Comfort & Sadness
"Alonsha, you're gonna love the lake. It's big and shiny with all these fishes in it!" Stephen gushed excitedly as we trudged through the small field of grass that leads to this mystical body of water, "Justin and gramps used to go fishin' all the time! Tell her, Justin!" I glanced over at Justin who smiled before laughing.
"Yeah, we did," Justin confirmed, "I never really understood how gramps got all those huge fish."
"It's that special bait he uses," Johanthan inserted, coming around to walk beside me, "He won't tell us what it is though." Justin and I laughed at the pout on his face and I drape my arm over his shoulder, giving him a squeeze.
"Don't worry about it," I assured, "One day you'll have a special technique you can tease him with." John shrugged and smiled.
"I hope so," he said, "That would be cool though. I wonder if I should start working on it now."
"Why not?" I asked before looking ahead. I stared in awe at the huge body of water in front of me. The bright sun shined, giving the peaceful waves a glow. As we neared the lake, I realized that it was clear enough to see the various pebbles and fishes in it. Justin gently took my hand and the boys ran off to play. He led me to a single wooden bench by the water and we sat down adjacent to each other.
"Not too close to the edge!" Justin called over to the boys. They nodded and continued to play some form of tag. "Beautiful, isn't it?" Justin asked me softly as we gazed at the scene in front of us.
"It is," I said in awe, "Very peaceful." Justin nodded and we sat in silence. The weather warmed up a bit, but it's still cool out. The birds are still chirping and the quiet of the lake was relaxing. Living in Los Angeles doesn't give you much time to stop and see the beauty of nature. The hustle and bustle of the city life pulls you away from it. Justin told me that home brought him back and I truly understand that now.
"Nana would come with us when we went fishing," Justin mumbled, "She'd sit right here and cheer us on whenever we caught something. But she hated fishing. She said it was worse than golf." I smiled softly as Justin chuckles at the memory.
"We talked out here too," Justin continued, "She'd tell me about love and God. We'd talk about everything and never get tired of it. She had the best advice, ya know? She was so wise and honest," He quickly wiped the tip of his nose, "I guess that's what I miss the most. Her words of wisdom. The patience she had for me when I did something stupid. The way she never judged me. Everybody was mad at me at one time or another, but Nana never was. She always heard me out and excused my stupidity. Even when I hurt her."
I watched as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. His eyes drifted down to his feet and I'm sure a few things he's not proud of flashed through his mind. I didn't really know what to say. Justin showed me some of Nana's favorite things through photographs and even took me to this music shop she went to, but he never really spoke this deeply about her.
"Right before she passed, Nana wanted to come here with me," Justin revealed, "But I blew her off for Cameron." Regret was written all over his face.
"You didn't know she was going to-" I began, only to be interrupted.
"But she was still my Nana," Justin said, "I should've stayed. We could've had more time."
"That little bit of time wouldn't have mattered, Justin," I assured him, "She knew you loved her and she loved you. That's what counts."
"I know. I just. . . I feel. . .guilty," Justin whispered. I scooted over and rested my hand on his, giving it a squeeze.
"You've got nothing to feel guilty about," I told him softly, "None of this is your fault." Justin's head was bowed down shamefully before he looked over at me. His blue eyes were wide and glazed over with tears. I could feel my heart break as the sadness poured from his eyes.
"I can't help but think she's mad at me," Justin confessed, "I keep thinking that she didn't believe I loved her anymore. That I thought Cameron was more important." A single tear rolled down his vanilla cheek and I reached up and wiped it away.
"You know Nana," I said, "Would she really think for one moment that you, of all people, didn't love her anymore? That you put Cameron before her?" Justin sighed and looked away. He shrugged his shoulders and stared at the ground.
"I guess not," he whispered.
"Don't guess," I scolded lightly, "You know she wouldn't, right?" He shrugged and I placed my hand on his cheek, forcing him to face me, "Right?" He finally nods.
"Yes." He sniffled and nuzzled his face into my hands. I smiled softly and he returned the kind gesture.
"Justin! Justin!" Stephen called excitedly as he ran over to us, "Johnathan caught a fish with his hands!" Justin and I pull away from each other and smile as he breathes heavily, "It's so big! Come see it!" He grabbed our hands and pulled us up from the bench.
"Hurry ya'll!" John called as we approached him, "It's heavy." Justin kneeled down by Johnathan's side and lit up the moment he saw his brother's catch.
"You got a Rainbow Trout, Johnny," Justin said in awe, "Those are so hard to get." He ran his fingers over it's scales and I scrunched up my face. I don't mess with fish unless it's fried.
"Are you taking it home?" I asked curiously.
"Nah, I'm gonna let her go," John informed me.
"Her?" I asked, "How do you know it's a girl?"
"I don't," John laughed, "But I'm gonna name her Sadie." Everybody quieted at John's news and Justin gently patted his back.
"Okay," he said softly, "Let her go." Johnathan reluctantly dipped his hands deeper into the water and allowed the fish to swim away. We all stood there and watched as she disappeared into the distance. Johnathan sighed and smiled weakly.
"Bye Nana."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"So, where is he?" Tiffany asked as I cradled the phone between my ear and shoulder.
"Locked up in his room," I answered, "After we came back from the lake, he said he wanted to be alone."
"Is he alright?" I shrugged, even though she couldn't see me, and continued to grab a plate from the dish holder.
"I don't know," I sighed, "I'm going to check up on him in a few minutes. I'm making him a plate."
"Aw, I miss your cooking too," Tiffany whined, "How long are staying?"
"I just got here," I laughed, "Maybe for the rest of the week. I told Chris to give me two weeks."
"You're too good of a friend," Tiffany commented, "He dissed you twice, but you're catering to his ass." I rolled my eyes.
"I know, but I can't help it," I said, "I hate seeing him so unhappy. You know I still care about him."
"You still love him," Tiffany mumbled like I couldn't hear her.
"Yeah, like I love you," I informed her, "Don't even start that crap."
"What?" she asked innocently, "I didn't say anything."
"You were implying things," I told her.
"Whatever," she dismissed, "Bosco misses you. He's whining in the corner right now." Aw, my Bosco. . .
"How is he?" I asked as I scooped up some rice and placed it on one side of Justin's plate.
"He's doing great," Tiffany assured, "He hates that stupid cone thing around his neck." I laughed and added some greens.
"I can't blame him," I smiled, "How's Farah doing?"
"Oh, I spoke to her earlier," Tiffany gushed, "I'm watching her tonight so Al and Marky can get some quality time together."
"Cool," I said as I picked up a piece of chicken and completed his meal, "Give her lots of kisses for me."
"Will do," Tiff promised, "What did you cook?" I smiled toward Lynn as she walked through the kitchen door. She returned the gesture and grabbed the huge bowl of greens before she headed back out to the dining area.
"Greens. . ." I mumbled as I grabbed the next big bowl of rice, "Rice. . . And chicken."
"The chicken with the sauce you make?" she asked excitedly. I laughed.
"Yeah," I confirmed as Lynn walked back in, grabbing the chicken.
"Oh, man," Tiffany whined, "I'm so hungry when you're away." I laughed again.
"Well, Justin wants me here, so you'll have to wait." I exit out of the kitchen and place the bowl of rice in the center of the table.
"Fine, I'll starve," Tiffany sulked, "I gotta order take out and shower. So, send everyone my love."
"I will," I told her, "Kisses and hugs for everybody. Especially Bosco." Tiffany chuckled and sighed.
"Okay," she said, "Talk to you later, Lon."
"Alright." I walked out into the living room, "Bye."
"Bye." We hung up and I placed the phone back on its base as I walked up the stairs. I carefully walked down the hall and stopped in front of Justin's white door. I knock softly and wait for a response. When I don't get one, I gently tap again.
"Jay. . ." I said softly, "It's Alonsha." I still don't get a response, so I turn the door knob. It's open, to my surprise, so I make my way inside. I look up to his bed and see him laying there, staring at the ceiling. He doesn't even glance my way when I shut the door behind me.
"I bought you some food," I told him. He looked over at the plate in my hands.
"I'm not hungry," he mumbled.
"You haven't eaten all day," I pressed, "You have to eat something." He sighed and turned his back to me.
"Go away." I roll my eyes and walked over to his bureau. I placed the plate of food on top of it and made my way over to him.
"You want to talk about what's bothering you?" I asked gently. Justin snorted.
"Geeze, I don't know," he said sarcastically, "My grandma died, my girlfriend hates me, and-" I raised a brow when didn't continue on with his rant.
"And what?" I pried.
"And you won't leave me alone!" he spat. I sighed.
"Fine," I relented, "Excuse me for caring." I stood there silently and Justin remained silent as well. I knew Justin wanted to talk. He loves to talk. He'll crack eventually.
"I'm not mad at you." See, he couldn't resist.
"Uh huh," I mumbled, taking a seat on the bed.
"I was so happy with you here, ya know?" Justin said, "Yesterday and most of today was great."
"What happened?" I asked.
"We went to the lake and Nana was consuming my mind all over again," Justin revealed, "When John let that stupid fish I go, I felt like I lost her again."
"He didn't mean to make you feel that way."
"I know," Justin told me, flipping onto his back again, "It's really hard to accept that she's really. . . gone."
"I wish I could tell you I understand, but I don't," I said honestly, "My mom died before I got to know her, so I really didn't lose her."
"You don't fill a void though?" Justin asked, "Like something's missing." I shrugged.
"I used to, but it was only because I wanted someone to run to when my dad was being an ass." Justin folded his hands on top of his stomach and took a deep breath.
"Even my dad's taking this better than me," Justin said sadly, "Nana was his mom. I would lose my mind if something happened to my mom."
"People deal with things differently, Justin," I explained.
"What's that suppose to mean?" Justin asked curiously, "I'm more sensative?"
"Could be," I told him, "Or maybe he was just better prepared for this. He's older, so he hand more time to accept what was bound to happen."
"I guess," Justin breathed, "Did you get that out of a book?"
"What I just said?" I asked. Justin nodded, "Maybe. I don't remember." He smiled weakly at me and idly played with my fingers.
"Can I have some grub now?" Justin questioned. I laughed and raised a brow.
"So, now you're hungry?" He laughed and sat up.
"I've been hungry since I smelled you cookin'," he chuckled.
"You're lucky I'm a nice person," I told him jokingly. I stood from the bed and walked over to his meal. I picked it up and walked slowly toward him.
"Hurry up!" Justin demanded with a smile.
"Don't rush me, fool!" I laughed and handed him his plate.
"Thank you." I nodded my head as he scooped up some greens and rice. He stuffed his face and I laughed when he looked up at me, cheeks puffed up.
"Aw," I cooed, "You look like a chipmunk." Justin haulted his chewing and narrowed his eyes at me.
"I do not," he whined. I puffed my cheeks up with air and mocked him. After a few seconds of glares from him, I busted out laughing again.
"Sowwy!" I said jokingly.
"Get out," Justin demanded.
"What?"
"There's the door," he said cockily.
"Fine," I told him, "But I take my food with me." I reached for his plate and he pulled it away from me, crying out in protest.
"Okay, okay!" Justin complained, "You can stay."
"That's what I thought."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Justin took in a deep breath as he settled into the softness of his comforter. The whistling wind outside of his window seemed to chill the room and he pulled the sheets over his shoulders. His eyes closed, then opened as he tried to get some rest. His body was tired, but his mind was more awake then ever.
He couldn't stop thinking about her and everything she had done for him. She dropped everything to come to him even though he strung her along, and blamed her for everything Cameron and him were going through. He was an ass and had realized this a while ago. His ego just won't let him say it out loud.
He wanted to apologize to her, but he didn't want her to remember what had happened before and leave him hanging. She promised to stay for at least a week when she first arrived, but even that was too little time. Justin was really enjoying her company. She helped around the house without being told to. She turned off her cell phone off when they had dinner the past two nights. Cameron wouldn't even think of doing that.
Cameron.
He had almost forgotten about her. She hadn't called him and he didn't expect her to. When it came to being stubborn, Cameron took the cake. That's why he hated fighting with her. Nothing ever worked out, it was just ignored. A kiss here, a kiss there, and that was it. Alonsha had snuck in a few comments during the last two days, telling him Cameron had a right to know about his Nana. Justin would simply tell her that if Cameron cared, she'd call.
But she didn't care, obviously. Two weeks without talking to your own boyfriend seemed to show that.
"Damn it," Justin grumbled as he flipped onto his other side, desperately trying to get comfortable. He had to stop thinking. Gramps had told him to, but he didn't know how. The last time he did that was when he begged Alonsha to visit him. And the time when he asked her to share her bed with him. He slept really well that night. So well that he wouldn't mind sleeping like that again.
Justin suddenly pushed away his sheets and sat up. He placed his bare feet on the rug by his bed and stood. His eyes were already adjusted to the dark, so he simply walked out of his room and down the hall. He took the stairs to the third floor and made his way to the second door on the right. He knocked gently, not wanting to wake Stephen and John next door. It didn't take long for him to hear the stumbling of Alonsha's footsteps.
"Who is it?" she whispered cautiously and Justin fought off the urge to laugh. She was acting like there were criminals lurking around every corner in Millington.
"Justin," he answered softly. The door creaked open and she stood before him in PJ bottoms and a long sleeve shirt. Her hair was wrapped up in a scarf and she looked like she was wide awake.
"Let me guess," she began with a smile, "You want to sleep in here?" Justin smiled sheepishly and shrugged.
"Please?" Alonsha stepped aside and allowed him to enter the room. Justin watched as she slipped beneath the covers, scooting over so that he'd have room. He got in beside her and snuggled into her warm form without saying a word. The moment her hands rested in his curls, Justin could feel his mind relax, as well as his body. Her scent. Her softness. Her. . .everything was a comfort to him.
"Is this going to be the normal for now on?" Alonsha asked in a playful tone.
"Do you mind?" Justin asked, his eyes drooping tiredly as she subsconsciously messaged his head.
"Not at all," Alonsha replied, the small smile never leaving her lips.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Well, today sucked ass. Justin, Paul and gramps went down to Sadie's grave. They wanted to speak to her individually and give a final goodbye. Lynn and I stayed home after dropping Stephen and John home. Good thing we did. When those three came back home, it felt like so. . . sad. Justin retreated to his room. Paul and Gramps went to Sadie's house and Lynn and I stayed quiet. I guess we were trying to give them space.
Justin barely looked at me when he came inside. His eyes were red and puffy. His slow steps even dragged me down. I wanted to run over and hug him, but I could practically see the wall he built around himself.
I hated this. I hated the quiet. I hated being isolated. Cleaning and cooking seemed to be the only thing to keep me preoccupied, but eating with just Lynn across the table seemed to worsen the situation. Don't get me wrong, I loved Lynn. But the silence was deafening. Justin and I were doing so good. Just last night we were joking around and laughing, but now. . .
"I guess it was too soon," Lynn whispered. I looked up with confusion, "Them visiting Nana." I nod.
"It's only been a little over a week," I said, "I guess it was too soon." We fall back into silence.
"I'm sorry that you have to see all this," Lynn apologized, "Especially Justin. I know he's not himself."
"It's fine," I told her, "I'm here for him, no matter what. You too, Lynn." She reaches across the table and pats my hand.
"I really appreciate everything, Alonsha," Lynn said, "It's good to see you and Justin working things out." I smiled softly and nodded.
"Me too." Wait a minute. . .Are we working things out? Sure, we've been close, but what if this is temporary? I'll be pissed if Justin goes back to that friendship hiatus crap.
"You know what?" Lynn said, "I'm going to get some rest." She stood from the chair and picked up her half eaten plate of pasta.
"Okay. . ." I said with uncertainty. She smiled down at me before making her way into the kitchen. I frown and stare down at my plate. I can hear Lynn walking up the kitchen stairs and I sigh to myself. Just want I needed. More quiet. More lonliness. More. . . ugh.
After a few minutes of pointless stabbing, I end my pasta's misery and put it in the fridge. I walk out into the living room and flop down onto the couch. The remote calls to me and I turn on the television. I flip through the channels until I see The Simpsons across the screen. I sigh heavily and sprawl across the sofa.
At least I have bright, happy, yellow people to keep me company.
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