The glass was cold against my hand as I pressed my palm and finger tips to the window and stared down outside into the street. A car drove by and it was blurred by the rain that splat against the windows. Each drop resounded in the empty space of my room and added to the dreary atmosphere. It was gray out and windy. My breathing was causing some fog, but I wiped it away and continued to stare down at the asphalt, my eyes avoiding what I was really looking for... But, as always, they could not resist the shiny dark blue coat of the Lexus that was parked right below me. I purposely parked there just so I could see it everyday and feel the pain that was sharp and evident striking through my chest. It let me know that it was real. That he actually existed.

I closed my eyes, the stinging of tears still shocked me even though it's been a month and they've come every night. Morning. Afternoon. I was still adjusting. It wasn't always this bad, but on days where the rain would not cease, I remembered him. I remembered how much he made me love the rain because we'd lay in bed and listen to it. My hand over his bare chest, feeling his heart beat beneath his sculpted pecs and his arms enveloping me. I'd just close my eyes and sigh with this feeling of being so content and relaxed.

Now I sigh with frustration and nostaglia. A longing for what was and could've been. I wondered if I had told him I had loved him, would he have stayed. I wondered if I told him and he left anyway, would I have just hurt more. I wondered and wondered and it wasn't the wondering that bothered me, it was the never knowing. I would never get the answers because he had gone home and settled comfortably into his old life without a care in the world about how I was doing.

I know that I told him not to worry, but I was expecting him to at least call and tell me he was okay. The flight was fine. He was settled. I was expecting him to ask me if I was okay, but nothing. The snow melted and washed away with the rain and he didn't think to call. I didn't have his number, but mine never changed. He knew it by heart as Matthew... I was sure he didn't forget it. Or maybe he did... Though he still could've asked, not that I had asked him for his.

I shook my head at my jumbled thoughts. I didn't want to think any more. All I did was think and it was the culprit for my sadness and my insomnia. I was sleepless for the first few nights since his departure, now I sleep and wake up at unreasonable hours because all I see is his face and hear his words of goodbye.

I wanted to just stay asleep. The deepest sleep where you didn't dream or wake up remembering a dream. I wanted to stay like that forever because it was easier than being awake. It was easier than dealing with the mind numbing pain of heart break. I shook my head, letting my tears fall and appear to be rain to anybody walking in the street and glancing up at the strange woman in the window. I let them fall because I was tired of pretending I wasn't dying inside. I was tired of pretending that I didn't miss him as much as I did. I was tired of trying to be Miss. Independent when I was too distraught these days to scramble eggs without burning them.

I closed my eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply to calm myself. I was a fucking mess and I knew it. A part of me was so angry for being this weak. I wish that I were stronger. I wish I could have some control over myself and not have gotten that deep into him when I knew that he'd go. What the hell was I thinking? How could I be stupid enough to believe the snowball chance in hell notion that everybody would just forget about him and leave him right with me?

Before I could even begin beating myself up into the mental bloody pulp I deserved, the slamming of a truck door cut through the pitter pattering rain. My eyes popped open and stared down at the street. A brown UPS truck was blocking my little one way street as it idled itself beside my car. I saw a delivery man jogging to the back and hopping into the open trunk part before jumping back out and running toward my house. I raised a brow. A package? For me? Maybe he had the wrong address.

The doorbell rang and I slid from the window sill and made my way across my room, down the hall, and quickly down the stairs. I wiped my face, but figured I looked like shit anyhow before I opened the door. The wind and rain blew into my door and wet my face and feet as the man squinted and held out a box.

"Package for Sa-Sash-"

"Sasheirah," I supplied, taking the box from his hands as he handed me the electrical device to sign.

"Have a good day, Ma'am." He gave me a once over just oozling with pity and I offered a small, fake smile before he jogged off to his truck, hopped inside, and drove away. Even though it was cold out, the air felt good and it wasn't until Bob meowed that I realized I was standing in just a white t-shirt that belonged to Matthew and the rain was soaking me. I shut the door for the sake of my cat and carried the package against my chest as I made my way to the couch. I plopped down and placed the package on my lap, staring at the brown box with no return address. Just my info and nothing else. I hoped it wasn't a bomb before I tore the tape from it and opened it.

I picked up a white envelope that was tucked inside, placed on top of a black box just as big as the original box it was in, tied in white ribbon. The envelope had nothing written on the front or back so I just tore it open. Inside was a birthday card. It was white and had a cupcake with rainbow sprinkles on it. They reflected in the light and I smirked. It was cute. I flipped it open and there was a side full of handwritten words, loopey, but readable. I glanced at the end, it was signed 'Justin' and I frowned. My heart ached with joy and sadness as I braced myself to read the words.

His number was written at the bottom and my stomach knotted up. As much as I wanted to hear from him, I didn't know what to say. I wondered if that were a cell phone number or the number to his house. The house he shares with his fiance. His cheating, miscarrying fiance who's better than me and worth fighting for. My bottom lip quiver as my tears fell silently. I placed the card aside, taking the black box out of its cardboard covering. I tossed the empty box on the floor because placing the smooth, ribbon covered one onto my lap. I ran my hands over it and wondered what was inside before finally taking apart the knot and lifting the lid.

It was like a mini-maze from the top view, random things separated by little cardboard walls. It was annoyingly neat, like Matthew. There was a wide section that held two gift cards. One was for Target, $300 dollars. I sighed; he was so damn stubborn. There was a little post it attached:

Fine, I resigned, I could just use it to pay my bill. The other gift card was to Payless. It was for $100 dollars. Again, another post-it:

Then there was a long, baby blue Tiffany's box and I paused before picking it up. It better not be another car, I thought before I read the post it attached.

I laughed to myself before pulling it open. There was a white paper folded thinly to fit in the box and as I pulled it off, I gasped at the silver charm bracelet. My girlie side was in completely awe as I pulled it out of the box gently and ran my fingers over every charm. They were random and I was confused before I remembered the white paper. I pulled it open.

There was a list of the cham and it's meaning and I started at the top. It was a snowman, small diamonds for the buttons on his tiny jacket and a top hat.

I rolled my eyes, but smiled to myself as I found a 'M'. That one was more obvious.

"Me too," I said aloud, feeling my tears start up again. I shook my head and regained my composure. Next in line was a detailed hamburger. The sesame seeds on the silver bun were little diamonds as well.

I chuckled. He always ate off my plate, claiming it tasted better coming from me. I never understood him for that, but I always jokingly got mad and slapped his hand away. I sniffled and touched the curvy 'S' charm that was just for me.

It must mean nothing because he's not sitting here with me, telling me all these sweet things. I shook my head. He had to know this would hurt. Every charm. Especially the last.

The note was finished, but my tears were streaming down my face. I wanted to hug, kiss, and slap him all at once. Why was he doing this? Did he not know it was hard enough and now a charm bracelet is custom made with every memory of us hanging from it in an enchanting way. I shook my head, needing to do more with myself than cry. I needed to get out of this godforsaken house and out of these wet clothes. Out of this fucking rut.

I stood with abrupt determination, my mood swings giving me whiplash, and headed upstairs to my room. I grabbed some jeans and a white t-shirt along with some undies that didn't match. I took the quickest shower before bunning up my hair and throwing on some hoops after I dressed. I jogged downstairs again with a pair of white socks in my hand, balled up as I rushed for no reason into my living room. I opened up the coat closest and pushed my jackets aside as I knelt down in search of my Reeboks. My eyes landed on my Chucks for just a brief second before I grabbed my running shoes, stood, and grabbed my black rain coat from one of the hangers.

Two seconds later, I was wearing my sneaks and buttoning the the final button of my jacket. Bob looked perplexed, but I didn't think much about it. In fact, I wasn't thinking much at all. The emptiness of my head made me feel like everything was okay again. The box on the couch full of memories and him was just a box and I gave my faithful cat a rub down before grabbing the giftcards, my wallet, and my keys.

Even with my weatherproof jacket and hood up, I ran through the rain. The car was gleaming and looked so inviting that I couldn't wait to get in. I disabled the alarm and unlocked the doors before slipping inside of its black leather interior. The smell was still new and I didn't want to put any freshner in it to ruin its natural seemed. It reminded me of Matthew and how he never wore cologne. It was refreshing and completely him and I owed my car that same respect. It was all that I had left.

Before I could cry, I started up my car, grateful that it didn't need to warm, before I put it in drive. I didn't know why I decided to travel up to the Target near Aramingo Ave, it was completely out of the way, but I had somehow ended up there. I parked and ran my hand over the steering wheel before stepping outside. I ran to the entrance and was surprised to see it was really crowded for a rainy Wednesday. It looked like a Friday, but apparently I wasn't the only one trying to escape the dreariness of the rain.

My eyes scanned the area and I found the customer service desk and waited for the woman ahead of me to finish before walking up to the counter.

"Good afternoon," the woman, probably in her forties, greeted as I smirked and nodded.

"How are you?" I politely replied.

"I'm good," she smiled, "How can I help you today, Ma'am?" I fumbled with the giftcard in my back pocket before searching for my Target card as I spoke.

"I just wanted to make a payment," I said, finally yanking the thing from its tight slot, "Using the giftcard."

She nodded, taking both cards from my hands before looking up at me, "Three hundred?" I nodded and she swiped my Target card before handing it back to me. I placed the card back into my wallet before she spoke again. "Umm, Miss, there's no payment to be made."

"What?" I asked, confused, "The giftcard doesn't work?" It would be too cruel of a joke for Matthew to play, unless he honestly thought I'd never used it. I felt myself recoiling from embarassment.

"No, that's not it," she assured, "It's just that your bill has been paid. You don't owe Target anything."

"I had about 1500 dollars on that card," I said in disbelief.

"Well, last week somebody made a payment of 1, 456 dollars and 26 cents," she shrugged, "A credit card from a .... Matthew Hanes? That your husband?" My heart lept in my chest as I opened my mouth to speak and closed it right up when nothing came out. "Ma'am, was that unauthorized? Does someone have access to your account without your knowledge? I can put a hold on the card or-"

"No, no," I said, finally, "It's fine. I'm just surprised that he... my husband, paid the whole thing." She laughed and nodded.

"That's the kinda husband I'm talking about," she handed me my giftcard, "Is there anything else you need help with today?" I shook my head, thanked her, and walked right back outside, through the rain, and into my car. I didn't know if I was happy or not. I figured I was still in shock, but reasoned that I shouldn't be. Justin was full of surprises. Matthew was too, but his surprises weren't this expensive. Matthew made me breakfast at absurd hours of the night and Justin brought me Lexus cars and paid my bills. Both were too kind gesture and both made me uncomfortable with butterflies aching my stomach. Both were from one man I missed terribly.

When I finally got home, I ran upstairs and jumped beneath my covers, scaring the shit out of Bob who jetted off my bed and down the hall in blind fear. I didn't bother chasing him, I had a birthday card in my hand and a cell phone in the other. It took me a moment, but I dialed all ten digits with their weirdo area code and pressed the device to my ear. It rang about three and half times before a yawn came through the phone.

"Hello?" A groggy voice followed through and I'd recognize that morning voice anywhere. My stomach knotted up as I pulled my blanket over my lap.

"Hey... It's...umm..."

"Hold on, hold on," he said before I heard some shuffling and sighing. I waited, trying to think of something to say. Like my name, for instance. "You there?"

"Yeah, I'm here," I answered quickly, "It's Sasheirah."

"Oh, hey!" an excited, but hushed tone came from him and he no longer sounded half asleep. "It's so good to hear from you."

"Yeah, sorry if I woke you," I said, "It's like noon though Justin. You need to get on that."

"Actually, darlin', it's nine in the morning in California," I frowned at the news, "Time zones." A light bulb went off in my head and I felt completely embarassed.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't even think about that," I apologized, "I could call you lat-"

"No, no," Justin immediately dismissed, "Now's fine. I wanna talk to you. Besides, I need to eat and get ready for my run." I nodded, unable to imagine him getting up and running.

"Damn, you can run now, gramps?" I teased, "Look at you acting all brand new." Justin chuckled.

"Yeah, I am," he was smiling and I could hear it in his tone, "I feel brand new, ya know? Still adjusting. It's weird."

"How?" I asked.

"I don't know..." he sighed, "It's like... I remember waking up next to you in your little row home in the middle of north philly everyday for two months straight with Bob at my toes and now... Now I have like ten dogs...a mansion... king size bed-"

"Jessica," I inserted and he paused. I paused. It sounded bitter, even to me.

"Yeah, Jessica," he agreed, "It's just different."

"Yeah, I'm still adjusting too," I offered, "Even Bob's confused, I think."

"Aw, Bob," Justin murmurred nostalgically, "How's my cat doing?"

"My cat is just fine, thank you very much," I joked. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good, I guess," he told me and I felt as uncertain about that as he sounded, "It's a lot harder than I thought though."

"Well, you have to give yourself more time. It's been only a month. You have to take baby steps when you're adjusting to your life again."

"Well, yeah, that too, but I was referring to being away from you," he said, making my heart jump, "I miss your sarcastic, mean, and beautiful self. I keep wanting to pick up the phone and just call you over dumb shit, but I know that I can't... It's not really my place anymore."

"Says who?"

"Says... I don't know," he chuckled to himself, "It just seemed really wrong of me to want to be in your face 24/7 knowing that I did you the way I did."

"You didn't do anything," I assured, "You had to go home. It's where you belong. I know that and I don't blame you for it... I do blame you for not calling for a month though. I thought you forgot about lil' ol' me."

"See, I think I'm doing the right thing by giving you space, but instead, I fuck it up," he ranted, "And how could I forget you, Sash? If I have to call you everyday to let you know that I miss you, I will. I'm so down for that." I laughed at his enthusiasm as I felt my ego boost in his words.

"Well, don't get stalker on me or anything," I joked, "I'm down for a phone call here and there. It doesn't have to be everyday... Maybe every other."

"Done," he finalized, "So... how are you?" I felt the hidden meaning in his questioning and I hesitated to spill my guts out. I didn't want to scare him with my moaning and groaning about being in a state of depression that was as terrible as when Angel left me.

"I'm... alive, I guess," I offered dully, causing Justin to elicit a disapproving grunt.

"Sash..."

"I'm fine, Justin, really," I assured falsely, "I'm still adjusting, but I won't be jumping off any bridges any time soon."

"That's reassuring," he said sarcastically and I rolled my eyes. "You eating and sleeping good?"

"I'm fine, Pops," I smiled, "Relax. You're not that amazing." It was a lie and I'm sure he knew it, but he didn't make a comment on it.

"Well, can I tell you something?"

"Of course." A moment of silence before a sigh.

"I don't know..." he trailed off, his voice sounding like my nephew's five year old self when he's sad and doesn't understand. My chest tightened. I did not want him to be sad.

"What is it?" I gently asked and pressed the phone closer to my ear.

"Maybe it's too soon to actually tell, but... I feel like... I can't."

"You can't?" I asked, confused, "You can't what?"

"Work things out with Jess," he clarified and bit my bottom lip to let out a cheer. I didn't speak for a while, not knowing what I should say. I can't tell him it'll work because I didn't necessarily want it to, but I didn't want to tell him it won't work and to just come back to me because I'd be putting myself out there.

"Oh," I finally offered, and Justin laughed.

"Oh?" he asked, "Wow."

"I just don't know what to say," I answered honestly and he sighed.

"You should say..." he pondered for a moment, "Don't worry, Justin. You and Jess will be fine. Everything will work out if you give it more time. Don't give up."

"Okay, then everything you just said."

"Thanks," he chuckled lightly again, "The messed up part is that I know how bad she wants this. I know how hard she's working. I know how hard I've been trying, but .... It's not the same. And I know that it's never going to be the same, but I don't know if I can settle for having that little glitch in our past. I don't know if I'm a big enough person to say, 'You fucked up, but I can forget it', ya know?"

"Not really," I shrugged, "Angel's whole fiasco's pretty much the center of my hatred."

Justin laughed. "Well, he's a douchebag, but Jess really isn't," he sighed, "I don't know what to do."

"I don't want to give you advice on somethig that I know nothing about," I said, "But I know you're smart and reasonable. Just do what your gut tells you to do and if your heart agrees, than go with it. Don't do something because you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings or you think it's just the right thing to do. Do it because it makes you happy."

"That was beautiful," Justin told me, as I pressed the phone closer to my ear and pretended he was in the room with me instead of thousands of millions away. "But I think I need to clear my head for a little bit. Take a bit of a vacation."

"Vacation?" I laughed, "You think that your family's going to let you out of their sight after your two month disappearance."

"They will if I tell them where I'm going," Justin said, "Besides, I'm a grown ass man."

I laughed at the notion. "Well, have fun with that."

"I will," he assured, "So... you got any room on that couch for me?" I furrowed my brows.

"Why?" I asked, "You making a pit stop before your little vacay?"

"Sweetheart, you are my vacation," Justin chuckled, "I'm coming to see you."