Worn Down
He'll come around eventually. . .
I repeated that to myself the whole way home that night, but as soon as I got inside of the apartment, I ran into Tiffany's arms and cried like child. I tried to explain myself, but she couldn't understand me through my sobs. I was upset because I lost him. He hated me and I loved him. It didn't matter. My love just didn't matter.
Now, almost two months later with no word from Justin, I'm convinced that he won't come around. I called him every other day for three weeks straight. I even came over once only to discover he wasn't home. Well, he didn't answer anyway.
Despite the fact that I had a hole in my heart the size of Texas, I carried on like nothing had happened. The world didn't stop because I felt so guilty and lonley sometimes that I had to drag myself, or be dragged by Tiffany, out of bed and out my door. If anything, it seemed to move faster.
Every day I say a prayer that things would go back to that day Cameron told me she wasn't pregnant. I wanted to do the logical thing and tell Justin everything instead of being the scared, unwilling Alonsha I hate and keep it bottled up inside. I know that will never happen; no matter how much I cry or beg or pray. I just have to accept the fact that my foolish behavior cost me one of the most important persons in my life. And I do. I just find it extremely hard to leave things the way they are. To not be able to tell Justin just how much I love him and how sorry I am that I hurt him. Broke his heart. Betrayed him. And all for a woman I can't even stand.
"Alonsha, I got us some Edy's if you're interested," Allison said, waltzing into my apartment with Tiffany trailing behind her, groceries held up in both their hands. I smiled softly as I stood and took two bags from each of their holds and followed them into the kitchen.
"And I rented every Orlando Bloom movie out there," Tiff added cheerfully.
"Nice," I commented, "Thanks." This was my pity party folks. Ice cream and Orlando. My two bestest friends in the entire world by my side and my sweet Bosco panting at my feet. As sad as it was to see them taking time out of their lives to offer me a slice of their sympathy, I couldn't be more grateful. I've been drowning myself at work with unnecessary tasks just to avoid the silence of my home. I never realized just how much I spoke to Justin until he stopped calling and how much of my free time was spent with him until the whole incident occurred.
"So. . ." Allison began, "Do you want to work your way up through the Trilogy and then down to Elizabethtown?" I nodded as I placed the pints of Edy's onto the kitchen counter. I stopped and stared at the Butter Pecan flavor one resting beside the chocolate and sighed. I promised Justin that I would replace the one I ate during the Adam aftermath. I never did.
"I miss him," I breathed out suddenly as I felt my eyes tear up and blur my vision of the Butter Pecan. I felt Tiffany's hand rub up and down my back as she cooed.
"I know, honey," she told me sweetly, "But things like this take time." Allison joined her back rubbing as well.
"Justin loves you, Lonnie," she said, "I have no doubt in my mind that he misses you as much as you miss him. He's stubborn and sensitive. He'll heal and then set his pride aside to ask you to work on the friendship you both want and need."
As loving and as carefully choosen as their words were, I couldn't seem to find the comfort in them. Something in the pit of my stomach told me Justin was writing Cry Me A River: Part Two and was planning on completely detaching himself from me. The thought scared the hell out of me and caused me to shiver.
"I know," I lied as I finally wiped my eyes and put down the Edy's, "I just. . . I don't even know." They nodded and pulled away from me. Tiffany was the first to smile and break through the silence.
"How about less talk and more Orlando?" she suggested grabbing the bag of movies off the counter she placed it on while gesturing for Allison to get the food.
"Are you ready for the troll scene?" Ally asked excitedly. I smiled weakly.
"Sure," I told her. Anything to get my mind off of him.
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He tossed. He turned. He tossed again. No matter how many positions he'd lay in, Justin could never find one comfortable enough to sleep with. This was an ongoing problem for him. Something that had developed about two months ago; right after he was betrayed by the two women that supposedly loved him.
He flopped onto his back and stared up at his tall, white ceiling with a heavy sigh. When had all this happened? When did he go from carefree and content to halfway out of his mind? The night replayed over and over again and never seemed to get old. He felt like he had been in a movie, smack dab in the middle of the most dramatic scene. His fiancee lied about being pregnant and one of his best friends kept it a secret along with her love for him. The tabloids would have a field day if this leaked out.
Sex. Lies. Secrets: The Timberlake Love Triangle. An US Weekly Exclusive!
The thought of it made his stomach churn. Almost as much as the knowing that he could trust nobody. Cameron and him weren't in paradise, that's for sure and, honestly, he knew that if she hadn't been pregnant, that ring wouldn't have touched her finger, but did that give her a right to lie? To be willing to carry out some terrible 'miscarriage' just to salvage whatever relationship they had?
Justin flipped onto his stomach and tucked his arm underneath his pillow to support his head better. He was desperately trying to push out all the negative thoughts when she suddenly popped into his head, causing another sigh to fall from his mouth.
Alonsha Claire Daniels.
She loves me. . . he thought to himself for the millionth time since she confessed. That news hadn't really registered until he had marched out of the kitchen that night. Something in him wanted to turn back around and ask her to say it again just so he could be sure he hadn't lost his mind. He, of course, continued to stubbornly march up to his room and slam his door shut instead.
But what did that mean? Did he love her too? Yes. Was it the way she wanted him to? Maybe. He didn't know how to answer that question without feeling hurt or ashamed. Hurt because how could they love each other and yet she'd play him the way she did and ashamed because how could he love someone when he was suppose to love another?
Justin had never had the problem of being aware of his feelings and having them for one woman and one woman alone, but Alonsha came along and changed that. She made him feel so comfortable in a crazy world and put him at ease until she became part of the reason behind his chaotic life.
She had lied to him for two weeks straight. She hadn't verbally lied. She lied in silence when him and Cameron discussed baby names. She lied in nods when he showed her the extra accessories he set up in the nursery. She lied in reassuring smiles when he told he was nervous about becoming a father. She let him look like a fool without even flinching. She was suppose to love him. She was his best friend.
Cameron had done a great deal of betrayal, but somewhere in the back of his mind, Justin was not surprised. His history with women all shared the ending of his heart breaking, but Alonsha was supposed to be different. She wasn't suppose to cause him pain.
Why? he wanted to ask her. Why lie?
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I don't know.
I honestly have no idea why I lied. I should've just been honest and let whatever happens, happen. But, no. I have to be difficult and cause everything to fall apart.
I didn't mean to do it. Honestly, I thought it was for the best. Everything I did had good intentions that backfired. Writing that love letter was my biggest mistake, but can I really call it that? Did expressing how I felt so freely really make me the person in the wrong? Of course not. Cameron was the one who blackmailed me, but I was the one who chose to go along with it just because I was afraid of Justin's rejection.
It was a stupid, immature way to go about things, but when it comes to the matter of my heart and Justin, my logic seems to run off into no-man's land and leave me to fend for myself.
I wasn't that way with Kyle or Adam though. At times I was self-conscious, but I don't think if I were in the very same situation with them that I would have acted the same way. It's Justin that seems to make me lose my mind and my confidence when I need them the most. By no means am I holding him responsible; he's done nothing but be himself, but that's enough for me to lose some sense of mine.
Justin is my weakness and also my strength. I'm afraid to be with him, but I can't live without him. I can't picture him loving anybody but me, yet I can't seem to find a reason why he should love me at all. Our friendship means the world to me, but his love is something completely profound. I place him on a pedastal, but, then again, he's just Justin.
When it comes to him, it's all a contradiction. I love it and hate it all the same. I ran away for three whole years to rebuild myself. I did. I was happy, but, with Justin, everything's the same. I'm self-conscious. I'm constantly double guessing myself. I'm not logically thinking, or, in some cases, I'm not thinking at all.
I'm still trying to figure out if that's a bad or good thing.
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Justin sat on the far end of his living room sofa and stared at Cameron as she stared back at him. The silence was deafening as they twiddled their thumbs and shifted on the couch because of the tension. He was beginning to regret calling her down to talk, especially since he had no idea what to say or how to say it. Cameron, on the other hand, was relieved to hear his voice after so long. She had called three times a day, every day, waiting anxiously for a call back.
"You look good," Cameron commented with a small smile, "I love that blue on you." Justin glanced down at his blue and white stripped shirt and sighed.
"Cameron-"
"I'm sorry," she blurted out suddenly.
"I know," Justin told her softly, "That's not what I want to hear."
"Well, what do you want me to say?" she asked, her eyes wide as she stared back at him expectantly.
"I want you to tell me why," he said, running his hands over his torn jeans, "That's all I want to know." Cameron shrugged slowly and shook her head with a loss for words.
"I don't know. . ." she whispered, feeling her tears well up in her eyes, "I just. . . I was scared."
"Of what?" he asked, "You didn't do anything. It wasn't your fault. I would've understood that."
"You would've left me," Cameron corrected. Justin shook his head and looked away from her.
"You don't know that," he argued.
"Yes, I do," she stated firmly.
"Cameron, that's what I'm talking about," Justin huffed, "You automatically assume that I was going to leave you. We had two years worth of a friendship and a relationship underneath us and you still didn't have enough faith in me to know I would stay."
"What friendship? What relationship?" Cameron asked, "We were fuck buddies, Justin. All we did was kiss, or have sex, or go shopping every once in a while. We weren't a couple. You didn't love me. It took me a whole year before I got any type of real emotion from you."
"We made a decision to be who we were," Justin said, "Our romantic relationship took time to build, I'll admit that, but I thought we had a decent friendship. I thought all those talks and dates meant that we had something."
"It did," Cameron said, "But it's not like your relationship with Alonsha. It wasn't stable like that."
"Stable?" Justin laughed dryly, "Where were you when she was lying to my face for weeks? What kind of stable friendship has secrets like that?"
"But aside from that," Cameron said, "What about all the laughter and dates there? What about you telling her about your Nana before you even thought about mentioning it to me? What about you hanging out with her behind my back and sneaking into bed in the middle of the night?" Justin's eyebrows rose as he remembered the night he slipped inside the house to find Cameron asleep and an empty wine glass.
"I thought you were asleep."
"Well, I wasn't," Cameron pouted, "But I didn't mention it because I figured that since this friendship meant so much to you that I could try and support it. Even if it is going on behind my back." Justin felt the guilt rising in his stomach and tried to push it down.
"That's beside the point," he said, "This is about you keeping this pregnancy, well, false pregnancy, behind my back."
"Like I said, you would've left me if you knew I wasn't pregnant," Cameron told him, "The baby was the only reason why you wanted to marry me in the first place. It was just something you felt you had to do, not something you wanted to do."
"How could you think something like that?" Justin asked. Even though it was somewhat true, he still felt insulted that she could think so lowly of him.
"Because that's what it was," Cameron said, "Are you trying to tell me that I'm wrong? Are you seriously going to sit here and say that you wanted to marry me?" Justin didn't speak. He couldn't stand to have another lie floating around. Cameron looked over his face and laughed dryly. "That's what I thought," she mumbled.
"I don't want to lie to you," Justin told her, "I don't want to hurt you." Cameron shook her head and wiped her eyes.
"I'm already hurt," she said, "And you've already lied to me, Justin."
"What-"
"I'm not stupid," she interrupted, "Blonde, but not stupid."
"Cameron. . ." Justin breathed, but didn't say anything after that. They stared at each other momentarily. Before silence could consume them, Cameron began to giggle to herself before falling into full blown laughter. Justin watched as her eyes teared up again, but he could tell they weren't of joy.
"I cannot believe that I-" She laughed again, "God, I'm an idiot."
"What?" Justin asked, completely confused.
"You kissed her, didn't you?"
"What?" he asked again.
"In her letter," Cameron explained, "She kept going on and on about not regretting what happened in Philly and I just put two and two together."
"I- we didn't kiss," Justin said. Cameron gave him a disbelieving look.
"Oh my god, are you kidding me?" she asked, "And you call me a liar."
"I'm not lying," he said defensively before pausing. "We. . . came close."
"What's close?"
"We were about to but I pulled away."
"Right," she said sarcastically, "You just pulled away."
"I did."
"You know what?" Cameron said, "I've dealt with a lot when it came to Alonsha. I've watched you check her out from every angle imaginable. I forgave you for kissing her because you were so upset over your grandmother. I looked the other way when you stayed out late or claimed you were alone when I just knew you were with her and what did I ask for in return? Nothing. All I wanted was for you to love me and you couldn't even give me that."
"I do love you," Justin said. Cameron shook her head with sad eyes.
"Not the way I want you to." Justin knew she was right. The mere fact that he didn't even get the urge to argue her statement proved that.
"So, that's why you really lied?" he questioned, "To hurt me by making me believe my first child died?"
"No!" she denied earnestly, "God, Justin, I could never hurt you intentionally."
"I don't understand," Justin said, "If you knew all that shit. If I hurt you so many times. . . why would you lie just to keep me and not hurt me?"
"Same reason why we're sitting here," Cameron said, "Love." Justin furrowed his brows.
Gone, she's gone
How do you feel about it. . .
"Cameron, this isn't-"
"Not love with me," Cameron smiled weakly, "I'm talking about Alonsha."
"This has nothing to do with her," Justin assured, "I just thought we should discuss this."
"This is about her," Cameron said, "And you're right, we should discuss this."
"I'm not here to argue with you, Cameron."
"Then don't," she told him simply, "Save us that trouble by being honest."
"About what?"
"About Alonsha."
"Cameron."
"Admit it," she demanded, "Just admit it."
That's what I thought
You're real torn up about it. . .
"What?" Justin rolled his eyes, "What are you talking about?"
"I've watched you look at her. I see it in your eyes," Cameron licked her drying lips, "I watched you love her. I'm watching you love her now."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"I know exactly what I'm talking about," Cameron snapped, "Why do you think I was so sure you'd leave me? Why do you think I hate her?!"
"Because you're crazy!" Justin shouted out, not knowing what else to do, but attack her.
"Yes, I'm crazy," Cameron said, "I'm crazy for thinking for one second that you and her were just friends. I'm crazy for loving you and fighting for you when I knew that it would amount to nothing in the end."
"Nothing?" Justin asked, "Me marrying you would've been nothing?" Cameron ran her hands through her choppy hair and looked away from him.
"I want to tell you that it would've been everything to me, but it wouldn't," she said quietly, "It wouldn't have been marriage. It would've been torture to the both of us. A one-sided love isn't love at all." She paused. "I. . . I wanted to marry you. I really did. I still do, I guess. But I wouldn't be marrying you. I would be marry the guy who does the right thing. The father who wants what he thinks is best for the child, not himself."
"I wanted us to work," Justin said, "I really tried. . . I-"
"It's okay," Cameron cooed, "You can't make yourself love someone. It just has to happen. People fall out of love all the time. I guess you just fell before I did."
And I wish you the best
But I could do without it. . .
"I'm sorry. . . For hurting you." Cameron waved him off.
"Justin, I'm the sorry one. I let myself become so desperate that I was willing to fake a miscarriage. If I were you, I wouldn't even be standing within twenty feet of me."
"I feel guilty," Justin told her.
"Why?" Cameron asked, staring at him expectantly. Justin licked his lips and looked down at her lap. "Just say it."
"I don't know how."
"'I love her' would work," Cameron said.
"That's not what I'm guilty about."
"You should be."
Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told. . .
"Why should I feel guilty about something I don't even feel?" Cameron groaned and stood from his sofa.
"Why can't you just say it?!"
"There's nothing to say!" Justin shouted back as he stood.
"You are some kind of. . . I don't even know! You're impossible. All this drama and you still have the nerve to stand here and deny how you feel."
"You don't know how I feel."
"Oh, please," Cameron dismissed, "Everybody knows how you feel. I bet your mother was doing cartwheels when you broke up with me."
"Leave her out of this."
"Why?" Cameron asked, "She's been a huge part in this. Nudging you over to Alonsha's side."
She's so pretty; she's so damn right
But I'm so tired of thinking
About her tonight. . .
"She did no such thing!" Justin defended.
"Oh, so mama Lynn was just rootin' for me and you, huh?"
"Why should she?" Justin asked, "Look at us!"
"It's your fault!"
"My fault?"
"Yes, you made us who we are. You pushed me to this point, Justin."
Worn me down to my knees. . .
"Oh, that's mature, Cameron. Point the finger."
"If you had loved me just a third of the way you loved Alonsha-"
"What is wrong with you?"
"Nothing! Nothing was wrong with me until you came along with Miss. Daniels and started rubbing your love in my face. Making me self-conscious and jealous. I was never like this."
I did everything to please. . .
"Don't you try to pin your flaws on me."
"Oh, woe is the mighty Justin Timberlake who can do no wrong, right?"
"I'm not blaming anyone for my mistakes," Justin said, "You're the one who can't admit that she had issues way before me."
And you're wrong, you're wrong
I'm not overreacting. . .
"I had issues, Mister Cry Me a fuckin' River?"
"Once again, Cameron, real mature."
"Mature, mature, mature! What the hell do you know about mature?" Cameron asked rhetorcially, "You're the one who isn't man enough to admit you're in love with someone."
"I know enough to know that you're the complete opposite of it."
"Oh, way to avoid the issue, Justin."
Something is off. . .
"There is no issue."
"Just admit it!" Cameron yelled, "For the love of God, just say that you love her!"
You can't stop thinking about her
No, you can't stop thinking about her. . .
"I have nothing to say to you," Justin told her.
"Is it that hard?" she asked, "I'll say it with you. I love you, Alonsha. Alonsha, I love you. . ."
"That's not even funny," Justin stated firmly.
"Who's laughin'?"
"I'm done," he said. "Get out."
"Admit it and I will," Cameron told him.
"I have nothing to-"
"Admit it!"
"Cam-"
"Admit it!"
"Will you-"
"Admit-"
"Fine! Fine! You want me to say it? Then fine!" Justin paused to catch his breath and Cameron quieted, her chest still heaving. "I love her, damn it! Okay? Are you happy now?" Cameron stared at him, her anger diminishing as her vision blurred with her heated tears.
"No," she replied, "But thank you. Thank you for finally just. . . saying it." Justin fell back onto his sofa and rested his head back against it.
"You just don't quit." Cameron stared down at him from where she stood.
"How long?"
"What?"
"How long have you loved her?" she clarified. Justin looked over at her and shrugged.
"Forever?" Cameron frowned. "I did love you at a time, Cameron. When she was gone, I forgot our love for a moment, but when she came back home. . . I knew it was there. That she was the one who always had my heart." A tear rolled down her cheek and Cameron whipped it away quickly.
"So, that's it," she said, "This is it." She grabbed her purse from the spot where she had left it on his coffee table and fixed her hair. Justin stood and walked up to her, keeping a reasonable distance apart.
"I'm sorry."
"Please," Cameron dismissed, "I don't want a pity apology. You're not sorry. How could you be sorry for loving somebody?"
"I'm sorry for stringing you along this whole time," Justin said, "You deserved my honesty."
"And you deserved mine," Cameron said, "I'm sorry about lying about the baby." Justin nodded.
"I don't know if I can honestly say I forgive you yet," he told her, "But I can promise you I'll try to get to that point as soon as possible." Cameron nodded.
"And I promise that I'll get over you," she said softly, giving him a weak smile.
"I'm not worth these tears," he whispered, whipping her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.
"Believe me, you're worth every one," she assured. Cameron reached up and cupped his wrists, removing his hands from her face before tucking her palms into his.
"I guess this is the goodbye?" Justin asked. Cameron reached up and brushed his stubble covered jaw.
"More like see ya later." They chuckled lightly before silence filled the room. Justin cleared his throat and gave her hands a squeeze.
"I hope that you find happiness," Justin said, "I know that you will." Cameron sniffled and nodded.
"I hope your happiness last forever," Cameron told him, "Even though it won't be shared with me." Justin smiled down at her.
"Thank you." She nodded and leaned forward. Justin embraced her in his arms and squeezed her tightly for a moment before she pulled away.
"Keep her this time," Cameron giggled, "Make it worth everything that's happened."
"I will," Justin assured. Cameron stood on the tips on her toes and kissed his cheek. She sighed and looked over him one last time before turning away, still radiant and walking confidently forward until she disappeared into his foyer. Justin continued to stand and stare until he heard his front door open and shut; the sound resounding through his home.
He let out the breath he had been holding and his heavy heart still carried some guilt, but felt relieved. Formally breaking things off with Cameron had been hard, but making up things with Alonsha was his biggest concern.
Make it worth everything that's happened. . . he repeated to himself before smiling softly. She was already worth it.
Song Credit(s):
"Worn Me Down"- Rachel Yamagata
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