Old people.
Everywhere I looked there were old people. Laying on the water’s edge looking like beached wrinkly whales. There were droves of them as if they’d all planned this assault on my libido. So that I could never get my groove back. In fact at the sight of some of these old men, old enough to easily be my grandpa, who didn’t even try to hide their leering, I’m sure my groove”wherever it was”was in the process of curling up into the fetal position and dying a slow and painful death.
At the first sight of the waves of old folks, I got paranoid thinking that Miss Barbara’s excitement over my vacation had led her to follow me and then ambush me with that damn date with her son. It's been four days now and still no sign of her. Good. I hope I don’t see her at all until I get back to San Francisco.
The only bits of San Fran that I’d brought with me were my girls, Tasha Tatum, Farrah and Fallon Pierce. Farrah and Fallon, the sisters who happened to be twins. Two-egg twins that needed their own space from the start.
Farrah's crazy and drinks like she has a lifetime hidden supply of extra livers just laying around somewhere available for her disposal, but once she decides not to hate you, she's really quite likable. Tasha, on the other hand, is the calm before everyone's storm. The shy one, who looks like a model and eats like one too. The rabbit diet”organic everything, lots of water, and smoking (mostly when she's nervous or agitated). Tasha had been Farrah's addition to the group. One day she wasn't there, then the next:
"Hey, this is Tasha. Tasha, this is the other half of my crazy and the one who calls herself the best friend of the former."
Farrah had just smiled back and forth between Tasha and Fallon and I. Back and forth.
After our awkward smiles and hello's, there was just silence, until Tasha did what Tasha did best.
"So...I've heard a lot about you."
I frowned. "That can't be good."
"It's not." She laughed. "But I'm all about giving people a chance to prove themselves before I make any judgments."
"What did she say?" Fallon said to Tasha, but was glaring at Farrah who just smiled more.
"She told me, I couldn't say." Tasha shrugged. "You know, actually you two do look a lot alike."
"I think what you're seeing is their permeating aura of evil."
The twins, of course, didn't take any offense to this and rather instead laughed their conspiratorial laugh that I'd come to know and dread over the years.
And that was pretty much that. Tasha was indoctrinated into the group rather seamlessly.
Right now, our foursome was split as it usually splits. Tash and Farrah gone one way, me and Fall gone another.
Tasha and Farrah had wandered off in search of a nearby place to get toasted. Farrah had said she only wanted one drink. It was two in the afternoon, but time of day never caused Farrah to put a pause on her drinking and one drink was never one drink for her.
Fallon and I were lounging on the beach. Not saying much, there wasn't much to say. Fallon was reading He's Just Not That Into You when my cell went off. I glanced at the name that came up but that's all I did.
Frowning at me and into the sun, Fallon said, "Aren't you going to answer that?"
"It's just Marge."
"Why is she calling you again?"
"Cause she's Marge and must've been having a really bad off-day when she decided to give me this vacation time and now she wants to renege, but it's too late, because thankfully I've already gotten my ass out of the country."
"You could get another job, you know. You don't have to keep putting up with her shit. I bet if you just even acted like you were seriously considering leaving, she'd act right again. You know and she knows that she needs you, especially since you're the one writing the column now."
"She tells me what to write."
"She says things like, 'Oh, so it bothers you when your husband jokes about your weight? Well, maybe if you weren't such a fat cow there wouldn't be anything to bother you, now would there? Eat less, drag your fat ass off the couch more. I know this might sound crazy, but the walk to the fridge and back to the couch isn't enough exercise, especially when you're calling your children to get the food for you, so you don't have to move out of the crater your double-wide ass has forged into the couch cushions. Better yet, keep eating. That way when you die of a heart attack, the joke will be on him because then it'll be up to him to get creative on how to dislodge you from the couch and shove you out the door.'"
A lop-sided grin curled my lips as I shook my head. "She's not that bad."
"You're right. She's worse." She laughed, shaking her head. "Why do you always defend her?"
"She's a bitch, but she wasn't always like that. It's her husband mostly. She's just very insecure because of him."
"Whatever, then she just needs to take some of her own harsh advice and tell him to kick rocks, go to hell, drop dead, or go Lorena Bobbitt on his ass."
I shrugged. "She loves him."
"But he doesn't love her."
I nodded. I knew that and Marge probably did too. Maybe that's part of her problem. I said, "But she loves him."
"And you think that's a good enough reason to be a complete bitch to someone who's been nothing but good to her and is the reason for her more recent success?"
"I'm not saying that that makes it okay. I'm just saying that that's what makes it what it is."
Neither of us said anything for awhile. Fallon went back to her book. And I went back to looking at the disappointing manscape. When out of nowhere, Fallon said, "Who the hell are you? And what have you done with my lovably narcissistic best friend, Georgia Michaels?"
"What, I can't be understanding and sympathetic?"
"No. Generally, mostly, nearly always, no. Hell no." She laughed and I rolled my eyes, but laughed too. "You know what her problem is? The same thing your problem has become: old dick. You're stuck on the one that's passed its expiration date. It's rotten and yet you keep holding onto it and stinking up the place in the process." She made a sweeping gesture with her arm, as if to show off what all I had to look forward to here. "And this is the land of the new dick. So let's go take our clubs, beat some unsuspecting fools over the head and drag them back to the hotel."
"Seriously?" I said, trying really hard not to imagine myself with one of these old geezers, as I watched Tasha and Farrah make their way back over to us.
She frowned at me, a hand on her hip. "Don't give me that tone. That tone or that look. That was my rallying the troops speech, for better or worse and that's all I got for you right now. 'Cause I'm five miles to empty, my heart is runnin' low."
Tasha and Farrah were back and didn't hesitate to start singing along."Ooh, whoa, whoa, I need a good man to fill me up! I need a good man to give me lovin'!"
"Y'all non-singing heffas would turn this into a bad musical."
I could be the first to let you know
“Get up.”
That nothing means anything
I was laying in the middle of the bed, face up, eyes closed. Agreeing to come to Jamaica with them was a mistake. Moving in with them was a mistake. If there was a mistake to be made, it seemed like that's the direction that I was headed lately.
Jess and Trace had one room, I had the other. We shared an adjoining door. The walls weren't thick enough. I was tired of pretending like them holding hands or constantly smiling at each other as if they hadn't just been each other's faces all day wasn't annoying to me. I wanted to be happy for them. I just wanted to be happy for them from afar.
Now I'm standing here outside your door
in the pouring rain
I opened one eye, but didn't move. Trace was standing by the end of the bed, frowning at me. “What?”
“You heard me.” Trace nudged me, before sitting on the bed beside my feet. “Get up. I didn’t ask you to come so you could switch moping scenery. I thought you were over this.”
And I can't believe nothing's supposed to get to me
“Me and Tegan were only together for two weeks, you really think I’m going to mope around over that?” I said, hoping that that's what he thought the problem was. “By the way, this is not moping. This is just prolonged thinking.”
Now I'm in this misery
“Thinking?” He chuckled. “Maybe that’s your problem right there. You don’t know how to think. Thinking doesn’t mean you sit around all day in a hotel room when you’re in Ja-friggin-maica.”
“Why did you ask me to come here?” I said, sitting up.
“Honestly?”
“Preferably.”
The corners of his mouth curved upwards slightly, before he let the smile fall in a sigh as he got up from the bed and walked over to the window. He sighed again and said, “I dunno. I know we said the whole keeping the wedding planning going thing, but you could’ve done that better back in the States.”
“So," I started, "why am I here?”
“If you’re not around," He said, turning from the window to face me again. "whose life do I compare mine’s to, to feel better about myself?”
Rolling my eyes, I went back to laying down, face up. “You’re getting married. You’re pursuing your dreams. What’s so wrong with your life?”
"The problem with being best friends with my wife’s best friend is that if I tell you something, it’s almost guaranteed that she’ll hear it too.”
“So this is about Jess?”
If ever there was a time to change the subject, it would be right about now.
“No, this is about Tegan.”
I frowned. “You didn’t even like Tegan.”
“Why do I even talk to you?" He groaned. "The walls would have better things to say.”
“Okay, I’m serious now. This is me serious.” Sitting back up, I ran a hand through my hair. When he didn't immediately say anything, I let us sit in silence for a few more moments, before I reluctantly said, “So talk.”
“We’re not having problems. So don’t even think that. You weren’t already thinking that were you?”
I shook my head. “No, I wasn’t. You two are great together.”
Good. So far so good. No lies, thus far. They are great together. They're annoyingly great together so that makes what I've...we've been doing to all the more worse.
“We are. We really are." He nodded. "You think so?”
Half smile, half frown. I said, “Are you getting cold feet?”
Wholly frowning at me, he said, “My feet are toasty. What are you talking about? I’m in Jamaica. My feet are fine.” He started to pace in the small area from one wall to the other the wall. I just watched him for a bit, in confusion, before he finally stopped. Glancing out the window, he said, “What about…”
“What about what?”
“I mean, what if…" He glanced at his toes, and chuckled softly, shaking his head as he looked back up at me. "I know it sounds crazy, but what if…" Window. Toes. Me. He sighed. "What if... maybe her feet weren’t so toasty?”
Bad, very fucking bad. I took in a deep breath, pushing it out before clearing my throat. I tugged on my collar. Coming with them was becoming more and more of a mistake.
I can't be with anyone since I felt our worlds collide
After I'd left us in silence and when I'd finally made eye contact again, his nervous energy had gone down several notches, and suspicion had risen to take its place. Watching me carefully, he said, “What’s wrong? You know something.”
It's like I almost died
I tried not to fidget under his scrutiny. When it comes to flat out lying, I was never very good at it. But it didn't stop me from trying. “I don’t know nothing.”
“Double negative asides, under normal circumstances I wouldn’t doubt that, but you know something.” His eyes narrowed at me. “What do you know?”
The way you make me feel
I'm changing, got me breaking down inside
Trying to shut down all emotion from my face, I said,“Why would I know anything?”
“Because you’re her best friend.”
“You’re her best friend, too.” I countered.
“I’m about to be her husband.”
“What does that mean? You stop being her best friend because you’re about to say ‘I do’?”
Dismissing my words with a wave of his hand, he said, “You can’t have two best friends anyways.”
I frowned. “Who made that rule?”
“Two people can’t be the best. Defeats the purpose of saying best.”
Still not good, but at least getting better. The further this pointless line of conversation went the better for everyone. I said, “Don’t you have two best friends?”
“No.”
“What?”
“I have two really good friends. Two great friends. But only one best friend.”
“Are you demoting me? Was this your long-winded way of telling me I’m demoted?”
“You can’t be demoted if you were never at the top anyways.”
“So I was never your best friend?”
“No, I’m not saying that. I’m saying…” He frowned and sighed. “Okay, now I don’t even remember what I’m talking about. But the point is this, one best friend. For some reason, for me that’s you. One soon-to-be wife. Two cold feet. And you know something, so tell me.”
A smile that I couldn't stop even if I had wanted to was stretching across my face. This once pointless line of conversation was starting to feel just a ounce less pointless. “I’m your best friend.”
He groaned, covering his face in his hands. “You’re missing the point.”
“That was part of it. The first part.” I opened my arms and waited.
“What are you doing?”
“Waiting for my hug.” My arms were still open and waiting as he continued to frown at me and back away.
“I’m not going to hug you.”
“I’m your best friend. Yes, you are.” I said, getting up out of bed.
And as easy as it was to tackle Trace and pull him into a tight hug, I'd managed to dodge actually having that conversation. Here's to hoping that he doesn't bring it up again.
Somewhere during all this, Jess walked in. Laughing, shaking her head, she said, “I turn my back on you two for a few seconds and you get all brokeback on me.”
They were finally done singing. And once they'd stopped, they all slowly came to the same sad realization I'd already had. The land of the new dick, wasn't new at all. All of these decrepit flaccidly joyless-sticks were all well past their expiration date and needed artificial batteries to get their motors humming, which then might result in an 8-hour run, which then would result in an embarrassing trip to the hospital.
So they stopped singing. And our Jamaica or bust trip was officially busted.
“I’m not going to let you, or you, or you ruin this for me." Farrah said, turning away from the old man walking by in a male thong and staring at each of us. "I’ve always wanted to go to Jamaica and I’m going to enjoy it. We’re all going to have fun.”
To that the rest of us a chorus of pathetic ‘yeahs.’
“Okay, so what that the airport lost our luggage for two days. So what that there’s more dread-lock wearing, old white wrinkled bodies littering the beaches than number of times Britney Spears has remembered to put panties on before going out in public lately. So what that just earlier today when y’all were all too lazy to get out of bed, I went swimming and decided to go to a beach instead of the hotel’s pool and got stung by a jellyfish and wound up having to get some random guy to piss on my leg.” she said, frowning down at her leg for a moment, as we all looked at her with disgust. “So what! We’re here. And we’re all going to have some goddamned motherfucking fun, dammit!” she cried and the rest of us answered with silence. “Did y’all bitches hear me?!”
We all knew how crazy Farrah's crazy ass could get once she'd resolved herself to do something, so jumping up, the rest of us all said some variation, “Fun, fun. Look, I’m having fun.”
Satisfied now, Farrah nodded and started to lead the way to God knows where. Turning to the other two, I said, “Has her head stopped spinning yet?”
We laughed, until Farrah turned around and fixed us with a solid glare.
We stopped laughing.
Baby can't you see, you ruined me
It hadn't been long after Jess had gotten back from her day of getting pampered at a nearby spa (which is so different from what she does every other week back in Florida) that I found myself listening to the sounds of their headboard banging against my wall as the sounds of their moans floated through a connected vent directly into my room. It was by the second or third "Oh, Daddy, oh, Big Daddy" from Jess that I decided Trace was right.
I needed to get the hell out of this hotel room.
But it was only once I'd rush out that I realized it was raining. Or rather, more like pouring. And of course, I didn't have an umbrella, but I didn't want to go back there, so I just trudged through it. And with no money in my pocket, my only option for transportation was my feet. My feet which led me straight to the beach.
A deserted, ugly beach. One that would've never made the cut to get on a brochure.
This trash littered scene was not the one that sent young couples rushing off to enjoy each other in paradise. This gloomy, lonely beach was not paradise, it was the other side of paradise, the side that nobody visited because it wasn't pretty enough, because it wasn't smiling enough and wasn't glad to see you. This side didn't welcome you with open arms, more like you just walked into its domain and it wouldn't say anything to you, wouldn't look at you, but would maybe grunt and hand you a beer.
And that's exactly the kind of paradise that I was looking for. The pretty stuff was for people like Trace and Jess. And they could have it. This was for me.
For life
Laying back into the sand, I made sand angels as the rain continued to fall.
This place was trippy.
We were at some crazy strobe light heavy club called The Twilight Zone. And while there wasn't nearly as many as old guys around, there was still a few creepy ones who didn't even bother to hide their leering. Though at least they were keeping their distance.
I was sipping on an amaretto sour, talking to Fallon when someone tapped me on the shoulder. Turning, I immediately sized the guy up. Too short. Not nearly cute enough. With an easter egg colored suited on and a cocky ass smile like he just knew he was the shit. Well, he was, if we were just talking about smell. Guess he'd never heard of a dab'll do ya.
Before he could even get a word out, I said, "No."
"No? No, what? I didn't even get a chance to say anything."
"And it was better that way. Your breath damn near gave me third degree burns."
"Bitch." he said, walking away.
Shaking my head, I said, "What number was that?"
"I'm not sure, kinda lost track after the twelfth whack ass you rejected." she laughed.
"Why are we even still standing here?"
"Because little Miss Farrah has threatened to kill us several times if we don't start having some fun."
Farrah was currently dancing on the bar right now, holding several guy's attention as she shucked and jived, reveling in the attention.
"Looks like she's having more than enough fun for the rest of us."
Then she slipped off the bar, one hoochie pop too many, and almost face-planted onto the ground before some guy caught her.
"Now ain't that about a bitch, the only half-way decent looking guy up in here...and she falls right into his arms. If I had've put my ass up on that bar and fell off the only thing I've been catching is my teeth after I busted my head open on the floor."
"And if you had of done that then I could have been getting my flirt on with a cute ass Jamaican doctor." Fallon sighed, dreamily. "You're selfish, girl. Always thinking about yourself. Just selfish."
I laughed, until I felt another tap on my shoulder. Turning around slowly, I looked him over. Tall. Pretty blue eyes. Dark, curly hair. He was pretty cute, especially when he smiled. Smiling back at him, I took his extended hand.
Holding my hand, he said, “I noticed you from across the room and thought to myself, a woman as fine as yourself shouldn’t have to buy her own drinks.”
“Oh really?” I smirked, struggling not to roll my eyes at that. “But I really don’t need another drink, but thanks anyway.” I said turning my attention back to Fallon.
He stood there confused for another second or two, before he walked away.
“Why’d you do that? He was nice enough, didn’t come at you with some of the lame lines the rest of these sorry ass men were trying to spit. I didn’t hear not one ‘Yo baby, let me holla at you,’ no ‘I lost my number can I have yours?’ no ‘Did it hurt? …when you fell from heaven.’ No ‘Is your pants made of glass? …because I can see myself in them.’ No… ”
“Alright, alright…I get it.” I laughed. ”And I know all that, I’m just testing him.”
“Testing him?”
“Yeah, to see if he’s really interested.”
“He came over here didn’t he?” Fallon said, looking just as confused as that guy had. “Isn’t that enough?”
“No.” I said, rolling my eyes at her, because we've been over this before. “Look, right now if he’s really interested, he’s slunk back over to his boys and is in the process of coming up with plan B. If not, then he’s probably called me a bitch under his breath and is off trying to whisper new sweet nothings in some other girl’s ear.”
“Girl, you crazy.”
“We’ll see…” I said, coyly sipping my drink while glancing his way. He’d been looking at her and once I noticed him doing so, he was quick to look away. Oh yeah, he was interested. A little confused, but interested nevertheless. It’s not like a little confusion ever hurt anybody anyways.
“And if he comes over here again? Then what?”
“Then…we talk, or dance…or do whatever it is he proposes.”
“So if he comes back and says ‘Hey, I got something in my car I wanna show you.’ You’d go?”
“Hell no! ‘Sides the fact that I’m almost certain he wouldn’t say that cause he doesn’t seem like the creepy type, I’m still not sure I wanna go home with him.”
“You don’t know yet? Hmm, either this one is special or maybe this is just your womanly senses telling you not to go there with him, cause usually you make up your mind within the first seconds of meeting someone.”
I laughed, but nodded. “Yeah, I know. And I dunno if it’s good or bad thing, but I’m getting the feeling that with this one I should think about it.”
“Well don’t think too hard…wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.”
As we laughed, I made eye contact with Blue Eyes again. “Girl, hush.”
I will be the last to let you down
"You know just because you got rejected doesn't mean you have to hide out in the restroom like a little bitch. You should be used to this by now."
That was Jess. I had currently in the one of the stalls, just sitting there, trying to remember why I had even wanted to come out to this club in the first place. I had never particularly enjoyed the club scene and it's not because I can't dance, because I can get down when I want to. I'm just more of a bar person. Sit down, chill, get drunk, maybe break some bottles over some random dudes head, get kicked out and stumble back home. Now that was fun.
This was not. The club scene required more effort. You had to look the part, it wasn't a come as you are kind of place. You had to play the role, be suave enough to catch the eye of the ladies here. Bar women--not to say they were easy, but, yeah, they were easy. Or at least easier. Their delusions of grandeur weren't so high in the sky as the club going women's were. And I just wasn't in the mood to play that game tonight. Tonight I wanted easy. Tonight I wanted fun. Tonight I wanted some drunk girl, any drunk girl to take home with me.
Instead of going ahead with that ingenious plan, I'd chosen a girl that had probably been sipping on the same drink the whole time. A girl who had been smugly rejecting guy after guy without a second thought. And now the only drunk girl I was attracting was the one drunk girl I'd been trying to avoid the whole night, because I knew how Jess gets when she starts drinking: Horny. Randy. And mostly importantly, tactless. All which is what I was looking for, but not from my best friend's fiancee. Especially with him in the same building.
Ignoring the fact that I was openly ignoring her, Jess said, "If you wanted to hide out, you could have picked a better place to do it than a funky ass bathroom."
"It doesn't smell that bad."
"Ah, so you can speak." She laughed. "Why don't you come outta the stall now?"
I did want out of the stall, but if only to get her out of the male's restroom before someone noticed her in here, especially if that person wound up being Trace. Jessica and I had, had a bad track record of not thinking clearly once the two of us were alone in the confines of a public restroom. Reluctantly, opening the door of the stall, I said, "Why are you in here anyways?"
She just smiled and shrugged. I knew what that meant. I sighed.
"Don’t sigh at me. It's your fault anyways."
"How is it my fault that you want me to bone you in this 'funky ass bathroom'?"
"Did I say that?"
"You didn't have to."
She studied me for a moment in silence, then nodded. She turned her back on me as if she'd decided to do the right thing and leave. Before we started hooking up, she was always very good at doing the right thing. But once a good girl turns bad, she's bad forever. Or so they say. I'm still hoping she proves 'em wrong.
All your fears and doubts are
Hovering above you like a cloud
Instead of leaving, she turned back on her heel. Chewing on the inside of her mouth, she said, "Why were you talking to that girl?"
When I just rolled my eyes, her soft features hardened, instantly. "You like her? You think she's hott? You wish she was here right now instead of me?"
And the water's rising
"Don't do this. I hate when you do this." I started, trying to keep my voice calm, hoping it would calm her down. "We're not together, if I want to hook up with some other girl I can and will do that."
Now I can't breathe, nothing's how it's supposed to be
"That's why you were hiding out in the restroom, huh?" She smiled, smugly. "You're so full of shit."
"Which would make the restroom the perfect place for me." I sighed, shaking my head. I wanted to be mad at her. But how can I be? I made her like this. I pursued her and as long as she was still pushing me away, it was fine. Cause yeah, what I was doing was fucked up, but we weren't fucking. But once she gave in, that's when the guilt trips started. That's when the jealousy kicked in. That's when the blood finally stopped rushing to the wrong head long enough for me to look around and see the person I'd turned this former goody-two shoes into. I'd just been joking at the beginning of this, when I'd said one day that we should stop this cause chances were I was going to corrupt her.
All of this would've been easier if she wasn't like every other woman, who couldn't open her legs without opening her heart. And while I had done the same, since I did have genuine feelings for her now, I knew I couldn't have her the way I wanted to, so in knowing that I never would let her have me the way she wanted to.
For the most part she seemed to know and understand that sometimes I had to be cold to her to keep the shit from hitting the fan; it was just every now and then that she started to want to have her cake and eat it too. Glancing into her eyes for a moment, I nodded over towards the doors. "You should get out of here before someone sees you in here."
"You don't care if someone sees, you rather like an audience, don't you?" She smirked at first, licking her lips, before she finally must have caught the look in my eyes, then her mouth drooped. "You're worried about him."
"Aren't you?"
"Most of the time." She nodded.
"Now's not that time though?"
How did you do this to me
She shrugged at this, bit down rather hard on her bottom lip, kicked at nothing and then finally turned to leave again. And in that moment of watching her walk away, I was so tempted to tell her to stay. To grab her and hold her and let her feel just how much I wanted her to stay. I was never very good at doing the right thing, but before this fucked-up situation, once upon a time this kind of betrayal always been one thing I could've said I'd never do.
Locked inside your heart shaped box
"I'm gonna go." she announced, even though she's already started to go.
"Good."
At the door, she hesitated. Then turned around and stalked back toward me, like she was pissed and I was the reason for it. Her hand raised and I did nothing to stop it, only braced myself for the blow. But all she did was stroke my face, slowly, gently, like she was afraid that I might break. All she did was kiss me, slowly, gently, like she was afraid that together we might break.
Taking steps away from me, she looked me in the eye, stared, glared, studied me. A sad smile curling the edges of her lips. Licking those soft, sweet lips that could say and do some of the most wondrously nasty things, she said, "I hate that I love the unfriendly way you make me feel. I hate that even though I was in Trace's arms, when I saw you talking to that other girl..." she trailed off with a laugh. Taking another step back, she said with a smirk, "But then you got rejected."
I can't be with anyone since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
"And I bet you were loving that." I said, brushing past her and to the doors.
Never that far behind, she said, "Where are you going? To dust yourself off and try again?" When I said nothing, she was quick to bitingly add, "She rejected you for a reason."
The way you make me feel
I'm changing, got me breaking down inside
I hadn't planned on going back over to that girl--just like I hadn't planned on being in this restroom this long--but now she was clowning me so I had to prove her wrong. Turning back to her, I said, "What, that? That was nothing. She's probably just testing me."
"Why can't you men just take no for an answer?"
"Why can't you women just not play these stupid games when you really want it?"
Baby can't you see, you ruined me
for life
We were standing close now. Maybe, probably a little too close. There was that heat that leads to one of those 'next thing I knew' or 'one thing led to another' kind of stories, which neither of us needed to be writing right now. Or ever again.
I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna feel this way
Without another word, I turned my back on her again and walked out of the men's room. The bass of the music greeting me within the first few steps.
All I wanna do is leave
Yelling over the music, she said, "Where are you going?"
"To pass that test."
But all I can do is stay
"Don't you think we should talk about it?" she said, trying to tug me back the way we'd came.
Nights and days go by
"Talk about what?" I said, unmoving. "There's nothing to talk about."
and I can't wait to touch your face again
"Talk about what?" she yelled, though that yell wasn't just to be heard over the music. She let a few beats go by in silence, before she wrapped her hand around my wrist and proved to me that she was a lot stronger than I thought she was, as she dragged me back towards the bathroom. Stepping in enough to be able to hear without screaming at one another, she said, "I know you feel guilty and that's why you act the way you do towards me sometimes, but I feel guilty too. But avoiding eye contact for fear that we might do something ridiculous like talk about what's been happening between us, or constantly separating yourself from us isn't going to solve anything and will only help Trace to figure it out all the sooner."
"So this is all my fault, in other words? Maybe you need to pay a little more attention to Trace and a lot less attention to what I am and am not doing, because it's you, not me that's got him worried right now."
Frowning, she said, "What are you talking about?"
"We had a little chat about you today. He thinks you're getting cold feet and thinks I know why."
She paced silently for awhile, before cursing under her breath. "You think he knows? And like is just waiting around for the next time we slip up to bust us on it?"
"I dunno." I sighed. "But maybe he should."
I could be the first to let you know, whoa
That I can't be with anyone since I felt our worlds collide
"What?" she said, glaring at me now.
"Maybe he should...just figure it out."
It's like I almost died
She laughed hollowly. "Justin, are you high? How much did you drink? I thought I was the drunk one."
"He's going to figure it out, you even said so."
The way you make me feel
"If you keep up this mopey crap then, yeah, maybe he'll start to figure it out."
"Maybe we should just tell him. Just get it all out there, ya know? No more secrets."
Moments went by in tense silence, before she started to nod slowly. "You're right."
I frowned. "What?"
"You're absolutely right."
"So you want to tell him?"
"Sure, but before I shoot my chance at happiness in the foot, which show do you think would be better to go on and do this: Jerry Springer or Maury?"
I sighed, rolling my eyes, half in relief, half in disappointment. Maybe it would've spare us all a lot of pain in the long run if we had just told him ourselves.
"Yeah, you're right. Jerry Springer is clearly the better choice, no competition." she said, "Look, the men's room probably isn't the place to really talk about this anyways, but we are going to have to talk about this. Rationally."
I'm changing,
got me breaking down inside
With that, she left. I lingered in there for a moment longer, staring at my reflection.
You ruined me
When I did walk out, she was nowhere to be found, but then that's probably not a completely true statement, given the fact that I was not really taking the time to look for her. Or Trace.
Instead, I wandered over to the bar and ordered a drink.
"I see, you're back."
Frowning in confusion, I turned towards the voice, with a drink in hand. "What?" I said, staring at the woman beside me for a moment. She was gorgeous, but not in a maybe it's maybelline way. Everything about her seemed inviting from her warm eyes to her soft looking full lips to just the way she held her glass. Her eyes were exuding confidence, but there was still a faint hint of sadness. As I watched her lick her lips, it finally clicked. She was the man-eater, the girl who'd spent half the night rejecting most of the guys in here, myself included. For awhile there she had totally slipped my mind.
I said,"Yeah, I guess I am."
She smirked, just watching me for a moment. "No lines?"
"Considering how the last one worked out, no." I laughed, drinking my drink as she sipped hers.
I probably would've just stayed up in my own head, if it wasn't for the loud coughing the girl next to the man-eater started doing, effectively drawing my attention to her. She was cute, in the sidekick kind of way. And being the good sidekick that she was, she was quick to make up some excuse to leave the two of us there alone.
Chuckling softly to myself, I said, "Is that my cue to make my move?"
"My friend seems to have it in her mind for some reason that you're really into me."
I raised an eyebrow at that. She seemed like the type of girl to be into herself so much that she would've already naturally assumed that herself. "You don't think so?"
"Considering how you came back for a drink instead of me," she smiled, sipping on her drink. "I'd say no."
I smiled too, turning more towards her, so now we weren't shoulder to shoulder, but still not quite face to face. "Maybe I was getting the drink for courage."
"You don't seem like the type who needs liquid courage." She said, carefully eyeing me again. "You did it just fine on your own the first time."
I laughed, finishing off my drink. "Just fine got me a polite rejection."
Still smiling, she shrugged. "It's the nicest thing I've said all night."
"I'm not sure how I should take that. Either that's a compliment for me, or a warning about yourself."
She shrugged again, finishing off her drink. "I guess it's both."
Without another word, she started to walk away. I frowned, letting her get a step or two away, before I found myself getting up to follow her.
"Where are you going?"
"To tell my friend that she was right."
I smiled, slowly. This girl was probably too smooth for me, but I guess I'm just a fool like every other man, who loves a challenge. "Oh, really?"
"Course I'd look pretty foolish telling her that if we didn't dance at least once and I walk away and you walk towards another woman."
"So you wanna dance?" I said, taking steps to close the gap between us.
"No."
I frowned, confused as hell now. "No?"
Laughing, she smiled and said, "You just look so cute when you're confused, so I had to do it one more time."
When he started off with the cabbage patch and the running man, I just laughed and went along with it by doing the butterfly and the tootsie roll, but then he started doing the lawnmower, I started rethinking this whole going with the flow idea. It wasn't long before he started doing the humpty dance, while yelling "Do the humpty hump, do the humpty hump!" And that's when I was ready to chalk this night up to a complete waste of time and started to just walk off, only for him to start cracking up laughing, pulling me back to him, as he started to dance for real.
Even though his previous clowning had been kind of embarrassing before, knowing that he wasn't really serious with that, loosened me up. And the next thing I knew I was spending the next thirty minutes or so trying to get the Kid 'n' Play dance right. We never did get it quite right, but then the DJ called out, saying "this is for all the lovers out there. It's a slow jam y'all, so grab the one you love or the one you're going to love tonight." And it wasn't long before he and I were getting really close.
And lord, did this white boy have rhythm. You definitely can't say that for everyone, but he had rhythm. An easy groove to be pulled into. And when he was dancing with you, he danced with you and only you. The room might as well have been completely empty save us two, that's how much attention he gave you. He had a way of letting you know he wanted you without making you feel like his feelings would probably change the next morning. But I'd met guys like him, been played by guys like him, had played guys like him, so I knew what he was doing even if he wasn't entirely doing it on purpose this time. Maybe this was just a dance. Maybe the vertical sex was all in my raunchy little head. But every time his hips grinded into mine and every time his eyes locked with mine, I swear to God that man had me a blink away from ripping his clothes off right then and there.
It was only so much of the simulated vertical sex that I could take before I needed the real thing.
"I'm about to head out, y'all." I said, once he'd suggested going to back to his place. Smiling at my girls, I added a hasty, "Don't wait up!"
"Hold up, Slut-fleupagus," Fallon said, pulling me back before I could trot off. "Where do you think you're going?"
"To get me some." I said, smiling brightly.
"Girl, from who?" Farrah asked, curiously.
"That guy she's been grinding up on the last however many minutes. I don't know why you have to go somewhere to get you some, looked like you already got a lot on the floor." Tasha said, shaking her head at me with a playful roll of the eyes. Tasha was the only one in our crew that was staunchly against the one-night stand, but she knew, no matter how many times she lectured one of us, if the itch was strong enough (or even just slightly there in Farrah's case) then we were going to scratch it. And I planned on doing a lot of scratching tonight.
"I could ask him if he has a friend for you."
Sticking her tongue out at me, she smiled and said, "I don't need your hand-outs."
"Oh, but I do!" Farrah said, raising her hand.
We all just laughed at that, shaking our heads at her. I thought I was a pretty horny person, but Farrah beat me most of the time by leaps and bounds.
"I know none of my girls need hand-outs and I also know that I just took the only worthwhile guy up in this place. So y'all ain't gotta go back to the hotel, but y'all gotta get the hell up outta here." I said, smiling at them, while making moves to leave. "Hasta luego, chicas!"
When I had left the Twilight Zone with Mr. Sex On Legs, I had every intention of screwing us both unconscious. So when I woke up the next day in a bed not my own, I wasn't surprised. I was a little disappointed he wasn't still in the bed though, but then again, I did prefer to fumble with my clothing in private anyways. Only problem was as I was yawning and stretching in an attempt to wake myself up more, I realized I was already fully dressed.
I just stared at my still on clothes for a moment with a growing frown. I quickly rewound what I could remember of the night in my head. Was I fully liquored up? Enough so. Was I too horny to care that I basically knew nothing about this man and just wanted to see if his moves on the dance floor translated just as well into the bedroom? Yep, yep. So how did all that wind up equaling out to a morning after with no search for my panties?
As I was running my fingers through my hair, trying to figure out where it had all gone wrong, he came in.
“Hey…” He laughed nervously, setting down some food. “You know, I still don’t know your name.”
“Tasha.” I said the first name that popped into my head without hesitation, surprising even myself at how accustomed I was to lying at moments like this. Running my fingers through my hair one last time, I glanced into a nearby mirror before rising to my feet, straightening out my dress as I did so. It looked a lot shorter today than it had last night. “Well, I better be going…” I said, tugging at my dress, already moving toward the door as I grabbed my purse along the way.
“Justin.”
“What?” The fact that he’d said anything more than bye throwing me off.
“My name’s Justin.”
“Oh…well in that case…” I smiled. “Well, I better be going…Justin.”
He chuckled. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
“See now, once you start with something like ‘don’t take this the wrong way,’ you’ve already set the person up to take it the wrong way.” I interrupted with a playful grin. “But continue…with caution.”
He smirked. “I don’t do this...this kind of...thing...a lot. One-night stands aren’t really my thing.”
Interrupting him again, I said, “Well don’t worry, I have. Having said that slutty confession and since this isn’t technically a one-night stand considering as far as I can remember we didn’t have sex “ unless you want to fill me in on something. So no sex, no one-night stand, means you really don’t have to worry. I’m just going to get my stuff and leave quietly and since I already have my stuff.” I said holding up my purse as proof. “I’ll just be getting to the leaving quietly part.”
I'd turned to leave, when he said, “You hungry?”
“Am I hungry?”
“Yeah, you do eat right? You’re not one of those girls…”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “No, I’m not one of ‘those’ girls, as you so nicely put it. And why does it matter anyways?”
“Cause while you were sleeping, I went to go get us breakfast. And since I planned on two people eating, there’s way too much for me to eat alone. So unless you have somewhere you really need to be right now, would you mind having breakfast with me?”
“I dunno…”
“I got muffins, pancakes, scrambled eggs, sausage, biscuits, and all kinds of juice cause I wasn’t sure what you’d like.”
“Does gravy come with those biscuits?”
He chuckled again. It was a good laugh, the kind that's hard not to smile at the sound of. “A girl of my own heart.” he said, pulling out the container of gravy.
“Hmmm, well that’s very tempting…”
“I could beg, but it wouldn't be pretty.” He smiled.
Somehow I doubt that, I thought, laughing, I said, “Well if you insist. Just let me call my friends right quick so they’ll know where I am.”
Slipping into the bathroom, I quickly pulled my cell out of my purse. Dialing without thinking, I listened to it ring two times before Fallon picked up. She was probably waiting for this call, not because she was particularly fond of hearing the morning after details, but without ever saying as much--I mean she never straight out lectured me like Tasha did, but I knew she worried.
“Hey girl, where are you?”
“Justin’s hotel room.”
“Is that the guy you were with last night?”
“Sí.”
“You move fast girl, but you have good taste at least.”
“And you know this!” We laughed. "Anyways, I just called to let you know…”
“How mind blowing the sex was? I saw the moves that white boy was making on the dance floor last night, if that’s any indication of his bedroom moves…Ooo wee!”
Okay so let me rephrase that earlier statement. It wasn't that she wasn't particularly fond of hearing the morning after details, cause obviously she was more than willing to hear them, but what I meant was she also worries about me too.
Laughing, I said, "Nah, it wasn’t even like that. As far as I can remember, we were just talking and laughing and having a good ol’ time watching TV and then I guess, we both just fell asleep.”
“You just watched some TV with him? You had his fine ass all alone in that hotel room for all them hours and y’all didn’t do anything?"
“Hey, when I woke up this morning fully dressed, I was just as shocked as you.” I laughed, ending on a sigh. “But it was kinda nice though. Different.”
“Alright, so what are you still doing there?”
“About to eat breakfast, I guess.”
“He made you breakfast…without getting any? Damn, girl…if you don’t want him, give a sista the hookup.”
Laughing, I said, “Whoa, whoa, before you get too set on stealing him away from me, he didn’t make breakfast.”
“You made breakfast?!” she asked, not bothering to hide the shock from her voice. “Ooh whoops, what am I saying, if you’d made breakfast you’d be calling from outside the hotel while you watched it burn to the ground.”
“Girl, hush. You know I can throw down in the kitchen…when I feel like it.”
“Well then, you must not feel like it very often.”
“Whateva. The point is, he went out to get us something to eat while I was sleeping.”
“And what’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing…”
“Then why do I feel like you wanna follow that up with a ‘but’?”
“Nah, nah it’s cool…or whateva. It’s just…different you know what I mean?”
“But a good different though, he’s letting you know that you don’t have to spread your legs to get some spread on yo’ bread.”
I smiled and nodded. “True.”
“But…” she said, just prodding me to continue.
“But…I dunno, it’s weird too.”
“A man doing right by you is weird?”
“He doesn’t have to do anything though. I don’t even know why he is.”
“He likes you, girl. This isn’t rocket science.”
“Then why didn’t he try to sleep with me?”
“I dunno, maybe he doesn’t do the one-night stand thing.”
I frowned thinking back on all the promise those moves he'd done on the dance floor had made. Those had screamed being all for a one-night stand. “Yeah, he did say something about that this morning.”
“Well then…that’s your answer.” Fallon said, conclusively. “You better get off this phone, before he thinks you’ve fallen in or something.”
“How’d you know I’m in the bathroom?”
“Cause that’s the typical Georgia move.” She laughed. “Oh and if for some reason he hasn’t asked already, tell that boy what your real name is.”
Blushing, I said, “Too late.”
“Girl, I dunno what I’m going to do with you.” She sighed and I could just imagine her with her hands on her narrow hips, shaking her head at me. “Bye Georgia.”
And before I could say bye back, she's already hung up on me. I hated when she did that. And she did every time. One of these days I'm going to get my goodbye in before she leaves me with the dial tone.
Oh, I can't be with anyone since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
In the last forty-five minutes or so that we'd been sitting here chit-chatting like this was a first or second date or something and not the morning after a sexless night between strangers, I couldn't help but be suspicious of his strictly gentlemanly like aura. Not that he'd been really aggressive last night, though, because if he had been I would've never been here today. But even though he hadn't been, he'd still seemed like perfect hit it and quit material and now that he had turned out not to be, all I could do was look at him and wonder why.
Breaking into a small lull in the conversation, I said, "Why do you keep wiping your mouth every time I look at you?"
"Because every time you look at me it makes me feel like I must have something on my face."
The way you make me feel
"If I'm staring, I'm sorry. I was just thinking."
"About what?"
I've been changing, got me breaking down inside
I didn't answer, just stared at him.
He wiped his mouth again.
Baby can't you see, you ruined me
I smiled, but gave him a break by looking away.
"Whatever you're thinking about, seems serious."
"It's not that serious." I said, staring again. And when he went to wipe his mouth again, I said, "Why didn't you sleep with me?"
I don't wanna be in love
Choking on his food for a second, he coughed a few times and avoided eye contact. "That's what you've been thinking all this time?"
"Yeah."
"Well..." he started, licking his lips and finally making eye contact again. Though not for long. "Honestly, I don't know. You're beautiful, I was definitely feeling you. It was the right place..."
I don't wanna feel this way
"Wrong time?"
He didn't answer, just stared me. I wiped my mouth. We smiled.
Then he said, "I don't think there's ever a wrong time for a good thing to come into your life."
We fell into another lull, but this time I broke it with silence. Eventually, he laughed too, before admitting, "That was corny. Sorry."
"It was cutesy-corny though. A for effort." I said, getting up and throwing my paper plate in the trash.
All I wanna do is leave
"You're leaving?"
"Why?" I said, looking back at him with a smile. "We 'bout to have some hot, freaky sex?"
He just smiled.
You ruined me for life
"You're beautiful, I was definitely feeling you. It was the right place. Too bad some other girl came and screwed it up for me before I ever got a chance to screw it up for myself." I sighed, at the door now. I glanced back at him, biting my bottom lip. "And I would've screwed it up so well, too."
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This chapter featured: JC Chasez - You Ruined Me
