July 3, 2002
Fargo, ND
Shelby was really nervous to meet with Susie as she sat backstage moments before the concert. Susie's flight had come in late, so they had to send someone to pick her up at the airport. She wanted to evaluate Shelby's progress and talk to the other guys about her. Knowing she had no reason to be nervous, Shelby took in a deep breath and slowly let it out.
Her thoughts turned to her trip to Minot and Brad. She didn't know why she had been so nervous. Everything had went perfectly, Brad and Justin had gotten along good and she hadn't seen anybody she'd known in school.
"Hey Shelby, are you going to watch the concert?" a voice interrupted her from behind.
Shelby turned around and saw Mike standing there.
"I don't think so Mike, I think I"m going to go on the bus and sleep, I'm not feel the greatest." Shelby answered.
"Alright, I'll escort you out there." Mike offered.
"No, that's okay, I'll be fine." Shelby shook her head.
"All right, shall I send Susie to the bus when she gets here?"
"No, we're meeting after the show at the hotel."
"Okay, well have fun then." Mike said before walkin away.
Shelby slowly made her way back to the bus and grabbed her backpack and went to the back. This was the first time in a long time, at least since she'd joined Nsync on they're bus, that she'd gotten to be completely alone. She took out her discman and put in The Used and turned it to the beginning and started to read.
The cup is not half empty as pessimists say
As far as he's sees, nothing's left in the cup
A whole cup full of nothing for him to indulge
Since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
Today was the worst day of my life, we had Marcr17;s funeral this morning. I felt everyoner17;s eyes on me, condoning me. I could just hear the comments, there goes that fat girl. Ir17;m sick of fat. Nobody likes me, I have no friends, sometimes Ir17;m pretty sure no one would miss me if I was gone.
Itr17;s not fair, some people have everything and I get nothing. I am so fed up with my life. Only 5 more days until Ir17;m out of here forever.
Wow-Marc left me a really nice car and $5,000. I have the money in a safe place and the car is at their house until I leave on Sunday.
Brad slapped me at work. I was so mad and sad that I kind of told him off then left. I donr17;t think I told you that I got the Orlando apartment and then Ir17;ll be out of here. Ir17;ll never come back-not ever. Got to go the dragon is calling.
Shelby flipped to the next page and continued to read, still listening to Poetic Tragedy.
A singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
He gave heed to nothing, and all that he was....
Is just a tragedy
May 22, 2002
Itr17;s me again. Why do I even bother? This world is so morbid, this utopia Ir17;ve imagined in my mind seems to be nonexistent. I sit here and listen to Last Day on Earth and realize this very well could be my last day on earth. What if even God doesnr17;t like me? He could strike me dead at any time. Put me out of my misery.
I heard a song once, r16;Why have you forsaken me, in my eyes forsaken you, in my life forsaken mer17; have I been forsaken? Did I commit some cardinal sin that Ir17;m now paying for? I trusted Brad, I thought he was really nice. He just used me, have I been forsaken? My mom left me when I was 10. Maybe that man who was my step father made me sin. What is sin really? I donr17;t know God Ir17;ve never been given a chance. Mom used to be such a wonderful woman. Sher17;s my angel sher17;s in heaven watching over me.
Hi mom. Ir17;m sorry for being a failure. I have to go, my song is skipping and I have to sleep 4 more days. Please mom, if your17;re out there, I pray send me a miracler12;before itr17;s too late.
Shelby sighed and remembered it like yesterday. She flipped a few pages ahead and went on to read.
So he voyages in circles
Succeeds getting nowhere
And submits to the substance
That first got him there
June 3, 2002
Just when I thought things were going to get better here in Orlando. I guess people everywhere are the same, rude and inconsiderate of others. I hate my life, sometimes I wish I could just die. I don't want to die, I just want to be normal. I don't even know what normal is, I want to be liked, to be loved, to have a friend, to be accepted.
I have a job here, I think I'll go in tomorrow and see if I can start. I met this guy named Justin, he is such a fucking jerk. He thinks the world revolves around him and that everyone should bow down to him and worship his feet. He's the worst, none of the people in Minot were this bad. This is a complete stranger who doesn't even know me and yet he's judging me.
There is one girl who I'm going to be working with who doesn't seem to be so bad, her name is Aimee. She's nice so far, she helped me find Walmart when I got lost, she might be a friend.
Then in violent, frustration, he cries out to God or just no one
Is there a point to this madness and all that he was....
Is just a tragedy
June 4, 2002
I had to go to the hospital today. Some damn panic attack. Justin made it happen, I can't stand being around him. He makes me sick, and not just in the mocking 'oh he makes me sick' kind of way, he really does. When I see him, I get sick to my stomach. Guess that's why I had a panic attack.
Freaking doctor asked a million questions about the scars on my arms. I didn't answer him, it's none of his business. I'm sure he figured it out anyway, thinks he's enstein or something.
Joey seems to actually care about me, he drove me to the hospital, and then he drove me home AND he helped me bring all my boxes up from the car. Did I mention how filthy this place was. Anyway, gotta go, gotta get up early for a day by myself tomorrow.
Shelby by sheer will kept on reading, knowing what was coming up.
He feels alone
His heart in his hand
He's alone
He feels alone
I feel....
June 6, 2002
I had make yet another trip to the hospital yesterday, only this time it was worse. I flipped. I let Justin's words get to me and I went home and I cut myself pretty bad. I gotta watch what I do. I can't afford to go back to the hospital. I won't let him affect me any more. Right now I'm sitting at this rehearsal thing with Joey and his friends, and of course Justin is here, bastard thinks he needs to be everywhere I am. Whatever. They're not bad, not really my thing, but they're good.
Shelby almost puked when she saw the next entry. She knew exactly which one it was and what had happened.
Then on that last day he breaks
And he stood tall
And he yelled... and he takes his life
June 7, 2002
I tried to commit suicide, I almost died. I can't bare to say that. I almost died. DIED. That would have been the end of my life, I don't want to die. I want to live. I broke down. Justin was nice to me for a while, but then he was an ass in front of everyone and I couldn't take it any more. I slit my wrists and cut everywhere else I could possibly get. Thankfully Aimee found me and rushed me to the hospital.
I've never been so scared, I've had a lot of time to think about my life. I'm going to be doing this new therapy group thing where I go with some celebrity or something and talk about my problems. I'm not looking forward to that, but I do want to be cured. I don't want to continue to live like this.
Shelby closed her eyes and was lost in the rest of the song as the old emotions and scars washed over her and ran out of her body through her tears.
Then in violent, frustration, he cries out to God or just no one
Is there a point to this madness and all that he was....
Is just a tragedy
(Poetic Traged, The Used)
Taking a few deep breaths after letting all her emotions out, Shelby flipped the pages until she got to her latest entry, which she took a moment to close her eyes and exhale deeply. She turned the CD to number one and started to read.
As we trudge along through the mud
And we tried to call it home
But we weren't alright, not at all
Not for one for one for one second
June 15, 2002
I don't know how I can handle these feelings any more. The more I'm around Justin, the more I feel myself falling. I can't stop myself, I've tried desperatly hard not to allow myself to feel anything other than friendship, but he's so sweet. He's like my knight in shining armor these days, he's my Hero.
The other girls in the wardrobe department finally started being nice to me. I can't believe I snapped the way I did. I'm glad I did, because that shows I'm improving, but at the same time, I think it could have been handled a little more delicately. Gotta go.
Never have been one to write it down
Now I think I can
I know I'm stronger now
Who's looking south
Not me I'm not looking back
I'm done denying the truth to anyone
Cause I'm alive
As we trudge along through the mud
And we tried to call it home
But we weren't alright, not at all
Not for one for one for one second
Shelby grabbed her pen and started writing.
July 3, 2002
I'm in love. I'm someones girlfriend. I never thought I'd say that in my wildest dreams. I, Shelby Murphy, have a boyfriend. He's the sweetest, most amazing, passionate man I've ever met. If you would have told me when I first came to Orlando that in less than two months I'd have a boyfriend, I'd have laughed in your face. Especially if you told me that man would be Justin Timberlake. Granted, two months ago, I had no idea who Justin Timberlake was, but when I first met him, I would have laughed.
When he told me he loved me I thought I was hearing things. How could someone like him, someone so beautiful, not on the outside, but on the inside, love me. I've always been unlovable, or so it seems.
You showed me how
You seemed to find a hole
But I just laughed and smiled
Begged and rolled my eyes
Even cried and
Denied the truth to you
Just like the truth to me
Mostly lied
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
When I first met Justin, it was really bad. He was just like the people I left behind in Minot. But then things happened, things changed, feelings changed, minds changed. We fell in love. I don't know how it happened, but it did, that's all that matters. I'm sitting on a tour bus, having the time of my life, all because I used to be fucked up in the head. I've learned to love myself. I know it seems like such a short time since I've been here, but I've been through so much.
White it out like glittering wax butterflies
Never have been one to write it down
Now I think I can
I know I'm stronger now
Who's looking south
Not me I'm not looking back
I'm done denying the truth to anyone
Cause I'm alive
This is going to be my last journal entry in this journal. This is the depressing one. I'm going to go buy a new one for all the happy memories I'm going to have in the future. My future with Justin, my future with happiness. Yes, my happy future.
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
I'm not going to look back
Shelby put her stuff down and lay her head on the back of the couch and closed her eyes. She soon fell asleep and dreamed of what seemed to be a very bright future.
