The stairs creaked beneath him as he shifted his weight from one leg to another. I didn't even know how long it was from the moment I spoke my piece to now, but I didn't really want to know. Silence wasn't a good thing. He didn't fall over and have a heart attack, which would've at least given him an excuse to be this quiet, so it's even worse. My stomach was twisting up with so much embarrassment and regret that I wished that the stair beneath me would open up and swallow me whole.

I glanced over to my left and stared down at the sofa through the railing. I should've stopped right there. I should've stopped at my lie, even if he didn't believe me. It would've brought me some time. It would've prevented this immense amount of dread from ripping through me.

"Sash." My head snapped in his direction, looking him straight in the eye with fear and anxiousness. I wish I had better control of my body because if I didn't look up at him, I wouldn't have been able to see the look on his face. The look of sympathy. The look of pity.

He pitied me.

That wasn't good. My stomach was nauseated. I wanted so slap myself over and over. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

"Okay," I said, raising my hand to keep him from speaking. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to be babied and cooed to. "It's fine. I understand." My heart was pounding off the last of its hope and replaced the void with sadness.

"Let me just explain," he pleaded as I tried to walk forward. Too bad he was blocking my path. I would have to brush past him to get up. I didn't even want to be near him. I didn't even want to think that he actually existed. I wanted this to be a horrible nightmare I'd wake up from and laugh about later.

"I really don't want to know," I said truthfully, staring at the stairs harder than ever. Why did I stop here of all places? He was impossible to get around.

"Sash, it's not you," he said, making me wince. I didn't need that fucking line. He was making it worse.

"I know, I know, it's you, right?" I finished hurriedly, "I'd like to go to bed now."

"Sash-"

"I'm sorry, but you have to sleep down here," I told him. He sighed.

"I figured that," he mumbled.

"I can't walk through you," I mumbled back, but he didn't move an inch.

"Sash, I know that I love you," he said and I shook my head.

"I really don't want to hear this," I argued, reaching up to cover my ears like a stubborn five year old. He gripped my wrists before I could and pulled them down to my sides. I gasped at the sudden contact, looking up at him in surprise. He loosened up his grip, probably thinking he was hurting me. He actually was, but the pain in my chest was blocking any other feeling.

"I'm sorry, but you have to hear me out," he said, letting go of my wrists completely. I looked away from his gaze the moment he did, no longer held captive. He apparently wasn't in the mood for my step gazing because he reached up and held my face in both his warm hands. They were clammy against my cheeks, but I didn't complain.

"Go ahead," I finally relented, knowing he wouldn't let me pass until got his little speech off of his chest.

"Thank you," he said, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I love you, Sash, I do... But it hasn't really been that long for us, so I'm not even sure what that love is. I don't know if it's even really love." That hurt despite my hard exterior. I bit my bottom lip. How could he possibly doubt something I'm so sure of? Everyday I love the man more and he doesn't even know if he has love for me at all.

"Thanks, that's what I needed to hear..." I muttered sarcastically. "Can I go to bed now?"

"Don't take that the wrong way, I didn't mean that I don't love you at all. I just mean that I'm trying to distinguish loving you as a friend and actually being in love with you," he tried to explain, but it wasn't helping me at all. "I love Jessica too." I turned my gaze to the wall, fighting the tears. Justin stroked my cheek with his thumb to get my attention, but I didn't turn. He sighed and went on. "I love her and I love you and that's not fair or sensible, so I need to figure out what I'm doing here. I need to figure what each love means. I've been with Jessica for a long time and I've been with you for a couple of months..."

I sniffled and rolled my eyes. "I know that makes me look like shit compared to her-"

"No!" he quickly denied, "Sasheirah, don't ever think that just because I've known you for less time that you don't compare." He snorted a laugh. "You... you don't know how much easier this would be if that were the case."

I slowly moved my gaze from the wall to his face again. "I don't know what to do or feel or say..."

"I don't either," Justin shrugged. "I know that when I'm with you... I feel so good. Like . . . real good. Just...myself, and that's so hard for me to say because there are literally a handful of people who make me feel like that and all of them are family... I mean... I even play a role with Jessica. I have to pretend like I don't think about her and this other guy, but it's mostly what's running through my mind when I'm with her-"

"Then why are you with her?" I asked, feeling a sense of relief now that the question that's been plaguing my mind was going to get answered. "Why are you with somebody who did something that awful to you?" I didn't even try to hold back my confusion and disapproval. Everything was out there. I might as well put it all on the line.

"It's really not that simple..." he said softly, "Somebody could easily ask you the same thing about me." I furrowed my brows.

"How does cheating pertain to you and I?"

"Not cheating, but doing something awful," he clarified, "Sash, I left you and I know you hate it when I say that, but it's true. I know how much of you went into caring about me - how much of you still does - and I told you goodbye anyway. I didn't hesitate because I said that I had to go back to Jessica because we were together longer and that was that. If I were you, I would've deemed myself a douche bag and never would've spoken to me again."

"You had to leave."

"I could've had to stay with you too," he said, "But I made a decision that day that I was leaving to be with Jessica and that you and I would be friends. I made a choice...A choice that I shouldn't have made so quickly. I choice I sometimes regret."

"I don't understand why you're saying this to me," I told him with an exasperated sigh. "Are you telling me you want to be with me and you'll leave her or are you telling me...that you don't and you won't?" He looked away from me for a moment, gathering up his words before returning to my gaze.

"I'm telling you that I wish I could tear myself in two so that I didn't have to choose." I scoffed, removing his hands from my face.

"Well, you can't... have both," I told him, "And you can't expect me to wait around while you choose."

"I would never ask you to do that," he mumbled, "I don't really want to see you with anybody else though-"

"Well that's not your choice!" I yelled, scaring him and myself. The sadness seemed to disappear. I could feel the anger building. I didn't exactly know what or whom I was mad at, but it was there. "Justin, you're playing fuckin' mind games. You say that you love me, but then again, you love her too? What am I suppose to do with that? What am I suppose to say? Do I fight for you or do I give up or do I just wait around and see what happens?"

"You... you do what you feel you have to do," he said, shrugging again, "I don't really know what to say, Sash."

"Do what I feel I have to do..." I repeated, shaking my head, "I feel like I have to be with you or my chest is going to freakin' explode." His eyes warmed and his fingers flexed like they wanted to touch me, but fought against the urge.

"You don't even want to know what I feel," he smirked, like I missed some inside joke. "I'm surprised I haven't gotten myself in trouble yet."

I shook my head again. He was completely unreal. How could he say stuff like that with a straight face and expect me not to get my hopes up? "I hate that you're so complicated."

"I'm sorry," he apologized, "I don't mean to be."

"I don't understand..." I said tiredly, "Why are you trying so hard to fix what she messed up?"

"I'm not the only one trying," he said, "Jessica is working so hard and she's being so perfect right now-"

"Yeah, right now," I emphasized, "But what about later?" He shrugged.

"I dunno," he told me simply, "I just don't want to be the one to make assumptions about the future because of the past. We all made our mistakes."

"Stepping on somebody's foot is a mistake," I argued, "Spelling a word wrong or confusing a stranger as somebody you know is a mistake. Getting on your back and spreadin' 'em, that's not a mistake."

"Sash, wouldn't you want to be forgiven if you did the same to me?"

"I wouldn't have to worry about that because I would never cheat on you," I said with certainty.

"I wouldn't expect you to, but that's when it happens - when we least it expect it."

"Oh, so now I'm going to cheat on you too?" I asked in disbelief.

"No, I'm not saying that," he said, "I'm just saying that if you did, you would like it if I gave you the second chance."

"You don't have to give someone a second chance in order to forgive them."

"So you wouldn't give me a second chance?" he asked, "If I cheated on you?"

"Would you cheat on me?" I shot back.

"It's highly unlikely. People who cheat are unsatisfied in their relationships in some way and I can't imagine ever being unsatisfied with you or anybody else I choose to be with because once I love somebody, they're pretty much it for me." I wanted to slap him for that one. If once he loved somebody, that's it, why am I still waiting on the sidelines to see what happens?

"I can't imagine Jessica being unsatisfied."

"Well... I work a lot," he told me, "I was rarely home around that time."

"You were around enough to possibly impregnate her." He looked down at the steps and my heart ached a little more when I saw the pain flash across his face.

"True..." he said, "But people get lonely."

"Don't excuse her," I demanded. "If she were lonely, she should've called you."

"Probably, but I also should've called her more and worked out my schedule better so that I could see her for longer periods of time rather than just a day or two in a row," he said, "I made mistakes too, Sash. I'm not perfect." All I heard was Angel in my head, badgering me about his 'needs' and how they weren't being met because of my crazy schedule. Didn't I get lonely too? Didn't I have needs as well?

"I know that, but you don't deserve to get cheated on."

"I think you've built me up too much in your head," he smirked. "I kinda set myself up for these things."

"Justin, you're annoying and clingy and freakishly neat," I said, "You sing obnoxiously in the shower, regardless of the time or who's sleeping, you talk with food in your mouth, and you eat and take things without permission. You're cocky and overly romantic, and too optimistic, sometimes to the point of being unrealistic, and you're completely indecisive a large percentage of the time - for example: whether or not you love me; and you don't take no for an answer when you really want to get your way-"

"Wow, is that all?" he smiled.

"You're also really sarcastic," I smiled softly in return, but it fell, "None of those reasons are reason enough to accept being cheated on. None of those reasons are enough to put yourself through the torture of forgiving somebody of cheating through a second chance at the relationship."

"It's not torture," he sighed, "Jessica is really great... Under different circumstances, I think you'd like her."

"I doubt it," I argued, "Cheaters and I don't get along very well."

"Fair enough, but honestly, she can be really great," he muttered. I rolled my eyes as pangs of jealousy stabbed my stomach. "She's trying so hard."

"Then give her a damn 'A' for effort!" I barked, "Don't waste your time being with her. I mean... Could you ever really trust her again? You're going to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your relationship, wondering where she's going and whom she's seeing... If Angel hadn't left me, I would have never taken him back because I would be climbing up the walls with paranoia."

"Very true, but Jessica's worrying too," he said, "She cheated and she's trying to fight for me and I take a vacation a month after I just got home. A month after we just started to try and make things work, I go visit a friend - a female friend - she's never met before. What do you think she's thinking right now?" I shrugged, not wanting to give him the answer. "She thinks that I'm banging some nameless broad right now just to spite her and she can't say a thing to me because she feels so guilty about cheating. She actually told me I had permission to do it because it would serve her right." He laughed at how absurd it was and shook his head. "I guess I am kind of doing that."

"Doing what?" I asked.

"Taking advantage of my get-out-cheating-free card," he told me, "At least emotionally. I cheat on her with you everyday because I've allowed myself to be around you even though I know the consequences." I furrowed my brows, confused again. Was I anything else around Justin these days?

"What consequences?" I asked. He sighed, like I was so slow that I frustrated him and reached for my hand. He stared at my fingers as he idly played with them. His fingers moved forward, smoothing up my arms and back down again. I shivered involuntarily at his touch and he smirked.

"If I'm not in love with you now, Sash," he said softly, "I'm certain that I'm falling. Really fast. It's actually scaring me a bit. I've never been so close to cheating on someone in my life." I was a bit shocked by his words, but quickly recovered.

"You don't have to be scared of what you're feeling," I said, moving up to him. My hands rested on his hips as I stood on a stair higher so that we were eye to forehead. The ratio would never be quite right. I was ridiculously short. "Justin, you can just be with me..." I tilted my head a bit, my lips dangerously close to his. I felt light headed. When did I move in this much?

"I can't just leave-" He cut his sentence short when I kissed the corner of his mouth. "Sash, please." He wanted me to pull away, but I refused. I kissed the other side of his mouth instead.

"I didn't say leave her," I clarified, leaning back a bit to look him in the eye. "I just said be with me." His eyes glanced down at my lips and back at me. Somehow, I lost my mind. A part of me thought that I could have him now. In this fleeting moment, I could have him. A couple of hours of toe curling sex and I'd at least solidify that he wanted me. Really wanted me.

His eyes washed over me with a look of consideration and passion as his thumb ran across my full lips. I kissed it and brushed my cheek against his hand as it rested on the side of my face. Warm and soft. I missed just being this close to him. I denied myself so much physical contact and now... Now I wanted it all. I wanted his hands and lips and. body everywhere. I didn't want him to miss a single spot.

I didn't realize I had closed my eyes until I had to open them to look up at his baby face. He looked sad now. His eyes were still dark and lustful, but he was hesitant. I panicked a bit, taking his hand gently from my face and kissing his palm. He sighed, again brushing my lips with his fingers.

"I don't want to hurt anybody," he told me in a whisper, sounding ashamed. I felt my guilt rise. I tried to swallow it down.

"Somebody always gets hurt anyway," I said, not entirely sure why I did, but I said it nonetheless. It didn't seem to help my case any. He pulled his hand away slowly and looked to the side, away from my pleading face.

"I don't want to be that guy to you or Jessica," he said, clearing his throat nervously. "I'm sorry, Sash." The stinging of rejection shot through me as I nodded. He didn't turn to face me as he backed up, giving us normal distance again and a path for me to walk upstairs. I knew I shouldn't have been so sad and shocked, but I was. A part of me had leaned heavily on the fact that he'd at least want me physically. He was a man, after all, but I Justin wasn't normal. He was complicated, even in simple cases of sexual desire.

I didn't say anything as I turned and took the last few steps upstairs. I glanced over the banister as I walked up the hall to my room. Justin was still standing there, staring off to the side. I turned away from the scene as crept into my room. I quickly hit the light switch to darken the room. I didn't want to get a clear view of myself as I passed my bureau's mirror. The tears were flooding my face now and I knew I looked a hot mess. It wouldn't help my self-esteem much to see myself like that.

I slid into my bed and laid my head on my pillow. The smell of his cologne and Irish Springs soap lingered on it. My tears came a little faster and a sob escaped my throat. I wasn't really regretful. I wasn’t really feeling stupid for telling him. I did feel sad. I felt sad because I knew that nothing would be good again. I felt sad because I knew that his plan to extend his vacation was over. I knew that our friendship, facade or not, would cease to exist.

I couldn't stand to be his friend and now that he knew, I couldn't even pretend that friendship was fine. It was all or nothing and since I certainly couldn't have it all, I was stuck with nothing in return. That is what my tears were for. That's why I couldn't stop the sobs from coming. That's why Justin being able to hear me didn't make me want to stop.

It was all over.

-----------------------------------------------

I woke up the next morning with a tear stained face. My eyes were tight and narrow as the sun blazed across my room. For a moment in my sleepy haze, the light of the sun was refreshing and reassuring, but everything from last night came crashing into me as I turned to stretch in my empty bed. I yawned and blinked my eyes into focus as I sat up while rubbing my face.

Everything looked the same. My room was how it was for as long as I could remember, and yet, it was changed completely. I slipped from the bed, tripping on my laptop cord as I turned towards the door. I caught myself against the door and shook my head. That's the way to start my day - completely off balance. How symbolic?

I crept down the hall quietly, but I heard the morning news on downstairs. He was still here. I sighed, a part of me wishing he'd gotten on his plane and flew away in the middle of the night, but another part of me glad to see him one last time. I shook my head and focused on going to the bathroom. I washed up and changed back in my room before walking downstairs. My gray shorts and white tank would be the last thing he'd see me in. My ponytail and hoop earrings would be my hairstyle and jewelry of his memory. Should I have worn something more appropriate? A black dress maybe? It was a funeral after all. Something certainly died.

"Hey..." Justin greeted as my foot hit the last stair. His voice washed over me as I turned to face him. He sat on the edge of the couch, a mug of coffee in his hands. He wore of a gray t-shirt and dark blue jeans. His feet were covered in fresh white Nikes and a Yankee's baseball cap was tossed haphazardly on the cushion beside him. His luggage was neatly tucked in the corner by the door. I noticed it on my way down the steps.

"Hey," I greeted back, trying to sound nonchalant, "You leaving?" He nodded, glancing at the luggage by the door and back at me.

"Mike's on his way," he said, "I was going to wake you when he came."

"I would've understood if you didn't," I said, staring at the floor.

"I wouldn't leave like that," he assured as I met his gaze again, "I feel bad for leaving now."

"I didn't expect you to stay."

"I'm running away from you," he laughed at himself in embarrassment, "You probably already know that."

"Yeah..." I said, trailing off.

"I don't know when I'm coming back," he told me as I sat on the couch beside him. I kept a reasonably distance when I did so.

I shrugged, not really knowing what to say. "I won't be holding my breath." He nodded despite the pained look on his face. "Don't get me wrong... I'll miss you, but I can't keep this up. I can't keep torturing myself. I feel like if you stay around, it'll just get worse. I don't want you to go, but I can't have you stay either."

"I know and that's why I'm leaving," he told me sadly, "I don't want to hurt you Sash. It's selfish to keep myself around you knowing that you feel the way you do and knowing I feel the way I do. I'm not giving you or Jessica a chance. I don't think I deserve either one of you."

"I think that you need to not be so hard on yourself. None of this is your fault," I assured, coming to a realization. "You and I weren't supposed to cross paths. I know that Matthew had this messed up theory that this was destiny, but the universe isn't kind enough to give us second chances at life. You can't scream 'Do over!' and get your mistakes erased so you don't have to worry about the past. It might've worked when we were kids, but adults are far more complex. You should know that better than anyone."

"You're right, but you're wrong, Sash," he said, "I think I was suppose to meet you."

"Yeah, so I could save your sorry ass from freezing to death outside," I said, "That's about it though. We're not together. We're not even friends, really..."

"We always sucked at giving each other titles," Justin mumbled, "I guess you're right."

"I usually am," I joked and he smiled weakly in return. We sat in silence until his phone rang and Mike told him he was outside. He hung up and stood as I did the same, following him to the door as he picked up his luggage piece by piece. He turned to face me once he got all his bags in hands.

"Well, I guess we say goodbye," he announced. I walked up and kissed his cheek tenderly before pulling away.

"Goodbye, Justin," I said, "Have a good flight and. life." The last word choked out of my throat and Justin furrowed his brows in concern.

"Goodbye, Sash," he said softly, "Take care of you." I fought tears as flashbacks of our first goodbye ran through my mind. It felt so fresh and the wounds tore open as he stared down at me in silence. I nodded my head staring at his chest as I willed my tears back. Fucking hell, I hated this part. I always hated this part.

Justin seemed to hate it too as he suddenly dropped all of his bags wrapped me tightly into his arms. He lifted me off the ground for a moment before placing me back on the floor. He didn't stop hugging me though. I squeezed him tightly, knowing that engraving his scent into my brain would cause me a great deal of pain later, but I couldn't stop. I wanted to remember him, just a little longer.

He held me for a moment more before leaning back to kiss my cheek and forehead. His lips lingered on my head a second longer than normal before he pulled completely away. He looked me over, up and down, and stared into my eyes. Mike beeped outside impatiently and he sighed in annoyance.

"Don't keep him waiting," I told him with a weak smile. My cheeks wet with silent tears. Justin wiped my face off with his hands before picking up his luggage again quickly. I walked around him to open the door, seeing the oversize black Suburban double-parked by my Lexus. Mike waved him towards the car and Justin rolled his eyes and turned back to me.

"I'm really sorry," he told me and I nodded.

"Me too." He looked me over one last time before he turned reluctantly and headed down the stairs. Mike exited the car to help him with his bags. Justin slipped into the backseat, waving at me one last time before closing the door behind him. I just smiled weakly back as Mike gave me a friendly wave and hopped into the driver's seat. The car started and I back into my house before the SUV's horn stopped my footsteps.

Before I could understand what was going on, Justin flew out of the car and ran towards me. His hands latched onto the side of my face before his lips crashed on top of mine. My breath caught in my throat as he ravished my mouth with his own. It took me a minute to fall into rhythm with him, but I moaned when I did, gripping his hair in my small hands. His hands gripped my waist as he kissed me deeply. His tongue ran smoothly against mine before his kisses grew more languid and fleeting. I tried to kiss again with the same feverish passion his started with, but he had successfully detached me from him. His mouth was red and wet from our kiss and I could feel my lips swell as well. He held my chin in his hands and looked me in the eyes, both of us trying to catch our breath.

"I guess that's cheating, but I'll never get to kiss you again," he told me, "I had to do it one last time." I moved up quickly and kissed him again. My lips moved his until he whimpered. I pulled back and brushed our noses as I stood on the tips of my toes.

"I love you," I said, staring him right into his eyes, "I had to say it one last time." He swallowed audibly and gave me a peck on the lips before pulling away. He walked silently down the stairs as I watched. I wanted to tell him to come back, but I knew that he wouldn't. He did, however, stop before he entered the car to toss me a carefree smile as if this were a good thing. I had to smile back because I wanted him to see this when he thought of me - a smile on my face and love in my heart.

I watched him get into his fancy SUV. The sound of it closing seemed louder than usual on my empty block. It resounded in my head and chest. My knees buckled at the sound and I gripped the doorframe to keep myself balanced. The reality of the situation weighed heavily on my shoulders as the car jetted away. I wondered if Mike were impatient or if Justin requested a hurried exit. Was he fighting against the urge to give me one last kiss or was Mike not willing to bare witness any further public displays of affection?

I bit my bottom lip as it quivered, tears blinding my vision. What the hell did it matter anyway? He was gone now. Back to her. Away from me. Just like it was suppose to be.