My Decision
“Justin?” I stared at him like a dear in headlights as he subconsciously tucked his hands inside of his pockets.
“Hey,” he greeted simply, as though it was no big deal that he was standing at my door after two months of complete and utter silence. I look him up and down quickly and can’t help but think he’s absolutely gorgeous. His hair is that short, curly style that reminded me of his Justified days. His face is clean shaven, his wannabe Big Foot beard completely gone. He’s wearing dressy casual attire like he has some place to go. A button up and some slacks with a tweed jacket that's fitted on him comfortably, shaping his broad shoulders and slender build. His feet are, of course, clad in a pair of classic Nike Airs that I’ve never seen before. He’s accented by a fancy, wide-faced watch of diamonds and a chain around his neck.
“You look good,” I said before I thought over my words and Justin blushed, making me get some weird sense of pride for making him do so.
“Thank you,” he told me sincerely, “You look good too.” I would’ve normally snorted and shrugged him off because I look like crap in my plain, pink robe and Happy Bunny slippers with no make up and my hair out and, thank goodness, slightly tamed, but he didn’t even flinch. There wasn’t a hint of a playful smile or sarcasm in his voice. He was actually serious which made me love him even more.
“Thanks,” I mumbled shyly. We continued to stand there in the open doorway, neither of us making a move or staring directly into each other’s eyes. It wasn’t until Mr. Marques came out into the hall and told me I was letting my cool air out that I remembered to invite Justin inside. As I locked the door behind us, I heard Justin take in a deep breath. I turned to find him smiling softly at the pleasant fragrance.
“It smells like lavander,” he commented.
“Oh, I was about to take a bath,” I said, “I lit a couple of candles and the scent got around, I guess.”
“I’m sorry for interrupting,” he apologized, “I should’ve called first.”
“No, don’t apologize,” I told him, “The bath can definitely wait.”
“Okay,” he said, nodding slightly, before silence engulfed us. There was so much I wanted to say after our two month separation. So many apologies and questions I wanted answered, but nothing came to mind and I knew nothing would come out if I attempted to talk anyway. I didn't necessarily mind the silence. I was just afraid that if there was nothing said, he'd simply walk right back out that door and I'd never seen him again until God knows when.
“So. . .” I said, finally finding some of my voice.
“It’s been a while,” Justin stated as he finally caught my eyes and held them with his, “I’m sorry that it’s been this long.”
“Me too,” I said, “But, hey, better late than never.” He nodded in agreement.
“I’ve honestly missed you,” he told me softly and my heart jumped for joy.
“I’ve missed you too.” Justin smiled softly and his eyes lit up with mine. I felt like a child beneath his stare. I wanted to look down at my feet and smile shyly just because he was in my presence.
“I wanted. . . I wanted to talk to you,” Justin stuttered, “It’s important.” Worry washed over me before I timidly replied.
“Okay. . .” He gestured toward the couch.
“You might want to sit down for this.” That didn’t seem like a good thing, but I sat down anyway.
“So, what’s this about?” I asked anxiously as Justin took a seat beside me, keeping us a reasonable distance apart.
“A lot of things,” Justin answered vaguely.
“Like what?”
"Well, I don't know where to start," he said, "But the beginning seems like a good spot." I nodded my head. "Okay. . . Let's talk about you leaving four years ago."
"Let's," I encouraged even though I wasn't so sure I wanted to.
"Well, for starters, you hurt me." I thought I had accepted that fact, but hearing him say it again still made that guilt rise in the pit of my stomach.
"I know," I said softly, "And I apologize."
"Don't," Justin told me, "You had to do it for yourself. Granted, I didn't exactly love the fact that you did it behind back, but the ends justified the means."
"You hated me for it." Justin shook his head.
"Alonsha, no," he denied, "I could never hate you." He said it with such passion that I almost believed him.
"You flipped me off when I came back home," I reminded. Justin made a sour face as the memory seemed to replay in his mind.
"I was angry," he admitted, "I hated what you did to me, not you as a person."
"It felt like you hated me," I said.
"I'm sure it did," Justin said, "But I didn't hate you." I looked into his eyes for a second and came to the decision that he was being honest about what he was feeling.
"Okay," I breathed, "So, you didn't hate me. . . You hated what I did."
"I forgave you for what you did too," Justin informed me, "But, to be completely honest, I wish you didn't leave."
"Me too," I said, "But I wasn't happy."
"I understand that," Justin smiled awkwardly, "But every day that you were gone, I blamed myself for losing you."
"It wasn't about you," I reminded for what felt like the millionth time.
"I know that now, but then, all I could do was think 'You can never keep a woman satisfied.'"
"You have to be kiddin' me," I told him, "You treated me so well that I couldn't figure out why I deserved you."
"I guess I can take that as some type of compliment, but, Lon, I hope you now know just how wonderful you were and still are." And just like that I was flattered to the point of speechlessness. "Alonsha?"
"Yes?" I responded as I found my voice. Justin paused and looked down at his hands.
"Do you remember when I kissed you after Nana passed?"
"Yes. . ." I don't think I could ever forget that moment.
"Do you remember how you said it was some psychological thing?" I was tempted to roll my eyes at my lame ass explanation.
"Yes."
"You do know that that was complete and utter crap now, don't you?"
"Really?" That was news to me. I had made up that lie to make myself feel better about kissing him back. I didn't think it applied to the both of us.
"I kissed you because I wanted to," Justin confessed, making me sit up straighter, "I was just too afraid to admit it to myself."
"Oh. . ." What was I suppose to say to that?
"I don't know if it was just me, but when I kissed you. . ." He paused as if he were choosing his words carefully, "When I kissed you, I. . . I felt like the world stopped and it was just you and me."
"Wow. . ." I breathed, not fully understand how I could make him feel all of that from one kiss.
"I'm sorry if that was too much," Justin said, smiling shyly, "I just don't know how else to describe it."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked gently. Justin shrugged.
"I didn't want to be that guy to Cameron," he admitted, "I didn't want to be that guy who cheated."
"So. . . You just shrugged all of that off?"
"No, I just kept it to myself," he said, "I thought that if I ignored what I was feeling, it would go away." My stomach knotted up as the simple question of 'Did it?' popped into my head. Justin cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “When you first told me about the baby and keeping it a secret, I couldn't believe that you, of all people, would do that to me." I was a bit caught off guard by the abrupt change of subject, but I nodded my head in understanding.
"I wasn't trying to hurt you, Jay. I was just scared. . ."
"I know," Justin said gently, "But I wish you didn't do it. I'm not trying to pin this all on you and I'm not trying to say Cameron wasn't the main one, but, with my history with women, it didn't come as a real shock to me that Cameron did what she did. Every woman I've ever loved has found some way to hurt me, so I halfway expected the drama, you know? It was kinda like it was just a matter of time.”
As he spoke, I couldn't help but think that that's a terrible way to love. To expect someone to hurt you is no way to live.
"That's depressing," I mumbled. Justin chuckled lightly.
"I guess it is. . ." He sighed and twiddled his thumbs. "You're different though, Alonsha. You're suppose to be the one who's there for me after the drama, you know?"
"I'm your friend?" I asked, already feeling my heart tighten in sadness.
"You're one of my best friends," he said, "I put so much trust in you. I gave so much of myself to you."
"And I pretty much failed you, huh?" I asked. Justin looked down at the floor and thought over my question for a moment before trying to find his words.
"I was disappointed in you," he explained, "I knew you were the bigger person during the entire situation and I know you put up with a lot of Cameron's crap before she finally got under your skin. I expected you to stay the stronger of the two of you. The most loyal and honest. I expected you to care about me more."
"Justin, I do care about you," I said earnestly, "I just. . . I let my fear of rejection get the best of me. But I lost you anyway, so I should've just been honest."
"You should've," Justin agreed, "But you didn't."
"I know. . ."
"But I should've been honest to," Justin said, "I can't sit here and act like the innocent one. I definitely had my fair share of dishonesty."
"What? The whole kiss thing?" I asked.
"That's part of it."
"What's the other part?" He grew uncomfortably quiet and I couldn't quite understand why he could no longer look me in the eye. My stomach churned and I felt goosebumps form across my skin as I waited for a response.
"I spoke to Cameron earlier," he said, repeating the news I already heard from her, "I guess I have to tell you the same thing that I told her." I thought that I was going to die in that very moment.
Justin was going to break all ties with me just like he did with Cameron. Had I really done something that bad? Did he really not love me so much that he couldn't even remain friends? Did I just scare him with all my stupid love?
I wanted to cover my ears with my hands and claim I couldn't hear him while singing 'lalalalala. . .' but I simply replied, "Okay," instead and waited for the crushing blow.
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Justin shifted in his spot on the couch so that his body was tilted in her direction. He could see the curiousity in her bright eyes as well as the nervousness crossing her features. The air of the room turned into something more serious than he would've liked and his loss of words was making it worse. Justin couldn't believe that this moment had finally arrived. All the times that he spent longing for her. All the dreams he had of kissing her. All the hours he spent driving around in his car, trying to formulate the right words to tell her what he was feeling. It all came down to this.
There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard. . .
"I wanted to say that. . . that I'm sorry for not being honest with you," he said, beginning his long awaited speech with an apology. "I owed both you and Cameron my honesty and I denied it to you both. For a while, I even denied it to myself. . . I was so afraid that I was wrong. That I was being the guy I never wanted to be. That I was betraying Cameron in a way that I'm suffered through so many times before." Alonsha looked confused by his words, but nodded her head as she followed along.
"Okay. . ." she said, "But what exactly are you apologizing for? What weren't you honest about?"
"Do you remember when we first met?" Justin asked, as though he had not heard her question just seconds before. Alonsha smiled awkwardly and nodded again.
"Of course I do."
"Do you know how nervous I was when I first saw you?" Justin asked again, this time rhetorically, "I couldn't even speak. . ."
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart. . .
"I don't understand. . ." Alonsha said, genuinely lost.
"I didn't understand why I was so nervous either," Justin told her, "But something in me knew that me and you would be something. Anything. Friends. Lovers. Whatever. Just. . . something amazing, you know?"
"You're babblin'."
"I'm nervous."
"Why?"
"Because. . ." Justin trailed off and paused. "That's just what you do to me. You make me nervous. You drive me crazy. I mean, you have screwed me over before. I have screwed you over before. You left me. You lied about my baby. You let me propose to Cameron-"
"That proposal was all you," Alonsha argued.
"But you didn't oppose. You didn't fight for me," Justin said, "But that's okay because you loved me enough to watch me marry someone else because you just wanted me to be happy, even if it wasn't with you. And that honestly amazes me. That just shows how beautiful you are. How caring and true you are. That just makes me think. . . 'How could I ever deny that I love this woman? This intelligent, caring human being that has loved me and embraced me through all these years.'"
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?. . .
"What?" Alonsha breathed.
"Alonsha," Justin spoke softly, "I love you. I loved you since I first laid eyes on you. I loved you when you were here. I loved you when you were gone. I love you now and I will love you for the rest of my life, if you let me."
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together. . .
"Are you serious?" Alonsha asked with a nervous laugh.
"Of course I'm serious," Justin smiled, "Why wouldn't I be serious?"
"I don't know. . ." Alonsha sighed, "I thought you were gonna leave me. . ."
"What?"
"It's just that. . . Cameron said you broke up with her and I just thought that. . . I don't know. . ."
"Cameron?" Justin asked. "When did you speak to Cameron?"
"She just came by ealier to apologize. . ." Alonsha explained quickly, "But that's not important. You love me!" They both laughed at her excitement before Justin gently took her hand in his.
"You ran away for three years and I couldn't even hold a conversation with you because of all the pain I felt. We get past that and there's drama with Cameron. I almost marry her and you almost moved across the country. . . but look at us. Despite all of that, look where we've ended up."
"I know. . ." Alonsha breathed, "God, I love you so much." Justin gave her hand a squeeze before taking his free hand and cupping her soft face in his palm.
"Alonsha?" His eyes met hers in a longing gaze before falling to her full lips. He didn't even need to ask because she had given her answer as she leaned forward and pressed her mouth on his in a chaste kiss. The kiss was light and brief, only lasting for a few seconds before they pulled apart. It had not been a fierce and saultry kiss. It had not been forceful or needy. It was a loving kiss that held a passion all its own. They smiled at each other in a hazy state of mind that neither of them could nor cared to explain. They were in love and that's all that mattered.
Yeah, it's always better when we're together. . .
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I stood at the foot of the bed and watched as he watched me. His eyes were dark and caring. His hands were warm as they caressed my cheek while the other rested on the back of my neck, gently pulling me towards his mouth. His lips tasted like a bittersweet mixture of salt and sugar. His warm tongue felt like silk against my own. My body tingled with just his kiss and I felt like it was my first all over again.
Baby, I’ve made me decision. . .
When we pulled apart for air, my lungs breathed deep as my hands rested on his chest. I could feel him breathe against my palm as my hands slid up his chest and over his collar bones before my fingers inched over to the buttons of his baby blue dress shirt. I looked at the buttons as I slowly unclasped them, revealing more and more of the white undershirt he wore beneath.
It’s you. . .
Justin's impatience got the best of him when he gripped my hips and squeezed the material of my robe in his hands. I smiled softly and slid the button up down his arms. He released my hips long enough to toss the shirt to the side. My hands rested at the hem of the t-shirt he wore and pulled it upward until he pulled it completely over his head. My hands roamed his bare chest and I shivered from the heat that radiated from his body as I slid my hands down to his belt.
You’re the one. . .
I unbuckled it a lot faster than intended, but I had grown impatient within the first few seconds of this undressing game also, but I still didn't want to rush this. I wanted this to last all night, even if it meant torturing myself by moving slower. By ignoring every urge that I had to just undo my robe and jump his bones right where I stood.
Baby, Baby,
I’m excited
That you’re here. . .
"Alonsha," Justin practically groaned I gently kissed his navel as I slowly slid his pants down his legs, "Baby, I can't. . ." I stood up quickly and reached out to gently rub my hands down his arms. It took everything in me to look him in the eyes as he stood before me in just his black boxer briefs and white ankles socks.
"You can't what?" I asked gently.
"I know you want this to be all. . . slow and gentle and romantic, but. . ." He sighed and I smiled softly.
I want you,
I want you. . .
I gently ran my thumb against his lips to silence him before I slowly undid the belt that held my robe closed. I shivered when the air of the room hit my warm skin the moment the robe fell from my shoulders, leaving me with nothing to hide behind. I could see Justin try to hold my gaze, but his eyes ran over my body in a nostalgically before darkening in such a way that I felt as sexy as I did self-conscious.
You’re invited,
Into me. . .
As I crawled to the center of my bed, Justin continued to stand. I felt him watching the movements of my body as I crawled like a prowless across the sheets. I laid down, propped my back against pillows and stared at him expectantly. He licked his lips before he quickly bent over and yanked off his socks. I almost laughed at his excitement, but the moment he crept onto the bed and crawled toward me, all the humor was gone. He moved so smoothly and slowly that I was almost intimidated by his presence as he slipped between my legs and rested his hands on either side of my hips.
Take it slowly,
But take it baby,
Take me. . .
The moment his lips kissed my belly button, I thought I was done. It had been a long time since I've experienced the joy of making love. It's been too long since I've made love with someone who held my heart in the palm of his hands.
I’ve come to my realization,
I’m ready. . .
His kisses left a wet trail up my stomach and my chest before his mouth took hold of my right breast and worked its magic. I moaned and shivered and he moved along to the left. My body ached for him and my soul craved his.
Full compromise,
It’s cool with me. . .
It didn't take long for his lips to caress my own in such a passion that the beat of my heart resounded in my chest. The feel of his skin against my own and the softness of his curls between my fingers was almost too much to handle, but I took it all and appreciated every inch of me and him that was kissed, licked, and nibbled on as the time moved on.
Baby, Baby,
I’m on fire.
Your caress,
Takes me higher. . .
When Justin slowly tucked himself inside of me, inch by inch, my mind was flying off elsewhere and my body was in a place I've decided was Heaven. Our bodies turned to one and it was the most beautiful, spirit-filling joys I've ever gotten a chance to experience. And it's only him that could've given it to me.
I can’t control it,
Can’t keep quiet,
And I don’t want to,
Make me louder. . .
I was happy that Tiffany was not there. I was glad Bosco had fallen asleep and Justin had locked the door. I was thankful that our kisses were muffling our moans and groans and screams and shrieks because I knew that I had lost all sense of where I was and could care less about the neighbors or my dog or my roomate in that moment because the world had disappeared and we were in euphoria, our bodies tangled and heated to the point of no return.
You.
I want you,
I want you
I want you
I want you. . .
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I woke up the next morning with a smile on my face and an arm around my waist. The sun was shining brighter than ever before and I sighed a breath of content. This was true happiness. Waking up in the arms of your best friend and lover. Knowing that after all the shit, you two were still there. This was love. He was love. And most importantly, he was mine.
"Good mornin', Sexy." I chuckled lightly as I turned around to face him. He was lying on his side and staring at me with bright eyes and a small, tired smile.
"Good mornin', baby," I cooed as he shifted lower on the bed until we were face to face. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply before brushing his nose against my own.
"I must be high because I feel so. . . light." I giggled and reached up to run my thumb over his ear.
"Light, huh?" I asked. He nodded with his eyes still closed and smirked.
"I feel like. . . like I'm havin' an orgasm." I burst out laughing and Justin chuckled. "I'm serious though. I feel all. . . tingly and shit. It feels good."
"Well, I guess it would," I yawned.
"You guess?" Justin asked, comically opening one of his eyes. "You know it feels good."
"Not really," I smiled, "I haven't had an orgasm in a while."
"What?" he asked in disbelief as he sat up quickly, "This morning is a while?"
"This morning?" I asked, freigning innocence, "I must've missed that one."
"What about the million and one times last night?" Justin baggered on, "I mean, c'mon, the neighbors know you had a couple of 'em with all the noise we were makin'." I laughed and pulled him back down to the bed, snuggling up on his chest comfortably as I wrapped my arm around his small waist.
"Shut up," I chuckled, "I was just jokin'. Damn."
"Shit, I know," Justin said with a smile in his voice, "I might be gettin' old, but I can still work it, girl."
"First of all, you're not gettin' old," I impugned, "And secondly, could you get any cockier?"
"I could, but I don't think you could handle all of that." It took me a minute to get his joke, but when I did, I gave him a playful smack on his side and laughed.
"You are so damn foul."
"And you love it."
"I have no choice."
"And why is that?" Justin asked and I know exactly what he wants to hear.
"Because, despite the fact that I'm smart enough to know better, I love your dumbass."
"Damn, why I do I have to be a dumbass?" I shrugged.
"I ask myself that question every day." Justin moved from under me and caused my head to flop onto the spot he once I occupied. I laughed as he pouted and crossed his arms over his chest.
"You're so evil." I rolled my eyes at his comment, but laughed any way.
"Baby?" I called, but he stayed silent. I playfully sucked my teeth and sat up. "Fine, forget you." I gathered some of the sheet we were sharing and covered my chest. Justin reached over and tugged it off of me. He wrapped it around his skinny self and jumped from the bed.
"Who's the dumbass now?" he taunted as I grabbed my pillow and covered myself.
"You are," I replied smartly. He narrowed his eyes at me.
"You know what?" he asked rhetorically as he took a step toward me. "Give me that!" He yanked the pillow from me and held it over his head.
"Gimme!" I whined. Justin shook his head and dangled it in front of me.
"Gimme got shot and didn't recover," he stated childishly, "So come and get it!" I jumped from the bed and he screamed like a girl as he ran around my room and jumped over my bed as I chased him around. We laughed like a bunch of five year olds as I took hold of the blanket wrapped around him.
"I gotcha!" I said before he simply fell from the blanket completely naked and made a beeline for the door. When he swung it open, Tiffany stood on the other side. They both screamed and she covered up her eyes as he sheilded himself.
"Oh my god! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Tiffany laughed as she peaked out the corner of her eye. Justin backed up quickly and slammed the door shut in her face. Justin turned and looked at me in shock. I fell into a fit of giggles as he locked the door and laughed at himself.
"Don't laugh at me," he whined with a huge smile, "That shit wasn't funny."
"You're right," I said, sobering up, "It was hilarious." He gave me a look and I burst out laughing again.
"You know what?" he asked through my laughter, "You and your little perverted roomate can go to hell."
"Aw," I laughed, "Tiffany didn't do anything."
"Fine, just you then." He tried to fight off his laugh, but failed miserably.
"Okay," I smiled, "But save me a seat?" He looked at me through the corners of his eyes as he continued to grin.
"You know it."
Song Credit(s):
"Better Together" - Jack Johnson
"I Want You" - Floetry
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey, thanks so much for reading! (Or re-reading). I really appreciate the reviews I've gotten. The Lonnielake series is my baby, my first Nsync fiction story =] I have another installment well on it's way, so patience, my dears and thank you again. I read every comment and loved every word. =]
Completed
Timberlake is the author of 27 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 10 members. Members who liked Love & Forgiveness also liked 411 other stories.
This story is part of the series, The Lonnielake Series. The previous story in the series is Love & Trust.
This story is a favorite of 10 members. Members who liked Love & Forgiveness also liked 411 other stories.
This story is part of the series, The Lonnielake Series. The previous story in the series is Love & Trust.
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