I slide into the back seat of the black Escalade and can’t help but roll my eyes at the extravagance. A full display of snacks and drinks laid out, along with a bouquet of flowers, sleep mask, AirPods, and scented candle.
An Uber or even a cab would have been more than fine, especially considering the drive from the airport to the house is all of 45 minutes. But Justin insisted.
It’s almost comical how often I find myself saying that…. Justin insisted.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely don’t mean that negatively in any way… his persistence has more than paid off in so many aspects of not just his life, but the lives of almost everyone around him.
His career… the careers of others he’s been part of… finances… our home… our relationship… our daughter… our friends… so many things that his persistence somehow impacted. Sure, sometimes he annoys the shit out of me, but today, we’re going to focus on the positives.
I think the ultimate way Justin’s persistence has paid off over the years, and I’m sure at least 85% of the female population between the ages of 10 and 50 will agree, was on full display on September 12th, 2023.
Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass, Chris Kirkpatrick and Joey Fatone walked out on stage at the MTV Video Music Awards for the first time in a decade… as Nsync.
And then the roller coaster started.
Not that our lives haven’t always been a batshit insane roller coaster, but this Nsync stuff is on a whole other level.
The part that’s interesting is that it really wasn’t supposed to turn into this. I know there’s the theories that it was some calculated plan, but it really wasn’t.
C’mon y’all… I love him dearly, but my husband ain’t always the brightest crayon in the box.
Anyway, back the point, cause I swear, I do actually have one!
So… when Justin first got the Trolls script and read it, we pretty much knew what would be asked of him. He took some time and thought it over, talked to the guys, and the plan initially had been just guest cameo’s as a rival boyband.
When Justin started working on the soundtrack, he wrote Better Place, and the demo was fantastic.
However, the perfectionist insisted something was missing. He spent weeks playing around with the vocals, the bass, the synth… you name it, he fucked with it in some way. No matter what he did, he still swore something was missing and it was trash until he figured it out or wrote something else.
Justin scrapped Better Place entirely. Then there was the idea of remixing Nsync stuff for a modern sound and using that. When he started on the remix for I Want You Back, it finally clicked.
It took two months for Justin to realize Better Place was an Nsync song. It took another month to convince the other guys, three more months to coordinate schedules, then two days in the studio later, Better Place was finally complete to Justin’s standard.
It was going to be the “theme” song for the movie and an awesome little taste of nostalgia.
I tried to tell him he was delusional if he thought people weren’t going to go absolutely apeshit over this song. Warned him that the fans, the label, possibly even the guys would want it to go further.
He told me to pull the stick out of my ass and relax, because there was absolutely no way it would be that big of a deal.
“It’s been 20 years, Madison… “ He said, rolling his eyes and sighing at me like he’s done since the night we met. “They know it’s over by now… they’ll get it. They get us… they’ll know.”
So, after the six months it took the get Better Place recorded… a month of making sure everyone’s schedules would be clear for the VMA’s and movie premiere… Nsync walked out in that stage, and I knew immediately.
In an instant, I felt the electricity in the air, heard the gasps and “oh my god”‘s all around me… In that second, I knew our lives had just changed.
I didn’t know how much, but I knew.
First, came the internet hype. Justin saw it, and assumed it was the excitement of nostalgia and it would die down in a couple weeks. Then the single was released, then the chart and sales numbers started rolling in… I could already see the wheels turning in his head. He knew he misjudged the situation, but he didn’t quite know what to do about it. Then the movie came out, and the box office numbers came in… and that’s when he finally understood.
It might have been 20 years. But it wasn’t over.
I didn’t come into the picture until long after the Nsync pandemonium had died down. Justin was at the peak of his solo success, the movies were somehow doing fairly well…
Oh come on… you all have seen those movies. Sure, a couple were decent, and he was even good in some of them… but don’t act like y’all don’t know what I’m talking about. I love him and support him no matter what, but he needs to play to his strengths. And he’s got plenty of them.
Anyway. The Nsync thing, until this last two years, has never really been a part of my life with Justin…. Well, apart from the brotherly resentment and competition between Justin and JC that I’ve been dealing with for close to 15 years, but that was also kind of its own thing.
Until all of this began, I didn’t realize just how much of our lives revolved around me and my career. I’m sure I sound like an idiot, and of course I clearly remember the sacrifices Justin made for me, but it really has been my career that’s guided our lives all these years.
And now flipping that script is entirely too fucking strange for words.
I’m a touring musician. I always have been, and probably always will be. So if I’m not on the road… I just don’t feel right.
But, I know he needs this. And I know I need to make some sacrifices for him.
Justin walked away from everything for me. Justin took a chance on me and a cover band after I’d walked away from him and my career. He’s spent the last four years running the label and raising our daughter.
And now, he has been given the opportunity of a lifetime. To revisit his youth. To go back to the beginning of his career and relive it. To see 20 plus years of adoration on the faces of people who knew this would happen someday. To reconnect with the four men who helped shape him into the man he is today.
He’s been given such an incredible gift, and I can’t remember the last time I saw him this insanely excited about a work project.
He fought it for so long and swore it was done and he’d outgrown it… but I think there’s always been a small part of him that wished he could go back. No matter how well he was doing on his own, I think something inside of him has always felt like the puzzle wasn’t complete when he was on his own. I’d swear, there have been times over the years where I watched him perform, and I’d swear, for a split second here and there, I could see his eyes searching the stage for his brothers. Like it was unnatural to look across a stage and not see them.
I can’t even put into words how excited I am for him. The joy this has brought him has been one of the best things I’ve ever witnessed.
But there’s a part of me that’s terrified. Our lives have been unconventional. I’ve been a working mother for three years. How is my daughter going to handle the upheaval in her routine? How am I going to adjust to “normal” life? How is this album and tour going to impact our lives going forward?
How long is it gonna take for me to punch a grown ass Nsync fan cause she made a play at Justin?
Kidding… ish.
As we approach the wrought iron gates to enter the community, I can feel my chest begin to tighten.
It’s been exactly 3 months and 3 days since I’ve been home…. I probably could have toured this last album for another six months, but this was the deal.
I could release the album, do a small run of the US, and come home in time for Nsync to head out, or I could shelve the album until the groups US tour was finished.
I couldn’t sit on the album for another year, so here we are. But I know it’s the right thing to do. Justin deserves this and it makes him so fucking happy, and there is nothing in the world I love more than seeing him and that little girl smile.
The car slows to a stop in the driveway and I can’t help but smile at the pink and purple toys scattered all over the porch and front yard. When I’m gone, I almost have to force myself to forget what life is like at home, because when I start missing them… it’s honestly a pain I can’t even describe. It doesn’t ease up, you can’t ignore it… it’s always there, front and center. And don’t even get me started on the guilt…
I slide out of the car and can’t help but smirk at the drivers shock when I begin unloading my own bags. You’d think after all these years, people would get that we are somewhat normal.
I thank him and head for the front door, the sounds of cheerful music and laughter getting louder as I get closer. I can already feel the smile breaking out across my face, and the tears well up in my eyes when I hear Justin’s excited shouts of “Mommy’s home!”, followed by the sounds of their footsteps bounding toward the door.
The door flies open and a blur of blonde curls is propelled into my arms, and Justin nearly topples the three of us to the ground.
I’m home.
“Is she awake?”
“Hmm… no.”
“Is she dead?”
“What? No!”
“Are you really really sure?”
“Yes, Lacie, I’m really, really sure.”
“My hamster died.”
“He did. But, he went to Heaven.”
“My friend Parker’s fish died. He went to heaven in the toilet.”
“That’s just how fish get to heaven. They have to swim there, and not everyone can be near the ocean. So they send them in the toilet.”
“If Mommy’s dead, can she go to heaven in the toilet? Mommy knows how to swim.”
I held it in for as long as I possibly could, but the laughter finally escapes and I can feel the tears running down my cheeks. I cannot believe how much I missed them.
The bed shifts and a moment later, the wind is knocked out of me when a tiny body collapses on top of me. I instinctively slide my arms around her and hold her tight, smiling at the sweet giggle she lets out.
“Good morning sunshine…”
She grins up at me and I’m blown away by how much she’s changed in three months. Her face has thinned out, I swear she’s at least 6 inches taller, she’s speaking more clearly… she’s growing up. Way too fucking fast.
And I’ve missed so much of it.
I quickly blink back the tears and force a smile. I do everything in my power to keep those thoughts locked away, because as soon as my mind starts on that train, it’s gonna be a downward spiral.
“It’s Daddy’s birthday.” Lacie states matter of factly, her nose centimeters from mine. “Pancakes.”
In a flash, she leaps off the bed and skips through the room, singing “pancakes” in every tone, voice, and volume she can possibly think of as she makes her way down the stairs.
Justin shakes his head before crossing the room and easing down on the edge of the bed, a warm smile spreading across his face. “Welcome home, dear.”
“She spends too much time with you.” I mumble as he brushes the hair out of my face. “You’re the only other person I know who’s that excited in the morning.”
“Well, I am going to choose to take that as a compliment and fix our daughter some pancakes before she burns this place to the ground.” Justin kisses me quickly and stands up. “Take your time doing what you need to do… dinner isn’t until tonight, so you’ve got the entire day to chill. Lace knows how this all goes.”
He heads from the room and closes the door softly behind him. I know this is the routine. These were the decisions we made almost five years ago when we found out I was pregnant. It’s not new.
But every time I come home… I can’t help but feel a distance. Justin couldn’t be more loving and supportive if he tried… I know I’m the problem.
We found out I was pregnant at the start of a European tour. After the complete shock had worn off, I hauled ass back home, determined it was still early enough that I could safely complete the tour. So, that’s what I did.
I came back home at 5 months pregnant, and didn’t go back to work until Lacie turned one. The sleepless nights, post partum depression, stress and confusion were hard but that first year was just so incredible. It was the three of us in our own little bubble. We got to bond in a way that I’m sure most families would absolutely kill for.
But. There’s always a but.
But there’s a reason we were able to hide away in becoming parents for a year. And after a year, that reason came calling.
After the tour in Europe ended, the original plan had been to start writing and get back in the studio right away. The label and everyone was so great when I told them I wanted the time off to start our family. But I also knew that would only last so long. Because at the end of the day, it’s business.
So… I went back to work and that’s kinda been it these last few years. Justin isn’t as hands on with the day to day at the label and made the decision to be a stay at home dad 85% of the time. Fortunately for me, it’s clearly what he was born to do.
Besides that whole multi-talented, world renowned pop star thing.
Literally from the second this child was born, Justin just knew what to do. It came so naturally to him and it blew my mind. Granted, I knew he’d spent time around his brothers as infants and I had zero experience to go on, but it was even above and beyond that.
Lacie could be in near hysterics, and Justin’s mere presence would calm her. He could pack a diaper bag and be out the door in ten minutes, whereas, it would take me two hours to get myself and the baby ready, and I’d still be late. He just knew what to do, and he was so good at it.
It took me awhile, but I caught on. Just when I finally felt like I had the mom thing down… it was time to leave the amazing little bubble we’d created.
That’s not to say the last three years of my career haven’t been amazing too… because they have. Once the original lineup of The Ledge had completely changed, I was able to buy everyone out of their rights to the name and music, retain the name, rebrand as Madison Fox and The Ledge, and I was off and running. The split was totally amicable, thank god. Sure, I know all the shit that’s been said and the rumors… but none of it’s true.
I never relapsed. I never slept with anyone in the band. Although, in hindsight… I totally had a girl crush on Stella and always will. There wasn’t any fighting over money, or spotlight, or credit. None of it was that complicated. It was just life.
Benny got married and wanted to settle down. Shocked the hell out of me, but it happened. Last time I saw him, he and his wife had settled in Denver with their three kids.
Ryan wanted to start a metal band. Wasn’t a major surprise to me after working with him for so long and knowing he’s just as much of a music whore as I am. He’d planned to just step away for awhile, but the band really took off, and that was the better creative outlet for him. They’re actually on tour in Japan, at the moment. He even came to a show in Germany a year or so ago.
Stella. Stella, Stella, Stella. It’s gotten easier to talk about over the last several years, but it will never not shatter my heart. It’ll be 8 years this summer, and all I can say is that cancer is a mother fucker.
We found out when we finished the last actual The Ledge album. The promotion and tour was planned, and Stella being the bad ass she’s always been, refused to cancel anything. We had the absolute most wonderful doctors and care team on the road, and she did great for awhile. By the end of the tour, the cancer had spread, and we could see the toll everything had taken. Sometimes, I wonder if cancelling the tour would have bought her more time, and then I feel so fucking guilty for giving in and letting her go through with it.
But, then I think about who Stella was. How much she loved the band, and touring and the fans, and music. If there’s anything on this earth she’d have wanted to go out doing, that was it. We lost her six months after that tour. By then, Ryan’s band was doing well, and Benny was planning his wedding.
I’m not so sure the three of us could have gone on without her, honestly. It just wouldn’t have been the same.
I finally muster up the energy to roll out of bed and wince when I stand up. The joys of getting old as shit… coming home from tour has you sore for a minimum two weeks.
40. I’m gonna be 40 fucking years old on May 17th. Ugh.
I grab the first leggings and sweatshirt I can find, throw them on and make my way down the stairs. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear I just walked into an all girls daycare center. Dozens of pink and purple toys are littered throughout the house, books on tables, sippy cups strewn about… a random observer might question if adults live here at all.
She’s beyond spoiled, I know.
I find her seated at the table, happily eating her breakfast and kicking her legs back and forth. Kids and their complete refusal to be still blows my mind. How does any living being contain so much energy that they have to be in constant motion?
Kids are fucking weird.
I wouldn’t trade her for anything on the face of this earth, but she definitely wasn’t part of the plan. Sure, we’d tried for quite awhile after we got married, but after two years with not so much as a scare… we started seeing doctors. Having struggled with shitty periods all my life, it seemed I just wasn’t quite normal in that department, and we could keep trying, but it was “highly unlikely.” Second, third and fourth opinions all confirmed it.
So, we accepted it and moved on. We were happy together, we had the dogs… a baby would have been an amazing bonus, but we weren’t going to let it ruin our future. If it was meant to be, it would have happened.
Funny how the universe always knows what it’s doing.
We stopped trying, and bam… next thing I know, I’m hugging the toilet everyday for two weeks. I finally broke down and took a test, and the rest is history.
“So… what’s the birthday agenda?”
“Well…” Justin shuts off the faucet and dries his hands before turning to face me. “I figured we’d just chill around here for the day… we’re meeting everyone for dinner at 8, and Lace is spending the night with Nanny… then we’ll come home and crash.” He smirks at me, one eyebrow arched.
There it is. The look.
The look that has had me losing my fucking mind for the last 16 years.
The look that he knows gets me. Every. Single. Time.
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. “So-s-sounds good.” I manage to sputter out.
He grins and crosses the room before planting a quick kiss on my forehead. “I missed you so fucking much.” He breathes in my ear and a chill runs down my spine.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love Justin’s birthdays?
**********
I slide out of the car behind Justin and follow him up the walkway to the front door. He must have had the housekeepers specifically scheduled while we were at dinner, because I can already see the place is spotless. Justin opens the door and I can’t help but smile. The house is dark with the exception of the soft glow of the candles scattered throughout the house.
I feel his arms slide around my wait from behind as he places a kiss on my neck, then rests his chin on my shoulder. “I’m glad you’re home.”
“Me too.” I turn to face him and slide my arms around his neck. “Happy Birthday.”
In an instant, his lips are on mine and he pulls me tight against him. No matter what was going around us… this has always been how we connected. As cornball as it sounds… there’s always been something different in the way he touched me. The chill that runs down my spine when his fingers brush my skin, the way every part of me melts when he kisses me… even during the times I tried to convince myself I hated him… the moment he touched me, I knew I was just lying to myself.
Justin is the other part of me. Always has been, always will be. And Lacie was the last piece of our puzzle.
I’m not sure where the next few months are going to take us… but there’s no one on earth I’d rather go through every bit of it with, than my husband and our gorgeous little girl.