*Justin*

There are times when I wish I wasn't who I was. I wouldn't have to worry about being incognito all the time, going to the grocery store wouldn't be an adventure in itself and just simply walking around the block would not result in forty thousand pictures and words describing what I had been (or had not been, for the tabloids) doing in great detail gracing magazine and major papers that gave a damn about that kind of thing everywhere. I wouldn't be so worried about my family's well-being all the damn time, I wouldn't have to worry about women (and some men) stalking or camping out in front of the gates of my home just hoping for some glance at my life. And I wouldn't have my heart as bruised as it is now.

My life isn't what people expect it to be. It's not all glitz and glamour; it isn't all about getting free stuff and I don't get money handed to me. I put my pants on one leg at a time, feet go in my shoes just the same. There are times when all I want to do is curl up in my bed with my comforter and a good movie (or ten) and stay there the entire day, not caring how I appeared or smelled; I just wanted to be alone, to be with myself, and my mood only.

Of course, if I didn't have the life I had, then I wouldn't have all that I do. I wouldn't be able to make sure my brothers go to a good school, that my parents are taken care of, that I am taken care of. I can buy just about anything my little heart desires, and most of the time, I get it free if I even mention having it in an interview (which, definitely has it's perks). I live in an amazing house in an amazing community (for the most part) and I wouldn't have met four of my best friends if it hadn't of been for the life I have.

Nor would I have met Britney. But she's another story.

And then there is Alisan. Or San (Almost like Van, but with an S), as I like to call her. She is the polar opposite of every person I have ever known. I am so used to having my choice in women, not having to worry where my next date is coming from, or if a woman finds me attractive that hanging with her, I question all of that.

San has been a close friend for about five years. We met in Malibu at some party thrown by Alyssa Milano (somehow, they're related, but I couldn't tell you how) who I was dating at the time, and by Alyssa's introduction (and pressure for me to befriend her since she was new to California), she and I began talking. We talked about everything from our favorite beaches to our favorite elementary school teachers. Everything, but our occupations. She not once asked me about my fame, my status; it was just like I was back home again, talking to one of my childhood friends. We instantly clicked, and thinking about it back then, it surprised me.

I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this, I know ... and I'll probably go to hell for it, too: San was not my type at all. To me, she was plain and just someone I could be friends with and tell basically anything to. She didn't have an amazing body like Britney had pre-asshole, Alyssa's soft curves, or Cameron's amazing face. She did have amazing hair, though. Thick, full of waves and always put together. She did have Alyssa's smile, which was beautiful all in it's own, but her whole package to me was shit. And that's horrible for me to say, but back then, when my ego was at it's highest (c'mon, go from a platinum selling group into a platinum selling solo career, followed by a couple of Grammy's, you'd be too), she was the last woman I'd even consider getting with, sleeping with, all that honkey dory.

And then, two years ago, that changed. Maybe, maybe it was trigged by her love for one of my former band mates and close friends, or maybe, I just began to see her for who she was. I even remember the day the jealousy reared it's ugly head and panged me in my ego-driven heart. JC had been looking for a home closer to the studio, and since she was a real estate agent, she offered to show him a few good choices. JC, being Mr. Fickle that he was, had asked me to come along and help the choosing process be just a bit smoother. And then, in the midst of hour four (yes, hour four), with they both flirting shamelessly yet JC completely unaware that they were doing it and there were feelings coming from her end, I began to take a lot of notice in her that I hadn't before.

I imagined kissing her full, pouty lips. I wanted to run my hands through that full head of brown waves. I wanted to hold her against me and feel her breathing against me. I took notice of the sweet perfume she had on, and immediately, that was forever my favorite smell: a mix of vanilla, amber and what I thought to be musk. I heard her laugh and I immediately wanted to be the one she was laughing with, saw her smile and wanted to be the one she was smiling at. I wanted her brown eyes to be looking back at my blue ones ... I wanted to be the only one she saw for miles and miles (just like that one song ... calling on to my true Tennessee roots, here).

And it wasn't just a jealousy thing like I had assumed it to be. It went on for days, weeks, months ... and here we are, two years later. She was still lusting after JC, and I was still feeling jealous.

For a while, I began to make excuses as to why I felt that way: I didn't want my friendship to change because she'd be with JC (or they started to hate each other), I thought the two of them deserved better than the other (meanwhile, they were perfect for each other) and I just didn't like the fact that oblivious, head always in the clouds, naive JC was getting someone that loved him (regardless of he knowing or not) and I was stuck on rebound after my 'jealousy' began rearing it's head while Cameron and I were together and she felt as if she were becoming a third wheel with the jealousy.

She did have a point though. I seemed to make it a daily, no, make that hourly infatuation with coming up with more assinine reasons as to why I didn't understand Alisan or JC. Hanging out with JC became a chore: I was thinking of ways to downgrade what he thought of Alisan to begin with to make her look worse than she really was so that he would have no intention on dating her or even feeling something for her. I began feeding ridiculous stories of JC and his so-called 'crazy' ways to make him look like something she'd never want to be with. And for a while, it seemed to work.

And then, on Christmas Day, Chris Kirkpatrick and the mistletoe became Timberlake enemy numbers one and two.

Mid-conversation, Chris (Let's point out everything and make everyone notice what I had pointed out) Kirkpatrick, another one of my former bandmates and the oldest friend I had (besides Cameron) who also acted like my youngest brother, pointed out that both JC and Alisan were standing underneath the mistletoe that Cameron had placed in the archway of my home. Going with tradition, a stuttering Alisan was kissed by a slightly bewildered JC, he unsure whether or not she'd accept the kiss with tradition.

Oh, she accepted it.

She accepted it so much that Joey had to break them up. Christmas became my least favorite holiday, dropping from first to last quite quickly. It was actually two days later that Cameron left my sorry, pathetic ass in the dust, saying, "if you're so in love with me, you need to stop being in love with someone else", and left it at that.

That was four months ago. Well, almost five. San and JC had a few dates, but with his album being recorded and he doing promotional work, he hasn't been around to do much of anything in L.A. as of late. San had been busy showing off houses to the likes of Nicky and Paris Hilton, George Clooney and Brangelina (who actually chose to live in New Orleans instead after a while). Her favorite, who was now my least favorite man in the world, Matthew Perry, had actually called her a few days prior to set up an appointment to look at a house that was near JC's old one.

Now, of course, me being the Justin Timberlake, I brushed it all off and acted like a cocky asshole about it. I said how much of a pussy Matthew was, how he was probably gay, and how, if he wasn't, was just interested in a piece of ass, not a piece of land.

She was insulted by all but that last one. According to her, he'd be the only one that she'd turn into a whore for.

Damnit.

This brought out the even more cocky, arrogant side of me, making idiotic comments and suggestions, she brushing them off like they were nothing and bringing my ego from the size of the Goodyear blimp to the size of those little foil balloons on sticks. Major difference.

She was the only one who seemed to have the ability to do that. When, years ago, Britney and I started hanging out, I courted her (yes, courted) and she turned me down a few times before finally agreeing. I kept with the notion that I was the Justin Timberlake, and the Justin Timberlake could get any piece of ass (or breast[s]) that he wanted and she meant nothing. Good for a relationship, right? Actually, good for putting a good impression on a girl, right? It worked for Brit, Alyssa and Cameron.

But not Alisan.

Maybe that was her difference compared to all of the other girls. From the get-go, she never bought my act, she never once fed on my fame or my name. She didn't play that game, it wasn't her. She had a similar upbringing, though her life took a different route and she was still that same girl from Georgia with the same cute accent, while I was a prick with a Hollywood state of mind and a slight twang that only came out when I was upset or angry.

She treated people with respect, but didn't give it if she wasn't given it in return. She was sweet, soft-spoken and sincere, yet sassy, seductive and stubborn. She never once put a person down, she didn't live in the Hollywood way of life and she did not believe that being in one place should be any different from living somewhere completely different. To her, the little town of Newnan was the big city. There was nothing she couldn't do, and nothing she questioned.

Her taste in music always confused me. It ranged from the likes of Chuck Berry, to though I just got her to admit it recently, me. She despised rap, but lived for the 'feel-good pop music' that seemed to die off after both my group and Backstreet took a break (or, hiatus, as my group did). I found a mix in her cd with Hanson it, and she just rolled her eyes and played it. She mentioned going to school with whomever two of the Hanson's married, feeling old because one married at 18, the other at 22, and here she was, 25 and single.

And I thought to myself, "I can change that, you know", but I didn't say anything. I knew she would think that I wanted to set her up with someone, while I was only thinking of myself. And I came to the realization that I am all I think about. I worry more about me than anyone else ... at least, I used to, until she came along. I wanted her to be happy and with someone, but I didn't want her to be happy with JC as that someone; I wanted to be that someone.

This was one of the moments where I wished I had not been who I was. Why? Because then, my ego wouldn't be bigger than my body and I could just say it to her. But, deep down, for some mysterious reason that I didn't understand, I could not do it. Maybe it was pride, maybe it was still me being in denial that I probably (okay, definitely) liked her, but I couldn't open my mouth for that subject. Anything else, her ear would fall off from listening to me. But she listened and never complained.

And for another reason I could not explain, she kissing JC still bothered me. I wondered what it would feel like to be in his position, to feel her mouth against mine and see if they molded together and fit just like a romance story would describe, or would our mouths be so clumsy that I'd bite her lip or our teeth would clank together like two sticks, cracking a tooth or maybe knocking one out?

I saw how she leaned into him, saw how he held her delicately as if she'd break. That was just like JC, always the charmer, the chivalrous one of the bunch. I, on the other hand, if it were me, I would have had her against the wall and pressed so hard against me it'd be hard to breathe because she'd be concentrating on where my hands would be going. JC is the map, the one who takes and gives direction; I am the typical man who just wings it and will go in all the wrong places, even if you argue and tell me the other way.

But hey, that's just me. I've always found my way to my destination, so I can't complain.

I do have to admit that we have kissed before. It isn't like you'd think, though. In January, I left for my tour and wouldn't be back home for three and a half months. Then, in August, I'd leave again to finish off the rest of the tour ... but, back to what I was saying ... I was leaving for almost four months, and it was probably the longest I'd go without seeing her, since there was no break in the midst of that, and she couldn't get time off to visit, so we'd communicate only through phone and messaging on the computer (which, was actually fine by me, because I wouldn't have to see her and think about her constantly). I was just about to go through bag check and she had hugged me and pecked me on the mouth, saying she loved me and she'd see me when I got home. I also got a warning (and a bad hint at a joke) that if I misbehaved, she'd have the whip waiting. I rolled my eyes and repeated what she had said to me (though the 'I love you' came out almost in a stutter because I felt confused saying it) and waved her off. Secretly, I was wishing that she had the whip and really was waiting for me (I'd misbehave all she'd want if she was the one dominating ...) and still felt the tingle on my mouth from where her lips had touched my own.

When I got on the plane, I had immediately fallen asleep. I dreamt about her (not shocking) and I fighting about something, but in the end, she had kissed me there, too. But this kiss, it was powerful. And my God, did it feel good. It was better than I imagined it to be (I have a very wandering imagination) and when I woke up after a slight bout of turbulance, I still felt that familiar tingle and smelled the hint of what seemed to be either cherry or strawberry lipgloss still on my mouth. I had brought my hand up to my mouth and shut my eyes; there, she was still kissing me goodbye and I wasn't even close to getting on the plane yet.

For about a month or so, my mind did wander away from my feelings toward San. I was forever thankful, but (surprisingly) depressed about it. Did I want to feel what I felt for her? Did I even know what I felt for her? Was it still jealousy, or did I actually like her? We spoke daily, but none of the conversations seemed to answer any of my questions and it pissed me off.

And then suddenly, after the near four month absence, seeing her in the airport waiting for me answered every single question I had ever wondered.

She waited until I had gone past security, and as soon as I had put my bags down, she ran at me with this huge smile on her face and I immediately knew it was for me, that she was running to me because she missed me. She cared about me, and I cared more about her then I let on. She held onto me tightly and threatened that if I didn't take her with me the next time I left for a long time, she wasn't ever talking to me again. I felt wanted, needed, and I really didn't remember the last time I felt that way. She was good for me, she was the one piece of my life that kept me grounded (well, almost) and made me feel as if I were just some normal guy - and I needed that.

She kissed my cheek numerous times, and when I turned my head to stop her with a grin on my face, her mouth pressed hard against mine once more, but it lingered, it didn't move as quickly as the peck did. And I liked it. A lot.

She pulled away, somewhat embarassed, yet somewhat joking about it, saying that she must have missed me more than she had thought, and grabbed a bag, my hand and led me to her car. She joked about my disguise, saying that if someone really wanted to find me, they would, and it probably would have been a better disguise if I had not worn anything. She talked the whole way home about what I missed, what I didn't miss, how her work was going - and then she finally asked how I was, how I was doing, and asked if I was tired and wanted a place to crash instead of being in a place that reminded me of where I was for four months.

I whole-heartedly accepted her invitation. Not only for the familiar, yet not close to my life place to live, but to be near her for longer.

And that, was when I realized I was in love with her. Not just, infatuated love, the more-so defined lust that made you want to jump that person all the time and call it day, it was the 'constantly on my mind, wonder what they're doing', head-over-heels, first thought on my mind waking up, last leaving my mind falling asleep kind of love. I obsessed with reasons as to why I was jealous, and never sat back and thought about it. But now, sitting in her guest room while she goes over some last minute plans with a contractor for a house she had just put up for sale, I know what it is I'm feeling.

And for the first time in my life, I'm scared to death.

*Alisan*

Justin Randall Timberlake is an asshole. A cocky, arrogant, self-centered, egotistical asshole. Funny thing is, he knows it. When he tries to be normal, he somehow ends up being more cocky than ever. And yet, he's my best friend and I wouldn't change anything because of that.

Sure, there are times when I want to smack him and tell him that women are supposed to take longer in the bathroom than men, but I don't. I wanna ask him how much products he's putting in the little hair he does have, but again, I don't. I'd also want to ask him why he primps and moisturizes more than any woman I know.

But I don't.

So, as I'm standing here, looking down at the many face and hair products that take more than 3/4 of my counter up, I feel the need to. I hear him in his room singing some song I despise (rap, ugh) as I tap on his door gently, he pulling it open fully and giving me a big grin as he turns away and continues singing, turning so he was facing me and throwing himself on the guest bed, hands underneath his head, eyes at the ceiling. He looked happy.

I swallowed, looking around at all the luggage that the car had brought after us, sighing deeply. Nine suitcases. I don't think I even have nine suitcases worth of clothes to fit in six, let alone nine. Mind you, these suitcases could probably shelter us from a storm if we tossed his precious cargo out and threw it over us, but that's beside the point. "J," I finally say, looking over at him as he doesn't budge, not even an eye blink. "Justin," I groaned, trying to keep the smile from spreading across my face as I crawled from the foot of the bed towards his face, putting my chin on his chest as I study him. He's knocked out from exhaustion and there was no way I'd get him awake ... the boy would sleep through a huge ass earthquake and know nothing.

I jutted out my lip, rolling off of the bed and left the room, trying to keep quiet (though I knew it wouldn't matter, anyway). I figured a dinner for one was in order yet again, taking mental notes to call my supervisor again tomorrow to confirm all that the contractor had told me, and then to shop my little heart out as I usually did when things didn't go my way.

Going down the stairs of the small home (well, shoebox-sized compared to Justin's) home I owned, my fingers grazed the picture frames of friends and family from back home. It'd be a lie if I said I didn't miss it, because I did ... a lot. And if it weren't for Justin's constant reminders that I'm here to make a name for myself, I would have moved home a long time ago. I'm a homebody, a family-oriented woman who always dreamt of one day getting married and becoming part of a family all her own. And here I am, 25 and still single.

My love life was always one that would not cause a spark in anyone's interest. Two, maybe three boyfriends came and went ... and there was only one man I had ever felt close to loving. He was a few years older than me, a senior while I was a freshman, and although we stayed together for nine months, it ended just as randomly as it began.

I've come to the conclusion that while everyone around me is falling in love and having these amazing lives, I am going to be the lone one who settles on furthering her career because that is all she could do. I'll be the old spinkster woman with a billion dogs (I hate cats) and an old rocker sitting on the porch and yelling at kids because I'm angry I did not get to have any of my own.

Can you tell I've already planned that stage in my life out?

I had what people would call, an infatuation of sorts for Justin's close friend, JC for quite some time. To be honest, it was really up until a few weeks ago. There isn't really a reason as to why I don't feel for him anymore, it's just that I realized he and I were better off as friends because, let's face it, that's all I'd ever be to any man I'd fall for. My kind doesn't get the attention the other kind does.

I was a dancer for twelve years of my life. I had the definition of dancer's body, too: long, muscular legs, lean torso, barely there breasts, and a great posture. After falling and fracturing my ankle and tearing quite a few ligaments in my knee as a result of this fall, my career would never be the same. Instead of trying to even salvage what I had left, I quit. Long gone was that body, in place of it a somewhat defined lower body with a trick ankle that tends to give out at the least opportune times, a soft stomach that gives me hips I never knew I had and breasts that my mother (who is a full figured D, maybe pushing that) jealous of. I see no jealousy in this aspect. In fact, I hate them and the 30 pounds I gained from my new found time and boredom. On a normal, 5'6" or so body, give or take a few inches, that would look amazing - but, at 5'1", and a size 10, sometimes 12, it really doesn't.

But I'm not ashamed of my body. After seeing so many girls throwing themselves in eating disorders growing up, I took care of myself. I call this my 'fasting' period: 'Fast food, fast eating, fast weight'. And it came on quickly. Well, no. 30 pounds in nine years or so isn't that bad.

Maybe this would explain my love life lacking romance?

I tried everything to lose weight: Jenny, Weight Watchers, a place called Bariatrics, Bally ... none of it seemed to give me the results I remembered from dancing. Maybe that was my answer, though I refused to believe it since my body gave up on it so many years ago. Well, both my body and my mind. I did miss it though. A lot.

I stopped at a picture at the bottom of the staircase by the landing, a smile forming on my face. It was my last year of dance, and the instructor had chosen me for the encore finale, me being one of his best students. I was in the middle of a fan kick, head turned downward, arms at the sides of my face and my leg was in the opposite direction of my stance. It made a local newspaper, my mom calling to get the proof so that she could make copies. There, in front of me, was one of them.

Sighing deeply, I stepped down off the landing and shook my head. Somewhere, there was an even more beautiful picture and I just had to accept that my life is what it is - nothing was going to change, so I better get used to it. I pride myself in some aspects, I suppose. I do have a great smile, it being the most complimented feature I have; I have what my mom calls 'amber' eyes, though they aren't necessarily that light, and wavy hair that Justin envies. To hear a man say he wants your hair is slightly bothering, but coming from Justin, it's the hatred of his own curly hair and longing for a better 'do that comes out.

Justin says I'm a dreamer; that my head is in the clouds too much, imagining all that is good in the world but never fully embrace that if there was no bad, the good would never seem as sweet. I suppose he's right, but I can't help that I like to see the good in everything ... even Justin. I supposed that I probably would have fell for him, if he had been the good that I envisioned just like JC tended to do a lot more than he had. I know JC isn't perfect, I've heard stories, I've witnessed him ... but he is the sweetest, most caring and inspiring people I know. He is handsome in an almost unconventional way (his eyes take the cake) and he's modest about his looks, but when he's on stage, he oozes sexuality.

That is probably why I'm attracted to his type.

Justin, on the other hand, knows that women everywhere want him, so he's always thinking he's Mr. Sexpot. When we're in public, he walks with his nose high in the air and this way too confident gleam in his eyes. It's almost as if the world owes him something, rather than he owing the world. Outside of the little glass exhibit that the public had put him in, he is one of the sweetest guys I know. In fact, probably too sweet. He doesn't show it often, but he'll let you know when he cares about you. Recently, he's been a lot more like this than Mr. Egotistical that I've had to put up with.

He's also still unsure of who he is as a man. Obviously, he knows he's a man and he knows what kind of woman he wants, but as for finding himself on a deeper level, it's slow coming. The best thing I can say about him, is that he never once put me down just because he could. He has always been a postive influence, never once making a comment that he knew I'd take offensively. He's sensitive towards me, but what I don't understand, is his insensitivity to other women he had been around; they fell victim to his slight criticism when it should be me.

He did make me feel beautiful. I know I'm not exactly his type (okay, not at all), but he always make sure to compliment me when I have something new on, or I smell good. He's always supoorting me and being that ear when I need advice or a second opinion. He's always put my best interest in front.

I hear him moving from upstairs as I peered behind me, hearing his footsteps slowly descend the stairs. "Hey," I called, hearing him mumble a response. "Short nap?"

"Not tired," he grumbled, he looking down and scratching the back of his head as he said that. "I mean, I am, but it's the delirious tired that doesn't let you sleep, it just makes you feel like you are, but then again, you wanna run a thousand laps." He brought his face up to look at me, smiling. "It was a good, small power nap."

"A very small one," I laughed, glancing around the kitchen. I always kept the cabinets and refrigerator stocked, but nothing seemed to jump out at me to make for dinner. "What do you want to eat?"

He thought a moment, eyes casting a far off look in them as he went somewhere other than this world. Almost as quickly, he snapped back into reality and gave me a big grin. "I know!"

For figuring out what to have for dinner, he was way too excited. "What's that?"

"Madison Avenue."

"I don't carry Madison Avenue in my cabinets."

He rolled his eyes at my lame attempt at a joke, a smile playing on his lips. "C'mon, San; we haven't been out to dinner in a long time."

"Argh, all right," I laughed, giving in as he smiled wider. "I guess I gotta go change then, huh? And possibly shower."

"Yeah, stank ass."

I hit him playfully, running a hand through his short buzzcut. "Someone should not be talking," I teased, he grinning right back at me. "I'll go get ready ... let me know when you wanna go."

"Oh, I will ..."

I started to walk away, turning my head slightly to look at him. There was something written on his face that I couldn't figure out. It looked devious, like he was cooking up a plan, yet, in the midst of that, his face looked like he had just heard the worst news in the world. How those two came to a mix, I'll never know; now, I'm a little worried.

Maybe going to Madison Avenue wasn't such a good idea.

*Justin*

Madison Avenue is a place I should never have suggested. On one of my confident streaks, I thought: 'Good meal, good company, good dancing and great drinks. That'd be a great time to tell her how you feel'. I was so stoked for it, picturing how everything in the restaurant was red and black themed, dim, white lights everywhere, and a pretty decent band that played every night. She loved the place, and she rarely went, so why not treat her and surprise her?

And then, freaked out, question everything twice Justin reared his insane head the moment she stepped down the stairs in the little black dress that he remembered, yet tried to forget every time it met light. It was a halter dress, a simple red ribbon tie right below her bust to bring attention upwards, rather than to her lower half, the side curves of her breasts peaking out slightly. I saw that she had used some sort of shimmer, and playing with my keys was all that I could do without chickening out and telling her I didn't feel well and just wanted to go to bed. She had turned, the familiar lump in my throat forming when I saw the drop back with her small tattoo on her shoulder standing out fully. She was a simple girl, and the little peach with a stem and some leaves signified her Georgia roots well. I knew she had another tattoo, but she refused to tell me where or what it was.

Watching her rummage through her purse facing the opposite direction, I decided that her back was my third favorite thing on her. Not counting her bright smile and beautiful eyes, her long, lean back gave the impression she was much taller than she was. It was flawless, the addition of the tattoo quite appealing to me, making her seem a little less innocent than she actually was.

"Hey."

I brought my eyes up from staring at her strappy black sandaled feet with cute red nail polish (hey, I was trying to stop staring!), meeting her own. "Hey yourself."

She laughed, rolling her eyes slightly. "You look handsome. And hey, we match."

I looked down, the black pants, white tie and deep red tie definitely matching. Argh, I had mentally known she was going to wear that dress. I wanted to catch her attention, not on how we matched. That's not what I wanted. I wanted something better than that. Something that said, 'hey, you're sexy. Just do me on this here couch and we can call it a night', or maybe even a little more subtle, 'you look nice' would have worked and I -

... she called me handsome!

And now, I feel like a giddy little school girl. Do you see what this girl does to me?!

I bit the side of my mouth to surpress the grin I had itching to form on my face, extending my elbow for her to take as I led her out of the house towards my car that I had picked up as she was getting ready, she chuckling beside me. "What?" I asked, turning to her as I opened the door and let her get in as I shut it before she answered. Now what was she laughing about? "What's so funny?" I asked once I sat down, putting the key into the ignition and letting the engine roar to life. She was silent for a moment and I saw the smile playing on her lips as she tried to surpress another giggle. "Alisan," I laughed, "what is so funny?"

"You know, I think you love this car more than you love your career."

I gunned the engine a bit, grinning. "Quite possibly."

"Then your friends."

"Most of 'em." Hey, I was being honest.

"And your mama?"

"Definitely not." I smiled. "Mama is better than this car. She gives me food and peach cobbler."

She laughed, patting my hand. I almost gasped aloud, feeling a shock between our hands. Literally. She had just static-shocked me. Laughing again as she studied my face, she apologized. "Damn, I bet you love this car more than you love me and my red velvet cake!"

"You, maybe. The cake surpasses this car, also."

She mocked hurt, giving her little attitude with a sassy little head shake and turning in the opposite direction. "I don't think I want to go out with you tonight."

Laughing, I poked at her soft sides, my heart melting as she jutted out her lip to add to the effect. "San, you know you're better than the cake. And this car."

"But you like me, you love the car."

"I love you, too." I laughed. If only it were that easy to admit that I did love her ... just, maybe a little bit more than she realized. "You shouldn't have to question that!"

"I don't," she said, finally turning to me and smiling. Oh, God, there goes my heart. I hope she realizes that I stopped breathing. "I hope you know I care about you, too. You're like a big brother to me."

And I'm dead. Call the morgue, make sure they give me a nice solid casket and just put on my grave marker: Here lies Justin. Loved with his all, loved by all - except for the one that meant most. That was kind of harsh. Maybe something like: Justin Randall Timberlake. Born to perform, died from heartbreak. A little less in your face worked. A better approach, I suppose. This night totally called for a lot of drinks.

When we arrived, it was a lot less crowded than usual. But, of course, even with the lack of people, the one person I didn't want to be around was there.

"Jace, hey!"

I mentally slapped myself. Seriously? I picked this place? I lagged behind a bit, following Alisan towards JC as he approached us with a large smile, a few of his friends that I remember meeting at his party there with their respective dates and JC seemed to be solo. Great. Just ... great.

"Hey, man," JC's hand clapped on my shoulder, his eyes boring into mine like two drills, he attempting to get inside my head. My mom used to say that I had beautiful eyes, but JC's eyes seemed to be the one kind of blue that dug right into the inner-most part of a person and got to the root of everything. With one look, he'd dive deep into whomever he's looking at's eyes and into their soul. They were piercing, I knew, but obviously, being a straight man, I never paid that close attention to him like that. But now, trying not to look at him, I realized what my mom meant. He did read people well, he got into them, under their skin. "J," he said, shaking me slightly and getting me to look up. Looking behind us, he saw that Alisan had disappeared into the back, and turned back at me. "What's wrong? You two fighting or something?"

"I wish," I mumbled, it leaving my mouth quicker than I even realized it had spilled out. My eyes widened, and I saw the look of confusion on JC's face. "What?"

"What's going on with you, man?" He pushed me away from the doorway, his slightly smaller frame looking huge to me at this moment, he seeming like the fatherly-type at the moment. This was a first. "You've been acting different for a few months now ... I never wanted to say anything, but seriously, it's written all over your face that you're struggling with something. Is it your music? Family? You know you can talk to me -"

"I know I can talk to you," I interrupted, shrugging his hand off of my shoulder as he looked at me, another look of confusion flowing over his face. "But I can't, okay? I can't talk to you because ... just, because." I started to brush past him, his hand latching on my forearm and stopping me. Since when was JC this forceful? Damnit.

"Because why, Justin? Are you pissed at me? Was it something I said? I did? Damnit man, you're like a brother to me -"

Where did I hear that before?

"... I don't want you to have some sort of negativity towards me. We've been through a lot in the last eleven years. It'd suck if I didn't have you around anymore. Your friendship means a lot to me. I want to fix it if it was something I did ..."

And then, I snapped. "Jesus, JC," I raised my voice, watching as the man who had seemed to hold a higher ground than me suddenly fall before me, "it doesn't deal with us, okay? It deals with you and Alisan. It deals with me being a pansy and it deals with she being so in love with you that I'm nothing compared to you, okay? I'm not what I'd love to be and I can't change that because it's you she wants! It's you she has wanted ever since I can remember and when I even think about the thought of you two being together, it makes me sick! It makes me physically and emotionally sick! There! Are you happy now?!" I heaved out a breath, scared shitless. Why the hell did that come out?!

"J, I -"

"No," I held my hands up, chest still heaving from my heavy breaths. "I'm going inside. Just, don't talk to me tonight, okay? I can't deal with you or any of this right now."

"Justin, man, c'mon," JC's voice pleaded with me to stop as I tried to collect myself and my breathing as I breezed through the entryway towards the private backroom that I had reserved for us, sitting down across from her, she looking up from her menu and giving me a worried look. "What?"

"Sudden attitude?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "You okay?"

"Sorry," I said softly, looking down and busying myself with my own menu. "I'm all right. JC and I were just talking and I got a bit worked up about how JIVE has been treating him lately. Poor guy has been trying to get his album out and it just keeps getting pushed. And then, here's me, third album on the way and he can't even get his second out ..."

How easily I lied. Why couldn't it be just as easy to tell the truth? Maybe my life wouldn't be as ridiculous as it seemed to be headed towards.

"Oh," she said softly. She seemed to buy it. "I think I'm going to be a cheap date tonight and get a chicken salad with -"

"I didn't dress you up to let you be cheap," I said, cringing as it came out. "I didn't meant it that way ..."

She laughed. "I know. I'm just not as hungry as I thought. Maybe I'll get the chicken parmesean?

"That's what I'm getting," I nodded, closing my menu and looking anywhere but at her eyes that seemed to be boring into me. What is with people doing that to me today? "I've been craving it ever since I saw it advertised on Emerill's show."

"Since when do you watch Emerill?"

"When I sit in my hotel room and get bored because the nightlife in some cities are dull."

"There is porn."

"I don't watch porn."

"Bullshit," she laughed. "Justin Timberlake, you're almost thirty-years-old, I'd think you have looked at porn on a bored or rather horny night."

"Can we not talk about porn?" I asked, she laughing and dropping the subject. It'd be kind of hard to tell her that I infact did watch porn, I just imagined the two people doing it as us. Probably would blow over badly.

"All right," she said, voice trailing off. She pursed her lips, trying to think of something to say. God, don't do that with your mouth ... "I got asked out when you were outside," she laughed. "Imagine that, me, of all people, getting asked out."

"Why not? You look gorgeous," I said, shrugging. "It'd be hard for anyone to pass up some time with you." Especially me.

"Yeah, like JC, right?"

Oh, Jesus. "I'm gonna go get a drink at the bar. You want something?"

"... Yeah, sure." She looked puzzled at my sudden change in subject, waving her hand casually. "Anything you wanna get me is fine."

I nodded, turning on my heel and heading towards the bar. I passed JC's table, feeling his eyes burn into the back of my head as I continued to walk. I needed to forget this night, these feelings, those words I said. I needed to forget the life I was in, and I needed to forget it quickly. "Can I get a couple double shots of Jack, please?"

*Alisan*

Call me crazy, but I waited almost a half hour before going to check on where Justin had gone. Obviously, it didn't take more than maybe five minutes to get two drinks, but I imagined him bumping back into JC and his friends, stopping to bullshit a little and almost forgetting who he came with. Call me crazy, but I knew that wasn't it.

He probably ran into a beautiful girl, and was chatting her up, trying to get her number and forgetting about me completely. It wouldn't have been the first time I was forgotten about, though never by him. But, I knew by surveying the place when I walked in, it was a possibility, especially when I saw the women swarmed at JC's table. Justin and I's table was going to be just like that, if not worse. But thankfully, we had a private room where no one was allowed to enter unless permitted, but he leaving left that spot open for girls to shimmy their way into his heart just as quickly as it would take for him to flash a smile.

As luck would have it, he was sitting at the bar with a leggy blonde attached to his side and giggling against the side of his face. I was disappointed, yes, but I was ready for something like this to happen. I expected it. Maybe that was where I went wrong every single time: I expected the worse to happen and just let it happen because I gave up.

... but what was I giving up? He was just a friend. A friend who treated me just like he would if he were to have a sister. At least, that's how I saw it.

I sighed deeply, crossing my arms and leaning up against the wall, out of sight from him as he looked around the room. He had a look in his eyes, yet I couldn't place that look. His eyes met mine, he getting up slowly from the bar stool and staggering towards me. Drunk. That was what was in his eyes. He was drunk.

Why the hell was he drunk?!

"Hey, Sanny ..." He slurred, nearly falling into me as he got closer. I smelled the Jack Daniels on his breath before he was even within reaching distance. "I drank your drink ..."

"And everyone else's," I sighed, reaching for him as he pulled away from my grasp. "Justin," I said softly, he shaking his head. "What, Justin? What? What now? Why are you drunk this time?!"

"I drank myself into oblivion," he spit out, eyes following mine as I looked helplessly at JC, who had just now seen his state. He had gotten up quickly and was now crossing the restaurant to come to my aid. "Because of that," he snapped. "I drank myself away from this life so I wouldn't have to think of the two of you together anymore. I drank you away ..."

... what?

"Okay, Justin," JC said, reaching forward and grabbing the arm closest to him and wrapping it around his neck. "Let's get you home, buddy."

"No!" He pulled himself away from JC, staggering out the door as JC and I helplessly followed. "I'm not going home! I don't want to go to her home and I don't want to go to mine!"

"Then we'll take you to mine -"

"No, don't you get it?!" He cut off JC, snapping. "Taking me to your house would mean San would look after me and you'd be there. Thetwoofyouwouldbethereanditwouldstillhurt."

I stood there, trying to understand what he had just spit out in one long word. JC on the other hand, was still hot on his tail as he staggered in a zig-zag pattern across the parking lot. "Justin, honey, come on ..."

"Don't call me honey!" He snapped, turning to point his finger and literally falling over his own feet. He wasn't so graceful drunk. I was really getting curious about how much he had drank in that little time frame ...

"Justin, c'mon, man," JC said in a slightly lower, almost angry tone, "let's not get into this here, okay? You're drunk, you don't have any control of what you're saying. We both know you get yourself into trouble when you're drunk -"

"Why because I say what is on my mind?!"

"Exactly. Let's not say what's on your mind with San in the area, okay? Let's not bring her into this. You're drunk, and I know you don't want to get her involved ..."

"Get me involved in what, exactly?"

JC looked up at me as he hooked his arms underneath Justin's armpits, slowly lifting him up and giving me a look as to drop it. But I wasn't. This was obviously about me and I wanted to know why. "Get me involved in what, Justin?"

"Aly," JC warned, shaking his head as his eyes bore into mine. "C'mon, he's drunk, he doesn't know what he's saying -"

"We both know that's bullshit," I snapped as I listened to Justin's incoherent mumbling. "God damnit, Justin!" I threw my hands up, now becoming angry. "What the hell is wrong with you, huh? First it's the lack of social skills, then it's getting drunk, and now you're trying to pin blame on me for something I have no idea what, exactly and JC is covering for you! What the fuck?!" I walked over to his car, opening up the door and throwing my purse and lifting my foot up, pulling the heels off one after another. I tossed them to the back, slamming the door and walking over to him, now face to face with the slurring bastard. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"Alisan, seriously, you really don't want hear about this when he's drunk," JC said softly, Justin's eyes rolling in the back of his head. Oh, no, he wasn't getting off that easy. "God damnit!" I reached up, slapping his face. Hard. "Tell me what the hell is going on, Justin! Why the hell is he covering for you? What are you hiding?"

"I'm not covering for him, Aly," JC's voice brought me to look at him, he having the same bewildered look in his eyes as I did. Yet, his eyes had understanding in them. He knew what was going on. He knew what this was dealing with and wasn't telling me. "You know," I said softly, looking down and feeling hurt. Why was I the last one to know?

"I just found out, Al," he said softly. "You've gotta believe me. It wasn't for me to tell you -"

Justin was still holding his cheek as he slumped away from JC's grasp, swaying side to side as he sat on the concrete, head in hands as he tried to sober himself up.

"Someone needs to tell me what the hell is going on," I said, beginning to feel the anger boiling inside me even more. I realized that I swore a lot more when I was angry compared to the little amount I did when I was calm. "God damnit someone needs to talk and now!"

"J," JC said softly, he looking down at the top of his head. "You need to tell her, man. She won't let it drop and you'll feel better once you have it off your chest."

I looked from one man to the other, JC's chest rising and falling heavily, Justin running a hand through his short hair. Justin was still looking at the ground, and JC was looking at the top of his head.

What was this? Some sort of fucked up love affair that I had no idea about? Was this why JC and I weren't working out?

"I don't want you and JC to be together."

I felt my heart stop and a lump form in my throat. I was right. They were in love with each other. Justin was gay. JC was gay. God, I picked the greatest men.

Well, they are great ... but not great for me.

I took a deep breath, trying to hide my surprise. "Oh?"

"Yeah, 'oh'." Justin got up with the slight help of JC, he turning to look at him as JC urged him to go on. So basically, I need to start finding little knick-knacks with 'Chalake' on them for their housewarming gifts. "I don't want you to be with him. In fact, I don't want you to be with anyone."

I scoffed. "Well, that's not a hard one to work on."

So he wanted it to be like 'Will & Grace', except Jack and Will were in love and Grace was the old maid who lived with them and ate all their junk. As long as I get my hundred dogs, I'll do it.

"Alisan, are you listening to anything I'm saying?" He asked softly. I realized now that he was close to what looked to be tears, his face pale and ruddy from the alcohol. He was still swaying, and I then saw JC's hand steadying his shoulder. God, if they weren't gay, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself.

"Yes," I lied. "Justin -"

"I want you all to myself," he said softly, he hissing as he ran a hand through his hair once more, looking down. "I don't want you to be with JC -"

So, basically ... he wants to be old with me and own a hundred dogs, too? Single friends forever?

" ... I don't want you to be with anyone ... but me."

Huh?!

I swallowed, licking my lips slowly, my tongue almost getting stuck on my very dry lips. I looked to JC, he having a look of 'you better believe it' on his face. Was he serious? "Come again?"

"I want you to be with me. I want you to love me like I have loved you for so long. I don't want you to be with him, although I know the two of you are perfect for each other ... I knew you first, I want to be with you. I need you. We're both not perfect, but you're perfect for me ... I was so scared to love you, and then I realized it, and that scared the shit out of me ..."

How many times was he going to use perfect? And was I hearing this right? "Justin," I said slowly, trying to figure out my choice words, "I -"

"I love you, okay? I love you like I've never loved anyone before and it hurts so much that it scares me. It scares me to think that this could be it for me, after saying for so long I didn't think anyone would be ... and then you come around and change all of that. I didn't want to tell you, but I saw the way you looked at him and it killed me. I wanted you to look at me like that. It was eating me up for so long ... and then seeing you tonight just made it worse. I don't know - I'm still drunk but I'm totally sober saying this to you -"

I looked at JC once more, he nodding. "He's not lying," he said softly. "He told me before he went back to you in the restaurant."

"So you knew," I crossed my arms, JC nodding but shrugging. "And no one told me?"

"I just found out, Aly," JC said, holding his hands up in surrender. "I didn't know, either."

"San," Justin's voice came out desperate as I looked at him, his eyes wide and terrified. "Please, say something."

I didn't know what to say. My best friend, whom I had, until minutes ago, saw as a big brother, had admitted he was in love with me. Me, of all people that he could have. Me. Alisan Maille Turner. I was ready to pack my bags and move to a house with a lot of trees that scared kids and be the old lady. I wasn't ready to have someone be in love with me.

"Stop fucking with me," I said softly. Did I just say that?

"I'm not ... fucking with you," Justin said softly, taking a step towards me as I took a step back to keep the distance. "San, I do love you -"

"Don't do that," I said, shaking my head. "Don't put my name and 'love' in the same sentence. Just, don't."

"San -"

"Stop!" I put my hands to my ears, turning towards his car and grabbing at the door handle, it sliding from my hands more than once. Angry and confused tears formed in my eyes as I finally got the door open, grabbing my purse and shoes as I hurriedly put them on, JC coming towards me with a look of worry on his face, while Justin hung back, still reeling from his admittance. "Both of you, just stop." I held my hand up to stop JC in mid-step, throwing my purse around my shoulder as I stepped away from them. "If you both knew what was good for you, you wouldn't follow me -"

"Aly, it's dangerous, you shouldn't go alone ..."

"I'll call a cab," I snapped, ignoring JC's worried statement. "Just leave me the hell alone."

Against both of their protests, I walked across the parking lot, heading towards God knows what. All I knew, was that I had to get out of there before I fell over in a fit of tears like I usually did when i didn't know how to handle things. I knew it would be exceptionally bad because when I did that, Justin was the one to comfort me.

And he was the last person I wanted comforting me at the moment.

I walked into the gas station a little ways down the road, Madison Avenue still in sight as I looked up from the display near the door, hunting for my cell phone to call a taxi. I wasn't going home, I knew that for a fact. I didn't have much family around here, but the family I did have was a woman I knew would be willing to take me in for at least the night. "Lyssa?" I asked softly, hearing her voice greet me on the other line. "Can you come pick me up?"

"Alleycat," I heard her say softly, the line static-filled. She was in her car. "What's wrong? You okay?"

"I just ... I can't go home right now," I said, looking up and seeing Justin slowly approaching the gas station. "Can you just come pick me up? I'm at the Exxon by Madison Avenue."

"Okay," she said, not questioning me. If she had, I would have broke. "I'm actually quite close. Give me ten minutes."

With that, she hung up. By the looks of it, ten minutes was going to feel like ten hours for me as Justin pulled the door open, his eyes meeting mine. "San, please ..."

"No," I pushed him away, he following me like a lost puppy as I looked for a place to get away from him. The restroom. "Just go away, Justin ..." I pushed the door open, he fighting with me as I somehow managed to shut it against his force, locking it before he could open it.

"Sanny, please," his voice was sad and desperate as I leaned up against the wall, letting the tears now fall. "Open the door, we need to talk about this ..."

"Go away ..." I pleaded, just as my voice broke, bringing me to not only tears, but sobs. "Just leave me alone ..."

"Alisan," his voice trailed off and I knew he was getting emotional. "I never wanted to tell you like this, you have to believe me. I didn't want to tell you at all ... and that's probably why I got drunk tonight. I wanted to be with you so bad, but I knew it'd never happen and it upset me -"

"Justin what the hell are you doing?"

I felt my heart jump at the sound of Alyssa's voice, hearing her tell him to go away so she could deal with whatever mess was made. "Alleycat, it's me. You ready to go home?"

I swung the door open, falling into her arms as I cried. Justin's faint 'I'm so sorry' barely hit my ears as I heard the door jingle, signalling that he left the gas station. I'm sure the attendant thought I was a real winner. "Can we just go? Please?"

"Of course," she said softly, pulling away from me and wrapping an arm around my waist. "I'll make some popcorn and we'll watch chick flicks in our pajamas all night. How does that sound?"

I nodded, she tightening her grip on me as I got into her waiting car, she pulling out and passing Justin almost as if in slow motion. His head was hung low, hands shoved deep into his pockets. His tie was mussed, along with what hair he had.

Look at the mess we've made.

*Justin*

"And she's still there? Okay. How is she? I kind of figured. I highly doubt he even remembers what happened last night, he was pretty plastered -"

I opened my eyes, taking in the somewhat unfamiliar room I was studying. None of my rooms were mint green. The only person I knew that had a room like this was JC, and it was his guest room ... oh. Upon closing my eyes, a pounding headache entered, taking all my thoughts away with the jackhammering.

"Yeah, I figured that'd be how she'd want it ... at least for a while. I'll go to her house and pick up his stuff. I feel bad, Lys; he was never this hung up on a woman. It never led to alcohol consumption like he had done. But I understand why he was acting so weird around me now. It makes so much sense now. So much sense ..."

What was he talking about? What made sense?

"I'm trying to make sense of it all. He always said she was nowhere near his type, and then suddenly she is the one he wants to be with and instead of just telling her, he hides it for the longest time. That isn't like him. You know that, Lys. If Justin wanted to be with Aly, he should have just said something. To at least me! If I knew he was in love with her, I would have backed away and let him try to be with her. I would never stand in between someone and their love. That's not me. That's not him, either. Nothing he did last night was him ... I don't know what got into him ..."

Oh God. Hangover headache. Alisan.

I shot up at the thought of her, my brain feeling as if it had just slammed into the front of my head and bringing more pain than I had ever remembered getting from a hangover. Oh my God. I did a horrible thing last night and I screwed things up royally. And yet, here I am, lying in JC's guest bedroom as if I had not done anything wrong and just crashed after a long night of working in the studio or after a party. This was not one of those nights. I may have been plastered, but it wasn't out of fun, it was at my own expense, and I brought down two of the people I cared most about down with me.

Argh, I just need the idiot stamp on my forehead and I'll be all set. I got up slowly, rubbing my temples with my hands. JC's voice was close, he probably pacing back and forth down the hallway as he usually did when something was bothering him. Usually, I had to get it out of him to find out what his problem was, but I already knew: I was his problem.

I pulled the door open slowly, and as luck would have it, JC was right in front of me. Shit. "J-JC," I managed to stutter out, he looking as if he had not slept all night. Ah, Jesus. "Look, about last night -"

He held his hand up to silence me, and when I did, the surprise on his face showed that he thought it would have been a fight to silence me.

I'm just full of surprises lately.

"Justin, what happened last night ..." he trailed off, clearing his throat as he stepped backward, leaning against the wall, "should never have happened. You acted like a five-year-old and hurt more than just yourself with what you said. You could have told me, man. You could have said you wanted her and I would have kept away and tried to work it out for the two of you. It could have worked that way! It would have, too! But no, instead, you get shitfaced and make a fool out of me. And Alisan. You were the biggest fool of all, you know that?! Justin, you are my best friend; I would never come between you and someone you love. It just would never happen and you know that, man! You were closer to her than I would ever be and somehow you believed that I was a threat to you! If you told her to jump off the Golden Gate bridge, she would have! If I would have told her to just jump, she would have laughed at me! You royally fucked up, man. She's hurt and angry and refuses to even talk to me. She thinks that somehow, I knew and I was just lying about when I found out. God, J, if I had known ..."

I sighed, watching as he went off on one of his tangents again. His face was slightly red with anger and frustration, mostly toward me, little at the situation. I couldn't blame him. It was all my fault and I was the only one who could fix it again. "Jace," I said, cutting him off as he looked at me quizzically. "I'll fix it, okay? Regardless of it ending up that she'll never talk to me again, I'll fix it. I'll make sure everything is fine between you two, okay? I know I messed up. I don't know what I'm going to do, since the sound of my voice probably repulses her -"

"She's been listening to you all night," JC said softly, his eyes casting downward at the secret he swore he'd never tell after Alyssa had told him. "Basically the same song over and over again -"

I knew exactly what song it was, too. "I'm gonna call her," I said softly, turning away from JC and closing the door behind me, feeling around in my jeans that I had slept in, feeling around for the small contraption. When I found it, with trembling hands, I dialed the familiar number, letting it ring.

And ring. And ring.

Not surprisingly, the voicemail picked up. I didn't want to talk to voicemail, I wanted to talk to her. So I hung up and redialed, again going to voicemail. I wasn't giving in that easy. I called three, maybe four more times when I finally heard the click as she hit the button to respond, being greeted by dead air. I know she was there, I just knew she was. "San," I said softly, willing her to respond to me, hoping that she would cave and at least acknowledge she knew that I was talking to her. "San, please. I made the biggest mistake and I just want to apologize. I never should have done it and -"

"You are the biggest asshole I have ever met in my life."

"I know, I -"

"The most arrogant, self-centered, egotistical prick. You only think of yourself, you're more worried about what people see in you rather than what you see in yourself. You feel as if the world owes you something. You treat what real friends you have like garbage, and then throw them around like little rag dolls. You're not doing that to me, Timberlake. I'm not going to be your little welcome mat to walk all over. I'm done being the faithful friend. I'm done being your friend -"

"No, please, Alisan," I bit my lip, feeling tears prick in the corners of my eyes. Since when did I become so emotional? "Please, don't do that. Please don't throw our friendship away. I treasure what we have so much and I don't want to lose you -"

"You drink yourself into oblivion and act as if everything is all peachy keen and then when that alcohol gets into your system its just a giant pity me, pity me party. You use women, use them for your little toys. You act as if no one can be happy unless you are. You won't even let your friends be happy because that means you won't be. Well, tough shit, Justin. Tough fucking shit. You can't always get what your little heart desires. That's not the way it works; it will never be the way it works. I'm sick and tired of you getting handed things on a silver platter and then when that platter breaks you feel as if the world should just stop what it's doing to accomodate you. No. Not happening. What you did last night was horrible, embarassing and pathetic. You are a sorry excuse for a human being and I can't stand that I even called you my friend. I can't stand even closing my eyes because I see the entire night play all over again. Do you know how sickening it was to have to witness what you did? To hear what you had to say? How long have you kept that in, Justin, huh? How long?"

Silence. She was actually waiting for me to answer.

"Answer the fucking question, Justin Randall!"

Ouch. I was almost afraid to answer, cringing as I opened my mouth to speak, not ready for her next outburst. "...two years."

"TWO YEARS?!"

I had to literally pull the phone away from my ear at her super-sonic screech, sighing deeply. "Yes, Alisan, two years."

"God, Justin I don't know what you want me to do ... I never ... I mean, I've never ..."

She trailed off, letting the sentence hang. Her voice had fallen to a dramatic soft tone, it now full of confusion and hurt rather than anger and disgust. At least it was a change. "I just want you to accept my apology," I said softly. "I just want us to be like we were and to forget what happened last night. I don't want to lose what we have, San. You are one of the most amazing women I've known -"

"I don't know if it'll ever be the same," she said softly, interrupting me. "I don't know if I can forgive you. What you did was horrifying to both JC and I and I can't even look at him -"

"He had nothing to do with this, okay? It was me, just me. I got angry when you said that someone had asked you out ... and the bringing up JC was just the hammer to the nail. I was so jealous that he was getting your affection and I wasn't -"

"Justin, you meant more to me than JC did. You were my best friend. I trusted you with my heart. I never had to worry about you making me cry. But then again, I should have expected that from you -"

"No," I pleaded, listening to her voice raise again in anger. "Don't say that, San ... you know I'm better than that. I'm just so sorry -"

"I don't think I can accept that," she said slowly. She was steadying her voice, trying not to cry. Yeah, I'm a good person. Just so good. "What you did threw me through something I've never been through before, and I'm not sure I want to do it again. I don't think I want to associate myself with you anymore -"

"Alisan, give me a chance at this -"

"I have to go," she said, finally breaking as I heard her begin to cry. "I have to go ..."

"San, please -" I stopped, the phone cutting off my call. Shit. Now what? I wasn't going to let our friendship go without a fight. I wasn't going to let us go. We weren't ending like this. We weren't going to end, even if it resulted being over my dead body. She truly was one of my only friends that I could trust and surrendered all my secrets to. Why would I let someone like that go? Someone so amazing and beautiful? Someone I should have said something to a long time ago? If I had done that, maybe we would be together and none of this would have ever had to happen.

I dialed her number again, it immediately kicking to her voicemail. I should have known it would have.

"Hey, you've reached Alisan Turner. I'm unable to answer my phone right now so please leave a brief, detailed message along with your phone number and I'll call you back. Calls without voicemails don't get a call back, so if it's important, please, leave a message. Have a good one."

God, did I mention how cheesy she was?

I took a deep breath, hearing the automated woman's voice instruct me as to how to go about leaving a message. Yadda, yadda, yadda, I know all of this, I knew what to do -

Beep.

Except, I didn't know what to say. "San ..." I trailed off, not knowing how to go about this. How would one go about groveling and kissing someone's feet through a phone line? "You obviously knew I was gonna call you after you hung up, so I don't have to say who this is. Look, I was in the wrong. I never should have gone about drinking like an idiot and saying what I did. I held it in for so long, I'm surprised it didn't come out earlier. I know you don't wanna believe it, but I do love you, okay? I do love you and I want whatever you want. I don't want you to be unhappy. I want you to be happy and in love with whoever you want to be in love with, regardless of it being me or not. I just ... I have never felt this way about someone for ... well, ever. You keep the smile on my face and you keep me motivated to get the job done. You mean the world to me, Alisan. I don't know if you realize that, but you do, whether you want to believe that or not. You're the best friend I ever had and the one woman who has kept me on my toes. You keep me crazy, Sanny. You keep my mind going and my heart racing just by looking at you or hearing your voice. There isn't any other way to say how I feel except for this ..." I cleared my voice, feeling incredibly cheesy but incredibly desperate to get her to forgive me, that I was willing to do anything, even act like a fool.

As I cleared my voice, I imagined her sitting in Alyssa's own guest room, hugging the pillow and staring down at the phone, wondering why a voicemail had not alerted her. She'd have the song I was going to sing to her on repeat and low in the background and just hearing it was probably making her angry and sad at the same time. She probably thought I had given up on us finally, but I knew deep down, she knew I would never give up. I would prove that to her right here, right now.

I let the word linger a moment, licking my lips and breathing deeply. "I'm sorry, Alisan." With that, I hung up and put my phone away. I had done the best I could; now it was her turn to step up.

I just prayed that she found a soapbox to step up onto. I would give anything to hear her scream at me again, just so I knew she was still talking to me.

Anything from the wrath of San was better than nothing.

*Alisan*

You've been alone, you've been afraid
I've been a fool in so many ways
But I would change my life
If you thought you might try to love me

So please
Give me another chance
To write you another song
And take back all those things I've done
'Cause I'll give you my heart
If you'll just let me start all over again

I held my cell phone in my hand, staring down at it as if was something I had just recently discovered. How had he known I was listening to this song? Better yet, why did he have to sing it and make me feel like shit? It was supposed to be him feeling like shit ... not me.

I wanted to forgive him. It was a stupid, drunken mistake. All I wanted to do was to run up to him, beat the shit out of him, then just let him hold me the same way he did every time. He held me as if he'd be afraid I'd slip away, leaning his body into mine, arms wrapped around my waist and upper back, head resting on the crook of my neck.

Why hadn't I realized this before? That's not just some friendly hug. JC gave me friendly hugs.

Argh.

My best friend was in love with me. How was I supposed to react to that? Me, of all people. No one ever fell in love with me, not even the nerd that sat in the front of the class ... none of the boys that I grew up with wanted me, neither. Then suddenly, this ... man, who could get anything he wanted with a snap of his fingers just fell in front of me. Well, more or less, stumbled in front of me. I should be happy that someone actually does love me ... but I'm not.

I'm so angry at him. Just when I get into the life I feel as if I'm going to have and finally become content with it (though not necessarily happy), he goes and turns it upside down again. I knew it wasn't his fault. I needed someone to blame. I didn't want to blame myself for the way it happened, my life just seemed to have settled and then he comes and kicks the dust up and I have no idea what to do.

But why was I so angry? I got up, digging my palms into my hands and pulling my hands away, shaking them to release the tension that was in them from clenching them. I need to let my anger out. I needed to release it before I blew. I grabbed my purse and my phone, jogging down the stairs where Alyssa was, she exercising in front of her television to some Pilates video. "I'm going to the studio," I said quickly, she jumping, not aware that I had been behind her. "Sorry."

"It's all right," she said, brushing her hair out of her face. "You gonna be okay?"

"Dancing is gonna get my aggression out," I stated, giving her a simple nod. "I need this. I haven't done it in a while."

"You want company?"

"No," I shook my head, watching as she crossed the room, placing keys in my hand. "Take the SL. It's great to relieve stress."

"Lys, the studio is only a mile or so away, I can walk -"

"Nonsense," she held her hand up, waving the comment off. "Trust me. Turn the radio up, let the top down ... you'll feel so much better, girl."

"All right," I said softly, holding up the keys in gesture. "Thanks."

"Uh huh!"

I turned to look at her before I left, she already back to the Pilates and way too in tune with herself to probably even remember that she gave me the keys to her most expensive car in the large driveway. Oh well.

She had three cars. Of course, Alyssa was a typical woman: if it looked good, she wanted it, no matter the price. They were all decent cars, but the SL stood out against the black SUV and sedan, the bright red paint popping against the contrast of the other two. I played with the keys in my hand, slowly walking around the front and sliding in, it still smelling new. She also wasn't lying about the sound: as soon as I started the car, I was deafened by her cd that had been playing, the bass way too loud and bouncy for me.

I hit the shuffle button, not caring what cd played as I pulled out. As I hit the road itself, a smirk formed on my face as I heard the music begin. She had listened to me and bought the cd. This, for some reason, made me very happy as I reached forward, turning up loudly once more, pushing the pedal down and driving as fast as I could without feeling as if I had lost control. Thank God she lived in a somewhat private place where no one tended to go.

I couldn't help the grin that formed on my face as I sang loudly. This is what I needed.

I opened the door, the air conditioning cool on my face. It was always warm in California, but today, it was particularly hot and the tank top and cotton jeans I had borrowed from Alyssa seemed like it was too much.

I went to the stereo, flipping through music and finding one I liked, setting it in the player and flipping it to the track, more tempted to do a mix of modern and ballet than anything else. The slow movements calmed me, while when I began part of the modern, it got my adrenaline pumping and I felt so much better after. I immediately felt better once I began dancing, thankful my ankles kept in line.

"How did you know I'd be here?" I turned slowly, watching as he approached me, each step he took resulting in me taking a step back. I couldn't read his face, but I knew he could read mine: startled, confused, irritated.

Shrugging, he pulled his hands out of his pockets and spoke. "I know you like the back of my hand, San. I know that when you get angry and you don't know how to release it, you itch to dance. And, here you are. I know that when you are fighting back tears, you bite you lip, just like you are now. I know that you planned to be an old lady with so many dogs you wouldn't know what to do with yourself. That you're so ready for love but refuse to believe that anyone could fall for you. That maybe you feel the same way about me as I do with you and you're afraid to face it. That you want to be with me just as much as I want to be with you ..."

"That's where you're wrong, Justin," I said softly, shaking my head. "I don't want to be with you. I don't feel for you. I respect you, you are my friend. That is all you are to me. You aren't what I'm looking for."

"Then what are you looking for?"

"I'm looking for the door so I can show you the exit," I licked my lips, taking a deep breath as I stepped past him, pushing open the door and looking at him and then motioning with my eyes for him to get out. "This isn't how we're supposed to be, Justin. You'll see that and you'll be happy I refused."

"No," he said, stepping up to me as his eyes burned into mine. "You'll see that we're meant to be together You'll see that I love you more than any other man could possibly ever and you'll be happy to know that it probably won't ever go away and I will always, always want you. You're it for me, Alisan. And if I have to wait forever, then fuck, I will."

"Justin -" He cut me off, his mouth against mine before I could even finish the first part of my sentence. His mouth was eager, yet behind the eagerness, I felt the longing and warmth that he had shown. But I couldn't do this. I just couldn't. It would ruin us more than we already were. "Justin," I pushed away from him, he not looking startled. "We can't. You can't. Please, just go -"

"San -"

"Go."

He sighed deeply, shaking his head angrily. "Fine. Fuck it. I give up. All the cards on the table and it's your move. Have fun." He brushed past me, slamming the door behind him as I jumped at the loud echo it gave like a roar of thunder.

I let my head drop back, rolling it from side to side as I cracked my neck, clenching my eyes shut as my hand went to my mouth, still feeling the warmth radiating off of it from his lips. I got an unfamiliar feeling in my stomach, it feeling like a mix of butterflies and it dropping to my feet. Soon after, his face met the back of my eyes and I only felt deep regret.

Now this was new ...

*Justin*

It felt good to be in my house alone and not under the watchful eyes of JC. I know he meant well, but there was only so much I could take. Especially after Alisan told me to leave. But I knew deep down, there would never be an end to us. She would always be a part of me, and I a part of her, regardless of whether or not she wanted it that way.

It was like that poem by E.E. Cummings: 'I carry you in my heart. I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart). I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go, my dear; and whatever is done my dear, is by only me is done by your doing, my darling). I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet). I want no world (for beautiful, you are my world, my true), and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you.'

I carried her. The mere thought of her stuck in my brain, even at the least opportune times. Her heart belonged with mine. Her hand belonged in mine, body next to mine. She brought out a person in me that I thought I had lost so long ago. That person was left behind in a crowded room with no way of escape, blending in with the celebrity and turning into something I hated, but played out because that was who people percieved me to be. Back when I first started, I was still naive, though a little cocky (as most teenagers are), and full of wonder. I let the media mold me, forgetting that media was only there to form my fame, not me. It seemed like when I was without her, I was still that same Mr. JT: cocky, confident, cool. When she was near, I became Justin Timberlake again: southern roots, chivalrous, slightly loud, full of heart, not full of myself. I was the same kid based out of Memphis, not L.A. I longed to be that person again ... but without her, I would never be that. She was the only one who pushed me (and my buttons), the only one who truly showed that she cared about me the way she did. When I thought about her, I was happy. When I knew I was without her, I became angry and irritable. I carried those thoughts of her as often as I could, but media seemed to swallow me whole. Thoughts weren't enough. I needed her.

Hell, she made me quote poems I hadn't read since middle school. How I remembered that, is beyond me. Just another part of her that brought out that piece of me that boggled my mind.

I laid my heart out there for her to just pick it up, shove it back in my chest and kick me out. Maybe I saw the right in it, I saw how scared she looked when she did it. I still didn't understand her motives though. Here was my best friend, this woman who dreamt of romance and love, yet settled by just being lackadaisical. She never settled for anything: fought to be where she was in her career, fought to dance, moved from Georgia to L.A. to make a name for herself. The only thing she seemed to not fight was love. Well, the lack of it in her life.

There was never a doubt in my mind that she and JC could have made a life together. In fact, I could see her finally making JC (who feared marriage more than anyone I knew) wanting to marry, have a family. And he would love every minute of it. They'd have their 2.5 children in that house she dreamt out, the white stone, big backyard, wrap-around porch ... family dog(s). They'd be content, happy.

I didn't see that with us. Sure, I knew she was it for me, but I knew there was so much more. I saw passion, heartache, fighting, emotions. I saw the kind of relationship that made people stop and look. When we loved, they were jealous. When we fought, there was fire and electricity that no one could steer away from. We'd marry ... oh, yes, we'd marry. I'd make sure of it. We wouldn't be together for too long until I knew that we might as well just flow into marriage. But I also saw us not rushing into it. Pulling a Kurt and Goldie. Marriage would never be a pressure point, we'd do it if we felt the need or wanting to. We're have children, maybe 3. They'd all have her hair, my curls. Big brown eyes. Maybe one would have blue like me.

I stopped. The woman made me think about what my children would look like. What man did that? Seriously?! That answer would be me, I guess. She brought me to do a lot of things I wasn't aware of doing.

I picked up my phone, dialing her number. I assumed she was still in the dance studio, ignoring all calls (or perhaps, just mine). As it picked up to the voicemail, I sighed deeply. This wasn't supposed to be how we were. I wouldn't let it.

"Alisan," I said softly after I heard the beep, "I'm sorry for how things happened, but I don't regret them. You're my best friend, my confidante, my soul mate. I don't care how you see us, I just want you to know that I am always, always going to be around for you. You're the best thing to happen to me in a long time, and I don't want to rid myself of that. You take care of me when I need it, you knock me on my ass when needed. I -" I stopped speaking, being cut off by call waiting. Was she actually calling me back? Pulling the phone away, I felt a slight disappointment when I saw Alyssa's number stretched upon the screen, putting the phone back to my ear. "I'm willing to drop this whole thing. I don't want to fight, I don't want to not talk to you. It feels unethical, unreasonable. You gave me a reason to smile so many times and I don't think I ever thanked you for that. Thank you. Thank you for being my friend, putting up with me, and loving me like you do. I am grateful and sorry that I messed it up. I just hope you forgive me."

I hung up, sighing deeply. Things like that happened with her. She made me do that and I wasn't aware until I hung the phone up.

Damnit.

I heard my phone ding from a voice mail, probably Alyssa chewing me out as I groaned, not wanting to hear her bitching. I tossed the phone on my table, sitting down on my couch and turning the television on. Midway through, I must have dozed off.

It was a good dream. I was performing 'My Love' and the crowd was screaming and cheering as they sang along. I had pulled a fan up and she was dancing along with me and T.I. It was amazing, I felt in the dream even better than I did in real life performing. When I turned to look at the fan, she ended up being Alisan. She was smiling widely, dancing along with me, gripping my hand as I held it upward as we both watched each other and our feet doing the touch, touch, slide. She was laughing as I tried to be slick, singing and acting like I was king. She looked amazing, too. A form-fitting cocktail dress with an angular hem, the dress strapless and the heels she wore ballet style matched the red of the dress, she almost reminding me of a salsa dancer. Her hair was wild, as usual, fluffed and sexy. When I sang the chorus, she strutted next to me, her hips moving the way only women could do when they attracted attention, her hands on her hips as she watched me deviously. She was seducing me, and when I finally got to the second verse, she was singing along with me, almost as if she was giving in to the words and what I had been saying.

She had stepped close to me. Dangerously close. We were hip to hip, her chest pressed up against me as her eyes met mine. We were dancing in rhythm, still doing the touch, touch, slide with our feet as her hands rested against my chest, still grinning widely. As T.I. began to sing, his voice was replaced with ringing.

Ringing?

I opened my eyes, rubbing them roughly to rid them of sleep. Lazily, I reached for the phone, seeing Alyssa calling me again. Groaning, I reached for the remote, flipping through the channels and stopping at the news, taking in a mangled convertible, it looking like it had been t-boned in the middle of an intersection. I knew someone who had that same car. Sighing deeply, I put the phone to my ear, greeting her. "No lectures, please ..."

"Where the hell have you been?!"

I jumped at the crazed sound of her voice, eyes still settling on the news. "What do you mean, where have I been? I was napping until you woke me up ..."

"Well get your ass up and get to the hospital -"

"What? Why?" I jumped up, looking at the television. Suddenly, the lump in my throat formed and my stomach dropped. On the screen, I saw the familiar white tote I had seen Alisan carrying before. "Oh my God, Alyssa ..."

"Alisan was in an accident, all right? Just get here." With that, she hung up.

I ran around the room in search of my keys as I heard the anchor reporting.

I swallowed the lump forcefully, finally finding my keys and booking out of the house, not even caring to lock it as I got into my car and sped off to the hospital.

When I got there, Alyssa was waiting by the door. "Where is she? Is she okay?"

"She's gonna be okay," she said, still visibly shaken. "Pretty bad facial shape, a few broken bones ... the girl was more worried about the car than herself." I frowned, wrapping an arm around Alyssa's shoulder as we both walked through the waiting room, sitting down as she told me what happened. "I guess the car that hit her had run a red light and t-boned her. Somehow, the seatbelt busted and she was tossed over the passenger door and onto the sidewalk. She has a lot of road burns on her face, mostly on her nose and forehead, and she broke her femur and elbow. She's gonna need therapy and need someone to help her out for awhile ..."

"And you've gotta be in England on Friday."

"Yeah."

"And JC is gonna be in New York Thursday."

"Right."

"Does he know?"

"Yeah," she said softly. "He's on the phone with her parents. I was talking to them, but he seems to be a little better at sugar-coating."

"That, he is," I said softly, getting up and brushing my clammy hands on my pants. "Can I go see her?"

"Maybe you should wait a little. She was upset and -"

"Then I want to go see her," I said, Alyssa opening her mouth to protest but stopping as she nodded. "What room?"

"Third door on your left."

Wordlessly, I turned around, heading towards the room through the first set of doors. Unsure of how she looked, I prepared myself for the worst, peeking in as I saw a doctor at the foot of her bed, speaking softly to her as she nodded, looking battered and bruised but beautifully broken to me. I knocked gently, the doctor looking over and closing the folder he hand in his hand as he excused himself, letting her be alone with her guest. "San?"

"Justin," she said softly, holding up a hand and letting me come in. "Hey."

"Hey," I said softly, taking in the damage done to her face as I frowned, her beautiful face banged up quite a bit. "You all right?"

"I wasn't, but painkillers really do wonders," she rasped, trying to smile. "You didn't have to come -"

"You're my best friend, of course I did." I placed my hand gently on top of her uncasted one, it slightly cut up, too. "God, San, if something worse would have happened to you, I don't know what I would have done ..."

"I'm fine, J," she said, giving me a weak smile. "Nothing a few weeks of casts and rehab won't fix. Everything happens for a reason, right? Maybe God was punishing me for listening to my voicemail while driving," she chuckled slightly, looking at me again. "Justin, look -"

"No, don't talk about it, okay? No sense of getting us both worked up again ..."

"No," she said agreed. "You are my best friend though," she said, nodding. "You keep me smiling ... I just wanted you to know that."

I leaned forward, placing a kiss on her less banged up cheek, she gripping my hand as tightly as she could. "Thank you."

She yawned slightly, closing her eyes as I put my hand to her cheek, caressing it gently. "You can go home, Justin, really," she said gently, her eyes flutting each time my thumb when up and down. I stopped a moment, eyes slowly opening at meeting mine. I saw the pain etched in them, the longing of being with someone at that moment, and though it had never crossed my mind to leave her side, it kept my mindset where it was. "Really."

"I'm staying with you," I said softly, continuing to rub her face, seeing the relief wash over those brown eyes once more. How can someone look so much in pain yet still look so beautiful to me? My beautifully broken best friend, the love of my fucking life. I groaned inwardly, hopefully not loud enough for her to hear as I ran a hand through the hair that was slowly growing back to the point of where it kept straight. Another inch or two and I'd have curls again. "I'm not leaving until you leave this hospital."

She started to protest, but the medication and her exhaustion kept her from doing so, jaw twitching as she meant to open it, but nodded weakly instead. A weak, yet firm grip tightened on my hand and that was all I needed to ... well, hear. I heard her thankfulness, grateful I wasn't leaving her. "I love you, San. Just remember that. I'm not gonna leave you behind."

She sighed deeply, perhaps in sleep, perhaps happy that she was happy the medication had kicked in fully and she felt nothing, she opening her mouth and letting her response come out slowly, almost like molasses. "I love you, too."

I knew how she meant it, but it still made my heart jump as the words came out of her mouth. That was something I could never get used to, and I loved it. It would always feel as if it were the first time, and that was how love should be. Now, if only I could get her to realize that.

But first, I needed to focus on her healing process. Then, the love-making process. In the non-sexual way. Though, I wouldn't fight the sexual way.

*Alisan*

I slowly came to from sleeping, eyes still closed as I took a deep and painful breath. I felt as if I had gotten a real bad sunburn, body aching as if it had gone through it's own war. My hand hurt from clenching something warm and fleshy, and my leg felt elevated. What kind of sleeper was I, exactly? And why do I feel weird?

I opened my eyes, squinting as the light hurt them, they slowly adjusting to the violet lights. Violet? I definitely wasn't in my room. Where the hell was I? Turning my head slowly, I caught glimpse of Justin, it quite amusing. The man was sitting angled on a chair that barely held his six foot frame, he looking so uncomfortable there. Somehow, he managed to be gripping my hand as the other one stayed tucked between his legs. He had bags under his eyes, skin pale. He looked worse than I felt. Though, now that I'm thinking about it, I probably look worse than the two of them put together. Argh.

My head was beginning to hurt, the nurse walking in on perfect timing. It felt like a jackhammer above my eye, closing my eyes tightly to keep the light out.

"How are you feeling, Miss Turner?"

"My head hurts a lot," I mumbled, voice raspy from sleep. "And my whole body hurts."

"I'll check in with the doctor and see if I can get you more pain medication," she smiled, setting my chart back down at the foot of my bed as she exited the room. Justin was stirring now, feeling him release my hand as he stretched, hands over head and shirt slowly riding up his stomach, letting me catch glimpse of the body that so many women had longed for. God, he did have a body.

Why do these kind of thoughts come at the least opportune times?

"Hey," he said softly, bringing my attention back upward, slightly ashamed that I had been caught. When I looked up, he was still stretching. Maybe he hadn't caught me. "You doing okay?"

I nodded, trying to keep a yawn at bay as he looked over, the nurse coming in with the doctor in tow. "Headache, sore ..."

"That's why I'm here," he smiled, toying with the I.V. bag and the tube that was connected in my I.V., pulling out a syringe and connecting it to the tube. Almost immediately, I felt comfort once again. "Oh, my God," I mumbled, closing my eyes and letting the pain go away, "I think I need to take that home with me."

The doctor laughed, he patting my unbroken leg gently before checking my vitals and leaving the room. I turned to Justin, he studying me intently. "What?"

"Nothing," he said, shrugging. "Just thinking. You missed JC and your parents," he said softly, gesturing to the flowers that I had just now taken notice from. "The lilies are from your parents, roses from Jace. I sent them to my house to stay, while JC had to leave for New York. All three said that they love you and JC will call you when he lands. Your parents will be back tomorrow morning."

"How long have I been here?" I asked, rubbing my eyes. I seriously had no track of time.

"Almost two days," Justin sighed. "The first time you fell asleep when I was here, it was a good 14 hours. You've been in and out of sleep since they keep doping you up with medications. The doctor told your parents you may have to go in for surgery on your elbow. They might have to rebreak it."

I groaned, shaking my head. "Why?"

"They don't think the bone is going to fuse together properly," he said, running a hand through his hair. "They'll know once the specialist comes in. He told me that he should be here within a few hours. He was at another hospital. But if they don't need to, they think they'll be able to send you home within a day or two."

"Good," I mumbled. "I want to go home. I want to sleep in my own bed, and I want company."

"You have company," he said, a mock hurt tone. "I'm here."

"No, I meant sleeping with me," I frowned. "I don't like sleeping alone when I don't feel well."

"Well, I'm all yours until the healing process is over," he smiled. "I don't have to be back for tour practice for another two months. I'll still be around, but you'll have my undivided attention until then. Then, I'll be gone for a month. Blech."

"I still have to call work -"

"Alyssa did it."

"My stuff that was in the car -"

"Is at my house," he smiled. "Which, by the way, will be your home until you're back on your feet. I figured since I am staying to take care of you ... well, help you, I'll need to be around a place where I can go get some work done."

"Your house is better anyway."

"No, yours is. It's actually a home. Mine isn't as lived in as yours. Though, mine is bigger. And you know what they say about big houses?"

"Bigger taxes," I mumbled, Justin laughing. "It's true."

"I know. That's why it's funny. You sound so drunk right now."

"Can't help it."

"I know," he smiled, placing his head on the railing of the bed, eyes looking up and meeting mine. "It's cute. I don't think I've witnessed you ever drunk since you don't drink, and hearing you like this has made it all worthwhile."

"I'm glad my car accident worked for you."

"Me too."

"Argh," I swatted his head gently with my hand, shaking my head. "Shut up."

"Never," he sang, kissing my cheek once more. "Go back to sleep, drunk. Hopefully in another fourteen hours we'll have the answer as to whether or not you'll need surgery."

"Not."

"Not what?"

"Not needing surgery," I said, feeling sleepy once more. My God, I don't think I've ever slept this much ever. I heard Justin move,turning my head groggily and watching as he placed his head on the rail, looking at me. "Go home," I said softly, reaching up and touching his tired face. He had baggage that looked like he hadn't unpacked it since his touring started. "Go sleep in your nice, comfortable bed and come back when you're rested up."

"No," he shook his head the best he could against the railing, head bobbing up and down more than anything, "I don't care about how rested up I am. I've gone days without sleep and still functioned; I'm not leaving until you leave."

"Justin, I'll be fine," I said through a yawn, feeling him nuzzle his cheek into my hand, the stubble tickling my palm. "I appreciate you staying but really, I'm a big girl and I can tolerate being alone for the night."

"I'm still staying," he said softly, eyes traveling towards the door as the doctor entered, clipboard in hand. He sat up, straightening in his chair as I cast my eyes toward him, waiting for the news. "Hello, Dr. Gibson."

"Mr. Timberlake, Ms. Turner," he greeted, looking over at me. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired, slightly achy still," I shrugged. "The medicine worked well."

"Good," he said, smiling. "Then it's doing it's job." He looked back down, smiling. "It seems as though your elbow will not need any surgery, and your femur only has a hairline fracture, so it will heal better on it's own. You'll need to be in a cast for your elbow 6-8 weeks and your leg 4-8. It depends on your healing process with your leg. I hope to have you released by tomorrow evening after we run a few more x-rays."

"Thank you, God," I couldn't help but mumble, both Justin and the doctor laughing. "No offense, just hate hospitals."

"As do I, and what do you know, I work here," the doctor smiled. "I'm gonna check some more patients and I'll let you get some sleep. Are you feeling any discomfort?"

"No," I said softly, shaking my head. "I feel all right."

"I think you may be the easiest accident patient I've ever dealt with," he smiled, turning his head as he heard his name being paged over the intercom. "If you need anything don't hesitate to buzz a nurse, okay?"

I nodded, turning back to Justin as his eyes seemed to drop slowly with every second that passed. "J," I laughed, dragging my pointer finger up and down his nose. "Why don't you go lie down in the extra bed over there? Or the pull out couch?"

"No," he mumbled, eyes now completely shut as he fought sleep, "stayherewithyou."

I laughed, giving up on fighting as I felt my eyes fall shut also. I had a feeling he and I would be sleeping the remainder of the week away.

*Justin*

After sucking on the same piece of pretzel rod for as long as I can remember, I'm wondering why I hadn't done it before. Sure, it sounds odd, but once you get past the thickness of the pretzel, it snaps easily and takes concentration to keep that from happening.

Right, like that's a rocket science.

But, it has kept me from thinking about Alisan and our predicament. That has to mean something. I probably would win the record for the longest pretzel sucking. As sick as that sounds, I probably would.

She had left about two hours ago to go down for a couple more x-rays to make sure her bones were fusing properly and to get blood work done. My boredom had gotten the best of me, and now I was slowly walking down the hospital corridors with my hand to the cool linoleum of the wall. The nurses probably thought I was crazy, my trip back up and down the hall nearing the hundred times mark, same pretzel hanging out of my mouth like a limp cigarette or a forgotten lollipop.

But it wasn't forgotten. I kept it on my mind so that it (my mind) wouldn't travel elsewhere. It had already happened a few times, and it would drive me crazy.

A haunting melody began to play over the intercom in the halls, my ears perking up as I recognized it. This hospital seemed to like to play elevator music. Well, not so much, elevator music, but the kind of instrumentals that you'd find when you entered one. No voices, just music that would be left in the back of your mind until you placed just exactly what it was and how you knew it. But this one, this one wasn't hard. I knew it as soon as it began. The musical robot (my nickname from Alisan, after she realizing I could name that tune in less than a measure, less than a second into a song) in me instantly knowing. If I didn't know it, after listening to it for the first time, I would. I stored anything and everything, that was how I was.

This song, it wasn't any different. It wasn't a favorite, but it was at the same time. It reminded me so much of Alisan and her love for the cheesy ballads (our group's songs included) that nearly made her cry. This song, it did make her cry. This song ... oh, this song. I had caught her numerous times on my piano playing it softly, singing to herself in her sweet little soprano and letting the music take her to a place nothing else could.

I took the pretzel out of my mouth, turning down the deserted end of the hallway and singing to myself. I'd totally shoot her for getting me to know this song, though, I had to admit, it wasn't the worst I had heard. In fact, it was probably one of the better arrangements I had heard of this song in a while. Maybe it's because I refused to let myself listen to what was then my competition and part of another group after the same thing my group was after, but I respected that they fought for what they had. They did pave the way for us, though we kept the door open longer when their hiatus began. We outsold them numerous times, outplayed them ... but they still came out on top.

I scoffed, shaking my head. Sometimes, I wished I was part of our group again. To be part of something that I knew I belonged. I knew there were people that made sure I felt as if I belonged: Alisan, my mom, JC, Joey, Lance, Chris ... but I didn't feel as if I belonged in the music industry alone. Hell, maybe I did ... maybe I just didn't know what I needed to do within the industry. Or maybe I was bored because I couldn't be in on all the jokes that happened when *NSYNC wasn't on a permanent hiatus. I just felt like I needed to belong. Slowly, I felt as if the world was phasing me out, that I'd no longer be welcome where I was, or anywhere for that matter.

That feeling was the worst feeling in the world ... next to knowing that you can never get the one you love because they don't love you back.

God, their songs fit my life better than my own did ... and I wrote them for my life, about my life. Shoving the pretzel back in my mouth, I leaned up against the wall, feeling the coolness hit my neck and slowly make it's way through the thin confines of my t-shirt onto my skin. I couldn't make sense of anything anymore. I was losing sense of things, of myself, my friendships.

I felt like I was rambling in my own mind, not making sense of what exactly I was thinking about. The only people that could make sense of me where Alisan, JC and my mom. My mom, not so much, as we haven't been around each other as much (I'm not as much of a Mama's boy as everyone thinks nowadays) and JC is like a brother from a different bloodline. He understands me, but sometimes, he plays the big brother role way too much and I can't handle him. Sometimes, he does what he does for the best, and I realize it after, but right now, I don't think he could even make sense of me.

And Alisan. She of all people would understand me, because she was me in every way, shape and form. Well, not shape, because she's obviously a woman, but she thinks like me, she feels like me, she lives like me. The only difference? Her self-esteem is so much higher than mine. No joke. While she may think low of herself with love, I think low of myself in every aspect. The business I am in, you have to have a hard shell to take all the negativity thrown at you, and after 12 years, it seems to have finally started to break me.

I need a vacation. I need to put my brain on break and stop thinking what I think because it will eventually (if not too soon) drive me crazy. My career is driving me crazy, my personal life is driving me crazy, my love life above all else is driving me more than crazy, it's driving me mad.

I don't deal with rejection well. I can't say that I'm used to it, either. I know I'm not the most good-looking man in the world, but I know what factors of myself and my body women desire and I flaunt them: the smile, the body, the eyes, they lure in women because they show my confidence. Lose them, and all you've got is my too-big-for-my-face nose, my slightly sticking out ears, my somewhat veiny temples, and I always felt like I had an egg-shaped head.

Just call me Humpty Dumpty.

Groaning, I ran a hand through my hair and pushed myself off of the wall with my foot. I was supposed to be leading this extraordinary life, and up until my confession, I felt as if I was. Now, all of a sudden, nothing is making sense and I feel as if my life couldn't get any worse. Rejection, accidents, stalling movie career, questioning music career ... oh yes, my life, it was extraordinary.

And the fact that I want to take the one woman that would complete one of my best friends away from him to just make myself happy is horrible. What kind of person does that? Just the thought of what I had thought to myself made me sick. Sure, you had to put your happiness in front of people sometimes, but not when this happiness was more deserved to the opposite party than it is to you. And believe me, JC deserves so much more than me right now ... especially dealing with my dumb ass for all these years.

I made my way down the hall, still carefully sucking on the pretzel and trying to bring my tired mind back to the project at hand ... er, mouth. The nurse at the station looked at me weirdly once more, slowly giving me a smile as she looked down to her papers. I saw her attempting to look at me as I walked away in her peripheral vision, trying to make her studying me less obvious, but after  being in the public eye for so many years, I knew when eyes were on me and when they weren't. And her eyes were definitely on me, it was definitely creeping me out.

I stepped into the room, Alisan already there and sleeping. I bit down hard on the pretzel, it snapping in half as one of the pieces flew to the floor. Damnit. I tiredly ran a hand down my face, studying her: her head was tilted to the side furthest away from the door where I stood, but if I sat down, I'd be in her line of vision. I didn't need that now. But she was sleeping, I didn't have to worry about it. Her leg was covered in a plain white cast, while her arm was covered in pink casting up to her mid-bicep.

Slowly easing myself into the chair and keeping the creaking legs as silent as I could keep them, I dug my palms into my hands, fighting back angry tears. Why was I crying? This was so unlike me.

Shambles. Pieces. All bits and pieces of my life seemed to have fallen to my feet. I knew deep down that both Alisan and JC were angry with me. Alisan more so, just because JC never wants to cause trouble within any party, he always plays the peacemaker, he is always Mr. Perfectionist.

I hate him for that.

Alisan kept her feelings to herself for the most part. What she did show just so happened to be the bare minimum and she hated when the maximum was thrown at her or was leaked out of her. She didn't like surprises, didn't like when something was thrown at her, especially what I had thrown at her the other day. How could someone remain friends with me after all I have done?

How could anyone be friends with me, period?

"Hey."

I felt her soft hand brush across my forehead and to the top of my head, falling slightly as it cupped the side of my face as her brown eyes studied me intently. "Hey," I said quietly, praying that the angry tears I had pressed back into my eyes weren't evident. I really didn't need to explain that.

"You okay?" Her eyebrows knitted in concern as her thumb found the soothing spot just below my ear as my eyes dropped closed at the touch. "Something bothering you?"

"Yeah," I said softly, shrugging. How did I explain that it just wasn't something that was bothering me, it was everything? That my own mind was the culprit and my heart was the partner in crime? "I think it's just me being tired, letting my mind worry about what I have yet to do and what needs to be done soon ..."

"Oh," she said, not looking as if she had bought it but not questioning it. "Well, you know I'll always listen," she said through a yawn, eyes slowly dropping closed as her hand against my face slowed it's gentle rubbing, "though I may not always want to hear it or agree ..."

"I know," I said softly, raising my eyes as her own slowly fluttered open to meet my own once again, a faint smile playing across her lips as she took her hand away, pressing it against her mouth and putting it to my own in a comforting way. "I know."

"I love you, J," she said. "I may not act as if I do sometimes, but you're the best friend I could ask for, even when you say dumb stuff that makes me mad. You'll always be there for me and I appreciate it. You never cease to amaze me."

I leaned forward, placing a tender kiss on her forehead, feeling the heat of her skin radiating against my lips. She was running a fever. Leaning forward, I pressed the 'nurse call' button, waiting for a response as I leaned my forehead against hers, her breathing deep and even as she fought sleep. "I love you, too," I murmured, pulling away as I heard the nurse respond.

"What's wrong, Miss Turner?"

"She's running a fever," I said back as the nurse responded quickly with a "I'll be down." I sat back in my chair as her eyes followed me, the smile still playing on her lips. "What?" I asked, letting the smile smile form on my own face. "You look like you have a secret and you're trying to keep it from me."

"You never cease to amaze me," she repeated, eyes slowly panning across the room as a nurse came in. "Just remember that."

I watched silently as the nurse checked her vitals, helping make her more comfortable as she paged the doctor to see what he would like to do about her slight fever and if it would delay her going home. Watching her, I realized that maybe, just maybe, not everything needed to make sense to me. Not before, not now, not later ... what would be best would be me taking hold of the situation and just letting it ride through. Life wasn't all about making sense, it was about learning through it all. That the only thing that ever made sense to me was her. And if that would be the only thing in my life for the rest of my life that made sense, I'd be happy. I may not understand myself, but I know she does. She knows more about me than I think I do, and while that may be a bit crazy, it's just how it is. God gives you certain people in your life for a reason, and Alisan was placed in my life because she was the one that made sense of everything, even when I felt as if I were looking at the lost language. She interpreted everything, took my hand and led me through it. She never let me fail, never let me fall behind. She never stopped believing in me.

Now only if I could make her believe in us.

When the nurse left, Alisan was looking at me again, but this time, her eyes were half-lidded and the smile had slowly disappeared. "I think if they give me any more medication, I may become addicted."

Smiling weakly, I reached forward, taking her hand. "I'd never let that happen."

"I know," she nodded. "That's why I have you around. To stop me from doing stupid stuff and to push me into the good."

"Too bad you won't listen to me about a certain good thing ..."

"Justin, please," she said softly, shaking her head tiredly. "Not now, okay?"

"All right," I swallowed, the large lump seemingly still there. Blech. I watched her nuzzle her head into the pillow, trying to make herself comfortable as she began to hum to herself, my eyes widening as I picked up on the song. Was she trying to tell me something, or was it just one of those flukes like the elevator music that stuck in your head?Open up your heart to me and say what's on your mind
I know that we have been through so much pain
But I still need you in my life this time ...

I need you tonight, I need you right now
I know deep within my heart, it doesn't matter
If it's wrong or right
I really need you tonight

I figured out what to say to you
Sometimes the words come out so wrong
And I know in time you will understand
That what we have is so right this time ...

I need you tonight, I need you right now
I know deep within my heart, it doesn't matter
If it's wrong or right
I really need you tonight

I licked my lips, turning my head so that I could not look at her. She was it for me, I knew this. But, I couldn't force it upon her. So, upon this realization, I decided that I needed to move on, be it with her or with someone else. Maybe in time, she'll come around, but I can't wait around forever for her to realize that what we could have would be nothing short of amazing.

I deserved her, I needed her. But I couldn't wait for her any longer.  It was time to make me happy again.

Justin Timberlake as ... Himself:

  

Alisan Porter as ... Alisan Turner:

  

JC Chasez as ... Himself:

Alyssa Milano as ... Herself:



Sophia Bush as ... Gabrielle Turner:



Kelly Clarkson as ... Katie Young:



Jensen Ackles as ... Lucas Knight:

(... More to come? ... )

*Alisan*

"You all right?"

I felt his breath against my ear as I nodded, turned to my side as he wrapped an arm around my waist, careful of my elbow as he buried his face into the back of my neck, the stubble tickling slightly as it brought a smile to my face and shivers down my spine.

"You cold?"

"No," I said softly, shaking my head as I closed my eyes, wishing for sleep to come. We had been home for about six hours, it nearing two in the morning and since our arrival back to his home, I had already become angry that I couldn't walk, threw myself into a fit of hysterics that sent Justin into a panic when I struggled with my sobs to breathe correctly, and nearly fallen going up the stairs. This, this brought Justin back down to reality and set up camp in the guest room, making it much like his own to make the both of us comfortable in the unfamiliar territory that we were now sleeping in. My mom and dad had been by earlier, bringing over a few bags of my clothes and belongings to keep me comfortable, though, which my predicament that I was now in, I was living in a pair of cheeky shorts and Justin's basketball shirt, the only shirt that seemed to fit over my arm cast.

It was going to be a blast. Getting dressed on my own, that is. Not only can I not bend one arm to pull a shirt over my head, but I can't bend my leg to get pants on. Today, that was there my mother came in. Two days from now, after my parents went back to Georgia, it'd be only Justin and I. I needed to master the once easy task of dressing myself without help ... there was no way Justin would be helping me in that aspect.

He sighed softly against my skin, sending yet another shiver up my spine. His limp hands against my stomach signalled that he had fallen asleep quickly, exhausted from moving so much to and from both bedrooms and making me comfortable in the new environment. I imagined he was quite tired from the last few days, and I couldn't blame him. Even with my being angry at him, he was there when I needed him most - being the best friend that he could possibly be, given the circumstances. My best friend from home had called, but that seemed to be the extent of her concern, she asking how I was and if there were people there to take care of me during my healing process. When I said 'yes', her conversation was cut short with an excuse and we hung up shortly after.

Some friend.

Sighing deeply, I looked down at his fingers, they barely grazing mine yet still maintaining contact, almost entwined, but not close enough to do so. I felt like I needed that kind of touch, loosening my weight up against my good arm and lifting it to his hand, slowly sliding my softer skin against his calloused hands and locking my fingers at his knuckles. At this, his grip seemed to tighten in his dream-state, somewhat aware of what was now holding onto him. It was comforting, knowing that he was holding onto me in more than one way, protecting me and being that one sole person that made sure his presence was never questioned. I felt my stomach knot up at how horrible the past few days must have been for him, turning my head backward slightly to see the top of his head, eyelashes dancing against his high cheekbones and fluttering in dream. My handsome, amazing healer. One smile and all was well again, one touch and everything was forgotten.

Now, I know why Justin Timberlake is the most sought after man.

I heard him sigh softly, his breath cool against my skin as I shut my eyes, attempting to think of anything other than the compromising position we were in. With all the quiet and the near silent 'whir' of the fan sitting in the corner of the room and every so often blowing not-so-cool air in my direction, I was left with nothing but silence and my wandering mind. My wandering mind was a dangerous thing, it always got me into trouble. Always.

And as luck would have it, it didn't fail me tonight.

I lay there, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to keep blank thoughts, thinking of darkness and no sound ... anything to keep me closer to la-la land and further away from my fantasy land. It seemed as though I was driving, reading signs that said 'Thank you for visiting 'La-La Land! Come again soon!' as I went a million miles an hour towards another sign that said, 'Welcome to Fantasy Land, where your dreams become pretty much close to reality! Stay a while!'. It was almost like a 'do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, go directly into your wandering mind and do not move until you have achieved a 'get out of your fantasy' card or have rolled yourself right into crazy. At this, I became scarily aware of every inch of his body that was connected to mine, how dangerously close his ... nether region was to my behind, how close his mouth was to my sweet spot on my neck.

I twisted slightly, attempted to further myself away from him, only to be pulled closer by him, still fully asleep and pulling me in as he snuggled right up against my sweet spot, nose now up against my neck, mouth where the curve of my neck met my shoulder. I felt how close his hand was to my breasts, how his legs felt against mine (well, minus the cast and not feeling that skin on skin contact), how firm his chest felt against my back, rising and falling in rhythm of my breathing. I felt his heartbeat, his somewhat silent breathing, his entire being behind me.

I felt more than I bargained for, that's for sure.

When I woke up the next morning, the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen ignited my senses, the sudden need to have that that hot liquid in my mouth sudden and demanding. I brought my hand down, fingers grazing the metal crutches next to the bed on the floor. With a bit of a struggle, I managed to get myself standing and slowly maneuvering towards the kitchen that seemed miles away. "J?"

"San? I was wondering when you were gonna get outta bed," he called, appearing quickly in front of me. "Why didn't you call me? I would have helped you out of bed -"

"I'm not a baby, Justin," I said, rolling my eyes. "I think I can manage getting from the bed to the kitchen."

"All right, then I'll see you in ten years," he grinned, turning on his heel and walking away slowly.

"Jaaaaay," I whined, watching as he turned around with a sparkle in his eye. If I didn't have all my weight on my good foot, I may have stomped to add on to the slight tantrum of his teasing. "You're here now, you might as well help ..."

"I thought you could do it on your own?"

I jutted out my lip, the weak point in Justin's argument as he grinned, stepping towards me and putting an arm behind me and and arm underneath my legs, lifting me up and carrying me the rest of the way to the kitchen, sitting me down on the stool at the kitchen's island. "You made coffee?"

"This is me we're talking about here," he chuckled, gesturing to the pot that was almost completely brewed. "You want some? I bought some of that vanillia creamer when I went to the store this morning -"

I then realized that I had no idea what time it was. "This morning?"

"Yeah," he laughed. "At about nine. You were still asleep and wouldn't stir when I called your name so I just went. It was only for a few things, so I knew I wouldn't be gone long."

"You don't need to check up on me, Justin. I can manage on my own if you need to go somewhere."

"Right. Just like you being unable to crutch yourself into the kitchen from the guest room?"

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up."

"Whatever," he laughed, turning back away from me as he got two mugs, lifting up my favorite mug that he had bought just for me, a deep green (my favorite color), with a wide brim and thick handle, complete ceramic and totally breakable - the worst kind of thing to put in my hands. "Let me guess ... a little coffee with your cream?"

"How else would I drink it?" I grinned, watching as he shook his head in disbelief, pouring almost a full mug full of creamer just before filling the last half with coffee and turning, placing it in front of me. "Thanks."

"Welcome," he smiled, meeting my eyes and winking as he turned back around, tending to his own.

For some reason, that wink and that smile brought a stomach flip on. Or maybe it was hunger. Maybe I was hungry. Hungry. Yeah, that had to be it. I was hungry and I needed food. "Justin, what do you have for breakfast? Or lunch ... what time is it?"

"One-thirty," he laughed. "I'm pretty sure I've got some soups and I know I have lunch meat ... you want a chicken sandwich and some soup?"

"I'd love you forever."

"You already do," he teased. There was something about him, he seemed a lot happier today, a lot lighter on his feet. Was he keeping some good news from me, or was this just a good day? "give me a minute and I'll make your food," he responded, reaching into his shorts pocket and retrieving his ringing cell phone. "Hey, Joe. I'm doing good, man. Yeah, just playing male nurse to Alisan as she recuperates from the accident. Nah, not too much new ... I mean, well ... I did meet a cute girl at the store this morning getting a few things. Yeah. Bad thing is, she kind of reminds me of my one ex ... I don't know whether or not to take that as a good or bad thing. Jenna. Remember her? From like, 2001 or so. Yeah, the dancer. Yeah. Kind of looks like her, too ... yeah, we've got a date tonight. Alisan's mom and dad are here for a few days and will be here tonight so I don't have to worry about that ... yeah, it'll be nice to get out again -"

I licked my lips slowly, swallowing the lump from my throat in surprise. He was still leaning up against the counter, looking out the large kitchen window into the even larger back yard that housed his inground pool, basketball court, gazebo, waterfall and mini-golf course that housed about eight holes. I wasn't thinking about that, though ... at least, I was trying to, but it wasn't happening as my eyes slowly traveled down his body, down his slender back to the almost non-existant butt that so many girls loved to watch as he danced. I felt that familiar flutter in my heart that I had felt when I began to realize I was falling for JC, my thoughts taking me by surprise. I wasn't falling for him, no, I wasn't. No. I shook my head at myself, his laugh bringing me back up to look at him, he looking at me in the reflection of the window with the dark grayness of the clouds. "What?"

"What are you shaking your head at?"

I shrugged, hiding my answer as I sipped the still hot coffee. He made it perfectly. Argh. Yet another thing to add to the list of reasons why he's good to me. Good for me, too ... maybe.

Seriously, Alisan. What the hell is wrong with you?

I made a mental note to check the medications they had given me, maybe one of the side effects was confusion, mixing emotions and feelings with the feel of wanting more medication. That had to be it. That had to be why I was acting this way. "I'm suddenly not hungry."

"What? When are you not hungry?" He asked, laughing as I gave him a hurt look. "San, you know I didn't mean it like that."

"You know I have problems with my ... fluctuating weight."

"Alisan, you can't be more than ... 130 pounds. That's nothing to me. Don't worry about it. I'm sorry I said it though, I know you hate discussing that kind of stuff. You're perfect, okay?"

I looked down at my coffee, one subject that I had been avoiding into yet another one I tried to avoid. "It's fine," I said softly, sipping the coffee again. "I think I want to go to bed."

"San," he said sadly, watching as I tried to lift myself up, now in a somewhat standing position as I waited for him to round the table. "I hurt your feelings."

"No," I said, shaking my head and burying my head into his neck, "I just ... it's the first day I've been up and out of bed for more than ten minutes. It's kind of tiring."

"Okay," he said softly, still sounding unsure. "I'm sorry I said it though."

"I know," I sighed, inhaling the scent of him and letting my eyes drop closed at the scent of coffee, toothpaste and a slight scent of cologne that had been faded from the day before. These were all the scents that reminded me of him, except the one that wasn't there was the one I most associated with him: sweat. Though it sounded gross, it was part of him ... he busted his ass and in return sweat out all his troubles and ... perspiration while doing what he loved. It was comforting in a way, though I always made him shower after he'd attack me with one of his sweaty hugs, feeling gross but loved that he had gone directly to me after a show if I was there, wanting to be hugged by someone who meant so much to him.

Now, all I wanted was that hug again.

Before I realized it, he had laid me back down on the bed, disappearing for a moment and returning with my crutches in hand. "I'm gonna lean them up against the wall," he said softly, kneeling down and smoothing my hair out of my face. "Are you sure you're not upset about what I said?"

"It was a careless little thing," I said, shaking my head. "I'm fine."

"Not everyone can be 100 pounds, San," he said, cutting me off. "You look perfect to me, okay? Perfect the way you are." He placed a kiss on my forehead, getting up and patting my hand. "I need to shower. Your parents will be here in about an hour or two and I need to get ready for that date. If you need me, just holler. I'll be down the hall in the other bathroom."

I nodded, watching as he disappeared, catching myself watching that infamous butt as he left the room.

Seriously, the medications needed to go.

*Justin*

When I finished getting ready and came back down the stairs from retrieving clothes to wear and my favorite watch, San was sitting on the couch, arm propped on the side, leg on the table with a pillow underneath her heel. "Hey," I said, confused, "you were just sleeping ten minutes ago."

"Yeah," she shrugged, eyes still looking at the television, she engrossed in the movie they were showing on ABC Family. "Mom is in the guest room. She finds it comforting to clean when she feels as if she can't do anything," she laughed. "Dad went to go get pizza for us, since you won't be here."

I nodded, sitting down next to her and studying the side of her face. She kept contact with the television, not once turning to look at me. "San, you're mad, aren't you?"

At this, she turned her head, mouth forming an 'O' in confusion. "About what?"

"What I said earlier ..."

She chuckled, shaking her head and placing her hand on mine, my heart speeding up as I felt that familiar heart racing notion that I got when she touched me. "J, I'm not mad, really. I just think it's me being zoned out and spacey from the medication. I'm also still a bit depressed about the accident happening at all ... I saw the car, I don't understand how I made it out -"

"You saw it?"

"Yeah," she said softly. "Mom brought the paper and I saw it ... they said it was accidental, and it's a miracle I made it out of there with the extent of injuries that I did and not worse ..."

"Aw, San," I said softly, pulling my hand out of hers and wrapping an arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to me so that she was leaning up against my chest, she sighing deeply. "It was a pretty bad wreck," I said, agreeing as I pulled my eyes to the paper that I now noticed by her feet, shuddering at the photo of Alyssa's car that was now no more than a boxed up piece of automobile. "But you're here, and you're fine, right? You're sitting here, breathing. You're mourning a car, instead of your life ... though I'm not quite sure how that would have worked out. I'm just happy that you're here and I don't have to worry about you being in the hospital anymore ..."

"Which reminds me," she said softly, she pushing herself away slightly as she looked up at me, studying me, "thank you. Thank you for being there when no one else could be and sticking around even when you could have went home ... which, in turn, resulted in not listening to me when I said to leave ..."

I laughed, placing a tender kiss on her forehead and shaking my head. "San, when have I ever listened to you?"

"This is true," she said, smiling weakly. "Thank you, for not listening to me."

I smiled wider, we both holding our gazes. I saw her tongue slowly slip out and lick her lips the way she did when she was unsure of what to do or say, watched her eyes look at my lips just as I had done moments ago, felt her melt against me when I reached up, brushing a piece of her hair away from her face. "Alisan, I -"

My doorbell rang, she and I both pushing away from each other quickly as I got up, straightening my button up and jeans, walking quickly to the door and shaking my head of thoughts of what could have happened. Opening the door, I forced a smile at the woman in front of me, greeting me with a bright smile and twinkling eyes. "Hey, Katie," I greeted, opening the door wider to let her in. When she stepped into the foyer, I closed the door behind her, placing a hand at the small of her back and escorting her into the living room to introduce her to my house guests. When she stepped in, I could have sworn that I saw jealousy sweep over Alisan's face, her eyes flickering with hints of the same emotion, but quickly recovering and giving both of us a bright smile. "San, this is Katie, my date," I said softly, letting Katie walk up to Alisan and extend her hand, seeing the hesitation as San let her hand slide into Katie's. "Katie, this is my best friend, San."

"It's nice to meet you," Katie said, still smiling.

Alisan echoed the same thing, still looking a bit jealous (maybe even angry ... at this point, all her emotions seemed to be written on her face) as she studied Katie. "My mom should be coming in here soon -"

"What about me?"

We all turned to look at Alisan's mother, Yvette, she holding a towel as she wiped her hands. "Hi," she smiled, eyes going from me to Katie quickly. "I'm Mrs. Turner. You are?"

I shook out of my confusion, quickly introducing the two. "Alisan's dad is on his way home, but I think if we don't leave now, we'll be late for dinner," I said, giving her an apologetic look. If the tension was any thicker, I'm pretty sure I would have suffocated to death on it. "San, I shouldn't be home too late. You gonna wait up for me?"

"Maybe."

I felt the pang at my heart, hearing the coldness that radiated in her tone, though she attempted to keep it sweet. "All right," I said softly. "We'll see you guys later." I opened the door, letting Katie exit first as I turned to look at San, she eyes boring into mine with what seemed to be a hint of glassy eyes. What in the world ...

"Justin," Katie called, bringing me to turn and look at her, shutting the door as I looked at the woman standing in front of me. "Whose car do you want to take?"

"We can take mine," I said, forcing a smile as I shook the image in my head away. Katie had driven here from work, it only a few miles away. We had agreed to meet at my home rather than she have to drive the whole way home and wait for me to drive the half hour to her house when she was only ten minutes away from me at the time being. "After all, I am the one who asked you out on this date, right?"

She chuckled as she followed me to my car, waiting as I opened the door for her and closed it once she was in. I jogged to my side of the car, taking one last look at the large bay window that was covered with blinds, wishing for some reason to see Alisan's face peering out, watching us go. But she wasn't, and I was left with just getting in the car and pretending that she had waved us off with a good-bye, not silence.

"So how exactly do you and your friend know each other?"

It was about an hour later, Katie and I sitting in Madison Avenue and finally being served after the mid-evening rush had slowed. So far, conversation flowed and the night seemed as if it would end well. We had comfortable silences, and after this one in particular, I was greeted with that question. After she had said this, I looked up from my food, covering my mouth and swallowing before I answered. "Who, Alisan?"

"Yeah, the girl in the living room."

"Alisan," I stated, nodding. "We met through a mutual friend ... well, my ex and her relative. We were at a party and were introduced and just clicked. That was ... five years ago? I think it's nearing six, because we met a few days after her birthday, which is in July ..."

"Oh," she nodded. "You two seem ... close."

She got that by the icy stares and small remarks? "I ... Yeah, I guess you could say we are," I nodded. "All of her family lives in Georgia so Alyssa and I are all she really has here. She has other friends, but they obviously showed their true sides after her accident."

"Sucks for her," she said softly, eyes locked on mine as I looked at her quizzically. "I mean, that her friends are horrible."

"Y-Yeah," I said, slightly baffled by her tone just then. "How about we change the subject, huh? This food is amazing."

Her face brightened a bit, nodding. "Yes it is, thank you for taking me to this place, it's amazing."

"Yeah, it is," I smiled, biting into my food. "It's Alisan's favorite restaurant." I froze, feeling my stomach drop at realization. Oh, how this is gonna end badly when she finds out I took her here. "And my mom's," I recovered, not wanting to hear anymore about Alisan from Katie. "It's a favorite within my friend's and family."

She nodded, chewing quietly as she watched me. Ah, shit, this was going bust quickly. "So where would you like to go after this? Movies? Dancing?"

"I love dancing!"

Hey, what do you know, so does Alisan.

... Shit.

"Dancing sounds great," I smiled. "I know a good club we can go to -"

"Or we can go somewhere private and do our own little dance," she suggested, hitting that one point in my body where all I wanted to do was throw down a credit card and take up her offer then and now. "I'm pretty good at that kind of dancing ..."

"We could do that," I nodded, trying to sound interested. Part of me was, AKA, the sexual anatomy of me was interested. Growing very interested at the thought, no pun intended. The heart of me wasn't as much.

But maybe this was what I needed to get over this whole hang-up over San. Maybe I just needed to ... introduce myself to another woman. See what she offers that San isn't. Maybe this is what I need, period. I nearly choked when I felt her foot sliding up my leg, dangerously close to bringing my sexual interest to attention - pun intended. "Why don't we skip dessert?" I asked, trying not to stumble on my words as I felt her toes toy with me through my pants with her toes. "Dessert is overrated, anyway."

Definitely would have stayed to have dessert with San.

Damnit.

"C'mon," I said, slapping a hundred dollar bill down from my wallet and shoving it in my back pocket, grabbing her hand and literally pulling her out of the restaurant. "Tell me where you live," I managed to breathe out, her voice answering me in a husky, sexual voice that nearly drove me to pulling to the side of the road and taking her right there in the middle of the highway.

She barely had the door open when I came from behind her, pushing her in and slamming the door, pushing her against it as I pressed my mouth against hers, wishing the face in my mind to go away as my hands met the hem of her shirt, pulling it over her head as hers roughly grabbed at my shirt, literally ripping each button off as she ripped it off of me. Aggressively, I lifted her up, holding onto her ass as I somehow managed to hike her skirt up at the same time, growing angrier and angrier by the minute as the face staring back at me became more and more defined and illustrated. Not even in the heat of the moment could I get her off of my mind.

My mind is forsaking me.

"Justin," Katie's voice rang out, moaning with her mouth against mine as she ground her hips into my crotch, she holding onto the top of my head. "Bedroom. Down the hall and to your left."

Quickly and wordlessly, I turned, mouth still attached to hers as my eyes searched for her bedroom, kicking it completely open with my foot and almost dropping her onto the bed, she pulling me down on her as her nails raked down my back. She moaned again, having at least part of my attention as her hands fumbled with the belt of my pants, quickly pulling them away from me and shoving her hand down my boxer-briefs, hand gripping onto me and pumping slowly, an unsettling moan escaping the back of my throat as I did what any horny man would do, undressing her just as quickly as my member grew, we both naked and thrusting against each other and she pleasured me.

I placed my forehead against her collarbone, mouth open as silent moans came out. I imagined anything I could to keep my mind in the present, it failing me and slowly going back to last night when I held Alisan in my arms, no worries filling my mind. What I wouldn't give for the woman I was with at this moment to be her.

I felt her push me against her opening, obliging with her demands and thrusting as I finally let my mind escape reality, away from the past, the present, the future. I thought of things a grown man really doesn't think about: candy, popsicles, confections of any sort to keep my mind away from the woman underneath me and the woman miles away. I thought about me sitting in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a pen and a pad, writing down lyrics in contentment. I thought about bluss and what it felt like to be one with myself.

I came across a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree

I felt a little fear upon my back
He said, "Don't look back, just keep on walking"
When the big, black horse said, "Look this way"
Said, "Hey lady, will you marry me?"

But I said no, no, no, no-no-no
I said no, no, you're not the one for me

Her cries as she it her climax rattled me back to reality, and soon, I grew disgusted with myself, no longer wanting to be doing what I was doing, but knowing I needed to finish off for the sake of my erection and the pain that was brought on when it wasn't taken care off. Moments later, I felt the familiar tingle and soon followed with the weakest, most disappointing orgasm I had ever had. Of course, I couldn't let the satisfied face underneath me think any different, faking an amazing one and collapsing against her chest, my forehead sliding against the sweat beads above her breasts.

"That was so good," she said softly, her hands raking through my hair as I nodded, frowning. Sure, for you it was. You just nailed Justin Timberlake, of course it was good - good for you to tell your friends about. Just good because you slept with someone famous.

"We're gonna have to keep on doing this," she breathed, reaching over and grabbing a blanket, motioning for me to lie next to her. She looked spent, exhausted. I, on the other hand, was wide-awake and angry at myself.

We lay there, and within moments, she was sleeping, gripping onto my hip tightly as I stared at the ceiling, angry tears forming. Why was I so stuck on her? Why was I driving myself to emotions I didn't want to feel after Britney? I never cried over a woman since Brit, and now, here I am, almost doing what I had done years ago. I loved Alisan, I knew that much. I knew in order for me to move on, I had to go out and ... move on with other women, but it wasn't going to happen if my mind continued to drift back to the one I was trying to get away from. Then, as if on cue, the look in her eyes shot as we left straight to my heart and I was crying.

That's right, Justin Timberlake is a big pussy. A big pussy because of a girl.

And my heart hit a problem
So I stopped it dead for a beat or two
But I cut some cord, and I shouldn't have done it
And it won't forgive me after all these years

I got up, trying to keep my tears to a minimum as I gathered my clothes, dressing myself as I walked clumsily out of her house. I locked the door behind me, not wanting to be put to blame if she were to be robbed or something, still fumbling with my pants as I got into the car, tossing my shoes into the back, not caring about them.

When I got home, it wasn't late at all. All the lights were off, Alisan's parents' car was still in the driveway, and Yvette was sitting in the porch swing. I licked my lips, reaching behind me for my shoes and trying to make myself look less sexually mussed up and just tired. Getting out, my feet felt like lead, head felt like an anvil was resting atop of it, and I felt mentally like shit. The look on Yvette's face told me I was gonna feel more like shit once she was done with me. "Hi, 'Vette," I said softly, she motioning for me to sit down next to her. "She all right?"

"I think we're gonna take her down to Georgia until she heals," she said softly, turning her head to look at me. "Let her mama take care of her."

"What? Why?" I grew puzzled, playing with the buttons on my shirt and realizing that they were uneven. Shit. Crossing my arms to hide my mistake, I studied her face as she sighed, shaking her head. "Yvette -"

"Justin, she's not happy here. I can see it in her face. She's depressed with the accident and I think it'd be best to let her go home to something more familiar -"

"She's been here almost six years," I said, arguing with her. "It's not unfamiliar to her anymore. Georgia will seem so foreign to her if she goes now -"

"I'd rather her be at home so someone can take care of her until she's back on her feet -"

"I'm taking care of her," I said, feeling slightly flustered. "Yvette -"

"That is my name," she said, giving me a weak smile, "you don't have to repeat it. Look, Justin, I know you love her, but I see her spiraling into a depression and I don't want to be around when this happens. I want to be with her and bring her back up into the happiness that she had before she left for her. This place has changed her and I don't like it -"

"It's not her that's changed," I frowned. "She's still the same sweet girl that came here five years ago. I just think there's a lot going on in her head that she needs to figure out -"

"That's why I want her to come home."

"I don't want her to go," I said, shaking my head. "I'm taking care of her. She trusts me, she knows I'll do whatever I can to make her comfortable and happy. I'll get to the bottom of her funk and I'll make her happy again, I can promise you that. I've brought her out of a funk before, I can do it again."

"Justin, I don't know, I -"

"She's twenty-five, Mrs. Turner," I said, shaking my head. "That means she's a grown woman and her mama shouldn't have to worry about her all the time. I know it's in the motherly contract, but I can promise you, she wouldn't be any better than she is now if you took her away from here, from me. We feed off of each other, Yvette. She's my best friend. I need her here. She needs me."

She sighed deeply, not saying another word. Leaning her head against the swing, I slowly waiting for a response, but never got any. With this, I got up slowly, intending on showering and then spending the night next to her.

I knew my skin was going to be raw after I stepped out of the shower. I scrubbed so hard on every inch of me that had touched Katie, almost drawing blood on my hands as I scrubbed with anger on the tops of my hands. I didn't even dry off, pulling on a pair of boxer-briefs and then a pair of pajama pants, water still dripping down my back as I went to her room, knocking gently before I pushed it open, she lying on her side with her eyes closed.

"San," I called softly, getting no response. Quietly, I shut the door and tip-toed into the room, drawing the covers down and crawling underneath. As I made myself comfortable, Alisan turned her head and slowly turned herself onto her stomach, eyes meeting mine tiredly. "Hey, sleepy," I said softly, she blinking slowly in response. "Go back to bed -"

She shook her head, placing her head on my chest as her hand resting against my stomach, my breath quickening at just that simple touch. "How was the date," she asked groggily, voice low and husky from sleep. She still looked the same as when I had left, the look in her eyes something I still couldn't read. "Was she nice?"

"It was all right," I said, nodding. "She is nice. Very nice." Way too nice, I added to myself, forcing a smile as I looked down at her. "We had dinner and then just ... hung out."

Bad lie.

"Where did you take her to dinner?"

I cringed, she looking at me, puzzled. "Madison Avenue."

"Oh."

Strike one.

"Where did you guys hang out?"

Oh, this wasn't going to end well at all. "Her house."

She stopped tapping her fingers on my chest, body completely still as she let what I said settle into her mind. "Did you sleep with her?"

If my heart could go any faster, it'd beat out of my chest and into the next county. "Did I sleep with her?"

"That's what I asked," she said softly, eyes studying mine for an answer since I was stalling. "J, I'm not gonna be angry, it's your sex life -"

"I did," I said softly, closing my eyes as the pained expression on her eyes broke through the face set in stone. "It just happened and I -"

"I don't need any explanation," she said softly, turning her head so that she was facing the foot of the bed, quiet. "I'm not your mother, or your girlfriend. I don't need to know where you are and what you do 24/7."

Strike two through a billion. 

"I know," I said softly, placing my hand on the top of her head and gently stroking her hair. "I'm sorry ..."

"For what?" Her voice cracked with a yawn and what I thought to be a hint of emotion, my heart breaking at this. What was going on with her? "There's nothing to be sorry about."

"You clearly needed your best friend today and I left you hanging to dry," I said softly. "That's not the way a friend is."

"You were fine, Justin," she mumbled, tilting her head upwards so she could look at me, "I've just got a lot on my mind right now."

"Wanna talk about it?"

She grew silent, she shaking her head against me. "I don't even know what's going on in my head right now to make sense of it and put it into a sentence," she replied. "I just think this medication is making me loopy or something ..."

"Well, I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to."

"I know."

We lay there in silence, she and I both wide awake. I knew if I said something, the conversation would end quickly. She was angry, maybe upset. About what, I didn't know. I had all intention on finding out.

*Alisan*

"Get this," Justin said, breaking my blank stare at the mug of coffee in my hands. I looked up, waiting for him to resume what I was supposed to be getting, he leaning up against the counter and cradling his own mug, cell phone that had been on his ear only moments before now on the counter. "Now, because of me sleeping with Katie, she thinks we're together."

I raised an eyebrow, releasing my hands from the mug as I cracked my knuckles, studying his face. He didn't seem too bothered by it. "And that means ... what, exactly?"

"I don't know," he said, voice puzzled. "Normally, I'd be really freaked and tell them to never talk to me again, but she seemed ... different than what I dated. Maybe a weird different, but it was fun, nonetheless."

I didn't know if I bought what he said, the look on his face a little hesitant as he said it. "So you're going to go along with it?"

"For now, maybe," he nodded, setting the cup down and crossing the kitchen to sit across from me at the island. "Why?"

"You just ... didn't seem that interested yesterday."

"I liked her, San. And obviously with you and I never working, I need to move on, right? So that's what I'm gonna do," he said, the subject of he and I suddenly causing that familiar churn in my stomach that I hated so much. "No one is ever going to be you, but if I can't be with you, I've gotta be with someone who wants me, too."

I sighed deeply, shaking my head. "It's not like 99.9% of the population is better than me anyway," I shrugged, looking down and taking my mug, bringing the hot coffee to my mouth and hissing as it burned the roof of my mouth. "They're all better. I never understood how you chose me, anyway."

"Oh, c'mon, San," he said, agitated. "You know why I want you." He stopped, catching himself. "Wanted." When I shook my head at him, he shook his head, letting his eyes burn into mine so hard that I felt as if I looked away, he'd burn my skin away with his look. "You're amazing. You're the one woman who has never let me put myself on this pedestal. When I actually do, you're there to knock it out from underneath me and give that satisfied look when I land on my ass. You're the rare find that doesn't think much of herself, but if she'd actually open her eyes wide enough, she'd realize that everyone thinks she's as beautiful as I do. You're not the typical woman who is obsessed with her body. You know what you have and embrace it. You're funny as hell, sweet as ever, and you care about me. And in the five and a half years we've known each other, you haven't attempted to get in my pants. That I know of."

"Not like a man like you would argue with."

He raised an eyebrow, not getting me. "What?"

"If I knew it was easy to get into someone's pants like Katie did, then maybe I should pull some of her moves and get advice on how to do so."

"San -"

I got up, my mind whirling. Why was I upset about this? This was totally out of my mindframe. "I'm going to my room." Getting up, I grabbed onto my crutches, slowly hobbling towards the guest room as he sat there, stunned. I was stunned, too. It was definitely not the reaction I was aiming for, nor was it the response to him that I was aware would be coming out of my mouth. I reached forward, setting my crutches on the wall and hitting the stereo power button, hitting shuffle and letting the music play as I lay there, trying not to concentrate on what my mind was busy whirling about, letting the words of the music take me away ... though with what was being sung, it wasn't helping much. It was taking me back to the thoughts I had the other night, and now my mind was going haywire.

When we turn out the lights
The two of us alone together

"San?" Justin pushed open the door, a smirk on his face as he looked at me, lying on my back and staring at him, trying to sing softly to myself and ignore his gaze, eyes widening as he played himself onto Justin Timberlake yet again, the cocky smile forming as he crawled from the foot of the bed over to me, staring down at me with a smirk. "Backstreet Boys, huh?"
Something's just not right
But girl, you know that I would never
Ever let another touch
Come between the two of us
'Cause no one else will ever take your place

"It's not the Backstreet Boys," I mumbled, turning my head as I stared at the wall. "It's Joe."

"Same song, might as well be them," he said lightly. "You gonna tell me what's wrong?"

"I'm fine," I said, a grunt escaping my mouth as he put his weight on me, forehead against mine as he studied my face, looking for answers. "C'mon, J, you're heavy."

"So?" He grinned, voice near my ear now as he began to sing along, sending goosebumps all over my body.

Oh, baby
No one else comes close ... to you
No one makes me feel the way you do
You're so special, girl ... to me
And you'll always be eternally
Every time I hold you near
You always say the words I long to hear
Girl, with just a touch
You can do so much

No one else comes close ...

I opened my eyes when I felt his breath close to my face, hand still cradling the side of his face and shifting when I felt the compromising position we were in: his legs overlapping mine, careful of my cast, hip to hip, nearly chest to chest, my breasts just barely grazing him. Leaning down, he slid a hand up to my cheek, caressing it with the back of his fingers. "San, I don't know what you want me to do," he said softly, eyes studying mine as I felt my breath hitch in my throat, the closeness of us bringing me to a place I hadn't been in a long time. "I don't know how you want me to feel, but I can't help that it's hard getting over you ..."

"I'm not a good person to be with," I said softly, slowly. "I'm not, I'm not your type."

"I don't have a type," he mumbled, eyes slowly traveling down to my mouth as I nervously licked my lips, his own tongue snaking out and licking his. "I have a preference, and I prefer you."

"Justin -"

"I want you, San. There hasn't been a doubt in my mind for so long, and that scares me ... but I want you. I want all of you: your heart, your smile, your body ... your undivided attention," he laughed, tipping my chin as I stared at his mouth. "I want your mouth on mine, I want your body against mine as I make love to you the way you deserve. I want to be able to rip your clothes from your body and not worry about what you're thinking ..."

I could only nod, eyes dropping closed once more as his hand continued it's gentle stroking against my cheek, once more licking my lips as I felt his hand slowly slide down my face to my collarbone, making it's way to the back of my neck. He was closer now, through half-lidded eyes, I managed to watch him lick his lips again, eyes on my mouth. Moments later, almost as if in slow motion, his mouth was against mine in the most heartwrenching kiss I could ever imagine.

I didn't stop him. That was another realization that occurred to me, realizing that I was not just falling in love with him, I was in love with him. I felt the way our mouths molded together perfectly, the way his body fit mine like a puzzle, how his tongue knew exactly what to do to drive me over the edge and wanting to rip his clothes off.

But I couldn't. We couldn't.

I felt his hand slowly go down towards my shirt, hiking it up so that he could slip a hand in, gripping my hip and he gently rocked against me. He wanted it as much as I did, but I knew I had to stop it. There was now another woman and this was wrong.

I always knew wrong would feel better than right eventually.

*Justin*

It felt so good to finally have this release; to be able to kiss the one woman I've wanted to kiss for so long without reserve and know she's returning the same exact feeling. She was an amazing kisser, too. I know I've heard that a person can be good or bad, depending on the opposite party, so maybe, maybe we're good together. We're amazing together. The moment I put my mouth to hers, I had her. She melted into me and let me take her away from her doubts, let me kiss her the way I have wanted to from the first moment I fell for her pout.

My fingers were barely grazing the soft satin of her bra when she broke the kiss suddenly. Hands holding my face, she looked at me, eyes wide. "Justin, we can't do this."

"Why not?" I asked softly, feeling her fingers against my skin, her thumbs resting on my lower lip. I'm already half-past horny and completely past wanting to take her right then and there, regardless of horny. We were both breathing heavily, she not once breaking her gaze with me as her thumbs ran across my lip, unsure of what to say. "Alisan, why not?"

"Because," she said softly, shaking her head as she finally pulled her hands away touching her own lips and looking away from me. "There is another woman, am I right? One that you are now in a relationship with."

"Then I can end it. I can end it so fast if it meant being with you," I said, trying to get her gaze back. If I caught her gaze, she'd listen. She wouldn't just brush off what I say in a mocking sense. "San, seriously. I want you over any woman I've ever had or wanted in my entire life. I'd give up anything just to love you and know you're mine. If I had to give up my career to have you, I would. In a heartbeat -"

"You love your music," she said softly, finally turning to look at me as she realized just how serious I was. "You love it more than life itself -"

"I love you more than life itself," I corrected, her face reddening as I watched her fight back tears. I was gonna make her cry. "San, please ... you have to believe me." I got up, watching as she pulled the bunched up fabric of her shirt back down to cover herself, she putting her hands over her face. "There isn't anything else in this world that I want more than to make you realize just how much I really, truly care for you. You're the one that I want."

"You can say it a million different ways, it still doesn't change things," she said softly, the hint of tears now etched in her voice. "I don't know what came over me when I kissed you back, I don't know what I was doing -"

"You love me, that's why you kissed me back," I said, pushing her. I knew I may have been pushing too hard, but I wanted her to see what I saw. I wanted her take this seriously ... take me seriously.

"We're friends, we can't overstep that boundary -"

"Ten minutes ago, we stepped so far over than boundary that we're in another location completely," I said, watching as she brought herself up, sitting on the edge of the bed with the palms of her hands holding her forehead as she stared at the ground. "We're inbetween 'friends' and 'lovers'. I want to move completely out of this middle phase, San. I want to so badly -"

"We can't," she said softly. "We just can't."

"Why?" I asked, kneeling down and placing my hand on her unbroken leg, turning my head so I was looking up at her saddened face. "Give me a good enough reason as to why we shouldn't be together and I will never, ever bring it up again."

She began to cry harder, and before I could even tell her I was right, that she couldn't find any reason as to why we shouldn't be together, she spoke - it pouring out of her quickly like it was hot to the touch, her eyes widening as she admitted it. "I'm in love with JC."

I didn't know how to take that. I knew she liked him. Liked him a lot. Okay, maybe I knew she loved him, but I never heard her say it before. Her admittance somehow triggered the emotional man in me and I felt tears form in my eyes as I grew angry with her, myself, with our situation. "Fine," I said, holding my hands up in defeat. "Fine. Go lead him on like you led me on," I snapped, ignoring her calls for me as I stormed out of the bedroom, now crying openly as I grabbed my keys and left the house quickly, wanting nothing more than to go drink myself into oblivion, regardless of it being early in the day.

Something stopped me, though. A nagging feeling deep in my gut that had me turning around and going back into the house, pushing her bedroom door open with such force it slammed against the wall with a sickening thunk. "So what's wrong with me, huh? Am I so horrible that you can't just admit you love me, too?! Is that it? Am I this horrible person that you can't even admit you love me, too, for the fear that it may cause your little perfect reputation to go bad? Am I an ugly being and you just can't be seen with me?! What is it, Alisan, huh?! I could have given things that you never thought you had! I loved you more than JC ever would. I don't know what you did, but you did and you had me wrapped around your little finger. You had me, okay?! You had me." I dug my palms into my eyes, angrily wiping the tears away as I then looked at her again, she now standing up, chest heaving from sobs. "You. Had. Me."

"Justin, please -"

In a normal walk, it would take at least six footsteps to be where she was in the bedroom; my two long strides got me standing in front of her, grabbing her face and kissing her with so much intensity that she literally buckled, she holding onto my wrists for support. Hell, she even returned the kiss.

I don't know what was going on with her, but she wasn't taking me down in this sick game. She had me, she now lost me. Pulling away, our mouths still barely touching, I swallowed the lump from my throat. "I'm done. I'm not fighting for you anymore. You enjoy your life as an old woman and your damn dogs." I let go of her face, her fingers slowly falling away from my wrists, fingerprints on my skin from how tight she had been holding me. "Done."

"J, please -"

I held my hands up, silencing her as I turned away from her, hearing her crying as every step I took broke my heart even more. I had to do this, it was the only way I'd be able to move on, cutting off the problem at the source. Though, I wasn't sure if I cut the right source.

Getting in my car, I sat there, slamming my hands on my steering wheel and burying my face in my arms against it. An exhausted sob escaped my mouth as I tried to collect my last bit of sanity, putting the key into the ignition and pulling out of the driveway, headed towards the end of the gated community in a rush to get away from my conscience. And yet, somehow, my conscienceness took me to the last place I wanted to be.

"Justin?"

I looked from from my trek up the sidewalk, giving a weak smile. "Katie, hey."

I wanted comfort. Hell, I needed it. If I wasn't going to get comfort from the one woman that mattered most, I'd get it from a woman who at least liked me.

"You look horrible," she said softly, hand going up to my face and wiping my cheeks where the tears had been. "Are you okay?"

"Better now," I said, giving her a weak smile. She reached down, taking my hand and leading me inside her house. "Just having a rough day, I guess."

"You sure you're okay?"

"Mmm-hmm," I sat down on her couch as she disappeared into her kitchen, coming back shortly with a glass of sweet tea in hand. "Thank you."

Sitting down next to me, I surveyed the woman that was now I guess, my girlfriend. How that happened, I wasn't too sure. We slept together, and suddenly, were together? How exactly does that ... occur? She was beautiful though, much like the women I had always chose to be with: Tall and slender, deep eyes, a beautiful smile. She had deep brown hair and fair skin, almost looking like a doll. She didn't seem easily broken though ... there was something about her that made her almost rough around the edges. She seemed almost indestructable.

"I shouldn't have come here," I said softly, sipping the tea that she had given me and standing up slowly, her eyes following my movements. "I needed to clear my head, be alone ... but here I am, mind racing and I'm here with you."

"Who in their right mind wants to be alone at times like that, Justin?" She asked softly, eyes burning into mine. I felt horrible, even if I kind of ... stumbled into this relationship after a decision that I made, I was kissing another woman when this woman believed us to be together. My heart belonged to the other party and I wasn't quite sure if I'd ever be able to take it from her. "If you want to be alone, I'll understand. I don't know what's going on in that head of yours, but if you ever need an ear, I'm willing."

"Thank you," I said gratefully, placing a gentle kiss against her forehead. "I just ... I don't know why I came here in the first place for this kind of thing. Maybe I didn't want to be alone at that moment, but I do ... right now, I do. I need to be able to sort through my brain and understand what it's trying to tell me because my heart isn't listening at the moment." I sighed deeply, raking a hand through my hair. "Times like these call for a pen and a notepad to write down everything ... but I don't think I could bring myself to write this kind of stuff down -"

"It'd make a killer song," she said with a slight smile. "The best songs are those based on real emotions."

"I know." I sighed again, picking up my keys off of the floor and giving her another grateful smile. "I'll call you later, okay? I just need to be by myself."

She got up, following me to the door. "It's understandable, Justin. Everyone needs those kinds of days."

"Too bad you got to see that the second day in of us being together," I chuckled, she giving me a sad smile. "Or first, I really don't know what would be the day ..."

"It doesn't matter," she shrugged, reaching forward and wiping my cheek with the pad of her thumb. "Go, get your head cleared. Call me if you feel like coming over."

"All right," I nodded, leaning forward and placing a kiss on her cheek. "Thank you for the tea."

She gave a slight smirk, nodding. "You're welcome. Now, go. Go make yourself feel better."

"If that's possible." I replied, walking down the stairs and stopping as I heard her call me one last time.

"J?"

Turning to look at her, I watched as she leaned up against the wall of her front porch, hair sticking slightly to the red brick. "Yeah?"

"No one can make you happy but yourself. The only aid people have in that factor is helping you keep it that way. Happiness is all in your hands, it just depends on how bad you want it."

I nodded, giving her another weak smile as I headed to my car, getting in and driving away quickly, saying my goodbye with a honk of the horn. I didn't agree with that. Not all of it, anyway. I actually believed that I was happy until I realized just how bad I had it for Alisan and just how bad it would get if she ever found out. Lo and behold, she did find out and now, I was as unhappy as I could be. I knew that there was worse to be unhappy about, but my life was normally good and I felt good; this was just one major bump in the road that I couldn't seem to get over or even go around. I had it staring me dead on in the face, it breathing down my neck and squeezing my heart as if it were a stress ball ... clenching, releasing, giving more pressure, letting my heart skip a beat or two, letting it fall back into normal range. That face that stared back at me was none other than Alisan, and she was so unaware of just how much of an impact she was having on me,

I supposed it was borderline obsessive. I definitely was obsessed with the idea of she and I being together ... I wasn't so much obsessed with her, in a crazy stalkerish sort of way, but I definitely thought of nothing but her when it came to my heart and love. People say that there is nothing to compare to your first love, because nothing is better, but she wasn't my first love, nor my second ... not even my third; she was probably fifth, maybe sixth ... my first through fourth could not compare, and if I ever had loves after her, they would never, either. I loved her. I felt connected to her like no other. I saw my days raising our children together, growing old and watching our children raise our grandchildren. I saw us when we were alone at our old age, sitting at the piano and me singing her favorite song to her. Or, on rare occasion, she singing to me.

I saw so much promise within the two of us that I lost grip of reality. Not just a little, but by a lot. I hadn't even thought to pick up a guitar and write something, I haven't even begun to train for the last leg of my tour. I know I was only home for a week, but I was a workaholic, and as soon as I step out of the terminal and through the gates of an airport, I'm already thinking of new ways to fix things from the tour or even add on to it ... I haven't even thought of what was already there. She had taken over my mind, taken over my control, taken over my entire being. And what scared me, after all these years of saying I'd never give up my love for music and never give up my career, I would if she asked me to. I would give up the one thing that has kept me sane and comfortable for the one thing in this moment that was driving me crazy and a loss for emotions.

Funny how something so good could make you feel so bad.

*Alisan*

"I'm coming there and getting you."

"Gabby, no," I argued, holding my cell phone to my hear with my shoulder as I wiped the remnants of dry tears away from my face. I had been standing in the middle of my room before she had called, throwing all my belongings in my bags and contemplating who to call when her name graced the screen of my Caller ID. "I don't want you to come get me, I don't want to be a burden ..."

"Nonsense," she said in her 'tish, tosh' manner. "You're my baby sister and I'm going to take care of you. That's how it should have been in the first place. I'm a half hour away so can you handle being there for about ... 45 minutes while I put Logan down for his nap and get Lilly from school?"

I sighed. There was no way I was getting out of this now. "Yeah, I can."

"Good. I'll call when I'm close." With that, she hung up. My sister was rarely a part of my life, she having left home when I was 14 years old to move to L.A. herself to make a life away from my parents. At that time, she was 18 and pregnant with Lilly. She did make a name for herself, for a while: a private dancer at some gentleman's club that housed the infamous and not-so-infamous of celebrities. She met her future husband there (he was a security guard with dreams of owning his own restaurant), he coaxing her out of the job and to work for him. They married eight months later, Lilly around one at the time. Now, Gabby was co-owner of Casablanca, an Italian restaurant. Lilly was now 8 1/2, nearing 9, and Logan was a little over three. There was also now one on the way from what my mother had told me (she was only about four months pregnant). Gabby wasn't much for my family, though I can't blame her in ways. My mother wanted Gabby to give Lilly up for adoption, refusing to acknowledge that her oldest daughter had accidentally gotten pregnant by her more off than on boyfriend. After many fights ensued, Gabby packed in the middle of the night and left without a word. Things were still bad between my mom and sister, but my father, who told my mother he was going on business trips, would fly to L.A. instead to visit his daughter and grandbabies.

And now, I'm running away and she's behind me, not turning into my mother and telling me I need to face what happened, rather than leave well enough alone before it got worse. For this, I was grateful, though a little unsure as to where this would leave Justin and I. I didn't want to lose him, he was my best friend. But being here, I'd lose a lot of respect for myself if I just kept letting him do what he would do, fully aware of the now girlfriend that I'm sure will be attached to his hip anytime soon. They always are.

Justin had been gone for more than three hours by the time Gabby had called. I had finally let up on my tears about an hour beforehand, staring blankly at the wall and coming to the realization that I had to leave. It'd be the best thing for us, he'd see that. (Perhaps he'd see it before I did). In the long run, we'd both be happier and he'd be able to go on with his life the way he was supposed to. He'd get married to some gorgeous model type, and she, being afraid to ruin her figure by pregnancy, would talk him into adoption. They'd adopt one, maybe two children, and live luxuriously until their lives would take the last trip down the road. Perhaps I wasn't meant to be in his life after this ... that my being here is just holding him back from the amazing life he'd have without me in it. Every little thing he strived to be and strived to have, I was afraid of.

I was afraid of fame. The one thing he had that kept him well-known and in the spotlight was the one thing I refused to be a part of. I refused to be a part of something so hot and cold, refused to be under the microscope and be studied for every single flaw I had. I was afraid of money. Afraid that if I had enough of it, I'd be bankrupt quicker than it took me to earn it. I was afraid of love and commitment, the one thing Justin breathed for. Perhaps my liking for JC was because he too, wasn't one for long-term commitment, he also being afraid of the whole marriage thing. JC was my excuse. Maybe he was that wall that I put up for an excuse so I didn't have to unmask the feelings I felt for Justin, if that was what I was feeling at the moment.

I was so afraid, that I wasn't even sure how I felt about either man. JC was always the eptiome of what I wanted when I was younger and dreamt about. Sweet, gentle, looking for the same thing and suddenly giving up because he had been burned one too many times. Justin, on the other hand, was demanding, cocky, yet so overwhelmingly sweet and charismatic that you forgot about all the negativity when the positive shone through. He felt all with his heart, and when it was feeling something, he refused to let go.

That's when I knew he was for real, that he actually did love me. He wasn't letting go of his feelings and refused to let me settle for what I was saying. He was refusing my words, refusing what I said ... until I ... confessed loving JC more.

And he bought it. Mr. 'Question Everything More Than Once Just In Case' had bought it and left. When had I become a good liar, exactly? Sure, I felt things for JC that I wasn't sure would go anywhere, but I did. Hell, those feelings had been around from the moment he gave a smile to me that was meant only for me, but Justin did the same thing. Why had I overlooked it?

I put my hand to my mouth then, fighting back tears as words flowed through my mind, sticky and sweet. Of course, it was his voice, singing his words and making me feel completely horrible.

I jumped, hearing the door slam: a signal that he had arrived home. I held back a painful sob as I lowered myself to the ground, picking up clothes and throwing them in the bag, feeling helpless. Another sob came out, it not muffled as I blindingly reached for more clothes and the various body sprays that were lying by my feet, angry that I was in the shape I was in and unable to move around like I could before. Only another 7 weeks and I'd be okay. I'd be able to chicken out and run away quicker. I'd train myself and run so no one could ever catch me like he did.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Jumping, I looked up, wiping away the tears that fell as I tried to not keep eye contact with him. "Packing."

"Packing?! What?! Why?!" He stepped into the room, watching me as I zipped up my bag and pulled myself slowly up with the foot of my bed as a stabilizer for my other leg. "San -"

"I can't stay here," I said softly, glancing down at my phone, it flowing with an incoming call: Gabby. Dropping down again, I picked it up, hearing her greet me. "I've gotta go somewhere where I don't have to worry about hurting you anymore ..."

"I'm ten minutes away - Alisan?"

"Just, hurry," I said quickly, tossing the phone on the bed as I reached down slightly, unable to reach the bag, Justin's hand appearing in front of my face and swiping the bag out of my reach. "Justin!"

"I'm not letting you go," he said, voice panicked. "I promised I'd take care of you, and I'm going to -"

"Gabby will," I clenched my shaking hands into fists, wishing Gabby would hurry and get here. "Justin, you've helped enough. I need to get out of here -"

"And away from me?" He asked softly, meeting my tear-filled eyes with his own. He swallowed roughly, waiting for my answer as I bit my lip, muffling a sob that I was sure would escape if I didn't.

"No," I said, shaking my head and lying once more to him. "I just need a change of scenery, a change of pace. Besides, you need to take care of your tour, your ... girlfriend ..."

"Oh, so it goes back to that? Back to Katie? Alisan, I told you, she'd be gone if -"

"She doesn't need to be gone!" I felt my battle with the sobs slowly giving way, putting my fist to my mouth and silencing them. Grabbing my crutches, I brushed past him as fast as I could, hearing a car pull into the drive. "That's not what I'm saying, that's not why I'm leaving -"

"You're leaving because of me, am I right? You're leaving because I love you and you don't want to face that! Well, you're gonna have to! You're still my best friend, Alisan! Regardless of what I feel for you and what you don't feel for me -"

"No!" I screamed, still blindly hobbling my way to the door an unlatching the locks he had done each and every time he came in the house. "I'm leaving because I have to! If I don't, things will get all screwed up and I'll lose you forever -" I pulled the door open, feeling him grab onto my good arm, turning me to look at him as Gabby stood there, shocked. "Justin, please!"

"Don't go," he begged, eyes wide and pleading. "Please, I'll fix this, you'll think this never happened -"

"You can't fix how I feel," I blurted, a gasp coming from behind me as Gabby, I imagined, clutched her heart in shock. Justin just stood there, a dumbfounded look on his face as he waited for an explanation. "I can't not love you, Justin; but I can leave and let you have the life you're supposed to have -"

He licked his lips, the disbelief dripping off of his face. "You can't ... not what?"

I felt my heart pounding, bitng my lip almost to the bleeding point. "Love you. Is that what you want to hear? That I love you, too? I do. God damnit, I love you more than I thought. But I can't ... I can't do this. You're not meant to be with me, and you'll see that. You'll see what I mean. I have to go -"

"Alisan ..." His voice was breaking as I fought back my own tears, nodding towards the back. "My things are in the back bedroom, right off of the kitchen -"

Gabby nodded sadly, brushing past Justin and I as he stood there in front of me, at loss for words. "You'll thank me for this," I said softly, looking down at the floor as I turned towards the door. "You'll have the life you were meant to have. You'll be with the girl you were meant to be with -"

"I was meant to be with you," he said softly, a heartbreaking tone I had never heard him use before. "I was meant to love you, Alisan. Maybe some day, you'll understand that."

"Justin," I said, turning my head to look at him, he gone.

I went down to the car, putting my crutches in the back. Minutes later, Gabby had appeared in the driver's seat, my belongings in the trunk. As we pulled away, my palm to the window, I saw him standing in the large bay window, face unreadable. He had raised his hand up for a weak wave, but it ended up looking as if he was shielding his face from the sun, he turning his head away when my eyes caught his.

I knew that this was the end of us.

*Justin*

July had to be my favorite month next to January and basically the entire winter season. It really made no difference in L.A. with the seasons, but back in Memphis, it meant that the top could be down and the sun shone longer than ever. Love always seemed to bloom and the warm weather always made people happier. It wasn't an exception for me: I was so deliriously happy that it felt wrong.

Katie and I were still together, though it seemed as if we'd end shortly after Alisan had left due to my bad mood swings, but she stuck by me and we were pretty close. I don't know if I'd call what we had serious, but it was close. She seemed to be the one that was pulling away. One minute, she was attached to my hip, the other she was finding reasons for us to fight. I wasn't sure if I liked that.

So, here I am. Memphis, Tennessee to be exact. My mama and Paul live in Millington (and sometimes L.A.) now, but my father and Lisa are still here, so I'm paying a little visit to them before going back to Memphis. Jonathan and Stephen have grown since the last time I saw them: Jonathan around 14 and almost up to my chin and Stephen about 9 and mid-chest. I had a feeling they'd both be taller than me shortly. I didn't like that idea.

"So how are things back home?" Lisa asked as she placed a plate of fried chicken and mashed potatoes in front of me, studying my face. "Music going well? Life?"

I nodded, taking a rather hefty bite of the chicken, chewing it up and swallowing before elaborating, "It's the same, I guess. Tour starts in three weeks, life is going on as it has for a while ... still dating Katie ..."

"I'd like to meet her," Lisa replied, sitting down across from me with her own plate as Jonathan and Stephen came into the kitchen. "When will you bring her around?"

"Eh, I don't know," I said, wiping my mouth with a napkin as I studied the two growing boys down the table. God, Stephen looked like me at that age. Jonathan looked like Lisa. There was no doubt either of them weren't Timberlakes, though. "I don't want to rush things with this one. I did it with the girl before her and ran off, scared ..."

"But you never dated her ..." My dad corrected, "you just told her you had feelings for her and then she ran."

"Was she hot?"

"Jonathan!" Lisa laughed loudly, shaking her head at his antics. "That's not a way to talk about women!"

I chuckled, putting my fork down and taking a sip of the wine that dad had bought for my homecoming. "She wasn't hot, Jon. She was beautiful."

"Hot's better."

"Beautiful is more ... classy," I stated, nodding in agreeance with myself. "Hot is like ... model appearance. She's ... different. She's exotic looking but it's more beauty than hotness."

Jonathan remained quiet but I could see the gears shifting in his head. Soon after I noticed this, he spoke up again. "Why'd she run? You're Justin Timberlake. Did she sleep with you?"

This time, it was both of my parents who were screeching and wide-eyed. "Jonathan!"

I bit my lip to refrain the laughter, looking at Stephen who was a little confused at the entire conversation. "It was nothing like that, Jonny. I just scared her off."

"Who are we talking about?" Stephen finally piped in, eyes studying mine and then looking over at Jonathan, whose head was now hung low with cheeks hinting red. "Alisan?"

I arched an eyebrow, curious as to how he knew. "Yeah. How do you know her?"

"We met her a couple years ago, remember? When we came up to visit before you started filming 'Edison'. She was there with you, almost like she was your assistant. Jon thought she was hot."

"Her?! You let her go?!"

I looked over at Jonathan, nodding and shrugging simultaneously. "Sometimes, when you love someone, you've gotta let them go ..."

My father cleared his throat from down the table, looking at me with a sympathetic look on his face. "Well, how's tour practice going? I'm surprised they let you have the last few weeks off ..."

I gave him a grateful look, shrugging. "Practice is gonna be brutal when I reach the U.K. I'm ready for it, though. I have been itching to get back on stage since June. It was so bad the other day that Katie took me to karaoke just to shut me up. She got me so drunk I was singing Backstreet Boys songs."

They all laughed at this, my dad shaking his head in disbelief. "Bet you sounded good singing their songs."

"Wouldn't say they were the best, but people were getting a kick out of Justin Timberlake singing like Nick Carter," I grinned, taking another bite of my chicken. "Especially singing 'Larger Than Life'. Katie thought it was hilarious. I don't think she stopped laughing for a good three days after that."

"I may run and hide when you're screaming my name, all right ..."

I looked over at Lisa, she singing softly to herself, though loud enough for all of us to hear. She had a smug look on her face, giving me a wink as she took a bite of her own food. The rest of the dinner consisted of my entire family attempting to serenade me with Backstreet Boys songs, somehow mixing the words up and ending with *NSYNC lyrics.

I hadn't sat down and thought about Alisan for a while. The last time I heard about her, JC had told me she was thinking of moving back to Georgia, though he had talked her out of it, and was now dating a man named Lucas - he also a real estate agent. After curiosity got the best of me (okay, and a bit of obsessiveness about her moving on), I googled his name and saw that not only was a realtor, but probably the most successful out of San Francisco, San Diego and Mission Beach (the man moved around a lot, I suppose). As a man, I was comfortable enough to say that he was indeed attractive, but there was definitely something that irked me about him. Maybe it was his smirk that said he had something that I didn't, or maybe it was the fact that JC said he acted (and looked) a bit like me.

For a few weeks after that, I obsessed over reasons as to why she chose him and not me, but after a big ultimatum from Katie about this, I decided to end that and moved on with my life. It seemed to take the better of me and suddenly, as I'm standing at the kitchen counter with Lisa while my dad and my brothers work on sort of project Stephen had for his camp, she entered my mind seconds before Lisa brought her back up.

"So, you gonna tell your dear old step-mother what is going on in that head of yours?" She asked, turning her head to look at me and then down at the dish I had been washing for a few minutes in the same circular motion. "Any more circles and I'll have a see through plate."

I looked down, pausing my motions and sighing deeply. "I don't know ... my mind has been a little haywire lately."

"Problems with Katie?"

I looked over at her, the concerned look on her face comforting to me. "No. Everything is okay with us. Just ... other things."

" ... Alisan?" She said it more as a statement than question, this I knew; I also knew she'd put it in question form to act as if she didn't know. "Did you see her again or something?"

"No," I said, shaking my head and sighing. "I haven't seen her since she left that day. Things haven't been the same for us since. I just feel as if I'm missing something."

"You are," she said softly, setting down the hand towel and placing a hand on my forearm. She was the only person in my family I had told what happened to, she was more like a friend than a step-mother. Somehow, it came out, and surprisingly, she was so comforting. She never said anything to anyone, and this, this gave her major credit with the 'step' relations. "She never gave you closure. You weren't given it. You loved her, and she ran away. I just wish she would have listened to you ..."

"She did, Lise," I sighed, shaking my head sadly. "She admitted she loved me when she left, but she still went because she felt as if I deserved better than her ..."

"Maybe you do," she said, picking up a cup and drying it. They had a dishwasher, but she felt it was time for bonding, so this is what she pulled out, rather than sitting on the couch and talking, we stood over the kitchen counter. "Maybe she saw something you didn't. Or, maybe you do just because she obviously doesn't deserve you."

"I think she does," I said, feeling what seemed to be a permanent fixture on my face from months ago suddenly make a reappearance. So much for summer bliss. "I think it's me who doesn't. I was all kinds of wrong for her."

"Justin Randall," Lisa put the other cup she was drying down, placing her hands on her hips. "I may not be your birth mother, but I know you well enough to say that what you said is not true. You are a southern gentleman, a sweet man with a big heart. Sure, you do get all man on us a lot of the times with your cockiness and stubborn nature, but that's nothing no one can deal with. What you go by is the environment around you. Obviously, the industry you are in is going to make you a hard ass, but when you're around family, you're never like that. I'm sure there was never a time she didn't question your actions, she understood you. But maybe, she didn't understand you well enough; maybe she understood you too much and that got her. Maybe she knew you better than you knew yourself. Maybe her love for you put you back in this world the way you're supposed to be. Maybe Katie is your saving grace."

"... I don't know about that," I said, putting the dish rag on the faucet and wiping my hands on my pants in typical man style. "I don't feel for Katie what I felt for Britney ... or Alisan. I know that she's a good woman, but sometimes, I can't help but wonder what Alisan is doing, how she is doing ... I miss her. It hurts."

"I know it hurts," she said sympathetically. "Love isn't meant to be all rainbows and butterflies ... it sometimes hurts and it takes a lot of compromise ..."

"Stop quoting songs," I chuckled, she swatting me playfully. "It is true, though. I guess it'll just take a longer amount of time than I imagined."

"All bad things move on. This too, shall pass." She smiled, reaching into the water and unplugging the drain. "Justin, life isn't always fair. For the most part, it doesn't make any sense, but that doesn't give you an excuse to give up on love and life. You'll understand a lot more if you don't question things. Sitting around isn't going to get you anywhere, either. Especially in the love department."

"I know," I said, leaning forward and kissing her forehead. "Thanks."

She gave me a weak smile, nodding. "I try."

Giving her a matching weak smile, I drummed against the counter and pushed myself away. "I think I'm gonna go take a walk. Haven't been able to do that in a while."

"All right," she said softly, watching me walk away and calling out as I reached the door, "be careful!"

"I will," I said softly, probably too soft for her to even hear. I left my cell phone behind, not wanting to be bothered as I shoved my hands in my pockets, walking around aimlessly. Things hadn't changed since I last came. The town my parents lived in was still quiet and calm, cornerstores just down the road for easy access, a few streetlights out on the next road I mosied down, a slight smile forming on my face as I remembered years ago running back and forth with Trace ... back when things were easy and we didn't have a thing to worry about.

It was probably a lie about Katie and I. We weren't together, together. This, was a definite truce. We were more like ... bed buddies. She was too busy with school (she was taking more courses to further her career) and I was just too busy with myself to pay any attention to her other than when we were sleeping together. That makes it (and me) sound horrible, but it was something we both agreed on. There had been a few times where Alisan somehow floated into my mind in the midst of our trysts in the bed, and I had to catch myself before calling out her name (in wanting? Ecstasy?) mid-climax. That ... that was horrible.

I was hung up on someone who wasn't even aware of my existance anymore.

Attempting to my head completely, singing silently to myself as I looked at house after house. A few looked the same as before, while a lot more looked completely different, or weren't even there anymore. This town had changed, yet hadn't. Trace's house was coming up on the next block, no longer his home, but another couple with two young children. Changing my mind, I turned towards the main road, walking towards the local supermarket. I had some cash on me, and suddenly, I was craving tortilla chips and dip like no other.

The temperature of my body from outside changed drastically as the automatic doors whooshed open, greeting my face with almost icy cool air, the warm, humid air that had been resting all over my body now scared (sounds cheesy, right? But that's how it felt) away from the dramatic change, bringing goosebumps all along my arms and legs. I grabbed a basket, a smirk forming on my face as I heard 'Like I Love You' on the radio speakers, heading directly towards the chip aisle in search of my chips. Oh, this was definitely going to settle that craving quickly. My mouth was watering just at the thought.

"Medium or Hot?" I asked myself, staring at the jars in contemplation. After great debate (hey, a decision is a decision!), I chose medium, not wanting to feel the burning sensation in my chest or any other area. I grabbed two bags of chips (and another jar of salsa, just in case), not exactly wanting to check out just yet as I walked in a somewhat zig-zag pattern, staring blankly at other items in disinterest. Suddenly, I was craving chocolate milk. Oh, chocolate milk. That'd be a mix with salsa and chips.

Shrugging, I headed toward the dairy aisle and smirking once more when I heard the beginning of 'Nothin' Else' start. They must have had my cd on shuffle or something.

I was just walking that day aimlessly

As I stared at the milk products, in search of the particular milk I used to drink as a kid, I felt a force hit me from the front, stumbling backward and watching the woman in front of me stumble forward, grabbing onto her arm and steadying us both before we both fell on our asses and lost everything in our hands.

You picked a perfect day to bump into me

"I'm so sorry," I started, looking apologetically at her as she turned to return the saying. Freezing, I looked back at the familiar eyes that suddenly became strange to me, her face paling. "Alisan ..."

Probably should have watched the stars in the sky the night before
But for some reason, we still met at your store

"Sorry," she mumbled, she bending forward and scrambling for the things that had fallen from her hands. I knelt down, picking up the few apples that had started to roll away, holding them in my hands as she reached forward, not meeting my eyes and tossing them back in her basket. "Thanks. Bye."

I licked my lips, speechless. I had planned what I would say to her if I ever came in contact with her again, but now, those words were lost in the back of my throat, my tongue feeling as if it had swelled to three times bigger than it's normal size. All right, that went well.

There's nothing else that I have seen
There's no getting around it or inbetween
You're out of this world, except you're not green
Look, you don't know what you mean to me ...

I grabbed my milk, not caring now what kind of brand and walking slowly behind her. Suddenly, I wasn't craving my chips, dip or milk. I'd buy them though. Perhaps my appetite would come back after being away from her. Perhaps Jonathan and Stephen will start eating them and I'll smell the scent and crave them again.

Highly doubted, Justin. Good try, though.

Mentally, I slapped myself, shaking my head in distaste as I studied her figure from behind. She had lost weight. Not drastically, but she didn't have the hips she used to. She was now crutch-free (obviously) and lacking both casts, though it seems as if she had a slight limp still ... maybe from rehabilitation? This, I wasn't sure about. Or maybe it was from her falling again, because I knew how much of a graceful person she was outside of dance.

Maybe she picked up dancing again. Maybe that was how she lost some of her weight.

But then I thought about it and saw how dark her eyes were, how much baggage was under her eyes. Surely, she wasn't reeling from a few months ago. I really wasn't (okay, slight lie), so she definitely shouldn't be.

I met her gaze again across the conveyor belt from one check-out line over, the same look she gave me when she left now flashing through them again.

Swallowing my pride, I grabbed my bag after handing the change to the cashier, walking boldly up to her as she diverted her eyes elsewhere, walking quickly away from me and out of the store. "Alisan, stop!" I called, gripping my bag and jogging after her. Surprisingly, her pace had slowed to almost snail's pace, she looking at me out of her peripheral vision and still walking. "You gonna tell me what you meant then? Elaborate? Because I still don't understand. You left me hanging ..."

"Justin," she said softly, her voice low and sad, "It's just something I understand in my own head. Maybe one day I'll be able to get it out so you understand, but right now, I can't even explain it to my own sister."

"Maybe because it doesn't make sense," I frowned, she turning to look at me. "San, you look like shit."

Rolling her eyes and giving me a smirk, she pushed me gently with her hand. "Thanks."

"No, I'm serious."

"I know," she replied, not elaborating any further on the reason why. "How are things between you and Katie?"

"San -"

"Can we just not talk about my looking like shit?" She asked, turning to look at me as I felt the lump form in my throat and my heart speed up a little just at the sight of her. "Life hasn't been too great to me lately."

"Why are you here?" I asked, watching as her features softened a little, she shrugging. "My boy - Lucas lives around here. He grew up a few blocks down."

"Lucas ..."

"Knight. He's around your age. He's a few years older."

And then it clicked. Lucas Knight was one of the biggest culprits of my adolescent bullying. I hated him more already. "Oh. Yeah, doesn't ring a bell," I shrugged.

"Why are you here?"

"I grew up on Taylor," I said, pointing behind us. "My dad and step-mom live in the house I grew up in with my brothers."

She nodded, it not clicking in her head that that was where Lucas lived. At least, his parents still resided. "You look good, J. Happy."

"I am," I nodded, she smiling in appreciation. "I mean, there are days when I feel like complete shit, but everyone has those days."

She gave me the same smile I had fallen for, heart racing once more. God, why did she have to be who she was?

You're still captivating even though it's been so long
You used to love me, baby
What went wrong?
'Cause now you march to the beat of a different song

Just as quickly as the smile appeared, it was gone. Something was very wrong about her. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. "San?"

"Walk me back?" She asked softly, eyes pleading with mine. I saw the longing and sadness in her eyes, it took a lot for me to even open my mouth and answer. "Please?"

"Of course," I said softly, falling into step with her as she started to walk away, again hitting myself mentally. WHy was I putting myself through this again? What was it about her? What was going on with her, more importantly. "San?"

"Hmm?" She asked softly, eyes still looking ahead almost blankly. She seemed vacant. I knew it wasn't about me, not everything was about me. This, this seemed much different. This sadness in her eyes was more in depth, something more complicated than she and I ever was. "What, J?"

"I missed you," I said softly, watching the little light of relief flash on her face before it died off once more. "A lot."

Try to understand that we needed space
But everywhere I turn, I see your face
I've been waiting for you to come home
'Cause I don't want to be alone
... I still love you

She turned her head to look at me, a soft voice reiterating what I had just said. "My house has been empty without you there."

"Then ... we need to make a change on this," I said, looking down at her hand, it clenched tightly. Pulling my hand out of my pocket, I dropped it down to hers and gripped her fist in a comforting way. She looked down at my gesture, another sad sigh escaping her throat as she let her hand fall open, allowing me to hold it. "We were best friends, we don't need to let something that came between come between us again. I miss being with you and being able to talk to you when I want ... we need to call this a truce or something mutual for now."

She nodded, still not saying a word. Where was my talkative friend that usually took my ear off with her conversation? This was not who I was used to. "Okay," she said, again, end of sentence. No arguments, no explanations, nothing. I didn't like this at all.

I can't escape the magic in your eyes
Is there a way to make you realize
There's no one more special to my heart
But you want us to be apart
... I still love you

Why did you take away your love, baby
When did you think to just give up, yeah
How am I supposed to carry on now
Without you ...

Before too long, I was standing on the front porch of whatever he was to her's porch, looking at her. "Alisan, what's going on with you?" I asked softly, feeling her release my hand and shove her hand into her mouth, biting her nails as she shrugged. "San, c'mon. This is me, here. Something happen at home? Are you sick? Depressed? What?"

I heard movement from inside the house, she dropping her hand and shrugging. "I'm fine."

"Alisan -"

"Justin, look," she shoved her hands into her pockets, pulling them out just as quickly and taking my hand, pressing a piece of paper into my palm. "I can't talk about this now. Just ... call me ... text me or something. Later though ... not now. I'll be meeting up with Lucas' friends and having dinner, and then he'll be going out with them. Text me then. 9:30 or so."

"Alisan -"

"Later," she hissed, door opening as she turned and forced one of the most fake smiles on her face that I had ever seen. "Thank you for walking me home, Justin." She said almost in normal Alisan tone. "It was nice to meet you."

You are my light.

I swallowed, her demeanor taking a complete 360-degree turn-around. "Um ... it was n-nice to meet you, too ...?" I nodded at Lucas, still hating on him from childhood. When I got further down the street, I opened my palm up, staring at the paper. My hands began to tremble when I read what was written on there.

No one else comes close to you.

Immediately, my mind flashed back to the time we kissed during this song, when I felt her longing and her need just melting away. It clicked instantly. I knew she was in trouble.

Alisan needed me.

*Alisan*

"How'd you know him?"

I looked over at Lucas, he standing in the living room, staring out the window probably watching Justin leave. "Who?"

"Don't play dumb," he snapped, looking over at me. "Did he try to pick you up? Is that what that cocksucker did? He tried to play you, didn't he?!"

"Luke," I shook my head, setting the bag of fruit that I had wanted down by the stairs and walking over to him, "he lives down the road, so he walked me home. He was in the store, too."

"I don't want you even acknowledging his presence," he stated, eyes burning into mine. "He's bad news."

Rolling my eyes, I held my hand up in dismissal of the subject and turned away, yelping out loud when I felt his vise-like grip on my arm. "Lucas, Jesus, let me go, that hurts."

"Listen to me when I'm talking to you!" He snapped once more at me as he had done earlier, thus why I made an excuse to go to the store and away from him. "I don't think I want you coming with me to dinner with my friends, you may just embarass me with your stupid ass antics."

"Fine," I mumbled, yanking my arm free and bending down to pick up the bag. "Go do whatever you want, Lucas. I came here to meet your family but obviously, that's as far as my visit down here has come." He started on me again, but I walked away towards the kitchen, opening up the bag and throwing the apples and strawberries into the fruit drawer. I heard the front door slamming, walking slowly towards the living room and peeking around the curtain, not wanting to have him see me watching him go.

He peeled out of the driveway and down the road like a bat out of hell. I can't say that I wasn't happy he left, because I was. We had only been together for maybe a span of two months. Gabby had set us up, and for a while, it seemed promising. He was sweet and kind, and definitely good looking. I saw all the good in him until JC pointed out to me on one random day that he somewhat reminded him of Justin. Since then, I could only find flaws, but in fear of loneliness yet again. I kept pushing them to the back of my head. It was about three weeks ago when he started becoming defensive and very argumentative, picking fights about almost everything, down to the color shoes I wore. He liked to yell. A lot. He has never hit me, so I can't complain about that. I don't think I'd be strong enough to leave him even if he did.

It was around that time that I began thinking about Justin again and how I shouldn't have said what I said. I had wanted to be with him, but I was afraid of committing to him. What if it ended and we never spoke again? I couldn't not have him in my life. Though, either way, my stubborn mind had believed that either way, he'd not be in my life and my leaving would be the less painful of the two. But, as usual, I was wrong. I was in a depressed funk for a few weeks, up until Gabby got sick of it and finally set me up with Lucas. I was still casted on my elbow, my leg cast removed only two weeks prior. He breezed into Gabby's house just like Justin had in my own, and that's when I should have known I was asking for trouble.

My phone dinged from my purse across the room, literally tripping over my own feet as I scrambled for it. Part of me was afraid that Lucas would somehow hear it, turn around and find out who was texting me, his jealousy settling in and he'd go after Justin just as he almost did with JC.

Another thing about Lucas? I'm not allowed to have male friends. Somehow, he thinks that I have hooked up with each and every one of them ... JC included. I haven't had contact with him for six weeks, having to ignore his calls and text messages just because of the idiot I was afraid to leave.

Flipping open my phone slowly, the screen alerted me that I now had a text message from Justin. He must have seen him leave.

Sighing deeply, I responded.

I closed my phone, jogging up the stairs quickly in search of a zip-up sweatshirt and a clip for my hair. Moments later, I was outside, walking towards the direction I knew Justin had headed, seeing his form closing the distance between us slowly. "Wanna walk?"

I thought I knew what love was
'Til I laid eyes on you
I thought I had it all figured out
But you turned my head around

He extended his elbow for me to slide my hand through, waiting as I did so. In comfort, I moved myself closer, leaning my head against his bicep. "You gonna tell me what's going on?"

"I'm not happy," I said simply, eyes set in front of us. "I haven't been in a while."

"I can tell this," he agreed. "You've lost weight, you look tired, and you're not as talkative as you used to be. Is he doing something? Has he hit you?"

"What? No," I said, shaking my head. "Sometimes, I wish he would. Maybe it would give me an excuse to leave. But then again, I'm too afraid of what the outcome would be to leave."

"How long have you felt like that?" He asked softly, leading me down some path behind his house into a small wooded area. It looked scary, but with him, I didn't feel afraid. I felt at ease with him, protected. I hadn't felt that way in a long time. "How long have you been unhappy?"

I let us walk in silence for a while, he not pressing the question and waiting for me to answer on my own. Soon, we were sitting on a fallen tree, his arm now around me as I rested my head on his shoulder. Finally, I cleared my throat, feeling his grip on me tighten. "I've been unhappy since the day I left your house," I said, frowning and feeling his body tense up at the subject now brought up. "To be honest, I hadn't felt the way I felt about love until you kissed me. Frankly, it scared the shit out of me. I never felt that way before, I didn't think I could handle it and I just freaked. I began making up excuses in my head as to why it could be that way, why I felt the way I did ... but I couldn't think of one, except that it was love ... that I did love you. That, that scared me even more. You were my best friend for so long and to suddenly feel for you what I have been wanting for so long, knowing that you returned those feelings ... it was euphoric and completely crazy to me. So I knew I had to leave. I had to clear my head, let you figure out what you wanted ... If I was what you really wanted. I figured, if you wanted me, you'd come after me. After weeks of not even hearing from you, I felt like you had given up. The moment I got into that car and we left, I felt that. I felt that weight just pile on my shoulders at both of us giving up something that could have been something special. I tried to move on, but it was Gabby who pushed me to. I wasn't ready, so I just getting further into my funk ..."

"Alisan," he said softly, pulling his arm from around me and sliding his hand down my leg to my hand, clenching it tightly. "I would have waited forever for you. All I wanted to do was to make you happy."

And I
I am dizzy
And I am angry, baby
How the hell did you did this to me?
I used to be strong
Thought I could do it on my own

"I know," I whispered. "I wish I could take it back. It just ... I was so ready to be on my own and then you came along ..."

"I loved you."

But I'm so tired of this heartache
I'm just wondering how
Much longer will it take
All I want is your love

"You know I loved you."

I looked over at him, his face full of emotion as he brought his eyes to mine, still gripping my hand. "I know. I loved you, too."

"And you had to run away."

"Yes."

"I would have chased after you forever if I could."

Frowning, I leaned my forehead against his, feeling my own tears fall down my face, his own falling down and onto our hands. "But it's too late for that," I said softly. "We're both with people, and -"

"That doesn't matter."

He remained eerily calm as he made his comments to each remark I said, my heart pounding in my chest as I felt his skin against mine, hand now caressing my cheek. "It does matter. We've both moved on ..."

"I wouldn't have moved on if someone put a gun to my head," he said softly, shaking his head and bringing my head along with the shaking. "You obviously haven't."

Oh and I
I am dizzy
And I am angry, baby
How the hell did you do this to me?
I used to be strong
Thought I could do it on my own

"No," I said, swallowing the lump in my throat as he pulled his head away from mine, just staring at me. "I haven't moved on."

"Then, maybe we're not supposed to move on," he said, eyes going from eyes to our hands. "Maybe we're meant to be together and some force is proving that to us ..."

"That could very well be it," I said sadly. "But obviously, it's got the worst timing in the world and I -"

His mouth met mine, silencing my excuses and awakening the senses I thought I had lost a long time ago.

But I'm so tired of this heartache
I'm just wondering how
Much longer will it take
All I want is your love

His hands held me at my waist, clinging to the fabric of my shirt as if his life depended on it, my hands cradling his cheeks. His tongue slowly entered my mouth, massaging mine as I felt his body move closer to mine, now chest against chest. Slowly, his hands dragged up my body, gripping my shoulders from behind and pushing me as close as he could get me, afraid I'd run away. I tasted his tears on my lips, opening my eyes and seeing the pained expression only seconds before he pulled away from me. "Justin -"

"I can't ... I have to go." He got up, wiping at his mouth as I heard an angry sob escape his mouth, summoning the tears out of my own eyes as I watched his walk, no run, quickly away from me. For the first time, he was the one running.

Oh, you know you're gonna have to follow through
You're gonna have to follow through

You see I
I'm so tired of this heartache
I'm just wondering how much longer will it take
All I want is your love

And I
I am dizzy
And I am angry, baby
How the hell did you do this to me?
I used to be strong
Thought I could do it on my own

But all I want is your love ...

*Justin*

I am ridiculous. Completely and utterly ridiculous. I felt like I had my mother's voice nagging me over and over in my head, saying, 'You know what they say, Justin: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me'. What do they say when it goes on for a third time? Shame on both parties?

Oh, the tangled web I weave.

It was at this moment that I didn't feel at home. At all. In the midst of growing overly emotional and attempting to keep the tears at bay with my palms, head hung low, the comforts of home seemed to have lifted away from me and drifted to the one person, the one place I ran from. Her face graced the movie screen in the back of my eyelids, her smiling face looking at me with such intensity. I felt her mouth against mine still, tasted her cherry or strawberry lipgloss again.

(Cherry, it had to be cherry).

I brought my tongue out, slowly licking away the remnants of the sweet lipgloss that was riddling my memory like an old photograph. I thought back to the airport, the way she threw her arms around my neck, the way she felt against me, how she smelled of a mixture of me and her sweet perfume that she always wore. I remember how quickly the kiss had ended, but how long the next one that occurred lasted when she saw me again. I saw her eyes light up again, saw that smile cross her face and felt the force she had when she literally jumped at me when I was close enough for her to do so.

She had denied it for so long, but as I thought back to it, I could see as plain as day how she felt for me.

And now, here we are, almost strangers again. Strangers that are in love. Instead of her pushing me away, I was the one that turned and literally ran away from it. I saw her face when I pulled away, it making me press my palms even harder into my eyes, seeing stars with the pressure as I tried to rid that confused and startled looking face out of my mind. The one woman I had wanted for so long had surrendered to me and I had run away from her and everything that dealt with us.

I feel like I'm not Alisan and she's me. In a sick, fucked up way, it seems the tables have turned and I'm not afraid that she'll hurt me and I refuse to even let her do that to me anymore than she already has, even if she didn't realize or didn't mean to.

Maybe I'm just meant to be a serial dater. Maybe I'm supposed to have a life full of relationships that are much like the one I have with Katie now. Maybe I'm supposed to be like this. Or maybe I change with every person I fall for (or sleep with). Like with Britney, I wanted to be with her forever. Jenna, it was casual and I was content with that. Cameron, I was all ready to be just be with her, regardless of wedding bells and engagement rings. And for the brief few months I was with Scarlett, I was happy with off and on. And with Katie, sleeping with her was good enough. With Alisan, if we had ever happened, I would be all ready for marriage.

The thought scares me now. I don't think I'm cut out for marriage. I'm not ready for a relationship like that. Maybe I won't ever be ready for a relationship like that. She was too passionate, too emotional, too forgiving. It had to be all or nothing, and sometimes, a little bit of in-between was best. She never settled for that. She never took 'maybe' as an answer, and never let someone give up.

Sometimes, giving up seemed to be best. Like giving up on her.

But did I really want to? Did I really want to give up the passion, the emotional rollercoaster ride that made me feel like a child again? The one woman who made me smile the cheshire cat? Did I want to lose that feeling I had every time I felt her touch me? Or when I kissed her, the lingering taste of her ... did I want that to go away? Did I seriously want to give up something I had been fighting for for so long? Just like that?

Maybe I did.

And, unlike Alisan, I was okay with that answer.

Sighing deeply, I pulled off my shirt and pants, crawling into my bed and pulling the covers over my head as I lay on my stomach. Tomorrow I'd leave for Millington to be with mama and Paul, and then three days later, back in L.A. to get my stuff, a day later, I'd be in the U.K. busting my ass and hopefully not even thinking of what had happened tonight or any other time before this.

I really didn't know who I was fooling ... I don't even think I was fooling myself at that moment. I would never just let her go that easily. I'd fight like hell for her.

I'll be there for you
When everybody's coming unglued
I'll be there for you
I won't say you have to choose

... It was just a matter of deciding just how much.

'Cause I don't wanna let you go
And I don't wanna lose you slowly
I just want to let you know
That it's only just a little back and forth lately

I woke up the next morning with a killer headache and the nagging feeling that I needed to run. So, pulling on a pair of jogging shorts and a beater, I did. I don't think my feet had hit pavement so hard before in my entire career of dancing and cardio training. The pain in my feet was keeping my attention at that, instead of traveling to the one place I didn't want it to go. But as soon as I stopped to take a breather, she entered it like a haunting.

I'll be chasing you the rest of my life
Welcome to the rollercoaster ride

When I come to you
I know that you'll help me get through
I'll be there for you
We both know we could never choose

'Cause I don't wanna let you go
And I don't wanna lose you slowly
I just want to let you know
That it's only just a little back and forth lately

I couldn't help it. I had to see her. Regardless of whose home she was at, I needed to go there, to see for myself why I had run. I needed a more concrete reason. Had I run because I didn't feel for her the way I used to? Highly doubted. I was pretty sure it was getting stronger each day. Had I run because I was now on her side? Probably. In fact, I'd probably bet a lot of it on her running was rubbing off on me.

I ran harder than I had before, not even caring about the aching pain in my feet and up to my shins anymore. Lucas' house was closing in and all I could think about was slamming that door open and grabbing her, shaking her, demanding explanations.

As I came up the walk, the door swung open, Alisan's wide-eyed face looking at me. "Justin, you can't be here," she hissed, grabbing my arm and pulling me back down the drive and out of view of the house. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"You," I said, trying to catch my breath, "owe me an explanation."

"Me?!" She asked, bewildered. "You were the one that ran!"

"I know," I huffed. "You owe me an explanation as to why you ran all those times before."

"Justin, you already know. I've told you a thousand times -"

"Right," I said, finally able to breath normally. "Now tell me the real reason."

"I don't deserve you."

I opened my mouth to speak, cut off by another. "What the hell is going on here?"

Her face paled, and by instinct, I stepped in front of her as if to protect her by the quickly approaching Lucas. "Luke, he just came to talk to me for a few minutes -"

"Bull," he snapped, jabbing his finger into my chest. Was he kidding?! "What the fuck are you doing here, man? L.A. to cool for you?"

"I grew up here," I said, trying to keep my calm tone. "Or is your skull to thick to remember? I'm surprised you can sell houses with that thick skull putting so much pressure on your brain like that."

"Fuck you."

"No, no, after you," I said, giving him a smirk as I felt Alisan's grip on my shirt tighten, attempting to pull me away from him. "San, stop," I said, wiggling myself away from her. "Gotta treat a woman horribly to make your brainless self look better, huh? Can't just own up to your moronic self?"

"Had to run away from L.A. because a woman wouldn't give you the time of day," he said through a smirk that I wanted nothing more than to wipe off. "Look who got her, too. Damn, a shame."

"Too bad I was the one kissing her last night while you were fucking around," I snapped, eyes widening when I realized it had come out, Alisan gasping from behind me as Lucas caught her face. Before I knew it, his fist was in the side of my head, knocking me to the ground as Alisan cried out in shock.

"Let's go, Alisan," he snapped, reaching for her arm and yanking her towards him, she screaming at him as she turned to me. I held the side of my head, dizzy and somewhat nauseous. Was there suddenly two of them, or was there now two of me?

"Let me go! You hurt him!" She snapped, yanking her arm hard as I saw the two of her walk towards me, a sad and concerned look on ... their faces. "J," she said softly, cradling my head as she examined my temple. "C'mon. Can you get up?"

"Fine, you little whore," he snapped. "You can get your shit and get out. See who you go home with tomorrow."

"Shut up, Lucas," she turned to him, screaming. "You didn't need to hit him!"

"And you didn't need to kiss him!"

Yeah, he had a point there.

"Get up," she said softly, putting an arm around my back as she took her free hand and took my arm to rest across her shoulders. "Let's get you home."

Home never sounded so good to me before.

*Alisan*

"Now, just hold still," I snapped, gripping his chin and tilting it to the side as I placed a cool cloth against the bump to his temple. "Justin!"

"Ow, Alisan, Jesus," he hissed, gripping my wrist and trying to losen my own grip. "Not so rough!"

"Oh, right, not rough," I snapped, releasing his chin and gripping the top of his head near the bump as he yelped. "Why the hell did you go and start something with him, huh? Why did you have to bring up what happened last night?!"

"Uh, I beg to differ," he said, raising his finger to make a point, "he started with me."

"Whatever," I mumbled, pressing down on the lump. Okay, so maybe I was a little pissed. He cried out in protest at the pain I had just given him, biting my lip and holding back an insult towards his childish behavior. "You didn't need to get involved, I could have fought my own battle -"

"What? And let him get that hit in I saw itching in his fist? Hell no," he mumbled, shaking his head and holding the other side of it as I imagined the headache he probably had. "I had to step in."

"Oh, that's right," I said, rolling my eyes. "Justin, super hero. Justin Almighty. Justin just has to get involved in everybody's business because he can and feels as if everything should revolve around him. The world doesn't revolve around you, Justin. My world doesn't revolve around you -" I cried out, feeling him get up and grab my shoulders, slamming me up against the wall and staring at me in almost a satanic glare. "Justin, get off of me -"

"Let's get a couple things straight," he said lowly, eyes burning in mine as his grip against my shoulders held tightly, "I care about others more than I care about myself. If I see someone in danger or I sense something about to happen, I'm gonna get in between that problem and the person I care about to make sure they're out of harms way. In no way do I think I am owed anything in this life and nor do I care to get all the materialistic things that every other musician asks for. My world revolves around my family, my health, my friends and you. I don't care what happened last night, I don't even care that it was me who walked away; I care about you and walking away from you last night was the last thing I wanted to do - but I did, okay? I did because it was the right thing to do at the moment. I may hate myself for doing it, but I did. I'm not that kind of guy, and I will not turn into that guy, even if it's with the woman I love who is with the one guy I hate. I refuse to be that person and I refuse to be put down by that one woman because of the haste she is holding against me. Fuck that." He released me, ripping the cloth out of my hands, chest heaving. "Now get out. I have to leave in two hours and I have yet to finish packing and say goodbye to my family. I've got a life I can't put on hold because of some childish game you're trying to play."

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding, my hands gripping one another as I walked slowly out of the house. My mind wasn't on the person I had to face when I got to the other home to gather my things ... oh no, it was reeling over Justin's sudden outburst, his sudden physical outburst, and if we were on the same flight together. I had a feeling we were, Lucas wanting to get home quicker than I imagined after not seeing his family in so long (and we only saw them twice in the days that we had been here). I wasn't quite sure why the trip had come to be then, trying to think of cloudy excuses as I approached his parents' home, he standing on the front porch. When I met his eyes, I began to cry harder than I remember doing in ... well, ever.

"Here's the deal," he said softly, tone still hard as he stood with our luggage at his feet, "I changed it so we're not sitting together on the flight to give us some time alone. You need to think about a lot of things and I just need to be away from you right now." He picked up the baggage, throwing them in the trunk and getting in the car as I stood there, dumbfounded as tears still fell down my face. Suddenly, he was the caring boyfriend?

Suddenly, I feel as if I'm being played.

As said, Lucas was near the back of the plane as I sat near the middle, half-listening to the stewardess in front instruct us on the safety equipment and emergency exits (right, because when the plane goes down burning, I'm just gonna quicken my death by jumping out and making myself into a pancake), half-eyeing the woman who was walking down the aisle, holding a small red wrapped box. She stopped in front of me, extending her hand for me to take the box. "What ... is this?"

She shrugged slowly, giving me a weak smile. "The man at the gate told me to give this to you. Said he was sorry that he missed you?"

"Oh," I swallowed, thanking her shortly after. Pulling open the wrapping, I saw a cardboard box wrapped pretty tightly with scotch tape, his doodlings all over the front and sides of various shapes, the sad face in the center catching my attention as the woman beside me leaned in, her voice slightly startling me.

"He must care for you a lot if he's drawing little sad faces all over that," she said with a slight smile, tapping the cardboard. "Special occasion?"

"Well," I said, voice trailing off as I thought. "My birthday is in two days ..."

"Then I'm sure this is an early birthday gift," she smiled. "Sometimes men know what they are doing."

Laughing more to myself, I looked at her, curious. "You think?"

"Sometimes," she nodded. "My husband chased after me for years. Six, to be exact. I dated everyone around him, until finally, I gave in and went on a date with him at a local dance. We were married six months later."

"That's sweet," I smiled, looking down at the large engagement and wedding rings on her finger. "How long have you been together?"

"It will be ... 50 years this October."

"Congratulations," I smiled. "Where is the lucky man?"

"At home with my new granddaughter," she beamed, reaching in her purse and showing me a picture of the said baby. "I had to finish up some last minute business at my job before being able to fly out to see her. He went ahead to help my son and daughter-in-law since they both moved away from home to live in California."

Suddenly, a vibration caught my attention, startling me as I looked down at the box, pulling the tape away slowly (he always loved to annoy me with putting so much tape on the boxes since I didn't have any nails). When I opened up the box, a small Blackberry sat in the center of packing peanuts, the screen illuminating with alerts of new messages. "Well," I said softly, looking at the woman. "He bought me something I didn't want ..."

"But perhaps he knew you'd need it?" She asked, glancing over my arm and down into the box as I lifted it up. "Perhaps it was because he knew he wanted to keep contact with you and this was the only way?"

"Perhaps," I said, shrugging. "With him, who knows."

"I'll let you talk to him," she smiled, turning her head and leaning up against the back of the chair. "It was nice to talking to you," she added, turning to look at me again. "Just remember, sometimes men know more about what they're doing than women. They let their heart control them with a little help with their head. Women tend to let the heart do all the talking and keep the head shut up." She winked, turning her head once more and closing her eyes.

I guess we were done talking?

Turning back to the Blackberry (A red Pearl, according to the writing on the front), I lifted it up and held it in my hands, staring at the buttons in confusion. Basically, this was a miniature laptop or what? I hit a button, watching as the message appeared in front of me.

Sent: July 17, 2007 12:43 PM
From: J
Subject: None
_________________________________
So, I know I have a lot of explaining
to do. A lot. Probably first off,
apologizing for even laying a hand on
you in the first place. You know I'd
Never hurt you, San. I just ... There's
no excuse, but I guess I just thought
there was no other way to get your
attention? I'd never hurt you intention-
ally, I know you know that. I saw
the scared look in your eyes. I'm
sorry. I'm sorry a billion times.
You and I ... we need to discuss this
like the late-twenty-something adults
we are. We can't just keep dancing
around the entire subject let we tend
to do.
Justin

It took a minute, but after I realized how to close that text and move from the next, it seemed second nature. I was still confused as to his antics earlier that day, but I guess I'd have to find out later.

Sent: July 17, 2007 12:48 PM
From: J
Subject: Happy 26th Birthday :]
_________________________________
You know I'd never forget your day.
Even if we're not exactly on great
terms, I had to get you something.
And no, this isn't it. This, is just
something that will be a lot more
easier for us to communicate
rather than that piece of junk phone
you have and my lack of phone skills.
Your gift will be waiting for you at home.
Perhaps it's already there, but I have a
feeling it'll be there within the next few
days. I leave for the U.K. on Saturday -
the day after your birthday, so I hope you
like what I got you. San, I love you. I care
about you more than I do myself, more than
life itself. Some things you and I may do
and have done may be/were ridiculous,
but I know in the end, everything will work
out for the best. I know you love me, I know
just by looking at you and seeing that look in
your eyes. You're a special woman, San. Any
man would be lucky to have you. And that isn't
just to make you feel better. I love you, have a
safe trip ... and if you're on speaking terms with
me by the end of the flight, call me and tell me you
got home okay.
Justin
... Check your voicemail when you're alone. It'd be
best if ... he didn't hear it.

I sighed deeply, the woman next to me shifting slightly to look at me. "I wish I knew more than I did."

"About what?"

"Love," I sighed, touching the screen where his name was. "How the one thing I've wanted for so long can scare me so much and cause me to run. How, the one man that does love me will chase after me for so long when all I want to do is run."

"If love was easy, no one would want it," she smiled, patting my hand. "But if you want to be with him, stop running. Let him catch you."

"It's not that easy," I frowned, casting my eyes backward and seeing the top of Lucas' head as he looked down, perhaps sleeping. "We're both with someone."

"Love has no boundries," she insisted, shaking her head. "If it seems as if there are, you tear them down. There are no rules. Just don't run away this time. Let him finally catch you."

I scrolled up, looking at the three words that seemed so foreign to me, yet so comforting coming from him. I love you. Those three words, when used in different sentences, meant nothing as to what they meant at that moment. 'I' was just something that gave ownership to yourself, a noun at best. Love. Pfft. You could love anything in some sense: I loved my new Blackberry (it was red, my favorite color, I had to love it), my home, my car. I loved my life, my job. I also loved my family and my friends. Throw Justin into the mix and it's a different love. Sure, family and friends are a different love, too - the platonic, settled love. The love you can rely on and lean against when you need to. Justin, God, Justin's love was different. So different. And now that I think about it, I know I love him. I love the heat, the passion, the tension. The tension that could cut everything quickly and send him to me, or me to him. I loved the way his eyes danced when he was teasing me or laughing. I loved that he would sit up for hours and watching 'Dirty Dancing' and 'Fools Rush In' with me when I didn't feel well. I loved when I felt him hug me, the way he held me so tightly. I loved his mouth. God, his perfect pout. The soft curves of his lips that met mine time and time again and felt as if they belonged there. The same pout that sent shivers up and down my spine. And his laugh. The loud, almost annoying cackle that echoed anywhere and everywhere. He always laughed when he was with me, and it became something so heartening that everyone would soon laugh soon after.

I was beginning to think that my falling for JC may have been a ploy from my own mind. A sick and twisted ploy to keep Justin off of my mind in that way. They were best friends, and a part of me believed that if I showed interest to JC, I'd get to see Justin's jealousy act towards me this time, and not towards some undeserving girl. I knw I deserved something special. At that time, I thought it was JC. The man was more special than any woman could fathom, he probably one of the best men to ever get ... but he wasn't Justin.

To: J
Subject: Thank you.
__________________________________
I hope you realize just how much you
made my day, regardless of how
shitty it had been looking. I love you, J;
I know I said it, and I know you know I do.
I hate that things are so difficult between us
and I hate that you and I keep running
from each other. Maybe some day, right?
Maybe one day, I'll retire my running shoes
and maybe, hopefully, on that day, you will
be there to see that. I'm so confused ...
there are so many things going through
my mind right now that I feel like I should be
like Bruce in Bruce Almighty when all the
prayers start pouring in millions at a time
and he didn't know how to handle it.
Sometimes, I want to run away and leave
this place permanently; give myself
another shot back in GA ... but the only
shot at a life I really want is in LA ... with
you. Just ... give me time, okay? Don't
give up too easily on me. I do love you.
I care about you just as much as you
care about me. You are my happiness,
my heart. You are my heart. You and I,
we are one of kind. Give me time alone
to sort my brain out and we'll know just
what to do ... Good luck in the UK;
I'll see you in a few months.
San

I set it down in my lap, the box being shoved into my purse after I broke it down, it taking more room up than anything else in there. Luckily, most of my belongings that usually were in my purse were in my carry-on and brought a big enough purse. Soon enough, my phone vibrated again, alerting me that Justin had messaged me again.

"That was quick," I mumbled, hitting the button to view it and instantly feeling tears form in my eyes as I read what he had responded back with:

Sent: July 17, 2007 1:45 PM
From: J
Subject: RE: Thank you.
__________________________________
I've waited years to be with you, what
is a few more weeks, months?

I'd wait forever for you.

Justin

Now, the hard part was figuring out what to do with the rest of my messed up love life.

*Justin*

Unlike being just wet with water, sweat made you feel dirty, yet accomplished. At least, for me, it did. Usually, if Alisan was around and I was in the state I am in now, she'd be the first person to be covered in it after a body-breaking hug. But she's not around, so the only person I can go after is my personal assistant on tour, who was a whole lot of woman who could probably break me if she tried. I didn't feel like being in a body cast for months on end, so that idea was nixed and I took the towel she had handed me, patting off the sweat from my face as I headed towards my dressing room. "Thanks, Cleo," I called, closing the door behind me as I pulled my clothes off, the fans blowing the much needed cool air on my underwear-clad body.

Rubbing the gooebumps away as my body tried to keep my normal temperature, I heard the alert from the phone on the other side of the room. It was San. Though we still weren't on full speaking terms, it was hard to go a day without even a 'hi' or 'hope you're doing okay'. This was no different.

Sent: August 4, 2007 11:44 PM
From: San
Subject: First show!
__________________________________
Hope you had a good show ... good luck
with the next one! I'd say 'break a leg',
but we all know how miserable you'd be.
Miss you.

San

I chuckled, closing the text and grabbing my change of clothes and deodorant, applying it before pulling on the black beater and jeans. I jumped at the knock on my door, summoning them in and gasping when I saw Katie standing there. "Hey!" I greeted, walking over and placing a kiss on her lips. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I'd surprise you," she smiled. "Obviously, I've got another two weeks before school starts back up and I have to deal with the rugrats, so I thought I'd come deal with my own big rugrat."

I laughed, kissing her cheek. Though I knew it wasn't exactly the right thing to do, pulling her along when I had no intentions of staying with her if things with Alisan and I worked, she was my comfort zone. She made me happy and kept my mind off of San for the brief times we were together. "I'm glad you came. How long you staying?"

"A week?" She shrugged, giving me an unsure look. "I wasn't sure how long you'd let me tag along."

"As long as you want," I smiled, tossing my deodorant in my bag across the room from our spot near the door. "I've got a couple shows around this area, then we're going to Japan until mid-September for promotional shows and a full-out tour of a few cities and then Australia."

"So I'll be in Japan before I get to go back to work," she pouted. "I've always wanted to see Australia. Maybe another time." She shrugged, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and squeezing them. "I missed you."

"I've missed you, too," I replied. It wasn't a lie, I did miss her. Not as much as Alisan, obviously, but I did miss her. She was good to me (can't say that about Lucas). "We're only staying in Australia a few days. I'm pretty sure it's only in Melbourne and Sydney. More press there."

"I've always wanted to go to their beaches ... gorgeous," she smiled, voice trailing off as she got a dreamy look in her eyes. "My parents went there for their tenth anniversary. I didn't think they'd come back."

I laughed, wrapping an arm around her as I reached for my bag, leading her out of the room and towards the awaiting car that would take us to my hotel. "That's how I was in any area that had beaches. I love to surf, love to swim ... I'd stay there the entire time if I could. Hopefully, they'll let me do a little sightseeing on my own."

"Not with your status," she laughed. "Not gonna happen unless you want mobbed to death."

"Oh, yes, please," I fake pleaded. "That's just what I wanted!"

She laughed, waiting as the driver opened the door and let her in, me crawling in behind her as people screamed for my name. I waved and smiled before letting them shut the door, turning to look at Katie as she stared wide-eyed at the fans around the car. "Welcome to a day in the life of me," I chuckled, she shaking her head in awe. "What?"

"I could never do it," she said, eyes still wide. "All those people screaming my name, expecting so much out of me ... I don't know how you do it."

"Lots of training," I laughed. "And patience. And a hard shell." And a lot of support from friends and family, I mentally added. I seemed too soft when I admitted that. I didn't like showing that side. "And being able to turn to people who go through the same thing. That's why JC and I are so close ... when I'm on tour he usually comes to visit and it feels like old times, when it wasn't just me, but four other men who went through the same thing. I'd do the same thing if he toured again."

"Why isn't he?"

"I think his love is music, but not the way he's doing it," I said, shrugging. "JC always liked to be the one behind the scenes, mixing, writing, producing. He loves to sing, but he did it more for himself and supporting his family more than anything else. He never put himself first. For the first time in a long time, I think he's beginning to see that. The music industry is gonna miss something big if he finally decides to stop performing, though I know his heart will bring him back eventually."

"So he's your best friend?"

"Besides Trace, yeah, I guess. He's more like a brother and mentor than anything else. He puts me first when I've got a lot of stubborn things going on ..." Like now. With Alisan. God, I feel horrible.

I made a mental note to call him and invite him to a few shows when we got to the hotel. I had to make this up to him somehow.

*Alisan*

"You're totally thinking about him."

I looked over at Alyssa, we both vegged out in front of my television at home after a long and boring day at work. "I am not," I mumbled, turning my eyes back to the television. "I'm not thinking about him at all."

"Oh, okay," she laughed, rolling her eyes as she leaned forward and grabbed a handful of popcorn. "So watching Black Snake Moan for the upteenth time doesn't bring him to mind at all? Especially watching this scene in particular?"

I felt my face redden, Alyssa chuckling from beside me. "Shut up."

"God," she said under her breath, "he was good."

"I really didn't need to know that," I said, wanting to turn my eyes to her, but I couldn't break my set gaze at the scene in front of me. Justin played a man by the name of Ronnie, and in this scene, was having sex with a woman named Rae, who was being played by Christina Ricci. As awkward as it felt to watch my best friend play out sex with a woman on screen, I could only imagine if that was what he was like in real life. I know that the director had told him to incorporate some of his comforting moves, and I could only sit there, slightly squirming and very much into watching him, completely naked, grip Rae's face and thrust into her with all he had.

"God, you want him so bad."

"No," I said, not tearing my eyes away from him. "I don't." It wasn't like I was even watching her in this twosome. There may as well have been a black bar over her, because all I was watching was the lines and contours of his muscular back and body move in thrusting motions. I watched his mouth, parted and breathing heavily, near her head as his hand gripped her jaw as he assaulted her neck shortly after; saw the way his lips devoured hers, the way he pressed his body against hers in the same motion.

"You totally do," Alyssa laughed, reaching forward and stopping the movie. Of course, she had to stop it when he was moving upward mid-thrust, mouth barely above hers, body seen in shadows of the camera. "You're getting hot and bothered just watching him! You're face is so red!"

"Yeah, it's red because I'm watching my best friend get it on on television!"

"You wanna get it on with him."

"Argh, Alyssa," I mumbled, reaching behind me and grabbing the small pillow, whacking her upside the head with it while she fell in a fit of laughter. "I don't. I don't know what I want to do."

"I do," she smiling, nodding. "You ... want to ditch Lucas, hop on the next plane and go to wherever he is -"

"Japan," I said, she rolling her eyes. "What?!"

Ignoring my question, she continued, still shaking her head. "Hop on the next plane to Japan, track him down, rip his clothes off and ravage him like you've wanted for so long."

I looked away, shaking my head. "If only it were that easy," I mumbled, she crying out in disbelief. "What?!"

"See?! I told you that you wanted him!"

"Get over it, Lys," I sighed, reaching forward, hitting the 'play' button once more and gripping the hem of my tanktop as I watched him continue his sex scene. Okay, so what if I did want him in that way? And every other way imaginable? So what if I wanted to be with him now? So what if I wanted to do exactly what Alyssa said, and then some? I'm finally getting up to where he is and she's just making me want to deny it all in embarassment. "Can we not talk about how you think I want to ... ravage him?"

"Well, we can talk about how I know you do," she giggled from behind me, dodging yet another pillow as her phone began to ring from the other side of the room. "Oh, that might be Tyson!"

"Go talk to your loverboy, ravage him and think about your own sex life instead of my own," I laughed, she getting up and watching me as she walked away, sidestepping as she looked both ways. "What? What now, Lys? I hate when you have that look on your face."

"Have you and Lucas slept together?"

"I don't have to answer that -"

"Yes, yes you do."

I rolled my eyes, nodding. "We have."

"Recently?"

"We haven't slept together since ... before our trip to his parents' house."

"That is not a relationship anymore," she sighed deeply. "He still hasn't ... come around?"

"I don't even think what we have is a relationship anymore," I shrugged. "But I can't say that I'm not surprised. If the man you were dating found out that you had kissed another man, I think he'd be a little pissed, too -"

"Wait ... what? Who did you kiss?"

"It's not something that is hard to believe," I shrugged. "He is like any typical human ... it was cheating and it was wrong so he got really angry -"

"Who did you kiss?"

"Stormed off and we ended up flying in separate areas of the plane -"

"WHO did you kiss?!"

I broke her gaze, licking my lips and looking to the floor. "Justin."

"What?!" She lifted up the insistant ringing phone, silencing whomever was on the other line. "Gimme a minute." Putting her hand to the mouthpiece, she looked at me, bug-eyed. "We are not done with this conversation, Alisan."

"I figured." Turning back to the television, I was somewhat thankful that the sex scene was over. But as I heard Alyssa head up the stairs for privacy in her phone call, I couldn't help but hit the back button just to watch the simple act of passion once more.

God, I was sick.

Traveling through galaxies on telepathic roads
Seeing in the distance clouds of breath out in the cold
All of my desires waiting for someone to hold
So come to me, so come to me

My phone rang in the midst of Justin's cries of passion, startling me from my erotic vacation, my mental state the only thing getting anything out of it in a long time. Reaching for the phone and not even looking at the ID for knowledge of who it was, I put it to my ear, greeting them, not even turning down the sound.

Bad idea.

"Hello?"

"Well, if it isn't my long-lost San," Justin greeted, his cheerful voice ringing in my ear as my heart started to pound. Jesus, I was all horny for a man who was thousands of miles away and was watching him fuck a woman on television while he unknowingly talked to me?

Genius, Alisan; pure genius.

"Hey, J," I greeted, trying to sound casual. "How are 'ya?"

"... Good." He paused and I swear I heard him laughing slightly. "San?"

"What?"

"Are you watching porn?!"

Not exactly, but for me, it was enough to get me off. "What?! No. I'm watching some weird movie -"

"San, are you watching Black Snake Moan?"

What the hell. How the hell did he know? "... No?"

"You're totally watching it! You're watching me fuck her!"

"It just so happened to be the scene that started to play when you called," I argued, reaching forward and stopping it all together. "Alyssa and I were watching it. She picked it, I didn't. Right now, I don't need mental images of you having sex with someone -"

"Why, you want the real thing, baby?"

I swallowed the lump away from my throat, licking my dry lips at the husky tone he had brought on with that question. There was no denying that I did. "Well, I think Alyssa does again," I lied, hearing him chuckling slightly. "Don't get too egotistical; I don't think she's been laid in a few weeks is all."

"Poor Lys," he said, tsking. "And you? Has fuckwad been good to you?"

"I wouldn't know," I said, sighing deeply. "We haven't exactly been on speaking terms the last few weeks."

"Why?"

"He found out you bought me that Blackberry."

"He was mad about that and not your birthday gift?"

I looked down, toying with the cross necklace encrusted with diamonds, it modestly-sized and not-so-modestly priced. "I told him Gabrielle got it for me."

"San."

"I know," I mumbled. "I can't help it. I just ... I don't need any more on my shoulders than I have now."

"I'm sorry, San."

He may have said it, but I knew that he was happy that Lucas and I weren't on speaking terms as I had wished. At least, I thought I wished. "It's fine," I said, sighing again. "It gives me time alone and time to think for myself."

"Have you thought about ... you know?"

I got up, climbing the stairs towards my room and closing the door behind me, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. Inhaling, I could have sworn I smelled the faint scent of his cologne. "I have."

"And?"

I licked my lips again, closing my eyes. "I'm scared, Justin. I'm scared if I chose one thing, I'll lose you. If I chose the other, I'll lose what we have ..."

"San, you have to believe me. I'd never, ever leave your side, okay? No matter what, you're stuck with me. For life."

"As promising as that sounds," I joked, hearing him defend himself as I laughed slightly. "But seriously, Justin ... I am thinking about it. A lot. I just ... I'm still very much scared and lost ..."

"I'll be there to find you if you're lost. And then I'll wrap my arms around you, protect you from the evils that are scaring you ... I'll be the best I can be ..."

I bit my lip, closing my eyes and imagining him lying next to me. Why was he so good to me after all the hell I have put him through? Why had he not given up so long ago? Especially when he had a good woman (though I would never admit it to him) like Katie who never got angry at him for the feelings he had for her, yet the ones nagging him for me? "J,"

"What, San?" His voice was quiet, calm and everything I needed to hear at the moment.

"I miss you."

Lying here pretending that you're closer than you are
Swear I heard you whispering, 'would someone break my fall?'
Memories of kisses from the dreams until the dawn
So come to me, so come to me

"I miss you too, love," he said sadly. "Three more weeks and I'll be home. Can't believe it's already nearing October."

"I can't believe we've been carrying on like this for almost seven months."

"We're like little kids, you know that?"

"I do," I said, frowning. "Playing the stupid playground game of back and forth feelings when neither party knows what to do -"

"I know what I want to do," he said softly. "I'm just waiting on you, San."

"Don't put this all on me, Justin ..."

"I'm afraid it is all on you at this moment," he sighed. "San, you know where I stand. It's you who needs to make up her mind."

"I know."

"It sucked not being able to talk to you for so long. Felt like months had passed and I hadn't talked to you. Not seeing you is horrendous. Whoever decided that oceans should be between the continents and countries is ridiculous."

I laughed. "J, I think nature made it that way."

"Nature sucks."

Chuckling again, I looked up, seeing Alyssa standing at my door. "Hold on, J." I heard him mumble something in response, looking up at Alyssa. "What's up?"

"Tyson is being a bitch, so I'm gonna go down and visit him for a bit," she said, playing with her keys in her hand. "Is that Justin?"

Looking from side to side, I debated whether or not to tell her 'yes' or 'no'. Finally, I nodded, she beginning to make moaning and crying out as if she were in the act, dodging one of my pillows as she left the room, calling out that she'd call me later. God, why am I related to people like her?

"Sorry," I mumbled, hearing him laugh. "What?"

"It was her who wanted to watch the movie, huh?"

"Shut up."

"I knew you wanted my body -"

"Or that I liked the movie."

"That too." I turned on my side, staring at the vacant spot next to me. If I imagined hard enough, I could picture him lying there, facing me. I smelled him, I could probably see him if I thought hard enough.

The nights when you don't call, my life is a catastrophe
I need to feel you close to me
I'm waiting out the storm
'Cause when I'm all alone, I imagine lying face to face
Inhaling every breath you take
I'm waiting out the storm, I'm waiting out the storm

"San?"

"Yeah?"

"Just how much did you enjoy that movie?"

Even without him there, I felt the red creep on my cheeks and up to my ears. My silence must have answered him, because he was now laughing hysterically. "Justin," I whined, he still laughing. "It's not funny."

"Yes, it is," he laughed. "C'mon, San; you know if you had some sort of movie like that out, I'd be all about watching you. ... But just you, though."

At least we had the same intentions.

"There isn't anything good to watch about me."

"Ah, bullshit," he said, voice stern. "Alisan, you're beautiful and you've got this amazing body. I don't think you realize just how many times I've imagined you and I together, my hands going down your flesh, down to your legs and then back up again ... being able to touch any part of you that I wanted and watch your eyes cloud over -"

"You're drunk aren't you?"

"A little," he said, and I knew he shrugged with that answer. "But it's the truth. I've wanted to be with you that way for so long ... wanted to be able to feel your body against mine, feel your deep breathing against my chest as I enter you ... feel you touch me the way I've wanted ... feel that you want me just as much as I have needed you ... and not on the northern region, either," he said, and suddenly, his voice had taken on a low tone. "To hear you say my name in the middle of it all is enough right now to drive me over the edge ... "

Our conversation was not going where I think it is, is it?

"I want to feel your legs wrapped around my body as I thrust into you, feel your fingers rake down my back and grip onto me ... to watch you rock with me in the same motion."

Oh, it definitely was.

Conversation's hotter than a fireman engulfed
Sweeping through my body, causing temperatures to smoke
Every second passing makes it hard for me to cope
So come to me, so come to me

Oh, he was definitely making my mind up the more he talked. But he needed to stop. He was too far away, too out of reach ...

"How many times I lie awake in bed, imagining you there with me. How, when I'm alone I think about what you and I could be doing if you weren't so damn stubborn."

"Hey!"

"Sorry." He sighed. "God, I'm gonna regret this when I'm sober and hungover tomorrow ..."

"Don't," I said softly. "Don't regret this."

"Why not?"

"Because it's good to feel wanted."

"San, if only you realized just how bad I want you. Especially right now, when I'm sitting here, talking to you and everyone else is still at the bar, completely drunk ..."

"Where are you?"

"My hotel room, in bed."

Walking with my fingers and I'm creeping down real slow
Reaching for the places that no one could ever go
Pushing me to ecstacy, you touched my very soul
So come to me, so come to me

Thinking of you, what can I do?
I'm thinking of you ...

Oh, the nasty thoughts that were running through my head. They only became nastier when I heard a muffled moan. Was he doing what I think he was doing? "J?"

"Uh huh ..."

"Are you ... thinking about us right now?"

"... Yeah."

I bit my lip. God, this boy had a way with me. "I'll let you go, then."

"I'm drunk, San. This doesn't ... happen all the time."

Somehow, I didn't believe that.

'Cause when I'm all alone
I lie awake and masturbate
I love to hear the sounds you make
Baby, here I come
Baby, here I come

But I let him believe what he said for that moment. "I know. Call me tomorrow after the show, okay?"

"Okay," he said softly. "Bye San."

"Bye, J."

"Love you."

"I love you, too." I said softly, hitting the 'end' button on my phone and staring at my ceiling once more. Did I actually witness what I think I witnessed over the phone?

But somehow, this conversation had finally made my mind up. I wasn't quite sure how he'd take it.

Oh, oh
Waiting, waiting
I know, I know
You'll come to me
You'll come to me

*Justin*

"You never told me Australia was as beautiful as it is," Alisan's voice softly rang through my ears as I held my phone to my ear and juggled my bag and surfboard in my free arm and hand. "It's breathtaking."

"Yeah," I said, setting my things down and staring out into the crystal blue water. "It really is beautiful."

"Jervis Bay, right?"

"Yeah," I said, looking around. "Well, technically Hyamus Beach." The beach was somewhat deserted, it mid-week and mid-day, most people at work or school. Time to myself without a bodyguard. How I had talked myself away from that, is beyond me. Surprisingly, they were very much into the idea and before long, I had set out for my own private day alone. The tour was finally winding down, two shows left to do, three days left in Australia before I got to go home to the two women in my life.

That sounded horrible. But I knew, I had a gut feeling it'd be one soon. I wasn't quite sure who would be out of the equation though; I was too impatient.

"You should see the dolphins."

I looke dout into the water, seeing black specks appearing in the air and back into the water shortly after appearing. "I am," I smiled. "There's a few out there, now."

"There's a few here, too."

I imagined her sitting at her work desk, staring at pictures and feeling jealous. Of all the ocean-related things, she loved dolphins and the sand. The water, not so much. "It's paradise here."

"It really is."

I turned my head, watching a few people set up some ways down the beach. A brunette, body bronzed and barely covered in a white bikini caught my eye. She was standing there, head upward, back to me. The ruffled waistband gave the impression of a slighter bigger ass than she really had, but with the tan contrasting with the white, it was her long legs that caught my attention. That and the hip to waist ratio that made me glad I was wearing sunglasses since staring was impolite. "This sand is like, white," I said, shaking my head and looking down momentarily, trying to divert my attention, "nothing like that in the US." I looked back up, the woman now facing the ocean, hand on hip, other near her hair. She even had a beautiful side profile.

"I know." She was silent for a moment, me almost thinking we lost connection. She spoke again, startling me from my staring. "There's a man staring at me."

"Tell him to bugger off," I laughed, turning my head and sitting down on the sand, letting the sun beat down on my bare shoulders. I already saw hints of freckles on my sunkissed skin, suddenly wishing I lived here. "That should teach him."

"You've been in Europe for too long," she chuckled. "And he's not looking anymore. But I kind of wish he was, he was good looking."

I rolled my eyes, the coolness of the water running between my toes before returning back some ways. "I wish you were here." And it was the truth, not even the beautiful woman could keep my thoughts away from Alisan. "I wish you were here to see all of this with me and experience what I was."

"I am," she said softly, almost having to struggle to hear her. "I am here with you."

I was waiting for something cheesy to go along with that reply; something like, "I'm in your heart" or something, but it never came. "... What?"

"J," she laughed, and suddenly, that laugh seemed very close and very surround sound. "Look to your right."

I turned my head, meeting the gaze of the beautiful woman I had been staring at before. "San?"

"That guy is staring at me again," she laughed. Suddenly, I watched as the woman lowered her hand, holding a familiar red phone. I took in the wild and unkempt hair from the ocean air, the familiar face on the not-too-familiar body and gasped.

She walked up to me, hands on her hips as she stared down at my gaping form. "Well, aren't you going to say hi to the one person you haven't seen in months?!"

I got up quickly, brushing off my back and studied her, still silent. She had lost more weight. Though it looked good, I wasn't sure if I liked it. I liked her better as my San, not the world's San. She was still beautiful. "What are you doing here?" I asked finally, eyes drifting up and down her body still, caught on the length of her legs. When did she grow those? As I went up further, my eyes stopped on her breasts, eyes nearly popping out of my head. And those?!

"It's a wonder what push-up bikini's can really do," she chuckled, catching my gaze as I felt my face redden even more than it already was. "I missed you."

I stepped towards her, wrapping my arms around her and hugging her tightly. She gripped around my neck, the feeling as if she was going to never let go crossing my mind. I would definitely not care about that. "I missed you, too," I said softly, placing a kiss on her cheek. "What are you doing here?! How'd you get out of work?!"

She shrugged, raking a hand through her hair as she placed her sunglasses on the top of her head. I finally saw her eyes, the smile widening. It was definitely San. "I had a two one-week vacations that I needed to use up before the end of the year, so I thought, 'what the hell; why not go surprise Justin?' I missed you a lot so I thought it'd be worth the vacation."

"Definitely worth it," I agreed. "God, I can't believe you're here," I hugged her again, aware of her partially clothed body against my own partially clothed one. For some reason, it seemed very familiar, as if I had imagined this day in the midst of one of my ... sessions. "It's gonna be amazing with you here. I can now give someone my sweaty hugs again -"

"But I don't want them."

I justted out a lip, pushing my sunglasses away from my head so I could see her in true light. Damn, that sun was bright. She was hotter.

Totally cheesy thing to say, by the way.

Who am I to care? The woman I've wanted for so long is standing in front of me, barely clothed and looking as hot as ever. Give ten pounds and I'd be a little happier, though. "You've lost a lot of weight," I stated, giving myself the excuse to look back down to her flat stomach and barely there waist. At least she still had her hips. "What happened?"

She shrugged. I knew she wasn't happy with the dramatic weight loss, either. "Stress. Still have a lot on my mind."

"Oh," I said, looking away for the first time since she approached me. It saddened me to think that she was struggling with things and I was unable to help her. "You wanna go dancing tonight after the show? They've got this amazing club a few minutes away from the arena ..."

She looked at me and laughed. My hopeful look must have been entertaining, she reaching forward and brushing some sand off of my cheek as she nodded. "Sure. It sounds like fun."

"Good. You're coming to the show, right?"

"That's partially why I'm here," she chuckled, hand sliding down my face as I reached for it, entwining my fingers with hers. Fortunately, she didn't pull away. "That, and free concerts."

I laughed, sliding my sunglasses down on my head and pulling her in for another hug, she leaning into me a great deal, hands around my neck. "God, I've missed you ..."

"You've only said that to me a thousand times since you've been gone," she chuckled, mouth by my ear as I shivered. I hope she didn't notice that. "I've missed you, too. A lot."

"Well, let's stop wasting time and make up for lost time, huh?" I suggested, pulling away from her and nodding down at my board. "You always said you wanted to learn ..."

I was waiting for her to deny this and to back down from the offer, but surprisingly, she agreed, reaching down and grabbing the board. "As long as you won't let me drown."

"I'd never put you in danger's path," I said, leading her towards the water. "You've just gotta trust me and stay calm the entire time. Otherwise, the panic is gonna take over and you will probably swallow a whole bunch of water." I waded in, turning to watch her as she began to walk towards me. She had an unsure smile on her face, holding it bravely there as she neared me, we getting to the point where our feet weren't touching bottom. "You ready?"

Licking her lips, she turned to me and smiled widely. "I've never been more ready."

"Good," I smiled. Too bad that didn't answer everything else going on in my mind.

*Alisan*

The water was beautiful, though not always my favorite thing about the beach. The water, clear and almost warm enough to stay in for long periods of time was good enough of an excuse for me to stay as close to Justin as possible ... not that I was complaining.

"You've got goosebumps," he laughed, running his hands up and down my arms as I shrugged, he wrapping his arms around my waist as I wrapped my own around his neck. I leaned in, placing my face at the crook of his neck and smelling the faint scent of him: cologne, coffee and man, closing my eyes and just listening to the water crash against and around us. "Any closer to knowing what you want to do?" He asked softly, mouth near my ear as I opened my eyes once more, feeling his fingers faintly brush up and down my back, stopping every so often at my waist as he would steady the both of us in the water. "Because the way we were right now, the position we're in ... all I want to do is kiss you."

I was pretty much sure that he felt my stomach flip against his waist, tightening my grip against his neck as I tried to keep myself from trembling. Instead, I pulled away, studying him. My sunglasses gave his skin a darker tone than I knew he had, though the sun was working on getting him that dark, eyes a piercing blue from the clear blue around us contrasting against his slightly deeper blue. "Then kiss me," I said softly, his eyes widening slightly in surprise. "Help me make my mind up."

He released a hand from my waist, brushing a hand against my cheek before lifting my sunglasses away from my eyes, his burning into them. "Are you sure? I was ... somewhat kidding."

"I know you weren't kidding," I said, giving him a slight smile. "And yes. I need more reasons. Not excuses."

He licked his lips, hand caressing my face as I leaned into his touch, eyes dropping closed as I felt his mouth barely graze mine, both of our mouths cool from the water that had crashed over us during the surf boarding lessons (which failed miserably, though hilarious to attempt). After a few feather soft touches with his lips, he finally pressed his lips to mine, parting my mouth with his tongue and letting it slowly enter my mouth. I felt the butterflies immediately, but it seemed as if they had tripled by this simple movement.

Your body language says so much
Yeah, I feel it in the way you touch
'Til you say the words it's not enough
Come on and tell me you're in love

I felt his hand grip my face as I had remembered him doing so in the movie, heart pounding as the kiss turned more passionate, he deepening it as he released my face, pulling me by the waist and lifting me up against him so that my legs were behind him, he gripping my hips tightly. I could only hold his face as I put all trust in him to keep us steady in the water, the water from my hair dripping down and onto his face, mixing with our kisses and giving them a slightly salty taste.

Neither of us pulled away.

Don't
Don't let me be the last to know
Don't hold back
Just let it go
I need to hear you say
You need me all the way
Oh, if you love me so
Don't let me be the last to know

"Get a room!"

We pulled away from each other, both looking down the beach towards a large black man, Justin's bodyguard, standing there with his arms crossed and the only thing seen by the glare of the sun was his white teeth. Justin laughed, calling out to him, "What do you want, Lon?"

"Gotta get ready to go to the arena!"

"All right!" He turned to me, eyes questioning. "How did you know I was here?"

I laughed, pulling away from him and releasing my legs from his waist, literally floating away from his body as I tried to regain my step in the sand below our feet. "Well, I knew you'd be here for a show, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to find out where a celebrity is staying, and when I bumped into Lonnie at the hotel, he told me where to find you."

"I'm glad you did," he said softly, nuzzling his face into mine as he reached into the water, gripping my hand and leading me back to land. "I'm really glad you came."

"Me too," I said softly, lips still burning from his heated kisses, they swollen to the touch. He turned to look at me as I was touching my lips, the smile grazing his mouth heart-racing. "What?"

"Nothing," he said, voice matching my quiet one, "It's just that I like kissing you."

I laughed, squeezing his hand as we neared Lonnie. "Hello again, Lonnie," I greeted, he giving me a smile and a greeting as he rattled off something he had needed to tell Justin as I looked around, a black object little ways down the beach catching my eye. Squinting, I saw that it was a paparazzo, holding a large camera aimed our way. "You've got a visitor," I said softly, nudging Justin as he turned to look where I had been, he scoffing. It was then that I noticed there were quite a few there. "Nosy little people, aren't they?"

He nodded, pushing me ahead of him to shield me from the camera, grabbing our things and throwing a towel over both of our heads to block the money shots. "Don't be surprised to see what happened out there to be on the front page of OK! or omething soon," he said softly, gripping the back of my suit as I led the way, watching Lonnie's feet to know where I was going. "And story upon story about us. Especially who you are."

I sighed, shaking my head. "Oh, I can't wait."

As I crawled into the car, Justin behind me, I heard them calling his name, trying to get him to look over and let them get photos of him, he blocking his face as they shut the door. The tinted windows hid him well enough that he was able to put his hand down, looking over at me. "About back there ..."

"Justin, it's fine -"

"No, I meant on your half," he said, shaking his head. "You aren't gonna keep letting me do this and then just drop me, are you? Because if you are, tell me now so I know -"

"I would never lead you on," I said softly, watching the relief was over his face. "J, I love you. Lord knows I do ... I'm just ... still ..."

"Confused. Scared. All that, I know," he said, sighing deeply. "I just wish you'd make your mind up soon. I can't go on waiting forever."

"I know," I said softly. "By the end of the trip, you'll know."

"I just wish you'd say it now. I know you know what you want to do. It's almost as if you're afraid to let it be known."

I need to hear you say
You love me all the way
And I don't wanna wait another day

"I'm not afraid to let it be known. I'm just afraid of the consequences of either one."

He rolled his eyes, and I saw the irritation boiling in them. "This is really annoying the hell out of me," he mumbled, running a hand through the hair that I noticed seemed to be longer and now slightly wavy. I studied the side of him, sun-kissed freckles up and down his arms and back, some appearing on the bridge of his nose. "Stop making excuses. Don't let me be the idiot and the one to hold out on dying love if that's what this is."

I opened my mouth to speak, unsure of how to reply to that. Instead, his ears were greeted by silence and I could have sworn I saw the anger flash in his eyes, tears accompanying the look.

Great.

I wanna feel the way you feel

Soon. I had to tell him soon.

I just didn't know how.

*Justin*

Stalling. I know she was stalling. From what, I didn't know, but I was sure of this: if she was stalling to tell me she didn't want to be with me, it was because she didn't want to hurt me; if she was stalling to tell me that she did want to be with me, it was because she wasn't sure of how to take the life she was going to have with the life she was so sure she'd have if I hadn't come along. Change wasn't something she liked, and it was something that took a lot of time.

I told her I'd wait forever, I was intending on keeping that promise ... but I was impatient and I needed to know just how long forever was going to be. She knew how serious I was about her. In fact, it was so serious it could be an obsession of sorts. I thought about her constantly; there wasn't a time where I didn't think that I should be with her instead of at rehearsal or even now, overseas without her there to experience it with me. I thought of her daily, even hourly (more so, by the minute), wondering what she was doing, if she was okay, what she was thinking of. I was so sickly in love it was horrible and she was the only thing that could make me or break me at this point.

My mom always said that if something was meant to happen, regardless of when or where, or even at the worst time, it will. I could be on my death bed and she'd finally admit that she wanted to be with me and I would feel complete. I was that set on her.

Now, even though I still felt that way, I was getting sick of the little game I felt like she was playing. She may not realize she's doing it, but she's got my heart on a string and she's toying with the string, playing with fire. It wasn't her that would get burned, it would only be me, and I'd be left to pick up the pieces yet again.

Maybe I was wrong in chasing after her. Obviously, her running shoes were made for this kind of thing. She ran, and when I finally caught up to her, winded and finally happy that I had her within my reach, she'd sprint. I don't do sprinting. I don't do running. I'm sick of running. I'm sick of chasing. I'm sick of being the cat in this stupid cat and mouse game and I know she can tell I'm growing more and more irritated at our situation as the days progressed. I could see she knew just by the way she looked at me. She saw my frustration, she saw my loss of hope.

But did she do anything about it? No.

I told her I was going to kiss her. She let me. Does that prove anything to me at this point? No. Just that she likes when I kiss her.

Okay, that may prove one thing.

But really, that got me nowhere. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I kissed her with my all, showed her what I was and who I was, she'd understand and not fight it anymore. But obviously, she still is.

I'm growing to hate this.

If I ever, ever get out of this with her, she will never be able to make decisions in this relationship. She obviously can't figure out if she wants love and happiness or loneliness and depression. Gee, Alex, I'll take 'things I should have chosen when I could have' for 1000.

I opened the door to my hotel room, shoving the hotel key in my pocket and held my cell phone in my hand, rolling it in my palms. I was stressed, annoyed and highly agitated.

I needed a joint.

"Hey, J, you ready?"

I looked over at Lonnie, nodding my head. "Where's Alisan?"

"Next floor down. Told her we'd meet her in the lobby."

"All right," I said, sighing deeply and placing my sunglasses on my face, wanting to hide my suddenly tired eyes and crows feet that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere within the last few months. "Let's just get this damn day over."

"You all right?"

I looked over at Lonnie, following him into the elevator and nodding. "I'm all right. Just, long day."

"You seemed to have been having a good day with Miss Aly," he noted, a slight teasing and knowing smirk on his face. "She promise you something that you just want the day over with?"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes as he laughed, crossing his arms that were bigger than my entire body across his chest and leaning against the wall of the elevator as I stood beside him, staring at my feet. "Too bad that wasn't it," I mumbled. "Girl can't make her mind up if her life depended on it."

"You seem to have a problem with letting go, J."

I turned my head, looking at him curiously. "How so? I've laid my heart out on the line and she still won't take it."

"I seem to remember a woman named 'Katie' in the mix, too."

I groaned, dropping my head. "What's she have to do with it?"

"You are sleeping with her," he said simply. "Does put a damper on some decisions."

"I can't just ... drop her."

"You can't just gain a woman either."

"Yeah, I know," I said softly. "But what if San refuses? What if I drop Katie, thinking that Alisan wants to be with me but it ends up all blowing up in my face? What if I'm left all alone because of some stupid mistake? Some ... stupid woman?"

"She's not stupid, and some mistakes are meant to happen."

"Blah, blah, blah," I mumbled, rolling my eyes again. "This stupid 'whatever is meant to happen will happen' shit is going to drive me insane."

"It's true, Timberlake," Lonnie said, nodding as he clapped a hand on my shoulder. "This is the first time I've seen you as love sick as you are, though. The girl must be something for you to be so hung up on her."

"She is something," I sighed, the doors opening as my eyes widened, taking in the vision in front of me. "If you can't see that now, then I won't ever understand you, Lon."

Girl, you're turning me on
You're such a fine lady

Lonnie whistled lowly from behind me, patting my shoulder in approval. Alisan turned just then, her eyes meeting mine from about twenty feet away as a slow smile stretched across her beautiful face. She wore a tiered skirt in a deep red with a white tank top, her hair wavy and not as wild as usual. If I hadn't of seen her this morning, I would never have known it was her ... though her hair would have given her away soon enough. "Hey," I said softly, all my irritation washing away with the smile she gave me as Lonnie and I approached her. I smelled her perfume as soon as I stepped into her, walking in synch (ha, ha) with her feet and glancing down, seeing the faint hints of shimmer on her collarbone and at the tops of her breasts. Seriously, she must have recently discovered push-ups, because they looked ... well, amazing.

I'm a man, I am going to look. In fact, I could see that it was a nude colored bra with clear straps. She was definitely shopping at Victoria's Secret.

And sugar, more and more
You're driving me crazy

Maybe I was on the right track.

Or maybe it was just leftovers from Lucas. Blech.

I shuddered, she looking over at me with a confused look on her face. "What was that for?"

"Aftertaste from my mouthwash," I said quickly, trying not to look too bad of a liar.

Who the hell am I kidding? It was just a piece of clothing that I could easily remove and disregard it's meaning quickly if I had the chance.

'Cause you're just what I want
And I'm just what you need
Oh, it's on
I'm gonna make you my baby
Sweet darling, all I can see
Is you and me

She walked ahead of me as we made it outside, fans that had camped out in front of the hotel screaming my name. I turned my head, half-ass signing an autograph and attempting to keep my eyes in my head and mouth inside my mouth as I watched her hold the skirt to her ass, naked legs stretching for miles in red heeled sandals, the top of her leg peeking out as she bent to sit. It left little to the imagination, and with mine, it was running wild and rampant at the moment. Lonnie ushered me to the car, leaning in as he reached for the door and whispering, "wipe your mouth, Timberlake."

I laughed, reaching up and casually brushing my hand over my mouth as if I was scratching below my nose, sitting down next to her as she spoke on her phone to whomever seemed to be on the other end. She was looking out the window on her side, giving me all access to stare at her legs up to her mid-thigh. What I wouldn't do to have her legs around my waist and -

"Yeah, J's here. You wanna say hi? Yeah, hold on." She thrust the phone out to me as I tried to make myself look busy with the hem of my shirt, accepting the phone and looking at her quizzically. "It's JC," she whispered as I pulled the phone to my ear, forcing cheerfulness out of my mouth as I tried to keep my mind out of the gutter, trying so desperately to keep the hard-on I knew I'd get if I kept staring at her legs at bay. "Hey, C," I greeted, his voice bringing a smile to my face. I missed this guy.

"Hey, Justin," he said cheerfully. "How's it going? Tour going well? Fans treating you good? Alisan?"

I laughed at how he snuck in what he had and couldn't help but grin. "Tour is good, fans are good, the rest is ... mediocre?"

"Ouch," JC said, clicking his tongue. "That sucks man. I'm sorry."

"What about you?" I asked, wanting to stop talking about it and bring the attention to him, "how's life for you?"

"Album's finally done. We're in the process of finalizing it. Finally," he laughed. "And I met a really sweet girl the other day. Total opposite of what I usually go for, but I really like her."

"Really? That's great man," I said sincerely. At least one of us was getting the love. "What's her name?"

"Brooke. She's brunette with deep blue eyes. She's really short," he laughed. "Well, not really short, but her nickname is 'Midge' from her brother, since she took offence to 'Midget'. She's really curvy, totally different than the skinny-asses I usually date, too."

I laughed, unable to see JC with someone built like her, since he usually went for women built like him: skinny and nothing to them. "How old is she?"

He grew silent and I could help but laugh. "Please don't tell me she's like, 40."

"No," he laughed. "She's ... younger than you."

"Oh. So what ... 24? 23?"

"21."

I busted out laughing, JC growing offensive on the other side. "No, no, it's not that. You just said it like she'd be either with a walker or needing a hand to walk. You acted like it was something wrong. She's years over 'of age' and years behind 'over the hill', so you're okay, man."

He laughed. "You'll have to meet her when you get home. Hopefully, I can introduce Alisan as your girlfriend ..."

"Jace, c'mon," I groaned. "It isn't for me to decide anyway."

"What is?" Alisan looked over, interested. "What isn't for you to decide?"

I held up my finger, silencing her as I went back to JC. "I'll call you later on tomorrow, okay? We're getting close to the venue and I need to do vocal warm-ups."

"Please do the neener one for me," JC laughed. "Please, do it! I wanna hear you sound like a duck again!"

"Bye, Jace," I laughed, hanging up the phone as I handed it to Alisan. "He wanted me to do the duck sounding vocal warm-up again."

She laughed. "Well, you do sound like a duck. A dying duck."

I shook my head as we approached the parking garage behind the venue, anxious for them to park so I could get out and stretch (and not be so close to Alisan). When we did stop, I didn't wait for Lonnie, pushing open the door and jumping out, looking over at Alisan as she stretched her arms above her head, showing hints of her belly as I turned away, cursing myself as I tried to think of disturbing things. This woman was going to kill me by the end of the night.

My love is insane; pleasure and pain
It's part of life, so live it up baby
Now if you're scared of love
Don't, don't be afraid
'Cause girl I'm scared, too
But I gotta have you
I'm gonna love you day and night
Yes, I'll treat you right

"You'll just have to go down the hall and walk all the way to the end and make a left. Your dressing room is on the right. Guest passes will be sitting on the table. If you need extras, let me know."

I looked over at the man talking to Cleo, she holding her clipboard and nodding as she listened. Glad she was paying attention, my mind was in left field yet again.

"I'm going to go down the hall with Cleo," Alisan said as she tugged on my upper arm. "Sing your ass off for me, okay? And sing my songs the best," she grinned, kissing my cheek. "Good luck, babe."

"Thanks," I said, giving her a smile and watching her walk away with Cleo, the two women talking happily amongst themselves. Her songs. 'Another Song' and 'Summer Love'. Great choices, Alisan. Really.

I cleared my throat as I turned on my heel, following Lonnie down towards the venue, the faint clicks of Alisan's heeled sandals echoing in my ears as we walked further away from each other. I had said time and time again that I was letting it all fall into her hands with her decision, but damnit, I was going to aid her in her decision quicker if I could.

And that was when I got the greatest idea.

I just wanna be with you
Girl, that's all I want to do
I just wanna be, be with you
Girl, that's all I want to do

You and me ...

*Alisan*

In an arena full of teenage and young women (and some men), I had never witnessed a pure moment of silence as I have just now. It was almost as if they were on edge and a movement had startled them, they waiting for the next move before they continued. The silence didn't last long, obviously; the lights dimmed and the stage lights took effect, my ears literally popping from the high-pitched screams.

Standing in the VIP section next to Lonnie and Cleo, I listened to the beginnings of 'FutureSex/LoveSounds' and grinned, this a favorite, but never one that I admitted to because of the context. To Justin, I was quiet about things that dealt with anything in that category. Secretly, those kinds of songs were my favorite (FS/LS, Come to Me, All Day Long I Dream About Sex, etc ...) and I was very intrigued to see him perform this (and every other song) live since I hadn't caught any of his shows before this one since the last club tour.

The screams got louder as his silhouette appeared behind a curtain. I felt almost perverted, like I was peeping in on him changing through a curtain as he sang and did what he usually did to make the girls scream. I watched his hips, watched him move them in sensual ways that brought back the mental pictures of Black Snake Moan yet again, bringing me to shut my eyes and try to mentally erase them. I wasn't going to let my thoughts get away from me tonight. Tonight, it was about his music. Later, it'd be about my decision.

Later.

"This is his favorite part of the show," Cleo said, leaning into me as she spoke over the music. "The energy gets so high here. He's always got this euphoric look on his face!"

I laughed, following her gaze back up to the stage, watching him strut back and forth with the women dancing so scantily clad against him. It was about an hour into the show, we just getting through his medley of songs and 'Damn Girl', the beginning of 'Summer Love' starting and bringing a grin on my face as he looked towards me, pointing at me with a grin. He played it off as he danced, flirting shamelessly with the girls near him and the dancers, doing his little walk back and forth on the circular platform.

"I love this song!" I laughed, dancing beside Cleo and making Lonnie spin me a few times as he grinned, still keeping a watchful eye on Justin. I watched him as he neared us, still very much playing into the crowd and teasing them with hip gyrations and his bright smile, well into the second verse when I saw him turn, point at me and start towards me, singing. I could only look at him in confusion, still slightly dancing, slightly singing along.

Well, I'mma freak you right
Each and every night
I know how to do it insane, girl
'Cause I wanna make 'ya hot
Make 'ya stop, make 'ya wanna say my name, girl
C'mon, baby, please
'Cause I'm on my knees
Can't get you off my brain, girl
But who woulda thought that you could be the one 'cause I ...

I shook my head at him as he gave me a knowing look, continuing to sing along as Lonnie and Cleo both looked at me. "What?!"

Lonnie shook his head in response, Cleo just laughing. Seriously. It wasn't like he sang those words to -

Oh.

That was all it took for me to stand dumbfounded as he continued going back and forth, and suddenly, gape when he appeared back in front of me again, this time, staring down at me as he sang his heart out. In the midst of the screams, loud bass and loud beating of my heart in my ear, all I heard was him.

Summer's over for the both of us
But that doesn't mean we should give up on us
You're the one that I've been thinkin' of
And I knew the day I met you, you'd be the one

And this show could be over ... now.

Of course, after his little eye-to-eye contact with me, I began getting weird looks (not mean, just weird) from the people closest to us. I felt uncomfortable as I felt myself begin to be part of the inquiring minds, wheels turning and gears switching to figure out who I was.

"All right, all right, all right," Justin said, laughing in his microphone as he sat down in front of his piano about an hour later. "I hope y'all had fun because tonight has been a blast for me. It's been especially good for me, having you all here to party with me and having a special person in the audience tonight to finally catch my show. Everyone say 'hi' to my best friend Alisan over there in VIP!" He pointed towards me, laughing as he could see from his position how red my cheeks had gotten. "I know she's gonna kill me after this, so I'm glad this song is last. Before I get all rambling on you guys, I want to thank you for coming out and being a great crowd! This is the last song of the night so I hope you all have a safe trip home!"

I watched him sit down at the piano, beginning to play the introduction of 'Another Song' softly, face set in concentration as he looked down. I took that time to look up at the jumbo screen, his blue eyes suddenly meeting mine through the screen as his voice echoed throughout the stadium, stopping the music completely, the somewhat silent arena mumbling in confusion as he got a sly grin on his face, lifting his head to the mic that was to his right, voice soft.

"This is for you, San."

I reached for my eyes, his sweet dedication bringing tears to them as I felt like the biggest emotional loser ever. His eyes met mine from where he sat, he seeing my expression and laughing slightly as he began to play once more, this time without stopping.

I listened in awe as I heard his sweet falsetto sing, the audience singing almost above his softer tone, thankful that I had speakers near me at this exact moment, hearing the one song that meant more to me than any other song did.

Immediately, I thought back to the time when he first admitted that he loved me. This song had been on repeat for hours on end as I cried myself in and out of sleep, his voice the only comfort I found. The day after, when the song was still on repeat, he somehow knowing that this song would be what I was listening to and nothing (and no one) else. How he had sang it into my voicemail, proving to me once and for all he knew me better than I knew myself. That he knew we were meant to be together. The very same voicemail that was still saved on my old phone that I refused to get rid of. The very song that proved many things to me that I wished I had known a long time ago.

I blinked back tears, hands clasped in front of my face as I listened to him raise his voice to a louder tone, a stronger one taking a stand and making himself heard. What I heard caused me to put my hands to my face, the smile on my face hidden by my palms.

Alisan, you're all I've got
Don't you leave me standing here
Once again
'Cause I'll give you my life
Yes, I would
If you would let me try to love you ...

His eyes met mine in the longest, most heartfelt gaze since probably the first day his feelings came out. I saw the raw emotion, the pain, frustration and love he had for me and towards me, suddenly feeling ashamed for dragging him along for so long. I didn't deserve him.

Suddenly, I felt claustrophobic. The air was thick, the people were close, and I felt the walls closing in faster than ever. I had to get out of there, and quickly. I broke the gaze with Justin, he looking quizzically at me as I turned frantically around, grabbing my purse and leaving the arena quickly. My heels clicked annoyingly against the lineoleum floor, reaching down and ripping them from my feet. I pushed the doors to the outside open, humid air meeting my face as I let out the breath I was unaware that I was holding. God, this was sad.

What was I doing to the poor man? He didn't deserve someone pulling him around on a chain just because he loved them. He deserved to be with someone who wanted to be with him. Someone who wanted to kiss him back, who wanted to kiss him first. Who wanted to feel his body against hers, to make love to because they were the one piece of life that he could never get enough of.

I wish I would have realized what I had months ago. Months ago, it would have been easier to completely walk away or to run to him instead of away from. Now, either way, it's difficult to do either one.

Girls began to pile out, keeping my eyes down as some whispered my name in confusion, while others completely walked past, oblivious to what the others were speaking of. "You all right?"

I looked up, meeting the face of a girl a little younger than me, she looking concerned as she held a cigarette in one hand, tour book in the other. "Yes, thank you," I said softly, eyes traveling down to the cigarettes. "Can I ... can I have one of those, please?" Anything that would release this tension in my head was worth a shot.

"Sure," she said, reaching into her pack and giving me one, waiting for me to place it between my lips as she leaned forward, lighting it for me. "You're Alisan, huh?" It was a simple, not-meant-in-a-spiteful way question, she tossing her own cigarette down and toeing it out. "The girl he dedicated to the last song to? The crazy chicks kept pointing you out throughout the show."

"I guess it's not possible for me to deny that's who I am," I said softly, giving her a weak smile. "Sometimes I wish I could."

"Why? You've got a gorgeous guy who wants to be with you."

"Sometimes, being gorgeous isn't enough."

"He cares about you -"

"That, he does," I said softly. "I guess it's just complicated."

"It's better that way," she said knowingly. "Leaves you guessing and never bored." She gave me a grin, and I couldn't help but smile back. "I'm Tayla."

"Alisan," I said, extending my hand and shaking hers. "Thanks for this," I said softly, holding up the cigarette that was now in my hand. "I appreciate it."

"No problem," she smiled, turning her head as she heard her name being called. "That's my ride. Thanks for being a sweet woman, not a royal bitch like most friends of celebrities are," she laughed. "And look, it'll all work out. You two are good for each other. You compliment one another."

"Oh?"

She laughed, nodding. "Yeah. You're petite, brown hair and eyes, and he's muscular, blue eyes, now brown hair. He's outgoing and loud, you're quiet and reserved. You'd balance each other out. I saw the way you two looked at each other, you thrive on one another. It's cute. Give him a chance, okay? Don't break his heart if you can help it. I'll be rooting for you." She lifted her hand up and waved, disappearing into the parking lot.

Taking a deep intake of the nicotene, I watched as the last bit of girls piled out of the arena, listening to them speak excitedly about the show and about how amazing he looked. I couldn't argue with their points there, closing my eyes and leaning back against the window.

It was finally silent, a few voices still lingering, hoping to catch a glimpse of Justin leaving as they circled around the arena waiting for him. I flicked the cigarette away from me, staring ahead. I knew I wanted to be with him, why did it seem so difficult for me to vocalize this? Why did I push him away instead of pull him closer? Why was I so damn scared of him?

"There you are," a soft voice said, slowly filtering through my mind and settling in my ears. I turned to look at the person who spoke, he approaching with his hands shoved in his pockets and now dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. "I didn't get to give you my after-show ritual hug," he added sadly. "Why'd you leave?"

"Claustrophobia," I said softly, eyes looking around at the few girls who kept their distance as he neared me, eyes studying me. "I just needed air ..."

"You missed the end of the show."

"I saw the song."

"I know, but still ..."

"J," I said softly, reaching for his upper arms and running my hands down them, placing my head at his chest, looking down at our feet. "I'm pushing you away."

"No," he said softly, resting his chin on the top of my head, "you're leaving me behind."

"Same difference."

"Not exactly," he replied, moving his chin so that his forehead was against the top of my head. "You'd be in my reach if you were trying to push me away; leaving me behind leaves too much distance between us."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Good."

"You smell like cigarettes."

"Guilty."

"San ..."

"I want to love you," I said softly, finally raising my head so that I was looking up at him, not caring about the girls around us. "I mean, I do love you. I want to love you and be loved by you. I want that, I just ..."

"Stop running away from me, San," he said, keeping his voice low. "Stop running. Take your -" He looked down, chuckling at my bare feet. "Do what you're doing now and take your shoes off. Sit down and let me catch up to you. Let me be on the same page as you are. Let me be the one who runs with you, not after you."

"I'm tired," I said softly, feeling his arms wrap around my shoulders and hug me tightly. "Can we skip the club tonight and just go back to the hotel? I just want to lie in bed with you like old times and watch movies until we fall asleep."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "I miss that."

"Me, too." He reached down, entwining my hand with his as he led me back inside and towards the dressing room so that he could gather his stuff so we could go through the backway. "San, I still want an answer, you know."

I looked over at him, he looking forward this time. "I know." With that, he squeezed my hand, we continuing down the hall in silence.


"All right, so what movie we watching tonight?" Justin asked as we made our way into my hotel room, figuring no one would bother him here rather than in his room. "Please, tell me it's not Dirty Dancing again ..."

I grinned, reaching in my bag and pulling that movie out as he groaned. "Oh, come on, Jutty," I said, pouting and putting my hands on my hips. "We haven't watched it in forever and it's a tradition!"

"God, how can I resist that face?" He sighed deeply, rummaging through the pile of clothes he had taken from his room before we came down to mine. "Go change, I'll put the movie in and call room service for some pizza or something."

I nodded, reaching in my bag. "I'm gonna take a quick shower -"

"Quick, as in half hour quick or an hour quick?"

"Like, five minutes quick. I just want to wash off this shimmer and the ... cigarette smell out of my hair."

"I still can't believe you were smoking."

"Don't lecture me, pot boy," I said, giving him a stern look and a pointed finger as he gave me his best puppy dog look. "Ten minutes. Time me."

"You bet my sweet ass I will," he grinned as I rolled my eyes, going into the bathroom and taking a shower in record time. I pulled on a tour shirt just for kicks and a pair of deep pink shorts, brushing my hair and running a hand through it to keep it wavy as I turned the light off. It was still boggling my mind as to what to do or what to say to him. The time had to be right and the words had to be right. I couldn't just come out and say it. It'd be wrong of me.

"Hey, pizza will be here in f-" he stopped, eyes going up and down my body with a smirk on his face. "Five minutes. Nice clothes."

"I thought you'd like my choice in attire," I laughed, grabbing the hem of the black shirt, his face staring up at me. "I happen to like the shirt."

"I hope you like who is on that shirt."

"Nah, I just like the cottony feel."

"Ah, bite me," he laughed, sitting down on the bed as he tossed his cell phone and room key onto the nightstand. "We all know you love the face on the cottony feeling shirt."

"How could I not," I laughed, turning towards the door to answer it as a man called 'room service' through the door. Justin came up from behind me, giving the man a tip as he accepted the food, letting me take the beers from his hand. "Thanks," I smiled, the man disappearing down the hallway as I closed the door. "Pizza and beer. What am I? One of the guys now?"

"For now," he shrugged. "We watch your movie, we eat my food."

"Figured," I laughed. "You know I hate beer."

"You'll learn to love it."

"Or I can have water."

"Or I can force you to have the beer and get you completely drunk."

"Justin Randall," I said, raising an eyebrow and watching him pull his shirt off, leaving him in his flannel bottoms, "are you trying to seduce me?"

"I dunno," he grinned, taking a swig of his beer as he watched me from the top of the bottle. "Is it working?"

"Hardly."

"Then nope. Just wanting to get you plastered."

I scoffed, sitting down on the bed and leaning up against the headboard as he mimicked me shortly after, hitting the button on the remote to start the movie. "Just a warning though," he said, suddening pausing it and looking at me, "if you begin to recite every line from the movie, I may have to smack you."

"I'll call the police."

"I dare you," he grinned, leaning forward and kissing my forehead. I leaned into him, he inhaling deeply. "You smell good."

"I did shower."

"Thank God."

"Bite me."

"I would. You smell like watermelon and berries. All fruity and fresh."

"Just like you."

"Hey, hey, hey," he laughed, reaching behind me and wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me closer to his bare chest. "We all know that I love women."

"I'm not women."

"I don't love you."

"Liar. You know you do."

"But do you?"

"Love me? Of course I love me. I'm amazing."

"No. Love me."

I looked at him, tilting my head so I could see him fully. "You know I do."

"I know," he grinned, breaking the tension before it started. He set the beer back down, leaning his head against mine and smiling. "This is nice. I missed this."

"Me too," I said softly, watching as Baby sat in the back of her father's car, looking out the window and narrating. "A lot." I quickly forgot about the pizza and beer, the warmth of his body comforting as I closed my eyes, listening to the words of the movie and thinking about how right this felt. How right he was for me, how right the timing was.

But yet, I couldn't tell him.

*Justin*

I woke suddenly, the warmth against the side of my body signalling that Alisan had too, fallen asleep sometime (perhaps shortly) after me. She was lying on her side, legs tangled with one of my own, hands gripping one of mine, one below, one above my hand; how she had managed that was beyond me. In my dream, we were happier than I could have ever imagined ... I wanted that. I wanted her to realize that what I dreamt, could be a reality. She just had to face it and face her fears. We'd be beautiful together.

I closed my eyes, imagining what she had probably looked like pregnant in my dream. Obviously, she was covered by a gown and blankets so I didn't really pay attention to her stomach, rather the red bundle exiting out of her and into the world. I imagined she'd grow rather large: all women that carried Timberlake's seemed to have (especially Lisa, who carried three children and looked as if she were carrying a twenty pound watermelon underneath her top); become fuller in the breasts as I noticed in my dream (I am a man, I do look) and have that glow that people spoke about.

"Hey," she said softly, breaking me of my thoughts, "it's still dark. Go back to sleep."

"I could say the same for you," I said softly, feeling her releasing my hands, taking the opportunity to turn onto my side to face her. "Why'd you wake up?"

"You were grinding your teeth," she said softly, reaching forward and touching my jaw. "What's on your mind?"

"Nothing, really," I said, shrugging and feeling my eyes become heavy once more. It was probably not even close to 3 AM yet. "Just woke up from a weird dream, is all."

"Oh?" She raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to go further. "You want to tell me about it?"

"Nah," I said, giving her a tired smile. "It wasn't a bad one, just one that was ... off-the-wall."

"Okay," she smiled, leaning forward and placing a kiss on my forehead. "Go back to sleep. We'll go out to lunch and then you can go bust your ass for the next two days for your last show."

"And then we can go dancing?"

"And then we can go dancing," she nodded, smiling. "G'night, sleepy."

"Good night." I closed my eyes, willing sleep to come. But, some hours later, it still hadn't come. My dream was constantly on my mind and forever making me think. I realized long ago that if I had a lot on my mind and could not clear it, sleep would never come. Somehow, I had to clear it. I needed to put my mind elsewhere.

But where?

I felt movement from next to me, Alisan getting up slowly and placing a blanket . She opened the balcony doors, glancing back at me as I watched her through half-lidded eyes, she thinking I was still asleep as she let the door fall shut almost quietly with a gentle click, she turning around and leaning up against the rail watching the waves crash against the sand below. She looked at peace ... at home here.

Getting up slowly, scratching my head tiredly and reaching for the door, she turning as she heard me move behind her. "Hey," I said, voice raspy and full of sleep. Too bad I didn't get any of it. "What are you doing?"

"Couldn't sleep," she said softly, giving me a tired smile as she moved over slightly for room next to her. "Thought I'd catch the sun come up."

"That makes two of us on the not sleeping part," I said, leaning against the rail and putting my head on my hands that rested on the cherry wood. "Why couldn't you sleep?"

"You're a very restless person when you can't sleep," she laughed. "Tossing and turning, mumbling obsceneties under your breath ..."

"Sorry," I mumbled, feeling her hand touch my skin and rub it soothingly. "Today is going to be a hellish one," I mumbled, already mentally hating that I'd be in the dance studio and arena for at least sixteen hours, dancing and singing. She said nothing, just continued to rub my back, every so often kneading knots in my upper back. "Don't make me go ..."

"You know I'd never make you do anything you didn't want to do," she said softly, leaning her head into my shoulder, still gently rubbing. "I'm not like that."

"I know." And I did. But what if I was? What if I was trying to push her into something she really didn't want? You could love someone but not want to be with them, right? What if that's the case right now? What if she does love me, but doesn't want to be with me? Am I really going to push her into a relationship with me if that isn't what she wants? To love me, and hate me at the same time for forcing her to do this? "I can't do this," I said softly, suddenly. Pulling away, she looked at me, eyes wide in confusion. "I can't keep pushing you, I can't keep going on like there isn't something I'm waiting for an answer for. I can't keep playing around, trying to give you little ... kisses and physical contact, hoping to push you into saying you want to be with me. I'm not like that, I'm not going to force this upon you. I love you. God, do I love you ... but I can't ... I'm probably going to always love you, even if you don't love me forever ... but I can't be that person. I'm not going to be that person." She opened her mouth to speak, but I ignored her, walking back into the room and grabbing my phone and hotel key, closing the door behind me and leaving her behind.

I'd always be there, but this was something she had to do on her own. I couldn't do what I was doing and not feel horrible about it years, maybe even months down the line. That's not who I was, and it would never be. If she wanted to be with me, it'd be on her own free will.

As long as sunlight lights the sky
The light of love will be found with these eyes of mine
And I will shine that light for you
You're the only one I'll ever give this heart to
What I'm trying to say is, nothing will change this
There'll be no time you won't find me there
'Cause I will always be there
You will always have all my love

It'd be good for us, me being busy almost the rest of these two days before the show. She'd get to be on her own, think a little. Okay, I hoped she'd think a lot. I needed her to know that I was serious, but I also needed her to know what she wanted completely. She may have loved me, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me.

That, I was okay with. For now. I don't know how long I'll be 'okay' with it, however; I hoped she'd make her mind up quickly and realize that I'm the best thing for her, the best thing to happen to her, the best damn thing ever.

On her own terms, of course.

*Alisan"

"You all right? You look as if you just lost your best friend."

I looked over, Cleo going over her notes in her clipboard as I sat across from her during lunch. "You and Justin get into a fight?"

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I don't think so."

"You don't think? What happened?"

"I honestly don't know," I said, shrugging and looking down at the clipboard. "Let's not worry about that, okay? Let's go over the tour pranks."

She laughed. "All right. Well, Rachel agreed to not go out for 'My Love', so that's all you. You sure you're up to dancing? It's very consuming. And your knee? Can it take it?"

"I'll manage," I smiled. "Besides, whats a little pain to see that look on his face when he sees me standing there instead of her? I've been doing some dancing at home to prepare for this. I've had this cooked up in my head for weeks."

Cleo grinned, shaking her head. "So ... are you two going to ever get together? I know he wants it ... but do you?"

"Well," I said, biting my lip and looking away, seeing yet another paparazzi circle near the car a little ways down the road. What the hell were they doing here? Justin was miles away. Bringing my eyes back at her, I grinned. "Hopefully by the time the end of the night approaches, he'll know I want to be with him."

"You do?!" Cleo's face lit up, the grin brighter than I had ever seen on her. "That's awesome! Yay!"

"Hey, ladies," Rachel greeted, walking up to us and sitting down in between us at the round table. "Aly, have you seen the latest tabloid magazine yet?"

"I don't read those unless I'm at the salon," I laughed, watching as she lifted her hand up, tossing a magazine in front of me. "Oh, this is ... nice," I mumbled, picking up the magazine and groaning. "Justin Timberlake's Secret Overseas Affair With Mystery Woman? Details Inside!" I looked the picture, gasping. It was this very morning, with us at the balcony and my head on his shoulder. Great. "Oh, my God ..."

"Oh, there's an even better shot in the article," Rachel said, reaching forward and flipping a few pages as my eyes settled onto the photo she was talking about. I almost died. "How did they -" I stopped, remembering the paparazzi that where at the beach when I spotted them after we had kissed. They had captured that moment, one hand hidden underneath the water, while the other hid part of my face, gripping my chin as I held his face. It would have been a nice photo if it hadn't been to smear his name. And mine.

Lucas. Oh, God. And Katie.

"We're screwed," I put my hands to my face, Rachel getting up. "I can't believe this -"

"Believe it," Rachel shrugged. "We'll figure something out. For now, you and I have to go work on the choreography with your outfit. So let's go, woman." She reached down, grabbing my hand and tugging, waiting as I grabbed the magazine and followed, Cleo close behind.

"Come on, Aly," Rachel called, standing in front of the mirrors as I stood there, hands on my hips and in pain from the heels that I hadn't been used to dancing in for a long time. "Get your mind away from that damn magazine. Dance! Dance like you mean it! Take your anger out in the music or something! The heels aren't that bad!"

"I know," I mumbled, running a hand through my hair that was now up in a clip. "I just can't ... I can't imagine going home and dealing with this now."

"It'll all clear up," she said, reaching forward and hitting the start button again. "There's always a different story about him every week. Just ... let it pass. Don't let it bother you, otherwise they'll continue to feed off of it, okay? Forget about it."

I bit my lip, nodding. "All right." If only it were that easy.


Rachel stood behind me, dressed in a pair of gray trousers and a white wifebeater, black suspenders at her hips. "Knock 'em dead, Aly," she grinned. "Better yet, knock him dead." She hugged me, reaching forward and playing with my hair a bit and tugging at the red dress she had chosen for me, looking down at the red ballet strapped heels that she had lent me. "Just remember, your choreography is different than his. He knows that they changed it, and he can feed off of it, he's good at things like that. Don't let the others distract you, lure him in, let him feed off of you. It'll work. You'll look amazing. He'll probably freak out when he sees you. Well, maybe not, but inside he may." She grinned, we both hearing the near end of the prelude to 'My Love'.

This was it.

"Knock him dead," she repeated, giving me a gentle push towards the side of the stage where I'd enter, strut my way towards and then past Justin, leading him throughout the entire song while we danced. Although this wasn't a prank, the last show always had things that didn't happen in any other show ... my appearance didn't happen ever, obviously, and since I was a dancer, Cleo and Rachel thought this was the best time to show everyone that I still had it.

Hopefully, I still did.

I took my cue, placing a hand on my hip and strutting out on the stage, his eyes still facing front as I neared, flipping my hair as I turned my face, meeting his as his eyes washed over in confusion and surprise, he quickly recovering and giving me a shocked shake of his head, following behind as I strut. I hit the first mark perfectly, dancing in beat with him as we both locked eyes the entire time, flashing a smile to him that he returned, still looking in disbelief as he grabbing my hand, turning me around and pulling me to his hips, we grinding against each other momentarily before I turned behind him, smacking his rear as he turned quickly to follow once more, even few steps we dancing some more. The routine was perfect.

My favorite part was the foot work of the chorus. Simple yet hilarious to do, especially in heels. Justin had grabbed my hand, we both doing it together as he started to laugh mid-chorus, finally surrendering to him being played, watching as I strut off the stage during his beat box. As soon as he finished, he was laughing hysterically, calling my name. "San, get out here!"

I peeked around, seeing him looking at me with a wide grin on his face. He motioned for me to come out, so, I did. The girls were still screaming as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pointing at me in disbelief. "Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend Alisan Turner! Who, hadn't danced in years until now!" He shook his head again, turning to me and hugging me tightly. "You did amazing, San," he whispered into my ear loudly. "I'm proud of you. And just a little bit pissed you didn't tell me!"

I pulled away, giving him a grin and waving as I walked back out.

Moments later, the show was over and I heard loud, echoing footsteps headed towards me at a quick pace, turning to see him running at me. I laughed, feeling him crash into me and wrap his arms around me, swinging me around. "I can't believe you! Why didn't you tell me?!"

"Surprise," I laughed, he still holding me tightly. "We wanted it to be for the last show. Kind of half the reason I came here. I wanted to be a part of this."

"And you hid this from me the entire time?! Miss I can't hold secrets?!"

"Yep."

"Damn," he whistled, finally putting me down. "Well, you do know that this means you and I have to go dancing now, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I do."

"You're gonna wear that, right?"

"I was gonna change -"

"No, wear that," he said softly, quiet enough for just me to hear. "You look ... nice."

"Nice? Just nice?" I put my hands on my hips, watching as he licked his lips, eyes going up and down my body as he shook his head. "What, then?"

Slowly, he leaned into me, mouth grazing my ear and sending a chill down my spine. It had been two days of us not being close to each other to make me realize (not even the weeks, just these past two days) that the effect on me that he had was one-of-a-kind and something I wanted to experience every day of my life. His mouth was still to my ear, feeling like he had forgotten what he was going to say, but suddenly, he spoke, his voice low. "Sexy. You look fucking sexy. You walked on that stage and it took all my self-control to not drag you behind the drumset and fuck you."

I couldn't help but grin as I pulled away, studying his face. "Now you know how I've felt since watching Black Snake Moan."

"You said you didn't -" He stopped, mouth dropping in mock surprise as he shook his head. "You little liar."

I shrugged. "It happens. Now go get cleaned up and we'll go dancing."

"And drink. 'Cause I need some celebratory drinks and -" He stopped, and I could see the gears going around in his head. "Did you ... did you somewhat admit you have wanted to sleep with me?"

I laughed, shaking my head and turning around, ignoring the question all together as I waved him off. "I'll meet you at the limo!"

"Tease!"

I grinned, catching Cleo's eye as she grinned widely, turning to say something to Lonnie and laughing. Maybe tonight was gonna be the night I finally told him. Hell, I've already admitted to wanting to sleep with him; admitting that I want to be with him should be a piece of cake.

... Not.

Moments later, he was in the limo, head against the back of the seat. "I'm thirsty," he mumbled, picking his head up and looking around the limo. "I know there are bottles of water in here, but are there -" he stopped, eyes sparkling as he picked up the bottle of champagne that was placed in an ice bucket near the refrigerator. "Ah, there you are, my bubbly little friend," he cooed, popping open the top and grabbing two glasses, pouring them into glasses and looking at me. "Here's to ... the show being complete and you being here with me. And here, is to that little number that probably had every man that was actually at my show wishing they were me."

I blushed, shaking my head as he handed me the glass, clinking them together as I sipped it, he drinking it a bit faster than me. I watched his tongue snake out to lick of the remnants of the champagne, feeling the familiar pitter-patter of my heart when something affected me a little more than it was supposed to. I took notice of how moist his lips looked, how his eyes sparkled with the light of the moon peeking in through the tinted windows, and even caught my eyes drifting downward, imagining a lot more dirty things than I had in a while. I jerked my eyes back up, putting the glass to my lips and nearly chugging the champagne down, feeling lightheaded at the bubbles that traveled up instead of down.

"Whoa, easy killer," he chuckled, reaching forward and pouring more for me. "You think it was gonna get up and run away from you or some -" he stopped, laughing as I took the entire glass and drank it quickly again. "San, seriously," he laughed, reaching for the glass and putting it down, "you're gonna be drunk even before we get to the club ..."

"My intentions," I said, breathing heavily and trying to catch my breath from drinking so quickly. "Need to ... be drunk and be able to say things I can't while sober -"

He creased his eyebrows, confused. "San, what's going on?"

I shrugged, picking my head up and studying his face, his eyes looking almost a silver-blue with the lighting. My heart nearly lept out of my mouth as I tried to keep my cool, he licking his lips again. Oh, those lips. Those perfect, pouty, kissable lips.

"San."

I looked up at his eyes again, unable to maintain contact with them as my focus dragged back down to his mouth. God, I wanted him. I felt dizzy and light headed, unsure of whether or not it was the champage or his now heavy effect on me, reaching forward and sliding my hand across his face, his eyes dropping closed at my touch, snaking my hand to the back of his neck and pulling him towards me, pressing my lps to his a little less than gently. He didn't pull away, in fact, he pushed himself closer, putting me in a compromising position as he turned me completely, legs on either side of him as he pulled my body against his, hand resting on my bare thigh as the other held me at the small of my back.

The kiss was electric. Ever nerve in my body reacted the moment our lips touched. The hairs on my arms were standing up, and I immediately felt like the kiss needed to be more. It was too soon, so the kissing would be the only thing happening at the moment. His hand had other ideas, it slowly making its way up underneath the side of my skirt, releasing one side of his face as I slid my hand down to his, lacing my fingers through his and pulling him into an almost leaning position, our hands behind my back.

"God, Alisan," he mumbled, sucking gently at my lower lip as I felt him release me slightly, now gripping the side of my face. Immediately, I pictured the sex scene yet again, using every ounce of power I had to not want to take him right there on the seat. His mouth traveled slowly down my jaw bone and towards my shoulder, tongue tracing slow circles on my sweet spot near my ear, eyes fluttering closed each and every time he'd come full circle on my skin. "I take it you decided?" He said in a half-joking manner, now sucking gently on my skin as I nodded. "I take it you want to be with me?"

"Mmmhmm," I managed to hum out, gripping his hair as his mouth found mine again, barely grazing mine as his eyes locked with mine. "J," I said softly, watching the slow, sexy smile form on his face as he studied me, fingers falling down my face before lettng the pad of his thumb run across my bottom lip, he now looking like he was thinking. "What?"

"Nothing," he said softly, eyes still on mine as he continued running his thumb on my lip, "just trying to figure out how I'm going to behave when you and I go dancing ... especially after this."

I leaned forward, placing my lips against his and shrugging. His heart was beating just as fast as mine, maybe even faster. "I don't know," I mumbled, letting my tongue trace the outline of his lips, hand still holding his face. "If you figure that out, let me know."

He nodded against my forehead, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. "I always wondered how I'd feel if we finally got together," he said, now burying his face into my neck, "and it's nothing like I imagined."

"Is that a good ... or bad thing?" I asked, he turning his head so he was facing my neck, kissing it gently. "J?"

"Good thing," he replied. "Very good thing."

I leaned my head back against the seat, arm wrapped around the back of his neck as I ran my hands through his hair. This could work. We could work.

*Justin*

"Justin! Oh my God, Justin's here!"

I turned my head, giving the girls that had spotted me a big, probably too blinding smile. It was genuine, though. I was so deliriously happy it was almost pathetic. I had the beautiful girl I had been chasing all along linked in my arm, the smile on her face pretty much saying it all about how she felt about us, back home wasn't even on my mind. "Hey, guys!" I greeted, being ushered inside by the bouncers at the door and quickly escorted us to the VIP section.

That, was probably one of the perks about being a celebrity. Having the ability to get people to get you in faster, give you more privacy (though there's usually a lack thereof after that) and the better parts of places.

I sat down next to her, placing an arm over the back of her chair. From our seats, we overlooked the entire club, the DJ parallel of us and noticing me quickly.

"We have royalty in the building!" He called as he continued mixing and scratching the music. With a wave, I acknowledged him, smiling, but turning back to Alisan, who was now sipping a drink that I was unaware she had gotten.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Swiped it from the bar as we were walking," she grinned, extending it for me to take a drink. I accepted, nuzzling my face into her hair and inhaling deeply the scent she carried, mixed with the smoke from the club and my cologne that had rubbed off on her. "When are we gonna dance?"

"After I gather my thoughts and enjoy being with you," I mumbled, voice muffled in her hair as she laughed. "I'm serious."

"I know you are," she said, a slight squeal escaping her throat as I looked up, confused. "We need to dance. Now!"

I heard familiar beats of 'Blowin' Me Up (With Her Love)' in a remixed version begin, Alisan's excited face lighting up the entire dimly lit VIP area. "All right," I laughed, seeing her eagerness as one of her favorite (and very much underrated favorites, according to her) songs bounced through the speakers. She reached for my hand, yanking me down towards the floor and immediately, we were alone in our own little world with the song. She was against me, facing the other direction, hands resting on the back of my thigh and my neck respectively, moving her hips in ways I had never imagined.

Why had I never dated a dancer before?

... Well, besides Jenna.

People were watching us, and from the broad smile on her face, she was either milking it up or not caring at all. I took it as a mixture of both, grinning myself as the words of the song fit us perfectly at the moment.

Girl, it's just a sexy way
You back yourself into me
You're more than just a pretty face
You're better than a fantasy

She turned then, facing me with a look of knowledge written all over her face, looking questioningly at her as she shrugged, wrapping an arm around my neck again and grinding her hips into mine. If she continued, she'd feel a lot more between us than passion. It'd be related to passion, but it'd equal a lot more if her dancing continued.

We had to of been out there for a few hours, her hair already matted to her forehead as she continuously wiped sweat off of my top lip. I don't think I had sweat that much at the show than I was at the moment. Maybe it was because of the sexual tension that I was trying to keep in, or maybe it was because it was a constant dance between her and I. We drank while we danced, talked while we danced, neither of us had left the other since we had originally gone down to the floor.

"This one goes out to our special guest who just wrapped up his tour here in Sydney!"

I looked up, giving the DJ a thumbs up as a familiar song started, bringing my attention to Alisan, who was licking her lips. "What?"

"I have a confession," she laughed, mouth near my ear. "I never tell anyone this!"

"What's that?" I asked, feeling her grip my shoulders as she laughed slightly. "What's your confession?"

"This is my favorite song!"

I grinned at this, shaking my head. "I always knew you had a thing for the dirty songs!"

Shrugging, she kissed the spot near my ear and grinned. "Just another part of me you love!"

I nodded, still holding her close as I held the small of her back, grinding against her. Her face flashed with the same feelings that I had been holding back, licking my lips as we kept eye contact. This tension was going to be the death of me. That, or the erection that I knew was going to make it's grand entrance shortly if she continued what she was doing with her leg.

You know what you want
And that makes you just like me
See, everybody says you're hot, baby
But can you make it hot for me
Say, if you're thinking 'bout holding back
Don't worry, girl
'Cause I'm gonna make it so easy
So slide a little bit closer to me, little girl
See, daddy's on a mission to please ...

Her hands traveled up my chest, gripping the fabric of my t-shirt as I dipped my head, pressing my lips to hers. I didn't care who saw, I didn't care who detested it, I needed to taste her again. I needed to feel her mouth against mine, feel her tongue in my mouth.

Oh yeah, make that a very premature entrance.

She pulled away from me slightly, head looking down and then back up with me with a sexy smile, taking my hand and leading me back up to the closed off VIP area.

She's hopped up on me
I've got her in my zone

Just as quickly as we had gotten to the back wall near the corner where no one could see, she had me up against the wall, mouth against mine and hands gripping the belt loops of my jeans.

Okay, it took her how many months to even admit her liking me, and how many minutes to get her to this point?

... not that I was complaining.

Her body's pressed up on me
I think she's ready to blow
Must be my future sex, love sound
And when it goes down
Baby all you good do is ...

She pulled away, breathless as she still gripped my jeans tightly. "We need to go back to the hotel."

"What? Why?" I was confused, she stepping away from me and grabbing the drink that was still sitting there, drinking it and walking back over to me, extending it to me as I accepted it once more, bringing it to my lips and watching her over the bottle.

"Because," she said lowly, pressing herself up against me as I continued to drink, "if we don't get to the hotel, I may just fuck you right here."

I choked on my alcohol, studying her face and looking for any signs of humor in her eyes. When I saw none, it took me only seconds to get her from the VIP section to the limo.

Once the door was shut, she was on me quicker than I could even register, pressing me against the back of the seat as she straddled me, hands gripping the bottom of my t-shirt. "Wait," I pulled away, licking my lips and studying her own swollen lips. I had done that to her.

Whoops.

"What?"

"You sure you want this? I mean ... Lucas -"

"Doesn't matter."

"It does to me."

Where the hell was this coming from? Lucas did not matter to me.

She sighed deeply, pulling herself off of me and arranging her dress so it was covering her properly. "Lucas ... we haven't been together, together since Tennessee. He barely talks to me and we haven't slept together since then."

"So you're over?"

"We're over."

"Good." I swallowed, still completely horny for her and completely hard. Was I really going to let this happen? "Maybe we should just cool down a little. Let this happen when we're both ready for it."

Oh, I was ready.

We were silent the rest of the ride to the hotel, she lingering behind me as we made our way to the elevator, her heels clicking on the hardwood floor of the entrance and lobby.

We got into the elevator, she standing on the opposite side of me as I pressed '20', she pressing '19' and looking at me, eyes still clouded over, mouth still swollen with smeared tinted pink lip gloss (that still tasted like cherries) I was sure was smeared all over my mouth and neck.

I licked my lips, tasting the sweet fruit and looked at her. The dress reminded me of the one from my dream, the shoes the same. They hugged every curve of her, her breasts peaking out from the top, probably ready to spill over from our little tirade in the club and limo. She was still skinny San, but God, she was my San and I had to have her.

Wordlessly, I walked over to her, she opening her mouth to speak but being cut off my mouth. Within in seconds, she molded against me, hands in the back of my head, gripping my hair and letting me assault her with my own mouth.

I pulled away, she objecting as I smirked. "My room or yours?"

She gave me the same sexy smile again, looking away in thought, "Mine. It's closer."

I nodded, pressing my mouth against hers again, almost not hearing the faint 'ding' alerting us that we had reached her floor. Stumbling out of the elevator and blindly heading for her room, I felt her fumble in her back pocket for her key (she had given it to me before we left), hand gripping my ass, which resulted in me pressing harder against her. She laughed against my mouth, turning only to slide the card through. As soon as it allowed us in, I had her against the door, card long forgotten on the floor.

I felt her lift my shirt off of my body, hands returning to my bare skin and raking her short nails against my chest, hands stopping at my jeans and playing with the button, popping it open with one hand and separating the denim, hands going dangerously slow with the zipper, the release from the pants a lot more relief-filling than I remembered.

As my pants fell to the floor, her mouth met mine again, her hands on my hips and gripping onto me tightly as I lifted her up, grabbing the zipper to the back of her dress and going not-so-slowly with it, pretty sure that I had ripped it as I attempted to tear it away from her.

"Are we really going to do this?" She asked softly, mouth assaulting the side of my neck as I nodded. "You want it to?"

I couldn't answer, nodding only as I lowered the straps of her dress, kissing the newly revealed bare skin. She groaned as I let my tongue travel down her collar bone and back up, meeting her eager lips as I put her on the bed, hands gripping the fabric of the dress and pulling it off of her hips and throwing it to the ground, letting it rest with the remainder of my clothes.

"We're going to do this," she said, breaking the kiss again as she tried to catch her breath. "We're finally going to do this ..."

"And just think," I said softly, eyes meeting hers and slowly traveling down her body, down to the nude bra and matching panties, her legs entwined with mine, "you no longer have to watch the movie to get turned on."

She hit me playfully at my joke, sitting up and grabbing my face, kissing me hard on the mouth as I gripped her, hands reaching for her bra and unhooking it, pulling the fabric away from between us. I felt her breasts against my skin, and that was all I needed.

Just tell me which way you like that
All you gotta do is
Tell me which way you like that
Do you like it like this?
Do you like it like that?
Tell me which way you like that
Tell me which way you like that

She groaned as I reached between us, cupping her breasts and bending to push her back down on the bed, feeling her lithe body arch under me as I took a nipple in my mouth, sucking and licking while I reached for the other, not leaving it behind.

"God, Justin," she said lowly, hands gripping my shoulders. "Why did I push you away for so long?"

I laughed at this, looking up as she let her hands travel to my hips, gripping the fabric of my boxer-briefs and using her feet as aids to release my erection completely. She pulled me further up her body, hand traveling down my body and gripping the shaft, slowly pumping as I let my eyes close, close to release. This was really happening. God, it felt so good.

She released my dick much to my protest, the smirk on her face saying it all as she grabbed my hands, placing them on her hips as I pulled the barely there fabric away from her, feeling the wetness between her legs as she pressed me against her by pushing on the small of my back. "See what you do to me?"

I swallowed, nodding. "I'm pretty sure you can feel what you do to me ..."

You can't stop, baby
You can't stop once you turn me on
And your enemies are your thoughts, baby
So just let 'em go
'Cause all I need is a moment alone
To give you my tone
And put you out of control
And after you let it in
We'd be skin to skin
It's so natural

She grinned, kissing me as I brought my hand down, cupping her heat as she groaned against my mouth, back arching as I let a finger enter her heat, feeling her walls clamp against me, thumb caressing her clit as she bit her lip, legs spreading and granting me more access as I let another finger enter, she moaning my name in the only way I ever wanted to hear my name ever again. She seemed to grow a little more tight as she reached her first orgasm, biting down on my shoulder and crying out my name again.

"Oh, God," she moaned, and that was all it took for me to drive my dick into her, thrusting in an even motion as she rocked her hips with mine, bringing my hand up and tasting her in my mouth, it pushing my thrusting to an even faster speed.

She's hopped up on me
I've got her in my zone
Her body's pressed up on me
I think she's ready to blow
Must be my future sex, love sound
And when it goes down
Baby, all you gotta do is
Just tell me which way you like that
All you gotta do is
Tell me which way you like that
Do you like it like this?
Do you like it like that?
Tell me which way you like that
Tell me which way you like that

I felt the pressure build up, her moans from beneath me bringing me quicker to the point as her nails raked down my back, leaving a burning sensation that felt so good. "God, San, I'm gonna ..." I bit my lip, she pressing me against her and pressing her mouth against mine, every so often crying out as I thrust in and out of her. I felt my orgasm boil over, calling out her name as I continued thrusting, she following shortly after, we both breathless as I lay against her, breasts hard against my skin.

"We're all sweaty," she said softly, laughing. "How about a shower?"

I don't think I had ever been excited for a shower any other time but this one.

*Alisan*

My head was pounding. A loud, monotone thump-type pounding that didn't seem to want to stop. It was painless, but annoying. So annoying that even mentally blocking it out didn't seem to work. I heard mumbling from beside me, felt an arm grip my naked waist and jumped slightly. Wake up calls.

"Go away, Lonnie!" I called, turning on my side as the arm gripping my waist pulled me closer, up against more bare skin. "We're up!"

"Good!"

I heard him walk away, his heavy footsteps making their rounds in the hall. Surely enough, about ten seconds later, his loud pounding was heard once again. I grumbled, picking up my pillow and throwing it over my head, hearing objections from behind me. "Sorry, J," I mumbled, pressing the pillow down to my ear once more as he buried his face in my neck, playfully gnawing at the skin as I squirmed, laughing. "What are you, a vampire?"

"Only for your sweet blood," he said, voice still grainy from sleep. "What time is it?"

I lifted my head up from underneath the pillow, reaching for my Blackberry. "8."

He groaned, pulling himself away from me and letting the body heat escape with him. I protested against his absence, back now cool. "Come on, sleepy. We've got twenty minutes before we have to be down to check out and another ten before we have to get to the car. Get your stuff together."

"Can't you?" I mumbled, eyes settling on the two bags that I claimed as my own sat in the corner of the room, looking as if they had exploded. Justin had begged me to move my things into his room so that neither of us would have to continue our little affair by sneaking back and forth, since most of the lurking people with camera's seemed to come out and pry into his business, trying to figure out who the 'mysterious Alisan girl' was and why she was on tour with him, while Katie was back at home.

I felt guilty. I know that Lucas and I are basically over; that had been said and done weeks ago. He and Katie weren't serious, but they were pretty close to losing the casual status and moving forward into serious. With our little ... well, not so little adventure (make that adventures) between the sheets, both will probably be gone within the week.

"Alisan," he called, voice way too perky for me at this time in the morning. "Come on!" He gripped the blankets, pulling them from me and laughing as I kept a firm grip on the comforter, covering my naked body. "Oh, come on - it's not cold in here!"

"It is when you're naked!"

"What do you think I am? Dressed for winter?" He asked as I turned my head, catching his hip lines and the contours going down to his pelvis, unable to hide the smirk on my face. "That, you aren't," I said, the smile forming wider as he stood there, shaking his head. "What?! You're just, standing there as if you're supposed to!"

"Well, how do you supposed I get dressed? Summon the clothes to me?"

"It could happen."

He laughed, walking towards me and crawling onto the bed, pulling the comforter over himself as he sprawled on top of me, placing soft kisses on my face. "Or I could just cover myself with you ..."

"Right, 'cause that's any more appropriate," I laughed, rolling my eyes as he nudged my nose gently upward, making it so I tilted my chin upward so my mouth was in his access. I reached up, holding the back of his neck and running my fingers through his short hair, he giving me a sweet smile before kissing me. "Weren't you just trying to get me out of bed?" I laughed, pulling my head away as I studied him. He looked happy, refreshed. "Doing this is not gonna make me want to leave this bed ..."

"You're right," he said, knees nudging my legs apart as he rested between them and placed himself at my entrance, "so we'll make this quick. Instead of twenty minutes, we'll have five."

"Justin -" I stopped as I felt him enter me, biting my lip as he grinned triumphantly, keeping eye contact as he kept the thrusts at a medium pace. I would have objected if he hadn't felt so good, wrapping my legs around his waist and letting him continue, gripping his shoulders and inhaling as I felt him begin to assault my neck (adding on to the more hickies near my collarbone that was sure to spark some controversy).

The first time we slept together was not the last, as this moment proves. It was probably the tenth, maybe even more in the middle teens. We just couldn't seem to get enough of each other, though the sex seemed to be more fast-paced and erotic rather than slow and passionate. Our kisses were always passionate, but with the people buzzing around the hotel and never knowing when someone would be knocking on the door looking for him, it was now or never to even attempt.

I wasn't complaining. We had a full day to ourselves (with interruptions) without practicing for a show or interviews to do whatever we wanted, but majority rule usually kept us at cuddling in fear that we'd be in the middle of it and not be able to finish.

This wasn't an exception.

"You guys gonna join us anytime soon or are you gonna continue to sleep?!"

He continued thrusting, face in the midst of one of passion as I released my lip. He placed his head on my collarbone, grumbling obsceneties under his breath as I inhaled, trying to steady my voice as I answered, "we're putting our stuff in our bags!"

"All right!"

"God," he mumbled, "oh, God ..." I felt his fingers grip onto me tightly as we both reached climax, he collapsing against me and pulling on top of him, kissing my mouth hard. "I don't think we'll ever have time to ourselves until we get home ..."

"Which will probably be limited since you'll have family coming to see you after your long absence ... and Trace. Not to mention JC and all your other buddies ..."

He tilted his head, licking and nipping at my neck gently as he groaned, already hating the idea. "Can I just tell them I'm staying here a day and they can all go back? Let us have a day alone?"

I laughed, pulling myself away as I wrapped the blanket around my chest and got up, he left with a sheet covering his still somewhat erect member. I noticed this and grinned, he reddening slightly as a hand went down to cover it in somewhat modesty, watching as I walked into the bathroom, cleaning myself up and dressing in a tank top and skirt, preparing for the immense heat that would greet us as soon as we stepped outside. "Not a chance. They all know you've prepared for your homecoming for months now. As I recall, you are also planning a party for tomorrow night when we get home."

"Like that's gonna keep my sleep schedule in synch," he said, getting up and grabbing a pair of pants, pulling them on, a t-shirt following. "I'll never understand why everyone has to be on different time zones. Why can't they just make the AM and PM different? It'd be so much more easier for me to cope with."

"Highly doubted," I laughed, reaching for my things that sat on the counter near the mirror in the hall. If we went home, would everything just settle between us and just burn out? Or would this actually continue? Suddenly, I was doubting everything and was unsure of anything that was occurring in my life at the moment. Did he still love me, or was this just some sort of thing he let fade and let happen because it could and it did? "J," I said finally, he appearing a few moments later with a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth and some paste hinting on his lips, "what is gonna happen to us when we go back home? Is it going to be like before ... or completely different? Are we going to last?"

He disappeared for a second, reappearing in front of me and walking up to me, holding my face in his hands. "Nothing is ever going to be the same between us again," he said softly, smoothing my knotty and disheveled hair. "It's going to be better, it's going to be what it should have been."

"Should have been ..." I looked up at him, eyes burning into mine as he kissed me sweet and slow, bottom lip lingering on mine before he pulled away completely, nuzzling his face against the side of mine, mouth by my ear. "We should have been ... together?"

"You and me. Together. That's how it should have been a long time ago. You're my girl. I wish I would have told you a long time ago how I felt, because I know you wouldn't have been as scared ..."

"Why wouldn't I have been?"

"Because you didn't have that whole 'being alone for the rest of my life' thing stuck in your head. When I told you after JC said I needed to, I knew it wasn't gonna happen, though I prayed it would. JC was one person I never wanted to hurt, but I knew you had to be mine."

I laughed, shaking my head against his. "I was sure you were going to tell me you are in love with him or something. Get some juicy Chalake action going on or something ..."

"No, no, no," Justin laughed, gripping me still. "I love JC like a mentor, a big brother, my family. That's as far as that love goes."

"Well, I'm very happy about that because I would have been in love with two gay men who were in love with each other or something ..."

He pulled away, shaking his head in disbelief with a smile on his face. "C isn't gay, I'm not gay. You don't need to worry about that. Besides, he's dating some girl named Brooke now. He's off limits for me." He faked a sad expression, poking my sides as he began to grin, we both jumping as Lonnie began knocking again. "Lon! Dude, we're almost ready to go! Give us two minutes!"

"You need to be down there in two minutes!"

"Then the world will wait!" He called, turning on his heel and disappearing back into the main stretch of the room as I zipped up my smaller bag, turning and grabbing my purse and heading back into the main room, giving Justin a smile as he zipped up my last bag. "Thanks, J."

"No problem, baby," he said, catching the look on my face at the name he had called me. "What?"

"Nothing," I shrugged, walking over to him and kissing him hard on the mouth. "I just ... I've never been called that before in that context."

"Well, get used to it," he grinned. "C'mon, we've gotta jet before Lon has you and I both up on his mantle." He grabbed his bags, throwing them out into the hallway as a bellboy came with a cart to carry all his belongings in, reaching for mine and tossing them on top of his.

"What about Katie?" I asked suddenly, he gripping my hand and turning to me as we followed the bell boy, he making sure he had all his belongings as he stopped, panicked. "Shit, I forgot my cell phone and Blackberry -"

"Nope," I grinned, lifting up my purse and patting it. "I picked them up last night and tossed them in. I figured you'd forget them."

"You're a genius," he laughed, turning around and continuing his trek behind the other man. "And Katie ... is history. She actually broke up with me last night."

"This wouldn't be the argument you were having while I was in the shower, was it?"

"Actually, yeah," he said, slowing down his steps so we were a bit further behind the bell boy. "How'd you know?"

"I heard."

"Sorry. I didn't think I was being that loud."

"What happened?"

"Well, we weren't serious, so it wasn't like she couldn't see other people, and I couldn't, either ... she met someone, on top of seeing the tabloids about you and I. She knew I was in love with you, she saw that I finally had you -"

"Wait ... what tabloid?"

"The Enquirer," he said, laughing. "What's funny is that 90% of the story was true. Said something about you being a dancer for me, which took off a few percent, how we've been sleeping together since the beginning of the tour, which also took a few points, and that Katie was my serious girlfriend of almost a year and had been cheating on her with you since the beginning. Everything else, talking about how you and I always had a thing for each other, you being a dancer, being Alyssa's cousin ... was all true. It basically was just 'a source said this' and 'a source said that' kind of crap. The picture from us at the beach surfaced with us kissing and she saw it. She wasn't really mad about that ... she was more mad that I hadn't told her that you were here. Go figure."

"Oh."

"But basically, she broke it off before I could, which really doesn't bother me at all. She's been kind of seeing some guy from her job that was just hired and she really likes him so she's gonna try serious with him. Like she needed to tell me, because I didn't really care, but you know ..."

"Well ... I don't," I said, he turning and looking at me weirdly. "I don't know that you don't care, that's all I'm saying."

He released my hand, and I felt our first argument as a couple brewing. "J, I didn't mean it in an untrusting way -"

"I chose you," he said, voice low. "I chose you, I want to be with you. I don't care what she does."

"I know you chose me," I said, trying to laugh and lighten up the situation as the bell boy stopped to look at us, he hitting the down button of the elevator as Justin pulled me through the doors of the stairwell. 20 floors? Really? "J, 20 floors is a lot -"

"I don't want you questioning me about this, San," he said, pushing me up against the wall near the door. "It took me years to finally get the balls to say something to you, months to get you. I'm not gonna fuck this up. I need you. I want you. I love you more than anything on this entire planet. You are more important to me than my music, my label, my entire career. Just, know that, okay?"

I gripped his wrists that rested on my shoulders, pressing gently down on me to keep in place so that I wouldn't fidget and miss something he'd say. "All right. J, I wasn't trying to cause an argument, I just -"

"I know. I just had to settle that before it even became something that neither of us wanted to deal with."

I nodded. "All right."

"I love you."

I felt the butterflies, heart pounding heavily. I had heard him tell me numerous times beforehand: before his admittance, after his admittance; but he had never said it to me since that night. It felt right, it felt good, felt electrifying. "I love you, too."

He grinned, kissing me sweetly before pulling me away from the wall and back towards the elevators. "Good. Now, let's get downstairs before Lonnie hunts us down and shoots us."


Needless to say, Lonnie was standing at the door, cracking his knuckles and staring at us like two teenagers who had just broken curfew and were about to be grounded for eternity. With a sweet smile from me and Justin promising a pay raise, Lonnie nonchalantly waved us away as he foresaw all the luggage being handled properly and not opened to peek through. We sat down in the plane and hour and some minutes later, hearing the roar of the engine as I clenched my eyes shut, the take off my least favorite part as I felt Justin's hand slide down my arm to my hand, resting on top of mine as I turned mine, gripping it tightly.

"It'll be fine," he whispered to me, bringing our hands to his lips, kissing my hand gently. "Everything will be fine. We'll get through this, just like everything else."

And I believed him.

*Justin*

It felt good to be home. So good that I almost fell to my knees and kissed my own sidewalk, my driveway, my door. They looked so welcoming, so much like what I was used to - I may have wanted to stay in Australia a bit longer, but nothing beat being somewhere comfortable, somewhere where you felt you always belonged. I knew that kissing the objects I planned on kissing would probably be a bad idea, so instead, I walked up to Alisan, who was just about to turn the knob on said door, took her hand, pulled her to me, and kissed her. I kissed her long and hard. It basically made up for the kissing that i wouldn't get in on kissing every little object in my home that I had taken advantage of and forgotten while on tour, it all falling onto her lips instead of wood, metal or even plastic.

Hell, porcelain, too. Though, I would never kiss my toilet. No matter how clean it is.

'Cause I need you now

I needed her. I already knew that this relationship wasn't going to be like the others. I knew there would be times where she'd want space, but me ... I don't think I'd ever want to be away from her for long. She made me feel alive, loved, inspired. She always made sure that I knew she wanted to be near me, just like now. That she wanted company even in the smallest thing - just to feel me there with her.

Hearts will bind you there to remind you
Of where you stand

I wanted to wake up beside her every morning. Wanted to fall asleep next to her every night. Wanted to hold her, and smell her familiar scents each moment I got.

Everything seemed better, clearer now. Maybe I wasn't as happy as I thought I had been before her. Maybe I didn't let myself be as happy because of her.

I knew I couldn't rely on her for everything ... my happiness, especially, but it was nice to know that one person, one woman could make a man happier than he ever imagined being. It was an amazing feeling, one that I hoped that every person would be able to experience at least once in their lives. It was one that you never would forget.

I opened my eyes again, turning my head and looking over at the clock on the wall. It was nearing noon, and I was pretty sure my mom was flying in and would be here by five. I could squeeze a pretty long nap in before then. It sounded more and more welcoming as I thought about it, my eyes dropping slowly with each passing second.

I dropped my hand back down to my side from above my head, turning my head and placing a kiss on her forehead, the smile on my face unmistakable to anyone. Nothing could take this smile away from me. Nothing.

Each morning as I wake
The sun is always brighter when you stay

*Alisan*

"They're here!"

I turned my head from pulling the two pizzas from the oven, hearing Justin's kiddish squeal as he ran from the living room towards the front door, ready to greet his family and best friends who had all seemed to arrive at the exact same moment as if it had been planned all along. Laughter and loud smacks from kisses were heard as he greeted his mother and grandmother; firm handshakes and the so-called manly hugs to follow with Paul, Trace and JC.

Manly. Justin talked more on the phone with Trace and JC than he did with his own mother. They were like family, and seriously, a hug is a hug. Hugging someone because you missed them doesn't label you something you're not. Hug the men, damnit.

From my understanding, Joey, Lance, Chris and their respective significant others (wife, partner, girlfriend and let's not forget Brianna) would also be appearing shortly, cueing my retreat back into Justin's pantry towards the large freezer, grabbing three more pizza's to cook.

It would have been so much easier with a larger, restaurant-sized oven.

I cried aloud as I accidently gripped the rack of the hot oven, immediately placing my palm into cool water and cursing under my breath. Great, like I need any more scars on my body. Let's add one looking like a checker box on my palm to make it festive.

"Little girl, did I not tell you to wear mitts when you're playing around in the oven?"

I felt a smile form on my face in spite of the burning sensation on my hand, turning to greet the woman standing in front of me. "Lynn!"

"Hi, sweetheart," she smiled as I walked away from the running water, hugging the woman tightly. "How are you? Cooking up the mutual territory kind of food?"

I laughed, reaching behind me and turning the water off and nodding. "That's if, if it doesn't burn all my skin off, first ..."

"Speaking of," she said, reaching down and taking my wrist, turning it over so that my palm was upward. "It's not too bad. C'mon, let's go put some burn gel on it and let Mama Harless deal with the rest -"

"No, I can't let you do that," I said, still letting her lead me into the bathroom to tend to the burn, "I'm playing hostess to Justin's entertainer. I can get it -"

"I know you can. But I'd like to help. I hate sitting around while the men talk about stuff that lacks importance to me," she laughed. "Right now, they're discussing whether or not to get beer on draft for Justin's party or to just get cases upon case."

"My kind of conversation," I scoffed, she laughing slightly from in front of me as I sat down on the side of the tub, nursing my hand. She reaching in for his first aid kid, sitting down on the toilet as she sorted through the assorted medical necessities for what she had been looking for. "Thank you for doing this."

"What are mama's for?" She grinned, holding onto my wrist as she placed the gel onto the burn, immediately feeling relief. She reached for some gauze as she studied it, smirking. "My little accident prone Alisan," she said sympathetically, smirking. "It's gonna blister a bit, I think," she said, eyeing parts of the burn. "I'm going to put a light layer of gauze on it so the gel stays on it."

Before I could even reply, she had started to wrap my hand a few times, we both looking up at a familiar presence that had made himself known with a click of his tongue. "Hey, JC," Lynn had drawled in her southern accent that I had come to love dearly. It made me miss mine - the remainder of it a broken southern belle-type accent with Californian thrown in for good measure. "What brings you here? Beer boring you?"

"Beer could never bore me," he grinned as Lynn got up, cleaning up what she had taken out and placing everything back in the cabinet. "Justin went upstairs to grab something and Paul, Trace and Grams are all in the living room. I just came in to see my friend who I haven't seen in weeks."

"I see how it is," Lynn faked hurt, "you don't see your second mother in months, and all I got was a 'Hi, Lynn' with a little hug? You come in here to see her ..." She shook her head, smiling as she squeezed his arm, looking back at me. "You and I need to talk later on, okay? Nothing bad, just catching up."

"Oh ..." I looked at her retreating form, confused. "Okay."

"So what did you do now?" JC sat down on the toilet hands resting over his legs as he studied my hand. "Cut yourself?"

"No," I shook my head, looking down at the now somewhat painful throb happening over the gel, "burned myself on the oven."

"Oh," he said simply, bringing his eyes up to me and smiling. "I missed seeing you."

I felt my stomach warm up at his words, giving him a smile and meaning it. "I missed you too, Jace."

"You look pretty," he observed as I stood up, smoothing down my pair of black jeans as I cocked my head to the side, unsure of his compliments. "Pink is a good color on you," he said, referring to the sweater I had on, glancing out the window and wishing snow would grace it's presence down upon us.

Wishful thinking, Alisan. Wishful thinking.

"Should I not say stuff like that?" He asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion. "I just thought that -"

"No, it's fine," I laughed, "thank you. I was just ... wishing snow would appear."

"In LA? Never."

"I know."

"Can you believe it's already December? Christmas is like, two weeks away."

"I know," I said, turning to look at him as he studied me. "What?"

"I don't know, I just ... I haven't seen you so happy in a long time. It's ..."

I waited for him to finish, his lack of words puzzling as I leaned into him and hugged him tightly, he reciprocating it fully. "Well, what about you? How are things with Brooke? Is that the lady of the hour?"

He laughed nervously, shaking his head. Sometimes, it really did bother me that JC tended to have a problem with keeping relationships. I knew he was scared of deep commitment, of marriage ... and with his age, and the age of women he dated, it was a wonder why the didn't leave sooner. He was an amazing man, with a kind soul, but it was a dead-end relationship and they all knew it. Here, he was thirty-one-years-old and hasn't kept a relationship going for more than six months in the last few years.

He'd be an amazing person to marry. If only he could see that. And find someone who could show him that.

"I really have missed you."

I broke from my trance, looking at him ... really looking at him. He looked tired, ten years older than he really was ... this wasn't the JC I had remembered from months ago. "I know," I said softly, leaning into him and hugging him tightly. "What's wrong, darling dear? You seem lost ..."

"I'm not lost," he said, shaking his head and licking his lips. "I just ... I've had a lot on my mind and on my plate these past few weeks and I really don't know how to cope. It's driving me crazy and I feel as if I'm going to lose it if I don't figure out how to handle it soon."

"Jace," I took his hand, pulling him into the bathroom and shutting the door behind us. "What's going on? You're not thinking about suicide, are you?"

He let his shoulders raise slowly and drop almost just as slow, eyes never meeting mine. "I'd never do that, Aly. I've just felt like ... sometimes, there is only one answer. It's kind of like suicide. But I don't think I could ever bring myself to that, so you don't have to worry -"

"I always worry -"

"I know," he said, cutting me off. "Just, don't, okay? I wouldn't. I couldn't. I'm too chicken to even do something about that kind of thing."

I swallowed hard, licking my lips and watching as he did the same, noticing how dry and chapped his lips seemed. God, why hadn't anyone noticed this on him before? This was not my JC. "What's on your mind, Jace? You know you can tell me anything. Tell me what's going on in that beautiful little head of yours."

He brought his eyes up to me, and I could only hold back the gasp as I noticed how incredibly dark and transparent his eyes looked. They looked as if they were part of the black hole, a never ending circle of deep blue that, although you thought you could see to the bottom, it was just an illusion and you lost yourself and nearly lost it all.

"I can't."

"Jace, please." I reached forward, gripping his clammy, lifeless hands that hung as I held them. "Please."

"Please, don't make me." He looked down, and I could have sworn I saw a tear drop fall. "I can't do this ... it's not worth it."

Take what you need
'Cause I can't hold my breath

"You're worth it. To me, it's all worth it." I paused, hearing laughter down the hallway as I brought my attention back at his face, studying it for any sign of breakage. "Joshua Scott, please. You're scaring me."

"Never in my entire life would I ever want to hurt you. Or Justin," he said softly, licking his lips once more. "You and Justin are the only things I've got here that have kept me from moving closer to home, living the life that I dreamed when our group went on hiatus. I had this dream in front of me, and suddenly, this dream, I willingly gave up for another friend's happiness because he meant more to me than myself and I watched him build up as I slowly crumbled ... and now I can't take it anymore; I can't take what I did to myself."

Say what you feel
'Cause I've got nothing left

"What did you do?" I released my grip from his hands, they falling limply to his sides and he looked away, hiding his face with a hand as he pressed fingers into his eyes. "What did you do?!"

He sighed deeply, pursing his lips and then biting his lower lip, "I let myself fall in love with you."

I looked at him in disbelief, eyes wide. "Excuse me?"

"Everything all right in there?"

I jumped at Justin's voice, hands shaking at my sides as I let the words settle. "We're fine, J. Just talking."

"All right. Well, the pizza is almost done."

"Okay," I called, shocked at how calm I kept myself and my voice. "We'll be out in a minute."

I stood there, waiting until Justin had disappeared and looked back at JC, leaning forward and hitting him hard upside the head. "What the hell were you thinking? How could you fall in love with me? You showed no interest!"

"I always felt for you," he said, frowning. "I just, I didn't feel it as greatly as I did when I realized you were no longer within my reach. I never wanted to say anything because I never wanted to drag you down a road we knew would end, but then I felt so horrible after a while and I realized that maybe you were different ..."

I hit him again. And again. He cried out in protest, grabbing my wrists and stopping me from more assault as he looked at me hard in the face. "I can't believe you -"

"I can't believe me, either."

And if I lose it all
There'll be nothing left to lose
And I would take the fall
'Cause knowing you are out there breathing
It's so wonderful
It's a chance I take even if I break
And if I lose it all
If I lose it all ...
It wouldn't matter anyway

"You all right?"

I turned to look at Justin as he stood in the bedroom doorway later on that night, studying me as I sat on the edge of the bed, head hung low. "I'm fine," I said, forcing a smile. "What makes you think otherwise?"

"I don't know," he said softly, crossing the room and sitting down next to me as he slid a comforting hand up my shirt and peeling it off, pulling me against his chest as he kneaded gentle circles into my upper back. "Whatever it is, it's weighing heavily on your shoulders," he replied, pressing harder as I hissed out in pain. "Talk to me."

"I'm all right," I said, now feeling a bit better as his touches continued on my back, comforting me in ways that words could never do.

"Really?"

"Really, really." I pulled away, locking eyes with him as he nuzzled his nose against mine, eyes closed as I kissed both eyelids, leaning my forehead against his.

I loved Justin. JC was our best friend. JC loved me.

What was I going to do?

Don't change a thing
Perfect as you are
Time has a way
Time is all I've got
If my heart should shatter watching you
There'd be one less thing I'd have to prove

I felt tears form in my eyes as I thought of the predicament I was in now. JC was miserable because of his best friend's happiness; his best friend got the one thing he had realized he needed more than imagined.

And I was the one thing that answered both of their interests for love.

"Hey," he said softly, pulling away and tipping my chin so that I was looking at him. "No tears. What's going on?"

I shook my head, placing my head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around me, caressing my face gently as the silent tears fell. "I'm all right."

He knew I was lying, but just like the man he is, he didn't push for a response. Pushing would bring on more tears, and he knew that I knew no man could handle more tears than anything.

And if I lose it all
There'll be nothing left to lose
And I would take the fall
'Cause knowing you are out there breathing
It's so wonderful
It's a chance I take, even if I break
And I lose it all
If I lose it all ...

Bringing my face back up to his and cupping his cheeks in my hands, I studied the beautiful face that had loved me for so long, let him look at me as he always did ... wondering why suddenly I'm deserving of two of the most amazing, beautiful men's hearts. Why suddenly, it seemed that there would be a battle to the death: JC's broken heart against Justin's.

Neither way seemed to be a winner to me.

"San, whatever it is," he said softly, tone breaking my thoughts once more, "you'll get through it. You're strong and you'll know what to do. You always do."

I wrapped my arms around him, placing my mouth against his as I kissed him softly, holding the kiss as he fell slowly backward onto the bed, arms holding onto me so that I'd never go.

Heaven will be waiting
When I fall into your open arms
I believe you'll find me there
You'll find me there

I want to be back to my old life where none of this occurred. I want to go back to a time where none of this seemed real.

I want to be five again.

"I love you," he said softly, breaking the liplock and brushing hair away from my face and behind my ear. "I love you more than you can imagine."

Pretty much.

I kissed him again, tasting my salty tears on our lips and inhaling at the same time.

If this was some shitty dream and I was part of some obscene prank, get me the hell out of here.

*Justin*

It was bitter cold outside. It surprised me, actually. Being in the area I lived in for so long, I was used to some cold fronts coming through, but normally, seeing frost on the windows was a different thing to see. I can't say that I wasn't welcoming it after all the sun I had seen all year.

Though, cold makes my mood drop severely.

But not as much as San's mood. For the past few weeks or so, she had been more quiet than usual, looking lost in her thoughts and troubled everywhere she went. I knew that she received a phone call from her mother saying that her dad was pretty sick, they giving him a life expectancy anywhere from six months to a year, but he had been sick for a long time and she wasn't very close to the complete opposite of her. She had been bummed all day after that phone call, but as she had said, life goes on, but it didn't seem to go on very well for her.

Numerous times I had asked her what was wrong, if something was bothering her, but she never said anything to make me believe that what came out of her mouth was anything but true. She was still affectionate to me, but she seemed a bit disconnected. Her warmth had cooled quite noticeably, tone dulled dramatically. She seemed less social towards my friends, JC, especially - which shocked the hell out of me. Up until a few weeks ago, around the time of her father's news, she and JC were still very social towards each other.

I pondered if maybe the two of them had fought, both sides completely stubborn and it would not phase me to hear that their silent treatments towards each other were the reasons why they hadn't talked; she was still pissed, she needed to cool off. But, I thought more, and even the way she looked at me was different: she looked at me as if she were trying to piece a puzzle together, to figure something out. No longer did she look at me like I was something treasured that was lost so long ago and suddenly found. I was no longer that light in her eye.

It had to be me.

I heard the front door open and close quickly, Alisan's protests to the cold echoing throughout the downstairs as I imagined her toeing off her shoes and peeling her coat away from her body, lazily throwing it on the rail going up the stairs. She'd toss her purse, keys to follow as she'd approach the kitchen and towards the back room where I was and -

"I hate cold weather."

Turning my head with a slight smile on my mouth, I met her dull eyes as she sat down next to me. Suddenly, I was tired. Suddenly, I was sick to my stomach and didn't want to deal with anything.

Suddenly, I felt like I had made a wrong decision. Was she not happy with me? Was she beginning to feel for JC what she had felt earlier but had pushed away from the miniscule feelings she had for me?

God, I felt like a loser.

I turned to look at her, she staring straight ahead at the television as we watched 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' for the upteenth time since Christmas had passed almost a week ago. She loved the movie, and I tolerated it because of her love for it. She was still dressed in the hunter green cable knit sweater my mom had sent her for Christmas, along with a pair of black pants, her feet no longer covered as she curled them underneath her backside, the deep red of her toenail polish evident from just barely underneath her. Her wild hair had been tame for most of the day, it now slightly wild and piled on top of her head in a clip. Her eyes were watching the television, ignoring my stare or completely oblivious of it.

Reaching for her hand, I felt her grip onto mine and turn to look at me then, every so oftne glancing back at the television. "I love you," I said softly, and for the first time, I saw the dull barrier in her eyes break, saw the light I had seen in them before. But, just as quickly as the light appeared, they dulled again. "You know that, right? And that you can talk to me about anything?"

She finally kept contact with my gaze, nodding slowly and squeezing my hand. "I love you, too. And I know."

I licked my lips. I never pushed her to talk, but I had to. This had to stop. "Then talk to me. I want to know what's going on in your head, what's making you so ... unlike you."

Her face paled and I knew I had her. She knew I knew something was bothering her. "I'm all right, Justin. I'm just worrying about my dad -"

"I know that's not it," I said quickly, she looking at me in shock as I said it. "I don't know why you won't tell me, but I promise you, you aren't alone. You're not by yourself, San; I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

She toyed with the earrings I had bought her for Christmas, seeing tears form in her eyes as she shook her head. "I know."

"Then what is going on?"

She looked over at me, shaking her head. "Don't worry about it, okay? I'm taking care of it. Nothing big."

"Alisan -"

"Stop." She said, voice firm, yet soft. "Just, stop pushing me."

"Fine." I said softly, getting up and walking away towards the kitchen. I needed a beer.

I don't know when we fell apart
The love that we had was like a work of art
I used to see heaven in your eyes
Now angels are falling from your skies

I didn't know what was going on. She was never this hidden, this reserved. This wasn't my Alisan. I didn't like this one. I wanted to take her back and get my old Alisan back.

"I'm sorry."

I looked up, seeing her small form standing in the archway, looking like a defeated child. "For what? Obviously it's none of my business."

"I've got personal demons right now," she said softly, eyes staring right through me. She didn't know how to approach me anymore. "I just don't want you to have to worry."

"Well, that's too bad and too late. I already am." I took a swig of the beer, watching her form over the bottle as she shifted nervously from foot to foot. I brought the bottle down, waiting for her to say more. "And as I can see, your silence really settles where I actually am in your life."

And, now I don't need a beer.

"Justin, come on," she said softly as she followed me through the house towards the upstairs. I was right. Her jacket was on the rail, purse and keys tossed forgottenly on the couch. I knew her too well.

But now, it feels like I don't know her at all.

"Justin, please -"

"Leave me alone," I mumbled, walking up the stairs and towards my bedroom, it once the both of ours but suddenly just felt like mine again. "I need to deal with my own demons." I pushed at the door to close it, hearing her stop it with her hand as she followed me in. Suddenly, I had enough. "What is it, Alisan?! Do you not love me anymore? Is that it? Do you hate me because you're with me? That I took your beloved JC away from your dream of love with him? Well then damnit, go to him! I am obviously not what you want anymore."

The things we said were so wrong
And I haven't held you for so long
My foolish pride turns me inside
Why did we tell all those lies?

She stood there, dumbfounded. After a long silence, she spoke, her tone loud. I actually took a step back at her loudness. "Are you serious? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you actually think I don't love you anymore? God, Justin, I love you more than I thought I ever could love somebody! I could not fathom loving someone like I love you! I could never hate you for coming after me like you did! You showed me that I deserved love! I can't believe you'd think that I would stop loving you!"

"Sure as hell seems like it," I mumbled, watching as she crossed the room to stand in front of me. "You hide shit from me like I'm actually going to hate you for telling me."

"Stop it," she put her hand to my mouth, silencing me as I opened my mouth to argue some more. "J, I love you. I love you so much, okay? Just ... remember that."

I watched as her face fell with tears forming in her eyes, she crumbling before me as I gripped her waist, holding her up. "Alisan, please, just ... tell me what's going on," I said softly, she shaking her head against my chest. "Why?"

"I can't," she said softly. "I don't want to ruin things. Just, let me figure it out, okay? Let me deal with this on my own. Let me have this."

"It's not about me?"

"No."

"Okay," I said softly, she pulling away from my chest and putting her nose against mine, mouth finding mine shortly after. I pulled away, licking the taste of cinammon from my lips, remembering her drinking spiced apple cider earlier. "Promise me you'll come to me if you can't deal with it alone," I said softly. "Promise me that."

She nodded, looking down at our entangled bodies as she held my face. "I promise."

"Good," I said softly, capturing her lips again. Pivoting, I turned so that she was against the edge of the bed, slowly lowering her to the mattress, not once breaking the kiss.

I had to prove to her that I wasn't going anywhere. This was our time to be alone, our time to take ... time. This wasn't going to be rushed and it was not going to be like it normally was.

It's so hard to believe
We're staring at the end
When all we think about is starting up again
Whatever we lost, we were apart
We'll find it all alone in the dark

I took her clothes off painfully slow as I let her undress me, hands traveling gently against her skin and making a map of the places I had gone and wished to go again, she gripping my back as I went from one breast to another, holding onto her as if she'd run away if she escaped my grasp.

"Justin," I heard her say softly as I pulled away from her body, half-lidded eyes slowly traveling up my back and neck to the back of my head, raking her fingers through my hair as I let my eyes drop, her fingers like heaven. "Justin, look at me," she said softly, waiting for me to meet her gaze once more. When I did, she spoke again. "Will you make love to me?"

I felt the slow smile grow on my face as the question settled, raising myself up so that I could kiss her passionately, let her feel each and every part of me that wanted her badly, wanted her to know that I was there. "Of course," I said softly, finishing off the kiss with another, this shorter and gentler. "I'll make love to you for the rest of my life."

She looked at me with tears in her eyes, a weak smile on her face as my smile melted away at her expression, now concerned. "Alisan -"

"I'm okay," she said, taking a deep breath as she reached up to my face, caressing my face. "Better than okay."

I wanted to believe her. In the heat of the moment, I let myself believe her, even when in the back of my mind I knew she wasn't. I'd get to the bottom of the problem. Tomorrow.

There's nothing more that I want from you
Than to lie here together
And stay here forever with you
There's no one I ever knew
That I wanted to spend Christmas with, more than you ...

The tears stayed throughout, even when I felt her clamp her legs tightly against me as she came and called out my name as she peaked and slowly came down. She seemed all right as I lie against her, she gently running her hands through my hair tiredly, we both spent. Even with the love making, this was my favorite part. She felt good against me, felt so good to call her mine. I turned on my back, pulling her against me, feeling her breasts flatten against my chest as she wrapped her arm around my chest, nearly lying on top of me as we both drifted slowly to dreamland.

She pulled herself up so that she was looking down at me, eyes burning into mine. "I love you," she said as if she had said it for the first time, making it sound more meaningful than I had heard from either of us, even though I knew we did each and every time. "Just, remember that."

"All right," I said, looking at her oddly as she lie her head back down. "I love you, too. I hope you remember that."

"I will."

I felt her tighten her grip on my hand. I knew I had a puzzled look on my face, feeling my eyebrows tense as I lie there, confused. Whatever was bothering her, I hope it would turn out all right soon. I didn't like this feeling of emptiness that Alisan had.


When I woke up the next morning, the other side of the bed was empty and cool. Had she been up for hours already? It didn't even seem like it was past eight, a rare thing for Alisan to be up at the time. "San?" I called groggily, hearing nothing but the faint ticking of the clock in the hallway. Had she gone out for breakfast for us? To the store, maybe? "Alisan, you here?"

Getting up, I felt something hard bump my hand. As I looked down, I took in the red Blackberry Pearl that I had bought her. Suddenly, I felt a lump in my throat and my stomach tighten up. Eyes darting around the room, I noticed the missing luggage that she had kept her things in, noticed that her perfumes were off of my dresser.

"Alisan!" I called again, pulling a pair of boxers on as I grabbed a sweatshirt, pulling it over my head as my bare feet echoed down the hardwood floors and down the stairs. "Alisan, where are you?"

When I reached the landing, I froze. Sitting on the coffee table in the sitting room was an envelope with her writing on it. The lump seemed to grow bigger as I slowly approached it, hands shaking. This ... this can't be good.

There's a thousand words that I could say
To make you come home
Seems so long ago you walked away
And left me alone
I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
Maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change

I picked up the envelope, pulling the flap out from inside it and pulled the small sheet of paper out. Suddenly, my mouth was dry, hands shook more than a normal earthquake, and my stomach was doing more flips than a gymnast. This can't be good. God, this can't be good.

Justin -

I know this is probably the most horrible way to do something like this ... to write a 'dear John' letter and expect it to go over well when you know it won't, especially when you know the person on the receiving end would be more than happy to listen to what you have to say and try and help you, even if it meant he being hurt in the long run after hearing what exactly brought this on ... but this is how I have to do it. I can't do this to you in person. I can't look at you and know that I put that pain in your face, the tears in your eyes ... I can't leave here with that in my mind.

I know you've noticed how I've been acting the past few weeks. There is an explanation, but it's not one you want to hear. Before you fear the worst, just believe me when I say that I've always been loyal, I've always loved you. There is nobody else in this sense. There is nobody but you that I'd rather spend my life with, even with the other sitting on the sidelines waiting for you to crash and burn ... waiting for me to call him in. The one person I love more than life itself is you, and if I can't love you without hurting someone else, it's not fair to me - you know that I hate to see other people upset. This is just a lose-lose situation and I can't bear to see you or the other person on wits end.

You are my world. My life. My best friend. You've always been there, you've always understood me. So please, understand that this is something I need to do. I need to be on my own for a while and sort my life out. I need to go home and make full amends with my father, introduce my life to myself, remember who I was before all of this began to crash down on me. You deserve so much, J; you don't deserve someone like me hurting you the way I am.

Last night meant the world to me. You mean the world to me ... I don't know how many times I can say that, how many times I can tell you I love you without making it sound superficial. I've loved you forever, I truly believe I have - that it just took you to make me understand what love was. I was born to love you, meant to have you in my life. When I get back to that life, I hope ... I hope you will accept me back in it, whatever terms it may be.

I know you're reading this and I know you're growing angrier by the minute. You're wanting to know who this other man is, why he suddenly has such an impact on my life ... but I can't tell you, just know that he doesn't mean as much as you do, but he does belong in my life.

You've opened my eyes and made me realize that being loved is the most incredible thing in the entire world - that it takes one person to have sex with another, but two to make love. I dreamt of marrying you, Justin ... did you know that? Dreamt that we'd marry and we'd have these beautiful children with this amazing life that everybody would be envious of because it was real. I know that it would have happened. You and I fit.

I'll be in Georgia for awhile. Please don't come and try to find me ... I need this time alone. You, of all people would understand. You have every right to be mad ... angry ... pissed ... but please, get over that and understand I'm only doing this for my sanity, for my heart.

You are my heart. You're every breath I breathe, every step I take. Don't ever forget that, Justin Randall. My best friend from the beginning, my best friend in the end.

I love you. More than words could say. Please, don't ever forget that - even if you move on and fall in love with some beautiful woman that deserves you more than me.

Always,

Alisan.

I felt tears in my eyes, but I didn't cry. What the hell was I supposed to do with this? She didn't want me to come after her, she didn't want me to worry about her. Well, both things I wanted to do. But, I was a big boy, I'd listen to her.

Was it something I said to make you turn away?
To make you walk out and leave me cold?
If I could just find a way to make it so that you were right here
Right now

Suddenly, I became very aware of how empty the house felt, how broken my heart was, and how bad my eyes burned. I sank onto the couch, letting the tears fall as I cried. I wanted my mom.

I've been sitting here, can't get you off my mind
I'm trying my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane, wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're gone

But the truth remains you're
... Gone

*Alisan*

I think Dorothy said it best when she said, "There's no place like home". It'd be true if it were the one place I dreaded going, knowing I'd have to face my demons once more and deal with more than I had on my plate. In fact, my plate was so full that many of my messes were now scattered all over my feet.

The small journey up my sidewalk to the large glass screen door that usually showed the even larger oak door stood in front of me, the living room evident from where I stood. My mother, who I had not seen since a few months ago, was sitting on the couch, knitting (the grandma thing to do - but don't get me started on that), while my father slept in his chair, looking like he was 80 years old. Yeah, this was the life I remembered: mundane, quiet and head bashing against the wall worthy.

When mom called with the news that my father's cancer had returned after three years and was ten times worse than before with the short life expectancy, I knew it was time to come to terms with my parents decision to basically disown my sister. That, and I needed to get away from the L.A. life to figure out what I wanted (or who, but I knew who I wanted) and how to go about getting it, fighting for it and not letting myself down.

The entire flight back, I was throwing up. Throwing up in the overwhelming thoughts of Justin waking and seeing my poor excuse of a letter that may as well have been written by a fourth grader, knowing that what I had written, he'd be so confused, so angry, so upset. I threw up when I saw his face in my mind the day he said he loved me, the day he kissed me and the day we finally slept together. I threw up for all the times when I felt like I didn't deserve him, but thanked God that I did.

Now, I know I don't deserve him. What woman in her right mind would leave a man who was madly in love with her just because the thought of ripping apart a friendship that went back two times longer than she knew him needed to stay intact?

Oh, yeah. Me.

"Alleycat?"

My head snapped up from staring at my feet as I fought back nausea once more, meeting my mother's eyes as I dropped my bags, shoulders slumped as I felt the tears I swore I wouldn't cry began to form in my eyes. "Hi, mom."

She looked surprised to see me, though she knew I was coming home to stay for a while. Then again, my mom always looked surprised. Maybe it was her eyebrows.

"Are you okay?"

I shrugged slowly, watching as she picked up two of my four bags that the taxi driver had helped me set down on the driveway, shifting onto one of her feet as she studied my face. "I guess."

"Alisan," she said softly, giving me a look only a mother could as I broke even more, the tears becoming sobs as she released the bags, stepping towards me and wrapping her arms around me, comforting me. "It'll all be okay, baby," she said softly, smoothing my head against the back of my head, "everything will work out and you'll go back to him. He loves you."

I cried harder, remembering how I had left before the sun had come up early this morning, placing a lingering kiss on his lips knowing I wouldn't for a long time, headed for my house, packed two more bags and locked up my house. Since I rented from a woman I worked with, she was going to let her daughter, who was around my age and doing an internship in L.A. stay there while I was gone. I had promised I'd be back by mid-year if my father was still okay, picked up my bags, and left. I remembered how ... soft and delicate his features were when I said my goodbye: how his eyelashes rested against his cheekbones just so; how his mouth turned up in a slight smile after I pulled away, almost afraid he'd wake up but remembering how deep of a sleeper he was.

I have never in my life been as scared as I was now. Before, I was scared to be loved by him and scared of a life I had assumed I accepted. Now, I was afraid that I'd never be loved by him again and was afraid that if I lost the one man in my life that had not necessarily let me down (just my sister), I wouldn't have the other man that had always helped me back up after all of my downs: let downs, fall downs, break downs. I was afraid that he'd get over me quickly, and even if word spread just enough for him to know something had happened to my father, he wouldn't care. Afraid that he'd never wait for me like I had hoped, that he'd get sick of playing games and force himself to get over me and that'd be the end of us.

"Come on," my mom said softly, bending down and picking up my bags again as I slowly knelt, picking up the last two, "let's get you inside and settled into your old room."

I nodded, following her quietly into the house and past my father, heading down the stairs to the basement turned large teenaged bedroom. It still looked the same from when I left it: collages of concert ticks and photos on one wall; collages of friends and the few past loves on another; movies lining another wall with the homemade shelves my father had made for me, though the wall was pretty much scarce with all my movies now at my house in L.A.

"I'll let you get settled in," my mom said softly as she watched me take in my room, "Lie down and take a nap, maybe it'll make you feel better." She kissed my forehead, smoothing my hair once more as she used her other hand to remove some of the eye make-up that had been on my lashes from last night.

Gross, I know.

"Your dad wanted to talk to you, but he had treatments today so he was a bit wiped out. Maybe later?"

I nodded slowly, watching as she disappeared up the stairs and closed the door behind her, leaving me in an eerily glowing room brought on by a small candle on my desk that held my age-old laptop. Immediately, I crawled to the one place that I had always gone to when I needed comfort: my bed.

It was lavish. Down comforter with plush pillows and a so-soft mattress that I melted in each and every time I'd collapse onto it. In high school, I was a very cheap person, not wanting to buy anything unless I really, really wanted it. And this, a haven for me to escape to and be able to completely forget everything, was something I really, really wanted at the time. You'd lie down and literally sink into the softness of the mattress, letting the comforter wrap you up in a satiny-soft cocoon and let all your problems just dissipate.

Today, I didn't want to sink, I wanted to suffocate.

Had I done the right thing? (Probably not.) Would he get over me and hate me forever? (Definitely.) What was JC going to do if Justin ever figured out why I had left? (Duck and run for the rest of his life.) Was my life really going to go down the hill like I thought it was? (Most definitely.)

My leaving was a spur of the moment-type thing. I figured, if I loved Justin enough, I wouldn't want to cause trouble between he and his best friend and leave so that the two of them could still be there to support each other and let Justin find someone who JC wasn't in love with. It'd be for the best, and the two of them would carry on a friendship without Justin knowing why JC seemed just as depressed as Justin when I left.

That is, unless JC tells him ... which I pray he doesn't. They need each other. They know each other and know how to deal with things the other person doesn't. They may not be a Chalake, but they do need to stick together. Regardless of where I stand (or do not stand) in the picture.

I felt tears form in my eyes once more as I realized that I may never kiss him again, feel him against me ... feel him tug on my hand just to pull me closer to him when we're walking, or spontaneously wrap his arms around me and dance around the kitchen just because. I may never hear him call my name, hear him sing to me, see his eyes light up when I come into the room ... see that smile that was meant only for me spread across his face when he sees me after not doing so for so long.

I grabbed my pillow, hugging it tightly. Perhaps, never again, will I be able to hold onto him like I am holding onto this pillow. Maybe he won't ever hold me like he used to. Maybe I won't live out the dream that I suddenly had with him: marriage, babies, a dream life.

But, JC was my friend, too. I loved him once. I loved him a lot. But Justin came around and suddenly, the love I had for JC looked miniscule compared to the love I had for Justin. Both men were amazing, talented individuals with so much promise, so much heart that I felt grateful to be loved by both of them, but JC wouldn't be Justin: the man who was my best friend for so long, who saw me through everything, even when we weren't speaking. He stayed with me through my accident, through my stubbornness, though my battles with myself.

Part of me hoped that he understood this and would be waiting for me in the end.

But the other part knew that he wouldn't be.

I bit my pillow, muffling a sob that escaped shortly after that thought and closed my eyes tightly. Why was my life such a rollercoaster? Why was I having more downs than ups? And why did the ups last for a short moment and then leave me in darkness that lasted years? If this lasted years, I don't think I can take it.

I lay on my back, putting my chin to my chest and willing the sobs to stop as a familiar scent slowly traveled to my nose: Justin. Justin and all that he was suddenly entered my nose in a mix of toothpaste, cologne and aftershave, a faint hint of deodorant added in for good measure. I cried then: cried for myself, for Justin, for what we had, and for JC. None of us deserved this. Justin, especially. I had put him through enough already.

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

I had to do it. At least, that's what I pushed myself to believe. I needed to be with myself, find out who I was, what I truly wanted and who I truly wanted to be with. I knew one answer to those three: I wanted to be with Justin. Completely and wholeheartedly wanted to be with that man. Regardless of what he felt for me and what JC would think. I cared for JC deeply, but he wasn't my soul and he didn't capture my heart. Justin Randall Timberlake was the only man who had done it in a way I never thought possible. He was the one who understood me and never judged, though I doubted JC did, either. But it was different with Justin. Justin was perfect. For me, especially.

I needed to grow up. Needed to accept that not all things are going to be happy, that I was going to break a few hearts or just hurt people on the way. Life wasn't always fair and it had almost never been fair to me. This was a big lesson I was trying to learn, though I was having difficulty understanding it with all the bitterness I felt at the moment.

Why did he have to come up and say that to me? I was happy with things the way they were.

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I knew if I didn't leave, it would surface what had actually happened in the bathroom that day. Justin would forever be pissed at me for not telling him, and JC would be just a figment of his imagination for the rest of his life. Though I knew that Justin felt for me and went after me when JC somewhat felt for me, it was different, and all three of us knew that and knew better in this scenerio.

I felt bad for the two of them more than for myself.

Pitying myself will only make me feel worse than I already feel.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

But Justin was my life. And hopefully, I'd figure out my life before it was too late. He was my soulmate, my other half - my living, breathing half. I felt like a little kid with him: always happy, finally seeing the positive in everything, constantly smiling. It felt good to be in a life that seemed to good to be true.

And it was. My fairytale was ripped out from it's binding and burned the moment JC opened his big, musically blessed mouth.

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

So this was it. Life, as I once knew it, no longer existed. I needed to suck it up and figure this out. I needed to be able to understand that if Justin didn't want me, it wasn't the end of the world, though, deep down, I knew it would be. I needed to know that he was going to be pissed, going to be angry ... going to try and find me and call me and get me to come back home.

I just hoped I would be able to deal with it.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Taking a deep breath and calming myself, wiping roughly at the tears that had fallen, I looked up at the wall where all my friends from high school rested, taped up against the plastered wall and staring back at me with the same smiles I remembered so clearly. I was happy then. I'd be happy again.

I just hoped I made the right decision.

*Justin*

The house was quiet. Silence boomed in my ears like loud explosions that made my eardrums want to pop and ring. They had been ringing since the day she left. The moment I finished reading that letter, I felt empty. I realized then that she had taken not only herself and her belongings, but she took a part of me with her; the part that made me feel alive and worthy of everything I earned. I felt hollow, almost as if I were missing my heart, missing the one organ in my body that served it's purpose as the blood pumper and the one symbol in life that signified love and comfort. My blood ran cold after I finished the letter. I was angry. I lost my heart and I lost my love.

But ... I guess I can't say that I wasn't expecting this. All good things come to an end, right? Isn't that what they say? What we had, was a good thing. Now it's done and I should just be grateful I had it for the few months I did. I should have paid more attention the intimate details of our relationship and knew that it'd end.

Just as quickly as we started, we had ended. A spark that grew into a raging wildfire died down and settled into smoldering embers with the remnants of our love lives completely dissipated. We weren't quite to the point of ashes, but I felt it was coming, and I knew she did, too.

But I will never understand her leaving the way she did. In the middle of the night? After making love? That really, deserves a big 'what the fuck' comment. I loved her. I loved her more than I could possibly grasp myself, loved everything about her, even the flaws that she hated so badly. I loved her more than Britney, whom I felt I'd love forever ... that is, until I found a love for Alisan that totally wiped out any feeling for any other woman.

I'd get through this. I had to. She left me, it wasn't my choice. It was her choice, her own damn fault for leaving something that could have been so great and so fulfilling. She'd lose any chance she had with me, I had to let myself believe that. I had to feel bitter, but at this moment, all I felt was empty and dull.

Life had to go on, I had to move on. It had been three weeks since she left and it still feels like that day every time I wake up and feel emptiness beside me. I get a cold chill just thinking about another envelope lying on the table as I move down the stairs. I almost trick myself into thinking that she's just at her house. Once, I did trick myself into thinking it was a dream and that I had never seen that envelope. I could have sworn I heard her laughter echoing from the back. It all stemmed with me finding her favorite scarf in the hallway closet. The beautiful white cashmere scarf that she had bought only a few weeks prior to leaving that she carried around even when inside because it was so costly and she was getting her money's worth. It smelled like her. As childish as it sounds, I even slept with it the first week she was gone, almost like a teddy bear for comfort.

I did try to call her. I called her sister, but she was no help: she didn't know her parents number. I should have known that, since they rarely speak and her mother calls from work. I called information all the way down in Georgia and got nothing. Her family's number was private and unlisted.

Yeah, thanks Alisan. Way to be hard to find.

None of this is my fault. At least, I'm going to try and make myself believe it. But maybe, maybe it is. If only I had been a little more loving, a little more understanding ... maybe she wouldn't have left. Maybe if I questioned her more, pushed for an answer as to why she had been acting weird, I wouldn't be in this mood, in this predicament. No one knows how to comfort me, no one knows what to say. What else could they do?

But really, what could you say to someone who chased a girl for years on end and finally got her, only to lose her months later? Unexplained? What do you say to someone who woke up, expecting to see the woman they had just made love to hours before, but see nothing and get left with a 'Dear John' letter? In my case, it's a 'Dear Justin', but that's not really something I care to correct right now.

She doesn't want me to find her. Okay, I won't. But it would be nice for her to call and tell me what this is really about. Call and tell me why she left. Was it me, was it her? Bullshit could be seen throughout the entire letter; she obviously didn't want to go, but did anyway. Did something happen that she didn't want to tell me? She said she didn't cheat, but was that it? Had she slept with someone and was so consumed with her regret that she left? Did someone say something to her? Was that it? If they did, I would be all ready to punch their lights out.

I cared about her. I loved her. I wanted to be with her so desperately that I was blind to everything but the fact that I finally had her, that I was finally able to hold her, kiss her, make love to her like I had dreamed of doing. So much for that.

There are times that I wish I wasn't who I was ... now, more than ever. I wish I was some regular person who had never met every person I had ever met while being a celebrity. Maybe then I'd be in love with a normal girl with my normal lifestyle and we'd have a kid, maybe two. It sucked being seen and photographed everywhere and every relationship be sold to the tabloids for some filthy cash.

When Alisan left, it seemed as soon as she left that it was in the paper. Justin Timberlake and girlfriend split! Their secret affair revealed! I had scoffed at that. Secret? No way. Affair? Maybe for ten seconds. Pop Star Justin Timberlake siddenly single! Details inside! Too bad they had no idea why I was 'suddenly single', except for the fact that I was indeed, suddenly single. Justin Timberlake is shafted! Oh, thanks online gossip community. Alisan Turner, a former dancer (who must have been blind) finally gets sick of his cocky attitude and leaves!

I can only imagine what the tabloids overseas are making of this. They have a more liberal way of headlining things. I can just see one of the headlines saying, Justin TImberlake dumped! Sex wasn't as good as he thought! Or something idiotic along those lines.

Maybe that was it. Maybe I sucked in bed.

You know I'm thinking too much when I get to that level of thinking.

But I was better than Lucas, wasn't I? I never forcefully grabbed her, never screamed at her directly in the face ... I never put her down. But now, here I am just as shafted as he was. I guess we all get on the same boat at one time or another.

Maybe she saw me in the same light that she saw him. That was the last thing I wanted to be seen as. Maybe I just didn't deserve her. Maybe I was the last thing she wanted, but the first thing that wanted her so she went for me. Maybe that was it. Maybe she never wanted to hurt me, but hell, she has.

And it hurts like hell.

Maybe one day I'll understand. But I swear, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I'm going to find out why she left me. I'm going to find that reason out and then I'm gonna pummel it down. I love her. I want to be with her. I'll let her have her space, but I will come for her. I'm not letting her go.

This isn't the last of me.


Fin.