The Vacation
"You got a little something on your lip."
Silence.
"Want me to get it for you?"
Silence.
"Are you dead or alive?"
Silence.
Okay, so maybe she wasn't over it. Maybe three weeks of giving her father the silent treatment just wasn't enough for her. Maybe she needs a day or two. Maybe a year or five. Whichever time she needed, it would feel like an eternity would have to pass before she looks me in the eyes and smiles again.
"Is it good?" I asked as I gestured toward her dinner plate, despite the fact that she was looking down at her food and not at me. "I sure hope so. I really put my foot in it, so I don't mind the grass." I smiled and waited for even a flicker of joy to pass her face, but my joke seemed to never hit her ears. My millionth joke since the incident and still nothing. That was painful considering Josie was the type of kid to laugh at a falling leaf.
"Can I be excused?" she asked quietly and I sighed.
"You've barely ate a thing on your plate," I commented as I looked over her half eaten chicken and poked at green beans.
"I'm not hungry."
"You haven't been hungry in a while," I said sadly, "Is your tummy okay?"
"My tummy's fine," she mumbled, "I guess the grass from your foot is making it taste funny." There was absolutely no humor in her statement as she stood and placed her plate in the sink.
"I didn't excuse you," I said, trying to hold onto my parental control.
"You didn't do a lot of things," she shot back, crossing her arms over her chest and looking away from me with her nose in the air.
"Watch your tone, Josephine," I stated firmly, "You can be angry all you want, but I'm still your father and you still have to respect me."
"Whatever," she whispered.
"What?" I asked, "What did you just say?"
"Nothing," she answered. "Can I just go to my room?"
"Yes, you can," I said, "And stay there until you find a better attitude." She rolled her eyes and jogged up the back stairs. I breathed deeply and closed my eyes, trying to figure out what to do. I wanted conversation, not a fight, but I guess I couldn't get what I wanted this time, or any other time I've attempted conversation with Josie over the last few weeks.
It seems to be a trend because I can't seem to get a conversation out of Melanie either. Whenever I call, she never seems to answer and since everything went down, Josephine hasn't even spoken Ashley's name. All this because I wanted to remember what if felt like to have someone wrapped up in my arms again in the most romantic sense I could ever fathom. Even though everything has been shot to hell because of it, I can't help but smile at the memory and enjoy the flutter of butterflies in the pit of my stomach as I remember the gentle and shy touches we had and the little giggles Mel shared with me through the night.
It wasn't some animalistic, sexual foreplay, it was just. . . play. Carefree, light-hearted play between two adults who shared a feeling of curiousity and attraction - both physical and intellectual attraction. How could I regret something so innocent? Yet, I do find myself feeling guilty. Is guilt and regret the same? Does one come before the other? Can they work separately or is denial a way of keeping the other out of a person's view for a while before it finally strikes them?
I don't even know anymore. All I know is that when Josie spends more time in her room staring at her walls than talking to me, I feel guilty. When I lay down in bed at night and look over to the side Kia once occupied, I feel guilty. When I look down at the wedding band on my figure and twist it around, wondering if it was time to take it off and start over again, I feel guilty.
When is it ever right to move on? To forget the one you loved to love someone else? Is that even possible? Is it fair to love Kia more than I could ever love Melanie? Would it be fair to love Melanie more than I loved Kia? I know I'm way ahead of myself with the love business, but am I really? Love has no time setting. I could wake up tomorrow and swear it up and down that I'm in love with Melanie. What do I do then?
"Oh, I'm sorry I'm late." My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of JC trudging into the kitchen with two bags of groceries. I glanced over at him as he placed them on the counter and watched as he made his way over to Josie's seat. "She gonna finish this?" I picked up my fork and shrugged.
"I don't know, but I doubt it," I said, "I've got some more-"
"This is good," JC said after already stuffing a piece of chicken into his mouth.
"That has kid germs all over it, dude," I laughed when he waved me off.
"We're family, man," he spoke through a mouth full, "We don't have germs." I rolled my eyes at his ridiculous theory before eating some green beans.
"Thanks for coming over," I said after swallowing, "I think I would go crazy if I spend another night in this house."
"It's all good, man," JC assured, "I know she's being stubborn, but you can't blame the girl. She learned from the best." I smiled to myself.
"Yeah, well, my stubborness is one trait I wish she never got from me."
"She was lucky enough to dodge your looks, so you can be thankful for that." I shoved him playfully and chuckled.
"I officially hate your ass."
"Love you too, brother."
"Uh huh," I mumbled, "What's in the bag?"
"Junk food," he answered, “Ice cream, chocolate, popcorn, and all that other crap. She’ll be on a sugar-high all weekend.”
"That's comforting," I said sarcastically, generously pouring the rest of my food onto his practically empty plate, "But seriously, thank you. I want her to be in a better mood by the time I'm back." JC nodded with a mouth full of chicken.
"She will be doing cartwheels when you come home," he said confidently, "I guaran-darn-tee it." I smiled and nodded, just as sure as he was that she would be.
"Well, I can't argue with that, now can I?"
"Nope," he smirked, "But you can definitely do me a favor while you're gone."
"Which is?"
"Which is. . ." he trailed off, making me raise a brow.
"What?"
"Promise me this, okay?"
"Depends. . ." Now I was worried. He seemed a little too serious.
"Just promise me, okay?"
"JC, what is wrong with you?"
"Ugh," he groaned, "Promise, will you?!"
"Okay, man. I promise," I sighed, "What is it?"
"Get laid on vacation." I wrinkled my face with confusion and disgust before pushing him.
"You are such an ass."
"No, I'm serious."
"I know and that's what's the sad part."
"No," he argued once again, "The sad part is that you haven't been getting any. I think it'll help you relax. You know. . . loosen you up."
"So. . . what? I'm suppose to grab the closest hooker and bump 'n grind?" I asked rhetorically, "If you've forgotten, I've got a daughter and some self-respect. I'm not doing that shit anymore."
"Fine, fine. . ." JC mumbled, "But consider Mel. Do that Timberlake charm thing on her and-"
"Timberlake charm?" I asked, "Do you know how old I am? My charm is out the window."
"It is not," JC scoffed, "You're plenty hot." I gave him a sideways look and he cleared his throat. "You knew what I meant. . .but that was still kinda awkward."
"To say the least," I said, "But thanks, I guess."
"Yeah. . . well. . . look, all I'm saying is that this woman likes you and you like her. As long as she's down for it, I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is that I can't even literally sleep with her without Josie freaking out. How do you expect her to accept the sex?"
"Have you ever tried not telling her every aspect of your love life?"
"Yes, but she reads my mind, man," I told him as he rolled his eyes and laughed, "I'm serious! She has that women's intuition down pact."
"She's a kid."
"No, she's a grown ass woman in disguise. I'm telling you, I can't get anything past her."
"Then learn to put your foot down." He turned in his chair to face me. "Look her in the eyes and say that even though you promised, your feelings have changed. Say that you love her and that you want her happy, but you want to be happy too. Let her know that Melanie is not taking Kia's place, but just. . . helping you heal. Helping you get past things and let go. Tell Josie it's okay that you're moving on."
Even though JC said Josie, I felt that he was directing that speak to the both of us. Trying to comfort me with my decision to try again as well as give advice about the Josie situation. He was always good at killing two birds with one stone.
"I'll try it," I said, "But I don't know, man. . ."
"I'll talk to her too, okay?" JC told me more than asked, "I'll throw indirect comments about the problem and try to egg something out of her."
"Alright. . ."
"Alright!" JC said more cheerfully as he patted my back firmly. "Now, you go 'head and shower. Mike's getting you in like a half-hour, right? Have you packed yet?"
"Yes, mother," I mocked, "I'm packed and ready to go. I already showered before dinner and Mike is getting me in a half-hour."
"Just making sure. . ." he said sheepishly, "Enjoy Virgina. Lots of good views and a gorgeous ocean."
"Yeah, I guess." I stood from the table before JC could start his 'cheer up' speech. "I'm going to talk to Josie before I go." He nodded as I headed up the stairs at a jogging pace. I trailed up the hall and straight towards Josie's room. The door was shut and there was no light coming from the crack beneath the door, so I knocked. When I got no response, I tried the knob. The door opened accordingly and I stepped inside.
Huddled in a ball in the center of her bed, fast asleep. I had the smile at the scene. Her Hello KItty blankets were tossed to the side of her bed and she was still dressed in her denium overalls and white t-shirt. Her hair was a sprawled across her pillow and she was hugging something to her chest. I figured it was just a nameless toy I had gotten her, but when I moved closer to her bed, I saw it was a picture frame.
Careful not to wake her, I tugged the frame from her hands. She sighed and shifted as I took a seat on the edge of her bed. The framed photograph was one of Kia, Josephine, and I all laid out by the pool. Kia sat in front of me and Josie sat in front of her and we created a line from tallest to smallest. It was a happy moment. A precious second of our life that wasn't tainted. A moment I wish had lasted longer. My heart tightened in my chest as a feeling of nostalgia passed over me.
I missed my family. My little unit of love. Something I wished I had spent more time enjoying than running away from. If only I could go back. If only Kia would come back.
"Oh, Josie. . ." I whispered as I set the frame aside and leaned over her sleeping form, "I miss her too. I miss how we were, but I can't change what we are today. I can't bring Mommy back. . . Even though I wish I could. . . But she wanted me to move on, baby. She wanted me to find somebody that was good enough for the both of us and that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to find somebody to make us happy again. I need you to support me though. I need you to understand that it's hard for Daddy to move on too and that sometimes I miss Mommy so much that I feel guilty when Miss. Thompson makes me smile or laugh. . ." She turned on her side, facing me. I brushed her hair from her face when it slid down her cheek and sighed.
"You mean the world to me and I want you happy, but I want to be happy too. . . and I know you want me to be happy, but you're scared. So am I, but I'm willing to try and find happiness again. I need you to be willing too." I stared down at her as she snored lightly, not even aware of my existence. The silence that took over the room was heavy, but comforting. It was way better than the bickering that Josie and I have recently been doing.
"That was a nice speech." I abruptly turned my attention to the doorway to find JC leaning against the frame with his arms crossed over his chest. I smiled sadly and glanced back at Josephine.
"Too bad she didn't hear it," I said. He nodded in agreement and walked over to the bed, leaning over my shoulder to look down at Josie.
"Maybe you should try to say when she's actually awake. . . It might even work."
"Or not," I argued, pulling the blanket up to her chin and standing. JC backed up some, allowing me room to move towards the door.
"You never know unless you try. . ." I shook my head, knowing that I was being pessemistic, but not knowing how to be anything else.
"I'll just wait and see on Monday," I told him, "I got a flight to catch." I opened Josie's door and waited for him to pass through before walking out myself. As I pulled it closed behind me, I glanced back at my daughter and sighed. I was never really good with talking to her. That was Kia's niche.
"She'll get over it," JC said, "Go after Mel. She'll be a little pissed off, but she'll learn to accept it." I closed the door and turned toward him.
"I'm not disregarding her feelings for my own."
"This is something you really need," JC pressed on, "You can't deny yourself happiness."
"But I can deny her happiness?" He sighed. "That's what I thought." I turned up the hall toward my bedroom and closed the door behind me when I was tucked inside. I leaned against the door and closed my eyes. I wasn't even mad. I was confused. . . and fustrated. I was also about to be late. I took notice of the suitcases on my bed and my buzzing cell phone on my nightstand. It was Mike, I'm sure. I didn't bother answering, but I did pick it up and reject the call before grabbing hold of my suitcases and rushing right back out of the room when I heard honking from outside. JC wasn't in the hall, but as I descended upon the stairs I found him sitting on the sofa, staring at the blank television screen.
"I assume that's Mike," he said out of nowhere as I put down my cases and slipped on my coat.
"Yeah," I said, adjusting my collar, "I'll call when I land."
"Alright."
"Tell Josie I love her."
"No problem," JC said. I cleared my throat, pushing down the apology that came right back up.
"Sorry," I spat out before turning around and looking him. He was standing with his arms crossed against his chest, leaning slightly on the sofa.
"I know." I smirked at his cocky attitude before we both laughed. He then opened his arms and walked over to me, embracing me warmly. "Have a good flight."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I said, brushing him off, "Take care of my baby."
"Always." I sighed and looked up the stairs again, hoping to see Josie with wide open arms, willing to at least say goodbye to me appropriately.
She wasn't there.
I sighed to myself and gave JC a nod of acknowledgement before dragging myself and my suitcases out to the waiting Suburban SUV outside. Mike shot me a look of annoyance throw the mirror as I climbed into the backseat.
"Sorry," I mumbled as I clipped on my seat belt and leaned back against the chair, sinking into the soft, leather interior. The ride over to LAX was quiet. Mike must've since my need of solitude because he barely breathed. He didn't even turn on the radio like he always did, blasting some dusty old jam from way back when. It wasn't until we finally got to the airport that the noise came, loud and hard, not to mention completely inconsiderate of my vulnerable state.
But that was paparazzi for you.
I battled the flashes of light and the calling of my name until I was aboard my flight and wisked away into sleep once my head hit the pillow on my seat. I hated to fly and would usually be awake and paranoid, but today I decided that sleep was better than worrying. About Josie. About Melanie. About Kia. About myself. I needed just a few minutes of . . . nothing. Just nothing.
I ended up getting a few hours of sleep in before waking up just moments before we landed. I got butterflies in my stomach when excitement came over me. It had been too long since I've left LA and enjoyed the rest of the world around me. Way too long.
"Welcome to Virginia Beach, my man." I smiled when I heard his voice as my feet touched solid ground. Pharrell smiled at me, wide and sneaky, as usual.
"What's up?" I asked, doing our handshake and giving him a pat on the back.
"Nothing much," he said before I noticed a glass of alcohol in his hands.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a little too early for that?" He laughed and shook his head.
"You used to roll out of bed with a bottle of wine in one hand and a 40 ounce in another."
"I'm gettin' old." I laughed, but I was serious as hell. I get a headache just looking at a beer now.
"Well, we gotta turn back the hands of time." The way he laughed after that told me that I should probably call JC now before I forgot my own house number and also told me that I would feel a whole lot better when I got home. A whole lot better.
"What are we waitin' for?" I asked, "Let's do what we do and do it right!"
I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
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