What, When, How, Why
Saturday, when I first arrived, things went well. Justin and I hung out. Sunday was cool too, minus the whole 'fish incident'. But Monday was hell. The visiting to Nana's grave put a damper on things for the entire day and even affected things on Tuesday. Both of those days consisted of lonely dinners with Lynn and Justin ignoring my existence. I'm hoping that things are different today because I can't take another sad night of The Simpsons.
"Mornin'" I hear Lynn greet as the kitchen door swings open. I turn away from the eggs I've been scrambling and smile in her direction.
"Good morning," I replied, "Hope you don't mind me getting started on breakfast." Lynn walks over to observe the kitchen table. I've made quite an effort, if I do say so myself. Bacon, sausage, grits, pancakes, orange juice, and coffee. She nods approvingly.
"I don't mind at all," Lynn grinned, "I appreciate it, hun." I shyly smile back at her and turn the heat off from under the pan. I add the eggs into a plate and set it on the table.
"Hopefully the boys will be up for it," I mumbled.
"I think they will be," Lynn said, "I just saw Justin in the hall on his way to the bathroom. He looked a lot better. Same for Paul. We got to talkin' last night and he told me that everything was becoming much easier to deal over the past two days."
"That's so good to hear," I told her earnestly before our conversation is interrupted by Justin's form. He quickly enters the kitchen and grabs two pieces of bacon from the table. He stuffs one in his mouth before walking over to the dish holder and grabbing a cup.
"Good morning," I greet happily. Justin's now standing by the table, pouring himself some orange juice from the pitcher.
"Mornin'," he mumbles distractedly, "Mornin', mom." His careless tone makes me feel as though he's angry with me, but then I realize I've done nothing wrong.
"So, how are you feeling?" I asked gently. He shrugs before he ponders.
"I don't know," he said sarcastically, "Like crap."
"Well, that would explain your attitude," Lynn quipped.
"Yeah, it would," Justin shot back, "I'm leaving," he announces.
"Where are you going?" I asked curiously. Justin looks up at me as he brings his glass to his lips.
"Out," he responds before taking a long gulp of liquid. I raise a brow and fight the urge to tell him to watch it.
"Okay. . ." I mumbled.
"It's not okay," Lynn stepped in, "Apologize for speaking to Alonsha that way," Lynn demanded. Justin gave her a look through the corner of his eyes before turning his attention to me.
"I'm sorry," he said dully, "Can I be excused now?" His dry sarcasm was annoying, so I simply ignored his apology.
"Fine," Lynn told him, "Make sure you come back with a better attitude." With a swift roll of his blue eyes, Justin retreats from the kitchen. I wonder what bit his ass in the middle of the night, but discard these thoughts. He was going through a lot so his emotions would be all over the place. I can't hold his pain against him.
"So," I began, tapping my fingers against the marble counter top, "Are you going to invite gramps over or should I?" Lynn smiled softly.
"I'll do it," she told me, "But could you call Randy and ask him to drop of the boys?" I nodded my head as she made her way out of the kitchen.
"Sure thing," I replied before she gave a final smile and walked out.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"Okay, boys," I called as I walked out into the living room, "Time to wash up." I get two identical groans of protest from John and Stephen as I herded them away from the television screen and to the stairs.
"Lonnie. . ." Steve whined. I placed my hands on my hips and playfully stood my ground.
"Up." I pointed up the stairs and they marched to their individual bathrooms. I sighed and looked at time on the television set. It was already 10:35pm and Justin had yet to come home. Or call, for that matter. I'm worried out of my mind because somebody as unstable as he is can get himself into trouble. He didn't say who he was going with or where he was headed. For all I know, he could be in Hong Kong.
If I'm racking my brain, I don't even know what Lynn's going through. That's her son out there, for goodness sake. But I'm a little angry about his attitude earlier. Talk about crabby.
"Alonsha!" My attention turns in the direction of John's voice.
"What?" I called back as I stood at the bottom of the stairs.
"Steve won't go to the bathroom," he complained, "He keeps saying there's something in there."
"Something like what?" I asked tiredly as I climbed the stairs. John shrugged and leaned against the wooden banister.
"I don't know," Johnathan said, "Knowing that squirrel fart, it could be trolls." He laughs at his own name calling and I gently tap his arm.
"Your brother is not a squirrel fart," I scold, "Where is he?" He points to one of the bathrooms down the hall.
"I was in there when he came whinin'," John said, "He won't get out." We approached the bathroom door and the bright light illuminated the room. I leaned against the doorframe and smiled at Steve as he sat on the toilet seat.
"What's the matter?" I asked him. He defensively stood.
"Nothing's the matter," he denied, "I just wanted to use this bathroom."
"Liar," John mumbled. I give him a look and turn back to Steve.
"It's okay to be scared. It's dark upstairs," I assured.
"I'm not scared," Steve whined, "I'm almost ten."
"You're seven, stupid!" John spat, "Get out of my bathroom."
"John!" I reprimanded.
"So what?" Steve asked, "Seven's close enough."
"Whatever," John breathed, "Can I pee now?"
"Why don't you go upstairs?" Stephen challenged.
"'Cause I was here first!" John shot back.
"Okay, boys," I interrupted, "Steve, let John use the bathroom. You can go after him or I can take you upstairs." Stephen stubbornly stayed seated and in that moment, I saw everything Justin. Where the hell was he?
"Fine," Stephen relents, "You can take me upstairs." I let out a sigh of relief and wait for him to make his way over to me. John rolls his eyes and steps inside the bathroom.
"Thank you, Alonsha," he said politely, "Punk," he growls toward Stephen before shutting the door in his face.
"I'm not a punk!" Steve cried out, "Dummy!"
"Takes one to know one!" John teased. Before they could continue, I knocked on John's door.
"Quit it," I demanded, "You too, Stephen." He pouts and crosses his arms over his chest.
"Can we go up now?" he asked gently. I nodded my head and rested my hand on his shoulder, giving him a pat on the back.
"You know, I'm afraid of the dark too," I admit. Stephen looks up at me, shock written across his face.
"Really?" he asked.
"Yeah," I sighed, "But only a little bit." Stephen laughed.
"That's weird," he told me, "Justin said he wasn't scared of nothin'" I snorted as the memory of our CVS trip to buy tampons came to mind. I chuckled to myself and looked down at Stephen.
"I bet I can name one thing."
"What?" he asked curiously.
"Nothing," I told him quickly, "What kind of friend would I be if I told his secret fear, huh?" Stephen raised a brow.
"Fine, don't tell me," he said, "But what if I gave you ten bucks?" I laughed and ruffled his hair.
"Nope," I grinned, "It's not for sale." Stephen sucked his teeth and jogged up the third story stairs.
"Is it spiders?"
"No."
"Clowns?"
"No."
"Sharks?"
"Everybody's afraid of those."
"Cows?" I laughed.
"Nope."
"Cameron when she's angry?" I busted out laughing.
"No."
"What about when she's not wearing make up?" Stephen asked, "Even dad's afraid of that." As the words left his mouth, I howled with laughter. Tears clouded over my eyes and Stephen laughed also. That was too good. I think I nearly lost a lung on that one.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"Yeah, baby!" Justin's eyes drifted over to Samuel as he threw another dollar bill at one of the poll dancers. Justin chuckled to himself as he turned back to the girl in front of him. He was somewhat mesmerized as she slid down the silver poll and landed in a slipt. Her long, tanned legs slid back so that she was now kneeling, her bottom directly in front of him for his viewing pleasure. The thong left little to the imagination, but Justin had no complaints.
"I think she likes you," Michael said, nudging Justin's side. He chuckled and waved his friend off. Justin's attention was caught by her sweet smell when she stood and grabbed onto the poll, spinning herself around. She smiled down at him as she quickly released the poll and leaned against it. Her back arched and her crotch thrusted forward as she inched her hands down her stomach, teasingly running over the shimming material of her panties.
Justin ran his eyes over the length of her body before they rested on her face. Glitter was sprinkled over her eyelids and blush accented her cheekbones as she smiled at him. Her eyes were dark and her seductive hip movements made a million things run through his mind. Her dirty blonde hair fell over her shoulders as she turned her back to him. He watched as she dipped down low and came back up again. Her hands crept behind her back and untied the bikini top she was wearing. She smiled over her shoulder at him and cupped her breast as she turned to face him.
"Don't be shy," Justin told her with a small smile. She raised a brow and slowly slid her hands from her breasts and down her body. She squatted suddenly, her fingers trailing along her thighs as she spread her legs apart. She kneeled against the lit up floor and crawled over to the edge of her stage. Her face was a few inches from Justin's now and he stared into her face. Even though her breasts were there, shaking as she swiveled her hips, he couldn't turn away from her face.
She was gorgeous.
She looked innocent. Not in some kinky way, but in a sweet and genuine way. Justin's face crumpled as the thought of her being someone's daughter came to mind. What if she was a mother just trying to make ends meet? What if she's a victim of a terrible life and this is the only way she felt wanted? He knew nothing about her, yet he automatically treated her like an object. Dollars being thrown at her like that's all she's worth.
He wondered why she would degrade herself this way and almost asked her. He stopped himself by taking a long swig of his beer. Why was he even here? His grandmother would be disappointed if she saw this. But what if she already was seeing this? Don't they tell you your love ones are watching over you? Justin cautiously looked up at the ceiling as though his Nana would be there, shaking her head with a sour look on her face.
"You okay, man?" Trace asked as he pulled up a chair beside his friend. His eyes darted towards the stage the moment the girl grinded against the poll.
"I'm fine," Justin lied as he looked away from his stripper friend and grabbed the beer Trace brought him.
"Are you ready to leave?" Trace asked hopefully. Justin looked over at his friend, still shocked that he didn't want to be here. Trace had found every excuse not to watch the strippers. Bathroom. Phone call. Drinks. Ever since Elisha and him got engaged, he started to see it as tasteless. But he didn't want to get teased for it. Half the guys they knew already named him 'Whippy' and made the cracking noises of a whip the moment he walked into a room.
"Yeah," he replied, "I'm tired." Trace nodded and stood. Justin did the same, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a hundred dollar bill. He looked at his stripper and waved it around. She took it from his hands and tucked it in her thong. She blew him a kiss and Justin winked as he and Trace began to walk away. They told the rest of the guys they were leaving and everybody said their goodbyes.
"Give me the keys," Trace demanded once they stepped outside.
"What for?" Justin asked as he pulled out his keys and walked toward his white Escalade.
"Because you've been drinking."
"So have you," Justin shot back.
"I had half a beer," Trace told him, "You had four."
"Three and a half," Justin corrected, "And I feel fine." Trace haulted his walking and Justin continued down the block.
"Yo, Justin!" Trace called, a smile across his face.
"What?" Justin asked, annoyed.
"The car's right here," Trace laughed. Justin looked back at where he stood, and sure enough, his Escalade was parked right where he left it. He sighed and walked back down the block. Trace held out his hands and Justin reluntantly gave him the keys.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
It was around one in the morning when I heard the front door open and close. That noise was soon followed by the sound of creaking stairs and Justin's sneakers squeaking against the hall's wooden floor. I rolled my eyes as I walked down to the second floor, careful to not make too much noise as I made my way toward his room.
"Hey," Justin greeted as he took a seat on the bed and I leaned against his doorframe, "You're up late."
"So are you," I said, "Did you have a good time today?" He nods.
"Yep," he replied, "The guys and I had a great time." He looked away from me and untied his shoelaces. I watched as he did so, tossing his Nikes over into his open closet door.
"Do you feel better?" I asked. He stands up and pulls his red t-shirt over his head, leaving him with a ribbed tank on.
"Not really," he answered honestly as he unbuckles his belt.
"You want to talk about it?" He throws his belt on a chair adjacent to his bed. He sits back on his mattress and pulls off his white socks.
"No," he told me.
"Why not?" I pried. He sighs heavily stands up, walking over to his bureau and opening up a drawer.
"Because I don't want to," he explained, digging through his folded clothes.
"Did I do something?" I asked him, even though I know that I didn't. I just want to see where this conversation can go, so I can figure out why he's so bitchy.
"Alonsha, what's with the interrogation?" Justin snapped, "I don't want to talk because I don't want to talk." I put my hands up in surrender.
"Fine," I told him gently, "I was just trying to figure out who you were really mad at."
"Everybody," Justin mumbled, "I mad at every person, every animal, every. . .thing!"
"Why?" I asked simply.
"Because I am," he said abrutly.
"I don't think you're angry," I told him, "I think you're hurting."
"Well, that too," Justin said bitterly, "Are we done with our therapy session?" I decided not to be discouraged by his attitude.
"No," I told him smartly, "Why don't you tell me what you're thinking." My professional tone covered my true concern and Justin stared at me blankly.
"Cameron hasn't called me," Justin muttered, "I tried calling her last night to tell her about Nana, but she didn't pick up." I nodded my head as I walked over to his bed, taking a seat on the edge.
"She hasn't called?" I asked.
"No," Justin said, shutting his drawer, "Not that I left a message for her to get back to me."
"Well, maybe you should call her again." Justin sighed and shook his head.
"I don't want to speak to her," he said.
"What did she do?"
"What hasn't she done?" Justin hissed suddenly, "She hasn't even made an effort to contact me, knowing that I wouldn't go three days without speaking to her unless something was really wrong. But does she care about me enough to set her pride aside and call? No."
"Well, she can say the same about you," I told him, "She's probably wondering why you didn't call her either."
"What?" Justin asked rhetorically, "Why are you defending her? She treated like shit from the moment she met you."
"I know," I mumbled. Why was I defending her?
"You see? Right there, that's what Cameron does," Justin said, "She confuses people and make their emotions get out of control."
"Justin-"
"No, Alonsha," he interrupted, "I mean, she's the one who has me feeling guilty about Nana. If she hadn't demanded that I come to New York with her, I wouldn't be this depressed knowing that I could've had more time with Nana. Then, on top of that, I didn't even stay in New York because she wants to get all psycho jealous and kick me out of our hotel room. So, instead of being home with my grandma, I was in LA whining about how Cameron was such an irrational bitch."
"Justin, you cannot pin this on anyone," I said, "Do you honestly believe that things would've been different? Sadie would've passed even if you were here. It was just her time to go."
"How would you know that?" Justin sneered.
"It's common sense," I told him, "Cameron didn't make up some elaborate scheme to take you away from your Nana, okay? As big of a bitch that she may have been, she still loves you." As the words left my mind, my stomach churns. Me saying something nice about Cameron can make anybody sick.
"Whatever," Justin dismissed, "All I know is that life is completely ruined now. I planned my future with Nana in it. I planned on giving her great grandchildren and dancing with her at my wedding. Speaking of weddings, Trace's is suppose to happen in December, and now that plan's shot to hell because of her passing. And what about Thanksgiving? It's in two weeks, Alonsha. Two! Nobody's going to be ready for that. I might have to plan a vacation to some place just so everybody could get their minds off things. Then another for Christmas, which is a month after that. Then Nana's birthday's coming up right before mine. . ." He trails off and breathes in deeply. I watch as he plops down next to me.
I looked over his features. His face is covered in light brown stubbles of hair. His skin is a lot peachier than it was before. His hair is sort of peaked up into a mini mohawk and when he looks over at me, I can see the blues of his eyes darken with sadness.
A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
"You can't keep worrying about that," I told him softly, "When the time comes, things won't be the same. Nana was a huge part in your family, and she is missed. So you can't put all the pressure to make things better. You have tons of people that are missing her as much as you do. You're not alone in this, Justin."
"I just want to help make things easier," Justin said, "I want to there for everybody."
"Then be there," I encouraged, "Don't try to buy them happiness. They'll see right through that. And you know what else? Stop shutting everybody out. Confide in them like you confide in me."
"I can't throw my worries onto them," Justin said, "You didn't lose Nana, Alonsha. You're not unstable like the rest of my family." I nodded understandingly.
"That's true," I told him, "But they know how you're feeling."
"I just can't do that," Justin said, "Especially to my mom. She's holding everybody up right now. She's mad, isn't she?" She was earlier.
"No," I told him, "She's worried though."
"See?" Justin asked, "I made her worry about me and I feel guilty as hell. What kind of son am I? Being an ass like that to her when she's done nothing but take care of me my whole life. Maybe I should go talk to her." He went to stand, but I held him back.
"Not tonight," I said, "She just got to sleep, so we should let her rest." Justin nodded and settled back down. He leaned and rested his head on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry," Justin said softly, "I didn't mean to act like that earlier. I was just mad at Cameron and I took it out on ya'll." He sniffled and I felt my shoulder moisten with his tears. I hated when he cried.
"It's okay," I cooed, "You don't have to cry, baby." I lifted my arm to give his back a gentle rub.
"I hate crying," Justin whined.
"Well, it's therapeutic," I explained, "Crying cleanses you. So, let it out," I encouraged gently.
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wasn't prepared for the massive sob that escaped his throat. I tried not to seem caught off guard so I held him tighter and rocked us back and forth as I cooed words of comfort. This was truly pulling at my heartstrings. I loved him too much to see him in so much pain.
I wish that I could snap my fingers
Erase the past but no
You cannot rewind reality
Once the tape's unrolled
I stared out into the hall and fought back the urge to cry. I hated being emotional, but Justin's cries were killing me. I had no way of stopping those tears from falling, even though I wish I did. Being here these last few days has made me realize just how much he means to me. I dropped everything to see him without a second thought. I'll up to my eyeballs in paperwork once I get back. I'll have to catch up on everything at the center, finances and such. My social life has been put on hold and I have no idea if Justin and I will just fall apart once Cameron enters the picture.
But I wouldn't change a thing if I could. Knowing that he trusted me enough to support him in this time of tragedy is a reward in itself.
If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain
I will help you put the pieces back
A little more each day
Justin shifts in my arms suddenly and I feel a bit overwhelmed as his hands seem to be magnetically attached to the sides of my face. Before I can get a word in, I feel his mouth crash against my own. My eyes bulge as he hungrily attacks my lips. I can feel my heart beat ten times faster when his hand rested behind my head, pushing me closer to him.
What the fuck was he doing? When did this happen? How? And the biggest question of them all. . .
Why am I kissing him back?
Song Credit(s):
"Security"- Joss Stone
Story Tags: Be the first to add a tag to this story
