Hey does this work?

I'm not sure of how this review thing work, cause I tried it before with un-successful results...

I liked this chapter... OMG Paul? OMG Charlotte? poor dad! and poor Mack if she's to pay the consequences...

I want to read more... 

Off to next chapter!

Interesting inclusion of Mack's mother. I can tell that whatever she's doing in Canada may have an affect on the story... Or was I off-base? ^^; 

I like this version better too. There's more direction with regards to the plot and now it's definitively Mack's story. Keep it up :) 

Interesting chapter. Just a general comment since my other observations still stand for this one as well.

I feel like you want to say a lot of things and it ends up overwhelming the reader.

For one thing, too many important plot points were brought up in this chapter but they seem not to be related at first read. You have to go over it again to grasp what's going on. The down side is that the chapter is not coherent and cohesive. It sorta confuses the reader as to the direction you're taking this story.

You could delete the some scenes that need not be present at the moment. There are some I feel would better be written as thought or fleshed out in future dialogue. As it is, I feel like you're revealing too much, too soon and it's conveniently resolved for the reader. Sometimes it's okay to let us figure things out for ourselves. :)

Again, keep going :) I want to see your work progress.

Ps. If you need me to clarify or to expound on my critique, feel free to PM or IM me. Also if you need any help with chapter construction you may do so as well :)