I couldn't tell you how many times and how many ways I tried to put on my jeans this morning... The ones Justin had made especially for me. I was rolling around, sucking in, and everything in-between. I finally gave up, scared that I would crush the baby if I didn't stop my nonsense.

"Sorry, sweetums," I apologized to my belly, rubbing on it tiredly as I sat on the edge of my bed. I settled on some black sweat pants and a stretch white t-shirt. The thick white ankle socks on my feet created a comfortable shield between me and my Addidas slides. The so-called massaging bristled-soles of those sandals hurt the hell out of my feet, but felt good when slightly cushioned. My ponytail was in a messy bun and small silver rings adored my ears. This was Justin's welcome back outfit. Even though my jeans had obviously shrunk (which is easier to say than admit I've gained weight), I realized that it didn't matter what I looked like. The baby couldn't see me and this was just about the baby. Not about looking good for a man who didn't deserve me.

But... I sigh as I look down at my hand. A Tiffany's charm bracelet was piled up in my palm before I stretched it out and let the charms dangle freely. Each little piece was breaking me down. My eyes focused on the heart charm and I was halfway expecting it to suddenly shatter just like my own heart.

Liquid blinded me as my eyes welled up with tears. I closed my hand around the jewelry before I stood and walked to my bureau, sniffling and wiping away tears. I placed the damned bracelet in my underwear drawer, tucked beneath the sexy lacey nonsense I'd never wear again, and took in my tear-stained reflection.You love him, but you'll get over it. You're stronger than this, Sash. You are... My mental comforting was enough to make me dry my eyes, but not enough to convince me of its truth. I left my room not encouraged, but not discouraged either. Just neutral. I was learning that it was better to feel nothing than to feel anything at all.

I was halfway down the hall, between my room and the bathroom, when I stopped walking. My stopped at the door there, realizing I never even noticed it anymore. Not sense I first moved in and told myself it would be an office or game room or something or other.

I was hesitant to touch the doorknob, almost like it was forbidden, but I pushed past that and opened the door. It creaked just a bit as I pushed it back further to enter the empty space. There was a large window against the wall across from me. It almost took over the entire top half of the wall, but it let a lot of sunlight flood the space. There is some dust along the edges of the windowsill and the hardwood flooring. There were some boxes full of photographs and other stuff I never found a place for or should've thrown out long ago. They were all tucked into one corner by a small closet door. The plain white walls were boring, but could be painted over easily. This room would be the nursery. It was modest in size, but it would do.

I could see the pastel colors taking over the room. The crib would be in the corner, the changing table beside it. By the baby's bureau, a rocking chair placed. It will be used to nurse and rock the baby to sleep slowly as he or she is tucked safely in my arms. A mobile that hangs from the crib will sing a sweet tinkling song that will keep the baby at peace. I could hear anything through these thin walls, but a baby monitor will be in place, for sure. I would worry way too much. Maybe the crib will be in my room for a while at first, just until the baby's a little older... I placed my hand over my stomach, feeling worried about the safety and well being of this bundle inside of me. I was already attached. I could already feel its warm, soft body in my arms...

I didn't realize my eyes had closed in that quiet moment until my phone vibrated in my pocket once, indicating a text message.Hey I’m outside. Can u let me in? I rolled my eyes at Justin's message, but my heart jerked a little as I closed the middle door and headed downstairs. Bob meowed at me as I passed by him to get to the door. I shot him a dirty look and he just stared up at me before sitting beside me as I hesitated at the door. He meowed again.

"What?" I snapped and he stood, sliding smoothly between my legs, rubbing his fur all over my sweats in a sweet gesture of affection. I felt myself softening up. My poor little cat has done nothing but warm me and here I was, snapping on him for no reason. I bent down and scooped him up into my arms. He purred as I pet right behind his ears. "I'm just a little hormonal," I explained to him, "Don't take it to heart if I'm a little mean." Bob turned his little head and licked the tips of my fingers with his rough tongue. I smiled and took a breath, turning back to the door. Operation Justin has just been activated.

---------------------------------------------------

I wondered if she would even open the door. She didn't reply to my text. Maybe she was sleeping? I knew that whole texting thing was dumb. Who the hell tells someone to text them? I know it's hard to talk and whatnot after everything, but jeez... I can't even call to let you know I'm outside, especially if you could be knocked out cold because you're tired and pregnant?

It was so strange to know Sash was pregnant with my child. Not strange in a bad way, but just out of place. It was the worst timing. Sash and I torn apart, Jessica calling me every five seconds, my mother disappointed in me (despite what she says, I can see it in her face) and most of all, I hate myself. I don't deserve to father her children. She shouldn't have to deal with me. I wouldn't deal with me if I was her, and yet she's granting me this tremendous favor by allowing me to be around for the pregnancy.

I couldn't understand what I what I was thinking... I should've broken down my bedroom door and begged her to take me back, but I was such an inexcusable coward. I let my dumped ass feel sorry for itself and I got so weak and felt so unwanted that I convinced myself that sleeping with Jessica was okay. That if Sash didn't want me, at least someone else did... I can't understand why I didn't stop and think that maybe, just maybe, Sash fought me so hard just because she's stubborn as fuck and wants to the last word. She would've told me to go kill myself if we bickered any longer, and I surely wouldn't have committed suicide. Why the hell did I take that break up seriously? How many times has she tried to break us up because she was scared or angry? How many times did I see past her facade?

I guess I was just so mad that I wanted to believe it so I could stay mad and hurt and do something stupid. Really stupid. It cost me my heart and now it's costing me my child.

I sighed and shook my head of all my jumbled thoughts. This is all I did. Replay that moment and all the consequences over and over. I rearranged and dissected every part, every conversation, every moment and tried to understand what was going through my mind, but I needed to stop. I was going to see Sash any second now I had to mentally prepare myself for the shock -

I stopped breathing when the door swung open and there she was with Bob scooped in her arms. She stared at my chest as she spoke.

"Hello." It was monotone and I almost didn't hear it as my eyes took her in. She was comfortably dressed and her sweet scent was light in the air, but my nose caught it. She looked the same, slightly pudgier, but as beautiful as I remember. She was glowing in the same way Jessica did when she was pregnant. My mother had pointed out the glow to me and it was evidently true.

I felt my arms rising to huge her petite figure, squeeze her and kiss her like I would normally do, but I pushed them down. I told myself no and like an angry child, my heart threw a fit. It was pounding, breaking, and shattering in my chest because it was not allowed to love and show affection. I would be crossing enemy lines if I touched her. Small as she was, I'm sure she'd put me in my place.

"Hey," I breathed, shoving my hands in my pockets and looking away from her face.

"You don't have to stare at me," she mumbled. I glanced up at her. Her brown eyes latched onto mine and my entire core shook in an unusual uneasiness. I turned to the floor just to stop the feeling.

"I'm not staring," I lied.

"Whatever, Justin," she grumbled, "I know I've gained weight. No need to poke and prod me with your eyes."

"I'm not," I adamantly denied, "Sash... you're really beautiful. You know I love -" Shit. I bit my lip and shook my head. I'm not even in the door yet and I'm putting my foot in my mouth. "I'm sorry. That was stupid." My stomach was in knots. I didn't look at her.

"Just come inside and get your sonogram," she mumbled, trying to sound indifferent, but failing miserably. I just nodded and went along, following her steps as she turned and walked inside. The house was warm and it smelled just like her. Everything hurt my eyes to see. That couch... that damn couch full of movies and kisses and late conversations. Even Bob was now a painful sight, all tucked in her arms, not worried about me. I felt like a stranger in a house that used to feel like home. A place that made me feel completely normal...A place where I forgot about the outside world and could just be, literally for a while, but even after I got my memory back, I still didn't feel like the man I was outside to the world or even to my family. Everything was different with Sash. I didn't have to impress her and if I was upset, she didn't press me about it. She gave me space without ever leaving me alone. She loved me even when she could've taken advantage of me. She was the most selfless, caring human being, even after all her hurt, and now... Now I just jabbed another whole in her unhealed heart...

I was so caught up in the chaos in my head that I walked straight into Sash, who yelped and turned to push me away. I stumbled back from her shove, shocked out of my thoughts completely.

"Justin, what the hell?" she griped, sucking her teeth like an annoyed preteen.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going," I told her honestly.

"I'm sure..." she mumbled, rolling her eyes as she bent over briefly to quickly grab a large manila envelope from the coffee table. "Here." She slapped the envelope against my chest, "You can go now."

"But I have the layout," I said, fumbling to hold the envelope and dig through my inner coat pocket. I found the folded up piece of paper and Sasheirah wrinkled her nose. "I know it's not in the most organized spot, but I didn't want to lose it or anything, so I put it where it would be the safest, which is as close to my body as possible."

"Well, I'm glad you didn't shove it into your pants," she said sourly, "Let me see it so you can go." I felt my heart sink into my belly as I tried to ignore the unsettling feeling. I didn't want to go. Not so soon. I felt like a crack fiend, denied another hit. I needed to be around her. I needed to see her, even if it hurt. I couldn't touch her or barely talk to her, but she would be there, speaking and breathing and I could know she was real.

"Can we go upstairs and go over things?" I asked, desperate. She huffed and rolled her eyes.

"Is that necessary?" she asked, "I know what the room looks like."

"Well, I'm not that familiar with the area, so I need to know if I have to make adjustments." She stared at me blankly before rolling her eyes and turning towards the stairs. I was still for a moment, watching her walk with her feminine sway; missing how I used to be able to hold onto those hips and walk so close behind her that her hair would touch my face...

"Are you coming or not?" Sash asked, clearly annoyed with my spacing out. I felt blood rushing to my cheeks and I looked down as I began to follow her with a response. I looked at the stairs and took long whiffs of the air as we ascended towards the second floor. Her perfume was lingering behind her and I was in heaven. I was just a step behind her and could touch her very easily if I dared to, but I had a feeling she'd swiftly kick me down the steps to my death if I tried.

I frowned deeply once we reached the second floor and stopped midway through the hall. Sash turned the knob of the middle room door and pushed it open before crossing her arms over her chest. I took that as an okay for entering the room and so I stepped inside. I glanced around, the room looking the same as I remembered it. I never told Sash, but when she was working, I'd sneak in here and look through the boxes at all the random things in them. Yearbooks, birthday cards, photos of her ex and her... It infuriated me that she kept them. Even now it pissed me off, but I never wanted to ask her to get rid of them, in fear that she'd be angry I had gone through her things.

"Well, I wasn't too far off with the planning," I said, over my shoulder. I could hear Sash taking slow steps into the room.

"Can I see that paper now?" she asked, coming up beside me. I looked down at her petite frame, which had relaxed. Her arms hung from her sides. I handed her the folded sheet of paper and she snatched it from my hands.

"That wasn't very nice," I said disapprovingly. She rolled her eyes again, ignoring me, as she unfolded the page. It happened so quickly that I might've imagined it, but I swore I saw a smile on her face before it fell.

"I had something like this in mind," she confessed, "I like the mobile on the ceiling."

"Yeah, I figured that it was better than the traditional mobile and that the baby could keep it a while longer, through the toddler years..." I smiled to myself, picturing the terrible twos. That kid would surely get a foot in the ass getting on Sash's nerves. It would be a sight to see.

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking," Sash agreed, making me happy that I had done something right by her, "But what's with all the pink?"

"What do you mean?" I asked. She turned the page toward me and I shrugged. "You don't like the pink color scheme?"

"I don't like that you're assuming we're having a girl," Sash told me, shocking the hell out of me.

"I thought that you'd want a girl," I said innocently.

"Not all women want girls," she sighed, "Boys are way easier...to raise anyway."

I ignored her dig at me. "Girls are so much...cuter. I want to have a little girl." Now she was the one to look surprised.

"Really?" Sash asked and I nodded. "You're so weird."

"Not all men want boys," I mocked, "Besides, I want to have the whole 'daddy's little girl' thing. I want to protect her from the world and be there for the father-daughter dances..." I felt myself turning bashful from her silence and staring. "I dunno... I guess it is weird."

"No..." Sash said softly, "It's not...weird. I guess I'm just not used to fathers wanting daughters. I used to think that my dad left because my mother had all girls. I thought it pissed him off." She laughed at herself and I smirked softly. I could see a certain void in her, a kind of sadness she never spoke about. It mad me feel like an even bigger bastard for hurting her. She had more issues than Cosmo. I didn't need to add another.

"Well, you still had your mom," I tried to chime in and she rolled her eyes.

"That reminds me, I have to tell her I'm knocked up," Sash groaned in agony.

"Don't say it like that," I grimaced, "You make it seem like you had a one night stand or something. That child was conceived out of love."

"Either way I'm pregnant and it's by you, who I'm not with any longer... Did I mention you were white? That might be an issue too," Sash rambled, "Speaking of race, how did your family take the news? Should I be leaving town or am I safe here?"

"That's not funny," I grumbled, "And I told my mother and Trace. They both probably told the world by now, so I guess everybody knows. I haven't heard from anyone yet."

"What about you favorite cousin?" she said sarcastically, "I bet she's all fired up about this."

"Rach and I aren't speaking," I confessed, rolling my eyes, "She hates me."

"Why?" Sash asked and I shrugged, becoming uneasy.

"Well... you know..." I mumbled off. Sash gave me a look of confusion, "Well...the whole...Jessica thing kinda -"

"I got it," Sash broke in, shifting away from me, "Say no more." I felt my stomach knot up again as silence fell over us.

"I guess I should go," I said after a moment. Sash nodded and we headed out of the room. I walked slowly down the stairs and this time she walked behind me. I wanted nothing more than to get this awkwardness out from around us, but it hung heavily in the arm as silence only deepened it.

I sighed once we reached the door. I turned to face her as we stopped walking. She glanced up at me and caught my eyes for a moment. I saw how much she wanted to say, but never would. I also saw how hard it was to even look at me. How could I do this to us? I wanted to ask her, as if she'd know.

"Whenever you want to get started on the room, let me know," I voiced, "We can go shopping for stuff. I figured we could go with white or oak furniture. The paint can come last. We have a lot of baby stuff we need to get.

"Yeah, I'll call you," Sash said quickly, staring at the floor instead of me, "Or text you. Whichever."

"I prefer phone calls," I told her, "We can be brief."

"Trust me, we will," Sash assured, "Got your sonogram?" I had forgotten I was holding it, but I pulled it out where it was tucked beneath my arm.

"Yep," I said simply, "Thank you. You didn't have to." Sash shrugged.

"It's your baby too," she told me nonchalantly. Silence.

"Well, you still didn't have to," I reiterated, not quite ready to leave, but unable to stand the awkwardness.

"Well...I guess you should be going," Sash said gently, "I'm sure you have lots to do."

"I do have some unpacking," I sighed, "Umm...would you like to help me out? I got a couple boxes and -"

"Justin," Sash said, annoyed. She reluctantly looked me in the eyes, "That's not baby-related."

"Well, I am the father of the baby, so if you help me you're technically doing..." She gave me a bored look as I trailed off. "...No?" I asked and she shook her head.

"Not even close," she told me, "You'll be unpacking alone."

"That's never any fun," I tried again.

"Goodbye, Justin," Sash said firmly. I offered her a weak smile before turning around. I unlocked the door slowly, pulling it open before I turned back to her.

"Call me if you need anything, anything at all," I stressed, "Even if it's a pint of Ben & Jerry's at three in the morning." This time she smiled and though it was small and brief, it was genuine and I had put it there.

"Sure," she told me, "But go unpack."

"Okay..." I whined before slowly stepping outside into the sunny afternoon, "Call me."

"I will," Sash assured. It took everything in me to walk to my truck without stealing another glance at her beautiful face, but I did. I couldn't be so forceful, but it came out automatically whenever I was around Sash. I knew it was going to irritate her, but I knew that she'd eventually crack. I just had to be patient. I had to start respecting her wishes of space and no romance...

But how do you tell yourself not to fight for the one thing worth fighting for?

------------------------------------------------

I let go of the breath I was holding the moment he was gone. My head was pressed against the door as I leant against it, fighting off the scream that wanted to rip through my throat. Got damn that man! He was just impossible. He wasn't even in the house yet and he was checking me out and saying things I didn't want him to say...

And the nerve of him looking as good as he did. Justin had gotten bigger, but not in the I-ate-too-many-donut-holes-and-now-I-have-more-rolls-than-a-bakery big, but in a weight lifting, working out, six-pack-turned-eight-pack kinda way. It made me sick. He looked so good after our break up and I looked like a two-ton whale.

That was not what my self-esteem needed.

And then he had to smell good too. Walking by him, near him, after him, beside him... His scent was everywhere and I wanted it out. It was messing with my head. I couldn't even look at him. He was all dog eyed and sorry...

I sighed, not knowing what to do. I would have to call him. That room needed work and I wasn't in the mood to do it at all, let alone by myself, but I certainly wasn't in the mood to have Justin around so much. Maybe I should've waited longer. Maybe letting him be around me so soon was a rash decision... I should've put my foot down and mailed that sonogram. It's what got him here in the first place.

I push away from the door and stalk towards the kitchen. I needed to find a better stress reliever, but for now, chocolate chip ice cream would have to do.

I was settled at the kitchen table, spooning away at my bowl of deliciousness. I didn't feel much better or much worse than I had felt before. It almost felt like Justin didn't actually come here. I did get weird knots when I realize that he was in fact here and he looked, smelled, and sounded even better than I remember. It did hurt a little to know that it was an awkward and painful experience that I would have to endure again. It hurt more to know that I had to make it a point to be a bitch to him every time he was around so he would cease his attempts to get under my skin.

Today was a test of my strength and I cracked smiles I was supposed to suppress. It scared me that I couldn't even keep a smile off my face. What if he tried to do more than that? What if he got more demanding? I shiver shot through my spine and I shook my head. I needed to get more will power, I told myself.

And I will get that power...as soon as I figure out how to stop loving him.

I sighed. These next few months would be the longest of my life.