The Reasons Why
I've been avoiding Melanie like a plague. Ever since our kiss, a ton of guilt washes over me when I see her. I wasn't being fair to Mel, I know. She didn't deserve to get the cold shoulder from me. But Josie was more important. Her feelings were my biggest concern.
I haven't told her about anything yet. I tried, a million times within the last month, but when she turned and said 'what is it, dad?', I couldn't bear to let the words slip from my lips. Not only because she trusted me enough to keep a promise I broke, but because I saw Nakia in her green eyes. I could picture the pained expression that would contort her features before she cried. I could hear her heart break as she wailed 'I hate you'.
"Justin, this is ridiculous." My mom sighed heavily as she twisted a blonde curl of her hair, "Josie'll understand that it's time for you to move on. Especially if this Melanie girl makes you so happy." It was my turn to heave a heavy sigh.
"I don't want Melanie and I not to work out," I said softly, "Her and Ashley would probably fall apart."
"Justin, please," she rolled her blue eyes, "If you love Josie enough not to be with Melanie, than you'll love her enough to put up with her if ya'll break up." I never actually thought about it that way, but it didn't take the guilt out of betraying Nakia.
"What about Kia?" I mumbled sadly. I casted my eyes downward before my mother could catch a glance at the tears forming in my eyes. I don't understand why I'm feeling so bad about dating Melanie. I've dated other women and never felt this damn guilty.
Maybe it's because nobody ever came close to Nakia. I never thought any of them were worthy enough to take her place. But Melanie. . . I don't know. I'm scared that I might be able to connect with her. To care for her. To love her.
"What about her, Jay?" my mother asked softly.
"What do you mean 'what about her'?" I snapped, "She's my wife."
"She was your wife," she corrected, "She's been gone for five years, Justin. You have to move on."
"I commited myself to her-"
"'Til death do you part," mom reminded, "You lived up to your commitment, hun. It's okay to want to be with someone else. Kia wanted you to move on, remember?"
"What if she was just saying that?" I asked, "You know how Kia was. She used to say things because she wanted you to feel better and not worry about her. What if she secretly hated the idea of me moving on?"
"No woman in their right mind would be completely thrilled to see the man they love find someone else, but she was realistic. She knows everybody needs to be loved, Justin. Nakia wouldn't be selfish and make you go through life alone." I knew my mother was right, but the thought of loving someone else made me want to vomit. Yet, at the same time, it made me feel all warm inside. I liked the idea of having someone to wake up to every morning, but at the same time, I was terrified.
All of my relationships ended tragically. Mostly cheating, but still. . . What if Melanie and I end in some horrible fashion? Be it cheating or cancer. Putting my heart out there again left it vulnerable to destruction and devestation. I used to be willing to take that risk, but the older I get, the more I less willing I become.
"This is just too much right now," I huffed as I stood, "I have to pick of Jospehine." I glanced at my Rolex and rolled my eyes, "I had to pick her up ten minutes ago." I quickly grabbed my keys from the kitchen counter and slipped on my black sandals.
"Justin, I want you to tell Josie today," my mom said as she peered over her shoulder in my direction, "She'll understand, okay?" No, not okay, mother. She won't understand.
"We'll talk when I get back," I mumbled quickly as I opened up my back door. I slammed it shut behind me and started to walk along the long path leading up to my driveway. I spotted my Mercedes and unlocked the door. Once I was inside, I started putting on my seat belt. I hissed when my skin came in contact with the hot ass metal buckle and rolled my eyes. I'm going to have a really bad afternoon, I can already feel it.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Being right is a pain in the ass.
I couldn't find Josie when I pulled up to her private school. There were numerous amounts of children still running around and I was in a state of panic. I spotted a few of her friends and they told me she was waiting for me and that's all they saw of her. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach caused me to want to scream in agony. First Sears, and now this? What the hell is wrong with me? One of those creepy paparazzi guys could've taken her, but I don't see a single Camera in sight.
Right when I thought I was going to explode with worry, Ms. Diamond, Josie's math teacher, appeared and informed me she left with Ashley and her mother. I thanked her, hopped into my car, and drove down to Melanie's. The problem was that I didn't see her car. I called Melanie's cell phone in desperation, praying that they weren't in some horrible accident on their way home. It went directly to voicemail and I left a brief message. I drove down to the diner we had dinner in several times before, I went to local parks, checked out every toy store within a twenty mile radius, but still came up empty handed.
Then, finally, the brilliant idea of checking my home came to mind. I drove up those hills like a mad man and was relieved to see Melanie's small Toyata Corolla parked out front. I jumped out of the car and opened up the front door, expecting to see Josie and Ashley giggling at a mindless cartoon joke, but instead, there was Melanie.
"Hey," I squeaked out, "Wh-Where are the girls?" I asked.
"Your mother took them for the night," she answered, "So we could talk." Oh goodness, talk was never a good thing. I hate 'talks'. The usually end up being arguments that lead to more fights and drama. Silence is a much better thing.
"Talk about what?" I asked dumbly, slowly strolling over to my creme colored sofa. Melanie scooted over some and lifted one of her legs onto the couch.
"About the whole kissing thing," Melanie explained, "About you running out of the kitchen the way you did." I blushed slightly as my punk ass moment and sighed.
"Sorry," I told her, "I was just. . ."
"Scared?" she questioned meekly, "'Cause I was." I looked up into her eyes to see if she was lying or not.
"Why?"
"I don't know," she said with a shrug, "I haven't felt like this in a while."
"Like what?" I asked curiously.
"Like. . ." she gestured to the aura around us, "this."
"Oh," I said slowly, "This."
"This," Melanie repeated, "And I'm scared of this."
"So am I," I confessed, "I really don't know what this is, but it's complicated."
"It shouldn't be," Melanie laughed drily, "Two people like each other; they do something about it."
"There's so much inbetween though."
"I know. . ." Melanie sighed, "Josie's your big issue, right?" I nodded.
"What's yours?" I could see her tense up at my question, "Nevermind."
"No, no. . . it's okay," Melanie assured, "I should probably tell you so you can see where I'm coming from. It's only fair."
"Okay," I said softly. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know what her issue was. I didn't even know she had a freakin' issue. She didn't see the least bit uncomfortable with flirting with me and the only time I saw her panic was when we kissed.
"Ash's father, David, was the first and only guy I was ever in love with," Melanie began her tale cautiously, "We met when we were little. Six or seven actually. We were friends until I was seventeen. He kissed me on our prom night and we were 'together' after that. I guess we were kinda perfect. Best friends and in love. The type of couple everybody hates, but wants to be. . .Anyway, when I was twenty-eight, I got pregnant with Ashley and I thought we would be a family and whatnot, but David didn't want to be a part of that. He denied Ashley completely and even told me get an abortion." My chest tightens as she bows her head down. I could've sworn I heard her sniffle, but didn't get a chance to ask if she was okay.
"Well, anyway, after I told him I wouldn't, he started to change. He started staying out more and then one day, he just didn't come home," she paused, "I found out he moved to New York a month before Ashley was due. He had a new apartment. A new job. A new life. . . He just started all over again and failed to mention it to me. I still don't know how he could just up and leave like that, but I accepted that things were what they were and raised Ashley alone. I had family and friends, of course, but things were still hard." I nodded and fiddled with my fingers.
"I'm sorry he did that to you and Ashley," I said softly, not really knowing what to say, "If this compensates for anything, I know you're a wonderful mother and deserve much better than David's dumbass." She smiled softly.
"Thank you," she told me appreciatively, "That does mean a lot to me. Especially since it's coming from you." A silence between comfortable and uncomfortable washed over us and I sighed.
When something is broken
And you try to fix it. . .
"I'm sorry for kissing you," I blurted out, "I shouldn't have. It just made things harder."
"Please, don't apologize for that," Melanie said gently, "I only regret not kissing you sooner." She blushed at her own words.
"We can't do anything," I said suddenly, "Josie won't accept it."
"Did you try talking to her?" Melanie asked.
"Well. . . no."
"Then how do you know?"
"Because I know my daughter," I breathed, "Mel, she won't accept it."
"Justin," Melanie practically, "I've never felt so strongly about someone before. I don't want to scare you or anything, but I can't stop thinking about you kissing me." Those words were like symphony - music to my ears.
Trying to repair it
Any way you can. . .
"Mel-"
"Justin, please," she pleaded, "Give us a chance." She stared up at me with sad eyes and I glanced down at my white Forces.
"Mel. . ." I sighed, "I just. . . I don't know."
"Come on, Josie can't be that stubborn," Melanie reasoned.
"It's not only her," I admitted, "I don't know if I can. . ." I was praying I wouldn't do some pussy shit and end up crying in front of her, but the thought of being with another woman scared the shit out of me.
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can. . .
"Why not?" Melanie asked gently and I started wondering why she cared so much. I've been giving her a hard ass time about us and she's still wanting to be with me. I would've given up on myself by now if I was her.
"Because. . . I still miss my wife." Her sympathetic look made me feel even more pathetic then before.
"That's okay," Melanie assured, "Sometimes, I miss David. What we had before things went wrong. . ."
"I don't think I can love anyone else," I blurted out.
"I'm not asking you to love me yet," Melanie said, "I'm just asking you to try us out and see where we can go. . ." Say okay, Justin. Say okay. . .
"If Josie's okay with it, we can. . .try," I told her, "I really to, Melanie."
"Me too," Melanie smiled softly, "So, it's up to Josie, huh?" I nodded my head.
"I want her happy too."
"Okay then. . ." Melanie breathed.
"Okay. . ." I repeated. Then there was silence.
"So, are you hungry?" Melanie asked. I nodded.
"Yeah, I can cook. . ." I offered.
"You cook?" I was somewhat insluted by her shocked expression.
"Yeah. . ." I said in a duh tone, "What do you think Josie's been eating for the last five years?" I chuckled as we stood.
"Take out," Melanie answered. I playfully glared in her direction and she smiled.
"You're lucky I'm in a good mood," I told her, "What do you want?"
"Um. . .whatever you're willing to cook," Melanie said as she took a seat at my round kitchen table.
"Chicken and rice?" I questioned.
"Sounds good," Melanie commented.
"Okay then," I mumbled distractedly while I rumaged through the freezer for some chicken breast, "Care to help?"
With her perfect smile spread across her face, she nodded her beautiful blonde head and said, "Sure, why not?" Her graceful stroll over to where I stood seemed to have put me in a trance. My heart fluttered, but broke in that very moment. Melanie was bittersweet to me.
I hated to like her, but I loved it all the same. I really hoped Josie will accept this.
Song Credit(s):
"X&Y" - Coldplay
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