A New Door
Alonsha, I love you.
I played the words over and over again in my mind as I stared at him like a deer in headlights. Maybe I heard him wrong. Maybe he's joking. Maybe this a dream. Justin isn't here. I'm not on his roof watching the stars. I'm at home. In bed. Sleeping.
"Alonsha?" Or not.
I blinked and snapped out of my trance. Justin looked at me worriedly as his hand gave mine a light squeeze. He was really there. It wasn't a dream. It was all real. Justin Randall Timberlake loved me. Me. I didn't know what to say to that. My mouth went numb the moment the words escaped his lips. But he was waiting. He was waiting so patiently for my response.
"Thank you." I blurted out of nowhere. I didn't even believe that was me for a minute. I did not just tell him thank you. I have truly entered the bottom of the stupidity barrel. Apparently Justin believed this also because of the confused look on his face.
"Thank you?" he questioned suddenly.
Damn it, think Lonnie. Say something good. Tell him. . . tell him. . .
"Very much?" I added unsure. I cringed the moment I felt his hands drop mine hastily. He sighed and looked down, his face full of confusion. He turned away from me and stood. I still sat there, afraid to move. My eyes traveled up his tall frame and landed on his face. He looked lost. Distraught.
"Very much, huh?" he added in disbelief, "I can't believe you just said that." He said that in a whisper and I barely caught onto his words. He began to walk to the ladder and climb down, mumbling a few inaudible words on his way. I groaned and rubbed my hands over my face.
This wasn't the way it was suppose to be. I was suppose to say 'I love you too', but I didn't. I said thank you. THANK YOU! For the love of all things good and holy. . .
"I'm such an idiot." I whined into the quiet night. I had to fix this. I had to explain to Justin what I was feeling. The numbness quickly faded from my body and I stood up. After gathering the blanket I headed down the ladder and through Justin's bedroom. I creep my way through the hall and down the stairs. I could hear the water running in the kitchen. I tossed the wool blanket onto the sofa and headed in the direction of the noise. Sure enough, Justin was at the sink, washing spoons and cups.
Now that I was in here, I didn't know what to say. I guess I've lost my way with words temporarily. I bit my bottom lip nervously as he turned off the running water. He dried his hands with a towel before placing it back on the counter. I could see him hesitate to turn around before he actually did. He looked at me briefly before walking over to the kitchen table, grabbing the two ice cream containers he must've put there. Again, I said nothing. I simply watched as he walked around the kitchen, moving things here and there to keep himself occupied.
"You gonna stand there all night?" Justin sighed. I jumped slightly, but his back was to me, so he didn't notice. I rolled my eyes, frustrated with my lack of speech as I tried to think of something to say.
"No. . . I just. . ." I stuttered helplessly. Justin turned and faced me. He didn't seem sad, or angry. In fact, he didn't look like anything at all. He had an emotionless face, which made it harder to figure out what to say.
"You what?" he asked. I shrugged. Nice one, Lonnie. Nice. I thought sarcastically.
"Do you need help with anything?" I asked lamely. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.
"Naw, I'm good." he answered.
"Justin look, I'm sorry. . ."
"Alonsha," Justin said, cutting me off abruptly, "It's late. Maybe you should go."
Ouch.
"Oh," I whimpered out, shocked by his words, "Okay. I'll just. . .um. . . yeah." I smiled briefly before turning to leave. My head hung low as I put back on my sneakers and hoodie. I grabbed my keys from my pocket before opening his door. With a glimmer of hope, I looked behind me to see if he was there.
He wasn't.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"Damn it." Justin mumbled as he bent over to pick up his CD. That was the millionth time that happened today, and he was getting pissed off at the unleveled asphalt of the streets of LA.
"You alright, man?" Justin turned his head to face his best friend. He nodded and placed his Radiohead CD safely in his Walkman.
"I'm good." he lied. Trace raised a brow and sighed. He knew Justin was lying and he didn't like it.
"Stop shittin' me," Trace scolded, "What's up?"
"Nothing." Justin assured.
"Fine," Trace sighed, "What happened last night, anyway?" His question caused Justin to fall silent again. Justin had 'failed' to mention his little mishap with Alonsha. But he didn't want to talk about it. The whole thing had been awkward, hurtful, and embarrassing. He didn't see the point in putting more salt into his wounds.
"We had ice cream and watched a movie." Justin explained. It wasn't a complete lie.
"And?" Trace pried excitedly. Justin rolled his eyes while placing his headphones on.
"And nothing." He pressed play and allowed the music to drown out the noise of LA, not to mention Trace's voice. Yes, it was rude. And Yes, Trace did nothing to deserve such treatment. But Justin was mad. He was mad at Alonsha for not saying 'I love you too.' He was mad at himself for telling her how he felt. It was a total waste because he had been right, Alonsha shot him down the moment the word 'love' escaped his lips
"Justin!" Trace called out loudly. Justin pretended not hear him as he stared out of the window. He was doing a good job until a cell phone was shoved into his face. He jumped slightly before snatching the device from Trace's hand.
"What?" He answered into the phone, annoyed.
"Justin?" It was her. The woman who didn't love him.
"Yeah. . ." Justin answered in a disinterested tone.
"I wanted to apologize." Justin rolled his eyes.
Apologize for not loving me? He thought bitterly as he sighed into the phone, "There's no need for all that. It's cool." It wasn't cool. It sucked. It really, really sucked.
"I don't believe that for one second." Alonsha argued. Justin breathed in deeply before exhaling.
"Well that makes two of us." Justin cringed when he finished his statement. That wasn't suppose to be said out loud.
"Justin. . ."
"Alonsha, I gotta go." Justin said suddenly, "I'll call you later." He didn't give her a chance to respond. He had hung up before she got a syllable in. Trace looked at him weirdly as he tucked his cell phone in his pocket.
"She didn't say it back, did she?" Trace concluded. Justin glared at him.
"What do you think?" he snapped.
"Don't get that attitude with me." Trace commanded, "I know you're upset, but there's no need to be a dick about it." Justin looked down at his hands before looking back at Trace.
"You know, this is all your fault." he blamed. Trace looked at him like he was crazy.
"My fault?"
"Yeah your fault." Justin said angrily, "You and your 'Go get her. You love her' bullshit got me played." Justin complained.
"I didn't say she loved you too." Justin gasped in disbelief.
"You told me I should tell her I love because she felt the same way." Trace halted his words.
"Nah uh," he corrected, "I said she might feel the same way." Justin realized that this was true, but dismissed it anyway.
"You still made me do it. You hyped me up for it." Trace sighed and waved him off.
"Don't blame me for your girlfriend issues." he huffed, "If you want my help, then ask." Justin laughed sadistically.
"You've got to be kidding me, Trace." he exclaimed, "I've known you my whole life, and I have to say that this is the worst thing you could've done to me."
"I didn't do anything!" Trace shouted back, "She didn't say 'I love you'. Okay, I'm sorry, but it's not my fault."
"So it's all Alonsha's fault?" Justin questioned irritably.
"It's nobody's fault. You can't force someone to love you." Justin's blood boiled.
"So I have to force her to love me, now?" His breathing got heavy and Trace looked at him like he had two heads.
"I didn't say that." Trace explained, "I'm saying that you can't be angry because she doesn't love you yet."
"Whatever." Justin sneered as he placed his headphones over his ears, turning the volume up to its highest. Trace sighed and shook his head when Justin turned away from him and placed his head against the cool glass.
He just didn't get it. Love took time.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
So, I screwed up. I screwed up badly. But it wasn't really my fault. I was stunned. He came out of nowhere and told me he loved me. That was something I wasn't expecting to hear. Not now, anyway. I just wish he'd talk to me. I haven't seen him since that night because of all the performances and interviews he's doing. He did call me back though. It had been a tense call with a lot of awkward silences, but at least I got to hear his voice.
"Ms. D!" I looked up from my organizer to see Tom grinning at me. I smiled back weakly and sat up.
"What can I do for you, Tom?" I asked as he strolled over to me, licking his lips in the process.
"You can do a lot of things." I rolled my eyes and snorted in disgust.
"Tom, please." I said as I pouted, "Not today." He took a seat in the chair across from me and looked at me concerned.
"What's wrong, boo?" he questioned. I shrugged, not really wanting to reveal my personal life to some hormone-crazed teenager.
"Nothing, I'm just tired." I was tired. I had been up all night planning a birthday party for Chris, a fellow counselor here. He was the foundation of this place. Without Chris, this center would be in shambles.
"Were you planning that party for the C-Man?" Tom questioned as I nodded.
"You didn't tell anybody about it did you?" He shook his head 'no' and smiled at me.
"I would never break a promise to you, Ms. D." I sighed and leaned back into my chair.
"How's your mother doing?" I asked as Tom shrugged.
"She's doing better. The medicine's helping her with the pain." I nodded happily. Tom's mother had gotten into a car accident a few months back. She almost died and Tom had lost it. Depression. Drugs. But he came in one day, crying to me. He wanted to change and he has. Now he's happy, drug-free, and going to college this summer. I was proud of him. It was kids like Tom that make my job worth it.
"Good, good." I nodded, "What about you? Did you pass that AP final?" He nodded and smiled.
"Yeah, I got a four out of five." He laughed, "My mom freaked out!" I laughed at his excited expression before a knock came at my door. Diana, the one I helped with her term paper, walked in with a smile.
"Ms. D," she cooed, "You have a fine ass white boy asking for you." I laughed when she winked. Fine ass white boy? Justin?
"Tell him to come in." She walked back out and Tom turned to me.
"Let me find out you cheating on me." he joked. I laughed before I saw a tall figure walk into the room. His full lips held a small smile. His blue his shined in the light. His hair was shagged over his eye and he brought his large hand up to brush it away. My heart stopped before beginning to pump at an unimaginable speed.
"Kyle?" I questioned in disbelief. His smile widen, revealing his white teeth.
"Hey, Alonsha." I continued to stare at him in shock. I could see Tom looking back and forth between us through the corner of my eye before he stood to introduce himself.
"Wassup, man? I'm Tom." They did that stupid handshake thing before Kyle smiled and nodded.
"I'm Kyle." he said in a soft tone. Tom nodded before smiling at me.
"Apparently." They both laughed, but I wasn't amused. Tom excused himself and shut the door. I continued to sit quietly as Kyle walked over to my desk and took a seat.
"How have you been?" Was he kidding me? How have I been?
"What the hell are you doing here?" The grin that once graced his face quickly faded at my annoyed tone. He sighed before speaking.
"I wanted to tell you something." I raised a brow.
"You could've called." I said, "My number hasn't change." He laughed sarcastically.
"Right." He folded his hands in his lap, "I'd call and you'd hang up." I rolled my eyes.
"What do you expect me to do? Have some type of. . . conversation with you?" I asked angrily.
"We used to talk all the time."
"Yeah, until you cheated." I stated, "Well, until I caught you, anyway." He nodded.
"I know. I messed things up." I snorted.
"How long did it take you to figure that one out?" He took a deep breath before talking.
"I didn't come down here to argue with you, Alonsha."
"Well maybe you should just leave."
"Natalie's pregnant." Kyle blurted out suddenly. I stared at him in disbelief.
"Pregnant?"
"Yeah." he confirmed, "She told me she was a month after we broke up." I can't believe this shit.
"So it's yours?" I asked as he nodded.
"I was the only one she was with at the time."
"How do you know?" I asked sarcastically, "I thought the same thing with you. We both know how wrong I was."
"Natalie's not like that." he stated.
"You mean she's not a two-timing jackass, such as yourself?" I could see him squirm at my words. Good. The son-of-a-bitch.
"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean." Kyle agreed, "We're going to be a family." I raised a brow.
"A family?"
"Yeah," He paused dramatically, "I. . . We're. . .um. . . We're getting married." So, this is what it feels like for someone to break your heart, stomp all over it, then stab every bit and piece of it.
"You're marrying her!?!" I yelled before calming myself down, "So this is what you came down here for?" I asked bitterly.
"I thought you had a right to know."
"You thought it would be fun to rub this in my face." I accused.
"No, I. . ."
"Kyle," I interrupted, "You've done enough to hurt me. I didn't need this to be the icing on the cake." He shook his head vigorously.
"No, Alonsha. I didn't want to hurt you." He almost sounded sincere.
"Well you know what, Kyle? You did." I stood up angrily and Kyle did the same.
"I'm sorry." he apologized meekly. I rolled my eyes.
"I don't care how sorry you are. In fact, your apologizes don't mean a damn thing to me."
"Alonsha. . ."
"If you want to be sorry for somebody. Be sorry for this kid of yours." I sneered, "With its father being a cheating bastard and his mother being a stupid whore, there's not much hope for 'em." I was furious. I wanted to kick his ass from here to kingdom come.
"Alonsha, I. . ." Does he really think I give a flying fuck about what he has to say?
"Get out." I demanded, "Get out, and don't come back ever again!" I yelled. His once intimidated face, turned into a intimidating one.
"Alonsha, you can hate me all you want, but don't talk about Natalie like that. You don't even know her" What? Was he insane?
"I know that she fucked you, Kyle. That's all that I need to know." His hand suddenly reached into his back pocket and he pulled out a pastel blue envelope.
"Here," He tossed it on the desk, "Nat wanted you to have it, but I think it's better if you don't show up." He stormed out of my office, slamming the door obnoxiously loud. I sighed and walked back to my chair. I fell into it with a plop and picked up the envelope.
It was an invitation to her baby shower. Has the bitch lost her mind? I opened up a drawer of my desk and tossed the envelope inside of it. I wanted to tear it up and throw it in the trash, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
My life sucked. My boyfriend hates me. My ex is having a baby and getting married to the woman who I caught him cheating on me with. I'm tired. I'm PMSing. My head aches. I'm hungry. Tiffany's too busy with fashion. Scott is teaching. Jared is doing his construction work. Al is being pampered by her mother and her boyfriend's mother. I'm alone. Even Bosco's gone back to Englewood to hang out with Ally's little siblings.
Was I meant to have such a suck ass life? Did I bring this all on myself? It had to be me. Everybody that has hurt me is out of my life. I only have the people who care about me around. Yet nothing is making sense anymore.
I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.
I was having a mid-life crisis.
Was that possible at 20 years of age? I didn't even know. But that had to be it. Happiness wasn't something that seemed tangible anymore. Every time I think I'm there, something makes it shift further away from me.
I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate
So, what was happening to me? One minute, I'm with Justin, happy as a clam. Then he says 'I love you', something that should've been a joyous time for the both of us, but I ruined that. Kyle comes strolling into my office, telling me that he's moving on. Getting married. Having kids. Or a kid. Whatever. The point is, that was suppose to be my life. He selfishly took my future from me. And all I did was love him.
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all
I'm tired. I'm tired of being ruled by everyone and not taking my own feelings into consideration. I spend so much time worrying about what others will think of me, that I don't really live my life to the fullest. Like what I'm doing now. I feel bad because I didn't tell Justin that I loved him. But why should I? It's not my fault that I'm not ready yet, and if Justin loves me, like he claims he does, he'll understand that. That's if he'll ever talk to me again.
-*-*-*-*-*-
Justin was finally home again. He was getting a two day break from his promotions. He was grateful because it sure was tiring and his face was beginning to hurt from smiling so much. He had comfortably curled himself onto the couch with his mesh basketball shorts hanging off of his butt, revealing his Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Nobody was here. No noise was heard. Justin was starting to appreciate the gift of silence. . . Until the doorbell rang.
He groaned but didn't move. If the person got pass his gates, they had a key. It was their choice to use it. With that thought in mind, Justin stayed in his comfortable cocoon. The bell rang again and Justin tried his best to ignore it. It rung again and he rolled his eyes. The ringing stopped for a moment and Justin sighed in relief. The person was gone. Finally.
He picked up the remote and flipped aimlessly through the stations. Nothing caught his interest, except for the jingling sound of keys. Justin sat up on the chair and walked out of the living room, passed the stairs but halted his action before reaching the front door.
"Hey, Justin." She smiled at him and he fought every muscle in his face to prevent himself from smiling back. She looked cute in her capris, tee, and flips flops. Her hair was out in a bushel of curls that surrounded her chubby face. The lip gloss she was wearing added to the deliciousness of her lips, and he could smell the honey sweetness of her skin.
"What are you doing here?" he asked in a disinterested tone. He found himself talking to her like that a lot lately. And by the sad look on her face, she noticed.
"I wanted to talk to you about the other night." He huffed and turned away from her as he made his way back to his sofa sanctuary. She, of course, followed him into the living room, taking a seat next to him before he had a chance to stretch out along the couch.
"I don't feel like talking, Alonsha." Justin grumbled childishly.
"Then don't," Alonsha offered, "I just need you to listen." Justin snorted and rolled his eyes.
"If you're going to apologize again, save it." He picked up the remote again and flipped through the channels. Alonsha reached out and grabbed the device out of his hands. She flipped the t.v. off and adjusted in the seat so she was facing him.
"This isn't an apology, Justin." Alonsha corrected, "I don't need to apologize for anything." Her words quickly caught his attention.
"Nothing to apologize for?" he questioned in disbelief, "What about the part where you played the shit out of me?"
"I didn't play you," Alonsha sighed, "You caught me off guard, Justin."
"What was I suppose to do? Warn you in advance?" Alonsha reached out to touch his arm, but quickly pulled her hand back. Justin saw this and felt bad, but he had to stand his ground.
"No, but I need you to understand that I care about you. . ."
"Spare me, will ya?" Justin spat out angrily, "I'm beyond the 'care stage', Alonsha. I love you. A lot. And I'm not running some game here." Justin argued.
"Knowing that you love me is an. . . honor." Alonsha explained, "But, I just don't know if I feel that way about you yet." Justin cringed at her words. 'Yet'. Everybody always used that word like it actually helped anything.
"Alonsha, do you know how much of me it took to get the nerve to tell you how I felt? Do you know how scared I was that something like this would happen?" Justin asked rhetorically, "To know you don't love me hurts like hell. Kills me, even." Alonsha looked him in the eyes.
"I didn't say I didn't love you. I said that I haven't gotten there yet."
"Same difference," Justin stated bitterly, "Don't beat around the bush with me, Alonsha. There's not much more damage you can inflict to make me feel worse than I already do."
"I'm sorry that you're hurting, Justin." Alonsha said sincerely, "But that wasn't my intention."
"So 'thank you' was a way of you attempting to make me feel better?" he asked sarcastically, "Was the 'very much' part sprinkling some extra joy into it?"
"Justin. . ."
"Alonsha, you're breaking my heart." Justin admitted, "I can't talk to you, or even look at you because I keep finding something new to love about you. And that's unfair because you don't love me back." He sounded like a wounded child. Alonsha felt her heart strings being pulled.
"I need you to be a little patient with me, Jay." Alonsha pleaded.
"Patience isn't the problem, Alonsha. Trust is." Alonsha sat there silently, "Every time I try to get close to you, you pull away. You change the subject, whatever you can do to avoid the topic of you." Alonsha knew this was true.
"There's just a lot of things that I've been through that I just don't feel comfortable sharing with you." Justin rolled his eyes.
"Like when I told you about Britney?" he questioned, "Do you think I felt one hundred percent comfortable telling you about that? No. But I willing to put some trust in you and believe that you would try to understand where I was coming from."
"That was different, Justin." Alonsha impugned, "You knew that I was going through the exact same thing. That's why you told me. I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't understand if I told you about my past."
"How do you know?"
"Because I do!" Alonsha yelled, "You have no idea what is was like for me to grow up the way I did."
"Alonsha. . ."
"No, Justin. You don't understand how alone I felt. You don't understand the feelings of helplessness that I experienced. You sure as hell wouldn't understand what it was like to be hated by somebody who was suppose to love you the most." Justin stood there and stared at her as her eyes began to water, the tears threatening to roll down her cheeks at any moment.
"Are you talking about your dad?" Justin asked softly. Alonsha sniffled and wiped away the tears that had fallen.
"I shouldn't have said anything. . ." she mumbled as she grabbed her keys and purse from his coffee table.
"No, Alonsha," Justin said as he gently held her arm, "Is he the reason why you're not ready?" Alonsha didn't answer for a moment as she tried to swipe away every tear that fell from her chocolate orbs.
"Amongst other things," she admitted, "I'm sorry for yelling, but I'm just so sick of being ignored by you and having to explain why I didn't say it, over and over again." Justin nodded as he brought her to his chest. She freely cried into the warmth of his chest and took in his familiar scent. She missed him. He missed her.
"I'm sorry," Justin cooed, "I'm so sorry." He had been suck an ass. He never took her feelings into consideration. The only thing that matter was that she had rejected him and bruised his ego. He selfishly and childishly turned his back on her rather than talk about his feelings. Despite the fact that both of their arguments had been legit ones, he still felt guilty. He made her cry, but it opened a new door into their relationship.
Alonsha had never spoke about her 'family'. All she ever told him was that her mom died, she didn't speak to her father, and that she was an only child. Justin had never forced the subject after she told him that because of how uncomfortable she got. It was like it hurt to think about it. Now she told him that she didn't feel loved or welcomed in her own home.
All he had to do was get her to tell him why.
Song Credit(s):
"Something's Missing"- John Mayer
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