Don't Know
It's morning. I don't know what time it is, but it seems like it's early. The sun isn't even up yet and the apartment is dead silent. No barking from Bosco. No Kelly Clarkson CD blaring from Tiffany's room. Just quiet.
Midnight
Lock all the doors
And turn out the lights. . .
I sniffle and sigh as I turn on my side, tossing the thousandth Kleenex I used into the small tin trashcan by my nightstand. For a brief moment, I relish in the silence, but groan the moment a fresh set of tears escape my puffy eyes.
Feels like the end of the world
This Sunday night. . .
I want to stop them - the tears. But I can't. My sadness is overpowering all the will I have to suck up the pain residing in my chest.
There's not a sound. . .
Then I hear it. Rain. The pitter-patter used to be a comforting sound, but it's depressing me even more now. I can't even get a sunny day to mourn the loss of him.
Outside the rain's coming down. . .
I feel so stupid for crying. It's just a waste of time and energy. It's not going to change the fact that he's getting married. It's not going to heal my broken heart. Hell, it hasn't even put me to sleep yet. But that's probably a good thing.
And somehow I can't seem to find
The quiet inside my mind. . .
Every time I close my eyes, I can see Justin's wedding. I can see Cameron in a beautiful white gown, smiling wide and staring into Justin's loving blue eyes. I just sit there silently, wishing I could look away, but never actually trying to. He kisses her, they run out of the church and just as he's passes by, Justin gives me this sympathetic look like he knows my heart just ripped into a million pieces and there's nothing he can do about it.
The space in this room
Has turned on me. . .
Shit, I shouldn't have thought of that again. It just made me cry even more. If that was even possible to begin with. I've been crying since Justin left my apartment earlier. However many hours ago that was, I don't know. It feels like forever, but the sound of his voice still echoes in my head.
'. . .But, hopefully, we will be.'
Hopefully. Which means he actually wants it. Wants it so bad that he hopes for it.
I can't seem to find
The quiet inside my mind. . .
I sniffle and wipe my eyes with the palm of my hand as I turn onto my back. To my surprise, small rays of light are slowly inching their way past the thick covering of clouds and across my room. The sun's rising with an orange glow and I'm relieved. My day is starting now. I'm needed at the center at nine and I'll be there for a majority of the day, making expansion plans and avoiding Justin.
Daylight is climbing the walls
Cars start and feet walk the halls. . .
My hands lazily flop over onto my nightstand and I feel around for my cell phone. I finally get a grip on the block of metal and bring it above my face. I see that it's only 5:17 before placing it back on the charger. My eyes focus on a spot on the white ceiling and I rest my hands on my stomach, waiting patiently for seven to come around, so I can escape the hell of this room and the chaos in my mind.
The world awakes and now I am safe
At least by the light of day. . .
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"Well, you look like shit," Chris commented, causing me to roll my eyes, "Rough night?"
"Rough life, more like it," I mumbled before taking a long swig of my black coffee, "So, what's the plan? Am I just winging this, or what?" Chris shook his head as he took a seat across from me. As I swiveled in my desk chair, I try to keep my eyes from shutting. Crying all night took a lot out of you. I have to remind myself to never do that again.
"There's no winging going on," he told me, "Everything's planned."
"Even my outfit?" I joked tiredly. Chris smiled.
"No, we're not that crazy," he assured, "But I can definitely suggest bringing a lot of old shirts and shorts. You're going to be doing some construction."
"Con-what?" I asked.
"Yeah, didn't Jill tell you?" he asked. I shook my head, barely remembering who this Jill character was, "That woman, I swear."
"Forget her," I dismissed, "Just tell me yourself."
"Sure," Chris sighed, "The construction is minimal labor. Just painting and maybe some furniture moving. Nothing big."
"Okay. . ." I said with uncertainty, "And how long is this minimal labor lasting?"
"About two weeks, at the most," he informed me, "Most of it has been done already."
"Good," I smiled, receiving a small chuckle from Chris, "So, anyway, back to the plan."
"Right," Chris said, "The plan is simple. On the fourteenth, you will come here and we'll take you to LAX-"
"I have a ride," I said quickly.
"To the airport?"
"Yeah, well, I think I do," I chuckled, "Is that fine?"
"Of course," Chris told me, "Just be there by seven- thirty."
"Why so early?"
"Because you have to be in Philadelphia by one," Chris explained, "Time zones and traffic, Lonnie."
"Oh," I stated dryly, "Okay, so where am I going once we get there?"
"To a small neighbor in South Philadelphia. You'll be staying in a three story home with all of the other counselors."
"Including Adam?" I asked.
"Yeah. . ." Chris cringed, "That's okay, right?" I shrugged.
"I don't know," I answered honestly, "I haven't seen or spoken to him in months."
"Well, hopefully, things will be fine, okay?"
"Sure," I sighed, "It's not like I have any other choice, right?" Chris offered me a sympathetic smile.
"I guess not." I rolled my eyes as they began to droop down tiredly. I yawned and glared at my coffee cup. Caffeine fix my ass.
"So, I'll be living in this house. . .forever?"
"Well, no," Chris said, "Finding another place will be your thing. You don't have to move out of the house though." I nodded.
"Cool," I yawned again, "So, that's basically it? Build up the center, live in a group home, and counsel kids?"
"Yeah, pretty much," Chris sighed, "I'm really sorry about the moving from here to Philly, and all that other crap."
"Chris, it's fine," I assured him, "I know if there was any other way, you'd find it."
"I really appreciate it, Alonsha."
"No problem," I told him.
"Really, you'll be missed," he said, "This doesn't leave the office, but I'll miss you too." I smiled before laughing lightly.
"Please, everybody knows I'm your favorite," I huffed jokingly.
"Everybody meaning you and the voices in your head, right?" Chris asked in a condescending manner. I nodded before laughing.
"Yeah, it's the voices, man," I said as Chris made his way over to my office door.
"Oh, I meant to tell you," he said, opening the door, "Your pay's doubling." My what is what now?
"Seriously?" I asked in disbelief.
"Yeah, I just thought you'd want to know," he smiled, "Hope that helps with moving."
"Yeah. . .yeah, it will," I told him, "Thanks."
"No problem." He pulled the door shut behind him and disappeared. I fell back into my office chair and spun idly. I had absolutely nothing to do. All my work is done and so far, I haven't gotten a drugged up-sexed up-'my world is fucked up' kid yet. . . This actually sucked. I looked forward to working today. Now what am I suppose to do to keep myself from thinking of. . .
Shit. Too late. He's already in my head, waving around that godforsaken engagement ring. He hasn't called all morning and it's now slipping past noon. Maybe he chickened out and didn't ask her. That would make my year. I doubt it though. Justin Timberlake doesn't make empty proposals. Not that I would know. He never proposed to me before.
But Cameron? This is what? Her second proposal from Justin. . . Lucky bitch.
"Miss. D!" Kimberly, the new 'receptionist' who replaced Diana (she graduated and went away to college), called as she burst into my office, smiling bright. She was a bubbly blonde whose happiness sickened me.
"Yeah?" I said softly.
"Justin Timberlake is, like, right outside waiting for you." Oh goodness, a teenybopper. . .Oh shit, Justin!?!
"Um. . .I. . .um. . ." Damn it, I can't say I'm busy. He'll probably barge right in here anyway. What am I suppose to do? I can't see him. I'll probably cry. . .
"Miss. D," Kim whined, "You can't keep him waiting." Why the fuck not?
"Yeah, he can come in," I told her as I nervously adjusted miscellaneous things on my desk. It took less than a second for her to run out of my office. I was too busy trying to breathe to even care though.
"She's right in here," I heard Kim's voice get closer, "And I'll be right out here if you need me Mr. Timberlake- Justin. No, Mr. Timberlake. Justin. Mr. Justin Timberlake." She let out a nervous laugh before she came into view. Kimberly smiled at me as Justin walked into the room.
"Hey, Lon," he greeted with a smile. I quickly plastered a grin on my face.
"Hey, Jay," I squeaked out.
"Jay?" Kimberly squealed, "Like, oh my god, Miss. D!" As annoying as that was, I can admit Kim's presence is making this a whole lot easier. She's a distraction, obviously.
"Um, Kim-" Justin began.
"Yeah?" she asked excitedly.
"Um. . .yeah," Justin cleared his throat, "Do you mind if I talk to Miss. D privately, sweetheart?" You could see Kimberly glow ten times brighter when he called her sweetheart.
"Um. . .yeah, okay!" Kimberly replied, nodding enthusiastically before quickly scurrying over to the door, "Bye!" She shut the door and, unfortunately, left me alone to fend for myself. Justin chuckled as he sat in the chair across from me.
"She's. . ."
"Abnormally giddy?" I filled in. Justin laughed.
"I was going to say cute, but either way. . ." I smiled as he laughed lightly. My eyes scanned over his form and my stomach knotted up when he licked his lips. Goodness, how could he possess so much beauty? Not just physically, but everything. . . I almost makes me cry knowing that I had all of him. That I can never have him ever again.
"Justin," I breathed out, "Will you excuse me for a moment?" I stood abruptly and hurriedly walked over to my door. I could feel the familiar prickle of tears and I felt like such a dumbass for getting so emotional just because he was in the room. I felt even dumber when I pushed open the bathroom door and ran into a brunette who seemed familiar.
"Are you okay?" she asked as I rushed over to the sink after a mumbled apology. I nodded before turning on the water and wetting my hands.
"I'm fine," I sniffled as I ran some cool water over my face.
"That's really convincing, Alonsha," she said sarcastically. Who the hell was this woman? How does she know my name?
"Do I know you?" I snapped, and regretfully so. The look of embarrassment that crossed her features caused guilt to wash over me, "I'm sorry. . ."
"No, it's okay," she assured, "You don't know me well, but we spoke once. I'm Jill."
"Oh. . ." I nodded, "You and me talked about the whole expansion thing."
"Yeah," she smiled, "I didn't really expect you to remember me or anything."
"No, it's just-" I sighed, "I have a lot going on, ya know? I'm not thinking too clearly." She nodded understandingly.
"I get it," she said, "I just hope that you feel better. Even though you're 'fine'." She laughed lightly and I smiled.
"Well, thanks, I appreciate that," I told her as I walked over to the paper towel dispenser.
"No problem," she told me, "Well, I guess I better get back to work. It was nice talking to you."
"You too," I said politely before she walked out and left me alone. I patted my face dry and threw the paper towel in the trash. After giving myself one last glance in the mirror, I made my way out of the restroom and back to my office. As I made my way in, Justin turned in his seat to see who I was. I smiled and locked the door before strolling over to my desk.
"Are you alright?" I heard Justin ask as I took a seat. I nodded.
"Yeah, I'm good," I lied, "Sorry about that."
"No problem," Justin said, "You looked sick."
"No, I'm fine," I waved him off, "Don't worry about me."
"I can't help it," Justin smiled.
"Aw," I cooed. Justin laughed and plucked a paper clip across my desk.
"Anyways, Miss. Daniels," Justin grinned, "I have some good news." My stomach dropped instantly.
"She said yes?" I asked, as if I really wanted to know.
"She sure did," Justin chuckled, "I don't think she could be any happier." My chest tightened and looked downward briefly. Is it possible to get your heart broken this many times?.
"Really?" I asked softly, "That's great. Congrats, Jay."
"Thanks," Justin smirked, "I appreciate your support, Beautiful." I nodded, unable to say anything.
"So," I mumbled, "Marriage?"
"Yep," Justin nodded, "Crazy, huh?"
"Completely insane," I agreed with a hint of bitterness in my tone.
"Well, that's what love is, right?" How would I know?
"Yeah, I guess it is," I said quickly, "So, how's the baby?" That was so weird to ask. He shouldn't have a baby. Not with Cameron, anyway.
"Good, I suppose" Justin answered, "Cameron doesn't have another check up for three weeks, but we've gone shopping for baby stuff."
"Already?" I asked in disbelief.
"Well, yeah," Justin chuckled, "We're excited."
"I can't blame you," I said.
"Besides, you know I want everything to be perfect when the baby comes," Justin said, "We're actually going to head down to this little baby place on Chestnut. Get little bibs and pjs."
"That's cool," I told him, "Have fun with that."
"We will," Justin assured, "So, how are you?" Ugh, where to began? There's so many answers to that question. Miserable. Heart broken. Confused. Sad. Angry. Jealous. In so much pain I think I'll spontaneously combust. . .
"I'm fine."
"Really?" Justin asked.
"Yeah," I said earnestly, "I'm so good it's not even funny."
"You seem tired though," Justin leaned over onto my desk and rested his cheek on his hand, "Did you sleep late last night?" I didn't sleep at all.
"No," I answered, "I'm fine, okay?"
"I don't believe you, Lon," Justin sighed, "C'mon, talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about," I smiled to make myself seem more believable. I could see Justin's eyes looking up at me thoughtfully. I hated his stare. He had that. . . thing. The thing that makes you want to crumble and admit your world is practically over.
"Okay," he said after a while, "If you say so." It was evident that he didn't believe me, but I wasn't going to mention it.
"What does your mom think?" I asked suddenly. Justin raised a brow.
"About?"
"About the marriage and the baby," I explained. I could see his face flatter as he began to sit up. He stretched and took in a deep breath.
"Well, you know. . ." He trailed off and shrugged, "She's. . . okay. . ." His discomfort was obvious.
"Justin. . ." I said firmly. He rolled his eyes and ran his hands over his face.
"She hates all of it," he admitted, "I mean hates it." I wanted to laugh and thank the Lord I wasn't the only one.
"Really?"
"Yeah. . ." Justin sighed, "She was upset about with me for having a baby outside of marriage, but she understood, ya know? So, I opted to tell her I asked Cameron to marry me, thinking it'll help lessen her disappointment, but I was. . .wow. . .I was really wrong."
"Really?" I asked again and Justin nodded.
"Oh my god, I didn't know she could scream the way she did," Justin smiled softly, "But, after an hour of 'you're making a huge mistake', she told me that it was my decision to make."
"Wow," I said simply.
"Yeah, wow," Justin agreed, "Oh, and your ass is in trouble."
"What?" I asked.
"Well, I kinda told her you were supporting this, so now she wants to kill you," he laughed. I didn't. What kind of fucked up world is this? Justin is having a baby and marrying the devil. I'm completely heart broken because of it and he has no idea. And now, this shit. How can I be in trouble for supporting something I don't even support?
"Why did you tell her that?"
"She was grilling me, Lon!" Justin whined, "I had to say something."
"Did something have to be my freakin' name?" I asked calmly.
"Yeah because I thought she'd be okay with things if you were okay with things." But I'm not okay with things. I hate things. Things suck ass.
"Whatever, man," I sighed, "You're always bringing me down, I swear." Justin chuckled.
"It's a habit, I guess," he said softly, "Anyway, I came by to chill with you for an hour, girl."
"Damn, we have time limits now?"
"Well, I promised Cameron we'd go shopping again," Justin said, "Besides, you're probably sick of me." If he only knew I could never have enough of him.
"I'm not sick of you, Justin," I told him, "Especially with less than two weeks to see your ass."
"I know," Justin offered me a sympathetic smile, "Your moving stuff is shit, Beautiful." I laughed.
"Who are you telling?" I asked rhetorically, "But at least I get to live in a three story house with all the counselors, including Adam." Justin winced.
"Wow, that's gonna be awkward." I shrugged.
"There's nothing I can really do, now is there?" He shook his head.
"Nope, but enough about this sad shit," he said, standing up and stretching again. His t-shirt hiked up and I saw the band of his boxer briefs, as well as his semi-toned abs.
"Yeah, enough," I agreed distractedly as I licked my lips. Damn, just that quick flash of his skin is making my entire body ache.
"Let's spend our hour enjoying our friendship and all it has to offer," Justin said cheerfully as he reached across my desk and offered me his hand. I hesitated, afraid of what his touch might do to me. Justin smiled awkwardly and wiggled his hand a bit, encouraging me to take it.
"Where are we going?" I asked, slowly tucking my hand into his. The warmth that flowed into my palm sent a shiver right down my spine.
"I don't know, but let's just drive around a bit."
"And waste gas?" I asked, "Boy, that shit is damn near six dollars a gallon. We have to have a destination." Justin laughed.
"It's not your money," Justin smiled, "So, relax." I was trying to think of a comeback, but Justin's tightened grip on my hand stopped me. I was trying to move my hand around so that it was cupping his perfectly. His soft, yet callous palm was ten times bigger than mine and made me feel somewhat secured. I loved it. I loved him.
"Are we seriously just gonna waste gas?" I asked as we approached his car. It was his Viper today. It's been a while since I was in this thing. And with good reason. It goes from 0 to 80 in 5.3 seconds, or something like that, and Justin has always been a fan of speed. But I'm not. This boy gives me motion sickness when he's in this thing.
"Damn, woman, we'll go somewhere, alright?" Justin chuckled as he unlocked the doors with his remote, "Geez. . ."
"Sorry," I said sarcastically, "Excuse me for trying to save you money." He chuckled again and opened the door for me. I couldn't help but smile because he has this ridiculous laugh. I know he gives me a lot of crap for my laugh, but in my opinion, his is just as bad.
"You're excused," Justin smiled at his smartass comeback. I simply rolled my eyes and pouted as he jogged over to his side of the car.
"Stop trying to play me, mofo."
"What the hell is a mofo?" Justin laughed as he finally got his ass in the car. I shrugged.
"You, I guess," I mumbled with a smile. Justin reached over and adjust his mirror.
"Then that's a compliment," he said, "So, thanks." I snorted and put on my seat belt. Justin did the same before turning on his radio. The sound of Common's "Go" blasted from his speakers and we both bobbed our heads to the beat.
"So, where to?" I asked as Justin put the car into gear.
"Um. . ." he paused and thought it over, "Can we chill at your place?" I nodded.
"Sure, but there's nothing to do." . . .But stare at him idly, wishing, in vain, that he would love me. Hold me. Lean over and kiss me. . .
"It's not about what you're doing, it's about who you're with," Justin grinned, "So, we'll have lots of fun, Lon." He wiggled his eyebrows jokingly and laughed. I giggled lightly, trying to ignore the anxious tremble in my stomach.
"How's everybody?" I asked, trying to get rid of the awkwardness that was apparently one-sided.
"Good," Justin said, his eyes still glued to the road, "Excited, really. Trace's wedding is the buzz now, so I'm second best." More like number one of the worse-possible-shit-that-could-ever-happen list.
"I can only imagine," I said, "Their wedding is June first, right?" Justin nodded.
"Yeah," he confirmed, "I've been meaning to ask if you'll be able to make it." I pouted and shook my head.
"I seriously doubt it, Jay," I told him sadly, "But I'll see what I can do."
"See, you're up and moving is really sucking ass," Justin said, "You better be at my wedding."
"Of course I'll be there," I assured. Shit, I might as well be. Who am I to miss out on hell freezing over?
"Good," Justin smiled, "And you'll be here for the party too."
"Party?" I asked, completely confused.
"The engagement party," Justin said, as though I'm supposed to know, "Didn't Cam tell you?"
"Since when does Cameron tell me stuff?" I asked.
"Since I asked her if she would this morning," Justin sighed, "She told me she would."
"Well, she didn't," I grumbled. Look, they aren't even married yet and she's lying to him. It's a sure sign to dump her ass.
"She must've forgotten," Justin excused, "No biggy." Pssh. . . HUGE biggy. She wasn't going to invite me. I just know it. But why should still be defensive? She won. He's hers. I'm no longer competition. I never was.
"I guess," I mumbled, "When is it?"
"Saturday night." I gasped and Justin laughed, "I know it's soon, but Cameron's excited."
"Apparently," I bitterly replied, "What about you?"
"What about me?" Justin questioned.
"You said Cam's excited, but what about you?" He shrugged and his bottom lip protruded.
"I'm. . . excited," Justin told me, "I could've waited a bit longer for an engagement party, but you know, whatever." I raised a brow and Justin glanced over at me, "What?"
"Nothing. . ." I breathed, biting my tongue.
"Just say it, Lon," Justin sighed, "I know what you're thinking." He had no idea what I was thinking. I was thinking Cameron was rushing this and Justin wasn't ready. I was thinking this entire situation was fucked up. I was thinking about confessing that I loved him. I was thinking that I never told Chris I was leaving. . .
"What am I thinking?" I asked, my tone challenging.
"You're thinking that I'm completely insane for marrying Cameron and that this is seriously moving too fast." Well, that was a good guess.
"No. . ." I whined before Justin shot me a look as we approached my apartment complex, "Yes. . ."
"See, I knew it," Justin stated calmly, "If you thought that, why didn't you say so?"
"Because. . ." What was I suppose to say? Because I loved you and didn't want you to get all suspicious?
"Because what?" Justin growled. His sudden change in attitude caused him to halt in the middle of the parking lot.
"I don't know!" I said in frustration. Why is he mad at me? I was being the supportive friend. I was making his life a whole lot easier by telling him what he wanted to hear.
"You should!" Justin yelled, scaring the shit out of me, "You can't just say shit to make me feel better. I need you to be honest with me."
"You were begging me to support you and I did. I was being a friend, Justin."
"Friends don't lie to each other, Alonsha. They're honest, okay? Honest!"
"You want honest?" I asked angrily.
"I think I deserve it," Justin mumbled.
"Fine," I paused to calm myself, "I think that proposing to Cameron was a huge mistake. In fact, I know it was-"
"How-"
"You're only doing it because you think it's the right move with the baby coming," I continued, "Which, by all means, is not a good reason to get married to someone. And even if you were marrying her because you wanted to, things are obviously moving too fast. For goodness sake, Justin, an engagement party this Saturday? I'm pretty sure that was Cameron's idea. . ." Justin looked away from me and gripped his steering wheel. I watched as he licked his lips slowly, seemingly digesting my words.
"It was," Justin admitted.
"See? She's rushing this like it's a race," I said gently. He doesn't respond. Instead, he's silent. Staring into oblivion.
"Is that how you feel?" he asked after a while. His voice was so light that I had to strain to hear him.
"Yes," I told him, "Honestly." He nodded and sighed.
"Okay," he said softly, "Thank you."
"You're welcome?" I said with uncertainty. I sat back in my seat and looked at him sideways. He was just sitting there, staring ahead. I was wondering what he was thinking. What he was feeling. I felt guilty. What if I hurt his feelings? Was my tone too harsh? Did I tell him everything he wasn't prepared to hear?
"I think I should take you back to the center," Justin said, pressing down on the gas pedal before I could get a chance to object.
"Are you mad?" I asked timidly. Justin didn't even flinch, "You told me to be honest, Justin."
"I know," he finally stated, "I really appreciate your honesty." His monotone made it almost impossible to know if he was being sarcastic or not. I decided not to ask. If he was angry, the last thing I wanted to do was make him even more pissed off. We drove for a few minutes, the radio playing in background. I sighed and looked over at him as he rested his arm against his window and waited from the red light to change.
I wanted to say something. Anything. But I didn't know what to say. Do I apologize? But for what? Being honest?
Damn, I hate this. We're suppose to be at my apartment, watching Lord of the Rings and talking about nothing. Doing the things that make me love him. Yet, here we are. The tension high. The silence awkward. All because of spoken and unspoken feelings. I drum my fingers on my thigh and shift in my seat a lot to keep myself preoccupied. Every once in a while I'd glance over at Justin, but he was always stone-faced and quiet.
A wave of relief came over me once he pulled up to the center. I could finally escape the awkwardness that was gnawing at my brain. But I had one problem: I didn't want to go.
It's one of those unfinished business things. I wanted to be sure we were alright. I didn't want to waste valuable time at home, wondering if I should call, when I could be spending my last two weeks with him. . .
But before I get a chance to voice my thoughts, my body climbs out of the car and Justin pulls off without so much as a beep and a wave, leaving me pouting on the curb.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Justin slowly turned up his driveway, his car wiggling from side to side as he ran over the gravel. Finding an empty spot where Cameron's car had been, he parked and took the key from the ignition. He leaned back into his seat and sighed as all of Alonsha's words replayed in his mind.
She was right. Things were rushed. Cameron seemed to be in a hurry to get hitched. And he was just wasn't ready yet. Not only for the wedding, but the marriage itself. Proposing to Cameron again had felt good at the moment. He felt like he was doing something right in his relationship. But why was it right?
Because of the baby.
He didn't want to raise a child in a broken home. He wanted his baby to have two loving parents and be practically perfect for them. Marriage was his way of doing that. Yet, it didn't feel right to him. Marriage was suppose to be about the love between two people and Justin knew he was lacking in the love department.
Not that he hated Cameron. He had love for her, lots of it. But he wasn't sure if he was in love with her anymore. A one-sided love wasn't love at all, in his opinion.
But he had already proposed. The party was this Saturday. Cameron had gone to mail out invitations. He was caught up in his guilt and commitment. His confusion and his cowardly mind.
"Ugh!" Justin groaned loudly as he slammed his door behind him, kicking off his shoes in the foyer. He placed his hands behind his head and walked around idly, trying to pace out his frustration.
Alonsha was another complication. Every time he's around her, Justin becomes numb with happiness. She was so amazing to him, but he couldn't feel that way. Not with Cameron still plaguing his mind. Not with his engagement. Not with her moving all the way across the country.
All he wanted to do was be with her every waking moment, to savor her essence before her big move to Philadelphia. But, he couldn't now. Not with their 'arguement' still fresh. Justin was pretty sure Alonsha felt as though he was angry with her. And he was at the time. She had told him everything he was afraid of hearing and so much more, but she was being honest. She was being what he wanted her to be. Yet, he managed to hold it against her.
He wondered if he should call and apologize. Make sure she knew they were fine and possibly make plans to spend time together. But when could he make plans? This week would be consumed with party plans. Next week would be all about the baby. Finding a room. Picking colors. Buying more things. How was he suppose to get away without Cameron taking notice? He knew for a fact that she'd probably cry and claim he thought Alonsha was more important than her and the baby. The whining, fighting, and dramatics was something he didn't want or need.
Another sigh fell from Justin's lips as he finally took a seat. He stared at the plasma screen across the room for what felt like forever before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his Razor cell phone. He flipped it open and dialed Alonsha's number. Her cell phone rang three times before she finally picked up.
"Hello?" Alonsha sniffled and Justin furrowed his brows. Had he made her cry?
"Are you okay?" Justin asked gently as his guilt washed over him. If he made her this unhappy, he'd hate himself for it.
"Oh, Jay," Alonsha said in surprise, "Yeah. . .um. . .I'm fine."
"Then why are you crying?" Justin questioned.
"I wasn't," she denied, "I just got all stuffy because of the dust in the library."
"What library?"
"The one at the center," Alonsha explained, "Nobody cleans back here, I swear." Justin raised a brow.
"Are you cleaning?"
"No, I was looking for a book for one of the kids. It was all the way in the back," she sniffled, "So, I had to get it and it's so dusty back here."
"Uh huh. . ."
"Yeah, so, anyway," Alonsha babbled, "What's up? I thought you were mad at me."
"No, I'm not," Justin said, "I was, but I had no right to be."
"So, we're good?" Alonsha asked.
"Yeah, we're fine," Justin assured.
"Okay, good," she said hurriedly, "Look, Jay, I've gotta go. Talk to you later, okay?"
"'Kay," Justin mumbled disappointedly.
"Bye," Alonsha said before hanging up. Justin pulled the phone away from his ear and flipped it closed. He pouted and wondered why she was in such a rush. He also wondered why he didn't believe her dust excuse.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Dust?
Out of all the things I could've sad, I made up some lame ass dust excuse. The fact of the matter is, I'm not even at the library. I'm not even at the center. I was just crying. Over him. Again. Like an idiot. Then he calls and says we're cool, which makes me happy beyond all limitations. But then I realize that he said that we're cool. Just cool. Just friends. Just platonic and not in love. . .
Which leads to the tears in my eyes right now.
I kinda thought that I'd be better off by myself. . .
This proposal has made me into an emotional mess. Now everything Justin-related saddens me. I used to just get pissed off, not speak to him for a week, and then be cool again. But now? I cry when he's in the room, not in the room, on the phone, not on the phone, and I even cry when I see happy couples because all I see is Justin living happily ever after with Cameron instead of me.
I've never been so wrong before. . .
All this shit is going to drive me out of mind. I have to learn to control myself or I'm going to turn into a blubbering mess at his engagement party. If I can't even stand the thought of Justin being engaged, how am I going to make it through a night solely focused on it? Cameron's going to running around, showing off her big ass ring and rubbing it in my face. And what can I do about it? Smile and finally acknowledge the fact that Justin's truly hers now?
You made it impossible for me to ever
Love somebody else. . .
I don't know if I can do that. I'm afraid I'll have a fit and scream out 'No! Marry me instead!' But how lame would that be? I'll just embarrass myself and end up even more heart broken when Justin tells me to leave. This is so fucked up. Everything's so fucked up. What did I do to deserve this much misery?
Oh yeah, I got on a plan to no-man's-land and left behind the perfect man.
And now I don't know what I left you for. . .
"Lonnie, you're been moping long enough," Allison said firmly as she flopped down next to me, "Speak now, or I'll kick your ass." I rolled my eyes and stretched my short legs across her lap. Somewhere between Justin dropping me off and now, I ended up on her couch, crying and silently falling apart as she rushed from the living room to the kitchen, giving me pint after pint after pint of Edy's.
"Al. . ." I whined for the thousandth time that afternoon. I didn't want to tell her, but I knew I was driving her out of her mind with worry. If she had came over to my apartment, crying with no answer to why, I'd be frustrated myself.
"Don't," she said, raising a hand to silence me, "All I want to know is why you're crying."
"Because. . ." I mumbled with a sniffle as I wiped my tear stained face, "I just. . . Justin." My incoherent sentence ended with a small whimper as a fresh set of tears began to fall again.
"It's okay," Allison cooed, giving my leg a gentle pat, "What did he do?" Nothing. He did nothing. It's me and my stupidity.
"He proposed to Cameron," I muttered, "And I actually said I supported it."
"Oh my. . ." Al breathed before falling silent. I stared down at my hands and bit my bottom lip, willing myself not to cry.
"I don't support it though," I continued, "I hate it, Al. All of it. I just can't see. . .why, ya know? I just. . . I thought he wasn't happy and I thought he'd just end things with her, and he did. But then he found out she was pregnant and things just got so com-"
"Pregnant!" Allison cried in disbelief. I simply nodded and sighed.
"Pregnant. . ." I repeated quietly, "I didn't see any of this coming."
"Shit, I don't think anyone did," Allison said, "That's something else."
"It's depressing the hell out of me," I admitted.
"Apparently," Allison tugged at my pants leg, "Care to tell me why?" It dawned on me that I haven't told Allison or Tiffany that I've become the fool that fell for Justin all over again. It was too hard to say in the beginning because I wasn't sure. But now, I know that I love him and probably always will.
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point? It's just a waste of time. . .
"It's depressing me because I love him, Al. A lot. Beyond the friendship stage. Beyond anything," I said softly, still looking downward, "I don't know exactly when I started feeling this way, but it's so strong now that I can't even try to deny it." There was a gap of silence. All I heard was the sound of cars driving by before she finally spoke.
"Wow," Allison spoke as though my news was divine. I looked up and saw a small smile playing on her lips, "Took you long enough."
"What is that suppose to mean?"
"It's suppose to mean that everybody in their right mind could've seen this coming," Allison explained, surprising the hell out of me.
"But you're the one telling Tiffany to stop with the bullshit every time she says one thing about Justin and I falling for each other.
"I guess I was in denial," she sighed, "Much like you were," she licked her lips, "Does he know?" I laughed without a hint of amusement.
"Yeah, Al," I said sarcastically, "I'm just going to walk up to Justin and say 'Hey, I'm in love with you. Just thought you should know.'"
"Okay," Allison said with annoyance, "At least tell him you don't support this engagement."
"I did," I informed, "Which mad him made, but led to that brief conversation," I gestured toward the cell phone on the coffee table, "Which led to this cry fest." I sniffled and wiped the tears from my eyes for the millionth time.
"Lon?" Al called softly, causing me to turn and look up at her, "You can't keep this from him."
"What?" I asked.
"Tell him that you love him," she pleaded, "Or you’re going to drive yourself out of your mind." I shook my head and looked away from her.
"No," I said simply.
"Alonsha-"
"No!" I shouted, "I can't just tell him, Allison! It's not that simple. There's so many-"
"That shit doesn't matter!" Allison interrupted, "Do you not see what a wreck you are?" Geez, thanks for reminding me, "You love him so much that this kills you to know he's getting married."
This is true. It does kill me. Every second that passed was a hurtful one.
"How am I suppose to tell him?" I asked softly. She shrugged and thought for a moment.
"Do what feels right." What feels right? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like walking right up to him and saying I love him with every fiber of my being. Other times I feel like. . . I don't know. I never thought of a time, a place, or the words to tell him. I never thought I'd be in this position.
But now that I am, what am I to do? Tell him before or after the engagement party? Do I say it or write it down? Do I even tell him at all? I just don't know.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
I thought time was suppose to fly when you're having fun. But I guess it goes even faster when you're trying to avoid something torturous.
Like going to an engagement party for the man you're desperately in love with.
But, here I am. Walking through the semi-crowded living room. Wishing I wore some heels to be a bit more elegant. There's nothing wrong with my strap up sandals, but still. . .
"Hey, sugar!" Lynn cooed, coming out of nowhere with open arms. I hugged her, being comforted by her warmth and scent. Her hands were suddenly on my face, squeezing my cheeks together. Her blue eyes sparkled as she stared down at me.
"How are you?" I asked as she finally released my face and grabbed my wrists, giving me the once over with a nod of approval.
"I feel as good as you look," she smiled brightly as before we both laughed.
"Well, you must feel terrible then," I joked and Lynn gave me a look.
"Oh, shush," she grinned, "You're beautiful."
"And you're gorgeous," I commented as Lynn playfully pushed up her curls and batted her eyelashes.
"I know." I laughed at her cockiness and she chuckled, "Well, I bet I know who you're looking for."
"Really?" I asked challengingly. She nodded her head before taking my hand. She led me through the living room and into the kitchen. My eyes widened slightly as Justin came into view. His curly hair was still a mess - a sexy mess, and his face was covered in light stubble. The navy blue suit he wore fit him perfectly and the gorgeous smile that was spread across his face added to his already glowing radiance.
He was so handsome.
"Justin!" Lynn called, interrupting the conversation he was having with some guy I've never seen before, "Look who's here." The moment his eyes connected with my own, my pulse quickened. I smiled nervously as his eyes quickly ran up and down my body.
"Hey, beautiful," he said sweetly. My heart jumped when he took my hands and leaned down to kiss my cheek.
I'm spoiled by your touch, boy. . .
"Hey," I replied with a small smile.
"Glad you could make it," he said sincerely.
"Why would I miss this?" I asked rhetorically. I don't know why I'm here, to be honest. It's not like Justin doesn't know I'm completely against it.
"Because you hate this," Justin laughed. I offered a sympathic smile.
"I don't hate it," I argued, "I just. . ."
"Seriously dislike it?" Justin filled in. I nodded with a smile.
"Yeah, that's it," I confirmed.
"Well, I guess we're invisible now," I heard Lynn say to the guy Justin had been talking to. He chuckled and Justin rolled his eyes playfully.
"Damn, mama," Justin complained, "You're the one who brought her over here."
"To say 'hello'," Lynn said, "Not so you two could hold hands and bond." When she said that, I finally took notice of our connected hands. I slowly slid my hands from his reluntantly and laughed.
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life. . .
"You know how Justin and I are," I told her, "Bonding is our thing."
"Exactly," Justin spoke up, "Friends bond." Lynn looked back and forth between us.
"Right," she said sarcastically, "Ya'll just be sure not to bond in front of the Mrs." She gestured toward the entrance of the kitchen and, to my horror, Cameron was standing by the door, searching for something. Her hair was somewhat wavy and fell over her bare shoulders. The light blue dress she wore caused her eyes to stand out even more as she sashayed her way over to us after finally spotting Justin.
"Hey, Lynn," she greeted cheerfully, "Damien!" She hugged the guy Justin had been talking to.
"Cameron-" Justin began to gesture toward me, but Cameron took hold of his hand.
"Babe, my mom's here," she said to him.
"Okay," Justin said, "So is Alonsha." He nodded towards me and Cameron turned and looked at me. I stared blankly at her and frowned. Not because she was glaring at me, but because she had Justin. She won.
"Oh, sorry," she apologized without a hint of sincerity, "Didn't see you there."
"That's cool," I said, waving her off, "You look nice."
"Thanks," she turned back to Justin, "She wants to talk to you." I looked over at Lynn and she rolled her eyes.
"Okay," Justin said softly, allowing her to take his hand and pull him off into the mass of people. I watched as he disappeared and sighed to myself.
I'm spoiled. . .
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
The night went on at a terribly slow speed. The sun had set and the guest had migrated out into the yard. Outside was decorated with an array of candles and the walkways were lite with flood lights. Tables had been put out and the sounds of Michael Bublé flowed through the speakers. The party was lively and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Everyone with the exception of Alonsha. For a majority of the night, Justin had seen her holding a plastic cup, filled with what he hoped was iced tea, frowning and pouting aside from the occassional polite smile. It made him wonder what the problem could've been. Maybe it was the way Cameron blatantly ignored her. Maybe it was the fact he was going along with something he knew she didn't approve of.
Justin prayed for a free moment to head over and talk to her, but every time he tried to sneak away, Cameron would appear with a new person to get to know. He had been introduced and re-introduced to every last one of Cameron's friends, some he cared to know, others he did not. Like this Tonya girl in front of him now. She was 5'9 and absolutely gorgeous. Green eyes, black hair, and a toned up body. Whenever she smiled, Justin was compelled to tell her how beautiful her teeth were. But something was wrong with her.
She constantly spoke about herself, smacked her gum, examed her nails every five seconds, and said 'oh my god' like it wasn't the most annoying phrase in the world.
"Yeah, so, Kim's like 'Oh my god, Tonya, I'm like in love with your hair!'. So I'm like 'weirdo'. I mean, really, who says that?" Cameron laughed. The fake cackle that involves covering her mouth with her hand and throwing her head back. Justin smiled awkwardly, not seeing the humor in her little tale.
"Ton, you are hilarious, I swear," Cameron commented as she hooked her arm through Justin's, "Jay and I are gonna see you later, okay?" Tonya nodded distractedly as she fixed her bangs in front of her make-up mirror. Justin sighed the moment they walked away.
"Wow, Tonya's. . ."
"Gorgeous?" Cameron filled in as Justin raised a brow, "What? Are you gay, dude? I'd hit that." Justin shook his head and smiled softly.
"No, she's gorgeous, but I think she's a little too aware of it." Cameron rolled her eyes.
"There's nothing wrong with being confident." Justin snorted.
"There's an extremely thin line between confident and conceited, Cam. And your friend has crossed it, covered it in gasoline, and set it on fire." Cameron giggled lightly and playfully slapped his arm.
"You're terrible," she told him.
"I try," Justin joked before his eyes caught sight of Alonsha through the outdoor crowd. She was sitting alone at a patio table in the back, completely isolated. He frowned, feeling somewhat guilty, seeing that he invited her here and had yet to sit and speak to her. Aside from that, she didn't know anybody. Alonsha told him nobody could make it and he promised her she'd have fun anyway. But what was going on now? She wasn't having fun, he wasn't speaking to her, and she just seemed so. . .
"Justin!" Cameron jerked Justin's arm and finally got his attention, "Just go talk to her." She dropped his arm and stalked off. Justin rolled his eyes and shook his head. He watched Cameron's retreating figure and looked back to where Alonsha sat, still staring into oblivion. He decided to talk to Alonsha, allowing Cameron time to cool off.
After strolling over to the white table, Justin slid out the chair across from Alonsha, seemingly startling her, "Sorry," he apologized with a small smile before taking a seat.
"It's cool," she assured, "It was so quiet and the chiar scared me."
"Alonsha, there's like a hundred people around you," Justin smiled, "It's far from quiet."
"It was quiet enough," Alonsha argued, "But anyways, glad to see you." Her tone was a bit irritated.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that," Justin said, "Cam and I were welcoming guests."
"It's fine," Alonsha smiled, "You're the center of this party, so I wasn't expecting you to be attached to me all day." Justin nodded, happy that she understood.
"So, why the long face then?" he asked, "Is everything okay?" He could see the hesitation and the shifting of her eyes.
"Yeah. . . everything's fine," Alonsha sighed, "I guess I'm just. . ."
"Bored?" Justin asked, leaning his elbows on the table. Alonsha smiled softly and leaned in as well.
"I guess," she admitted timidly, "It's not the party, it's just me."
"Really?" Justin questioned rhetorically, "'Cause I think it's the party," he chuckled when Alonsha laughed, "I'm bored my damn self."
"Then I guess it's the party."
"I know it's the party," Justin told her, "But, unlike you, I can't leave." Alonsha softly giggled.
"How can you diss your own party, Jay?"
"I'm just being real," Justin said, "To be honest, I didn't even want this party. Cameron planned it, for the most part, and where is she now? Somewhere upstairs, pissed at me."
Alonsha rose a brow, "Why?" Justin rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair.
"She saw me looking in your direction and freaked out," he explained, "I swear, I put a ring on her finger and it still isn't enough for her." Alonsha nodded simply, not knowing what to say.
"Maybe you should talk to her," she suggested, "I'm sure she's having a mood swing or something." Justin idly tapped his fingers along the edge of the table before looking up at Alonsha.
"Nah," he breathed, "I'm not chasing after her." The look of surprise on Alonsha's face gave Justin a weird sense of pride.
"Wow," Alonsha smiled, "Look at you. Finally getting a backbone, eh?"
"Hey!" Justin whined, "I always had a backbone."
"Sure," she agreed sarcastically, "It was just MIA for three years."
"Kiss my ass, woman."
"The nonexistant one?" Alonsha asked.
"Ha- not funny." Alonsha laughed and playfully rolled her eyes.
"Not funny, but hilarious." Justin couldn't help but laugh at the obnoxious snort that escaped Alonsha's form and caused heads to turn. He laughed even harder when she buried her face into her hands out of embarrassment.
"That's what you get!" Justin teased.
"Shut up," Alonsha laughed, "You made me snort like an idiot."
"No, you snorted because you're weird," Justin countered, "Besides, you were an idiot before the snorting." A hearty laugh came from Justin's throat when Alonsha gasped dramatically and stared at him in disbelief.
"Asshole," Alonsha laughed, "I hate you.”
“You love me.” Justin winked and blew her a kiss. Alonsha rolled her eyes and giggled.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
He really had no idea how fast my heart raced with his three simple words.
I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool. . .
‘You love me.’
I do. I wanted to tell him that. Just scream ‘You’ve got me!’ and remove the burden of this deep secret once and for all. But I stopped to think about the consquences of my actions. I stopped to visualize the look of shock that would consume his features and the pain of my heart breaking when he tells me he doesn’t feel the same way.
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you. . .
He’s talking to me. About something. Something I haven’t been paying attention because I’m so caught up in the movements of his mouth. The glow of his aura. The scent of his body. The curls of his hair. The peachy tone of his skin. I was distracted by everything that made him who he was. Caught up in the beauty that is Justin.
Don’t you know what you do to me. . .
I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself. It’s not going to do anything but make things worse. He doesn’t love me. Not the way I want him to. I know that. I really do. But my heart is too stupid to know anything. It only feels, completely oblivious to the reality of the situation.
I can’t even sleep. . .
“Lon, I know you did not space out on me,” Justin chuckled. I immediately felt a wave of panic wash over me as embarrassment knotted up my stomach.
“I was just. . .” Daydreaming about how absolutely fabulous he was? Yeah, that’ll go well.
“Spacing out on me,” Justin filled in, “It’s cool. I’m boring, I know.”
“No, I just. . . I don’t know.” I laughed and Justin smiled as he shook his head.
You got me mesmerized. . .
“Wow, why did you even try?” Justin chuckled. I shrugged and smiled innocently.
“Sorry?” I apologized with uncertainty. Justin raised his hand to silence me and sniffled.
“I don’t even want to hear it, girlfriend,” he stated flamboyantly, “This convo is officially over.” I giggled and Justin laughed despite himself.
I don’t know what to do. . .
This is what I’m talking about. Times like these I wonder how I could’ve thought for one second I didn’t love him. I just wish he could feel the same way. Tiffany says he does. Or could. Might. Something that wasn’t a ‘yes, he loves you.’ I didn’t believe her anyway. How could I when it’s so blatantly obvious that he doesn’t? He’s getting married , for goodness sake.
Baby got me hypnotized
I’m in love with you. . .
Song Credit(s):
"Quiet" - John Mayer
“Spoiled” - Joss Stone
“Sitting, Waiting, Wishing” - Jack Johnson
“Mesmerized” - Faith Evans
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