Better Than Nothing
"Now, lets get into the business aspect of things. . ." Justin rolled his eyes and adjusted in his swivel chair. He had been sitting in the JIVE office for almost three hours going over the Justified/Stripped tour that Johnny decided was a brilliant idea. He'd be touring with Christina Aguilera. Don't get him wrong, he was excited about touring, but this was just torture. So far he's heard "Lots of money," and "Summer" come out of Johnny's mouth. Everything else had been blah. . . blah. . . blah. . .
"So how does that sound?" Johnny asked. Everybody nodded and Justin examined his nails.
"Justin. . ." Christina called with a smile. Justin blushed when he realized that everybody had been staring at him.
"Oh. . . well. . . um, it sounds great." He received some nods and smiles, even a playful nudge from Christina, before everybody stood and shook hands. Finally, the pain and agony was over. Justin stretched and Christina poked the stomach that was exposed when his shirt hiked up in his stretching process.
"Way to be mature, Jay," she stated sarcastically.
"What?" he asked innocently, "Did you seriously expect me to pay attention to that boring mess?" Christina placed her hands on her hips.
"That boring mess was a major part of your career," Justin rolled his eyes. She was really motherly sometimes. He hated it.
"Whatever," he said, dismissing the subject, "You hungry?" She nodded.
"Yeah, there was a hot dog stand outside the building. You up for it?" Justin agreed and they headed down to the elevator. They fought over who would press the ground floor button before Justin finally gave up. Christina was more stubborn than he was.
"So," Justin began as he payed for their meal, "What's been going on in your life?" He hadn't seen Christina in a while, so he was curious.
"Nothing much," She shrugged, "Had some break ups, made an album. . ." Justin laughed.
"The usual, huh?" Christina laughed and nodded as she walked through the door Justin held open for her.
"What about you?" she asked as they waited for the elevator.
"Same," he answered, "Well I broke up and then I got a new girlfriend. . ." Christina nodded slowly.
"I know about you and Brit, but who's the new lucky lady?" Justin smiled coyly before shrugging.
"She was actually a good friend of mine before everything happened. I'm really happy though." he told her honestly.
"Good, that's what matters." Justin nodded in agreement as they stepped inside of the elevator. They stood in silence for a moment as they elevator made its way to the twentieth floor.
"Is there something. . . awkward about me?" Christina looked at him in confusion.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, I don't know. Did I every make you wanna. . . avoid me?" She shook her head.
"No, why?" Justin shrugged and waved it off.
"Nothing. Don't worry about it." Christina didn't want to push the subject. It was obvious that he was uncomfortable talking about it. Justin was glad she didn't say anything. He didn't know why he opened up his mouth in the first place, but he wanted to know if he had changed somewhere in the last four weeks.
Alonsha had become somewhat distant over the last few weeks. Phone calls were shorter. When he was home, she wouldn't talk to him like she used to. They would have deep conversations, now they talked about video games and television shows. It was like they were acquaintances or something. It was cold and impersonal. He didn't like it.
He had spent weeks dissecting everything that happened between his visit home to now and he can't remember anything bad happening between them. They had one argument over what video to watch, but that was childish. They had gotten over that in ten minutes, so that couldn't be it. Now he thought he had forgotten something. Their one year anniversary wasn't until July or something. Her birthday was in September. She didn't tell him about any parties or celebrations coming up. . .
He had nothing. Absolutely nothing. She won't tell him what's wrong. It's always "nothing" and "oh, it's not important".
Cause you love me don't ya
I know you (I know you do)
Cause of all the wonderful things that you put me through (me through)
I know you love me baby
Cause I love you too
So tell me why is it I'm having doubts about you?
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Today was a realization stage. Today has changed my life. Today I met Ruth.
She's twelve years old. A small, fragile thing that walked into my office at nine this morning. I had just came inside the building, coffee in hand, jacket halfway off my shoulders, when I heard a sniffle. I turned and saw her reddened face, tears streaming down her cheeks. At first, I didn't know what to do, but then my instincts kicked. I placed my coffee cup down, threw my jacket onto my chair and walked over to her.
She stared at me for a moment and I realized the she had a huge bruise across her face. That's when my heart broke. Somebody had hit her. Someone much bigger. Someone much stronger. I reached out and took her in my arms. She cried hard the moment her face landed into my chest. I cried too. I saw myself in her. Scared. Wounded. Ashamed. She kept mumbling something through her sobs, but I couldn't understand. I kept rubbing her back and rocking slowly back and forth. We stood there like that for twenty minutes before her sobbing turned into silent tears. I took her to the center's snack area and brought her a honey bun from the vending machine before making her some tea.
Ruth told me that she had just run away from home two days ago. She had been staying at a friend's house, but her friend's mom had called her father to come by and pick her up. She said she couldn't go home with him because he would be angry at her. He would hit her. Then he'd hit her mother when she would try to pry him off of her. The battle in her house was never over. She couldn't get hit again. She couldn't watch her mom be pounded by her father. But no matter how many times she begged her mom to leave him, move on with just the two of them, she refused. Said that it would be selfish to leave him. Ruth said she didn't understand that kind of reasoning. Hell, I didn't understand it, but it pissed me off. To know that you can stop someone from being hurt and do nothing was selfish.
So, Ruthie is staying with me temporarily. Tiffany volunteered to stay with Scott for the time being so Ruth could have her room. I was now stuck trying to find a social worker for her. Get her a safe and loving home. But not now. I'll let her stay for a while and get over some of the shock she's in. We talk. Every single night we talk. It's kinda weird to be able to connect with a twelve year old, but she's the only person I've ever met that truly understood what I went through. She even taught me a few things about my life.
When I told her about Justin, I "failed" to mention his last name, she told me that I was lucky to have someone who loved me for me and said that she never had a best friend because she didn't trust anyone anymore. The friend she was staying with had told her mom to call her father. She knew about the abuse, but was scared for her own well being. She thought that Ruth's father would come and get her for helping her run away. That wasn't cool in my book. Ally and Tiff never told a soul. Ruth made me appreciate them even more.
I don't want to have to build this
I don't want to have to fit in
I don't want to have to need someone
but I do
So, long after Ruth had fallen asleep, I sat down in the center of my bed and told myself to grow up. Stop being so selfish and be grateful for everything and everyone I have.
I don't want to have to attract boys
I don't want to have to be here
I don't want to have to eat to fill a hole
but I do. . .
I have Justin. I have Tiffany, Ally, Jare, Scottie, and Bosco. Ruth has nobody, yet I'm the one who complains. Whines over her waist size. Complains about why people love her instead of just embracing it.
But it's better than nothing at all
But it's better than nothing at all
I have Justin questioning himself because of me. Doing all these extra things to be a better boyfriend. But how good can you get? Isn't perfect as far as you can go? But I didn't tell him that. Instead I got frustrated with him for loving my ass. For accepting me and my imperfections. For being everything I ever wanted, needed, and so much more.
I don't want to have to be angry at you
I don't want to have to blame it on my father
I don't want to feel sick around you
but I do. . .
I was afraid to love over nothing. My world was whole and I was trying to find something to make it crumble. If it ain't broke, why try to fix it?
I don't want to ever fall in love
I don't want to feel so insecure
I don't want to have to write this to explain
Still I do
From this day forward, I'm gonna be happy. I'm going to live my life without questions. I'm going to take what I have and appreciate it. I'm going to love, cherish, and care for everything and everyone in my life.
Because it's better than having nothing at all.
This feels better than nothing at all
This feels better than nothing at all. . .
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Okay, now Justin was completely confused. One minute Alonsha's all depressed and distant, the next she's in happy slappy, everything's gravy, ain't no mountain high enough mode. Was she bi-polar or what?
"You alright?" Justin asked as Alonsha danced to the music that was playing in her mind. She turned and smiled at him, eyes bright and happy.
"Of course I'm alright," she said as she walked over to his spot on the couch, "I got you," She kissed the tip of his nose and Justin laughed.
"Are you high?" Alonsha laughed heartily.
"You are funny, sweetie." Sweetie?
"Yeah, I'm the light-skinned version of Chris Rock." She snickered at his retarded joke.
"Light-skinned? You wish Casper." Justin laughed sarcastically as he placed his head on her lap. They had decided to stay in on Justin's free Sunday night. He wanted to talk to her, but he couldn't find the time or the right words to say. In fact, he wanted to drop everything. She was happy again, which made him happy, but he was still curious as to how it all happened.
"Lonnie?" he called out gently. She looked down at him and rested her hand on his cheek.
"Hmm?" Her hand trailed upwards to his freshly shaved head.
"Why. . . What. . . I mean. . ." He sighed in frustration, "What happened?" He smiled, satisfied with his question.
"What do you mean?" she asked him.
"You were so distant for a few weeks, now everything's normal again. What was happening with you?" She looked into his curious blue eyes and licked her lips.
"I don't really know, Jay," she answered honestly, "I kinda went through this insecure phase where I questioned every last thing that ever happened to me. Specifically you." He raised a brow.
"You were questioning me?" he asked.
"Why you loved me." Justin couldn't believe his ears. Him and Alonsha had that talk too many times before.
"You know why I love you, Alonsha," Justin began before being interrupted.
"I know, Justin," Alonsha said, "I know." Justin smiled and sat up.
Your love means the world to me
Words could not express the joy you bring
Your love moves me tenderly
To have you by my side means everything.. I sing
Your love has the best of me
If I could give you more then that would be. . .
"If you question me, us, then you don't know how much I love you, Alonsha." Justin said sincerely, "I don't think I've ever felt this strongly about anyone before."
Settle for my love, settle for my kiss
Settle for my love, that you'll never miss
"I feel the same way," Alonsha smiled, "I just keep comparing myself to your exes, and I feel like you're selling yourself short by being with me. Lowering your standards. . ."
So give to me, darling take my hand
Settle for my kiss
Cause it's all I can give
Settle for my love, that you'll never miss
"What?" Justin asked, shocked, "I've raised my standards to date you. You don't need to be comparing yourself to my ex-girlfriends, Alonsha. There's no comparison. You surpass them all."
Your love means the world to me
Like the ocean wide your love runs deep
Your love.. oh baby.. moves me tenderly
Like the birds outside my window sing
"Damn, Justin," Alonsha laughed, "That was nice." Justin laughed and cockily nodded.
"You liked that, didn't you?" She laughed and Justin stared at her for a moment, "I meant of every word though."
"I know," Alonsha said, "And I love you more."
"You love me more?" Justin challenged, "Show me," Alonsha laughed.
"Gladly, Baby. Gladly." She kissed him softly and they sunk into the softness of the couch together, drunk with love.
Settle for my love, settle for my kiss
Settle for my love, that you'll never miss
Song Credit(s):
"Youloveme"- Musiq Soulchild
"Better Than Nothing"- Maria Mena
"Settle For My Love"- Musiq Soulchild
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