August 6th, Memphis International Airport

“Thank you for flying on Northwest Airlines, see you next trip!�

I give the stewardess a close-lipped smile as I make my way off the aircraft. I turn on my cell phone as I walk by various eateries, souvenir, and magazine shops, my stomach growling instantly. It’s 9:30 in the morning Memphis time and I figure I should make a stop before I pass out since I haven’t eaten anything since last night. Yeah, I could have afforded to grab something from LAX, but I was trying to get out of L.A. faster than a bat out of hell.

Even though she volunteered to give me a ride to the airport, I was the bat and my mom was that hell. Between her nagging me for miniscule things like I’m her husband, and my short temper, we both felt that this vacation was truly needed. I know that she’s still upset about me deciding to take a leave of absence so early in my college career, but after 12 years at a academically vigorous private school, it was no surprise that little brain cells I had left didn’t last long. So since we can’t agree to disagree about my future, she’s sending me to the one person that can “talk some sense into me�—her words. I’m surprised that I don’t have 124832923597592334314 voicemails from her seeing if I had gotten here safely. I guess I should call.

“Hello,� a groggy voice greets me.

“I just landed mom.�

“Well hello to you too child of mine.�

I roll my eyes. “I was just calling to let you know that I got here safely, okay?�

“Did you call Ava yet?� It was only a matter of time before she brought up her “golden� child.

“No, I haven’t. She’s probably still asleep.�

“Well how is she supposed to know that you’re there? Are you just going venture around Memphis not knowing where the hell you’re going?� She exclaims. See why I left?

“I’ll call her as soon as I hang up with you mom,� I reply while trying to keep my temper in check.

“Go on ahead and do that. Just call me when you meet up with her. And Selah?� She stops to sigh.

“Yeah ma?�

“I’m glad you made it there okay.�

I wait a few breaths before replying. “Bye mom.�

I hang up my cell and make my way into Starbucks. Ordering a Grande Carmel Macchiato and a slice of Lemon Loaf, I sit down and make that call to Ava—my older sister. Remember me calling Ava the “golden� child? Well it wasn’t always that way; in fact it didn’t start being that way until I told mom that I wasn’t going back U. C. Berkeley.

Before it was always, “You gotta do well in school or else you’ll end up like your sister� or “Think before you act, otherwise you’ll end up like that sister of yours.� That was before Ava started making money and starting touring with the big names like she is now. Now I’m the black sheep of the family since Ava’s “empty� dreams of becoming a professional dancer have finally paid off. But I blame that on my mother, not my sister, who has been nothing but supportive since I made my decision.

Ava was the first person I broke the news to and while I noted the disappointment in her voice, when she told me that she understood and had my back, I believed her. I was one of the few people who believed in her pipe dream of making it out of the streets of L.A. in order dance and travel around the world.

“Can’t you see it ‘La? Me dancing alongside J. Lo, Janet…Justin…� she would giggle like a schoolgirl. I would giggle right along with her hoping that one day, I would get to see my sister’s dream come true.

It feels like forever before she finally picks up.

“This better be good.�

“Get ya ass up and come pick me up from the airport,� I reply with laughter in my voice.

“ ‘La? You’re here? What time is it?�

“Time for you to come pick up your baby sis…or at least send a limo for me.�

“Girl please, I may be dancing for Mr. SexyBack, but don’t start thinking that I got it like that,� she laughs.

“Well damn, I guess I’ll be hailing then cab, huh? What hotel are you at?�

“The Marriott downtown, room 231.�

“Alright blood, I’ll see you in a bit.�

“I thought you just left L.A.,� she chuckles.

“Girl, don’t have me rolling up in there throwing up my set.�

I hear her laugh heartily at my attempt to be a thug. “Just hurry up and get here okay?�

“See you in a flash!�

“Bye ‘La.�

My drink is ready for me to pick up at the counter as soon as I end my call and I begin to head toward baggage claim. I smile at the thought of getting to see my sister, especially while she’s in her element. Who would have thought that by 7:30 tonight, she would be kicking off the second leg of a tour by dancing alongside one of the artists we used to talk about before we went to sleep at night. For the last seven months, my sister has been a dancer for Justin Timberlake on his FutureSex/LoveShow tour.

Looks like I lived to see the day after all.

250 North Main Street

My cab pulls up in front of the hotel as I eagerly exit the vehicle. The cab driver helps me with my bags and I pay him before walking inside. I know that Ava told me what room she was in, but I don’t need hotel security dragging me out of here just because I didn’t check in at the front desk. Making my way over there, the receptionist greets me with a large smile.

“Hello ma’am, how may I help you today?� She beams in her southern twang.

“Hi, I here to see Ava Bernstine in room 231.�

“Oh okay, just head over toward those elevators and get off at the second floor.�

“Thank you.�

I follow her directions and get on the elevator when suddenly; a large hand comes barreling its way through the closing doors, scaring the hell out of me. Still clutching my chest, the stranger makes his way on. He chuckles at my startled face.

“Startled you did I?�

“Yeah, just a bit,� I laugh lightly.

“Sorry about that, it’s just that these elevators take forever and I know it sounds lazy but, I do not feel like taking the stairs.�

“No need to defend yourself, you’re preaching to the choir right here.�

He flashes me a mouthful of pearly whites in response. I must admit that he’s kind of cute—okay, really cute. I can tell that he rocks a buzz cut underneath his ball cap and he has a pair of pretty blue eyes to go along with that smile. He’s about my height, maybe an inch or two taller and I’m guessing that he’s in his early to mid-20s, judging from the stubble that lightly adorns his face. Dressed in a hoodie and some sweatpants, I figured he was coming back from breakfast and heading back to his room. Ironically enough, he got off on the same floor as me and was starting to walk the same direction.

“So where you coming from?� He interrupted the silence.

“L.A. I’m here to visit my sister. You?�

“Oh, I’m here on tour. I’m actually from Nashville, well a suburb of it I mean.�

“That’s cool, I guess you’re happy to be home huh?�

“Definitely. So…you got a name or something?� He asks stopping in front of what I assume is his room.

“Selah,� I reply, reaching out to shake his hand.

“Selah…that’s a beautiful name,� he voices to me lowly.

“Thanks. So, do you got a name or something?� I mimic him.

He laughs. “Yeah, it’s—“

“Nick?! What are you doing out here trying to mack on my baby sister?� I didn’t even hear her room door open before Nick and I were so rudely interrupted. Leave it to Ava to be cock block.

“Ava!� I shout out in embarrassment.

“Whoa A, I didn’t even know who she was, I just met her on the elevator,� Nick explains, holding his hands up in mock surrender.

“Well since ya’ll was out here getting acquainted, let me do the honors. Selah, Nick; Nick, Selah. She’s 19 and I don’t care if that makes her legal, but I do know that if I catch you or any of the other guys trying to spit some game at her, I will make sure that ya’ll never dance again,� my sister says in basically one breath. Dragging me and my bags inside, I mouth a sorry to Nick as Ava slams the door in his face.

“What the hell was that about A?!� I exclaim. “You didn’t have to be rude or slam the door in his face.�

“Oh hush, you were about two minutes away from getting fucked. I love Nick, but I know Nick and he was thisclose to inviting you into his room for a morning romp. You’re lucky I came out when I did.�

“Well I can’t help it if he wanted to put his milk in my coffee,� I crack at her playfully. She gives me the look of death before she busts out laughing, causing the both of us to break out into the giggles. We fall back onto her bed as our laughter subsides.

“You, little one are a hot mess.�

“Yeah, yeah…but you love me.�

“How was your flight?�

“It was fine, I got out of here A.S.A.P.�

“Mom still on your ass?�

“That and taking all her other frustrations out on me. You have no idea how happy I am to be here with you.�

“ ‘La, I gotta be real with you. I mean I don’t want you to be in a place where you’re not happy, but think about mama. She’s still in that box that you guys call home all because she was saving up to get you into school. I mean I know I didn’t exactly follow through when I was in college, but still. You were supposed to do better than me.�

“Ava, you’re dancing for one of the biggest artists in the world. Remember your dream? Traveling the world through dance? Well you’re living it so I don’t see how me going to some institution is doing better than you!� I get up off the bed and start to pace the room in a frustrated manner.

I think I’m so upset because I know she’s right, but what about what I think? What about my dreams? I guess I’ve been so focused on at least one of us getting out of L.A. that I totally forgot about myself…or the fact that secretly, my dreams mirror Ava’s.

“Okay, okay Selah, calm down. I was just asking you to see it from mom’s point of view. But if you don’t want to go to school, what do you want to do?�

I sigh, getting ready to answer her question when there is a knock on the door.

“Hold that thought,� Ava says as she heads toward the door.

She opens it and two women step inside, a straight-haired blonde and a brunette with a cute, cropped, coif.

“What’s up ya’ll?� My sister says to them.

“Hey girl, we were just coming by to see if you were awake. You know we have to be down at the arena at 11:30,� the brunette replies.

“Yeah, I’ve been up for a while, thanks to her. I need to get ready though.�

“Who is she?� The blonde enquires.

“Since my sister seems to have forgotten her manners, I guess I’ll have to introduce myself,� I say, receiving another death stare from Ava. “Hi I’m Selah, Ava’s sister.�

“Oh my god A!� The brunette exclaims excitedly. “This is ‘La? The one you’ve been talking about?� My sister nods yes in response.

“Aww, you’re so pretty,� the blonde says to me. “And here Ava had us thinking you were really young, we didn’t know you were legal and stuff.�

I turn and look at my sister for an explanation.

“What? Look after what happened this morning; you should understand why I didn’t tell anyone your age. Meet Michele,� she says pointing to the brunette, “and Nancy,� pointing to the blonde. The three us exchange handshakes while my sister goes into the bathroom to get ready for what I assume is rehearsal for tonight’s show. While waiting, the three of us make ourselves comfortable on the bed. I never would have thought Michele or Nancy would be anywhere close to 30. They’re so cool and remind me a lot of my girlfriends at home, especially when Michele asks me:

“So what happened this morning?�

I can tell that this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.
**************************************************
FedEx Forum

It’s 11:30 on the dot as Ava, Nancy, Michele and I walk into the arena. It’s probably not as big as the Staples Center, but I feel like an ant among all these rows of seats. Stage management and other set workers are clearing out, probably so that Ava and the rest of the dancers, the band, and the superstar himself can do a run-through of the show. As we get closer to the stage, I spot Nick out of the corner of my eye, as well as three other guys. The girls and I make our way over to the group—Nick giving me a shy smile—and exchange hellos.

“Alright ‘La, keep your hands and your eyes to yourself,� my sister warns me. “Fellas, this is my baby sister Selah. ‘La, this is Sky, Eddie, and our choreographer, Marty…and well, you know Nick,� she deadpans causing Nancy and Michele to laugh.

If I thought Nick was fine, where in the world did these other three come from? Sky is what I like to call an “Asian Sensation,� while Eddie is a Puerto Rican cutie with braids. I’m not too sure what Marty’s make up is, but all I know is that he had me at “Hello.� I realize that the guys are just as cool as Nancy and Michele and I still haven’t met all of the dancers Ava tells me.

“Yeah, you still have to meet Dana and Tammy,� Michele says.

Well if they’re as nice as everyone else, the more the merrier. I go to ask my sister about tonight’s concert, when the feedback from a mic almost bursts everyone’s eardrums. Covering our ears, we instinctively look toward the sound stage at the back of the area.

“Sorry,� an embarrassed male voice echoes through a microphone. I know that voice anywhere, especially because I’ve been listening to it since I was nine years old. My heart is racing as I slowly turn toward the stage and see him standing there, blinding us with his famous mega-watt smile.

You know how people say that a picture doesn’t do a person justice? Now I understand why. He is gorgeous—even in a white t-shirt and sweatpants—with his hypnotizing blues, that I swear just gazed at me for a few seconds.

“Selah, are you drooling?� My sister asks me.

Yeah, the superstar has just arrived.

You know the funny thing is that I only recently started getting into Justin and his music, some of which I blame on my sister. Although we’re from the “hood,� I was one of the few black girls that were into the pop scene. Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC posters adorned my room while Britney or Christina bumped in the boom box. Even though I was a Backstreet girl, I was a “closet� *NSYNC fan, begging my mom or my grandmother to buy me their CDs. I didn’t even pay attention to Justin when he was in the group; I was (and still am) a Lance girl. Yeah, so he’s gay, but it is something about those green eyes and that voice that make my girly parts tingle.

To this day I’m still pissed that I never got to see them in concert, mainly because Ava never wanted to go with me and mom felt that I needed someone to be at the concert with me—a.k.a. babysit me. I even bought Justified and Schizophrenic when they came out, but Justin’s first album just didn’t keep my interest after listening to it the first few times, then again nothing could when I was 13 years old. In fact, I had missed out on all things Justin—his movies, philanthropic efforts, love life, etc—for the last six years or more, but I was growing up and growing out of my teeny bopper phase and on top of that, I was dealing with the everyday pressures of my own life.

But then the summer before senior year arrived and I was ready to get it over with before it had even started so that I could the fuck up out of L.A. By that time I had become a full-fledged computer nerd, playing on my laptop (supplied by my ritzy school) all day and all night. On one of the few days that I allowed my best friend Rassad to pull me away from the computer screen, we were driving around looking for some grub and listen to the radio when the “hot new jam� by Justin Timberlake came blasting through the car speakers.

I’m bringin’ sexy back…
Them other boys don’t know how to act…


I must admit that Justin had this little girl from Inglewood bobbing her head and hanging on to every word he said when sang that song. For the entire month of July, “SexyBack� was my anthem…that is until “My Love� came out. Finding that song on some random music blog before it had even been released was probably the best thing that ever happened because after I heard it, it was over. Apparently everyone else in America felt the same way because I couldn’t go anywhere without hearing it at least three or more times a day on the radio. By that time Ava had been up and down the California coast taking and teaching dance classes and auditioning for various musical acts, but my sister just couldn’t seem to nail a steady gig.

“ ‘La, maybe I should have just went to grad school like mama said,� she would say to me in those rare times she would get discouraged. But the one thing I admire about Ava is that she allows only one day for insecurity before she’s back out there, dancing a little harder and a little hungrier. So imagine my reaction (and bleeding eardrums) when my sister called to tell me:

“I’M GOING ON TOUR WITH JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!!�

My mom thought someone had died when she burst into my room because I was screaming so loud. I had never been so proud of my big sister. That’s why being able to see her tonight, for the first time since she’s been on tour, and since I’ve been out of school is all the more special to me.
**********************************************************
FedEx Forum

“Selah, are you drooling?� My sister asks me.

See this is a damn shame. The man is so fine that I’m salivating over him like a slab of meat.

“No!� I reply defensively while trying to wipe the drool off my lip discreetly.

“You haven’t changed since the days his face decorated your bedroom. Now if you thought Nick was off limits, think of my boss as the Mona Lisa; if you try to touch him, alarms will start going off so don’t even try it,� Ava warns me.

Ugh, I get it! I mean I’m 19 and hormonal, not stupid. Plus I’m not blind to the fact that he’s currently taken or that I’m the baby sister of one of his dancers, so he wouldn’t even do a double take at me. No one ever does.

“Hey everyone, I hope you all slept well and had a great mini-vacation before we get started on this second leg. I’m really excited about tonight and just being home,� Justin pauses as a smile takes over his face. I think I’m melting.

“But as much as I like to have fun, it’s time to get to work so let’s get to goin’!� My sister and the rest of the dancers make their way to the stage.

“A, where should I go?�

“Go ahead and just sit in the club pit there. You’ll be able to see everything from that spot,� she says while giving me a bright smile. I reciprocate by giving her a smile back.

“Get it girl…�

She laughs before running back toward the stage. I take a seat on a barstool in the middle of the club pit. The stage is kind of circular so that everyone can see the dancers, the backup singers, and of course Justin. Ava told me that they have platforms that move the band members around as well as these openings in the stage where the dancers can disappear to their underground area. I’m just in awe of it all and for the infinite time in a row, proud that my sister was able to get to this point.

I look to my left and catch Michele’s eye. She gives me a wink and I give her a smile and thumbs up before I hear that infamous guitar riff. Suddenly I see Michele crawling along the platform on the other side of the club pit like a cat. I hear the guitar riff again and I look to my right to see Nancy moving in slow motion. I hear the riff one more time before I finally turn my head toward the center of the stage and see him standing there with his blue guitar in his hands. It’s been over six years since he released this song as his first single and here he is today, singing it like it’s the very first time.


I kind of noticed, something wasn’t right
In your colorful face…
It's kind of weird to me
Since you're so fine
If it's up to me your face will change…


I immediately start singing the next part, getting my groove on in the club pit by myself. I got reacquainted with Justified since my sister needed to practice the routines that Marty taught the dancers. It was then that I realized how great the album actually is. I take my eyes off of Justin to see my sister dancing her heart out, Michele being her sassy self, and Nick winking at me. I feel my face burn in response as my eyes make their way back to Justin who is strutting around the stage like he owns the place—well in a sense, he does. I usually hate guys that are cocky, but it’s something about Justin’s “cockiness� that I find so sexy.

But I bet it’s because he’s confident in what he does and believes in himself completely, something I have yet to discover within myself. I guess if I had an inkling of the confidence that Justin or even my sister exuded, I wouldn’t be in the position that I was in now—out of school, in the dog house with mom, unsure of what my future holds or what I want it to look like. I may be smiling on the outside, but no one, not even Ava really knows how scared and insecure I am. But my fears soon melt away when I look directly in front of me only to see Justin standing there, crooning the words of the bridge to me:


I just wanna love you baby
Yeah yeah yeah…


He better stop before I pass out because my heart is about to pop out of my chest it’s beating so fast. My cheeks are hurting because I’m smiling so hard and oh my sweet lord, did he just wink at me? Ok, I can officially die a happy woman now.

I fight the urge to scream like a teeny as he makes his way back to the center and falls right into the choreography with my sister to his left, and some curly-haired girl on his right. I figure she’s one of the dancers I haven’t met yet. The song ends and I don’t know whether to clap or scream. If it looked that good during rehearsal, then they were going to kill it once tonight comes. They go right into “My Love� after taking a quick breather and I almost pee my pants.

I. Love. This. Song.

I especially love how he decided to slow down the first verse, it sounds sexier that way. His voice sounds like silk as he sings the words:


If I wrote you a symphony
Just to say how much you mean to me
If I told you you were beautiful
Would you date me on the regular…


Is it bad that I want to shout out “HELL yes�? I figured that wouldn’t be very professional though. I hadn’t realized my eyes were closed as I listened to his voice until I felt a presence next to me.

“His voice is beautiful huh? Sometimes I close my eyes when he sings too.�

I look to my left and feel my stomach turn into a bunch of knots. I give her a tight-lipped smile, but I don’t respond to what she says. She’s a lot prettier in real life than in the pictures and her skin looks absolutely flawless. She’s not dressed in anything fancy, but I can tell that she’s the type of person that could make “sloppy� look glamorous as she stands next to me in jeans and a hoodie with a tank top underneath. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail and her face, which shows minimal to no sign of makeup, is fresh looking. And just like that, my insecurity is back and we haven’t even exchanged names. But I know who she is. She’s the girlfriend.

The rest of rehearsal flew by with me enjoying and dancing to my favorite Justin hits (and ignoring his overly friendly girlfriend). I mean I was trying to watch my sister and my new friends prepare for tonight, not talk about who I was and why I was there. I guess Jessica irritates me not only because she gets to have that fine piece of man all to herself, but also because she’s so damn nice…and beautiful. She thought it was so cool that I was touring with my sister too.

“I would have never dreamed about doing something like that at 19. But I guess when you’re filming a TV show four to five days a week, you don’t get too much time to do that.� She said to me with a shy smile.

Part of me wanted to be like “Trick please,� because she still has and most likely will always have more money than Ava and I ever will.

But another part of me felt for her, I mean who hasn’t heard about the not-so-glamorous life of child stars? Who knows what she went through while playing America’s beloved Mary Camden. Despite that, I wasn’t too keen on sharing my personal life with someone I had just met and eventually made up some bullshit about having to go to the bathroom. It wasn’t a total lie because I did have to go, but me being the smart girl that I am, I got myself lost in the damn arena. With my bladder threatening to burst, I was about to give up hope and head back inside to where everyone else was.

“Selah? Selah, is that you?�

I stopped in my tracks. His voice sounded so different, so loud and powerful when he was on stage that I’m tripping out at how soft it was when he said my name. Wait a minute, how did he know my name?

“Yeah, it-it’s me…� I stuttered, turning around to face him. My heart started racing for the infinite time as Justin jogged toward me in order to catch up. Finally closing the space between us, he stood before me giving me a shy lopsided smile.

“You scared your sister a little bit because she has me and all the other dancers looking for you. Where’d you go?�

“Oh! I was um…trying to find the bathroom. Still haven’t had much luck,� I chuckled nervously, silently praying that I wouldn’t pass out. Thankfully he laughed along with me.

“So that’s why we have a search party going on? Here come with me, I know where one is.�

I started following him when he stopped. “By the way,� he said while rubbing the back of his neck before offering me his hand—and another one of those heart-racing smiles. “I’m Justin.�

“Nice to meet you Justin,� I replied with a smile back before taking his hand. “I’m Selah.�
****************************************************************************************************
FedEx Forum, 6:45 p.m.

I smile thinking about earlier. Yeah, so we shook hands, re-introduced ourselves to each other and he…took me to the bathroom. It might not have been the most glamorous of meetings, but I can’t help but smile when I think about his captivating blues or his body melting smile. I’m going to have to send him my hospital bill because I know what he’s doing to me is not good for my health. And if that was when he wasn’t in performer mode, I can only imagine what’s going to happen in about an hour.

I’m sitting in the girls’ dressing room. It’s been entertaining to say the least watching the girls warm up and get their costumes on. Since it’s getting closer to show time, we’ve just been chilling and listening to music.

“Ok, what has got you smiling like the Cheshire cat Miss Selah?� Nancy asks me.

“Better yet who has got you smiling like that?� Tammy chimes in. I finally met her and Dana, the dancer with the curly hair, after rehearsal finished. I discovered that they’re just as cool as the rest of the dancers.

“Nothing and no one has me smiling like anything,� I emphasize while lying through my teeth. “I’m just excited for the show.�

“Uh huh,� Nancy cocks me an eyebrow. “So that smile has nothing to do with the fact that I saw you talking to our boss earlier?� Dammit, no one was supposed to know about that!

“Hold up, what were doing talking to Justin ‘La?� My sister inquires with some attitude.

“It’s not that big of a deal. Look, he found me wandering around the arena looking for a bathroom. He introduced himself and found me one, end of story,� I respond, embarrassed that these girls can read me so clearly.

“So you’ve just been reliving that moment in your head all day long, huh?� Michele says, shooting me a wink.

“Oh my god ya’ll, it’s nothing! I mean he has a girlfriend and I’m…I’m too young for him. He wouldn’t want me.�

“Well, you may be right about the age thing,� Tammy says while the other girls gather around me. “But how do you know he wouldn’t want you? It’s not like you need to walk around with a bag over your head.� The rest of the girls and I laugh.

“She’s right little one, don’t be acting like you don’t have Nick all on your jock,� Ava says. “I saw him winking at you during rehearsal, but he’s still off limits.�

I scoff in response while the other girls playfully defend me against my sister. The thought of Nick makes me smile, I mean he seems like a sweetheart and isn’t bad on the eyes. Maybe I’ll try to talk to him more, get to know him better. Hey, what my sister doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

We continue talking, gossiping, and giggling when we hear a loud “Shut up!� erupt from outside the dressing room. Knowing the owner of that voice, we all laugh in response, Tammy and Nancy yelling out a “Sorry Justin!� as well.

“I wonder how long he’s been out there?� Dana whispers loud enough so that we all can hear. “I hope he doesn’t know that he’s got you all lovestoned and whatnot,� she teases. The other girls, including my sister laugh.

I scoff once again, hoping he can’t hear what the girls are saying about me. “I DO NOT like him,� I say in a loud whisper. “I mean I’m not blind to the fact that he’s…he’s so—“

“Fine, sexy, delicious, gorgeous, handsome, scrumptious, need I go on ‘La?� Michele interrupts. I try to hide my embarrassed smile, feeling like a schoolgirl with a crush on a boy in her class.

I mean do I like him? How can I when I don’t even know anything about him that hasn’t printed and possibly reworded in a magazine?

Hell, is it even worth it? We’re talking an international superstar here who has women falling all over his feet almost everywhere he goes, many of whom don’t care that he’s been off the market for over a year. And despite the words of the encouragement from the girls, what would make me any different? What would he see in me? Suddenly his voice knocks me out of my thoughts.

“Are you ladies decent?� He says while doing what sounds like an awful impersonation of Mary Poppins.

“Yes,� the girls reply harmoniously.

Poking his head through the curtains he smiles at us, showing us all 32 of his pearly whites. I feel my stomach flip-flop. Yeah, this feeling—whatever it is—definitely worth it.

“So this is where all the noise is coming from. What ya’ll talkin’ about in here?�

The girls all turn their heads toward me. “Yeah little one, what have we been chattin’ about in here?� My sister asks with a mischievous glint in her eye.

Oh these wenches are going down after the show. But if Ava wants to play that game, I’ll play.

“Oh nothing…just talking about the time when Ava liked this guy in high school and got so nervous when she tried to ask him to the Spring dance that she threw up all over his shoes. What was his name again A? Ah yes, Eric Bradshaw, the senior quarterback…� I reminisce evilly. Judging from the look on my sister’s face right now, that will probably be the last memory I’ll have to reminisce on.

“Ew-I mean oh Ava, that’s too bad,� Justin says awkwardly while trying to hold back his laughter. “I’m going to go finish warming up, see you ladies on stage.� He disappears as his hearty laugh echoes from outside the dressing room

“I am going to kill you!� Ava threatens, lunging toward me.

“Now, now sis,� I admonish playfully, “You don’t want to waste all your energy on me; you’ve got a show to put on.�

It’s 7:16 and the girls need to go take their places. I give my sister a hug for good luck while she gives me a cocked eyebrow and a waving fist as a sign of what’s to come tonight when we get back to the hotel. We both know that she’s just kidding though. I tell the rest of the girls good luck and to look for me in VIP.

I’m the last one out of the dressing room as I make my way to the arena floor when I get the feeling that someone is watching me. Instinctively I turn around to see the superstar himself, staring at me, now with a shy smile on his face because he just got caught.

I smile back and mouth “Good luck� to him.

He winks and smiles back, stealing my breath as he walks away.

Let the show begin.
********************************************************************************************
The Downtown Marriott; Room 231, 12:32 a.m.

HOT damn!

Yeah Justin couldn’t have said it better himself because tonight’s show was off the chain. The band sounded awesome, the dancers were sick, and Justin? Is it possible to have multiple orgasms during a concert? Hell, I think I lost my virginity tonight.

With each song; he sung, danced, and played his heart out, leaving it on the stage—making me hot and bothered with every lick of his lips, twist of his hips and note he hit.

Let me stop before I explode just thinking about it. If it’s going to be like this for the rest of the tour, mom was a genius for sending me on tour with Ava.

Ava, my sister, my incredibly talented sister who made me so proud tonight as she graced that stage. Watching her made me realize what a person could achieve when they follow their heart and their dreams. I just wish I were as fearless as her. I guess I’ve always been afraid to go after the things I want because rejection seems to be my middle name. It’s something I’ve gotten accustomed to over my 19 years so I’d rather prevent it before all hell breaks loose.

I hate to be so pessimistic, but when you always finish second place in life, even when you try your best, it’s hard to think that you can do any better.

“I am tired,� my sister groans out after exiting out of the bathroom in a towel.

“Working it like you were tonight, I don’t blame you. So where we off to next?�

“ATL shawty,� she giggles, pulling out some sweats and a t-shirt to wear for our long ride. “We’re leaving in about an hour so you can sleep on the bus. You almost ready?�

“Yeah, I’m pretty much ready to go since I didn’t take anything out my bag earlier.�

Ava makes her way back into the bathroom to dress, but leaves the door open. “Cool. So you really liked the show? Be honest,� she says emphatically.

“Woman, did you not hear me showering you with all my love and admiration after we left the arena?� I ask.

“I know, I know. I just want to make sure you’re not telling me that because you’re my family and you’re supposed to love me,� Ava jokes.

“Psh, yeah I’m supposed to, but that don’t mean I have to.� I say before I burst into giggles. Now fully dressed, my sister emerges from the bathroom, laughing with me before tackling me on the bed.

“You know, I’m still going to get back at you for telling Justin about Eric Bradshaw. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but it will happen so watch your back little one,� she says half-jokingly. Oh god, I hope she doesn’t say anything to her boss about me. I swear I will get lost in some random city on purpose just to avoid humiliation when it comes to that man.

“Stop thinking about him,� she warns as she reads my thoughts. I hate when she does that.

“I’m not!� I whine. “I’m thinking about how cute Nick was tonight,� I sort of lie. I’ll admit Nick definitively caught my eye tonight. It’s like he glides on ice when he dances he’s so smooth.

“You’se a damn lie ‘La. Don’t think I didn’t see your eyes almost pop out of your skull during “SexyBack� when Justin grabbed his dick. Gave you a heart attack, huh?� She laughs as I hide my face with my hands.

“Shut up A!� I retort even though I’m smiling. My laughter abruptly stops before I bring my voice down to a whisper. “Does he do that freaky stuff to ya’ll during every show?�

“Oh so now you want to know all the secrets!� Ava laughs at my curiosity. “But to answer your question, those hands grace my body multiple times throughout the show.�

I scoff. “Lucky bitch.� Ava just laughs. Her laughter subsides however and she gets serious.

“Selah, I know you think that Justin is your dream guy, but that’s all it is; a dream or an illusion. I’m not saying that you can’t think he’s attractive and have a little crush on him, but don’t let your infatuation get you in trouble—or worse, hurt. We’ve been there and done that haven’t we?� She questions while insinuating at the same time.

Of all times to bring that guy up. I mean I feel like I’m 99.9% over him. So why am I letting what happened between us prevent me from opening up to someone else? Ugh, I refuse to think about that right now though.

“Yeah A, we have. But I’m fine now—better now and I don’t think about that shit anymore.�

“Are you sure? Because I don’t need to get fired for kicking my boss’ ass for breaking my baby sister’s heart,� she says laced with attitude. I love my sister.

“Yes I’m sure, crazy,� I laugh at her antics. “But I hear you loud and clear. I mean like you said, it’s just a dream.�

Getting up to go to the bathroom, I think about how right my sister is. That’s why I’m thankful that she always watching out for messes before I step in them. I know the heart wants what it wants, but in the case of my heart, it always seems to make me do some stupid things. Getting so wrapped up in a superstar could be one of them so I’m stopping while I’m ahead. Besides, I don’t know anything about Justin other than his superstar status and the fact that he’s unattainable. Yeah, falling for him would be like dreaming and never wanting to wake up.

But deep down inside, I don’t think I would want to.

“Welcome to Atlanta�, I say quietly to myself. It’s about 7:45 in the morning and all the other girls are still asleep and won’t be up for another hour or so. Surprisingly, I didn’t sleep most of the way here. My mind was just spinning after everything my sister and I had talked about in Memphis, especially about him. No, not the gorgeous, blue-eyed crooner that I’ve been drooling over since I became a visitor on this tour, but another blue-eyed individual who captured my heart…only to stomp on it in the end.

I thought the world of Damien Gable when he joined our class during my freshman year of high school. He was one of the many newbies that had replaced all my other friends who had decided to attend public high school. His family had relocated from San Francisco after his father had gotten a better paying job in L.A.; however Damien’s dad must have negotiated for a few more zeros to his paycheck because they were far from the type of lifestyle that Ava and I were living. Plus it probably helped that his mother, Alison, was an English teacher at our school as well.

Despite our socioeconomic differences, Dame (my nickname for him) and I became close right from the start and it didn’t hurt that I thought he was attractive. Being in the same class with pretty much the same people for 12 years, I became a little more partial to the other white meat (if you know what I mean). Although he wasn’t the type of that made you do a double take, he was tall and built, thanks to years of playing football and basketball, had a beautiful smile, piercing blue eyes and dimples—my weakness. As one of his “lucky� girl friends, I had unlimited access to touch him for reasons that only I knew about. I swear hugging him was like a quickie: short, sweet, but always leaving me wanting more. And why did he have to smell so damn good? I swear I will never be able to think of the cologne Black by Kenneth Cole the same way again. Yeah, freshman year he had lit a fire within me.

But by sophomore year, the sweet and funny guy I had met a year before was no longer around. I don’t know what had happened during our summer vacation, but Dame had turned into a Grade-A jerk with his sarcasm, cynicism, and general irritability. By the end of that year, my flame for him had burned out.
Sophomore year was just horrible overall not only because of my social life, but because of my home life as well. While mom and Ava were constantly fighting about what she should do with her life, my health had decided to take a turn for the worst.

When my legs started feeling sore when I would walk home from school, I thought that my backpack, along with the textbooks and laptop I was carrying, were just taking their toll. But when I started losing weight, couldn’t bend down to tie my shoes, and couldn’t walk two blocks without stopping to rest, I knew something was wrong. After becoming a pincushion due to various blood tests, I was told that I had Polymyositis.

Now what the fuck is that you ask? Well apparently, I developed an autoimmune disease in which my immune system decided to attack itself via my muscles, causing them to inflame and degenerate. I guess the only way I could describe it is feeling like I had worked out all day long and was completely sore all over my body. It’s too bad that I was feeling like that and hadn’t even been inside a gym. Add to the fact that I spent the last month of my summer vacation before junior year in the hospital due to medications that made me loose my hair, made me nauseous, and made my face look like that moon because it was so bloated. It’s obvious to say that I wasn’t feeling or looking my best.

Junior year, I got a snazzy golf cart to drive around campus in out of the deal, so I wasn’t complaining too much. My friends knew that I was going through a tough time and I had given them the readers digest version of what was happening to me, so they tried to help me in any way they could.

Dame always made sure to open doors and carry my books for me. I guess when your self-esteem is slowly dwindling down to nothing; the smallest gesture can make you have a change of heart. That’s what happened to me with Damien and by the time winter vacation approached, I had fallen for him all over again. I wasn’t the only culprit though; him being his natural flirty self and letting me call his lap my home didn’t help change my feelings toward him either. But the shit started to hit the fan when people started getting nosy and putting two and two together.

I knew Dame had found out I liked him when he stopped talking to me and being so touchy-feely with me. It sucked, but I kind of understood his position because he didn’t want to make things awkward between us—too late for that though. When my 17th birthday rolled around in March, I knew that I had some damage repair to do so I confronted him during one our free periods. I asked him how long he had known and how he felt about my crush, and he told me that one of our other friends had told him and that he wasn’t ready for such a commitment.

Did it hurt to hear him say that? Yes. But I also understood where he was coming from and by that point; I just wanted my friend back. I never knew I could be lied to through a smile, but that’s exactly what Dame did to me after we “agreed� on getting back on track.

Damien didn’t talk to me for the rest of the school year and didn’t say too much to me during our senior year either. He went so much as to pretend that I didn’t even exist when I would be around our other friends or standing right in front him.

I didn’t understand what I did wrong and to this day, I still don’t. I thought I had fixed things for the better. But when I would go home and cry myself to sleep almost every night until I graduated, I realized just how fucked up things were and still are. I didn’t expect to lose a friend over something so trivial and I hate the fact that I still allow it come to the surface and cause me such pain.

But the one thing that I never expected to happen was for me to fall in love with the cause of that pain.
************************************************************************************************************
Gwinnett Center, Atlanta, Georgia, 3:25 p.m.

“That is super cold-blooded Nick!�

“What?! I just wasn’t feeling her, but I didn’t want to break it to her before the dance…so I just ditched her once we got there.�

The guy dancers and I are laughing at Nick’s bullshit excuse for ditching his junior prom date simply because he didn’t find her attractive. Men, I swear. I’m hanging out on stage with them as the girls go over some last minute costume adjustments in their dressing room.

I must say that not only are the guys attractive, but they are quite hilarious as well—Eddie often times being the clown out of all four of them. But now it’s Nick’s turn in the spotlight and for some reason, I can’t keep my eyes off of him.

Today has been pretty beneficial for Nick and I in terms of us getting to know each other. Since they didn’t have to be at the area until two, the dancers and I decided to head to the Atlantic Station, an outdoor mall a few minutes away from our hotel. It was while we were in Guess with Nancy and Marty that I found out a little bit more about the guy that scared the hell out of me in that Memphis elevator.

I found out that he’s 25, has been dancing since he was six, and has a weakness for chocolate ice cream. I told him that I am 19, like to write, and my guilty pleasure is Red Vines. I even told him that I took ballet, tap, and jazz for nine years to which he requested that I dust off my old moves and show him a little something once we got to the arena. It’s been seven years since I’ve put on a ballet shoe so I don’t plan on making an ass of myself in front of someone who gets paid to dance.

It’s crazy to me that a guy who’s as smooth as ice on stage when he dances is so shy and reserved when he talks to me. But I can’t help but find that shy smile of his so damn cute. We even sat next to each other on the ride to the arena—with my sister giving me the stink eye the whole way. I hate to even give her the slightest inkling that she may be right about me and the matters of my heart. But then again, I’ve only known Nick one day and I’m starting to feel like how I felt when I first saw Damien. I just hope that my problem of mistaking the smallest bit of attraction that Nick may be feeling for me for true love won’t arise, because being “in love� all alone is no fun.

“So little one, you planning on coming out to the club with us tonight?� Eddie asks me excitedly.

“To the club?� I question confusedly. Ava didn’t mention anything about going out after the show…but now I know why. Bish.

“Eddie, have you forgotten how old I am already? I got two more years until the majors so it looks like I’ll just be chilling in my hotel room by myself,� I sigh.

“Aww damn,� Eddie replies disappointedly. “I was looking forward to seeing if the Bernstine dance genes had been passed on.�

I giggle at his response. “Well, maybe we’ll just have to have our own private party,� I say while jokingly getting my flirt on. “What do you think about that?�

“You ain’t having a damn tea party unless I’m there,� my sister interrupts. Damn, she’s forever cockblocking. The guys instantly crack up at my sister’s remark, while Eddie shoots me a wink on the low. I guess it’s back to work for them so I tell Ava that I’m going to chill in the girl’s dressing room while they finish rehearsing.

I’m making my way toward my destination with some N.E.R.D. bumping on my iPod. I’m so into the chorus of “Things Are Getting Better,� that I don’t see that I’m about to collide with another person and when I do, my iPod goes crashing to the floor.

“Shit! I’m so sorry,� an apologetic voice with a hint southern twang says to me. I see one of his beautiful, but massive hands collect my iPod from the floor then simultaneously, my browns meet his blues.

“It-it’s okay. I should have been watching where I was going.� Why does this man always turn me into a blubbering fool?

“N.E.R.D. huh? What do you know about them?� Justin questions me with a cocky smirk. Um, is he for real with this question right now?

“Psh, what do I know about them? The fact that they are musical geniuses that make hits, not only for other artists, but can hold their own when they make songs for themselves. Seems like you needed a little bit of their flavor for your debut, eh Timberlake?� I cross my arms over my chest and cock an eyebrow at him.

Looking me up and down, he’s quiet for a moment before he does that deep chuckle that makes all his female fans (including me) need to change their panties. But he doesn’t need to know all that.

“I was just going to tell you that you’re listening to one of my favorite songs off of that album, but you sure did school me,� he says, making his Tennessee accent more apparent before running his tongue over his lips. Yeah, I’m going to need that new pair panties right about now.

“O-oh, well um, that’s cool…yeah I like that song a lot.� Shit, there I go stuttering again.

“Do you like ‘Brain’?�

“ ‘Brain’?!� I exclaim louder than normal. I think my actual brain just short-circuited.

“Track three, ‘Brain’? Do you like that song?� He asks, but from the mischievous glint in his eyes I think he did that shit on purpose to get a reaction out of me. Sexy bastard.

“Yeah…I like ‘Brain’ a lot,� I reply while giving him my doe-eyed innocent look. I see his face visibly shift at my response. I guess “SexyBack� wasn’t ready for that was he?

“C-cool,� he stammers before clearing his voice. “Well here’s your iPod. I guess I’ll see you around?�

“Definitely,� I say as he hands me my musical device. I know I let my fingers graze his a little longer on purpose, but I’m just fucking with the man. Like I’ve said before, I know he’s off limits and he would never try anything with me. But if he wants to play the “F� card, I’m willing to meet his match. I just hope “F� stands for flirting in his mind like it does in mine.

August 16th; Four Seasons Hotel, New York, New York

I have the worst headache right now. Not because I’m sick, hungry, or having side effects of PMS, but from listening to my sister freak out about tonight’s show. Now for everyone who’s coming to see the FutureSex/LoveShow for the first or infinite time, this will be an awesome, entertaining, and (for the ladies) panty wetting experience.

But for Justin, the band, the dancers and the rest of the crew, this is one of the most important shows on the tour. Why? Because HBO will be taping tonight’s concert and airing it on Labor Day for one of their concert specials.

Everyone has had the jitters all week and up until yesterday, Ava was doing just fine. Now this chick is pacing around our hotel room like an ant on an anthill. It is too early in the morning for all this.

“ ‘La, this is major girl…I mean major,� she says wringing her hands together before dropping them.

“Yes Ava, I know. But you need to calm down; this show isn’t going to be any different than the others except for a few cameras. If you keep thinking about that, then yeah, you are going to fuck up,� I tell her honestly. “Now stop pacing, you’re making my head hurt.�

She finally stops pacing and throws herself down onto the bed. “Ugh, I’m sorry ‘La. I just…this is something that I’ve been waiting for my whole life and I just don’t want to mess it up.�

“Then stop worrying about messing up and you won’t. You’re good—scratch that, amazing at what you do and you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. So go out there tonight, approach it like any other show, and kill it. Besides, it’s my job to worry,� I joke while giving her a smile.

She returns it. “When the hell did you get so wise?�

“Trick please, I’m a guru; you ain’t know?� I say before laughing.

“Yeah, yeah…but what you don’t know is that someone has been asking about you…� she says before walking into the bathroom.

“WHO?!!� I enquire excitedly. I obviously have an idea of who it is, I mean Nick and I have been spending more time together and trying to get to know each other better.

“Oh you know…he’s bringin’ sexy back,� she says as she pokes her head out of the bathroom to see my reaction.

Ok, that’s so not the person I was expecting. What the hell is Justin Timberlake doing asking about me? Even though I’m confused as I don’t know what, a small smile can’t help but break out onto my face.

“Justin? What’s he asking about me for?� I ask, truly interested in my sister’s explanation.

“Look at you, just cheesin’ from ear to ear,� she says while shaking her head and mirroring my smile. “Surprisingly, he asked me where you get all that attitude from.�

“Attitude? Is he still smoking that stuff?�

My sister breaks out into a hearty laugh. “Shut up! He told me that you musically schooled him back in Atlanta. Now how in the hell is that even possible?�

“Psh, he came at me sideways, probably thinking that all I listen to is hip-hop and rap. I was listening to some N.E.R.D., we ran into each other—literally, he asked me what I know about them and I gave him some knowledge,� I reply matter of factly.

“So he didn’t try to flirt with you or anything? Because you of all people should know how big of a flirt Justin is when he’s talking to a female.� Shit, did he mention to her about my lingering fingers or that “Brain� innuendo?

“No…he was being Justin I guess,� I say hoping that Ava can’t hear the nervousness in my voice.

“Remember what I said in the beginning ‘La, he is the Mona Lisa; you look, but you don’t touch. Besides, I saw you talking to Jessica when we were in Memphis…I also saw your face too,� she chuckles. “What, she was all in your business?�

“That and asking me 21 questions and crap, it was annoying as hell. But A, you know what really pisses me off about her?� I ask before sighing.

My sister makes her way out of the bathroom and sits on the bed next to me. “Besides the fact that she’s getting what you want on the daily? What else have you decided to hate about her?�

“The fact that I can’t find one reason to dislike her. Ugh, why does she have to be so nice…so beautiful?� Damn, here I go feeling sorry for myself again.

“Selah, look at me,� my sister says to me before I oblige. “I know these last few years have been hard on you with everything that you’ve been through. But that doesn’t make you any less beautiful than these girls out here and I’m not saying this just because I’m your sister. I want to tell you something that I’ve never told anyone okay?�

My eyebrows crease in curiosity because my sister generally tells me everything, but I nod anyway. “Okay.�

“Remember when I would go with you to the hospital for your IV treatments?�

Why is she bringing this up? Better yet, why is my heart starting to race? “Yeah?�

“Well, when you would be sleeping because the medicine would make you tired…those were the times when I broke down. For the first time in my life I felt so helpless, like I couldn’t save you from this bullshit illness and it was so unfair; hell it still is since you’re still taking that god awful medication.�

Methotrexate, the medication I take weekly in order to keep my Polymyositis under control. I don’t like taking it either, since it makes me feel like crap, but I do what I have to do, side effects and all.

“You’re my baby sister, but ‘La you have no idea how much I admire you for your strength during all of that.�

I’m trying to digest all of what my sister has just shared with me. Ava hardly ever cries, in fact the last time I saw her cry was when our grandmother passed away and that was three years ago. But hearing her say all this breaks my heart a little bit. I mean I wasn’t dying per say, but I was pretty sickly.

It would have been easy for me to break down and have a pity party for myself—not to say that I didn’t sometimes—but that wasn’t going to help me get any better so I had to be strong. I guess it’s been harder for me to deal with the after affects than when I was actually sick.

I place a kiss to my sister’s temple. “I know; I don’t enjoy taking that shit medication either. But I’m still here and I’m a hell of a lot better than I was, so no tears ok? Besides, I can’t be strong when my big sister isn’t being a prime example,� I say while grinning at her. I feel better when she returns it, knowing that things are okay again.

“Now while I appreciate this heart-to-heart we just had, enough about me; it’s time to go get our grub on.�
****************************************************************************************************************

Ava and I finally make it downstairs to meet everyone for breakfast. We walk in to a chorus of “Good morning’s� and “What’s up’s� from everyone as we make our way to the long table. I catch Nick’s eye as he sends me a smile and a wink, noticing an empty seat next to him. Did he save a seat for me? Now he is just too cute.

“Good morning,� I say to him after taking my seat.

“Good morning beautiful.� Oh sweet lord, my cheeks are burning I’m smiling so hard.

It’s been a little over a week since I’ve been on the tour and things have been a bit busy and hectic, but somehow Nick and I have been making time to talk and learn more about each other a little bit each day. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s everything that I would like in a guy: attractive, intelligent, funny, talented, and sweet, but I’m still trying to feel him out and see what he’s about. The past has made me very cautious about whom I trust and give my heart to and even though Nick seems like a great catch, I’m not planning on scooping him up or vice versa just yet.

“Did you sleep well?� He asks quietly.

“Yes, I did thank you,� I reply with a smile. “You ready for tonight?�

“You mean the show or after the show,� he says jokingly.

I just shake my head and laugh. “You perv, you know damn well what I’m talking about.�

“Yeah, I’m ready…excited too.�

“Good, you’re going to do great…Mr. Smooth,� I say before giving him a wink and getting up to go get some food. I nicknamed him that since he’s so smooth, clean and precise when he dances.

I’m starving so I’m piling on just about everything that is offered at this breakfast buffet: scrambled eggs, hash browns, sausage, fruit, some orange juice and a muffin for later. Salivating over my delicious breakfast and making a beeline toward the table, I bump into a hard body and spill my orange juice all over their shirt.

“You know, we have got to stop meeting like this,� Justin says amusedly. I however couldn’t find this situation more humiliating.

“Justin, oh my god I am so sorry. Shit…I’m so embarrassed.�

“You’re embarrassed? You’re not the one with orange juice all over their chest,� he says chuckling. Okay, did he have to mention his washboard abs? Now is not the time.

Setting my food tray down, I grab a few napkins and start dabbing at his shirt, trying to get as much of the juice soaked up as possible.

“Selah,� he says quietly, but I just keep on dabbing. I feel horrible and embarrassed, plus I don’t need to be kick off of this tour because the main attraction got mad at me.

“Selah, stop it,� he says again before taking my wrists in each of his massive hands. Well that stopped my frantic movements.

“It’s okay. I mean, I like this shirt and all but I have other ones. Don’t worry about it.�

“I’m sorry,� I say covering my face in my hands. “I’m so damn clumsy and I just…I’m sorry. I hope you’re not too upset.�

Lifting my chin with his hand, his blues meet my browns and he gives me that infamous lopsided grin. “Hey, didn’t I tell you it was cool? I have plenty of shirts upstairs. And I’m not mad at you, so relax okay?� He says to me almost as quietly as he did when he first said my name.

Yeah, we really should not be looking at each other like this.

Suddenly I hear someone clearing their throat and I’m snapped out my trance. Nick.

“Hey, is everything…alright back here?� He asks awkwardly. “It’s just you were taking so long to come back—“

“Everything is cool man,� Justin interrupts. “We just had a little accident,� he explains while turning around to show Nick is juice stained shirt.

“Oh…ok, well ‘La do you want me to take your food back to the table for you?� Nick asks me.

“Yeah Nick, that would be great. Thank you.� Grabbing my tray and giving Justin a nod, Nick makes his way back to the table.

“Well that was kind of awkward huh?� Justin asks while chuckling.

I laugh nervously in response. “Yeah…it was. I don’t know why exactly.� I’m going to hell for all the lying I’ve been doing lately.

“He likes you, pure and simple.�

“And how do you know that? We’ve only known each other a week� I say, cocking an eyebrow at him.

“ I can just tell and I don’t know of anyone whose feelings act on a timeline. Do you?� he asks with some attitude. That’s a good question, but I think this conversation just hit a whole new level.

“So is this your way of teaching me some type lesson since I musically schooled you about N.E.R.D.?� I say, trying to lighten up our conversation.

He smirks. “Your sister told you what I said? Damn, can’t trust nobody around here,� he says jokingly.

“I also have an ‘attitude’? Really Mr. Timberlake? I mean, I guess it’s better than what’s generally said about me or what I’m usually called.�

“And what’s that?�

“A bitch,� I reply simply.

He just laughs at my bluntness. “Yeah, well from these few conversations that we’ve had with each other, you Miss Bernstine are one bad bitch.�

I chuckle at his cliché comment. “I know. You sure you aren’t going to send me back to L.A. with my tail between my legs for not only schooling you, but spilling juice on you too?�

“Now why would I do that? I’m a southern gentleman, emphasis on gentle. Besides, I have a feeling that I’m going to like having you around Miss Bernstine. I’ll see you later,� he says before walking off.

It should be a damn crime to be that fine and intellectual because that is a dangerous combination. This man has got my mind going a hundred miles and hour and shit just based off of a conversation.

How does he know if Nick likes me like that? Hell, I’ve been known to develop a “crush� on a guy right after meeting him or spending time with him, but that’s just how crazy I used to be when it came to guys. But it’s only been 10 days and although I’m feeling Nick, I don’t want us to get in over our heads about feelings and shit when we just met. I like where we are right now. I’m not saying that nothing is there; it’s just that I want to give it time to grow properly and on my terms.

I guess I’m a bit afraid that what I could eventually feel for Nick and what he may be feeling for me has the potential of being something real. While that excites me, it scares the hell out of me too. I don’t want it to ultimately end up as a failure like all my other pursuits with the opposite sex. I think that’s why I’m not so afraid of “falling� for Justin because like my sister said, he’s just the dream or the ultimate fantasy. It’s not like he’ll ever be mine and I like being able to get underneath his skin without the complication of feelings being involved, so I’m going to keep it that way. He’s just going to have to turn down the sexy and no one will get hurt.

Getting a new glass of orange juice, I make my way back to the table where all eyes are on me. I hate it when people stare.

“What?� I say with a pinch of attitude.

“Is everything ok? You were gone for a bit so we sent Nick to investigate,� Michele responds.

“Everything is fine, he didn’t tell you? I accidentally ran into Justin and spilled my juice all over him. Me and clumsy ass,� I explain, laughing.

Satisfied with my explanation, everyone gets back to their previous conversations and I start digging into my food.

I feel Nick’s eyes on me as I’m taking my first bite. I have a feeling he wants to know what the hell he witnessed between Justin and I when he walked up. But instead of explaining myself, I reach for his hand that’s in his lap as a way of signifying that he has nothing to worry about and I fuse it with mine.

His eyes follow our joined hands and he gives me that shy smile of his that I love so much and as I look into his sleepy blue eyes, I know that we’re cool.
****************************************************************************************************************************************
Madison Square Garden, 7:30 p.m.

There’s definitely a buzz in the air as I sit in the girls’ dressing room with my headphones in my ear. I nod my head as the first few notes of “Whine Up� by Kat DeLuna hit my ears and watch my sister and the rest of the girls stretch and put on their costumes. I’m excited for tonight’s show; it just feels like it’s going to be amazing even though I’ve seen it six times already. I soon feel a tap on my shoulder and I take out one of my ear buds.

“Hey girl!� Dana says excitedly. “Take those things out of your ears, you know it’s time to have our gossip ritual.�

Ah yes, the gossip ritual. How girly of us right? But I think it helps the girls get their pre-concert jitters out so that they’re focused when it comes to show time.

“So, who’s trying to hit the club tonight after the show?� Michele asks.

“I think everyone is since it’s our last night in New York,� Nancy responds. “Where we going?�

“Where it’s crackin’!� My sister says with her ghetto self. The rest of the girls laugh while I shake my head.

“Well, of course it has to be crackin’, but it also has to be a place that’s cool enough to let the little one in,� Michele says as she turns her gaze over to me.

“Me?� I ask surprised. “I don’t know ya’ll. Hell it’s hard enough using Ava’s old ID at the 21 and over clubs when I’m at home.�

“That’s because you and your fast-ass friends need to be at home,� my sister retorts. I swear this chick never wants me to have any fun.

“Whatever,� I say while rolling my eyes. “You guys think ya’ll can get me into a club tonight?�

“Heck yeah,� Tammy jumps in. “I mean, you look old enough. Plus you have one slight advantage over any other person trying to get in.�

“And what’s that?� I ask.

“Justin Timberlake,� she says with a sly grin. “Girl, it’s going to be you, us girls, the guys, the rest of the crew, and Justin. We’re about to own this club tonight.�

I guess I had forgot about the superstar. Tammy is right, I do look old enough; I just won’t drink. It has been a while since I got my dance on too and hopefully if this works out, I’ll get to see how Nick works it when he’s not on stage.

“So you in little one?� Michele asks.

I take a second to get a look at all the girls before answering.

“I’m in.�

Club Plush, 12:41 a.m.

Damn, it’s hot in here. I can’t tell if it’s from all the body heat or if it’s from the three shots I took before I hit the dance floor. I know I said that I wasn’t going to drink, but at the time, I was in the VIP lounge with my new friends and one of the hottest artist in the music industry and well…my sister wasn’t paying attention to me so, hey. She’s already on so she won’t care as long as I don’t get too fucked up or sick. Now those three shots of Smirnoff are doing my body good.

The extended mix of Beyoncé’s “Get Me Bodied� is bumping through the speakers while Michele, Tammy, Ava, and I are getting our dance on with each other. Everyone else, especially the “superstar�, is up in the VIP that was specifically reserved for him and his entourage. I giggle at that thought; I’m apart of someone’s entourage. Yeah, I’m definitely tipsy and dressed a little bit like I just got done sliding down a pole, but I genuinely feel good and that’s something I haven’t felt in a while. Thanks to Michele and Tammy’s help, I’m rocking this badass emerald green pleated band dress and looking and feeling like a million bucks. I guess the guys can agree with that statement too, especially when all their eyes almost popped out of their skulls once I stepped out into the hotel hallway.
************************************************************************************
“So,� I paused to turn all the way around give them a full view. “What do you guys think?�

“I think I need to take you back to my room,� Marty cracked, making all the other guys bust out laughing as well.

Justin was there too, but I never would have known it because he was being so quiet. But when I saw his eyes lick over my body and finally land on my legs, he was speaking loud and clear. Nick on the other hand was more vocal in his appreciation of my outfit.

“You look…wow. Save me a dance tonight?� He asked sweetly.

“Most definitely,� I replied with a grin.
****************************************************************
I haven’t had time to make good on my promise since the DJ has been playing mainly up-tempo songs and the guys are upstairs, but I will by the end of the night. I wouldn’t mind Mr. SexyBack showing me how he works it off stage too, but for the sake of him not being mobbed on the dance floor and my face being plastered on some sleazy tabloid tomorrow morning, I think Nick is my safer bet.

“YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?� My sister all but yells in my ear over the ending notes of the song.

“HECK YEAH!!!� I exclaim before we hear the beginning notes of “The Way I Are� start to play. Suddenly everyone who was sitting down or at the bar bum rushes the floor, but I don’t blame them because this is the cut.

I have my hands up in the air; dancing and feeling myself when I feel two hands slide around my hips and plant themselves on my waist. I jump and get ready to swing on some random dude putting his grubby paws on me only to be faced with Nick’s sleepy blue eyes, which look to be sleepier than usual.

“Hey beautiful,� he says knowing damn well I can’t hear him in this loud club. Thankfully I can read his lips.

“Hi,� I say close to his ear. “You drunk yet?�

He laughs. “Naw, just buzzed…feels good though. So can I get my dance now?� I smile before placing my back to his front and giving him what he’s been waiting for.

Now as you can see, I’m usually not one to toot my own horn. But when it comes to breaking a guy off and showing him what I’m working with on the dance floor: Toot Toot!

I guess those Bernstine dance genes are genetic. Nick is doing a real good job of following the roll and pop of my hips and judging from how hard he’s grinding into my butt right now, it looks like he trying to show me what he’s working with inside of his pants. My sister must be real drunk because she’s just watching with a sly grin on her face while Michele, Tammy, and the rest of the dancers are hooting and hollering at the show Nick and I are putting on. Not wanting to get too X-rated I turn around so that we’re face to face, but the naughtiness resumes as Nick brings my right leg up and wraps it around his waist. The crew goes wild as I giggle at his slick maneuver.

“Ok Mr. Smooth, you’re going to get me in trouble…� I say into his in ear in a sing-song voice.

I feel him laugh against my skin. “You were already in trouble from the moment I saw you in that dress.� Oh dear lord.

The song finally ends and Nick releases my leg from his waist. “Save me another dance?� He asks with his fingers intertwining with mine.

“Most definitely,� I reply.

Placing a soft, chaste kiss on my cheek, he gives me a wink before walking away.

“Girl,� Michele drags out, “I didn’t know you could move like that.�

“Ya’ll know she gets it from me,� my sister cuts in with her drunk self. I just shake my head and laugh.

“Hey, I’m going to head up to the lounge for a breather. Any of you guys want to come with?� I ask the girls.

“Naw, I think we’re just going to stay down here,� Tammy answers.

I reply with a nod and head back upstairs. Finding the place practically deserted, I plop myself down on one of the couches, watching the crowd below through the one-way window. Suddenly the DJ slows the vibe of the club down and “Bed� by J. Holiday starts blaring through the speakers. Shit, this is my song. Hell, I need to go find Nick…NOW.

“So do I get a dance too, Miss Bernstine?�

Clutching my chest, I realize that Justin has been in here this whole time. I get up from the couch to see him sitting behind the bar sipping on a dark substance.

“You know, it’s real creepy to just be sitting in the cut like that and not say anything.�

He chuckles. “Hey I was enjoying the lounge all to myself before you came in. Nick wear you out already?�

“Please, he’s cooling himself down so that he can get ready for round two.�

He chuckles again at my remark, but this time I pay attention to the sound. It’s deep, rich, and full; kind of like the drink he’s sipping.

“Jack and Coke?�

He eyes me skeptically. “Yeah, how’d you know?�

“You’re a Tennessee boy,� I reply while shrugging, “I just figured you’d be sipping on some Tennessee drank.�

“And what do you know about Tennessee boys Miss Bernstine?� He asks me amusedly.

“First of all,� I say before taking a seat on a bar stool, “Ms. Bernstine is my mother. Secondly, I don’t know much about Tennessee boys…and yet I find them so damn irresistible,� I say before meeting his gaze.

“Yeah?� He questions while giving me that cocky smirk of his.

“Yeah…just their whole way of thinking seems different than west coast dudes. Like just with southern guys in general, it seems as if chivalry still exists…and let’s not forget those accents. I guess I met and like Nick for a reason huh?� I giggle as I see his face shift. But he recovers and places his drink down before making it so that we’re eye level by leaning down on his elbows.

“Nick huh? So he’s the only Tennessee boy that can live up to your ideal?� He asks me lowly.

I mimic his posture and place my chin in my palm. “I guess I’d have to find another one in order to prove otherwise,� I reply in a voice that I don’t recognize. I must be tipsier than I thought.

He grins and then licks his lips (and I feel myself begin to throb). “Ok,� he says as nods his head.

I mirror his grin before getting up and walking over to the window. As I look out into the crowd, I see the majority of everyone getting naughty on the dance floor. The second verse of the song begins as I gently sway back and forth and mouth the words of it.

“You like this song?� Justin asks while making his way over to stand beside me.

“Love it, actually,� I answer while keeping my gaze on the dance floor.

“Would you like to dance?�

I have to turn my head on that one. Did Justin Timberlake just ask me to dance? Seriously? Judging from the boyish smile on his face, I guess he is serious and the answer leaves my mouth before I actually process it.

“Sure.�

He acts as if he’s handling glass as he places his hands on my waist and that’s when the seriousness of this situation settles into my brain: I’m about to dance with Justin Timberlake. I mean it’s just dancing; I dance with guys all the time. But as he brings my back closer to his front, my stomach starts to do back flips as I start to realize what I’ve just gotten myself into. This man moves like water, fluid and pure. Hell, just watching him gets me wet. So I pray that I don’t pass out once I feel them move against me. Maybe I should have another drink first.

“Relax,� he says quietly in my ear, “We’re just dancing, right?�

I swallow slowly before answering that question. “Yes.�

“Then show me what you’ve got planned for round two.�

I laugh. I may be tipsy and horny as hell, but I’m still in my right mind…I think. “Mr. Timberlake, do all Tennessee boys exercise your candor?� I ask feigning innocence.

I feel the laughter rumbling through his chest vibrate against my back. “Well, you just left Nashville…you’re walking in Memphis now.�

If I go through another pair of panties due to this man, he cannot say things like that to me. But his words are the last thing on my mind as intertwines our fingers and begins to grind against me. He must be taking the lyrics of this song to heart because the way he’s moving his hips is definitely going to make me put him up against the wall, on the couch behind us and then on the bar before I put him to bed.

My body is on fire right now as he moves sensuously against my backside. Although he’s dressed in an embroidered black t-shirt, I can still feel the bumps and grooves of his chest and in his William Rast jeans, the making of something that’s going to make me flood. My head rests against his right shoulder while my left hand makes its way into the short curls in the back of his head. His hands have now taken control of my hips, making them move to his liking while he presses the crotch of his jeans harder against my behind.

I hope he can’t feel how wet I am because at this rate, he’s going to grind me into an orgasmic explosion. But it feels so good and I want to feel everything he’s giving me. Damn, sex with him must be mind-blowing. Then again, I wouldn’t know what any type of sex feels like because I’ve never gotten that far. But I’m willing to let my mind wander and test the waters to see just how well he works it.

Bracing my hands against the window, I put a dip in my back and lean forward, almost bending myself in half while he continues to work me from behind. I look back to see his facial expression switch from surprised to appreciative as that cocky smirk from earlier reappears on his face. I had no idea that meant his was going to up the ante by lifting up the bottom of my dress so that my lacy, boyshort covered bottom could rub against his denim covered hardness. But judging by the moan I’m trying to bite back from spilling out, not to mention my juices, that’s exactly what he’s doing. I figure that before I make a mess all over the both us, I should resume my standing position and I do so, only to turn around and face him.

There’s no talking, only the sounds of our breathing and the beat of the song that dictates our movements. It’s like he’s inside my head with the way he’s meeting me pop for pop, body roll for body roll. My arms are around his neck now as our fronts intimately rock to the beat, but again I want to feel more of him and again, he reads my thoughts as he wraps my right leg around his waist. But this time, it’s him who wants more of me as he wraps my other leg around his waist and carries me to the wall between the couch and the bar.

Damn this is so wrong on so many levels and anyone could just walk in here, but I really don’t care. He’s too deep into my senses now and I’m too far gone to care, hell he is too. It’s like the music is making me drunker than the alcohol and making my body do what it really wants to do, but I know that it’s him too.

From the look in his eyes, I can tell that he’s feeling the same way as he braces my body against the wall by using his own and his gorgeous fingers caress the outer and inner parts of my thighs. My hands return to his curls while his hands plant themselves firmly back on my waist. He’s so hard for me right now and I’m so wet for him, but neither of us can do anything about it so we let the music speak and act for us. And it does until the last note of the song can be heard.

We’re both breathing as if we’ve been going at it for hours. His head is tucked in the crook of my neck while my legs are still wrapped around his waist. Finally moving his head, our eyes meet in a haze of lust and confusion. But as I untangle my legs from his body and we continue to stare at each other, we both know that this isn’t the beginning and that the end is too far away to be seen.

August 18th; Bell Center, Montreal, Canada

I hate being a woman sometimes. I hate being the indecisive woman who can’t decide if she wants Mexican or Italian food for dinner, or if she wants the sundress in red or orange. I hate being the optimistic woman one day and then a pessimistic one the next when things don’t go her way. I hate being the overly sensitive woman who lets a certain comment by someone cause her to break down because she took it the wrong way. But the woman that I despise being is the jealous one, especially over something that never belonged to her in the first place. Needless to say I’m not only a jealous woman right now, but also a pissed off one all because of one person: Jessica.

After I left the club, I took a shower, dressed, and packed my bag before I boarded the bus with the rest of the girls as we made our way to Montreal. Surprisingly and thankfully, no one asked me what I doing or why I was in the VIP lounge for so long. Justin and mine’s parting wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be and ended with him wrapping me in his arms in the form of a tight hug. I could tell that he felt a bit baffled about our sensuous dancing and what it meant for us, as was I. But when I looked into his eyes before leaving the lounge, there was one emotion that I didn’t see in them: guilt. I know that there wasn’t a guilty bone in my body.

For the first time in a long time I felt sexy and desirable. So imagine how I felt when we finally arrived at the Fairmont Tremblant hotel and saw Jessica waiting in the lobby with a huge smile on her face. The look on Justin’s face was priceless, but not in the happy sense.

“Surprise,� she said sweetly before walking over and wrapping her arms around him and pecking him on the lips.

If that wasn’t a WTF look on his face, I don’t know what it was, but he played it off as best as he could by plastering on a mega-watt smile. “Hey baby, what are you doing here?�

My thoughts exactly. I don’t know what pissed me off more, the fact that she just decided to show up and stay for who knows how long or that I haven’t seen or talked to Justin since we left the club. Looks like I’ll have to keep on waiting and that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.

I’m sitting in the club pit now as the dancers go over the routines from the first half of the show; apparently we’re breaking for lunch after they finish. Everyone can probably tell that I’m in a shitty mood because they haven’t said much to me today. Then again with this mean mug I’m rocking right now, I wouldn’t want to talk to me either. My craptastic mood is only being fueled by the fact that Ms. Biel has decided to accompany us to rehearsal today, but thankfully she hasn’t been very talkative. She’s probably picked up on my “Fuck Off� aura too.

This is a shame; I mean I didn’t sleep with the man, I just danced with him and here I am acting like two year-old, throwing a tantrum simply because his girlfriend is here. But I can’t help but feel a little territorial; just thinking about the way his body felt against mine, the way his hips tortuously rolled against my backside, the way he was looked at me when we were up against the wall….and there goes another pair of panties.

“I hear you guys went out the other night, to Plush right?� Jessica asks me cheerfully.

Damn, just when I thought I was going to get through this conversation free. “Yeah, we did…it was fun.�

“Aww, that’s cool. I mean I love to dance, but I’d be intimidated dancing around Justin or any of the other dancers.�

“You mean to tell me that you and Justin don’t dance together when you guys go out?�

“No, we do it’s just…he likes to grind and when he does that, he moves his hips in this certain way.� Oh, don’t I know.

“It’s like we’re fucking in front of everyone on the dance floor and I can’t move as well as he can…like that,� she laughs nervously. If I weren’t so irritated by the fact that she was here, I would have found her confession cute. Who would have thought that Jessica Biel couldn’t get her freak on? Then again, I know first hand about the hips in question so I can understand where she’s coming from.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret; it’s all about control…�

“Control?�

I nod my head affirmatively. “Your back is to his front, you’re trying to show him what you’re working with, so that means you get to run the show. Just move the way you want to move and he’ll have no choice but to follow,� I smirk. Why I just gave her that bit of advice, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I know that she can never work it like me.

Jessica nods her head, absorbing the information I just shared with her. “I guess I’ll have to try it sometime, thanks Selah,� she says before giving me a sweet smile. I try my best to give one back without it looking forced, but it must have worked because she turns her attention back to the stage. The dancers finally finish the first half and thankfully, it’s time for lunch.
*******************************************************************************************************************************************************

It isn’t even a second after I finally make it through the food line and sit down at the long table where everyone else is seated before Michele starts talking about the club. I swear God and karma are really trying to tell me something today.

“So I’ve decided that Plush is my new spot for whenever I’m in New York.�

“Definitely,� Marty cuts in. “That place was off the chain.�

“Not only was the place hot but the women there were ooohwheeee…� Eddie replies, making everyone at the table laugh.

“Yeah, especially the one with that green mini dress on…did ya’ll see her?� Nick asks while sending me a sly grin from across the table. I send him one back while everyone else laughs at his obvious description of my outfit. “Baby girl had some moves too.�

“Yeah she does.� And just like that, the table goes silent and looks in the direction of Justin’s voice. Thank God that no one is looking at my face right now because my eyes are the size of half dollars and my heart is pounding. What the hell is he doing? I mean it’s not like we made an agreement not to tell anyone, but I highly doubt that Nick or Jessica would be happy about the details of what happened between us in the lounge. I think Justin can tell that he’s made me uncomfortable with his comment.

“I saw her breaking you off from the VIP man,� he says, directing his comment to Nick.

Nick laughs lightly, but I can tell that he’s not buying Justin’s lame cover-up. “Oh yeah? She was working it in those heels too…looks like we may need another dancer for ‘Damn Girl,’ “ he says in a sing song voice.

“Oh hell no,� I finally speak up. “I don’t even like wearing a bathing suit let alone some lingerie in front of thousands of people almost every night,� I laugh, making the conversation lighthearted like it was before. Everyone laughs and Marty starts talking about the show, forgetting the awkward moment all together. I look across the table at Nick; he catches me looking at him and I give him one of the shy smiles he always gives me. He mirrors it, only it’s not so much shy as it is confused and unsure. The sad thing is that I know those feelings all to well right now.
********************************************************************************************************************************************************
7:30 p.m., Girls’ Dressing Room

I’m in my usual spot before show time with my earphones in my ear. Tonight’s song: “I Got Trouble� by Christina Aguilera. How appropriate right? My mind is still reeling over lunch today and the way Nick looked at me. I felt my heart break a little bit when his sleepy blues didn’t light up when we made eye contact like they usually do. Now let me explain something, I may have gotten myself into some shit by already getting in too deep with Justin, but I like Nick…I really do. He’s the first guy in the longest time that actually wants and makes time to get to know me as well as spend time with me. It’s the little things that he does for me too, like saving me a spot next to him at breakfast, lunch, or dinner; or when we’re walking somewhere and he slips his hand against mine and intertwines our fingers, and I’ve never been called beautiful more time in my life than during this week. I swear, if he gives me that shy smile of his while looking at me with those sleepy but beautiful blue eyes of his one more time…I’m a goner.

But I’m also a goner for someone who probably isn’t even thinking about me in that way and yet after a few conversations, I feel so comfortable around Justin that it scares me. It’s like he can see right through me without me having to say a word and I think that’s what happened at the club the other night. I wanted him so bad, but am I wrong in thinking that he wanted me too? I mean just looking at the man makes me all hot and bothered, but I’ve danced with guys before…and they don’t get that hard. When he had me up against the wall, I thought he was going to bust out of the jeans he was wearing because he was grinding against me so hard. Honestly I was ready for him move my panties to the side and dickmatize me in the VIP lounge of Plush, but that’s just my hormones talking. However it’s had me thinking either that he and Jessica’s sex life isn’t all that hot or he likes brown sugar a lot more than I thought.

“Come on little mama, you know what time it is,� Dana says after tapping me on the shoulder. Ah yes, gossip time. Right away the girls start teasing me about Nick.

“Girl, you got him following you around like a puppy dog,� Michele says.

“I guess your hips, your thighs, they’ve got him hypnotized,� Tammy cracks before we all bust out laughing. Just when I about to respond, we hear from the outside:

“Ayo, I’m tired of using technology…�

This makes us laugh even more since Justin just gave himself away and was listening to our conversation.

“Justin…� Nanci drawls out.

“Yes?� He mimics while poking his head through the curtains. “What? I heard someone singing my song so I thought I’d sing along.�

“Technically, it’s 50’s song. I didn’t know featured artists got bragging rights too,� I cut in.

Justin cocks me an eyebrow before licking his lips and giving me a smug grin. “Well I co-wrote the song so I get to brag as much as I damn well please.�

Oh no he didn’t. He just basically told me to shut the fuck up. Why am I so turned on right now? Better yet, why does my brain cease to function whenever he’s around? Just the way he’s looking at me right now; the way he said those words to me. It’s like he could say or do whatever the hell he wants to me and there wouldn’t be a damn thing I could do about it. That sense of confidence, with a pinch of cockiness thrown in is starting to make me throb. I think I need to go to the bathroom and from the look in his eyes, he knows why too.

“Ladies, I’m going to go to the bathroom,� I say while still looking Justin in the eyes. “I’ll be back.� I know they’re probably wondering what the hell is going on with the way we’re talking to and looking at each other, but I have to get out of here before they make me explain everything…or before I have an orgasm in front everyone. I finally find the bathroom, clean myself up and splash some cool water on my face.

“So I take it you’ve been replaying Thursday night in your head too.�

I am really sick of him lurking in the shadows and scaring the hell out me, he better be lucky that my first instinct is to swing and not to kick.

“Justin what the hell are you doing in the women’s bathroom?�

“I just want to talk,� he replies nonchalantly.

“In the women’s bathroom? Why couldn’t you have waited until I came out?�

“Because I’ve been waiting for the last day and a half,� he sighs. I guess it’s been on his mind too. Maybe if we actually talk about it instead of avoiding it, it might give me some clarity on the decision I have to make. I sigh too before taking a seat on the bathroom counter.

“What’s up?�

“Apparently my dick was.�

Leave it to him to be honest enough to the point of being crass. “Well thank you Captain Obvious.�

He bows his head, embarrassed at his outburst. “I’m sorry…that didn’t come out right. It’s just…I don’t know what happened. I mean you know how I dance, but I’ve never danced with anyone like…like that.� Great, he’s embarrassed and ashamed. I guess I psyched myself into believing that he actually did feel something.

“But I’m not going to lie to you Selah, what we did, the way we moved and connected, it felt good. You feel good,� he says in a low voice. That last part definitely got my attention and I realize how close he is to me when he says it. He’s standing between my legs with his hands on either side of my hips. I look into his blue eyes and that’s when I notice how many different shades of blue they are. It seems like the lighter they are, the happier or upbeat he is; the darker they are, the more angry or passionate he is. I’m swimming in a sea of navy right now and it’s not because he’s pissed at me.

“You feel good too,� I admit quietly while moving my gaze to the bathroom floor. “I’ve never felt or moved like that with anyone either. But what you did at lunch today was not cool, what were you thinking?�

“I wasn’t…I mean, I didn’t intend for it to come out like that. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.�

I meet his gaze again. “It’s ok…although I don’t think Nick bought your excuse, even if it is true,� I say before biting the inside of my cheek.

“I told you he likes you,� he says as he plays with my fingers and intertwines our fingers together. I love his hands and honestly, I love when I feel them on me. “How do you feel about him?�

“Honestly, I like him a lot…a whole lot. I know it’s only been a week, but I’m really starting to care about him. I feel bad that he probably thinks that something is going on between us.�

“It’s not like he can prove anything.�

“Well he will if he keeps catching us in these awkward situations,� I snap before snatching my hand out of his grasp.

He sighs. “So what do we do?�

“Justin, there’s nothing we can do. You’re in a relationship or have you totally forgotten about that in the midst of us making each other feel good?� I say irritably.

“No I haven’t forgotten about my relationship,� he echoes my irritability. “I love Jessica.�

“Do you?�

“Yes! I love her, she means the world to me.� He saying the words, but now instead of lust, his eyes are filled with uncertainty. Why do I feel a “but� coming?

“But despite all that,� he sighs for what seems like the millionth time. “There’s no spark.�

“No spark?� I ask him baffled. Jessica is a beautiful and curvaceous woman, hell she even has the ass that he’s always talking about when people ask him what his favorite body part on a woman is. I’m surprised he’s not caking with her right now and trying to get a little something before show time. “What do you mean?�

He’s pacing back and forth in front of me now while running his hands through his curls. “I don’t know Selah. Like when we first started dating, there was so much raw, unbridled passion between us. Shit, I thank God for this tour otherwise I’d be in bed all day butt naked with that woman,� he chuckles.

“I mean, sure it’s only been a few months and I’ve been running around the country and overseas like a chicken with my head cut off, but it’s like that anymore. She’s one of the sweetest women I have ever met, but she’s so sweet to the point that she has a hard time taking the reigns ya know? It’s always cool with whatever I want to do and oh my god don’t ever ask her what she wants for dinner, you’ll fucking starve.� I have to laugh on that one because it reminds me of someone I know so well.

“It’s just I’m always making decisions; whether it’s about my career, my label, the clothing line, whatever. It would just be nice to share that load with someone and have that person help take control when I need a break,� he says before chewing on his bottom lip. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. But there are times when I rather be in the passenger seat instead of the driver’s ya know?�

I feel him and that’s why I could never do what he does for a living. I would have been committed somewhere by now if I had to deal with what he deals with every single day. But I know that he wouldn’t trade it for the world because to him, making music is like breathing air.

“Well that’s what happens when you bring sexy back,� I say trying to cheer him up. I’m glad it works because he laughs at my lame joke. “People are going to expect you to live up to that claim now that you’ve gone and put it out there.�

“But I’m lazy,� he whines before resuming his position between my legs. “I don’t wanna be sexy no more…�

“Too late,� I mumble in hopes that he doesn’t hear me. But when our eyes meet and I see his infamous lopsided grin, I know that I’ve been caught red handed.

“So you said that you and Jessica’s spark is starting to go out…is there someone else who you think you have sparks with?� I ask shyly.

“Can you keep a secret?� he whispers with a mischievous smile.

“Yes,� I whisper back.

“There’s this one chick I met a little over a week ago. From the moment I saw her smile I knew she was different, but in good way. Then when I actually had the chance to talk to her and get to know her, she basically clowned me to my face!� He says, feigning disbelief. I just laugh because I know exactly whom he’s talking about.

“From that conversation though, I could tell that she was intelligent, sassy, but not in a bitchy way; sweet, and honest. But you want to know what’s sexy about her?� He says while he inches he face closer to mine.

Oh dear God, doesn’t he understand that he is a walking orgasm? Somewhere in my lifetime, I better be handsomely compensated for the resistance I’m putting up right now. I swallow the lump that’s in my throat and nod my head in order to answer his question.

“She knows how to control me and that’s a rare feat because I always have control,� he says intertwining our fingers again.

“Whether it’s during a conversation…or with her hips,� he chuckles as his hands skim up my thighs and plant themselves on my hips. “She always grabs my attention somehow. What’s even sexier is that she doesn’t even realize the power that she has over me…and the fact that she has the sexiest pair legs I have ever seen,� he says as our eyes meet again and his knuckles graze over my denim-clad thighs.

His eyes are navy again and I need a new pair of panties for the umpteenth time since I’ve been on this tour. I never thought I could grab anyone’s attention let alone Justin Timberlake’s. But he really doesn’t understand the control he has over me right now with his hands on my thighs in this bathroom.

“Well would if it was the other way around? Would if you actually possessed some type of control over her that you didn’t know about?�

“Then I would want her to tell me what she wants and what she needs, but I’m pretty sure I could figure it out.�

“How so?� I ask quietly as I watch his thumb and index finger play with the button of my jeans.

“Well not to sound too cocky, but it’s obvious that she wants me. I can tell by the way that she looks at me and talks to me. Her body language is out of this world, I can tell what she needs based off of that alone.�

“And what’s that?�

“Well the other night I went to the club and she was there too. She had on this green mini dress that made her look good enough to eat and these heels that made her legs look they went on for miles. When I finally got to dance with her…it was like some of the best sex I had ever had, only with clothes on. When she bent over to the front and let me take the reigns from behind or ran her fingers through my hair, I could tell that she’s giving; that she’ll do whatever it takes to satisfy me and keep it that way. But I can also tell that she’s never been given the attention that she needs or deserves, so when I had her up against the wall I wanted to show her that the passion she gave to me could be reciprocated and then some.�

He makes it sound so technical yet sexy at the same time, never mind the fact that he hit the nail right on the head with my wants and needs. Shit, I’ve definitely sprung a leak now.

“But you know how I know that I have control over her?� I’m surprised that my rapid breathing and increased heart rate weren’t a dead giveaway, but I nod and let him tell me anyway. I soon feel his lips and warm breath against my left ear.

“When I can see and feel how wet she gets every time that I’m around,� he says as he quickly cups my center from the outside of my jeans. “But she doesn’t have to worry, her secret is safe with me.� And just as quick as the words leave his lips, he’s out the door.

You know how I said that I hate being indecisive, sensitive, and jealous? Well I also hate keeping secrets because they always find a way to come out into the light when I least expect it. Whatever this is between Justin and I is fun and sexy, but so dangerous for other many other people involved. It would be completely different if Justin was single, but he’s not and despite how attracted I am to him, I refuse to hurt two completely innocent people. For what seems like the first time in my life, I know what—better yet who I want and I’m not going to let anyone take me away from him…for now.

September 1st; Mandalay Bay Events Center, Las Vegas, Nevada

“Come on little one, please?�

I cannot believe my sister is actually asking me to do this, in front of the rest of the girls and on the stage that they’ll be performing on tonight. I can’t believe that she actually wants me to dance in front of them.

“It’ll be just like when we would be in my room and I was learning all the choreography for the tour, and you would do it with me. You were so good at it…just let them see,� Ava pleads.

Remember when I said that my dreams mirror Ava’s? Well I didn’t realize that until I walked into her room one afternoon and saw her practicing the moves to “My Love.� Since that’s my jam, I watched as my sister went through the moves effortlessly while adding a touch of her own style and flair. I wasn’t only captivated by my sister, but by the choreography as well. It was so different; so smooth and flawless and seemed to hit every beat or symbol that was in the song. I guess I had been standing in the doorway long enough for Ava to see me.

“You just had to hear your song huh?� She said with a smile.

“Girl you know I will never get tired of this song. I like the moves you got going to it, what’s your choreographer’s name again?�

“Marty, Marty Kudelka.�

“Well tell Marty that his moves on this one are sick as hell.�

“Aight,� she said, chuckling at my remark. I was just about to leave the room when I heard: “You want to learn it?�

Hell at that point, I hadn’t danced in years. I had traded my ballet, jazz, and tap shoes for books at the beginning of seventh grade. But I figured why not? It would be just for fun and maybe my sister needed someone to go over steps with. I just hoped that I could pick up them up.

“Okay,� I said with a smile.

Now here I am today at the arena chilling with the girls on stage while we wait for the guys to finish up some costume things in the dressing room. Since they’re taking so long, we’ve just been fooling around on stage, hence why my sister is begging me to dance with her.

“Ava, I don’t even know the whole thing,� I whine. “I only know how to do the chorus and the second verse.�

“So! That’s better than nothing at all. Come on ‘La don’t be scared, these are the homies,� she tries to reason with me.

“Yeah girl, we want to see what you got,� Tammy chimes in. Soon the rest of the girls start egging me on.

Finally I sigh, “Do we have any music?�

My response receives a cheer as Ava pulls out her speakers and hooks up my iPod to them.

“Start it a little before the second verse,� my sister says to one of the girls as we take the stage. “You ready?�

“I still can’t believe I’m doing this,� I say while shaking my head.

“Girl hush, you’re a Bernstine; you know our shit is genetic.�

I laugh before I hear “My Love� blaring through the speakers and hear the girls start to cheer me on. Suddenly I tune out everything but the music, letting it take over my senses and I find my groove. I fall right into step with my sister as we move through the choreography effortlessly all the way to my favorite part: the stomp stomp slide. That part is my shit. When I come back to the real world, not only are the other girls screaming and cheering for me, but as I make my way off the stage, I see that Ava and I have a few more members in our “audience.�

“What the hell?� Marty blurts out in shock. “Where did you learn all that?�

“Seriously little one, I mean we knew you could get down in the club…but shit, you look like one of us up there,� Sky adds.

I soon feel two arms wrap around my waist and I smile knowing exactly whom they belong to. “And what was all this bullshit about you not knowing how to dance? You’ve been holding out on me girl,� Nick says before giving me a kiss on the cheek. I feel my cheeks burn as a huge grin breaks out onto my face.

“Looks like we may need to keep you around for backup because you were damn good girl.� I whip my head around to see Justin standing behind us. Dear god, he was watching me too? Well at least he thinks I’m good.

“Thanks ya’ll, but it’s nothing. Ava just taught me some steps to some of the numbers before the tour started and then begged me today to show off what I’ve learned,� I say sarcastically before sticking my tongue out at her.

“Well your sister is an excellent teacher because you looked good up there,� Marty continues.

“Yeah, real good up there,� Nick whispers in my ear, causing me to break out into the giggles. I guess it’s obvious that I went with the safer route by choosing Nick and honestly, I couldn’t be happier. I know, Justin was looking real tempting, but I was not trying to add “homewrecking hussy� to my resume. Since the bathroom incident in Montreal, Justin hasn’t tried anything other than saying hello and keeping light conversation with me. I guess he finally got his mind right and realized that he was putting his relationship at stake by messing around with me. I appreciate it though because it’s given me more time to get closer with Nick…real close.

Since we were in Canada for a little over a week, Nick and mine’s conversations started getting deeper and we began to share more with each other. He knows about my illness and Ava and mine’s strained relationship with our father—something that he knows about all to well. He told me about living in Brentwood and how even though it is an affluent place, his mom had to work two jobs in order for them to live there. He shared with me his fears as a dancer, that dancing is only going to get him so far before he can’t do it anymore or is considered “old� and won’t be able to land gigs like he wants. But it was on our first night in Winnipeg that we approached the big one: sex.

I was a little afraid to tell him that I was a virgin because it’s quite obvious that he’s not and I thought for sure he would haul ass and find someone more experienced than a 19 year-old recent college dropout. Needless to say, he was a bit surprised mostly because I don’t act or move like a virgin. But thankfully he understood, even going on to say that we can take it as slow as I want, but jokingly added that we can’t dance together in a club or else he’d be forced to take back his word.

I also told him about Damien and how that whole incident combined with my illness has left me extremely insecure, something that I’ve never told anyone except for my sister. It was so cute watching him get upset over how the way I was treated and have him listen to me so intently. He told me that I have nothing to be ashamed of, that what I went through was a testament of my character and to fuck Damien and dudes like him because they can’t handle someone like me anyway. That night, we shared our first kiss…and I’ve been addicted his lips ever since.

I know he said we could take it slow, but lately I’ve been noticing that it’s me trying to pick up the pace. I guess it’s been so long since I’ve kissed someone that it’s lit a fire within me. For the rest of our time in Canada, we were like two hormone-crazed teenagers, well at least one of us is, sneaking kisses throughout the day and me sneaking into his hotel room at night. The furthest we’ve gone physically is kissing without our tops on. Not only does he have a gorgeous body, but he has some wandering hands as well. I’ve been good about putting a stop to that before he gets too close to that place of no return, but at this rate it looks like he’ll be getting there real soon.

“You guys sure did take forever,� I say to Nick while everyone else gathers near the stage.

“Why, did you miss me?� He asks, pulling me close and giving me a grin.

“Maybe,� I draw out before lightly pressing my lips to his.

He smiles in appreciation. “You coming over tonight?�

“I can, but I thought everyone was trying to go out tonight?�

“Yeah, everyone except us.� Now I know he’s up to something since he’s trying to keep me in for the night.

“Should I even ask you what you’ve got planned?�

“Even if you did, I wouldn’t tell you. Just be over at my room around 11:45 okay?�

“Whatever you say Mr. Smooth,� I reply before giving him another peck.

“Okay lovebirds, it’s time for Mr. Bass to get back to work!� Marty yells out in front of everyone. Nick and I laugh while I give Marty the finger.

“Little one, I am shocked! I didn’t know you knew such obscenities,� he says dramatically and clutching his chest for effect.

I laugh at his outburst. “Please, you wish I could I show you the things I know,� I say with some sass and a wink.

“And what would those things be?� Nick asks.

“I guess you’ll find out later tonight,� I giggle. “Now go dance,� I say before swatting him on the butt.

“Okay…you better stop playing,� he warns me before he runs toward the stage. I know I look kind of silly right now with this cheesy grin on my face, but I can’t help it; I’m excited for tonight and whatever is supposed to happen. At the same time I’m nervous, just what exactly is supposed to happen tonight? We may be fooling around a lot more these days, but sex is definitely out of the question. Something tells me that’s not on his mind anyway. I guess there’s no point in stressing about it, I’ll find out at 11:45 tonight…so let the countdown begin.
********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Mandalay Bay Hotel; room 2118, 11:30 p.m.

I glance over at the clock, fifteen minutes. Hopefully my sister will be gone within in that time frame. She’s not stupid; she knows that I’m spending tonight with Nick, she’s just doesn’t think that we’re going to be watching movies and playing board games all night either. But she sure is taking her sweet time.

I guess the crew is heading over to the Palms tonight and judging from the looks of that building, I won’t see my sister for a while. I’m kind of glad that I’m staying in tonight because even though I went out in New York, I’m really not that big on clubs. Confined spaces full of drunk and sweaty people is not my idea of good time usually, but it’s fun every once and a while. I’m surprised that my sister has enough energy to go out.

“You’re not going to collapse on the dance floor are you?� I ask from the doorway of the bathroom.

“Girl please, I’m just going to go get my sip on and do my little two step. Tonight is all about being sexy,� she says as she puts the finishing touches on her make-up.

“Well go head and be gone with it,� I chuckle before making my way back to the bed.

“Selah,� she says my name and I can already hear the seriousness in it. “Promise me something.�

“What is it?�

“Promise me that you’ll be safe tonight okay? I know that may not be you guys’ objective, but you know what happens when you get all caught up in the moment. So just…strap up okay?�

I laugh lightly at my sister’s warning. “Ava, I hear you and I appreciate you being worried. But I’m not ready for all that anyway; hell Nick and I haven’t even known each other that long and we aren’t even official or anything. Trust me, it’s not going down tonight okay?�

“Okay,� she sighs before turning back into my fun-loving sister again. “So…how’s it going? He treating you well? Is he really that great of a kisser? Seems like all you two do is suck face,� she laughs, causing me to laugh as well.

“Things are going good, real good,� I say honestly. “He treats me like a princess and he’s such a great listener…and yes, he’s a damn good kisser. Shit, that boy has a gifted mouth,� I giggle.

“Look at you, you ‘ol freak,� she grins while shaking her head at me. “What’s that code for? You going to let him scratch—or should I say lick the kitty cat tonight?�

I throw a pillow at my sister as she laughs at me. “Ava! And I’m supposed to be the freak? You know I told you how I feel about that.�

“And I told you not to knock it until you try it. Girl, you better listen to your big sister…you just don’t know little one, you just don’t know,� she says before we hear a knock on the door. Ava gets up to open it as the rest of the girls make their way into our room.

“Ooooh, look at ya’ll looking hot,� I say.

“Yeah, well we had to spice it up since we’re in Vegas and all,� Michele responds.

“Well don’t hurt ‘em out there,� I laugh before I glance over at the clock. Five minutes.

“Believe me, we will,� Nanci chimes in before they all make their way to the door. My sister is the last one out as I say my goodbyes.

“Remember what I said ‘La.�

“Don’t worry sis, I’ve got it handled. Now go have a good time, be safe,� I wink at her jokingly.

“Mmmhmm, you too.�

I shut the door and race into the bathroom in order to finish getting ready. I’m trying to keep it casual, but sexy with just a beater, pajama shorts, and a hoodie on. The sexy is what I’m wearing is underneath: a lace bra and panty set that I ordered from Vicki’s. I rarely wear make-up but I sweep some eyeshadow over my lids and some MAC lipglass in “Lust� on my lips. My hair is pulled back into a loose side ponytail and I smell like “Pure Seduction� thanks again to Vicki’s, from head to toe. It’s 11:43 by the time I do a quick breath check, grab my cell, and room key and head out the door and down the hall to room 2235.

I knock on the door and suddenly feel a surge of butterflies fill my stomach. But when the door opens and I see Nick standing there giving me that shy smile, those butterflies are replaced with want.

“Hey beautiful,� he says before pulling me against his body and laying a sensuous kiss on my lips. Damn, I didn’t plan on getting wet so early into our evening.

I pull back breathlessly from his lips, giving him a lust filled gaze. “Hey.�

He leads me by the hand into his room and closes the door behind me.

“You hungry? I ordered some room service.�

“I am actually, thanks. So, what’s the deal for tonight?� I ask, hoping he’ll tell me something.

“Well I thought you’d never ask,� he says while giving me a mischievous smile and just like clockwork, there’s a knock at the door. He goes to open it and there’s our room service. Nick pays, closes the door and returns his attention back to me.

“So, what did you bring me?� I ask excitedly. When I take the cover off of one of the trays, my breathing stops. Chocolate and white chocolate covered strawberries stare me in the face. When I take the cover off of the second tray, chocolate, cookie dough and cookies and cream ice cream (two of my favorite flavors) with sides of chocolate and caramel sauce grace that tray. I take a moment to look away from the frozen treats and glance at Nick. Something tells me that we not just going to be making sundaes and I smile at the thought.

“You bought me dessert? Are you sure this is going to fill you up�

He nods before answering my question. “Yeah…that ice cream and you.� Oh shit.

He picks up the dish containing the cookie dough ice cream and brings it over to me. Getting a little bit of it on the spoon, he holds it near my lips. “You want some?�

I nod and open my mouth as he slides the spoon between my lips, letting me savor the delicious cool treat. The way he’s looking at me and my mouth is starting to make me throb, but if he wants to seduce me, then by all means let it be so. Putting another spoonful into my mouth, I reach for the tray with the strawberries.

“Sit down,� I command of him before he takes a seat at the end of the bed. Placing the tray next to him, I straddle his waist and pick up a chocolate covered one and place at his lips; watching as he takes a bite. After he finishes the strawberry, I get up to bring the dish of chocolate ice cream over to him and resume my position in his lap.

“So…why is chocolate your favorite flavor of ice cream?� I ask while giving him a spoonful.

He swallows before answering and licks his lips. “Because…it’s rich, thick, and melts away in my mouth,� he responds as hands caress my thighs and I bite my bottom lip at him.

“You know, you forgot my favorite flavor of ice cream. But I guess two of three isn’t bad.�

“Well why would you need vanilla ice cream when you have all of this right here?� He says in reference to himself. We look at each other a second more before we both bust out laughing.

“You are such a dork,� I say as my laughter subsides.

“Yeah, but you love it.� He’s right, I do. I smile before I lean down and capture his lips with mine. His hands travel from my thighs to my waist as he tightens his hold around me, while my arms go around his neck. Damn I love his lips and the way that he tastes, especially now that he tastes like the chocolate ice cream and strawberries that I fed him. His kisses are now moving from my lips to my neck, desperately looking for the spot that makes my toes curl with just one touch. My hands are grabbing fistfuls of his t-shirt as his tongue traces patterns on the column of my neck and it’s starting to become too much; I need to feel his skin against mine and it isn’t long before I get my wish.
************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The lights in the room are off, but the Vegas strip is giving Nick and I all the illumination that we need. “Love 2 Love� by Janet Jackson is playing from his iPod speakers as I lie on my back and stare at the light fixture in the ceiling. I honestly don’t remember how I got this way since it’s all a blur of clothes flying and hungry kisses that I’m sure have left hickeys on various parts of our necks. My lace panties are the last barrier before Nick sees me naked as the day I was born. I can’t believe that I’m so open with him right now and letting him see parts of me that have been for my eyes only. But when I received an appreciative reaction, as opposed to a repulsed one after he took my beater and bra off, I knew that I had nothing to worry about and that I could be comfortable around him.

I’m real comfortable right now as I feel Nick’s lips and tongue run between the valley of my breasts and down to my belly button. I giggle slightly at the sensation as his tongue traces a circle before the tip dips in. The subtle throbbing that I felt at the beginning of night is now an emphatic pulsing as I feel his tongue trace the rim of my panties, planting soft kisses haphazardly around the same area. Suddenly he stops and looks me in the eyes before a small smile breaks out onto his lips. He then stands up and goes back over to the cart with our desserts on it, picking up the dishes with the chocolate and caramel sauce in them and bringing back to the edge of the bed.

“I know it’s a little late to say this now, but I hope I’m not rushing you,� he says as he laughs lightly. “I mean you know you can tell me to stop right?�

“Come here,� I beckon him and watch as he bends down close to my face. “I’ve never been so comfortable in all my life and I wouldn’t want to stop even if I tried,� I say before sucking his bottom lip into my mouth. He moans at the action and I swear I feel some of my juices wet my panties.

He smiles and nods, “Okay beautiful, I got you.�

He goes back down toward the end of the bed and retrieves the dish of caramel sauce. I soon feel the warm, sticky substance being drizzled over my breasts and stomach.

“You know,� he says while placing the dish aside, “ I have to tell you something and it’s kind of embarrassing.�

“What’s that?�

“The day we met, I was on my way back from breakfast and I was going to take the stairs. But then I saw you come through the lobby and I just had to know your name or at least something about you. So…I waited until you got into the elevator and the rest is history I guess,� he laughs nervously. He really is too cute right now.

“So you peeped me before you came flying through the elevator? You stalker,� I say jokingly.

“Psh, you know you’re glad I did, otherwise we wouldn’t have met right away.�

“True,� I respond.

“And if that didn’t happen, we wouldn’t be as close as we are now, right?�

“Right.�

“And since we’re close, that means I can do this.� As soon as the words leave his mouth, his lips and tongue start to devour my caramel covered breasts and nipples. Immediately I moan from the warm and wet sensation as my hands grasp at his shoulders and back. After he cleans me up, his lips find mine and our tongues duel sensuously, allowing me to taste the left over caramel on his tongue.

“You taste so good,� he whispers against my lips. But I can tell by the look in his eyes that he wants to taste something else and suddenly, whatever stigma I had about me receiving head just melted away.

“I taste better with chocolate,� I whisper back. Soon enough, my stomach is drizzled in chocolate sauce and I’m being devoured for a second time, waiting for him to reach the place that I need him the most. That’s when I feel my panties being slipped off of my body as Nick continues his ministrations to my inner thighs. My pussy quivers with anticipation as he nibbles and sucks his way up to my center. Finally, he hooks my thighs over his shoulders and meets my gaze before he disappears from view and I let my senses take over.

As soon as his tongue touches one of my engorged petals, my body trembles. I can’t help but shiver and shake as he parts me, takes his time and allows me to feel every flick of his tongue. My juices are really flowing now and my toes are already curling and he hasn’t even gone inside me yet. But my soft moans turn into loud groans as his tongue finally delves inside my juicy depths. My hips slowly start to buck on their own accord as I melt away on his tongue and run my fingers through his buzz cut. I know I’m not going to last long not only because it’s my first time, but because he’s humming in appreciation against me now. He’s working his tongue so fast inside me that I can feel my walls start to convulse, but he slows down and places a soft kiss against my opening.

I open my eyes long enough to watch him lick me from his lips before he dives right back in. I soon feel two of fingers slide inside my warmth, stroking and caressing me in a beckoning motion. Parting me again, he finally places his lips around the place I’ve needed him, licking and sucking on my clit. My screams of pleasure are echoing off the walls as expletives spill from my lips and I grab at the sheets. I bite down on my bottom lip to try to stifle the sound as I feel a warm tingly sensation in my toes and in my lower back. My hips are all over the place before Nick has to hold them down with one of his forearms.

That tingly sensation is getting stronger now, reaching my calves and making its way into my thighs. Between my own natural wetness and that of his tongue being swirled around on my pearl and the rough pads of his fingers rubbing against my overly sensitive flesh, my body starts to convulse while my cries of ecstasy reach their peak and my walls squeeze his fingers like vice.

When I come down from my high, my body is still jerking from the aftershocks of my orgasm as I feel wet kisses being placed against my clit, my opening, and just above my mound. My fingers softly massage his head as my breathing tries to regain some normalcy. As my eyes find the ceiling like they did earlier tonight, I smile at what just took place between Nick and I, how he took his time to pleasure me and how good it felt. I realize how lucky I am to have someone like him around and willing to give me as much as I need without ever asking for much in return. As he makes his way up my body and finally meets me face to face, I kiss his lips as a symbol that as of now I’m not letting him get away and like he assured me earlier, he’s got me.

The next morning

I open my eyes and find myself staring at the light fixture in the ceiling. I feel refreshed, yet relaxed and totally satiated. But instead of waking up to a pair of sleepy blue eyes, I’m wake up in my own bed; glancing outside to see the Vegas sunrise. It really is a beautiful morning, but any woman would think that if they had the type of night that I did.

If I thought that it was over after Nick gave me the first earth shattering orgasm, I definitely wasn’t prepared for the next two. By the time I was damn near comatose, he revived me by placing soft, chaste kisses on my face and neck. It was a little after two Sunday morning and I could barely move from my spot in his bed. But since he didn’t want my sister to worry, he helped me dress before walking me back to my room and kissing the hell out of me before returning back to his own room. I would have preferred to share his bed with him for the night, but I understand and respect his reasoning. I ended up taking a soothing bubble bath before putting on some fresh pajamas and drifting off to sleep. Busting three nuts must have knocked me out because I didn’t even hear my sister stumble through the door at around four in the morning. As I glance over at the other bed, I see that Ava barely got out of her skirt and heels before she must have crashed on top of the comforter. Big sis is looking a hot mess right now.

I’m surprised that I’m up so early; it’s 9:22 and I’m sure that everyone else is planning to head down to breakfast. As soon as that thought passes through my mind, my cell starts buzzing, letting know that I’ve received a text message:

Hey porn star, u up?

I laugh heartily; automatically knowing whom it’s from. This new nickname has been added to a list of others courtesy of Mr. Bass because apparently I sounded like a porn star with all the moaning, groaning, and screaming I was doing last night.

Haha, yes Mr. Smooth I just woke up. I’ll c u at downstairs in a bit.

I hit the reply button, bounce out of bed and head to the bathroom to freshen up. Yesterday Ava told me that today was going to be a relaxing one since they didn’t have to be at the area until 2:30. So we planned on doing some chilling by the pool with the other girls, but now this trick is hungover. After I finish my bathroom stuff, I slip on some sweatpants and the hoodie I wore last night over my beater and my boyshorts before tapping my sister on the leg.

“A, come on girl it’s time to get up.� She must have drunk the whole bar because she is knocked out and will not budge. Well I’m hungry so I’m just going to leave her a note in hopes that she’ll wake up sometime this century. Placing the note within view, I grab my cell and room key before heading downstairs to a hot breakfast and a hot man.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************
12:27 p.m.


The sun shines down on everyone while the dry Las Vegas heat blankets our skin. It’s feels amazing as I, and the rest of the girls soak up the rays from the beach chairs outside of our cabana. Leave it to the superstar to have his people rent out a poolside cabana so that he can relax and swim without being mobbed. But right now, I am not mad him; shit, I could get used to this. Suddenly I realize that someone is blocking my sun, but I smile when I see who it is.

“Do you mind sir? Your huge rock of a cranium is blocking my sun,� I say jokingly while removing my sunglasses from my eyes.

Nick chuckles at my remark. “Hey, I told you about making fun of my head girl. Don’t make me have to throw you into this pool and get you wet.�

My ears only catch the last part of that sentence because I was too busy staring at his muscular arms and sculpted chest that’s dripping with water.

“Too late,� I say seductively before I blatantly check him out. He laughs before biting his bottom lip and shaking his head at me.

“Ya’ll are nasty,� my sister cuts in. Whoops, forgot that she and the rest of the girls were out here for a second.

“Yeah little one, you starting to turn into a little freak,� Michele chimes in.

“Starting to? The freak came out in my room on Sat—“

“Nick!� I exclaim while cutting him off. “Why don’t you go wait for me in the pool, okay?� I suggest with a smile, hoping he’ll get the hint.

“Alright…porn star,� he whispers loud enough so that the other girls can hear before he walks away.

I just shake my head at him. “I’m going to drown you once I come other there!�

“Porn star? What the hell did he mean by that ‘La?� Oh lord, here we go.

“Calm down brown,� I tell my sister. “It’s just a little inside joke between me and him.�

“Inside joke huh? Well he better not have been inside any part of your body last night while we were gone.� The girls and I crack up at her remark.

“For your information, he wasn’t…his tongue was,� I say quickly and quietly before getting up to grab a bottle of water from the bar.

“WHAT?!!� The girls seem to exclaim simultaneously before rushing into the cabana after me.

“Start talking…NOW,� Michele commands of me as the rest of the girls gather around me and I begin to tell them about late last night. By the time I finish, the cabana is silent and I’m surrounded by Cheshire cat-like grins.

“My sister is a freak!!!� My sister cuts through the silence while the rest of the girls and I laugh.

“Well I’ll be damned, I mean I knew you guys liked each other, but…damn,� Dana giggles.

“Okay now that we got the story, it’s time for the important questions,� Nanci cuts in. “Was he good girl?�

I throw my head back and laugh before answering. “I mean it’s not like I have anyone to compare him to, but…yeah girl, he was real good,� I reply before breaking out into the giggles again.

“How many times?� Tammy asks.

“How many times what?�

“How many times did you ring the bell girl?� Michele asks.

“Ohhh,� I reply, finally understanding. “Well, you know how they say the best things come in threes?� The girls’ mouths drop on that note while I laugh at their reactions. This is why I love this group of talented young women because even though I’ve only known them for a short amount of time and despite our age differences, I can relate to them and still have fun doing so.
*********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Suite 2500, Midnight

Why I am outside the doors of this penthouse suite, I have no idea. Hell I don’t even know whose room it is. All I know is that the girls have been acting hella secretive around me since we had dinner with the guys and that once we came back to the hotel after the show, my sister told me to put on the most scandalous thing I own. I decide to wear my black ruffle cami dress since it showcases my double D’s quite nicely and is kind of see through. I guess it’s scandalous enough for whatever is about to happen because the girls couldn’t stop smiling once they saw my outfit.

“Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on? Seriously, why am I out here in my nightie?�

“Little one don’t worry, you’ll find out soon enough and something tells me that you’ll like it,� my sister says with a grin.

“What the hell is taking him so long to answer the door?� Michele questions impatiently. As soon as the words leave her mouth, the door opens and I immediately want to put a coat on.

“Hey ladies, come on in,� Justin greets us with a cheesy and mischievous smile. Looks like he’s in on whatever is about to happen too.

After exchanging hellos, we make our way inside of his suite that looks like a complete furnished apartment. Cream-colored furniture decorates the room that is complete with a huge media and entertainment center, plasma TV included. As I walk in further, there is a living room area that is probably bigger than my living room and kitchen combined at home, as well as a small dining table. From the dining room, I can see that the sliding doors leading to the bedroom are open.

“Nice room huh?�

“Really nice,� I laugh lightly. “You got enough space and gadgets in here Mr. Timberlake?�

“Hell I don’t even know how work half of this shit.� I have to crack up on that note since I know all about Justin and his issues with technology.

“Well at least you know how to work the television, so that’s all that matters right?�

He chuckles, “Right.�

We fall into a comfortable silence as I notice his gaze shifting from my eyes and slowly making its way down my body. I see that his eyes stop at my behind, probably because he can see my black panties through the material of my dress, before he stops at my legs. I watch as his tongue peeks out to run over his lips and his eyes make their way back up my body, landing on my chest.

“Justin?�

“Yeah?� He responds sounding as if he’s in a trance.

“Are you thirsty?�

“W-what?� He stutters before snapping back into reality.

“You’re staring at them like a starving infant.�

Although he’s totally red-faced, he throws his head back and laughs heartily. “I’m sorry…but I kind of wish I was a newborn right about now.�

“You are disgusting,� I say, failing to hold my laughter back when suddenly there’s a loud knock on the door.

Following Justin toward the door, I notice that the other girls are quietly giggling and staring at me. The hell is going on? My question is answered when Justin opens the door and a police officer is standing in the doorway…but something about this cop doesn’t look right.

“Hello ladies…gentleman,� he gazes over at Justin to acknowledge him. “I’m looking for a Ms. Selah Bernstine.�

“Um, that’s me…sir,� I stammer. Why the hell is this cop here looking for me? I haven’t done anything wrong.

“Ma’am I here to place you under arrest.�

“ARREST?!! FOR WHAT?!!� Okay seriously, what the fuck is going on? I haven’t done a damn thing since I’ve been in Vegas; hell I haven’t even left the hotel in the last 24 hours!

“I’m here to place you under arrest…for being sexy in the first degree.�

Suddenly the whole room goes black until some soft lights are turned on, giving the room a nice, romantic glow. I find myself being pushed into a chair that’s placed in the middle of the living area as “Closer� by Nine Inch Nails starts blaring through the speakers of the CD player. The girls are hooting and hollering as the cop stands right in front of me, takes of his hat…and begins to unbutton the shirt of his uniform. Okay really, what the FUCK is going on here?

The officer begins to move seductively to the music and is now down to the beater that he’s wearing. He walks over to me, takes his baton from his waist and begins to lazily drag it down my body. Now I know this isn’t a real police officer, but I don’t think he’s a stripper either; there’s just something really familiar about him. By the time he’s unbuttoned his pants and has grinded in my lap harder than a coffee maker, the last few notes of the song are drifting through the speakers as the officer receives a round of applause. I know I look dumb as hell sitting here with a WTF look on my face after having a delicious man in my lap, but it’s when he takes off his aviator shades that my face goes from dumb to dumbfounded.

“Marty?!!� The whole room erupts in laughter at my reaction while I try to hide my embarrassed face.

“Did you enjoy that, little one?�

“I just can’t believe it’s you, like I knew something just wasn’t right with this police officer…� I say before laughing at myself.

“Girl, you face was priceless when I told you that I was here to arrest you; that shit was hilarious.

“I hate you guys,� I joke as Marty finishes redressing.

“Now now little lady, I don’t want to have to take you down to the station,� he warns jokingly before heading to the door. “Ladies, it was my pleasure to service you all this evening; you all have a good night.� We all just laugh as we say our goodbyes and close the door behind him.

“So that was why you guys have been acting all cheesy and secretive tonight? You heffas are a trip.�

“Oh you think it’s over baby sis?� My sister says with a naughty glint in her eyes. “Trust me when I say that the night has just begun. And indeed it had, featuring appearances and stripteases by Sky dressed as Chippendale’s dancer; Eddie dressed as a delivery boy and Nick’s delicious self dressed as a fireman and boy did he succeed in making me hot…and wet. I guess the girls and guys felt like doing something silly and fun since it’s our last night in Vegas. I have never laughed so hard in all my life and believe me, I will always have great memories of this place after this weekend. It’s almost two in the morning when we leave Justin’s room. But there’s one question that’s been plaguing my mind throughout the night: Where is Justin?

I don’t bother to ask the girls and decide to let it go as we put his room back together and leave out the door. I make it halfway down the hall before I realize that I left my cell phone in Justin’s room, dammit.

“Hey sis, I’ll be right back.�

“Where you going? To Nick’s room so that he can put out your fire?� she cracks with a smile.

I laugh lightly, “No trick, I left my cell phone back in Justin’s room. I’m just going to run and see if he’s back in there.�

“Aight little one, I’ll be here.�

I nod before making the long trek back to suite 2500 at the end of the long hallway. I finally make it and knock on the door, only to find it unlocked. That’s strange and it worries me a little bit.

“Justin?� I call out. “Justin it’s Selah, I just came back to get my cell phone…are you here?� I look around the suite to see it just the way the girls and I left it, soft lights on and everything, but no Justin.

“Justin, where are you?� I call out as I walk further into the living room area. Suddenly the lights cut off and I surrounded only by the lights of the Vegas strip. Oh lord…my heart is starting to pound and I’m starting to get scared. Why isn’t he responding to me? I almost jump a hundred feet in the air when “Bed� starts bumping through the speakers. Instinctively, I start to back up and make a run for the door when I bump into a hard body. I hear myself scream for a split second before it’s swallowed by a kiss. The lips are soft yet full, especially the bottom one which I suck into my mouth. I immediately receive a moan of approval and that’s when my brain clicks back on and I pull back.

My eyes start from his neck and down to his broad shoulders. His pecs are defined, but not in the chiseled sense and I suddenly feel the urge to run my tongue over his nipples. I start to throb as I reach his rippled abdomen, thinking of how I could my wash clothes on his stomach. I hear my labored breathing as our eyes meet and right now, I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than what is standing before me.

“Did I scare you?� Justin asks quietly as he gently cups my cheek.

“Yeah you did, I mean your door was unlocked and you weren’t responding to me, then the damn lights cut off. I thought something had happened to you.�

“Look at you all worked up over me,� he says with a sweet smile and a laugh. “But I’m right here, live and in the flesh,� he winks.

“Yeah literally,� I say while breaking out of his hold. “Fool, what are you doing…and-and what was up with that kiss?� I ask nervously.

“Well, you got a dance from all of the other guys so I figured I’d give you a show too…a private one.�

I laugh, “So you’re my private dancer now?�

He steps to me with the sexiest yet serious look on his face. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do.� I think I about to pass out.

“And the kiss?�

“I’ve been wanting to taste your lips since that night in the club, it was only a matter of time before I got what I wanted,� he says as his thumb traces my bottom lip. “By the way, you taste so good.� He captures my lips with his again, kissing me with all the passion he can emit. He holds my head firmly in place so that he can control the kiss, letting his tongue slip out to request entry into my mouth. As soon as our tongues touch, my center floods and my arms go around his neck, allowing my fingers to grasp at his curls. I feel my feet leave the floor as he picks me up, wraps my legs around him and heads to the bedroom.

He breaks the kiss only to lay me down before he resumes, pulling the straps of my dress down my shoulders. Kissing the tops of my breasts, I feel him starting to harden inside of his pajama pants that are pressed against my center. His tongue finds my right nipple and I moan in pleasure as my hips buck involuntarily against him.

“Justin?� I say breathlessly.

“What do you need baby?� He asks in a deep and raspy voice filled with lust.

“Touch me.�

“You want to feel me inside you?�

“Yes,� I reply before pulling his face toward mine and bringing him into another kiss.

I soon feel his fingers trailing down my body before he reaches the bottom of my dress and bunches it up around my waist. His hands graze over my hips and slide my panties off leaving me dripping wet on the bed. His eyes bore into mine as I feel him trace my opening, making my body shiver in anticipation before slipping in the first digit. My back arches and my toes curl as I feel him brush against my g-spot.

“Nice and wet for me…just like I knew you’d be,� he whispers in my ear.

He pulls out before spreading my legs wider and slips in two this time, spreading my wetness around inside me. He doesn’t hesitate to curl his fingers in a beckoning motion and make me elicit loud moans and groans just by his touch. My heart is pounding, my thighs are shaking and my hips are rocking against his hand. Fuck, if his fingers feel this good, I know his dick could make me nut with just one stroke.

His pace is faster now and I know he can feel me squeezing and clutching his fingers. He wets his thumb with his tongue before rubbing my clit in slow circles. I sound like I’m crying because the pleasure is becoming so intense and I know that when it hits me, it’s going to hit hard. I feel the warmth of my orgasm float up from my toes and settle into my groin as the first contraction makes an animalistic scream tear from my throat. I feel the wetness of his tongue sweep over my earlobe and I’m gone; my body shakes, my head is thrown back and my eyes are squeezed shut.

I feel a tear roll down my cheek as my body comes down and slow wet kisses being placed all over my neck and collarbone. Our eyes meet before he places a kiss to my temple and nuzzles his nose against mine. His fingers leave my body and I watch as he slips them into his mouth, tasting my juices. And I think I just came again.

“I told you I’ve been wanting to taste your lips,� he says quietly as his face breaks out into a sly grin.

“Nasty ass,� I giggle in response. And before I fully process it, the words go flying out of my mouth. “Break up with her.�

His eyes shoot up from my lips to my eyes. “What?�

I don’t know where all this is coming from, but I just know that she can’t do what I can for him. “You told me that you’d do whatever I wanted you to…and if you do this, we could be free to do what we wanted and we wouldn’t have to keep sneaking around—“

“Selah, I can’t…I can’t just break up with her.�

“B-but, we like each other an-and the spark that you don’t have with her, you have with me, right?� I feel like I’m grasping at straws here and the fact that it’s like he’s taking back everything he’s ever said to me about his relationship and his feelings for me…have been a complete lie.

“Right,� he agrees while cupping my cheek. “But Selah, I care about Jessica and I…I can’t hurt her like that.�

“Well don’t you think she would appreciate the fact that you’re actually being honest about your feelings for once?� I ask as the volume of my voice increases. Suddenly I feel uncomfortable and I pull the straps of my dress up before I get up off the bed.

“Maybe,� he says moving into a sitting position on the bed. “But she’s going to know that something went on between us. I mean how would that look with me dumping her only to be seen with you?�

I think my heart just sank to my stomach and I go from being uncomfortable to being humiliated just like that. I have to get out of here before I give him the luxury of seeing me break down.

“I-I have to go,� I stutter before making a break for the door.

“Selah, Selah wait, you know I didn’t mean it like that,� he says grabbing my arm, forcing me to look at him.

“Then what the fuck did you mean? Do you understand what we are doing? Hell, what we just did? Justin, you just cheated on your girlfriend and you would rather humiliate her by pretending that you love her when you could just be honest and let it go. But no, you want to have your main piece with some chocolate on the side right?� I’m starting to get pissed now and I really wish he would let me go.

“Cut the bullshit Selah because you know it has nothing to do with that,� he replies irritably. “And you can’t say shit because while you’re trying to play house with Nick, you were just in my bed and you weren’t screaming and moaning ‘no’ when I had my fingers inside you.�

And that’s when I realize that choosing Nick over Justin was the best decision I have ever made and that I have been so stupid for fucking around with Justin when I have something so good right in front of me.

I just shake my head. “You know what Justin, you’re right; I didn’t say no and that’s what got me into this fucked up situation in the first place. But please believe that since you just said no to me, this thing between you and I is no more.�

I finally spot the thing that I originally came back for and snatch my cell phone up from the coffee table before I turn on heel and walk out the door. As I make that long trek back to my room, I start to think that maybe I was being a little irrational by demanding him to just end his relationship. I mean he’s right, Jessica would be crushed and she doesn’t deserve that. But I don’t deserve to be treated like some cheap late night creep either. I know that I can’t blame Justin for everything because I should have strong enough from the beginning, when shit started with innuendos and simple touches. But enough is enough and now that it’s over, I’m going to focus on “playing house� with Nick as Justin so eloquently put it. It may not be built on the strongest foundation of honesty and fidelity, but you know what they say: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

September 7th; Portland, Oregon

The Douglas-Fir trees and the cloudy skies of Oregon are zipping by in blur as we speed down the highway. I’m sitting by the window looking out at another new city, thinking about what it has to offer and what’s going to happen while we’re here. It’s early and after tossing and turning the whole way here, I decided to get up. My mind has been running a mile a minute for the last five days, hell I haven’t been like this since that conversation Ava and I had over Damien back in Memphis. But instead of thinking about one person, I’ve been thinking about two.

It really should be a simple decision: I should be with Nick, but no matter how hard I try commit myself to doing that, Justin and I do something that turns everything upside down. Even after our big blowout in Vegas I was so sure that Nick was the one that I wanted, but here I am five days later and I can’t get Justin off of my mind. I guess it doesn’t help that the thought of me helping him cheat on his girlfriend is weighing heavily on my mind and heart too. What the hell have I done?

“ ‘La, what are you doing out here?� My sister asks, appearing seemingly out of nowhere.

“I couldn’t sleep, besides we’re here anyway.�

“Yeah another city, another show right?�

“Yessir.� We’re quiet after that, both of us watching the city whiz by.

“What’s wrong?� my sister asks me quietly, but not moving her gaze from the window. If my sister knows anything about me, she knows when I’m upset or when something is bothering me. I could smile all day if it meant that I was hiding the pain behind it and she would still be able to see right through it.

“What you mean girl? I’m fine, just sleepy ya know?�

“Selah, you know I know when you lie,� she says as her eyes finally meet mine. And she’s right, after everything we’ve gone through together and after all she’s done for me, I can’t lie to her. Even if what I’m about to say is going to leave her pissed and disappointed in me, at least I can say that I didn’t lie about it. But just the thought of it makes two tears roll down my cheeks.

“I just don’t know what to do.�

“What do you mean? You don’t know what to do about what?�

“Ava, I’ve messed up so bad since I’ve been here,� I say while I slowly break down.

“Selah, what are you talking about? You’re starting to scare me,� she says as worry laces her usually soft face.

“Before I tell you everything, you have to promise me that although I’ve fucked up, you will listen to everything I have to say and that you’ll appreciate and understand that fact that I came and told you the truth. Please promise me that,� I whisper as two more tears spring from my eyes.

“Okay ‘La, I promise. Just tell me what’s going on.�

I sigh as I prepare myself to tell her what’s really been going on these last few weeks. “You know I like and care about Nick so much, he’s been everything that I’ve wanted in a guy and I’m so lucky to have him in my life.�

“Right,� she says cautiously.

“But Ava despite all of that, there’s…there’s been…someone else,� I stammer before lowering my gaze to the ground.

“Who?� My sister asks, seriously surprised.

I wait a breath before I meet her eyes again. “Justin.�

If I thought that I saw surprise in her eyes before, pure shock is in them now. She reregisters her face and I can tell that she wants to go off on me without even hearing the rest of the story, but she promised that she’d listen to me.

“Selah, my boss?�

I nod affirmatively. “I knew that something weird was going on between us and we hadn’t even really talked to each other. But when we were in New York and I spilled orange juice on his shirt, I knew that there was something there, more than me just having a small crush on him. It was like he knew about it and felt the same way without having to verbalize it. I mean Ava I know I sound crazy right now, but you didn’t see the way he looked into my eyes or the way that he touched me. And Nick,� I finally pause to laugh hollowly, “he knew that something was off between Justin and I because he saw us. But I made sure to cover my ass and make him believe that he’s the one I want.�

“But Selah, I don’t get how you and Justin having potential crushes on each other means you’ve fucked up.�

“Everything was fine until we went to the club,� I answer morbidly.

That’s when Ava’s face drops, “What happened at the club?�

I let my eyes glance toward the ceiling before I tell her about what happened in the VIP lounge. To most people, it wouldn’t sound like Justin and I did anything too bad, we just bumped and grinded on the dance floor. But to my sister, who has seen me dance with other guys, it’s anything but bumping and grinding. When I finish telling her about the club, she just shakes her head. But when I tell her about the bathroom incident in Montreal, her face is thrown back into pure shock and she can’t help but interrupt.

“He touched you like that? And you let him?�

“Ava, it was so fast that I didn’t know it was happening until I saw his hand leave and he was walking out the door.� I watch as she shakes her head again. I can’t tell if she’s more surprised at what’s been going with me or that fact that Justin has been acting like this and he’s a taken man.

“Okay,� she says as she slowly nods her head, “I can see how you feel that you fucked up during that situation, but that last part wasn’t your fault.�

“But what we did in Vegas was,� I say quietly, almost trance-like.

My sister’s eyes snap to mine once she hears that and my eyes start to produce fresh tears.

“What did you do?� she asks sounding terrified.

If I thought the tears were spilling before, they’re definitely coming now. “I just went back to get my cellphone,� I answer sounding defeated. “The door was unlocked and that kind of worried me so I went in to see if Justin was there, but when I called out his name I wasn’t getting any response. I thought something had happened to him until the lights cut off,� I pause remembering everything so vividly.

“Then the music cut on and I was so freaked out that I turned to run…only to bump into Justin. Ava, he wasn’t wearing anything but a pair of pajama pants and that’s when I started piecing things together. He told me that since the other guys got to dance for me, he wanted to dance for me too…privately. Well that led to us kissing…him pulling my dress down…an-and him taking my panties off and fingering me. But I guess I was so caught up in the moment that I asked him to break up with his girlfriend, only because I thought we liked each other enough and I knew what we had been doing behind Jessica’s back was wrong. I just wanted to make it right,� I trail off.

“But I guess he didn’t like me enough because he told me he couldn’t hurt her like that, and what would it look like if he dumped her just to be seen with me,� I stop as I hear myself start to cry audibly.

“He basically told me that I was a hypocrite because I was doing Nick wrong too. And that’s when I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore with him and I left. Ava, I have been so stupid. For the first time in my life I have someone who wants me, who cares about me, and takes the time to show me that…and yet, I go and just screw it all up. It’s just like with Damien only it’s a different situation, and he didn’t even want my ass! I can never get it right,� I choke out through a sob, “I just can’t ever get it right.�

I curl into myself and put my head in my hands as I let the tears flow, a buildup of the secrets I’ve been hiding, the guilt and the hurt, and bits of my past. I hate crying and after all that I’ve been through in last few years, it takes a lot for me to break down. But there are times when my wall crumbles and I let go. I soon feel my sister pull me to her body and she wraps her arms around me and cradles me as I cry. I know that she’s upset, disappointed, and worried. But I also know that she loves me that she knows I would never hurt anyone intentionally and how sorry I am and right now, that’s all I need.
***************************************************************************
The Governor Hotel, room 8313

I’ve been in the bed all day. I didn’t eat breakfast with everyone once we got to the hotel, I didn’t attend rehearsal. I didn’t even go to the concert tonight, that’s how you know I don’t want to be bothered. The only person I’ve talked to today, via text message, is my sister. My phone was blowing up with calls and text messages from all the dancers, especially Nick. But Ava must have given them some type of excuse as to why I wasn’t around. Besides, as awful as this sounds, he’s the last person I want to see or talk to right now.

It’s a little after twelve and everyone should be on their way back pretty soon. My stomach feels like it’s eating itself so I decide to call room service and order myself a late dinner. While I wait, I decide that I want to go raid the vending machine down the hall so I pull myself out of bed, grab some change and my room key, and walk out the door.

I feel so heavy yet light at the same time; light and free of all of the secrets that I let go of, but so heavy and full from all the emotions that I’m feeling right now. I finally make it to the machine, picking out a bag of Skittles, a Twix, and some Red Vines before heading back to my room…but not before I run into the last person I want to see right now. Remember how I said Nick was that particular person? As I stare into the eyes of the superstar himself, I realize that I lied.

Our eyes bore into each other’s as we stand in the hallway, saying nothing. My breathing has picked up and I feel tears burning in my eyes and threatening to fall. I need to get back to my room.

“Selah, Selah please…please, can we talk—“

“Don’t fucking touch me,� I seethe as I snatch my arm out of his grasp. He looks so hopeless when I say those words to him, but he nods his head as if he understands.

“I know that you won’t believe me…b-but I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry, for everything.�

I really don’t have anything to say to Justin that won’t result in me cursing him out or bursting into tears so I just continue making my way to my room.

“Blue,� he blurts out suddenly and it makes me stop in my tracks.

“Blue…it-it’s your favorite color. Your favorite ice cream flavor is Vanilla and you love Saturdays, you love to write poetry and short stories and you never go anywhere without your iPod.� His voice is getting closer as he lists off all these things about me, but I’ve never told him about any of that stuff so how does he know?

“Your favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast and you love pizza and high heels, even if they make your feet hurt,� he chuckles lightly.

I turn around slowly to face him. “Justin, what are you doing?�

“In the last five days I’ve just been thinking about everything; you and how we left things in Vegas, my relationship and how I’ve fucked up things so royally. But the one thing that kept bothering me was how everyone else knows all these great things about you…and I didn’t even know what your favorite color was or what you like to do in your free time. I didn’t even know anything about you. I mean yes, we have…well had this incredible chemistry and yet we went about it the wrong way. I just want to start over as friends, I want to learn about you and I want you to learn about me, not what you many think you know from all that edited bullshit you read in the magazines. It was just that every time you talked about Nick and how much you guys like each other or when I would hear him talk about how amazing you are, I…I was jealous,� he admits quietly like a little boy.

It’s quiet between us for a minute before I decide to speak. “You know when I first talked to you, I was so nervous and scared afterward and it wasn’t because I had just met Justin Timberlake, but because it was like you could read me and my thoughts without having to say a single word, that’s how well you knew me without even knowing me. It also scared me because that’s never happened to me before and I guess I didn’t know how to handle being so vulnerable in front of you without trying to hide behind some other emotion. But Justin if you wanted to get to know me, you didn’t have to be jealous…you could have just asked.�

“I know that now, I guess me trying to get under your skin was my way of doing that,� he chuckles embarrassedly before getting serious. “Look, I know you have no reason to trust me after what happened between us, but I’m willing to try if you are.�

He’s right, I don’t have any reason to trust him but at least he owned up to his bullshit and this could be the chance where I could own up to mine. But I just can’t let him back in so quickly, I mean he said some shit that really hurt me.

“Wow…you’re taking an awful long time to respond,� he laughs dejectedly. “I guess I’ll just head to my room,� he says before turning to walk in the opposite direction.

“Just…let me think about it some more…okay?� I propose, seeing him stop walking and slowly turn around to face me.

Soon the sparkle that is generally in his blues eyes appears before he offers me a small smile. “Okay. Goodnight Selah.�

“Goodnight Justin,� I respond before turning on my heel and walking to my room.

When I finally reach it, I take a seat on the bed and think about what just happened. What Justin proposed was a smart idea, something we’ve been incapable of coming up with in these last few weeks. But am I ready for him to see my all my faults, flaws, and scars from what I’ve been through? Hell, I had a hard enough time telling Nick about those things. But if Justin wants to step up to the plate I have no choice but to be ready, ready to open my heart to him and ready for him to turn my world upside down once again.

September 16th; Staples Center, Los Angeles, CA

Home sweet home…I guess. I can’t believe that it was over a month ago when I left behind everything that I knew in order to join my sister on tour and now here I am, back at square one. It feels good to actually be in a place with some familiarity to it and despite the fact that this last month has been insane with all the shit that I’ve gotten myself into, I’m sad that this leg of the tour is ending. To be completely honest, I’m also sad that this leg is requiring us to spend three days here because I want to get out of L.A. as soon as possible for one reason in particular: my mother.

When Ava first moved out of our family home and into her own apartment closer to the city, I was pissed because I knew that would give our mom an excuse to be all up in my business. But now that we’re back in our hometown, that apartment is a godsend because I really do not feel like dealing with our mother for the three days that we are here. Since we’re here however, she’s going to expect us to come see her so that we can all catch up—a.k.a. giving me the third degree on what I’ve decided to do with my life since I’ve been with Ava. I really haven’t given it much thought but I do know that in this last week, I’ve never felt more alive. For the last week I’ve been participating in the dance rehearsals as a backup dancer, one that’s going to swap in and out with the girls during some of the numbers throughout the show.

Now if my mother knew of any of this or heard the words “I want to be a dancer� come out of mouth, she’d probably cut a switch and beat my ass. She already gave Ava enough hell and I don’t think she’s ready for round two, but being taught by one the most awesome choreographers out right now, learning new things, and preparing to show it off on stage at the Staples Center…it’s better than any dream I could have come up with. Tonight is my first show and while I’m nervous as all hell, I’ve never been more excited and genuinely happy about anything in my entire life. I guess I never realized how free I feel when I dance, how even though I’ve been going through some things lately, none of that shit matters once the music starts. I think my biggest test is going to be appealing to the audience, but according to Mr. Bass he doesn’t see what there’s not to like about me.

Speaking of Nick, I think he knows that I’m keeping things from him; in fact I’m pretty sure he’s known about Justin and I since we were in New York. I know last week was particularly awful between us because I was trying to avoid him like the plague, but this week has been better overall. I can just tell when he looks at me sometimes that although we’re not official, he knows that there’s someone else. That in itself breaks my heart. I’ve always tried to be an honest person and part of me wants to tell Nick everything so that we can try to work things out and try to move forward. But there’s this other part of me that doesn’t want to tell him because as of now he doesn’t have anything to worry about. What happened between Justin and I should have never happened, but it did and I refuse to let it happen again. I can only imagine being cheated on, but if it feels anything like being the other woman then I’ll pass.

I won’t lie and say that I haven’t thought about Justin’s offer, I just haven’t given him the final answer yet. If I say no, well it’s just going to be no and we both can try to move on with our lives. But if I say yes, then I want—no need to move slowly. Do I regret what I did? Well at least not with Nick. I think I would feel different if Justin was single and not to say that it didn’t feel good…it just wasn’t right. I’ve never moved that fast with two people in my life and I know that I got way in over my head and if I decide to start over with Justin, I know that I need to calm down and stay in my lane.

“You look like you’re thinking mighty hard over here beautiful,� Nick’s soft voice interrupts my thoughts.

I smile as he takes a seat next to me during this short break that we have. “So many things to think about, the show and the choreography, what I’m going to do after this leg is over…�

“Wait, you’re not coming to Australia with us?�

“I haven’t thought much about it. I was thinking that after this was over I was just going to back here, maybe stay in my sister’s apartment and get a job.�

“Please,� he says after smacking his lips and blowing out some hot air. “You’re coming to Australia with us, we need you to go…I want you to go,� he says as his voice gets quieter.

I just stare into his sleepy blue eyes and turn to mush. Ugh, what the hell was I thinking messing around with Justin when I had this beautiful man standing right here in front of me? I give him a slow peck on the lips and intertwine our fingers, but before I can respond he starts to speak.

“Selah, I make you happy right? I mean I know that we’re not together or official or anything and there’s still more that we have to learn about each other…but I just want you to know that,� he pauses for a breath. “I’m willing to try it if you are.�

That last sentence makes my heart leap into my throat and my mind flashes back to when we were in Portland…and Justin said those exact words to me.

“But we don’t have to and you don’t have to decide right now…I just want you to know that the offer is there, okay?� He says while cupping my chin.

“Okay,� I whisper back before he pecks me on the lips. He smiles at my response.

“You look good up there and I still can’t believe that you told me you couldn’t dance,� he looks at me with some skepticism.

“I can’t, I mean training wise I am nowhere near my sister or any of you guys. Hell I just have a photographic memory when it comes to the choreography,� I giggle before getting serious. “I’m nervous as hell though.�

“Hey,� he says while turning my face to his. “You wouldn’t have been asked to do this if Justin and Marty didn’t have faith in your abilities. I mean baby you’ve beat out thousands of people who auditioned for this tour, seasoned dancers, without even trying. You’re amazing and everyone here could tell you that all day, but if you don’t believe in yourself then no else is going to either.�

Again, why did I mess around with Justin? Nick is right though, I not only have to convince everyone that I was meant to be on that stage due to my talent and hard work, but I have to convince myself of that too.

I smile at him before responding. “I think you need to write a book, a self help one at that.�

He laughs at my remark, “Self help books huh?�

“Yeah, it could be something else to add to your growing resume,� I chuckle.

“Oh shut up,� he cracks jokingly while poking my sides, making me laugh and squeal in response.

“Say it again,� I say as I calm down.

“Shut up?� He asks me puzzled.

“No silly,� I giggle. “Say baby.�

“Ohhh, so you liked that huh?� He asks me playfully. He then cups my face in his warm hands and gives me a kiss that I swear I feel all the way in my toes and makes the hairs on my neck stand on edge before finally pulling away.

“You’re going to do great tonight, baby.�

Seriously, Justin who?
************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Girls’ Dressing Room, 7:30 p.m.

Wow. That’s really all I can think or say as I stand in front of the mirror in my costume. A small smile breaks out onto my face as I take in my white corset top, embellished with rhinestones, my black low-rise pants, and my dancing boots. My hair is styled in loose body waves and my make-up is on point, shit I can’t wait to get on that stage now.

“Ms. Johanna…� I pause while talking to the tour’s costume designer. “It’s amazing, I love it. Thank you so much—"

“You’re welcome sweetheart,� she interrupts with her thick East Coast accent. “You just go out there and strut your stuff alright?�

“Yes ma’am,� I reply.

“Good. Now if you ladies will excuse me, I have to go check on the guys. Break a leg out there for me,� Ms. Johanna says before exiting the dressing room.

I turn around to the rest of the girls, “So what do ya’ll think?�

They all have genuine smiles on their faces, especially my sister.

“You look amazing little one,� Michele finally speaks up.

“Yeah, I gotta watch out for you girl,� Nanci cuts in. “You’re looking a little too good in that white corset and here I was supposed to be one of a kind,� she pouts jokingly, making reference to her white embellished vest.

“Says the girl who gets to dance all over Justin in her bra and panties,� Tammy teases.

“Yeah, and who gets hit from the back during every show,� I chime in.

“And suddenly I don’t care about my vest anymore,� Nancy says with a sly smile while the rest of us girls laugh.

“Look at my baby sister,� my sister finally speaks. “I can’t believe we’re about to do this, my—hell our dream of being on stage, dancing and seeing the world. I’m proud of you little one.�

“Now don’t be getting all mushy on me, shoot Michele spent way too much time on this make-up,� I joke before giving my sister a hug and whispering in her ear. “I’m proud of you too and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, so thank you.�

She gives me a bright smile, “I love you.�

“I love you too.�

“Hey, you guys trying to make the rounds in the arena before we have to come back here and get ready?� Michele asks.

“I’m down,� my sister pipes up while the rest of us agree.

“Cool, the guys should be out there too,� Michele replies.

I take off my costume and hang it up before slipping on some jeans and a halter top and heading out of the dressing room and into the arena. It’s already filled with screams and applause since Good Charlotte is on stage right now. Spotting the guys right away, we make our way over to them and watch as they take in my pre-performance appearance.

“Okay if you look this good now, I cannot wait to see what you are wearing on that stage,� Eddie speaks up first.

“I just thank God she’s legal,� Marty cracks causing the rest of us to laugh.

“As do I,� Nick says, finally coming into view while taking my hand and twirling me around before planting a kiss on my lips. “Baby, you look good enough to eat…then again, that can be arranged,� he says the latter part in my ear as low as possible.

“You little nasty,� I chide as I poke him in the stomach. “Don’t be saying stuff like that before the show, messing up my focus with your freaky behind.�

“You still nervous babe?�

“Um yeah,� I reply as if it should be obvious. “I haven’t had to do this every night for the last eight months, hell I haven’t had to dance for the last seven years.�

“But you know the steps right?� I nod my head affirmatively in response.

“And you’re going to kill it right?�

“Right,� I reply as a small grin slowly appears on my face.

“Then stop worrying, you’re going to do fine beautiful. Just pretend we’re in rehearsal and we’re working it out like we usually do.� He says before he moves his eyes to the stage.

I stare at him for a bit before capturing his lips with mine, loving the way his arms feel wrapped around my waist. I get lost in the way his lips taste and the chills I get up my spine when our tongues touch before I pull back, breathless.

“Damn, what was that for?� He asks into my ear.

“For keeping me focused,� I reply with a wink. He laughs lightly while giving me a sweet smile before pecking my lips again and wrapping his arms around my waist for a hug.

“Selah Denise Bernstine, is that you?�

And just like that, my happy and romantic moment is interrupted and ruined by that one question. You know how in the movies when the angels are singing and the harps are playing, and then suddenly that harmonious sound is ruined by the sound of a scratching record? That’s what my mother’s voice is like. Ava must have conveniently forgot to tell me that our mother was coming to see tonight’s show. From the look on her face right now, she was probably hoping to wait and give our mom a heart attack once the both of us got onstage, not before the show. No one is saying anything as we all just stare back at my mother, who is giving me her version of the WTF face due to my appearance and the fact that she most likely saw me trying to suck Nick’s lips of his face.

“Hey ma,� I say timidly. “How’ve you been?� I ask before reaching out to embrace her. She returns the hug, which screams, “Who is that grown ass man you just were kissing?� before giving me the once over.

“I’m fine baby girl, you look cute tonight. What you wanted to get all made up like your sister too?�

Ava and I share an uneasy glance before I answer. “Yeah, something like that…� I trail off. This has got to be the epitome of an awkward moment; especially with the way our mother is eyeing Nick right now.

“Mama, why don’t we go outside and talk since it’s so noisy in here,� Ava finally pipes up. Our mother nods affirmatively as the three of us make our way into the lobby and I prepare to have my head chewed off.

“So you excited for tonight Ms. A?� My mother asks with a grin on her face.

“Of course I am ma, there’s nothing like performing at home but then again there’s nothing like performing period,� my sister replies genuinely.

“And baby girl what do you do when she’s onstage?�

“Well I’m usually in the club pit, you know right in front of the stage and I just watch and enjoy the show.� I figure that right now is better than ever to tell her that instead of being in the club pit, I’m going to be onstage performing throughout the night.

“Tonight is a little special though so I won’t be where I usually am.�

“Oh yeah? What are you trying to get a seat next to me?�

Part of me thinks, “You wish.� “No, I’m actually not going to be sitting anywhere tonight.�

“I don’t get it,� my mother looks at me confusedly. “How are you going to see the show then?�

“I won’t need to see the show…because I’m in it. I’m going to be making my debut as dancer on this tour tonight, but only for some of the numbers.�

It suddenly gets quiet between the three of us and I watch as the confused look on my mother’s face changes to disbelief and a bit of anger, but I can tell that she’s trying to keep her temper under control.

“Well how did that happen?� My mother spits, her temper failing her before turning to my sister. “I thought I sent her away to learn some common sense, not some new dance moves.�

“Mama what do you mean common sense? Is that what you think of your own daughter?� My sister cuts in to defend me. “It’s not like Selah is some uneducated, hard-headed teen who doesn’t care about her life, she just had a tough year and everyone is not meant for college. Secondly, Selah is an amazing dancer. She is talented and has great potential to be—"

“To be what? Broke and starving? Ava you know good and well that jobs like these don’t come around everyday, hell you struggled for years just find one steady gig. Honey I understand that you love to dance and believe me when I say that because you are a beautiful dancer, but dancing doesn’t always pay the bills, it doesn’t keep food on the table, it doesn’t educate and prepare you for the real world.�

“But Ma you act like I’m just going to throw my education away and that’s not the case,� I speak up. “You know how much I value my education, but school will always be there. Besides, the tour ends in December and if I feel up to it I can go back to school in the spring. Mom, you and Ava know better than anyone how I have struggled to get myself back together and this is my way of doing it…an-and I’m really good at it. For the first time in a long time I’m doing something that makes me genuinely happy and it feels good to say that because I haven’t been happy in a long time mom.�

“Oh I’m pretty sure you are happy right now, but what are you going to do when this ends? You’re talking about going back to school in the spring, where are you going to get the money for that? Because it’s not like I have money to waste if you decide you want to go to school one day and then leave again,� she says before shaking her head and folding her arms over her chest.

I knew this was a bad idea. My mother is one of the most stubborn women I have ever known and anything that she says goes. It never helps that she always feels the need to talk down to me just because I’m her daughter either. I’m not saying that I need my mom to be my friend, but she doesn’t exactly make it easy for me or Ava to come and talk to her about things. Why can’t she just be happy for me?

“You know mom, I will never understand you. See normal mothers would actually be proud or elated at the fact that they have two talented children and that the both of them have been given the opportunity to showcase it off. But I guess I will never be good enough for you no matter what I do and honestly, I am sick and tired of trying for someone who doesn’t give a damn about me. In the last month that I have been on this tour, I have met and been embraced by this group of people who didn’t know shit about me until I got here and they have shown me more love than you have in a long time. So instead of worrying why I could never get you to love me like you do Ava or why anything that I do is never good enough, I’m going to go dance and continue to be happy—with or without you. I hope you enjoy the show,� I say before I turn to leave and make my way back to the girls’ dressing room.

I may have been out of line to talk to my mother that way, but sometimes even the people who are supposed to love you the most end up hurting you the worst and I can’t take it anymore. It’s time for me to step up, take control of my life, and have some confidence in myself and in the decisions that I make because in the end, the only person that knows what’s best for me is me. Speaking of decisions, I see the person that has been waiting on mine for the last week or more. I’m still pissed as he approaches me with a bright smile, but I’m in decision maker mode right now so I hope that what I have to say doesn’t come out too bitchy.

“Hey Selah, you ready for tonight?�

“We need to talk,� I deadpan.

“Okay,� Justin replies cautiously. Knowing that no one is the girls’ dressing room, I go in and he follows me inside.

“Look, I’ve got some things that I need to say…so just listen,� I start. “Firstly, despite everything that has happened between us since I’ve been on tour, I just want to say thank you. The last thing I expected you to do was to add me into a few numbers, let alone letting me practice with you and the rest of the dancers. You didn’t have to do any of those things so…thank you,� I finally pause.

He gives me a small smile, “You’re really talented Selah so it was an easy decision to make, but you’re welcome.�

“I’ve been thinking about what you asked me back in Portland and I remember you saying how I have no reason to trust you. And you’re right, I don’t have any reason to trust you and honestly…I don’t.�

I must get a sick thrill of playing around with this man because he looks like I just killed one of his beloved dogs.

“But,� I continue, “I’m willing to learn how to trust you…if you’re willing to do the same with me,� I say with a grin. His head snaps up in my direction at those words and his own smile mirrors mine.

“You’re a trip you know that? Shit, you had me feeling real defeated for a second,� he chuckles.

“Keeping people on their toes, it’s what I do best. But you’ll learn more about that in due time. So you ready to bring down the Staples Center, friend?� I ask while extending my hand out for him to shake.

“I’m ready if you’re ready, friend,� he replies as his massive hand swallows my little one. And as soon as our hands touch, everything that I had been worried, stressed or angry about before we talked melts away and a sense of calm rushes through me. I can honestly tell that Justin is trying to put his best foot forward without any other intentions, so I hope that he doesn’t make me regret my decision. But for once in my life, I feel confident about what I’m doing and just like when I met Michele and Nanci for the first time, I can tell that this going to be the start of something beautiful.
***************************************************************************************************************************************************
310 N. Applewood Ln. Apartment #12, 1:19 a.m.

I feel like a truck ran me over, stopped and backed over me, then ran over me again. That’s how exhausted I am, but tomorrow I have to get up and find a way to do it all over again. Even though I’m tired as hell, tonight was off the fucking chain. I think that’s why my brain is still wide awake because the adrenaline is still pumping through my veins, still making me remember every moment I was on that stage and giving it my all. If I thought the show was incredible from my point of view in the audience, then there are no words to describe how it is to be on that stage.

“Still thinking about tonight?� My sister interrupts my thoughts while standing in the doorway of the guestroom. The one good thing about being home is that we didn’t have to worry about being in a hotel for these next few days. Since I don’t want to anywhere near my mother right now, I am now calling my sister’s guestroom home.

“Yeah girl,� I say with a happy grin. “I just can’t believe I was able to be apart of that. And did you see the crowd?! Crackin’.�

My sister laughs at my remark before making her way into the bed with me. “Now you know how we feel when we’re up there. You’re right, there’s nothing like it. I’m proud of you girl,� she says after a moment.

“Yeah?� I say with a smile.

“Hell yeah,� she laughs lightly. “You worked it out, shoot you was looking like a seasoned pro out there with the rest of us.�

“Thanks A, you know that means a lot coming from you.�

“I’m also proud of how you handled things with mom. Now usually I don’t agree with disrespecting and talking back to our mother, but some of the things you said she needed to hear. You know after you walked off, she was speechless? Now you know you done did something if that woman didn’t have a word to say in response,� she laughs.

Shit, ain’t that the truth. “I just don’t understand why she couldn’t be happy for me. I mean you would think a light bulb would have went off in her head when I said that I hadn’t been happy. But since I’m ‘throwing my education away’ my ass is automatically destined for failure. I bet if I got a good paying gig like you did on this tour, she wouldn’t be saying shit; then I’d be her favorite again,� I spit irritably.

“Yeah,� Ava sighs. “That’s mom for you. But you know what I say little one, just do you. Find your own happiness, your own piece of mind, and figure out what’s best for you because at the end of the day, the only person you’ve got left is you. Yeah you and mama aren’t getting along right now, but as long as you can live with that and still be happy, then do the damn thing. She’ll come around though.�

See why my sister is the shiz-nit? “You’re right girl, you are so right,� I respond. “You know, Justin and I are trying to start over and be friends the right way this time.�

“For real? You think you two can do that after everything that’s happened between the two of you?�

“We’re going to try. He apologized to me back in Portland and tonight after I left you and mom, I told him that I was down for us being friends. I know it’s a stretch, but he seems genuine about it because the truth is, we don’t really know anything about each other since we were so wrapped up into each other physically. It’s going to be a learning process though because after Vegas, I don’t trust his ass for shit.�

Ava laughs, “I feel you. Please just go slow and take your time with him this time; I don’t need no more confessions or breakdowns like the one I saw in Portland,� she says before pausing. “What about Nick though?�

“Ugh A, that’s a whole ‘nother story. I think he knows something is up between Justin and I because today at rehearsal, he put it the offer out on the table.�

“What do you mean?�

“Girl he was asking me if he makes me happy and that even though we’re not official, that he’s putting the offer out there. He told me that I didn’t have to decide right now or even have to say yes, but that he’s willing to settle down for me. Ava he wants me to be his wifey, what the fuck am I going to do?� I huff exasperatedly.

“Damn little one,� my sister chuckles. “Well you know they say that pimpin’ ain’t easy.�

I bust out laughing and shake my head at her, “You heffa. I’m serious though A, I mean I’m happy as hell with Nick as my boo, but then Justin had to come along with his apology and his offer…a-and he had to be so cute when he was listing off the things he knew about me,� I whine before putting my pillow over my face.

“Wait, listing things that he knew about you?�

“This dude knew my favorite ice cream flavor, color, movie, hell he even knew about my fetish with high heels. I sure he talked to some of the dancers because I have never told him about any of that stuff.�

“Awww, how cute,� my sister giggles.

“Awww how cute my ass, he’s still has a girlfriend remember? I’m trying to keep that as my mantra this time or at least try to envision Jessica’s face if we start heading in some uncharted territory. And he better not try any of the cutesy or sly crap with me or else I’m out.�

“Well at least he’s trying to do the right thing ‘La, I mean it’s obvious that you’re interested in learning about him too since you’re giving him a chance. But like I said, it’s about what makes you happy.�

“I know,� I sigh. “I just hope that I don’t mess things up again by dealing with these two.� As soon as I finish my sentence, my cell starts ringing.

“Who the hell is calling you at this time?� Ava enquires.

Looking at the ID, I smile before answering. “What’s up Mr. Smooth?�

“Hey beautiful, I didn’t wake you up did I?�

“Naw, I was just chilling and talking to my sister, who was just about to go to bed right now,� I say half-jokingly.

“Ugh, it’s Nick isn’t it? Fine, I’ll leave so that you guys can cake and whatnot…but ya’ll better not be having no phone sex or any shit like that!�

“Ava!� I exclaim. “Will you get out?�

“You love me,� she says with a cheesy grin on her face before walking out and shutting the door.

“You know I do!� I yell in response. “Sorry about that,� I apologize to Nick for having to listen to my sister and I banter.

He chuckles, “It’s okay babe. So I can’t stop thinking about tonight…and how amazing you were, and how delicious you looked, and how I wish you were with me right now.�

“Look at you starting something that you can’t finish, what am I going to do with you?� I giggle.

“Starting something I can’t finish? Please girl, don’t make come sneak through your sister’s window and give you a repeat of what happened in Vegas.�

“Oh it’s like that?�

“Damn right.�

I laugh at his response, “You ‘ol pussy fiend, sitting here sounding like a damn addict.�

“I am, shit I haven’t had a hit in over two weeks…I’m starting to twitch and crap,� he says jokingly while I crack up.

Even though I was anxious about coming home, after everything that happened tonight—giving my mom a piece of my mind, making up with Justin, performing, and now talking on the phone with Nick, I’ve realized that I’ve done good for myself and that as long as I’m happy and confident in myself and the decisions that I make, everything is going to be just fine.

September 19th; Millennium Dance Studio, 10:15 a.m.

The studio is dark despite the Los Angeles sunshine that shines through the windows of the lobby. I’m surprised that no one else is here since rehearsal is supposed to start in fifteen minutes, but maybe they’re on their way. I’m actually glad that Ava and I got here before everyone else so that I can have time to do my warm up regime, but today I feel like warming up a little bit differently. I hope no one comes in and kicks my ass for touching the equipment as I make my way over to the elaborate stereo system, hoping to find a jack for my iPod. Thankfully finding one, I turn on the main power source and hook up my iPod before finding the song I’m looking for and pressing play.

The studio is suddenly filled with the sounds of people’s voices and other noise in the background, but the soft guitar riff outweighs all of that. I take off my oversized sweatshirt, revealing my tank top underneath, and remove my sneakers and socks before I do a quick run though of some stretches. Although it was never released and I managed to find a pretty good quality bootleg version of it, I have always loved this song. Just something about it instantly puts me at ease, makes me feel fluid and languid, it makes me feel sexy. Maybe it’s the lyrics:

A vision of you girl, across the room
A club full of people, all I see is you
You're making eyes, you realize that I'm watching you
It's so hard to believe you could beckon me from across the room

I leisurely move my body around the middle of the room, absorbing the lyrics through my head and throughout my body before launching into pirouettes that mimic the crescendo in the guitar, just before he sings the chorus.

You softly kill me, with just your mere words 'hello'
This may sound a bit crazy, but maybe I just wanted you to know

His voice is like a whisper against my skin as my movements become bigger and I give myself to the floor. I close my eyes and get caught up in the way he breathlessly sings the background vocals, not paying attention to what I look like in the mirror or making any conscious decision on the movements I’m making. I’m just doing what I feel.

You strangely seduce me, with just the way you say hello
This may sound quite forward, but honey
Is there somewhere we can go?

This song would have been the shit if he had put it on his first album. Since we’re on the friendship tip now, I’m going to have to ask him about that; hell he’ll probably wonder how I even know about this song in the first place. The majority of this latest album pertains to sex but to me, there is nothing sexier than this song. To me it’s four minutes and forty-seven seconds of ecstasy that makes me melt away on the inside.

Normally I just handle me, I don't act this wild
But there's something bout, the way you smile at me
I feel like a child…

I smile at the irony of those words because it’s as if he’s speaking directly to me. I never would have thought that anyone I liked would return my feelings, let alone Justin Timberlake. It takes me back to Montreal when we first admitted how we felt about each other, I felt like a little girl who was admitting her crush.

And when you said ‘hi’, I almost lost my mind from the sound of you
I can tell you're kind, you wanna throw out a sign
But you don't wanna be rude

But it’s clear that where we are right now, with each other and in our relationships with other people, is where we’re supposed to be. He may be the “safer� bet, but it’s more than that when I’m with Nick; it’s the little things that he says and does that show me that he is what I’ve been missing. I guess that’s why they say patience is a virtue because I know that I have waited long enough only to be turned away and have my heart broken countless times by dudes who didn’t give a damn. But maybe it was some higher source trying to prepare me for the man with the beautiful sleepy blue eyes and the shy smile. If that’s the case, Nick sure is worth the wait.

“And that’s why you’re a dancer on this tour,� a smooth, deep voice interrupts my thoughts. I already know the owner of it without having to look for it, but I look to see Justin standing in the doorway with his arms folded over his chest anyway. I’m a little embarrassed that he caught me dancing to one of his songs despite the compliment, but I just give him a small smile and run to turn the music off.

“I haven’t heard that song in so fucking long, how do you know about it?� He asks while slowly walking over to me.

“Well I’m afraid that if I told you that, you’d probably have to sue a lot of people in return, and I’m not prepared to give you all the money I don’t have so let’s just say I have my ways,� I say with a sly grin.

He just laughs that deep, rich laugh that seems to vibrate in his chest. “Ways huh? I guess I’ll have to find out more about these so-called ‘ways’ of yours later. But where did you learn how to move like that?�

“That? Oh, I wasn’t even doing anything special…I was just fucking around, freestyling if you will.�

“Well when I freestyle, my shit don’t look like that,� he laughs. “You were just so focused, but in the sense that it didn’t look like you were trying too hard. It looked natural…beautiful even,� he says the last part quietly. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s trying not overstep our boundaries of friendship so soon, so I just offer him a warm smile.

“Thanks Justin, I appreciate it.�

We fall into a comfortable silence before I look over at the door and see Marty and Nick walk in. I have this incredible urge to go run and jump into Nick’s arms, but I figure actually walking over to him would suffice. Making my way over to him, I wrap arms around his neck and place a soft, but lingering kiss to his lips before pulling back.

“Mmmm, good morning to you too,� he says lowly while holding me tight in his arms. “What were you and Justin doing in the dark?�

“Oh I was just freestyling to warm up and he walked in, so we started talking.�

“You should ask her to freestyle for you sometime man,� Justin pipes up. “She’s incredible.�

“Oh I bet, especially if she moves anything like she does on stage,� Nick replies before kissing me on the cheek. I can’t help but notice how hard Justin is trying not to stare while Nick and I cake with each other, but at least he’s trying.

“Ugh, it’s 10 in the morning. Do you guys ever stop kissing or touching each other?� My sister grimaces as she; Michele and Dana make their way into the studio.

“Sis, is that Hater-ade you sippin’ on? What flavor you got? Bitter?� I crack while everyone laughs and ooohs.

“Okay, don’t make everyone have to witness you getting a beat down. I doubt Nick will be quick to kiss those lips after they get busted up,� she retorts jokingly.

“Who says I would be kissing those lips?� He whispers in my ear before quickly walking over to the stereo.

“Perv!� I shout out before everyone turns and looks at me with questionable looks on their faces. “Ya’ll don’t even want to know,� I say before laughing as the rest of the crew joins us, we take our places and start to rehearse.
******************************************************************************************
Staples Center, 5:47 p.m.

You would think I’d notice how huge this place is since I’m from L.A. and I frequent the Staples Center quite often. But as I sit up in the 200 level and look around at all the empty seats that are going to be filled in about two hours, I slowly start to take it all in.

The Eagles start to fill my ears as I take time out to focus and start to get my head right for tonight. Sitting here also gives me time to put me into perspective as I think about where I’ve been from just a month ago to where I am today. Before I got here I was a college dropout with no job and nothing to call my own. Now in the course of 30 plus days I’ve seen more of this country than I have in my entire life, I got a boo, and I’m dancing for one of the most popular and talented artists in the industry right now. And just when I thought shit had hit the fan, life is looking real good right now…well despite the somewhat sad lyrics of this song. It’s still one of my favorites though, one that I know word for word.

Look at us baby, up all night
Tearing our love apart…
Aren't we the same two people who live through years in the dark
Ahh…

I’ll admit, I don’t know too much about The Eagles or their music. But there’s something about this song and “Hotel California� that puts me in a zone where I’m oblivious to everything and everyone and I just close my eyes and sing.

Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can't tell you why…

But as soon as I open my mouth to sing the next verse, I’m cut off by his silky tenor voice.

When we get crazy,
It just ain't right,
Girl I get lonely too
You don't have to worry
Just hold on tight…
'Cause I love you

I can’t help but smile at his intrusion as he takes a seat next to me and takes my iPod out of my hands.

“Questions,� he starts off.

“Oh so there’s more than one?� I ask with a grin.

“Three to be exact. What are you doing up here all alone? What are you doing singing The Eagles? And what are you doing singing?�

“Okay,� I laugh lightly, taking back my iPod from him and turning it off. “I was trying to have some ‘me’ time and get focused for the show, so that’s why I’m all the way up here. Secondly, what do you think I listen to? Just rap, r&b, and all that other bullshit they play over and over again on the radio? I will have you know that I am quite the eclectic so that’s what I’m doing singing The Eagles. And, I like to sing…ok?� I look at him with a faint smile.

He laughs quietly at my explanation before nodding his head. “Okay, all that is understandable. So since you’re quite the eclectic, who are some of your favorite singers?�

“Psh, we’d be up here all night if I went through my favorites. But off the top of my head right now I’d have to say Patti, Aretha, Gladys, Stevie, Christina, Al Green—"

“Al Green? Okay now what you know about that?�

“Boy please, Al has the cuts. When I get married ‘Let’s Stay Together’ is going to be the song my husband and I dance to on our first dance and ‘Love and Happiness’ is the truth,� I say, nodding my head for emphasis.

“I feel you on that, he’s one of my favorites too. What about Donnie Hathaway?�

“I know he’s a classic, but I’ll be honest…I’m not too familiar with his work,� I admit quietly.

He looks at me with a serious face and shakes his head, “You poor child.�

“Shut up,� I laugh as I playfully shove him. “He wasn’t played very often in my house when I was growing up.�

“So you learned how to sing by listening to those people?�

I look away from him when he asks that. My voice, as well as my ability to dance, is one of secrets. I don’t like to share it or talk about it with anyone.

“Selah? Did I say something wrong?� Justin asks, puzzled by my reaction.

“Naw, it just brought up some old feelings,� I respond quietly before pausing. “When I was like three or four years old, I had two goals: I wanted to be entertainer and I wanted a Grammy, sound familiar?� I ask him jokingly.

“Very,� he chuckles in response.

“I remember The Bodyguard had came out around that time and I was a huge Whitney fan, it was ridiculous. I always had this ability to remember the lyrics to a song after hearing it maybe one or two times so my grandmother had gotten the soundtrack to the movie and had me learn all the songs,� I laugh. “Then she recorded me singing the entire soundtrack on a cassette. Do you know that she still plays that tape ‘til this day?�

“I think I’m going to need a copy of that,� he says jokingly as I throw him an evil look.

“I sounded a hot mess, but I was determined and I knew what I wanted out of life. I kept singing, as I got older, especially when Pop music seemed to explode…but my mom didn’t think that my dream of having a career as singer would get me very far so now I just sing when I’m by myself and no one else can hear me. I danced for almost ten years too, but I was still taking the same class so I eventually quit that too. I mean I knew that type of shit was expensive for us, but it was like she didn’t want me to progress at anything I wanted to do; hell after I stopped dancing all I did was go to school and come back home. My sister got everything she wanted though…until she changed her major in college from business to dance. My mom wasn’t too happy about that, but at least she graduated and made something of herself.�

“Hey, look at me� he says softly as I meet his eyes. “Look I heard that your mom didn’t take too well to you being a dancer on the tour, but if she wants to be upset with anyone, then she can talk to me. Now I’m not going to lie to you when I say that your sister is one of the best dancers I’ve seen in a long time; she’s sick as hell. But so are you and I wouldn’t have offered you this opportunity if I didn’t think that was the case. Selah, you’ve got to stop worrying about everyone else and what they think about you because it’s only going to hold you back, especially if you passionate about something you love. You think I wasn’t scared shitless about leaving the guys and stepping out on my own? But I got over my fears real quick because I’m passionate about what I do; I love what I do. When you feel that way about something or someone, no one can stop you.�

I can see it in his eyes too, the passion, and he’s not even on stage right now. It’s a beautiful to see someone like that, who lives and breathes their craft, especially someone as talented and creative as Justin.

“Sorry, I guess I kind of got a little too into it huh?� He laughs lightly as I smile back at him.

“Naw, you were just speaking from the heart and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re right though about me not caring about what others have to say about me, especially if it’s negative. It’s something I’m working on, slowly but surely.�

“Well good, because I’m not going to lie to you when I say…you look really good up there,� he says with a grin.

“Look at you trying to butter me up like some toast,� I say jokingly.

He cracks up at my remark before speaking. “I’m serious…Nick is a lucky man too.�

I look down at my hands in my lap before meeting my eyes with his again. I can tell that he has more to say about that particular subject, but he wanted my friendship and that’s all I’m giving him this time around.

“You want to head back down there?� I ask while I stand up to leave.

“Yeah, I better start getting myself ready,� he says, standing up as well.

We make our way toward the exit before I stop and turn to him. “I know this is going to sound redundant, but—"

“You’re welcome,� he cuts me off with a smile. And just like he sings in his song, he knows…he knows.

September 25th; Sacramento, California

I feel his soft lips against my neck, alternating between quick, chaste pecks and warm, lingering wet kisses. His lips make their way to the spot just underneath my right ear; the spot that makes my toes curl with one touch…the spot that makes me throb. The tip of his tongue peaks out to touch it before slowly laving the area and replacing it with another wet kiss.

I pull my bottom lip between my teeth as my hands make their way into his hair, running my fingernails along his scalp. Soft moans escape my lips as he continues his ministrations to my neck and his fingertips graze up and down my sides. The contrast between his warm hands and the cool air gives me goosebumps along my naked skin. But when he brings our chests flush against each other’s, I’m warm again, reveling in the feeling of his sculpted pecs and the bumps and grooves of his abdomen.

He’s beautiful and I don’t have to see it to believe it. I can tell just by the way that his strong body and soft, warm skin feels against mine. It not only feels good, it feels right and it starts to feel even better as his fingertips leave my sides and make their way down my body and nestle themselves between my folds. Teasing me by tracing around my awaiting bud, I gasp as one of his gorgeous digits slips inside my warmth only to be joined by a second one soon after that.

My juices start to flow and cover his fingers as he takes his time and my heart starts to race in anticipation at how thick and swollen he is against my thigh. Knowing that it’s me that has made him this way and that I’m craving to feel even more of what he can give me, I suck his earlobe into my mouth as my small hand wraps around his hardened arousal.

“Baby…please,� I whisper breathlessly as a sign to let him know that I’m ready. He doesn’t say a word as his kisses stop and his hand replaces mine, giving himself a slow stroke before placing himself at my entrance. I squeeze my eyes shut as I feel him slide inside my juicy walls, which start to contract as soon as he’s buried to the hilt.

“Fuck,� I groan out in ecstasy before he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and sets a sensuous pace with his hips. Damn his stroke has me ready to bust and he’s barely even started. The sensations of his thickness stretching and creating a delicious friction inside of me, his fluid hips working against mine, and his lips nibbling and sucking my lips contribute to my increased cries of pleasure. My hands look to grab for anything within reach: his back, his arms, his hair. They finally rest against his lower back, aiding him as he works me deeply.

I don’t want to cum yet because he feels so good, but the way that his pelvic bone is grinding against my clit is making it so that I won’t get my wish.

“Say it,� I hear him whisper in my ear. “I want to hear you say my name baby.�

I finally open my eyes and met with a sea of dark blue mixed with passion and lust. I’m instantly captivated and drawn in by them, so much that I seem to forget his request—especially since I feel the first my orgasmic waves crashing into me.

“Say it baby,� he begs me breathlessly before he groans passionately. “Fucking say it…�

It’s like his name is stuck in my throat and nothing else will come out except for my loud moans and groans. I bite my lip to try to calm myself down but that’s when I feel the second wave crash into me, causing my body to jerk violently.

“Baby…say it,� he hisses as hips move like lightening against me. But all I can see are his blue eyes as my orgasm finally washes over me; making my entire body vibrate and pulse underneath him, so powerful and vivid that I hear it and feel it buzzing in my ears.

When I come down from my high, I’m drenched in sweat…and I turn off my alarm clock that’s been going off for the last few minutes. Shit, that’s third time I’ve had that dream in the last week and it’s starting to freak me out, mainly because I never see his full face or recognize his voice; I only focus on his eyes. There are two things I’ve picked up on though: the guy always has blue eyes and the dream always ends before I can say his name. But what’s really bothering me is that there are two men in particular in my real life that I’ve been somewhat sexually involved with and that have blue eyes. Damn, I hope this isn’t omen or some bull like that but if it is, I hope it’s with the right blue-eyed man. Maybe my dream doesn’t have to do with Nick or Justin at all; maybe it’s my brain subconsciously trying to tell me that getting brain isn’t cutting it anymore.

But am I ready for sex? I mean I haven’t even accepted Nick’s offer even though I act like I have, and having sex with Justin is completely out of the question, especially since he’s not single. Ugh, maybe my hormones are just out of whack; it has been awhile since Nick and I fooled around…maybe I need to indulge him.

Tonight is a special night for the tour anyway: it’s the last North American stop. I’m still not definite about going to Australia, but I’m slowly leaning toward yes. Besides, I probably never will have the opportunity to go “down under� again, but I still have to think about it. Until then, I’m going to go take a shower…a cold one.
*******************************************************************
Arden Fair Shopping Center, 1:45 p.m.

“Hey sis, can I talk to you about something?� I ask my sister as we make our way into Bath & Body Works.

“Anything,� she replies while browsing at the various lotions and body creams.

I sigh before I speak. “How did you know if you were ready for sex?�

Ava’s head snaps in my direction with a look of shock on her face. “What would make you ask that Selah?�

I just shake my head. “Nevermind…it’s nothing. Just forget that I even asked,� I say before walking off to another part of the store.

“Oh no,� my sister follows me. “You wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t important and if you weren’t thinking about it. Look I know you’re going to do what you want to do because it’s your life, but what’s going on girl?�

I roll my eyes, “Look I realized that I don’t want to talk about this in here, let’s go outside,� I say before taking her by her wrist and dragging her to a bench outside of the store.

I can feel my sister’s eyes burning a hole into me as I sit in silence, trying to find a way to express my thoughts.

“Selah, you’re still a virgin right?� My sister asks me quietly.

My eyes grow as big as saucers, “Yes!� I exclaim.

“Okay…I’m just checking, shit I don’t know what you and Nick be doing.�

“Well we haven’t done that,� I say before sighing. “Look, I’ve been having this dream where I’m asleep—naked—and then I wake up to some guy kissing and sucking on my neck. Ava, you don’t even understand, like he touches me, teases me and pleases me until I can’t take it anymore. I finally beg him to…to slip it inside and when he does, it’s like…� I pause, taking a second to think about my recurring dream. Shoot, if I don’t stop I might bust a nut right here on this bench a la When Harry Met Sally.

“But then like mid stroke, he starts asking me to say his name and he keeps asking me to say it over and over again…but I don’t know his name, it’s like it wants to come out of my mouth but it never does. I can never see his full face or recognize his voice; all I can see are his eyes, which are blue. And then to top it all off, the dream ends while I’m in the middle of busting a nut!� I exclaim while throwing up my hands. My sister has a laugh on that part.

“So let me get this straight, you’ve been having a recurring sex dream with some guy with blue eyes and you never get to nut?�

“That’s just half of the problem. Ava who do we know that I’ve been around lately that has blue eyes?�

She takes a minute to think about my question before I see the recognition that hits her eyes. “Oh Lord…�

“You see why I’m all confused and shit?� I reply.

“Well little one, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re ready to have sex. I mean you’ve had two very attractive men on your jock these days, not to mention Nick eating you up like Thanksgiving dinner,� she chuckles. “Maybe it’s just your hormones or something.�

“That’s what I thought too, but that whole ‘say my name’ thing just didn’t sit right with me. I just hope that’s not sign of things to come.�

“Well if it is, I hope you actually get to,� my sister cracks before busting out laughing.

“You know what, I don’t like you,� I say with a serious face.

“Okay, okay I’m sorry little one,� she calms down. “But in all seriousness, if you’re unsure or not ready, then you’re not ready. I know it doesn’t seem like this coming from where we come from, but losing your virginity is a big deal and you want to do it with the right person, not with Mr. Right Now. I mean I know you and Nick care a lot about each other, but you haven’t even decided on whether or not you want to cement the deal with him. And Justin? Child you must be crazy to even consider him as an option right now. Besides, I thought you guys were friends?�

“We are and nothing more, I’m just thinking of possible people. And you’re right; he’s not an option…I don’t need a repeat of what happened because I couldn’t keep my legs closed around him. I just wish I knew what that dream means and why I keep having it.�

“I wish I could help you. But I do know one thing; I want you to slow down when it comes to those two. You’re usually the indecisive one out of the two of us and yet you’ve been going a hundred miles per hour with these guys that you’ve just met. You need to pace yourself. Now there’s nothing wrong with some instant attraction, but don’t mistake that for what’s real okay?�

And once again, my sister is right. I know I’ve been saying that I need to slow down, but as they say actions speak louder than words. I think the reason why I haven’t given Nick an answer is because I am afraid of mistaking our physical attraction for “real� feelings. It’s obvious that I have a tendency to do that. I’m not trying to put the blame on anyone else, but I think my fear is also what led me to mess around with Justin. But since that situation was a dud maybe I’ve been afraid of the wrong thing, I mean I highly doubt that Nick would ask me to be with him without having any merit behind it; that’s just not the type of person he is. Besides, Justin and I are friends now so I guess I should take that as a sign to keep moving forward with Nick right?

Suddenly a pair of hands covers my eyes. “Guess who?� The voice whispers in my ear.

I already know who it is, he’s so silly yet completely adorable at the same. “Hmmm, do you have a gorgeous pair of blue eyes?� I ask.

“Yes…� Nick replies in his normal voice.

“And full pouty lips?�

“I haven’t heard any complaints.�

“What about a delicious, sculpted body?�

“No complaints about that either,� he chuckles.

“Hmmm…Ryan Phillipe?� I crack before my sister and I break out into the giggles. Pulling Nick’s hands from my eyes, I see him giving me an evil look.

“Aww, I’m just kidding babe,� I say while standing up to give him a hug and nuzzling my nose against his. “Forgive me?� I ask with a cheesy smile.

“Mmmhmm,� he responds before dropping a kiss on my nose. “Just don’t be mad if the name Beyoncé comes out of my mouth.�

“I wouldn’t, I’d take it as a complement. But don’t get cute,� I retort jokingly.

“Pshh woman, I already am,� he jokes. I just laugh and shake my head at him before giving him a soft peck. I love moments like this with him. The more I think about it, the more I can see myself with him and since he’s so willing to do so, maybe it is time that I hand my heart over to Nick and let him hold on to it. If he can hold on to it like the way he’s holding me in his arms right now, I know that for the first time in a long time, I won’t have to worry about a thing.
*****************************************************************************
ARCO Arena; Girls’ Dressing Room, 7:15 p.m.

“Jake Gyllenhaal…�

“No girl, Orlando Bloom!�

“Both of ya’ll know good and well it’s all about Skateboard P, a.k.a Mr. Pharrell Williams thank you very much.�

I just giggle to myself while the girls argue over who’s the most delicious man in Hollywood as we get ready for our last show. I can’t believe it’s going to be a month before I get to travel again, dance on stage, or hear the same songs that have been stuck in my head for the last month or more. Yeah, I decided that I’m going to go to Australia but I haven’t told anyone about my decision yet. My hope is that Justin and Marty will still want to include me in the show, but I guess I’ll have to talk to one of them about that soon. Until then I’m just going to enjoy tonight, starting with our nightly ritual of pre-show girl talk.

“Little one, who’s your celebrity dream man?� Tammy asks, interrupting my thoughts.

“Ya’ll know my sister likes her some vanilla-chocolate swirl,� Ava cracks while the rest of the girls and I laugh.

“Shut up A! I think Channing Tatum is delicious; I fell in love after I saw Step Up. But Ryan Phillipe makes me moist on sight,� I giggle as the girls agree and laugh with me. “That body and those lips, and he got booty for white boy? Shit, he better have the police on speed dial if he ever meets me because I’m going to jail for some sexually based offenses.�

“Mmmhmm girl, he is fine like aged wine,� the girls and I suddenly hear from outside of the dressing room in a mock female voice. Simultaneously, we all start cracking up.

“Justin, you out there eavesdropping on us?� Dana asks.

“Maybe…� he replies with a smile in his voice. “I was actually wondering if I could talk to Selah for a second.�

My heart quickens as the girls’ eyes land on me. “I’ll be right out okay?� I yell loud enough so that he can hear me.

“Alright, take your time.�

“Oooh, you’re in trouble,� Nancy teases.

“Please, for what?�

“Probably because he heard you didn’t pick him as your celebrity dream man,� my sister jokes before the other girls laugh.

“Ha ha ha trick,� I reply while smacking her on the butt. “When you end up tripping on stage, don’t say I didn’t warn your ass,� I retort playfully before making my way out of the dressing room. I spot Justin right away, talking to one of the crewmembers. His eyes flit over to me before he excuses himself and makes his way over.

“What up foo’ ?� I greet him jokingly.

He chuckles, “Another question…�

“What’s with you and all these questions? I mean am I on trial here?� I continue my silly charade.

“You might as well be; you my friend have committed a crime against me. In fact,� he says as he pretends to sniffle pitifully, “You’ve hurt my feelings.�

I giggle at his lame attempt to be sad before crossing my arms over my chest, “Awww…and what did I do to the baby?�

“How come I don’t have your number?� He asks before poking out his bottom lip.

I give him a playful glare. “You drug me out the dressing room just for that? Everybody else has my digits—"

“Which is exactly why I’m hurt,� he replies like a little boy who can’t get his way. “I thought we were friends and friends have each other’s numbers so that they can call each other and—"

“Harass my black ass,� I interrupt him with a grin. “What do you really want my number for Justin? And if I do decide to give it to you, don’t be trying to be on that late-night-creep shit, calling me at some ungodly hour…I already got somebody for that.�

He rolls his eyes playfully, “Yeah, yeah I know the nighttime is reserved for Nick, but would if I need someone to talk to? Someone that isn’t my mom, my cousin Rachael, or Jessica? Would if I just want to talk and maybe chill with my homie?� He asks with a sugary sweet smile.

“You are a mess Mr. Timberlake,� I say, shaking my head even though I’m grinning. “Now listen because I’m only going to say this once…(310) 313-1831, you got it?�

“Got it,� he says with a satisfied smile.

“And remember what I said, don’t be calling me all the time or at crazy times during the night. And don’t be flooding my inbox up with hella text messages okay?�

“Damn, did everybody else have to go through this screening process?�

“Nope…but that’s because I trusted them,� I say with a serious face before a smile takes over.

“Awww man, that’s cold blooded Ms. Selah,� he says while clutching his chest. “Who would have known that you could be so bitchy.�

I raise an eyebrow at him, “Well someone once told me and I quote, ‘you Ms. Bernstine are one bad bitch.’ I’ll see you on stage Justin,� I say before walking back to the dressing room and leaving him smiling at the memory of us and the infamous orange juice incident in New York.

September 28th; Millennium Dance Studio, 11:26 a.m.

It’s been three days; three days since our last show, three days since he asked for my phone number…and three days since he almost sent me and the rest of the females in ARCO arena into cardiac arrest. Now many would think that I had already experienced and savored the beauty of Justin’s body back in Las Vegas, but it was dark remember? Plus, I wasn’t giving a damn about him being half naked when he was giving me my fourth orgasm in two days. But when he decided to whip his t-shirt off at the end of the concert on Sunday, I think my brain short-circuited…until I felt Nick tap me on my shoulder. Lord I hope that he didn’t catch me drooling over Justin like a damn dog, but he hasn’t brought it up so maybe he didn’t see anything. It was a clear mistake on my part; I mean I shouldn’t have been staring at my friend like that especially with Nick around. I would just appreciate it if sex wasn’t running through my mind all throughout the day…and if Justin kept his clothes on from now on.

“Upgrade U� by Beyoncé blares through the studio speakers as I watch my sister go over the routine she created for the dance workshop she and the other girls are having once we get to Australia. I finally made my decision and told my sister that I’m going with them. Now let’s just hope that Justin wants me to come along as well. The routine is clean, precise, and still has that bit of flair in typical Ava fashion as she goes through the steps as if it were natural. I smile watching her before she hits the stop button and the music cuts off.

“That looks hot sis,� I say as she makes her way over to me.

“Yeah? I’m still working through the kinks, but I think I have it just about where I want it. You should go over it with me after I take a breather.�

“I don’t know a lot of it, but I’ll try.�

“You’re a fast learner, you’ll pick it up,� she says before taking a sip of her Powerade.

“So what are we up to after this?�

“Well I think after we all go back home and freshen up, we were going to go grab some lunch. Why, do you have plans with your honey or something?� She giggles in reference to Nick.

“We might do dinner and a movie, but we haven’t decided yet so he told me to just call him.�

“Awww, look at my sister about to go on her first date; ya’ll so cute.�

I chuckle, “Yeah, now you think so. Remember when he and I first met and you slammed the door in his face?�

“That’s because he was trying to get fresh and didn’t even know who the hell you were. But deep down, I knew that Nick was a good guy with a good heart. Even in this short amount of time, I can tell that he really likes you ‘La. You given any more thought to his offer?�

“Yeah…I have actually,� I say with a shy smile. “In fact I think while we’re in Australia, I’m going…to say yes.�

“Really?�

I nod affirmatively. “I know I haven’t really been dealt the best hand in relationships or in love in general, but I’m willing to take a gamble on this one.�

My sister gives me a cheeky smile before placing a kiss on my forehead. “Well you know if you’re happy then I’m happy, so go on and get your man girl.�

“Thanks A.� Suddenly my cell starts to ring and I check the ID, only to see a number that I don’t recognize, but with a California area code.

“Someone you don’t know?� Ava inquires.

“Yeah, but I’m going to answer it anyway, I’ll be right back,� I reply before getting up and walking out into the lobby.

“Hello?� I answer evilly with some confusion.

“Do you always answer your phone with that much attitude?� The person on the line asks me.

“I answer it however the hell I want to when I don’t know who it is that’s calling. Now who the hell is this?�

“Dang friend, I was just calling to see what was up with you but noooooo, you had to get all mad black woman on me…�

I start to crack up once I realize who it is. “Justin? Is that you?�

“The one and only. What are you up to on this fine Friday morning?�

I giggle, “I’m actually at Millennium with the girls right now going over some choreography. What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be buried in the sheets of your bed right now and catching up on some sleep?�

“You know ‘sleep’ isn’t even a word in my vocabulary, besides how can I afford to sleep when I want to hang out with you?�

I raise an eyebrow on that part, “Hang out…with me? Justin, where’s your girlfriend? Why you can’t hang with her or any of your other friends?�

He sighs, “Well damn, I didn’t know that the thought of hanging out with me was that awful,� he retorts harshly. Great, in just a matter of seconds our conversation has gone from pleasant to downright shitty.

“Justin,� I sigh, “You know I didn’t mean it like that and…I’m sorry alright?�

“Selah, I’m trying here, really trying and I know that this friendship shit is new to us based off of what happened before. But what’s the point if you’re not going to open up to me? Trust me even? Look, I just wanted to get something to eat and have some nice conversation, that’s all.�

I’m quiet for a moment as I think about what he just said. I guess he has a point, I mean we are trying to start over and get to know each other better. Despite my qualms, the least I could do is meet him halfway.

“Pick me up at 301 North Applewood Lane, apartment number twelve. I’ll be ready at one, okay?�

Even though I can’t see him, I can tell that he’s smiling. “Okay, I’ll see you then.�

“Hey…� I say quietly.

“Yeah?�

I sigh before I speak. “I know you’re trying…I’m trying too, okay?�

“Okay.�
***************************************************************************
Downtown Manhattan Beach, California, 1:45 p.m.

There were a few things I didn’t expect when Justin came to pick me up for lunch. For example, I didn’t expect him to pick me up in his monster truck of an SUV nor did I expect the hug he gave me when I answered the door. I didn’t expect the plethora of compliments on how nice I looked in my sundress and when he asked me where I wanted to go eat, and I told him I didn’t care as long as it wasn’t somewhere bourgeois, I didn’t expect him to drive all the way here. But here we are, strolling in comfortable silence…and I didn’t expect that I would have to try so hard to fight the smile that’s on my face right now.

“What you cheesin’ for?� He turns his head to face me while interrupting my thoughts.

“Nothing, it’s just…are you going to be okay out here with all these people and no protection? I mean this is nice and all, but I’m not trying to be on the cover of Star tomorrow morning.�

He laughs lightly, “What? You don’t want to be known as ‘Justin’s new leading lady’ or ‘Secret love’?�

“At the rate we were going, those tabloids might have actually gotten something right,� I chuckle.

“Yeah…but at the rate that one of us is going at now, who knows if we’ll ever be anything.�

“Oh is that supposed to be a stab at me?� I raise an eyebrow at him. “You begged me to spend time with you and here I am and now you want to act like I’m not making an effort? Okay Timberlake, I got you,� I smirk while walking ahead of him.

“Awww come’re girl,� he says jogging to catch up with me. “You know I’m just messing with you.� He grabs my hand and encloses it with his and my heart starts to race from the contact. I look down at our joined hands and take a moment to revel in the feel of his strong, beautiful, hand holding onto mine before my browns meet his blues. Is it bad that a little part of me doesn’t want to let go? But as we look back down and share a nervous laugh, I think it’s best that I let that thought and his hand go.

“So…what are you in the mood for?� He asks as we continue walking and a variety of eateries come into view.

“You know, to be honest I’m really in the mood for some ice cream.�

“Really? You sure you don’t want any actual food?�

“Yeah…besides we could take our ice cream and eat it on the beach, what do you say?�

He smiles, “I’d say that sounds perfect.�
*****************************************************************************
Damn Cold Stone is so good, bad for my health, but too delicious for me to even care. Finding a fairly hidden spot on the sand, Justin and I watch the waves crash against the shore as we devour our cool treats. I shake my head as I look over at his Like It sized cup of “Berry Berry Berry Good,� comparing it to my Love It sized cup of “Strawberry Banana Rendezvous�.

“You know, you’re making me feel fat,� I say, interrupting our silence.

He chuckles while raising an eyebrow at me, “What?�

“You would have to get the smallest size of probably the healthiest signature creation that they have on the menu.�

“Well I’ll be honest, I’m not that big on sweets but I like to indulge every now and then.�

“Awww, well if you didn’t want ice cream we could have went somewhere else. Lord knows I shouldn’t be eating this my damn self,� I laugh lightly.

“We’re indulging for the day. That just means tomorrow we'll do fifteen minutes of cardio, followed by an intense abs, thighs, and buns workout,� he says, mocking a woman’s voice while I burst out into the giggles.

“So Ms. Bernstine, tell me about yourself; tell me some things about you that I don’t know.�

“Well…I’m Selah. I’m a Pisces, I like long walks on the beach, Saturdays, combination pizza…�

He laughs at my silly introduction, “Come on, be serious.�

“Alright, I’m 19, born and raised in Inglewood. Despite that, my mother spent the amount of what a typical car would cost on my private school education from first through twelfth grade. Even though I wanted to get as far away from California as possible, I ended up at UC Berkeley after being rejected from my dream school—"

“And where was that?�

“Vanderbilt,� I smile shyly.

“Aha, so no wonder why you like Tennessee boys…� He says with a grin.

“Please, I like the city of Nashville thank you very much. I mean I wasn’t there for long, but it looked like so much fun and the people were so nice…sometimes I think that I was born in the wrong place.�

“Well Tennessee is a great place, not that I’m biased or anything,� he jokes. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to leave your home, but you have to remember that’s just what it is, home. And you know, maybe you were rejected from those schools but placed at UC Berkeley for a reason…just like you were put on this tour for a reason.�

“Yeah, you’ve got a point. Just with a lot of things that I’ve gone through in my life, I always try to put it in that perspective because things can always be a lot worse ya know?�

“Yeah,� he nods affirmatively. “Care to share one of those things that you’ve gone through?�

“The last four years have been turbulent enough,� I laugh hollowly while looking back out at the ocean. “My freshman year started out with my aunt dying. Ava and I are real close to our uncle, our mom’s brother, so our aunt was like a second mother to us. I didn’t even have time to digest it before they told me she was gone…some days I still don’t think I have. But you know what the funny thing is? Our grandmother died a year after that and I don’t break down nearly as often over her.�

“What did they die from, if you don’t mind me asking� Justin asks me quietly.

“My aunt died of a stroke and my grandmother died from pancreatic cancer. Quick deaths so they didn’t suffer long.�

“I’m sorry.�

“It’s not your fault…it’s not your fault that I got sick after that too,� I say before turning back to look at him.

His eyes hold a sense of fear and astonishment at that statement. “What do you mean you were sick?�

“Honestly Justin, it’s a miracle that I can walk let alone dance. When my mom starting asking me if I was eating, I thought she was going insane. But in reality, she was just starting to notice how small I was getting. And then I couldn’t get off of the couch, do my hair, or tie my shoes without help. I remember one day I was coming home from school and I had my backpack on, my laptop case on my shoulder, and my geometry book in my hands. I was a block away, but I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even walk up the stairs to get into my house so I had to call my mom and ask her to come outside and help me.�

“So then what happened?�

“Well after being a pincushion for the lab at the clinic and seeing I don’t know how many doctors, I was told that I have Myositis. I guess my immune system was so overactive that instead of attacking the bad stuff, it started attacking my muscles. I was a hot mess Justin,� I chuckle a little bit. “I had never been that skinny in my entire life and it looked so bad on me. Then I had to be put on these different medications and treatments, one of which gave me these chipmunk cheeks…� I pause and point with a small grin.

“Which are real cute by the way,� he says before grinning back. Thank God I’m a chocolate girl because if I weren’t, my face would be cherry red right now.

“Thanks…they’re actually a lot smaller than they used to be, hell my whole face for that matter. Being sick had it’s perks though, like I got to roll around campus in golf cart my entire junior year.�

He chuckles, “Yeah? That’s cool, I bet your friends were bumming rides off of you huh?�

“Yeah they were, just lazy as hell and didn’t want to walk,� I say before laughing.

It’s quiet between us for a few minutes before Justin speaks again. “This may sound a bit weird, but thanks for sharing all of that with me because I know it wasn’t easy.�

I smile before looking into his gorgeous blue orbs, “Remember what I said when we were on the phone earlier?�

He smiles this time, “Yeah…I do.�

And believe me when I say that I meant every word.

October 19th, Nick’s Apartment

HONEY I’M HOME!!!

I immediately crack up at Justin’s text before hitting the reply button.

YAY! I’m with my honey right now, can I ttyl?

Fine…just leave me ALL alone : (

I giggle while shaking my head; he’s such a baby.

Oh go cake with your girlfriend… ; )

As soon as I hit the reply button, Nick comes out of the bathroom and makes his way back over to his spot on the couch. He and I decided to spend our Friday together watching movies and chilling out at his place, which is about fifteen minutes away from Ava’s. I’m thankful for today since we, as well as everyone else have been gearing up to leave for Australia in the next four days. That’s right, I got the green light from Justin about going “down under� with them for this leg of tour. He looked at me like I had three heads when I asked, but understood when I told him that I didn’t want to impose and just invite myself if I wasn’t needed.

I know at first I was real apprehensive about Justin and I becoming friends, but after that day we spent in Manhattan Beach together, I knew that I had made a beneficial decision for once and plan on sticking with it. You know how you meet a person that you’ve never met before and yet it feels like you’ve known them your entire life? It’s weird and a little bit scary, but that’s how I feel about Justin. Maybe it’s because he’s seen and experienced so much in his 26 years of life, but I never realized how well we relate to each other until we started talking more. That’s another thing I’ve realized, Justin like—no loves to talk, especially if it’s something he’s passionate about like his music, family, or his obsession with golf. Although I told him that I think golf is about as exciting as watching paint dry, I like listening to him rant and rave about it with a smile just to see his hands flying animatedly when he talks. In this short amount of time I’ve discovered how intelligent, insightful, humble, sweet, and funny he is and that away from the glitz and glamour of his profession, he’s just a country boy from the boondocks of Tennessee. He’s been good about the phone thing, making sure not to call me no later than ten at night. We mainly text each other anyway, which I had to sort of teach him how to do and tease him about since I’ve discovered how technically challenged he is. But he’s gotten better at it, hence today’s messages.

This month hasn’t been so busy since Justin has been in Toronto for the last two weeks shooting a movie with Mike Meyers. I guess he figured he’d drop that little bombshell on me a few days before he was supposed to leave when he knows that I love comedies and Mike Meyers movies. But the whole time he was gone he never failed to text me at least twice a day, despite the fact that he had Jessica to keep him company. It kind of worried me a bit, especially since I was coincidentally with Nick most of the times he would text me, but when I asked how he and Jessica were doing he told me things were fine. Maybe I should double check on that. Speaking of Nick, even though he knows about Justin and our friendship, I get nervous about bringing him up outside of the work setting. Gee, I wonder why. Plus it doesn’t help that I catch Nick grimacing every time I run for my phone.

“Let me guess, Justin right?� Nick asks flatly while staring at the TV.

I sigh. “Please don’t be like that, he just wanted to let me know that he got home like I asked him to.�

He silently nods his head in response. Great, now he’s giving me the silent treatment.

“You mad at me now?�

He shakes his head no, again silently in response.

“Nick,� I whine before getting up and straddling his waist. I place a soft kiss to his lips before cradling his face in my hands. “Talk to me…please?�

“Look,� he sighs, “I’m not trying to control you or run your life, but it’s like I’m sharing you with someone else and…and I don’t want to,� he chuckles softly. Dammit he is so adorable right now.

“I know it’s bold and selfish of me to say, especially since we’re not together, but Selah I want you and I want to be the only man for you. It’s not that you and Justin being friends bothers me, it’s just that when I want to spend time with you outside of work, it’s like we can never get away and—"

I interrupt him with my lips again; soothing his fears with soft, slow kisses. His arms wrap around my waist and pull me tight against his body as my hands smooth over his buzz cut. I hate to prolong the agony of not giving him a final answer about us because I know that I’m ready to take a chance on him. But honestly, I can’t shake that little part of me that’s scared that he and I are doomed and we haven’t even started. I just don’t want to get my heart broken all over again because there’s a part of me that I feel won’t survive if that happens. But I know that I’m hurting him even more by leaving him in the dark when he’s shown me that I have nothing to fear when it comes to him. I pull away, breathless and press my forehead against his.

“I’m sorry, so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like that and I don’t think that you’re selfish for what you said…I don’t like being shared anyway,� I say with a small smile.

He smiles back, “Yeah?�

“Yeah. I know that you have been more than patient with me, but I promise you that it’ll be worth the wait. I know how I feel about you and I’m ready to be with you, I’m just scared that we may fall through and I can’t go through that again Nick, I can’t. I just want to be sure that I’m jumping into this with both feet, so baby please just hold on a little bit longer for me. And I promise that you won’t have to share me with anyone because I’ll be all yours, okay?�

He presses his lips against mine this time, “Selah, I told you that you don’t have to decide right now; baby I’m ready when you’re ready. But I’m not going to lie, it feels good to hear you say that you’ve given it some thought and that you want to.�

For some reason, the way that I’m positioned in his lap, the way that his arms are wrapped around me, the taste and feel of his kisses, hell the topic of the conversation has got me hot for him right now. Maybe it’s what he said to me, that he wants me and wants to be the only man for me that’s got me so turned on right now. This is a damn shame, here we are trying to have a serious conversation and all I want to do is rip his clothes off. I think he can tell that I’m done talking about the subject at hand since I’ve been staring at him for the last few minutes without saying a word. I snap back into reality when I feel his lips against my neck and his tongue peek out to mark my spot.

“Looks like you want to do something else right now,� he says into my ear lowly.

“I’m sorry,� I respond quietly, “I know you probably think I haven’t heard a word you said, but I did. It’s just that…� I pause feeling the heat rise to my cheeks.

“What babe? Tell me what’s on your mind.�

I look away from his gaze embarrassedly before speaking. “It’s just that I want to do so many things to you that someone my age should know how to do. And ever since you came around, I think about it all the time…�

“And by ‘it’ you mean?� He asks with mischievous smirk. Ugh, he’s actually going to make me admit it?

“Sex Nick, sex. There, are you happy that I admitted it and have made an ass of myself?� I exclaim. I smack him in the shoulder playfully as he laughs at my confession. I mean I’ve never been shy about the topic of sex, but when it comes to my own experience, that’s when I start to get self-conscious.

“Beautiful, you didn’t make an ass of yourself and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I think it’s beautiful that you’re still a virgin, admirable even because there aren’t many girls like you around anymore. Look baby, I know you want to satisfy me but don’t you worry about that. Like I said, I’m ready when you’re ready, but since I don’t feel that you are and we aren’t official, I wouldn’t feel right doing that with you. Doesn’t mean that I don’t want to because believe me, I do,� he laughs lightly. “I just don’t want you to have any regrets about me and us.�

Seriously, there are still men like this around? I hear what he’s saying though and I’m glad that he’s being that reality check that’s keeping my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds.

“Well I haven’t had any complaints so far and definitely no regrets,� I say while removing myself from his lap and getting up off of the couch. “It doesn’t make me want rip all your clothes off any less though…� I say before looking over my shoulder to see his reaction. As soon as I step into his kitchen my world is flipped upside down as he throws me over his shoulder and heads toward his bedroom with me laughing and squealing the whole way.

Looks like my head will be in the clouds sooner than I thought.
**************************************************************************
11:40 p.m.

I feel like Jello right now as I curl up between my warm sheets with a satisfied smile on my face. My eyes close as I start replay the three reasons why I’m smiling over in my head. Shit, if getting licked until I bust is the outcome after every serious conversation that Nick and I have, then I can’t wait for us to be together. Granted, I stripped him naked the second we made it to his bedroom and covered his body with licks, nibbles, and wet kisses, but I was the one that ended up on my back screaming for mercy as soon as his tongue touched my clit. But damn does he have a nice dick. I mean it’s not like I’ve seen many of them, but I was juicy as hell while I stroked his thickness from base to tip and listened to his moans and…

Who the fuck is calling me right now?!!

Grabbing the vibrating device, I glance at the ID as a small grin appears on my face.

“I thought I told you no late night creep phone calls?� I say, answering the call.

“I know, I know and I’m really sorry,� Justin replies like a little boy who just got caught sneaking a cookie out of the cookie jar. “You’re not at Nick’s still are you?�

I giggle, “No, he dropped me off at home about an hour ago. Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell on you and have him come to your house and beat you up.�

“Pshhh, we all know how that would end so you better act like you know. So how on earth did you survive without me for two weeks?� He asks jokingly.

“Easy…I was with Nick,� I laugh.

“See, now why you wanna do me like that? I was in another country and I made sure to text you almost every day to see how you were doing,� he pretends to sob.

“Cry me a river…cry me a river-er,� I mimic his song while continuing to laugh.

“Now that’s just cold, and here I thought I would receive a nice warm welcome from you. I’m hanging up—"

“If you don’t want me to kick you in the neck the next time I see you then you’d stay on the line,� I interrupt. “Besides…you know I missed your big baby self, now how was your trip?�

He proceeds to tell me about his trip, a little bit about the movie and his character, who rocks a member’s only jacket, a 70s pornstache, and a speedo. You can imagine the visual that I got after hearing that. But I couldn’t help but notice that he hadn’t mentioned Jessica at all even though she was there with him the entire time.

“Hey, let me ask you something,� I say quietly.

“Anything.�

“I’m not trying to be nosy or anything and you always listen to me blab on about Nick and I, but how are you and Jessica doing?�

He pauses before answering and that alone says so much. “Fine.�

“Okay here’s another question, why are you lying to me?�

“Selah…� he whines. I swear he still should be wearing a diaper and sucking on a damn binkie.

“Justin, did you notice how long it took you to answer, because I did. If things were really ‘fine’ between you two then you would have answered me with some confidence, so you want to try that again?�

“And you talk about me reading you so well…�

“I’m doing this because you’re my friend and you always take the time to listen to me, so lets reverse the roles.�

He sighs this time, “You remember when we were in that bathroom in Montreal and I told you that there was no spark between Jess and I? Well it was ignited for a minute, like since we’ve been on break because we’ve been able to spend more time with each other. But while we were in Toronto, one night we were lying in the hotel bed together and I was staring up at the ceiling, just thinking…�

“What were you thinking about?�

“That I can’t do this with her anymore,� he laments. “I’ll always love her, there’s no doubt about that, but I can’t find myself being in love with her. I mean maybe I’m trying to rush nature’s course by forcing myself to feel things before I’m ready to. I’m just tired of kissing frogs,� he laughs hollowly.

“Uh no offense JT, but the last time that I checked Britney and Cameron were a little too hot to be considered frogs,� I joke. “But I know what you mean and sometimes we have to kiss three, four, and five frogs just to get to our prince or princess. Even though those relationships made have been disastrous or didn’t work out the way you wanted them to, you learned from them right?�

“Right,� he replies quietly.

“And that’s what being in love is all about, taking and learning from your past experiences and using them to help you grow and discover what you want the next time around. I think every person’s idea or definition of love refines itself over time and you find yourself becoming more open to different types of people and ideas. So maybe that’s what’s happening to you, maybe your ideals on being in love have changed and you just haven’t realized it. Maybe it just needs some time. I mean Justin you should know better than anyone that love does not work according to your schedule.�

He quiet for a moment and I almost think that I’ve talked to him to sleep with my psychoanalysis. “J, are you still there?�

“Why are you so amazing?� He asks in what seems to be genuine wonder.

I giggle at his question, “I don’t even know how to answer that, hell I was just rambling. I mean was I making any sense?�

“Yeah, perfect sense. I guess I just want that instant connection, you know that undeniable chemistry with her. Like I feel that Jess is the one I should be with right now, but you’re right, maybe I’m little too old to believe in love at first sight.�

“Well there’s nothing wrong with striving for something you want Justin. Someone once told me that if you’re passionate about something or someone, than no one can stop you. So stay down with Jess because it’s obvious that you’re passionate about her and when you least expect it, you’ll find yourself falling in love with her like you’re supposed to.�

He chuckles, “How are you just going to throw my words back in my face like that, woman?�

“Because it looks like someone should be following his own advice.�

“Yeah, well I hope that someone else is doing the same thing.� Was that supposed to be aimed at me?

“I am and right now, I’m finding that Nick and dancing are the perfect combination for me.�

He sighs as if that’s not what he wanted to hear. “I…I’m glad to hear that. But it’s getting late and I don’t want to break anymore of our phone etiquette rules…� he laughs nervously.

“Oh, okay. Well I hope I was helpful to you and if my psychobabble didn’t make any sense then do the next best thing and talk to her,� I joke, trying to bring the silliness back to our conversation.

“Yeah…I’ll do that. Thanks Selah, ‘night.�

The phone clicks off before I even get to respond and I start to wonder if I missed something major throughout our whole conversation.

“Goodnight Justin.�

October 21st, 6:49 p.m.

It’s raining like fucking cats and dogs outside. I watch the downpour through the window from my bed with one pillow cradling my head and the other hugged to my body. I’ve basically been like this all day, just really getting up to eat or pee. Today I just woke up feeling anxious, like my heart was full and ready to burst. That’s usually how I feel before something happens. It’s funny because it was absolutely beautiful this morning and afternoon, full of sunshine and not one cloud in the sky. But once the clock struck five, everything became shadowed in gray and the sky just opened up and down came the rain. It may be good or it may be bad, but something is going to happen today…and I’m just waiting for whatever it is.

“Hey little one, I’m going to run out for a little bit. You wanna come with?� My sister asks while poking her head in the door.

“Nah, I’ll pass; it is too damn wet outside. Where are you going in this shitty weather anyway?�

She looks down at the floor before answering me. “I was going to go visit Mama for a few hours, that’s all.�

“Oh,� I reply flatly.

“I mean depending on if the rain lets up, I might end up staying the night over there but I’ll call and let you know.�

“Okay. Well have a good time,� I say, hoping that it will end this awkward conversation.

My sister comes over and sits on the bed. “Selah, you sure you don’t want to go? Maybe it’ll give you and Mama a chance to talk and sort things out—"

“A, please,� I interrupt. “I appreciate you trying to help, but I’m just not ready for all of that yet okay? When the time comes for me to be big enough to go talk to Mom on my own, then I’ll do that. But right now…I’m still too angry, still too hurt and I don’t want to say something to her that I might regret.�

“I hear what you’re saying and I respect that. But just remember that we’ve only got one mom, a mom who took on the role of two parents in order to raise us right, a mom who sacrificed a lot of her own needs just so that we could succeed. I know that what she said to you was out of line and I still think that you did the right thing by sticking up for yourself, but since the both of you are as stubborn as two mules, one of you is going to have to be the bigger person. But like you said, it’s not your time; but when it is I trust that you’ll do the right thing,� she says before kissing my cheek.

“I’ll call you later okay? Are you going to be okay here by yourself?� She asks.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll probably finish the remainder of my packing tonight anyway.�

“Alright, love you and see you later,� she says while walking out of the room.

“Love you too and be safe. Hey Ava, wait a second!� I call out to her.

“Yeah?� She says while poking her head in the doorway again.

“Tell Mom…I said hi.�

My sister gives me a cheeky smile, “I’ll do that.�
************************************************************
11:51 p.m.

The rain is still falling hard and I’m still watching it through my window. I’ve been trying to get to sleep for the last hour, but my brain just won’t turn off. I know it’s because I’m still anxious, if not more than before since I’m still waiting for that something to happen. But still, nothing has and the day is almost over.

Maybe I’m just psyching myself out over nothing. I mean I think about today and nothing major or anything that had the potential to be major has happened. Believe me, I’ve been mulling over the events of today in my head since I’ve been laying here. Ava called to tell me that she decided to stay with Mom for the night after all. I have to admit that a small smile came to my face when she told me how happy Mom was when she told her that I said hi. After that I finished my packing for Australia, ordered a pizza, watched some TV, and then talked to Nick for a while before I brushed my teeth and got into bed at around 10:45. And yet, I still can’t go to sleep.

It’s 11:55 now and it’s like my heart and my brain are still waiting for that something…

Or better yet that someone.

I’m sitting up in my and bed and my heart seems to have stopped. Who in the hell is knocking on the door at this time of night? But as I walk toward the door with my anxiety growing tenfold, I know that whatever, or in this case whoever I’ve been worried about all day is on the other side of that of that door. It’s like my body knows that something is about to happen before I do. But like I said earlier, it may be good or it may be bad, but something is going to happen…and it’s going to happen right now.

My legs almost give out from under me when I see him standing in front of me, drenched from head to toe. He looks lost, saddened, and broken but at the same time relieved that I answered the door. He scratches the back of his head and I can tell that he’s embarrassed that he’s ended up here and is sorry for possibly waking me up. But if he only knew. And just like that, my heart revives itself again and starts to race as I lick my dry lips and begin to speak barely above a whisper.

“Justin, what are you doing here?�

He swallows and gives me an awkward smile. “I know that it’s late and I’m sorry if I woke you up and that I haven’t called or anything…but I…I really needed to see you,� he croaks out.

Been thinking about this all damn day,
And I can't wait to see your face…

I eye him strangely when he says that, not because of what he said, but rather how he said it. Who is this nervous creature in front of me? Who is this person who looks so unsure of himself? Because it’s not the Justin that I know.

“Is everything okay? Are you hurt?�

He licks his lips and looks down at ground. “I’ve been trying so hard to do the right thing, to make everybody else happy and to do what they tell me that they think is right. But I can’t keep doing what everybody else wants me to do anymore, I just can’t.�

Okay, now I’m even more confused, worried, and scared. “Justin, what are you talking about? What’s going on?�

Again, he just dismisses my questions. “I don’t know why I even bothered trying to convince other people that I love her when I already knew the truth my damn self.�

“JUSTIN,� I yell his name, forcing him to look into my eyes while I grab the lapels of his jacket. “What the hell is going on?�

“I BROKE UP WITH HER!� And just like that, my heart stops again.

We stare at each other for what seems like an eternity before I start to breathe again.

“Why?� I sigh out.

“Because if I’m passionate about something or someone, no one is going to stop me from getting what I want. Now does that answer your question?�

How the hell can expect me to answer him after what he just said? I don’t think I could since I don’t even know what my name is right now.

“I don’t know how many times or how many ways I have to show you that I want you, that I need you. Selah I need you so bad. You don’t know how much you consume my day with just that one phone call or text message, your words of advice or even your laugh…an-and, you don’t know how much I need that in my life all day…everyday,� he confesses while wrapping his strong arms around my waist.

My hands are dying to touch ya,
But I ain't got the patience to wait…

That’s when I feel him bury his face in my neck and begin to plant kisses there. “Selah please, please be mine…� He whispers. Oh God, why did he have to say that? Why is he doing this to me when knows…he fucking knows…

“I can’t try to love her anymore,� he says as he pulls away from my neck and looks me in the eyes. “But I know I can with you because if it’s anything like what I’ve been feeling since I met you, then I have to have you. Please let me show you that I can Selah, please let me love you.�

The next thing I know, he’s captured my lips with his, making me melt as our tongues touch and slide sensuously against each other’s. He’s taking over all of my senses with the sweet taste of his lips, the smell of his own clean and natural scent, the touch of his warm hands that are caressing my lower back, and even though he looks like a little like a drowned puppy, he still looks gorgeous in my eyes.

I feel his lips reach my neck and that’s when my brain decides to click back on, but I’m not thinking about stopping him…I’m thinking about Nick. What the hell am I doing? Why won’t my body stop succumbing to Justin’s kisses? Why can’t I stop?

When Justin and I started over as friends, I thought that I had wiped my slate clean of those feelings I had for him, I thought that I didn’t and couldn’t look at him in that light anymore because I had Nick. But no matter what Justin and I do, we can’t fight the chemistry that we have with each other. It’s gotten us in trouble before and it may get us in trouble again. But I’m not going to stop it because as much as I want and care about Nick, I want, care about and need Justin that much more. And right now, I can’t fight what I’ve been feeling for him.

And I think it's time…
That I…
Lose control, lose control…

My hands reach up to cup his face as I bring my lips back to his, devouring him with as much passion as I can before sucking his bottom lip into my mouth and pulling away.

“Okay,� I say breathlessly while pressing my forehead to his.

“Okay?�

“Love me Justin…show me that you can love me and only me.�

And with that, I’m scooped up into his arms with my legs wrapped around his waist as the front door shuts behinds us.
***********************************************************************

I feel his soft lips against my neck, alternating between quick, chaste pecks and warm, lingering wet kisses. His lips make their way to the spot just underneath my right ear; the spot that makes my toes curl with one touch…the spot that makes me throb. The tip of his tongue peaks out to touch it before slowly laving the area and replacing it with another wet kiss.

I pull my bottom lip between my teeth as my hands make their way into his hair, running my fingernails along his scalp. Soft moans escape my lips as he continues his ministrations to my neck and his fingertips graze up and down my sides. The contrast between his warm hands and the cool air gives me goosebumps along my naked skin. But when he brings our chests flush against each other’s, I’m warm again, reveling in the feeling of his sculpted pecs and the bumps and grooves of his abdomen.

He’s beautiful and I don’t have to see it to believe it. I can tell just by the way that his strong body and soft, warm skin feels against mine. It not only feels good, it feels right and it starts to feel even better as his fingertips leave my sides and make their way down my body and nestle themselves between my folds. Teasing me by tracing around my awaiting bud, I gasp as one of his gorgeous digits slips inside my warmth only to be joined by a second one soon after that.

My juices start to flow and cover his fingers as he takes his time and my heart starts to race in anticipation at how thick and swollen he is against my thigh. Knowing that it’s me that has made him this way and that I’m craving to feel even more of what he can give me, I suck his earlobe into my mouth as my small hand wraps around his hardened arousal.

“Justin…please,� I whisper breathlessly as a sign to let him know that I’m ready. He doesn’t say a word as his kisses stop and his hand replaces mine, giving himself a slow stroke before placing himself at my entrance. I feel my body tense up on instinct as my nerves start to get the best of me and I think he can feel it too.

“Hey,� he says quietly. “You alright?� He asks with a small smile.

I return it, “Yeah…I am. I’m just a little nervous, that’s all. But if you cause me any major pain, this will be the last thing—or person—that you ever do.�

He laughs heartily at my remark. “Then I can’t think of a better way to go,� he says before placing a soft kiss to my lips. “You already know that I’m going to take it nice and slow and if you want me to stop, just let me know…but I highly doubt that you’ll be doing that,� he says with a naughty grin before biting his bottom lip at me. I giggle and shake my head at him before he tastes my lips for the infinite time, letting me know that he’s ready.

I thought I was going to be a lot more nervous when I had sex for the first time, but lying here with Justin feels good, comfortable; natural even. I’m surprised that I’m not trying to cover myself or hide parts of my body, but I doubt Justin would let me get away with that anyway. Besides, I haven’t heard or seen any objections from him about it so far, so I guess he likes what he sees.

I watch as he takes the condom that’s sitting on my nightstand, unwraps it and places it on himself. Even the man’s dick is beautiful: long, thick, and throbbing. I know he’s going to hurt, but I’m willing to risk it because I know how good it’s going to feel in the end. When I feel him tracing my entrance again, our eyes meet and I feel him bring my hands above my head and intertwine our fingers.

Girl are you ready?
Are you ready for love?
Girl are you ready?
Are you ready for us?

I squeeze my eyes shut and bite my bottom lip as I feel him slide inside my juicy walls. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to breathe as he pushes in almost halfway, only to pull back out and do it again. I grip his hands tightly as he finally buries himself inside me while short-rapid breaths escape both of our mouths. That’s when it finally hits me, this sense of déjà vu that I’ve been in this position before. But this time, it’s not a dream and honestly with this beautiful man inside me right now, I don’t give a damn about being sore tomorrow. I’m just glad that I won’t have to wake up this time.

Oh no no,
It's okay to scream,
And if you need to, take a second to breathe…

“Fuck,� I groan out in a mixture of pleasure and pain before he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and sets a sensuous pace with his hips. Damn his stroke has me ready to bust and he’s barely even started. The sensations of his thickness stretching and creating a delicious friction inside of me, his fluid hips working against mine, and his lips nibbling and sucking on my lips contribute to my increased cries of pleasure. My hands look to grab for anything within reach: his back, his arms, his hair. They finally rest against his lower back, aiding him as he works me deeply.

Hey, there it is
I can feel your legs trembling…
You feel the sweat dripping from my chest…

I don’t want to cum yet because he feels so good, but the way that his pelvic bone is grinding against my clit is making it so that I won’t get my wish.

“Say it,� I hear him whisper in my ear. “I want to hear you say my name baby.�

I finally open my eyes and met with a sea of dark blue mixed with passion and lust. I’m instantly captivated and drawn in by them, so much that I seem to forget his request—especially since I feel the first of my orgasmic waves crashing into me.

“Say it baby,� he begs me breathlessly before he groans passionately. “Fucking say it…�

“Justin,� I moan out and I find myself smiling at the sound. “Fuck Justin, don’t stop.� I bite my lip to try to calm myself down but that’s when I feel the second wave crash into me, causing my body to jerk violently. “Please, don’t stop…�

“Baby…say it again,� he hisses as hips move like lightening against me. I try to yell out, but that’s when I feel his fingers nestle in between my folds again, finding my clit instantly. I try so hard to say his name, but my mouth can’t even form words as he rubs me furiously. His blue eyes are the last thing that I see as my orgasm finally washes over me, making my entire body vibrate and pulse underneath him.

I feel my pussy squeeze him like a vice as my back arches off of the bed and I scream out in ecstasy. Shit, it’s so intense that I feel tears spring from eyes and roll down my cheeks. He’s not too far behind me as his hips start to jerk against mine and he bites down on my shoulder to muffle the sounds of his moans as he cums. It’s one of the sexiest sounds I have ever heard. Shit, I could almost get there again just listening to his cries of pleasure and release. I slowly rock against him as he rides out his waves and my hands skim up and down his warm, sweat-slicked back.

He’s starting with the wet kisses again as his tongues laves the spot where he bit me. He makes his way to my neck before my hands cup his face and I plant a long, slow, lingering kiss to his lips.

He chuckles breathlessly, “Damn girl…you keep kissing me like that and I’m going to have to take you down again.�

“Trust me, I wouldn’t object.�

“Good, because we’re doing that again…and again…and again…and again…�

I giggle as he kisses all over my neck. “Hey...�

“Yeah?�

“I know this is going to sound cheesy, but thank you…for being my first and for being gentle with me,� I say with a shy smile.

He gives me a soft peck, “You’re welcome baby, but I should be thanking you for allowing me to be your first, so thank you because that was…fucking amazing.� He says before laughing breathlessly. “I just wanted to make you feel good, so…did I do that?�

“Well I’ll just tell you this…I’m going to be sore tomorrow, but in a damn good way.�

“Good, because round two is about begin right now.�

Today I woke up feeling anxious, like my heart was full and ready to burst and that’s usually how I feel before something happens. It could have been good or it could have been bad, but I knew that something was going to happen…and I can’t believe that this turned out to be it.

Girl are you ready?
Are you ready for love?
Girl are you ready?
To glow in the dark

Hey darlings! First let me say that I am sorry that this isn't update, but I wanted to come on here and update you guys on what's been going on with these days. I'm so glad that you all enjoyed this last chapter. It was a major one and I was happy to finally get it out because you guys had been dying for something like that for a while. But things have only just begun as that tends to be the case with Selah and Justin so stay tuned because there is plenty more to come.

I also wanted to thank you all for your well wishes and support for me going back to school. It has been a crazy couple of days and I haven't really started classes yet so I'm still adjusting and getting into the flow of things, so although I hate to keep you all waiting, it's still going to be a while before the next update.

I'm actually writing you all today because I have a little bit of bad news. My computer has decided to start fucking up so I had to send it to the Apple factory in order to get it fixed. Thankfully it's under warranty, but I won't get it back for 3-6 business days. It's kind of scary for me because I have been meaning to get an external hard drive to back up all my data for months now and then something like this happens, but thankfully Apple backs up your stuff on their server for the lovely price of $50. Hopefully they'll fix it though so I won't have to deal with this again and I'll be able to buy that hard drive that I've been dying to have.

Again thank you guys for all your patience, support, and wonderful reviews. I was so nervous about starting this story so I never dreamed that it would get so much positive feedback and that people would actually enjoy it. So again, thank you. I'll talk to you all soon (hopefully with an update! ). *Muah*

-Bri

October 24th; Brisbane, Australia, Queensland University of Technology (Room 207), 7:05 p.m.

Damn. That seems to be the only word in my vocabulary these last three days. From the moment Justin left early Monday morning, to when the rest of the dancers, band, and I landed in Brisbane yesterday, to now, as my sister kicks mine and the rest of many Aussies’ asses who have decided to come out and participate in the girls’ dance workshop, all I can say is damn to world-wind that has become my life in the last three days.

I firmly believe that I sold my soul (and my pussy) to the blue-eyed devil on Sunday night and it happened as soon as I opened the door. But I must love the burn of hell because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him or that night since it happened. There’s a part of me that can’t believe it happened, that a guy who just two months ago, was plastered all over the walls of my bedroom and bumping from my stereo, had now taken my virginity by bumping and grinding with me between my sheets and had been all up in my walls. Sweet Jesus did it happen though because when I couldn’t sit down on the toilet to take a piss without wincing the next day, I knew it wasn’t because of all the dancing I’ve been doing. I thought I had reached the pinnacle of my vulnerability by letting my guard down in front of the other dancers, the audiences that I danced in front of, and most importantly, Nick. But lying there beside Justin and looking into his gorgeous blues after everything was all said and done made sent reality crashing into me hard, hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. Poor thing thought that he had hurt me, but I quickly assured him with a smile that he hadn’t and that what had happened between us had just been a little overwhelming for me, which he understood and soothed me by pulling me into his chest and softly rubbing my back until I fell asleep. The truth of the matter was that I wasn’t hurting too much from the physical pain, but from the emotional pain that was starting and continuing to unveil itself.

Let me just say that I don’t regret what Justin and I did, I just can’t believe that he broke up with her. After all the craziness we went through after I had asked him to break up with her in Vegas, he actually did it. I guess he had to do it on his own time and maybe he had to get away before things got any more serious than they already were. Although we didn’t talk about the details of their breakup, that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel horrible for Jessica. I mean that’s nine months of her life, time, and energy that she will never get back…and I know that I’m the one to blame for that. I used to hate when people who got caught doing something that they had no business doing would say, “It just happened�; like that bitchass claim was some kind of reliable excuse. But now that he’s broken up with her, we’ve slept together, and have broken two hearts; I’m stuck standing with my tail in between my legs crying that Justin and I just happened…but the truth is we did.

Please don’t get me started on Nick either, every time I think about those sleepy blue eyes my eyes start to burn with tears. To think that I was going to use this trip to cement the deal between us and give him what he has been waiting so patiently for. But I might as well kiss him and the idea of us ever being together goodbye because he isn’t going to want me now. As much as I wanted and needed Justin that night, I didn’t take the time to realize how Nick may have wanted, needed, and…loved me. There’s that damn word again, the one I possibly and still want to feel for Nick, the one that Justin wants to do to me, and the one that I’m absolutely terrified of feeling for Justin in return. I know everyone probably expects for me to do what most girls do after losing their virginity: fall completely head over heels for the guy, expect him to fall in love with me in return, and for he and I to end up together forever. But even though I gave a major part of my physical and emotional self to Justin, I didn’t give him my heart. Completely. To me, love is a verb because anyone can say those three little words, but when you’re willing to demonstrate the actions and feelings that comprise it, that’s when it’s for real. I always told myself that when I fall in love, that person needs to be willing to demonstrate those things and make me feel comfortable enough in order to reciprocate and while Justin takes my vulnerability to a whole new level, I’m not in love with him. Yet. And thus is the hot ass mess that is my life.

Aside from all the craziness that I’ve gotten myself into, there are still plenty of good things that are outweighing the bad; for example, I’m in fucking Australia. I always knew that being a dancer had its perks, but for me to have seen more of the country that I live in just these few months than I have in my entire life and now a country that I could only dream of visiting? It’s just amazing. Ava was cracking up at me as our plane flew over the ocean and parts of the country that I could see from aerial view, but if anyone understood how major and exciting this was for me, it was my sister. I watch her now from my position on this makeshift stage as she goes over the steps to her “Upgrade U� routine. We’ve been going at it for almost an hour and I’m starting to notice just how talented people outside of the U.S. are because these Australian young men and women are gettin’ it. Since I learned the routine, I’m serving as Ava’s assistant by going over the routine with her and going around the classroom in case anyone has questions or is having trouble picking up a step. Michele, Nanci, Dana, and Tammy are watching from the side since their workshops take place later in the evening. I see why the other dancers are pumped to do the workshops because they’re mad fun; in fact I’m hoping to be able to take some of their classes while we’re here as well.

“Alright ya’ll, Selah and I are going to go over the steps with you guys and the music one more time and then…� My sister trails off with a cheeky smile. “You guys are going to show off what you learned without us, so ya’ll ready?�

The class responds with emphatic “yeahs� as I start the music. As the small intro of the song plays, Ava and I look at each other with knowing smiles, simply because we’re about to tear it up like we usually do. But as I look at my sister, I wonder if she knows about Sunday and if she can see the inner turmoil that I’ve been going through for the last three days because of it. I’ve been trying to play everything cool since she came back from Mama’s house later on Monday morning and she hasn’t asked if anything is wrong with me. But my sister knows when I’m not emotionally right, it’s like I send out this psychic vibe to her that tells her I need help even if I tell her that’s not the case. I just can’t handle disappointing her again like I did when I told her what had happened between Justin and I in Vegas. I mean I slept with her boss, in her house…yeah I’m on some grounds for possibly losing my life. I know that I’ll eventually tell her; I just hope that when I do, she’ll forgive me.

My negative thoughts are instantly cast aside however, as I hear Beyoncé begin to sing and feel my body begin to move along with everyone as we go through Ava’s choreography seamlessly before the two of us watch the class perform it on their own. As we give the class a round of applause for their hard work, a young woman raises her hand.

“Umm Ms. Bernstine, would you and your sister mind going over the routine again? Just to show us how the pros do it?� She asks with a shy smile in her cute Australian accent. The class begins to nod affirmatively in agreement and cheer us on as Ava and I can’t help but laugh and smile at her request.

“Sure,� my sister replies. “We’d love to. Hit the music again ‘La.� I do as I’m told before taking my place beside my sister.

“Work it girl,� Ava says to me with a smile and wink.

“Shit, we’re Bernstine’s girl, you already know we got this,� I reply with a smile back and with that, we fall right into step with each other. Unfortunately as I look out into our audience, I almost loose my footing when my orbs meet a familiar pair of blues and I’m instantly taken back to Sunday night:

“Baby…say it again,� he hisses as hips move like lightening against me. I try to yell out, but that’s when I feel his fingers nestle in between my folds again, finding my clit instantly. I try so hard to say his name, but my mouth can’t even form words as he rubs me furiously. His blue eyes are the last thing that I see as my orgasm finally washes over me…

I knew he was supposed to get here today, but I didn’t know he was going stop by the workshops…okay, why am I freaking out about this? Better yet, why is my heart racing at the fact that he’s watching me right now with a sweet, but seductive smile on his face? Ugh, I need to get my shit together.

My sister and I finally finish our performance, which receives a roar of appreciation and applause from the class, before grabbing our things. When I look back toward the door though, he’s gone. He must be waiting outside somewhere away from all the fans so that he won’t get bum rushed.

“Awesome job ladies!� Dana exclaims while the other girls nod in agreement as Ava and I make our way over to them.

“Yeah, you guys that was great. And look at you little one, getting your first taste of teaching choreography,� Nanci says while pinching my cheek.

I giggle, “Oh please, I was really just taking the class like everyone else. But it was fun assisting and helping people out.�

“Well that’s one way to get your start as a choreographer sis,� Ava cuts in. “In addition to taking more classes, you can take what you learn, create your own style and end up teaching others. Next thing you know, people are going to be calling you for jobs or asking you to teach.�

“True, true. But I’ve got a lot of work to do if I’m going to get to that point, so maybe someday,� I reply as we make our way out of the classroom. I guess that hour of dancing and me drinking all that water really did a number on my bladder because I’m about to explode.

“Hey ya’ll, I have to take a serious piss so I’ll meet you guys outside in a few okay?�

“Okay,� they respond harmoniously before I dash off to find the ladies room. Three minutes later I’m empty and refreshed as I make my way out of the stall in order to wash my hands…only to be pushed up against the adjacent wall and met with the owner of those familiar blues. Before I can respond, he crashes his lips into mine, kissing me passionately and hungrily as his warm and hard body presses against me. He sucks on my bottom lip before finally pulling away and resting his forehead against mine.
I shake my head at him before a small grin breaks out onto my face as I make my way over to the sinks. “You are such a fucking creeper, always barging in when I’m in the bathroom. One of these days I’m going to be taking a shit and you’ll find out the hard way.�

Justin scrunches up his face in a disgusted manner before laughing heartily. “You are foul for that. I guess I barge in on you in here because it’s really the only time I can get you alone.�

I finish washing my hands before grabbing a paper towel. “Yeah, but what if someone saw you come in here? Or what if someone was in one of the other stalls?�

“Well then they would get quite an earful…or quite a show,� he says lowly before advancing toward me and placing me on the bathroom counter. Our lips meet again in a passionate duel and I know that I need to stop this before it gets too hot or someone walks in, plus the girls are waiting for me too. But dammit if his lips don’t feel good against my neck.

“Justin,� I say breathlessly. His hands have already lifted up the bottom of my shirt and his lips are feverishly planting kisses all over my stomach. Oh my god, we’re about to fuck in this bathroom aren’t we? I swear I’m going to hell for messing with this man.

“Justin…� I say more firmly this time. “Justin, I got-gotta go...the girls are waiting for me outside.�

“Tell them that you started talking to someone that took the class,� he says softly as he pushes up my sports bra and wraps his mouth around my right nipple. And there goes another pair of panties.

“Justin, we can’t have sex right now, I have to leave! It’s not like you can cum that fast anyway.� I’m starting to panic because while my brain is telling me to get the fuck up out of this bathroom, my body is starting to become paralyzed with pleasure and it doesn’t want to leave. He knows this of course, that’s why he isn’t listening to a word that I’m saying.

“Well thank you for noticing that baby,� he chuckles after pulling away from my chest. “And no we aren’t going to have sex right now, I don’t even have any condoms on me. But I do know someone who can cum in about a minute and I know just how to get her to do it,� he says while smiling at me mischievously as his right hand dips into my sweatpants and begins to rub against my throbbing pussy. Oh hell no.

I pull his hand out and push him away before pulling my bra and shirt back down and getting off of the counter. He just stands there with that signature cocky smirk on his face that I would love to smack right off of him because he knows that if I didn’t have people waiting on me or if we were somewhere else and we had condoms, I let him make me bust a nut every minute on the dot. Damn, is that what happens when you let Justin Timberlake dickmatize you?

“I said I have to go, I’ll talk to you later,� I say before opening the bathroom door and exiting with Justin right on my heels.

“Okay, okay,� he says while stopping in front of me. “I’m sorry…I guess I got a little carried away in there, huh?�

“You guess?� I retort before giving him a small grin. “I’m not mad, it’s just that I really have to leave and I don’t want people getting suspicious and asking questions, shit I can’t lie to save my life.�

“I know. I guess I can’t be selfish with you just yet, but believe me when that time comes,� he says as he wraps his arms around my waist. “Be prepared for me to never want to let you go.� He finishes his sentence by placing sweet and sensuous kiss to my lips that I feel all the way down to my toes. Well I’ll be damned.

“So when will I be able to make good on what we discussed in the bathroom?� Justin asks as we finally make our way to the parking lot. I’m nervous as hell because the girls have been waiting for at least 10 minutes or more and I really hope that they don’t start asking questions.

“Anytime after the shows, preferably at night though since everyone is most likely to be out at a club or something,� I reply coyly. The girls see me and relief washes over their features as they see Justin walking along side me.

“Girl, we thought you had fell in or something,� Michele cracks.

“That or taking a doo-doo,� my sister jumps in while making everyone crack up.

“Ewww A, don’t be putting me on blast like that! No, I was coming out and I ran into this guy right here and we started talking about the shows and stuff. He just wouldn’t let me go, huh Justin?� I ask, alluding to our previous conversation.

He chuckles but looks me directly in my eyes, “No, I would not. I’ll see you ladies later, maybe we can all do dinner or something?�

“Sounds good, just let us know,� Tammy replies.

We all exchange goodbyes as we make our way onto our bus and Justin makes his way into a blacked out SUV…but not before mouthing the word “Friday� to me and giving me a wink. Even though I know I’m getting myself into more shit by agreeing to this, I know that I’ll find myself in his room come Friday night, burning in lascivious hell with the blue-eyed devil.

Damn.

October 28th; Hilton Hotel Brisbane, Suite 9000, 9:12 a.m.

Who am I? What do I want to be? Where do I want to be? Those are some of the questions that I’ve been asking myself while staring in this bathroom mirror. I got up to go pee and ended up asking myself these questions because I can honestly say that I’ve forgotten the answers to most of them lately. I came on this tour to spend time with my sister because I was lost, but these last few months have shown me just how lost I truly am. Needless to say I’m in way over my head, but I can’t blame anyone but myself for all the shit I’ve put myself and other people through. I guess the real question I should be asking myself is what have I done.

It’s so fucking obvious that I can’t and shouldn’t be with Nick and in my own selfish way, I’d rather make a fool of him than break his heart. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay, that I haven’t been losing sleep over how I’m going to tell him about Justin and I, that he and I are continuing to grow when in fact…I’ve already killed us. For years I wished, hoped, and prayed for someone like Nick to come into my life, and then he gets here and I just throw him away. I threw away someone so understanding, so accepting…so loving of me and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever find it again. Yeah Justin said that he wants to love me, but really, can he? Could he deal with everything else that comes along with a person so green to love that she didn’t realize it was right in front of her face before she gave herself to someone else? Could I deal with everything that comes along with being with the Justin Timberlake—the fame, the glitz and glamour, the loss of anonymity, hell the loss of sanity? I should be slapped for the silent tears that are running down my cheeks right now. But I pray that God have mercy on the man that I’m about to make suffer.

“Babe? What are you doing in here?� He asks softly before wrapping his arms around me and pressing a soft kiss to my temple. My body tenses under his hold out of fear and simply because I don’t want to be touched. I must have blocked everything out during my emotional episode since I didn’t hear him come up behind me.

“I was going pee and I guess I just kind of zoned out,� I reply, chuckling nervously and praying that he won’t see the tear streaks on my cheeks. “I think I’m going to grab my stuff and head back to me and Ava’s room ok?�

I try to break free from his grasp, but he’s too quick as he cradles my face in both of his hands. I look down at the floor, the tub, even the toilet, just anywhere but his eyes because if I do, I’ll start crying all over again.

“Hey, look at me,� he says softly. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?�

I can’t help but look into his gorgeous blues this time…and I let go of the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. I want to hate him so bad because he makes me weak, weak enough to never want to hate him.

“Justin please just-I have to go okay? I need to leave before my sister star—�

“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on,� he interrupts me. “Now tell me what is wrong with you.�

We stand there for a few minutes in silence, his hands still cradling my face and sweeping away my tears with his thumbs as we stare into each other’s eyes.

“I’m scared Justin,� I speak up finally, but barely above a whisper.

“Why? What are you scared of?� He asks at the exact same decibel.

“A lot of things actually, but coming clean to Nick is at the top of my list.� I pull away from him this time and make my way back to the bed…the bed that Justin and I have spent the last three nights fucking each other in.

“You’re going to tell him while we’re here?� He asks while taking a seat next to me.

“Justin I have to. I can’t keep stringing him along and having him think that we’re going to be together when I’m involved with someone else. I don’t regret what’s been going on between us, but I need to do this because it’s been eating away at me since that first night and he doesn’t deserve this Justin…he doesn’t deserve what I’ve been doing to him.�

“Then I understand,� he responds as solemnly as I feel. “You have to do what you have to do then.�

“I just don’t want him to hate me,� I say as my voice cracks and the tears begin to flow again. “He’s going to hate me so much and th—�

“Shhh baby girl,� he interrupts me again as he maneuvers my body into his lap and places my head in the crook of his neck. Despite all the emotions, fears, and insecurities I’ve been feeling since I’ve been in Australia, I instantly feel all of those things melt away as Justin holds me and gently rocks me in his arms.

“He’s going to be pissed, hurt, and humiliated, but he’s not going to hate you. If he cared about you as much as he told you he did and as much as I’ve heard him talk about you, then hate is the furthest thing from his mind. No one could hate you baby, no one ever could,� Justin coos into my ear.

“Justin you don’t know that, people hate other people every day; I’m no different.�

“Well I would like to think that Nick would understand that you’re human and that people fuck up every day, that our imperfections make us who we are. I know that I would try to view you in that way.�

“Yeah after you’d cuss me out and write a song about me,� I retort. He laughs heartily and I can’t help the few chuckles that escape me.

“There’s my smile,� he says while gazing adoringly into my orbs. “You know Selah, you’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for and I know that fear can paralyze the best of us and talk us out of the things that we need to do in our lives. But if this is causing you all this emotional grief, then you need to tell him. Besides if there’s one thing that I hate, it’s seeing you cry.� With that, he ends his sentence by placing a sweet kiss to my lips. I can’t help but weakly smile at the gesture.

“So what happens after?� I inquire.

“What do you mean what happens after?� He replies curiously.

“What happens between us after this is all said an done?�

He gives me a lop-sided grin and I swear I feel my heart skip a beat. “Remember what I told you the other day? Whatever goes down between you and Nick or you and me just know that I’m never going to let you go and I meant what I said.�

Should I be scared right now? I guess I shouldn’t be because I know how passionate Justin is about the things in his life, especially the people he lov—

I look into his eyes again and I see how they’ve darkened in just these few minutes. It’s only been two months, there’s no way that he could really...I mean he was just using the “L� word loosely when he came to my house on Sunday. But then I’m jolted back to the memory of my own words that I spoke to him:

…You should know better than anyone that love does not work according to your schedule…

I’m not going to ask him about it nor am I going to push him to say it because he’ll do it on his own. Besides I’m probably going crazy with everything that’s going on right now. But is it crazy of me to think that I see it his eyes or that I feel it in the way that he talks to me, kisses me, touches me…makes love to me?

“Selah, what are you thinking about right now?� He whispers against my lips and I realize how crazy I must look just staring at him. That’s when I feel my heart begin to race, my breathing become shallow, and my stomach flip-flop. Despite all of that, all I want to do is kiss him.

I kiss the hell out of that little perfect mouth too, each kiss becoming more passionate and aggressive as the moments pass and I feel my back being laid down on the bed. I swear he’s like a drug, only he’s worse than any fine white powder because I don’t think I could give him up even if I tried. He’s an addiction of the worst kind, not because he’s already conquered my mind with the things that he says and my body with the way that he works me, but because he’s beginning to take over the most important part of me: my heart.

Before I know it, his oversized t-shirt that I was wearing and my panties have been discarded as well as his boxers. His lips are making a hot trail down my neck and have stopped at my breasts, taking time to lick and suck on my nipples before making their way down to my bellybutton. I shiver as his tongue dips inside before placing kisses around it and all over the rest of my stomach. In the short amount of time that we’ve been involved I’ve learned that Justin loves foreplay, which is a blessing and a curse. Most times I can handle it and enjoy letting him lavish my body with kisses, touches, licks and nibbles. But as the night goes on and the dick-crazed-nymphomaniac that he’s awaken comes out of me, I want him to work my body until I scream for mercy…and even during those times, I don’t really want him to stop.

I’m throbbing and juicy as hell and ready for him to give me what it is I crave, but I notice that he’s continuing his descent down my body, taking his time to suck and nip at my thick thighs before moving to my calves and ankles. We never break eye contact as I watch his navy blues eye-fuck the hell out of my body and finally land in between my legs. My pussy lips twitch with anticipation as I realize what he’s silently asking me and I give him permission, all without saying a word.

He lowers himself to his knees before his hands grip my hips and tug me closer to the end of bed. I bite my lip in pleasure as I feel his tongue create patterns along my inner thighs and my bikini line. My juicy depths are screaming for release while Justin acts as if we have all the time in the world, but I’m too proud to beg, even though I’m about to explode before he even touches me. My fingers sneak into his soft, short curls and I try to guide his head, but he won’t be discouraged as he continues to tease me into sexual frustration.

“Is someone in a rush?� He asks with laughter in voice.

“C-c-can you just…do it already?� I all but stutter and moan out in question form. I refuse to beg this man, I just refuse.

“Do what?� He whispers against the sensitive skin of my mound before placing a kiss there.

I realize that this is the oddest time to think about this, but I’ve started to notice that I’ve either been on the brink of tears or have burst into them whenever Justin are intimate with each other, this time being no different. Perhaps some would think of that as a weird or bad thing, but it all goes back to how vulnerable he makes me feel. I have friends that I’ve know since I was six years old, a family that has watched me grow into the person I am today, but never have I ever felt so open, so real with Justin and it’s overwhelming but in a good way. As the tears glisten in my eyes and his eyes meet and search mine, he sees that, he understands it, and most importantly he feels it. With that in mind, he stops with his teasing and starts being open and real with me as his lips finally come into contact with mine.

The tears finally roll down my cheeks as I gasp out in pleasure and his velvety tongue explores my depths. He wastes no time delving inside my swollen walls, using his thumb to gently caress my clit as my toes curl in orgasmic anticipation. I try not to succumb to the sensations that he wreaks upon my body, but I can’t help myself as my juices flow freely onto his awaiting tongue. I grab a handful of his hair as my hips began to rock against his mouth, seeking more of him as he sucks and pulls away from my engorged petals with a smack. I have to put a pillow over my mouth when I feel the tip of his tongue brush against my g-spot and my walls start to convulse as they give way to my first orgasm and my euphoric cries reach their peak. But once again, he’s not deterred allowing me to rest only for a few moments before I feel him place sweet chaste kisses to my pearl.

I remove the pillow and watch as he braces his arms around my hips and thighs and drapes my legs over his shoulders. The sweet chaste kisses to my clit turn into passionate sucks and shiver-inducing hums as his name spills from lips in a medley of “yes,� “fuck,� and “oh my god.� That familiar ache is settling in my abdomen again and I know that it won’t be long before I detonate against his tongue once more. But my moans and groans only encourage him to tighten his grip around me and bring me closer, to lick me faster, and to suck me harder, feasting on my body like it’s his last meal. And when he slips two his of thick, gorgeous digits inside of me…I-I…damn.

Ear piercing screams bounce off of the bedroom walls as my juices flow from mine. A light sheen of sweat coats my body as I come down and try to catch my breath. I’m still shivering and shaking as his hands make their way up my body to caress my breasts as he continues to intimately kiss me below my hips. Soon those kisses make their way up my body before landing on the ones above my waist. His lust-filled orbs meet mine and I wrap my legs around his slim waist, bringing his warm body against mine. Fuck, he’s so hard right now too and I want him inside me so bad but…it’s almost 9:45 and I have to go.

“You leaving me?� He asks softly, reading my thoughts.

“You know I don’t want to.�

“Just say you were in the gym getting a work out,� he says with naughty grin.

I laugh, “More like getting worked out.�

“10 minutes baby? Just…okay, 15 tops!�

“You can’t even cum in 20. Now come on, I have to go.�

He pouts, knowing that I can’t resist his big baby self when he does it. “Don’t make me beg you...� Dammit, I’m about to lose this argument. Especially with him sucking on my neck like that.

“Justin…�

“I wanna feel you Selah, I wanna feel you squeeze my dick baby...� he whispers against my skin. I think I just came again.

“You gonna let me feel you from the inside?�

And at 9:44 on a Sunday morning, the nymphomaniac has been awakened. “Where’s a condom?�
**********************************************
Girls Dressing Room, Brisbane Entertainment Centre, 7:31 p.m.

Well 10 minutes turned in 25 before I all but ran out of Justin’s room. I couldn’t run too well because my legs still felt like Jello after busting my third nut of the morning, but after a few lingering kisses in his doorway, I hauled ass as best as I could to the elevator before pressing the seven button in order to make it back to me and Ava’s room. I was sweating bullets of sex and apprehension praying that my sister wasn’t in our room in order to interrogate me. If all went well, I would take a shower, dress, and head down to breakfast where hopefully everyone else was. Turns out God still loved me because the only trace of my sister in our room was the note that she left on my bed stating that she didn’t know where the hell I was, but that she headed down to breakfast with the other girls. By the time I made it downstairs, the girls had finished eating but were still chatting away. I guess I won them over with my lie about being in the gym this whole time, well all of them except my sister who laughed at the mere thought of me getting up early to do anything. But after giving her the stink-eye and calling her out on her own laziness she relented and had no choice but to take my word. But like I said before, my sister ain’t no fool, she’s starting to smell my trail of bullshit all the way from Justin’s door.

I haven’t seen Nick at all today, which sucks because I was hoping to kind of prep him before our relationship-ending, hate-spewing conversation tonight. I guess I’ll just have to wait until we wind down from the show. As much as I want to believe Justin on this one…Nick is going to hate me once I come clean to him. But I made my bed with Justin and I sure did lay in it, so now I have to reap what I sow.

“Earth to Selah…� I hear Michele’s voice interrupt my thoughts. The girls laugh at me and I can’t help but laugh at myself, I guess I was real out of it for a moment.

“And what are you thinking about Ms. Bernstine?� Tammy inquires with some sass.

“More like who are you thinking about…� Dana jumps in. Ugh, if they only knew.

“Hell, I think I’m still trying to adjust to Australian time. I swear I left my brain somewhere in one of those oceans we flew over,� I giggle nervously.

“You sure baby sis? I can hear your thoughts, that’s how hard you’re thinking right now,� my sister asks while she and the other girls laugh at me again.

It really shouldn’t be this hard, she’s my sister, my best friend and of all the people in my life, I shouldn’t be lying to her. She’s looking at me, her eyes practically begging me to tell her what’s going on and I just…I can’t do this anymore.

“Ava, there’s somethi—�

“Ladies…are you decent?� A knock and a raspy voice asks us.

“Is that Eddie out there sounding like his throat needs a lube job?� My sister cracks while the rest of us die of laughter.

“I think it is,� Nanci says before getting up to answer the door. “We need to make sure that he drinks plenty of water tonight.�

“And gargles with Jergens afterward to keep his throat moist,� Tammy throws in, making us double over in fits of laughter once again.

We were correct in our assumptions as Eddie, Sky, Marty, and Nick enter our dressing room. Just his presence makes me want to go crawl in a hole and die; I’m not ready to face him yet. But when my browns meet his usually sleepy blues, I see no emotion. The usual shine that’s there is missing and even as he smiles in front of everyone, I know that it’s not genuine. I feel a dull pain in my chest as that smile slides right off of his face when our eyes meet again. I know I’ve been given a lot of chances to make things right and I know I haven’t taken them, but please don’t tell me this is happening right now, just…I won’t believe anything or get myself hyped up until this show is over and we make it back to the hotel. Until then, Nick just has the case of performance jitters and we are just. fine.

I make my way over to him with a hopeful smile on my face. “Hey babe, I’ve missed you today,� I say while wrapping arms around his neck. He returns the gesture by limply wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Oh yeah?� He replies with disinterest, but I don’t let it get to me. I can’t let it get to me.

“Yeah. Where have you been?�

“I could ask you the same question.� And just like that, our conversation stops. We sit and stare into each other’s eyes and I start to feel that burn in my throat when I’m trying to hold back tears. I can’t admit my guilt, not here, not before we’re about to take the stage in front of all these people.

“Nick, I—�

“We need to talk when we get back to the hotel,� he interrupts me coldly.

“Okay.� I reply barely above a whisper before he walks away and joins everyone else.

And so it begins and here I was hoping that God have mercy on his soul. I just hope after all is said and done God will have some mercy on mine.
*************************************************************
11:54 p.m.

Lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked the sinful road
And I'm down on my knees
Lord have mercy on me, please

It’s crazy but I feel like I’m walking down the green mile or some shit. I have that familiar feeling in my heart where I feel like it’s about to burst due to all the anxiety and apprehension. It’s the same feeling I had when Nick and I first kissed, the same feeling I had when Justin and I first had sex. My legs feel like lead with every step I take toward Nick’s room, but I need every ounce of strength that I have because I need to tell him the truth and as much as it’s going to hurt, I need to let him go. At this point, I don’t care if I leave this tour alone; I came here that way didn’t I? Frankly I don’t deserve Nick or Justin based on my actions because I’d rather have no one than be resented for who I would have chose.

I knock on his door before I hear his voice telling me to come in. It’s as if the room knows that something is up based on the way the lamps cast off a dismal glow. But it’s nothing compared to the sight before me that sends hot tears cascading from my eyes: Nick sitting on the side of the bed, dejectedly hunched over with his head in his hands.

Jesus, I must confess
That in all my loneliness
I've forsaken and I've sinned
Leavin’ fragments of a man so broken

I stand there, just staring at his broken form. But before I allow myself to become an emotional mess, I have to get this out.

“Nick—� I croak out before stopping. I hadn’t realized how my throat feels like sandpaper and my tongue feels like molasses. But I start over again anyway, slowly but surely.

“Nick, I need to tell you that I haven’t been completely honest with you and that I’m doing this because I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have. I know that I told you that I was willing to give us a try, but I can’t…because I don’t deserve a try.�

I could tell you what I've done
Or should I tell you where I went wrong

“We’re not even together and it hurts so bad for me to tell you this because despite what you may think, I care so much about you…so much about you that I have to tell you that Just—�

“How long?� His voice cuts through me like a razor blade and makes me loose my train of thought. But I know what he’s asking and as much as I didn’t want to believe it, tried to push my suspicions aside, he knows. He’s known for a long time.

“How long wha—�

“Don’t fucking play me Selah,� he seethes, finally showing me his puffy, bloodshot eyes. I want to fall over and die right now, but I don’t deserve such a cop-out way to go.

I watch as he gets up and begins to pace. “How long have you been texting him, calling him, spending time with him, hugging him, kissing him? How long have you been lying saying that you were one place when you were really with him? How long have you been lying to me, convincing me that you care about me, that you were committed to making us a real thing? How long have you been lying to yourself?�

I can’t even answer him because everything that I’ve tried to keep shadowed in darkness is finally coming to the light and I can’t run from it this time. All I can do is just stand here and cry.

“How long…� he pauses to swallow the lump that’s in his throat. “How long have you been fucking him?� That question alone elicits a sob to tear from my throat and escape my mouth before I can stop it.

“You know when I saw the two of you this morning in his doorway, I didn’t even want to believe it because I knew my Selah, my beautiful Selah wouldn’t do that to me. She’s too kind, too selfless, too loving to hurt someone in that way. But then…you were wearing the same outfit you wore to rehearsal on Saturday and he was shirtless, skin fucking flushed from FUCKING YOU!!� He bellows the last part, making me flinch and cry harder.

“So tell me, how long?�

Well the more that I start to play, yeah
My deceitful evil ways
Keep growin’ stronger by the day

“Things first started happening in New York, at the club. I know that I’ve given you no reason to believe me, but we just danced together, that’s it. We flirted with each other after that, but I decided to leave him alone because I had you and he was with Jessica. But when we got to Vegas, things got out of hand the night that you guys danced for me,� I pause to sigh remembering how disastrous that night turned out to be.

“I left my cell phone in Justin’s room and when I went back to get it, one thing led to another and he…he touched me—�

“Where?� He interrupts, his question sounding more like a statement.

I sigh uncomfortably again; does he actually want to know? I really hope he doesn’t ask for details about the night Justin and I first had sex. “He fingered me Nick. But when I got a little too caught up in the moment and asked him to break up with his girlfriend because what we were doing was wrong, we got into a huge argument. He called me a hypocrite because if he was cheating on Jessica, then I was cheating on you, so I decided to leave him alone for good that time. But he apologized for what had happened between us and he seemed genuine so I suggested that we become friends, you know start over from scratch. Well that led to him asking for my number—�

“And fucking your brains out? What an endearing tale, Selah,� Nick cracks sarcastically. “Since we’re on the topic, the one topic that you claimed you had no experience in, that you wanted to wait to do, when did it happen huh?� He asks while getting all up in my face. I never knew that his sleepy blues could harbor so much anger and disgust, but those two emotions seem to ooze from his pores when I finally answer his question.

“A week ago, the night before we left,� I answer quietly while looking down at the floor.

“Is he the reason why you’ve been staying at the hotel these last few nights?� He asks solemnly. The silent tears begin to roll down my cheeks again as I nod affirmatively.

He mimics my actions, “Okay…that’s all I wanted to know.�

I watch as he walks away from me and returns to his spot on the bed. “That’s all?� I ask meekly, but he doesn’t respond. I make my way over to him, falling to my knees in front of him.

“Nick, I didn’t come here expecting forgiveness, but if there is any chance that you will, I…� I trail off as my emotions get the best of me and my body shakes with silent sobs. “I’m sorry, I just need you to know that I’m so so sorry…�

Oh Lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
So I’m gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on me please

“Selah, if this were any other person I would have told them off the second I saw them with someone else or I would have kicked them out of my room a long time ago. But in two measly little months, I fell hard for the girl that I met in that hotel elevator. Selah I lov—loved you. I saw great things for me and that girl I met, but now…I don’t know where she is because now she’s been replaced by this ugly, hurtful, and selfish person that I don’t even know. I mean where did she go?� He asks as his voice cracks and tears adorn his face.

I bury my face in his knees as I feel another pain in my chest based off of the words he just spoke to me because I’ve been wondering the same thing: Who am I?

“I don’t know Nick, I really don’t know,� I hear myself answer truthfully.

I’ve been careless and I have been warned
And the devil inside me is torn
God bless the man that I have scorned

“Then until you find her, I think it’s best that you leave me alone.� And there it is, the final nail in the coffin that is Nick and Selah and it’s all because of me.

With that, I gather what’s left of me and place a small kiss to his forehead before picking myself up off the ground and making my way to the door. There’s no “See-you-later,� no kiss or hug goodbye, just silence that has suddenly become so unbearably loud. I stumble down the hotel hall clutching my chest in a heap of torn emotions, endless tears, and a broken heart. I was so prepared for him to keep screaming at me, to tell me to go to hell, to hate me. But to hear him say that he loved me, past tense now thanks to what I’ve done, I can’t help but mourn the love that I never knew I had.

I let my back hit the door as I slide down to the floor of my room with my hand over my mouth in order to conceal the increasing volume of my sobs.

“ ‘La, is that you?� I hear my sister ask from the bathroom. I don’t answer her because I know that she’ll hear me before she sees me. A blurry blob is all I can make out through my tears as my sister rounds the corner and runs to my hunched form.

“Selah?!! Selah? Selah, what happened? What’s wrong?� She asks me frantically. But I still can’t find the voice to respond to her.

“Selah,� she says firmly while cupping my face in her hands. “You have to talk to me, you have to tell me what’s going on—�

“I’m sorry,� I blurt out suddenly. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone I swear!�

“Selah, what are you talking about? Why are you sorry babe?� That’s when I see my sister’s eyes and I see how scared she is because she knows that whatever I’m about to tell her is going to blow her mind.

Well I’ve gone and confessed my regrets
And I pray I’m not held in contempt
I’m so lost and I need you to help me repent

“Ava…I need to tell you something.�