Everyone in this world has a person. That person usually starts out as a parent and then once you start school and your parents aren't cool enough anymore it turns into a friend. For some people they meet someone in Kindergarten and that person is their person for the rest of their life. Other times your person changes when you have a falling out or life just gets in the way, and a new person steps up. Some people are best friends, and some even fall in love.

Everyone has a person.

***

Present

"Mom, Mrs. Ortiz said we're getting pen pal letters today in class. I told her I don't want one because I think pen pals are stupid."

I looked down at my 10 year old rolling her eyes waiting for me to put her peanut butter and jelly sandwich in her Selena Gomez lunch box so that she could get to the bus stop on time. "You know I had a pen pal when I was your age, they're actually kind of cool. And just think, you get to take an hour out of doing school work to write back."

"Why would I write to someone I don't even know in a whole other state? What can we even talk about?"

"Maybe your pen pal will love Selena Gomez, you can talk about that. And I bet you are going to be learning about the same things in school..."

"Booooooooring," she replied with a huff. "I don't want a pen pal."

"Trust me they're cool. I bet Dad would say they're cool too."

"Which Dad?" she asked getting more annoyed as the seconds passed and I didn't agree with her.

"The one you live with," I handed her the lunch box and kissed her on the head expecting our conversation to be over.

"So not the one that created me?"

"The one that raised you Lily. Now go get your brother you're going to miss the bus."

"The one-"

"LILY!" I cut her off not wanting to do this whole back and forth which dad, when, where and how thing she does sometimes.

"I was just going to say the-"

"Get your brother right now if you want to not be locked in your room all afternoon." I jumped to the high heavens and screamed when someone poked my sides and screamed Boo behind me. After landing back on Earth I felt arms go around my waist and a kiss on my temple.

"I was just going to say the one that's about to scare you, but you wouldn't listen to me," Lily said suppressing a laugh.

"Grounded when you come home," I said pointing at her.

"WHAT DID I DO?"

"You didn't warn me that's what you did."

"But you wouldn't let me-"

"Your not grounded Lily," my husband said behind me.

"Dad says I'm not grounded," she mocked before calling for her brother.

"Well I created you and I say you are so there..."

"WELL HE RAISED ME!"

"Okay enough!" the voice of reason behind me spoke again, "You're not grounded now hurry up and get to the bus before you miss it," he bent down to kiss her before high fiving the five year old that appeared next to her a minute ago.

"Good luck with your pen pal," I shouted as they were walking out the door.

"Whoa! You're getting pen pals today? I had a pen pal when I was your age...I had one for a couple of years before your age actually. Pen pals are so exciting! Aren't you so excited?"

I watched her put her hand on her hip and sigh in annoyance. "Do you want me to stay here and chit chat about stupid pen pals, or do you want me to get on the bus?"

"Okay see, that right there," he said making a circle in the air around her body, "Now you're grounded."

Her jaw hit the ground, "But...MOM!"

"Don't but Mom munchkin, she grounded you 5 minutes ago. I was the only one you had on your side. Have a good day at school! I'll make sure I disconnect the cable in your room before you get home!"

"UGH! You guys are so unfair!" she stormed off to the bus. Just a typical Tuesday morning.

***

I remember the day I got my first pen pal letter like it was yesterday. We were in Mrs. Green's third grade class and I was sitting next to Lauren who was not only my best friend, but also my neighbor, reading circle partner, and most importantly my person. The year was 1989 and if my memory serves me correctly I definitely had neon green scrunch socks on and my hair was in a ponytail on the top of my head reminiscent of my idol...Debbie Gibson.

1989

Lauren got her letter first. Her pen pal Jenny lived in Los Angeles and went to school right in the heart of Hollywood. In the letter she told stories about going to the premiere of the latest animated flick, and about how the gate that led up to her sprawling mansion broke last week...oh the horror.

Mrs. Green was reading off everyone's names, who their pen pal was and where they were from out loud to the class. I sat on the edge of my seat waiting to hear my name called out and see where this girl was from. I had so much to say, so much to tell her, so many songs to discuss. For a second I think the teacher forgot I even existed because everyone had his or her letter except me. I raised my hand to inform her of this when she clearly realized it on her own. "Oh Sophie I almost forgot about you! Here's your letter sweetheart. Your pen pal is from Tennessee, his name is Justin!"

She put the letter on my desk and I stared at it. First of all, Tennessee? Everyone else had someone from LA, New York, Boston and big cities like that, and I got someone from Tennessee? And second of all, the last time I checked Justin was a boy's name, and I clearly did not have a penis. Not to mention, boys had cooties.

"Excuse me Mrs. Green I think you gave me the wrong letter," I said raising my hand. "This is from a boy."

"I know Sophie, but we had one extra girl and they sent an extra boy letter. I know that you are mature enough to handle being pen pals with a boy. Plus...you love sports!"

"Eww..." Lauren leaned over to whisper in my ear, "I bet he has so many cooties."

"I don't even want to read this," I replied pushing the letter to the top of my desk, "This is so unfair."

"Just read it, maybe Justin is short for something like...Justine!"

I pulled the letter back in front of me opening the envelope with my pointer finger, and the minute I unfolded the pieces of lined yellow paper I knew Lauren was wrong. Only a boy can write this messy. Looking around I saw all of my classmates already hard at work on a reply, so I gave in with a sigh and decided to try to decipher my letter. He talked about his best friend Trace, and how they go to the lake together. Then he said something about loving to sing. It took me about 10 minutes to actually make the sentence about his grandmother's peach cobbler make sense, and he spoke a lot about his "Mama." And when I say a lot...I mean too much.

"Great...he's gay," I whispered to Lauren, "He loves music, likes to spend time with his Granny and talks way too much about his mother. Didn't say one thing about sports...why me?"

"I don't even know what gay means," I watched her pencil going a mile a minute writing back to her pen pal. I have to teach this girl everything.

"It means he likes boys Lauren! And it means he doesn't like sports, and he likes to wear dresses!" was my uneducated and ignorant eight year old response.

"You like to wear dresses...Why don't you tell him about the new one you bought over the weekend."

I rolled my eyes at her while pulling out a piece of paper from my desk. I was not about to tell this boy who was crawling in cooties about my dress, or about anything for that matter. This would be a quick, easy and final letter to write.

Dear Pen Pal,

My name is Sophia, but people call me Sophie. I'm from Las Vegas and I think that you have cooties, and I also think that you are gay. It's okay to be gay but I'd like a pen pal that doesn't have cooties. Can you please have one of your girlfriends write me back?

Thanks,

Sophie

I folded the piece of paper in threes and placed it in the blank envelope Mrs. Green put on my desk. I walked up to her desk and handed her the letter after writing the address down. "All set Sophie?"

"Yep."

"See...I knew you could be pen pals with a boy."

I didn't say anything. I just nodded and walked back to my seat. Pen pals with a boy...HA. Thank goodness I knew how to take matters into my own hands.

It was pen pal day at school 7 days after my plea letter went out to this Justin character. Yet again, I was last to get my letter so I made sure to read Lauren's before I got a chance to finally meet the pen pal that was originally meant for me. "This is going to freak your freak Sophie, you are absolutely going to DIE!" Lauren said sliding the letter across her desk onto mine. I quickly picked up the letter and the first thing I noticed was her perfect penmanship, and how her lower case letters went precisely to the top of the dotted line on the yellow paper, and her upper case letters just hit the bottom of the top line. This is how normal people write, not like that crazy, cootie filled kid that wrote to me.

I began reading about this girl's life after school every day. Her nanny picked her up and she usually went straight into her luxurious pool before walking steps to the beach. She'd then go back to her office to do her homework before reporting to dinner that one of her four personal chef's prepared for her. While I knew this lifestyle probably impressed Lauren, I thought it was a little over the top so I rolled my eyes at her after the second paragraph about the car her father has already bought her for when she gets her license in 8 years. "Just keep reading!"

Cars...Limo's...Hollywood...Princess bed...Debbie Gibson...more cars...wait Debbie Gibson? My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I re-read the line that said 'Debbie Gibson came to my house for dinner last night,' over and over and over again. "Does that say? Did she seriously? Debbie Gibson?!" I nearly screamed, and I watched Lauren put her finger over her lips to keep me from getting in trouble for yelling. "Lauren, she knows Debbie Gibson! We have to meet this girl...We have to get to LA ASAP!"

"How are we going to get to LA? It's not like we can drive..."

"She can send one of her drivers duh! Quick write back and tell her we want to come visit. Maybe she'll send a private jet for-"

"Sophie here's your letter sweetie," Mrs. Green placed the envelope addressed to me on my desk. After just reading the best news of my life there was no doubt in my mind that my new pen pal was going to be amazing. So amazing that maybe...just maybe she could come meet Debbie Gibson with us. I threw Lauren's letter back on her desk and ripped the flap of the envelope open as fast as possible. I could feel my heart racing with excitement as I quickly unfolded my letter, closing my eyes before I read the letter that I should have received last week. When I opened my eyes and was met with the same illegible, unintelligent, crappy boy writing that I saw last week I wanted to cry. I sunk down in my chair slamming the letter on my desk.

"This is so stupid. What have I done to deserve this?"

"Did he write back?" Lauren asked. I looked up nodding at her with tears stinging at my eyes. "It's okay Sophie, we can share a pen pal if you want," she said reaching for my letter and reading it. My 8-year old self sat in my chair willing tears not to fall from my eyes. Everyone had such a cool pen pal and I was stuck with this kid. Why couldn't I get the girl that knows Debbie Gibson? "Looks like you two have a lot in common," my best friend said beside me, "He doesn't want to be your pen pal either." She slid the note back onto my desk. Curious as to what she was talking about, and why someone wouldn't want to be pen pals with me, I picked it up and read it to myself.

Dear Pen Pal,

Trust me, I begged my teacher to give me a different pen pal but she told me I was stuck with you. Before you even wrote to me I wanted someone different and after the letter you sent back to me I could do without ever speaking to you again but my teacher is insisting that I write back.

First of all, I do not have cooties. I shower every day and I can assure you that there are no bugs crawling on my body when I step in or out of the shower. If you'd like more proof I could have my girlfriend Leslie write you a letter. She sits next to me in music class and I'm going to ask her to write you something that I can stick in my next letter. Which reminds me, I'll also make sure she tells you that I'm not gay. 

Since we're going to have to deal with each other for the rest of this school year I guess I'll just keep writing what my teacher tells me to about myself and hope that one day you'll stop making fun of me in your letters back. Anyway, I heard Las Vegas was fun for grown up's but not for kids. What do you even do there?

Last night I went to go see the new Tom Cruise movie with my father. My mom and step dad told me I couldn't see it, so obviously I asked my dad to take me and since he feels bad that he rarely sees me he took me anyway. It was pretty good, but I would have rather been at a basketball game or a concert. Do you like sports? I know you think it makes me gay, but I really love music and singing. I've been taking voice lessons for a couple of years now and I'm trying to get my mother to take me on a couple of auditions.

Well, I don't really know what else to say, and my friend Trace wants to talk about last night's football game and I'd much rather be doing that then writing to you. So, I hope you can deal with me being your pen pal for the rest of the year.

Your pen pal (At least for now)

-Justin

Tom Cruise movies? Sports? Now we're talking. Maybe this kid won't be half as bad as I thought he would be. Not to mention the attitude that he's giving me via a pen pal letter makes me think we could actually get along. People say I act older then I really am and that I'm "sassy," so I can see us having some good times making fun of people together. The whole singing and dancing thing has to go though. He may say he has a girlfriend, but I don't believe it for a second. Though I would love a letter from someone letting me know that he is cootie free.

"Not so bad huh?" Lauren asked not taking her eyes off of her return letter to Miss Priss in LA.

"Eh...I guess I could live with it for a few months. Are you making arrangements for our trip to meet Debbie Gibson?"

"Working on it."

With that I started on my return letter to my pen pal in Hicksville. I'm going to meet Debbie Gibson soon so I guess I should just make the best of this situation since there was really no way out.

Dear Pen Pal,

This could be the start of a great school year long friendship...

***

After I graduated from college and got my first job I complained daily about how my life turned into a routine. I'd get up, go to work, hit the gym, come home to cook and eat dinner then shower and prepare to do it all over again the next day. What I didn't realize at the time was that those were my glory days. Now nine years later, two kids, an ex-husband, and husband number two I would do anything and everything to have a routine. I looked up from the chopping board in front of me where I was cutting vegetables to put in the salad for dinner tonight when I heard the back door close.

"Hey Lil how was school?"

"It was school...And it would have been nice if someone told me that Tyler came home early and I didn't have to wait for him to get on the bus."

I hit my head with the palm of my hand, "Oh I'm so sorry, I was supposed to tell your teacher when I picked him up but he was so sick I totally forgot."

"Well thanks to you I got yelled at by the bus driver!"

"I'm sorry okay? I'll talk to the bus driver in the morning and tell him it was my fault. To make it up to you I'll only make you stay in your room until dinner instead of the whole night, how about that?"

"How about you don't make me stay in my room at all..."

"Nice try. Get upstairs and don't stomp your feet or slam doors because your brother is sleeping up there." She stomped off with a huff, completely disregarding my request to not make noise so I decided to add onto her frustration, "And don't worry Dad unhooked your cable before he went to work so you can get all your homework done before dinner!"

"Ugh! You guys suck!"

"Watch your mouth sunshine or else you'll be up there for the rest of the week." It was times like these when my first born suddenly turned into a tween and hated her parents that I wished for that routine back. Not even the routine of my first job, but just the routine of her being a baby and me being her person. I pushed the cucumbers into the salad bowl and put it in the fridge before wiping the sweat off of my forehead with the sleeve of my shirt.

I could still hear her mumbling under her breath upstairs when I walked past her room into my office. Unlike some people these days I was lucky enough to land my dream job right out of college. It helped that I decided to attend school in LA and not in Vegas since I'm pretty sure I'd be flipping burgers if I decided to continue my education there. I was also lucky in the sense that I got a really great internship my senior year as a Jr. Journalist for Rolling Stone Magazine, and extra lucky that they liked me enough to hire me. The luck continued when I had my first child and they granted me permission to work most days from home. I was in the process of finishing up an article when I got a call this afternoon about my son throwing up multiple times all over his classroom, so between picking him up from school and getting him to bed, starting to make dinner, and dealing with an irate 10 year old it was nearly impossible for me to finish before my 5:00 deadline. If this had been 9 years ago, or even 5 years ago this would be a breeze since I enjoyed what I was writing about, but these days writing about the Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber really made me want to poke my eyes out with extra sharp razor blades.

Somehow I managed to get lost in my work and actually edit the article faster then I ever have since I popped out my last child. I realized that I should probably punish Lily everyday and if I could get Ty down for a nap when he gets home from school silence would fill the house and work could actually get done. I had one paragraph left to go when a knock on my office door made me jump out of my seat.

"Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm home."

"Hi," I replied looking at the clock on my desk, 4:45. "I'll be done in like 15 minutes and then I'll finish up dinner okay?"

"Sounds good, but um...Why is it so quiet in here?" he questioned softly walking closer to my desk.

"I had to pick Ty up from school because he was sick so he's still sleeping, and Lily is in her room hating her life."

"So maybe we have time for a little hanky panky before dinner?" he winked.

"I really need to finish this article J. I'm sorry..."

His smile turned into a frown and a look of disappointment appeared on his face, "It's okay...Do you want me to start dinner?"

"No, it's basically done I just need to throw the potatoes in the oven...but you can help by telling Lily that her father was arrested again last night so she won't be spending the weekend with him again."

He sucked in a breath knowing that this was only going to lead to even more disaster. Unfortunately for Lily her father was arrested frequently and even though his ass should be locked up he keeps getting bailed out because his new wife has connections. But every time it happens he bails on Lily for about a month before he decides he wants to get his act together and start being a father again, only to turn around a couple of weeks later and be a fuck up again. "Why don't we deal with that one together after dinner," he said kissing me on my forehead. "Love you Smurfette..."

"I love you too Yogi."

"So... I was thinking that since your mom hasn't really been able to get too much work done lately and Ty and I are going to go to the beach this weekend you should probably come with us Lil. What do you think?"

Here it comes, I thought to myself as his voice trailed off. First there will just be an attitude and in a couple of hours it'll be screaming and crying and her thinking she's done something wrong. In reality this is my fault. I'm the one that had unprotected sex at the ripe age of 19, got pregnant and decided to make an honest woman out of myself and marry the guy before I even knew how many siblings he had or what his parents names were even though everyone around me told me not to. Her tears are usually followed closely with my own for putting her through this once she's out of sight.

"Really? I love the beach...can we drive down to Newport?"

"We can go anywhere you want," he said squeezing my knee under the table as both of us let out a sigh of relief realizing she had forgotten about her plans with her father this weekend.

The conversation ended. We were back to silence and for that I was so grateful. I looked up smiling at the man next to me, the man that always found a way to make every blow lighter then it would have been without him, the one with all the answers. He winked at me reaching across the table to pass me the salad and I let my hand lightly brush against his as the bowl was exchanged between the two of us. It was a silent thank you, not visible to the naked eye, but he knew.

"Oh!" Lily spoke across from me and my heart began to sink knowing that she remembered, "I have plans with Daddy this weekend, but can we go to the beach next week?"

"I don't think your dad is going to be able to make it this weekend munchkin. And I'm pretty sure the beach and some shopping is calling your name..."

"Oh he'll make it this weekend...We got tickets to the Dodgers game, and he said we could get a hotdog and everything."

I looked up at the smile she had on her face. He was letting her down...again. I then looked to my right and saw the look of defeat on his face. It was my turn to be the bad guy...I'm always the bad guy. "Lily I talked to your dad today and he told me he has to postpone the game...he can't make it," I said watching her eyes fill up with tears as each word came out of my mouth. She didn't say anything in response just looked down at the chicken on her plate before picking up her knife and continuing to eat. "But it's okay because now you can go to the beach with Ty and Dad..."

"Yeah Lily we can build sandcastles at the beach and bury Dad's feet like we did last time," my five year old who was always looking to comfort someone said while putting his hand on her arm. "We'll have fun!"

"Maybe," was her defeated response before throwing her fork down on her plate, "May I be excused?"

"Sure," I replied watching her throw her chair back and walk upstairs to her room. My ears were soon met with the slamming of her bedroom door, and I sat waiting for the screaming to start.

Feeling a kiss on my cheek I looked up, "I'll go handle her Soph. You get this guy ready for bed," he said tickling his son. I nodded and got up scrapping the food that I was no longer hungry for into the garbage as I watched him walk up the steps.

"Alright buddy lets get you washed up and ready for bed..."

***

You always hear about guilt. There are all different kinds. Catholic guilt, Jewish guilt, Wife guilt...But right now as I lie in my bed half asleep all I could feel was Mother's guilt. Knowing that your child is upset over something that was your fault, and you not being able to do anything about it felt like a knife going in and out of your chest over and over again. I failed her as a mother. I broke the promise I made to her when she was just a few minutes old. I promised her that I'd never let anyone hurt her because in my head that one time her father hit me would never happen again because he was a Dad now and every thing was going to change. In my head we'd live happily ever after, and as a family pain, and hurt wouldn't be able to get us if we all just stuck together. I broke the promise the day I said I forgive you to her father and allowed him in her life, and I will forever regret those words coming out of my mouth, and I will forever feel guilty of hurting her even if I wasn't the one that bailed on her.

As exhausted as I was I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. I'd lay awake all night thinking of all the things I should have done in my life to avoid the tears and screams that were coming out of her mouth right now. I'd beat myself up about not knowing the right way to deal with the situation, and needing my husband to fix something that I broke. Deep down I know it's not all my fault but there's no telling yourself that and actually believing it when your flesh and blood, a person that you love more then you could ever love yourself hates your guts and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

So instead of sleeping I pretend to be asleep when he comes in the room kissing my forehead before slipping under to covers next to me. I'm sure he knows I'm faking but he knows me well enough to realize I don't want to talk about it because if we do I'll lose it too and I need to stay strong, not just for me but for my kids. After a few minutes I can feel his breath steady on my neck and I know he's sleeping. I open my eyes and rub my thumb over his hand wishing that everything in my life could be this perfect when I hear my bedroom door open with a squeak. Quickly my eyes are closed again as the padding of little feet make their way over to the bed.

"Mom?" It was Lily...I really should open my eyes and be a responsible adult about this but it all of a sudden felt like there were bricks holding my eyelids down. "Mom?" It was louder this time and I felt him wake up behind me. He'd talk to her...He knows how to fix this better then I do anyway, so I kept my eyes closed cursing myself for not knowing what to do or say.

"What's up Lil?" he crocked out sleepily.

"I need to talk to Mom."

"Mom's had a pretty rough day...Come on," he said patting the bed, "Come sit up here and talk to me." I felt the bed shift as she made her way up before I got kicked in the back with a foot. She settled in between us and I felt his hand go to my back rubbing where it got kicked at the same time letting me know he knew I was awake. "What's up munchkin?"

"Why doesn't my dad love me?" Remember that knife from before stabbing me over and over again?  Well it's back...stabbing me even harder this time.

"He does love you. I think that he's just not really sure how to show you that sometimes. But I know that he does..."

"How do you know?"

"You know how your Mom and Dad got divorced?" he asked, and I assumed she nodded her response when he continued without her speaking, "Well my Mom and Dad got divorced too when I was really young. I'd see my Dad every so often, maybe two or three times a year until my Mom got remarried just like your Mom did. But after my Mom got remarried, I never saw my Dad anymore even though I always tried to reach out to him. He kind of just dropped me like an old piece of trash or something. See the difference between my Dad and your Dad is that you still see and talk to yours and I haven't had any contact with mine since I was about 8 years old. I know your Dad loves you because he's told me, and because I see how happy he gets when he sees you. I think that there's other stuff going on in his life that sometimes makes him a little confused, but he always comes back around right?"

"I guess...but I wish he was always around like you're always around for Tyler, because it's not fair that he gets to have a Mom and Dad all the time and I only get to have a Mom and Dad sometimes."

I felt her body move from leaning against mine and heard him pick her up and kiss her cheek. "You always have me kid. I know I'm not your biological Dad but I love you and care about you just as much as I love and care about Mom and Ty. So technically he should actually be jealous of you because you have two Dad's and a Mom and he only has one of each..."

"Why do you love me as much if I'm not really yours?"

"You are really mine Lily. I've been around since before you even remember. I changed your poopy diapers, and you spit up all over me. Just because my blood doesn't run through you doesn't make you any less mine. I took care of you just like I took care of Ty. I love you and you're just going to have to deal with it whether you like it or not." I rolled over opening my eyes to a squint to watch him tickle her, loud laughter filling the room. "And your Mom loves you too. So much. It kills her to see you upset when he does this to you. So don't you ever doubt that she loves you less then anyone else. She'd do anything for you."

She wiggled out of his grasp settling between us again as instinct took over and I wrapped my arm around her kissing the back of her head. "Can I sleep with you guys tonight?" she asked, her voice chipper letting me know that their talk helped pick up her mood.

"Are you going to steal all the blankets and kick me off the bed?"

"Daaaaad," she drew out his name trying to make her laughter subside. A soft chuckle came from his side of the bed as I felt Lily settle her back on me and his arm go around the both of us. Maybe I will get some sleep after all tonight. "Hey Dad?"

"Mmhm?"

"Can we still go to the beach?"

"Yeah Lil, we'll go to the beach," he replied his voice drowning out with sleep.

I felt sleep taking over my body when she spoke a few minutes later, "Dad?"

"What Lily?" His voice was a bit rough this time, annoyed that she kept waking him up and probably hoping that this didn't happen all night.

"I love you..."

A smile was instantly plastered on my face as I felt him pull her into a hug and kiss her cheek. It wasn't every day that your 10 year old told you they loved you. It was mostly I hate you's and I wish you didn't exist's, and even though she said it to him and not me I knew she meant it for both of us and that lifted about 100 pounds off of my shoulders. "I love you too munchkin."

***

"I can't believe she's been lying to me the whole time!" It was the last day of school, which meant we were getting our last pen pal letters today. Lauren got hers first and both of us were applauded when her pen pal came clean about the fact that she didn't already have a car, nor did she know Debbie Gibson. This girl was a huge fraud...sure she lived in California but she didn't mention she lived in a shack in East LA. Mrs. Green told us this morning that if we wanted them, she'd give us our pen pal's addresses so that we could keep in touch over the summer, but I don't think Lauren will be taking hers.

"She strung us along for so long," I said waiting impatiently for my letter, "What a bitch!"

"SOPHIE!" Had I known Mrs. Green was right in front of me I probably wouldn't have said bitch, but lets face it...This girl lying for the last nine months pretty much made her a huge bitch. "If I hear that again you're going to the principal!"

"Sorry," I said reaching up for my letter and ripping it open as fast as possible.

Dear Pen Pal,

Can you believe the school year is over? Things are going to be pretty crazy for me this summer. Remember when I told you I went down to Florida with my mom? Well I auditioned for something down there and they chose me for it, so I'm going to be living there for the whole summer this year. I'm excited to get out of Tennessee but I'll probably miss my family and friends a lot. My teacher told us that if we wanted to keep in touch we should give her our address so I gave her the one in Orlando and the one in Millington if you want to still write over the summer.

Did Lauren's pen pal ever figure out a way for you to meet Debbie Gibson? I still think she's lying by the way...who really has a car before they can even drive? Oh and I forgot to ask you last time if Lauren really ended up quitting baseball and doing gymnastics. That would totally suck if she did because she's suppose to be your best friend and best friends don't leave you hanging.

Did your mom and dad get you that bike you asked for for your birthday? It sounded really cool, and I bet if you practiced you could do tricks on it too. Trace has a bike that he rides all the time and he can do jumps and stuff with it. I want to learn how to do that too, but basketball takes up a lot of my time.

Well, I hope we can write over the summer because even though we hated each other at first I've kind of grown to like getting your letters. But if you don't want to, have a good summer and maybe we'll be pen pals next year too.

JT

"Mrs. Green can I have my pen pal's address?" I yelled it out without raising my hand less then a second after I finished reading the letter.

"Sure Sophie, here you go I think your pen pal has two addresses."

"One is in Florida and one is in Tennessee," I said enthused, "He's spending the summer in Orlando."

"That's great! I'm glad you were able to be pen pals even though he's a boy," she smiled walking over to Lauren, "Would you like your pen pal's address?"

"NO!" she screamed, "She lied to me this whole time...so unfair!"

"I'm sorry sweetheart, maybe next year you'll get a better one."

Lauren went off on a rampage about her pen pal but I didn't really catch most of it since I was too busy writing my first summer letter to Justin. Turns out he wasn't half as bad as I expected him to be; in fact he wasn't bad at all. We had a lot in common and always had something to talk about, and about 4 weeks in I actually started to look forward to getting his letter. Somehow he even got me into music more then I already was, and I asked my mom and dad if I could take guitar lessons this summer and they said I could. It's kind of cool to be able to tell someone that you don't even really know in real life about stuff that you don't feel comfortable telling your parents too. Some things I don't even tell Lauren anymore because she's kind of drifting off to the Girly Girl side, but I guess it's not bothering me as much as it would if I couldn't talk to Justin. If that's not a statement I never thought I'd say...I don't know what is. 

From as far back as I can remember I've compared my life to a game of Monopoly. Normal people compared it to the game of Life, but I think we've all concluded that there is nothing normal about me. Today started out as a St. James Place kind of day. Not too good, but not too bad. He took the kids to the beach so that I could get some "work" done. I say work lightly because there's always a bigger reason behind the things he does rather then just work. It was nice to have a quiet house, no kids running around, no chores to do, just me, my notes and my computer. I was this close to landing on free parking. But it gets hard after a while to keep forcing your brain to think solely about work and not about the date sitting on the calendar, popping out at you every time you look to the bottom right hand side of the computer screen or on the gigantic desk calendar sitting right in eye view when you look down at your notes. 

***

1995

At 14 most girls, well...most kids don't really enjoy their parents. But not me. I was Daddy's little princess. Always have been and it was something that even in my early teens I knew was really special and I cherished it. So every morning before I went off to school I'd sit at the kitchen table and eat breakfast with my Dad. He'd read the sports section of the daily newspaper to me while I ate my cheerio's and banana making comments here and there about the current world of sports.

I took the stairs two at a time this morning with it being the day after the World Series and all and noticed my Dad wasn't perched at the table with my breakfast ready to go. It didn't happen often, but there were days that he'd sleep through his alarm or hit snooze one too many times, so I didn't really think too much of it. I ran to the front door to grab the newspaper and set it on the table next to my bowl of cereal that I made myself. After I finished I washed my dish putting it back in the cabinet like it was never touched and made my way to the school bus.

It was a normal day at school for me. Classes galore, lunch with my girls, a free period spent playing solitaire on the computer in the library and a boring bus ride home. I was met with some shock however when I turned the corner to my street and saw fire trucks, police cars and ambulances in front of my house. Most people would drop everything and run, but me...I just stood there knowing deep down what had happened but hoping if I didn't see anything it wouldn't actually be true. Finally after about an hour of standing on the corner, after I watched him being wheeled out covered by a crisp white sheet, after all of the lights stopped flashing and the trucks were no longer there, my mother met me and walked with me silently into my house.

I knew what had happened. No one needed to explain it. We all knew it would happen it was just a matter of when. I layed on my bed thinking about how I could have stopped it. How instead of walking away when I saw him about to get high in the bathroom I should have yelled at him...or begged him to stop for me. For us. For our relationship. If anyone could have stopped him it was me. I was his princess, and the only person walking the earth that he'd do anything for. But I let him do it because I was scared that if I yelled at him I wouldn't be his little girl anymore, and now he's dead, and it's all my fault.

Two days had past before I spoke anything of significance to my mother. We were never close really. I mean sure I loved her and we spoke but we weren't half as close as my dad and me. She wasn't good with feelings, and to be honest neither was I, so when she came in my room and sat on the edge of my bed looking like she wanted to chat I nearly passed out.

"Grandma and Grandpa are staying here tonight, and we'll leave first thing in the morning for the funeral okay?"

"So we're just going to skip the whole look at a dead body in a casket thing?" I asked hoping she'd say yes. Praying that I wouldn't have to see my father's lifeless body lying in a hunk of metal that probably cost more money then I'll ever see in my life.

She cleared her throat looking down at her hands. "We're not having a wake, your dad didn't want one."

"Good."

"Sophie do you...Are you okay? Do you want to talk?" I shook my head. Of course I wanted to talk, but not to her, nothing would come of that. She'd start crying and I'd have to console her. That was the last thing I wanted to do. "It's just that...You haven't said much. I haven't even seen you cry..."

"I'm not an idiot Mom," I replied in a tone that was probably a little too harsh for the circumstances, "We all knew he was doing drugs. Hell he was probably lying dead next to a needle. I knew it was going to happen, what's left to talk about really? Do you want to lecture me about how doing drugs is bad and could kill you? Because I think I know that first hand..."

She stood up abruptly, probably not expecting such an outburst from me. "This came for you today," she said handing me an envelope with a familiar scroll on it before walking out and closing my bedroom door behind her.

I was expecting the letter, but at this point I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to read it, so I sat on my bed contemplating even opening the envelope. I fell asleep clinging to the envelope like it was an actual person begging for someone to hold me back. When I woke up three hours later I didn't even think, I just ripped it open and started reading hoping to go into a world where reality didn't exist.

Dear Pen Pal,

You know I was thinking, we've been writing to each other for like 6 years and still call each other pen pal. We should probably cut the shit with that and just stick to our normal names. Anyway, sorry it took so long to get back to you. I was away for a couple of weeks and then when I got back things got a little crazy, all the while my dad has been on my ass about catching up on my schoolwork and he hasn't let me do anything besides that for the past two weeks. He is such a pain in my ass sometimes.

How's school going for you? Is sophomore year better then freshman year was so far? Any new boyfriends or do you still think that all people of the opposite gender have cooties? Oh, I went to the Aerosmith concert the other day...Seriously Soph, best night of my life. I had awesome seats and caught a guitar pick from Joe Perry. If they come to Vegas you have to go...I'm telling you just trust me, and go. I bet your Dad would take you since he's into music and stuff too. It could be like a father daughter date or something.

Look sorry to cut this short but my Dad is taking me golfing today but I have to clean my room first and if I don't get on it soon I'm going to miss my tee time. I know it's short and all but I wanted to get this out to you since it's been so long anyway. But I got a computer with AOL so if you want to E-Mail me you can jlake131@aol.com. If not just write me back. Talk to you soon.

Justin

I got off of my bed faster then I ever have before and sat down at the computer in the corner of my bedroom. I closed my eyes and waited for AOL to connect and shot up once I heard "Welcome, you've got mail!" I pulled up a blank E-Mail and started typing. To be honest I didn't know what I was writing. I just typed. I typed it all because I knew that somehow, someway he's become my person. I could yell at him, and get mad at him, and tell him every single thing that I felt and he wouldn't get mad. He'd still be my pen pal...he'd still be Justin, and unlike everyone else in my life he'd try his best to understand and be there for me no questions asked.

Justin,

You're right...this whole dear pen pal thing is dumb. You know what else is dumb? The fact that you're calling your father a pain in the ass. You should be happy he's making you do things and is actually taking part in your life, because not all fathers do that. Some father's they make you think they're involved...they even eat breakfast with you everyday and read the sports section to you, and make you THINK they care but in reality they don't. Instead they do things with you until you get your own ass on the bus to go to school and then they shoot fucking heroin in the bathroom. Then when the heroin wears off, they snort cocaine and top off the day with a joint. THAT is what some fathers do...THAT is a father that's a pain in the ass. Because everyday you go to school wondering if you're going to come home and your father is going to be dead. Whenever you hear an ambulance you wonder if today is the day. How is that for a pain in the ass huh? Then one day your going to come home from school and watch them take your dad out of your house covered in a sheet because he's dead, and then you'll wish that your dad actually cared if your schoolwork got done or if your room was clean. You'll see then that it's more then eating breakfast and reading the sports section and being his princess that makes him a father. You'll see that he probably wasn't a father at all.

My father is dead Justin. DEAD. And you're sitting here complaining because you need to clean your room. Well guess what...I'd kill to hear him tell me to clean my room, or to do my homework, or anything but I'll never hear that because I'll never hear his voice again. So if I were you I'd be thanking my lucky stars that I actually have a father that I can see, and touch and talk to okay?

And my mother...My fucking mother...I don't want to talk, she keeps asking me if I want to and I don't! I don't want to talk to her because she'll cry and I'll be the one to console her and guess what...YOU'RE MY MOTHER! You should be consoling me. All I want from her...all I want from anyone is a fucking hug. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay and actually make it be okay. I know he's not coming back I get it...I'm 14, not 5 but he's the only one that told me it would be okay when something went wrong and now he's not hear to fix it. My father died two days ago and his funeral is tomorrow. My father overdosed on drugs and died, and guess what, we didn't even need to do an autopsy because we all knew what happened. We all knew he did drugs and none of us did anything about it because we were too scared he'd hate us. And now I'm alone, and I'll admit...I'm scared shitless.

By the way, this is my E-Mail address the one that this E-Mail came from...I hope you had fun golfing.

Sophia

***

"MOM WE'RE HOME!"

I snapped out of the daze I've been in for most of the day and ran my thumb over the date on the calendar. It's been 15 years since he's died. He's officially been gone for more then half my life. How is it that I still wished to hear him tell me everything would be okay? "I'm in my office," I yelled back before hearing feet pitter-patter up the steps.

"Mom, you missed such a good time you totally should have come...Me and Ty buried Dad's feet and then we went in the water with our boogie boards. The waves were so big I thought they were going to eat us-"

"And then," Tyler interrupted, "Then I asked Daddy and Lily to bury my feet, but instead they just buried me and all that was left sticking out was my head and I think I even had sand in my pants. It was so fun and I wish you saw me buried!"

"That sounds awesome you guys," I replied kissing each of there foreheads, "why don't you go get ready for a shower and you can tell me all about it after okay?"

They started running out the door and I watched as Tyler stopped halfway in the hallway and halfway in my office, "Will you come next time Mommy? It wasn't as fun without you..."

"Anything for you baby," I replied with a smile and watched him turn to catch up with his sister.

***

Soph,

I don't think anything I can say will help, but I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. You never mentioned any of the bad stuff before so I had no idea. I can't tell you I know how you feel because I don't but I can only imagine what you must be going through. If you ever want to talk or vent or anything I want you to know that I'm here for you. Since I got AOL I check my E-Mail's constantly so I promise I will get back to you the second I have a minute to.

I know you feel like you don't have anyone right now but you've got me...Who would of thought that one day we'd be at this point huh? The first letter I got from you, you called me gay and said you never wanted to talk to me again and now all I really want to do is be able to give you a hug and make it all better for you. I know it doesn't seem like it now Soph, now that your life seems to be in shambles, but it will be okay. One day, it'll all be okay and that's a promise I intend to keep.

Tomorrow is going to be really hard but just know that I'll be thinking of you all day and sending good vibes your way. And if I know anything about you from writing for so long, I know that you put on a tough act but I want you to know it's okay to cry. And I also want you to know that this wasn't your fault.

Anything I can do Soph seriously please let me know and I'll do it okay? I'm so sorry...

Justin

"Do you love me?" I was cuddled under the blankets on the couch after putting the kids to bed watching a Lifetime movie that I've seen about 80 times when the tall figure that is my husband stood in front of the TV with his hands behind his back and a smirk on his face.

"I'd love you more if you got out of the way. John Stamos is about to kill the babysitter!"

"Okay then...I guess I'll just eat this by myself then," he pulled out a Friendly's Watermelon Roll and two forks from behind his back, lifted my feet from the end of the couch and sat down placing my legs on top of his lap.

I looked over my shoulder knowing I shouldn't give in at this game that he loved to play. I could be strong and say no to my favorite ice cream ever created and pretend like I don't care about it. Really, I should just lie here and be miserable like I have been for pretty much the whole day and not put a smile on my face and devour the watermelon sherbet with the chocolate chips and lemon on the top...I should stay at Baltic Ave and not even think about Park Place. But if I say no half of it will melt because lets be honest, he can't eat the whole thing by himself and that would just be a waste. "Maybe just a bite," I said pushing myself up to sit next to him. I reached for the extra fork and he pulled it away trying his best to not let out a laugh. "Come on...don't do this. You can't tell me you brought it to share and then keep it from me. This is cruel and unusual punishment!"

"Do you love me?" He asked again holding the fork out over the arm of the couch so that I couldn't reach it.

"You know I love you..."

"More then you love watching John Stamos kill the babysitter?"

"It's such a departure from his roll on Full House!" He narrowed his eyes at me stretching his arm out even further, "Fiiiine...I love you more then I love John Stamos killing the babysitter."

"Do you love me more then this Watermelon Roll that's melting in my lap?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. If he wants to play this game, well then I can play along, "What if I said no?"

"Well then I guess half of this delicious log will just continue to melt on my lap..."

"Which log?" I asked with a smirk.

"Oh, you're going to go there huh? Okay, which log would you rather...The one made of ice cream or the one made of 100% man?"

"Depends on the circumstances...If you're talking about right now well I think I could go for a little bit of both."

"Oh really?" he asked bringing his hand to rest on my back smiling against my lips.

"Mmmm," I wrapped one arm around his neck and reached for the fork that was now pushed up against my back with the other. Once I safely got it out of his hand I backed away jumping up on the sofa with the fork in my hand in excitement.

"You are such a bitch," he said trying to hold back a smile after looking up at what must have been the dumbest expression on my face ever.

I plopped down next to him on the couch digging into the ice cream, "Not a bitch," I said with a mouth full of cold deliciousness, "Smart."

He placed a kiss on my cheek pushing my fork away with his own so that he could dig in and take a bite, "I learn something new about you everyday," he mumbled with his mouth full of ice cream.

"What'd you learn today?"

"That you would do anything for Watermelon Roll, but not for John Stamos..."

"Eh, John Stamos is kind of past his prime. But Watermelon Roll...That's timeless." 

"You are pathetic, but I love you," he replied folding up the now empty piece of cardboard that once held a log of heaven. "How was your kid free day? Get some work done?"

"I finished an article...Thanks for taking them today babe, I hate for them to see me upset and no matter how long it's been I can't help but remember the day and get sad." He placed a kiss on the top of my head that was now leaning on his chest, "But it does make me happy to see my kids come home happy after spending a day with their dad. I said from day one that I didn't want my children to go through what I had to and I'm so thankful to have found you because now I know they won't."

"Soph-"

"Just take the compliment okay?" I said cutting him off.

"Okay," he whispered. I sat up looking him in the eyes. In just a few minutes he managed to turn my Baltic Ave night into Boardwalk by just spending some time with me. It's something so small, but it means so much when you don't get to do it too often. I quickly kissed him getting up off of the couch. "Where are you going?"

"Upstairs to play with your melting log," I replied turning around giving him my best sultry look.

He stood up and walked into the kitchen to throw away the cardboard box and follow me up the steps, "You know...You have a really filthy mouth."

"You love it!"

"I do," he laughed slapping my ass and running after me up the stairs.

***

1999

Justin,

The fact that I just turned 18 is totally freaking me out. I don't know how I got here or how high school went by so fast. I asked my mom for a car for my birthday and instead she got me a bus pass. She says traffic in LA is awful anyway so it'll be easier to take the bus. My dad would have gotten me a car. Granted he probably would have sold drugs to get the money to buy me a car but a car would have been in my possession nonetheless.

I'm excited to move for college and get out of Vegas. The only way I'd be successful here is if I became a stripper or a black jack dealer and neither one of those things really interest me at the moment. LA seems like it's going to be amazing. I somehow managed to lineup an internship at Rolling Stone Magazine...how that happens at my age is beyond me but I guess they really liked the piece I sent them on the whole boy band craze that's happening right now. Maybe they enjoyed how an 18-year-old girl can actually sit back and look at it as something more then good looking boys pretending to be men singing and dancing for the screams of pre-pubescent girls and money. Not that I'm knocking it or anything...I mean hey if I could sing and make that kind of money before I hit 21 and be doing what I love I'd do it too. Unfortunately though, more then one person has told me I'm tone deaf so I guess that's out of the question.

I can't believe you're not going to college. I seriously think you're going to miss out on one of the best experiences life offers. I mean picture it...Freedom, girls, dorms, and beer. Most guys say it doesn't get much better then that. Don't worry I'll make sure I tell you I told you so when you come crying to me about how much you regret it.

Anyway...My mom's boyfriend has officially moved into my house. There really isn't much to say about that except I'd rather jump out the window of a sky rise building in the middle of New York City then listen to them tell each other how much they're in love every five seconds. I don't really care how nice this guy is, or how fucked up my dad was...he's never going to be my father and they can't expect me to treat him like he is.

Well, I'm on break at work and I need to get back. It seems like all I've done all summer is work and it's starting to drive me crazy. The fact that I hate kids and I work at a day camp probably doesn't help that fact but I need to be able to live on my own once I get to LA so it'll all be worth it in the end...right?

Soph

"That's quite the E-Mail," I turned around quickly after hitting the send button to see my friend Tiffany standing behind me. This could only mean one thing...I was late getting back from lunch. Again.

"Sorry Tiff! I didn't realize how late I was..."

"It's okay. No one is looking for you I just figured I'd come find you before they did. Who are you talking to anyway?"

"Just this kid Justin," I said trailing off not really knowing how to describe our relationship to her. It's funny we've been talking for close to a decade but I'm not sure that anyone including my family knows that I still speak to my pen pal from the second grade. So I'm now at a loss for words as to how to describe him. I can't say pen pal, that's awfully childish of me, but can I call him a friend if I've never met him?

"Friend from school?" 

"I guess you can call him that," I replied quickly closing out the screen on the computer and walking towards the door to avoid any further conversation about him. What am I suppose to say? Oh it's just Justin Randall, my person...my best friend from Tennessee. 

Soph,

Remind me to remind you to never have kids okay? I can't even imagine the chaos that that child will be put in living with you. Growing up listening to heavy metal and rap music...I just can't. Get a dog instead much easier to handle and they can't talk back. You'd be good with a dog, maybe you'd need a dog walker or something but it's less responsibility then a kid. No kids okay? Promise me no kids!

You mom is right about LA you know. All there is is traffic, however I don't know if I'd recommend taking the bus...I mean unless you want to be assaulted. Plus, if you're going to be going to school and working at Rolling Stone, you don't need a car anyway because you're going to have nowhere to go. Speaking of Rolling Stone, I'd like to see this article you sent them. I'm interested in what your thoughts are on this whole boy band craze. I find it to be highly interesting/slightly appalling myself and I'd love to see how someone that despises pop music analyzes it. Specifically you since I know you can't go five minutes without cursing so I'd love to see how you covered that one up. It is pretty cool that you got that job though, maybe they'll love you and you'll make it to the big time and never have to look back on the city of sin.

I'm sure at some point in my life I'll regret not going to college. I have my reasons why I'm not but it's too complicated to explain so you're just going to have to trust me on that one. When the time comes that I regret it I'll let you be the first one to tell me I told you so. I'll tell you what you're going to regret though...treating your mom's boyfriend like a douche bag. No one expects him nor thinks he's replacing your dad so just suck it up and be nice. How do you think your mom feels when you treat him like crap? It's been 4 years don't you think its about time she's happy again? Plus you're moving soon so you won't have to deal with it anymore. So until then...put on a happy face, don't be bitchy and deal. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

When do you move? I need to prepare my friends that live in LA that the beast is coming...I don't want them to have to endure the wrath that is Sophia Wright.

J

~

Dear Asshole,

You are a fuckface and nothing about that last E-Mail makes me want to write back to you. You better smarten up before I don't write to you anymore...then what? You don't even remember what life was like before me but I can assure you it sucked.

I move in a month...and you're friends would be lucky to have me in there life. Tell them so that they can find me and be my friend so that I'm not alone and so that I'll have someone to make fun of you with.

On a brighter note, my friend at work asked me who I was writing an E-Mail to the other day and I had absolutely no answer to give her. I almost feel like we've been having a secret relationship for 10 years. I kind of like it. This E-Mail was meant to trash you the whole time but I feel as though it's necessary to tell you that I appreciate you and I'm thankful you're in my life in some sort of messed up way. Okay enough with the compliments...I need to go kick some flag football ass.

Sophie I'll Never Give Justin A Compliment Again Wright

***

"MOM!"

"What?" I asked shooting up from my pillow at the sound of my daughters screaming.

"Tyler hit me..."

I should have known...one day of being kid free and a romantic night with my husband had to come to an end at some point. "What time is it?"

"Six..."

"Why either one of you is up is beyond me tell-"

"He hit me look! I have a red mark on my arm!"

"You know what...one time a very smart person told me I shouldn't have kids and on days like today it makes me think I should have listened. You can go back to your room until the clock strikes 8 and I'll go deal with Ty."

"Me? Why do I have to go to my room I wasn't the one hitting!"

"Because no one should be up at 6am on a Sunday that's why. Now stop yelling before you wake Dad up, and go to your room and watch TV or something until the rest of the world is ready to be awake."

"I'm up..." a muffled voice behind me said, "and if I'm still up in 5 minutes everyone will be spending the whole day in their room!" I watched her turn around mumbling something under her breath and stomp to her room before I put my head in my hands. One day you love the kid so much you don't know what to do with yourself, and the next you want to throw them out a window. "We need a vacation," he huffed pulling me back down on my pillow by my waist. "Call a babysitter and see if she can stay for a month." I kissed his cheek before throwing the covers back to go deal with my son, "Come back," he whined like a 5 year old hitting the now empty side of the bed, "don't leave me!"

"You and your log will survive I promise," I said with a chuckle, "I need to go deal with your son who clearly learned violence from his father."

"You love my log," was his response before flipping over onto his stomach and falling back to sleep.

I don't think anyone realizes how sheltered your life could be living in the sin capital of the world until you no longer live there. I knew my life wasn't as exciting as one would think it would be in Vegas, but I didn't realize how much more exciting it could have been. I moved to LA at the end of August to start school, and by the middle of September there was no looking back. Life in California was like a little piece of heaven on earth. There was always something to do, a party to attend, work to get to, homework to procrastinate doing, and to top it off there were things like trees and grass here. Like real grass, not the fake stuff that people in Vegas have because it's so damn hot the grass has no chance of surviving.

Some days I felt like all I did was work. I went to school in the morning and I'd make my way to my internship right after and sometimes wouldn't get home until close to midnight. I never ended up with that car and it would probably get me home at least an hour sooner then the bus would but at this point there was nothing I could do but save money and buy one for myself. Other days though I was living the dream. I managed to make a ton of friends right off the bat at school and at my internship and there were some nights that my head never saw the pillow. Along with the good friends came some bad ones that tried to get everyone else in the group mixed up in the wrong stuff. I lost a few friends pretty quickly having to cut them out of my life when they started using drugs.

I always said I wouldn't drink. Not before I was 21 and not after I was 21. I watched my dad die from drug and alcohol addiction and I swore to myself that I would never be that person. The girl that's walking out of a club underage holding onto the walls so that she can stand up straight with her shoes in her hands and her bare feet all over the nasty street. The one that slurs her words and can't form full sentences that make any kind of sense whatsoever. I promised myself that that would never be me, but unlike all of the other promises I made to myself before I got to LA, that was the one promise that I broke after about a month of living the good life.

I lived in a pretty nice apartment with three roommates and if I'm being honest our humble abode was the best out of all of our friends so the parties usually happened at our place. I would never be one to tell someone what they should and should not do so I usually sat around and played drinking games with everyone else with my red cup full of ice water or ginger ale. Tonight however, was a different story.

There was this kid named Jay in my intro to journalism class that I had the biggest crush on ever. The first day I walked into class and saw him sitting there with his tight button down shirt hugging the muscles in his arms I was head over heels in lust with him. The first couple of weeks we didn't speak a word to each other but just this afternoon he dropped his pencil and asked me to pick it up for him as he couldn't reach it and that's when it all started. He was leaning over the desk when I bent down to get it and as I shot back up to hand it to him our heads crashed into one another. I quickly drew my hand up to the back of my head rubbing the bump that was quickly forming and looked up to see him doing the same to his forehead. My hazel eyes met his brown ones and we just started laughing, quietly at first, then loud enough to be scolded by the professor for interrupting class. We both apologized and attempted to draw our attention back to the front of the room, but every so often I'd turn around when I'd feel his eyes digging into the back of my head and he'd wink at me or jokingly rub his head and fake pain. After class ended I gathered my books and made my way out the door only to stop in my tracks after hearing him call my name. I turned around to find him running after me, his sweatshirt hanging over one arm and his book cuddled under his other one.

"Hey," I whispered, shocked that he'd actually want to talk to little old me outside of class.

"Hey Sophie...umm...I was wondering if maybe...Maybe I could buy you a coffee or something, you know as a thank you for getting my pencil for me..."

He was stuttering. Could he actually be nervous to talk to me too? My first instinct was to say yes immediately but then I realized that I had to head to my internship right after class today, so I settled for second best, "I'm actually off to work right after class, but my roommates and I are having a party tonight if you want to come."

"Yeah, that'd be cool," he smiled and I noticed for the first time how perfectly straight his teeth were.

Quickly shaking my head to snap back to reality I ripped a piece of paper out of my notebook to scribble down my address and handed it to him, "So I'll see you tonight around 9?"

"I'll see you then," we locked eyes for a few seconds too long before I nodded and turned away, "Oh and Soph...Thanks for getting my pencil."

"No problem," I smiled feeling my cheeks turn red.

And that was all it took. He showed up at my apartment that night and I was hooked. Even though the house was full of loud people with even louder music we managed to find a spot on the couch in the corner and talk for hours on end. Every so often he'd get up to refill his beer and I'd sneak off into the kitchen to fill my cup with water, not wanting him to know I was the only pansy that wasn't actually drinking. After what seemed like 5 minutes but was actually 5 hours later I realized that the music had stopped and we were the only ones left in the room. His arm was resting around my shoulders and he motioned with his head to see if I wanted a refill. By then I was so infatuated with him I had forgotten that I'd been sneaking off to get water on the rocks with a lime all night and simply nodded at him.

"What are you drinking?" Suddenly it felt like his eyes were daggers stabbing me over and over again waiting for a response. I should just say water...I mean if the guy really likes me it shouldn't matter if I don't drink right? But at the same time, I don't think I'll ever be able to find someone like him again and what harm could one drink do?

"Tequila and Sprite." I regretted it the minute I said it, but I took the glass anyway and drank it, along with four others as the night turned into early morning. And I regret it even more now as I wake up next to Jay in my bed with a pounding headache naked, not knowing what exactly happened after my lips hit the first glass.

Jus,

Please don't kill me! I don't even know how I feel about this right now. I mean I'm happy, I really am but at the same time I know I probably fucked up. So that Jay guy I was telling you about in my Journalism class...well we had an encounter with a pencil and it all ended up with me inviting him back to my place for a party a couple of nights ago and that all ended with me waking up in my bed the next morning naked with him next to me. Now don't get me wrong it's not like I've never had sex before but the kicker to this fuck up is that I was drunk and I don't remember any of it. I don't even know why I drank...Half the night I was drinking water and then he asked me what I was drinking and I didn't want to sound like a freak. I know what you're going to say...why did you conform Soph?...if you didn't want to drink why did you drink? I get it I'm an idiot but I really like this guy so I don't even know if I regret it. I mean I feel regret for drinking because I promised myself I never would but I don't think I regret sleeping with him.

I know I'm rambling and this probably doesn't make any sense but I just...I needed to tell you because I need to sort this out in my head and the only person that will actually look at this with some sense of normalcy and not just pat me on the back and congratulate me is you.

He's doing all the right things though. I mean I woke up and we cuddled for a few hours and after he left he called me to make sure I was okay, and we've pretty much been in constant contact since then. I mean I really like this guy and to think that for once he likes me back kind of boosts my confidence. But why did I drink for him? There have been guys in the past and I didn't budge but I did for him and it's driving me crazy. What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe I should go back to Vegas and get my head on straight...

I'm so fucking dumb.

***

Vacation was upon us. Well, not the kids but my husband and me. We're calling it a second honeymoon when in reality it's really our first. When we got married both of us were so busy with work and Lily there was no way we were going to be able to take a week off to anoint our marriage. We always said once we had a break we'd slip away but our first break came when I was 8 months pregnant with Tyler so I wasn't really able to vacation then either. Luck was upon us however when my mom called to tell me she wanted to visit with her grandbabies so I promptly called a travel agent and booked a flight out to Hawaii the day after she arrived and informed her she'd be babysitting for a week once our itinerary was in place. As excited as I was about leaving in the morning for paradise I was stressed as all hell trying to prepare a weeks worth of dinner and lunches for the kids so that they wouldn't feel like they were too far away from their routine when we got back.

I heard the school bus pull up to the corner and waited patiently for the screaming and fighting to start once the kids walked in the door, but was shocked when they both came in quietly throwing their lunch boxes on the counter and took off for the living room. I chalked it up to their grandmother being here and my newfound luck but was soon proven wrong when Lily sat down on the stool in front of me. It was then I learned that it wasn't my luck, but just their grandmother being here.

"How'd you and Daddy meet?"

I stopped putting peanut butter on the piece of bread in front of me and looked up at her. She knows the answer to this question so I don't understand why she's asking it. I squint at her and cock my head to the side, "We met in college, you know this..."

"I know where you met Mom I'm asking HOW you met. We have to do a project about the day our parents met so I need to know details. I mean I'm talking I need to do a poster board and everything so pictures and things of that nature would be useful too."

Oh this will be nice maybe I'll just send her to school with a pencil and a bottle of tequila because that pretty much sums up how we met. I shook my head out of the daze I was in and got back to the sandwich in front of me. "I really think you should probably do this project on how me and Dad met Lily and not how me and Daddy met. It really is a much better story, plus he raised you."

"That would work if I didn't already tell my teacher that you met in college and what his name was, but since I already did that and since technically he is my father I don't think that would work."

"Okay," I said trying to quickly come up with a solution, "Well why don't we just pretend that the story of how me and Dad met is the story of how me and Daddy met. Since technically we met in college too. It'll be our little secret..."

"MOM! This is not that hard, just tell me the story. I don't even need pictures I'll draw them or something but you need to tell me the story tonight because my project is due in three days and since you two are leaving us here with Grandma to fend for ourselves I'm going to need this information ASAP! Do you really want me to fail 5th grade?"

"You won't fail 5th grade....and we are not leaving you to fend for yourselves! Grandma is here!"

"Look...all I know is my friends parents would not go to Hawaii without their children because that is just mean, HOWEVER," she raised her finger like she was 40 in a boardroom telling all of her employees what to do, "the point of this discussion is not to fight about you guys going to Hawaii to have the best time ever and never come back to your kids, it's about how you and Daddy met. So spill!"

"We are coming back in a week!"

"GOD MOM! Just...You know what I'll just ask Dad, he'll know."

"Just ask Dad what?" I turned around to see him walking into the kitchen with a toothpick hanging out of his mouth.

"How did Mom and Daddy meet?" she asked pulling a pencil and notebook out from her backpack that was sitting on the stool next to her. He started hysterically laughing and I turned sharply eyeing him to let him know if he told her the real story I'd murder him in his sleep.

"Here's what I know," he said leaning on the counter next to me after he was able to control his laughter.

"Mmhmm," she looked up at him excited that she was finally going to get this story and be able to hold something over my head.

"I got nothin'," he smacked the counter and started laughing again as I watched her smile turn into a straight line of frustration. Is it wrong to laugh right now? I mean clearly my child is annoyed but her reaction was pretty priceless.

"Just write your project on me and Dad Lily, I promise the teacher will understand," I said patting her hand and trying to contain the smile that kept forming on my face.

"You guys suck!"

"This girl just loves to be grounded," I said looking up at my husband, "Room...NOW!"

The stomping up the steps informed me that I was currently in the right house and my luck had worn out, but tomorrow I'll be in paradise. With silence and the only voice I'll be hearing is my husbands and if that doesn't scream vacation I don't know what does.

***

Soph,

I really don't know what you want me to say to you. You know what you did was stupid and now you're trying to make it right by saying he's doing all the right things. This isn't even about you drinking or how much you like him or the pencil (which I would really like to know how a pencil turned into you getting drunk and having sex with some guy you don't even know.) This just isn't you. The Soph I know is a strong person and doesn't care what other people think and would never just throw away something she believes in for a guy. I mean what do you even know about him? And how do you know he really likes you? Just because he's calling doesn't mean he feels the same way about you as you do for him. Trust me I know...I'm a guy. I also know that you don't just regret drinking, you regret sleeping with him too and you're coming up with a thousand excuses to make yourself believe that you don't.

You don't even remember it! Are you sure you slept with him willingly or did he maybe I don't know slip a date rape drug in your drink and pretend like everything was fine and dandy the next morning. Here's a good question...did you use protection? Wouldn't that be awesome if in a month you're writing me an E-Mail saying your 18, a freshman in college and pregnant? Then what Soph? I've joked with you before and called you dumb but I never meant it until now...what you did was dumb and I don't care how many people think its cool or how hot you think he is. It was dumb and you're better then that. What happened to you? And how do I get Sophie back?

Justin

After a month of not writing back, but reading this stupid E-Mail over and over again I've realized that he's right. I'm dumb and now I have to figure out a way to tell him that he's right. That I don't even know this guy even though I guess you can say we've been dating since that night. I was mad at Justin for a long time but I'm not sure why since I knew exactly what he was going to say. I told him about what happened because I needed someone to be honest with me and smarten me up. He was certainly honest but unfortunately I didn't smarten up. And now not only do I have to suck up my pride and tell him he's right and listen to him tell me I told you so, but I have to figure out how to make these two lines on the pregnancy test turn into only one so that I don't have to tell him that I'm pregnant too.

Hawaii is just...perfection. The weather, the scenery, the people, the music. All of it is paradise. I didn't think it could get any more perfect until my husband got down on one knee five seconds ago.

"Marry me Soph," I don't think he meant for it to come out as a whisper, and I really don't think he meant for his eyes to well up with tears as he held out a diamond ring twice the size of the one that currently sat on my right hand.

It took me a minute to pick my mouth up off of the ground. I wasn't expecting this, especially now after spending the day on a yacht right before we were about to go to bed. Not after just walking out of the shower with a towel wrapped around my body and him in nothing but a pair of shorts. "I...We...But...We're already married..."

"So marry me again...lets renew our vows!"

"Babe I-"

"Just say yes so that I can get off my knee would ya? I'm a lot older then I was the first time I proposed!" the smirk that I fell in love with began to form on his face when I reached down to pull him up off of the ground. "So?"

"30 isn't old..."

"Don't fuck around!"

"Hey!" I put my hands up in the air stating my defense, "I don't think you're suppose to yell and swear during a marriage proposal."

"Sorry. Just. I'm nervous!"

My arm wrapped effortlessly around his neck as I placed a soft kiss on his lips, "I don't know what you're nervous about. I'd marry you every single day of my life if I could."

A hand brushed down my cheeks as his lips crashed down onto mine.

 I love Hawaii.

***

I told Justin 4 months ago via E-Mail that I was pregnant. His response wasn't pleasant, not that I expected it to be, but I guess I didn't expect it to be so harsh either. I wrote and deleted a million messages back to him. I didn't know what to say, how to make it better, or even how I really felt, so I sent nothing. I thought about an abortion, and I considered adoption but I knew if I had this child, carried it in me for 40 weeks, there was no way I was going to be able to give it up. Jay didn't take to well to the idea of becoming a father, and when I first told him he accused me of being a slut and slapped me across the face. I knew then that we wouldn't last. I knew I was going to be a single mother at the age of 19 and that made me not want to write to Justin even more. But even after all that. The hitting that continued, the fighting with my mother over how dumb and stupid I was to get pregnant so young, I still made the decision to keep the baby.

3 months after I found out, 3 months after he first hit me, Jay apologized for everything, promised it would never happen again, and proposed. We were laying in bed and he pulled out a box with a pretty good sized cubic zirconia in it, told me for the first time that he loved me and wanted us to be a family. I knew I should have said no but at the same time I wanted my child to have a family so I said yes. That afternoon we went down to city hall and became husband and wife, and that night after throwing up for the second time that day and wanting nothing more then to just lie in bed, he hit me so hard I bled because I didn't want to have sex. I knew I should have left, but I didn't because everything else in my life that was going great was giving me hope that this was just a phase. I'm doing my first major celebrity interview next month, and surprisingly I'm doing really well in all of my classes, so this just has to be a phase. So instead of fighting it I had sex with him and once I knew he was sleeping I snuck out of bed and turned on the computer to write the one E-Mail I've been putting off for 3 months.

Hey,

I bet you weren't expecting to hear from me ever again, and I guess I can't blame you. Sorry I never wrote back. I deserved to hear everything you said in that E-Mail but obviously I was pissed when I read it. I guess I don't really expect an E-mail back from you but I can't say I won't be sad if I don't get one.

So I guess I should just update you on everything and then pray you write back after I click send. Well...I'm married! Jay proposed this morning and we went to City Hall this afternoon and made it all legal. It's good that we'll actually be a family you know? In hindsight that makes the whole teenage pregnancy thing a little bit better. I thought about abortion for like 5 minutes but I knew I couldn't do it, and I'm not going to lie adoption is probably the best option but I swear Justin I already love this kid. I know it's kind of crazy to think of me as a mother...and hell it's crazy to even think of me as a wife, but I know I can be good at both if I set my mind to it.

Work and school have been going really well. One more week left of classes before I got to Vegas for Christmas. I didn't go home for Thanksgiving because I didn't think my Mom was ready to see me yet. She's pissed, as I'm sure you can imagine and as I'm sure everyone else is about the whole baby thing, but I know she still loves me in her own little way. It'll just take a while for everyone to accept it. Maybe I should leave out the whole marriage thing for now and let her get use to the word baby first.

Look, I'm rambling because I really don't know what to say. You're right about everything you said. I'm stupid, the things I did were stupid, and you're probably going to call me stupid for getting married but damn Justin I just want to do the right thing for this kid, and I fucking miss you. I miss talking to you, I miss you making fun of me, and I miss you making me laugh. We've never met but you're my best friend and not having you to talk to has been eating at me for three months. Over the years you've somehow become my person and now I'm just...lost.

I'm sorry for everything. There are too many things to list but just know that from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry okay? I miss you, I need to talk to you now more then ever, and I'm scared. Please, please, please forgive me...

Soph

***

There is something almost magical about two people who have been married for six years renewing their vows. Then there are people who have been married for six years renewing there vows on the beach in Hawaii in front of no one but the minister, and that...that is about as intimate as two people can get. Two people looking so deeply into each other's eyes that they can see the others persons soul. Feet buried in the sand a wind ever so lightly blowing at the perfect time. Two people telling each other how much they are in love without holding back, without doing it for show. Just pure, undisputable, incredible, magical love.

I've been talking for what seems like hours. Giving reason after reason why I'm so in love with this man but everything that I've said so far is all tied into two things that could have summed this up a whole lot faster, "...Thank you for saving me all those years ago before you even knew what you were doing, and thank you for showing me that not only is it possible for someone to love me, but it's possible for me to love as well."

***

The big day has arrived. This will determine whether or not Rolling Stone permanently hires me or if this is just a freshman internship that will probably be looked over on my resume after graduation. I've been preparing for this for over two months now. I have to ask all of the right questions to not only make it easier on myself to write a great article, but it has to be appealing to the reader as well. This was something I knew I could do, I was born to do this...I loved to do this. Only two things could have made this easier. Number one, I could be interviewing someone I knew about prior to reading all about them during my research, and number two, an E-Mail back from Justin.

It's been a month. I prepared myself for this and in no way shape or form did I really think he was going to write back. But I guess deep down some part of me really did, and since he hasn't, I find myself spacing off and thinking about where he is and what he's doing and if he'll ever forgive me when I should be thinking about the task at hand. This huge interview, rekindling a relationship with my mother, learning how to love my husband, or I don't know...preparing for this baby that's been growing inside of me for four months.

I was being led down a long hallway on the top floor of the Beverly Hills Hotel. Suddenly I felt more unprepared then ever. My hands were shaking and I wasn't sure if I could put one foot in front of the other for much longer. I kept chanting a mantra in my head, 'You can do this. You will not fail. You can do this. You will not fail.' The woman escorting me had a stain on the back of her tan skirt. Should I tell her? No, that would be rude. She knocked on the door at the end of the hallway, opening it before anyone even said to come in, "Sophia Callahan Mr. Timberlake."

He was sitting at a desk pushed up against the wall in the middle of the suite. His hair had been cut since the last picture I saw of him on the internet. The leather jacket he wore hugged his arms a little too tightly. In my opinion it almost looked like if he moved the thing would rip at the seams. I couldn't see his face, but my eyes zoned in on a freckle on the back of his neck. "Thank you." He said it without turning around. Without acknowledging anyone else's existence, and without a second glance the women left me in there alone with him. "I'll be with you in one second, have a seat."

I walked over to the leather couch but right before I sat down I realized I should probably take the chair. It was his room after all and what if he wanted to lie down during the interview. I wasn't intimidated by him as I'm sure most people are when they meet someone of his stature, I was just nervous for my future...for my child's future. Once uncomfortably but properly seated on one of the two chairs my focus went back to the back of his head. His shoulders went up as he took a deep breath and clicked a button on the computer, "There goes nothing," he mumbled under his breath, before standing up promptly cracking his knuckles before violently twisting his neck first to the left then to the right to crack that. It was only then that he turned around and actually recognized the fact that he wasn't alone.

I stood up quickly questioning why I sat down in the first place, and put my hand out to shake his, "Sophia Callahan, how are you doing Mr. Timberlake?"

"Please," he took a sip of water sitting in front of him where he sat on the couch, "Call me Justin. That whole Mr. Timberlake thing drives my crazy." He was looking at the computer that still had his Inbox popped up on the screen and not at me.

"Okay, Justin. So let's get right to it I guess...Thanks for meeting with me first of all-"

"It's all in a days work you know..." As if I wasn't already nervous enough he goes and says that.

"Right...So...Tell me about making the album."

"Well...It's certainly a little bit different working on a solo album rather then one for the group. More work and all that..." Great, at the rate this was going not only would it take me days pull useless information out of this guy to be able to write a semi-respectable piece but there was no way in hell I was going to get hired. And damn it, I know you're a celebrity but maybe you could look at me instead of the computer screen.

"I know you did a lot of work with Pharell on this album had you worked with him before?"

"Yeah, we had done a couple of tracks for other people and for the group in the past. We had chemistry so I knew this would work out for my album. He hooked me up with some great...Did you hear that?"

I looked up from my notepad that I was writing in to see him staring even more intently now at the computer. I noticed that his face was pretty pale and if I knew him I'd probably think he was either about to vomit or cry. "I'm sorry what?"

"I said, did you hear that? Like a ding that you'd normally hear when you got an E-Mail or something..."

It's official this guy is either mentally unstable or he's on a whole load of drugs, and since I know he's been highly successful in the music industry I'm going to go with the latter, "Uh, I didn't but I wasn't really listening for it either."

He got up and started walking towards the computer, "It's just that I'm waiting to hear back from someone. We haven't spoken in a while and we've been friends...God we've been friends for over a decade." He shook his head realizing that he was just hearing things and began walking back over to the couch. The look on his face had changed, he was thinking now, but not about this interview that's for sure. Suddenly he turned his head to look at me dead in the eyes, "Do you have a best friend?"

He caught me off guard and I felt a lump go down my throat as I swallowed, "I uh...Well I guess you could say I had a best friend. We've recently had our differences."

"It's hard to have friends in this business. You don't know who you can trust and who is going to stab you in the back. This girl she's been my friend since I was 10 and I feel like sometimes she's the only one that I can actually say things to and not get beat up by my PR team or have it written in a magazine." I should be writing this down, but I'm not. In his eyes I can see pain and they're pulling me in. They're making me want to give him a hug and tell him everything will be okay even though I don't know if that's true. "All this time...all this time and she doesn't even know who I am."

"So why don't you tell her?" I found myself reaching out to place my hand on his knee that was going up and down as he tapped his foot on the plush carpets below him.

"It's not that easy," he replied shaking his head, "I've been an asshole and she seems to have a whole new life now. Married, kid on the way. I don't think I really matter anymore."

Instinctually I placed my right hand on my growing stomach and thought about the current situation I was in. How similar it all seemed, but how different it actually was. "Sometimes," I started but took a moment to take a breath and actually think of the right thing to say, "How do you know she doesn't need you more then ever right now? How do you know she's not waiting for you to call her and tell her that no matter what you are there for her? No matter how happy or unhappy she may be, no matter how smart or stupid she is when making decisions? How do you know you don't matter when you could be the only thing in her life that actually does?"

"You're right," it was a whisper but I could tell he meant it, "I wish I could just call her or something..."

"So call her! I won't stop you I've got all day. But I will ask that you stop your people when they try and cut me off from this interview because this kind of is a do or die for my job right now."

"It's not that simple," his face went into his hands and he sat there for a moment before sighing heavily and leaning back on the couch, "You're going to think I'm crazy," he trailed off.

"Honestly, I'm just happy you're looking at me and not at the computer at this point. And who cares if I think you're crazy, I'm just a reporter for a magazine it's not like I'm God or something..."

He let out a soft chuckle, "That's something she would say."

"Smart girl." He sighed again and suddenly I felt like I was in a room with a friend trying to figure out the facts of life. I wasn't concerned about my article anymore, I'm sure I could make something up if need be. "Spill it," I threw my notebook and pen down on the coffee table, "totally off record."

"Who are you my therapist?"

"If I sound like your therapist I think you need a new one!"

He took another sip of water letting out a laugh. "I've never actually met this girl. We've been writing to each other for years, and she's kind of always been that person that I go to with everything, but she doesn't know I'm well...me." He stopped for a minute looking like he was debating whether or not he should continue when it clicked in my head. Married. Pregnant. A decade. Justin. I stopped breathing for a second, this couldn't be happening right now. "She's off at school and kind of got herself into a little situation and we've been distant for a while," he turned to look at me and must have saw my face go ghost white. I was starting to sweat and could feel tears welling up in my eyes. How had I not figured this out sooner? "Are you okay?"

Oh shit, he's talking to me. He wants an answer and I don't even know what to say. I mean maybe this is a different Justin, that's totally possible and our stories are just strangely similar. My Justin's last name isn't Timberlake anyway its Randall so I don't even know where I come off thinking this could be true. Then I looked down at my open notebook and saw it on the top line, 'Justin R. Timberlake' with squiggly lines wrapped around it, "What's your middle name?" I croaked out before quickly brushing away a tear I let slip down my cheek away.

"It's Randall, look did I say something wrong?" he handed me a tissue the look of concern growing on his face. I managed to shake my head and I felt a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. All these years, and I had no idea. All these years I wondered what he looked like and now he's sitting right in front of me oblivious to the fact that I'm his Sophie. He was rubbing my back now and offering me some water but I refused it turning a little bit to face him.

"My name is Sophia, I work for Rolling Stone," I said looking at him waiting to see recognition in his eyes.

"I know," he replied quickly staring back at me wondering why I just introduced myself again. And then I saw it. The light bulb went off in his head and he took in a quick breath, "Wait...Rolling Stone?" I nodded not sure whether I should be crying or smiling. Not knowing where this was going to go from here. "But she said Sophia Callahan and...and you got married." I nodded again as his hand went over his mouth, "Oh my god...Soph?" 

Leaving paradise was not a good feeling. I could soak up the sun and have no worries with my two-time husband for the rest of my life, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my kids after a few days. As much as they drive me absolutely insane most days, I've grown accustom to the insanity and too much silence now actually makes me kind of nervous. So as unhappy as I was to leave Hawaii, it felt pretty good to walk into my house and have my children run up to me with there arms open to give me a hug. Dropping my bags on the ground I knelt down to there level grabbing one in each arm before Tyler wiggled his way out screaming "DADDY," and jumping into his arms. After my big welcoming with the kids I walked over to the island in the kitchen where my own mother was standing whipping up some dinner, kissed her on the cheek and gave her a hug from behind. "Thanks for watching them Ma..."

"It was my pleasure sweetie," she replied wiping her hands on the apron wrapped around her neck before turning to give me a real hug. "You know I love spending time with my grandbabies."

"Mom! I got an A on my project about you and Dad, and guess what...okay don't guess I'll just tell you, I got another letter from my pen pal yesterday and she sent me a really cool magnet with my name on it!" My daughter was glowing as she recited the events of the past week and a half and I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face as I listened to her recount stories and watched my son loving up on his dad.

"See Lily, I told you it would all work out!"

"Yeah and Daddy called and said he's taking me to the Dodgers game this weekend, to make up for the one that he missed."

I kissed her forehead, laughing at Tyler who was now hanging upside down, held by his ankles hysterically laughing. "Well it looks like someone had a good time while we were gone. I'm glad Daddy is taking-"

"Sophia I need to talk to you in the living room," my mother interrupted me quite abruptly, and a knot formed in my stomach the second she called me Sophia because that meant something was wrong.

"Okay let me just put my bags upstairs and then-"

"I need to talk to you now, both of you," Tyler was quickly turned right side up and we looked at each other knowing that the vacation of a lifetime was officially over. He bent down kissing Ty on the cheek before sending both of them upstairs to wash up for dinner. He laced his fingers with mine as we followed my mother into the living room and even though it didn't put me completely at ease, it made me feel a little bit better knowing that I wouldn't be taking this hit by myself. "It's Jay," she said it before my butt was fully on the couch cushion. Apparently she was taking the rip it off like band-aid approach.

"He's bailing on her again," I said it with an attitude, pissed off that my daughter gets stuck with this fuck up for a father. And mad at myself for doing this to her.

"He doesn't really have a choice Soph-"

"You know what Mom! He does have a choice! And I'm so sick of giving him all of these chances only to let her down every single time. He chooses every time he pops a pill or inhales whatever his drug of choice is that day. Lily gets stuck with a deadbeat just like I did and he needs to learn that if he continues to do this he's never going to see her again because I'll get his ass thrown in jail and find a way to make him stay there. This has gone on long enough and I won't take-"

"HE'S DEAD!" I don't know why she screamed it. Maybe she was trying to get me to shut up and I was tuning her out. Maybe she had been holding it in for so long it just bubbled over and she had to get it out. Or maybe...maybe she was pissed that her grandchild ended up with the same fate as her daughter.

My hand went over my mouth and I heard everyone take in a breath. From day one I've wished that Lily would have had a different father, but never would I ever wish this. Not on him, not even on my worst enemy. I closed my eyes, praying that when they opened again this would just be a dream but it wasn't. This was real life, and I hate real life. "How am I supposed to tell her?"

"Tell her the truth..."

"I know that you know what it feels like to find out someone you loved overdosed mom, but you don't know what it feels like to hear that your father overdosed. Especially when you're that young. I can't do that to her..."

"You can't lie to her Sophia. She deserves to know the truth. And it's not like she doesn't have another father in her life...she won't take it as hard as you did."

I stood up instantly letting tears slide down my face. Not because I was overcome with the fact that he had died, but because I knew exactly how my daughter was going to feel when she found out, and because sometimes I had to wonder if my mother even had a heart beating inside of her chest. "You know what...it's when you say things like that, that I question if you even have a brain!" And with that I took off with my husband on my tail, leaving her downstairs alone to find out where she put her common sense.

***

And then there was silence. Lots and lots of silence. I tried to form sentences, hell I even tried to form words and it wasn't happening. And he...he was just staring in shock with his mouth practically on the floor. I didn't know what this meant. I mean what if he never had any intentions of meeting me and now I'm sitting in front of him and he doesn't know how to break it to me that he wants nothing to do with me outside of an E-Mail every now and again. Or maybe he's happy and is just in too much shock to express it. I don't even know how I feel about this. This whole time I've been E-Mailing Justin Timberlake and didn't know, and lets face it, he's kept a lot from me in 10 years when I've spilled my heart out to him. A knock on the door shook me from my thoughts and I looked up to see the same woman that escorted me in sticking her head inside the room, "Five minutes Ms. Callahan."

"I...But...Can I-"

"Stacey I need you to cancel the rest of my interviews today," he interrupted my stutters taking his eyes off of me for the first time since he realized who I was.

"But Mr. Timberlake you still have quite a few left..."

"I said I'm done for the day. Reschedule for tomorrow, and please let Rachel know that I won't be needing her for the rest of the day."

The woman was visibly shaken, not knowing what to do. "Mr. Wright gave me strict orders to get these interviews done today and-"

"I'll call Johnny myself. You don't need to worry I'll tell him it was my fault, he'll be mad at me, not you."

"Justin you don't have to do this, I can-"

"No...I need...I want to do this," he cut me off placing his hand on top of mine. A chill went down my spine the minute I felt his skin on mine. "I'll call him Stacey, I promise."

"O-Ok. I'll tell Rachel..."

She closed the door and it was just the two of us again. This time there was less staring and more fidgeting but still silence. "Say something," I whispered not able to deal with the silence any longer.

"Sorry I just can't believe...I can't believe it's really you. It is you right?"

We both laughed and it took a load of pressure off, suddenly I felt relaxed, "It's really me..."

"I-I don't know how I didn't connect the dots..."

"After that whole rant about your friend I don't know what took me so long TO connect the dots."

"I can't believe...After all these years." He leaned back on the couch shaking his head, "10 years and this is how we meet."

"Is that good or bad?"

"It's...I don't know what it is. I just can't believe it's really you."

"It's me. And you're...you." This was getting more awkward by the second. Where do we go from here?

No one said anything for a while, we just went back to staring until he sat up leaning his elbows on his knees, "I wrote back to you Soph and you just...you didn't respond."

"Well from the looks of it, you wrote back to me about 10 minutes ago and I was sitting right here so how was I suppose to get it?"

"No I wrote to you like a month ago, from my new E-Mail address. I had to change it because somehow fans got a hold of it and I was getting like a million E-Mail's a day."

Now it was time for me to be shocked to silence. For a month I thought he hated me when the reality of it is that he wrote back right away. "I-I didn't get it. Maybe it went to my spam, I swear to God I never read an E-Mail from you...My god I thought you hated me..."

"I don't hate you," it was a whisper with the slightest puddle of tears forming in his eyes. And then it was a reach over the coffee table before we both stood up and hugged each other. My life was all sorts of fucked up, but in that moment I knew everything was going to be okay.

***

"Okay so here's the poster that got me an A...I mean pretty creative if you ask me since you two didn't leave me any pictures to use don't you think?"

I had composed myself enough to sit Lily down and give her the news after dinner, at least I thought I did. I'm sure it was written all over my face that something was wrong especially when the smile was wiped quickly off of her face once she looked from the poster board to me. "Come sit Lil..." She looked back and forth between the two of us before she planted herself where I was patting in between us on our bed.

"He's not coming again right?" It killed me to hear her say it. I know that she knows her father is basically a deadbeat but she's never said anything about it out loud. I shook my head feeling tears form in my eyes, but willing them not to fall. She took a deep breath letting it out with a sigh, "You know Mom I was thinking that maybe I don't even want to see Daddy anymore. I mean I have fun when we go out but when he breaks promises it makes me sad and I don't like feeling sad."

"I don't think he means to make you feel bad I just think-"

"Well I was thinking that Dad could adopt me. He does everything with me anyway and it's not fair that I don't have everyone else's last name."

A tear slipped down my cheek and I looked past Lily to the man that she's considered her father all along. There were tears in his eyes but I couldn't tell if they were tears of joy over what she had just said about him or fear over how she might react to this news. No words were forming in my head, so I shook my head at him prompting him to jump in. "Something happened to your dad Munchkin..."

"Did he go to jail again? Because I know that he goes to jail and you guys don't tell me."

"No sweetie he's not in jail. He...Your dad, he got sick and the doctors and the nurses tried really hard to help him." I watched her face drop. I saw the tears start to roll down her cheeks. She knew, he didn't even have to say it and she knew, "He passed away yesterday." Then I saw it...The blank stare. The same blank stare I had when I saw those ambulances on my street all those years ago. The tears stopped and she just looked at the wall not saying anything. Handling it the exact same way I did.

I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, vowing to be different then my mother in this situation. I had to let her know that I loved her and that I'm here for her to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, whatever she needs. Everything that I didn't have. "He loved you so much Lily, you have to know that."

"Did he die from the drugs?"

Knife in the heart. All this time and I thought we all did a really good job hiding it from her, but clearly I thought very wrong. My gut instinct was to lie to her and make her think it was something else, but no matter what I said I knew that she knew the truth, so I sucked it up and told her the truth. Then the three of us sat there for more hours then I remember letting her cry, letting ourselves cry every now and then, until we all fell asleep. Vacation was over. Hell had begun...again.

***

"So I guess I understand why you didn't go to college..." I was now sitting next to him on the couch with one leg tucked under me. We'd finally gotten over the initial shock of being in front of one another and he had gotten me a bottle of water and some crackers and cheese to munch on.

"Yeah, I'm well...A little busy to say the least."

"What's it like to be Justin Timberlake?"

"See," he popped a piece of cheese in his mouth, "That question right there was why I never told you who I was. You already know what it's like to be me. All of this," he motioned around the room with his hands, "this is just work. You know the real me."

"So your work has absolutely no effect on your real life whatsoever?"

"Well...I guess when you put it that way..."

"I think my article is shot to hell," I laughed after a few moments of silence, pointing to my notebook and pen that I hadn't picked up since telling him to spill his guts to me.

"Are you kidding me? If there's anyone out there that can write an incredible article on me, it's you. You've got all of the inside info!"

"I wouldn't do that," I was shaking my head almost as if to reassure him that I wouldn't out him like that, "Whatever this is that we've got going on here its...its special to me, I'm not about to write an article on it. Though I guess I could officially write a truthful article on the fact that you are cootie free!"

He let out a chuckle looking down at his hands that were sitting in his lap. The pressure was off sure, but the awkwardness still hung in the air. Where do we go from here? What happens now? Remember how we were fighting with each other does that just go away? All questions that I wanted to ask but couldn't build up the guts to do it. I was looking around the room when the clearing of his throat snapped me out of my daze, "Hey Soph?"

"Yeah?"

"This whole knowing each other thing...That's not going to mess us up is it?"

"God I hope not," the words came out of my mouth before my thought even finished processing.

"Good because these past few months when it's been weird has kind of sucked major ass."

I let out a loud laugh putting my hand quickly over my mouth, "I'm glad we both agree."

"Are you happy?" The look on his face told me that he didn't mean to actually ask the question, but the way he was looking at me confirmed that he really wanted to know the answer.

"Like right this second?"

"I don't know, just in general."

I opened my mouth to say yes, but it would be a lie. He's the only person that I've never lied to and I didn't want to start now, "I'm trying..."

He stood up holding his hand out to pull me up as well, "Lets go get some dinner and then we can write your article, how does that sound?"

"That sounds great," I smiled my first real smile in a long time as he pulled me in for a hug.

"I'm really sorry about your dad Soph."

My heart dropped into my stomach. It had been 5 years since anyone said something like that to me, and while we talked about it often actually hearing him say it, and feeling him mean the words hit me like a ton of bricks, "It's been so long, why do you say that now?"

"Because I can hug you now. Before you just had to trust that I was sorry, and now you can know for sure."

"Thank you...You don't know how much that means to me."

"Oh but I do. This may be the first time we've actually met, but I know you," he pinched my cheeks playfully before placing a kiss on my forehead, "Come on...let's go chat about this husband of yours and try to figure out how to not break your kid into a million little pieces."

"I will not break my kid!"

"You are right, now that I'm involved you will not break your kid."

"You're an asshole you know that right?"

"You've mentioned it once or twice..." 

I didn't think I'd be able to do it. To be a better mother to my daughter then my own was to me. For the first couple of days I wasn't. I could barely look at her and I pawned her off onto my husband. On that third day though he sat me down and put me in my place. He wasn't nice about it, but I understood that it was the only way to get through to me.

"This has to stop Soph. She needs you."

"She has you..." I pulled the covers over my head so that I was now completely under them. The wake is tonight and I just can't bring myself to go. How was I supposed to watch my child go through this?

"You're her mother," he said pulling the covers back.

"And you're her father!"

"Soph get up right now."

"I'm not going!"

"SOPHIA!" A shiver ran through my body so strong that I physically shook as tears pooled at the bottom of my eyes. He sat down on the bed placing a kiss softly on my forehead. "She needs you," he said again, this time in a more soothing tone. "I don't know what this is like. I can't be everything she needs as much as I wish I could be, for you and for her. Don't be like your mom Soph..."

"I don't know how to take her pain away I-I just-I just don't know how to make this better or easier or anything. I don't understand why this is happening..."

"Come here," he reached his hand out for me to take pulling me up to sit next to him. I put my head on his shoulder brushing the tears that were now falling away with my thumbs. "You can't take her pain away, and I know that's hard for you to hear but you can't. You know firsthand that you can try and push it away as hard as you can...convince yourself that it doesn't hurt anymore but it always will. Just let her know that she's not alone. Be everything you wish your mother was."

"I'm really bad at this."

"Hey...Look at me," instinct had me turn to look up at him, his eyes sad. "I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again. You are-"

"I'm not," I cut him off and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"Never."

Sometimes he treated me more like a father then a husband. Sometimes I need that. "Okay." I sighed standing up, trying to mentally prepare myself for the state my daughter was in.

"You're not in this alone this time Sophie. I'm right here."

***

"So let’s see the bling!" We were sitting at a back table inside Villa Blanca, a restaurant that I've passed a million times but wouldn't even dream stepping foot into. A side salad was $18 and I can only imagine how much a full meal would cost, but I don't let my eyes roam to that side of the menu afraid I'll see something I really wanted but I know I can't afford.

"It-It's not real or anything," I said lifting my left hand to his, "It's the best he could do though."

"Who cares if it's real or not, it's the meaning behind it that matters right?" He looked up at me smile plastered on his face but I saw right through him. He knows we got married because I was pregnant. He knows deep down we're not really in love. He knows but he's trying to make it seem like he doesn't and that he's happy for me, but I know him too well, and I know that that smile is a lie.

"I see right through that smile you know that right?" I pulled my hand back closing the menu as the waitress walked over to us with our drinks.

"Ready to order?"

I looked up at her with a smile. Her white blouse hugged her slender frame in all of the right places, making her look like a model rather than a waitress. Although I guess she could be a model too, we are in Hollywood after all. I placed my hand on my growing stomach wishing I looked like that, not that I ever did in the first place but knowing I was just going to get bigger and bigger as the months went on only made me feel worse. "I'll just have the garden salad with vinaigrette on the side please."

She nodded like this wasn't an abnormal order. Like a side salad would fill me for days. "And for you sir?"

He let out a heavy sigh nodding to himself while closing his menu, "I'll have the rib eye cooked rare, broccoli instead of the mashed with a salad on the side and she'll have the same," he said pointing to me with his eyes, "Cooked well."

"Justin I-" I started to protest but he cut me off.

"Cooked well," he emphasized, "For the baby."

"But I can't-"

He reached across the table tapping my hand with his, "Just shut up okay?"

I quickly closed my mouth that was about to fight and nodded with a smile to the waitress, and she quickly turned away probably sensing the tension at the table. "Look I know you're Mr. Hollywood and everything but I can't afford a fucking rib eye Justin."

"It's not like you're paying anyway. Would you just smile and say thank you?"

"Why are you doing this?" I asked giving him a slight attitude.

"Why are you doing this?" he shot back at me, "I didn't think you'd carry over the sassiness to real life...Let me buy you a steak it's not that big of a deal!"

He looked angry and it made me feel like shit. I could be that person that blames my mood swings on being pregnant but we all know that's a lie. I was moody because I was uncomfortable. I wasn't expecting this to happen today...I wasn't expecting this to happen ever. And now we're here at this fancy restaurant that my broke ass shouldn't have ever stepped foot in and he's Justin Timberlake for God's sake! "Sorry this is just...not normal for me and it makes me antsy."

"Well chill out. It just me."

"But that's half the problem!"

I watched him sigh, slouching in his chair across from me. "Remember that time in like the sixth grade that you had a crush on your history teacher, convinced yourself that he was in love with you and tried to put a move on him after school?"

"Oh my God shut up no one knows about that but you!"

"It's just me Soph," he said again looking around the restaurant, "All of this extra Justin Timberlake shit doesn't matter. It just Justin, your best friend that you tell everything to. Including a failed attempt at sexually assaulting a 30 year old man at the age of 10."

"I hate you," I laughed throwing my napkin across the table at him, "Point proven."

"So can I buy you a steak or are you going to be a bitch about it?"

"You can buy me a steak," I replied with a smirk, "But I can't promise I won't be a bitch."

"I wouldn't expect anything less..."

***

"Hey Mom?"

I snapped out of the daze I was in shifting my blank stare from the road in front of me to my daughter sitting behind me in the car. We dropped Ty off at his grandparents’ house a few minutes ago and we are now on our way to the funeral home. I talked to Lily before we left and was surprised to find that she was a whole lot more open to talking about this then I ever was with my own father and with Jay. I guess it's a good thing though, her being able to discuss her feelings and really reason with herself. It's something I wish I was able to do then and sometimes even to this day. "Yeah sweetie?"

"Do I have to go up to the casket?"

"Not if you don't want to Lil. Remember what I said if you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to do something or you want to leave just let us know okay?"

"Did you go up to your Daddy's casket?"

I threw my head back on the headrest as we stopped at a red light trying to compose myself before answering her. Everything that has happened over the past three days has just had all of these memories flooding back into my brain and as much as I wanted to push them aside, I couldn't do it sometimes. Right now was one of those moments. Truth was, I didn't go up to my father’s casket but I wish to this day that I did. I wish that I got to see him one last time. I wish that I got to say goodbye. I wish that my last memory of him was not his dead body being rolled out of my house covered by a white sheet. I wish I went up to my father’s casket, but I can't make her do something she doesn't want to and I don't want my answer to persuade her one way or the other. "No, I didn't." I couldn't lie to her as much as in this moment I wish that I could.

"But that doesn't mean you shouldn't if you want to."

"I'm scared." It came out as a very soft sob followed by a sniffle.

I let a tear slide down my cheek. This whole time I've been trying to hold them back. Trying to stay strong for her but I couldn't anymore. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that me not showing any emotion was probably making this harder for her. It probably made her feel like she shouldn't be crying about it either. One tear was followed quickly by another until I couldn't control them anymore. I placed my face in my hands and just cried like a baby. I cried because I didn't want her to go through this, and because I couldn't figure out how to make this easier for her. And I cried because I didn't want to go through this again, and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to come out of this as strong as I did the last time. Because the last time I only had myself to worry about, and now I have a 10 year old that is going to depend on me for support and I'm not even sure I can support myself. 

***

"So what happens after the baby is born?"

I rolled my eyes pushing my fork through the piece of tirimisu we were sharing, "All hell breaks loose?"

"Come on you must have some sort of plan. I mean are you going to finish school? Are you guys going to live alone? What about your mom will she help you?"

"She still doesn't know I'm married, and it's hard enough to get her use to this idea of a baby so I'm sure once she finds out I've gone and got myself a husband without her knowledge I doubt she'll be in any mood to help me."

"I bet she'll pull through at some point," he said pulling the fork out of his mouth, "She is your mother and all..."

"Oh yeah and she's always been so supportive!" My voice was laced with sarcasm.

He let out a laugh tilting his head to the side and nodding, "You're a strong person Soph."

"I'm a mess Justin..."

"Doesn't mean you're not strong." He put his fork down on the plate and reached his hand out to place on top of mine, "The shit you've gone through...I don't care how messed up you are most people wouldn't be able to come out of it with any sense of normalcy and here you are. I mean sure you fuck up...Christ you fuck up more than anyone I know but you figure it out ya know? And your fuck ups are so..." he took a breath figuring out how to word it so that I didn't start screaming at him because he knew the bitching was coming if he didn't say it the right way, "You learn from it all. They're not fuck ups that land you in jail or dead they just-"

"Leave me with a child and a husband?" I said cutting him off.

"They're fuck ups that make you a stronger person. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a child right now, and I can only imagine how hard it is for you to think about and figure out, but I know you will. You'll figure it out and you'll be an amazing mother because that's the kind of person you are..."

"You have a few screws loose if you think I'm going to be an amazing mother."

"You'll see," he said picking the fork back up and taking another bite. He was looking out the window behind me nodding, "you'll see."

I shook my head and let it go. He seemed so sure, but he can't convince me. We sat in silence for a while just finishing up our dessert and I knew once he looked at his watch that our time together was coming to an end. Then the questions started in my head again. Will I ever see him again? Where does this go from here? What happens next? "I'm scared..." I said it in my head but my brain wouldn't stop it from coming out of my mouth. "I'm-I'm scared that-"

"You'll be fine Soph. I'd be scared too if I was having a kid but-"

"No," I cut him off, "I mean sure I'm scared about the baby and the whole husband thing but...I'm scared about us. I mean now what?"

"Now we go meet your husband," he replied without thinking twice.

"That's not what I mean, you...you know what I mean."

He took a sip of his coffee placing it down in front of him before swirling it on the table and looking up at me, "I have a house in LA you know..."

"So you...you want to like-"

"Be friends? Yes Soph I want to be friends obviously. I mean...we're already friends we're...we're best friends and I'm scared about our relationship changing too but I didn't even realize I wanted this but I do I-I want this. I mean if you do."

"I don't know if you can handle real life Sophia," I said with a smile, thankful that he wanted the same thing I did.

"I'm sure I can't, but I want to try."

"Okay," I replied finishing my water and standing up, "okay then...then let’s go meet my husband I guess..."

She's been standing there for some time now. It was the third time she went up to the casket since we got here two hours ago. First she asked me to go up with her, and the second time she asked her dad. Both times she was there for a good amount of time. She didn't say anything, just looked at him with a blank stare. I'd imagine it's exactly what I looked like that day I saw my father being rolled out of my house. This time she was up there alone. I stared at the back of her head for a long time before I blinked away and looked around seeing everyone else doing the same thing. She was his only child, and I know as well as everyone else knew that deep down inside he loved her. His addiction just got the best of him.

My gaze turned back to her as she reached her hand up to touch the side of the casket and bowed her head. I wasn't sure if she was praying or crying until I saw her shoulders start to go up and down. Instinct took over and I stood up from my seat in the back row of the funeral home and was met with my husband doing the same thing. "I've got it," he whispered looking at me with pity in his eyes.

I shook my head putting my hand on his arm, "She needs me..." He nodded placing a kiss on the side of my head before letting me out of the row and sitting back down. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me as I walked up to her but made it a point to not turn around. As much as I wished that they didn't know about my father, they all did, and I couldn't stand to see the look of pity on people’s faces, or the look of disappointment on others, blaming me for doing the same thing to my child that my mother did to me. I put my hand on her back and placed a kiss on the top of her head. She looked up at me, plastering a fake smile on her face, the kid was more like me then I ever could have imagined.

"I'm okay Mommy," she said to me before looking back down at the casket. She hasn't called me that for years, since the day it became uncool for a kid to call their parents anything but Mom and Dad.

Bending down I moved a piece of hair that was in her face behind her hair, "It's okay to be sad you know...I'm sad."

"Why are you sad? You and Daddy were divorced."

"That doesn't mean I don't love him sweetheart. Without him, I wouldn't have you; it's just a different kind of love."

"It's not like how you love Dad?" 

"It's a little different. One day you'll understand the difference."

"I'm sad but I don't want everyone to see me cry," she whispered after a few moments of taking in what I said, "I want to cry because I'm sad that Daddy is gone and because I'm scared that you and Dad are going to leave me too," she looked at me with tears welling up in her eyes.

"Listen to me," I said brushing tears off of her face with my thumbs, "If you feel like you need to cry then it shouldn't matter that people can see you. And nobody is going to leave you. Your daddy didn't leave you either, he would never chose to do that on purpose. This is not your fault."

"But...I said that I didn't want to see him anymore and then he died! I didn't mean it Mommy; I was just so mad that he wasn't going to take me out again after he promised!"

"Lily," I started trying like hell to hold back tears that were threatening to fall, "Your daddy had an addiction. It had nothing to do with you."

"I don't want him to be dead!" She threw her arms around my neck and started sobbing on my shoulder. I've never felt so helpless before in my life. There was absolutely nothing I could do to bring him back and nothing I could say at this moment to make her feel better. The minute you find out your having a child, and even more so that moment you see that child for the first time, no matter who you are, as a mother you vow to that child to never hurt them, and to protect them from everything, and at this moment I'm failing her. The only thing I could do what hold her and let her cry and it was literally breaking my heart to see her in so much pain.

"Your daddy loved you very, very much. I don't want you to ever think differently. And you know that I love you very much too right?"

"Yeah," she whispered backing away and rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand, "And Dad, and Ty."

"Mmhm. We all love you, and we all know that this is very hard for you, and it's hard for us too. So it's okay to be sad okay? It's okay to be sad, it's okay to cry, and it's okay to wish that this didn't happen. I know it hurts a lot baby, if anyone knows how much this hurts it's me, but you'll get through this I promise. We'll all get through this together."

She nodded her head hugging me again before looking at the casket for a few seconds, "I love you too Mommy," the words came out while she was still looking at her father. He loved her...I know deep down he did. All of the awful things he did to me, none of it mattered when it came to her because he loved her. She knew that he did too, but just like me, she was mad at him. Because even though this wasn't her fault, the person that he hurt the most was Lily. "I'm gonna go sit with Grandma okay?"

"Okay sweetie," I stood up brushing my hand down her hair and watched her walk back before turning back to the casket. I knew from day one this was a possibility, but for some reason I just never imagined it happening...again.

***

"Quit fidgeting, it's not that serious..."

"It's not that serious? I'm about to introduce my...my...PERSON to my husband. Not to mention the fact that said person is Justin freakin Timberlake. I'm not entirely sure how he's going to react to that one!"

"I like how you say that...your person. Makes me feel so important."

"Really? That's what you got out of that sentence? He's going to flip Justin."

"You got over it. Look I'm use to people flipping out, they get over it and all is well with the world again."

"It's not...it's not that," I stopped walking just as we hit the entrance to my apartment and sat down on the sidewalk with my face in my hands.

"Hey," I felt a hand go to my back as I sucked in a breath, "Soph, we don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"I'm sorry," I said leaning into him when he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, "It's just that...I don't know I guess he's a jealous person and I'm not sure that he'd appreciate this."

"Okay, its okay," I let a couple of tears fall but brushed them away quickly as he said it. It's not that I didn't want them to meet; it was just that I was afraid Jay would think I was a slut and hit me again. And we're married now so it's not like I can just walk out, but I can't have him hit me while I'm pregnant again. "Why don't we just hang out and write your article. I'll even give you some quotes I wouldn't normally give people just to secure you that job. How does that sound?"

"Yeah, I'd like that," I replied after a few moments looking up at him. "Sorry about all of this, I told you I was a mess."

"It's okay. You're a beautiful mess..."

~

"So with that last rubber ducky statement I think you'll be good to go for the article."

"Shut up," I laughed looking up at him sitting at the piano across the room. We got up after a few minutes of sitting in front of my apartment about four hours ago, got in Justin's car and he just drove not telling me exactly where we were going. I didn't ask until we pulled onto Mulholland Drive and began our assent up the Hollywood Hills, and it was then that he informed me that we were going to his house. It was enormous. His kitchen was the size of my entire apartment. I wanted to explore, and be shocked but I knew I had to play it cool which I did, until he showed me the studio in his basement which is where we've been this whole time.

We wrote my article together and he showed me all of his awards and platinum records. He attempted to show me how to work a soundboard and I watched him work on a song for one of the artists signed to his record label. He then took a seat behind the baby grand piano and I sat down on the couch across from it to start to edit the article while he fooled around on the piano. I didn't take the fact that I was sitting here lightly. For the past two months all I've been reading about was about his life and his career. I know people would pay and exorbitant amount of money to be sitting where I'm I am right now, just shooting the shit while Justin Timberlake sat behind a piano probably composing his next number one hit. I looked up from my notes after he went back to the song and smiled. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel scared, that is until I think about being questioned by Jay when I get home. I looked up at the clock on the wall, 8:30; he's not going to be happy. "I should probably go," I said closing my notebook and hating the fact that this had to end.

He followed my eyes to the clock and nodded, "Come sit for a second," he motioned next to him on the piano bench, "Then I'll get you back to your hubby." I stood up, rubbing my stomach that began to growl as I did and went to sit down next to him. He nudged me with his shoulder when I sat down smiling as his fingers ran over some keys on the piano. "Hungry?"

"A little bit. I've never eaten this much before in my life. I think my kids going to be the fattest baby ever."

"Fat babies are the cutest in my opinion."

"If this baby isn't cute I might give it back."

"No you won't," he said closing his eyes while he started playing a melody, "plus, the baby won't be ugly."

He kept playing for a while, then started humming along and I started getting curious, "New song?"

"Hm? Oh well...not really," he shook his head but kept playing. "Just something that came to me while we were sitting here, it's probably nothing."

"Is this how you write all of your music?"

"Sort of. I need inspiration to write. I can't just sit down with a pen and make something up; it doesn't feel right to me." I nodded and watched the master at work. I could see him getting lost in the melody, his eyes would look up and he'd mouth words and when he thought he got it just right he'd sing them aloud. "And what a beautiful mess...this is..." It was bits and pieces, never a full verse or a full chorus, "Your style is quite selective but your mind is rather reckless..." And after about ten or fifteen minutes of this I realized that he was an idiot if he thought this was nothing, "There's no shame in being crazy..." And I also realized that I just witnessed all I needed to secure my place at Rolling Stone.

***

"Soph," I jolted up from where I was sleeping next to Lily on her bed, "Come on, come to bed..." I looked down at my sleeping daughter, curled up in a ball holding onto a stuffed giraffe and kissed her forehead before I grabbed his hands and let him pull me up off of the bed. We walked silently hand in hand to our bedroom where I immediately curled up next to him as he wrapped his arm around me. Letting out a deep sigh I placed a kiss on his exposed chest and he returned one to the top of my head. "She's going to be okay," he whispered rubbing my back.

It's been two weeks since I started lying with her in bed every night to get her to stop crying and go to sleep. She's really strong during the day, especially in front of her brother and her friends, and we try to keep her occupied to take her mind off of it, but once she gets into bed and has a second to think she loses it. It's something I never did. It's something I wish I was able to do so that I could get all of my feelings out. It's something I'm glad she's doing. I just wonder how long is too long, when does this turn into something that is not normal? "What time do you leave tomorrow?" I asked avoiding the statement as to not worry him into thinking this isn't normal to.

"My flights at eleven."

"Okay, are you all packed?"

"Yeah..." He trailed off and I attempted to fall asleep, but just like every day this week I wasn't able to. Not because I didn't want to, but because all I could think of was how I didn't think I'd be able to handle the situation I'm in without him for a week and a half. I could just tell him not to go, he'd cancel his plans even though he's signed contracts if I need him here, but I'm out to prove to him and more importantly to myself that I'm strong enough to do this on my own. "Do you want me to stay?" He asked after I sighed for what was possibly the hundredth time.

I shook my head saying no quickly, "We'll be fine. Go to work babe."

"You'll call if you need me right? I'll be on the next flight..."

"I'll call even if I don't need you."

"She's going to be okay," he said again, as if to reassure himself that him leaving for work was the right thing to do. Or maybe he was questioning if this was starting to get abnormal too.

This was weighing down a lot on us. We tried so hard to make everything be as normal as possible, and we did when it came down to Lily. But when it was just us...that was a different story. Our conversations always focused on her, the romance was dying, and our sex life was non-existent. Our lives were completely revolving around her. Both of us knew this was going down a road that it shouldn't, but neither one of us had the power to stop it because neither one of us wanted to be the one to hurt her more then she already was.

***

He didn't even say anything before he hit me the second I walked in the door. No questions were asked, no degrading comments were spit at me. Just a hard fist right in the face the minute the door opened. I wondered how long he had been standing there for before I got home. I wondered what it would take to convince me to leave. I could taste blood in my mouth, but I didn't say anything. I just looked down at the floor with one hand on my stomach and the other one clutching my notebook. I didn't fight back for fear of it being worse for the baby if I did. I shouldn't have lied to Justin. I should have been honest when he asked if Jay had ever hit me. But I said no because I didn't want him to think less of me, and also because I knew he wouldn't let me go back and I couldn't be pregnant, married, and divorced before I even hit legal drinking age. So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I said no to Justin, and I walked past Jay like nothing about what just happened was wrong directly to my computer.

Dear Justin...

Jay doesn't know about Justin. Jay doesn't even know that I've been writing letters back and forth to the same person for 10 years, never mind that he's not only a male but a celebrity. I don't want Jay to know about Justin, but keeping the information from him has been getting harder and harder. It's been 3 months since I found out that Justin was...Justin. We still talk often but I've only seen him once since our first meeting. Partially because he's been traveling and partially because I'm petrified of what Jay would do to me if he found out.

The hitting has continued, but it's happening less and less often. The E-Mail's to Justin have continued as well, but they're getting less and less truthful. I know if I tell him my family will be broken apart and I can't have that. I just got my mother on board with all of this, and in less then 4 months I'm going to be a mother myself, family needs to come first.

I skipped class today due to the fact that my feet were so swelled up this morning that I could barely stand up without wobbling. Jay says I'm a complainer and that I'm looking for attention. I let it go in one ear and out the other and not let it bother me because he just doesn't understand. So I moped around in bed until about noon when I was finally able to stand up normally and then I started to clean the house for two reasons. One, because Jay liked a clean house and since we officially moved in together to a new apartment he's been on my ass about keeping up with the cleaning, and two, because my mother was coming to visit tomorrow.

It's taken a lot for my mother and me to get to the place where we are at in our relationship. I've never asked her to be happy for me, or think that what I've done is right. I just need her there to support me and just not hate me. I can almost hear her roll her eyes at me over the phone sometimes, but it's better then not talking on the phone at all.

My music was blaring which is probably the reason why I didn't hear the doorbell ringing. I did however hear the loud pounding on the door and immediately turned the stereo off. I looked up at the calendar hanging on the wall to make sure I wasn't going crazy and that my mother was suppose to arrive today. When I confirmed my brain was still firmly planted in my head I figured she just came a day early and wobbled as quickly as I possibly could to the front door to greet her. "Well you're a day..."

"Hi..."

I looked up expecting to see my mother's smiling face looking at me, but found blue eyes that were not hers instead. "What...How? I moved..."

"I know I went to your old apartment. Your roommate told me your new address."

"You what? Jesus so much for privacy...and wait you yourself went?"

"It doesn't matter the point is--"

"The point is that you're stalking me Justin! You can't be here...you have to leave!"

"I'm not leaving Soph unless you come with me."

I shook my head looking down at the floor, "I-I-I can't come with you. I don't..." I trailed off knowing damn well that if I said I didn't want to it would be a lie, and lying in an E-Mail is way easier then lying to a person's face.

"You do want to," he said lifting my face up to meet his eyes with his finger, "Soph, I can't let you stay here."

"You don't know what I want Justin, and you don't know what it's like here so maybe you should just butt out and leave! What gives you the right to...to just show up and act like you're my father?"

"I know you and I know you don't want to be here but you're afraid to leave, so I'm going to make you leave whether you like it or not."

"You're a fucking crazy person! You have no clue what you're talking about," I replied getting more and more uncomfortable by the second.

"I KNOW THAT HE HITS YOU!" He screamed so loud I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood heard him, and his face was turning all shades of red. He cared. He's cared for 10 years. He's been the only one that's really cared and all I could do was stand there and push him away.

"Justin...he doesn't...I just don't..." I shook my head tears welling up at the bottom of my eyes, "I can't go with you...you just need to leave."

***

"Mom is Lily going to be okay?"

"She's just a little upset buddy she'll be okay eventually," I replied patting him on the head as I cleared the dishes from the kitchen table.

"She doesn't play with me anymore, and yesterday on the bus she was crying."

She wasn't even hiding it anymore. I've been dealing with this for two weeks on my own and it's getting worse and worse. She quit talking to me about anything, my five year old spy has been reporting that she's been losing it not only on the bus but even in school, and her teachers have called suggesting counseling. As much as I was trying to hold myself together for my family and deal with this situation, it was getting harder and harder to do and I didn't want to admit that we couldn't get through this together. Did it mean I was a failure if she needed counseling? Is she ever going to get back to the happy, bubbly, smiling Lily we all know and love? "I'll tell you what. Why don't you go in the playroom and draw her a really cool picture and I'll go talk to her, deal?"

He opened his mouth to say something when my phone started ringing in front of where he was sitting on the table, "DADDY! Look Mom its Daddy! Can I answer pleeeeease?!"

"Go ahead," I said it with a smile but inside was a different story. Of course I wanted my son to talk to his father who he's been missing for 14 days, but at the same time I didn't want Lily to hear his excitement, and I wanted to be really selfish and talk to him myself.

"HI DADDY! Yeah...No...Yeah...I did my homework already...Mmhmm...She's washing dishes...She's crying in her ro-"

"Give me the phone!" I quickly ran over to my son who looked like he was going to start hysterically crying after I snatched the phone from his hand, "Just...I'm sorry don't cry...I just really need to talk to Daddy okay? Go draw that picture for Lily while I talk to him."

"Fiiiiiiine."

I let out a sigh hitting my forehead with my hand now assuming that I've managed to fuck up both of my children before I put the phone to my ear, "Hi honey..."

"She's crying in her room again? Soph she needs to see someone."

"She's fine...It's just hard. You don't understand it hasn't happened to you. She'll be okay. I can handle this!"

"This is beyond what we can handle it's been over a month and it's just getting worse."

"It's not!" I yelled throwing a pot that I was washing into the sink scaring myself even though I knew it was coming. "It's...it's not," I whispered holding back tears willing them not to fall. 

"I'm coming home. This is getting ridiculous, I should have never left in the first place, not at a time like this and especially not for longer then I had originally planned."

"She's going to be okay, I know she will."

"This isn't just about her anymore Soph. Look at us! All we've been doing is fighting, you are stressed out 24/7, and it's having an effect on Ty, on her schoolwork. We're hurting her more then we're helping her."

"I can't make her talk to someone if she doesn't want to! Plus if she wants to talk she knows she can talk to me. This will pass, it passed for me and it will pass for her."

"It passed for you because you had someone to talk to Soph, someone that wasn't your mother or your friends. It passed because you had someone to listen and not put in there two cents. It doesn't make you a failure as a mother if she sees a therapist. It just means you care enough about her to help her."

I turned the water off and leaned against the kitchen sink with my hand on my forehead. I didn't say anything for a while just took a few deep breaths. He was right, he usually is these days, but I don't want her to hate me for making her go talk to a stranger if she doesn't want to. "I'm going crazy," I whispered letting the tears that have been threatening to fall go, "I don't know how to fix it and sometimes I just want to shake the life out of her so that she'll talk and get through this but I can't. I signed those papers when she was born saying I wouldn't shake her remember?" A small smile creeped onto my face when I said it. How I could joke at a time like this I'm not sure but if it stopped the tears from falling I had to do it.

"I told you not to sign them," he replied with a chuckle.

"Are you sure this doesn't make me a bad parent?"

"I'm sure baby. She loves you no matter what, and whether she's happy about it in the beginning or not, once she gets help she'll understand why we made her do it and she'll thank us. I know you don't want to see her hurting like this, and I don't like to see it either. I also don't like seeing you hurting for her. This will help I promise."

"Okay," I said hesitantly, "I'll call the lady the school counselor recommended."

"I love you Soph, see you in a couple of days okay?"

"I love you too." I put the phone down on the counter, and put my head down on top of my folded arms. She was handling it so well, talking and making sure to tell us if she was sad and then one day she just stopped and it turned into a shit show.

"Am I making you crazy?" I spun around at the sound of Lily's voice to see her standing in the doorway of the kitchen, tears staining her cheeks.

"Oh Lily...no...no sweetie you are not making me crazy," I said practically sprinting over to her and scooping her up in a hug.

"You can shake me if you want to..."

"No baby I don't want to shake you...I didn't really mean that." I backed away brushing some excess tears off of her face, "Come sit on the couch with me okay?" She nodded and held my hand while we walked into the living room. Once we sat down she curled up into a ball and snuggled into my side. I draped my arm around her shoulders placing a kiss on the top of her head. I took a deep breath before speaking, trying to figure out the right words to say, "Are you having a hard time at school Lily?" She didn't say anything, just nodded as she wrapped her arms around my waist. "Are you sad about Daddy?"

"I try not to be," she replied holding on for dear life.

"What do you think about me, you and dad going to talk to someone about it?"

"Do I have to go alone?"

"Not if you don't want to at first, but maybe after a while. It might be easier if me and dad aren't there for you to talk about how you really feel."

"Can I talk to the lady alone so that I don't make you sad too?"

"You can do whatever you want. But Lily, I don't want you to think you can't talk to me because it will make me sad. If you want to talk to me or Dad you can...anytime."

"I know but I--"

"Look Lily I drew you a picture!" Tyler stormed into the room holding up a piece of construction paper with stick figures all over it.

She took the picture out of his hand and looked up at me before smiling back down at Tyler. "Thanks dude," she said patting him on the head, "Maybe we can go to the park and play on the swing set tomorrow if Mom will let us."

"Can we Momma? Can we?" He was jumping now, excited about the possibility of going to the park but I think more so about having his sister back.

I kissed Lily on the head one more time meeting her gaze. I didn't think she'd be open to this but it seems like she's wanted to find a solution to this problem for a while. I shifted back to Tyler who was practically on his knees begging for me to say yes to a play date tomorrow. "Sure," I said motioning for him to give me a kiss on the cheek. He threw his arms around my neck and I soon felt two more sets of arms wrap around me too. This is the life, I thought kissing both of my children as they backed away, praying at the same time that things would be back to normal after Lily got some help so that we could go back to smiles everyday instead of tears.

***

I've never been hit with a ton of bricks so I don't really know what it feels like but I can imagine it feels the same way I do right now as I look beyond Justin's head and see Jay's car pull up in front of the apartment. This is not going to end well if Justin goes all hero on me and tries to start shit with Jay. It won't end well for me, it won't end well for Justin and it certainly won't end well for my unborn child. I had to do something to convince him of this but the only thing I could think of to do was to agree with him and that's the last thing I wanted. So instead of saying anything I let my emotions get the best of me and just started crying. Justin turned to follow my gaze and saw Jay stepping out of the car. I imagined he knew it was him with my reaction and the quick jerk of his head back to look at me made my focus on him again. I tried to form a sentence, anything that would make this situation easier for all of us. I could feel my lips moving but nothing was coming out and I'm sure there was a look of panic in my eyes the minute I saw the look on Jay's face as he started his accent up the steps, "Please..." I whispered looking back at Justin.

"Who's this?" His tone was calmer than I expected it to be, but still came off extremely accusatory.

I opened my mouth to say something, what I wasn't sure but Justin spoke first, "I was looking for Jay uh...Jay...Callahan."

I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I was holding in. I thought for sure he'd just punch him in the face but I guess the tears actually worked, "I'm Jay Callahan, what can I do for you?"

"I uh...you uh...YOU WON! The spend a day with a famous musician contest you entered at USC, you won! Congratulations, it's me...and the day is today!"

"I didn't enter such a contest and today isn't a good day for me sorry..." he trailed off walking past Justin and grabbing my arm all too hard for my liking.

"Well, someone signed you up and I had to rearrange my whole schedule for this so it looks like you're stuck with me!" His voice was laced with excitement, but the look he was giving Jay made me think he was going to try to kick the shit out of him.

"Look I don't have the time today okay? And I never signed up for this shit. So take it as a day off and get on with your life!"

"Listen dude, you're stuck with me so why don't you just invite me in and it can be spend a day with a college student day or something. I'm not allowed to leave I signed a contract, and maybe you could loosen your grip on your girl, you're being a little rough with her don't you think?"

I looked down and watched Jay release my arm before looking back up at Justin. "I don't understand why you can't just leave..."

"And I don't understand why you can't just let me in..."

He kept looking back between Justin and me. Once, twice, three times before he rolled his eyes and let out a breath, "Whatever dude, this is stupid, just come in I guess." He turned around and walked into the house. I said a silent thank you to whatever God was listening before looking up at Justin pleading with my eyes to just keep his mouth shut.

"Please..."

"You said that already," he whispered giving me a dirty look, "Just go in the house...this isn't over."