanging on the phone that I dropped in the elevator, "This cake is amazing. Look at the details they're so intricate. I've never been so happy to see a cake before in my life," I said marveling in the small details I didn't even know were possible to get on a cake. "This is like something you see on that show...what's it called...the one with the loud Italian guy. Cake...Cake something--"

"Are you just going to leave me hanging?" The deliver guy asked in a frustrated voice.

"Oh right...I need to pay you," I said not even looking up, reaching into my back pocket to pull out my credit card. I was met with an empty pocket and my mind started racing not knowing where the last place I put it down was, "I think I left the card upstairs...let me run up there real quick and--" When I looked up and saw who I thought was standing in front of me my mouth stopped moving and my brain stopped working. I quickly closed my eyes and shook my head to make sure I was actually seeing straight, and when I opened them back up I was still sure my mind was playing tricks on me.

"So...you are just going to leave me hanging," came a voice that was no longer frustrated, but laced with sarcasm.

"What the hell..."

"So first," he started making his way around the cart the cake was on, "You drop the phone without even bothering to thank me for your package, and then you don't even acknowledge the fact that I'm standing right in front of you."

Justin put his hands on my waist, looking down at me with disappointed eyes, and all I could do was look at him with my mouth hanging open. I was shocked, never in a million years did I expect him to show up like this and surprise me. Knots formed in my stomach because for some reason I suddenly got nervous. I didn't know what to do next. I knew I wanted to jump in his arms, kiss him, and thank him a million times for coming but I wasn't sure if that was appropriate at this point in time since we were standing in a very public loading dock. "I...I...I am just a little...shocked?"

"There's no one else out here," he said as if he had just read my mind as he leaned his forehead against mine. Chills ran up my spine when he lifted his left hand to brush it against my cheek, and as soon as I lifted my arms to wrap them around his neck his lips hit mine and it felt like we've finally achieved peace on earth. It sounds so cliché, and I use to be that person that scoffed at people that said a kiss could make everything okay, but it's true. My day was shitty, and somehow after backing away from his lips I had a new lease on life. "Now that's more like it," he said leaning down to peck my lips one last time, backing away just in time to see someone walking up to the loading dock.

"Almost caught," I said running my finger over my now smiling lips while watching a delivery guy unload the back of his truck.

"Almost being the key word..."

"What are you doing here? Mr. I can't get any time off but I wish I could be there with you." I asked slapping his arm playfully.

"I managed to pull a few strings here and there," he replied with a smirk.

"Well," I stepped back so that I wouldn't jump his bones right then and there due to the extremely sexy look he was giving me, "You know that now I'm going to have to put you to work right?"

"I'm at your service my lady..."

People started flooding the loading dock around us as two other trucks pulled in, one containing the food that had to be prepared for the event, and another with a new soundboard. I found myself taking a couple of steps backwards giving the people that probably weren't even paying any attention to us no reason to believe that we could possibly be dating. As excited as I was to see him, this was going to be the start of all things confusing about our relationship. He cleared his throat snapping me back to reality, and when I looked up at him he didn't even have to tell me not to worry because his eyes did all the talking for him. "So," I said looking around him at the cake that I had totally forgotten about for the last five minutes, "Wanna bring that to the kitchen?"

"It would be my pleasure!" He spun around to get behind the cart and started pushing it.

Just as he was about to pass me, he patted me on the head like a little dog and stuck his tongue out at me causing me to let out a soft chuckle. I turned to watch him try and figure out how the elevator worked and called out his name just as the doors were about to close. He turned the key to the left to stop them nodding his head at me to continue. "You look good," I said commenting on the weight that he's gained back and the amazingly drool worthy muscle definition in his arms and chest that has reappeared since the last time I saw him.

"So do you," he smiled holding his gaze with me for a little bit longer then normal. He raised his right hand holding up Julie's phone and turned the key to close the elevator doors, "I'll give this to Jules for you." The bars came down on the inside door, "I missed you Em," and then the large black metal outside doors slid shut.

"I missed you too Justin," I whispered to no one but myself.

***

Things didn't magically get better just because Justin showed up. Things kept going wrong, but I was somehow more relaxed and able to handle the different issues with a more level head. I think once people realized that he was there they expected him to take over, but he kind of just waited in the wings for me to tell him what to do just like everyone else. This was my thing, something that I had been working on on my own and he was respectful in not using his name and the power that comes with it to take over something he really didn't have that big of a part of. For that, I was appreciative.

As the time of the event drew closer I started to panic. My parents and I had been planning for this for months, and even though by then all of the kinks had been worked out, I was nervous that it would end in disaster and not only would the benefit, and my name go down the shitter, but so would the record label and it would be all my fault. I was standing in one of the dressing rooms looking myself over for the millionth time in the floor to ceiling mirror before I had to go on and give the introduction when I heard a knock at the door. "Come in..."

Watching the door behind me open in the mirror I expected to see Justin walk through it, but was pleasantly surprised when I saw Trace appear. "It's getting pretty full out there," he closed the door behind him, making his way to stand next to me both of us looking at each other in the mirror.

"I can't really decide if that's a good or a bad thing right now."

"How are you feeling?" he asked brushing a piece of lint off the shoulder of my black one shouldered mini.

"I feel like I'm going to throw up all over the place actually..."

"Well...are you pregnant?"

"No Trace," I scoffed eyeing him angrily in the mirror, "I'm not pregnant."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure."

"Positive?"

"Are you really trying to have the 'Are you having sex with Justin' talk with me right now?"

"Not really, but are you?"

I turned to him no longer looking through reflective glass at his questioning face. I can understand how this would be weird for him, but at the same time I wish he could just accept it like he would any other person I decided to date. He stared at me waiting very impatiently for an answer. An answer that under normal circumstance I would never give him, but since I needed to focus on the task at hand tonight and not his constant questioning gaze I gave in, "I haven't had sex with Justin...YET," I added as his shoulders dropped and he let out a relieved sigh. "I will at some point, probably soon, be having sex with Justin and you are just going to have to be okay with that and not make a big deal about it."

"It just doesn't seem right Em. I mean it's Justin...and you're my sister."

"And Justin is still your best friend, and I'm still your sister. Look, I can't do this right now okay? I have a huge benefit that I've worked months to prepare for that's about to start and dealing with you not being able to accept my relationship with Justin isn't on the top of my list of things to be stressing out about right now."

"I'm sorry Em, but it's kind of weird passing him in the hallway and all I can think about is him boning you..."

"Trace. I love you. You are my brother, you will always be my brother and I will always love you. But you have to get over it. Justin is your best friend, and he misses you. You two were attached at the hip and now all of a sudden you won't answer his calls just because he's dating me and we're happy together. And I'm your partner in crime, but lately I cringe every time I talk to you because I fear you're going to get mad at me just for being happy. There is no need for you to be uncomfortable. He's still your best friend, and I'm still your sister. We are the same people. Now I would appreciate it if we could continue this conversation at another time if you insist on talking about it further," I said catching my breath after spitting out my long shpeal in a matter of 5 seconds.

There was another knock at the door but I said nothing in response to it, just looked at Trace who appeared to be shocked by my abrupt reaction. "Em?" said a muffled voice behind the door before the knob turned and Justin appeared from behind it. "Oh sorry," he said before starting to walk out and close the door again.

"No, it's okay," Trace answered not taking his eyes off of me, "I was just leaving." His voice sounded like he was pissed and inside it made me really upset, but this was the reality of it. Justin and I were dating and I wasn't going to stop just because Trace didn't like it. So to say that I was shocked when he pulled me in for a hug was an understatement, and I was met with the same shock on Justin's face when I looked at him over Trace's shoulder, "Good luck tonight. I'm proud of you," he said before turning around to walk up to Justin. He shook his hand and pulled him in for a hug, patting his back as he stepped away. "Hurt her and I will murder you with my bare hands."

"I...I won't," he stuttered.

"Good," he put his fist out and Justin responded by pounding his fist against his best friends, "It's good to see you man..."

"Yeah...you too," Justin replied as Trace hit his back and walked out the door, closing it behind him. After a couple of seconds of staring at the back of the door he turned back to face me, "What the fuck was that?"

"I have absolutely no clue," I said staring at him in amazement, "I think that may have been Trace's way of approving our relationship but..."

"Are you okay?" he moved closer to me rubbing his hands up and down my arms when I stepped back to lean up against the wall and closed my eyes.

"Yeah...This is just a lot. I mean this event is finally happening, then Trace decides to spring this on me. You're here which is great but at the same time a little strange since no one really knows about us and this is a benefit for my fiancé. I'm just stressing out a little bit and--"

"Emily sweetie," I pushed Justin off of me when I heard Jake's parents walking towards the door. My head was literally spinning and nerves shot through my veins. I came in here to get ready and compose myself for the night, and now all of a sudden I'm being bombarded with obstacle after obstacle. I looked at myself in the mirror brushing my dress down before the door opened again and Justin sat down on the couch. "Oh Emily it looks incredible out there," Catherine West, the woman who was suppose to be my mother-in-law came running at me engulfing me in a tight hug.

"We're so proud of you," her husband Michael added squeezing my hand while I was still scooped up in the hug.

"Thanks you guys, it really means a lot," I said backing away still holding onto Cat's hands. I caught a glimpse of Justin sitting on the couch taking it all in, "You've met Justin right? My...my um...my boss," I managed to spit out pointing over to him as they turned there heads to look at him. They went through the normal nice to meet you's and chatted for a couple of minutes while I watched realizing how ironic it was to have these people that were so close to being my in laws now having a conversation with my current boyfriend.

The three of them walked out of the room together a few minutes later when I got the heads up that we were about to start. I stopped at the foot of the stairs by the stage nerves taking over every ounce of me. I turned my head to the right and saw Justin turn his head back to me at the same time and wink as he walked arm and arm with Cat to there assigned table, and for the first time that day I smiled a genuine smile. This is it, I thought as the DJ started revving up the crowd before I got on stage to start the show. This is what I've been working so hard on and whether it goes off perfectly or if it sucks, it doesn't matter because everyone in this room is here because they love Jake. It took the simplest of winks to finally make me realize that, but I do now as I walk up to the stage and am met with a bright light and 500 of the most amazing people I've ever met.

"Wow," I said into the microphone hearing my own voice echo back at me, "This is pretty amazing. First of all I want to thank all of you for coming out for this great cause, and I want to thank everyone that helped me put this together. From the people that set up the tables and chairs to my parents and my brother who helped me every step of the way."

I took a minute to take in everything around me. How the stage and the tables were set up, and all of the quiet faces looking back at me. I promised myself that I would not cry on this stage tonight, but I could feel the tears forming in my eyes as I started talking again, "Jake was the most incredible human being walking the face of this earth. He was kind, and gentle, and would do anything in his power that he could for anyone." As the first tear slipped down my cheek I looked down at the white X made of tape on the stage in front of me indicating where I should be standing, and when I began to look up I caught Justin's eye.

I was biting down on my bottom lip and started tapping my foot on the floor in an attempt to get it together as I stared at him. His eyes' telling me that it was okay to be emotional. It was okay to feel the way that I'm feeling and to let it all out. I focused on him as I continued, "Jacob West was the love of my life. He was the one that made me smile. He was the one that let me know things would get better when I was in a slump. He was the one that was there for me every step of the way. The day we got engaged was the day that all of the pieces of the puzzle that is my life fit together. I was his Emmy, and knowing that I was going to have him by my side forever made everything else seem so minor. He was taken from me too soon. He was taken from his parents, and his sister too soon. His nieces and nephews will never really remember their Uncle Jay, and to me the saddest thing of all is that there are people in this world that will never know how absolutely amazing he was." I looked from Justin's eyes that had puddles forming in them to his mother that was sitting next to him, then to my parents, my brother, and finally to Cat and Michael. "I loved your son so much, and I always will. You raised him to be the man that he was and for that you should be so proud. And even though we never made it down the aisle you guys will always be a part of my life."

I finally shifted my gaze back to the audience in front of me scanning the crowd one last time before I finished, tears still staining my cheeks. "The money raised tonight will go to 3 scholarships for freshman who plan on going to the University of Memphis to study business just like Jake did. Thank you all again, so much for being here to honor Jake. I know he's watching over us tonight, and if he were here his smile would be lighting up the room. I love you Jake...And I miss you so much."

With that I returned the microphone to the stand next to me and made my way down the steps as the lights were dimmed and the slideshow began. The introduction to the song started just as I got to the end of the stars and turned around to watch it, and almost as if the timing was planned Justin appeared at my side. His pinky grazing mine to let me know that he was there for me, but not allowing anyone else to think much of it as the pictures started appearing and the song began to be sung.

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And I'll come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still
And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

"He still loves you Em," he said as the song and screen faded out.

"I know..." I said looking from the stage into his eyes linking my pinky with his, "And he'd be happy that I'm happy with you."

"Drum roll please...And the award, for the greatest bowler on the planet Earth is...Trace the envelope please...EMILY LOGAN!!!!!"

I jumped up on the pristine white couch holding a shot of tequila in my left hand and the Wii controller that was in my right hand up to my mouth as a mock microphone. "Thank you, thank you everyone! Please hold your applause. First of all I'd like to thank my family who has supported me through thick and thin my entire life. Without them I would be nothing...absolutely nothing," I said slurring my words while trying to catch my balance that was slowly making me lean my calves on the back of the couch. "Secondly...Secondly? Is that a word? Ah fuck it...Secondly I'd like to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for blessing me with this talent and the ability to share it with the rest of the world. And FINALLY, I need to thank the man of my dreams...the person who saved my life. My one, my only. Mr. JC Chasez everyone!" I heard JC cheer from the couch as I threw the shot back, and was met quickly with Justin's face when I opened my eyes, and soon I was thrown over his shoulder. Instinct was to try and get out of his firm grip on the back of my knees so I immediately started punching his ass and attempted to bite his back. 

"Keep touching my ass Logan and see what happens to you..."

"Oh!" I yelled continuing to slap his ass as I dangled from his shoulder, "Will it involve nudity?"

"It will involve the nudity of two separate parties," he replied throwing me down on the love seat and plopping down next to me.

"I hope it's me and JC," I said quickly and was met with laughs from everyone else in the room except Justin who instantly hopped on me and started to tickle me. After what felt like hours of torture he finally let up kissing me seductively on the lips and pulling away just when I wrapped my legs around his waist. "No fair," I pouted sticking my bottom lip out at him.

"You think that's no fair?" he asked trying to pull my hands apart that were wrapped around his neck, "Wait until tonight when you want some and I don't give it to you."

"Get a fucking room!" Trace begged from the couch next to us.

"You wouldn't dare," I said eyeing Justin and ignoring my brothers' desperate plea.

"Oh you just wait and see little--"

"SERIOUSLY! My ears are bleeding!"

"Shut up Trace," we said at the same time causing us to look at each other and let out a small laugh.

"You need to get over it," I continued throwing my head off the side of the loveseat to look at him upside down. "We have sex...all the time. Good sex...great sex...MINDBLOWING sex, and we have been for four months. So be a man and deal with the fact that your sister is having sex with your best friend. Not to mention," I said throwing my finger up to make another solid point, "You should be thanking us...all of you fuckers should be thanking us because this vacation was suppose to be a romantic getaway and somehow we ended up with 8 stragglers!"

"I never knew Florida was a romantic getaway," Trace said throwing his napkin at my face.

"I never knew you thought our sex was mind-blowing," Justin smirked running kisses up my arm before making it to my lips.

We've been in Miami for 3 days and tonight was our last night before Justin went back to LA and I went back to frumpy old Tennessee. We've been spending as much time together as possible with him coming home every time he had at least 48 hours off and me going out there if I could find the time. It's been close to six months since we started dating and though it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, it's been pretty damn close to it.

I planned this little shindig for Justin and I a couple of months ago because having 4 days straight together has been hard to come by, but when I surprised him with it his smile turned into nerves when he told me that he already had meetings and stuff set up for this weekend. He tried to get them moved to a different date, and even offered to pay to fly them out to Miami but he kept coming up short so in a last ditch attempt he offered to put them up at the place I was renting. Two people turned into four and then somehow Trace got involved and four people turned into eight. As upset as I was that this romantic getaway turned into Justin and Emily plus eight, we've actually had a really great time. In fact I can't remember the last time I've had this much fun or laughed so hard, and the fact that I've been sober for about 15 minutes in the past three days could possibly be a factor in that.

"Come on Romeo, let's go have mind-blowing sex," I said grazing my lips against his before nibbling on his bottom lip when I finished. He moaned against my lips as he slowly made his way off the couch, only to throw me over his shoulder once more. My head was spinning, partially due to the fact that I've been drinking tequila all day, and partially due to the fact that I knew once we made it into that bedroom I was probably going to be thrown up against a wall and have the living daylights fucked out of me. Not that I minded...at all. "WAIT!" I screamed causing him to stop dead in his tracks just as we passed the coffee table, "The tequila!" He backed up and I wrapped my hand around the neck of the bottle before smacking his ass like one would smack reins against a horse for him to continue, "Peace out bitches!" I said throwing a peace sign in the air with my free hand. We walked out to whistles and catcalls from everyone besides Trace who had his shaking head in his hand.

After trekking it up the steps and down the long hallway we finally made it to the master bedroom, and I watched Justin kick the door shut with his socked foot that almost reached high enough to kick me right in the nose. He threw me down on the bed and I tried to stand up on the king size mattress quickly, but lost my balance twice falling over before I actually made it to a standing position. He held out two shot glasses in front of me and cocked his eyebrows up at me silently signaling me to pour the contents of the bottle I was holding into them. I twisted the cap off the bottle of 901 throwing the cap behind me and took a swig from the bottle itself. "Slow down you lush!" Justin said grabbing the bottle by the bottom and pulling it out of my hands. He handed me one of the shot glasses, filling it to the brim before doing the same to the one in his hand. Holding up his glass to make it even with mine he looked at me in the eyes and I felt my insides melt, "To us," he said, "And our mind-blowing sex."

A smirk formed on my face and a shiver ran through my body as we clinked glasses and threw the shot back. Without skipping a beat I threw my shot glass behind me like the drunken fool that I was and hopped off the bed into Justin arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist crossing my feet at my ankles for more support while attacking his mouth with mine and quickly unbuttoning his shirt as he backed up into the wall behind him. Pushing the thin cloth off of his shoulders I reached down to grab the hem of his undershirt backing away from his lips for a mere second to pull it over his head. I ran my hands down his chiseled chest moving my mouth down to the spot on his neck that I knew sent him reeling. His right hand went from my back to against the wall as he let out a moan and I felt him catch his breath against my ear.

"Jesus Christ Em..."

I sat up releasing my arms from around his neck allowing him to pull my shirt off, and I immediately reached down for the button of his jeans flicking the cold metal with my thumb at the same time as my mouth went back on his. I pulled the zipper down and he kicked his jeans off while unhooking the clasp of my bra setting me free. He threw it to the side and I could feel my heart start to race even faster when our bare skin met. I didn't wait for him to take my pants off, I somehow turned into a world renowned gymnast and did it myself, throwing the jeans along with my underwear into the corner with the rest of our clothing without even touching the ground. It wasn't everyday that we were so aggressive in the bedroom, and something about this felt wrong probably because there was a house full of people downstairs that knew exactly what was going on right now, but I think that turned me on even more.

I watched as Justin pulled his boxer briefs down and flung them into the pile with a swift kick. For the first time I actually realized how incredible he looked naked, but I wasn't looking at what normal people would focus on at a time like this. Instead, I was looking at his arms and the way his biceps bulged as he held me close to him, and I ran my fingers along the freckles on his shoulders. I watched his chest go up and down each time he took a heavy breath, and when I looked back up into his eyes I found myself losing my breath. All this time, and I never realized how beautiful this man was. Physically he is the definition of perfect, and as my eyes roam his passion and lust filled eyes, I can also see something else. I can't pinpoint what it is exactly but it makes me release a breath that I was holding in and I feel tension that I didn't know existed come off of my shoulders.

I snap out of my daze when I first feel his warm breath and then his lips graze my shoulder blades, "You okay?" his breath sending chills down my spine and I suddenly realized that we went from hyper speed to slow motion all in a matter of seconds.

I nodded and let a small smile creep onto my lips, "Perfect."

I watched his finger as it moved a piece of hair away from my face and felt a strange sense of anticipation as he loosened his grip to lower me down onto him. I closed my eyes feeling him go deep inside of me, staying there for a moment not moving to let me adjust to him. It was a feeling I've felt numerous times before yet I always had the same reaction even though I knew what to expect. I put my forehead against his when he started moving, slowly at first but speeding up knowing exactly what I wanted when I lightly pulled the curls on the back of his neck.

He spun me around pushing my back against the wall making it easier for him to have access to all of me. I kept my legs wrapped tightly around him and held onto his shoulders for leverage giving him the ability to use his hands any way he pleased. He ran his hand down my check and over my shoulders landing gently on my breasts. Taking one in each hand he worked his magic pinching my nipples between his thumb and pointer finger knowing exactly how to get me to my breaking point, and for some reason he was getting me there faster today then he ever has before. Placing a soft kiss on my lips he dipped his head down and sucked right where I was craving. I let out a loud moan unable to contain myself even though I knew everyone could probably hear me, and he reached up with his left hand placing it over my mouth looking up at me while he continued to throw me over the edge.

He nibbled gently before letting go bringing his mouth back up to mine, realizing that this might be an easier way to keep me quite. One hand curled around the back of my neck and the other traveled down my body, his thumb landing on my clit and I threw my head back biting on my bottom lip to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs as he rubbed it. I stayed like this until I couldn't control my body any longer and it began to spasm. I threw my head down on his shoulder and hung on for dear life when he spun around again and picked up his pace. "Holy shit babe," he moaned against my neck and I knew he was close too because the only time he ever called me a pet name was when he was close. I took his face in my hands sucking his bottom lip into my mouth pulling back only to watch as his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he let go inside of me.

I could feel his heart racing against mine, our bodies slick with sweat slipping apart so his slid his back down the wall sitting on the floor with me on top of him. His eyes were still closed, his forehead against mine and I watched him lick his bottom lip as our breathing began to steady. "I thought you weren't going to give me what I wanted tonight," I laughed deviously.

A smile appeared on his face when he let out a chuckle and opened his eyes to look at me, "You didn't say anything about wanting it."

"Or...You couldn't resist me in my classy drunken stooper."

"Are you kidding me?" he asked kissing me once more, "I can always resist you."

I slapped his arm playfully and he pushed me down lightly making sure just before I hit the floor that I didn't hit my head. He hovered over me and I ran my hands down his chest again, "Coming back for seconds Timberlake?"

"Are you requesting seconds?"

"Maybe..."

"Well if it's request then no. If it's not a request...then still no," he laughed rolling over on his side next to me. "I may be in shape but that," he pointed to the wall, "That is not an easy task. Satisfying yes, but easy it is not!"

"If I had a gold star I'd give you one...actually, wait right there." I got up off the floor and walked over to the foot of the bed picking up Justin's shot glass and the bottle of tequila then reaching across the bed to grab the one I threw behind me. When I walked back over he was sitting up and I stood in front of him butt ass naked with the bottle in my hand, "This might be better then the star."

"This," he said outlining my body with his finger, "You standing there, with that bottle...sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life."

***

I woke up the next morning hung-over to the high heavens. I pulled the sheets up over my head and felt Justin's arm that was around my waist pull me closer to him. I put my hand over his locking our fingers together and kicked him under the covers when he let out a loud pleading moan confirming that he felt the same way I did. "No talking," I said as softly as possible.

"Too bright," he replied joining me under the covers.

"Shhhh..."

We laid there in silence for a long period of time. There was no way I'd be able to fall back to sleep with my head pounding the way that it was, but instead of getting up to get an Advil I chose to stay there with him knowing that it would be a long time before I got to do this again. At first being apart for long periods of time didn't really bother me so much. It was all new, and we were both busy so it kept my mind off of not being with him. Then things slowed down after the benefit and it wasn't so much both of us being busy, but more so just Justin being busy. That is when things started getting harder for me. The minute I had time to focus on me being in Tennessee coming home to an empty house every night, cooking dinner for one instead of two, and falling asleep with my arm wrapped around a cold pillow while he was in LA living it up I started really missing him. After today we won't be seeing each other for close to two months and I couldn't help but lie there and think about what Trace said all those months ago about work coming first for Justin. It didn't really bother me before, but it's bothering me now.

I flipped over onto my other side to face him, and opened my eyes to see his mouth open just a little bit and a peaceful look on his face as he slept. The same feeling that came over me last night was upon me again right now. I knew what this meant. I knew what this feeling was, but I wasn't ready to admit it to myself yet so when I saw his eyes flutter open I closed mine quickly in an attempt to make him believe I was sleeping.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you're an awful fake sleeper?"

I popped one eye open looking up at him. Both of us were still under the covers, but the sun was so bright outside that his face was still lit up. "Let's just stay here all day..."

"We could," he said kissing my forehead, "But you have important plans with Trace today."

"Ugh, I forgot about that," I replied rolling onto my back with my hand over my forehead. "Can I tell you something? But I don't want you to take it the wrong way."

"Uh oh," he said throwing the covers off of us before pushing himself up on his elbow. I squeezed my eyes shut to avoid the sunlight but realized it was out of my control so I just dealt with the added pain. "Are you going to tell me the sex wasn't mind-blowing?"

"NO!" I yelled louder then acceptable while hitting his shoulder. He rubbed his hand over where I hit pretending that I actually did damage, "The sex was mind-blowing. It always is Mr. Ego I just wanted to tell you that..."

"That what?" he picked up my hand that he was holding and put it to his lips, looking at me concerned.

"Well I don't want to sound like an annoying clingy girlfriend, but...I don't know I guess...When you're gone, I kind of miss you A LOT!"

"That's it?" he asked kissing my lips. "I miss you a lot too Em. If I could I'd spend every waking moment with you I would, but work kind of gets in the way of that."

"I don't want to not see you for two months Justin," I said defensively feeling like he wasn't really taking how I felt into consideration.

"So come to LA with me."

"To do what? Sit at home or at the office while you work?"

"What do you want me to do Emily?" he asked raising his voice and giving me an attitude.

"Forget it," I lowered my voice and calmed down not wanting to fight with him the last day that we had together, "You're taking it the wrong way and I don't want to fight."

His face softened and he let out a breath seemingly trying to calm himself down just like I did, "Look," he sat up with his back against the pillows motioning for me to do the same. I pushed what felt like 500 pounds of myself off of the mattress and sat facing him with my legs crossed under me. "I'm sorry I yelled okay?" I nodded picking up one of his hands in mine running my finger along the lines on the inside of it. "It's not always going to be like this," he said pushing my chin up to look at him with his finger.

"Is work always going to come first?" I asked tears starting to form in my eyes, "Because I..." I hiccupped a sob back wiping my eyes quickly with the back of my hand, "I didn't sign up for never seeing you, and I didn't sign up for romantic getaways with 8 other people."

"Em," he whispered sadly while pulling me in for a hug. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"No," I replied quickly holding onto him as tight as I could. "I just really don't want to be apart for so long. Because when I'm with you it feels so right and then you leave and it's hard. Like really hard, and I know that you're working and you have to do that so I don't want to make you feel bad but it's hard Justin."

"It's hard for me too," he said putting his hands on my shoulders pushing me back to look me in the eye. "So how about we figure out some sort of way for you to come to LA for a few weeks when my schedule isn't so heavy and I'm not on set all day everyday. I want to be with you to Em...I lo--"

"DON'T!" I cut him off as fast as I could knowing exactly what he was going to say because he's tried to say it so many times before. But I wasn't ready. The same way I wasn't ready to say it to him even though I knew I felt it.

"Okay, sorry. We'll figure something out I promise. But you have to understand that I can't read your mind and you have to tell me how you feel and not feel bad about it."

"I don't want to lose you," I said pathetically. Mentally kicking myself for saying it as the words were coming out of my mouth knowing that I turned into the clingy girlfriend that no one ever wants in there life.

"Not going anywhere," he reached for my hand to pull me on top of him smacking a silly kiss on my lips, "I had fun on our little getaway even if we were joined by 8 pains in the ass."

"Me too...What do you say? One more round of mind-blowing sex before we go?"

"I say, that is the sexiest thing I've ever heard..."

"Clearly I am full of sex appeal these past couple of days," I said patting myself on the back.

He threw me down on the bed holding himself up above me, "You're going to be full of something else in a minute..."

Justin usually keeps good on his promises, but he was a week away from not keeping good on the last one he made to me. One month and three weeks after we left Miami he finally called to tell me he had some time off and that he booked me a flight out to LA. One month and three weeks after the phone calls started dwindling, and the text messages became less and less frequent. One month and three weeks after I had to learn to live on my own for the first time since college. Most people would be happy about receiving a phone call like this. Most people would jump for joy and run to go pack a bag. But I'm not most people.

"I can't," I said into the phone after putting a spoonful of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in my mouth, "This week just isn't good for me."

"What do you mean you can't Em? I haven't seen you for close to two months!" I pulled the phone away from my ear so that his booming voice wouldn't give me a headache.

"So what's another week?" I asked keeping my voice as calm as possible as I watched two housewives pull each other's hair on the TV in front of me. Which one is this anyway? New Jersey? Atlanta?

"Emily I don't need this right now...I really don't..."

"Don't need what?" I asked sitting up in my bed tucking the blankets under my chin after I put my empty mug on the nightstand.

"Need you to do this. What are you even doing right now?" I could hear him pacing and I'm pretty sure he's thrown about every fork and knife he owns into the sink, or against the wall I can't really decipher which one at the moment, "Are you trying to punish me because I haven't had time off? Is that what this is? You're not going to come because you're reprimanding me?"

"Justin calm down," I said finding the remote under the covers to put the catfight on mute, "I'm not reprimanding you, I just have a lot of stuff to do and I can't just up and leave at the drop of a hat." And I'm kind of reprimanding you, I thought to myself but kept it inside not wanting him to have a bigger hissy fit.

"Yes you can. I'm your boss and I say you need a vacation."

"Okay fine...So are you going to reschedule all of the meetings I have set up with vendors? Are you going to come home to do all the interviewing for the contractor's so that we can start rebuilding the golf course that you bought and have had no hand in doing anything with since? And are you going to do all of my employee reviews that have to be done and submitted by Friday? Because if so I can absolutely pack up right now and hop on the next flight to LAX...Oh, and don't forget while your here to continue to plan the dumbest birthday party ever for Trace, and by plan I mean meet the mother of all bitches at a restaurant and listen to her rant and rave about how all of your ideas are stupid and nothing is good enough for her man."

I was met with silence on the other end of the phone for a good minute and a half. Then I heard him sigh in a way that I could only imagine was him throwing himself down on a chair. "Look Em...I miss you, and I need you. I get that you're mad that it's been this long but--"

"I'm not mad," I said cutting him off, "I was mad, but then I accepted it..."

"Accepted what?"

"I've accepted the fact that at this point in your life work comes first and--"

"Don't even--"

"Let me finish." I started to raise my voice so I took a second to settle down and to make sure he wasn't going to interrupt me again. "And that's okay Justin. What you do for a living isn't a normal 9-5 and I've realized that I need to accept that and be happy with it because when you do have time off I get you all to myself uninterrupted for months at a time. I can't get mad at you for having a schedule that you have no control over, and I know that if I needed you here you'd drop everything and be here in a second and I'd do the same for you. But you need to realize that I have a job too, and that I can't just drop everything because you have a couple of hours off even if you're my boss and you say it's okay. I miss you, hell I've missed you since the minute we left Miami and I'm not going to lie I was mad at you for a while but I'm not anymore. Life ain't easy. Being away from you for so long certainly is not easy but I understand why it has to be like this..."

"When did you become Gandhi?"

"That little speech was far from anything Gandhi would ever say...Do you even know who Gandhi is?"

"Yes I know who Gandhi is...I also know that I miss you and that I'm sorry I was giving you an attitude I'm just really stressed out."

"Well I miss you too, and I'm sorry for giving you an attitude as well."

"You weren't giving me an attitude at all. In fact I don't think I've ever heard you stay so calm before in my life."

"Well inside I was giving you an attitude, I just hid it really well. But to make it up to you when you come home I'll give you the best back rub you've ever had in your life," I said with a smirk.

"How'd you know I need a back rub? It's like you can read my mind..."

"Because whenever you're stressed out your back hurts, and right at this moment you're laying on the couch with your back arched over the arm."

"God I miss you."

"Me too, but I have to say...I do not miss having a camera shoved in my face every time I step foot outside."

"Lucky you..."

***

I love my brother. This is the one and only reason why I'm allowing Bri in my office right now to discuss plans for his birthday party. We've been "planning" for what seems like years now, and honestly the only reason why she asked me to help her is because she needs money to fund it. Everything I said say she shoots down, but instead of getting into it with her again I just smile, agree, and sign the checks. Trace owes me big for this one.

She's been talking my ear off for about two hours now and to be honest I haven't really been listening. Every time she snaps the piece of gum in her mouth I want to reach over my desk and strangle her, but I resist the temptation. Instead I think about how Justin is coming home in 4 hours and try to plan what I'm going to make for dinner. Not that I think we'll actually get to dinner but I at least have to pretend I don't want to jump his bones the minute he walks through the door. I'm looking at the computer screen finalizing Julie's review while simultaneously looking on the Food Network website for a romantic home cooked meal for two. The picture of the Chicken Primavera looks mouthwatering, but who am I kidding I could never ever make it look that good. He would love some Prime Rib, but I'd probably burn the house down while attempting that one. So I keep clicking through the recipes while she continues to talk a mile a minute and I'm wishing that I talked to Justin more then twice in the past five days. He finished filming two days ago and he's been doing re-shoots for the past couple of days so I try not to let it bother me but it still kind of does.

Oh salmon with a honey glaze sauce. Now that's something I could do...I perk up clicking the print button when faintly in the distance I hear Bri's high pitched bird call over and over and over again, "Emily...Emily...HELLO?!"

I look up briefly from the screen to see her staring at me like I'm the one that sounds like Pauly the fucking parrot and simply nod, "Yeah Bri that sounds great..."

"Really?" she chirped, "I never thought you'd go for that! I'll call the strip club tonight! This is so exci-"

"WHAT? No...Just, no."

"But you said," she whined.

"Well I wasn't really listening. No strip club, or strippers, or whatever you were getting from there. Why would you even want a stripper for your boyfriends birthday...oh never mind," I said shaking my head not wanting her to answer the question knowing she'd probably say something about how they enjoy having threesomes or something.

"But..."

"No Bri. That's where I draw the line, I'm not paying for strippers at my brother's birthday party. It's not happening." A knock at the door interrupted us and when I saw Julie walk in I let out a sigh of relief. She looked at me with sincere pity in her eyes and I just shook my head at her.

"Hey Em...Um, so the guy that you had that appointment with is uh...early. So yeah, he's here and kind of impatient."

I saw Bri scoff out of the corner of my eye so I looked at her with fake disappointment on my face as she gathered her things and walked out of the office without a goodbye or even a thank you escaping her mouth. Julie watched her walked out before turning back to me and rolling her eyes. She, like me can't stand the sight of Bri but that's probably due to the fact that she's the one I complain about her to and not so much that she doesn't really like her. "Please," I said holding my hand up as she was about to go off about her, "I just had to listen to her speak for two hours so I do not want to talk about her." She closed her mouth and plopped down on the chair Bri had just left vacant. "And thank you for saving me, because I was about to bitch slap her."

"When I heard you yell I knew it was time to step in," she replied watching me pack up my bag and turn the computer off. "Hey Em?"

"Yeah," I said turning around from the printer with the recipes I had printed out in my hand.

"You're okay right?"

I looked up from the paper and nodded. Knowing what she meant by the vague question but not wanting to talk about it. "I'm okay Jules."

***

Here's something you should probably know about me and my cooking skills. They're really not that good. Sure I can whip up an occasional fancy meal every now and then, but the extent of my cooking is usually canned soup, pasta, and anything I can possibly fry. So for me to make a meal that one would find in a restaurant that doesn't have a .99 cent menu takes time and effort and I was damn proud of myself when I pulled the honey glazed salmon out of the oven. After setting the table and lighting the two candles in the middle I practically ripped the "Will Grill for Sex" apron that I bought for Justin as a joke for his birthday off I checked my makeup and sat down at the table to wait.

One hour after he was suppose to walk through the door I was still sitting at the table by myself. I had put the salmon back in the oven to keep it warm and calm, understanding Emily was getting angry and irate as the seconds ticked away. My phone rang about 15 minutes later and it was Justin telling me he still hadn't left LA. Something about running into an old friend and golf at Pebble Beach came out of his mouth but to be honest I wasn't really listening to specifics. There were a lot of things about Justin and our relationship that I had problems with but never really said anything because I didn't want to fight, and I didn't want to risk losing him but this was my last straw.

We fought. We fought long and we fought hard. It was the first time in a long time that we got into a screaming match quite like this. Words neither one of us meant were being shot at one another, and I'm pretty sure I called him an inconsiderate asshole at least seven times. I wasn't entirely sure what I was mad at exactly besides the fact that in a certain sense Justin really doesn't know how to be in a relationship. Sure he knows how to be affectionate, and I would never ever question his loyalty or think that he'd cheat on me; but in other ways he's still living the bachelor life. I don't ask for much...I really don't, but is it wrong for me to expect him to tell me if he's not going to be home when he said he was going to be after not seeing him for 2 months? Is it wrong for me to think he'd rather spend time with me then golfing with an old friend? I can't recount everything we both said to one another because after about 45 minutes of screaming I think I forgot the original reason why we were fighting.

I hung up on him about 45 minutes into the Royal Rumble. I blew out the candles, and turned the stove off before I stomped upstairs to my room making sure to lock the door so that when he did eventually make it home he wouldn't be able to come in. I got into bed without even taking any of my clothes off, turned the TV on and pretended to watch it for hours when in reality I was replaying our argument in my head over and over again. I was mad...I was more then mad, but at the same time I didn't like knowing that we were screaming at each other and he got on a plane mad at me and  vice versa. I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't figure out who was right and who was wrong, but after a while my anger turned into fear. Fear that he'd come home and break up with me. Fear that I'd lose him. Or worst of all...Fear that on the eve of my fiancé's death, something would happen to him on his way back and I'd never get to talk to him again too.

***

When I saw the daisies in front of the marble tombstone I knew that his mother had already been there today. It was colder today then it was a year ago. I zipped up my North Face as I walked closer running my hands along the engraved stone. Sitting down on the cold grass I picked up a small rock that was next to me and started tossing it from one hand to the other. I watched the glare from the ring on my right middle finger go back and forth across the stone, and began to think about the time when that same ring sat proudly on my left ring finger.

So much has happened in a year. I can't really decide if it's been a really long year or if it went by too fast. All I know is that I've experienced more changes this year then I ever thought I would in my whole life. As I sat there for hours on end, I changed my position from sitting to lying over and over again and just thought about everything. As the sun was setting I made myself think about this time last year. This was about the time Jake left to go to that house, the last time I'd ever see him alive. Then I thought about how all I wanted that night was for him to hold me. I needed to feel him against me and to hear him tell me that he loved me.

It was then that I realized for certain that everyone was right. I had said it before...Told myself that it was true but never actually believed it until right now. It was possible for me to move on. I loved Jake, will always love Jake. But unlike last year, right now I just want Justin here to hold me. I want to feel his lips on my temple and his arm wrapped around my waist. And I want more then anything to tell him how much I love him. I want to tell him that when I see him my heart skips a beat, and when he touches me I get chills. I want to thank him for saving me from myself, and I want to get lost in his eyes. I was scared though, that after our fight last night it might be too late.

So when he sits down next to me about an hour later after I had moved to lean against the stone he just put his hand out and I locked my hand in his putting my head on his shoulder. "I thought I'd find you here..."

I let out a chuckle closing my eyes, "Kind of like deja vu huh?"

"Except this time you don't hate me...At least I hope you don't..."

"I don't," I replied letting out a breath. "We have a lot to talk about though."

"Wanna go home?"

"Not yet."

"Okay." He adjusted his back against the marble and placed a kiss on my cheek. It was the first time I felt his lips on me in two months and my heart sank. Not because it felt good, but because it felt empty. There was something missing, and in my heart I knew I was too late.

A gourmet meal doesn't taste as good after it's been in the refrigerator for 24 hours. What's even worse is eating in silence with the one person you've been looking forward to seeing for the past 60 days. The only noises that you could hear were forks hitting plates, drinks swirling around when glasses were put back down on the table, and off in the distance a dog collar rattling every now and then. Every time I looked up at him he was off in space. His body was sitting at the table eating day old salmon, but his mind was somewhere entirely different and I couldn't figure out where exactly that was. After a while of awkwardly avoiding eye contact I couldn't take the silence anymore so I got up to turn the radio on. Sitting back down I picked my fork back up and saw Justin pushing corn around on his plate so I put my fork back down, picked up my glass of wine and finished it off before slamming the glass back down on the table, standing up and storming off towards the stairs.

"Where are you going?" he asked. I spun around to see him still looking down at his plate and I could feel my face heating up with anger.

"Where does it look like I'm going?"

"Sit down and finish your dinner," he said cutting a piece of salmon with his fork, scraping his teeth against it as he put it in his mouth.

"You're not my father Justin, so why don't you stop trying to act like him. And while your at it," I said tapping my foot against the bottom step of the staircase, "Why don't you just do it...just fucking tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"Just tell me you want to break up with me, because I know that's where this is going..."

He finally looked up at me. His eyes glazed over digging into mine. I stared back at him trying to keep my composure. "Em please come back and sit down."

He didn't deny it, just went back to eating his food. I wanted to say no, but instead I found myself dragging my body back over to the dining room table. I picked my napkin up off of the chair and placed it on the table pushing my plate back suddenly feeling like I was going to throw up the little bit of it that I had already eaten. He took another bite of food then pushed his plate away in the same fashion before reaching out for me to give him my hand. Instinct made me reach my right hand out and put it in his. He didn't say anything, just looked down at my hand for a good while before running his thumb over the ring on my middle finger. I could feel my emotions getting the best of me so I closed my eyes and bit down on my bottom lip, "Just say it," I whispered in hopes that it would keep me from crying.

I opened my eyes to see him looking down at the ring Jake gave me and saw a single tear fall down his face. He wiped it away quickly running his hands through his hair that was longer then he was use to before sighing and looking me in the eyes. "I don't want to hurt you..."

I cleared my throat looking away from him down at the food I spent so much time preparing yesterday. Looking at it now it really doesn't look as appetizing as I thought it did yesterday, and the honey glaze was a little too sweet for my liking. I attempted to pull my hand away from him but he held onto it for dear life. "Can you just do it please?" My bottom lip was quivering so I sucked it back into my mouth.

"Emmy I--"

"Don't call me that."

"I just don't think you're ready."

I felt my body start to shut down. First all of the air that was in my lungs came out, and then blood rushed to my head. It was extremely hard to breath and I could feel my chest constricting as my heart was breaking into a million little pieces. But the whole time I kept telling myself to stay composed. Don't let him see you hurting. "What makes you think I'm not ready?"

"This," he said running his thumb over my ring again. "You're not over him Em. You won't let me love you because you're not over him."

"And you've just now come to this conclusion?" I said pulling away from his grasp getting angry. "Now that we've told everyone? Now that my face is plastered on every magazine cover and I get called a bitch every time I walk down the street if I'm anywhere but Tennessee? Now you think I'm not ready? Not 6 months ago when no one knew but us. Maybe if--"

"Em, just hear me out," he said reaching out for me again but I pushed my chair back far enough that he couldn't reach me.

"No, you hear me out Justin," I said standing up. "You were the one that told me that it was okay to not be over him. You were the one that said I'd always love him and that he'd always love me. Maybe if you just opened your damn eyes and saw something that wasn't work or golf at Pebble Beach, you'd see that all I want is for you to love me. And you'd see that I love you too. But it's fine...you don't think I'm ready. Life goes on, and there is no one in this world that knows that better then me." I spun around practically sprinting into the kitchen to get my car keys, the whole time willing the tears not to fall. I had to show him that I'm stronger then that now. I pulled the keys off of the hook so hard that the whole hook came off the wall but I didn't care. I flung the garage door open ignoring Justin's pleas to come back. Just as I reached my car I heard him calling me from the kitchen door.

"EM..." I didn't answer as I hit the unlock button and opened the door. "EMILY!"

"WHAT?" I screamed spinning around to face him.

"We need to talk about this, don't just storm off."

"There's nothing to talk about Justin," I said after a few minutes of just staring at him. "I have to go..."

"Where are you going?" he asked stepping down from the ledge into the garage.

"It doesn't really matter," I said sitting down in the car not taking my eyes off of him.

He was looking at me like I had just broken up with him. There was hurt in his eyes and if I knew anything about him I would think that he was about to run over to me and scoop me up out of the seat into a hug. He was sad and for a second I thought about getting out of the car to make sure he was okay but the shadow on the wall when I moved my hand caught my eye and I looked down at the ring on my finger. The ring that once caused so much happiness, that was now causing me so much pain. "Em I--"

"I'm okay," I said quickly cutting him off, "I promise." It was the first lie I've ever told him. I was the furthest thing from okay, but I had to get out of there before I actually showed him the truth. I closed the door to my car and backed out of the garage taking one last look at him before I made my way down to the gate that was slowly opening behind me.

I drove for hours before I pulled up to Trace's. I drove for hours and I cried for hours. I cried because I really did love Justin, but I realized it too late. I cried because I didn't know if I was supposed to be over Jake or not. I cried because Trace was right, and I cried because I didn't know where to go from here. When I walked in the door at midnight all of the lights on the first floor were off, but I could hear the TV on in the basement and saw the light shining through the bottom of his bedroom door when I looked between the rails upstairs. Making an educated guess on living with him for most of my life, I made my way downstairs to find him sitting on the couch playing Call of Duty. The minute I sat down next to him he paused the game and scooped me up in a hug.

"I knew it would only be time before you came here." he said confirming my thoughts that he had already talked to Justin.

"Just do me a favor and don't say I told you so okay?"

"Okay," he said before reaching to turn the TV off and turning to face me, "Mint chocolate chip or cookie dough?"

"No ice cream..." I leaned back on the arm of the couch letting out a sigh, "I should have seen this coming. I guess I can't really blame him."

"Em..."

"No, you know what Trace, I'm surprisingly sort of okay with this. I mean of course I'm upset but at least we didn't have this huge argument and say we hate each other you know. We fought, he had a reason and that's that. This is just...life."

"You love him don't you?" he asked really wanting to know the answer not just so that he could tell me to fight for him. I nodded my head and closed my eyes so that I wouldn't start crying again. I had to be strong, but when he spoke again I couldn't hold them back any longer, "He loves you too, and he'll come around because you guys are right for each other."

Tears spilled out of my eyes, and I cried even harder then I did when I was alone even though I thought I had no tears left. Even though I knew Trace got use to our relationship I've been longing for him to actually say it since I told him we were dating that night on the roof, and now that he has it doesn't even matter anymore. Before I knew it he got up from the couch and came back over holding in his hand the one thing he knew would make me smile. I reached out taking the stuffed squirrel out of his hand and held it close to my chest, "Blackie to the rescue," I sniffled while wiping my face with the back of my hand.

"He worked when we were five..."

I kicked him with my socked foot in the knee just as I heard Barbie Girl calling him upstairs, "Don't tell her please?" I begged.

"DOWN HERE BRI..." He stuck out his pinky and I locked mine with his, "I pinky promise."

I let out a loud aggravated moan when I heard the basement door close and saw her coming down the stairs. Rolling my eyes back to look at Trace I said a silent prayer to not attack her tonight, "Oh Emily! I didn't know you were here. This is great Trace," she said rubbing his arm that was hanging over the back of the couch, "We can tell her the news now..."

"What news?"

"Bri sweetie, I don't think now is really the best time for this..."

"What news Trace?"

"Oh come on baby...it's so exciting!"

"TRACE!" I yelled, "What news?"

All of the color drained from his face and I knew this wasn't going to be good. "Now really isn't a good time."

"Trace just tell her!"

"SOMEONE FUCKING TELL ME!" I was getting pissed off, and this only added onto my bad mood.

"Maybe this should wait until--"

"We're having a baby!"

"Tomorrow," he finished after the dumb slut blonde started jumping up and down in excitement.

"This is a joke right? This is a sick joke?" I said getting up off the couch and backing into the wall in an attempt to be as far away from the both of them as possible.

"I was going to tell you Em..."

"This is just fucking great...just...how is this my life right now? I have to go," and with that I started running up the stairs with Trace following closely behind.

"Emily wait..." I made it to the front door before he actually caught up with me and grabbed my arm that wasn't reaching out for the doorknob to pull me back, "Would you talk to me?"

"No," I said pulling my arm back, "I will not talk to you about having a child with this...girl. A baby Trace. Jesus Christ! She is a child herself, and she's not even with you for the right reasons. I bet in the back of her head she's thinking 'Yippee Justin will be the godfather so now I'll have more time with him and maybe I could get him to fuck me in the closet while the baby is sleeping and Trace is off making money.' You don't even want kids! I can't deal with this right now..."

I opened the door and started walking back out to my car, "Where are you going?"

"I honestly don't know Trace...I don't know."

***

I never thought at the age of 27 I'd be back to living with my parents, but I had nowhere else to go. The house that I owned was being occupied by my brother and his pregnant girlfriend, and my home was occupied by my ex-boyfriend that thinks I'm not ready to be in love. I let myself sulk for a couple of days and then finally decided I had to put everything behind me and just move on with my life. That was a month ago, and today as I left what seemed like the millionth apartment I've seen to rent I was debating on if I should let myself sulk for another couple of days. I never imagined having to do this after signing my life away on a mortgage close to two years ago.

Work has been really interesting. Suddenly Justin wants to take part in the golf course renovation which means he's in all of the meetings, staring at me until someone says the meeting is over, and then he usually follows me back to my office and lingers by the door until I sit down at my desk and pretend to ignore him. I'd catch glances of him every now and then and take note of how unhappy he looks, but the extent of our communication has been work. Since the night we broke up nothing else has really been said about it, but something about the way he's been acting makes me think that we will soon be having a discussion. He went back to LA last week to start voiceover work for another movie that he signed on for, only adding to my belief that work will never be second fiddle for him.

Closing the door to my car I happily drove away from the apartment building that I would never in my life inhabit.. If I wanted to I could kick my brother out of my house since the fact of the matter is I can't afford two mortgages, but I can't do that to him, especially now that he has a child to worry about. I still can't believe it. Supposedly Bri went on some medication that didn't agree with her birth control and now poof the bitch is three months pregnant. My version of the story is a little different though. She just stopped taking birth control. I shook my head as I pulled up to a red light thinking about being an aunt to a child with a mother that has no brain and plastic everything else, when my phone began buzzing in the console of my car. My instinct was to hit ignore for the 10th time today, but something told me to answer this time. Maybe it was because it was a blocked number, but whatever it was, I wish I didn't.

"Hello?"

"Emily, thank god you finally answered...I booked you out on the first flight to LA, I need you to go to the airport now it leaves in an hour."

"What? Why?"

"Please...I'll meet you at the airport."

The caller was panicking which made my heart start racing, "But why Mrs. H? What's wrong?"

"It's Justin..." 

I can't really describe what was going through my head from the moment I hung up the phone to the minute the plane landed at LAX and a car dropped me off at Cedar Sinai. It's crazy to me how you can go from being so mad at someone one second, and the next second need to be at there side or else your entire body might explode. But in some weird twisted way I guess that's what love really is.

Walking through the doors of this hospital was something I never wanted to do again unless it was to deliver a child or go see someone who just had. At the front desk I was met with Leanne's face, and unlike the last time I didn't have to fight with her or give her a fake name to get her to tell me where to find him. What came as a shock to me though was the fact that she didn't tell me to go to the fifth floor, but to wait there for Justin's security guard to come get me and escort me back to ICU.

When Lynn said the words 'It's Justin' I pretty much hung up on her and floored it all the way to the airport, just assuming that the leukemia was back. He had been working himself too hard, not getting enough sleep, and losing weight by the minute. I didn't even imagine the possibility that it could be anything else, but apparently I was dead wrong. I leaned my back against the wall of the waiting room, not even wanting to waste time by having to get up when Eric came out to get me and tried to think positively which was pretty much impossible to do. When the doors opened and he came walking towards me I ran as fast as I could to him letting him scoop me up in a hug before examining his face for any indication of what I was about to get myself into. He put his hands on my shoulders and shook his head.

"What happened? What's wrong? You know what I don't even want to know just take me back to see him."

"Emily why don't you sit down for a second," he pointed to the chairs back in the waiting room.

"No, I don't want to sit. I need to go see Justin."

"He's not in good shape," he blurted out which caused me to stop pushing him towards the door. Staring up at him I finally let it settle in that this wasn't just going to be two weeks of chemo and back to normal. Something really bad has happened. "Go sit." I nodded walking back to the waiting room and sat down next to him on one of the couches. "He was riding his motorcycle down La Cienaga--"

"I told him a million times to get rid of that thing, they're not safe damnit!"

"He had a green light and went but a drunk driver went barreling through the red light on Sunset and smashed into him."

My hand went directly over my mouth as I let out a gasp seeing the scene play out in my head. "Smashed into him how? He fell off the bike and hit his head smashed into him, or he's in a million different pieces smashed into him?"

"He's in a million different pieces smashed into him, but Em," he said quickly not allowing me to breakdown, "He's alive. And he's stable, and he asked for you before they..."

"Before they what?"

"They had to put him in a medically induced coma because he kept having seizures. He broke a lot of bones, has a concussion and needed stitches pretty much everywhere."

"Jesus Eric..."

"Look, the worst part is pretty much over. He had to have surgery to repair his leg and his arm but that's done and over with now. Once they wake him up he should be out of ICU."

"His leg...But will he be able to--"

"They don't know," he said cutting me of knowing what I was going to ask.

"Can I see him now?" I asked after I took a few minutes to let everything sink in. 

"Sure," he said taking my hand in his, and we started walking towards the doors, "Just prepare yourself because it's not a pretty sight."

***

Not a pretty sight was putting it lightly. Two days later Justin was still in a medically induced coma, and if someone didn't tell me that it was him lying in that hospital bed I would have never known. Since everything went down on one of the busiest streets in LA the paparazzi were there to catch it all, and it was all over every news station and on the cover of every magazine. I managed to get to Trace before the news did and he made his way here as fast as possible making sure to leave Bri at home.

I haven't moved from his bedside in 48 hours. I listened so intently to the beeping of all the machines he was hooked up to that the minute one beeped a little off kilter I'd flip out. To call what I was going through hard was the understatement of the year, and even though all signs were pointing in the right direction it was taking everything out of me to see him lying there like this. I don't think I'd wish this on my worst enemy.

Trace, Lynn, and Paul had just left for the night and I was half asleep with my head resting on the side of the bed when I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. Jumping a little bit I looked behind me and saw Robin holding up a bag of Skittles. "I figured you might need a little pick me up..."

"Aww Robin! You do love me!" I said with a smile getting up to give her a hug.

"How's the superstar doing?"

"He's doing. They just stopped giving him the drug to keep him knocked out, so they said he should wake up by morning and they'll go from there..."

"This may sound really bad, but honestly...I'd rather see him here then back up on my unit."

"You think he'll pull through?" I asked sitting back down on the chair next to his bed.

"This guy? He wouldn't die even if he wanted to just so that he'd be alive to piss everyone off and get a laugh out of it."

"I guess you're right..."

"Get some rest," she said rubbing my back, "I'll be back to check on him tomorrow."

"I'll try," I said watching her walk away, "Oh and Robin?"

"Yes?"

"How's Chloe?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that..."

"That bad?"

"Let's just say he's in better shape then she is."

I put my head in my hands knowing what that meant. I hadn't come to visit Chloe in a long time but I knew Justin tried to make it here at least once a week to see her. She was in remission soon after Justin and doing really well, but about a month and a half ago we got word that she was back in the hospital and Justin told me it wasn't looking too good. "Can I go see her?"

"Maybe tomorrow," she answered her face scrunching up in an attempt not to lose her cool. "Get some rest," and with that she walked out leaving me alone for the third night in a row with Justin and Nick at Nite.

Even though my favorite episode of The Cosby Show was on it didn't take me more then 15 minutes to fall asleep sitting in my chair with my head on the side of the bed. I was pretty sure I was dreaming when I felt something moving around me, but shot up suddenly when I realized I was awake and that something moving was Justin. I immediately looked at his face and I saw that his eyes were still closed, but he kept opening and closing his fists, and his right leg was moving back and forth on top of the bed. I stood up keeping my hand in his moving as close to the bed as possible.

"Justin?" I whispered using my free hand to brush over the bandages on his cheek, relief setting into my body. He opened his mouth to say something but instead of words coming out he started coughing. I reached over to the side table that held the only personal belongings I took with me from Tennessee as well as a bottle of water that I had been sipping on earlier. I twisted the cap off and the straw I was using popped up. His eyes were still closed when I brought the straw over to his mouth, "Take a sip," I said and he brought his lips down to suck on the straw. He tried to bring his hand up to push the bottle away after he was done, but winced when he lifted it about 2 inches in the air and put it back down. I took the bottle back, quickly putting it down on the table and squeezed his hand, wishing he would just open his eyes. "I have to go get the doctor okay? I'll be right back."

"Em," his voice was scratchy, like someone had been digging their nails into his throat for the past 3 days.

"Yeah?"

He coughed again, but motioned for me with his hand to go back over to him. I sat down on the edge of the bed and put his hand in mine. "Thanks for coming..."

I didn't know how to respond and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I took a minute to look him over again while rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb. "You're welcome Justin I..." I took my gaze off of his hand and looked back up at his face, "Can you open your eyes Justin?"

He nodded but kept them closed, "The light," he said before clearing his throat, "The light hurts my head."

"I'll turn the lights off on my way out to get the doctor. Sit tight alright?"

I got up and walked towards the door flicking the light switch down on my way to the nurses' station. I was shocked that I wasn't crying or panicking or doing something besides staying composed. I told the nurse on duty that Justin had woken up and she got on the phone with the doctor on call. On my way back I sent a quick text to his mother before making my way back into his room. When I walked in he was trying to pick his arm up and reach for what looked like the water bottle. His eyes were open to just a squint and when I saw the pained look on his face I started walking a little bit faster. "I'll get it," I said making my way over to the water and putting the straw back in his mouth. "Do you remember what happened?" I asked after he finished most of the bottle.

"I remember being on my motorcycle, but after that...I'm assuming I crashed since I look like this." He spoke slowly, letting out a cough every now and then and squeezed his eyes shut every time he swallowed. "I can barely move."

"So don't try to move." He closed his eyes again and tilted his head to the side of the pillow trying to find a comfortable position. He was a stomach sleeper so I'd imagine he couldn't be anymore uncomfortable if he tried. Letting out a sigh when he realized this was his life at this point he gave up. "So...I took a couple of days off of work, I hope you don't mind," I said trying to lighten the mood and kill the awkward silence.

I saw a small smile appear on his face and he let out a soft chuckle, "I'll think about letting it slide."

"Thanks." I looked down at my phone that was vibrating on my lap seeing a text from Lynn, "Your parents are on their way. Trace is probably with them."

"Okay." We sat in silence for a while and I wasn't really sure where to go from here. We hadn't had a conversation about anything but work in a month, and here I was sitting with him alone in a hospital room not knowing what was appropriate to say to someone who was just in an awful accident. "Em I just want you to know that--"

"Well look who decided to wake up!" Justin's doctor came strolling in with a team of nurses and interns behind him, and I let out a sigh of relief knowing that I still had time to prepare myself for the conversation we were about to have before the doctor interrupted us. I quickly got up out of my seat making room for everyone that just came in and caught Justin's eye before starting to walk out.

"I'll leave you guys alone for a bit," I said as I hit the doorway.

"Come back okay?" Justin said attempting to raise his voice to more then a whisper.

"I will."

I made the short walk to the swinging doors leaving the intensive care unit and felt weak. Putting my hand against the wall to catch my balance I continued down the long hallway to the elevators where I made my way up to the fifth floor. The doors opened and I walked down the all to familiar hallway to the nurses' station where Robin and another nurse Diane were sitting eating breakfast. Diane saw me first and stood up quickly throwing the fork that was in her hand down on the desk, "Is he okay?"

"Yeah, yeah he's good," I said stopping to lean on the desk. "He's awake, the doctors are with him now. It's going to be a long road but at least he's awake you know?"

"Oh I'm so happy," Robin replied putting her hand on top of mine. "Are you okay? You look pretty pale..."

"Yeah...I mean I'm just kind of worn out. I'm tired and stressed, and not sure why I'm reacting so calmly."

"Things will work out with him," Robin said squeezing my hand, "Just give it time."

I nodded my head squeezing her hand back, "Can I go see Chloe?"

"Sure! She's having a good day today, but she doesn't know about Justin so keep that in mind."

Once I reached the door to room 521 I took a second to take a deep breath before I knocked and walked in. The room no longer had two chairs set up by the windows, but now it housed a hospital bed, monitors everywhere and a small TV hanging from the wall. Chloe was watching something on the Disney channel and all of the color was drained from her face, leaving her looking just really really sick. My heart broke for her when I saw a hick line coming out of her chest, and a basin next to her on the bed. "Hey Chloe!" I said trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

She turned her head looking over at me and her face lit up just a little bit, "EMILY! Where have you been?"

"I've been home in Tennessee, I'm sorry I haven't come to visit. How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling better today. Yesterday was a bad day though. The doctors said that they think the bad cells in my body are going to beat me but I'm 7 so I'm strong. Hey where's Justin? I wrote more words for our song!"

"I umm..." I couldn't really form any words. This little girl that isn't even as tall as my hip was told she's going to die and she followed that up with asking for Justin like it was no big deal. "Justin he...he's...Hey do you have the lyrics with you?"

"My mommy put them in the drawer over there, but they're top secret I can only show Justin until we're done with it."

"Oh well that's pretty cool! What else is new with you?"

"Well, I have to stay here all the time now, but Robin sneaks me in some food that my mommy won't let me have sometimes."

"Is she still a big meanie that Robin?"

"No," she laughed, well as much of a laugh that could come out of her little sick body, "She's only mean when Justin comes...is he coming today?"

"I don't think so Chlo...He's pretty busy working and stuff so it might be a little while before he comes again. But I'm sure he'll call you. And hey guess what!"

"What?"

"Look at what I brought with me," I said holding up the bag of Skittles Robin gave me last night. "Shh, don't tell Robin!

"Cool! Can I have the red ones?"

"GIRL! You know red is my favorite!"

"Come on Emily...I'm sick you know..."

"I think you've been hanging out with Justin a little too much," I said picking out the red skittles and putting them in her tiny hand.

I'm not really sure when I turned into this person. A year ago I was just Emily living day-to-day life. I drove down the same roads everyday, worked in the same office doing the same thing everyday and came home to the same house with the same person inside of it. I lead a very ordinary life, and I liked it that way. Now I'm a maniac. My cell phone is attached to my ear almost 24 hours a day and I'm running back and forth from office to office, state-to-state, house to hospital to different house, it's just utterly insane.

Before when I took time off of work Justin would be there to pick up the slack, and even though there were other people in the company that should be able to run it in the case of both of us being absent we learned the hard way that that wasn't true. So on top of working I've been trying to spend most of my time at the hospital with Justin while also trying to keep everyone in his camp updated on his condition and giving them an ETA on when he's expected to be well enough to get back to work. He's been here for close to a month now, but he's going to be released tomorrow to go to rehab so that he can literally learn how to walk again.

I looked up from my laptop to see his mother packing up his stuff into a duffle bag while he and Trace went over some sketches for the Fall line. He was finally starting to look like Justin again, which was a relief. No longer was his head all wrapped up, now he just had bandages on his face where he needed them. Smiling I got back to work on my computer and completely zoned out until I heard Justin say something to me in the distance. "What?" I asked not looking up.

"Do you ever get off that thing?"

"Every now and then," I replied looking back down that the E-Mail I was typing.

"Shut it off and come sit," he tapped on the seat Trace was just occupying but apparently he and Lynn had left while I was off in another world. I closed the lid to the laptop and stood up feeling my phone buzz in my sweatshirt pocket. I looked at it while I walked over to the chair, "And you can turn that off too..."

"Justin...It's Julie I can't leave her hanging. One quick E-Mail."

"Off...I mean if you like your job that is."

"Fiiiiiiine," I said typing out the E-Mail as fast as possible before hitting the off button. "So Matt leaves for Europe tomorrow, I talked to him earlier and if seems like everything is going as planned."

"I miss you," he said not even responding to my statement.

"I've been here for a week and a half how could you miss me?"

"You may physically be here, but mentally you're somewhere else. Emily Logan is here all the time. Em is...on vacation or something."

"I'm just busy."

"Well can I have Em back for like an hour? No work talk or hospital talk?"

"Okay," I said putting my hands up in defeat, "I'm all yours." The truth was that I wanted to talk to Justin about something other then work and the hospital or rehab, but it was just easier on my heart this way. I knew the minute we started talking like old times I'd start thinking about how much I love him and how it doesn't matter anymore and I'd get upset, but to be honest, I just really didn't have the time or energy to be upset.

"So...How was Trace's birthday party?"

"Don't even get me started. I'm pretty sure I said more then once that I would not be paying for strippers, and what do you know, the minute I walk in I'm greeted by a half naked chick that just came from amateur night."

"I don't know what he see's in her. How much longer do you think it will take for them to break up?"

"It'll be a lot more complicated now if they do," I said rolling my eyes and leaning back on the chair.

"Why?" His eyebrows furrowed making the lines on his forehead more defined.

"He still hasn't told you?" I asked letting out a disgusted laugh. He looked at me like I had seven heads and took that as a no. "Trace has managed to impregnate Two Faced Whore Barbie."

"WHAT?! When...How...Is the kid even his?"

"Apparently, but I can't say I'd be surprised if the kid came out looking like the milk mans baby."

"I can't believe he hasn't told me," he said attempting to sit up further on the pillow but struggling. I stood up and helped him so that the pillows were now on his lower back instead of in the middle. "When did he spill the beans to you?"

I sat back down with a sigh debating on whether I should tell him the truth or just make up another day. When I looked up at him he was staring at me waiting in anticipation and I decided that now was as good a time as any to talk about the aftermath of my answer. "They actually told me the day we broke up so.... that added insult to injury...."

"Oh," he said bringing his good arm up to scratch the back of his now shaved head, "I ummm...I was actually hoping maybe we could talk about that."

"We really don't have to Justin," I said looking down at the floor instantly regretting my decision to tell him the truth.

"Emily look at me," he replied after a few seconds of silence. I forced my eyes to look up into his and got lost in his baby blues like I always did. "I really want to."

"There really isn't anything to say."

"I think there's a lot to say..."

"Justin I just don't--"

"Oh thank God you're here!" I spun my head around to see Robin standing at the door with a wheel chair in front of her and pain written across her face. "Come on help me get him in here."

"What's the matter?" I asked not knowing what was going on but immediately helping Justin scoot over to the side of the bed.

"It's Chloe..."

Everyone stopped moving for a second, frozen in place with chills running down everyone's spine. I looked up at Justin's face and saw a pool of tears forming in his eyes. "But she's seven," I said not taking my eyes off Justin's.

"We should really go," Robin replied helping me get Justin in the wheelchair. We walked for what seemed like days until we reached room 521. Robin went in first and I pushed Justin close behind her, "Chloe, Justin and Emily are here to see you," she said with enthusiasm. Chloe turned her head on the pillow to look at us but didn't say anything. I pushed Justin closer to her bed and watched him pick up her little hand and place it in his one good hand.

Robin started walking out and I followed close behind her giving them a minute alone in hopes to get some questions answered. "What about her mother?" I whispered just as we hit the door.

"She left about an hour ago to go pick up her mother in Nevada to bring her back here. We thought she had more time..."

"So this...This is it?"

She threw her clipboard on the nurse's station looking down at her hands. "All of her organs are slowly shutting down. It's just a matter of time now." 

"This is just...not good."

"You should go back in there," she said walking away.

"Are you okay?"

"I usually don't get like this but...I'll be fine."

I turned around after a minute and walked back into the room, pulling up a chair next to Justin. Chloe's eyes were closed and he was singing "Part of Your World" softly from The Little Mermaid. His hand was on the top of her head and every now and then he'd run his hand over it like she still had her long brown curls sitting on top of it. Tears were falling down his cheeks and it took a lot of effort on his part to finish the song. I picked my hand up putting it over hers and watched her eyes flutter open when the song ended. I linked my pinky with Justin's that was sticking out from under his cast and he squeezed it as hard as he could.

"Justin?" She said softly straining her voice to be audible.

"Yeah?" He responded a few seconds later after he composed himself enough to speak.

"When you and Emily get married can I come?"

My mouth hit the floor and his head turned so fast to look at me I thought it was about to spin totally around. I shook my head answering the silent question he was asking me. Did I tell her we were getting married? Did I tell her we broke up? The answer was no to both. "Chloe, Emily and I aren't--"

"Of course you can Chlo," I interrupted him refusing to let him crush a dying girls dreams.

"Cool!" She turned her head to the side away from us facing the window. The sun was going down and the trees outside were swaying due to the high winds we've been having. There were tears streaming down Justin's face again and I could feel my eyes welling up. What could she be thinking about right now? Does she know that she's going to die and her mother won't even be here when it happens? "Will you sing the song?" she asked, keeping her eyes away from us, "The one you always sing before you leave?"

He shook his head leaning back away from her bed and put his hand over his face letting out a soft sob. I put one hand on his leg and the other in Chloe's. I pushed my seat closer to him and felt his head go down on my shoulder. Leaning down I placed a soft kiss on the top of his head and whispered in his ear, "Sing her the song, you can do it." When he picked his head up off my shoulder I focused my attention on the seven year old in the bed in front of us, about to die. "Which song do you want him to sing?"

"The sunshine one," she said after a few minutes of thinking. Her head bobbed back over to our side but her eyes were closed, "I really like the sunshine one."

I don't know how I was staying composed, but something in my body turned on that told me I had to be the strong one. I looked at Justin who was still wiping away tears then back down at Chloe who was taking shorter and shorter breathes longer and longer apart. "We love you Chlo," I whispered placing a kiss on her cheek. When I sat back down I turned to look behind me and saw Robin at the door holding a tissue in her hand, crying. I squeezed his hand and after taking a few deep breaths he started singing.

"You are my sunshine...my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey." Tears started to fall down my face because I knew it was the end. It's just like you see on TV and in the movies when the monitors start beeping really fast and the person that's dying just kind of stares at you until it's over. I was squeezing her hand and she was staring at Justin while attempting to squeeze my hand back. As the beeping got faster I felt someone come into the room and soon it stopped all together. Looking to my right I saw Robin unplugging the machine and Justin found it in himself to keep going. "You'll never know dear, how much I love you..." Her grip on my hand got looser and her eyes started to close. Justin closed his eyes and when he re-opened them he was staring at me with his mouth open and together we sang the last line, "Please don't take my sunshine away." And with that she no longer held onto my hand, and her eyes were completely closed. I looked up at Robin and she just nodded as tears slid down her cheeks.

Justin's head slammed down on the bed and he began to cry so hard that it was hard for him to breathe. Chloe was gone. A seven year old that less then 6 months ago had more life to her then anyone I'd ever seen before, now had no life left in her. How could this be happening? I was rubbing his back when Robin leaned down to hug him before telling us we had to leave in 5 minutes. He sat up and watched her leave then turned to me with so much sadness on her face that it made me want to go inside of his body and pull it all out. I've never seen him look like this before and it was tearing me apart inside even more then I already was. "I know," was all I could say before wrapping my arms around his neck and holding him until a nurse came to kick us out. I couldn't look at her before we left, I wanted to remember her alive and happy, but Justin picked up her hand and spoke to her for a minute before wheeling himself out to the nurses station where I was standing staring off into space just like Robin was. When I saw him out of the corner of my eye I pushed myself off of the desk where I was leaning on my elbows, "You okay?"

"I don't think that's the word I'd use but..."

Just then I heard the elevator ding loudly behind me, and I turned around to see Chloe's mom Cheryl running towards the desk. About half way over she realized the look on all of our faces and I saw her whole body shut down even though she continued to run. She looked at Robin pleading with her not to say her daughter was dead, and when she shook her head she threw herself onto me wrapping her arms around my neck and cried on my shoulder. I wasn't sure why I was the chosen one but I held onto her for dear life rubbing her back and running my hand through her hair to try and soothe her as much as I could. In time she backed away, her cheeks were beat red and her eyes were puffy and wet. "Were you with her?" she asked struggling to get the words out.

"We were with her," I said holding her hand in mine looking at her in the eye hoping it would give her some strength. "Justin was singing to her, and I was holding her hand."

"She loved you guys...so much."

"We loved her too."

"Thank you," she said giving me another hug before leaning over to hug Justin, "You don't know how much it means to me to know that she wasn't alone."

"Your welcome," we both said at the same time, and with that she asked Robin to see her daughter one last time and Justin and I made our way back to the elevators in silence. He got back into bed and stared at the ceiling for a good hour while I stared at the wall, ignoring my cell phone that magically got turned on and wouldn't stop ringing. He finally looked over at me and put his hand out for me to take.

"I love you Em." It rolled off his tongue like he's been saying it everyday for the past 20 years.

"I love you too Justin."

It's funny how things can seemingly stop in your life but at the same time keep going like nothing ever happened. Though our lives ultimately went on pause the moment Chloe took her last breath everything else around us continued like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. Justin was transferred to a rehab center and he decided now was the best time to come clean to everyone about him being sick what seemed like so long ago but was really only a few months ago since he planned on being involved as much as possible with Chloe's funeral and Memorial Foundation. To say that people were shocked when they found out was the understatement of the century but it was a whole lot easier now to fill them in then it would have been when he was actually going through it. Trace cursed both of us out but Justin ended up winning the argument using the "you didn't tell me you were having a kid," card, and Johnny had many words with Justin but there was nothing anyone could do about it now.

Things between Justin and I are up in the air. We love each other. We both finally said it out loud to one another and meant it. We weren't fighting or debating things we just said it and meant it, but just because we love each other doesn't mean we slipped right back into a relationship and continued where we left off. In fact we haven't really talked about it. It's been two days and we haven't really done much talking at all actually. Justin goes to his therapy sessions while I stay in his room to do work, and when he comes back he'll tell me how it all went, we'll talk about work and sometimes about Chloe but that's about it. Today though, when he came back I could tell we'd be talking about a whole lot more then that.

"What do you believe?" he asked me after the nurse walked out of the room. Chloe's wake was tonight and they wouldn't allow him to leave rehab for it, but we managed to get them to agree to let him go to the funeral tomorrow.

I looked up from the computer screen and furrowed my brow at him, "What do you mean?"

"With everything," he was looking at the ceiling and had his hands behind his head.

"I don't know...I believe a lot of things."

"Do you believe in heaven?"

"I want to believe in heaven, but I'm not sure if I do," I replied closing the laptop and placing it on the table next to me. "It's hard to believe in something you don't know for certain actually exists. It's just...it's not tangible so how would I know for sure you know?"

"What if it sucks? I mean people build heaven up to be this amazing place, your perfect world...could you imagine if it was like a Motel 6 with stale muffins every morning?"

"That would be pretty bad. But I guess if you had everyone that you loved around you it wouldn't be so awful."

"Do you believe everything happens for a reason?"

"Depends on the day I guess. I think something good can come out of every bad situation but I can't sit here and say everything happens for a reason."

"Do you think Jake died for a reason?"

"I haven't figured that one out yet," I said after a few minutes of thought. "On the one hand it brought me closer to you which would have never happened if he didn't. But on the other hand, dealing with that...feeling your heart get pulled out of your chest and not knowing how your going to live, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. So if your asking if I think Jake died so that we could be together, then my answer would be no." He turned his head to the side and opened his eyes wide to stare at me, shocked by my answer. "I mean lets face it, I loved Jake and I was happy with or without you in my life at the time. If he were still alive...it wouldn't bother me that we weren't friends Justin because things between us would have never changed, I wouldn't know the real you. But he's not here anymore and I know the real you, and I know that I love the real you and don't want to be without you."

"So Jake was your soul mate." He said it as a statement not a question and looked pretty defeated.

"I don't really believe in soul mates. I believe that there's someone out there for everyone, but I think that for some people there's more then one person."

He didn't say anything for a while just looked down at his hands, so I got up making him push over a little bit on his bed and sat up next to him. "I was scared," he finally said after I picked up his hand in mine.

"We were all scared Justin...Well at least your mother and I were."

"No," he shook his head and finally looked at me, "That's not what I mean. I was scared because I loved you so much. When Jake died, I remember you saying it hurt so bad because you loved him with every piece of you and you would yell at me and say I couldn't understand because I've never felt like that before, and you were right. But then I felt it and I got scared."

"Justin," I didn't mean to actually say anything out loud but it came out as a whisper.

"I was scared that I'd lose you. Scared that I'd fuck up. Scared that I'd never live up to Jake. But instead of telling you all this I blamed you for something you didn't even do. Em I'm so sorry. It took Chloe dying for me to realize how short life is and how fucked up what I did to you was and I'm just so sorry."

I turned my whole body so that I was now facing him instead of the wall in front of us forcing him to look up at me, "I never wanted you to be Jake. I just want you to be Justin. I'm not looking to replace him because he can't be replaced. I will always love Jake, but that doesn't mean I can't love you too. And I do...I love you Justin so much, and I don't know how or why it happened but it did. And maybe...God maybe I wasn't ready before, maybe you were right and you just didn't know it--"

"You were ready," he said cutting me off, "You were just scared too. Scared that I'd hurt you or leave you and I did both of those things and I will never forgive myself for it. But you just left Em. You walked out the door and didn't turn back like you didn't even care. You didn't function for months with Jake and with me you were over it with the snap of a finger, and that tore me apart. Even now...you are the most emotional person I know and you're looking at me like this is having absolutely no effect on your life."

"You are the most inconsistent person I know Justin! I cry and you tell me to be strong, I don't cry and you tell me I should be sobbing...What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to love me like you loved him..." he looked at me with a pool of tears in his eyes, for the first time in his life questioning if he'd ever be good enough.

I got off of the bed and stood in front of it waiting for him to really look at me and pay attention. When I saw a tear slide down his cheek I began speaking in what I hoped came off as a calm tone, "You need to quit comparing yourself to him. You are not Jake, you are Justin Timberlake. When I'm with you I'm not wishing you were him, I'm not even thinking about him. I love you Justin," I said pushing my finger so hard into my chest where my heart sat over and over again that it began to hurt, "I'm in love with you...With everything about you. I can sit here for hours and give you a million reason why if you want me to." He didn't say anything, just cocked his head to the side and smirked. "Fine, I'll give you reasons," I moved back over to the bed sitting on the edge with one leg under me and the other hanging off the side facing him. "I love that while your trying to think about how your going to answer a question you look down and rub the sides of your mouth. And I love that when you don't want to get yourself in trouble by saying something stupid you stutter until you come up with a better response. I love how when we're sitting next to each other on the couch you'll put your arm on the top of the cushions and slowly move it down onto my shoulders. And when you laugh...like really laugh hard you scrunch up your nose and cover your mouth," he let out a soft chuckle as he picked up my hand in his. "And I especially love when you fall asleep and hold me close to you and I can feel your breath on my neck, it comforts me. Or how about when you kiss me, right before you back away you swipe your tongue across my bottom lip. Do you want me to keep going? Because I will."

He shook his head and looked down at my hand in his, "Why didn't you put up a fight? Why did you just leave?"

"I don't know why to be honest. All I know is that I felt strangely calm about the whole thing, like if it was meant to be it will be. I knew fighting with you about it would only hurt both of us more and I didn't want that, but it wasn't because I didn't love you. If I didn't love you I wouldn't have dropped everything to be here with you when your mother called me, and I certainly wouldn't have put up with you being so damn annoying at the office. If there is anyone in this world that knows about losing people and how to deal with it, well then that person is me. And it just...it didn't feel like I was losing you. For over a year I've been scared to lose you and if there's one thing you've taught me it's that you're not going anywhere and I knew that."

"You really do love me Logan," he smiled bringing my hand up to his lips.

"I really do love you..."

"Give me ten more reasons why."

I slapped his shoulder and felt a thousand pounds come off my back when I saw a smile appear on his face and heard him laugh for real for the first time since we broke up. "I'll tell you what I don't love. I don't love when you lay on the couch by yourself and I walk in the room and your hand is down your pants and your scratching your balls while you're watching Sport's Center."

He gasped, putting his hand that was still in a cast over his heart, "But I thought you said you loved everything about me!"

"I lied?" I shrugged my shoulders while he pulled me towards him, "Careful there Sparky, pull to hard and you might break this arm too."

His lips grazed mine and I felt a chill go down my spine. He let go of my hand and I wrapped my arm around his neck while his went around my back. I could feel his breath on my lips and for a few seconds I savored the moment not even wanting to kiss him, but after a few moments passed I leaned in to feel his lips on mine. I imagined that it might feel a little different, but it didn't. It still felt like the most amazing thing ever in life, and I smiled against his lips before I backed away. "I'm sorry for hurting you Em," he whispered running his hand down my cheek.

"I know you are...And I forgive you."

"What would Butch have to say about this?" he laughed leaning his back on the pillow behind him.

"You're never going to let me live that down are you?"

"I doubt it."

***

I've heard about 10 people say that funerals are a celebration of life today. I for one do not agree. Funeral's are the most heart wrenching things ever and no one should be celebrating the fact that a seven year old who was sick the last 2 years of her life has died. It sounds awful to say out loud but that's how I feel. I've been to too many funerals in my short life but this one was the worst one I've ever seen.

Sitting sandwiched in between Justin and Robin I watched a tiny coffin get rolled down the aisle and listened to so many people talk about a little girl that I had grown so close to and loved so much in the very short amount of time I knew her. I spaced out at one point thinking about everything that I had done from the age of seven up until today and how much Chloe will never experience and it's just not right. I snapped back to reality when I felt a crutch that was leaning up against my leg move and saw Justin hobbling up to the pulpit to speak. He didn't have anything written down, said he was going to just speak from his heart and after leaning his crutches up against the wall he brushed invisible dust off of this black suit and started speaking.

"People are sometimes shocked to find out that I hate public speaking," he started clearing his throat as he looked at the wall in the back of the room. "So when I was asked to speak today I wanted to say no, but I knew I had to do it for Chloe because I knew she would do it for me. All I can tell you about Chlo is that without her I would not be here today. She was the happiest, strongest, most fun loving person I've ever met in my life and I've met a lot of people." He looked down at his cast and I saw him rub the spot where Chloe signed her name and drew a music note before he looked back up with tears in his eyes. "I looked to Chloe, a seven year old, for strength when I was going through the worst time of my life and I got it from her. If I could have died for her to give her the chance to experience everything that she should have, and to make an even bigger impact on this world then she already did then I would have. She is my hero and I can only hope that someday I can be half as good of a person as she was." He reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a piece of paper, opening it and smoothing it out on the marble in front of him. "The only way I really know how to express myself is by writing lyrics, and since Chloe always made me sing to her before our visits ended I thought that I should probably do that now. I uh...I would normally play the guitar or something but that's kind of impossible at this point," he said lifting up his arm letting out a nervous laugh. A small chuckle broke out in the congregation and he looked up at me letting out a breath. "So I'm just going to do this I guess. This is for you Chlo." He hopped back a couple of steps from the microphone holding onto the railings on each side of him and began singing the song that he wrote for her in less then an hour acapella"

"When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life

When I look back on these days
I look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there you'll be
And everywhere I am, there you'll be

You know you showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me

Your love made me make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be

'Cause I always saw in you my light my strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways
You were right there for me, you were right there for me always

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there you'll be
And everywhere I am, there you'll be

There you'll be"

He made it through the whole song without crying, but as he made his way back to sit down he lost it along with everyone else in the room, and the minute he was next to me he put his head on my shoulder and sobbed harder then I've ever seen him before in my life.
 

November 2010

I sat on the floor to zip up the last piece of luggage in sight, looking around the room I let out a satisfied breath and took in the silence only to be interrupted two seconds later by an ear-piercing scream. I knew it wouldn't last too long. Squeezing my eyes shut and putting my hands over my ears I screamed down the hall, "In here Ma!" Having a minute to myself has been a rare commodity lately, and I kicked myself for even thinking that I might have one today. Ma barged through the door looking at me like she was about to go crazy and I almost picked up the phone to call the loony bin, but I reached out for the screaming child in her arms instead, "Come here Ava, before you send your grandma to an institution." Crossing my legs indian style under me I put the six month old in my lap holding onto her back to keep her upright putting a wet kiss on her cheek. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and I couldn't help smiling before picking her up and throwing her gently in the air turning her sobbing into laughter.

"Don't do that Emsie, she'll spit up..."

"Would you rather her spit up or scream in your ear?"

"These are new carpets."

"Alright, alright," I said putting the baby over my shoulder before standing up. I placed a kiss on my mothers cheek before making my way out of the room, "I'll throw her in the air in the living room where there's hardwood floors!"

"EMILY! My new couches come on..."

"I'm kidding Ma! Calm down..." I put Ava in her swing in the living room then made my way to the kitchen putting my now cold cup of tea in the microwave.

"Where's Justin?" she asked throwing herself onto a chair at the table.

"Last time I checked he was packing up the car, but that was over an hour ago so I'm going to assume he took a joy ride somewhere, probably to the golf course, to avoid helping."

"I don't like this Emily. It just...It doesn't feel right."

I hissed shaking my finger confirming for the millionth time sticking your finger in something to see if it's hot enough isn't really the right thing to do, then took my cup and sat at the table across from her. "It's time to leave the nest Ma and you know it."

"But both of you?"

"You know we'll come back to visit. I've been gone for close to a year and it's almost like I never left because I'm here so much."

Shaking her head she looked up when she heard the front door open and close, "I just don't think he's ready for it."

Ava screamed but this time it was pure joy coming out of her mouth and I heard Justin laugh as he unhooked her from her seat. "He has to start over Ma. Staying here, the place where the mother of his child just up and left him leaving the kid behind, he's going to go crazy. He can't do it alone and as much as you want to help him you know that you can't do everything that he needs. Justin and I are in LA, the company is in LA he needs to be there so that we can help him and he can move on."

"This is Trace we're talking about Emily...He's going to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of LA and you know it."

"He's a father now," I said standing up to take my niece out of Justin's arms, "Come sit with Aunty Em Ava, and tell grandma that your daddy is going to be just fine in the big city. Because he will be," I emphasized looking up at my mother who was still shaking her head.

"You know...every time you say Aunty Em I see a Yellow Brick Road in my head," Justin laughed from the cabinet as he pulled out his own mug dropping a tea bag in the hot water, "She should call you something else...like...Aunty Shelly. Yeah, Aunty Shelly."

"Ava can you please tell Uncle Justin to shut his mouth before I shut it for him?"

"Why would she call you Aunty Shelly?"

"See what you did now?" I glared at Justin, "Couldn't just keep it to yourself now could you?"

"What fun would that be?" he asked kissing my forehead as he sat down in the chair next to me. "Tell Aunty Shelly she shouldn't be ashamed of her past munchkin."

"Why is he calling you Shelly?"

"Just...forget it Ma. Look the point is this...Trace is going to be fine he's a big boy, and we'll be there to help him. You can come visit whenever you want and I'm sure he'll be home more often then you think because I don't cook nearly as good as you do."

"I just don't understand why he's calling you Shelly."

Justin nearly spit the tea that he just put in his mouth out when he broke into a fit of laughter causing Ava to turn her head and start laughing at him. I rolled my eyes handing the baby to Ma and got up putting the mug in the dishwasher and started making my way towards the bedroom to get the luggage when Trace walked in. "Ma thinks your going to die in LA and I can't convince her otherwise, and your best friend is about to be in the dog house for the rest of his life if he doesn't learn how to shut his mouth so you might want to go control them before we take off," I said passing by him.

"I leave for 10 minutes and all hell breaks loose?"

"Clearly you are the glue that holds this family together Trace."

"Juanitoooooo," I heard Justin yell from the kitchen causing a smile to form on my face. I just can't stay mad at that fucker for long...

***

We've come a long way in the past year. It took Justin two months of rehab to get back on his feet, and just a few months later Bri gave birth to my niece Ava Marie Ayala. Once I saw that the child was the spitting image of my brother I no longer had any doubts that the baby was actually his. I had moved in with Justin in LA before the baby was born but we came home for a few weeks once we got the news that she had arrived. About three weeks after she was born Trace and I went to a family gathering leaving Bri and Justin alone with Ava, and came back three hours later to Bri standing at the front door with her bags packed. Apparently she tried to make a move on Justin and he wasn't having it so she informed Trace of what her intentions were all along; she was with him to get close to Justin and now that she knew that wasn't going to happen she no longer had any use for him or for their child, and she left. Just walked out the door like nothing ever happened.

I thought Trace would be heartbroken, and in a way he was but not nearly as much as one would think. He was angry and scared because who wouldn't be when all of a sudden it was their job to take care of a newborn by themselves. We stayed in Tennessee for a while helping Trace get back on his feet, which he did rather quickly, and I was able to take the final baby step in my recovery process. We stayed at my house, more specifically in my bedroom that I once shared with Jake, and I made it out alive.

Somehow we turned into one big happy messed up family and leaving to go back to California was one of the hardest things ever, but it was nice to know that not soon after Trace and Ava would be coming out to. My brother has turned into someone I do not know, but I'm so proud of him. He's taken on the role of Daddy and he's doing a great job at it. He's no longer out partying until 3 in the morning and instead of going out to buy bottles of Jack every night he's out buying formula and reading nursery rhymes to his daughter. Deep down I know that it's really taking a toll on him though especially since he's basically doing it alone, so I'll feel better about the situation once he comes to live with us and I can take some of the burden off of him. 

Justin and I have settled into a really nice normal routine. I can't express how happy it makes me to know that I now have a sense of normalcy again. I come home from work everyday knowing that when I go to bed at night he'll be next to me and it's so refreshing to love someone again and know that I'm loved in return. The "stupid facebook movie" as Trace likes to call it, that he filmed while he was sick hit theaters last month and to say it took off is an understatement. He's been doing press everyday and people are actually accepting him in the acting world. He is happy...We are happy.

"What are you doing in here?" I looked up from where I was laying on the floor of Trace's old room to see Justin in the doorway. I smiled as he walked over to lie down next to me.

"Just thinkin'."

"That's never a good thing..."

"Nice asshole," I laughed hitting him in the stomach. He picked up my hand kissing the inside of it before lacing his fingers with mine. "This room use to be so much bigger."

"Yeah...When we were five."

"We've come a long ass way..."

We sat there for a while not saying anything and I listened to everything going on around me. The wind blowing softly outside, and the crunch of the leaves on the ground every time someone walked by. In the living room I heard Ava's toy teddy bear singing the ABC's and every now and then she'd shriek with laughter followed soon after by Trace laughing at her. The last time I sat in this room and actually thought about anything was the day I found out how my parents were killed, and I can tell you now that there was no way in hell I thought I'd be where I am today then. This is where I grew up...This was my childhood and after all these years of saying I had no home, and my childhood was ruined I'm finally realizing that it was here all along. "The police just called," I shot back to life turning my head to look at him with a confused face. He cleared his throat and continued to look up at the plastic glow in the dark stars that were on the ceiling because Trace was afraid of the dark as a kid, "They have the guy."

"What guy?"

"The one who hit Jake," he said squeezing my hand.

A chill ran down my spine and the breath that I was taking got stuck in my throat. "It's been two years..."

"They said he turned himself in after they ran that story on the news last week. Charged him with manslaughter."

"Good," I said brushing a tear away, "I hope he rots in jail." We sat for a while longer until I cleared my throat and sat up, "I should call his parents..."

"They're in the kitchen."

I stood up brushing the back of my jeans off and took a deep breath. When I looked down Justin was still lying on the floor looking up at me with a smile on his face, "I love you," I whispered kneeling down to kiss him.

When I pulled away he licked his lips and smirked causing me to smile even though I didn't want to, "I love you too Emmy."

~

We've stayed close, Jake's parents and I. One time I called them my second family and then realized that in reality they're like my third family but that's beside the point. I talk to his mother on the phone almost as often as I talk to my own, but seeing them is a totally different story. It's still hard for me to look at them because I see so much of Jake in them, and I can tell it's hard for them to see me too. I threw my shoulders back before making my way into the kitchen for some reason trying to prove to them that I'm stronger about this then I actually am. "Emily!" Cat shouted, jumping out of her seat to scoop me up in a hug, "It's so good to see you sweetie."

"You too," I replied leaning over the table to kiss Michael on the cheek. I was uncomfortable and the fact that you could hear a pin drop wasn't helping the situation at all.

"So...Did Justin tell you?" he asked looking down at the table.

I noticed him playing with a crumb still not able to look me in the eye. "Yeah, he just did. What happens now?"

"Well...they charged him with manslaughter so now they have to pick a jury and figure out sentencing."

I looked up from my hands at both of them, Michael had his hand over Cat's on the table and they were both looking down at that, tears in there eyes. I looked over to Ma sitting next to me and she put her hand on my head combing through my hair, one of the only things that use to soothe me as a child knowing that I was about to break. "I don't want to see him." In my head the words came out a lot louder then they actually did.

"What's that sweetheart?"

I slammed my hands on the table pushing my chair back and standing up. Trying to be strong and actually being strong are two different things, and even though I've learned how to be stronger then I use to be some things just were not as easy to deal with. "I said I don't want to see him," I screamed punching the table as I did. "I know I sound like a huge bitch but I just...I can't do this anymore!" I took off, hearing the chair I was sitting in slam on the ground as I ran down the hallway towards the stairs plowing through Justin who was staring at me shocked on my way. I went straight for the string to pull down the attic stairs and ran up them so fast I'm not sure how I didn't fall, and I wasted no time unlocking the window to the roof and stepping outside. Slowing down I walked to the edge and stood there for a while willing the tears that were about to drop from my eyes to go away.

I was happy that they found the guy, and happy that he was going to pay for what he did. For the life that he cut short, and for all the pain that he caused to so many people, but I just can't go back and relive it anymore. I stood and stood and stood until my legs were shaking so bad I couldn't stand anymore so I sat down hanging my legs over the side of the roof. "You sure know how to cause a scene," I heard Trace say behind me.

"Go away..."

Ignoring me as always, he sat down next to me and layed back with his hands behind his head and his legs that were hanging off the roof crossed at the ankles, "There's a tent to the left of that big oak tree..."

"I'm not doing this," I said throwing a small pebble that was sitting next to me. I watched it fly through the air until I couldn't see it anymore and let out a heavy sigh.

"An elephant right above your head..."

I looked up instinctually spotting the cloud instantly. "This is stupid." I felt him tug on the back of my shirt so I gave in and layed back on the roof.

"It almost looks like a wave it about to take the elephant out."

"Okay okay I get it. I need to calm down..."

"What's with the explosion?"

"I just can't do it anymore. I don't know how to explain it...This whole situation has consumed my life for the past two years." I shook my head looking up at the sky trying to figure out how to deal with everything that was going on. "Things are finally getting back to normal. I'm finally content again and having to see this guy...it's just going to make every emotion resurface again and I can't handle that." 

"If you don't want to see him Em, you don't have to...but you can handle it. You're the strongest person I know--"

"No I'm not. I'm an emotional wreck, and I cry every five seconds."

"I can't even remember the last time I saw you cry, and don't ever say you're not strong. Who was the one that was there for Justin when he was sick and when Chloe died? You were. And who was there for Jake's parents when he died, and for everything that happened after that? Every fundraiser, memorial mass, interview...it was you. And I don't know how I'd be sane right now if it weren't for you helping me through everything that happened with Bri, not to mention Ava wouldn't be half the person she is if it weren't for you..."

"I was only able to do that because of Justin."

"That's not true at all. Sure he helped you become the person that you are today, but you being able to handle everything that has come your way is not because of Justin. You've been through hell and back...twice and you've come out stronger because of it. Most people don't even survive it the first time. If you don't want to see him then that's fine...but don't say you can't do it, because you can do anything you set your mind to."

"I'm at the point now where I want to remember Jake and all of the good times. I don't want to dwell on the past, or think about that night anymore. It sounds so selfish but I just don't want anything to come between me and my happiness again. I can't let that happen."

"It's not selfish Em."

"I just don't want them to hate me," I sighed sitting up holding my legs close to my chest. "I know they think that I moved on too quickly, and I don't want to hurt them anymore then they already are..."

"Sometimes," he started but paused briefly almost as if he was trying to make sure the words came out the right way. "At some point...you have to stop caring about what other people think, and just do what's best for you. It's not about making other people happy."

"They're going to hate me..."

"They're family. They won't hate you."

"You know," I said craning my neck to look back at him lying on the roof, "It's always shocking to me when you make sense."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Thanks Trace Face," I stood up only to lean down to kiss him on the cheek, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Fall apart," he yelled as I walked back towards the window, "Because I'm the glue that holds this family together."

I let out a soft laugh and shook my head as I walked back down to the kitchen, this time actually feeling as strong as the way I pretended to feel before. Pa had joined everyone at the table, and patted my head like a dog as I sat down next to him, "Feeling better darlin'?"

"Yeah. Sorry I freaked out on you guys...I just--"

"We understand," Cat cut me off finally looking at me and I was left with my mouth hanging open and my brows furrowed at her. "We feel the same way Emily. Things are finally getting back to normal and seeing this man that did this to us...We don't want to see him either."

"You don't?" I questioned, shocked that they felt this way.

"That's what we came here to tell you sweetie. I...We know that you've moved on and it may come off like we're not happy for you or that we don't approve but that's just the farthest thing from the truth. In a way we've moved on too, and like you we don't want to bring back all those feelings again."

"See...Told you it'd be fine," Trace said punching me in the shoulder as he walked by me. I turned to punch him back but he was too far away so like the mature adult that I am I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Real nice Shelly...What would Butch say about that?"

"Whyyyyyyyy is everyone calling you Shelly?" Ma asked, clearly annoyed that she's not in on the nickname.

"I hate both of you," I replied pointing to Trace then to Justin who was now standing in the doorway of the kitchen. "When we get to LA both of you can fend for yourselves." I spoke with Jake's parents for about an hour before getting up to kiss Cat and Michael goodbye then made my way to the bedroom to bring the last piece of luggage to the car.

When I walked back in the house I took in its scent, knowing that I wouldn't be back here as often anymore now that Trace would be living with us. This is what home smells like, I thought to myself as I walked through the living room and sat down on the floor with my family to play with my niece. Justin drooped his arm over my shoulder and pulled me close to him placing a soft kiss on my temple and I smiled warmly against his neck wrapping my arms around his torso as I watched Ava try to roll over onto her belly. When she finally threw her leg over and successfully completed the task at hand we all erupted into applause like we were at a sporting event. Justin ran his fingers through my hair and I placed my head on his shoulder, and I smiled my first genuine smile in a very very long time.

"Justin?" I threw my keys on the counter not even having any energy to lift my arm up to put them on my designated key hook, and kicked my shoes off at the door. I could hear the TV in the living room, the same people I hear everyday coming from ESPN while I walked to the refrigerator and grabbed myself a bottle of water, but there was no response from him. "J?" I yelled a little louder but still got nothing in return. Finding it a bit strange I closed the freezer door placing frozen chicken in the sink to defrost for dinner tomorrow and walked a little bit faster then normal into the living room. I stopped in my tracks at the doorway taking in the scene in front of me. Ava was passed out in her playpen, her right hand under her head, and her left arm holding on tightly to the stuffed guitar Justin won her at the fair last week. And Justin...Justin was sprawled out on the couch, one leg hanging off the side of it, the other hanging off the back of it. The TV remote was sitting on his chest and his head was half on the pillow, half hanging off the side of the couch. I took my phone out of my back pocket and snapped a picture for future blackmail before making my way over to the playpen to scoop up my niece and bring her to her room.

Trace was in New York on business and Justin got the bright idea to volunteer our godparent skills and offered to baby-sit for five days because he had a week off before he had to start doing promo for his next movie, and I wasn't traveling this week. Even though he didn't say he offered to prove to me that we should have kids at some point in our life, I know that was one of his reasons as well. After I explained to him it would be a bad idea since I had a lot to do in the office and this would be his only break for a really long time he still threw it out there, and 48 hours later he's dead to the world on the couch at 9:30 at night. I turned the TV off and sat of the edge of the couch leaning down to kiss his forehead. After a couple of seconds his eyes rolled open and his hand came up to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "Let's go to bed," I said with a smile as the biggest yawn of the century came out of his mouth.

"I'm up, I'm up," but in reality his eyes were closed as he brought his arm up to rub my back. "What time is it?"

"Early enough for it to not be time for bed for anyone that hasn't taken care of an almost one year old all day today."

"Did you just get home?"

"I did...Come on, bed," I stood up pulling on his arm realizing that I should probably hit the gym because it was extremely difficult for me to pull 180 pounds of dead weight. He let me struggle for a while before finally giving in and following me up the steps.

We made it to the landing of the second floor before he poked at my sides causing me to jump with my hand on my heart and turn around to give him a nasty glance. "Come here," he growled pulling the bottom of my shirt closer to him. I wrapped my arms around his torso resting my head on his chest and he placed a kiss on the top of my head. "Happy birthday..."

"I don't do--"

"I know I know you don't do birthdays. I'm not making it a big deal I'm just saying happy birthday. Since it is kind of a big one..."

"Are you calling me old?"

"I am calling you 30 and beautiful."

"30 sounds so old," I said scrunching my nose up at the sound of my new age.

"You calling me old Logan?"

"I absolutely am." I turned around with a smirk on my face practically sprinting to the bedroom knowing that he was going to attack me. I jumped on the bed getting under the covers as fast as I could putting my face in the pillow when I heard the door click closed and he jumped on top of me. But instead of tickling me like he normally would he nuzzled his nose in my neck kissing it softly before giving me a back rub. "Is this a birthday back rub?"

"What?" he asked shocked I would even say that, "It absolutely is not! You don't do birthdays."

"This is why I love you..."

***

I didn't sleep much last night because Justin had been sleeping for about three hours before I got home and I will never...ever say no to hours upon hours worth of birthday sex. Well...if I'm sticking to my own rule it was just sex but lets be honest, we never stay up all night and have sex unless it's one of our birthdays. Ava decided to wake up two hours before she normally does and like the man that he is Justin slept through the screaming so I was the one that was attempting to play with her for hours on end before he finally got his ass up so that I could come to the office. I've been here for what seems like days but when I managed to look up at the clock from where my cheek was flat up against the desk I realized I'd only been here for three hours and I have gotten absolutely nothing done. I seemingly smashed the red flashing button on my phone only to make the ringing stop so that I can get back to my much-needed nap, "Logan," I shouted groggily.

"Emily...you have to come home!" Julie was talking so fast I could barely understand a word she was saying.

"What? Why?"

"Ava--"

"What about Ava?" my head shot up and suddenly it was like I had just slept for days.

"Well she...she's crying and she won't stop."

I let out the breath I was holding in and put my hand over my heart to make sure it stopped racing.  "Really? She's a baby! And what are you doing at my house anyway? Where's Justin he's suppose to be watching her!"

"Justin? Oh he...he ummm...he had to go do something so he called me. She just...she's screaming and she won't stop, I need you to come home please?" 

"Julie...I am a business woman," I started pointing to myself like she could actually see me, "Ava is a child...children, they cry."

"I-I-It's pretty bad Em, and she keeps saying 'Meme Meme' and that's what she calls you. I think something's wrong and I don't know when Justin is going to be back, you know I don't do kids..."

"Well neither do I, but look at me! I don't even hear her..."

"She's in the other room. I couldn't take it anymore--"

"You left her in a room alone? Julie what the hell is wrong with you?"

"SEE!" she screamed, "I JUST NEED YOU TO COME HOME!"

"Alright already my goodness! Just make sure you don't kill her by the time I get there, and if Justin comes home before I do tell him he's in a shitload of trouble!" I hung up and proceeded to drag myself to the coat hook to grab my purse, pulling out my cell phone and speed dialing Justin's number.

I hit redial about 80 times; getting his voicemail each and every time I did so the entire way home. When I slammed the door to my car and I was about to get his voicemail again I was prepared to go off on his ass like Brooke went off on Jen on the Real World New Orleans all those years ago, but right as I opened my mouth to curse about getting his voicemail he answered. "Hey sexy lips!"

"Sexy lips really? Where the fuck did you go that you left the baby with Julie? Seriously Justin...you know she doesn't do kids and she's calling me to come home. I have work to do...WORK! Do you know what that is?" I was met with silence as I hit the button to the garage door watching it close and fumbling with my keys to open the door. "What do you have to say for yourself? You are the one that told Trace we'd watch her I said no from the start but you just had to go and--" My jaw, phone and purse all dropped when the door swung open and I saw Justin along with Julie and Trace and about 50 other people standing there.

"Surprise?" he asked with the biggest smirk on his face.

"What the fu--"

"BABY!" Trace yelled handing Ava to me and giving me a hug.

"What are you doing here? What is all this?"

"Happy day after your birthday sexy lips!" Trace backed away leaving me with his kid to make room for Mr. Sexy Lips himself to kiss me. "Don't kill me!"

"Oh you are so dead...You know I don't do--"

"Birthdays! We know," Julie cut in giving me a hug, "That's why this isn't a birthday party. It's a day after your 30th birthday celebration."

"If you think you're not dead too, you've got another thing coming! You really thought using the baby as an excuse was a good idea?"

"Trace told me to do it!"

I looked around and saw my whole family, all of my friends and co-workers and as much as I wanted to bash Justin, Julie and Trace off the head with a wooden baseball bat, I couldn't help but smile and feel very...very loved. Ava who was perched on my hip started clapping and screaming 'Meme Meme Meme' causing the whole room to break out into laughter and the tension that you could cut with a knife moments ago suddenly disappeared. She clung onto my neck as I made my way around the house saying hello to everyone and I stopped in my tracks when I saw Jake's parents standing in the back of the room. I haven't seen them since we left Tennessee but Cat and I have gotten into a routine of speaking to each other pretty much on a daily basis just to check in on her way to work every morning. The man that hit and killed Jake, Colin Westbrook, was sentenced to life in prison with a chance of parole in 25 years. None of us went to his sentencing and in a way that brought us all closer together. Every so often when I'm having a bad day, I'll type his name into a google search but I can never bring myself to actually hit the search button and look at a picture of him. I know it's for the best, but I can't help but sometimes be curious to see what this person actually looks like.

Before I could move to them, they made it over to me scooping me up in the tightest hug at the same time, "Happy non-birthday sweetheart," Cat cooed in my ear.

"Okay who do I have to kill for this? Trace or Julie?"

"Actually...Justin," I turned around following Michael's finger to see Justin standing behind me. Cat took Ava out of my arms laughing loudly at the small child that was speaking a language that no one could understand but her.

"You did this?"

"That depends on if you're going to kill me in my sleep or not," he smirked rubbing his hands up and down my arms.

Looking around the room again I sighed tugging on his shirt to pull him closer and kissed him, "I think I might let this one slide..."

"Well if that's the case then yes...I did this."

"Thank you," I said kissing him again. "Have I told you lately that I love you?"

"Have I told you there's no one else above you?"

"Okay Rod Stewart...Keep this up and I won't let it slide!"

"Love you," he replied in a singsong voice as he walked away, "Ease my troubles that's what you do!"

***

"EMSICLE!!"

"WHAT?" I screamed from the kitchen hoping my voice would reach up to Justin in the bedroom.

I heard the bedroom door open and listened as he padded to the top of the steps, "Bedroom...Now...Let's go!"

"Alright already, I'm almost done."

"No, no, no," he scolded making his way down the steps, "I told you not to clean up. The party was thrown for you to enjoy, not to clean up after."

"Okay, okay I'm done," I threw the sponge into the sink shrieking as I got thrown over his shoulder. Instead of fighting it like I normally do I hung there giving into my exhaustion as he carried me up the steps and threw me onto our bed. He began to undress me and I couldn't help but let out a chuckle watching him struggle with the hook to my bra. "Having some mechanical issues there Sparky?"

"Who designs these things? NASA Astronauts?" he asked giving up and throwing one of his t-shirts at me.

I put my hand on my heart and let my mouth fall into a shocked expression, "What? You throw my this huge birthday party and then no birthday sex?"

"Actually it was a day after your 30th birthday celebration, and no," he got under the covers and put his head on my chest. My hand instantly went to his bare back and began to lightly scratch it just the way he liked it. "You might be right about having kids..."

"Excuse me? Can you say that a little louder? Maybe write it down making sure to sign and date the bottom of the page?"

"Settle down killa! I said might be right. But after three days with Ava...You've proven to me that we should not have kids anytime soon."

"Maybe someday," I replied running my fingers through his curls, "When we're 50 and you're not across the country every other day, and I'm not so busy that I can't tell which way is up."

"We would make disgustingly good looking children," he said looking up at me.

"If only they don't come out with your nose," I replied sucking in a breath.

I expected him to attack, but instead he tilted his head to the side and nodded, "Good point." He put his head down on the pillow next to me, and I curled up on my side facing him as he put his arm around my waist holding onto the sheets behind me like he always does before kissing my nose. "Is your Mama going to be depressed when we tell her we don't want to get married?"

"I don't know maybe...once I explain it to her though she'll understand. She knows we're in it for the long haul and deep down inside she's wanted us together for just as long as your Mama has, so I don't think it'll matter to her whether there's a ring on my finger or not as long as we're happy."

"Are you happy?"

"Yeah," I replied leaning down to kiss his shoulder, "It took me a while to get here...Lots of twists and turns but I'm finally completely comfortable in who I am and happy with the way my life is."

"I guess I'm content," he laughed looking at me with his big beautiful blue eyes that get me every time even if I swear I'm going to be mad at him for at least 24 hours.

"Well you better get happy buddy because you're stuck with me forever."

"I wouldn't say I'm stuck with you forever...I'd say I'm choosing to be with you forever because you make me so happy and I've never been so sure of anything in my life."

"Nice recovery smart ass..."

"I love you Em."

"I love you too, and hey," I said after a few minutes when he was half awake and half asleep.

"Hm?"

"Thanks for saving my life."

"Don't be so dramatic..."

"No, I'm serious Justin. I wouldn't be here without you. I mean physically I would be, but mentally...I'd be off in space."

"With Butch?"

"Strong possibility that that statement would be the truth..."

"Now you're stuck with me forever."

"I wouldn't say that...I'd say I'm choosing to be with you forever because you make me so happy and I've--"

"Shut up," he cut me off hating when I mock him but laughing at the same time, "Shut up and kiss me," he rolled over and straddled me.

"Oh now you want to have birthday sex?" 

"Negative Shelly," he replied leaning down to place his lips on mine, "I want to have day after your birthday sex."

He looked at me questioning if I was going to comply with his request. I laughed wiggling out of his grasp a little so that I could be level with him, and I wrapped my arms around his neck placing small kisses on his chest, "What kind of person would I be if I said no to what I know would be mind blowing sex?"

"A person named Shelly with 3 cats and a rich grandma..." 

"Promise me you'll never let me be that girl..."

"Never have, and I never will."