A Shower of Confusion
It was baby shower time. Everybody was gathered at Ally's & Jared's house. It was a small get together. Tiffany, Scott, Jare, and Ally all invited their families. The moms were gathered on the back porch. The dads were out back with the moms, but were talking about golf and all that other shit. The siblings were all doing their separate things. The girls were upstairs, probably gossiping, and the boys were in the den playing video games. It was pretty cozy and light hearted. Ally invited Bridget. Tiffany brought Karen and I invited Michelle, a fellow counselor at the center.
"Are you all comfortable?" I asked as I greeted all the parents out back. They all nodded and I made my way into the kitchen through the back door.
"Are you guys done talking about lady things?" Scottie asked as I smiled at him. All the boyfriends have successfully isolated themselves within the confines of the kitchen. They were all huddled at the table drinking beers and playing cards.
"Nah, just a few more minutes before the food's ready though." That earned me some cheers. I laughed and walked back out the kitchen to join the ladies in the living room.
"Are they okay?" Tiffany asked as I returned to my spot next to her on the sofa.
"Yeah, they're just waiting for food." She shakes her head and laughs. I look down at my watch and roll my eyes. It's been an hour into this thing and Justin's a no show. Part of me was rejoicing though, hoping that he would call and cancel. I know it's wrong but I'm not a confrontational person. How do you tell a guy that you didn't mean to kiss him?
"Sorry I'm late." It's him. His voice is coming from the kitchen. The guys must've let him in through the back door. Damn it, what do I do now?
My eyes landed on the kitchen door, waiting for his figure to appear at any moment. What if he's confused and thinks that we made up? What if he comes out here and kisses me in front of everybody? That would be terribly awkward.
"Hey ladies!" Justin busted into Allison's living room, bearing gifts.
"Jay, you made it." Ally said cheerfully as he walked over and kissed her cheek. All the women smiled and stared at him in awe.
"You know I wouldn't miss this." he stated sincerely. All of the women awed in unison as his hand ran over her round belly softly. I was just frozen in place. He didn't even look in my direction. Hopefully it would stay that way.
"So Blue, what did you bring?" Tiffany asked curiously. Damn her. He smiled at her and walked over towards us.
"Just a little something something for the little one." He placed the basket of goodies on the gift table before facing me, "Beautiful. . ." he said with a tiny nod and playful smile. The small playful smile that was spread across his face the night we. . .
"Hey Justin." I say nonchalantly. He smiles at me and raises a brow. I'm confused by his flirty demeanor, but I ignored it, "It's about time you showed up."
"I'm sorry, but I got caught up in an interview." he explained before Karen cut in.
"Oh, don't worry about," She smiled, "We all know how busy you can be." Talk about being an obvious flirt. She was practically drooling.
"Thank you for being so understanding." He smiled and she turned a shade of crimson. Karen has got to be kidding me.
"Um. . . Do you guys mind if we head into the den? We wanna teach the amateurs how to play some video games." Jared asked as he walked out of the kitchen, followed by the group of men. Allison rolled her eyes.
"Whatever, but we'll be calling for dinner in a few." she informed. They all nodded before heading out.
"Is there a place where I can put this?" Justin held up his jacket.
"Yeah, you can put it in that closet." Allison pointed it out and Justin thanked her before hanging up his jacket.
"So are you going to join us in our little discussion here, Justin?" Bridget asked sweetly.
"Well, it depends on the topic." Justin took at seat on the recliner next to my spot on the couch.
"We're talking about how lazy men are and how they always leave it up to the women to do all the baby things. Changing diapers, feeding. . ." Justin cut her off.
"I have to disagree." Everybody rolled their eyes.
"Of course you would." Tiffany said as we laughed. Justin smiled and nodded calmly.
"The problem with you women is that you always categorize men in two ways, the lazy and the lazier." We laughed, "But you don't see it through a man's preceptive."
"And what's that?" Allison asked, completely unimpressed.
"When a man sees a baby, he gets scared. It's not laziness that makes us put on the work on the women, it's fear."
"Come on, Justin!" Michelle cut in, "Fear of what?"
"Making a mistake. Men know that they're idiots when it comes to things like that."
"And what does that justify? Don't women have the fear of making a mistake with the child?" I inquired.
"This is true," Justin smiled, "But women have mother nature on their sides. They're born nurturers, so even though they're scared, they always have their instincts to fall back on." All the women nodded.
"But what about sex." Bridget cut in, "Guys basically have the control in the bedroom and always talk about how great they are. But as soon as it comes down to the actual performance, they don't have a clue about what they're doing. We have to teach them how it's done." I laughed along with everybody else on that note. Justin scratched his cheek nervously.
"Well, that's not always true. Some guys don't need any help. Does anyone agree? Alonsha?" As soon as he spoke my name my eyes widened. Was he really expecting me to say anything about sex in front of everybody?
"Alonsha what?" I asked timidly.
"Do you agree or disagree?" he asked with a smile the size of Tennessee. So he wants to put me on the spot? I'll teach him not to mess with Alonsha Daniels.
"Well, I'd have to agree with Bridget." I smiled at him, "The last guy I slept with had no idea what he was doing." His face was the color of a beet by the time I finished my sentence. Everybody laughed, but Ally and Tiffany stood out the most. They both shot me knowing glances.
"Okay, I'm done with the discussion." Justin announced as he stood up from his seat. We laughed as he headed inside of the kitchen.
"That wasn't nice." Tiffany laughed.
"So what? That's what he gets for trying to be cocky." I smiled before being interrupted.
"I don't know what you're cooking, but it seems to be burning." I looked up to see Justin's head sticking out of the kitchen door.
"What?" I asked dumbly as I stood from my seat. He pushed the door opened and allowed me to walk in. I made my way to the stove and oven, checking to make sure everything was in place. He lied. Nothing was burning.
But then I felt him. Pressed up against me. I froze when I felt his hands run over my shoulder and down my arm.
"I missed you these last few days." he whispered. I closed my eyes and allowed his voice to wash over me. I finally snapped out of my dream world and realized that the longer this continued, the more confusing things would be.
"Justin, we need to talk." I said as I turned to face him. Big. Huge. Enormous mistake.
His mouth was on mine before I could blink. But to make matters worse, I never fought him off. In fact, I frenched him. Damn him. This wasn't supposed to be this hard. . . Speaking of hard. . .
"Is there a place we can go?" Justin asked softly as our lips parted briefly. My body screamed 'Yes, anywhere.' But my mind wouldn't allow it.
"No, Jay. We have to talk." I said as he backed up, allowing me enough space to walk over towards the fridge. He stood in front of me, but left a two feet distance.
"What's the matter?" His face was so full of worry. He had taken my kiss seriously and thought we made up. I felt so bad.
"Justin, that was a mistake." I gestured toward our previous spot in front of the stove.
"The food?" he asked innocently. I almost laughed at the look on his face.
"No, Justin. . ." I turned my gaze to a spot on the floor, "The kiss."
"Oh." I looked back at him. He was playing with his watch. His Jake the Jeweler watch. The watch that probably cost more than my car.
"Justin, I know that I shouldn't have kissed. But I wasn't really thinking with my head because I was too busy thinking with other. . . things." He smiled.
"Other things, huh?" I rolled my eyes and smiled too.
"Don't even, Jay."
"Your words, not mine." he mumbled. Then things grew silent.
"I'm really sorry for confusing you. Hell, I confused my damn self." I laughed nervously and Justin nodded while pursing his lips.
"So, you don't want to be with me?" he asked suddenly. I stared at him for a moment and looked down.
What kind of question was that? Do I want to be with him? Yes. But can I be with him? No. I don't trust him. Plain and simple.
"It's not about what I want, Justin. It's about what I need."
"Then what do you need, Lonnie?" I shrugged and pouted.
"I can't be with someone I don't trust." Justin sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Trust is something that is built throughout a relationship, Beautiful. It's not something that happens all at once." Did he think I didn't know what trust was?
"Justin, I know what trust is. I don't trust you anymore because of what you did." He stepped forward.
"I thought you forgave me."
"I did."
"Then what the hell?" he asked frustratedly, "Why can't we do this?"
"Because how am I suppose to know that this time it's genuine?" He took my hand.
"I told that I was sorry, and that I'll never hurt you again. I meant that. I mean that."
"Like you meant it before?" He dropped my hand, "Justin, you said a lot of things that I just can't believe anymore. You lied to me for five months without flinching."
"I wasn't lying to you. I was with you because I wanted to be with you. It wasn't about the bet."
"If it wasn't about the bet, then why didn't you just tell me?" I questioned.
"Because. . . I was really happy. Truly happy. I didn't want to lose that."
"So you keep it away from me instead of being upfront about things?" I asked incredulously, "How would you feel if I did that to you?" He shrugged.
"I'd probably be upset too."
"Exactly." He sighed.
"So what now?" he asked, "Do you want to be friends?" I didn't want to be his damn friend. I wanted to take him right here and now, but my pride made me hold my ground.
"Yeah. . . friends." Justin stared at me.
"No." What?
"No?" I asked, confused by his reaction.
"I don't want to be your damn friend," he whined, "I want to kiss you, touch you, be with you, Beautiful."
Don't say those words, please don't. "Justin. . ."
"I don't believe it, for one second, when you say you want to be my friend and how you can't be anything more than that." He has me there.
"I don't care what you believe, Justin. I'm telling you. . ."
"A bunch of bull." he inserted, "You want me just as much as I want you." He was right again. So what? Doesn't mean shit.
"Whatever Justin." I said while brushing past him, "I don't want to discuss this anymore."
"Why?" he asked annoyed, "Because you know I'm right?"
Yes. "No, you're not right." I corrected, "You don't want me Justin. There's a difference."
"What do you mean I don't want you? If I didn't want you, would I be standing here opening myself up to hurt and disappointment by telling you how I feel?"
"So now I'm going to hurt and disappointment you?" I asked, "What kind of shit is that?"
"I don't know if you're going to hurt or disappointment me, Alonsha. I don't know if anybody's going to hurt me. But I think that you're worth the risk." Worth the risk? He thought I was worth the risk. I just wish I felt the same way.
"I'm sorry, I'm just not willing to put myself out there again." Justin sighed and licked his lips.
"Fine." he threw his hands up in surrender, "I'm leaving."
"You can't leave," I protested, "Allison wants you here." He shook his head with an unamused smile.
"Do you want me here?" What the hell is up with the damn questions?
"It's not my baby shower." I stated as I made my way over to the stove.
"Why can't you just answer the question?" he asked angrily.
"Why can't you stop asking them?" I shot back.
"You know what, Alonsha?" he sneered, "I won't ask you anymore questions."
"Good." I sneered back.
"A matter of fact," He puffed up with pride, "I won't talk to you at all!"
"Even better!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!" Then he stormed out of the kitchen. I was so upset that I didn't realize how hard I was breathing.
I took in a deep breath and calmed myself down with peaceful thoughts. After I regained my normal breathing pattern, I began to place the meals in their separate dishes.
"Is everything alright? Justin nearly knocked me over on my way in." It was Karen. I didn't bother to look at her.
"Everything's fine." I confirmed sternly.
"You sure, because. . ."
"Karen. . ." I cut in, "Please. Just drop it, okay?" She appeared at my side and handed me another dishes for the mash potatoes.
"Okay," she said softly, "I'll just help you move the food out into the dining room." I smiled at her and nodded.
"Thanks, Kay."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
This has got to be the worse day of my life. Here I am, standing up and watching everybody sit in their assigned seat. Where was my seat? Right next to Justin. But I couldn't sit there. It was still very tense between us, and I was desperately looking for someone to switch seats with. But everybody was sitting next to their significant other. . .
Aha! Tylicia! She'll trade seats with me.
"Ty," I called as she was about to take her seat, "Can we switch seats?" She shot me a confused look.
"You don't want to sit next to Justin?" she asked in disbelief.
"I can't." I explained. Her eyes went across the table to Justin, who was placing the dinner rolls in the center of the table, before glancing back at me.
"You sure you don't want to sit next to Mr. Sexy?" She wiggled her eyebrows. I forgot that she was a. . . flirt.
"No I don't." I answered irritably. She shrugged and moved from her seat. I thanked her before sitting down. I watched as she made her way to Justin. He looked at her, confused as to why she was sitting next to him. She smiled and he smiled back weakly before meeting my gaze. He didn't look too happy.
"Here." I looked up at Michelle who was handing me a plate.
"Thanks." I mumbled softly, thankful that she broke the awkward tension of Justin's stare. After everybody was given their plates and eating utensils, we settled in our seats as we prepared for prayer. Jewel, Ally's mom, cleared her throat to get everybody's attention.
"Who would like to say grace?" she asked softly with a smile.
"Um. . ." Justin said timidly, "I'd like to say grace." Everybody smiled and joined hands. I closed my eyes and everybody else followed suit.
"You can go on, Justin." I heard Jewel inform before Justin cleared his throat and began.
"Dear Lord, we want to thank you for everything you have given us. We especially want to thank you for all the friends, and family that we have. We're grateful for the friendship and love that can be felt in this room, but we don't want to forget the glue that holds it all together: trust." That got my attention, "Something that takes a lot of time and effort to earn, but can be lost by a simple turn of events. We want to pray for those that have lost trust in someone, or has made someone lose trust in them. We ask that you help to heal those broken relationships and allow them to prosper. Amen."
"Amen." Everybody said in unison.
"Nice prayer, man." Jared congratulated as he smiled brightly. Justin blushed and shrugged it off.
"Thanks." he said shyly. I hadn't realized that I was staring at him until he was staring back at me. He smiled and I gave a weak one back. He was trying to reconcile. I know that. But his reconciliation meant trying out our relationship again, and I still couldn't do it.
"Could you pass me the chicken?" Dan, Scott's father, asked. I handed him the bowl of chicken, breaking eye contact with Justin, and he thanked me.
"You're welcome." I said politely as I turned my full attention to the table. There was a whole lot of people in here. The sounds of chatter, and the chimming of spoons & plates filled the entire room. Everybody was so happy.
Everybody but me.
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