All Falls Down
It's been about a week since Justin came to me, asking if I wanted to tell him anything before he got married. After I told him no and even gave him my blessing, Tiffany's been pissed at me. Rolling her eyes, ignoring me, going as far as telling Allison she wanted a new best friend because I was 'broken and crazy'. I’ve accepted this. In fact, I've become so accustom to her sudden outbursts about how I'm ruining my life by going along with this that I've stopped crying. . . well, for the most part.
I feel stupid because I'm a logical person and I know this isn't logical, but the constant fear of complete and utter rejection has a grip on me. So, I've just smiled my way through rehearsal dinners and shopping trips with Justin and Lynn. I've stomached Justin's and Cameron's baby talks even though it burns me up inside knowing that Justin's getting all siked up for nothing and Cameron's letting him. Granted, I am too; which is why I can't figure out which of the two of us I hate more.
Despite all that, I still have to go through dinner tonight. Justin invited me over for a little get-together at his place. We'll eat and watch a couple of movies. I'll die a little bit more as him and Cameron snuggle and I'm left in the corner somewhere, staring at him longingly, wishing I was the one wrapped up in his arms instead of her. . .
"I just don't see why I should go shopping for a wedding that shouldn't even be happening." I rolled my eyes for the millionth time and began to regret my decision to invite Tiff on a shopping trip, but I was going insane sitting at home with her ignoring me and Justin running through my mind.
"Tiffany, please," I pleaded, "Just buy a dress."
"Hmph," she scoffed, "I might as well get a coat while I'm here."
"Why?" I asked, confused because this is California and it is June, for goodness sake. A hoodie would be unnecessary, let alone a coat.
"'Cause hell's definitely about to freeze over, Alonsha." Her smart ass response causes me to roll my eyes.
"Tiff-"
"No, don't," she interrupted, "You know, I really don't believe you."
"What?" Her question confused me, yet again, and I stopped my dress search to look at her.
"I mean, how could you let him marry her?" she asked, "Especially when you know he's only marrying her for the baby, which, if I'm not mistaken, doesn't even exist."
"That's not the only reason," I defended weakly, "He loves her."
She rolled her eyes, "I see that Cam's got you brainwashed too."
"Whatever."
"It's not 'whatever'," Tiffany said, "You know it's true. What other reason could there be for your lack of common sense? Oh, and stupidity considering that you are actually going along with her pregnant act."
"She has the letter," I explained, "She threatened to show him."
"She'd be doing you a favor."
"No, she wouldn't," I countered, "It could destroy the friendship Justin and I share."
"The same friendship that you value so much that you'd keep some terrible secret about his non-existant child for a woman you claim you hate? A friendship so precious that you can't even be honest with him?"
"You have no idea how hard this is for me."
"Oh, play the violins," Tiffany said coldly, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Justin's the one who deserves the pity. Two of the few people he put his trust in are keeping things from him. Big things. Life changing things."
"Well, that won't matter in a week," I responded stupidly, "He'll be married. My love won't matter."
"What about the baby, huh? Nine months from now, when Justin junior is nowhere in sight, how are you going to explain that?"
"I won't," I sighed, "That's Cameron's problem."
"Who are you and what have you done with my friend?" Her question caused pangs of guilt to ignite in my chest. I knew it was a dumb and cold-hearted thing to say. Dumb because I knew in the back of my mind that if Cameron didn't find a way to explain herself, I'd surely go down with her, and cold-hearted because. . .it is.
"I just want to get a dress, Tiff. This is not the time nor place to discuss this."
"Nice way to change the subject. Very subtle." I hated her sarcasm. "Is that what you're going to tell Justin when he asks you why you never told him that his baby didn't exist? Is that what you're going to say when he asks you why you never told him you were in love with him?"
"Why are you attacking me?" I felt myself get choked up, but I didn't allow it to show.
"Why are you being so apathetic?" she questioned, "You know this wedding is so. . . unfair!"
"Life's unfair," I quipped as I turned back to browsing.
"It wouldn't be if you'd tell him how you felt."
"Tiffany, please," I groaned in annoyance, "Just pick a fuckin' dress so we can leave." She grew silent and lazily began to shift through the racks of dresses. After ten minutes of browsing, she angrily snatched a dress from the rack and turned back to me.
"Do you even love him?" she asked, causing me to snap my head in her direction.
"Excuse me?"
"I really can't tell anymore," she continued, "If you really love him, why are you just idly standing on the sidelines while he marries. . . her?"
"Tiffany, you know how much I love him."
"You saying it and showing it are too very different things, Alonsha." She walked past me and began to browse through another rack of clothes.
"Well, what do you want me to do?" I asked, "Tell him, a week before his wedding, that I'm in love with him?"
"Yes!"
"It's not that easy."
"It is!" Tiffany argued, "You're making it so much more difficult."
"I'm not."
"You are," she shot back, "God, Alonsha, this isn't just a wedding. This is something that's going to change your life. You could lose Justin forever if you don't speak up. You have a week. One fuckin' week and instead of getting off your ass and going to his house to profess your undying love for him, you're buying a dress to support his biggest mistake."
"Ugh!" I growled, "Will you just stop?" I didn't want to hear it. The truth was just too much sometimes.
"No," Tiffany answered bluntly, "Didn't you leave because of this? Didn't you want to 'find yourself' and become more confident and willing to live life?"
"I-"
"Yes, right?" Tiffany interrupted, "If that's the case, then I guess that was a waste of three years 'cause, quite frankly, I don't see any change. You're still the same self-conscious, scared, and unwilling Alonsha you were before. In fact, I think you're ten times worst."
"I can't believe you just said that," I said so softly it was almost a whisper.
"And I can't believe you're not willing to fight for the love of your life," she told me sadly, "Do you honestly believe he'd walk down that aisle if he knew that you were in love with him?"
Without hesitation, I replied. "Yes, I do." She laughed dryly and shook her head.
"Sorry, Alonsha, but that's Cameron's line." I gasped lightly, genuinely shocked, hurt, and downright speechless as Tiffany placed her dress onto a rack where it didn't belong. The cold look thrown in my direction put me to shame as she walked around me to exit the store.
Sorry, Alonsha, but that's Cameron's line. . .
That phrase repeated in my head as I stood and stared at the spot Tiffany once occupied. As mean, cold, and terrible as that line was, the bitch had a point. It was Cameron's line. It was Cameron's wedding. It was Cameron's day. . .
But I'll be damned if she marries my Justin.
I decided not to buy a dress and drove back home haphazardly speeding down the streets of LA. Tiffany gave me the boost I needed. I was going to tell him whether Cameron wanted me to or not. I got home quickly and found it empty. I didn't expect to find Tiff there. She probably went over to Scott's to cool off. I was happy for that because as pumped up as I was to finally be getting this off my chest, I couldn't tell anyone yet. I was afraid that I'd lose my confidence if the phrase 'I'm telling him' came out of my mouth.
I took my time getting dressed. My hair was bumped, pressed, and curled. My make up was natural, yet elegant. I wore a white sundress and silver bracelets as well as the locket Justin got me a few years back when we were dating. I sprayed on the Pearberry body mist Justin loves and slipped on my white embellished ballet flats. I took a look in the mirror and was satisfied with my appearance. I gave myself a small smile and walked out of my bedroom.
As I exited the apartment building and made my way over to my Honda, my phone began to ring from the inside of my white sequined-strap bag. I dug through it and flipped my phone open once I found it.
"Hello?" I asked, forgetting to check the caller i.d.
"Hey," Justin said, "Are you on your way?" My heart jumped as I slipped inside my car.
"Yeah, I'm on my way," I told him.
"Good," he said, "It's a small crowd. Just mama, Trace, Elisha, and me and Cam, of course." I pouted.
"Okay, that sounds good."
"All right, drive safe," he said, "See ya in few."
"Okay, bye." We hung up and I tossed my phone into the passanger seat as well as my bag. I started up and reversed out of my parking spot before turning out onto the street. The drive to Justin's house was silent, aside from the music. Nobody called and I wasn't talking to myself. I felt surprisingly calm when I got up to his mansion and walked towards his door. Lynn welcomed me in and Trace greeted me as I came through the living room. Lynn was still by my side as we entered the kitchen and found Elisha, Cameron, Justin and some Hispanic looking dude I've never seen before engaged in some conversation.
"Look who's here!" Lynn announced and I chuckled lightly. Justin looked over his shoulder and smiled widely as he walked over and hugged me. I embraced him and we swayed back and forth before he pulled away.
"You look. . . nice," he commented. Nice wasn't the best adjective in the world, but his smile made up for that.
"Thank you," I said, "You look good yourself."
"Well, you know how I do." I laughed lightly and waved him off.
"Elisha!" I squealed before she ran over to me.
"Hey, Lon!" she greeted with as much enthusiasm. That's what I loved about this girl. We were nowhere near as close as Justin and I were, but she was just cool people. We always had a good conversation no matter the situation and she made me feel welcome all the time.
"Alonsha," Cameron cut in suddenly, causing both Elisha and I to quiet down and look at her. My look was more of a glare, but whatever. "This is Josh. Josh, Alonsha." The man I've never seen before was now in front of me, extending his hand. I shook it and he smiled at me.
"Nice to meet you," he told me gruffly and I smiled.
"Nice to meet you."
"See, they're getting along already." I looked over at Cameron suspciously as I let go of Josh's hand. Justin cleared his throat and raised his brows as he spoke.
"Joshua's a new producer," he informed me, "He's helping Tim with beats for my album."
"More like watching him work and throwing in a few ideas," Joshua said modestly, "I'm just a rookie."
"Well, I can't wait to hear what ya'll got so far," I told him.
"Yeah. . .The beats are so dope, Ma." Ma? Right. . .
"I'm sure," I told him as I looked over at Justin. He was conviently looking at his watch and making me feel even more uneasy. Something about this whole thing felt. . . off.
"Why don't ya'll go grab a seat?" Justin said, "The food's almost ready." Elisha, Cameron, and Josh growled collectively and dragged themselves out of the kitchen. I looked at Justin the moment the door closed and narrowed my eyes.
"You didn't tell me about Josh."
"I didn't know about Josh," he smiled awkwardly, "I hung up with you and the doorbell rang. There he was, telling me Cam invited him over."
"For what?" I asked, confused. He shrugged innocently.
"Me don't know." He chuckled lightly and I sighed with a small smile.
"Whatever. I'm hungry." I left the kitchen and saw that the only two seats available were next to Cameron and next to Josh. I sat down to the right of Joshua and Cameron smiled. I didn't trust that bitch with a sock, but I couldn't focus on that. I needed to figure out a way to get Justin alone so I could tell him.
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I wasn't able to find the time though. Throughout dinner, Cameron had Justin locked at her side, and tried to get Josh and I to do everything together. For instance, Lynn would stand to clear the table, Cameron would insist she'd do it instead. Everybody, of course, told her no and Josh would offer to do it instead. Cameron would then come up with the brilliant idea that I should help. She ran that same game for getting dessert. For cleaning up afterward. For washing and drying dishes. Even for running out to the movie rental place.
I about had it when everybody was sitting in the living area, spread across the room watching 'A Lot Like Love'. Josh had taken the liberty of sitting next to me on the floor and I shifted uncomfortably. He didn't seem to taken notice because he was so engrossed in the film. I took the opportunity to annouce that I would get popcorn and Cameron stood as well, saying she was thristy. Justin didn't argue with her this time because she assured him she was fine.
As we entered the kitchen, I turned to Cameron immediately as she opened up the fridge's door.
"Okay, what the hell is up with Josh?" I questioned. She smiled.
"Isn't he cute?" she squealed as if we were old friends. The thought of that made me sick.
"No," I answered curtly. She frowned and shrugged.
"Well, he seemed good for you." My face contorted in confusion.
"What?"
"I thought you'd be lonely by yourself and all the couples would make it worst. . ." I gasped. Oh no she didn't. "Look, I'm just trying to get your love life jump started again." I don't know why I didn't just choke the bitch right there. How dare she try to hook me up with some mofo?
You think you know
What everyone needs. . .
"I appreciate it," I said sarcastically, "But I'm about to jump start my own love life." Cameron walked over to the island after grabbing a glass out of Justin's cabinet. She began to pour herself some orange juice as she nodded.
"Really?" she asked, "With who?" I wanted to tell her 'with Justin', but I wasn't even sure we would work.
You're always there to point out my mistakes
And shove them in my face. . .
"None of yours," I answered.
"So much anger," she giggled. I was ready to show her some anger.
"Cameron, this shit ends here." She sipped her juice and placed it back down on the counter top.
"What shit?"
"Your bullshit," I told her, "These lies."
"Alonsha, please," she dismissed, "I thought we already had this discussion. If you say something to him, I'll put your letter on display."
It's like I'm the one you love to hate
But not today. . .
"Go ahead," I told her nonchalantly, "You'll be doing me a favor."
So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it. . .
"What?" she asked in disbelief. I firmly stood my ground, placing my hands on hips.
"Tell him, show him, print it in a tabloid," I told her, "As of now, I don't give a fuck. I'm telling him about your non-existant child tonight, Cameron." She studied me for a moment, to see if I was bluffing, I presume. I didn't flinch underneath her stare and her face softened.
“You don’t understand,” she said, “I had this all planned out."
"What plan could you have?" I asked, "Justin's only marrying you for the baby. Eight months from now, when there's no kid in sight, he'll leave you."
"I was going to have a miscarriage,” she revealed, causing my eyes to practically pop out of my head.
“What?” Was the bitch insane?
“I fall, the kid’s gone,” she stated simply, as if it were nothing.
“You expect me to let you make Justin believe he lost his first child?”
“I have no other choice,” she told me, “You said it yourself, how else am I going to explain myself eight months from now?”
You think you're special
But I know and I know and I know and we know
That you're not. . .
“You would rather see Justin suffer through something like that than own up to your shit?”
“I would rather have Justin then nothing at all.”
“You’re crazy,” I informed her, “Well, crazier than I thought you were.”
“I’m just. . .” she trailed off, “I love him.”
“Then be honest with him,” I said, trying to give the bitch a chance just so the Lord would know I tried.
“I can’t do that.”
“I can,” I countered, “I’m telling him.”
"You can't," she said, "We're getting married in a week."
"You were getting married," I corrected pointedly, "After Justin finds out, there's no way in hell he's marrying you." I turned from her and began to walk toward the kitchen door before I felt Cameron's grip on my arm.
"No, you can't do this," she told me, "I won't let you."
"Fuck you!" I spat out, yanking my arm away from her hold.
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way. . .
I started to walk away from her, but Cameron's hand came around my neck and reached for my locket, ripping the heart-shaped pendent away for the chain.
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me. . .
My hand nostalgically ran over my empty chain before I turned around. Cameron was breathing heavily and I glanced down at her hand as she allowed my locket's charm to slip from her fingers and onto the floor. It took everything in me not to kill her in that very moment.
"I'm still telling him," I stated defiantely as I walked over to where she stood. Cameron backed up defensively, but I simply bent over and grabbed my pendent from the ground.
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down. . .
Before I could stand up straight, Cameron gripped my hair and pulled my head back. I immediately elbowed her in the chest and she released me with a gasp. I began to rub the back of my head, the part where she pulled, when she regained her composure and slapped me across the face. My cheek burned as I narrowed my eyes on her.
So much for self-control.
I'm through with you
Don't care what you say or do
I'm through with you. . .
I grabbed her arm and swung down to the floor in one quick move that even impressed me. I didn't take time to gloat because I had already slapped her four or five times since she hit the ground. Cameron let out some animalistic cry and I hit her again, trying to quiet her down. It had dawned on me that Justin and his family were sitting in the other room the moment she did that.
Cameron's hand came out of nowhere and palmed my face, pushing me off of her. I fell against the floor with a thump and Cameron tried to pounce on top of me. I rolled out of the way and she landed on the floor, face first.
"My nose!" she groaned as she pushed herself off of the ground and knelt on the tile floor. I looked at the spot where she landed and saw drops of blood. Had I given two shits about the bitch, I would've felt bad.
"What's going on?" I looked up and saw Justin running towards Cameron. Lynn, Trace, Elisha, and Josh trailed behind and took in the scene before them.
"She-" I started to explain, only to be interrupted.
"Are you okay?" Justin asked her as I stood and dusted myself off. He bent down to her level and pulled her hand from her face. Lynn took in her bloody nose and ran over to the sink to retrieve a wet paper towel.
"You were fighting her?" Elisha asked in disbelief.
"Isn't she pregnant?" Josh chimed in.
"Alonsha, what is wrong with you?" Justin asked, taking the paper towel from Lynn, "God, she's pregnant!"
"No, she's not!" I exclaimed, causing all eyes to land on me, even Cameron's wide ones.
“What did you just say?” Justin asked me.
“She’s not pregnant,” I repeated, “She’s been lying to you this whole time.” Everything went silent, aside from the sound of the water running from the sink Lynn left open as she rushed to aid Cameron.
“Is this true?” Justin asked Cameron quietly, his blue eyes searching hers. She was quiet for a long time, probably debating on lying or telling the truth.
“I’m sorry,” she sputtered finally, “I didn’t. . . I didn’t know how-”
"What?" Justin asked angrily, his eyes cutting into Cameron, “You didn’t know what?”
"She's in love with you!" Cameron shouted out childishly as she pointed at me. My heart jumped because that was completely unexpected.
"What?” Justin asked again, now looking at me.
“I was going to tell you. . . eventually,” I told him sheepishly, “But she was going to make up this whole miscarriage thing.”
“Miscarriage?” Lynn asked.
“I. . .” Cameron stuttered, “It was a miscarriage.”
“Liar,” I said pointedly, “The lab mixed your results up with another’s patient’s.”
“You’re not pregnant?” Justin asked as if he missed the entire ordeal in front of him. When she didn’t say anything he turned back to me. “And you knew about this?”
“Only for a week or two. . .” I told him, “I was going to tell you, but she kept holding how felt about you over my head.”
“I asked you if there was anything you wanted to tell me before I got married.”
“I know. . .” I said sadly, “And I’m sorry.”
“Don’t even give me that,” he brushed off, “I gave you a chance to tell me how you felt and about Cameron’s. . . pregnancy and you didn’t. You looked me right in the eyes and lied to me.” I could feel the tears welling up my eyes and looked away from his gaze shamefully, my guilt consuming me.
“And you,” he said to Cameron, “I put a ring on your finger. I was going to marry you and you still couldn’t tell me you weren’t pregnant?”
“I didn’t want to lose you.” Justin shook his head sniffled.
“You just did,” he said, “The wedding’s off.” My eyes shifted toward him when he said that. I thought that I’d be happy to hear it, but my sadness only deepened.
“Justin-” Cameron called, only to be interrupted.
“And whatever. . . relationship I had with the two of you is gone,” he announced, “I don’t know who either of you are right now and it makes me sick to even think that you two could do this to me. Especially you.” His sad eyes focused on me momentarily before he looked away. He brushed past everybody as he exited the kitchen and I stared at him as he pushed past me. I wanted to say something. Anything that could stop him from walking away, but nothing came out.
“I think it’s best if y'all go,” Lynn said firmly. I looked over at her and she stared right at me. “I am very disappointed in the both of y’all.” Somehow I felt it was just me, but I didn’t speak. I took my walk of shame out of the kitchen, getting sympathetic and angry looks from Elisha and Trace. Josh had just stared, looking uncomfortable.
I could hear Cameron sobbing as she trailed behind me. I grabbed my purse from the small table in the corner of the foyer and opened up the door. I was preparing to walk through when Cameron abrasively pushed me out of the way and walked quickly to her car. I rolled my eyes and shut the door behind me. I had done it so many times before, but I felt a chill run through me. Like I knew that I would never see the other side of it again.
I trailed over to my car, feeling my shoulders were more weighed down than ever before. I drove home thinking that I shouldn’t have said anything. I only did speak up to try and salvage my frienship with Justin, but I had lost him anyway. If I had let him marry Cameron, I would’ve been wishing I had said something, but at least I would’ve had Justin, even if I was just his friend.
I knew I did the right thing though. He had a right to know about his baby. About my love. About our lies. He deserved my honesty as well as Cameron's. Even though things seemed bad right now, terrible's more like it, I know that the good will come along. . . eventually.
Song Credit(s):
"Shut Up"- Simple Plan
"So Sick of You"- The Unseen
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