At first glance, Jessica was an average girl. I wasn't intimidated by her beauty. I thought her face was plain, but pretty. She wasn't going to stop traffic with her smile, but she'd make you go 'Oh, she's so cute' before you move along. Her personality was sweet, but not the most charismatic one - like Claire's. She didn't instantly make you love her, but she made you like her enough. She wasn't the least bit threatening. I wasn't scared of her form. She was taller than me (like most) but she didn't have a hard edge to her. She didn't seem like the one to walk away from a fight, but she didn't seem like the type to start one either. I liked that Jessica. I liked the harmless, pretty-faced sweetheart Jessica.
The Jessica in front of me now - not so much.
"Hey, babe, you getting in?" Justin called to me as I sat on a lawn chair by his poolside.
I lifted my sunglasses after shifting my vision from her, "Nah, I think I'll stay put." He wrinkled his nose and pouted.
"You suck," he childishly chastised and I shrugged.
"You never complained before," I joked, making Trace howl with laughter as the rest of the adults laughed as well.
"She has you there, Jay," Lynn chuckled. Justin winked at me before diving into the pool, all smiles. The chattering around the pool continued and I slipped my sunglasses back down to glare at Jessica some more. I was so angry at her today. The afternoon sun had tanned her skin perfectly, making her red string bikini look that much better on her. She was sitting next to Rachel, both of their feet in the water, talking. Everything looked like a slow motion movie sceen as Justin emerged from the water, grabbing Rachel by the waist and pulling her into the crystal clear pool.She laughed lightly and clapped happily as Justin and his cousin play fought in the water. She stood, still laughing and cheering Rachel on as she placed Justin in a headlock. She adjusted her swimsuit, walking a couple feet from where they had been sitting. Taunt abs, toned thighs, and not a flabby arm in sight...Her body was perfect, she even had a nice butt when she turned around to flip backwards into the pool.
I wanted to slap her for not even trying.
I glanced down self-consciously at my white tankini, wishing I had the abs of a greek goddess to rock a bikini instead, but as Jessica emerged from the water, glistening in the sun like a damn Sports Illustrated model, I knew that it would never happen. I frowned involuntarily, sticking my nose into my Cosmopolitan magazine to block her from my view. Two seconds didn't even go by before a raucous of laughter caused me to place my magazine down.
Trace had Elisha up on his shoulders and Jessica was up on Justin's shoulders. Elisha and Jessica were wrestling like a bunch of spring breakers as Justin and Trace tried to keep them balanced. They were all laughing happily as I felt my stomach tighten up. I wanted to slam my magazine down and tell them all to stop having fun. How dare she turn my boyfriend into a college frat boy! I narrowed my eyes, hidden beneath my shades. I felt the primitive urge to just attack her, but I had absolutely no reason for such a strong distaste towards her. She complimented my swimsuit, asked me to rub some sunblock on her back, and told me that she loved my sunglasses. She was being so damn nice that I felt bad for being a bitch to her - even if it was just in my head.
"Hey, who wants Margaritas?" Joy asked, getting a bunch of 'hell yeah's from us. It was a child-free day. John and Steve were at a cousin's house for the rest of the week. I took a few pictures with them beforehand and they both said it was nice to meet me before they had to leave. I was happy to have had they chance to spend some days with them.
I sighed to myself, watching as Elisha and Trace went tumbling down, Jessica and Justin high-fiving and cheering in victory. Jessica fell back from Justin's shoulders and swam towards Elisha to hold her head down beneath the water as they fought playfully. Justin swam over to the edge where I sat and I fixed my gaze on him. He pushed himself up from the water with just his arms. I watched as liquid cascaded down his impeccable bisceps and rippled along his abs.
Why did I feel so out of place?
"Sash, are you really gonna just stay in that chair all day?" he complained, wiping his face dry before laying in the empty chair beside me. He sighed and allowed the sun to warm his skin as he closed his eyes.
"It feels good, doesn't it?" I asked him and he shrugged.
"Pool's warm too," he pointed out, opening one eye to me, "Besides, I want to teach you the proper way to do the breast stroke." He chuckled at his own perverted joke.
"You are so lame," I laughed, "If you weren't already my boyfriend, you would've gotten a creeper label right across your forehead for that one."
"Oh, please!" he argued, "If I came up to you, smooth as I am, and laid that line on you...Girl, you'd be all over this." I raised a brow as he rubbed down his chest.
"Yeah, with pepper spray," I laughed before adding, "Oh yeah - already did that." Justin burst out laughing, grabbing the magazine from my hands to swat me on the leg with it.
"You're not funny," he said, still chuckling, "Why do you read this crap anyway?" He flipped aimlessly through the magazine.
"It tells me about my period," I joked, but he just shrugged me off.
"That doesn't scare me," he told me confidently, "This article on how an orgasm almost killed someone - a little bit." Despite his statement, he continued to read along the article, nodding here and there before laughing out loud.
"What?"
"It says that she had gotten a blood clot during her orgasm and was twitching around - but her boyfriend thought he had given her the best orgasm of her life and didn't think about calling 911 until she said she couldn't feel her legs," he was still laughing, "That man had his hopes all high. I can imagine him making that 'oh yeah..' face." He was dying laughing and I had to chuckle along because it was just that damn contagious.
"You are so silly," I commented before adding seriously, "See, when I tell you you're trying to kill, you think I'm joking. One of these days I'm gonna fuck around and pop a blood vessel because you can't keep your hands to yourself." He was laughing the whole time he rolled from his seat to right on top of me. The magazine hit the floor with a thump before he nestled between my legs - wet and cold against my skin.
"You're so warm," he cooed, kissing the tip of my nose.
"And you're so wet," I complained.
"I'm sure I can say the same for you," he hummed.
I rolled my eyes. "Justin, honestly, you're not that hot. I don't drop my panties at the sight of you." He licked his lips and smirked.
"That's 'cause you don't have any on." He emphasised his statement with a very inappropriate grope within my tankini bottom and I gasped before slapping his hand away.
"Get off of me, pervert," I playfully demanded, trying to wiggle from under him. He just laughed and held me down by my sides.
"You know you want this." I giggled as he tickled my sides, making me squirm.
"Justin!" I laughed as I weakly tried to pry his hands from my sides, but he just laughed and kept tickling me.
"Get a room!" I heard Trace shout from the pool and Justin laughed - stopping his tickling to flip Trace off.
"Shut your face, midget!" he hollered back before turning to me. "Now where were we?"
"We were at the part where I was going to tell you that if you didn't stop tickling me, my sides will be the last spot your hands will grace on this body for the remainder of my vacation."
"That's only two days," Justin pouted, "Actually, a day and a half. You have an afternoon flight." I stroked his buzzed head with my fingertips, allowing my nails to lightly graze his scalp.
"I could call Clare and work something out..." I told him softly. He smiled brightly, perking up instantly.
"Another week or two?" he happily suggested, "In fact, lets make it two weeks - we have so much to do."
"Whoa, two weeks?" I paused, my gut tightening, "I was trying to extend it by two days. I've got to work. My bills aren't gonna pay themselves."
"Baby..." Justin sighed, rolling his eyes, "I can pay your bills. That's not an issue." It was my time to roll my eyes.
"Justin, I can pay my bills," I groaned, "And I actually enjoy my job too, thank you."
"Sash, I know you can pay your bills, but if I have to help you out this month to keep you a little while longer..."
"Justin, if I keep missing work, I won't even have a job to get back to," I told him, "I'm sure the girls are sick of taking my shifts. They have lives too." Justin stared at me, his face void of emotion.
"So you don't want to stay?" he asked.
"It's not a matter of what I want to do," I said, "I have responsibilities. I can't be resting my laurels 24/7. As much as I would love to spend my days with you doing nothing else but you, I just can't. That's not how the world works."
"I know how the world works, Sash," Justin sighed, rolling off of me and onto his lawn chair. I stared at him for a moment as he closed his eyes and fell silent.
"Are you mad now?" I asked in disbelief. I don't remember saying anything wrong.
"I'm not mad," he answered curtly, clearly upset.
"Justin, I'm not gonna apologize for having work," I told him firmly, "I told you I'd try to extend it by a couple of days, but that's the best that I can do."
"Sash, don't kill yourself trying to stay longer when you obviously don't want to be here," he grumbled, "You can leave in two days like we originally planned."
"I cannot believe you," I said, a bit hurt by his indifference. He opened his eyes and looked at me.
"What can't you believe?" he asked, "You said it yourself - you have to work. So go work. I don't want you to lose your precious job." His condescending tone made me want to hit him. As if my job were insignificant. I help save lives, got damn it!
"My job is precious," I sneered, sitting up in my chair, "And I worked my ass off to get it, so I'm not about to let you guilt me into staying longer so I can lose it."
"I'm not guilting you into anything," Justin argued, sitting up as well, "I shouldn't have to guilt my girlfriend into spending time with me."
"Don't act like I don't want to be here, Justin, because I am here. I got a fucking plane and flew across the country to spend a week with you-"
"Yeah, after I practically begged you," he interrupted.
"Yeah, you're right. You did have to beg since I couldn't trust how you felt about me since you've been an indecisive asshole since the day I've met you -"
"I'm the indecisive asshole?!" he screeched, "You've got to be kidding me, Sash!"
"Well I'm not!" I shouted, "Justin, do not try and pin everything on me-"
"Of course not because Miss. Independent can do no wrong-"
"Oh, I'm sorry that I can't just quit my job and be your perfect little housewife and let you take care of me, Justin-"
"You don't even let me buy you coffee in the morning, Sash," he groaned, "That's just ridiculous-"
"Why can't you just be happy that I can take care of myself and I'm not some gold digger trying to milk you for what you have?"
"So if a girlfriend lets her boyfriend buy her coffee she's a got damn gold digger?" he asked, "Are you serious right now 'cause you cannot be serious."
"All I know is that I've been taking care of myself for a very long time now and I'm not about to stop just because you want me to."
"You can take care of yourself, Sash. I don't give a damn, but let me help you every once in a while. Let me take care of you and love you... God, I don't even feel like a man half the time the way you just have to take control of every single thing-"
I growled in frustration, cutting him off. "I'm sorry that you measure your manhood based on what your girlfriend lets you buy her because that's just -"
"I don't 'measure' my manhood based on that, but I do measure my manhood based on my place in the relationship."
"And what place is that, Justin?" I asked, "My caretaker? The provider? Are we back to fifties where you're bringing home the bacon and I'm baking you cookies? I'm not with that shit-"
"Why does it have to be a bad thing?" he agonized, rubbing his face roughly, "You're impossible."
"Of course I'm the impossible one because you're just perfect."
"Hell, according to you I am," he said smugly, "That's what you said the other night." I gasped land stood, anger flowing like venom through my veins. I was so embarassed now that he heard me and was making a mockery of my emotions. He had some nerves.
"You cocky motherfucker-" I began to rant before being cut off again.
"You better stop name calling because if I start calling names-"
"What?" I challenged, "What the fuck is gonna happen if you start calling names, Justin?"
"I'm just asking you not to cuss at me-"
"I can fuckin' cuss at you if I damn well please," I retorted, "You aren't my father, Justin, as much as you're trying to be." He scoffed and rolled his eyes.
"Well, shit, even if I was trying to be your father, I wouldn't know where to start 'cause I never met the guy!" he huffed, "In fact, I don't think I've met anyone who means anything to you aside from Clare and your stupid cat-"
"Bob is not stupid," I defended.
Justin went on as if he didn't hear me. "I mean, if it were up to you, they'd probably wouldn't know I exist just like the rest of your got damn family."
"You really want to bring up family issues, Justin?" I asked, my stomach tightening with bottled up emotions that were flying out rapidly, with no direction. "Half your family wants to fucking lynch me and you're upset because you haven't met my father?"
"Oh god! Lynch?!" he beamed. "Sash, now you're getting out of hand. I suggest you shut up."
I raised a brow and took a step back like I had been slapped. "Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" I asked, surprisingly calm as I became enraged.
"I'm talking to you because you're crossing a line right now that I advise you not to cross," he stated firmly, "You can say whatever you want about me, but you do not insult my family."
"Right," I said sarcastically, "'Cause your family hasn't offended me." I shook my head in disbelief.
"They haven't," he said simply with a shrug, "You haven't met them and they haven't met you."
"Do you remember why that is or should I refresh your memory?" Justin looked me dead in the eyes, fury behind his gray-blues.
"I'm done with this conversation," he growled, never breaking his eye contact. I laughed without amusement.
"Good, 'cause I'm done with it too," I said, bending down to retrieve my magazine before standing up straight again. "I'm done with this conversation and I'm done with you." Something behind his eyes fell and I felt impowered by his noticeable weakness.
"Don't say shit you don't mean," he said, barely controlling the angry tremor in his tone.
"I mean what I'm saying," I stated without hesitation, turning around to make my exit. I took sight of his family and Jessica, gawking at us. My stomach was knotted as I continued my steady stride.
"Sash!" Justin called after me, but I ignored him. I walked a little faster, feeling the tears building in my eyes as I reached the sliding glass doors. I caught a brief reflection of him, standing in front his lawn chair, staring at my retreating figure before I entered his kitchen and slid the door shut roughly. Once out of the kitchen, I jogged all the way upstairs, tears streaming from my eyes as I angrily wiped my face. I slammed his bedroom door shut behind me and locked it.
My chest felt weird. Tight and uncomfortable. My stomach wasn't still at all. I felt so angry and hurt that I was choking back my tears. I didn't want to be upset. I wanted to feel like I was right, but doubt plagued my mind as I looked over the argument. Maybe I overreacted?
No - He was wrong.
I shook my head, both sides screaming at me. I made a beeline for my purse on his dresser and found my cell inside. I dialed Clare's number and she picked up on the third ring.
"Heifer, where the hell have you been?" she huffed.
"I think I broke up with Justin," I said, his name feeling weird on my tongue.
"You think?" she asked.
"I did," I clarified, "We got into an argument and I broke up with him." She paused, humming a sound of disapproval.
"You okay?" she asked gently and I shook my head even though she couldn't see me.
"No," I voiced, sniffling, "He was wrong though. He told me to shut up."
"That's a little harsh," she said, "He was mad though, right?"
"So?" I asked, wiping my tear stained face, "That's not a valid excuse."
"I guess not," she recoiled, "I'm just saying - maybe he didn't mean it."
"He meant it," I said, rolling my eyes, "I'm so mad."
"I can tell," she mumbled sarcastically.
"Shut up," I groaned.
"I guess I should break up with you now," she joked, laughing into the line.
"That's not funny," I grumbled.
"I'm sorry," she sighed, "I was just trying to lighten the mood."
"I gotta leave," I decided suddenly, "I can't be in this house anymore."
"Doesn't he have the flight information?" she inquired.
"I'll buy my own ticket," I sniffled again, "I don't need him."
"Maybe you should wait," she told me, "This just happened right?"
"Yeah," I said, "A minute ago."
"Then maybe y'all can work through it-"
"I don't want to work through it," I interrupted, "I'm sick of trying to work through shit with him. We aren't working. I jumped the gun on this one. I got too excited to be in a relationship again and I just let it cloud my better judgment."
"Do you really think that?" Clare challenged.
"Yes," I lied, "I think that love and Justin aren't really a good match."
"I think you're lying to yourself."
"Why can't you have my back for once, Clare? Jesus Christ-"
"I'm on your side, Sash, you know that," Clare cut in, "I always have your back and because of that - I want you to make sure you're sure. Sleep on this and figure it out in the morning. See how you feel. You're still upset and you're not thinking as clearly as you think you are. Just relax a minute." I took a deep breath, knowing it was a logical thing Clare had said, but I was stubborn and wanted to be right nonetheless.
"I probably can't get a ticket this late anyway," I sighed with a stuffy nose, "I'll look some stuff up for tomorrow and leave then. I don't want to work anything out though. I'm done with this complicated shit. I'm sick of always having to climb over moutains with this man... It's not even worth it..." My eyes welled up at the last part. Every fiber of my being knew it was worth it, but I fought against it. No man was worth the stress.
"If that's what you feel," Clare mumbled sadly, "I say stay and talk to him when you've both calm down, but if you're honestly done then... I guess you're done." I was hiccupping now, trying not to sob into the line and failing miserably.
"Why can't I get this right?" I cried, completely wounded.
"Oh, child..." Clare cooed into the line, "It's going to fine."
"One minute we're laughing and joking and the next... It's over. Just like that."
"It doesn't have to be," Clare assured, "You still love him and he still loves you. Y'all are just fighting. I'm telling you, let it blow over." I shook my head defiantly.
"I d-don't want t-to," I stammered, getting more upset by the minute.
"Damn it, woman, you're gonna make me cry," Clare complained. I tried to take a calming breath but I just hiccupped right through it.
"I-I'm-m s-sor-sorry," I sighed, pausing to catch my breath, "I-I'll st-stop..." I sniffled, but I was snotty anyway. I knew I looked a mess, thankfully I had somehow made it down to the floor so I wouldn't have to see my reflection in his bureau's mirror.
"Sash, you have to remember that it's just a fight," Clare said soothingly, "I mean, you and Justin have been through so much in such a short amount of time and even if you think that's more reason to be apart, think of how much y'all fought through just to be together." I nodded after she spoke, trying absorb her words.
"B-but what am I suppose to d-do?" I asked, "I'm the one who broke u-up with him."
"Then take it back," Clare said simply, "He'll probably apologize anyway. Like I said, sleep on it."
"I guess..." I sighed, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. It wasn't late at all. Almost six, but I could use the sleep instead.
"I think you should lay down," Clare said before I could bother with it. She knew me so well it was crazy.
"I was just thinking that too," I yawned, dragging myself up and onto the king-sized bed.
"Call me tomorrow," Clare told me, "And I mean it." I smiled softly.
"Yes, Ma'am," I assured, "Thank you."
"No problem." We said our goodbyes and I was sleeping before the phone flipped closed.
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I woke up rather early the next morning. Eight o'clock was still trying to catch up to me as I stared at the clock beside his bed. I rubbed the empty spot beside me, sighing deeply. What the hell was I thinking? It was such a stupid fight now that I looked back on it. We were arguing over nothing. I was right for being independent, but he was right too...I could be a little too stubborn when it comes to getting help. We can both work on that. His family down south was a mountain we had yet to climb, but I'm sure we'll get through that too...He promised.
I frowned as I sat up and looked around his room. It was so barren without him in it. I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom to get ready for the day. It didn't take long for me to be finished and dressed in a t-shirt and capris as I tiptoed downstairs. Nobody seemed to be awake yet. I crept into the kitchen to get something to eat. It was completely silent. Even the dogs were sleeping in their little cabins still. I sighed just as the sound of voices caught my ear. They were faint and coming from outside. I stepped closer to the sliding glass doors before I opened them and stepped barefoot into the grass. I took the little walkway around the back that led to the pool and the voices got clearer.
As I turned the corner of the house, Rachel's guest house came into view. Outside of it was Justin and Jessica. The tiny robe wrapped around her body didn't leave much to the imagination and the amount of skin I saw told me that what was underneath that robe left nothing to the imagination. Justin was standing closer to her than I had ever seen him stand and my stomach did a weird flip as I stepped back, allowing the corner of the house to shield me a little as I stared at them.
"...You shouldn't feel bad," Jessica cooed softly and Justin looked away for a moment, staring in the opposite direction of where I hid. His hand rubbed the back of his head before he turned back to her.
"I dunno..." he sighed, sounding a bit torn, "It was just a fight... I don't even know if it was a real break up or not."
"We discussed this last night," Jessica said sharply and I felt my heart jerk for some reason at the intensity of her tone, "She broke up with you."
"She was upset-"
"She locked you out of your own bedroom," Jessica argued, "If she wanted to make up, she would've at least let you come to bed."
"It was a bad fight," Justin said softly and Jessica rolled her eyes. I wanted to smack her. She didn't know how I felt.
"That she started," Jesssica told him and I narrowed my eyes, biting my tongue, "And then finished with the break up line. You were single since that argument happened."
"I know Sash and she didn't mean it..." Justin fought and although his words were what I wanted to hear, they didn't sound like they were meant to just defend me. They sounded like they hurt for him to say.
"Now you don't think she meant it," Jessica said, "But last night you thought it was completely offical."
"Last night I had one too many margaritas and I got all upset over nothing..." Justin sighed, shaking his head. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and the bags beneath them dragged lower. Jessica rolled her eyes and huffed, obviously annoyed. I wanted to smack her for being so short with him. I wanted to smack Justin for talking to her about our fight.
"Justin-" The sound of barking cut her short and I turned in time to see Brennan running towards me. He leapt up to jump on me and I stiffled a scream as I turned my face away from his frailing tongue. It didn't take long for Justin and Jessica to appear from around the corner to see what all the commotion was about.
"Get down, Brennan," Justin commanded, tapping his dog with a firm hand. The mutt instantly dropped down obediently, whining as he panted and stared at Justin. I tried to compose myself.
"I was just looking for you," I said, trying to make up an excuse for me being there, "Brennan must've woken up and heard me-"
"Snooping?" Jessica inserted with the slightest bit of attitude. I turned to look at her and then Justin, who was conveniently knelt down to the ground, sweet talking Brennan like he hadn't heard a word.
"I wasn't snooping, Jessica," I stated bitterly, "I was looking for my boyfriend." I added the emphasis to spite her, but Jessica was oddly smug.
"So he is your boyfriend," Jessica turned to Justin, "I guess it wasn't a real break up afterall."
"It's none of your damn business anyway," I snapped as she cut her eyes towards me.
"Isn't it?" she asked simply and I was confused when Justin shot up from Brennan and stood between us.
"That's enough," he said to us, even though he turned his head to look at Jessica.
"I knew all that nice stuff was too good to be true," I continued, "You're just an undercover bitch."
"Sash-" Justin started before Jessica laughed.
"I'll gladly take that title," she snickered before she casually dragged her hand down the length of Justin's arm, "Won't I, Jay?" she cooed to him and I reached up instinctly to slap her hand away from him. She gasped at the 'smack' and glared at me.
"Keep your hands off of him," I said through gritted teeth, grabbing Justin's hand to yank him towards me. "Lets go inside." I shot another sharp glare in Jessica's direction and faced forward as we began to walk back towards his kitchen.
"I don't think that I'm the one who needs to keep their hands to themselves!" Jessica shouted behind us, obviously bitter about my slap to her arm. "Right, Justin?" I stopped walking. The sound of accusation in her tone was directed very sharply at Justin who slowed a moment later when he realized I wasn't following.
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked as Jessica stepped closer to where we now stood. Although I had asked the question, her eyes were on Justin as she spoke.
"I would love to sit here and tell you, but I think it's only right that Justin speaks for himself," she said, smiling up at him. "So tell her." I turned to watch the facial expressions exchanged between them before Justin finally broke down and turned to me.
"Lets go inside," he told me softly and my stomach twisted in a nervous knot that told me it was something I didn't want to hear.
"What is it?" I asked, not moving from the spot where I stood. I felt locked into the plush grass beneath my bare feet. Justin shifted his vision to Jessica and back to me.
"I'd rather speak to you privately," he told me softly, "Lets go talk alone."
"It doesn't matter where you tell her, Justin," Jessica stated bitterly, her voice breaking in the process. I turned my eyes to hers and watched as the pain flowed through them in the form of tears. I was a bit surprised as I looked back at Justin.
"What the hell is going on?" I asked, more panicked than planned. "Why is she crying?"
"Because...she...I mean, she knows that I was upset and that if there were different circumstances..." I shook my head, trying to make sense of his jumbled words.
"Justin, speak english, please," I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
"You broke up with me yesterday," he began softly, "I was really upset and I came to talk to you, but you ignored me when I knocked on the door..."
"I must've fallen asleep," I told him and he looked stunned momentarily.
"Oh... I thought you were just ignoring me," he said to his feet as he stared down at the ground.
"Justin, do you know how upset I was?" I asked him, lifting his chin with my hand, "I called Clare and she could barely hear me through all my crying... I went to sleep just so I could calm the hell down."
"I didn't know that," Justin muttered to himself, "I asked you if you wanted to work things out and you didn't answer...So I just...I assumed that was a no."
"Why would I just ignore you like that?" I asked, "You know how much I love you. It was such a dumb fight and I never want to break up again." I took his hands and kissed his knuckles. He stared down at me and his eyes seemed to be glossed over with tears. I turned back to glance at a sniffling Jessica. Had I missed the memo that I should be shedding tears?
"Shit, shit, shit..." Justin cursed, over and over again, staring up at the sky for a moment before his eyes landed on mine, "I don't think never breaking up again is an option."
"Why?" I asked, turning back to Jessica to get a clue, but her blank expression hadn't changed.
"I did something... something really stupid last night," he told me slowly, controlling the tremor in his voice as a silent tear rolled down his baby face. I wiped it away instinctively and he brushed his cheek against my palm.
"What the hell did you do?" I asked, but I wasn't stupid. Jess half naked and crying. Justin drinking and upset...Coming out of Rachel's guest house so early in the morning... My heart was crumbling with every agonizingly silent moment as I connected every painful dot.
"I was drinking and I went to talk to Rachel, but she had gone out with Elisha last night, so Jessica and I were talking..." he paused, composing himself for a moment, "I don't think you really want all the details, but I did...sleep...with her... I was sick about it. I hate myself for it and I swear it didn't mean a damn thing. Not even for a moment." Justin shook his head like he couldn't believe it as my heart exploded in my chest in a pain so strong that it buckled my knees. My gut had known all along, but to hear it confirmed was something I wasn't handling as well as I thought I would. "I was just trying to feel better..." Justin said softly, pleading with me before I pressed my fingers against his lips to silence him. He kissed the tips of them with his gentle mouth.
I stared up at Justin and it hurt to see his blue eyes shrone over with tears. It hurt to feel this much pain from someone I loved so dearly. It hurt to know he was very sorry, but it did nothing to help me forgive him.
"I love you," I breathed, surprisingly calm and not crying, but trembling.
"I love you, Sash," Justin said, pulling me into his arms. It was the safest place I have ever been. "I love you so much and I'm so, so, so sorry." His words were muffled against my shoulder, but I heard them loud and clear. It only hurt more to hear the same sincerity of his eyes in his voice.
I forced myself to pull away from him, looking over his reddened face and snotty nose. His eyes were puffy as he stared me down. I felt so disappointed in that moment, in myself, but especially in him. He was suppose to be perfect, at least to me, and here he was, making the simplest male mistake. I shook my own head in disbelief.
There goes my knight in shining armor, folks. All rusted from tears. He was suppose to be different and he was the same. All it took was one big fight for him to forget everything and fail me. I wasn't even angry now. Just saddened by the news that he wasn't who I built him up to be. Who I loved. He was just another mistake to add to my list, which was growing longer everyday. I felt the walls I had knocked down quickly shield my heart again, my spirit plummeting. Some kind of darkness came over me and I felt in the depths of my soul. I was shutting down. Every emotion was numbing itself.
In my mind, I was right back in my living room, two years in the past, watching my boyfriend and best friend hold hands and tell me they were in love. I was right back on that sofa, not believing my eyes, my ears, or the amount of pain I was in. Once again, I was cheated on and forgotten by someone I loved too deeply. And for what? I asked, turning back to Jessica, who was no longer crying. Her smug little face had dropped. In fact, I sensed some regret coming from the green of her eyes. I took a step towards where she stood and she took a defensive step back.
"I just wanted to say that I hope you're happy," I told her, "You might've fucked us up, but he still doesn't love you." She swallowed and looked down at me without a word. I turned back to Justin and he had wiped his face dry. I just shook my head disappointedly and walked around him. I was just thinking about home and laying in my own bed, petting my loving cat - the one man that has yet to let me down. Maybe a bottle of wine and a bowl of ice cream...
I reached his sliding glass doors and there he was, reflecting against it. His face was a crumbled heap of sadness. I wanted nothing more than to turn around, run into his safe arms, and tell him we could work it out...But the sharp pains inside me pulled me into the kitchen, sliding the door shut behind me. I waited in the kitchen for just a moment, waiting for his following footsteps or the call of my name. Anything to keep me from leaving. Any words to keep me here in his mansion for a moment longer. Anything to make me remember why him and I were worth it...
But the moment passed and there was nothing. I fought back the sob in my throat as I made my way upstairs, keeping my eyes off the bed we had shared and made love on. I couldn't even look at the bathroom, thoughts of bathing together and mornings where we'd brush our teeth while bumping hips passed through my mind. I haphazardly packed my things in my half empty suitcase, not bothering to fold as I did so. I had no time, no plan, no tickets, and a credit card with a questionable limit, but that would have to do. I had to get home. I couldn't stand another day here.
I was out of breath from crying and running around grabbing my things. I slumped onto the floor with my cell phone in hand, dialing Clare's number.
"Did you speak to Justin?" she asked before I even said a word, her hopeful voice causing a sob to fall from my lips. Silence met me for a moment as she let my cry.
"I...I'm c-coming h-home," I stammered through my tears, sobbing again. She asked no questions.
"Okay," she said simply, "I'll get you when you land." I nodded even though she couldn't see me, thanking her as I hung up and stood, running into the bathroom to wash my face. I practically drowned myself in the water before I dried up. I gasped a bit when I walked back out into the bedroom to find Trace standing by the door, playing with a set of keys. I looked better than before, but it was clear I had been upset. I was still sniffling.
"Do you need a ride?" he asked simply. I stared at him for a moment and he jingled his keys with a soft smile. "I know the fastest route to the airport." I looked at my luggage and back at him. I guess I never did think about how I was getting to the airport, so I accepted his offer.
"Thank you," I said softly. He just nodded and picked up my bags without asking, leading the way downstairs. I wondered if he spent the night here because he was dressed in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. He slipped flip flops on when we reached the door and I slid on my sandals. The ride to the airport was as silent as the walk to the car. I slipped up crying once or twice and he rubbed my back awkwardly without question. I decided that I liked Trace. He knew the situation and didn't stick his nose in my business. Even I would've tried talking to me, but he just let me be.
I thanked him again once we reached the airport and he paid for the only available first class ticket. It was Justin's credit card, but I didn't object. I just wanted to go home. We shared a hug as my gate was called.
"I'm sorry," Trace apologized to me, addressing the issue for the first time as we pulled apart. I didn't respond, I just thanked him for the ride and gave a weak smile as I got in line with my carry on bag. My pain had dulled as my exhaustion came over me. Once I got onto the plane and found my seat, I settled back into my plush chair and closed my eyes. Justin danced behind my lids and my heart seared with pain before I drifted a dreamless sleep.
