"Engaged in what?" I asked dumbly, trying to grasp at the pathetic pile of straws in my mind. "A form of illegal activity?" Justin, who's name now came to mind so easily because he was not my Matthew in the least, gave me a look of confusion. As if he had the right to be confused. I was the confused one. I was the one who would rather him say he was involved in drug trafficking than...

"I'm engaged... to be married," he clarified and just like that, the dagger in my heart turned over and over, ripping through the sensitive tissue of my mangled heart. It made me place my hand over my chest, as if it would help to ease the pain. I shook my head. I could not fathom that what he was saying could be true.

"How can you be engaged?" I asked, "You never mentioned it before."

"I never thought about it before," he offered as the weakest excuse ever, "I couldn't remember my own name at a point. My entire life dropped out of my head and it all just came back."

"You remembered your mom and your brothers and Trace," I argued, feeling somewhat betrayed and lied to. I started to think he knew all along. "You googled your heart out when I was at work, but you never saw one article about who you're dating?"

"I saw some stuff, but I didn't pay it any mind because I was with you; at least I was trying to be, but you never made that easy." I scoffed in disbelief.

"You have some nerves talking about me not letting things between us be easy," I griped, "I fed and clothed and cared for you without asking for a damn thing in return. Hell, if I made things even easier, you probably would've made this a lot worse. Thank God I kept my distance." That was bullshit. My distance my ass. My heart had long settled into his hands and it was hard to keep my exterior from revealing how heart broken and sad, rather than angry, I was at this new revelation. "And what do you mean you never paid attention to stuff like that? Don't you think it's a little important to know if you're engaged or not?"

"Everything said something different. I was dating Cameron, I was with Jess. I was engaged. My wedding was off. I couldn't get my head around it all and I didn't know who to believe. And I only looked at that stuff for two seconds," he said annoyed, like I was bothering him with questions.

"Justin, you're engaged! You knew that and you ignored it and you made me-" I cut myself off and took a breath, "How could you stare in my face every day and lie? Act like it was fine and we had some sort of future together?"

"Because that's what Matthew wanted to believe," he said, "I had no home other than yours. I had no woman other than you. Sash, if I honestly had any idea how deep my relationship with Jessica was, I wouldn't have let myself get that close to you. I would've gladly went to that homeless shelter just so I wouldn't be tempted to fall for you the way I did. . . The way I have."

"Shut up," I snapped, "Don't feed me that shit to try and sweet talk your way out of this-"

"I'm not sweet talkin', I'm telling you the truth," he interrupted, standing from the bed and stalking over toward me quickly. I stepped back and hit the door. He pinned me in with his arms. I was trapped inside a cage that my trembling heart did not care to break out of. "You... you have no idea how much harder you're making this for me."

"I'm sorry for existing," I sarcastically spat and his eyes held my gaze before momently dipping down to glance at my lips. "Don't even think about it."

"I already have," he admitted in a much softer tone, "I've thought about more than that. I've thought about you way too deeply all those hours I spent with you and even when you were gone. I honestly was ready to build my life around you. I didn't want to go back to my 'old' life. I had too much of a good, new one with you."

"Why are you telling me this when you're leaving anyway?" I asked. "Are you trying to make me feel worse?" If he was, it was working. He was saying too much of what I wanted to hear and he was contradicting all of it with his actions. He talked like he wanted to stay, and yet he was choosing to leave.

"I'm not trying to do anything," he assured sincerely and I felt my eyes prickle with tears. "Sash, I'm just trying to tell you in words what I feel for you. I don't want us leaving on misunderstandings and bad terms. I want you to know that what I feel for you is something real. Deep. What I feel for you is so different and scary because what took years for me to build with Jessica feels like it's happening with you in just two months. I don't even know what to do with it, but I know that I can't choose us... I'm not trying to be mean or sound indifferent to what we have, but I spent three and a half years with Jess and I can't... I can't just rid myself of her like she's nothing. Especially now after-" He sighed and his arms limped as his hands weakly slid down the door on either side of me. He leant his forehead against mine and I caught my breath.

"Do I really want to know?" I asked, but I did want to know. I needed to know what made her better than me. This Jessica. This woman with a ring on her finger from the man - or at least a part of the man - I adored. I pushed the fact that she had almost four years with him beneath her belt compared to my measely two months. She had already won that round.

"Jess and I broke up," he told me, his warm breath against my mouth as he spoke. "We were... We were at the hospital because she wasn't feeling good... And... We were worried since..." He was sighing between every broken statement as if it were too much to say and I grew frustrated with his hesitation. I couldn't possibly hurt more. He was still leaving. It didn't matter now.

"Just spit it the fuck out," I groaned and he nodded against our contacting skin, making my head wobble involuntarily.

"Jessica and I got engaged during Thanksgiving," he explained, "Everything was great and I... I was so happy when she told me a week or two later that she was pregnant..." I closed my eyes, forcing back the sob of distress. Engagement. Kids. This was a Jerry Springer special and I was the leading guest.

"Okay, and?" I pressed on.

"And then she got sick and we went to the hospital...." He took in a deep breath and pushed himself away from me, breaking our contact as he briskly walked over to the wide, bay windows that overlooked the city. I watched as he took his cletched fist and punched the glass, making it shake and making me jump. I didn't say anything, knowing that it was not the time to nag him to continue or to ask what his problem was. This was a moment of silence. "I'm sorry." I was confused by his strained voice and his apology.

"Don't waste your time with apologies, Justin," I calmly told him, "Just tell me what's going on."

"You know I hate hospitals, right?" I nodded, even though his back was to me as he stared out at the buildings and sky scrappers of downtown. "Well, I have good reason."

"Like?" I urged on.

"Like watching my fiancee go through tests and being told everything was fine and she didn't need to worry... And then wake up in the middle of the night, screaming because she was in a puddle of blood that soaked our entire bed." I stared at his back as he hunched over slowly, shaking a bit. My heart tightened in my chest when a lonely whimpering sob escaped his throat. My feet moved before I thought and I was hugging his waist and resting my face against his back.

"I'm sorry," I tried to console, but I knew it wasn't enough.

"I went to that hospital and they told me she was fine, gave her some meds for the pain..." My eyes blurred with sympathetic tears as he sniffled. "Then my baby's gone. Just like that." I rubbed my face into his back and he stood straighter. I detached myself from him and wiped my face as he turned to look at me and did the same. "You'd think that would be enough for one man. God wouldn't let me suffer through much more than that."

"Jessica isn't dying, right?" I did not like her, but I did not wish death on a recently miscarrying mother.

"No, but something was killing her and she swore that her karma is what took our child away," he said, sadly shaking his head. "Or at least what was possibly our child." I covered my hand with my mouth and widened my eyes.

"No," I gasped, "She did not." Justin nodded, confirming what I was already concluding.

"After her miscarriage she told me that there was a 50/50 chance it wasn't mine because she had cheated a few days before I proposed. It 'just happened' and she was going to tell me, eventually, but the baby and the engagement and excitement was just too much for her to squeeze in the small detail that she was two timing me and having babies with other men." He glanced up to the heavens and shook his head as if he couldn't believe it himself. I stood there and stared at his profile as he wiped his face and I saw how bitter he was. I saw how much he didn't want to go back because he was still hurt. His wounds were fresh now. Like there weren't two months between his drama. I guess there wasn't. He just remembered it all today, multiple slaps in the face, I'm sure.

"And you want to work things out?" I asked. I was a bit fuzzy on that part. If I had a fiance cheat on me, made me believe some baby was mine when it could not be, and then fell for someone else, I would at least be hesitatant. It didn't seem like he paused at all. Like he knew he was going to go back to her no matter what because I just didn't amount to her for some reason or another. I frowned at the thought. Once again, I'm second best in the eyes of the man I put first.

"I know... It sounds like I'm stupid, cheating is enough reason to leave her..." He paused before he offered a small shrug. "It's just not that simple. Not with her. I know Jessica is a good person and doesn't have a cynical, manipulative bone in her body. She didn't cheat because she intended to hurt me or had it in mind when it happened. It did just happen. She honestly didn't mean it and I know that."

"How can you know that?" I asked, confused as hell. I didn't know there were good cheaters and bad cheaters. They were all assholes if you asked me.

"Because despite the fact that she cheated on me, like basically every woman I've ever been in love with, there was something... different. Whenever I got cheated on, I never felt the need to fight for the relationship. It always felt like it was over because there was nothing worth holding onto, but with Jessica, I see that maybe we can work something on, ya know?" I glanced down at my Chucks again and closed my eyes because they only reminded me of the face I was trying to avoid now.

"No, I don't," I answered honestly, "But if that's how you feel, I can't change your mind. You love her, so go and get her."

"I'm sorry, I really am," he apologized and I waved him off.

"Don't apologize, please," I cringed at the idea of sympathy. It made me feel more pathetic. "It only makes it worse when you apologize."

"I didn't want to hurt you, but I know that I have. I know that you're building up all those walls again and I'm so sorry that I had to be that guy to you again. I want to tell you not to close yourself off, but I already know what's going to happen and I can't blame you for feeling defensive again. This is all pretty shitty."

"Just a little bit," I mumbled before adding, "But don't lose sleep over me, Justin. I'm a big girl and -"

"You can take care of yourself, I know," he interrupted with a swift roll of his eyes. "It's your heart I'm worried about."

"Well, don't worry 'cause I got that too." Actually, he had it, but I'd get it back eventually. This won't kill me, but I don't think it'll make me stronger either.

"You got everything," he complained jokingly and I shrugged.

"What can I say? I'm the total package." He smiled down at me sadly and nodded.

"You really are," he agreed before opening his arms and pulling me into a tight embrace. I didn't fight. I gladly welcomed him into my arms, so sad and soon to be empty because there would not be another man to fill them for God knows how long. I breathed in his scent and wondered if Justin smelled like this all the time, or if this was just the last of Matthew I was getting. l wondered if he would get home to Hollywood and spray on a ton of his expensive cologne, masking his natural smell that I loved so much.

His hands were warm around my shoulders as his fingers managed to gently push back the hair from my face and graze my skin in sweeping caresses. This was Matthew's hug and I felt in in every part he touched. I felt it in my heart that struggled with the reality of this situation. I told myself over and over that he was leaving. That he was gone. That I'd never see him again because the whole 'we can still be friends' line had never came out of his mouth and even if it did, we both knew that was a lie. I couldn't possibly be his friend anyway. I was too selfish to share such a small part of him.

"That's enough," I squeaked out weakly from against his chest.

"No, one more minute," Justin said, kissing my exposed forehead before sighing and reluctantly letting me go. I was cooled instantly by the room temperature that hit me once his warm body was gone. He stared down at me and I looked up at him. I thought to kiss him and make him change his mind. Take him right in the middle of this hospital room on the cold linoleum floors and make him rethink his decision, but I fought against that urge. He did not want to stay with a clear mind and no sexual distraction would give me a lasting answer. He might, for a second, stay, but eventually, he'd leave me anyway. Better now than later I suppose, but at the same time, a moment longer with him would've been nice.

"So when do you leave anyway?" I asked, not really wanting to know. Justin shrugged.

"I guess as soon as Trace comes back up here. Since my Dad's out of ER and doing fine-"

"Oh, that's great," I interrupted, "When'd you find out?"

"This morning Shannon told me the news," I rolled my eyes and he chuckled. "The bullet just missed his spine, so they had to take it out really carefully so they wouldn't hit any nerves. He's wheelchairin' it, but he can be moved to a Los Angeles hospital so he'll be closer to home."

"That's great," I said with a small smile, "Hopefully the flight will be fine."

"Yeah, we're all set," he told me, "I have a jet waiting for me." I nodded.

"Of course you do," I smiled weakly, "I'm talking to a millionaire here." It felt so weird to have that come out of my mouth. As much as I was on Matthew's ass about paying me back, the amount of money he was actually worth never really stayed in my mind. It made 'us' more unreal. More impausible.

"That reminds me," Justin said, turning to walk across the room. He stuck his hand beneath his pillow and turned back to me with a white envelope. "I want you to have this." I stood there as he walked up and stopped in front of me. There was barely enough room for him to hand me the envelope. I took it and ripped it open slowly before pulling out the slip of paper tucked inside. I gasped.

"Oh, hell no!" I declined, shoving the check right back into where it came from before pressing it against his chest. "I cannot take that money from you."

"It's yours," Justin argued, handing it towards me. I backed away, waving him off.

"No, it's not," I argued back. "Ten thousand dollars? Are you crazy?"

"That's nothing compared to everything you've done for me," he said sincerely, "I owe you this money."

"You don't even owe me a penny, Justin, I did everything because I cared about you. I was joking about the wallet thing -"

"I know, Sash, I know," he smirked, "That's why I want you to have this even more because you didn't try to use me. You did everything because you just wanted to help me out and that deserves some recognition."

"A thank you is sufficient enough and you have thanked me a million times over already," I sighed. "I'm not taking that."

"Sash..." he scolded.

"No."

"Take the check, I already wrote it out to you and put it in my checkbook-"

"I don't care."

"Take the money," Justin baggered on.

"No," I stubbornly crossed my arms over my chest and jerked back when he tried to stick the envelope on me.

"Take the check," Justin grumbled.

"No." He stared at me and I stared at him before he finally sighed and relented.

"Fine." He stuck the check into his pocket and shook his head. "You're impossible."

"I'd like to think so," I smiled smugly. He offered me a wide grin before walking back to the bed and stuck his hand under his pillow again.

"Which is why..." He pulled out a black, velvet box that looked like a necklace belonged in it. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You did not," I said as he walked up to me and held out the box in his hands. He grinned widely.

"Did I?" he asked me and I raised a brow, my curiousity getting the best of me. I slowly snapped back the lid and furrowed my brows.

"Keys?" I asked, picking them up before seeing the Lexus symbol printed on one of them. "Oh my God!" I think the whole hospital heard my screaming as Justin laughed.

"And you have to take it because Trace has towed your car already," Justin smugly smiled. "And who won this round?" He pointed at himself proudly and I smiled despite myself.

"I really hope he can get my car back because I will be taking the bus until he does," I placed the keys in his palm, "Sorry Bud."

"What?" Justin asked, "You have a brand new Lexus."

"From you," I reminded, my smile falling, "I appreciate you trying to be nice to me and thanking me, but every time I get in that car, I'm going to think about you and that's not going to help me forget that pretty little face of yours."

"Forget about me?" Justin asked, confused, "Sash, we're still friends...right?"

"Friends?" I asked, "How can we be friends when we...aren't?"

"But we are."

"Justin, it may be easier for you to say that because you've got somebody waiting on you to come back home, but... I don't, ya know? Things are looking a little grim in my world. I can't drive this car, constantly reminding me about how fucked up we got." That was as emotional as I was going to allow myself to get. I did not want to cry or drop to my knees and beg him to reconsider. My depressed side was ready to do anything to stop the unbearable amount of pain that would hit me so hard the moment he actually got on that jet.

"But I already towed it..." Justin whined, "And I paid for the car already. I even got the insurance on it in my name... It's set up and it's a really nice little vehicle..."

"For the love of all things good and holy..." I rolled my eyes. I guess that it could be something I could have fond memories of. At least it was something completely from him and everytime I drove it, I'd be hurt, but at the same time, I'd feel good knowing that he picked it out and made the effort to actually get it....

"Are you changing your mind?" Justin asked hopefully, knowing me too well. I shrugged.

"I guess it would make sense to just take the car," I said, "You already stole my Buick, so I don't have much of a choice." He laughed.

"Good," he smiled, "I really wanted you to have it."

"How'd you get all this done anyway?" I asked, "In less than twenty-four hours, you have a jet, you towed my car, purchased me a new one, and insured it."

"I'm just a master," he smiled, "But seriously, that was all Trace. I wouldn't be able to find my socks in the morning without him." It was a genuine, content statement that made me realize how much he missed his best friend and his family. My heart sank down to my stomach because if I couldn't compete with the women who cheated, I certainly couldn't compete with the best friend, the family, and the shot body guards.

"Well, you won't have to worry about socks anymore than, right? You've got your boy and your life back."

"But I'm losing a big chunk of my life too," Justin tried to console but I waved him off.

"I'm just a grain of sand on the entire beach," I said, "I'm nothing to worry about."

"For someone so confident, you sure put yourself down a lot."

"Keeps me humble," I joked and he frowned.

"I'm going to miss the shit out of you." I bit my bottom lip and nodded my head. My eyes welled up again, but I only let one tear fall before I wiped my face clean and sniffled. Justin hugged me again and I rested my hand over his heart, feeling it beat a little faster than normal as we squished together. He was so warm and I knew I'd miss that body laid up against me. I gave him a squeeze and he returned it with a grunt as he took the air out of my lungs with all his strength. I did not complain, but I did gasp a little before he released me. My fingers rested on his elbows and his arm rested around my waist as he took his free hand to smooth back my ponytail. I stared at his face for a moment before I told myself to fuck the world and kiss him just one last time because I deserved it.

My lips crushed on top of his like a horny amateur and he stumbled a little before regaining his balance enough to steady my face in his hands. He slowed down our kiss with his gentle and timid movements. His tongue seemingly more skilled than my own soothed me and weakened my already tired body further. I remembered every time we made love and how toe curling it was. I remembered every innocent peck he'd give me in the mornings or the not so innocent ones we'd have on the couch before he took me upstairs and ....

I had to stop. I was just torturing myself. Justin must've read my mind because he slowly pulled us apart. Our noses brushed before he kissed my forehead, went back to kiss the tip of my nose before finally kissing my cheek and pulling away. He sighed and took my hand, placing the keys he was holding to my new Lexus back into my palm before curling my fingers over them.

"You really take care of yourself." I nodded and he hugged me one last time, leaning over to whisper in my ear, "Happy Birthday, Sashy Washy." He used the nickname I hated and I didn't even correct him because I knew I'd miss that too.

In fact, I already did.