Truths and Lies
I've been trying. I really have. I've been praying. I really have. I've wishing and hoping and second guessing, but none of it seems to help. My 'feelings' have been inching closer and closer to the more than friends line and it's like no matter what I do to stop myself from crossing over it, I seem to move faster.
For instance, Justin invited me to New York for New Year's. I declined and claimed I had plans. I didn't. I just couldn't trust myself around him. I was afraid I'd do something stupid. Really stupid, if you know what I mean. It's ridiculous though. Justin and I are friends. He said that to me Christmas morning when he dropped off my present (a silver charm bracelet and a fresh pair of custom made Nikes).
'I'm glad we're okay now. I'm sorry for all the drama we went through in the beginning,' is what he said. And I was left somewhat dejected. Unsastisfied. Sadden by the news that we're 'okay'. Just. . . 'okay'. Nothing more. Possibly something less. . .We're just 'okay'.
You're telling me were cool, but that just ain't enough
But you know what he did after that? He kissed me. On the cheek that is. His lips were close to the corner of my mouth though and it took everything in me now to turn my head just a little bit and experience that electrifying feel of his kiss.
I've been kissed on my cheek a million times. Doctors. Co-workers. Donators. Friends. But never in my twenty-three years of life have I ever met a man that made me want to jump his bones because of it.
'Cause everything that you do makes me want you more
Feeling that I have for you can't be replace easily
I shouldn't be feeling like this though. Where the hell did this come from anyway? One minute, I'm perfectly content with the idea of a steady friendship. The next, I'm mesmerized by Justin's every move. Every word. Every. . .everything.
But you seem to think that you have the best of me
". . . So, that's why I chose to be an artist." My attention is caught the moment Sean clears his throat. I look up at him and smile sheepishly as he raises a brow.
"Really? That's interesting," I told him enthusiastically, even though I didn't hear a word he said. He smiled softly before taking a sip of his wine.
"You didn't hear a word I just said," he pointed out. The smile that remained on his face told me he wasn't angry about it, so I chose to confess.
"Sorry," I apologized, "I have the attention span of a gnat sometimes." He chuckled and nodded his head.
"It's cool," he assured, "I was boring you with my life story."
"No," I argued, "It wasn't you. I just have a lot on my mind." Not that any of it matters. I'm pointlessly battling my stupid emotions for Justin when I have a guy right in front of me. And a good looking one too. He was tall. Brown-skinned with light brown eyes. His smile was brighter than bright and his kind demeanor is what attracted me to him.
To any woman, he was some form of perfection, but here I was, ruining our date by spacing out during our conversation.
"Why don't we call it a night?" Sean suggested as he began to clean up his eating area. I nodded, but felt bad all the same.
"I'm really sorry," I apologized again as I picked my napkin up from my lap.
"It's okay," Sean reassured as he rose his hand up to get the waiter's attention. Our check was placed in front of him and before I had a chance to offer my half of the cost, his platinum credit card was out.
"I can pay for my half," I informed him.
"Word?" Sean asked rhetorically, "That's alright with me." His quick response caught me by surprise. All I could do was stare as he slipped his card back into his wallet and pulled out some cash.
"What?" I asked dumbly. I can't believe this fool did that. Sure, I offered to pay, but isn't there suppose to be some type of argument before I finally relent and allow him to handle the check?
"What?" Sean asked me. I took a deep breath before expelling it slowly.
"Nevermind." Cheap ass motherfu-
"Your phone," Sean announced as he pointed toward my purse. I hadn't realized it was ringing, but ignored it the moment the caller i.d. flashed Justin's name.
"Here's my half," I said, placing my money on the check, "Goodbye." I stood before he could respond. With my purse in-hand, I quickly walked out of the resturant and into the parking lot. I'm so glad I brought my own car. Sean probably would've asked me for gas money.
Before I could even start my car, my phone began to play Lola's 'No Strings' and I flipped it open before thinking.
"What?" I asked absentmindedly.
"Damn, who killed your puppy?" Justin asked with a hint of a smile in his tone.
"That's not funny," I mumbled, remembering Bosco's tragic accident.
"Shit, sorry," Justin hissed, "But he's fine now, right?"
"Yeah, but still. . ." I said softly, "Anyway, what's up?"
"Nothing, I was just wondering why you didn't answer your phone earlier," Justin told me. I rolled my eyes and sighed.
"Sorry," I apologized, "I was on a date."
"Really?" Justin asked dully, "Anyone I know?"
"Could've been if you'd give me Pharrell's number," I told him jokingly.
"Ha. Ha," Justin replied, "Not gonna happen."
"You're corny," I complained.
"So?" Justin said smugly, "You're still not getting his number."
"Whatever," I dismissed, "And it wasn't anyone you know."
"Then who was it?"
"Sean."
"Conary?" he questioned.
"Fuck you," I shot back, "Dating older folks seems to be your niche."
"Oh! Burn!" Justin laughed into the phone, "That was nice."
"Mmmhmm. . ." I mumbled, "So, is there a point to this conversation?" Not that there needed to be. Just hearing his voice was reason enough.
"Yeah," Justin breathed, "I need to tell you something."
"Go ahead," I encouraged.
"Not over the phone," Justin told me, "In person."
"Oh," was the only thing that slipped from my lips as my mind went numb. I haven't seen Justin since Christmas and I wasn't planning to until his birthday party in two weeks.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I squeaked out before clearing my throat, "I just thought you were with Cameron." I could hear the heavy sigh that escaped his lips.
"I was, but- nevermind," Justin grumbled, "We'll talk when you get here."
"Get where?" I asked.
"My house, dumbass." He laughed to himself and I playfully rolled my eyes.
"Fine, motherfucker," I groaned, "Give me half an hour."
"Why so long?" he asked.
"Because I need to change my clothes," I informed him, "I'm uncomfortable." He sucked his teeth and let out an exaggerated sigh.
"Damn, princess," Justin complained, "This is important shit here and you're worried about your outfit."
"I'm doing you a favor, man," I shot back with a smile, "You're lucky I'm driving all the way up those damn hills to see you."
"This is true," Justin agreed, "But you miss me anyway, so we both win." I really wish I could tell him just how much I missed him, but I'd hate to ruin a good conversation.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I told him, "Bye."
"Bye, Beautiful." His line closed before I had a chance to respond. I think my heart leap twenty feet when those words slipped from his lips. . .
He called me Beautiful.
Lonnie. Lonsha. Dumbass. Those were all expected. But Beautiful? Beautiful is just. . .wow. I know it used to be an everyday occurance way back when, but him calling me Beautiful now is something I didn't see happening for another year or something. When I earned his trust and love back. . .
Maybe I did do that. I don't know. Maybe in the time we've been around each other, he found it in himself to trust me again. . . or maybe I'm just overanalyzing this. It probably slipped out or something. But why now? It didn't slip out before. . .
Okay, I'm just gonna leave this alone. I don't want to make this into a huge deal when it was nothing.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Now that I'm comfortably dressed in a white tank, grey sweats, and white Forces, I'm standing in front of Justin's door, prepared to ring the bell. I don't get a chance to because it swings open and Justin is standing there with a small smile. His thin frame is covered in a pair of dark green basketball shorts and a red t-shirt. He offered me a small smile as I walked up his wide stairs and through his front door.
He brings me into his embrace quickly and kisses my cheek, once again sending my heart into a fluttering frenzy.
"I got some chicken from mama, if you're hungry," Justin informed me as he locked his door. I kicked off my sneakers and walked out of the foyer and into his living room.
"I'm good," I told him, "But do you have any iced tea or something?" Justin nodded and quickly brushed passed me. I rolled my eyes as he bumped me into the doorframe on his way, smiling all the while.
"What flavor?" Justin called from the kitchen.
"Raspberry?" I called back.
"Don't have it!"
"Peach?"
"Nope!"
"Well, what do you have?" I asked as I made my way into his kitchen.
"Just lemon," Justin said with a smile. He held out a can for me and I snatched it from his hand.
"You should've just said that, asswipe."
"Eh. . ." he dismissed, "I like to make you work."
"No, you like to work my nerves."
"And yet, you still love me."
"Do not!" I snapped back. My defensive tone caused his face to contort with confusion.
"Okay. . ." Justin mumbled, "That was crabby."
"I'm sorry," I apologized, "I don't know why I said it like that."
"It's cool," Justin shrugged and pouted, "You don't have to love me." He brought his hands to his face and whimpered. I watched as he pretended to cry and smirked at his immaturity.
"You are such a dumbass," I smiled as I pushed him playfully.
"So, not only do you not love me, but I'm a dumbass too?" Justin questioned, "How lovely."
"Exactly." I laughed as he narrowed his eyes at me.
"You are so evil," he mumbled.
"And you love it."
"Yea- no," Justin replied. I glared at him and hopped up on his island.
"Don't try to play me, dummy."
"I didn't try," Justin shot back, "It was done." I sat there silently, not having a comeback, as Justin stood across from me, leaning comfortably against his fridge with a smug ass smile across his face. For some reason, the expression on his face reminded me of a look a sex look he had. You know, the one that would spread across his face right before he pounced on me. . . Damn, I love that look.
"Yo!" I jumped when Justin's hand slapped my arm. The sting of his hit caused me to shove him back, since he somehow made his way in front of me.
"What the hell?" I whined.
"You spaced out on me, woman," Justin whined, "I was about to tell you about Cameron." Ugh, that woman.
"Sorry," I said, apologizing for the millionth time that night, "What happened?" He sighed and walked across the kitchen, sitting down at his small table. I followed his lead and sat across from him.
"Okay, so I'm gonna cut to the chase," Justin told me quickly, "At midnight, at that New Year's Eve party Cam and I went to, she kissed me."
"Okay. . ." I mumbled, trying not to envision their tongue match. . .yuck.
"It only lasted for a few seconds, ya know? And then it was over."
"Yeah?" I was confused by his expectant gaze. Was I missing something?
"It was just over, Alonsha," Justin stressed, "Just like that." He snapped his fingers for effect, but I still wasn't getting it.
"I got that part," I told him, "What I need is the problem."
"That is the problem! It was just over. The kiss came and went," Justin explained, "The thing was just. . .eh."
"Uh huh. . ." I said as if I was hit by a new revelation, "She's a bad kisser?"
"No," Justin whined, "I didn't feel anything in the kiss. There were no sparks. No type of excitement. It was just a kiss."
"Nothing?" I questioned.
"I would've felt more electricity kissing a wool blanket," Justin sighed, "I don't know what's wrong." I fought to keep the smile from forming on my face.
"So, what did Cameron say afterward?" Justin shrugged.
"Nothing. She just went on dancing and smiling," he said softly, "I guess it was just me." He looks so lost. Afraid even. But I'm happy. I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. I'm somewhat overjoyed by the news. He didn't feel anything!
But damn, he said the same thing after we kissed. . .
"Oh," I said, "That must suck."
"To say the least," Justin groaned, "But what really sucks is that I can't even be around her anymore."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because. . .I feel so guilty."
"About what?"
"About feeling so dispassionate about our relationship."
"How so?" He shrugged again.
"I just feel like Cameron and I are routined. It's like being with her has become a chore now."
"Justin. . ." I breathed in disbelief.
"I know, I know," he sighed, "I don't like feeling this way. And I really don't get it. I thought Cam and I were doing so good."
"Me too," I admitted reluntantly, "You guys haven't fought in a while."
"I know!" Justin agreed earnestly, "She's been so good to me." I subconsciously reached over the table and took hold of his hand. His eyes shifted downward and I pretended not to notice the sudden warmth that shot through my body.
"It's okay, Justin," I cooed, "Maybe this is one of those relationship phases. Things get a little boring, but something will happen to spice it up." I don't why I told him that.
"Ya think?" Justin asked, "So, this is a rough patch or something?"
"Yeah," I said, "Just a rough patch."
"I never had one of those before," Justin told me.
"Me either," I admitted, "But I read a lot about them." Justin smiled softly and shook his head.
"You are such a nerd," he teased. I groaned and smiled as I yanked my hand away.
"Fuck. You." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and I laughed, "You are foul."
"Everything's foul to you, you know that?" Justin smiled.
"Yep," I told him, "Especially your face." I chuckled to myself as he pouted.
"That doesn't even make sense," Justin complained, "How can somebody's face be foul?"
"I don't know. Look in the mirror," I shot back with another cackle. Justin tried to fight it, but he laughed out loud.
"Look at you," he whined, "Kicking me when I'm already down." I sobered up and sighed.
"Ugh, you are so sensative, man," I said, "I was just trying to get your mind off things."
"By saying my face is foul?" Justin asked rhetorically, "Well, thanks. I really appreciate it." I giggled and patted his hand.
"No problem, buddy."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"I'm Rick James, bitch!" Justin laughed to himself before turning off the television. I wiped the tears from my eyes and chuckled.
"That was hilarious," I said as I leaned back into the sofa.
"Dave Chappelle is the man." Justin leaned back as well and I rolled my head around to face him. For a moment, my eyes innocently ran over his side profile. From his small brown curls, the long lashes of his eyes, and the stubble on his chin to his adam's apple, down his t-shirt covered torso, and his knobby little knees.
You got me mesmerized
I don’t know what to do
Baby got me hypnotized
He's so damn cute and he's just picking at the lint on his shirt. I just want to lean over and kiss him. I want to make him feel everything he didn't when he kissed Cameron. . .
"Oh goodness," I blurted out as a feeling of déjà vu washes over me. This is exactly what I was doing when I first fell for Justin. We were both sitting in the living room, watching television, and having pointless conversations every now and then. My eyes wandered, just like they're doing now. My heart raced just being close to him, just like it's doing now. My mind was on overload with 'unclean' thoughts, much like it is now.
I think I’m in love with you
This is not happening again.
"What?" Justin asked suddenly, "What happened?" In the mist of his worry, he reached out and touched my arm. I stared down at his hand before looking back up at him.
"I just remembered Tiff lost her key," I lied, "I should get home and make sure she gets in."
I just can’t understand, I can’t understand
You got me lookin’ so crazy, baby
"Oh," Justin said with uncertainty, "Okay. . ." The warmth of his hand was replaced by the room's cool air the moment he pulled away and stood.
"Yeah," I mumbled quickly, "I'll call you or something."
"Sure," Justin murmured. I ignored the look of confusion that crossed his features as I stood as well. Before I knew it, I was practically jogging out to the foyer and putting my sneakers on in seconds.
You got me lookin’ so crazy right now
"Bye," I said as I turned and gave Justin a peck on the cheek. I walked off and slipped inside my car while Justin stared blankly at me the entire time. With a beep and a turn down his driveway, I was out.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Well, it's Monday, January thirty-first. Justin's big birthday bash is in full swing and I'm an hour late. I was caught up in outfit finding. Nothing in my closet or shopping bags seemed good enough, but I finally settled for some ganchos, a tank, and sandals. I decided to wear my hair down and spent even more time trying to figure out if it was a good idea or not. Then I was ready to waste another hour doing make up and picking out earrings, but Tiffany put an end to the madness by throwing silver hoops in my hands before kicking me out.
I'm seriously geeking here.
Usually, anything Justin related is simple. I'd wear some jeans, a clean shirt, and one of my many pairs of flip flops. But things have gotten so complicated in such a short period of time. I've become this. . .nerd now. I wasn't 'cool' before, but I wasn't freakin' out when a hair was out of place.
I'm good now though. I so sure of how cute I am, it's not even funny. After stressing out the way I did, I think deserve to become a cocky bastard for two seconds.
"Hey, boy," I smiled as I spotted Justin. He turned and grinned back at me. How can somebody's teeth be so straight without braces?
"What's up?" Justin asked as he hugged me. I shrugged once we pulled apart and looked over his appearance with a nod of approval.
"Nothing, but look at you." I motioned for him to give me a spin and he rolled his eyes before finally relenting, giving me a view of the total package.
"You like it?" Justin asked as he looked down at himself.
"Hell yeah." Love it, more like it. He was looking mighty fine.
"Good to know." He winked before cheesing his ass off. I laughed, trying to ignore the butterflies fluttering around in my belly.
You got me so caught up
Baby, I’m spellbound
"Who's that sexy lady?" I turned my head quickly and spotted Elisha walking over toward us. We both squealed happily as hugged.
"Where have you been?" I questioned accusingly. Elisha shrugged her shoulders and looked me up and down.
"Here and there," she said vaguely, "But it looks like you've been sexin' up while I was gone. Let me see, let me see." I found myself twirling around this time and I heard Justin chuckle in the background.
"I haven't been sexin' up," I laughed, "I always did look this good." Justin snorted and I stuck my tongue out at him.
"What are you snortin' for?" Elisha asked him with a smile, "Isn't she sexy? Don't lie. I'd do her." We both laughed and Justin shrugged.
"She's. . . okay." I quickly turned to face him, my mouth ajar.
"Okay?" I questioned, "This is okay?" I gestured toward myself and Justin laughed.
"Damn, what do you want me to say?" he asked innocently, "That you're hot or something?"
"That would help," I mumbled with a pout. He quickly rolled his eyes and sighed.
"Alright, alright. . .You look so fine," he said earnestly, "Happy now?"
"No, but that'll do," Elisha answered for me before grabbing my hand, "Let's go. I want to introduce you to the girls."
"What girls?" I asked worriedly as I was ripped away from Justin's side.
"Monica, Dani, Cameron. . ." she said, "The girls."
"Okay. . ." I sighed once Cameron came into view and just about died when she stood up and waved at me.
"Hey, Alonsha," she greeted cheerfully before having the audacity to hug me. I awkwardly patted her back and plastered a smile across her face.
"Hey," I replied quietly. She patted my shoulder and smiled at me.
"You look so beautiful," she commented, "I love your pants." My face contorted with confusion before smiled softly.
"Thanks?" She laughs like I'm a freakin' comedian before turning to a brunette beside her.
"Mon, this is Alonsha," she informed her, "Alonsha, this is Monica." We shook hands and stood there, completely out of place.
"How about some drinks?" Elisha suggested.
"Oh no, I don't drink anymore."
"Really?" Elisha asked, "Why not?"
"I just. . . don't." No need to open up the history books, right?
"Yeah, she had a few too many and went woo-hoo." I turned sharply and stared at Cameron in disbelief as she chuckled to herself.
"What is she talking about?" Monica asked with a smile.
"Nothing," I snapped, "I don't appreciate you answering my questions for me, Cameron."
"Well, I don't appreciate you drooling all over Justin, but that doesn't seem to bother you," Cameron shot back.
"What?"
"Don't what me," Cameron growled, "I'm not stupid, Alonsha."
"Sure fooled me," I mumbled.
"Okay!" Elisha broke in, "Forget drinks. Why don't we just-"
"Oh fuck you," Cameron interrupted, "I don't even know why I thought for one second that you could stay away from Justin."
"I'm the one who can't stay away from him?" I screeched, letting my anger get the best of me, "If anything, I've been avoiding his ass. Thank you very much. He's the one calling me in the middle of the night, asking if we could talk about how fucked up your relationship is."
Cameron rolled her eyes and shook her head, "Bullshit," she dismissed.
"Really?" I asked smugly, "Ask him yourself."
"I don't need to ask him anything," Cameron said, "He talks to me."
"Ha!" I laughed, rather maliciously, "Did he tell ya that spending time with you is a chore? Did he tell you that New Year's was a complete bust since he felt nothing in your mediocre kiss? Did he tell you that he might not be in love with you anymore?" I made up the last part, but seeing the pain that crossed her features was completely satisfying.
Cameron's eyes scanned the area and her face flushed with embarrassment as few people looked at her sympathically. A tear slipped down her cheek before she forcefully brushed past me. I turned to watch her stalk off and to my horror, Justin was staring back at me in disbelief.
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Justin turned his gaze away from me and began to jog after Cameron. I cleared my throat and turned to face 'the girls', only to find Elisha looking back at me with a pout. I hadn't been here for more than twenty minutes and I was already screwed.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Justin sighed to himself as he knocked on his bedroom door for the millionth time.
"Cam, please. Talk to me," he pleaded.
"Why don't you talk to me?" she asked through the door. Her tone was bitter and snuffy.
"I do talk to you," Justin said, "I'm talking to you now."
"Whatever, dude," Cameron huffed, "I'm pretty sure your bitch is downstairs waiting for you."
"Cameron. . ." Justin scolded.
"Don't 'Cameron' me, Justin," she bit back, "You have no right to be frustrated. I'm the one who's been in the dark this whole time."
"What are you talking about?" Justin sighed.
"Geez, I don't know," Cameron said sarcastically, "How about you not loving me anymore."
"I never said that," Justin argued.
"It's funny how you don't deny anything else," Cameron mumbled.
"Cameron, if I didn't love you, I'd be downstairs, getting wasted," Justin told her, "But I'm not. I'm up here trying to get you to open this damn door."
"This is just pity," Justin rolled his eyes, "I don't need your sympathy, or pity, or anything, Justin. All I'm asking for is honesty."
"I've been giving you that."
"No, you haven't," Cameron said softly, "You've been giving Alonsha that. You talk to her about everything."
"Not everything," Justin breathed, "I just. . . I don't know, Cameron. I can't help it if I talk to her. I just do."
"Can't you just talk to me too?"
"Not through a door," Justin said with a small smile, "Come out here and I'll talk to you." Cameron sighed and stood from the carpeted floor. Her hands reached for the doorknob, but she stopped before unlocking it.
"Justin, don't lie to me once I'm out there," Cameron stated firmly, "Not just now, but forever, okay?"
"Okay." The door slowly creaked open and Cameron bowed her head as she stepped out.
"First off, I'm sorry," Cameron said, "I started this argument, technically, but Alonsha blew it all up."
"Alright," Justin told her, "And I'm sorry for not talking to you."
"Okay," Cameron smiled, "Seond of all, I need you to answer this question for me. Honestly."
"Of course," Justin said confidently.
"Is any of what Alonsha said true?" Justin stared Cameron in the eyes and thought for a moment. Cameron said she wanted honesty, but Justin knew the truth would hurt her, no matter how hard she smiled. He didn't want to hurt her. He wasn't a heartbreaker. But he wasn't a liar either. . .
"No." Until today.
"Really?" Cameron asked cautiously, leaning back to get a better look of his eyes.
"Really," Justin assured, "She was just mad. Don't worry about it." Cameron let out a sigh of relief before embracing him.
"Okay," Cameron said softly, "If you say so." Justin rubbed her back and sighed into her hair. He really hated being a liar.
Song Credit(s):
"Never" - Keyshia Cole
"Mesmerized" - Faith Evans
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