Just Like My Shadow
This was just freaky. This wasn't right. How could this be happening?
Justin stared at Alonsha as she gathered up the food wrappers that were thrown about the living room. She was cleaning up after him and Trace. Something that nobody, but his mother and himself, has done before. Alonsha was always yelling about how lazy they were and told Trace he could bend over and pick up the trash because he wasn't too far from the ground. Now, it was like he stepped into the 1950s where the woman was catering to every one of her man's needs.
This so wasn't his girlfriend.
"Alonsha?" Justin called. Just as he expected, she dropped what she was doing and came to his side.
"Yeah? What do you need?" He stared at her for a moment trying find any sign of alien probing.
"I think you should just chill, babe," he told her, "You're not a maid. I'll pick this up later." She stood and waved him off.
"Oh stop it, Jay." she said, "There's no way in hell I'm gonna let you clean this up. You've been working your ass off all day with the tour coming up and everything, this is the least I can do." He didn't even know whether to argue with her or to just keep his mouth shut. Then again, an argument would probably provide some type of normalcy for him since they haven't argued in so long.
Yeah, you heard right. No arguments. Nada. Nothing. Zip zero. As peaceful and wonderful as it may sound, it was making Justin uncomfortable. Him and Alonsha bicker. That's their thing. A good argument is always welcome between them. They were both stubborn and wouldn't stop arguing until they reached some type of compromise.
He really missed that. But maybe he was being irrational. Who wants to have an argument when everything was all good? Sure, he picked his fair share of fights, but that was only for the making up. Now, he didn't have the energy to fight. If he wasn't working, he was home working on Alonsha. It was as fun and plenty enjoyable as it had been before, but now she didn't go into her cute shyness. She was a machine. He said he wanted to try this and she'd say sure. No complaints. No 'I can't do that'. There was no sense of pride when he finally coerced her into doing something. There wasn't any laughter over her hiding away beneath the sheets so he couldn't watch her do something "embarrassing". He missed that too.
Justin felt as though he was being selfish. Alonsha was being this fantastic girlfriend. Never complaining when he canceled a date. Always making sure he was okay and well feed. Just. . . perfect. Why was it bothering him so much? Why did he have this nagging feeling that maybe things weren't as perfect as he thinks they are? Why can't he accept the fact that Alonsha has dropped her every insecurity and has found the confidence that she always needed? Why wasn't he as happy for her as he should be?
Probably because it isn't humanly possible to get over things that quickly.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
God, I suck. I really, really suck. I've spent the last two weeks suppressing every emotion but happy and it's driving me nuts. I'm trying to be this perfect person so that everybody will stop worrying about me being a whiner and a self-conscious loser. But I'm only making matters worse. All I've done is make it harder for me to be confident because I'm spending so much time bowing down to everybody and everything instead of trying to balance things out.
That didn't even make sense. I don't make sense. Nothing makes sense. What's the point of senses anyway? Ugh. I hate being mature and embracing my gifts in life. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the people and things, but I can't keep biting my tongue to prevent an argument. I can't keep breaking my back trying to meet the needs of everybody I come in contact with.
I spend all morning and afternoon at the center. Then I run down to Tiffany's office/boutique to help her move and cut outfits. Next I go shopping with Scott for games and supplies for his students. Then I go home to feed and walk Bosco before I begin dinner. I speak to Ally on the phone for an hour (More like she talks and I listen). Justin calls after work because he misses me, which means I go to his place to "mingle". That's probably the highlight of my day, but I'm usually exhausted by the time I reach my apartment, where a pile of bills and forms for the center are waiting for me. To top it off, Ruth calls around ten every night, right in the middle of my form filling time, gushing about the new foster family she has. Another highlight in my day, but I end up slacking in the form filling work. I finally get to bed by twelve, only to wake up at five-thirty to use the bathroom before Tiffany and reach the center in time to start my day all over again. . .
Yet, I do this all with a smile on my face. If there's one thing I learned in my psychology class, it's that suppressing your feelings will end up biting you in the ass. Not in those words exactly, but you get the point.
But I can't complain. I made a promise to myself that I was going to keep my trap shut and appreciate, appreciate, and appreciate.
I need some Edy's.
"Lonnie?" If I hear someone call me one more time today, I swear I'm gonna. . .
"Yeah, Chris?" I look up from my laptop to see Christopher adjust his glasses as he strolls into my office. He plops his bottom onto the edge of my desk and smiles at me.
"Guess who I just got off the phone with?" He seemed happy. That meant good news, so I'm all up for it.
"Elmo?" I ask with fake enthusiasm. Chris laughs sarcastically.
"Close. . ." he teases, "Mr. Thompson." I smile and stiffen with anticipation. Mr. Ralph Thompson was an Apple computers executive who we've been begging to donate some appliances for the center's library. Months and months of "I'll see what I can do" have finally made its way down to this very moment.
"What did he say?" I asked excitedly. Chris pauses dramatically and sighs.
"We didn't get the ten computers," My heart flattered and I pouted. Damn him. The greedy bastard had enough computers for everyone in the U.S. and he couldn't give us ten?
"Well that really sucks. . ." I grumbled.
"Yeah well, he could only get us twenty instead." My eyes widened in shock.
"I don't know if I should kill you or thank you, Chris." I said as I smiled brightly.
"Well, seeing as though you can't live without me, I'd choose the latter." We laughed and I stood up and hugged him.
"The kids are going to be so excited," I said, "They're always complaining about the short computer times." Chris nodded.
"No more of that," he said with a laugh, "There's going to be a lot less arguments around here." I nodded in agreement.
"This is probably the only thing that didn't require my help." I sighed and Chris laughed.
"That's what you get for being you," I laughed nervously.
Being me, huh?
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
I'm laying here in Justin's bed. Wide awake. He's staring at the ceiling as his hand slowly rubs up and down my bare back. The room is completely silent and I can't figure out why. Was this a comfortable silence? If it was one, I sure as hell wasn't comfortable. Justin's suddenly quiet demeanor is confusing me. All the boy does is talk. That's one of the reasons why we go together so well. He's the talker, I'm the listener. But now, as I pull the sheet up beneath my chin, I can't stand the silence.
"Is something wrong?" I blurt out suddenly. Justin shifts slightly. It's an uncomfortable shift. One of those 'Oh shit, I've just been caught' shifts.
"Oh, nothing," he stuttered, "I was just thinking about. . . stuff." Stuff? He was thinking about stuff?
"What stuff?" I pry as I prop myself up on my elbows, my head resting on my hand.
"Don't worry about," he snaps suddenly as he begins to slide out of bed. I'm a bit taken back by his tone. The last time Justin every had an attitude with me like that was when I didn't say that I loved him.
"Well excuse me, Justin," I said as I sat up in bed, "I didn't mean to upset you by asking a simple question." I can hear his drawer slam shut as he sighs. I rolled my eyes at his sudden mood swing and slip on my underwear.
"You," I hear him mumble as he walks out of the door. I make a sour face of confusion as I slip my sun dress over my head and follow him.
"Me?" I asked as he continued to walk up the hall to the stairway.
"That's the stuff I was thinking about." he explains as he walks down the stairs. I stand there for a moment trying to figure out what he was thinking about me for when I realize that I could just ask him. So I walk down the stairs to the kitchen where he's standing in front of the fridge, drinking right out of the orange juice carton.
"What about me?" I asked curiously as I dragged my fingers along the marble of the counter. He turns and gives me a teasing smile. So now he's happy?
"You ask too many questions," he stated as he threw the carton into the trash. I sighed and walked over to the kitchen table.
"Well maybe if you gave some sufficient answers, I wouldn't do that," He laughed, but it wasn't an amused one.
"Is it possible for me to give you sufficient answers?" I looked at him confused.
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"I don't know, Alonsha," he said as he outstretched his arms animately, "You tell me." I would if I knew what the hell he was talking about.
"I'm so confused right now. . ." I said before being rudely interrupted.
"You're confused?" Justin asked in disbelief, "How the hell do you think I feel?" What? Huh?
"I don't know, Justin. I don't even know what you're talking about." I raised my voice to match his angry tone.
"You! I'm talking about you!" Well, that helped.
"What about me, Justin!?!" He sighed deeply and ran his hand over his buzzed head.
"Who are you?" I took in a breath, prepared to yell back an answer, but I didn't have one.
"Who am I?" I asked.
"Yes, Alonsha. Who are you?" he repeated, "Because you've had so many mood changes that I can't even keep up anymore."
I wish you'd see it in my face
But I'm caught up in those long lost days
And how can I even make you see
When I don't even know me?
"I. . ."
"The Alonsha I know wouldn't be this confusing. The Alonsha I know knew who she was," Justin said.
That's funny because the Alonsha I knew never had a clue about who she was.
Following my footsteps home
This time I'm walking all alone
Trying hard to be someone I don't even know
"I don't know who I am," I answered honestly, "Maybe I was that person. Maybe I'm still figuring myself out."
"What?" Justin asked, "Was that person?"
I feel like a shadow
Walking behind who you think I am
Just like my shadow
Wanting to see the sun again
I'm your shadow
And I'm lost
"Justin, I don't know!" I yelled in frustration, "Why are you asking me this?"
"Because I'm going crazy trying to figure out what person I love. If she's still there." Oh my God. He's questioning his love for me.
Thought I'd like me bright and new
But my candle burned out long before you
Now I'm the one whose got to pay
I'm finding me a better day
"I'm right here," I said as I felt myself prepare to cry, "I'm still here." Justin bit his bottom lip and I saw his eyes gloss over with tears. He looked like he was hurting with every word that was said.
"Are you?" His questioned left me dumbfounded. Yes. No. Yes. No. Maybe. . .
I couldn't give a straight answer. But I was so angry and upset because I thought I was becoming a better person. I thought my new attitude was making him happy. I thought that if I was the confident girl he always wanted, he'd be less confused. He'd love me more. Apparently I thought wrong.
Following my footsteps home
This time I'm walking all alone
Trying to be someone I don't even know
"I just. . . I need some time, Jay." I said softly. He nodded and slowly walked up to me. I felt the warm liquid of my tears stream done my face when he placed his hand on my cheek. I looked down, too embarrassed to show my tears. Justin softly lifted my chin with his free hand and stared into my eyes.
"I love you," He smiled, "Whoever you are." I smiled too and was thankful that he was trying to lighten up the situation.
I feel like a shadow
Walking behind who you think I am
Just like my shadow
Wanting to see the sun again
I'm your shadow
And I'm lost
Just like my shadow
"I love you too." I said as he wiped my tears away. He always has. Justin had not fallen out of love with me. For a moment there, my world had nearly crumbled. I could feel my knees get weak and my heart beat twenty times faster. But he still loved me. Whoever that me was, he loved me regardless. Yet, for some odd reason, I could tell he was holding something back.
"Alonsha," I snapped out of my trance when I heard his voice, "I need you to talk to me. Don't go trying to fix things on your own. The whole point of this relationship is to grow together." I nodded and licked my lips.
"Everything has been really stressful nowadays. I've just been trying to do everything I can to make things easier for everybody else." I explained with a sigh.
"You can't do everything, Beautiful," Justin reasoned, "That's why you have so many people in your life. To distribute the work." He softly thumbed my cheek with his left hand and smiled down at me, but his eyes were full of worry.
"I know," I agreed, "I'm gonna distribute." He nodded approvingly and pulled me into a hug.
"I'll help out too, Sexy." he mumbled softly into my hair, "Whether it's physical labor, money donations, whatever. You just come to me." I nodded as I buried my head into his chest, breathing in his delicious scent and enjoying the softness of his bare skin against my cheek.
"Thank you," I cooed, "For being so patient and understanding." Justin gently broke away from our embrace and kissed my forehead.
"That's what love's about, girl," he informed me with a grin, "All you have to do is make it work both ways."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"You alright?" I looked up at Justin's curious stare and sighed. It had been a week since our little argument and we have an open heart policy. If one of us feels that the other is going through something, they are forced to admit their feelings. It's actually pretty refreshing.
"I don't know," I whined as I tried to find the right words to explain myself.
"How could you not know if you're alright?" His tone was that of amusement.
I guess I missed the joke.
"I just. . . You ever get the nagging feeling that you're forgetting something?" He nodded.
"Yeah, all the time actually." he stated in a nonchalant manner.
"I feel like that now," I told him as I curled to fit into his resting form.
"Were you suppose to do something today?" he asked.
"No, not like that, Jay," I sighed again, "I mean I'm missing something in my life." He became quiet for a moment.
"Why?" he questioned, "You have a stable career, people that love you. . . You're sexy as hell. What could you be missing?" I laughed at the sexy part.
"There's like this void in me that hasn't been filled." Justin breathed in deeply.
"A void that's buried deep inside you and practically drives you insane with its hollow echo?" I was surprised by his perceptive description.
"Exactly," I stated, astonished, "How did you know that?"
"'Cause I had a void like that when Brit and I broke up," he explained, "And as corny as it may sound, that void was filled when I fell in love with you." I smiled and snuggled into him.
"Aw. . . Justin, you're so sweet." Justin blushed and rubbed my back.
"It's true though," he assured, "Loving you allowed me to be happy with myself again. Being cheated on is a major blow to the ego." I nodded in agreement.
"Well, I love you too, but I still feel empty in a way." Justin kissed the top of my head, and I closed my eyes. I had a good life. I know I did. Despite the troubles in my past, I managed to balance it all out with my present and hopefully my future. I just didn't understand why I felt this way.
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all
I've been racking my brain trying to remember the last time I felt this way. It was back when I lived with my father. I had the necessities: Food, clothes, shelter. . . But I was missing love, affection, attention. I had all of that now. The full package. Yet, I still manage to feel this way. It's making me feel guilty. Like I'm not appreciative for what I have. But I am. I'm so grateful. Hell, I don't deserve half the things I have right now, so I know not to take them for granted.
When autumn comes, it doesn't ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart
So why was I feeling this way? Why have I fallen back into this stage of over-thinking and questioning? I hate this insecure and confused side of me.
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all
Maybe I'm just thinking too much. The answer will come on its own when the time is right. Right? Or is this one of those search your soul things? I don't know. I'm crazy. Insane. Two eggs short of a dozen. I'm doing this to myself. I need to stop it. There's nothing missing but my common sense.
I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this
I have everything I could possible want and need. . .
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
I've got best friends: Tiffany, Ally, Scott, Jare, and Bosco
Friends -check-
A great career as an adolescent counselor
Money -check-
I'm healthy, minus the few extra pounds I could spare to lose. Plus I've got Justin by my side.
A well slept -check-
Opposite sex -check-
Guitar -check-
Microphone -check-
Messages waiting for me, when i come home -check-
So what the hell is this nagging feeling about?
Song Credit(s):
"Shadow"- Maria Mena
"Something's Missing"- John Mayer
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