Your style, your voice, your points of view

The good the bad and ugly too

Boy I'll take it (give it to me)

I'll be careful (give it to me)

Addiction don't dome close to this

Official is what this shit is

Still I can't say

No I can't say that (I'm in love)

Jamelia- Something About You

I had gone through four years of college for this? Graduated at the top of my class for public relations, gone through the hell that it was of an internship to be the personal assistant. More like personal asshole.

The way he talks to me, the way he treats me, and yet millions of girls would kill for the opportunity I have right now. Because, haven't you heard? Justin Timberlake is single, that's right, single. And right know the only girl in his life besides his mom is well, me.

Let me make this clear though, not by choice. I mean, I'm all about the money and when Clive put it out on the table how much this job would actually rake in what was I to do? Turn down that much cash just for fetching coffee and scheduling appearances?

I can only actually hope that getting through these next few months could be as smooth sailing as possible. Boy, was I wrong.

From the moment I walked into his house, introduced myself as Diana Knight, he could do nothing but refer to me as "it" to the rest of his buddies. As if I was some sort of property, something that could stand tormenting and orders, because, well, she wasn't tangible.

"Di! Get me tickets to the Laker's game tonight!" Justin bellowed from his office. Not even giving the common courtesy to call me by my full name.

"Di-an-a, Justin, please? And you know the game has been sold out for weeks. Trace offered you tickets weeks ago and you turned them down. Don't you remember?" I reply back while walking into his "sanctuary".

He sits with his head in his hands, papers surrounding the desk. There are old Nsync records on the wall, as well as a big framed Justified album. "Obviously that wasn't me," he breaks my staring competition with the wall, "because why the fuck would I turn down courtside seats? Oh, I know why! Because my fucking assistant can't do shit."

"You know Justin, I tried, I begged her to come back. Hell, to even go to dinner with you. She wants no part of a relationship anymore, and who am I to blame her? Look at the way you treat me" I spat back, now knowing why Jess left him.

"I wouldn't be so mean if my life didn't suck so fucking bad, you know that right?"

I stare blankly at him, "I'm sorry... I didn't know that living the glamorous life was so difficult for two celebrities to attempt to have a relationship. But that really doesn't mean you should take it out on me, I didn't sign up for this shit."

He attempts to make me feel slightly better "I'm sorry Di-an-a, really I am. Just see if you can rustle up two tickets to the game. I get the feeling I need to spend some quality time with a certain assistant of mine."

Suddenly that makes everything alright. As if wasting my education and my sanity is okay. You know what? Fuck you Justin Timberlake, and fuck your way with words. Pretty soon I won't be able to hide these feelings much longer...

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
One Republic- Apologize

I had spent quite a bit of time in front of the mirror, admiring the article clothing that was covering my body. A strapless empire waist flowing gown in the most gorgeous shade of blue that I had ever seen. It came all the way past my ankles and made me feel like a million bucks. Maybe even better than that. Justin was going to love it, really he would. At least, at the current moment, I had hoped he would love it.

I bought the dress, had it boxed and wrapped and headed back to the Timberlake compound. I was so anxious to model the dress, I felt a little bit like a kid in a candy store, and all I could do was hope that this would be the one thing to make Justin recognize me as something more than just a personal bitch. I hit the garage door opener on the stone house and quietly moved my car in and shut off the ignition.

"Shhh, she won't be home for a couple more hours. Trust me, I told her to go dress shopping and when girls go dress shopping they're always gone for hours." He said to the blonde sitting on the couch.

"Yeah, but when are you gonna tell her that you decided to take me to the event instead of her?" Macy replied while straddling his waist.

Interrupting their kisses, Justin said, "Tonight over dinner or something probably."

"You know what Justin, don't bother. I don't need a dinner to be told that." I interjected.

Quickly he threw Macy off of him and made his way over to me.

I placed my hand in the air, "don't, just don't. If you need anything call Trace, because as of right now, I'm taking a leave of absence."

"You can't!" He exclaimed as I made my way to the car. "I'm paying you!"

"Read the fucking contract you asshole, I get four weeks. And guess what? I'm using them, Justin, and I don't give a shit what you think, say, or do."

I started the car back up and flew out of the driveway. My cellphone began to ring and without looking at the caller ID, I rolled down the window and threw it on the highway.

"SHIT!" I say to myself, "I left the fucking dress at the house!"

______________________________________________________

"What do you mean she left man?" Trace questioned while handing me a beer.

"I mean she peaced, said she had four weeks or some shit on her contract that she could take off and ran out of the house. I tried calling and it goes straight to voice mail now, I must've left about twenty of them." I explain.

You know? I feel like this is all my fucking fault. Like I couldn't think logically enough and realize that when shit did get bad in the house, people like Macy just can't handle it. Diana was right, people like her only like the attachment to my name, not me. I mean, it's not that big of a deal though, right? She's only my personal assistant. Tons of girls would kill for her job, I could have a new one in like five minutes, right? It's only been a couple of hours, though, and I already feel like my life is unorganized as possible.

"What about-" Trace begins.

"Don't even fucking ask me about the charity event. I really don't have a clue what to do." I say

"You know, I respect you on a lot of decisions you make regarding the business aspect of your life, but when it comes to actually handling a relationship, dude, you suck. You had a girl right in front of your face, and you treated her like dirt. Put yourself in her position, do you think it would've felt good inside to see a person who just asked you to go on a high profile date making out on your couch, talking about you to somebody that really doesn't have a brain?" Trace says, making me feel more like the scum of earth, maybe even worse.

"I know! Don't you think I know I screwed it up? She probably won't even want to speak to me anymore. Let alone be seen in public with me." I say, while getting up and going to the kitchen. That's when I notice it, the box, probably with her dress or something in it.

"Trace! Dude, come check this out." I state. It's this long blue gown, something that only certain people could pull off. It requires the body, you know? But there's something about it, something I just can't put my finger on.

Trace examines the dress, "J, man, this isn't your run of the mill 'I'm going on a date with Justin, yay!' dress, this is 'I'm Justin Timberlake's girlfriend, and don't you forget it, bitch.'"

"Shut up, asshole."

"Hey man, sorry, I gotta go though, I'll talk to you later." Trace walks to the door, opens it and turns around to look at me, "quit fucking up man."

Once again, I screw everything up. But don't you people think I know that?

Obviously not.

Thinking back on my mistakes,
I can't undo all the days that I misused.
I thought you that you would always stay.
Its hard to face the simple truth,
That time brings no relief,
And time is all you need you said,
Had to go clear out your head.
While you're trying to decide if you'll come back to me.
Nick Lachey- Shades of Blue

So here I've been for the past few hours, wondering if what I did was really the right thing to do. Begging a girl to forgive me, it's just really not my style. I didn't beg Cameron, Jess, or Britney for that matter to ever come back to me. I left that all in the past because that's where I honestly felt that they belonged. But there's just something about her, I can't explain it. And it's not that I haven't tried to rack my brain to figure out why she's so different, because I have, and I've come up with nothing.

I begin to put the suit on and think about the possibility of her showing up tonight, what will I say? How will I react? Seeing the dress woke me up to the fact that she is gorgeous and her taste is classy, but seeing her in it, I don't know if I can control myself in that situation.

"Dude," Trace bellows from the hallway, "dude, we have to go. We're late, again!"

He complains while trying to talk to his girlfriend on the phone. "Yes, yes baby, I know. I'll see you there, promise. Ok, love you."

"We are not going to be late, Trace. The host is never late." I reply back as I continue getting ready. Finally tying my shoes I make my way out of my bedroom and downstairs to the awaiting car.

I really hope she decides to show up, it would be fantastic.

"Starting to feel a little less shitty?" Trace questions.

"Oh yeah, because apparently what I did wasn't so bad." I sarcastically reply back.

Trace continues fiddling with his phone, "You know, she might show up, man. Anything's possible."

I sigh, "I hope so, Trace, I hope so."
______________________________________________
After having a crash course makeover from Ken and his entourage, I finally feel as though I can actually roll with the celebrities tonight. I make my way out of the limo and onto the red carpet to where he is answering questions.

"So, Justin, any new flames in your life?" The naseating reporter asks.

"Actually-"

"Actually, Justin it's time you get inside. They're waiting for you," I interrupt.

His face is stunned, as though he doesn't know what to say, if he should put an arm around me or if he should just kneel down and beg for more forgiveness. I had hoped it would work out this way, I just couldn't be to sure.

"Wow," he says, "you look absolutely amazing."

"Thanks," I say, "you're not off the hook yet though."

We make our way into the ballroom and take our respective seats. Justin knows its time to make his speech. He gets up slowly and makes his way over to the podium.

"You know," he starts, "I thought the real reason that I started this charity for kids with depression was because it pained me to see younger people than myself go through more than I could ever imagine. I now realize that the real reason is not just for the children, it's for everyone. There isn't one person sitting amongst you that hasn't gone through a hard moment in his or her own life. And generally, you all have people out there to help you, console you, others don't really have that chance or that oppurtunity. I, however, happen to be a lucky one. I've surrounded myself with amazing people that do everything they can to support me, even if they don't necessarily want to at times. I honestly think that without those people closest to me, I wouldn't be able to continue on with life. Which is why I think, now more than ever, other people should feel the same way. We all need help sometimes, and that's the goal of this event. To help another. Thank you, enjoy your night."

He walks back down to the table and extends his hand as the music starts to play.

"Dance with me," he begins.

"But, what about everyone here?" I say. Suggesting that he might not want to be seen with me that close yet.

Baby tell me where'd you ever learn 
To fight without saying word 
Then waltz back into my life 
Like it's all gonna be alright 
Don't you know how much it hurts 

"Forget them," he takes me out on the floor.

We begin to dance, the only couple actually on the floor, and he pulls me closer, whispering so that I'm the only one that can hear.

"I'm sorry. I really am. But I've got to tell you this, I need you in my life."

When we don't talk 
When we don't touch 
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love 
It matters to me 
When I don't know what to say 
Don't know what to do 
Don't know if it really even matters to you 
How can I make you see 
It matters to me 

"And I know that it won't be easy, and that this is fast. But you mean the world to me, and I only realized that when you left me by myself to figure it out. It's not easy without you, I won't even pretend it is but I do need you and I will do anything to make you feel the same way, I promise you that," he says.

Maybe I still don't understand 
The distance between a woman and a man 
So tell me how far it is 
And how you can love like this 
'Cause I'm not sure I can 

I look back into his piercing blue eyes and realize that this is safe.

"I know that, but I can't deal with your mood swings, I can't sit here and pretend that you don't irk me and make me think that you hate me. You have to stop that."

When we don't talk 
When we don't touch 
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love 
It matters to me 
When I don't know what to say 
Don't know what to do 
Don't know if it really even matters to you 
How can I make you see 
It matters to me 

"I promise," he says and pulls me closer than ever, "I love you, Diana."

"Still not off the hook, Timberlake." I reply

"I can think of a few things to change your mind," he winks.

Faith Hill- It Matters to Me

Well relationships change,

Oh I think it's kinda strange,

How money makes a man grow.

Some people they claim,

If you get enough fame,

You live over the rainbow.

Over the rainbow.

-Amos Lee

The place smelled of fresh popcorn and screamed of young ones running around in their own little piece of heaven. There were lines scattered everywhere, anticipation of the next thrill ride. But it all didn’t seem to matter to us.

Her hand was in mine, and for once in my life, I was content. There wasn’t much more to our relationship than the simplistic part of two people wanting to be happy with each other. Holding her hand was something she hadn’t really shared with anyone else and as crazy as it sounds, it slightly made sense. She never felt comfortable with anyone else until now, and it boggled my mind ever so slightly that of all the options she could’ve picked, it was me. 

The craziest notion, however, was the fact that after everything that has gone on in the past hectic and confusing months, the only thing in my life that inevitably makes sense is her. City past city, she’s still there, every show, every song, every moment, not because she is obligated but because she wants to. 

We’ve been on tour for about a month now, and I know she’s dying to go home, to get back to her own little sanctuary, but she’ll never admit that, she’s always afraid of telling people how she feels. I still try and pay her for the work she’s doing for me, but for some reason she doesn’t feel like she’s actually working anymore, yet just following my sorry ass around everywhere I go. 

When we first started dating after the charity ball, I had the first encounter with the parents, the inevitable awkward conversation with the father that she later admitted didn’t really have that much of an affect on her life anymore. But when you look into her and her mother’s eyes, you begin to understand her ways of thinking and viewing the world. It’s as if the world suddenly begins to make sense when they’re around. 

I think the weirdest thing about my life right now, though, is the distaste I have with my own career right now. I feel like getting up in front of thousands of fans just distracts from what’s really important in my life right now, and that’s Diana. As selfish as it is, I feel like every moment I spend away from her is a moment when I’m not sane, when the world spins around me without control. Everything with her just perfectly fits together in a puzzle when she’s holding my hand the way she is.

It may only be a month into it, but you know, I can see myself waking up to this every morning. She’s adorable in every aspect of life. And the way she walks up to people and has the ability to relate to them regardless of what they look like or who they are is her greatest quality. 

She’s everything to me. She’s going to be the world to me. I just hope I can be everything she needs. 

In my brain

I see your face again

I know my frame of mind

You ain’t got to be so blind

And I’m blind, so very blind

Can’t you see what I am

I live and breathe for you

But what good does it do

If I ain’t got you, ain’t got you

-Jordin Sparks

You know, all I want is to eat a bowl of cereal without a bus bumping something and then spilling all over in the morning. All I want is to wake up in the morning in my own bed, in the nice, over priced sheets I bought myself right after I got the job being Justin’s assistant. I want the small comforts of home, integrated with everything I love about him.

There’s something glorious about everything he does. The way he laughs, and his cheeks crinkle up and you can see his apparent glow in his eyes or the way he stares at me intently listening to every word I’m saying, even if I’m just bitching about Grey’s Anatomy. And I don’t know why all of the simple, small, even miniscule stuff attracts me to him. To me, it’s not pop star Justin Timberlake, it’s just Justin. The boy who learned the hard way about love. 

Speaking of love, we actually haven’t been using the term. He’s said it to me before, but I made him promise that he would use it sparingly until he knows that he’s only going to say it to me for the rest of our lives. That may sound kind of corny to some people, but it works for us.

I’m comfortable, not infatuated. I’m content, not crazy. I’m about to fall in love with somebody, not have my heart broken. I’m taking my time and he’s taking his and in the end, if it works out the way I’m hoping it does, then we have nobody to thank but ourselves. 

When you watch him on stage, his charisma, his facade that he puts up and his beaming light, so bright that if you turned off every light in the arena, it would still light the place up. To have that talent and to hone it the way he has is truly unbelievable to me.

But the tour will be coming to a short break relatively soon, and we’ll both be heading back to our respective families for Thanksgiving. He’ll probably be in Tennessee and I’ll make my way home back to Pittsburgh. I don’t expect us to celebrate the holidays yet, I mean, we’re dating, but nothing’s all that serious yet.

I like simple, it doesn’t complicate my life anymore than it has to but I’d be lying to you right now if I didn’t want more out of this. I want family, kids, love for everyday of the rest of my life. That, however, takes time and dedication, two things we’ve been low on for awhile.

He’s hard to stop staring at, you know that? His hands are softly grazing the keyboard as the first few notes come into play.

“Can I play you one more song before I go?”

All of a sudden, the mass of fans, including myself, respond in outcries and pleas to continue on and he’s right where he should be, in control of nearly eighteen thousand people. His voice softly echos off the microphone and he closes is eyes, as though he’s imagining something when he sings. 

“You’ve been alone

you’ve been afraid

I’ve been a fool

In so many ways

But I would change my life

If you thought you might try to love me

So please, give me another chance

To write you another song

And take back those things I’ve done

Cause I’ll give you my heart

If you would let me start all over again”

And just like that, I lose my sense of common thought. He makes eye contact with me, and right then and there, I know. How could you not? 

“So give me another chance

To write you another song

And take back those things I’ve done

I’ll give you my heart, yes I will

If you would let me start all over again”

Others are blowing kisses, some are panting at the thought of him, and some are just staring. Me though, I just wink and he turns his head and winks at me and I know that all the craziness, all of this, the thousands of fans, once they all leave, it’s still going to be him and me.

Baby when I’m wrapped up in your arms it never rains 

And I’m praying for more, more and more each and every day, ah baby

We’re flying high and no one can deny

They can tell by the look in your eyes

We got love, you got me 

If I got you baby, we got more than money, yeah

You are everything a man’s been dreaming of

Oh we got love, baby we got love, oh yeah

Ryan Shaw- We Got Love

“Diana, what are we doing tonight?” I inquire while walking around the hotel room to find her perusing through a magazine.

Her eyes gleam as she looks up, “Well, I was just reading this review on the Bruce Springsteen and E Street Band concert. Apparently it’s totally awesome, think we should check it out?”

“I had no idea you liked the Boss,” I reply back.

“There’s still a lot you don’t know about me, Timb.”

She cooly saunters into the bedroom part of the suite to go through her clothes and as she looks through her luggage searching for something specific, I come up behind her and just hold her close.

“So I guess that means I should make some calls?” I ask.

“Please, Timb, I haven’t seen the Boss since I was like fifteen, and this would be so awesome.”

With that she walks out of my grasp and heads into the bathroom while I go and make a few phone calls to see if I can still get tickets to the concert tonight. 

What’s funny is that I don’t really even like Bruce Springsteen that much. I mean, sure, he’s an excellent performer but there was never a time when I felt like I had to stop everything I was doing and listen to Springsteen. But the odd part is, if she likes it, so do I.

Moments later, she’s out of the shower without makeup and her hair is in a wet bun high above her head and she looks absolutely flawless. I look down to her t-shirt to see an old slogan.

“Tramps like us, baby we were born to run,” I ask.

“Yeah, you know the song ‘Born to Run’?” she asks

“Uh yeah, I think so.”

“It’s totally my favorite song of all time,” she says.

She’s simple in a pair of jeans and her favorite t-shirt, all ready to go and without putting on any of the makeup she brought and letting her hair dry to its natural curls, she’s ready to own the night.

“You ready?” I ask.

“Yup, I’m so excited, thanks baby,” she says.

We make our way out of the hotel room hand in hand and head down to the arena he’s playing at in Philadelphia. When we finally walk through the gates to our seats, she starts to get giddy as though this is going to be the best night of her life.

It’s that giddiness and that smile that she has plastered all over her face that lets me know that she’s feeling the same way I am.

The lights dim and the music starts to play, and already she’s out of her seat. She knows the words to every song and when the encore comes around, she totally goes wild.

There’s a little girl standing next to her in her father’s arms happily clapping her hands and looking over at Diana and I.

With the first few chords of “Badlands”, the little girl is let down by her father and begins to dance.

“Lights out tonight

trouble in the heartland

Got a head-on collision

smashin' in my guts, man

I'm caught in a cross fire

that I don't understand

But there's one thing I know for sure girl

I don't give a damn

For the same old played out scenes

I don't give a damn

For just the in betweens

Honey, I want the heart, I want the soul

I want control right now

talk about a dream

Try to make it real

you wake up in the night

With a fear so real

spend your life waiting

for a moment that just don't come

Well, don't waste your time waiting”

I look around to the mass of people and let the words soak in. I really don’t give a damn for the old played out scenes and I don’t give a damn for the just inbetweens. No, I want her heart, I want her soul, and yeah maybe I want control right now. 

We’ve been talking about a dream, that of course would be her and I, and yeah, we’re trying to make it real. And I wake up sometimes in the middle of night fearing she’ll leave me. 

I won’t spend my life waiting, I’m going after what I want and she’s right there, holding the little girl’s hands, dancing and singing along with the thousands of others in the arena.

It’s then when she turns around, looks me in the eyes and kisses me in front of everyone. She gently pulls away and lets me know how she’s feeling.

“I love you, Timb.”

At that moment, in front of thousands, I wasn’t Justin Timberlake, I wasn’t the lame ass dickface who didn’t know what he wanted a month or so ago, no, I was the boyfriend holding onto the girlfriend that he never wants to lose, singing to words that seemed to mean everything.

“I believe in the love that you gave me

I believe in the faith that could save me

I believe in the hope

and I pray that some day

It may raise me above”

Bruce Springsteen- Badlands

How could you wait another minute

A hug is warmer when you're in it

And Baby that's a fact

And saying "I love you's" always better

Seasons, reasons, they don't matter

So don't hold back

How many people in this world

So needful in this world

How many people are praying for love

Celine Dion- Don’t Save It All for Christmas Day

“I’m just warning you, Diana, maybe you’re moving a little too fast in this relationship,” said my friend Cait. “Maybe he’s not all he’s cracked up to be.”

We continue walking throughout the snow covered city, making our way through the hecticness that is Black Friday. I had decided that it would be time to meet up with some old friends being back at home in Pittsburgh and there was nothing better than a shopping day out with the girls.

“It’s not the relationship that I’m worried about, we’re fine, it’s everyone else that worries me. The press, the media, all the drama, that’s what I can’t handle,” I reply back while walking around the corner, headed to Saks. And it’s true, Justin and I have been fine, actually amazing. He went back to Tennessee for Christmas although he begged me to come with him and I came back home, but everything is working out perfectly to the way we want it to. 

My best friend stares at me a little, blankly questioning the sureness in my voice. “You know, Di, you were the one that knew the press was involved when you signed up to major in public relations, then agreed to be one of the biggest stars assistants.”

I sigh, she’s right. “But, it wasn’t me who decided to be his assistant, you know? I was pretty much begged by everyone at Jive to be his assistant. I’m the only one whose stayed longer than four months, that’s a record, did you know that?”

I pass by a newsstand and my cellphone begins to ring. 

“Diana speaking,” I answer.

“Hi babe,” the voice is almost comforting.

“Hey! How’s everything going?” 

“Good, I miss you.”

It was finally good to hear from him again, Thanksgiving had been hard in the communication department, both of us with crazy families and not nearly enough to talk. 

“I miss you more,” I say back and suddenly a headline catches my eye.

‘Pop King caught in wrong Queen’s arms’ I silently say to myself.

“Timb, I’ve got to go, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Baby, something wrong?” He inquires.

“No, no, I’ll talk to you later.” 

I pick up the magazine and pay the vendor. Quickly turning to the cover story, I read:

“No one can deny that Justin Timberlake has the music charts in the palm of his hands, but who knew the superstar also has the hearts of two women at once? 

While on Thanksgiving Holiday, Timberlake was seen chatting it up with old flame Macy Smith, while current girlfriend Diana Knight headed back home to Pittsburgh.

While friends say that Timberlake would never cheat on any of his girlfriends, these pictures would surely prove otherwise.”

I don’t have to read anymore, the tears are already slowly flowing down my face. “Come on,” I say to Cait, “I need some more retail therapy.”

I pull out my credit card and make my way into Saks. I know spending money won’t stop the nagging ache that’s paining my heart right now, but I can’t think of anything else to do, except, turn off my buzzing cellphone.

-------------------------------------------------

“Trace, dude, lets go get food. I’m starving.” I say while walking up Diana’s home steps two steps at a time.

“Yeah man, sounds good.”

We make our way out to the garage and head on out to the local convenient store. And I immediately stop dead in my tracks. This cannot be happening again, I tell myself. Only I know that’s too good to be true.

“Uh, J man, something got your tongue?” Trace inquires.

I pick up the magazines, all of them in the store and pay for them. I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.

“Come on,” I say, “we’ve got to get back to her house before she does.”

There goes my plans for the night. The perfect surprise, perfect moment, perfect gift. All of that went away with a few old pictures and a new headline to catch the eye. I knew something was wrong, I was just too stupid to think that the press would have anything to do with it.

I sit in the car, comfortably waiting to turn onto my old street. Thinking to myself that there’s nothing I want more in life right now then to pull into my driveway and get into my house and just bawl my eyes out in my old bed. That’s really all I want, nothing more. Knowing my mom though, I’ll probably have a conversation that will last until midnight about how much boys suck.

I know what makes me comfortable

And I know what makes me tick

And when I need to get my way 

I know how to pour it on thick

When I actually pull into the driveway I realize something isn’t the same. I have an awkward feeling come over me and suddenly I think that maybe coming home wasn’t the best of ideas. 

Cream and sugar in my coffee

Right away when I awake

I face the day and pray to God 

I won't make the same mistakes

All the rest is out of my hands

I turn the key into the lock and open the door. And there he is with Trace, head in his hands.

“Diana, wait.” He pleads.

“Go home, Justin. Just go.” I say walking up the stairs and the tears continue to flow down my face.

I make my way to the top of the stairs and head into my bedroom. I just want to slam the door and hope it’s loud enough to wake me up from this nightmare. I reach the old bed and collapse into sobs. Pulling the covers over my body, I attempt to ignore the knocking at my door.

“Justin, seriously, just GO!” I scream. 

“No,” he replies back. “Move over a little.”

He takes off his shoes and crawls into bed with me. I feel even more disgusted with myself and move to the edge of the bed as far away from him as I know humanly possible.

“Di, listen, it’s not what you think,” he starts.

“Really, Justin, it’s not? Because that’s the same girl I walked in on with you making out on your sofa. I really didn’t think you’d go for her again, but once again Diana’s wrong.”

“Trust me, Diana. She was just there. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her, she kept trying to make a move on me, but it really wasn’t happening.”

I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to love what I cannot change

“Sure,” I say.

“I promise. Nothing happened.” 

“Justin, you have me wrapped around your little finger and I fucking hate it. I can’t stand not being in control.” I say in between sobs, “I can’t stand the feeling I get when you tell me it’s all going to be okay, because hey, you’re always right. I used to be the one in control of my life, and today, today just proves that clearly, I’m not.”

But I will change, I will change

Whatever I, whenever I can

“You have no idea what it’s like for me, Di. I sit around every moment of the day, waiting for a phone call or a text message, just letting me know you’re still okay that you’re still happy, that you still care. Don’t you get it? You have me tied on a leash. I never wanted to be the steady boyfriend or hell more than that when I had the life I did. You have no idea how I needed to run back here as soon as I saw those magazines, how shitty I felt knowing that there was that slim chance you might see it and think something actually did happen. You made me want to change, you made me want to be better. But you’ve got to understand, I’m in the same boat you are. I’ll never hurt you, I promise.”

He moves over on the bed and pulls me into him and the tears well up in my eyes again. I suddenly realize that throughout all of this, the only thing that I can change is me. I can’t change the fact that my boyfriend happens to be every tabloids dream cover or that he has girls like Macy running around him or that through all of this, the only place he wants to be is right here with me and that, in and of itself, is good enough for me. 

Leann Rimes- What I Cannot Change

Something about a southern girl

Make me feel right

In a Mississippi morning

She's an angel in flight

In a blink of an eye

She'll be out of your sight

Something about a southern girl

-Amos Lee

His hand is softly holding onto mine, and we’re walking around the city, just looking for anything to do. 

“Come with me,” he says.

And I do. If there’s one thing in my life that I know how to do, it’s follow him. I know that with him I’m safe, and no matter what hell everyone else tries to inflict on us, I know his hand will still be holding mine, just like it is now. His fingers intertwined with mine with his thumb just gingerly caressing my hand as we go along.

We wind up in a little coffee shop, a quaint hole in the wall that is situated between numerous skyscrapers. 

“Two peppermint mochas.” He says to the cashier who looks like she’s been struck by a bolt of lightening. 

“Uh, uh okay. I’m sorry, wow.” She stutters while preparing the drinks.

“It’s quite okay,” he says back.

I lean into him and whisper nothings to him while she continues to get our drinks together. He softly kisses my forehead as he grabs the prepared drinks from the counter.

“Here,” he says while handing the teenage girl a card, “call this number if I ever do a show in town, they’ll be sure to hook you up with anything you’ll need.”

“Wow, thanks Mr. Timberlake,” she says.

“It’s Justin, and your name?” 

The girl replies, “Marie, I just have one request if you can help. Hold on one second.”

She runs to the back room and comes back with a CD, “Can you sign this?”

Justin takes out his pen and signs his name on the cover and the CD, “There ya go,” he says.

We say our goodbyes and Justin and I continue our walk around Pittsburgh.

“I haven’t seen you that nice to a fan in such a long time,” I say.

“Yeah, well you haven’t been my girlfriend for that long of a time,” he replies.

“So I have something to do with this?”

“Precisely.”

______________________

After walking around the city for hours, we finally made it back to her house where there was no one to be found. Walking in, we saw the decorated Christmas tree and the lit fireplace and decided to relax on the couch. 

“What are you thinking about, Timb?” she asks.

“You,” I simply reply while kissing her.

“I love you, Timb.”

“Love you too, Di.”

Taking out a little box, she jumps up and looks back at me.

“Wh- what’s that?” she asks.

“Just listen to me, I say.”

“Okay.”

“What do you remember from your Christmases?” I ask.

“Lots of stuff, why?”

“Anything specific? Did you ever remember not getting what you wanted so bad?” I enquire. 

“Yeah, quite a few times. But what does this have to do with us?” she says.

“Because I remember quite a few times when I didn’t get what I wanted,” I say, “And every Christmas was the same. Me wishing for something that I knew wasn't really possible. I just wanted a little bit more out of a commercialized holiday than the holiday was willing to give. I wanted love, I wanted happiness, and I wanted the guarantee that throughout everything I would encounter in my life, somebody would be there- my last wish being the craziest notion. But this year, this year things will be different. This year you're going to realize that deep down, we share the same wants, the same goals and hopefully you'll want me to be there through everything you encounter in life, too. You know, they say kids only make Christmas lists, but I think you'll soon find that if adults made them, life would just be a whole lot easier."

She smiles and begins to let tears come out of her eyes as I continue. 

“So, the only thing on my Christmas list, is you. You’re all I want, all I need. You’re the only thing that I’ll need for the rest of my life. Being able to wake up next to you in the morning is comfort enough for me to die happy. So, no, this isn’t an ‘engagement’ ring, because I’m not viewing this as an engagement, more like a lifelong promise. We can do all that fancy wedding shit when you want to, but right now I’m content just knowing you’re willing to be a part of this promise.”

She moves closer to me as I put the ring on her hand. She kisses me and all of a sudden I feel like the pieces of the puzzle that were once out of whack, now suddenly fall right into place. 

It's twisted

Messed up

And the more I think about it

It's crazy, but so what

I may never understand it

I'm caught up and I'm hanging on

I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong

Carrie Underwood- Twisted

It's quite cold out with a little bit of snow falling over the runways. We're standing at the gate, waiting for our plane going to New York to board. His arm is hanging over my shoulder and he's had this permanent smile plastered on his face since he gave me the ring. He gently leans in and whispers in my ear.

“Just you wait until we get to the hotel,” and with that he stands up straight again and remains smiling.

“Excited about something, J?” I inquire. 

He leans back in again, “Honey, you have no idea how bad I want to have you right now.”

“Oh really?” I ask and lean in, “then why don’t you just do it now?” I say while we walk down to the plane. 

“Because there wouldn’t be enough time,” he says and with that we sit down into our seats.

I pull out my Cosmopolitan magazine and he turns on his Ipod. He’s been listening to it for a while and he leans into me again and starts singing softly to me.

“Damn girl, damn girl, damn girl, damn. You got me sayin’ damn girl, you’re so fine. The way you let me put it down, girl ... blows my mind.”

“Justin,” I say, “don’t start what you can’t finish.” 

He gets up from his seat and winks at me. Leaning back down he says, “Meet me in the bathroom.”

After about two minutes I get up from my seat and head to the bathroom. He’s sitting on the sink waiting for me. It’s not like one of you’re average airplane bathrooms, there’s actually some room to move in this, it could be kind of fun, I tell myself.

He hastily shuts the door and begins assaulting me with kisses. I moan when his tongue glides over mine as he takes his hands and hoists me onto the sink. Hands still on my ass, he pulls down the sweatpants and underwear I’m wearing and gently trails his hands back up to my hips. 

Breaking the kiss, he begins to kneel down, softly chuckling to himself. He holds his palm over my mound, sitting there, just taking it all in.

“Justin,” I beg, “don’t tease me.”

With that he shoves one finger into my wetness, circling around, searching for the spot that will surely drive me insane. My hips buck to the rhythm he begins to set and I begin to pant. 

In one swift motion, he pulls out his finger and replaces it with kisses all over my clit. He begins stroking my folds again with his finger as his mouth assaults my clit. 

Pushing two fingers in, he grins knowing he’s sending me into a euphoric state. Feeling my first wave of pleasure, he gets back up and unzips his pants. Seeing his dick aroused my hands reach out and grab it, stroking it up and down, noticing pre cum at the tip.

“Damnit, baby,” he seethes. 

I lean in, my lips hovering over his ear, “God, Timb, it’s so hard.”

He moans as I continue stroking him and whispering in his ear, “I bet it would feel even better if it were in my tight, wet pussy.”

With that, he grunts and positions it at my entrance, “Tell me how you want it baby,” he says.

“Fuck me so hard, J, that I won’t be able to see straight.”

He rams into me with force and I already begin to feel my walls contracting at the massive size of it. I begin to whimper as he continues to assault my spot with each thrust. Already I can feel it building inside of me, euphoria so close I can feel it.

His lips crash onto mine as he takes his hand over mine and positions it over my clit. He forces me to rub it and I moan into his mouth. It just feels so damn good.

Pulling his member almost the whole way out, he slams back in and that’s all it takes to send me over the edge. I begin convulsing with pleasure, bouncing up and down. 

“Shit, Di,” he says and with that he coats my insides, grunting over his release.

He continues to kiss me as we hear the pilot come over the loudspeaker.

“We’re about 15 minutes away from landing and we ask that all passengers go back to their seats and prepare for landing. We hope you enjoyed your travel and we hope you choose US Airways again sometime soon.”

And with that we put our clothes back on, planning each other’s exit from the bathroom. He leaves first, grinning like a cheshire cat as he walks out and it hits me, enjoyed doesn’t even begin to describe it...

She thinks I can’t see the smile that she’s fakin’

Poses for pictures that aren’t being taken.

I loved you

grey sweat pants

No make up

So perfect

Our love was comfortable and so broken in.

John Mayer- Comfortable

New York has been and will always be an elusive city. An indescribable place where mayhem and pleasure mix into one big jumbled mess that is Times Square. New York is even worse at this time of year. Hundreds of thousands of people are huddled in the center of it all, waiting for the last 10 seconds of the year that will bring us all to a new point in our lives, something we’ve all been waiting for, or so it seems.

I’ve been busy all day, rushing around hotel rooms, making final touches on arrangements that have been set in stone for months. He’s set to perform tonight in what’s sure to be the last show for a while. Everything about it is brilliant, from the set, to the songs, to the dances, it all just meshes perfectly. 

The world won’t be seeing Justin Timberlake on stage for a while, and tonight of course will make millions of girl’s fantasies come alive again- mine being one of them, I suppose, one last time.

The plane ride, was, well, amazing and so was the stint at the hotel room after that. But from the moment we ate breakfast the next morning it’s been nonstop preparation for this show tonight. He’s got to nail it, or it’s my ass on the line.

I should admit, I suggested he end with a performance on New Years, show everyone how ready he was done after the New Year for a while, give him a chance to prove that 2007 was his year and now he was ready to give it up to somebody else and maybe give us a chance to have an actual relationship without interruptions. But he’s still out of his mind nervous. Trace has him thinking that maybe he should focus more on William Rast in 2008 and Justin’s afraid that he’ll just get bored and head back to the studio again.

That’s the problem when you’ve been in this business for so long, you work so hard for so many days in a row that it starts to feel natural and when you finally have the chance for some down time, it escapes you because you feel you’re wasting your time. 

But none the less, we’re here, in the middle of Times Square, with 10 minutes left on the clock and he’s starting the opening lines of “My Love.” I’m standing behind the stage, making sure everything goes off without a hitch, and then I see her. 

Standing with her friends, dancing to the songs and singing along with him. I can tell he’s noticed her by the way he’s tensed up and started looking around the stage for me. I make eye contact and suddenly I feel like my world’s spinning out of control.

He ends the song perfectly planned with one minute left on the countdown. He brings me up on stage and we countdown with the rest of the world in anticipation for 2008. 

“TEN”

She rushses up to the stage, friends in toe, and reaches out for him.

“NINE”

“Justin,” she says, “we need to talk.”

“EIGHT”

“What could you possibly want, Jess?”

“SEVEN”

I begin to worry about what could possibly come out of her mouth, I hold his hand tighter for reassurance that he still knows I’m here.

“SIX”

“I still love you, J, I miss you.”

“FIVE”

His hand falls from mine and his face describes his feelings of complete shock.

“FOUR”

“Why? You left me, I’m happy now, Jess.”

“THREE”

“Sure you are, Justin. You know I’m better than she’ll ever be.”

“TWO”

I walk away from the two in tears, grasping onto the railing for support as I feel my body collapsing under me. Trace comes over to me with the knowing look on his face.

“ONE”

“How, Trace?” I sob, “Why is she back? Couldn’t she have just stayed away long enough for us to be happy?”

“HAPPY NEW YEAR”

As I turn from the steps, I see the once ex girlfriend forcefully pull his face down onto hers, lips crashing as cameras flash and all I can do is muster up the strength to ride the elevator down to the room and lock myself in the bathroom.

My phone begins to play the first chords of “Another Song,” answering it, I say the only words that will form.

“Happy fucking New Year, Justin.”

Chucking the phone against the wall, the handset shatters on impact and falls to the floor like my heart. I can hear the door opening and closing and his hands banging against the bathroom door, pleading with me to open the door. He relents, sliding down, crying.

My body, to weak to move, too sick to look him in the face, pulls down the towels hanging over the shower and I form a pillow and a makeshift bed for the night. Taking the ring, I slide it under the door, where he picks it up and begins crying harder, begging me to come out and talk about it. My sobs continue and I eventually drift off into a dreamless state.

I said I just miss you right now

One eye one the clock 

And one on the phone 

It's 5:19.... 

I'm feeling alone 

If I could talk to you 

I'd want you to know 

I'm holding loose 

Ain't letting go 

Baby, take all the time you need 

I just want you to know 

I'll be here, waiting 

Matt Wertz- 5:19

She’s been in there for hours and it seems like eternity. I didn’t get any sleep last night, I just kept clinging onto the door for dear life. I need her, so bad. I need to make sure she’s okay, that she’s not gonna get up and leave me here because honestly, if that’s the case, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. I’ll probably stay here, in this same spot on the floor and wallow for days.

I can hear faint moving and the door unlocking, I hopefully look up, only feeling shittier than I did before. She looks horrible, her makeup has run down all over her face, her eyes are blood shot and it looks like she’s been tearing at her dress for sometime. The blackberry, or what’s left of it, is up against the door and I’m sitting there looking at her like a lost puppy.

She pulls out her suitcase and begins to throw things in it as I stand up to watch her movements. Taking off her shoes, I attempt to hug her and she pushes me away.

“Don’t you fucking touch me,” she seethes. 

She continues to pack and finally pulls the zipper shut on the suitcase. Taking the jeans and t-shirt she’s left out for herself she walks into the bathroom and changes, leaving the dress thrown on the floor. Pulling her hair up, she grabs her baseball hat and pulls it over her head. Picking up the bag she motions towards the door, where I currently stand.

“Diana, don’t do this. Don’t walk out on me,” I beg.

Looking up at me with eyes full of hurt she says, “Maybe you should’ve thought about that, Justin. I’ve got to get out of here, it’s making me sick to my stomach.”

She walks past me and into the hallway where she meets up with Trace and a bodyguard. 

“From this point, until I decide a better time, your assistant is Rachel. She’s already agreed to it and I don’t really have the effort it takes to continue on with my job.”

“Trace, where are you going?” I ask.

“Dude, you’ve been my best friend for a long ass time now. But this, this is just wrong. You had to of known what could’ve happened when she showed up at a party. I told you it would end badly, you didn’t listen to me.”

“Wh- what are you talking about, Trace?” she questions, looking down at her shoes again.

“Go ahead, Justin, tell her.” And at that exact moment, I know I’m fucked. I know that the slight peace offering I had extended to Jessica is coming back and biting me in the ass. 

“I, I, listen Di, it wasn’t meant to happen like this. She called asking for tickets and, and... God, I’m an asshole.”

Shaking her head and wiping away the tears that have built up on her face, she looks at me one last time.

“Goodbye, Justin. Don’t bother calling, don’t bother coming to see me, just don’t bother.”

Walking away with Trace and Tiny, she heads to the elevator, I scream out.

“I love you,” I say.

“That’s not enough,” she replies.

And with that, the love of my life and my best friend have left me all alone in a city filled with people pushing forward, looking for a happier new year and all I want to do is rewind time. 

______________________________________________________________________

Walking away from him was one of the hardest tasks of the day, the second hardest was the challenge of making it past the photographers that have been huddled in front of the hotel all night. 

“Diana, what happened?”

“Did you know Jessica was coming to the party?”

“How are you feeling?”

“Did you and Justin break up?”

“Where’s your ring?”

“Guys, come on, move it,” Tiny says. Opening the door to the Escalade, I get in the back and pull out my Ipod. Trace closes the door and puts his hand over my shoulder, letting me know he’s there.

The sad thing is, every song that’s been played on the shuffle keeps reminding me of him. Some of them transport me back to the exact moment of when they kissed and I keep getting the same feeling in my heart, I can even hear the cracking sound as it breaks more and more each time. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes again and the only thing I can do is let them out.

Pulling out my headphones, I look at Trace who seems to understand how big of a dick his best friend is.

“Do you want me to get your stuff from his house? Cause I can if you need me to. But where are you going to stay?”

“I’m going to see if I can get an apartment for the time being,”

Holding up his hand to stop me, “That’s ludicrous, just take my old place, it’s practically empty except for the furniture.”

“Thanks,” I say, “you really don’t have to, though.”

“It’s the least I can do,” he replies.

The car pulls up to the tarmac and I suddenly feel nauseous again. I walk up to the stairs of the plane that was supposed to take him and I back home to Los Angeles and head to the couch hoping for some sort of solitude.

As the plane takes off, I look back down at the city that in four days has turned my world upside down and the realization hits me.

“Trace,” I say. Looking up he allows me to continue, “Don’t ever let me come to New York again.”

“Deal, Di, deal.”

It's like I hardly know you

But maybe I never did

It's like every emotion you showed me

You kept well hid

And every true word that you ever spoke

Was really deceiving

Now I'm leaving this time

Cause this is my last goodbye

James Morrison- Last Goodbye

I know, I’m an asshole. I realized that after the first time she looked at me, then the second time when I tried to reach out to her and the third when she looked back at me from the elevator basically showing me that any hopes I had of bringing her back to the hotel room were totally unlikely and preposterous. I just hope she doesn’t realize the full extent of what’s happened.

Flying back, however, was a million times worse. I had diligently tried to get in touch with Trace or anyone that could get me to her and every phone was left unanswered, every text never returned. Upon landing, I sped all the way home, only to find her things gone from the house and she had obviously boxed up my heart and taken that as well.

Trying one last time to find Trace, I headed to his old apartment. Knocking on the door, I was greeted with a familiar face, hair done up in pigtails with Abercrombie sweats on and a college t-shirt.

“What are you doing here?” She questioned coldy.

Looking up, I could still see the hurt apparent in her face from days before. She still looked sleep deprived, though not as bad as she did that horrible night. 

“I uh,” rubbing my hands over my head in a nervous, awkward state, “I was uh, looking for Trace.”

“Trace!” she bellowed through the apartment, “you have company.”

“Look, Di, is there anyway, we could like, talk?” Smooth Timberlake, I’m sure that’s exactly what she wanted to hear.

“No, I’m busy. And i don’t think that now would be the best time, I’ve got to be ready to get to the office,” walking away from the door, she leaves it open for me to come in.

Trace makes is way down the hallway, still with the same disapproving look on his face as he did at the airport.

“Can you explain what the hell is going on?” I question, noticing the boxes across the floor.

“Yeah,” he starts, “I can. You see, she doesn’t want to be around somebody stupid enough to bring their ex girlfriend into a relationship that she was infatuated with. A relationship she had given her all to, only to have somebody give her heartbreak on the biggest day of the year. So, being a good friend, I lent her my apartment, seeing how she won’t be living in your house for a while, and this place is empty.”

“So you’re letting her live here instead of letting her try and work it out at home?” I question.

“The chances of you two working it out in the same house are a fat chance in hell. Your odds are a hell of a lot better if you just give her some time and some space.” He says.

“Yeah, sure. So are you coming back to the house tonight?” I ask.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll be over later.”

________________________________________________________________

Seeing him again so soon tore at me like a thousand knives. I stood in the shower and just cried but I had a job that I had to tend to, things had to be done. When I finally arrived at Jive’s offices, I knew I was in for something big.

“Hi Sam, is he free?” I ask the secretary.

Nodding, she lets me into Clive’s office where I uncomfortably take a seat. 

“Diana, how are you holding up sweetie?” He asks.

“Best as can be expected, Clive. I guess.” I respond.

“Well, we’ve got some business to attend to. It’s not all gonna be pretty, but I’ll do my best to get you out of here as fast as I can.”

Five minutes into the conversation, I notice where this is headed.

“You know how important Justin’s career is to this company, and the breakup, although terribly sad for you, is terribly good news for his public persona. So, this might not seem like the easiest thing to ask of you, but, we’re going to take you off of Justin’s service, actually, we’re going to pretty much put you on a paid probation from Jive.” 

“What?” I stammer, “This can’t be happening.”

“You’ll be paid your salary without doing anything for Justin for a while. The goal is to not be seen with him. Hang out with his friends if you want, but we’re trying to milk this album for all it’s worth. I hope you understand that this is in your best interest and the best interest of the company.”

“Quite frankly, Clive, I don’t understand any of it, but if this is what the company truly needs, than I hope at some point in time that I benefit from this. Thanks for your time, I’ll see you later.”

Stopping in my tracks mid way through the office, I turn around. 

“Clive?” I question.

“Yes Diana?”

“How much is Jessica benefitting from this?”

“I can’t answer that Diana. Business is business, you know that. You should try talking to Justin, though, he’s just as big a part of this as you are. Just don’t make it known that you’re around him in any way.”

I barely make it back to my car until I start to bawl my eyes out again. I knew money was behind this somehow I just didn’t realize that after all these years, the hardest working middle man would be the first one screwed over.

Got somebody here but I want you

Cause the feelin ain't the same find myself

Callin' her your name

Ladies tell me do you understand?

Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?

It's the way I feel

I know I made a mistake

Now it's too late

I know she ain't comin back

What I gotta do now

To get my shorty back

Usher- Let it Burn

I never wanted anything more than to be happy in life. Never asked for all that much and when I finally had it all with him, something utterly ridiculous comes up and slaps us in the face. A month later, he seems happy, seems to be getting along just fine... with Jessica. 

Yes, Jessica the heartbreaker, Jessica the girl who tore him to shreds, all one in the same. They’re everywhere together and nowhere near me. After spending so long in Trace’s apartment, I decided it was time to take myself on a mini vacation, in an undisclosed location.

The great thing is, nobody knows I’m here, the bad thing is, all I’ve ever wanted was to be around somebody else. Every day I just hit a lounge chair and pull out a book or a magazine. Today, it’s a tabloid and they’re on the cover. 

It’s already February and all I can think about is the impending Valentine’s day. Not that I’m surprised that I’m alone, I should’ve known better. I’ve never had a boyfriend for Valentine’s. I thought this year would be different. I thought for the first time in a long time that I was finally secure and happy at the same time. The thoughts scared the hell out of me, and now look at where it’s gotten me.

She’s looking at him with that awesome smile and he’s looking back at her, the same look he used to give me. The headline reads “Back in love.” And I can’t help but want to flip to the story and read on.

Friends say that the once wrecked relationship is back on between Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. 

“Ever since New Year’s and her proclamation of love, Justin can’t keep his hands off of Jessica,” says a source.

Apparently Timberlake has long forgotten his past love, Diana Knight, who hasn’t been seen since her New York departure, sans her five carat “promise” ring.

Are things really back on for good? 

“Most definitely,” says a close friend of Justin’s. 

And the slump that I’ve slowly started to emerge from collapses from underneath me. I know Jive’s behind this, but it doesn’t stop the hurt any less. He stopped calling when he realized that I wasn’t picking up the five calls a day, but what I wouldn’t give to see my phone ring once. 

Trace calls every once in a while, always begging to know where I’m at so he can come and visit and although I would love the company, I need this time to myself. Plus, I’ll be back home soon. My probation with Jive ends in a week and apparently they’re giving me a new job. I’m secretly excited because having the chance to go back to work gives me the opportunity to have a purpose in this world other than moping around all day and worrying about him. 

I can’t help but feel that this is slightly my fault, but then my mind jumps back into reality and tells me that money is behind this. Justin’s always been good about publicity stunts, but this, this is ridiculous. Jive must’ve given him an ultimatum or something, that’s all I can think of. It sucks though, I mean, why would I want to go back to a company that was set on destroying my relationship from the start?

____________________________________________________________________

“Jess,” I plead, “get off of me.”

Pushing her off of my lap, I stroll into my kitchen, only to hit the picture of two smiling faces that not long ago were happy as can be. I silently want to kill myself, or just rewind time to the exact moment I could’ve pushed Jess off of me at New Year’s and went back to my girl.

Jive’s claiming that if I don’t go along with my relationship with Jess to make the press happy, then they’ll fire Di and that’s the last thing I want. Apparently her dating me was going against the “assistant contract” that says she is not allowed to have relationships with anybody she works for.

It just doesn’t make sense to me though, like if that were the case, why didn’t they stop us in the very beginning? Why didn’t they stop us before I bought her a ring? They could’ve taken her off of my tour and things probably wouldn’t have escalated so fast into love the way they did. 

That’s hindsight though, I guess. It just sucks without her. Jess is totally not like Di. Diana could walk around without make up on and not care. She had that carefree aura about her that just made you want to be around her. Jess, for the most part, is cold and cocky. They don’t have the same laugh either. Everytime Jess cracks up at something that isn’t remotely funny, I secretly want to gag myself. Diana could’ve laughed at silence and I would’ve laughed with her. 

Trace says that everything will work itself out and I can only hope that’s the case. I can’t take one more day of this bullshit. I don’t care if she gets fired, I don’t care if they don’t want me anymore. I’ll start my own fucking business. I hate not knowing where she is or how she’s doing. I need her to be okay, I need her to want me back. Because if she doesn’t, I really don’t see a point in living life anymore. 

But something happened

for the very first time with you

My heart melts into the ground

Found something true

And everyone’s looking round

Thinkin’ I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say

I’m in love with you

They try to pull me away

But they don’t know the truth

I was dressed to impress that morning. I had bought a new suit from Express and had on the cutest camisole underneath it. I was looking like a new person, a person that after everything she went through in the past couple of months was ready to get back to her career and start again. I was dressed, I was ready, but I couldn’t seem to convey that message to my heart.

It started out simple enough, walking back into Jive until I hit the conference room. I had expected a well known artist, I had expected something that would keep me busy and away from him. But fate wasn’t holding my cards all that well.

He was there with Trace and some girl that didn’t look familiar at all. I was told to sit down by Clive and I did so but only to feel his eyes on me even more. Throughout the first awkward moments of silence, I felt myself burning on my face under his looks. I couldn’t hide the fact that there was something still there for him after all of this.

“So as you see, Diana. Esmee is a part of Justin’s Tennman Records and he has requested that you be representing her as her publicist...”

Trying hard not to hear,

but they talk so loud

“This of course comes to Jive as very sad news as we will be letting you go and you will be fully employed by Justin and Trace...”

Their piercing sounds fill my ears

Try to fill me with doubt

“This also means that any previous instructions you’ve had concerning your contact with Justin are null in void.”

Yet I know that the goal

Is to keep me from falling

“Now, Diana, if you’ll just sign your release forms, we’ll be happy to give you your last paycheck.”

Clive walks out of the room to leave me there to sign the papers. Searching for words throughout my brain I finally have enough nerve to speak up.

“What in the hell is going on here, Justin?” I stammer.

But nothing’s greater

Than the risk that comes with your embrace

“Trace, Esmee, can you guys give us a minute.” He pleads.

Getting up, Trace gives me a convincing smile and Esmee shakes my hand explaining how excited she is that I’ll be helping her. And it returns, the deafening silence.

“What is this, Justin?” I ask again, “Because I sure as hell do not understand what is going on here.”

With his head in his hands he pleads, “Just be quiet a minute, Diana, I’m trying to figure out how to say this to you.”

And I stay there, sitting, waiting for his response and he finally lifts his face up and I’m met with the same eyes that I fell in love with. 

And in this world of loneliness

I see your face

“That night was the biggest mistake of my life. That night I wanted nothing more than to slap her across the face and run to you. I would give my whole life to rewind back to that night and have a second chance, but I can’t so I’m not even going to try. I was wrong for inviting her to come, I know that, I know I fucked up big time. But I never thought it would turn out the way it did. I didn’t think Jive would force us back into a relationship after everything she put me through when they knew damn well that I’m still in love with you. I was pissed, frustrated, but I couldn’t do anything because they threatened to fire you and black ball you so that nobody would want you.”

Taking a breath, he gets up from his chair across from me and walks to where I’m sitting. I can already feel the ice around my heart slowly starting to melt. 

Yet everyone around me

Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

“But then it hit me when I recorded with Esmee. I wasn’t going to let Jive take credit for something I discovered so I did the only thing I could think of, I started my own label. Jess of course was dead set against it, but I told her to go fuck herself and leave me alone because I knew you’d be supportive. Then I realized somebody was going to have to handle her PR stuff and I knew exactly who would be perfect for the job.”

“This girl was going to have to be perfect. Smart, funny, charming, somebody that the press would just eat up when she said “no comment.” This girl was going to have to be everyone’s sweetheart and the nicest person to be around because Esmee was going to be the next big thing. But she couldn’t be a pushover, she had to stand her ground,” he said.

Looking up again at him I saw the smile that had begun to form on his face and I start to realize that no matter what’s gone wrong, I still love him. 

But I don’t care what they say

I’m in love with you

“She was going to have to be forgiving but I knew just the girl who was qualified for that job.”

“And who would that be,” I question.

“The girl standing right in front of me. The woman that through all of the hell I’ve put her through still stands tall and strong. The woman that a year ago I fell in love with. The woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with, regardless of what the press or a record company thinks. Because, at the end of the day, I could lose every last fucking cent and if I had you, I would still be okay. And if there was anything I could do to make it up to this woman, I would because I want her to want to spend the rest of her life with this man.”

They try to pull me away

But they don’t know the truth

“Look at me, Diana,” he pleads.

And through my tears, I see him again. I see him for what he really is. I see the man that I could never stop loving. 

“And what does this woman have to do to get the job?” I ask.

My heart’s crippled by the vein 

That I keep on closing

“She’s got to be off the market.” He states.

With that, he pulls out a pen with the ring that used to occupy my finger around it.  Pulling it off the pen, I put it back onto my ring finger.

You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding

“So should I even ask you to marry me?” He questions.

“I think you already know the answer,” I reply. 

Keep, keep bleeding love

I keep bleeding 

I keep, keep bleeding love

Leona Lewis- Keep Bleeding Love 

“Flowers?” I enquire over the cellular phone that has sealed itself to my ear.

“Of course, Mrs. Timberlake,” responds Carson, the newest member of my PR team. 

I sigh, “Carson, how many times do I have to tell you?”

“Ok, Di-an-a. Is there anything else that needs done before the show tonight?” 

“Not that I know of,” I respond. 

“Alright, well I’ll talk to you later, best of luck to you.” 

“Thanks,” I responded, “I’ll need it.”

Hanging up the phone, I get up from the kitchen table and manage to make my way into the family room where my husband has decided to take one of the very few moments he has in the day and rest. I try my best not to disturb the sleeping figure as I make my way to the couch, attempting to sit next to him. Justin shifts, accommodating the new figure that lays a top his lap.

He inhales deeply, yawns and smiles at me. “I’m excited,” he says.

“There’s nothing to be excited about yet, baby,” I respond.

I shift back up and his arm moves in a fluid motion to lay itself atop my shoulder. His face shows nothing but anticipation and excitement for what is soon to come. We’ve waited years since sitting in the office on that fateful day that made everything turn around. I’ll admit, we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs and there was even a chance that I wasn’t going to walk down the aisle but the way he smiles at me when he knows I need reassurance, or the way his laugh just makes me want to laugh and even just the fact that I know my best friend will always be there until my dying day makes this crazy mess all worth while.

He leans in as if there are a ton of people in the empty room and whispers softly, “I love you, Diana Timberlake.” I lean in to kiss him but my body’s reaction suddenly stops me and causes me to look bewildered and frightened.

“What baby?” he enquires. “Something happen?”

“I’m ready. We’re ready.”

With that, he grabs the luggage that’s been waiting at the door for the past couple of weeks,‘just in case’ something were to happen. He twirls his fingers around on the key table, looking for the ‘safe car’ that he purchased to make sure we’d be safe and prepared should the moment ever come to be.

Grabbing my hand, leading me out to the car, he looks back at me grinning from ear to ear. He opens the car door for me, throws the luggage in the back seat and immediately we’re on our way to the hospital.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He enquires as we head into the room he had set aside. 

“It. Just. Hurts.” And with that, I scream out in pain as another contraction comes over me. The only thing I want at this point, is an epidural. Pulling on his shirt, “get me that fucking pain medication, Justin.”

“Baby, hold on, just breathe. They’re coming with it, I promise.”

The doctor arrives with a pleasant look on her face. “Well, Mrs. Timberlake, are you ready to have this baby?”

I scream out in pain again, and attempt to nod my head. 

“Just a couple of more minutes and we should be ready to go,” she says while leaving the room, preparing for the baby that is about to arrive.

“If it’s a boy?” Justin asks.

 “Cole, and if it’s a girl?” I inquire back.

“Ugh, you know I don’t want my daughter to be called Tracy.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of something else.”

“And what’s that?” I sigh heavily as the doctor comes back in.

“Lets have this baby, Diana.”

With that, it seems like the whole world aligns at that point and everything is the way it should be. My husbands hand grasping onto mine, kissing my forehead as I continue to give my all. The first signs of life causes me to cry as the little girl’s cry echos throughout the room.

Well, she was precious like a flower

The doctor hands my baby to me and I look up to see Justin with tears in his eyes. I look into the little girl’s sparkling blue eyes and gently put my finger on her dimples that accentuate her cheeks. Slowly, Justin sits on the bed, and I hand her to him.

“You know,” he says to her, “I already know you’re the most perfect thing in the world. I know you’ll never disappoint me and I’ll never disappoint you. I know that at some point you’re going to get hurt but you’re a Timberlake and you’re going to get back up. I know you’re going to be as gorgeous as your mom is and you’ll have the biggest heart. You’re not even an hour old, and you’ve already changed my life in more ways than you could ever imagine.”

She grew wild, wild but innocent

Tears flow freely down my face as I look at the interaction between father and daughter. 

“Justin,” I say, “What about Harmony?”

“And her middle name?” He asks.

“Grace.” 

A perfect prayer in a desperate hour

“It’s perfect,” he says looking down at her again, “Harmony Grace Timberlake. It’s absolutely perfect.”

And it’s at that point that I realize all I need to do is freeze time and stop things from changing. Because right here, right now, my life has finally aligned into a sense of perfection. All of the drama, the chaos, the sleepless nights that I suffered, all of it was worth it to see the look on my daughter’s face. A being that through everything was created because of a love between two people that no matter what, would bend but not break, falter but not be destroyed. That alone has made me the happiest person in the world.

She was everything beautiful and different

Keith Urban- Stupid Boy