Why Must I Confuse Myself?
"Look Alonsha, if you're gonna mope and groan all day, then maybe you should just work things out with him." I looked at Tiffany like she was completely insane before rolling my eyes.
"I'll be damned if I get up and try to fix something that I didn't break." I argued as I furrowed my brows angrily. She sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Al, can you tell the girl that she's being ridiculous?" Allison licked the remaining ice cream off of her spoon before turning to me.
"You're being ridiculous." she informed with a small smile. I rolled my eyes.
"Can you tell Tiffany that she can kiss my ridiculous ass?" Allison laughed before turning to Tiffany.
"Lonnie says you can kiss her. . ."
"I heard her." Tiffany grumbled before pinching my side. I yelped and threw the couch pillow at her head.
"Bitch." She turned and flipped me off before sitting on the floor by my feet.
"So what are you going to do?" she asked softly. I just shrugged and pouted. What was I going to do? Ever since Ally's baby shower, I haven't seen or spoken to Justin. That was two weeks ago.
"Well you better figure something out soon," Allison warned, "He goes home in two days. Well one, since he leaves the day after tomorrow. . ."
"I know. . ." I groaned. It was Christmas time, but I wasn't in the holiday mood. Everything wasn't going as planned. For one thing, I was suppose to be married, and we see how that turned out. Second, Justin and I were suppose to go shopping in London today, but of course we aren't. Well, I'm not at least. Justin still went, as I found out earlier through Elisha.
"So, you're just gonna let him leave and never speak to him until New Year's?" Allison asked with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"Pretty much." I stated sadly. She huffed and shoved me.
"Alonsha Claire Daniels!" She did not just use my full name.
"Oh no you didn't. . ." I said in complete shock.
"Yes I did." she shot back, "You are being ridiculous." I rolled my eyes.
"Am not." Tiffany laughed at my childish expression.
"See, you need Justin." I looked at her confused.
"Where the hell did you get that conclusion from?" I questioned. She gave me a look.
"Don't act like you don't miss the way you guys used to go on and on with the 'Am not, Are too,' business."
"I never said I didn't miss it." I looked down at my hands, "I do miss him you guys." I felt Allison rub her hand up and down my back and I heard Tiff 'aw', but it really didn't help.
I missed Justin. I missed my Randy Candy. I missed the way he would call me 'sweet thang' before informing me he was a pimp. I missed the way he would laugh at my jokes and make me smile when I felt my worst. I missed the way he kissed me. It was always soft and gentle. I missed the way he would hold my hand proudly as we walked to the local Coffee Bean. I missed my friend. I missed my man. . .
"If you miss him, go get him." Ally whispered. I looked up at her then at Tiffany. They wanted me to be with him. They wanted me to be happy. So did I. But I was scared. And stubborn. But mostly scared.
He could hurt me. Badly. Worst then Kyle even. It was because of our friendship. Something I hold so dear to me. If he hurt me in our relationship, he'd be hurting our friendship too. If I'm being completely honest here, the bet wasn't so much the problem. Justin was a bet maker and a prankster. It didn't really surprise me that he did what he did. . . But it was me. His friend. He didn't even stop to think about our friendship. It made me feel like I was too attached and that our relationship didn't mean as much to him as it did to me.
"Hey!" Tiffany yelled, "What were you thinking about?" I just shrugged again.
"Justin." I answered sheepishly.
"Oh, were you thinking, or were you thinking?" She raised a brow suggestively and I laughed despite myself.
"I was just thinking, you pervert." Her and Ally laughed and I rolled my eyes.
"So back to the serious stuff," Allison slouched into her seat, "Are you gonna go after him?"
"I still have tomorrow don't I?" Allison smiled and so did Tiffany. They gave each sideway glances and I knew what was coming.
"GROUP HUG!" they shouted in unison before pouncing on me. It was more Tiffany pouncing than Allison. She couldn't really move with the baby so she opted to snuggle into my shoulder, and hug me silly.
"Okay," I wheezed, "Can't breathe." They just laughed and squeezed me harder.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
I was here. I finally gathered up my balls and drove to his house. At first I hesitated. I actually sat in my car for ten minutes contemplating on turning around. Wondering if this was all worth it. If he was worth it. If I could handle the pain of losing him in the future. But then I realized that if I didn't try to make this work, I'd lose him anyway.
So I got out of the car. I walked up to the large oak doors of his home and pressed the dimly lit doorbell. I could hear the bell resounding throughout his house. I had a key, but I didn't want to just bust inside of the house and announced that I was there. So I just waited patiently outside of his door. I looked down at my flowery skirt and flip flops before running my hands over my blouse. Yes, I might have put a little effort into my attire today, but if I was going to see Justin, I wanted to look good.
After a few moments, I rung the doorbell again. I was gonna kick his ass if he was asleep, or out. I couldn't tell if he was in or not because the guy had a million cars parked all over the place. It would be ashamed if he wasn't in. All my effort would be in vain.
"Lonsha?" I turned around and saw Justin walking towards me with Belle and Bella, his two dogs. He was smiling at me and it only added to his handsomeness. He was already looking good in his black basketball shorts and white tee that read "White Boy" in bold black letters.
"Hey Justin." I said timidly before I felt two wet tongues on my ankles. I bent down to pet Belle and Bella, "And hello to you too." I cooed as I heard Justin chuckle.
"They missed you." he informed me with a smile. I hope the dogs weren't the only ones who missed me.
"Well, I missed them too." I said as I stood from the ground. I dusted my hands off on the sides of my skirt.
"You look good." Justin commented suddenly. I looked up at him with a smile.
"Thanks," I bit my bottom lip nervously, "You do too."
"Well. . . you know. . . thanks." Justin stuttered as he looked at his sneakers and smiled.
"I wanted to talk to you about something important." I blurted out of nervousness again. Justin looked at me and nodded.
"Sure," he said as he walked up next to me, "Let's go inside." He took a few steps in front of me to open the door. He allowed me to walk in before him. We made our way into the kitchen. I sat on one of the stools in front of the counter.
"Where's Trace?" I asked as Justin looked over at me.
"He's home already." he informed as he made his way around the kitchen. I watched as he took two dog bowls outside and placed them on the ground. Bella and Belle eagerly followed. He was pouring water into each of the bowls and the dogs wasted no time drinking it. He walked back inside, pulling the sliding door shut behind him.
"They sure were thirsty." Justin smiled and nodded.
"Yeah, I took 'em for a walk." he said as he made his way to the sink to wash his hands.
"Well, that explains it." He laughed lightly as he dried up and threw the paper in the trash.
"Speaking of explaining," He pulled out a stool next to me and sat down, "What is it that you want to talk about?" It took me a moment to remember my purpose for being there because of his cologne. It wasn't strong, but when sat down, his scent washed over me. He always smelt so. . . manly.
"Well. . . um, I kind of wanted to talk about us." I looked at him and he stared back.
"What about us?" he asked nervously. I looked down.
"Do you still want there to be an 'us'?" I asked quietly.
"Well duh, Lonnie." He smiled, "I never wanted us to end in the first place."
"You're saying it like it's my fault we broke up." I told him with a little annoyance.
"I'm not," He put his hands up in surrender, "I was the one that screwed things over and I'm sorry."
"I still don't understand why you did it." I admitted.
"I really couldn't tell you if I wanted to." he stated honestly, "All I know is that I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never want to do that." Then his hand came up and rested on mine. I looked at him and then at our hands.
"Justin, I really want us to try. . . to work." A smiled formed across his face, "But I want to go really slow."
"Like granny slow?" he asked jokingly.
"More like a sloth." He hissed and nodded.
"Okay, I guess that means we start all over again?" I looked at him shrugged.
"I don't know, maybe we can be friends again, just for a little while. . ." His hand left mine and he rubbed it against his thigh.
"Okay, friends again." He nodded solemnly, "I've got a problem with that though."
"Problem?" I questioned cautiously.
"Yeah. . . I don't really want to be your friend." I looked at him with wide eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"Alonsha, if we're gonna do this, it can't start off with a lie. And if I sit here and tell you I'm fine with being your friend, then I'd be lying."
"Justin, why are you making this complicated?" I sighed defeated.
"I can't help how I feel." he argued, "It's your fault anyway." I quickly diverted my attention to him.
"My fault? What the hell are you talking about?"
"You're the one who came over here all dressed up and gorgeous. Then you tell me you want to be my friend?" he questioned incredulously, "Like I said, it's your fault."
"I did not get all dressed up. It's a skirt and flip flops, Justin." I lied.
"Oh yeah?" He raised a brow, "What's with all the make up?" I gasped dramatically.
"I do not have a lot of make up on!" He narrowed his eyes and examined my face closely.
"Foundation, eye shadow, mascara, and color lip gloss." he confirmed proudly. Damn he was good.
"How'd you. . ."
"I lived with Britney for almost two years, I picked up a few things along the way." I pouted and turned away from him.
"Okay, so maybe I did fancy up a little bit." I admitted guiltily, "But I wanted you to know what you were missing." Justin chuckled.
"You always tease." I laughed and almost brought up our night together, but bit my tongue.
"Whatever. It worked didn't it?" I asked accusingly.
"Yeah," he sighed, "But you don't need make up to make me realize what I'm missing." He sounded almost hurt.
"I didn't mean to upset you." He looked up and smiled.
"Wanna make me feel better?" he questioned. I looked at him suspiciously.
"How?" I asked timidly.
"Come." I nearly fell over, "Upstairs that is." Whoa, I'm hella confused now.
"What the hell are you suggesting?" He laughed.
"You're a dirty girl, Lonnie." He laughed again, "I want you to come upstairs with me and help me wrap some gifts."
"Oh. . ." I said dumbly. He laughed and stood. I followed suit and fixed my stool.
"If you want to do what you were thinking I'm totally up for it." I hit him in the stomach.
"Could you stop thinking about sex for just one second?" I asked as I made my way up the stairs.
"Could you stop being sexy for one second?" The butterflies were back. Full force.
"I am not sexy." I impugned as I reached the top of the stairs.
"What? You are dead sexy. That's why I don't want to be your friend." I stopped at the top of the stairs and turned to face him.
"Will you stop saying that?" He smiled up at me.
"Sure, but I'd still feel it." I rolled my eyes and turned away from him.
"You can feel all you want, I'm just your friend." I could hear him sigh and for a moment, I almost felt bad.
Almost.
We finally made it into his bedroom. I sat on the edge of his floral designed bed and kicked off my sandals. I turned my head to look at the beautiful view from the open balcony doors. I could see the city buildings and the hills from my spot on the bed. It was so beautiful, and Justin got to see this all the time. It made me slightly jealous.
"I only have a few gifts left because Elisha and Trace helped me." Justin stated from his closet.
"You mean they did it for you?" I corrected as I turned my attention back to him. He laughed as he made his way towards me with a huge sack.
"Pretty much." he admitted as he placed the bundle in the middle of the bed.
"You are wrapping retarded." I teased and Justin laughed.
"And you're rhythm impaired." I laughed.
"I accept my disability."
"As do I." Justin smiled, "So let's get this wrapping party started."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Justin and I finished wrapping the gifts a few hours ago and were now sitting comfortably on his leather sofa while watching television. We weren't really watching the television because we talked through almost everything that was on. It felt nice for things to normal again. I forgot how good it felt to just have his company. To be able to talk about everything and never get tired of the same ole stories we heard a million times before.
The entire atmosphere was a comfort to me. I was so used to his hardwood floors and the clickety-clack of Belle's & Bella's claws against them. Justin's booming laugh and my "contagious cackle", as Justin so affectionately called my giggle. It was like I was a kid again. A time when all that mattered was your favorite doll and a good buddy to share it with.
"This is fun." I said suddenly. Justin lazily rolled his head over to meet my gaze.
"What?" he asked as he draped his arm over his head.
"Hangin' with you, homeslice." I said with a small smile. Justin laughed lightly and turned away from me.
"You seriously need to find a new word." He picked up the remote and changed the channel.
"Or maybe. . ." I grabbed the remote out of his hand and changed it back to the previous station, "You can just accept my word." With a smile on his face, he took the remote from my hands.
"Or maybe you'll hear yourself say it and realize how ridiculous it sounds." I pouted and pretended to be hurt by his statement.
"I'm not ridiculous." Justin laughed.
"I forgot how cute your pout is." I rolled my eyes and turned to face him.
"Cute? I thought I was dead sexy." He smiled and reached over to hold my hand. He was playing with my fingers idly.
"You are," He looked down at our hands, "But your pout is too childish to be sexy." I didn't really know what to say to that. Especially since I didn't know how to react to him touching my hand. This entire day had been weird in some way. Him staring at me for long periods of time. Me thinking about him in a not-so-platonic sense. And he has found every excuse to touch me. I was going to go crazy at any moment. It's hard for me to hold strong to this friendship rule when all I want to do is take him anyway I can.
"And in other news, pop star Justin Timberlake, has been spotted with an unidentified female. Could she be a new love interest in the heartthrob's life or is she a post- Britney rebound?" My eyes instantly shot towards the television. I had changed the channel to one of those entertainment shows. On the screen in front of me were pictures or me and Justin walking hand in hand or us driving down some random street. I was in shock. I was on television! Ew, they got me in sweat pants. . .
"I hate these damn shows." Justin spat out angrily before changing the channel. I sighed when I felt his hand leave mine.
"It's just a show Justin." I reasoned as I tucked my legs underneath me.
"It's a tabloid in motion." he corrected and I smiled.
"Lighten up," I groaned, "You're gonna get gray hairs over nothing."
"Easy for you to say. Your face isn't everywhere every five seconds." I looked away from him. He was right. I didn't understand that aspect of his life.
"Sorry. . ." I whined. Justin looked at me with a boyish grin.
"Don't be so sensitive." I shot him an angry look.
"I'm sensitive?" He nodded, "I'm not the one who cried during 'The Lion King'." He gasped dramatically.
"Hey, I only did it because Moufasa died." I started cracking up. Justin laughed too and hit me.
"Ow, don't hit me." I whined before pinching his arm. He yelped and rubbed the reddening area.
"That shit hurt!" he complained.
"Well duh, Jay. That's the whole point." Then I saw it. The playful glimmer in his eyes. I slowly began to rise from my spot on the couch.
"You're gonna pay for that." he growled as he rose from the couch also.
Then I made a run for it.
I ran so fast that I thought that I lost him, until I felt his fingers graze the back of my shirt. He mumbled a frustrated 'damn' and I screamed before cracking up.
"Justin stop!" I shouted. That only caused him to respond with a cynical laugh. I hated being chased. It was the worst feeling in the world. But I had to keep running. Not that I was scared of being caught, but it's all about that triumphant feeling you get when it's all over.
"You better pump those crazy legs woman!" Justin warned, "'Cause I'm about to get you!"
"Fuck you!" I screamed and sped up. Shit, I was tired. I knew I was gonna be sore in the morning. I needed to slow him down. I looked behind me and screamed when I saw him turning the corner, right on my heels.
"I almost. . ." He was reaching for my shirt. Oh no, it's not over yet. I turned the corner sharply and glanced over my shoulder in time to see Justin slide to a stop before continuing his pursuit after me. I laughed. He was getting as tired as I was.
"I think Randy's getting tired." I taunted.
"I'm not the old fart here, Lonnie." We were both breathing pretty hard by this time. His house was so big, damn it. But for a big house, it sure had a limited amount of places to hide. Then a light went off in my head. Upstairs was my salvation. So I made a daring u-turn. Justin was so surprised by my action that it took him a while to catch up. I turned the corner into the living room and then turned again towards the stairway.
"Cramp!" I shouted as a piercing pain shot through my side.
"I'm gonna get ya!" Justin said confidently. Ha, that's what he thought. I took the stairs two at a time and ran across the walkway at the top. I spotted an open door and ran inside, slamming it shut behind me. I locked it right before Justin's hands began to desperately twist and turn the knob.
"Oh! And what, sucka!?!" I shouted through the door.
"I'll show you what!" Justin shouted back before it got quiet. I flopped back on the bed and breathed in deeply. It seemed as though there wasn't enough oxygen in the room. I smiled to myself proudly. So this is how it feels to be cocky? No wonder Justin likes it so much. . .
Then I heard them. Keys. The chiming sound resounded in my ears and I felt my panic rise. He has keys to the rooms?
"No!" I shouted pathetically as I ran towards the door. But it was too late. The door swung open and Justin stood there, dangling the keys from his hands. I held my head down in shame.
"Who's the loser now? Sucka!" he mocked and I laughed.
"Damn it, that's cheating!" I argued. He mimicked my pouting face and walked over to me.
"I win fair and square." Justin corrected cockily, "Now, as for my prize. . ." I put my hand up to silence him.
"There was no agreement to a prize." I protested.
"Whenever you win something, there's always a prize. It's like an unwritten rule." I narrowed my eyes at him.
"I don't do unwritten rules. If it's not etched in stone, it doesn't count." He smiled and raised a brow.
"Really?" he asked.
"Damn straight. The world works on contracts and facts. So unless I see my signature on a piece of paper that promises you get a prize. It doesn't count." Justin nodded.
"Okay," He nodded and placed his hand under his chin, "If those are the rules." I smile smugly and brushed past him. I walked into the hall and traveled down the stairs, proud of my win. I turned around to face Justin as I continued to walk backwards.
"I think my victory deserves some sort of celebration. Preferably an alcoholic one." I said as he smiled at me, "Got anything good?" He shrugged and I turned back around when we reached the kitchen area. I got some Arbor Mist out of his wine cooler and grabbed two glasses. After opening the bottle, I poured some of its contents in each of the glasses. I handed a glass to Jay.
"To a justified victory on your part." Justin said as we tapped our glasses. Damn I loved this stuff. It was sweet and fruity, but held that champaign quality to it. But then it was gone. Justin had taken it and placed it on the counter behind me.
"Hey, I was enjoying that." I whined before I felt his hand resting on my hip.
"I can't do this." he whispered.
"What?" I asked dumbly as he moved closer to me. He didn't answer, instead he kissed me. Hard. At first I was shocked and angry that he was doing this, but then I listened to my raging libido. I moaned into his mouth when I hit something hard behind me. The counter. I could feel his hands slip pass my hips and land on my ass. He tightened his grip and lifted me up onto the cold counter top.
His hands were underneath my shirt, pinching my nipples through my bra. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him deeper while pulling him closer to me. I felt his hands make their way down my sides and stop at the hem of my shirt. He began to pull the material over my head and I reached down and pulled it off all the way. A cold wind hit my skin the moment my shirt was removed. I instantly clung to Justin as he began to kiss my neck. My hands caressed the back of his neck and ran through his soft brown curls.
He pulled away for a moment, leaving me to fight the cold on my own. He was removing his tee shirt. I watched as he hard stomach came into view. It made me realize how flabby mine was, but I didn't get chance to think about all that. His mouth crashed down on my own before his shirt hit the ground. The heat radiating off of his chest warmed me instantly. I could feel the cold metal of his chain against my chest and I shivered.
My hands traveled in between us and I undid his pants. I gasped when I felt his hot dick on inner thigh. He had gone commando. It made me wonder if he had planned this, but I lost my train of thought the moment his hands pulled my underwear down. I lifted my hips against his and he moaned. I began to kiss his earlobe and lick a trail along his neck. My hands rested on his lightly freckled shoulder as I did so. His hands ran up my back and unhooked my bra. I captured his mouth and kissed him feverishly. I wanted him so badly. All of the time we spent apart and all the dreams I had of being with him were fading memories. I was with him now and I planned on getting everything I dreamed of.
Then, mid-kiss, we heard it. Two little whimpers coming from the floor. Justin and I froze in place and looked down. We laughed when we saw the curious brown eyes of Belle and Bella staring up at us. Their little heads were tilted to the side in thought. God only knows what they were thinking.
"I wonder how long they've been watching. . ." I mumbled. We laughed and disconnected from one another. Justin bent over and lifted his pants back over his hips. I hopped off of the counter and quickly grabbed my shirt from the tile floor. I held the material against my chest and searched for my bra.
"Here." Justin said shyly as he held up the piece of clothing. I smiled and thanked him before my eyes fell to the dogs.
"Sorry about that you guys." I apologized jokingly. Then I felt Justin behind me. He kissed my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me.
"We can take this upstairs." he whispered. I could feel the coarse hairs of his stubble against my neck. I giggled when he purposely nuzzled into my neck.
"We probably shouldn't," Justin whimpered in protest behind me while holding me tighter, "You have a flight to catch tomorrow morning."
"So what?" he whined, "I had to get up after four hours of sleep. It's only nine-fifteen, girl. If we get an hour in tonight. . ." I cut him off with my laughter as I turned to face him.
"I can't believe you're timing this." He smiled down at me.
"I'm trying to be organized here." I laughed again.
"You sound absolutely ridiculous." He moved up and wrapped his arms around me before leaning down and kissing me.
"If we go upstairs, I can find a better use for my mouth." He wiggled his eyebrows and I laughed.
"Fine, I'll let you ravish me." I joked as Justin chuckled.
"Ravish you, huh?" I nodded, "You sure you can handle this?" I snorted offensively.
"Why all the talk, Timberlake?" I questioned sarcastically, "Show me what you got." I backed up and stood in a challenging stance. Arms wide open with a smug look on my face. He laughed at me.
"I'll show you what I got." Then he grabbed took my hands in his, pulling me upstairs. I giggled again and felt those familiar butterflies.
"Don't get too crazy now." I joked as we reached his bedroom door. He laughed and kissed me deeply.
"Now where's the fun in that?"
*-*-*-*-*
I woke up the next morning tired and slightly dazed. I looked around the room in a morning blur. After rubbing my eyes, they began to gain focus. When I finally realized where I was, I smiled to myself. I looked over to my left and sighed disappointedly when I saw that he was gone. My eyes finally rolled over to the alarm clock resting on his night stand. It was 10:30am. Justin had left an hour ago. I wish he would've woke me up to say goodbye. But I guess there's no sense in complaining now. He was on a flight home and there was nothing I could do. But I could shower.
I eagerly hopped out of bed at the thought of a hot shower. I quickly regretted such enthusiasm when my feet hit the cold wooden floor of the hall. I didn't understand why Justin wanted hardwood floors all over the house. It was so cold in the morning. But I sucked it up and made my way to the bathroom next door to his room. I didn't want to used his bathroom. He was entirely too germophobic. He'd have a heart attack if I used his shower.
Anyway, after a fifteen minute shower, I dried up and put on my clothes. Well most of it, minus my panties. They had mysteriously disappeared. While heading down to the kitchen, I realized that Belle and Bella were missing. Justin had probably taken them with him. So I was alone. In an enormous mansion. I wooed and hooted childishly to hear the echo of my voice. The silence was deafening to me. I didn't understand how Justin could stand it.
My journey through the house led to the kitchen. I smiled when I saw a Dunkin Donuts bag on the counter and a cup of Java Juice. Next to the bag was a folded note with my name written across it. That was definitely Justin's handwriting. I could always recognize it because of the huge loops and chicken scratch quality.
I lifted the note and opened it:
Dear Beautiful,
If you're reading this, you're probably awake (And it's about time!). Well anyways, if you haven't noticed, I left you some breakfast on the table. It's not much, but it'll hold you over until you get back home. I wish I was there with you, but mama would've killed me if I didn't come home for Christmas. If you didn't sleep in so late, maybe we could've said goodbye (If you know what I mean), but I guess I can't always get what I want. Okay, I'm going to stop babbling. Have a wonderful holiday. I'll call when I land. Send my Merry Christmases to everybody.
You know I love you, homeslice!- Your Delectable Randy Candy
P.S. I took your undies for safe keeping. I hope you don't mind.
By the end of the letter, I was practically in tears from laughing so hard. He was out of his mind. And how dare he use my word after calling it ridiculous. Me and him were going to have to talk about that. I looked over the note one last time before placing it inside of my Dunkin Donuts bag. As I made my way towards the door, I grabbed my car keys off of the coffee table.
Tiffany and Allison were going to have a field day after I tell them about what happened. I had finally done something for myself. At least I thought it was for myself. Oh shit, I had sex with Justin after telling him I wanted to be friends. What if he. . .
No! Stop it Lonnie, you're confusing yourself. And you're talking to yourself. . . I shook my head slightly, trying to push away the confusing thoughts circling in my head. I wasn't going to screw things up. I took a stand last night. I showed Justin how I felt. If he didn't get the message, then he wouldn't have left that note. At least I hope that's the case. . .
Damn it! There I go confusing myself again. I seriously need to relax.
"Breathe, Alonsha. . . Breathe. . ." I couched to myself, "Things are going to be all right."
Right?
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