Chapter 1

The misty dawn peaked through the windows one gloomy Tuesday. The light outlined the figure of a young man fretting under the navy covers. His deep set piercing blue eyes were closed, unbeknownst to the world around him temporarily. Stubble lined his roundish face; he hadn’t shaved in several days because he’d stayed home and saw no reason to clean up. His almost jet black hair was a color decision made after seeing his first gray hair a few years ago.

Life hadn’t turned out the way JC Chasez had planned. His first attempt at releasing a solo cd fell to pieces due to lack of support at the record label and a manager who didn’t help matters. A few years later he started a second called ‘Kate’. The record label made it clear they wouldn’t help him release it. That shot his confidence. He didn’t want to repeat the ordeal of the first record, so he decided to abandon the project. He switched over to acting and judging a TV dance competition. Even that had fallen through after he got into several arguments with one of the other judges and decided to leave on a whim. The past few months, he’d fallen into a depression, choosing not to deal with the reality of a career in shambles. He struggled getting out his bed day after day, not seeing the point of living. Even with all the luxuries of what little celebrity he had left, he felt lonely and isolated.

He let out a low cough. This triggered a machine gun like chain of a coughing fit that seemed to originate from somewhere deep inside. He awoke, struggling to breathe. He’d woken up like this several times recently. He figured it was only allergies; usually the attacks happened when he first woke up or was trying to sleep. He knew he should get it checked out, but didn’t want to. Everything else had gone wrong lately; he didn’t need anything else on top of it these days.

After the fit subsided, he lay still and glanced at the increasingly gray and dull view outside his window. I don’t want to get up. It’s too dark out there. It does match my mood, though.

 His buzzing iPhone jarred him out of his thoughts. He glanced at the number that belonged to his friend and manager, Eric. I’m not talking to you right now, dude. Eric could be the nicest person on earth at times but he had an insufferable temper and aggressive streak. JC was convinced he had somewhat to do his shattered career. But because of his docile nature, Eric stuck around. JC was terrible at confrontation and avoided it at all costs.

He ran his hand across his prickly face. He usually liked to keep a clean shaven look and the length would have normally not gotten this long. Come on Chasez, you can do this. Get up and look like a decent human being for once. He yawned and stretched. Slowly his feet met the floor and then his body stood vertical. That’s it. Now get to the bathroom.

 One long shower and a shaved face later, JC felt a little bit better. That’s the way it is with me these days. Once I do something productive, I usually feel okay. Yet getting there is near impossible. He decided to head downstairs to attempt song writing on his piano. 

He went downstairs to his living room. The TV was still on from last night He didn’t remember it being on; however his memory proved hazy these days. The sound was turned down and appeared to be on some kind of tabloid news show. This baffled him even more; he hated the paparazzi with a passion and they were part of the reason he didn’t want to be in the spotlight anymore. He shrugged and sat down at the piano.

 All the stars come out for last night’s premiere of the new action flick “Valley of the Sun”. Cast members including Tom Cruise, Minka Kelly, Chase Crawford and Kent Timbrook signed autographs for fans and posed for photographs. Kent seemed particularly excited for the release. “This role is a bit of a departure for me. I get to play the bad guy!” He said with a laugh.

 Kent Timbrook? Why does that name sound familiar? JC had met Kent a few times during different industry events. He felt neutral about the guy. The conversation hadn’t gone much past the “Hey, what’s up man? How’s life?” spiel. He had a sister, too. What was her name? Jennifer? No. Jenna.

He remembered Jenna. She was one of the few people who believed in ‘Kate’. She worked in the public relations department at Jive. They’d talked about his inspiration and she understood why he took the sound in a particular direction. He wanted make an album with substance and find new ways to present trite concepts. She was the new one in the office and outnumbered so it didn’t override the majority. But he was thankful for her faith. If only he could find her now. He’d never really fully voiced his appreciation for her.

 If only more people like Jenna existed in the record business. Most of the people at Jive wanted him to conform to what was on the radio so they could make oodles of money. JC didn’t believe in that. There wasn’t enough emphasis on voice and too much on one repetitive hook that would get stuck in your head for days on end. Not everyone wanted that. Why couldn’t you something that was aurally pleasing but also made you think? Instead of saying “I hate you because you hurt me”, why not say “I loved you all the way until yesterday”? JC knew he was dreaming. Even if fans like that existed, he didn’t have the resources or the desire to produce the record anymore. He didn’t want his dreams trampled on a third time. Might as well go see what Eric wants. 

Chapter 2

JC stepped into his Mercedes-Benz a half an hour later. He needed to get away from the deafening silence of his mansion and Eric wanted to do lunch. They hadn’t seen one another since JC quit the TV show a few weeks ago. JC knew he would be bombarded with questions about why he left; he’d been avoiding this meeting for that specific reason. Alas, he couldn’t do it forever. Maybe Eric would get off his back after today. He sighed. Yeah, like that’s going to happen. He’s part of the reason I feel this way right now.

Eric had a brilliant mind; his master’s degree was in Business Management from Stanford. Then how could someone so smart be such a douche? He hadn’t done JC any favors as his manager; the guy had gotten into numerous heated arguments with record executives over the content of Schizophrenic. One executive in particular thought the album was “too sexy and no one wants to buy a sex record from a washed out boybander”. Eric has cursed the guy out while pointing out the record was not just about sex; JC had also written songs about the many facets of relationships. He wished Eric hadn’t been so abrasive about making his point; after that conversation, things really seemed to go downhill.

I thought I was getting out of the house to get my mind off my troubles. Yet at every corner, something reminded him of the crushing depression. Sometimes he felt like a prisoner inside his own mind. No matter what he did, he couldn’t break open the lock on the mental door because of the illness. That’s what others didn’t understand. Clinical depression wasn’t cured with a mere snap of a finger.  At times, it was a war to do even the simplest of tasks. JC figured Eric wouldn’t understand; his friend always bragged about any accolade he had, however minute.

He groaned. Remind me why I agreed to this again?

You need to get this over with. You need to talk to him. He sighed in resignation and got out of the car.

A lanky guy with disheveled black hair and tanned skin awaited him in front of the little café. He was intensely focused on his iPhone at the moment; JC hoped he wouldn’t check his texts and emails every five seconds but he knew that was not likely.  At times, JC wondered why he kept Eric around as a friend. If he was being truly honest with himself, it was familiarity. It was comfortable and he knew what to expect. He could control the doses of Eric’s personality he could handle. Truth be told, JC didn’t get all that much out of the friendship; the guy was capable of intelligent and undivided conversations every once and awhile, but he couldn’t remember the last time that happened. Months. Maybe even years. One of JC’s biggest problems was confronting people when he wasn’t happy with them. He’d been like that since he could remember; someone had to reach in the darkest places of his being to evoke a reaction.

Eric looked up from his phone. “It’s about time, C! How are ya, man?”

“I’m making it.” They did a one-armed hug. “How about yourself?”

“Oh, just fantastic. I had a date last night.” He flashed that million watt smile that JC was sure had charmed dozens of women in the past.

JC raised an eyebrow. “And?”

“It was great! I see it going somewhere.”

You say that every time. “What’s so different?”

“I don’t know. She’s just special.”

Remind me why I’m here again. The duo sat down at a small table near the back for privacy.

Eric then furrowed his brow. “What the hell were you thinking? You had a good standing on that show aside from the arguments with that doofus judge.”

JC cringed inwardly. Even though he found D-Trix annoying at times, he couldn’t stand others talking bad about him. The disagreements hadn’t been that intense at first, only differences in opinion about the performance. But one day D-Trix contradicted one of JC’s critiques and said “unlike my stuffy colleague here.” He took that the wrong way and that set off an intense barb fest. Even he was surprised after his resignation sunk in. It was almost like he wasn’t in his right mind.  “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You had to be thinking something!”

“Dude, I’m being serious. I don’t know. It was on a whim. D-Trix said the stuffy comment and something snapped inside of me. I’m not entirely sure it had to do with him. Anyway, I left. Why do you need a reason?”

“Well” Eric stated in a matter of fact tone, “As your manager, media outlets have been hounding me for any comments from you regarding this fiasco. The show released a PR statement saying you had ‘creative differences’ but everyone knows that’s the bullshit answer.”

JC shrugged. “I don’t owe anyone an explanation, aside from the people I trust. The public and media don’t fall in that category.”

“You’re a celebrity. You should have known people would notice. Next thing you know, they’ll be writing about you having a stage five mental breakdown or something.”

That enraged JC. Normally, he never paid attention to gossip stories about himself. The last thing he needed was someone worrying about what everyone else thought. What about him? Didn’t Eric care about him as a person? Apparently not. “What if I don’t give a shit, Eric? I’m having a hard time right now. And what’s the first thing you ask me? ‘Why did you do it?’ to get people off your ass. Maybe you should have asked me how I was.”

“I did ask!” Eric snorted.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t one of those genuine ones. There’s a difference.”

Razor sharp silence followed. Eric’s frown showed he wasn’t expecting such hostility. JC felt terrible for his response, but at the same time he had long term resentment that he hadn’t addressed.

“Well, you want to go somewhere to get your mind off it?” Eric finally asked a few moments later.

“Is there any events going on soon?”

Eric raised his eyebrow. “Why?”

JC sighed and took a swing of beer. “If I’m going to tell the public anything about this, it’s going to be on my terms. I haven’t been able to do that in my solo career.”

“Fair enough” He picked up his phone “The Westin Hotel in LA is hosting a gala for music education fundraising tonight. You believe in that stuff.”

“Done. I’ll go.”

“Are you sure?” His tone was softer.

“Yes.” JC answered tersely. Your window of caring closed a long time ago, buddy.

That can’t be right. I don’t have cancer. No, I don’t. I don’t need another stressor. JC had been thinking some form of this on the way home from Dr. Reed’s office. God’s not that cruel, is he? I’m already in shambles emotionally. He couldn’t lose music; it would ruin him. Knowing he couldn’t do the one thing that could comfort him in tragedy would be unbearable. He wouldn’t know who he was anymore. But you don’t know that yet. It could just be strep throat. Intuition told him otherwise. He wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if the mass was cancer. It’d be another dagger in his heart and maybe the final nail in the coffin on his will to live.

The phone buzz snapped him out of his stupor. Not now, dammit. I don’t want to listen to you. Still, he looked and noticed it was Jenna’s number. Oh, it’s her. I thought it was that bastard calling to berate me again. She has perfect timing. He picked up his phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Jenna. How are you?”
“I’m doing alright.” He replied. “And yourself?”
“Not too shabby. So, is that lunch still up for grabs?”
JC smiled. Jenna was interested. He was glad to hear from her; it would be nice to see someone he could stand being around and enjoy their company. “Of course. When’s good for you?”
“Friday afternoon okay? I have an interview at 11 but should be done after few hours.”
“I have an appointment at 10 but the afternoon’s free.” He didn’t need to tell her what type of appointment it was.
“How about 1:30? I’ll call or text if that changes.”
“Sounds good. See you then?”
“Absolutely. Have a good night.”
“You do the same.” They hung up.

That went well. The vibe was strictly professional, with no indication of friendship or romantic undertones. Yet, she must be somewhat interested in reconnecting since she initiated the phone call. Either way, it would be a nice change. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a meal alone with a woman; he missed having a gorgeous sight to look at. He hadn’t had much female company outside of his friends’ girlfriends and his mother and sister. Regardless, he had something to look forward to after that dreaded scope. He doubted he'd tell her anything about that. They were just getting to know each other again; that kind of talk was reserved for emotional investment.

--

JC awoke Friday morning with stuff muscles that refused to move. He didn’t want to get this scope done. He hated doing to the doctor and getting poked at. Hell, once he’d thought an ear thermometer was a needle while on tour overseas in NSYNC’s early days. The guys never let him live that one down. Not that he minded; it was pretty silly. He smiled at the memory. How he wished he could go back to a simple time like that. Sadly, he had more imminent priorities.

He arrived at the doctor’s office a quarter before ten. He hoped this wouldn’t take too long; he’d been instructed not to eat or drink and his throat was scratchy and dry. He put on his Baltimore Orioles cap and sunglasses as a disguise, but he didn’t think he’d get recognized. Still, he didn’t want attention today. He checked in and sat down in the waiting room. Most of the clientele were graying and a median age of 60. Definitely not the target demographic here.

His nerves were shot; the results of this test would change the course of his life. If the spot was benign, he could breathe a sigh of relief. On the other hand, it could be cancer and derail him further emotionally. He felt severely nauseous; he had a hunch the lesion was cancerous. And he’d always been right when he got strong inklings like this. Still, his heart didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to lose his self-identity. God couldn’t be that brutal. Not the all-knowing, all loving God he’d grown up to respect and love? God, I haven’t prayed for years and I’m sorry. All I ask is that you help me. Help me stay calm and trust that you have a plan for me.
“Joshua Chasez” The nurse pronounced his last name like “Cha-say”
In Your name I pray, Amen. JC didn’t even get annoyed at the mispronunciation. He’d heard numerous ones over the years. He stood up and followed her back to one of the exam rooms.

The nurse, Colleen, introduced herself in a curt tone. She was the nurse assisting Dr. Franklin in the procedure. She took introductory information with no indication of friendliness. I’d feel slightly better about this if you were a little nicer. Hopefully Dr. Franklin is nicer than she is. Then she explained the procedure: JC had to drink a numbing agent that would cease feeling in his throat for a short time. Then the doctor would insert a thin camera tube down the esophagus to where the vocal folds were. He’d take a sample and the procedure would be over.

A middle aged yet fit man entered the room a moment later. “You must be Joshua,” He said, extending his hand. “I’m Gavin Franklin, your physician for the day.”
JC shook it. “Pleasure, sir. You can call me JC. Everyone else does.”
“Ah, that’s easy to remember. Just like I remember seeing your face plastered on the walls of my daughter’s bedroom about 15 years ago.”
JC chuckled. “I’m sure she wasn’t the only one.”
Dr. Franklin nodded. “Frankly, I like your voice, too. I’m going to do my best to make sure it’s not damaged.”
The singer smiled sadly. He liked this guy and trusted him now. “Thank you. Are you ready to have me?”
The elder man gestured to the door. “Follow me, if you please.”

JC arrived in another exam room with a gray medical reclining chair and various instruments for the procedure. He spotted a sharp hook-like object next to a slim silver tube. He cringed inwardly at the sight of the hook. A metal tool in your throat that scraped off a piece of your skin. Even with the numbing agent, he didn’t feel comfortable about this. Also, he didn’t like the idea of his throat temporarily paralyzed. But he knew this scope was necessary for his health, so he had to suck it up. He sat down in the chair.
“Fair warning: this stuff will taste extremely bitter. It should last only a moment or so.” Colleen gave JC a cup of clear liquid.
“Will it wear off quickly?” He asked quietly.
“This concoction should last up to a half hour.” The nurse replied indifferently.
Thanks for not easing my mind. “Well, cheers then.” He raised the glass slightly and gulped the solution. That was a mistake. The bitterness overtook his system and almost triggered another coughing attack. And not even 30 seconds later, his throat was numb. The lack of sensation scared him.
“Don’t worry, JC,” Dr. Franklin said while putting on his latex gloves. “This won’t take long. I’ll make it as painless as possible.”
JC nodded and took a deep breath. Breathe in, Chasez. It’ll be alright.
“First, we’ll just use the camera to see what this lesion looks like. That’ll give me an idea of how much skin to take off. Relax and hold still. Open wide.”
Please, God. Be with me now. JC opened his mouth.
Dr. Franklin maneuvered the thin camera down his throat where the vocal folds resided. He frowned. “You have a tumor in there. There’s no doubt about it.”
I don’t know if I want to see it. The screen where the images projects faced away from him so the spot was concealed. I hope it’s not big.
“It looks about a centimeter in size. I don’t know how deeply ingrained it is; test results will reveal that information. Time to get samples.” Dr. Franklin retracted the camera and reached for the shiny metal prick. “You doing okay?”
The patient nodded whole clenching his fists to the chair.
“Okay. You’ll need to hold real still because I’ll have both the camera and this tool in a small space. I don’t want to cause any additional injury.” The doctor then reached down with the camera and prick. Then he scraped off a piece of the tumor and took the tools out. JC was extremely relieved. The procedure was over and he could already notice feeling coming back in his throat.
Dr. Franklin placed the sample in a little dish. “We’ll send this off to testing. It should take about a week to get the full results.”
“What you think it is?” JC asked.
“I think its cancer. Not terribly advanced but it looks like other cancers I’ve seen. I won’t make an official diagnosis until I have the results. I wouldn’t be surprised.”
JC sighed and didn’t respond.
“I hope that’s not the case either, but I’m not going to bullshit you. That’s not my job. I’m supposed to give you the facts with some empathy. Then we figure out the best option together. Sound good?”
The younger man smiled slightly. I’m in good hands. He’ll help me the best he can.
“I’ll see you in a week or so.” The doctor extended his hand.
JC shook it. “Thanks, doctor. I appreciate it.”
“You can call me Gavin if you like. I don’t like to use a title if I don’t have to.”
JC chuckled. I need to get my mind off this ASAP. “Okay, Gavin. I’ll see you.”

At least now I get to see Jenna, JC thought as he got in the car. He longed for a female companion at times. Someone to sooth his inflamed nerves. A warm body to lie next to at night. Hold up, you're just having a meal with her. Let’s not get to the physical stuff so quick. He knew part of that was his sexual frustration and loneliness talking. He'd been single for a few years now; he missed that kind of presence in his life. Either way, he wanted to see her again. He enjoyed their conversations about his music and the industry in general. He thought they were intellectual equals.

He pulled up to Dario’s, a funky lunch joint on the artsy side of town a few hours later. JC had never been there, but Jenna had suggested it and it sounded good. He saw her getting out of her car a few spaces down. She had on chocolate slacks to match her hair and a fuchsia blouse. She was taller than he remembered; he reckoned she was his height. Her locks flowed easily around her shoulders. She was pretty without even trying.
She flashed a white smile his way. “Hey JC. How’s it going?”
“I’m still breathing. How are you?”
“Good.” They hugged quickly. That felt good. I need that more often.
“So, what’s good here?”
“I’m partial to the seafood chowder. It’s unlike anything else I’ve ever had. This place is out of the way for me, but it’s worth it just for that.”
“Ah, I see” JC pulled out her chair for her. “Oh, thanks. It’s been awhile since a man’s done that for me.”
“You’re welcome.” They both sat down.
“Are you working with Eric still?”
JC groaned. “Sadly, yes.”
“Why?”
“I’m too nice to kick out people who hurt me.”
Jenna smiled knowingly. “I see. He was maddening to deal with. Eventually management made me do it all the time because no one else wanted to. He tried to flirt with me, which didn’t work. He was promoting himself, not you.”
The thought of Eric romancing Jenna made JC sick to his stomach. But why? They had barely started to get to know each other again. It wasn’t as if he wanted to date her. “Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. That’s his personality.”
“I want nothing to do with him. So as long as just we go out, we’re cool.”
“Trust me; we don’t hang out all that much. Really, I should tell him to get the hell out of my life because it doesn’t benefit either of us.”
Jenna frowned. “Maybe he likes to one up people and brag about his fortune to make himself feel better.”
“Exactly. He doesn’t care about me. And yet he doesn’t realize that he’s part of the reason my career is the way it is. Maybe without him, the Jive executives wouldn’t have backstabbed me so much.”
“I worked there for two years. Anyone they deemed not useful, they treated them like second class citizens. They had sticks so far up their asses they couldn’t see your talent.”
JC chuckled. “I suppose. I shouldn’t even care. That was, what? Five years ago or something like that? It’s behind me.”
Jenna took a sip of water before responding. “Those people shattered your dreams. They hurt you twice and made you doubt yourself and who you are. It’s not easy to forgive someone who does that.”
Dammit, Jenna. How did you nail that right on the head? “It does. I struggle with confidence even now. It left a permanent scar. And I hate it because I love singing. I love performing and communicating with an audience through my writing. I love the thought of inspiring someone through one of my songs. People said not to let those idiots influence me. But when higher ups threw part of my soul back in my face twice, I took it personally.” He shrugged.
“As you should. I didn’t want to be in the room that day.” Jenna replied. “Jenkins caught on to our friendship and I think he wanted to embarrass us both.”
“I remember you were writing notes that day. What was it, if you doing mind me asking?”
“I don’t remember, to be honest. I wanted to look busy while not watching you getting humiliated in front of all the company bigwigs.”
Wow, she must have cared at least somewhat to do that. It never was anything past business friendship. Their gazes met. Her lips upturned into a slight smile. Yet he could see sadness and concern in her eyes.
“And I ran after you because I wanted you to know that I actually cared and I wasn’t putting on an act.” She continued.
JC shook his head. “I’ve been in this business awhile. I can tell when someone is putting on an act.” Especially dating wise. They all do. “You don’t strike me as the fake type.”
Jenna blushed slightly. “And I still do care. It makes me sad you’ve left music behind. You’re a truly talented being. I wish you knew that. I was drawn by your passion for your work. You really believed in the story and wanted to tell it on your own terms.”
I wish I still had it. Because I was happy then. I knew my purpose on this earth. Now I don’t have one. “I appreciate it, Jenna. But I don’t see that spark being revived anytime soon.”
“Why?”
Where do I even start? She doesn’t need to know I have an impending cancer diagnosis on my hands. “I’ve had a rough time emotionally recently. Let’s just leave it at that.”
She nodded. “I know what’s that’s like. You got my number. I’ll help you when I can.”
Something about her demeanor cracked his lofty walls around his heart. Maybe, just maybe she’s different. Like I said, she doesn’t strike me as a fake. Maybe there was a reason Jenna was put back in his life. Anyway, he enjoyed her company and he wanted her around more often. He smiled. “Thanks. I haven’t heard that often recently.”
“I’ll follow through, I promise.” JC found he couldn’t take his eyes away from hers. Indeed, maybe there was a reason she was here. 

His siblings called him back later that evening. Heather cried and Tyler was quiet for moments afterward. JC swore he may have been choking back a few tears as well. He also talked to Roy again. All of the Chasez clan would arrive the Saturday before the surgery and stay at his house for several days thereafter. It had been awhile since he had overnight company; it would be a nice change. After that, he decided to withdraw for the night. His heart couldn’t take any more conversations like he just had. Having to inform his family he had cancer was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. Everyone else could wait.

The next morning, he sat down at the piano to attempt writing. He couldn’t keep the pain in forever; it would drive him mad. And even though his voice was at risk, he could still write it out, right? Only one way to find out. His usual writing process started with coming up with a snippet of a melody so he had an idea in his head what the mood of the song would be. Then he’d come up with words before merging the two together. Sometimes he’d have to change one or the other until he was satisfied.

Nonetheless, as he sat there, he realized he had nothing. No word in the English language or note in the music universe could describe what he felt at that time. Maybe it was because the news hadn’t fully sunk in yet. The diagnosis was less than 24 hours ago. It hadn’t been a set reality until now. He hadn’t lived with it long enough.

And so, his mind wondered to a certain brunette and the role she would play in his life from now on. Cancer was a frightening thing and would reveal who had true intentions. He didn’t want her to see him violently ill. Or she could decide she didn’t want to stick around for the messy parts. He had no idea what she thought about their recent reconnection. Was she just as conflicted as he was? Or was she just along for the ride? And what would that mean if she did want to stay?

On one hand, he was hesitant to let Jenna in. What if she turned around and backstabbed him? She was a journalist who worked for a publication that focused on music. Local music, yes. But maybe management wouldn’t want to pass up a good story when they saw one. He didn’t want to experience the humiliation Eva put him through several years ago. She’d confessed to Rolling Stone that she thought the sex they had lacked and it was his fault. That stung more than any malicious accusation. And to make matters worse, when he went to confront his ex about her remarks, he found her in bed with Tony Parker, a famous basketball player. Wait, though. Would Jenna do that? In the limited context he knew her in, he didn’t think she would. She’d turned against the status quo and defended him to the end.

And yet he wanted to see Jenna again. Maybe it was because he liked her. Or he desired a female companion after avoiding a meaningful connection with women for some time. Most likely it was a combination of the two. She won’t hurt you. He texted her asking if she was available for coffee. I hope my intuition is right on this one. I’ve had enough hurt in my life recently. Relationship drama is the last thing I need right now.
She replied a moment later stating she would be available after her shift was over that evening. They agreed to meet at 8 at Java Logue, a popular offbeat coffee shop in an artsy neighborhood. JC wanted to limit the chance of them being overheard. He knew he couldn’t fully control that aspect but figured the circumstances would be favorable for a private conversation.

JC arrived at the cozy joint several hours later. The weathered bricks, eclectic lamps, and dark cherry wood tables provided a warm ambiance, compared to the rainy early February evening outside. He removed his jacket and sat down in an auburn leather chair near the back with his coffee.

Jenna appeared a few moments later. Her black suit and navy shirt exuded confidence and professionalism. Her hair was pulled back in a tight bun this time. He could see her face so much better. Her eyes were blue, like his. I could get lost looking at her. She brought out emotions he hadn’t felt in years. She saw him and waved. She ordered and got her drink before heading toward the corner. “Hey.”
“Hey girl. How are you?” They hugged with one arm this time, since Jenna’s hands were full.
“Okay. Been a stressful day. And you?” She sat down in a chair across from him.
“Hanging in there. Good to see you.”
“Likewise. So, what did your doctor have to say?” Jenna asked, hands cupped around her cinnamon latte. He’d mentioned earlier in the day via text about seeing the doctor.
He took a swing of his own espresso. “That’s what I wanted to talk about, actually. It’s the kind of news best told in person, if at all possible.”
She raised her eyebrow. “Oh? And I suppose I’m special enough to get that treatment?”
Yes, you are. But not without some debate. He smirked. “I guess you could say that. I like talking to you, anyway.”
“Thanks. I haven’t been a hit with the male species lately.”
JC scoffed playfully. “I don’t believe it. Who could resist someone as charming as you?”
“Oh, you’d be surprised.” She paused. “Anyway, the news. What is it?”
She made me forget about it for a second. “I have stage one vocal cancer.”
Jenna gasped. “I’m so sorry. That’s not fair!”
“Well, it’s the hand I’ve been dealt.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t want it to be public knowledge just yet, so please keep it quiet.”
She nodded. “Absolutely. So, what’s the plan of action?”
“The tumor is really small so my doctor thinks he can remove it without much problem. I’ll go to surgery in a week or so. Then I’ll have treatment once a week for several months to make sure the disease is gone.”
“Is the prognosis good for the most part?”
He nodded. “My voice probably will take a hit, though. My doctor said irreparable damage will probably happen and there’s a chance I could never sing again.”
She frowned. “Is it just a chance?”
“Yeah. He wanted me to be aware of the risks. But I’m going through with the surgery and treatment. I’d be stupid not to treat it. Then the tumor could grow and become a bigger problem.”
“I’m sorry you have to go through this. When is your surgery?”
“A week from today. You don’t have to visit.”
“I want to. I’ll definitely come by.” She sipped her coffee.
Why does she seem so eager to be there for me? We aren’t in a relationship and haven’t been in contact again long. “I’d like that. I might not be all there from the drugs and such but I would.”
She chuckled. “Yeah. Waking up from anesthesia is one of the weirdest feelings ever. It’s a mix of severe disorientation and the hangover from hell.”
“You’ve had surgery?”
She nodded. “I blew out my MCL and ACL during a basketball game my senior year of high school. I can still be active, but have to be careful with how much I do.”
“Ouch. Did it end your sports career?”
“Unfortunately. I was going to go to college on scholarship, too. That was a period of self-exploration. I was quite the athlete in my teen years so it was a shock to revamp my college plans six months beforehand. I ended up missing a semester because of missed placed paperwork, but it worked out.”
“Ah, so you know what that’s like. Having your soul invested in something but then it’s yanked from your grasp by some cruel circumstance.”
Jenna smiled slightly. “That I do. We’re more alike than you think.”
He noticed vulnerability in her features, which he’d never seen before. She had somberness in her voice and her smile contradicted her aura in that moment. “Oh? And why is that, Ms. Timbrook?”
“I remember reading about you supported an adoption charity because you’re adopted. Well, I am, too. But for a completely different reason.”
JC frowned. “What do you mean?”
She sighed. “It’s a long story and I don’t want to recount it now. Basically, my birth parents didn’t love me. Luckily I ended up with parents who do. Still, it’s a scar I bear.”
“That’s terrible, Jenna. My birth mom loved me but didn’t have the resources to give me a steady life.”
“You’re lucky she does. Do you keep in contact with her?”
“On a semi-regular basis. At least once a month, maybe more. And I try to see her once a year. We have a good relationship. However, I consider Karen my main mom. So, your adoptive parents are good to you?”
“Yes. I have a relationship with them like any daughter should with their parents. But, like I said, those first few years were rough.”
JC could tell she wasn’t ready to delve further into the topic. “I’m sorry you had to endure that.”
“It’s okay. Everyone has to deal with their demons, right?”
He nodded. “That’s true.”
She yawned. “As nice as this little outing has been, I need to get home. I had a long day at the office today and need to unwind.”
I hope I didn’t make her feel uncomfortable. “Okay. Thanks for meeting me.”
They both stood up. “You’re welcome. I enjoyed it, despite the news you delivered.”
“Well, I can’t help that. It’s my life,” He coughed.
“You know where to reach me if you need anything.” They hugged. JC relaxed at her touch. Her arms provided a safety net that he hadn’t had in some time. He could have held Jenna for days. The embrace was over far too soon.
“Thanks, honey. I’ll talk to you later.” Oh crap. I hope she doesn’t take that the wrong way. He used that term of endearment to all women he knew well.
“I’ll see you.” She smiled before walking out of the coffeehouse.
What is it about you, Jenna Timbrook? What is it about you that’s breaking down my walls? He hoped he hadn’t turned her away with their conversation tonight. She appeared severely uneasy when talking about her birth parents. They must have done something atrocious to her. Regardless, she had her boundaries just as he had his. Logically, he knew they should take it slow. Now was not the time to fool with new romantic pursuits. His heart, on the other hand, missed the companionship. He sighed, left a tip on the table and left.

The next week elapsed with no incidents. JC didn’t hear from Eric and he preferred it that way for now. He didn’t need his manager’s petty shit right now. He called other friends and received lots of sympathy in voice and people coming by. Matt came and stayed for several hours one day to hang out and keep him company. JC enjoyed the attention; it took his mind away from his depression. Jenna called several times to check up on him. It was almost like people did care about him.

Despite that, JC’s heart swelled with joy like never before as his family showed up as his doorstep Saturday afternoon. He and Roy embraced wordlessly for a moment. That was all he needed from his father: a gesture of support and love. Then he turned to Karen. “Hi, honey,” she croaked.
“Hey.” They hugged. Something about his mother’s love soothed his fears temporarily. “I’m so glad to see you.”
“Me, too.” She kissed his cheek and let him go.
Next was Heather. “Hey sis.”
“You holding up okay, Josh?” she asked as they hugged.
“Yeah, hanging in there.”
Finally, it was Tyler’s turn. “I’m so sorry, bro,” Tyler whispered.
“It’s okay. I’m glad you’re here.”

The family had nice bonding time. Tyler, Roy and JC watched college basketball while Karen and Heather did some much needed cleaning. That evening Karen made crab cakes, one of her specialties and something JC missed about the east coast. Dinner was followed by several hours lingering at the dinner table visiting and having drinks. The day was low key but he didn’t mind. It was enough to be surrounded by the people who loved him most.

A knock came at his bedroom door around 11 the next morning. “Come in” JC said while rubbing his eyes.
Karen opened it. “You have visitors waiting downstairs, honey.”
I wish they would have called first. I just woke up. “Okay. Give me a few to wake up.”
“That’s fine. You’ll be happy to see them.”
“I don’t get a clue as to who this person is?”
“No. They want it to be a surprise.” She closed his door.
Who could this be? Justin, maybe? He said he’d be at the surgery, but nothing else. Most people called ahead before visiting him; he could be a bear if he didn’t get enough sleep. Regardless, he couldn’t be rude.

After freshening up in the bathroom, he dressed in a gray t-shirt and black pants before heading downstairs. He looked over the railing outride his bedroom. He could see several silhouettes in the foyer. Could it be? Gazes shifted towards him as he proceeded down the stairs. He stopped in his tracks on the bottom step as his throat tightened up at the sight before him. You’ve got to be kidding. I can’t believe it.

The following hours were agonizing for the waiting room occupants. Some dealt by looking at their smart phones, others by mindlessly watching the television or reading a book. Conversation was sometimes initiated, but it didn’t usually last longer than a few minutes. Chris provoked a few laughs with his jokes. He shrugged and said humor was how he dealt with stressful situations.

Meanwhile, Justin pondered away from the others. He couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation he and JC had the night before. He was sickened that greedy executives killed his best friend’s passion for singing. Every day for eight years he and the other guys worked to the bone to perfect their craft. JC never settled for less than everyone’s best. His determination pushed the other guys’ buttons at times, but they knew he had good intentions. How could the higher ups look at him and not see talent? And here Justin was, a multi-million selling artist in his own right and the same group was at his beck and call. He couldn’t suppress the guilt. The pain in JC’s eyes was obvious.

Chris sat down beside Justin and nudged him. “Hey, are you doing okay?”
Justin sighed. “I didn’t expect it to affect me this much.”
“Yeah, it’s hard on all of us. He doesn’t deserve what’s happening.”
“It’s more than that. Of all people in this world…” He shook his head. “He was the best singer of all of us. We all knew that. Not to mention worked his ass off. And now life’s being so cruel.”
“I’m still shocked, too. I gave him a hard time, but always respected his talent.”
“The hardest thing is I’ve known JC since I was 10. He’s always been an older brother figure to me, someone I’ve looked up to and aspired to be. Then I turned my back on our friendship and it took this for me to realize what a stupid move that was.” Justin sighed.
“Don’t beat yourself up. We’re here for him now, when it counts. And I’m sure it means a lot to him.”
Justin cleared his throat. “You’re right. Even though he probably won’t be able to say so after the surgery. A friend had vocal nodules years ago and he wasn’t allowed to talk for several days afterward.”
Chris smirked. “Oh, that’s going to be a trip. You’re trying to motion what you what and the other person can’t figure it out. Then you’re like, ‘For God’s sake, that’s not it.’ ”
Justin laughed. “That reminds me of the time one of us had laryngitis. I can’t remember who it was. But we made jokes that they were our resident mute or something like that.”
“It was me.” Lance chimed in. “Thankfully we didn’t have any performances, but it was miserable.”
“I remember that and teasing you relentlessly.” Chris replied.
Lance shrugged. “And I would have expected nothing less from you.” He paused. “This is fun. We should get together more often.”
“And preferably not in a hospital waiting room.” Justin said sarcastically.
“Of course not.” Joey said.

Then Wendy, JC’s nurse, came into the waiting room. Everyone’s eyes shifted in her direction. “How’s he doing?” Karen asked.
“We just finished surgery. A couple girls are taking him back to the hospital room. The surgery was successful. Most of the tumor was removed. We are leaving the incision open to heal properly. Therefore, he’s on strict vocal rest for the next 48 hours. No sounds whatsoever. Dr. Franklin will be along in a few minutes.”
“Thank you, Wendy.” Roy said.
She smiled and left the room.

10 minutes later, Dr. Franklin arrived. He smiled slightly and his complexion glowed, even after completing a surgery. “I have mainly good news for you all. I was able to remove most of the tumor.”
“I sense a ‘but’ coming here,” Tyler said.
The doctor nodded. “That you are correct. There’s a slight bit more cancerous tissue under the skin than I anticipated but I didn’t see it until the operation was nearly complete. It’s not enough to warrant a second surgery at this time. Hopefully the drugs will kill that tissue off. If not, we may need to increase the treatment or consider surgery again.”
“When will he start chemo?” Roy asked.
“It’ll be at least a week. That incision needs to heal and the drugs would irritate it tremendously. My plan is chemo once a week for six months. He’ll undergo frequent testing to see how it’s going and make changes as needed.”
“Wendy said he can’t make any sound for 48 hours.” Karen told him.
“Yes. He’ll also have some nausea and dizziness. We’ll keep him here today for observation and he should be able to go home tomorrow sometime. I recommend someone stay with him for at least a day.”
“How do you think he’ll do?” Justin asked.
“I’m optimistic. It wasn’t a huge tumor, so that’s a blessing. We’re not out of the woods by any means. Now he needs to heal and we can start the treatment process. I’m hoping for a full recovery, but it’ll be a long road to get there. But I promise you, I’ll do everything in my power to combat this disease.”
“Thank you, Dr. Franklin. He’s in good hands with you as his doctor.” Roy said.
Dr. Franklin smiled. “I do my best. Good to see everyone.” He shook hands with everyone in the room. “Wendy will let you know when he’s awake and ready for visitors.”

--

Am I done already? Wendy was right; he didn’t notice the transition to medicated slumber at all. It seemed like mere seconds ago he was talking to her. Now, here he was in the hospital bed with a throbbing throat and dizzy head. I really hope this will work. I almost feel worse now than I have over the past few months. He opened his eyes; the room was only occupied by his bed and medical machines.
Dr. Franklin walked in. “Oh good, you’re awake. How are you feeling?”
How am I supposed to tell you when I can’t talk? He pointed to his head and throat.
“Those hurt?”
JC nodded.
“That’s completely normal. The surgery went pretty well. I was able to cut off the tumor. However, some cancerous cells still reside in your throat. It’s a miniscule amount, so I left it there for the time being. Hopefully the chemo will kill those cells off. If not, we’ll revisit the option of a second surgery.”
Well, that’s good to know.
“I’m going to keep you here overnight for observation. If all goes well, you can go home tomorrow sometimes. No talking whilst here and at least the first day at home. And after that, I suggest imposing limits, such as speaking only when necessary.”
Lovely. The next few days will be great fun.
“I have high hopes for you, JC. You did well, even though you may not feel like it right now.”
JC smirked. How does this guy know exactly what I’m thinking right now?
Dr. Franklin chuckled. “I know that look. I’ve bombarded you with enough information. We’ll be in touch.”
“Thank you.” The patient lipped.
“You’re welcome. Wendy will be here to check on you.” The two men shook hands and the doctor left the room.

Visitors slowly filed in over the next hour. First was his family and they discussed plans for the next few days. Karen would stay with him at least two days after he was allowed to go home. JC wanted to protest, but reminded himself he’d probably need the help and she wouldn’t want to do anything else. Next were his group mates. He wished he could express his gratitude for their presence in more than hand gestures. Then again, no words could come close. Lance led a circle group prayer like they used to before every show. JC was reassured by their collective friendship. Finally, Matt came in and sat with him for a few minutes. He was grateful for Matt; they’d gotten closer in recent years. The past few weeks reassured JC that he was a true friend.

He stirred with another knock at the door a few hours later. The footsteps were light with long strides between clicks of flat shoes hitting the ground. He opened his eyes to find Jenna standing over his bed. His eyes widened. She really came.
“Surprised, are you?” She teased.
A bit. He shook his hand slightly.
She sat down on the chair next to his bed. “How are you doing?”
JC swiped his finger across his throat to indicate he couldn’t talk.
Jenna blushed. “Oh, right. I should have known that.”
I want to talk to her somehow. Oh, maybe we can write to each other. We’ll see how awake I am. He pretended to scribble on his palm.
Jenna understood his question and dug through her purse for a notepad and pen She motioned to him but he shook his head. “You first,” He lipped.

(Note: Jenna's answers are in bold, JC in italic.) 

She crossed her legs and placed the notepad on her lap. She penned an answer and handed it to him.
How are you doing? Has your doctor come to see you?
He studied her handwriting before answering. It had an ease about it and curved in the right places, like her body. He gripped the pen and slowly wrote. Yes. He removed the tumor. Still have to do treatment to make sure cancer is gone.
She smiled. Is your prognosis good?
He seemed optimistic. We’ll see.
I’m glad it went well.
He was more relaxed with her here. It almost didn’t matter that he was voiceless. The care and concern in her features spoke for itself. Her eyes focused on him and her mouth formed halfway between a smile and frown. She was beautiful, as always. I wonder what it would be like to kiss those lips. No! Shut up. You can’t be thinking about that right now.
After a moment of comfortable silence, Jenna said: “Well, I think I’ll be going then.”
JC pouted and gave her puppy dog eyes.
She laughed. “Don’t give me those. Your cuteness is making it hard.”
That’s the point, Jenna. I don’t want you to leave. He smiled and shrugged, as if to say “I can’t help I’m so irresistible.”
“Oh, you little devil. No wonder women fawn all over you.”
Yeah, but not many of them would be siting where you are right now. He frowned, and returned to the notepad. Thank you for coming.
You’re welcome. I wanted to see that you were okay.
I am, just tired.
“Pardon me to keep you from resting, then.” She replied sarcastically.
I don’t care. You make the pain go away with your voice, JC thought. He handed her notebook and pen back to her.
“Thanks. Text me if you need anything, okay?”
I may take you up on that, even if it’s an excuse to see you. He nodded.
“I’ll see you later.” She briefly squeezed his right hand before leaving.
JC caressed where she just touched. She left behind a kind of warmth that he hadn’t had in some time. It was something only a woman could provide. He couldn’t decide if he liked the attention Jenna gave him or her as whole. But how many women would do what she just did? Not many and certainly not ones who only wanted him for superficial reasons. He was amazed at their progress. They’d only reconnected mere four weeks ago. She had to be enjoying their friendship somewhat. Was she hiding feelings as well? Come on, bro. Not now. She’s your friend and you enjoy her company. Still, he wasn’t sure how much longer that answer would be satisfactory.

“So am I taking you to treatment tomorrow?” Karen asked on the phone a few days later.

Karen and/or Roy had taken him to treatment for the past month. While he appreciated that, he wanted Jenna to take him. Are you crazy? That’s overstepping the boundaries you have established right now.  Not to mention Mom will go crazy. She’s treating you like you’re a teenager sneaking out of the house. I’m a grown man; I can make my own decisions. “I was thinking about asking Jenna to take me.”

“Why do you want to ask her? You barely know her!”

You got me there, Mom. “Maybe I want to spend time with her so we can get to know each other better.”

“You can do that by inviting her over to your house like you have been.”

He sputtered. “Why do you care so much, Mom? I’m not so sick that I don’t enjoy the company of a female friend. I’m 36 years old; it’s my decision who comes into my life.”

You shouldn’t have said that, JC. Karen snorted. “Well excuse me for caring, Josh. Excuse me for uprooting my life to a place I don’t particularly like because I love you and want to make sure you’re okay during this fight. I’m looking out for you, sweetie. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Crap, now she thinks I don’t appreciate her. Which isn’t the case. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean? You’re going to let some strange woman who you just met dictate how you go about treatment?”

Whoa, whoa whoa. Hold on a minute. Since when did I say that? “I never said that. All I said was I’d like her to take me this week so we can spend some time together.”

Click. Damn, Mom. I love you but you’re really pissing me off right now. Why does everyone treat me like my life isn’t mine? I’m so sick of it. Cancerous cells are already overtaking my body and stealing my independence. Let’s have every decision be made for me while we’re at it! If I had any hair, it’d be gone in two seconds. “

DAMMIT!” His voice reverberated off the walls and his throat tightened. I shouldn’t have done that. But it’s one of the only ways I can get my emotion out these days. Tears peered in the back in his eyes. Not now. Crying won’t help. It’ll make my mood worse. He cleared his throat and the wetness retreated for the moment. I better call Jen. That’ll look stupid if she can’t do this anyway.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Hey Jenna. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I have the day off and no plans in place. Do you need something?” She was surprised at the immediacy of his question.

“I need a ride to chemo and back. Would you like to take me?”

“Oh. Wow. You want me to take you?”

“Well, yeah. You said you’d help me in any way you could.”

“Touché. What time is the treatment?”

“It starts at 8 a.m. I usually leave my house around 7:15 or so to account for morning traffic.”

Jenna groaned. “Oh lord. Be glad, I like you, Chasez. Otherwise I wouldn’t agree to do this.”

He shrugged. “Hey, you can always take a nap on my couch.”

“Hey. We’re not going there yet, buddy. Thanks for the offer, though.”

“So, I’ll see you around 7:15?”

She playfully sighed. “I suppose. I’ll see you then.”

A churning stomach awoke him at five the next morning. It was like he’d been stabbed with a sword.  I have to get to the bathroom before I make a mess. He barely made it to the toilet before vomit expelled. How do I produce this much waste? I don’t eat that much. He spent the next hour puking and coughing.

He flopped back on his bed with the acidic taste of bile in his mouth. This had happened several times recently. Now he had to drag himself out of the house to treatment so he could guarantee more mornings like this! Great, I’m fucking looking forward to it. He groaned. I’m sick of not seeing progress. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten this treated in the first place. But now at least you have a chance of saving your voice. What if the cancer had grown so you couldn’t? The thought was little comfort at the moment.

I might as well get dressed so Jenna doesn’t have to drag me out of bed. Every muscle protested as he rose to retrieve some clothes. As long as you’re covered you’re golden.

Jenna arrived at 7:10 with a coffee mug in hand. “Thank you for coming over so early.”

She nodded. “It’s not a problem. As long as I got my coffee in my system, I’ll be good to go.”

“You sure you don’t have better things to do with your day off besides take me to chemo?” Well, you did ask her to do this.  And she said yes.

Jenna chuckled as her cheeks flushed. “I want to. If anything, it’s an excuse to see you.”

He shrugged. “Fair enough. I like seeing you, too.”

“Shall we go, then?” Jenna replied a little too quickly. She probably wanted to avoid awkward silence that might have followed.

He felt his pockets for his keys and wallet. He’d been known to leave his wallet at home when he needed it. “Sure.”

“Want an arm?” She asked.

If it means I get to be near you again. “Yeah.” They linked arms and walked out to the driveway.

Jenna’s clunky silver Buick Skyhawk awaited them. He raised his eyebrow. “This is your car?”

She blushed again. “Yeah. It’s my backup car. My newer one blew out its transmission a few months ago. I don’t have the money to get another one right now. It’s not a Mercedes, but it gets me from point A to point B.” She inserted her key into the side lock.

“That is old school. Having to unlock the doors by hand.”

“This car is a 1989 model. It’s been in my family since I was in elementary school. So yes, it predates the newfangled electric locks.” She unlocked the door. “After you, dear.”

If we ever date, I’m getting her a new car. She deserves something nice. “Thank you, Jenna.”

He sat down in the worn out seat.

She shut the door behind him and got in a moment later. “Which hospital am I going to?”

“USC Norris. You know where that is?”

“Approximately. We have Google Maps if we get lost.”

He chuckled. “You seem so confident about that.”

She turned on the ignition. “Hey, that’s a smartphone is for, right? To compensate for lack of human intelligence?”

“If you say so.”

“Navigate me, Chasez.” She turned around to back the car out of the driveway.

That could be interpreted in a sexual manner. He smiled to himself.

The next 20 minutes passed with light conversation as Jenna drove to the hospital. Her Chevy Cavalier almost died in the middle of Interstate 5, one of the city’s busiest highways. Luckily she was able to get off the road before the car completely stopped. She called a tow truck and brought it to her usual mechanic. He told her it would cost more than the car was worth; she was better off buying a new one. Her dad, Cameron’s, friend had this car and gave it to her for free.

“Does it embarrass you that you drive an old car?” JC asked.

“Not really. Not all of us are made of money, JC. I’m a journalist and don’t make all that much. But at least I’m in the profession I love.”

“You must worry about it copping out on you like the other one did.”

She nodded. “I’ve had a few close calls, not going to lie. I wonder every time I drive if it’ll do the job. But it does and I’ll make do with this one for now.”

I’m definitely buying her a car. She doesn’t need that worry over her head. “You shouldn’t have to worry about that, honey.”

“I’m glad you think so. You’re so considerate of my feelings.”

“That’s because your feelings are important, too. It’s okay to feel what you do. Anyone who truly cares about you won’t judge you for them.”

Jenna bit her lip as she pulled into the parking lot. He could see wetness in the back of her gaze.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
She shook her head. “No, you didn’t. I just really needed to hear that. Someone in my life constantly tells me that I need to just shut up and take their bullshit.”

I wonder who she’s talking about. I hope it’s not a douchebag boyfriend. “Well, they need to shove it or I will come after them.”

She chuckled. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” She parked the car. “We’re here. Let’s get you medicated for the week.”

She does this all the time. Veers the subject away from herself and back to me. Does she have something to hide or just being cautious?

They got out of the car. “Jenna, I’m really sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize,” she insisted. “I needed that reassurance. It just really struck a chord hearing it from you.”

In a good or bad way? She’s probably heard that countless times. What was it about the way I said it that was different? “Ah, I see.”

She linked her arm with his. “Come on. Let’s get inside before we’re caught.”

Jenna, you’re not exactly helping with your arm position. Not that I’m complaining. Just a thought. They walked into the hospital.

They settled into the private room a few minutes later. Wendy hooked JC up to the machines. He shuddered at the sight of the needles. Jenna held his hand and he didn’t flinch when they pinched his skin. It has to be because she’s here. I can’t think of any other explanation. Damn you, Jenna. You’re breaking my defenses. And I’m not sure I want you to. He sighed.

“You okay, JC?” She asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. I don’t like needles.”

“That’s the first time he hasn’t flinched when I’ve put the IV tube in.” Wendy chimed in. “You must have a special effect on him, Jenna.”

Way to put us on the spot, Wendy. JC looked at Jenna, whose cheeks were flushed. She let go and sat back in her chair. You didn’t have to do that. We’re holding hands as friends.

“We’re friends.” He replied coolly.

“You say that now. But I wouldn’t be surprised if you two come and tell me you’re dating one day.”

Jenna tried to make conversation for the first few minutes of treatment but backed off after a few trite responses. I shouldn’t have been so mean to Mom. She has the best intentions for me. Sometimes she doesn’t REALLY listen to me. She hears what she wants to and blocks out the rest. Which then prompts her to make up her own stories in her head of what’s happening when that may not be the case. He tired of the overbearing behavior. He wasn’t so sick that he couldn’t think for himself. That might happen in more extreme situations. Still, he didn’t like hurting her feelings as she was his mother and loved him more than anyone in the world. I’ll ask her to come over and we can talk about it.

He looked over at the IV tube. Is even worth it? I haven’t felt better. If anything, this is worse than the original problem. This week will probably be just like the others: puking my guts out on both ends, struggling to talk, and being bedbound. He barely remembered the last month because he was in a fog from the medicine. I hope this isn’t what the rest of my life will consist of. It’s such a battle to live every day. It’s so hard sometimes. Maybe I should give up. No, don’t. You have several supporters in your corner, including one who went out of her way for you today.

He glanced at Jenna, who was reading a book. She has done a lot for me, without expectation of anything in return. I wish there was some way I could help her.

After an hour, the treatment finished. JC felt woozy, so Wendy brought him a wheelchair. She pushed him out to the curb, where Jenna had pulled up her car. Both women helped him into the passenger side. Get me away from this place. I don’t want to see it more than I have to. I’m going to go mental, aren’t I?

After a few minutes, he couldn’t stand it anymore. Something has to give here. I’ve been holding everything back. He sighed as the tears from last night returned. He wiped his eye with two fingers on the window side so Jenna couldn’t see what he was doing. It’s not like she won’t notice eventually anyway. How I wish her body was against mine. Not even in a sexual way. Just to have warm closeness with a woman again. It’s probably not a good idea, but I don’t give a damn at this point. I just want her close. The wetness streamed down his cheeks.

“Are you okay?” Jenna asked sweetly.

Of course. I just finished another chemotherapy treatment. I’m bloody spectacular. “Not really. Just a lot going on.”

“I understand. I don’t know how you deal with it so well.”

He snorted. If you only knew, Jen. I’m not in the mood for positive bullshit.

They arrived home a few minutes later. “Jen, can you come in for a minute?” He whispered.
“Of course.” She got out of the car.

His throat constricted as he followed her.  I need her.

Once in the house, she turned to him. “Need a hug, sweetie?”

She knows what I need. He nodded and melted in her arms. Again, her hold provided a strong yet soft place to land. I’m safe with her. She won’t hurt me.

Jenna rubbed his back as he cried into her shoulder. She didn’t see the need for words and he appreciated that. He just wanted someone to be there while he let out his emotions. 

After a few minutes, they broke away. “Will you be okay?” She whispered.

“Yeah. I just need some time alone. Thank you for the hug. I needed it.”

She squeezed his hands. “You’re welcome.”

He hugged her again. Jenna was taken aback, but returned the motion. They stood there in the silence for a moment; each other’s presence was the only thing that mattered then. I want to kiss you so bad. To thank you for being here. But I shouldn’t. I can’t be in a relationship right now.

They broke away again and he walked her to the door. “Thank you again, Jenna. I really appreciate it.”

She nodded. “You’re welcome. I’ll see you later, okay?”

He smiled. “Later. Be safe driving home.”

After she left, he asked Matt to take him over to his house. He didn’t want to be alone and needed someone different to help him sort his feelings out about that woman. Luckily, his friend was available and obliged as soon as possible.

“So, what do you need to talk about?” Matt asked as they sat in his kitchen.

“I’m super confused about this girl, Jenna.”

“How did you meet her?”

“She was at Jive when I worked on ‘Kate’. We were friends, as far as coworkers go. I enjoyed hanging out with her and she was the only person who really understood the vision I wanted to accomplish with the record. She went to bat for me a few times.”

“She was outnumbered, unfortunately.”

“Yeah. I never forgot about she supported me when no one else did. We lost touch after I was dropped. Then we ran into each other at that charity event you picked me up from. So, we’ve been hanging out since then.”

“That sounds pretty good. Why are you confused?”

“Hold on, man. I’ll tell you. I’ve been really depressed about lack of progress in treatment, as you know. Jenna took me to my last one. While I was there, I thought too much and got emotional. After she took me home, I started crying. She wrapped her arms around me. I’m not sure I want her to get so close.”

“How did it feel when she held you?”

JC sighed. “I appreciated her warmth. She was just there for me; she didn’t try to negate my sadness. That’s what I needed then.”

“If you truly didn’t want that, you wouldn’t have let her. You could’ve said, ‘I’m fine. Please leave.’ But you didn’t. You let her comfort you because you trust her on some level.”

He’s right. “I do. And that scares me.”

“Why?”

“I have a full plate. All my time and energy is devoted to recovering right now. New relationships take those things to flourish and I’m not sure I have that to spare.  I don’t know what will happen to me. In unlikely event I die, she’ll get hurt.”

Matt frowned. “But what if the reason she’s here is to make this ordeal easier? What if she’s here to hold you up when you can’t stand on your own?”

“Something shifted yesterday. I felt safe and protected. I knew she would catch my tears. When I’m with her, everything’s okay. I forget I’m sick.”

“Then maybe it’s okay to let her in.”

JC groaned. “What do you mean ‘maybe’? I barely know her. We always talk about my problems. I don’t know that much about her life. How do I know she won’t screw me over like every other woman I’ve dated?”

Matt shrugged. “Maybe she won’t. You don’t know unless you explore that option. You know that you like being around her and would like to get to know her better."

Are you sure you're not a fucking psychic? “I didn’t see this coming. She’s finding a way under my skin.”

“I think you want to let your guard down, but you’re afraid to. You’ve built your walls so high that you haven’t let anyone climb them for some time.”

How does he know that? JC rolled his eyes.

“You’re rolling your eyes because you know I’m right. You like how she makes you feel but you’re terrified she’ll be another Eva or Bobbie. I think if she didn’t have good intentions, I think she would have left when you were diagnosed. There’s nothing superficial for her to gain here. You’re not desirable to the fake girls because you’re going through a traumatic time. No one that narcissistic would want to deal with this.”

Damn, you nailed it Matt. Yet what if she sees how weak I am and takes advantage of me? “I’m so cynical. Everything you’ve said, I’ve wanted to counteract with a negative thought.”

“You have, Dumbo. What happened to that optimistic guy I used to know?”

“He got the shit beat out of him emotionally and doesn’t want to believe anything good exists anymore.”

“Correction: He wants to, but doesn’t think it exists for him.” Matt replied.

JC sighed heavily. “This is why you’re my friend. You can read me so well.”

Matt grinned. “Right now, you hate for it but yes I can. It’s your decision going forward. Go with what your gut tells you. That’s usually right.”

“That’s true. It’s served me well over the years.”

"Dammit,” JC growled as another discordant note rang out on the keyboard. This is useless. Why do I even try? Because you love music and it would destroy you if that was taken away. He tried to sing, but only a throaty shell of his former voice appeared. I wish hadn’t taken this for granted. I was consumed by fear and didn’t take the time to sing for myself. He closed his eyes, remembering his voice’s former glory. It was clear, resonant and versatile. He got a thrill out of belting high notes night after night while the fans expressed their appreciation. What does it matter? I’m never getting it back. I should just forget about it. But he couldn’t because music was ingrained in his soul; a soul that craved to be to be heard. 

I need to get these emotions out. They aren’t any help up here. He hadn’t kept a journal for years; music usually took its place. However, that route wasn’t fruitful so he decided to write them down. He found a ragged black notebook sitting on his computer desk. He kept random thoughts he came up with during songwriting in there. I haven’t touched this is in so long. He leafed through to an empty page and started to write:

I miss my voice.  I never thought I’d have to say that. I’d give anything to hear it in real life again. Sure, it’s recorded in audio and video but it’s not the same. Something about hearing your gift coming out and giving others joy. I tell myself to move on but I can’t. My voice was an integral part of my love for music and having an outlet to express myself. But it’s been stolen from me and it’s gone forever

My life isn’t mine anymore, anyway. Cancer dictates the course of my day. If I’m throwing up for hours, I’m guaranteed to be bedbound for the remainder because I have zero energy. Then I’m not hungry which zaps my energy and leaves me motionless. If I don’t have that, I can’t talk to anyone and am left with miserable thoughts day after day. I’d give anything to not be me right now. I’m so damn tired. If Hell exists, I think I have found it.

I don’t see an end in sight. The diagnosis was three months ago. It seems like it should be longer for as much as I’m fighting this disease. On the other hand, it’s a lifetime ago because I didn’t have to worry about medicine and the bills that come along with it. I didn’t have to watch those I love suffer because I’m sick. That’s hard enough to deal with as it is. I suppose it’s better that I don’t keep track of time.

His phone buzzed. Texts from Jenna and Justin had come in at the same time. Justin asked how to Jenna’s. She wanted to know if she could come over after work tonight. I don’t see why not. Hopefully I’ll feel better by then. After he replied to her, Karen called. Geez, everyone wants to talk to me now, huh? She wanted to come over so they could talk about their disagreement the day before. He hoped they would come out the other side with a better understanding of one another’s positions.

I give up. I’m just going to sleep my life away until Mom gets here. Hell, I wouldn’t mind going to sleep and never waking up right now. I’m as good as dead without my voice, anyway. He dragged his limp body out of the chair to the rec room next door. He flopped on the couch and fell asleep.

“Joshua…”

JC stirred. “Who is it?”

“It’s me, Mom.”

He narrowly opened his eyes to Karen’s concerned face. “Hey.”

“Hey. How are you?” She stroked his head, which was covered by a black beanie hat.

“Like death.”

“Rough day?”

JC rolled his eyes internally. If you only knew, Mom. “More like a hellish life.”

“I’m sorry about yesterday. honey. This situation is taking a toll on me, as it is everyone.”

“I’m sorry, too. For everything.”

“It’s not your fault.” Karen paused. “You know what’s so unfair about this, Josh?”

“What?”

“Some unknown antigen invaded your body without your consent. You didn’t get a say in this. One day you’re not sick and the next you are.”

You’ve got that right. JC nodded. “I can’t do anything about that, sadly.”

“Not the fact that you got cancer. But now you have a choice to fight back and it’s a choice you have to make every day.”

“I want to give up.” JC coughed. “I haven’t seen any progress.”

“And let it steal away the one thing that means the most to you?”

“That left when I was dropped from Jive.”

“I don’t think so. You may be having a bad day but that doesn’t negate all the effort you’ve made. You have a lot to live for.”

He snorted. “Like what?”

“Your lady friend, Jenna for example.”

What? Yesterday you thought she was some witch manipulating my mind. “I thought you didn’t like her.”

“She’s growing on me. I just don’t want you to get hurt with all you have going on. She has a positive effect on you, whether you know it or not.”

Yeah, she does. What’s with the quick change of heart? “I’m surprised you’d suggest her as a reason, Mom.”

“Yesterday I was emotional about the whole situation and that was the spark that lit the flame. I’m sorry I stress you out so much, sweetheart. I only want the best outcome for you.”

“And a great way to do that is give me room to breathe,” he replied dryly.

Karen stroked his head again. “I’ll try. Do you need anything right now?”

He shook his head. “I feel like shit. I just want to sleep in peace.”

“Then rest you shall, Josh.” She kissed his forehead.

He half smiled. “Thank you, Mom.”

“Anytime, honey. This shall pass, I promise.”

The sweetness in Karen’s gaze caused a pang in his heart. She loves me. And I her, even though she drives me crazy sometimes. I can’t imagine what that would do to her if I died. I can’t do that to Mom. Maybe I should keep going. Karen picked up her purse. “Do you want the lights turned off, Josh?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I’ll see you later, Mom.”

He was awakened a few hours later by an obnoxiously loud buzzing. Can’t I be left in peace? He groaned and reached for his phone.

“I’m outside your door and it’s locked” Jenna’s text read.

Crap, I forgot you were coming. He had an app that could unlock the door with a security code. He typed the code in and replied.  “Come on in. I just unlocked it. I’d come greet you but I’m really sick today.” Shit. I’m not in the normal place she visits me in.

“JC, where are you?” He could hear her call.

“I’m in my rec room, which is downstairs.” He typed. “The door’s in the font hallway.”

Jenna arrived a few minutes later. “Oh, there you are. Not in the usual spot.”

“I was attempting to write in the studio but didn’t have the energy to make it back upstairs. Sorry I couldn’t answer the door.” He had sat up in a sitting position by this point.

“That’s okay.” She sat down on the couch by his feet. “So, how’s my favorite guy?”

Favorite guy, huh? He wavered his hand. “Eh. Making it.

“What’s wrong?”

Oh, the usual. Wishing I was dead because my voice is gone. No big deal. “I’m really foggy. So, if I don’t make sense, I apologize.”

“I’ve read that a side effect of chemo is short term memory loss.”

Wow, you’re really doing some research, Jen. “Just giving you a heads up. So, how are you?”

She groaned. “Frustrated. Boss is giving me hell in a hand basket. I want to tell him to screw off but his answer would be ‘When and where?’”

Not if I have anything to say about it. “What about?”

“My performance of late.” She buttoned the bottom of her shirt.

She’s not telling me the whole thing, is she? “Anything I can help you with?”

She shook her head. “No, thank you. I’m hoping it’ll go away on its own.”

"You don't... treat me like everyone else does." Where did that come from?

Jenna furrowed her brows and frowned. "What do you mean?"

"They can't... look at me without being sad. And then I'm sad because they are."

"They have deep emotional investment in you. Your mom, for example, has raised you since you were five. That's almost all your life and she loves you as if she birthed you. Then take a close friend like Lance. You all spent nine or more years together every day, working your butts off at something you loved to do. That bonds people together. So, their emotions cloud their judgment sometimes."

"Wow. Haven't thought about it like that."

"I, on the other hand, have a limited context of knowing you. While we're expanding that by hanging out together, it's not as intense as someone who's known you longer."

He frowned. "You don't care as much."

She shook her head. "No. It's just a different set of feelings. If we were in a relationship, I'd feel the same way they do.”

I'm starting to wish we were. "You're so wise."

She shrugged. "Nah, just an objective force that makes you think in ways you hadn't before."

Dammit, Jenna.  You nailed it again. "You like being here, don't you?"

She smiled. "Yes, I enjoy helping you and taking care of you. Why do you ask?"

"There's nothing in this for you."

"The friendship we've rekindled is enough for me."

Friendship. She probably doesn't feel like I do. "Oh."

"I won’t take advantage of you, JC. I can't imagine how many people have done so because of your celebrity. It's not about that here. I’m your friend and care about your wellbeing.”

I figured as much. Why was I expecting anything different? She hasn’t indicated any romantic inclinations. I’m probably reading into something that isn’t there.

“You seem disappointed by that answer.”

“Well, that’s because I like you more than that.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh, really?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Everything is okay when you’re here. Sometimes I even forget I’m sick. You don’t define me by the illness. And I appreciate that so much.”

She half smiled as her cheeks flushed. “You like having me around, eh?”

You seem to enjoy it too, from that adorable expression. “Yeah. A lot.” JC studied Jenna’s features. Her jaw was a mix of rounded and square. Her face was perfectly proportioned; no facet overpowered the others. Brown waves effortlessly tumbled down her shoulders. Today she had on a lilac short sleeved button down and capris. Her bottom lip curled, as if in thought. “You’re staring at me.”

“Hey, I appreciate beauty when I see it. And it’s right front of me, both inside and out.”

Her lips stiffened. “Thank you. It’s been some time since I’ve been called beautiful.”

If you were mine, I’d call you that all the time. “You’re welcome. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

She tensed up even more. "Can I get you anything before I go?"

What does she seem so eager to hide? He shook his head. "Thank you, Jenna." He kissed her cheek lightly.

Jenna blushed again. “You’re too sweet. Get some sleep, Chasez.” She squeezed his hands before leaving.

You should have just kissed her full on. Your feelings intensify every time you’re together. Even just now…  He drifted off with that thought.

He awoke a few hours later with a chill up his spine. Why do I feel like something is different?  He’d had hangovers where he didn’t remember what happened the night before, only that it wasn’t good. Now, the dynamics of his life had shifted. He couldn’t place a finger on how. What did I do? I must have done SOMETHING. His stomach churned with unease. Who was just here? … Jenna! Dear God, don’t let me say anything stupid! He leaped from the couch and barely made it to the toilet before expelling bodily waste.

30 minutes later, he flopped on his couch. Usually an episode like that knocked him out in minutes, even seconds. Not tonight. What happened? I can’t remember and it’s aggravating me that I don’t. He groaned. What was the worst that could happen? Spill out his guts for her and she rejects him? No, we couldn’t have kissed. I’d never forget the glorious feeling it must be to kiss her. Back off, Chasez. She’s not yours and possibly could be someone else’s woman.

I wonder if that’s what she’s hiding from me. She was awfully jumpy tonight. He’d never fully entertained the idea that she had a boyfriend. If she was dating anyone seriously, she would have mentioned it by now, wouldn’t she? A dull ache emerged in his heart. He hated the thought of Jenna in another man’s arms. It would break his heart. She looked troubled the other day before his treatment. He wished he could vanquish all her worries and doubts. Why won’t she let me comfort her like she’s done for me? It’s only fair.  Her heart was pure and that was what mattered, not that she was ‘bigger’ than societal standards. No woman in Hollywood would do what she’s done for me.

Dr. Franklin’s office called the next morning. Colleen informed JC the doctor wanted to schedule a follow up appointment with him to discuss his progress. There’s nothing to talk about, he grumbled inwardly. I’m sick and will be for the foreseeable future. Nonetheless, he agreed and they scheduled an appointment for the next day. I don’t see anything good coming out of this. I’ve had enough of the medical system as it is. But this is part of the process.

Get up. You need to get in the shower. The thought was right. He hadn’t bathed in days and the last time was in his bath tub because he didn’t have the strength to stand. Showers used to be one of his favorite activities. That was his time to either wake up and prepare for his day or decompress from a long day. The warm water acted as an elixir to his soul. Now, even with a shower seat, he couldn’t muster longer than 10 minutes. That’s gone now, you shouldn’t be thinking about that. But he couldn’t help it. Ever since he’d gotten sick, he longed to be capable of doing things for himself and not have to ask everyone else.

Roy came over to his bedside. “Morning, son.”

“Morning,” JC mumbled. “Can you help me up?”

Roy nodded, removing the covers from his body. “Give me your hands.”

His son raised up his arms as his father held his hands to pull him up. He shouldn’t have to do this. I should be able to do this myself. JC groaned.

“Are you okay?”

He nodded. “Just wishing things were different, that’s all.”

“We all do, Josh. But that doesn’t do us any good. Focus on your will to fight. You just sat up, which you aren’t able to do some days. That’s a victory in itself.”

He sighed. “I suppose so. Just help me get to the bathroom.”

“Do you want to take a shower?”

JC stood up. “Yeah. But I want to try to do it myself.”

“Okay. I’ll be outside the door if you need anything.”

After a seated 10 minute shower, he was clean. He dried off and got dressed in track pants and a white v-neck t-shirt. As he patted his face with a towel, he caught a glimpse of his reflection.

His face looked gaunt: narrow features, lifeless eyes, navy under eye circles and luggage size bags. Damn, do I look sickly or what?  He stripped off his white t-shirt and studied his reflection further. His collar bone was more prominent than before. What little definition existed in his stomach had disappeared and was replaced by a pooch. His arms had lost almost all definition as well. His low slung track pants exposed his protruding hip bones. He’d always been thin but he’d lost at least 15 lbs since the ordeal started. How can anyone bear to look at this shadow of the man I once was? And then he understood. This was why his loved ones couldn’t stand it. They knew what he looked like healthy and now seeing what he’d been reduced to? His heart squirmed in his chest. They shouldn’t have to see this. Damn you, cancer. Do you not realize how much damage you’ve done to me and my family? Of course not. You’ll gladly take any life you please.

Tears brimmed in the back of his eye as his throat tightened up. He hadn’t taken time to study what he looked like and now he wished he hadn’t. This is what I’ve been reduced to, huh? Depression took away my mind and now cancer is stealing my body. Is it even worth it all for one little section on my vocal cords? A tear slipped down his cheek. Right now it doesn’t seem like it. There’s no end in sight. I’m doomed to live a life full of cancer treatments and looking like death on legs. Funny how you don’t appreciate something until it’s gone.

A knock came at his door, which jarred his thoughts. “Josh, are you okay?” Roy asked.

“No.” He said. “You can come in.”

His father opened the door. “Need a hug?”

JC nodded. “Please.”

The men embraced. Roy patted and rubbed his son’s back while JC silently wept.

They broke away after a few moments. “I wish I hadn’t… taken my… health for granted.” He sniffled.

“I know, son. A lot of people do. They think they are invincible and don’t fathom that it could happen to them. Unfortunately, cancer doesn’t give a damn that you’ve been healthy for most of your life.”

JC sighed, wiping his eyes. “Sorry about that.”

“You don’t need to apologize for your tears, Josh. We’re here for you, okay?”

“Okay. I just hate… that I’m so weak.”

“Again, that’s fine. It’s from moments like this that we know true strength.”

JC slipped on his shirt again. “I need to lie down.”

“Sure. You want your hat?” Roy offered the black beanie to him.

“Yeah. Might as well.” He put it on. “Thanks, Dad. I needed that.”

“You’re welcome. Get some rest.”

A severe urge to vomit awoke him several hours later. He lurched over his bedside to expel the liquid to the trash can set beside it. This went on for several minutes as Karen and Roy rushed to his aid. Even after vomiting, he couldn’t stop coughing. Karen gently urged him to breathe as he struggled to stop the onslaught.

“Shit,” He finally said with water in his eyes. “How do I keep doing that when there’s nothing to draw from?”

“It’s the medication,” Roy said with a frown. “Do you want some water?”

“We can try it but...”

“Here,” Karen handed him a small juice glass full. JC sipped on the liquid, washing out the acidic bile that remained. The feeling was almost pleasant. But sure enough, it came back up a minute later.

Roy sighed and shook his head. “Dad got like this, too.”

“Oh Roy, don’t say that.”

“I didn’t mean anything by it, honey. I’m just stating a fact.”

“I just hate to see my son like this. I don’t want to have to bury him.”

JC laced Karen’s hand with his. “It’s alright, Mom. I’ll be okay.”

She sighed. “It’s just hard to watch when there’s nothing you can do.”

“You’re here,” he whispered. “That’s all that matters to me.”

Karen wiped her eye. “Oh Joshua, I’m going to cry again!”

JC simply squeezed her hand. “It’s okay. You can do that.”

She sighed again. “You need to rest.”

I won’t argue with that. But I think she’s telling me that so I won’t see her cry. “Yeah. That takes a lot out of me.”

She kissed his forehead. “I love you, honey.”

“I love you, Mom.”  He turns to Roy. “And you too, Dad. Thanks for being here today.

“That’s what I’m here for, son.” His father replied.

JC drifted off without another word.

He awoke again about an hour later. The midnight black of the room indicated it was night outside. He didn’t exactly know what hour, but it didn’t matter; there was no use keeping track of every moment he lived in this hell. All he was focused on was surviving that moment. And once he conquered that one, it was on to the next traumatic instance. And you got through that last sickening instance, Great job by you, Chasez.

He turned over on his right side. Wouldn’t it be nice to have Jenna curled up next to me? Just to have a warm body to make this bearable? He didn’t fight the thought; that’s all it was, after all.  It scared him how fast he had fallen in love with her. Time and time again he’d told himself he shouldn’t because of the disease and treatment. Yet her presence made the ordeal easier to endure. Her voice dissipated his fears and worries. Her touch comforted his ailing soul. Oh, how he wished her lips could be a comfort as well. He was done trying to put up a front. Yet he wasn’t sure if she was. I don’t want to think anymore. I just want to hear her voice and forget about this for a while. He clicked her name and awaited her answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jenna.”

“Oh. Hey. How are you?” The tone indicated she had been caught off guard by his call.

“Gravely ill. But so what else is new?”

“Rough day?”

“You know the drill. Expelling my guts out both ends then sleeping the day away.”

“Sounds about right.”

JC sighed. “I wish I had my shit together, Jenna.”

“Looks deceive, Josh. You could have everything society thinks is the measure of success but still have a gnawing feeling it’s not right for you. But you ignore it because you’re so desperate for that so called perfect life and don’t give a damn if it kills you.”

That’s the most she’s told me about herself. “Did that happen to you?”

“I thought I had everything. My ex had just proposed and we were going to be that picturesque couple with all the trimmings. I'd been hired full time for the first time in over a year. I thought, yeah I've made it. I'm set. Oh how wrong I was.”

“Why do you say that?”                                                                                                                    

“The engagement fell apart only a few months later and the job was nothing like I hoped. My boss is the Devil's incarnate. I hate him with a passion but yet I have to smile and take the beatings day after day.”

“I know that feeling. What kinds of things does he say to you?”

“Words that shouldn't be said to anyone let alone to a woman.” She sighed. “Why are you so interested in my feelings anyway?”

“Because it's not just me in this friendship.” As much as I’d like it to be more. “It's not just my problems, Jenna. Healthy relationships involve give and take. And I want to give you what you've given me.”

She sighed again. “I don't need anything in return”

"You do. You're just too stubborn to admit it because you don't want to have your heart ripped out of your chest."

Jenna muttered an expletive under her breath. "You're driving me crazy, Joshua."

She knows how to run in the other direction from good intentions. "Same goes to you, Jenna."

"Ah, mutual irritation. Gotta love it."

“You're a smart one, aren't you?"

Jenna chuckled. "It's been known to happen."

"Not only that, you have a beautiful soul. I just wish you could see that. You're so kind and giving."

"Well, thank you. I'm glad you noticed."

“It’s hard not to. You’ve been here for me in a lot of ways. I don't see how you can give so much and not want anything in return."

“It’s like you said. I give in hopes the other person will do the same, but they rarely do. So, I don’t...  No, I shouldn’t. I’ve said enough already.”

“Not really. I was just starting to get to know you on a deeper level.”

“It’s better you don’t right now. I have to go.” She hung up.

Well, that wasn’t the pleasant conversation I’d hoped for. She had a treacherous edge to her voice tonight. What had been bothering her? The dynamic seemed tenser now. What had he done to receive such a reception? Or maybe something changed on her end? I hope it's not irreparable. I really enjoy having Jenna around. It's such a shame she doesn't see herself as I do. But quite frankly I don't know how much longer I can offer my affections only to meet a brick wall. She starts to crack but then patches it almost as quickly. What is she so afraid of? Probably the same the same thing you are. Getting hurt.

Still, he still had a sneaking suspicion she was hiding something. What, he didn’t know. Maybe she’d gotten into an argument with a boyfriend. Or had a bad day at work? Speaking of her job… no, she wouldn’t set me up like that. Or maybe her boss is. She’d mentioned him on several occasions recently. Maybe this guy was pressuring her to write a story about JC’s imminent death. This wasn’t the truth, even though JC felt like dying some days. God, I hope that wasn’t her intention from the beginning. Then she would be no better than the others and I would be a fool to fall for that shit again. He groaned. Damn you, Jenna. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe what I’ve seen. But it’s getting harder.

Then why don't you ask her? Oh sure, that'll be a great conversation starter. "Hey Jenna, have you been playing me this whole time just for career gain?" He snorted as her words from yesterday played in his head. She looked so sincere. As he had said before, she didn't seem like a fake. Then again, I'm not the best judge of character as my life demonstrates.

Come on, Chasez. What’s so different about this potential story? Other people with nothing to do are sitting around making up shit to publish. It was because he was directly involved. Random faceless bloggers could say what they want about his circumstances. But Jenna had infiltrated his inner circle and climbed inside his heart. He didn’t want to be in love with her, but it turned out that way. Part of him refused to believe she would set him up. Not the woman who had been a companion, took him to his treatment and held him while he cried.

He sighed in resignation. Something has to give soon enough. We can't keep dancing around this boundary. I have to have an answer. My circumstances are uncertain enough as it is; I need to know what’s going on.

Chapter 20

Morning announced its return with beaming light through JC’s window. He rubbed his eyes and snorted. Too damn bright, he thought. Yet I don’t have the strength to go close the curtains and block it out. You just had to pull the bright and cheery act today, didn’t you, universe?

He grumbled into his pillow. What’s the fucking point of getting out of bed today? Any result will more than likely mean more treatment, which means more puking out my guts and wishing I was dead. It’s hellish enough trying to live day after day; I rather not think about the possibility of being on treatment for the rest of my life. And lord knows how long that might be. This disease could possibly kill me in a month, six months or a year.

Why don’t I just curl up and die?  It would be easier. The people I love wouldn’t be burdened with taking care of me. I wouldn’t have to be in pain anymore. God, why don’t you let me die? Why do you keep me here in this desolate and empty desert? No oasis to quench my thirst for normalcy or vegetation to restore my faith in color.  Again, I ask ‘Why?’” Why am I even here? Why must you torture me so? He heard no answer. Not that he expected to; his prayers had gone unanswered for some time. God’s probably not even listening to me right now anyway.

I wish I could stay in bed and not have to interact with anyone. Everyone will probably try to feed me positive bullshit that I don’t believe and sounds trite after the first five times. I have nothing to gain from the world today nor do I have anything to offer.

"Can’t you go blind someone else for once?” He growled as the sunlight crept further into his room. He then buried his face deeper into his pillow.

His phone buzzed again. “Shit,” JC mumbled. “Who wants to give me bad news now?” He glanced at the screen and noticed Jenna’s name. Oh, so now you want to talk? You weren’t so eager yesterday.

“Hello?” he answered groggily.

“Hey. Did I wake you, sweetie?”

Sweetie? This is new. “Nah, you’re good. What’s up?”

“Would you have time to talk this afternoon?”

Honestly, I want to be left alone today. But then this must be important if she’s initiating this. I don’t have the heart to turn her down. “I have a doctor’s appointment at 12:30 but that’s it. Why?”

“I need to tell you something.”

Good. I might actually get some answers. “Does it have to do with why you’ve been so on edge?”

“It’s the exact reason. Are you angry?”

He shook his head. “No. I just want answers. I don’t have time to fool with games.”

“You’re right.  Please don’t think badly of me.”

He cracked a smile. “Jenna, it would have to be downright treason for that to happen.”

She cleared her throat. “I do like being around you, JC. And I don’t want to keep secrets from you.”

Again, she deflected that away awfully quick. “We’ll talk this out and go from there. Don’t worry, okay?”

“I won’t. Let me know how the appointment goes.”

I don’t buy the tone. She’s really worried about this. “I’ll tell you when you get here. Is it alright if I text you when I get back?”

“Peachy. I’ll see you soon.”

He shook his head as they hung up. Dammit, Jenna Timbrook. You’re making it harder and harder to get close to you. Why do you open the door only to slam it in my face? We need to get to the bottom of this. I can’t keep running into a brick wall. Her explanation better be good.

Karen rapped on his door a moment later. “Joshua, are you awake? It’s noon. We have to leave for the doctor in ten minutes.”

Wonderful. Let’s see how many more months my prison sentence will last. “Coming,” JC mumbled. At least I don’t take forever to get ready these days. He’d slept in yesterday’s t-shirt and pants and he never removed his beanie hat unless he was showering. He grabbed his sunglasses from the side table and found a pair of flip flops and before heading downstairs.

Roy and Karen were waiting by the front door when JC reached the foot of the stairs. His mom kissed her cheek. “Hi sweetie. How are you today?”

He smiled lightly at his mother’s affection. His stomach churned in guilt. I can’t tell her about those thoughts. It’ll scare her to death, no pun intended. “Hanging in there. Ready to get this appointment out of the way.”

“I think we all are, son.” Roy said. He opened the door. “Shall we go?”

JC sighed. “Might as well.”

“What kind of result are you hoping for?” Roy asked once the trio was in the car.

JC shrugged. “Haven’t thought about it. What about you?”

“I hope the cancer isn’t worse. That this medication they’re giving you hasn’t inadvertently caused the cells to grow or metastasize elsewhere in your body.”

Oh God, I hope not. That’s the last thing I need right now.

His parents started discussing possible outcomes further and JC tuned them out. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. He’d only been awake almost 20 minutes but it felt like an eternity to his body and mind. He had gone from wishing he was knocking on Death’s door to putting on a fake smile to hide the pain. Isn’t that what you have to do sometimes? Pick yourself off the floor and force a presentable persona to the world? He remembered doing that many a morning after leaving Jive.  At the time, he thought nothing could be worse than the emotional pain he was in during that period. At least then I had the option to sing to myself if I needed comfort. Now I don’t even have that. He sighed, a tear brimming from his left eye. I just don’t understand. Why did cancer choose to destroy my life? Not that I wish this on anyone, but couldn’t it have someone else’s life to wreck? I’m glad I put on sunglasses so they can’t see. He cleared his throat.

15 minutes later, the group was waiting in an exam room as Dr. Franklin arrived. “Hello everyone! How are we doing today?”

JC shook his doctor’s hand. “I’m here. That should be enough, right?”

“Of course it is.” Dr. Franklin greeted his parents before opening his iPad case. “JC, you’ve passed the three month mark in treatment. That means we’re halfway through phase one. Information we gather from today’s scan will help us determine what route we will take next.”

I can’t gather the energy to be excited about that. This war has worn me down to the depth of my soul.

“That is wonderful news!” Karen studied JC’s expression. “Aren’t you excited, honey?”

JC shrugged. “It’s good, I guess. No day differs from the next for me anymore.”

“What does this entail, Doctor?” Roy asked.

“It’s pretty simple procedure, really. I use a 2 millimeter wide camera to look at the tumor. He has to drink some numbing agent so his gag reflex won’t swallow the device.”

Karen shuddered and Dr. Franklin touched her hand reassuringly. “It doesn’t last long. The last time I did this, he regained feeling within minutes. It’ll be fine.”

Compared to what I’ve been through in the past 24 hours, this will be a piece of cake. At least I won’t feel any pain from this procedure. “He knows what he’s doing. I trust him.”

His mother relaxed slightly. If her son could trust the doctor, so could she. “Will we be allowed in with him?”

Dr. Franklin nodded. “Of course. I’m not removing anything today. It’s mainly a progress check. If you’re ready, you all may follow me.”

JC hopped off the patient table. I don’t want to spend another second here than I have to.

The doctor chuckled. “Someone is eager to get this out of the way.”

“Yeah,” JC replied with a slight smile.

The group went to the same exam room where JC’s first procedure took place. “Recognize this, JC?”

All too well.  “Yeah.” The material hissed as he sat down in the chair.

“Karen, Roy, we’ve provided chairs for you all over here,” Dr. Franklin motioned to the right corner of the room.

“Is Colleen coming?” JC asked.

Dr. Franklin shook his head. “Nope, I’m doing everything today. I thought you might like that better.”

“Yeah, she didn’t exactly ease my mind.”

“What will happen today is you’ll take the solution and I’ll scan your throat with the camera to see what your mass has been up to since surgery. Your parents will be able to see what it looks like on the screen while it’s in there; I’ll also take pictures to show you afterwards. Then, based on what I see, I’ll make a recommendation. But that is always up for negotiation. Sound good?”

The patient nodded. “Bring it on.”

“Then here’s this.” Dr. Franklin handed JC the vial of clear liquid. Last time I was terrified of this stuff. Now I kind of wish it lasted longer so I don’t have to feel the pain of the coughing fits.

He ingested the familiar salty concoction. The bitterness wasn’t quite so shocking as the previous time, but still a formidable foe. The numbness overtook him within a minute.

“You ready, son?” Dr. Franklin asked with a masked face and gloved hands.

JC internally rolled his eyes. Just do it. Quit asking me stupid questions. He opened his mouth in response.

The physician picked up his camera and moved it towards JC’s mouth. Then he gently maneuvered it into JC’s throat until he got the desired angle to see the mass. Dr. Franklin sighed exasperatedly and shook his head.

“What do you see, Doctor?” Karen inquired.

“The mass looks about the same as it did after surgery.”

You mean I’ve gone through Hell and back and I’m still not better?  Wonderful. Just wonderful. JC clenched his fists on the chair’s arms.  

“I know, JC. I’m just as frustrated as you are.” Dr. Franklin retracted the camera from his throat.

You’re not the one living in this hell day in and day out. How dare you try to say you know how I feel? The patient bit his lip to keep from screaming or cursing. Not that I can right now since that stuff is still on my chords.

“What happens next?” Karen asked.

“We keep doing treatment. I’m going to increase the dosage of one drug to see if that will help any. The current cocktail is only containing the remaining cells, not shrinking them.”

“Will it make his side effects worse?” Karen asked.

“I don’t think so. I’ve given that dosage to other patients and it doesn’t make the side effects worse. That doesn’t mean he won’t have them. That won’t change.”

“Yesterday he couldn’t keep even water down,” Roy said.

Dr. Franklin frowned. “Unfortunately, that is a common effect from chemotherapy. Is that a regular occurrence?”

Oh please. Heaven forbid I have to go through yesterday again. JC shook his head.

“I think that was the first time he’s been that ill.” Karen added.

“Keep a close eye on that for me. If that continues for a significant amount of time, I’ll substitute one of the medications for another.”

Define significant. Even a second is a significant amount of time for me these days. The patient groaned.

“Do you think he’ll need another round of treatment?” Roy asked.

Gavin shrugged. “I don’t know. It depends on how well this medication increase goes in the next few months. The new combination could do the trick or make the tumor worse. I can make an educated guess as a doctor, but the human body can decide to go in a different direction.”

He then turned to JC. “Do you have any questions for me?”

What is there to ask? I’m doomed to several more months in this hell and there’s no way out. The numbing agent had worn off but he had zero desire to speak to his doctor. He shook his head.

“I’m sorry he’s not so talkative today,” Karen replied.

“Don’t apologize. I don’t take it personally. Sometimes, patients get so consumed with living this reality that they don’t want to talk about it more than they have to.”

Thank you, God. He understands what I’m thinking. JC smiled genuinely at Gavin. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I can tell you’re burning out. The next few months will be just as taxing, if not more so. You’ll need your support system more than ever. Let them be there for you.”

I will if they want to stay around. He shook his doctor’s hand.

Dr. Franklin patted his shoulder. “Take care, JC.”

“I’ll try.”

One uneventful car ride later, the Chasezes were back at JC’s house. Karen made her son a turkey and cheese sandwich. JC took his time with eating. Luckily, nothing regurgitated this time. He was relieved after not bring able to keep anything down the previous day. Still, he wished he could enjoy food more. That was one of the main things cancer had robbed him of. He couldn’t find joy in any part of life because it had become such a task to survive.

 After lunch, JC and Roy settled in to the living room to watch a LA Dodgers baseball game on TV. “Have you heard from Jenna recently?”

That’s right, she did call me earlier. “Yeah. She said she wants to tell me something.”

“Did she give you any indication of what that might be?”

JC shook his head. “No. I’m getting frustrated with the situation. She opens up a little bit only to slam the door in my face.”

“She’ll explain herself in time. Maybe today is that day.”

How he know that? He hasn’t talked to her much that I know of. JC groaned while reaching for his phone. “I don’t have the energy for this shit.”                                                                                        

Roy smirked. “He says while getting out his phone to text said woman in question.”

“Shut up, Dad.” He’s right, though. Despite all that, I still want to see her. Why am I doing this to myself? “I’m home now. Let me know when you want to come over,” he typed.

“I’m right, aren’t I?”

JC rolled his eyes. “Yes, you are Dad. I just hope today is the end of the games and we can be one or the other.”

“You like having her around. I know you do.”

“Yeah, I do. But she makes it hard to get close to her when she casts out bait only to reel it back in.”

“Loving women isn’t always easy, son. Even after all these years, your mother and I have our disagreements. But it’s worth it because of what we’ve built together.”

“I can’t think that far ahead right now.”

“You don’t have to. Just see what she says and figure out where to go from there.”

JC’s phone buzzed. Jenna had texted back. “I can be there around 4, would that work?”

Here goes nothing. “Sure.” He typed.

JC zoned out from his surroundings after a while. I don’t understand her. There’s nothing for her to gain here. Although if my theory from yesterday is true… maybe her boss is telling her to be nice to me so he can screw me over. But that didn’t seem right. She had only been especially jumpy the past few weeks. She has a past, too you know. Maybe some guy hurt her just like women have done to you. Even so, having my affections meet a brick wall is getting old. I think I’ll give her a taste of her own medicine. See how it feels.

Roy nudged JC around four o’clock. “Hey, I think your lady friend is at the door.”

He smiled wryly. Why does the thought of her still make me smile?  “Will you answer it, please?”

“Sure.” His father left the room.

JC grunted and stood up in preparation for Jenna’s arrival. You better make this worth it, Timbrook.

She appeared a moment later, tiredness apparent in her features. Her eyes were half open and blue hues lined underneath, her hair was windblown and the top button of her button down shirt exposed her well-toned décolleté. Regardless, she smiled brightly as the sight of him.  “Hey.”

Even when you’re tired you look beautiful. “Hey Jenna.”

She wrapped him in her arms. Dammit, she feels heavenly. He returned her affection by doing the same for her. Good going, Chasez. So much for trying to resist her. Something about her size and stature allowed her to completely embrace him from all angles. At least for that moment, he was in a warm and safe place. I wish you would let us do this more often. I could stay in your arms forever.

They broke away a few moments later. “How are you feeling?”
He shrugged. She, like Karen, didn’t need to know about his death wishes. “I’m alive, I guess. Whether it’s a good or bad thing remains to be seen.”

“Of course it’s a good thing! You get to see me, don’t you?”

JC smirked. “Yeah. You have a point.” He attempted to clear his throat, which lead him to start coughing. Perfect timing, body. Just perfect. We could have had another moment there.

“Do you need anything?”

He shook his head and he held up a hand to excuse himself for a moment.

After a few minutes of violent coughing in the bathroom, the fit subsided. I absolutely hate those fits. But it could be worse. I could be regurgitating everything I’ve consumed. He also felt a little nauseous, so he decided to relieve himself for good measure. Then hopefully Jenna and I can figure out what her deal is. I’m getting tired of this act.

“For the last time, Derek, I refuse to hurt someone I care about for the sake of money!” Jenna barked as JC left the restroom.

He froze in his tracks and his heart sank. Shit… has she been playing me this whole time? What does she mean by that? He tip toed to the living room entrance. Jenna was sitting on his couch and he could tell she was angry. She was breathing heavily, her left hand was clenched tightly in a fist and her right leg swung impatiently on top of a crossed formation.

That explains everything. I should have seen this coming from a mile away. Some greedy dickhead is using her to make money and generate publicity for his publication. She said she refuses to hurt me but does she really mean that?

Her voice intensified. “Even if I was, it’s none of your DAMN business. NONE of this is your business. You know what? GOOD DAY!” She hung up.

JC cleared his throat. “Is there something I need to know about?”

Jenna whipped around and her jaw dropped.

Chapter 21

“Oh, uh, hi. Yes, there is something you need to know about,” Her left leg started shaking.

JC clenched his fists and approached her. “Is that what you’ve been doing this whole time? Getting me to trust you and have feelings for you only to screw me over?”

Jenna scoffed, crossing her arms. “No, of course not! Like I said, I want to talk about that. It’s not what you think it is! I promise!”

“I’m not sure I want to know the answer now.” He groaned and shook his head. “Shit, Jenna. What is it about me that prompt women like you to walk all over me?”

“What do you mean women like me? I’ve only been nice to you! I’ve taken you to treatments and been over here practically every day for lord knows how long.”

“But maybe kindness wasn’t your motive.” He stepped closer.

Jenna shot up and glared at him. “Excuse me? How dare you tell me what my motives are when you won’t listen to me!”

“I’ve seen it before. You’re all fake, manipulative, stupid and only after the money. Admit it.”

Jenna opened her mouth but words failed.

“See, that proves my point. You can’t even come up with a defense for yourself.”

“That’s not it!” she spat. “I can’t believe you right now. You’ve asked me to talk about myself; I was willing to open up but not now if you just cut me down like this!”

He shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

“Maybe in your mind.” Jenna picked up her purse. “I feel sorry for you right now.”

JC narrowed his eyes. “Sorry? What the hell do you mean?”

“Look, I don’t know who hurt you in the past. But you’re assuming I’m like her for whatever reason. And I don’t think it’s fair that you’re punishing me for what she did. That’s why you’re alone. You don’t trust anyone new who shows you kindness because you’re so convinced we’re all the same. Newsflash: maybe I’m not her. Maybe not everyone is out to get you.”

“GET OUT!” He bellowed. Where the fuck did that come from?

Jenna gasped and froze for a moment. Her eyes widened in recognition and bit her lip to block any impending emotion.

“I SAID GET OUT!”

She scurried away without another word.

What have I done? Fuck, what does it matter? I can't stand to look at her right now, let alone consider her feelings. She's dead to me. A muscle in his neck started throbbing. He groaned and folded his arms and massaged the area in attempts to quell the pain. Gah, will you please not do this, body? If it’s not illness killing me, it’s emotions. Fuck this shit. Fuck it all. Why can’t I go back to not feeling a damn thing at all? Life will be so much easier. I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed today. Everyone has fucked me over the past 10 years anyway. I’m stupid to expect better. All I’m asking for is genuine interest and support. Evidently that is too much to ask of people.

Karen rushed in the room, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Is everything okay, honey?”

No, Mom. My world is fucked up. “Buzz off,” he growled. “I don’t want to talk about it right now and I recommend you leave me alone for a long time.”

She nodded and left the room.

JC sighed. You know what? I don’t want to think, feel or be aware of anything around me. I think I’ll watch some movies and call it a night. A Harry Potter marathon sounds like a great idea right now.

A bout of nausea erupted halfway through the second movie. Unfortunately he didn’t make it to the bathroom and vomited on the carpet. Roy and Karen came in to help him clean up the mess. Roy then guided him up the stairs to his bedroom. That’s it. I’m not getting out of bed tomorrow. That wore me out to the core. The world is conspiring against me anyway.

Pitch black surrounded him hours later. He looked at the clock. 4:10 a.m. That usually means I’ve been out drinking excessively and just got home. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. Damn, I was an asshole to Jenna, wasn’t I? I didn’t give her a chance to explain herself. Tonight might have turned out much differently had I done so.

 Her last glance had a hint of recognition, as if someone had treated her that way before. Maybe her father or an ex-boyfriend. I’d love to give that person a piece of my mind. Jenna’s a gentle soul; I can’t imagine anyone willingly hurting her. Well, that’s what you did, asshole. I didn’t mean to, though. Doesn’t matter. You still hurt her and she may never want to talk to you again. JC grunted and adjusted his position in the bed. You win, disembodied voice. I’m a disgusting human being for bringing those memories to the forefront.

She probably thinks I’m some sort of heartless monster; truth is, I can’t bear the thought of laying my hands on anyone. A man who truly loves his woman would never do that. He grunted as he turned over once again. Why are you bringing the word ‘love’ into the conversation? You feel an attraction towards Jenna, but it’s not love yet. Even so, a decent guy would never consider that option.

JC’s romantic escapades ran the gamut from one night stands to marriage potential and everything in between. Overall, he tried to treat women with the respect they deserved. Of course, he had moments he wasn’t proud of; he was only human after all. Nevertheless, Jenna was right. One relationship had hurt him almost beyond recognition and the aftermath altered his trust of women as romantic partners. The current circumstances elicited a strong sense of déjà vu. He couldn’t bear possibility repeating that time in his life.

He and Eva met at some celebrity gathering ten years ago. She was fresh off a divorce and looking to launch an acting career. He wanted comfort while dealing with an uncooperative record label. Looking back, their affair was based on physical attraction; they both were lonely people looking for company. They had a lot of sex. Somehow, he fell hard for this woman. To this day he didn’t know why. But he did.

Towards the end, Eva drifted away emotionally: she didn’t make eye contact, clammed up when he asked about her day, would show affection for the cameras but would ignore him once an event started or at home. He asked her several times if she was happy with him; she always put on that fake Hollywood smile and said yes. Over time, that answer wore on him and this caused many arguments. She accused him of being insecure and he thought secrets shouldn’t exist between them. One night, he was driving them home from dinner. That day with Jive executives had been particularly frustrating, and traffic was aggravating in itself. So, he was already in a bad mood. Eva told him something trivial; he responded with “Goddammit, Eva!”

“What is wrong with you?”

That proceeded into an argument while he drove 75 mph with four lanes of traffic going each direction. Since he wasn’t paying attention, he swerved into the right lane, causing Eva to hit her head on the window and nearly crashed into the next car. That earned deafening honks from all directions. He immediately apologized and asked if she was okay but she ignored him. Neither one spoke the rest of the way. Once he pulled into her driveway, she slapped his left cheek several times and accused him of trying to kill her.

He knew right then the relationship was over. Not only did he have the guilt of psychically hurting the woman he loved, she punished him viciously. He knew it was the wrong place to respond in that fashion, but emotion had overtaken him. I can still hear the honks and squealing tires. If it had been a few seconds later… Stop it Chasez. That was a different situation. She’s long gone now. Still, he loved her: she was funny, vivacious, outgoing and fit into his looks type. He couldn’t muster up the strength to say the words. However, he didn’t have to as he walked in on Eva and Tony having sex in her bed.

Then a few weeks later, Eva did that infamous interview with Rolling Stone, which drove the stake in his heart further. He vowed to never fall so hard for anyone else again. He had invested all he had into their relationship and she didn’t respect him enough to keep the breakup private. Paparazzi found ways to use her comments against him for months afterward, which added insult to injury.

“For the last time, Derek, I refuse to hurt someone I care about for the sake of money!”

That sounds like she’s being pressured into this situation. It would explain her frequent unease the last few weeks. Bosses breathing down your neck are a pain in the ass and a half. And what does she mean by ‘care about’? That could translate to anything. But let’s say she does have real feelings for you. The last person she would tell is her conniving boss who’s trying to bank in on your pain. Right? He hit his head on the pillow. I’m fucking crazy. I’m getting into arguments with myself.

Now Jenna was sneaking into the depth of his heart in ways few others had. She could read him like a novel and that’s why he’d told her to leave. Because he hated how right she was. He hated how he couldn’t trust women enough to have a deep and intimate bond with them. He desired a love that knew all the edges, didn’t care about the image and still loved him anyway. But that required being vulnerable; too many people had taken advantage of his vulnerability. I refuse to go through that again. I won’t let her get to me.

Her face came to mind once again. You’ve got to be kidding. Way to pull on my heartstrings and guilt trip me again. He groaned. Shame on me for igniting fear in those eyes and making that body tremble in terror. I’m such a piece of shit. All I do is hurt those around me by being sick or expressing anger from the frustration. He snapped his middle finger from his thumb to his wrist. Ah! That surprisingly packs a punch. I wish Jenna could massage this. Shit, it always comes back to her, doesn’t it? Dammit Jenna, why do I care more about hurting you than I do myself? I’m already in way too deep aren’t I? He sighed and looked at his phone. 5:30 a.m. I need rest. I’ll talk to Dad about this when I wake up. That could be anywhere from an hour to 18 hours from now. All I know is I need rest. He inhaled and let the warmth move through his body. After 15 minutes of repeated breathing, slumber overtook him.

“Hey, Josh.”

JC half opened his eyes. Roy was shaking him awake with a concerned look on his face. His eyes were wider than usual, as was his mouth. “You still alive?”

The younger man yawned. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You happen to have this thing called cancer.”

JC smirked. “Heh, thanks for the reminder. Like I don’t already know that.”

“It’s 5:00 p.m., son. Your mom and I have tried to wake you up several times today but you haven’t budged.”

Oh, I don’t blame him for being scared, then. “I’m sorry, Dad.”

“It’s okay, Josh. I just want to make sure you’re functioning. I worry about you, too.” Roy squeezed his hand.

His son smiled wanly. “Thank you. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for anything.  How was your sleep?”

“I woke up at 4 a.m.”

“Were you sick?”

He shook his head. “No. I was mad at myself.”

“What for?”

“I yelled at Jenna last night, as you may have guessed. I feel like shit about it because she looked terrified of me.”

“Why do you say that?”

“She stopped for a second and her eyes got real big.”

“Let’s backtrack for a second. Why did you tell her to leave?”

“I overheard her talking to someone on the phone. She said that she refused to hurt me for the sake of money.”

“Do you know who this person is?”

“No. My theory is it’s her boss who’s using her to make money off me.”

Roy nodded in understanding.

“She works for a local music magazine as a writer and she’s mentioned that her boss has been a pain in the ass the past few weeks. I’m afraid she might pull an Eva on me, only as the one writing the story, not being interviewed for one.”

“I see. If that’s the case, do you think she’ll write the piece in question?”

JC groaned. “I hope not. But when I think about it, I don’t know her all that well. When she’s here, we talk about MY problems. Which is fine. Still, I’d like to give some of that energy back to her. She makes it hard by shutting down when anything personal comes up.”

“She probably has broken hearts, dreams and relationships like you do. You can’t know everything about the person from the beginning. Otherwise, there’s no room for growth.”

“You’re right. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because she’s a new person. On the other side of the coin, a similar situation burned me to ashes in the fire. It’s influenced every relationship since then. So I’m terrified of feeling that pain again, especially with everything else going on.” He coughed.

“Wow! That’s the first time coughing hasn’t led to a catastrophic coughing fit.”

“Now that you mention it, that’s true. Cool.”

“That’s all you have to say? Cool?”

“Dad, I don’t have the energy to do backflips around the room.”

Roy chuckled. “Okay, okay. Back to the subject at hand. It’s not fair to punish those in your future or present for what your past did.”

“Logically I know that, but my heart has a hard time following.”

“I understand. But what if the picture you expect to see isn't the one that's there?”
JC’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”
“You've come to expect mistreatment since you’ve experienced it both professionally and personally. I’m not saying you did this knowingly, but you set a low expectation in your head. So, if someone performed at or below that standard, you wouldn’t get hurt.”

JC bit his lip.  He just nailed it on the head and knows me all too well. “How do you know that?”

“I’ve been your dad for 37 years. I think I know a thing or two about you.” Roy winked.

“She told me the same thing you did. I got angry about what I heard and then she got mad because I made assumptions that might not be true because of said anger. So, I didn’t give her a change to defend or explain herself. Which I should have. I need to apologize to her. I don’t know if she’ll accept it or not.

You never know unless you ask. She’s a special lady, Josh. I don’t think you want this to possibly slip out of your grasp.”

“I don’t either. But I’m afraid that may have already happened.” JC sighed. “Can you get me a little something to eat? Maybe some yogurt or something like that?”

“Sure. I’ll go see what your mom stocked in the fridge.”

JC was able to stomach some yogurt and granola. After that, he took a bath with Epsom salt to ease his aching muscles from lying in bed all day. He dressed in a shirt and boxers and settled in for another night alone.

I really wish Jenna was here. I bet she’s heavenly to cuddle with. I would melt in those arms. Her frame was wider than his, but it didn’t bother him. In fact that lead to comforting hugs as he’d experienced several times. He closed his eyes, picturing how their hands fit together the few times they’d touched. She’d held his hand after taking him to treatment and he didn’t move. She’s been here so much recently that it feels wrong not having her here. Gah, I’d give anything for her to be here right now. I’m such an ass for treating her like I did. She doesn’t owe you any response, you know. She has every right to ignore you if she wants to. He rubbed his left palm in between his thumb and middle finger, trying to recreate her distinctive touch. I know she doesn’t. Still, I didn’t expect to miss someone this much when I barely even know her.

I have to apologize. The guilt is going to eat me alive until I do. He clicked her name in his contact list and waited for a tone. One ring sounded, then two. My hands are shaking. I shouldn’t be this nervous. Rings three and four passed by like the previous two. At last, a voicemail started playing:

“Hi, you’ve reached Jenna’s cell phone. I'm currently unavailable. Please leave me a message and I’ll return your call ASAP. Thank you and have a great day.” (beep)

He sighed. Can’t say I’m surprised. She probably saw it was me and ignored the call. I’ll leave a message anyway.

“Hey Jenna, it’s JC. Listen, I’m sorry I yelled at you. Yesterday was an emotional day and what I overheard was the spark that ignited the fire. If you’d still like to explain what’s going on, I’m willing to listen. Or you could completely ignore this call and message. The choice is yours. So, maybe I’ll talk to you soon? I don’t know. Later.”

Chapter 22

“Is a former boyband star hanging by a thread? Brandy Dillard has the story.”

“That’s news to me,” JC muttered. “Never mind that I feel like dying most days. But I’m still here, unless my heart or brain stops functioning.”

A young, plastic looking woman with caked on makeup appeared onscreen. “Thank you, Hannah. Yes, sources close to JC Chasez say his condition has taken a turn for the worse. Chasez was diagnosed with stage one vocal cancer in February. The source, who asked to remain anonymous, says the disease has metastasized into his brain…”

WHAT THE FUCK? This is getting way out of hand. I need to address this without airing my dirty laundry. His neck muscles stiffened again. Breathe, Chasez. It’s not worth losing your mind over. He massaged the area, knowing full well the effort was futile.

“The star has kept a low profile recently. He was last photographed with an unknown brunette on the campus of Norris Hospital near USC June 7. If you ask me, she could stand to lose a few pounds.”

“No one asked your opinion, bitch.” He grumbled. “Jenna’s beautiful and has a heart unlike you.”

“Calls made to Chasez’s manager regarding this story were not returned. We’ll keep you informed with further developments.”

“Fuck you,” He growled as he turned off the TV. “My life belongs to me. Don’t you have more important people to talk about?” At least Eric isn’t pulling an Eva on me. Or maybe he’s so sick of the situation that he wanted to wash his hands clean.  Why can’t people fuck off? I’ve already been humiliated far too many times in my career.

Now, who gave them that bullshit? I hope to God it wasn’t Jenna. Or maybe she refused and that person decided to go with whatever plan they had. Fuck, this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Something to steal my energy and mind away from beating cancer. Fuck my life. I should go back to bed and not deal with this. As if on cue, his phone buzzed. Jenna was calling him back. Wow, she actually called me back. I still owe her an apology, despite what I feel right now.

“Hey Jen.” He answered, attempting to conceal his anger.

“How did you know it was me?”

“Have you heard of caller ID?”

Jenna chuckled. “Oh, dear.”

“Listen, I’m sorry I yelled at you…”

She cut him off. “I’m sorry, too. I should’ve kept you informed. You have every right to be mad at me.”

“But so do you. I didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself. That was wrong of me.”

Jenna paused for a second.  “Yeah, that did hurt. You started hurling insults before I could clarify anything. You’ve encouraged me to talk about myself and I was this close to opening up.”

“And I probably fucked up that chance, didn’t I?”

“Not necessarily,” Jenna replied. “I wouldn’t have called you back if I didn’t have any desire to set the record straight. Really though, I should have told you.”

“That’s okay. We’ll talk about it and see what happens next.”

She sighed. “Oh, Joshua.”

“What do you keep saying that for?”

“It’s a phrase I use. I was just noticing how we’re defending each other from ourselves and we’re not even dating yet.”

“Well, good friends do that, right?”

“Right. But who says lovers can’t do it, too?”

Damn this girl is confusing me even more by the day.

She gasped. “Crap, I’m getting too deep here. We need to sort out that dynamic in person.”

‘That dynamic’, huh? The sooner, the better babe. “Can you stop by tonight?”

“I’ll be glad to. Can I text you when I get off, see how things are going by then?”

“Yeah, fine. Hopefully my body will cooperate this time.” He coughed.

“Hopefully so. I’ll let you go, then. See you later.”

“See ya.”

JC groaned after they hung up. Jenna Timbrook, you’ll be the death of me. I wish I knew your middle name so I could curse you that much harder. This will be a long day waiting to hear what she means by that. And now that I’ve heard this newscast… I have more questions than ever. He shook his head. Gah, I need to get out of here. Get out of this house, get away from this hellish life. I want to forget that I’m sick for once and not have this hanging over my head.

A knock sounded at his door. “What?” JC replied curtly.

Karen stepped in. “Hey Josh, you want to go to the beach today?”

“Ummm, why?”

“It’s a nice day out and we all could use a change of scenery. Do you think you feel well enough?”
“I think I could manage an hour, maybe a couple if we’re lucky. I was just thinking I wanted to get out of the house today.”

Karen smiled. “I’m glad to hear that. Do you need help getting dressed?”

JC scrunched his face. I’m a grown ass man, Mom. I think I can handle it.

She laughed. “Okay. I’m overstepping my bounds here.”

“I know a private one we can go to. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.”

His mother nodded. “I understand. We can take those precautions.”

JC and his parents stepped outside about an hour later. Across the street, he noticed a young man with a camera bag on his arm and the camera in his hands.  He shook his head. What a pathetic life you must lead, dude. Lurking behind stranger’s houses for the ‘golden’ picture when all you’re doing is pissing off your subjects. The paparazzo saw JC and lifted his contraption to take a picture. JC gritted his teeth under a fake closed lip smile and cordial wave. Keep your composure. It’s not worth your energy

“You didn’t have to acknowledge him, Josh.” Roy said once the trio settled in his car.

JC shrugged. “It beats the alternative. Some will chase you down the street and curse in your face if you ignore them. So even though I’m pissed as hell, I did my usual thing when I see one.”

“I don’t know how you stay so calm. It took everything I had not to approach that young man,” Karen said.

“Unfortunately I’m used to this. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to watch my back wherever I go. I shouldn’t have to worry about being harassed when I have every right as everyone else to exist in peace.” He stroked his chin as he spoke. “The beach I’m thinking of is a little ways out of the way. Is that okay?”

Roy nodded. “That’s fine, son. Your peace of mind is priceless. Just give me the directions.”

About an hour later, the trio had arrived in Malibu. JC didn’t go often because of the traffic congestion. The sight was quite welcoming nonetheless. The endless azure sky reigned over the horizon and the white gold sand kissed his feet. The salty breeze caressed his cheeks. The clientele on these beaches were typically much older and wouldn’t care who he was. Nonetheless, he put on his Dodgers baseball cap and sunglasses as a disguise.

He and Karen carried low recliner beach chairs on the sand at the water’s edge.  JC sat down and let the water tease his toes as it ventured on and offshore. I didn’t know how much I needed this until now. This is relaxing.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Josh?” she asked after a few minutes of silence.

He nodded. “I could go to sleep right now. Thank you for suggesting this.”

“You’re welcome. I thought a little sunshine and a nice breeze might do you some good.”

“You guessed right on that one.”

“How are things with Jenna?”

JC shrugged. “We’ll talk about it after she gets off work tonight. I got mad at her because I didn’t like what she said to someone else on the phone.”

“Do you know who that person was?”

“I have a theory. And yes, I did apologize to her,” he added to answer Karen’s questioning expression.

“I wouldn’t mind if you two worked it out.”

He half smiled. “Finally warming up to the idea?”

“I voiced my concerns with her one day while you weren’t in the room. She said she had no intentions of hurting you. That was a few weeks ago, but I would hope it still stands.”

“I told her she doesn’t strike me as a fake. But I’m not the best judge of character.”

“For what it’s worth, I think she’s a keeper. Still, that’s not my decision to make. You two have to work through the circumstances yourselves. It won’t be an easy task, of course.”

JC laughed, the first genuine one in some time. “That’s the understatement of the millennium.”

She squeezed his hand. “I love seeing you smile, sweetie. It’s a wonderful sight.”

He smiled. “Thanks, Mom. I like it, too. Hopefully the universe will give me more reasons to smile.”

“Even if not, try to find the good in each day. You can find it if you look hard enough.”

“I certainly have for today,” he sat back in his beach chair and inhaled more salty air.

Roy bought the family sub sandwiches for lunch. After they were finished, JC said he was ready to go back; he wanted to get some rest in preparation for his and Jenna’s emotional conversation that evening. They arrived back at JC’s place around one or two. He wasn’t paying attention, as he crashed on the down stairs couch in his beach wear.

In the late afternoon, he found himself in his studio downstairs. The room with two boards full of knobs, switches, and buttons that could manipulate or create any section of music. The dusty black microphone stand stood in the booth beyond the glass window above the glass window. The keyboard lived on the opposite wall, next to a worn out leather couch that he hadn’t bothered to replace. No one had visited this studio in years. Back when he was actively singing and producing, many friends and colleagues passed through this space, passing song and lyrics ideas off the other (while sometimes clashing about said ideas), phrases being sung behind the mic and simply enjoying making music. Those memories were mere ghosts now; he knew they existed but doubted he would ever see them again in this life.

Sometimes he unearthed buried feelings and invited them in his mind. I miss that so much. Everything about this process gave me life. It was my lifeblood. Music got me out of bed every morning. We were one with one another. I’d give ANYTHING to have that sense of purpose back. But I never will. It’s gone. Even if I beat cancer, my voice won’t be the same. It won’t have the same power, range and flexibility. I don’t have the strength to fight back right now. I should just give up. Nothing is helping. I should just sit here and fade away to nothingness. No one will notice. No one will care anyway.

Someone knocked at his door. His mind jolted; Wait, I’m still here and need to talk to Jenna. We need to have a heart to heart conversation. He inhaled and sighed.

“Anyone home?”

Apparently I am. He looked up from the keyboard. Jenna stood in the doorway in a teal t-shirt and khaki crops. Her features had a reddish tint and her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. You look beautiful even when you’re tired. “Hey Jen. Come in.”

She stepped in. “This is where you make music, eh?”

JC grimaced. “Made, actually. This room hasn’t much gotten much action recently.”

“Have you tried writing songs?” She sat down on the brown leather couch against the wall.

She didn’t initiate a hug. That’s a first. He spun his chair around to face her. “I’ve tried to, but the words aren’t there anymore.”

“You must miss it terribly.”

He sighed.  If you only knew what’s been running through my mind. “You have no idea. But that’s not the conversation we’re supposed to have today.”

She cleared her throat as her left leg fidgeted up and down. “You’re right. I’m scared to tell you, though.”

“Why?”

“It might give you the wrong impression of my intentions.”

“Speaking of, why were you so scared of me the other night?”

Jenna scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Well, no one likes being yelled at, JC. What did you expect me to do, smile like a maniac?”

“Of course not. But you looked genuinely afraid for your life. Like someone had done that to you before.”

“Dammit, you can read me all too well,” she muttered

Wonderful. We've arrived again at the forbidden subject.

She cleared her throat again and sat up a little straighter. “I am adopted, as you know. My biological parents were abusive, my father in particular. Getting yelled at and hit for trivial reasons were regular occurrences. The ire in your expression reminded me of him. I figured you never wanted to see me again anyway.”

“Maybe for a split second. Sweetie, I’m so sorry I brought back those memories. I was angry, confused and hurt by what I’d just heard and didn’t know what to think.”

“It’s okay. I know you wouldn’t do what he did.”
“No, I never would. I care about you too much.” Come on Jen, I wish you’d break your walls down some, even if it’s just a smidgen. I’m taking all the hits to the heart here. I still don’t know if you’re interested in me that way.

“So, you’re not mad at me for the other night?”

JC sighed. “Jenna, we wouldn’t be having this conversation if neither of us were willing participants.”

“I’ll get to the point then. My boss, Derek, wants me to write a fabricated expose about you dying from cancer.”

I figured as much. He scooted his chair towards her. “Since when?”

She furrowed her brows in concentration. “The subject came up in passing a several weeks ago. I said ‘no’ and that was the end of the conversation at that point. Now that you ask, I think the pressure intensified after I took you to treatment. And it hasn’t stopped since.”

That bitch on the news said I was last publicly photographed on that day. “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath as his jaw tightened.

Jenna frowned. “Are you mad at me?”

“No. I’m mad at people who won’t mind their damn business.”

“You and me both. I repeatedly said ‘His life isn’t your property to profit from’.  He responded with, ‘You’re only saying that because you’re dating his ass.’ I would reply that my dating life was none of his concern.”

He cleared his throat. “I saw a newscast this morning about me. Did you have anything to do with that?”

Jenna’s eyes widened in horror. “Dammit, he went through with it.  He was pressuring me into having something written by midnight last night. If I didn’t, he said he’d spread a story much worse than what he wanted me to write.” She bit her lip. “He also said if I didn’t make that deadline, he’d fire me. That hasn’t happened yet, but it’s probably imminent.”

He gasped. "No way."

She frowned. “Yeah."

JC sat back in his chair, the magnitude of the stakes dawning on him. My predicament will cost someone their job. Guilt swallowed him; he never wanted to inconvenience her. She’s losing her job because of me. Dammit, I didn’t want her to get hurt. He studied Jenna’s expression: furrowed brows, slightly scrunched up nose and visible dimples. That face can’t lie. She’s being forced into this.  He gulped. "I’m sorry you’re in that position right now.”

She shrugged. “Don’t worry about me; I’ll be fine. Why did that argument upset you?”

There she goes deflecting it off herself again. “I suspected it might be something like this. It’s not my first encounter with this kind of thing.”

“What do you mean?”

JC took a long swing of water before answering. “Eva, one of my exes, sold me out once. She said in an interview with Rolling Stone that I was inadequate and she’d had better sex with her vibrator.”

Jenna gasped. “She did not!”

He frowned. “I wish I was joking. She’d never indicated anything of the sort to my face nor did she have the decency to keep our breakup private.” He sighed. “It’s still a sore spot. So, I freaked out after overhearing that conversation. I’m sorry; I should have told you.”

Jenna laced her hands with his. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my situation. I was trying to protect you and us.”

Us? She must care at least somewhat. Her hands are so gentle. “I appreciate you coming clean. Are you going to help your boss spread more lies?”

She scowled. “Hell no. I refuse to hurt someone who’s an important person in my life just for the sake of money. Not to mention the headache that goes along with today’s nosey media culture.”
He sighed. “But I don’t want you to lose your job, either.”

She shook her head. “It wouldn’t be your fault; my boss is a money hungry asshole. I’ll take what we have over that any day.”

He raised his eyebrow. “What you do you mean ‘we’?”

Chapter 23

“Haven’t I made myself obvious? I have feelings for you, too.”

“Um, not exactly. The words might’ve been on the tip of your tongue, but they never came out.” Jenna sat up straighter and looked into his eyes. “Then, I’m spelling it out for you. I knew something would be different this time. Call it intuition, sixth sense, spirituality. Whatever it was, I was compelled to follow that feeling. I thought it was nuts at first. Even so, something told me you needed someone genuine; for some crazy reason I thought I would fit that role perfectly.”

JC smiled lightly. “You have. What I can’t wrap my mind around is how you give so much away yet want nothing in return.”

“Pbbbtt. That’s not it; I long to be appreciated by a non-familial male figure. Truth is though, I’m used to my needs getting stomped on that I stopped considering them valid.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way. Still, it’s an outright lie. It’s okay to accept support and let others take care of you.”

Her lips met his. Whoa, where did this come from? He closed his eyes and returned the motion while steadying himself with the chair’s arms. She tastes like mint but there’s something sweeter as well. Her lips are just as soft as I hoped they would be. I shouldn't be enjoying this. His bottom lip tensed up. She’ll get into even more trouble than she already is.

Jenna backed off and scooted down the couch slightly. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

JC shook his head. “Don’t apologize. I enjoyed that kiss. But I’m feeling a little guilty for doing so. Your boss could hurt you that much more if he found out."

She shrugged. "I'll deal with him. Don’t worry."

He groaned and slapped his thigh. That’s the second time tonight she’s done that. "Dammit, Jenna! Will you please stop with that spiel! When I pursue a romantic relationship, it's because I care. I care about what happens to you and how what I say and do impacts your life. It's isn't a one way thing; I want to be there for you, but you have to be willing to let me in."

She turned her face the other direction. His heart sank and stomach twisted. Shit, now I’ve probably hurt her further. This could slide downhill REAL fast. Then again I can’t keep offering my affections only to hit a stone wall. It won’t work like that.

She met his gaze again with tears in her eyes. “You're right. I've wanted to open up to you but I got scared for different reasons.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I frustrated you. I was trying to protect you from Derek and myself at the same time.”

JC moved over to the couch and grasped her hand. “I’m sorry, honey. I’m not mad at you, I promise.”

Jenna raised her free hand. “No, I totally get it. Your energy is limited; it should be spent working toward recovery. And I’ll help you if you want me to.”

“Of course I want you to! Otherwise I wouldn't have invited you back. Why do you hesitate, Jenna?”

She took a deep breath before answering. “Derek’s almost ruined my trust of new men.”

“How has he done that?” He swept his thumb across her palm.

“He degraded every move or decision I made. When I tried to call him out, he’d blame me.  Then he’d apologize and promise he’d never say or do that again. It never lasted; by the next day the promise didn't exist. Now, I recognize his abusive behavior and won’t tolerate the bullshit anymore. That’s why he wants to get rid of me.”

“What a piece of work," JC growled.

“I know. He is. I hate how much he’s affected me. Yet something about you broke through. What is it about you, Joshua Chasez? What's causing me to trust you and let my guard down?"

“I've asked myself the same question about you.  Nevertheless, whatever fall out that comes from this, I’m here to catch you.” He caressed her cheek with his hand. “I won’t let anything happen to you, okay?”

She sighed. “I put off dealing with the pain for too long. Now I realize how much this hurt me.”

“Come here,” JC closed his eyes and kissed her. She responded as he brushed hair away from her face. Their noses mushed against their cheeks from the close proximity. He caught another whiff of mint as their lips drifted between the top and bottom section. What is that? It’s different. I like it. She moaned slightly and he a sensed a smile starting breakthrough. That’s what I like to see.

They broke away and she grinned. “I had forgotten how reassuring a kiss can feel.”

“You haven’t had one recently?”

She blushed. “No. I could get used to this, though. Maybe I can survive what’s about to happen.”

“Of course you can. You've had tough stretches before; this will be one more. Think about the support you already have in your life. You must have at least a few.”

She nodded. “Derek’s the exception, not the rule. Several have told me to leave on numerous occasions. I should’ve listened.”

“Can’t change that, sweetie.  Constantly wondering ‘what if’ can drive anyone insane. All that matters is you’re supported and you’re loved.”

“So are you in your battle. I've seen the way your parents look at you. They’d take a bullet for you if they had to.”

“On that note, may I ask you something?”

“Sure. What’s up?”

JC cleared this throat. "Do you have any reservations about dating a cancer patient?"

She shook her head. "I'm not scared. My mom had an episode when I was a teen. I see no reason why you can't survive like she did."

"You think I can beat this?"

"Yes."

Wish I was as confident about that as you are. "Well, as far as this goes, it's going to go slow. For now, I need a companion more than anything. Someone to comfort me when I'm hurting, keep me company while I'm at treatment, a warm body to lie with me at night."

"I already do two of those things," she replied.

"That you do. But I want to be upfront about my needs so you know what you're getting into. My main priority is to get better. Nothing will deter me from that."

She nodded.

He sipped some more water. "But I'd like your help in making this ordeal easier."

Jenna furrowed her brows. "I'm willing to do that whether we’re dating or not. What’s going to change? I'm confused."

"More kissing and cuddling are involved. How's that for an answer?" He replied.

She chuckled. "I'm okay with that. I truly want to be there for you. So you don't have to suffer in loneliness."

JC smiled sadly and laced her hands with his. "I appreciate it. I'll need your strength because I'm broken.

"In case you haven't noticed, so am I. Sorry, babbling all over the place tonight.” She reached for a tissue in her purse.

“It’s okay. I understand why you’re showing emotion. Even if you were crying you face off, I won’t think any less of you. You’ve been so strong throughout this ordeal.”

“Tell that to my brain. At night it relives every mistake I've made.”

“Come here, Jenna.” JC opened his arms.

She laid her head on his shoulder and draped her arms around his neck. The tension from the first kiss had disappeared.  He wrapped her in his embrace; she sighed contentedly as he did so. She’s starting to trust me. I can’t let her down.

They held each other in silence for a few minutes. She stroked her fingers across the nape of his neck. The remainder of stiffened muscles relaxed with her touch. She could do that all night and I wouldn't complain. Nor would I mind if we stayed like this.  He kissed her forehead. “It’ll be alright, Jen. We can handle this together.”

She nodded. “Thank you for giving me a second chance.”

“Nah, it was I who messed up. You were going to come clean and my emotions blocked your way. You know how I knew I had serious feelings for you?”

She looked up at him. “How?”

“I cared more about scaring and hurting you more than my own emotions. I thought, damn you really are in deep, Chasez. But I don’t care because you don’t judge me by my disease.”

“That’s because you can’t let what happens to you steal your identity. It’s a war through the trenches to get it back. So I don’t entertain that option. To me, you’re JC, my… partner. Boyfriend sounds so childish.”

“Partner is the best you could come up with?” He teased.

“We’re together. Anyway, my thought is if I don’t define you by cancer, maybe someday you won’t either and that will lead you to recovery.”

JC snorted. “You have a lofty goal to attain there, Jenna.”

Jenna shrugged. “Who says it can’t be done?”

A monstrous depression that’s haunted me for months now, perhaps? “Listen, I don’t have the strength for that kind of talk right now. All I need is you beside me.”

She kissed his lips again. “That’s fine.”

“Have you been tempted to kiss me before tonight?”

She blushed again. “A few times. You?”

“Same. Especially the day you held me while I was crying.”

Jenna nodded. “That was one of them. My heart broke for you. I wanted to kiss your forehead to show you that you weren’t alone. I talked myself out of it. Now I don’t have to.”

He smiled. “No, you don’t. You can kiss me whenever you like.”

“Like now.” Jenna kissed him. God I could get used to this, too. Her kiss rouses emotions I haven’t felt in a long time. They beamed at each other before meeting lips once more.

Finally, they broke away. “This turned out much better than I expected,” she said.

“I had no idea how this conversation would go,” he replied. “However, it couldn't have turned out any lovelier.”

“Lovelier, eh? That’s a fancy word.”

“Again speaking of, I’ll take you out on a proper first date when I feel better.”

Jenna shook her head. “Dates aren’t necessary. I’m enjoying myself right now.”

“It’s the least I can do, after you've been here for me.” He kissed her forehead once more.

“So, do I get a tour of the digs?”

His hands tightened into fists. That could lead to questions about subjects I’m not ready to delve into yet. We’ve barely made up and aired out our true feelings towards one another. My heart’s had enough tonight. “Not now. Another night maybe.”

“Are you going to address the rumors publicly?”

He groaned. Way to bring me back to reality, Jenna. “Haven’t thought about it.  I don’t like my private life splattered across the headlines for the public to criticize.”

“Well, like it or not, people are spreading blatant lies to the masses. It’ll only get worse the longer you ignore it. So called writers from those sad excuses for publications will call wanting conformation. I’m surprised they haven’t done so already.”

“They probably have. I haven’t checked because my phone has stayed in my room most of the day.”

“I’ve met a few people from TMZ and US Weekly. They’re relentless. Derek forced me into lunch with TMZ’s editor once and he was answering texts and emails left and right about bothering this or that celebrity.”

JC tossed his head back on the couch. “Do we have to talk about this now? Can’t we simply enjoy what’s developing between us?”

“Honey, you can’t hide from them forever.”

“Maybe I’d like to put it off at least a little while longer. Is that too much to ask?”

Jenna turned red. “No, it’s not. I’m sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up.”

“You’re right; ignoring the situation isn’t an option. However, we’ve started a romantic relationship and I’d like to enjoy that without any distractions.”

“So would I, to be honest. But my thoughts rarely shut down completely.”

“Can you please tell them to fuck off for the time being?”

She laughed. “I think you just did!” She placed her hands on his fists. “Why don’t you release these? That’ll help you relax.”

He took a deep breath and slowly started uncurling his fingers. About halfway through, Jenna folded hers about the same angle and joined his. He smiled. “I see what you did.”

She did as well. “Isn't that better?”

“Much. Here, let’s do the same for you.” He let go.

They repeated the exercise, which resulted in a contented sigh from Jenna. “You have nice hands.”

No one’s told me that before. “Why do you say that?”

“They grip mine perfectly. It’s sturdy, not harsh. Yet they’re gentle enough to wipe my tears.”

JC flushed slightly. She likes my touch, too. That’s a good sign.

“Why are you blushing?”

“It’s a nice compliment, that’s all. Touch is an important component.”

“I like hand holding. It’s simple and intimate at the same time. Hands are built for a variety of tasks: cooking, cleaning, driving building and bathing. When two hands meet, it creates an energy that didn’t exist before. And that energy sends the warm through the body and soul.”

JC kissed her hand. “You make it sound so extraordinary.”

She smiled. “I notice the small things in life. There’s always something good about your day even if overall it went to hell in a hand basket. Holding onto those positive thoughts got me through the hard days.”

It’s not that easy, Jen. If you only knew what I’ve lived through the past few months. “Here you go again with your positive tangents.”

“If you want to date me, you’ll have to get used to it. I’m a relatively optimistic person.”

“Hopefully it’ll rub off on me,” he whispered. “I don’t have any trace of optimism in my body at the moment.”

“I can help you with that, sweetie.” She kissed his cheek.

JC smiled coyly. “Thank you, Jen.”

She swept her thumbs across his hands. “You’re welcome. Like you said, we’ll get through this together.”

Time passed by in silence as they continued to hold each other. How much, neither was aware nor did they care. Holding Jenna in his arms was as blissful as he had hoped. And her embrace made him feel safe as well. A sense of comfort overwhelmed him. He didn’t have to fight any thoughts right now. He could just be with her and not have to worry about anything else. For the first time in months or maybe even years, his mind was quiet, at least for the moment. It was heavenly.

Finally Jenna sat up again. “I think I better go.”

JC gave her puppy eyes. “Do you have to?”

Jenna half groaned. “Do you have to give me that look? I can handle myself out there.”

“It’s nice having you here, babe.  I’ll miss you when you leave.”

“Missing the other person makes seeing them again more special. Isn't that how it’s supposed to work?”

He loosened his grip. “Fair enough. I haven’t had anyone to miss in a while.”

She playfully frowned. “Aren't I worth missing?”

He smiled. “Of course you are. I’ll walk you to the front door.”

Jenna stood up. “You don’t have to.”

He followed suit. “Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I can’t escort you to the door and kiss you goodnight.”

“Ever the gentleman, aren’t you?”

“I’m old fashioned that way.”

The couple arrived at the door about a minute later. “Thanks for coming over. I’m glad that we sorted this out.”

Jenna nodded. “Me, too. Not needing to keep a secret is such a weight off my shoulders.”

“No more of those, okay?”

She responded by kissing him. He closed his eyes and puckered his lips forward. I’ll never tire of this.

They broke away. “Will you please text me when you get home?”

“What are you trying to do, Chasez? Kick me out?”
“Hey! You’re the one who said she should be going.”

She shrugged. “I did. Sorry, I can be snarky sometimes.”

“Good to know.”  They kissed again.

She smiled. “And yes, I’ll text you. Thanks for the great night, babe.”

“You’re welcome. Talk to you soon.” He kissed her forehead.

“Goodnight, handsome.” She scarcely brushed the edge of his lips before pulling away and walked to her car. He watched her get in. She blew one final kiss through the windshield and he kissed his middle and index finger towards her. She beamed and started the car ignition. The engine’s rattle made him cringe inwardly. Ugh, she needs a new car. That’s not safe. She’d never let me do it, though.

After she left, he stroked his lips with his pinky finger.  Remnants of her kiss still remained. I can’t remember the last time a kiss lingered this much. What have you done to me, Jen? He exhaled. What is the matter with me? She’s barely been gone a few minutes and I miss her already.

“Everything go well?” Roy asked.

JC turned around with his hand on the doorknob. “Yeah. Everything’s out in the open.”

“Was your theory correct?”

He nodded as he closed the door. “Yep. It doesn’t surprise me. She said that her boss threatened to fire her if she didn’t do what he wanted. But she hasn’t.”

“Wow. That’s pretty brave of her.”

“She’s a brave woman for taking on this situation, period.”

“You look happy.”

He smiled. “I am. At least I have another bright spot with all the crap that’s going on.” He yawned.

“I was just going to ask you if you were tired. Are you going to turn in?”

He nodded. “I think so. It’s been a good day, though. Thanks for taking me to the beach.”

“You’re welcome. Anything I can do to help you. Can you make it up the stairs tonight?”

JC nodded. “I’ll holler if I need anything.”

Like it or not, people are spreading blatant lies to the masses… Jenna’s words echoed in his mind as he walked up the stairs to his bedroom. It’ll only get worse the longer you ignore it. He groaned. Why does she have to be right? I honestly don’t want to deal with it. Then again, turning a blind eye will most likely cause an even greater headache than I’m willing put up with. He picked up the device from his bedside table and tapped the phone screen. 20 voicemails. Fuck my life. He typed in his security code and looked at the list. All except one were from numbers he didn’t recognize. The other was from Eric. What does he want? I’ll listen to his first.

Listen, shithead. I’m not fucking dealing with this situation anyone. I’ve set up a message informing anyone who wants information on your condition can call you personally. Yes, you heard that right. I included your cell phone number. They can call you a hundred times a day for all I care. It’s your fault it came to this. I tried to warn you. You shouldn’t have gotten involved with that slut Jenna. Any attempts to reach me will be blocked.

Chapter 24

 “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” JC roared. “HOW DARE YOU ERIC? FUCK YOU!”

He tossed his phone across the room. It landed on the carpet some 10 feet away from where he stood. His head and neck muscles started throbbing once again.

Roy arrived upstairs a moment later. “Is everything alright?”

No, Dad it isn’t. Would I have just yelled for someone to fuck themselves if I was happy?  “Eric betrayed me,” he grunted.

“How could he do that? You’re not on speaking terms anymore.”

“Oh he found a way.”

“Take a deep breath and then tell me what’s wrong.”

JC did so. “There was a ‘news’ report on this morning that I’m dying. Obviously, that’s false. Eric left me a message stating that he wouldn’t answer any more phone calls on my condition.  He then left my personal cell number on a voice message. Now I have 20 fucking reporters breathing down my neck.”

Roy grunted. “That fiend.”

“You’re telling me.”

“Think of it this way. At least you don’t have that negative influence chaining you to the concrete You broke free from that shackle. While the aftermath isn’t ideal, you truly don’t have to worry about his involvement.”

JC sighed and shook his head. “I envy you, Dad.”

“Why?”

“You can find the bright side so quickly. I can’t do that.”

“Sure, you can Josh. Look, I know it’s hard to see the good in this while you’re so emotional. But one day you’ll be thankful this so called friendship ended. You don’t need people like him in your life. You’ve got many others who will support, encourage and comfort you. Focus on those folks. They make your life worth living.”

“You’re certainly one of them, Dad. Sorry if I scared you.”

“That’s alright. Now you can move forward and break away from the other burdens, too.”

“Like the cancer?”

Roy nodded and smiled. “Exactly. You can beat this, Josh. I have no doubt in my mind.”

JC sighed. “I wish I believed in myself the way others believe in me.”

“You will. Maybe not tonight but in time.” His father patted his son’s shoulder. “Why don’t you get some rest?”

“Not a bad idea.” JC hugged his dad. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, son. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.”

After he left, JC picked up his phone from the other side of the room. It survived its trip across the room unscathed. That was effing stupid of me to do. But I was so pissed. Still am, actually. Does he not have any regard for the hardships I’m going through in life right now? That the last thing I need is another headache that distracts me from dealing with this horrible disease? No, of course not. I’ve known that answer for a long time. And then Derek trying to capitalize on my pain? Doesn’t he realize I’m a person, too, with REAL FEELINGS? Not to mention he wants to jeopardize someone’s career just because she won’t do what he wants? All while exploiting her vulnerability and destroying her self-worth. God, my fellow males can be such dicks sometimes, can’t they? No wonder women have a hard time trusting us.

His neck muscles flared up once again as he flopped on his bed. Why does this hurt every time I’m angry? I wish Jenna was still here so she could ease the tension. He closed his eyes, remembering how her fingers had caressed his skin merely hours ago. When was the last time he’d been that relaxed in a woman’s presence? He couldn’t remember and it didn’t matter. Her embrace took away the pain, if only for a few moments.

You’ve put yourself in an awfully vulnerable position, Chasez. She could’ve sold you out just like Eva did. But she didn’t. That has to count for something, doesn’t it? That doesn’t mean she might change her mind behind your back and stab it at the last second. His nails dug into his palms. God, will you stop it brain? Why do you have to come up with every conspiracy theory known to man? Maybe I liked holding her close and kissing her lips. I feel safe with her. If that’s not right, then damn. It’s not like I haven’t been the fool before. JC shook his head. Look at me, I’m a fucking nutcase. Having arguments with myself in my head. Really? Who does that?

He glanced at the time. 10:30 and no calls or messages from her. She left about an hour ago. I need to check if she got home okay. Not to mention just hearing her voice again. He clicked her name on his contact list and waited.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jenna, it’s JC. Did you make it home?”

“I did, darling. Sorry if you’ve tried to call me already. My phone battery died out and I didn’t realize it until I walked in the door.”

“This is the first since you left so you’re in luck,” He groaned. “I want to break something or a certain someone’s neck.”
“What happened?”

“I checked my voicemail.” His nails clinched into his palm again. “Eric told me that he’s set up a message giving out my personal cell phone number. So now I have 20 different calls to answer about my imminent death.”

Jenna gasped. “That... schmuck.”

“And then he blamed it all on you. Said I shouldn’t have gotten involved and that you don’t have good intentions for me.”

She scoffed. “As if. Pardon my French JC, but he doesn’t know jack shit about me or the situation Derek put me in. Damn, I knew Eric was a weasel, but not that much of one.”

JC snorted. “Tell me about it. What did I do to deserve this?”

“Nothing. He simply doesn’t have any concept of how his actions affect others.”

“I’ve never hated someone more in my life. And people have done some awfully shitty things to me.”

Jenna didn’t respond.

He groaned. “I don’t want to deal with this shit, Jenna.”

“You don’t have to tonight, necessarily.”

“Why?”

“Sweetie, you’re angry, tired and might say something you’ll regret later. Why don’t you get some rest?”

JC took another deep breath. She’s got a point, you know. Why am I more inclined to do that when she tells me to? “Okay. Sorry, Jen. I’m really pissed right now.”

“You have every right to be. I’d kiss it away if I could.”

“See, this is why you should've stayed!” He teased.

She chuckled. “True, but you’d be paying attention to me if I was still there. Reality has to resurface eventually.”

“Touché. “I just wish the fall wasn’t so jarring.” JC rubbed his neck.

“Well, I enjoyed talking with you tonight, if that means anything. It was therapeutic in a way.”

Therapeutic, huh?   I wonder what she means by that. JC half smiled. “It does. Thanks for everything.”

“You’re welcome. Do you feel better now?”

 “Yeah. Can’t you tell?”

“Wanted to make sure. So, talk tomorrow?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for world, baby. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, sweets.”

JC shook his head as they hung up. In fifteen minutes I’ve gone from throwing my phone across the room in anger to thinking straight and semi calm. And it’s all due to one person. Her speech had a legato type feel, creating smooth lines that caressed his inflamed senses. Paired with an even mid tone alto, it was the combination JC needed right then.

He yawned unexpectedly. Suppose I should take her and Dad’s advice. Emotions had fueled him the past few hours. Now that everyone had retired for the night, he realized how much of his own energy was drained. Today’s been a good day, though. I felt like a normal human being, not a soulless zombie devoured by cancer. The sunlight on my face never seemed more invigorating. Maybe light should peek into my consciousness more often. Slumber found him a few moments later with a smile drawn on his face.

Dull, colorless beams peaked through his window the next morning. Oh, is it time to resume regularly scheduled misery again, universe? That yesterday was a brief reprieve and now you’ll throw all you got at me again? He groaned as he buried his face in his pillow. Many mornings before this one had begun with the same conditions. Dark landscapes usually prompted a disgruntled response as JC would roll over and go back to sleep; the world seemed too arduous to bear then.

Time to wake up, bro. You had a good day yesterday; maybe today will be another. He glanced at the window out of the corner of his eye. These sheets are so comfortable, though.

Just as he was drifting off, his ringtone startled him back awake. Shit I forgot to put it back on silent last night. You better someone I like or you’ll hear my wrath. He reached over to his night stand grabbed the device. The number began with a 1-800. He immediately clicked ‘ignore’ and sighed loudly. Thanks for the rude awakening. I really appreciate it. Might as well check if my inbox is flooded, too.

His inclination was right; countless emails demanded more details about his condition. He deleted every one, his frustration with the situation elevating each time. Damn, I need to do something about this. Let’s go to Twitter.  He opened the app on his phone. One of the first tweets on his timeline said:

Please keep @JCChasez and his family in your prayers. Love is what they need, not judgment and speculation #prayers4jc

-Matt Morrison, 7:45 a.m.

The edges of his lips turned upward slightly. You’re a true friend, Matt. I really appreciate that.

He hit reply and typed: “thanks buddy. Means a lot coming from you.”

Is that for me, though? Not many other public figures go by their initials like I do.  JC tapped the link. Over 100,000 results, the proceeding page read. His jaw dropped. That many people took time to write something nice to me? I’m not anyone special. He scrolled through the messages. Some were well wishes, some were prayers, and some were their own cancer related stories. The overall theme was the same: he was being supported and thought of. Examples included:

-I never was a boyband fan but cancer is no joke! Wish you all the best @JCChasez.

-Say it isn’t so! The world would be a duller place without your talents. My prayers are with you and your loved ones during this time #prayers4jc

-I lost my brother to childhood cancer. Don’t wish it on anyone. Thinking of you JC! #prayers4jc

-That moment when you realize your childhood idol is human and could die #prayers4jc

-Please know your fans love you and are here for you JC! #prayers4jc

Tears snuck through his eyes after a few moments. I had no idea. All this time complete strangers have been praying for me and believing in me. I’m not worthy of such overwhelming kindness. I wish I could thank them all personally but I’d be here for days. Still, they deserve some kind of response. I don’t want to write just one tweet. That doesn’t begin to address the gratitude I feel right now. Then again I could talk for hours, even days and not do it justice either.  

A text tone broke his train of thought. The message was from Jenna:

“Heading to work. Dreading what could happen. Ah well. It’s a new day. Hope you were able to rest last night, sweetie. Talk to you soon <3

8:45 a.m".

I hope that dickbag doesn’t fire her. I’d love to give him a piece of my mind. But the end result wouldn’t produce positive results. Nonetheless, he smiled. Its nice knowing you’re the first person someone thinks of in the morning. I’d forgotten about this feeling.

“Good luck, babe.” He typed. “Let me know how it goes.”

Within 30 seconds, she’d typed a response. “Will do, JC. Have a great day”

“You too, beautiful.”

He set his phone aside. Lord, what is this stupid grin on my face right now?  What is this warm and fuzzy feeling that everyone talks about when you’re in the new phase of a relationship? I must admit, this is a nice change from the overwhelming gloom and doom I’ve experienced recently. Maybe it truly will be okay like Jenna says it will be. Wow, a positive thought. That’s a first. What the hell? I didn’t think I was capable of thinking in those terms anymore. He sighed. You’re sneaking into the depths of my being, Jenna Timbrook. He stretched his arms and legs, awakening the slumbering muscles. For now I need to figure how to go about this response. I’m sure as hell not repeating myself to 20 different reporters who don’t give a shit about me anyway. His phone buzzed. As another one calls right on cue. Sorry, not catering to your selfish agenda.

After a brief shower, he decided to write in his studio. He’d done a great deal of writing there in the past. Considering it was in the corner of his basement, it was the most private room in the house. No distractions were allowed while he worked on this; he knew it would be scrupulously critiqued. Therefore it had to be the best he could come up with.

My anger has choice words about this situation. Maybe I should write that version first so it’s out of my system before writing the real one. He snorted. Who am I kidding? We all paint pictures of ourselves to look like perfect beings when that’s FAR from the truth. He started typing.

“Recent claims have stated…”

God, that sounds so pretentious. He deleted that sentence.

“Erroneous reports that I’m on my deathbed…”

Don’t like that either.

“Sources say…”

The next couple hours consisted of starting and deleting a million statements. Each pompous entry angered him further. “God, what’s the point of this?” He finally shouted. Everything I’m writing is straight up bullshit anyway. No one will believe this. I’ve always said I want to be authentic both as an artist and as a person. And this isn’t it. I guess I could keep ignoring the media’s phone calls. However, some people are nosey ass pricks who won’t leave me alone until they get a heated reaction. That leads to further ridicule.

He sat back in his office chair and folded his arms with his hands on his neck. I want to release something, though. Maybe a short video would do the trick. On the other hand, my fans will see me at one the most vulnerable times in my life. That’s scary as hell. He stroked his head. I’ll definitely wear some kind of hat. I’m not ready for those closest to me, let alone strangers on the Internet, see me bald.  Luckily, he’d left one of his LA Dodgers caps behind a few days ago. He put it on and took a deep breath. Just get it over with. People will dissect this no matter what you say. All you can control is how you react to others actions. And publicly dissing Eric and Derek would escalate an already emotional situation. Yeah, the last thing I want to do is air your dirty laundry for the whole world to see. He cleared his throat and turned on the camera.

“Hey everyone. Despite what you might have heard, I’m not an inch from death. Those claims are false and being spread by someone who isn’t close to my situation. I had surgery to remove the tumor soon after my diagnosis. I’m currently undergoing chemotherapy once a week to eradicate any remaining cells. My doctor is hopeful that I will fully recover. I can’t predict what I’ll feel on a day to day basis but overall I’d say I’m stable.

I tried to prepare a statement, but it sounded disgustingly fabricated. That’s not my style. This is real life, man. It’s happening all around us every day. Not going to lie, this journey has been hard. I’ve wondered why I should continue. But I do. Sometimes my biggest victory is sitting up in bed despite how the illness had wrecked my body. That’s okay. I’m still breathing. And there are people in my life who make that worthwhile.

“Which brings me to you, the person who’s watching. Thank you for your support. I opened up Twitter this morning….” He shook his head “You guys floored me with all your kind words and prayers. Seriously, I never thought in a million years that so many people still took time to think of me. Some of you shared your stories of both loss and survival. Thank you for sharing those with me. Cancer can be isolating but having support to carry you through the storm is priceless.

“So, in closing, please be kind to one another. You truly never know what others are going through. An uplifting word may be what someone needs. Thank you again so much for your kindness. Sending you love back tenfold and beyond. I love you guys and will keep you updated as often as I can on my condition. Have a great day.” He clicked ‘off’ on the webcam software.

He watched the footage back. Not bad. That’s diplomatic without revealing too much information. I sound pretty positive in this clip. Now if only I actually believed that. Although I am surrounded by good people now. Speaking of, I want to show this to Jenna the next time she’s here. I want her approval before I release the video. Hopefully she’ll think it’s an appropriate response.

Subsequently, his phone buzzed and displayed Jenna’s name on the screen. His stomach dropped ten stories. He fired her, didn’t he? Oh, God please let that not be the case. Please don’t. I couldn’t live with that kind of guilt.

“Hey Jenna,” he answered.

“Hey. How are you?” She replied curtly.

This isn’t a good sign. “Eh, I’m making it. You?”

She cleared her throat. “I’ve just experienced one of the most humiliating times of my life.”

His heart lurched in his chest. Please oh please let it not be what I think it is. “What happened?”

“He fired me, JC.”

Chapter 25

"He fired me, Jace.” She whimpered.

“He did not. Where are you?”

“I just walked in the door. Why?”

“If you want me to, I’ll come over.”

“Are you sure you feel well enough?”

“Don’t worry about that. If you need me, I’ll be there.”

Jenna didn’t respond. You sounded a little too forward there, Chasez. You shouldn’t force your company on her if she doesn’t want it.

“Please, hurry.” She replied a moment later with a tremor in her voice. “I’ll text you my address.”

She’s letting her guard down. I have to show her I have no intentions of hurting her. “Done. I’ll be over as soon as I can, sweetheart.”

“Fuck,” he growled after hanging up. “Fuck. He actually did it. It’s my fault. This shouldn’t be happening.” Get it together, bro. Jenna needs you. She just said so in not so many words. Now it’s time for you to live up to what you’ve been telling her. He took a deep breath and ran his hands over his bald head. I better get decent and find a way over there. I could drive but I’m not sure my body can handle it today. Dad’s probably here so I’ll ask him.

Sure enough, Roy was sitting at his kitchen table when he came upstairs. “Hey.

“Hey. I was hoping you’d be here.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Jenna was fired by her boss.”

Roy frowned. “Such a shame. She shouldn’t have been in that position.”

“She wants me to come over for a little while. Will you take me?”

“Geez, you two aren’t wasting any time, are you?”

JC rolled his eyes. “I’m going over there as moral support, Dad. Nothing else will happen.” And even if it did, it’s none of his business.

“I couldn’t help giving you a hard time. But yes, I’ll be glad to take you over there.”

He changed in a black zip up jacket, beanie, jeans and sneakers. It wasn’t much of an improvement, but he felt more slightly more put together in that ensemble. He grabbed his laptop from the studio in case Jenna wanted to see his response to the recent media storm. She had sent him her address.  She lived in Inglewood, about a half hour from his place in Hollywood.

Roy dropped JC off midafternoon. He reassured his dad he’d call or text when he was ready to leave. He scanned the complex. Each unit was a split level condo, with a metal staircase on the side leading up to the upstairs number. Jenna’s text said hers was number 237. I seriously hope hers is the bottom one. I’ve already been up and down my stairs several times today. And how embarrassing would that be if I knocked on the wrong door? He wrapped on the door.

Jenna answered a minute later. Her blotchy face didn’t have a stitch of makeup and red tinted eyes. Her hair was soaking wet and uncombed. She was dressed in the biggest sweatshirt and pants she could find. This is a drastic change from what I’m used to. She’s usually so poised and put together. I wish I could kiss her pain away.

“Jenna?”

She snorted. “Yeah. Who were you expecting?”

“You look… different. That’s all.”

“Oh, I get it. I’m hideous now that the mask has stripped away.”

Smooth. Real smooth. JC shook his head. “Of course not! You are a beautiful being.”

She stepped aside to let him in. “Then why does it hurt so much when your boss berates you by calling you an ugly slut in front of the whole team?”

Dammit, he pulled a Jenkins on her. His blood boiled like molten lava. “It gives him some kind of sick satisfaction to hurt you.”

Jenna paced over to the couch. “It was like the boardroom all over again, only I was on the receiving end this time.” She flopped down. “I underestimated his ability to humiliate and destroy me.”

JC clenched his fists. What I could do to do him right now. But it’s not worth it. Jenna needs me. He sat down next to her. “What happened, sweetie?”

“Derek came by my desk around 11. I was in the middle of writing my next piece. He put his hands on the table and just glared at me for about thirty seconds. I asked him what he was doing. He’s like “Get up.” I asked why. He leaned closer and says it again. I asked him nicely, albeit with gritted teeth, to get out of my face. He smiled real sinister like “You know I own you, fame whore slut.”

“He doesn’t, Jenna. No one does. Your life, your dreams and your decisions belong to you.”

She nodded. “I know. Next I asked him if he was done insulting me. Boy, was that an understatement. He told me if I wasn’t in the conference room in five minutes he’d have me arrested. Not that I believed him, he’s made countless empty threats before. Still, I got up and went to the meeting room. It was a weird sense of déjà vu as I walked in there. Everyone I considered my work friends were there. They had nothing to do with the issue hand. Only there to add insult to injury. They gave me apologetic look, as if they knew what was about to happen but powerless to stop it. Did you feel that way?”

“Yeah I did. I knew being dropped was inevitable but not in the way it happened. I’d hoped they would tell me in private and then we’d part ways.” He shook his head. “I expected too much.

“This ‘meeting’ didn’t surprise me. It disappoints me more than anything. I should have known better. Anyway, that’s not the story you came here for today."  

“Nah, that’s okay. We can talk about whatever you want.”

“Thank you. So, Derek says I’m undergoing a ‘performance review’ ” She rolled her eyes. “He listed all the deadlines I missed recently. Most of them were on the project he wanted me to write about you. All I could think about was if he had minded his own business, we wouldn’t be having thus conversation. He turned to each of my coworkers and asked what my weakest quality was. Some tried to get out of it, but he threw a hissy fit and threatened their jobs if they didn’t obliterate me in the process. That lead to an onslaught of everything I‘ve done wrong in the past year.

JC’s eyes widened in horror. “I’m so sorry you had to listen to that, honey.”

She cleared her throat. “A girl can only take so much. Finally I told him to cut the bullshit and tell everyone why we were here. A few people gasped; as far as they knew I was mild mannered and well behaved. That comment pissed him off. We started arguing and then he said it. I was fired and was not to come back because I’m a talentless ugly slut who deserved what was happening.”

“That’s not true.”  He stroked her wet hair on her back. She froze at his touch.

“I knew it was a possibility all along. Yet I didn’t believe it. Like I said, he made countless empty threats before. I didn’t think he’d actually do it. Now that he has…” She sniffled as tears filled her eyes. “It hurts. That all I can say. It hurts.”

She’s crying. She’s crying and it’s my fault. JC extended his hand once more. This time she folded her fingers with his similar to the day before.

Her watery stare met his. “You aren’t going to hurt me, right?”

“Of course not, darling. I’m not going anywhere."

Jenna pressed her lips together and closed her eyes for a few seconds. He continued to stroke her hands with his thumbs. “I don’t want to be weak.”

“You’re not, Jenna. You just went through a painful and humiliating experience. “It’s okay. Your tears are safe with me.”

She attempted to stifle a few more sobs before realizing it was futile. She reached for him and he took her in his arms. He kissed her forehead. Damn him for putting her in that position.  Damn him for shattering her self-esteem. Damn me for having feelings for her and mentioning it out loud. Damn me for screwing up her life. It’s my fault.

He returned his gaze to Jenna’s shaking body. She clung to him for dear life, to prevent drowning in her own tears. They had started soaking through his shirt but he didn’t mind. She needed him. And he wasn’t about to let her down.

After some time had passed, she lifted her head to face him. “Sorry about that.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Jen. Are you feeling better?”

She nodded. “Thank you. I didn’t realize how much I missed being comforted like this.” She kissed his cheek.

He smiled. “You’re welcome.”

“Could you get me that tissue box over there?” She gestured towards one sitting by her TV stand. I’ll probably be hung over after this one.”

“Why do you say that?” He got up to get the box.

“Haven’t you cried so hard that you didn’t feel anything for hours, even days afterward?”

“I could count them on one hand.”

“Lucky.”

He handed her the tissues. “Here you go, sweetie.”

“Thanks, JC.” She took one and blew her nose. “Isn’t crying so disgusting?”

“Maybe the cleanup. But not the act itself,” he replied.

She noticed his laptop bag leaning against the couch. “What’s that for?”

“Oh, I made a video addressing the rumors. Would you like to see it?”

She nodded as she wiped her eyes. “Sure.”

“Let me get my computer.” He reached for the bag. “I tried to write something but hated everything I came up with. So I decided a video might be more effective.”

“Ah, like one of those PR statements that no one really believes when famous person A and B break up?”

“Exactly. I’m nervous to release this, though. People will see me at the most vulnerable point in my life.”

“That’ll make it more relatable! It gives them a reason to connect and possibly help them with whatever struggle they may have. You can be an inspiration with this message.”

He shook his head again. “You and your unrelenting positivity. Even though you just spent 15 minutes crying, you still look on the bright side. ”

She shrugged. “The universe’s not against you, you know.”

“Yeah. I opened Twitter this morning and couldn’t the sheer amount of kind messages people had written to me.”

“What did they say?”

“Mostly along the lines of ‘thinking of you/praying for you/sending positive vibes. My friend Matt said my family and I need support during this time, not speculation and ridicule.”

Jenna smiled wanly. “Couldn’t agree more.”

They watched the footage in silence for the next few moments. JC found himself glimpsing more at her reaction than his own face on the screen. Jenna’s features remained mostly neutral, even though he noticed a slight nod a few times.

They faced each other after it finished. JC’s face flushed as he asked, “So, what do you think?”

“I like what you said. Simple, diplomatic and to the point.”

“I do, too. It acknowledges what’s going on but not going into elaborate detail. To tell you the truth, I wanted to publicly call out both Eric and Derek because I’m so angry at both of them.”

“Oh trust me, neither one would respond kindly if you did that.”

He rolled his eyes. “I know. Not to mention my life would be blasted in the headlines like the Kardashians seem to be every week.”

“Why did you want to show this to me?”

“You’re on the other side of media. Say you had to write a story about my response to this message. Would you find what I said useful and easy to quote?”

“Yeah. You didn’t beat around the bush but you didn’t fill space with empty words like a lot of sources do. I’d reach out to you and your management for further comment. If you didn’t respond, I’d cite that and use the material you provided.”

“Not sure I’d answer the call, considering how much I hate entertainment media at the moment.”

“Don’t blame you one bit. I hate it, too. Yet when you do anything to break the status quo, everyone singles you out as if you’re in the wrong.”

“Like what happened to you today.”

Jenna bit her lip and nodded. “Exactly.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to upset you more.”

She waved her hand. “It’s okay. I’m upset overall.”

“What’s worse is the culture instills the desire to have everything you do be for the cameras. God I can’t stand people who do that. You’re not hot shit, there are more useful human beings than your airheaded self and we get sick of hearing about it.”

“Sounds like somebody is on their soapbox,” Jenna replied.

“So what if I am? I’m tired of being used for someone else’s personal gain. It hurts and angers me to see this happen to someone I care about. It’s completely unfair that you were put in that position in the first place. An honest boss wouldn’t have done that.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, honesty isn’t the dominant trait in today’s world.”

“Fair enough.” He took a deep breath. “You’re a brave soul for sticking to your guns even though it wasn’t what your employer wanted.”

“JC, I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I screwed someone over while they were in the most vulnerable position of their lives. Listen, I’ll be okay. I’ve survived setbacks before.”

He sighed. “I appreciate that. I really do. But…” How do I explain this?

“But what?  Does my pain not mean anything to you?”
“That’s not it, Jenna. Would I be here if I didn’t care? No. In fact, I care so much that it’s making me physically ill that you’re suffering.”

“That doesn’t change A DAMN THING! It happened, okay? And now I have to deal with the consequences. I’m left with the fallout. I have to find another job to pay the bills while I get back on my feet. My confidence is GONE! I was just berated in front of people I trusted! Do you even KNOW what that feels like? How it FEELS to give all you have in something and get FUCKED over in the end?” She threw up her hands in disgust.

“I do, sweetie. It hurts like a mofo.”

Jenna sighed as her legs jiggled up and down. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be mad at you. I simply need time to process the last… 24 to 48 hours. My life has been turned upside down and I don’t know where to go from here.” She groaned and shook her head. “It’s pointless. I can’t look at you right now without feeling umpteen million different things.”

And it’s my fault. “Anger’s probably the top one.”

“Not quite. But I’d be lying if I denied its existence.”

JC shrugged. “That’s fine. I deserve it. I’ve screwed up everything by pursuing you.”

“No, you don’t!” she scoffed. “It’s not directly your fault, JC. Yet this wouldn’t have happened if we weren’t close like we are now.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

Jenna stood up. “I’ll take you back to your place.”

In other words, yes. He followed her lead. “You sure? I can get a ride.”

“Truly, I don’t mind. You were here for me today when I needed support. It would be rude to not do something in return. You know what? Come here.” She opened her arms.

JC hesitantly started embracing her. However, her intensity was immediate, not allowing any space between them. He settled in, tightening his grip and stroking her back.

“I’m here for you, Jenna. No matter what happens, I’ll support whatever decision you make.” He whispered.

She kissed his cheek. “Thank you. Same applies to you.”

“May I kiss your lips?”

Her eyes brightened as she chuckled. “Of course you may. I’m not planning on breaking up with you over this.”

His cheeks flushed. “Sorry, I…”

She silenced his sentence with a kiss. She’s overcompensating for something. This feels forced whereas last night the kisses came with ease.

The ride home was uneventful. It was mostly spent in awkward silence, aside from JC giving Jenna a few directional, cues to get back to his house. He sensed she was starting to keep her distance again. There she goes with the evasive routine. Who knows if she’ll ever show me her vulnerable side ever again.

Once they got back, JC opened the garage door to give them privacy away from the paparazzi. She parked next to his Mercedes Benz. “Geez, this is the biggest garage I’ve ever seen in my life.” She murmured.

“I could be one of those show offs with eight cars in one place.”

“You don’t seem like the type who flaunts his wealth.”

“Uh, no. Quite the opposite sometimes, actually.” He paused. “Thanks for taking me back.”

“You’re welcome. Thank you again for coming over. You didn’t have to drop everything like you did.”

“I wanted to. You were upset and needed comfort. It was a no brainer. I’m sorry if I seemed pushy.”

“Pushy is inviting yourself over without any regard for the other person’s feelings. You waited for my approval. Other guys didn’t.” She sighed. “So, do you need help walking to the door?”

“No, but I wouldn’t mind you walking up there with me. Hell, you can come in if you want.”

“I’ll pass this time.” She opened her door.

Okay, time to back off. You’re crossing the line. She wants to be alone after this. I didn’t mean anything by that comment, only that she was welcome to stay a little longer.

She helped him out of her car and they walked to the door holding hands. Then he kissed her again because he couldn’t think of anything else to say. She caressed his cheeks as he rubbed her back. This time more body space existed, one of these polite ‘goodbye’ kisses than a full throttle passionate one.

After they broke away, she stroked his chin. “I’ll see you soon, darling.”

“See you soon. Get ahold of me if you need to, okay?”

“Will do.”

Both his parents were waiting in the kitchen once he got home. JC ate a little snack to appease Karen. Then he crashed on the couch. He was emotionally spent and needed to recover. He was woken up several hours later by a coughing fit that lead to mercilessly puking in the bathroom. That would have been a little bit more bearable if Jenna was here. Although I have no clue if she’ll be back after this afternoon.

Derek is such a piece of shit. I hope to God he never laid a hand on her. Then again he severely damaged her ability to trust her instincts and owning her emotions. She looked terrified of me this afternoon. How I would love to curse him out for hurting her like that. He took a deep breath. Don’t do it. She’s humiliated and vulnerable. The last thing she needs is additional public ridicule a hypothetical scuffle with Derek would cause. No, her needs are more important in this situation.

He thought back to their parting kiss. While it was enjoyable, Jenna definitely kept her distance.  I hope this isn’t ending before it started. Whatever you do, don’t push or drive her away. Respect her boundaries like you did today. I hope she’s not building a brick wall too high to climb over. I don’t want to keep running into that façade like before. Well, you have to give her a reason to trust you. While you’ve gained ground, you’ve got a long way to go.

I HAVE to do something for her, though. I can’t stand watching her suffer because of me. She’d never accept money outright. Maybe I could pay for something important. Like rent for her apartment. WHAT? Are you fucking crazy? That’s likely in the thousands of dollars, depending on the cost and how much is left on the contract. You don’t want her to get an unrealistic idea that you’ll do this all the time. Jen doesn’t seem like the type of woman who gets fixated on that stuff, though. It would take the world off her shoulders. She could focus solely on finding work she liked and not having to put a roof over her head. Even so, that’s a pretty serious commitment. We’ve only been dating one day… and I did say I want to take things slow. But things were different when I said that. I’ll have to sleep on that one. I’ve done some extremely irrational things in the name of love but that one might be the craziest.

His phone buzzed, thus snapping him out of his thought process. He picked up the device. It was Jenna.

“Sorry if I seemed distant earlier. I don’t know what to feel.”

She doesn’t need to apologize for every move she makes. “It’s okay. I get it. Truly.”

“Want to share this song with you;” she typed back a moment later, “it perfectly encompasses my thought process right now.”

JC clicked on the link she provided, which took him to Youtube. “Tomorrow” by Avril Lavigne, the title read. Wow, I haven’t heard that name in over ten years. He vaguely remembered hearing her songs on the radio when she first came out.

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

The lyrics consistent with her words earlier that afternoon. She wanted to believe things would be okay but hurt didn’t allow it at this time. She needed a little space and maybe her feelings would be different. This reinforces what I was thinking earlier about boundaries. She’s set a clear one and I shouldn’t cross it until we get more comfortable with one another.

“Thank you for sharing that. I got that vibe from you earlier but this confirmed it. Take all the time you need, sweetie.”

I really hope it’s not too late, just like the song says. An inkling of doubt still lingered in his mind about their relationship status even though Jenna had been adamant about her certainty. Or was she putting on that mask to hide the truth underneath? Wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened. He groaned, massaging his temples. I’ve gotten myself knee deep in something that could have avoided. If I’m already this far in, I need to stick with it. Whether if she decides to continue or break it off. It’s in her hands now. It has to be that way for this romance to have any chance of surviving this ordeal.

Chapter 26

A bone chilling cold rain beat against the window the following morning. Much like his mood since awakening. The brief reprieve from being a cancer patient was over. The side effects of pressure headaches, churning stomach and nausea, and desert like dryness in his throat returned with a vengeance. Nor did he have the strength to get up and alleviate these ailments. 

Based on the results so far, JC doubted the new treatment was helping. Cancer introduced him to a new level of sickness he'd never experienced before nor fathomed could exist. 

However, these were about 10 steps up above that. Infinitely worse than the coughing fits that caused the whole ordeal in the first place! God why did I get involved with this? If I had known it would hurt like this, I would've withered away a long time ago. A tell-tale rumble emerged in his stomach. He barely had time to raise his head before the vomit ejected from his system. 

Roy and Karen rushed to his side. Liquid waste poured over his clothes and sheets. His mom got him to puke in a trash can for the remainder of the episode. His father then helped him to the bathroom to get cleaned up. JC was embarrassed his dad had to see him naked but didn't have the energy to care. Just as he was all cleaned up, the sickness started all over again which lead to more clean up. He glanced at his parents anguished faces several times and wished he was dead. That way they wouldn't have to deal with this mess. 

Clean sheets awaited him as he got back in bed. He moaned lightly with pleasure. The texture reminded him of Jenna.

“Are you comfortable, sweetheart?” Karen asked.

He nodded.  “Fine. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Do you need anything else?”

“Not now.”

“You must be exhausted. Get some sleep.”

He reached for her hand. “Hey. I really mean that. Thank you.”

She smiled through a watery gaze. “Anything to make this easier, Josh.” She kissed his forehead and left the room. I can’t leave yet. I can’t break my mom’s heart.

His thoughts returned to Jenna. Now would be the perfect time to have her here. After I've been through a hell hole and all the chaos has settled down. They could simply lie together, basking in the other's presence. But she's not here. She may never be again that to your desperate desire for female attention. She'll come back if she wants to. He closed his eyes and imagined her lying there with him. Maybe the thought's right. Maybe I'm so lonely that I'll accept any attention from a woman.

His device buzzed and once again Jenna’s name was on the screen. Didn’t take you long to make a decision, did it? “Hey Jenna.”

“Hey. You want to know something crazy?”

“What?”

“I miss you."

Wow, she really misses me? “What’s crazy about that?”

“You know how in the movies the love interests get into an argument and realize afterward how much they mean to each other? That’s what I feel right now and I didn’t expect it.”

JC chuckled. “Welcome to my life for the last three months! Glad to see you finally got the memo!”

“Oh I got it alright. I just wasn’t as vocal at first. It’s baffling to me that just a short time ago, we were essentially strangers. And now I can barely go a day without wanting to talk to you or be around you."

“Thank you. It’s nice to hear you feel that way.”

“It’s true. I keep thinking about yesterday and the night before last. I felt safe for the first time in years. Your touch has awakened me to something I didn’t realize I had missed.”

JC smiled. “So you’re not still mad at me?”

“Let’s just say I’d rather work through my feelings with you than without you. If you’ll allow it, that is. You have a lot on your plate right now.”

“Of course I will. We’ll comfort each other, okay?”

“Sounds good. I need to get dressed and run some errands. May I swing by your place later this afternoon?”

“Yeah, that should be fine. Just let me know when you’re close by. Looking forward to seeing you.”

“Me too, babe. Talk to you after awhile.”

Babe. What does it feel so good to hear that word coming from her? “See you, love.”

JC sighed heavily as they hung up. I have to do this. I have to do this for her because she doesn't deserve to be punished for this. Again, are you out of your fucking mind? It’s kind of a dick move to do this behind her back, you know. But she’d NEVER accept this willingly. She’d vehemently protest and give the check back before I tried to write her one. So maybe this is the best way. JC groaned. God, this is risky. If I go through with this, that’s another level of investment and commitment. And that’s a lot to ask out of someone I’ve only been dating two days. He looked up the development’s phone number, pressed call and waited for the dial tone.

"Welcome to Westwood. My name is Greg."

"Hi. Are you the property manager?"

"Indeed I am. How can I help you?"

"My name's JC. I'm Jenna Timbrook's significant other. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but she was fired from her job yesterday."

"She did tell me. It's disappointing but not surprising."

"Why do you say that?"

"This guy used and abused her for almost two years. Any time she tried to stand up for herself, he made her the villain."

JC sighed. "I know the type. Won't accept responsibility for their actions. Blames everyone else for their circumstances."

"Exactly. He realized he couldn't control or manipulate her like he used to. So once he saw you two were friends, he had perfect leverage against her. Of course, this is all speculation at this point."

"From what she's told me, it makes sense. I hate that I had a direct hand in causing this."

"Don't blame yourself. It was his immature decision to interfere in her personal life. Not only that, he blackmailed her with someone she cares about while threatening to take away something she needs."

"That's true. Still, she shouldn’t’ve had to choose."

"Agreed. What he did was callous and disgusting."

"Which brings me to why I'm calling. How long does she have left on her lease?"

"I'll have to check her records. Give me just a second here, sir."

"Sure." Do you really want to go through with this? Once you give out your credit card information there's no going back. You can still back out of this. You're not ready or able to handle this level of commitment.

"Six months." Greg replied a minute later.

"How much per month?"

"$1,350. Although that's a bargain compared to some places."

"I'll pay for it."

"For one month?"

"The whole thing. I want to make sure she has a roof over her head while she looks for a new job." He paused. "Do you take credit cards by phone?"

"Not usually. But considering your circumstances, I can make an exception."

"Wait, how do you know?"

"Jenna hasn't me any specifics: only that you're in cancer treatment. I usually require in person payment, but I realize your energy may not as plentiful.”

"I prefer in person, too, but my body is not having it today. And thank you. I appreciate your kindness."

"You're welcome. The total will be $8,100 without utilities. Do you want to include those as well?"

He chuckled nervously. "No. I don't want to get too carried away here. I have my credit card ready when you are."

JC read the card number twice for confirmation. He also provided Greg with an email to send a receipt of payment to.

"Your payment has been accepted. Now, she only has to pay utilities for the next six months."

"Awesome."

"Does she even know you're doing this?"

"Um, no. It's probably a dick move to do it behind her back. Yet I think I know her well enough that she wouldn't accept the money as a gift."

"You're right. She wouldn't."

"She did say that she's running errands today."

"I'll keep an eye out for her. What if she finds out from me instead of you?"

"I'll figure that out later. I'm doing this because I care and I hope she'll see that."

"She will. Anything else I can do today?"

"No sir. I'm good."

"I wish you the best in your treatment."

"Thank you. You have a great day, okay?"

"You, too. Bye"

JC groaned after he hung up. God, what have I done? Why did I just do that? What will she think? I could have just made dumbest mistake of my life. He rubbed his face with his hands. Please don’t hate me, Jenna. I only have your best interests at heart.

(Later that afternoon)

Karen knocked on his door. “Jenna’s here, Josh.”

He stretched, having just woken up from a nap 15 minutes earlier. “Sweet. Can you tell her to come up here? I can’t make it downstairs today.”

“I’ll let her know.”

He swung his legs over the side of the bed. Nausea returned and he sweated a little faster. This could go two ways: either she’s really angry with me for interfering with her life so early on or profusely grateful for helping her out.

Jenna creaked the door open and stuck her head in.

He smiled. "You can come in, babe. I'm decent."

She giggled and opened it further. "You happy to see me, JC?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" He gingerly stood up.
“You don’t have to get up.”

“I want to, though.”

“Oh, Joshua!” She threw her arms around him with such intensity that he had to catch his breath. They stroked each other's back as they held the embrace. Her eyes meet his for a moment before kissing.

They broke away some seconds later, but her gaze still remained. “Thank you. You didn’t need to do that.”

“You’re welcome, sweetie. Guilt has eaten me alive. I wanted to do something that could physically help you.”

“You have already by being here for me.”

"That doesn't change anything, though. I couldn't stand watching you suffer knowing I had a direct hand in causing your pain. While I can't give you your old job back, I can make it easier to find another one."

Jenna chuckled sarcastically. "To be honest, I don't want it back at this point."

"Don't blame you one bit. The sentiment still applies, though."

"Of course it does." She sighed and curled her bottom lip.

"What is it, Jenna?"

"Sorry, trying to sort through my thoughts. Trying to wrap my mind around you and what's happening."

“Talk to me. You said you wanted to work through this with me, not without me.”

“You’re right, I did.” She sighed and looked toward the double French doors to the right. They showcased the balcony and clearing afternoon sky beyond. “Can we sit out there today?”

JC’s legs started to wobble. “Sure. Just make it quick.”

“Are you okay, honey?”

“Yeah. Just getting tired from standing. May I lean on you?”

“Of course.” She put her arm around his waist as his draped around her shoulder.

He steadied himself with Jenna’s weight as support. “Sorry Jen.”

“You, of all people, have nothing to be sorry for.  Can you walk?”

“I think so.” They took a step forward together. “I wish wasn’t so vulnerable right now. I should be strong enough to walk through my own house. But this stronger treatment is harder on my body.”

“It’s okay, JC. You’re fighting a horrible disease. I’m right here. I won’t let you fall down, okay?”

"Thank you.”

JC made it to their destination, but his strength was about gone. Jenna helped him get situated in the bench longue. Her focused eyes, arched brows and open lips indicated her sweet concern.  “Can I get you anything?”

“No.” He staggered. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You’re breathing awful hard.”

“Positive.”

“I’ll be right back.” Jenna went back in the house.

Either she’s really worried about me or is putting off talking about what’s bothering her. My guess is a little bit of both. I hate when she does that. He laid his head back on the chair and took a deep breath. Focus. Breathe. You can rest.

Jenna returned with two full glasses of ice water a few minutes later. She handed one to him. “Here, you need this.”

JC took a sip. The glacial liquid started to erode away dryness in his throat which caused his breathing to even out. He drank a little more.

“Is that better?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” He looked up at her. She was taking sips of her own with her eyes focused on the empty space beside him. “Aren’t you going to sit with me, honey?”

“Sure.” She parked herself in that space.

JC draped his right arm over her shoulders while gently squeezing her hand with his left. “What’s wrong, Jenna?”

She sighed. “I’m conflicted. I don’t want to come off as an unappreciative brat.”

“You don’t have an ungrateful bone in your body.”

“On one hand, I can see why you did it this way. I wouldn’t have accepted the money as a gift and told you I can handle myself financially. At the same time, I’m concerned about what this means for our relationship. We talked about taking things slow; it’s not going that way.”

“You’re right, we did. I paid your rent because I care. I care how my actions affect your life. You don’t deserve punishment because of one cowardly bastard. So, I reduced one of the stressors you’ll be facing in the coming months.”

 “No, don’t defend yourself. Words can’t begin to measure how thankful I am.”

“Then, what are you worried about?”

I just don’t want these kinds of things to overshadow why we got together in the first place.”

He nodded. “My main priority is to treat you with kindness, respect and honesty. Part of that will include splurges; mine are more lavish because I have the monetary means. However, I’m not going to have energy to take you out shopping and the fancy restaurants in the foreseeable future. I’d like to, but I need to rest as much as I can.”

“That’s fine with me.  I really enjoy hanging out and keeping you company while you recover. Let’s not lose that.”

“We won’t. We’ll continue cuddling on the couch and ponder the meaning of the universe and why we’re all here.”

“Ha! That sounds exactly like something I would say.”

“You hang around someone long enough, they start to influence you.”

“Would you say it’s for better or worse?”

“Definitely better.” He kissed her forehead.

She blushed. “You’re so selfless and that generosity absolutely floors me. I could never repay something like that.”

JC shrugged. “I’m a giver, what can I say? Love’s not about owing. It’s both people giving of themselves to enhance the other person’s life.”

“It’s not a bad thing. I’m amazed how even though you’re in this horrible situation, you care more about how it affects the people around you. Like your parents, your friends, even me.”

“I hate seeing them upset because of me and there’s nothing I can do to make it better.”

“You can by living and fighting back against this entity that has taken over your body”.

“Well, it’s won this this round. I don’t know if I can get back up.”

“You got out of bed today. You could have said, fuck you world, I can’t deal with you. But you didn’t. When was the last time you had a reason to live?”

“To be honest, before this cancer ordeal, I didn’t really have one. I’d get up but hate every minute of my existence. Some days I did say ‘fuck it’ and not do anything because it hurt too much. Seeing your pretty face makes this just a little more bearable.”

She smiled with a flush to her cheeks. “You’re too sweet.”

He grinned and shrugged. “I’m only telling you what I truly feel. You make me want to believe in the good things this world can offer again. I’m not there yet but your pep talks help.”

She arched her eyebrow. “Really? I figured they annoyed you.”

“Maybe a little bit. But they’re sneaking into my brain. Just as you are in my heart.”

“Mine, too. See, we’re right back to normal!”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, sweetie.”

“Neither would I, babe.” She kissed his lips first. He responded in kind.

"You know what cancer hasn't taken away?"

"What?"

"Your kissing skills."

JC blushed. "How do you know? We didn't kiss back then!"

Jenna giggled. "Hey! I'm trying to give you a compliment."

"I know. Couldn't help throwing a lame joke."

"Good idea. We both could use a reason to laugh."

"Do you like corny and off time jokes?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know something can seem hilarious in the moment but looking back it doesn't have the same appeal?"

"Yeah."

"The NSYNC guys gave me grief about that all the time. I was always the last one to get the punchline or think of something witty to say five minutes later."

"Speaking of, someone I went to school with way back wanted me to set her up with Justin. I made BS excuses but I knew she was using me. I'm like, you haven't had a reason to talk to me for 15 years. Now you want to take advantage of my connections so you can brag to your friends? Give me a break!"

"Have you heard from her since then?"

"No."

JC laughed. "Being a celebrity brings those kinds of people out of the woodwork."

Jenna glanced at their intertwined hands. "Baby, look."

"Why? What's different?"
"Your skin has a bit more color now. When we hugged earlier, you were cold. Now you're warm."
"Really? That's because you're here."
"Oh, I doubt that."
"No, truly.  Time with you makes up for my hellacious morning."
"You weren't feeling well?"
"Understatement of the century.”
She kissed his forehead. "I'm glad it's helping."
"More than you could ever know."

Chapter 27

The elaborately dressed waitress poured extra dark roast coffee into his white cup. "Thanks," he said. "I'll need this.
She fluttered her lustrous lashes and scanned him from head to toe in response.
"What are you looking at? Is there a problem?" He asked.
"Noo...." She purred. "Come by my place tonight, sexy. We'll waste the night the away with fine wine and decadent dessert."
JC watched her leave with his jaw dropped. Women seduced him but this was uncharted.  He skimmed his surroundings. Nearly every patron gawked at him with looks ranging from arousal to disgust. What is everyone looking at me for? Can't a guy enjoy his breakfast in peace? He glanced down at his attire: a birthday suit. Shit, I'm naked. How did I not notice? Then someone pulled out their smart phone. Shit, I need to get out of here. He scrambled to his feet, grabbing his possessions along the way. He covered his genitalia with his laptop and bolted from the establishment.

Despite his efforts, the photos went viral within minutes. Relentless harassment ensued. Fame whore! Bastard! Creep! Sleaze ball! Scumbag! Don't you have any decency? You're the reason the world is going to hell!

ENOUGH! I have to find the bastard who caused this in the first place. They are the true scumbag for taking my picture without my consent.

The sequence fast forwarded to the confrontation with the individual. He was in his mid forties with an extremely smug look on his face.

"YOU.RUINED.MY.LIFE!" JC roared.

"So? You were naked and asking for the attention."

"YOU.HAD.NO.RIGHT.TO.DO.THAT!"

"What will you do about it, pretty boy? You couldn't tackle a baby if you tried!"

JC pushed him to the ground. "DONT.THINK.I.DON'T.KNOW.HOW.TO.FIGHT."

The enemies wrestled with one another, grunting, kicking and punching with all their might. JC smuggled the man's phone from his pocket. He snapped the device in half. As a result, the concrete faulted and revealed a black abyss below. The man shoved JC to his death. He screamed as the void consumed him.

He awoke gasping for air with an accelerated heart rate and rapid sweat. Heavy breathing triggered a coughing fit. Please, body, let me go. I'm suffocating, he pleaded through the pain. Imprisoned air struggled to break free as the tracheal walls converged to contain its victim.

This is a terrible way to die. In the dead of night with no one around. Mom and Dad will find my body by morning.

After the chaos died down, he glanced at the time. 3:02. I can't call anyone right now. They deserve every second of contented slumber they can get. I envy them. They aren’t choking on their own breath, expelling their own guts, move about their daily lives while having no fucking idea what it's like to beg for death amidst the agony. I used to take that freedom for granted. At this point, it seems like I’ll never get it back.

He sighed, gazing at the empty space beside him. I wish Jenna was here. I could lose myself in her arms. He closed his eyes, imagining her curves wrapped in his sheets while she stroked his hair and whispered, "You're okay. You're safe. I promise". His arms encircled her, holding onto the only steady entity he had left.

Snap out of it! We're supposed to take it slow. I'll ask her to come over early, granted I'm well enough. She can't see how sick I get in the mornings.

"Damn," he grumbled. "Why do I care about how I look to others? I have cancer!"

A pattern had developed the past few days: he’d cough and vomit early in the morning, resulting from yesterday’s limited consumption. The symptoms drifted off in the afternoon and early evening. It lulled him in a sense of composure. Those were his most positive times. Maybe, just maybe, this disease could be beaten. Unfortunately, hope was crushed by another episode before bed. Finally he’d go to sleep and repeat the cycle all over again.

Jenna had come over every day, but only in the afternoon. She hadn’t seen the worst of what cancer could do. He wanted to protect her from that reality. Yet he knew if they continued into a serious direction, she would have to witness it.  She’s been supportive so far but what if she turns around when the gore appears? Another treatment was due tomorrow; he wanted her to accompany him.

He texted her the next morning, asking if she could stop by earlier than usual. Jenna answered that she would try, but had a few errands to finish first. I need to get up today. I want her to see that I’ve actually done something productive. She wouldn’t judge you if you didn’t. I know, but I need to do this. I need to move around. The distance between his bedroom and the living room would normally take a few minutes. Today, an hour from constant stopping to catch a breath.

“Hello?” Jenna’s voice called around 12:30.

“I’m in the living room, babe. Come on in.” He replied, starting to stand up.

Footsteps strode down the hall; she appeared a moment later. JC pulled her close before she said a word. Jenna shifted her weight before embracing him back. He buried his face in her shoulder as her fingers found the base of his neck. I'm safe here. She won't let anything happen. Her steady breath starkly contrasted his staggered one. Within seconds their chests moved as one. I won't let go first; she’s delightful.
Jenna released after a few minutes. "Hey sweetie."
“Hey. Thanks, I needed that."
"You're welcome. Want to talk about it?"
He shook his head.
"Let's get you settled."
"Not without a kiss," he teased.
"You can kiss me on the couch, too"
"Yeah, but why not now?"
She playfully rolled her eyes as they kissed.
"I'll never tire of kissing you," he whispered after.

"I'll hold you to that, Chasez." She kissed him again. "Truly, let's get you back on the couch before you collapse."

"You'll catch me, won't you?" He asked as he sat back down.

"That shouldn't be a question." She joined him and he placed his head on her shoulder. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders and kissed his forehead.

Silence followed. JC basked in Jenna's presence: her strong shoulder to lean on, the honest touch of her arm and the warmth radiating from her aura dissipated his anger momentarily. I'm so glad you're here, love.

"Babe, are you going to release the footage you showed me the other day?"

JC groaned. Do you have to bring this up? I don't owe them shit. "I haven't even been thought about it, Jenna. In case you haven't noticed, my day doesn't have room for other people's nosey ass opinions."

"Maybe they'll leave you alone if you respond."

"Psh, are you kidding? If one news organization gets the juicy details, everyone else will swoop around like vultures trying to steal a lion's kill."

Jenna chuckled. "That’s a brutal but completely accurate comparison. No one wants to get 'scooped'. If you have the story, everyone's calling you for additional information. If your rival does, you're scrambling to put together a respectable story to compete."

"The calls are getting fucking ridiculous, though. I want to break my phone so they can't call me."

"But then you can't contact me."

"True enough."

"Can't you just get a new phone number?"

JC snorted. "Shit, why didn't I think of that? So simple."

"Blame it on the chemo brain."

He smiled slightly. "This is why you're here, Jenna. You make me smile when I don't feel like it. That's not an easy thing to do."

"You've probably heard this countless times but you have a beautiful smile."

"Not from you."

“Honey, the gaunt cancer patient look doesn't suit you."

JC laughed heartily. His left side cramped from the sound. Jenna joined in and they continued on.

“Good god Jenna, that was perfect,” he replied mid-laugh. “So what do you suggest I wear instead?”

“Anything not involving satin and frosted tips.”

“I said that in an interview once. How did you know?”

“I may or may not have watched a few on YouTube recently.”

“Huh, so you’re buying into the hype too, eh?”

“No. This is real life. We’re two imperfect people who decided life is worth experience with a companion. We laugh, we cry, we comfort each other.  A much needed laugh, I may add.”

“Glad I can bring a smile to your gorgeous face.”

Jenna blushed. “Sorry I blush so much. I’m not used to so many compliments.”

“Expect them daily, ideally multiple times. You deserve to feel valued. Anyone who has told you otherwise is a liar.”

“Derek, we’re looking at you,” she muttered.

“Exactly. But he’s gone now. I’ll heal the wounds he’s inflicted on your heart.” He kissed her forehead.

She smiled. “You’ve already started.
If I’m going to publish this, I rather release it with her here. “The footage is on my laptop, which I left in the studio downstairs. We can hang out more there.”

"You feel well enough? I can get it and bring it up here if you want.”

He shrugged. "Worse comes to worse, I'll sleep down on the couch tonight. Thanks, but I can handle it. Moving from room to room gives me a sense of normalcy. I'm not a prisoner in my own home.”

She sat up. "Then let's go."

"Hey! What's the hurry? We don't have to go right this second, darling. Don't be afraid to simply enjoy being with me. Just because we're dating doesn't mean we can't hang out without expectations."

Jenna settled back in. "Like I did the first night. It was nice to hold you close and forget everything else." She cleared her throat. "I'm afraid to be completely vulnerable. My career is in shambles. Everything else might as well go wrong, too."

JC sighed. "It's not in shambles. You were in the wrong place with the wrong supervisor.

Anything worth having comes with risks. You can't predict the outcome.  Last I checked, we both wanted to take that risk."

"I'm human, okay? I have emotions. Don't act like you weren't you weren't scared to let me in, too."

"Of course I was! But you've dismantled them. I know you're serious about your feelings. Nonetheless, I wish you wouldn't get in your own way."

"I'm sorry, JC. You're so genuine and sweet yet I keep shutting you out. You deserve better."

"I like who I have.  However, it's frustrating when you go from laughing with me over a sarcastic joke to practically jumping from my arms without warning. Did I do something wrong?"

"No, it's not you. Fear is my automatic reaction after the past few years. Logically, I know you won't intentionally hurt me. It's the matter of convincing my heart."

"What does letting fear win accomplish, though? You might miss out on the best experiences of your life. Then you're stuck with miserable regret that it didn't turn out." Or in my case, without my life's purpose.

Jenna shook her head. "Wow, we've only been dating a week and you're speaking my language already."

"And this is a bad thing because?"

"I didn't say it was! It's surprising how quickly we've rubbed off on each other."

"Watch out, we'll be finishing each other's sentences before too long."

"Oh, how sickeningly cute would that be?"

"Where did the wittiness come from? You are full of them today!"

"The snark has been known to show up at times. My dad and my brother have similar senses of humor. You have to appreciate sarcasm and deadpan while dating me."

"Noted, smart one."

"I'm sweet, too, I promise!"

He brushed her hair away from her face. "I know. You'll find I'm not saccharine sweet either. I'm not the guy who tells you he loves you every five seconds. I rather show you by spending time with you and do thoughtful things. Not that I won't say it, but I think actions speak louder."

"Like the old adage: actions speak louder than words."

"Yours have sent me a clear message."

"Wait. You’ve changed your mind.”

"I didn’t know about Derek and your true feelings then. I appreciate you protecting me and us."

"Work should be separated from personal life when possible. Doesn't happen all the time since one can seep into the other. I hate how invasive celebrity culture is. It should be common sense not to spread lies about someone, celebrity or not. Then factor in personal attachments, conflict was inevitable."

"You're private, like me. When you value something you protect it at all costs."

"Right. This moment belongs to us. No one else."

JC raised his eyebrow. "You getting all cliché on me, Jenna?"

"I'm not immune to sap, JC. I say what I feel. If I'm in a sentimental mood, you'll know."

"Have you thought about being a motivational speaker? You're so articulate and relatable."

Jenna frowned. "I doubt I'd be good at it. You're one person. Hundreds or thousands of eyeballs watching me is a different story."

"Well, let's go downstairs. The record needs set straight."

"Okay. Do you need me to help you?"

"Hold my hand and walk beside me."

"I'll be glad to, babe." She stood up; he joined a moment later.

They laced hands and JC kissed hers.

"And you say you're not sweet." Jenna replied with a wry smile.

He shrugged. "I have my moments."

Going from that couch to the studio took a half hour, due to JC tiring out so quickly. Jenna patiently waited each time, never rushed him to go faster than he was able. Once arrived, JC got another media phone call. You got to be fucking kidding me. I have to change this now or I’ll go insane. He asked Jenna if he could use her phone. She agreed. Ten minutes later, the number was changed. “Thanks, sweetie. I’ll deal with telling people my new number later.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me?” She joshed.

“Of course, you’re right here. I mean everyone else except you and my parents.”

“Oooh, I must be in some elite club then.”

“Maybe.” He booted up his laptop.

Jenna surveyed her surroundings again. "Did we ever chill out here before?”
She likes to do that when we’re in here. "You mean when we first knew each other?"
She nodded.
"No. I wasn't living here then. This studio is my sanctuary. I can experiment and make music without fear of being destroyed."
"So I'm one of the special ones, huh?"
He smirked. "You could say that."

“You know what else you shouldn’t have had to feel?”

“What?”

“That you’re second best. Especially since they thought you were a threat to your friend’s career. You’re two different artists with your own skill sets.”

JC rasberried his lips. Here we go again. He and Jenna had discussed this in the latter half of Kate’s development. He deflected her concern then and would do the same now. He couldn’t let on how much that situation hurt him. What are you trying to do, Jenna? Get me to unearth something I buried a long time ago? Not happening. “Tell that to Jenkins and company. They had their favorites; it wasn't me. Maybe if I had tried with a different record label, the opposite would've happened. What’s the point in wondering, though? It’s ancient history.”

“Nostalgia hit me last night, so I watched a few of your interviews. Both in person and on camera I noticed a gradual downturn in your demeanor.”

“No shit, Sherlock. You know how grueling it is dealing with incessant criticism privately. Now imagine having to pretend everything’s wonderful and promote a project you’re convinced won't reach your fans. It’s glorious.”

“Knowing what they were doing beforehand made it unbearable. I desperately wanted to stop the humiliation you were about to experience. Then again, an attempt would have cost my job in the process.” She cleared her throat. “Seeing you now has brought back all the contempt I had for the executives. How can they sleep at night? How can they live with the fact that they extinguished such a beautiful, charismatic and charming fire like yours? It breaks my heart, quite frankly.”
JC sighed. "Mine, too. News flash: I'm not that guy anymore. And if you think he's coming back, leave." Fuck, what am I saying? Now I've scared her away.
"Don't get me wrong, I accept you as you are now. I was just sharing what I thought."
He turned towards her. "Sorry, Jen. I'm really pissed off at the world. That was unnecessary."
She shrugged. "It's fine. You've had a rough few days."
"I didn't mean to take it out on you, though. I'm sorry, babe."
She kissed his cheek. "I understand. This conversation is entering treacherous waters, anyway"

“I have enough to deal with today. Don't need to bring the skeletons out of the closet, too." The computer screen came upon the upload page of YouTube. "Now, what to call this response? I don't want something blatantly obvious. I could simply put "NO, I'M NOT DEAD" in capital letters."

 I know this song called "Mouth Shut" by the Veronicas. The girl talks about how she suppressed what she really felt about a failing relationship. At the end, she says, 'I won't keep my mouth shut anymore'."

"I like it. I kept my mouth shut about a lot of things and here I can sound off. Diplomatically of course."

"You ready to upload?"

He shrugged. "Ready as I'll ever be. I wish I felt as positive as I sound."

"You ever heard the phrase 'fake it till you make it'?"

"Yeah.”

“Keep telling yourself positive mantras and one day you’ll buy into it, too.”

JC clicked the upload button. "You make it sound so easy, Jen. We'll see how the public buys this."