Left To Wonder
"Hello?" Justin answered distractedly as Cameron and him walked side by side up Sunset.
"Hey, it's Alonsha." A smile spread across his face involuntarily as he held the door open for Cameron.
"What's up?" he asked curiously, "I thought you were stuck at the center all day."
"I was. . . I am, more like it," Alonsha replied, "I'm just bored with bills, so I decided to ring you up."
"Cool," Justin told her, "What can I do to entertain you?" Cameron rose a brow and continued to shift through a rack of clothing.
"I don't know," Alonsha mumbled, "What can you do?"
"Well, nothing now," Justin said, "Cam and I are shopping for vacation stuff."
"Vacation?" Alonsha asked into the phone, "For Thanksgiving?"
"Yeah. We're going to Saint Martin's island," Justin informed her, "Well, islands. . ."
"Is everybody going or just you and Cameron?"
"It's a family thing," Justin explained, "We're just trying to get everybody's minds off things." Alonsha knew things meant Nana. It was going to be the first Thanksgiving without her.
"Damn, I want to go on vacation," Alonsha whined, trying to change the subject to something less depressing. Justin chuckled, already envisioning her pout.
"You already did," Justin said, "You remember those three years you took off for, don't you?" Alonsha snorted.
"I thought we were over that," she groaned.
"We are," Justin smirked, "Doesn't mean I can't tease you about it."
"That's exactly what it means," Alonsha argued.
"In your world," Justin retorted.
"Ugh. . . you're impossible," Alonsha whined, "I didn't call to be annoyed."
"Well, annoyance is my specialty."
"Apparently. . ."
"Smartass." Justin smiled to himself.
"Dumbass," Alonsha shot back.
"Oh, very mature, Lonnie," Justin said sarcastically.
"You started it," Alonsha pointed out.
"Actually, you did," Justin said smartly, "You called me, remember?"
"Remind me never to do that again," Alonsha grumbled, "Hold up, someone's on the other line."
"'Kay," Justin told her before hearing a click on the other end. His eyes darted around the store in search of Cameron and felt some panic when she was nowhere in sight. He began to walk around the small boutique and spotted her coming out of a fitting room. The frown that adorned her face told him her bikini wasn't fitting too well, and he smile softly as she pouted.
"I'm getting fat," she complained, "When did that happen?" Justin smiled.
"You're not fat," Justin assured, "The bathing suit's too small." Cameron glared at him and he chuckled.
"Thanks for that interesting compliment." Justin jumped slightly the moment Alonsha's voice filled his ears.
"Not you, woman," Justin said, laughing into the phone, "Cameron's- ow!" Justin rubbed the spot on his arm that was viciously attacked by Cameron's fist. A sour look crossed her face and she rolled her eyes.
"Are you okay?" Alonsha cooed.
"Yeah, Cameron just punched me for no reason," Justin explained.
"Domestic violence," Alonsha sighed, "So sad."
"Shut up," Justin grinned, "You talk a lot of smack, you know that?"
"Smack?" Alonsha chuckled, "Right. . ."
"Don't make fun of my word," Justin whined, "I don't make fun of your sayings."
"Oh please," Alonsha dismissed, "If I remember correctly, a certain Mr. Timberlake thought 'homeslice' was the most ridiculous thing in the world." Justin laughed and shook his head.
"That was the most ridiculous thing in the world," Justin smiled, "I'm glad you don't say that anymore."
"I should start again," Alonsha told him, "Just to annoy the hell out of you."
"You would do that, wouldn't you?"
"Darn tootin'," Alonsha replied. Justin laughed again.
"Darn tootin'?" he questioned, "You're more country than I am."
"Don't hate." Alonsha giggled lightly into the phone.
"On what?" Justin asked, "Your whack ass lines?"
"My lines are 'whack'?" Alonsha asked, "You cannot be serious."
"What?" Justin asked innocently.
"Whack is a dusty word," Alonsha informed him.
"Dusty?" Justin laughed, "What the hell is that?"
"Old, unused, no longer cool. . . Need I continue?"
"Why didn't you just say that instead of 'dusty'?" Justin asked.
"Because I like 'dusty' better," Alonsha told him.
"Fine, dude. Whatever floats your boat."
"Floats-"
"Shut up!" Justin interrupted with a laugh. Alonsha chuckled along with him.
"Well, look here, Jay," Alonsha said after sobering up, "I have to go."
"Awwwwwwwww, why?" Justin whined.
"Because I'm working," she explained vaguely.
"Work later, talk now."
"No can do," Alonsha said, "I've got a kid waiting for me." Justin sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Fine," he relented, "I guess we'll talk later."
"Oh stop it," Alonsha smiled, "You're acting like we won't ever see each other again."
"What if we don't, huh?" Justin challenged, "What if some War of the Worlds stuff goes down?"
"Then we're fucked," Alonsha laughed and Justin chuckled as well, "But seriously, man. I've gotta go." Justin sighed again.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he mumbled, "Bye."
"I'll call you as soon as I can," Alonsha assured, "Bye." She hung up and Justin flipped his phone shut.
"What?" Justin asked innocently when he turned and found Cameron glaring in his direction. She didn't answer him. Instead, she rolled her cyan eyes and huffed.
"Can we go?" she asked him, "I'm tired." Justin rolled his eyes the moment she turned and stomped off toward the exit of the store. He stuffed his cell phone back into his pocket and walked quickly to keep up with her fast pace. He had no idea what happened to cause this sudden change in attitude, but whatever it was, he hoped she'd get over it soon.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Well, Thanksgiving came and went, and I have yet to receive a call from Justin. It's been a little over three weeks since we last spoke on the phone and must say, I'm a little concerned with his sudden disappearance. I called him once or twice, but only got his voicemail. You know, the one he NEVER checks. I wonder if he's ignoring me on purpose, but he has no reason to. Unless Cameron went spawn of Satan on him all over again and convinced him never to speak to me again.
I wouldn't be surprised if she did. Her little breakdown in Millington scared the hell out of me at first, but the moment I mentioned it to Allison and Tiffany, they told me they were a bit suspicious. It got me thinking one thing: why? Why would she admit she's afraid that Justin will leave her for me? Why would she be so open with someone she couldn't stand just seconds before? Her complete change in attitude seemed a bit bi-polar, don't you think? But then again, it is Cameron. . .
But enough about her. My biggest concern was the fact that I can't get through three minutes of silence without thinking about Justin. Hell, even in total chaos, he finds some way to creep into my thoughts and distract me momentarily. Sometimes, in not so platonic ways. . .
Let me explain: Ever since that kiss on that fateful Wednesday, I've been a bit. . . off. I don't know why, but I'm suddenly taking more interest in flipping through old photos of Justin and I, wondering what could've been. Everytime I see a magazine in the center's lounge, I eagerly scan through it in search of an interview with Justin. And worst of all, everytime I see a couple kissing, hugging, or playfully caressing each other, I smile and imagine being enveloped in his arms. . .
God, kill me.
I haven't told anyone though. I can't. The glares of disappointment from Allison and the squeals of delight from Tiffany are things I'm not prepared to deal with. Especially since I don't deserve to suffer through either one of them. I didn't ask to be cursed with this phase of Justin. . .neediness. I want it to stop more than anything. This isn't right and I know that. He has a girlfriend and I have. . . a gay ex?
Ugh. . .I'm so pathetic right about now and tired of my new found longing for Timberlove. Oh goodness. . . Timberlove? What drugs am I on?
"Alonsha." Chris's voice interrupts my hectic thoughts and I'm somewhat grateful to be pulled away from the piles of paperwork in front of me.
"Yeah, Chris?" I replied tiredly as he shuts a notebook in his hands and sits on my desk with a huge smile across his face.
"I have a question. . ." he mumbles vaguely. I raise a brow, unsure of what to think.
"Yeah?"
"You don't have to answer now," Chris continued, "No pressure, okay?" I chuckled neverously.
"Alright. . ."
"So, I know you and Adam had a. . . thing,"
"Okay. . ."
"And I know things must've ended some type of way because he jetted out of here the moment his desk was cleared."
"Right. . ." I really wish he'd get to the point, but if it's revolving around Adam, I'm not so sure I want to know.
"Well, you guys are cool now, right?"
"Actually, I haven't spoken to him since we broke up," I informed him, "Why?"
"Well, there's a counselor position open in Philly," Chris said, "I want you to take it." Whoa, buddy. . .
"Philly?" I asked dumbly, "As in the east coast?"
"Yeah," Chris said with a nod, "It's great pay, Alonsha."
"But it's all the way across the country," I complained, "I didn't come back to LA just to leave again."
"But it doesn't start for a while," Chris reasoned, "May is when it's opening up, so you have lots of time to think this through."
"There's nothing to think over," I told him, "I can't move out to Philadelphia."
"It not really a move. The job is just for the summer and it won't cost you anything," Chris informed me, "Everything's covered. All you have to do is say yes."
"Well, why me?" I asked, "Why not Lisa or Ralph?"
"Because they've been here longer," Chris told me, "It's you or nobody."
"Then I hope nobody likes Philly," I mumbled.
"Alonsha, you're not understanding me," Chris said gently, "This center is overcrowded with counselors. We can't afford to keep you all at the moment."
"What are you trying to say?"
"I'm trying to say that if you don't take this position, you won't have one at all." My heart skips a beat and I frown.
"Are you firing me?"
"No, I'm offering you a better job to prevent you from being fired," Chris told me, "Alonsha, to put it bluntly, Philly needs you more than we do."
"I'm being forced to move," I growled, "I don't believe this."
"It's not something I want to do," Chris said sympathically, "But I'd really don't want to see you fired. I know how hard to trained to get to the position you're at, and I want to make sure you remain there."
"I just. . ." I trailed off at a loss for words. I love my job and the kids here. How am I suppose to just leave them all over again?
"Like I said," Chris told me as he stood to leave, "You have until May to give me an answer. I really hope you take this opportunity, Alonsha."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Well, after Chris's visit, I was a little down on my luck. I was no longer daydreaming romantic scenes about Justin. Instead, I was envisioning his face the moment I told him I would be abandoning him for a second time. I thought I would have more time to prepare my long speech, but he called me and asked if I was interesting in going shopping with him. He wanted to make for our three weeks of separation. It would've been rude to decline and besides, I missed him.
"So, don't forget to buy me at least one of these items," Tiffany said as she handed me a piece of paper. I took it from her hands and saw 'Tiff's Wish List' printed on the top left hand corner. She actually typed this shit up.
"Tiffany, who said I was shopping for you?" I asked with a small smile.
"Well, Christmas is in a few days and I searched this entire apartment for my presents and came up empty handed."
"That's because my gift is too big for a package," I told her.
"Oh goodness. . ." she breathed, "You got me a car!"
"Of course," I said enthusiastically, "Not." TIffany's huge grin disappeared in an instant and the buzzer of our apartment went off. I offered her cheesy smile before rising from the couch and walking to the door. I held down the small call button and spoke into the device.
"Who is it?" I asked politely.
"Your pimp," I heard Justin say, "Where's my money, h-"
"Call me a ho and I'll kill you," I interrupted with a grin. I could hear Justin laugh before I buzzed him in. I walked away from the door and sat back down on my sofa. Tiffany had apparently made her way into the kitchen because I could here the clattering of dishes.
"So, you and Justin are going where again?" I look up when I see Tiffany walking back into the living room and sitting on the loveseat across from me. I take a glance down at her hands and roll my eyes.
"Is that mine?" I asked, referring to the pint of Edy's she's devouring like nobody's business.
"Maybe," she mumbled quickly. I sighed and shook my head as I slipped on my white Forces.
"Don't maybe me," I told her, "You know that's mine."
"So?" Tiffany whined, "Let me enjoy it."
"Enjoy your own food," I whined before lacing up my sneakers.
"I can't," Tiffany said, "Scott came by and raided the fridge."
"When?" I asked.
"Before you came home from the grocery store." I rolled my eyes. Bullshit.
"Sure. . ." I pulled the tongues of my shoes up before fixing the denim of my jeans over them. I stood and tugged at the hem of my t-shirt before a knock at the door caught my attention. I walked over to it and opened it wide. Justin stood before me, decked out in a hoodie/jean/Nike combo similiar to mine. I smiled and he leaned down, placing a kiss on my cheek.
"What's up, girl?" he greeted, "I haven't seen you in a while."
"And who's fault is that?" Justin playfully rolled his eyes before gently pushing me to the side.
"Hello, Tiffany," he said politely, also offering her a kiss on the cheek.
"Hey, Jay," Tiffany replied, "How's things?"
"Good, good," he answered, "I just got back from Virginia Beach. I was working with Pharrell on my next album."
"Really?" I asked curiously, "I thought you were still resting your voice?"
"I am," Justin explained, "I was just writing and listening to beats," I nodded, "And oh, let me tell you!" Justin broke out excitedly, causing me to laugh.
"Do tell," Tiffany encouraged.
"Well, Pharrell was mixing this one beat he made up with this hot ass drum beat Chad had going and that shit is DOPE!" I chuckled and nodded.
"I'm sure it is," I told him.
"You have no idea," Justin said enthusiastically, "I have to put it the album."
"And we have to go," I mocked, "Your mama's waiting for us."
"No she's not," Justin told me, "My dad got sick, so she decided to stay home."
"It's just you and me then?" I asked while fighting off the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Yeah," Justin strolled over to me and draped his arm around my shoulder, "Now I can kick your ass without being smacked." Before I had a chance to stop him, his arm locked around my neck and I was in a headlock. Tiffany chuckled as Justin patted my curly hair and jerked me around a bit.
I was giggling my ass off, but I was mad that my hair was being ruined by his boyish games. So, in order to peel him off of me, my hands innocently made their way under his hoodie and began tickling his sides. He laughed and immediately released me. I continued to tickle him and enjoy and laughed as he squirmed.
"Alonsha, stop!" Justin cried, but didn't put up much of a fight. I, of course, continued tickling him. It was all fun and games until his shirt hiked up and my hand came in contact with his lower stomach. The heat of his skin shocked me and I immediately yanked my hands away. Justin finished of his laugh before taking notice of my facial expression.
"Are you okay?" Justin grinned. I nodded.
"Yeah," I told him, "We're just wasting valuable shopping time acting like five year olds." I made sure to smile in order to convince him. Justin raised a brow and smiled down at me.
"Fine, but I'm getting your ass later," he warned.
"Whatever," I said, rolling my eyes playfully, "You're not getting anyone later."
"I beg to differ." Justin winked at me and smiled. I wrinkled my nose with disgust, but I felt my stomach knot up as I began to feel a bit shy.
"Okay, dumb and dumber," Tiffany said, "Get out and Alonsha, I'm serious about that list." I rolled my eyes as I grabbed my hoodie from the coat hanger. I slipped it on and zipped it closed.
"Sure," I said with a smile. Tiffany glared at me before standing and shoving us out the door.
"Have fun." She looked over at me and rose a brow before shutting the door.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Six hours and millions of bags later, Justin and I were at my apartment and trudging up the hall. It was already eleven o'clock, but we were far from exhausted. During the time we shopped, we visited almost every Starbucks we saw, which is a hell of a lot. In fact, we're so high on caffeine that I don't remember what we're laughing at.
"Oh shit," Justin laughed as one of his bags slipped from his grasp and landed on the floor, "I hope that wasn't the china. . ." I chuckled to myself and opened the door to my apartment. Justin quickly and playfully pushed past me and placed his bags by the sofa. I followed behind him and made my way over to my bedroom. I dropped the bags by my bed and made my way out to the living room. I saw Justin slip inside the apartment after grabbing his fallen bag from the hall. He placed it along side the rest of his stuff and unzipped his grey hoodie.
"Are you hungry?" I asked him as I made my way towards the kitchen.
"Yeah, I'm starving," Justin told me as I heard his pacing steps behind me. I held the door open for him and he thanked me as we made our way inside the same area. I scurried over to the fridge and rolled my eyes when I opened it.
"I'd offer you chicken, but it seems like Tiffany ate it all," I mumbled. Justin laughed.
"That girl eats everything," Justin complained, "How am I suppose to get fed?" I laughed lightly and rolled my eyes.
"I don't owe either one of ya'll my food," I stated sternly, "Both of you are too greedy." Justin sucked his teeth and smiled.
"Whatever, you love us anyway." I glanced over at him and rolled my eyes.
"For reasons unknown," I responded. Justin stood quickly and walked over toward the fridge. I laughed the moment she bumped me over with his thin hips and non-existant ass. He chuckled and began rummaging through the contents of the fridge.
"Look," Justin said excitedly, "I've got an idea." He stood up straight and held up a jar of pasta sauce in his hands.
"What?" I asked curiously.
"Where there's pasta sauce, there's pasta." He nodded to himself as he placed the glass on the counter. He walked by me and began to go through my cabinets.
"What are you doing?" I asked with a smile.
"I'm. . .making us. . ." He paused as he finally found what he was looking for, "Dinner." He waved the carton of spagetti before placing it next to the sauce.
"You're cooking?" I asked in disbelief.
"Yeah," Justin scoffed, "I can cook pasta."
"Since when?" I laughed.
"Since. . .now." He chuckled to himself as he dug through over cabinet and drawer in the kitchen.
"What are you looking for?" I asked, still amused with the scene ahead of me.
"A pot for the pasta." I pointed downward.
"Second cabinet on the bottom." He nodded and retrieved the pot.
"Thanks," he said politely as he rinsed it and added water to it.
"No problem," I smiled, "But do me a favor and try not to burn down my kitchen. Or apartment, for that matter."
"Ha. Ha," Justin said drily as he placed the water on the stove and turned on the heat, "You just shut up, okay?"
"No," I told him, "This is my home, fool."
"Well, I'm cooking," Justin shot back, "So, if you wanna eat, stop talking smack."
"What did I say about that stupid word?" I asked.
"What did I say about talking?"
"Don't make me hurt you," I smiled.
"You know what? I'm glad you said that," Justin said with a sly grin, "I still have to get you back for that tickling shit earlier."
"Or you can just kiss my ass." I smiled in a condescending manner before laughing to myself.
"I'd rather kick your ass."
"I'd like to see you try, Timberpond."
"You know what!" Justin laughed as he pretended to tackle me. I laughed to myself as I tried to get him off of me, but at the same time, trying to keep him exactly where he was.
Take it back, take it all back now
The things I gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips
I miss that now
Damn myself. Damn myself to hell. Why was I doing this? Why now? Why was this playful moment turning into something more than that? Why was the feeling of Justin's warmth against eliciting more than a giggle from me. Why am I feeling myself get the urge to turn around and kiss him like I never kissed him before?
"Are you okay?" Justin asked as he pulled away from me and spun me around to face him. The smile across his face told me that the tackle was just that - a tackle and I'm somewhat disappointed.
"Nothing," I lied as I quickly glanced down at his pink lips. I averted my attention to the water boiling on the stove, "You can put the pasta in now." Justin raised a questioning brow before finally turning away and walking over to the pot. He tore the package of spagetti open as I played with the hem of my shirt out of nervousness.
I can't try any harder than I do
All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you
I'm broken in two
I decided to take a seat at the small kitchen table instead of standing behind Justin and watching him cook to the best of his abilities. I saw him pick up the blue package that once held the spagetti and read over it. I can't believe he needed directions to cook pasta. The boy was just sad.
"Fifteen to twenty minutes. Stir occassionally." Justin smiled as he dropped the package and stirred the pasta, "Why can't this shit cook faster? I'm hungry now." I smiled softly as he tapped the giant spoon on the edge of the pot and placed on the side. He slapped his hands together and proudly grinned in my direction.
"Wow, you cooked pasta, Jay," I said drily, "Yay." He glared at me and rolled his eyes.
"Don't hate," Justin whined, "Just 'cause I can't cook a six course meal, doesn't mean I can't get a little credit for pasta."
"You're right," I told him as he sat down next to me, "Congrats on almost cooking dinner."
"Thank you," Justin said with a goofy grin, "Anyways, did you have fun today?"
"Yes, aside from my feet killing me and being high on caffeine." Justin chuckled lightly.
"I missed this," Justin said, gesturing between the two of us, "It's been a while since we've just been. . . us." I smiled and nodded in agreement.
"I know," I told him softly, "I missed us." I really didn't know which 'us' though. Was it the Randy Candy and Beautiful us, or the Jay and Sexy us? Did I miss my homeboy or my boyfriend?
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
Song Credit(s):
"Undiscovered" - Ashlee Simpson
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