Free Yourself
Well, it's Saturday. The day after my heart break. The day after Adam Harris told me he was gay, of all things.
Jesus Christ, part of me just doesn't believe it. It's screaming that he's lying and wanted to break up with me, but didn't have a good enough excuse. But Adam wouldn't do that. He's too honest. . . Apparently.
He seemed to have planned last night out. After he told me, he said that he had another room booked for the night and that he'd pack and leave. I just went inside the bathroom and cried until I heard the door open and close. When I went into the room we once shared, all his stuff was gone. He left an envelope filled with money, a plane ticket, and a note. He wrote another apology and told me to use the money for a taxi. He also said his flight left before mine, so it would save us an awkward trip back to LA.
I was grateful for that and dragged myself into bed. I went through so many emotions that night. Anger. Sadness. Shock. I got a little bit of sleep when I got tired from crying and woke up on time to get packed and catch my flight. Walking out of that hotel alone made me feel like an idiot, especially while I watched all the happy couples coming in. I wonder if any man was planning on telling his girl he was gay. I doubt it. Fucked up situations seem to only happen to me.
Anyway, I flew back home and got another taxi back to my apartment. When I got there, Tiffany's car was parked outside and I knew she was waiting for me with a million questions. So, I walked over to my Honda, tossed my suitcase inside, and drove off. I ended up at Justin's house. Since he was in New York, Trace out with him, and Lynn in Tennessee, I was guaranteed some peace and quiet. I really wanted to be alone for a while, so I parked and walked up to his door.
That's when I realized I only had my old key to the door. It's been three years, but when I prayed for it to work. God must have been listening because when I turned the knob, it opened. I guess he was trying to make things a bit easier on me.
But the best part was after I settled in and kicked off my shoes. I went inside of the kitchen and found a pint size container of Edy's ice cream.
Heaven in its frozen form.
I grabbed a spoon and flopped down on the leather sofa in his kitchen's corner. Yeah, he has a sofa in his kitchen with a small table pushed up to it. Not to mention a huge plasma screen television hanging on the wall across from it. His kitchen is really beautiful. Everything's a neutral color. The island's grey, the fridge is silver, the walls are tan, and the tiled floor is an off white. All this for a man who can only make a 'mean poptart' and Skillet Sensations. . .
I take another spoonful of Butter Pecan into my mouth and enjoy the sugary coolness. Whoever invented this stuff is the man. Or woman. Whatever. . .
"I'll take ya to the candy shop, I'll let ya lick the lollipop. . ." I jump when the sound of Justin's voice echos through the silent kitchen. I snap my head in his direction as he comes dancing through in a wife beater and grey sweat pants. I can see the earphones of his ipod plugged into his ears, the white cords hanging down his sides. The music's so loud that I can hear the beats of 50 cent's song. He's so into his dance steps across the kitchen that doesn't even notice me. He bobs his head while he makes his way over to the fridge, pulling open the freezer. I can see a look of confusion wash over his face as he looks through its contents.
Oh shit, I hope he's not looking for this ice cream.
"What the fuck. . ." he mumbles as he takes out another pint of Edy's. He grabs a spoon from the dish holder before spinning around, "Shit!" he screams as he finally realizes I'm there. I watch as he pulls his earphones out and turns off the ipod.
"Sorry," I apologize meekly before looking back down at my ice cream. I don't even realize that he's pulling a chair over to the table and sitting down across from me.
"I was looking for that," he comments softly. I look up and he gestures towards the ice cream in front of me. I smile softly.
"Sorry," I said again, "I was just-"
"Don't worry about it," Justin interrupts, "You look like you need it more than I do." He doesn't know the half of it.
"I guess," I mumble, "So, I thought you were in New York."
"I was," he said, "But something came up."
"Something like what?" I pry absentmindedly. I take another spoon into my mouth and look at him expectantly.
"How about you tell me why you're so glum and then I'll share my story."
"Justin, please," I say, "Whatever you've got will not top my news." He raises a challenging brow before nodding.
"Okay, but yours better be good," he warns, "So, New York didn't work out because Cameron and I had this huge fight."
"No surprise there," I mumble. Justin smiles weakly before continuing.
"Anyway, it was over you again," I roll my eyes, "I told her you were going to Paris and she asked me how I knew. So, I told her I called you," He clears his throat, "Then Cameron goes on and on about how I'm having this secret shindig with you, but then I told her to shut the fuck up and get over her stupid jealousy." I can't help but smile.
"Really?" I ask in amazement, "Ha! I didn't know you had it in you."
"I told you I wasn't her puppet, Lonnie," Justin says confidently, "She obviously didn't take it well. She told me that I was a dick and if I wanted you so badly, then I should go back to LA and get you. So, I left."
"So you do want me?" I joke. Justin laughs and rolls his eyes.
"Pssh. . ." he dismisses, "I left to prove a point, woman. Not because I want your dumbass." I chuckle and I'm grateful that I can laugh after the shit I went through yesterday.
"I'll give you your props for that," I inform him, "I can't believe you told her that." Justin shrugs and smiles.
"Well, what about you?" The moment he says that, my heart drops into my stomach again.
"I guess I have to tell you," I sigh.
"That was the deal," Justin points out, "Come on, it can't be that bad. You and loverboy fought over poetry or something?" I would laugh, but anything Adam related has lost its humor.
"Actually, loverboy and I are no longer together," I tell him, "He broke up with me."
"What!" Justin exclaims, "Why the hell did he do that for?"
"Believe me, it's justified," I grumble, "It wouldn't have worked out anyway. He wasn't into me anymore."
"That's bull," Justin groans, "What happened?" I take a deep breath before I explain.
"Well, Paris was great in the beginning. The sight seeing and all that other stuff. He was even nice enough to give up wine for the trip," Justin nods as he follows along, "But then the last night came along and he gave me the news that he's moving back to Philly to work as a counselor."
"The whole expansion thing, right?" Justin asked and I nodded, "So, the long distance wasn't his gig?"
"No, that wasn't it," I told him, "Adam. . .he umm. . ." I suddenly feel embarrassed as Justin leans over the table.
"He what?"
"He started going on and on about how his past relationships didn't work out and whatnot. Then he tells me he knows why," I continue, "So, I asked him why they didn't work out and he tells me he just wasn't feeling the girl."
"Okay. . ." Justin says with uncertainty, "So, he was bored or something?"
"That's what I thought," I muttered, "But it's not that one specific girl. It's women in general."
"So, he got hurt?" Justin asked, "Cried a few rivers?" Justin smirked at his pun and I smiled softly.
"No," I told him, "He's not feelin' women. He's bored with us and our anatomy."
"If he's bored with women in general, that means he's crazy or g-" Justin's sentence is cut short the moment I bury my face into my hands, "Dude, he's. . ."
"Yeah," I answer, "That's what he said." Justin slouches in his seat and looks down at the table. His face contorts with confusion before he sits up again. He's silent for a moment before an almost disgusted look takes over his features.
"I can't believe he's gay," he whispered. I nod my head in agreement.
"I know," I mumbled.
"I let him touch my X-box." Justin whimpers as though he's been violated.
"Your X-box?" I asked in disbelief.
"Yeah," Justin confirms, "That's my baby."
"Your stupid X-box?" I ask again. Justin struggles to keep a straight face before he cracks.
"Sorry," Justin smiled, "I was trying to make light of the situation." I narrow my eyes at him before rolling them.
"Nothing's light about this," I groan.
"Except for Adam's fluffy ass." Justin fights to hold back a laugh and I kick him underneath the table.
"Shut up," I whimper, "God, I shouldn't have told you."
"No, I'm sorry," Justin apologized, "I just wasn't his biggest fan, so you can't get mad if I make jokes." I sigh and shove more ice cream into my mouth.
"Do you get a high from making fun of homosexuals?" I questioned.
"I love gay people. Well, not love, love, but you know," Justin said, "Anyway, I just don't like Adam."
"Uh huh. . ."
"It's weird," Justin told me, "I didn't see this coming." I nod my head and ponder for a moment.
"I don't get it though," My words are muffled by the ice cream, "We had sex during that whole week." Justin wrinkles his nose.
"TMI," he complains.
"I know, but who does that?" I questioned, "Why have sex with me if you're gay?"
"Maybe he was trying to un-gay himself," Justin suggested with a shrug, "You know, hope the sex is good enough to keep him straight." I almost nod before I realize I've been insulted.
"Are you saying the sex wasn't good enough?" I ask accusingly.
"No, that's not what I meant, Lonnie," Justin argued, "I meant that-You know what I meant."
"Actually, I don't."
"Look, I know you're good in bed-" Justin's statement ended as soon as it started. I raised a brow as the awkward silence swallowed us whole.
"Well, um, thank you?" I told him lamely, trying to break the ice. Justin cleared his throat.
"Well, that was sufficiently awkward, wasn't it?" I laugh and shrug.
"It's cool, don't worry about it." We sit there for a few moments and silently eat our ice cream.
"It's his loss, ya know. . ." Justin mumbled. I sighed and rubbed my ice cream down with the back of my spoon.
"I guess. . ." I agree meekly, "It just sucks though. He told me the same day my feelings for him kinda escalated."
"To what?" Justin asked. I sat there in thought.
"I don't know," I breathed, "I just got past the 'I really like him' stage." Justin nodded understandingly.
"Don't worry about it," Justin told me, "You'll be over him soon and you'll find some new guy."
"I don't know about that," I mumbled, "I might just chill for a little bit." We fall back into silence before Justin suddenly stands.
"C'mere," he cooed, opening his arms, "You need a hug." I smile and stand, walking into him. I embraced his waist as he rested his long arms around my shoulders. We sway back and forth to some imaginary song while Justin rubs his hand along my back.
"I'm sorry," I apologize as I nestle in his chest. I don't even the notice the tears falling from my eyes.
"For what, sweetheart?" I shrug.
"I don't know. . ." I mumble, "I did break into your house and eat your ice cream." He laughs and kisses the top of my head.
"Don't worry about it," Justin assures, "You had a good reason."
"Oh yeah," I continue, "I'm sorry for going to Rhode Island too." Why I was feeling the need to confess? I don't know.
"You had a good reason for that too."
"I'm not apologizing for getting help, I'm apologizing for just leaving," I explained, "For hurting you." He stops swaying and gives me a squeeze.
"I'm over that." Liar.
"No you're not," I impugn, "I know Cameron's not the only reason why you keep pushing me away."
"Did my mom talk to you?" Justin asked suddenly. I pull away and give him a confused look, "Nevermind." He pulls me back against his chest and I melt into his warmth. I come to the conclusion that Justin's a good hugger as I snuggle into him.
"Thanks for listening to me," I tell him, "I appreciate it." He rested his hand against my cheek and I pull back to look at him.
"You're welcome," he replies, gently wiping away my tears, "You don't have to cry, Lonnie."
"I know," I said softly, "I can't help it though."
"Why?" Justin asked simply. I lean back into his chest and he embraces me again.
"I can never keep a good guy," I complained, "The first guy I love, cheats. The second guy I love, I leave. The third guy I'm with ends up being gay. What kind of shit is that?" Justin laughs.
"Well, the first guy was an ass, and the third gay can't help how he feels. But that second guy, he was the great one. Sucks for you." I laugh at his cocky demeanor and gently shove him as I pull away.
"Get over yourself," I joke. Justin laughs and pokes my side.
"It's not my fault I'm perfect." He pokes me again before tickling me gently. I laugh and frail my arms around, trying to keep him off of me.
"Stop it, Justin!" I command with a laugh. He smiles before poking me.
"What are you- Cameron." I look at him weirdly before laughing.
"Cameron what?" I asked before he turned me around to face the kitchen's entrance. Lord behold, it's the ice queen herself.
"What are you doing here?" Justin grumbles, instantly pulling away from me. Cameron glares in my direction as I return the favor.
"What's she doing here?" Cameron counters.
"We were hanging out," Justin answers. I can hear him softening up.
"I can't believe you actually came running to her," Cameron huffs, "I came all the way down here to apologize, but now I see I was better off in New York." She turns on her heel and walks out of the kitchen. Justin sighs before walking after her. I stand in the kitchen for a minute before I walk out into the living room. When I don't see or hear them, I go to the window to check outside.
I could see them across the gravel driveway. With the wild gestures everywhere, I could tell they were arguing. But Cameron suddenly covers her face with her hands and turns away from him. She's crying. I didn't even know she had emotions other than rage and jealousy.
Anyway, Justin puts his hand on her shoulder and she swats it away. He tries again and she does the same thing before he forcefully pulls her into his arms. She fights against him before finally relenting. They stand like that for a while, but Justin pulls her back and says something. Cameron nods and they share a kiss. My nose subconsciously wrinkles as their make out session continues. I look away and sigh to myself. After ten seconds, I look back and see Cameron hopping inside of her Toyota and Justin making his way back inside. I run into the kitchen, not wanting to be caught stalking them.
I plop down on the sofa and pretend to eat my ice cream as Justin walks in. He licks his lips as he takes a seat across from me.
"She left," Justin said, "She's going back to New York."
I fight back the urge to say 'good'. "Promotional stuff, right?" Justin nods.
"Cameron's really upset," he mumbles, "She actually thought I like slept with you or something."
"What?" I asked in disbelief, "She's so delusional."
"But I can't blame her," Justin muttered. By his suddenly defeated slouch and the way his sympathies were leaning toward Cameron, I could already sense what was going to happen.
"Justin, please don't do this again," I whispered, shaking my head disappointedly.
"Alonsha, I just need you to understand that Cameron and I haven't been stable since you got here and I'm just trying to ease the strain on our relationship."
"So, I'm the strain?" I questioned rhetorically, "I can't believe you're doing this again."
"I'm just asking for-" Justin began, but I wouldn't allow him to finish.
"If you say the words 'break' or 'permanent ending' I'm going to scream." Justin sighed and leaned back in his chair.
"I'm just asking for you to look at the position that I'm in," Justin pleaded, "I'm stuck between two women I really care about here."
"So, you side with one of them and leave the other behind?"
"I'm not trying to leave you behind, but Cameron. . ." He trailed off. A loss of words, I suppose. All I knew for sure was that this was some shit I didn't have the patience to deal with anymore.
"You know what, Justin? Fine," I said simply, "Take all the time you need."
Maybe you need space or some time
Your attitude is unpredictable
"Really?" Justin asked. The stun expression on his face told me he was expecting another argument, but I too tired to fight a losing battle.
And I don't want to make you unhappy
If you're not happy then you're free to go on
"Well, yeah," I assured, "I'm obviously some type of burden, so why make you suffer any longer?" His face contorted with confusion.
"I never said you were a bur-"
"You didn't have to," I interrupted, "You constantly putting our friendship on hold is enough to get your point across."
'Cause I don't want you stayin around
If I make you so miserable
"Lonnie, I want you in my life," Justin explained, "It's just. . . complicated now."
"You're complicated," I corrected, "One minute, we're friends. The next, we're not. If that's the way it's going to be, then I don't want to be a part of this friendship."
If you don't want me then don't talk to me
Go ahead and free yourself
"Alonsha," Justin called as I slid from the couch and stood.
"Justin," I sigh, "You don't want to be between Cameron and I, right?"
"No, but-"
"Now you won't have to," I continued, "I'm no longer a burden, an obstacle, or a strain to you guys."
If you don't want me then don't talk to me
Go ahead to someone else
Justin stared at me for a moment, but I turned away from his gaze. As I made my way out of the kitchen, I could hear his footsteps behind me. Something in my stomach churned the moment I felt his hand grip my arm, pulling me back.
"Why are you making this so difficult?" he asked. I could see the frustration written across his face, but I could care less. He's the last person who should be frustrated.
"I'm not making this difficult," I impugn, "Making things difficult seem to be your niche."
"Don't even," Justin dismissed, dropping my arm hastily, "All I'm trying to do is make things easier-"
"For yourself!" I insert.
"Stop interrupting me!" Justin barked.
"I'm sorry, but I have a hard time listening to bullshit," I quipped, "Why can't you admit that this isn't about the strain I'm supposedly putting on your relationship."
"What are you talking about?" Justin rolled his eyes.
"I'm talking about how you really feel, Justin," I informed him, "You still resent me for leaving, don't you?"
"What!"
"Don't even act like you don't," I told him, "Why else would you be pushing me away like this?"
Won't you be a man if it's over
And just admit that things ain't the same
"I'm not pushing you away!" Justin shouted, "Stop trying to make it seem like this is all my fault."
"It is!" I yelled, "I'm not the one who can't make up their mind!"
"You were!" Justin cried, "I'm not the one who ran off to 'find herself'! I'm not the one who left somebody who would've died for them!"
Between us, which one's the blame?
I stood there, chest heaving and stunned. How do you respond to something like that?
"I didn't leave because I wanted to. I left because it's what I needed."
"Yeah, well I need a break from our friendship," Justin mocked.
"You need to get your manhood back," I countered, "You seemed to have lost it over the past three years."
I had to take it there, I had to take it there
"Get the fuck out," Justin growled, "Screw the break. This shit ends here."
"Fine by me," I agreed with a huff, "And I'll gladly leave." I made sure to shoot a glare his way before walking through his living room. As I made my way inside the foyer, I grabbed my purse as I slipped on my sandals. I could already feel my headache coming on as I trudged down his steps.
I'm so pissed right now. Why didn't he just tell he wasn't over everything? I would've accepted that as an excuse for a break rather than Cameron. And God, why can't he get it through his head that leaving wasn't what I wanted to do. Does he even know how much he meant to me? He's acting like my heart didn't break everytime I saw him on t.v. or heard his song on the radio. At least he could walk into a supermarket and not see my face everywhere as a daily reminder to what they were missing.
But you know what I'm really mad about? The fact that no matter how big of an ass Justin is to me, I can't help but feel some guilt in the pit of my stomach. I can't help but still care about his dumbass. . . Not that I would freely admit that out loud.
I groan as I toss my bag into the backseat of my car. With my keys in hand, I make my way inside the Honda and start it. The only thing I'm determined to do is take a long bath and slip into bed before this headache morphs into a migrane.
Right about now, my feelings can be summed up in a two words: I'm tired. I'm tried of Justin. I'm tired of Cameron. I'm tired of being the burden. I'm tired of being the problem. I left LA because of that. And now it's the same old shit. I'm starting to think I should've stayed in Rhode Island.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Justin sighed as he flopped down on his living room sofa. His head was already starting to pound and he knew all that yelling was no good for his healing throat. Just two more reason's why his stress levels were rising. He was angry, but he didn't know why or at who. One part of him hates himself, the other points the finger at everybody else. He just doesn't know what side to listen to. His ego says the second part, but his heart says the first. . . .
He suddenly felt the vibrations of his cell against his leg. Eminem's 'Ass Like That' was muffled by his shirt as he unclipped his phone from his belt loop. He saw Cameron's name flash across the screen and he sighed before answering.
"Hey," he said tiredly.
"Is she still there?" Cameron asked, ignoring his greeting.
"No," Justin answered, "I kicked her out, if you must know."
"Thank goodness." Justin rolled his eyes.
"Where are you?"
"I'm halfway to the airport," Cameron informed him, "Why? You wanna come."
"No, I'm not in the mood for New York," Justin told her, "Maybe next time."
"Well, we have to hang out soon. I go to Europe next week."
"I'll. . . do something later," Justin mumbled absentmindedly, "I just don't feel like-"
"Hanging out with me?" Cameron inserted with an attitude.
"No, I'm tired right now," Justin explained, "I don't feel like sitting on the plane."
"Oh, I see what this is," Cameron griped, "You tell me to head on down to New York to finish work just so you can be alone with Alonsha, didn't you?"
"What?" Justin screeched, "I kicked her out! What don't you understand?"
"You know know what?" Cameron asked rhetorically, "Have fun with your bitch!" And with that, the line went dead. Justin groaned and rubbed the back of his head. This is just what he needed. Another person to be angry with him. His hands ran over his face in frustration before his cell phone rang again. He flipped it open and pressed it to his ear.
"What?" he asked rudely, knowing it was Trace through his caller i.d.
"Dude," Trace sniffled, surprising the hell out of Justin.
"Trace, what's wrong?" he asked, "Are you crying?" He waited as Trace paused on the other end.
"My mom just called," he whispered, "She said Lynn was too upset." Justin heart began to match the pounding in his head.
"Is mom alright?" Justin questioned.
"It's not mom," Trace assured before his voice cracked. Justin sat as he listened to Trace's cries in horror. Trace never cried. Ever.
"What the fuck is going on?" Justin demanded as panic and confusion overwhelmed him.
"Nana died, man," Trace wailed, "She just died." The beating of Justin's heart seemed to stop as the words hit him.
"Nana?" he questioned breathlessly, "My nana. . .Sadie nana?" Tears began to freely flow from his eyes as a whimper escaped his lips.
"Paul said she wasn't breathing when he checked on her," Trace explained, "They called for help-" Trace's statement was cut short by another crack in his voice, "She was already gone."
Justin sniffled and hiccupped as the tears fell from his eyes. Aside from his mother, his nana was the closest woman to his heart. The agonizing pain shooting through his stomach couldn't be descibed. He sniffled and wiped his tears away with the back of his hand.
"I'm coming home right now," Justin told Trace as he stood. He hung up the phone and grabbed his keys from the coffee table. He locked his door and hopped into his Mercedes. He drove down through his gates, tears welled up, heart racing, and never looking back.
Song Credit:
"Free Yourself" - Fantasia Barrino
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