Mixed Up Emotions
I heard them. It was so loud that I almost turned around. But I felt Justin pulling my hand. I didn't look up though. Justin told that the moment I did, I'd be blinded my their cameras' vicious flashes and their deafening shouts about who I was and why I was with him.
It's not the first time I had to deal with paparazi, but it rarely happened at such a close rage. I could literally hear them breathing. I didn't understand it. This was Justin. . . he wasn't anything extraordinary. He shits, showers, and shaves like everybody else. He's not some immaculate being that deserves to be idolized.
"You alright?" I looked up to see Justin's blue eyes staring back at me.
"Yeah. . .I'm cool." He smiled and released my hand. I shoved it in my pocket, trying to get the warmth back.
"Yo L," Justin's bodyguard brushed past me and came to Justin's side, "We're gonna be over there." he stated as he pointed across the room. Lonnie nodded and Justin made his way to a table in the corner, I followed closely.
"Why do you even try to come here?" I asked curiously as I sat in the chair Justin pulled out for me, "Those guys are like a pack of hungry wolves." Justin laughed and sat down across from me.
"I know," he commented as he adjusted in his seat, "But they have really good sandwiches." I smiled and shook my head.
"It's always about food with you, I swear."
"Well it wouldn't be if a certain somebody cooked like she used to." I rolled my eyes at his sarcastic way of being subtle.
"I don't work for you." I complained as Justin made a face I knew all too well, "No."
"What? I don't know what you're talking about." I narrowed my eyes at him.
"I'm not gonna work for you." He pouted and sighed.
"What's wrong with working for me?" I rolled my eyes.
"I would get paid for doing nothing."
"You're like the only person I know who would complain about that." he whined as a waitress came to our table.
"Welcome to The Ivy. I'm Lucy and I'll be taking your orders today." She smiled and Justin smiled at her politely.
"Well it's nice to meet you Lucy." he said cheerfully, causing her to blush.
"Thank you sir." I was so ready to laugh. She was acting like Justin told her that she was the sexiest thing alive.
"Well, you're very welcome." She giggled, "What's the special for today?" She stared at him blankly for a moment and since I know women as well as I do, she was definitely fantasizing.
"Oh. . .um. . ." Justin raised a brow and smiled, "We have. . .Oh yeah, we have the grilled chicken club sandwich. It's served on a kaiser roll with a tomatoes, onions, lettuce, and bacon." Justin nodded.
"Sounds good." She wrote down his order and turned to me.
"And you ma'am?" Oh, so now I exist?
"Well. . .um, I'll have the chef salad." She wrote on her notepad and excused herself. Justin turned to face me and smiled.
"She was cute wasn't she?" I raised a brow and rolled my eyes.
"She was putty in your hands if that's what you're asking." He laughed toyed with the napkin dispenser.
"I was just saying the girl was cute." He shrugged and everything got quiet. It's been like this a lot. The awkward silences. I used to be able to joke with him, but now I can't. I'm afraid that he'll slip into flirty mode and turn it into something sexual. Now that would be awkward, taking the fact that since we were together, I've been dreaming about him every night.
"So how's Trace?" I asked trying to spark some conversation. He shrugged again and sat up in his chair.
"He's cool, I guess."
"You guess?" He looked up at me and smirked.
"Ever since he went to see Elisha last week, calling me hasn't been much of a priority." I laughed when he began to pout.
"Aww, does Justin miss his Tracey-poo?" I mocked as he threw a small ball of napkin at me.
"Shut up." He smiled as I threw the paper back before being interrupted by the arrival of our food. I watched as Justin reached over and poured a puddle of ketchup on the side of his plate and dipped his fries in it, one by one, as he ate them.
"Why don't you just pour ketchup over the entire thing?" I asked as he looked up at me confused.
"Pour what on what now?"
"Your fries, man." He looked at his plate and swallowed what was in his mouth.
"Why would I do that for?" he asked, "It makes your hands all yucky when you're done."
"What?"
"If I were to pour the ketchup all over my fries, I wouldn't have a dry spot to hold it, so the ketchup would get on my fingers. . .and that's just nasty."
"Oh yeah, you don't like sticky stuff on your hands." He made a face. A face that told me something dirty ran through his mind. But he didn't say anything. He just looked down and blushed.
"Yeah. . .well. . ." It was getting awkward again. Horribly awkward.
"How about the album?" I asked happily. He stuffed some fries in his mouth.
"I'm almost done, but I wanted to ask you something."
"What?" I asked unsure.
"I want you to help me with a song." I looked at him confused.
"Why would you need my help?" He laughed.
"I want you to sing on one of the tracks." I laughed. I laughed so hard because he couldn't be serious.
"Sure, Justin. . ." I reached over and grabbed one of his fries.
"I'm serious," His eyes widened with excitement, "It'll be cool."
"Justin. . .I can't sing." He took a piece of cheese off of my salad.
"So what?" He stuffed the cheese in his mouth, "You don't really have to sing." Okay, now I'm lost.
"Then what the hell do you want me to do?" He smiled brightly.
"It's this song called 'Señorita', alright?"
"And that means?"
"Look, there's this part of the song where I get the audience involved. The guys say 'It feels like something's heating up, can I leave with you?' Then the ladies go, 'I don't know, but I'm thinking 'bout, really leaving with you.'" I need you to be a part of the ladies' group. Tiff and Ally can do it too."
"So, there's no singing?" He shrugged.
"It's more of a talking to the beat sort of thing." He smiled, "So, will you be a part of history in the making?" I laughed and nodded.
"Sure. . .why not?"
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"I can't believe we just did that!" Allison said excitedly as we plopped down on the couch. We laughed lightly and slouched further into the softness of the sofa.
I sighed and my eyes roamed around the lounging area of the studio. Justin was inside the actual recording area going over the track again with Pharrell, "perfecting it" as Justin liked to call it.
"We can say we're featured on a CD with Justin Timberlake!" Tiffany said with fake enthusiasm, causing us to laugh again.
"Justin would be pissed if he heard you mocking him." I warned as Tiffany rolled her eyes.
"Pssh. . ." She made a face, "Blue can kiss my Chicana ass!" I laughed and Allison poked my thigh.
"Hey, speaking of lover boy, how's things going?" I shrugged and played with the hem of my skirt.
"Okay. . .minus the awkwardness." They both nodded.
"It's to be expected," Tiffany informed me, "You slept with him." I rolled my eyes.
"Damn Tiffany! Why don't you just tell the world?" She huffed and pushed me.
"Oh stop it. It's just us." Right when she said that, Trace walked inside with a broad smile, Justin was right on his heels.
"So, how does it feel to be singers?" Trace mocked. We all laughed.
"I think I did an exceptional job." Allison joked, "I think I earned myself a Grammy." We all laughed at her when she claimed that she was serious.
"How was the perfection process?" I asked as I turned to face Justin. Everybody else had entered another conversation.
"Perfect." I rolled my eyes as he moved my elbow off of the armrest and sat down.
"You know, my arm was there." He smiled at me.
"So? I needed a seat."
"And?"
"And I got one." I glared at him and he laughed. I reached out and pinched his thigh. He yelped and laughed.
"Don't be a smartass."
"Don't touch the merchandise." he shot back. I reached out to pinch him again and he grabbed my hands, holding them in his.
"Let go of me. You have cooties." I whined as he laughed.
"You're worse than Jon, you know that right?" I stuck my tongue out at him, "Correction, you're worse than Steve."
"How dare you tell me that I'm worse than a five year old." He laughed and let go of my hands.
"How dare you act like it." I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms.
"I'm not talking to you after I finish this sentence." Justin laughed and poked me.
"Aww. . . C'mon Beautiful. . . Talk to me!" I ignored his pleas successfully until he tickled my sides.
"Stop it, asswipe!" I whined while I laughed.
"No." He continued to tickle me to the point where I stood up.
"I'm not playing, Jay. You're being immature." He stood up in front of me and smiled.
"And?" He reached out and grabbed me. His hands began to tickle me mercilessly and I giggled myself to tears. Justin was laughing along with everybody else.
"You better stop, Justin." Tiffany warned, "The last time Lonnie laughed that hard, she puked." Justin paused for a minute and I tried to regain my normal breathing pattern.
"Ew. . . You puked?" he asked with a disgusted look on his face. I breathed in deeply before exhaling.
"So what if I did?" He made a gaging sound, "Hey! I was drunk!" I argued as he stopped laughing.
"You were drunk?" Trace asked as I nodded. Him and Justin gave each other disbelieving glances before laughing.
"You have to be the most responsible person I know," Justin said after his laughing fit, "You don't even cross the street unless the light is green and you're at the curb." Everybody laughed.
"I'm just being safe about things. Excuse me for not jumping in the middle of LA traffic." Tiffany snorted.
"Girl please!" she laughed, "You spend like ten minutes at a STOP sign."
"One time this old lady beeped at her because she was taking so long." Allison added on. They all laughed again and I stood there, feeling out of place. Why does everybody turn on me?
"You guys are evil. Screw all of you bitches." I complained as I walked out of the room. I heard their laughter as I made my way down the hall to this cafeteria-like area of the building. I was making my way over to the coffee machine when I heard a familiar giggle.
"Beautiful. . ." he called in a sing-song tone, "Don't be mad." I rolled my eyes and poured some sugar and cream into my cup.
"Go to hell, you bastard." I grumbled as I added the coffee to the mix. I heard him walking over to me as his sneakers squeaked against the tile floor.
"Save me a seat?", I didn't answer, "We were only joking."
"Don't you mean ganging up on me?" I questioned as I watched his hands rest on either side of me. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck and his chest moving pressing against my back.
"I'm sorry that you felt that way." he whispered.
That's when I began to feel them. The butterflies. They were all over the place. The moment his breath met my ear, I couldn't control them. He was so close. He hasn't been this close since we broke up. It was a comfortable awkwardness, but it was still something we shouldn't be doing.
"What are you doing?" I asked softly. I felt him twitch against my back while sucking in a breath.
"Sorry. . ." he apologized as he pulled away from me. I turned to face him and I watched his hands dig deep inside his pockets as he rocked on his heels. He was looking at the ground blushing and refusing to meet my gaze.
"Justin?" He bit his bottom lip and looked up cautiously. I smiled and he seemed to get redder.
"I'm sorry for being so. . . weird. I just. . . I don't know." he laughed nervously, "There's really no reason as to why I just did that."
"There's always a reason." His eyes left mine and rested on something behind me.
"I didn't exactly want to break up with you, Alonsha." I stared blankly at him for a moment, completely caught off guard by his words.
"You said you were fine with it." He laughed sarcastically.
"I didn't really have a choice." he explained, "If I were to tell you that I wanted to stay with you, what would have happened?" He tilted his head to the side and looked at me expectantly.
"We probably would've gotten into an argument that would've made matters worse." I smiled and he nodded.
"Exactly." Things got quiet and I fiddled with my fingers.
"So, what now?" I asked as he looked at me.
"What do you mean?"
"Well. . .now that I know you still wanna be with me, I don't know what we're suppose to do." I answered honestly. I looked at the ground and nervously waited for his response. He didn't say anything for a while, but then I saw his feet inching across the floor, closer to me.
"It depends. . ." I looked up at him, "How do you feel. . . about me?" I never seen him blush so much in my life. He was so nervous about my answer. Shit, I was nervous about my answer. How do I feel about him? It was plain as day how I felt. He meant a lot to me. He made me feel things that I never thought I'd feel again. The man's sexy as hell. . . but all of that doesn't matter. I don't know if I trust him.
To trust, or not to trust? A question I no longer had the answer to. Sure I trusted Justin. . . friendship-wise. But even now I was questioning that. He played the hell out of me. He used me to win a bet. Used. That's such a strong word. . .
"I. . . don't know, Jay." He sighed disappointedly, "I mean. . . Justin I know how I feel, but I don't know if I can. . . trust you. You know what I'm sayin'?" He nodded and smiled weakly.
"Yeah. . . I know." He bit his bottom lip, "I have my own trust issues." What? He didn't trust me?
"You don't trust me?" I asked calmly.
"No, I do. Just not in the romantic sense." he explained, "Britney's like the third girl that has found some way to break my heart into a million pieces. I don't know if I'm really willing to put myself in the position to get hurt again."
"You know I would never hurt you." I said earnestly. He smiled down at me.
"Yeah. . . Like you know I would never hurt you?" His question got me. I understood what he was getting at. It was the same thing I was questioning.
"Point taken." We laughed briefly.
"Alonsha. . . I just want you to understand that the bet was probably one of the worst decisions I could've ever made. I was thinking with my ass instead of my head and I apologize for the millionth time."
"I know. . . It's just. . . hard to get over the fact that you didn't stop to think it through." He nodded.
"I know, I'm an ass." There was another silence before Justin laughed. I looked at him confused.
"What?" I asked as his eyes found mine. His tongue ran over his pink lips slowly.
"I was thinking about kissing you for a moment, but then I realized you'd probably smack the hell out of me if I tried." He laughed again and I laughed too, out of nervousness. Why'd he have to say that?
"Well. . . that's an interesting thought." I commented before he laughed again.
"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"So you tell me you want to kiss me?" He smiled.
"Sorry. . . But you know how blunt I can be."
"Don't I ever. . ." I mumbled as we laughed. He stepped closer to me.
"You know. . . I still got an urge to kiss you." I looked up at him with a playful grin.
"What if I smack you?" I smiled. He laughed and stepped closer.
"I think I'm willing to risk it. . ." he whispered. His lips laid on top of mine. They were so warm. . . so soft. . . so Justin. . .
But is was so wrong. Why was I standing here kissing him like there was nothing wrong with it? He wasn't my boyfriend. He was my friend. The same friend that used me to win a bet. The same man that is probably using me to get over the girl that broke his heart months ago. The same man that will find a way to hurt me again. . .
I pulled away from the kiss. For one, I needed air. And two, it wasn't right. He looked at me confused for a moment before the worst thing that could've happened did. . .
"Ahem." We both jumped and turned towards the voice. We were met by three pairs of eyes. Tiffany was the leader of the pack with a grin the size of Tennessee.
"Well, well, well. . ." Trace taunted. Justin cleared his throat and I bit my bottom lip nervously.
"Sorry for interrupting the awkward vibe running through the place, but I did come in here to eat." Ally said as she brushed past me and to the fridge.
"Well. . . I have to get going." I stated hurriedly. Trace looked at me completely amused by the situation.
"Since when?" he asked incredulously.
"I forgot that I promised Tom I'd help him with his job application." It wasn't a complete lie. It was just three days too early.
"Right. . ." I heard him say as I turned away from Justin.
"Come on Al." I said as I began to walk out of the room, "Tiff, you coming?" She raised a brow at me and smiled.
"Damn straight I'm coming." I rolled my eyes, knowing that I was going to be hit with a million questions once we got inside of the car.
-*-*-*-*-*-
After the girls left, Justin and Trace headed back into the studio. They were playing with their guitars and fiddling with the many buttons lining the recording station when Trace spoke, interrupting the silence.
"What the hell was that?" Trace asked jokingly as Justin grinned.
"I don't know what you're talking about." His fingers lightly strummed the strings of his guitar.
"Stop shittin' me, man!" Trace complained as Justin laughed, "You guys back together already?" He nudged him playfully.
"I don't know. . ." he answered with a shrug, "I just kissed her."
"But she let you." Trace argued. Justin shrugged again.
"You know how women are with their complicated theories about relationships," Justin placed the guitar in its case, "And you should know by now that Alonsha's in a class of her own." Trace laughed.
"Look man, all I'm saying is if I was to make the effort to kiss a girl, she better take it as a hint."
"Hint? Hint to what?" Trace shot him a look.
"A hint that I want to be with her." Trace explained, "You did kiss her to tell her that, right?"
"Says who?"
"You're gonna sit here and tell me that you kissed her just to kiss her?" Justin shrugged.
"I was in search of affection and she was there." Trace's eyes widened and his jaw dropped.
"Dude! Stop. Shittin'. Me." Justin stared blankly at him before cracking up.
"Your face was priceless! I swear!" Trace laughed and pushed him.
"I was about to kick you in the balls for that."
"What? Why?" Justin questioned as Trace shrugged.
"'Cause man, I feel bad about the whole bet thing. It would've been beyond fucked up if you screwed the girl over again." Justin nodded in agreement.
"I know. But I don't know what's going on. . . I mean I kissed her to show how much I'm feeling for her, but Alonsha just doesn't fall for shit that easily. I'm just hoping that she felt as much as I did in that kiss. . ."
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