I was staring at my telephone, hoping for it to ring.

It had been three days. Didn't she want something? Anything?

I growled at my phone and tossed it on the excruciatingly empty spot next to me. My heart had a dull, constant ache that was intensified by a memory of Sash. A momentary vision of her lying there, looking up at me with loving eyes.

My hands trailed over the navy blue sheets that were warm because I had just rolled over from that spot myself. It wasn't her body heat or scent, but my own and mine alone.

I closed my eyes and forced back the urge to cry. I wasn't gonna get her back by resting my laurels and bawling like a bitch. I had to man up. I had a lot to focus on. I had a child to raise. I had a life to adjust around that child. I had a career to focus on.If I could run away, you know I would
And I'm hurtin cause girl I never loved you like I should. . .

When your love is lost
Your whole world's thrown off. . .

I couldn't answer that without getting angry, crying, or venting for an unreasonable amount of time, so I told him I'll resubmit. I haven't been able to write a decent upbeat song. I didn't want to dance. I just wanted her back. Fuck the damn album and tours. What was my music without a muse? Break ups prior to this encouraged me to be upbeat and move on, but this break up... This break up told me to lie down like the dog I was and suffer for everything I've caused. It told me to hide deeply out of sight and never see daylight...

When the one you need don't need you
What do you do?

When love is lost. . .

But alas, I had to do something or I'd go crazy, so I stood and walked across my bedroom, barefoot and in my boxer briefs and t-shirt. I sat down at the full sized keyboard that was my only release. My hands rested on the cold white keys, feeling around for a note of interest. A chiming noise, a deep bass sound. It was all jumbled until I found a rhythm. I hummed to it, closed my eyes, and envisioned her sweet face.

I had to stop playing to choke on a silent tear that had escaped my eyes without warning. I wiped it away and started to play again. I thought I caused myself pain by running hard and far for hours at a time, but I was really just allowing myself an escape. The real way to hurt myself was to just sit and think about her. To know how deep her love was and how hard it is for her to have been cheated on by the asshole that promised her he'd never do it.

I played harder, almost slamming my hands on the keyboard in a furious pace; music was blaring in my apartment. The sound making my eardrums cloud up before I stopped, suddenly exhausted.

I felt crazy. Maybe I was losing my mind. I opened up my eyes slowly and looked around the beige room. Miscellaneous things were placed about to make it feel homey, but I wasn't home at all. The city noise from outside my large bay windows were hushed by the thick glass, but I heard some horns and engines of cars for a moment, concentrating on them for a minute.

Then my stomach growled and I was reminded that I needed to get groceries at some point and time. My refrigerator was empty like my belly because I had been ordering out or not eating at all - both of which my mother strongly disapproved of. I made a mental note to call her up tonight, but I stood from my keyboard and walked back to my bed, sitting on its edge while grabbing my phone.

I couldn't take it anymore. Even if she cursed me out, I'd at least hear her voice. I dialed the familiar digits and waited for it to ring. I sighed when I got her voicemail instantly. She had changed it.

"Hey, Sasheirah, it's Justin," I said dumbly, "Umm... I was just checking on you...and the baby, of course. Just...call me or text me, whatever you're into...So...yeah. Bye." I hung up and smacked my forehead, feeling like a lame high schooler.

I needed to eat and do something with my life that didn't make me ten times more miserable. First thing on the agenda was showering. Maybe some retail therapy? I could just take a walk around the city and get a feel for Philly. It would be nice to have Sash as a guide. Maybe I could entice her? I'm sure there was baby stuff somewhere downtown and if I got her to go for that, she couldn't fight me too much on a stop for dinner? I got giddy just thinking about it.

It was enough positive energy to get me showered, dressed, and ready to go. I made sure my cell was on and my wallet was close by in my back pocket. I made my way out of my apartment building and out into the busy lunch hour of downtown Philly. People were everywhere on Market Street and I stopped at a Starbucks for a Banana Nut bread slice and a coffee. Breakfast was down and now I had time to kill. I got a few glances, but there were no crazy paps around from what I could tell. I felt at ease strolling through the street.

I made my way through the Gallery shops and came out with two pairs of Nikes, a couple DVDs, and a McChicken sandwich I devoured into two seconds, obviously still hungry. Next was Chestnut street. I was happy to be out in the cool air, distracted by stores and people watching. I went into every store I passed, just to get a clear look. I walked quickly past LaScala's as I flashed back to dinner with Sash, who had yet to call me back.

I stopped for a photo opportunity with a fan that very sweetly asked for just one picture, which turned into three since she was with her friends. I didn't mind; feeling wanted was becoming too rare for me these days. I asked them for shopping advice and they directed me to Walnut Street. I wondered why there were so many 'Nut' names, but went where I was directed. They weren't lying, there were shops everywhere. From H&M to Tiffany's. I was in heaven, spending money everywhere. I even got my mom some things. She'd be happy. Maybe I'll fly out later this week to drop them off.

I didn't stop shopping until I had to call a cab to get all the bags home. It was still early, however. Just around four. I had left at noon time. I was disappointed, so I headed back out again after dropping off my things. There was a Border's bookstore not too far from my apartment. I decided to pay it a visit. It smelt like coffee beans as I wandered about, glancing at a few books with interesting covers. I read a map and found the parenting section on the third floor. I took the elevator up and browsed about.

They had every book imaginable. How to make a baby. How to take care of yourself after making the baby. How to take care of the baby once it's born. There were so many things to know. Honey wasn't good for infants. Playing music for the baby can help with intelligence... Craziness I never really stopped to do. I had been ill-prepared when Jessica had first gotten pregnant. It hurt that maybe if I had read some of these books, there would've been signs to prevent what happened... I sighed, not needing another thing to think about.

I felt sad that my child would've had a sibling, but I was glad to be getting this second chance. If the first baby had survived, things would be so different now. I would've been with Jessica. She wouldn't have told me she cheated. Sash would have never been in my life...

I shivered at that thought. A life without Sash didn't seem like much of a life. I further believe that we should be together because God wouldn't have taken my child away just so I could end up alone. And He certainly wouldn't have given me the chance to have another shot at fatherhood if I weren't suppose to. The last time we made love she gets pregnant. He knew what chaos would ensue and was giving me a reason to be around Sash and get back into her good graces. I knew that it was all part of a grand plan that I just had to be patient for. At least that's what told myself to keep me from going completely crazy.

It worked and lightened up my mood. I grabbed six different books on parenting and two more books on baby names. I browsed through the CD collection and found some classical music (as suggested) for the baby to listen to. I wondered if Sash would allow it, but knew she'd be intrigued with the idea. There would be no harm done if she did it or not, so there would be no argument.

I casually strolled towards the Children's area of the floor. It was brightly colored like a daycare center and covered in all types of Children's books. I saw a few from my childhood - The Cat and the Hat, Rainbow Fish, Where the Wild Things Are... Nostalgia washed over me. I never realized how much I missed being a kid. Being an adult certainly had its advantages, but when you're just a child with nothing to worry about, it was the freest you would ever be. There was no heartbreak unless Sesame Street was cut off or vegetables were served. There were no relationships, jobs, demands, and responsibilities. It was you, your books, and your favorite toy.

"Do you need help finding anything?" I turned towards the voice of a petite brunette. She was wearing her black Border's uniform polo and a headset. She looked younger than me, probably a teenager.

"Nope, I'm fine," I said, "Thank you though."

"Here's a basket," she said, pulling out a bright red one out of nowhere. I accepted it, dropping all my items into it. My arms no longer felt weighed down.

"Thanks," I said again. I went back to browsing, but the girl remained. I looked at her through the corner of my eyes.

"Can I ask you something?" she asked timidly and I knew that look from anywhere.

"Sure," I said simply.

"Are you... Justin?" I furrowed my brows as I faced her, feigning confusion.

"Justin who?" I asked.

"Oh...never mind," she said, "You just look really alike..."

"Ohhh..." I said, "Justin Timberlake, you mean?"

"Yeah," she said sheepishly. "Do you get that a lot?"

"All the time," I smirked, "But my name's Matthew, sorry."

"It's okay," she shrugged, "I was just curious." She walked away, glancing back at me with a small smile. Maybe she knew I was full of shit, maybe she didn't. Either way, I didn't really care. I was just wishing I really was Matthew. Then I'd be with Sash making more babies instead of buying books about it...

I picked up six more books before I finally decided to check out. I was waited on fairly quickly before I was on my way back to my apartment again. I walked a little slower to kill more time. Borders only took me an hour. I was hungry again, but was waiting on Sash to call. I wanted to have dinner with her so badly that my entire body ached. I would rather starve than eat alone.

But I knew I'd be eating alone. Even if Sash called, she wouldn't want dinner with me. She doesn't want anything to do with me. I checked my phone for a text and there was nothing. I sighed and wandered towards a Wendy's down the street from Borders.

A burger and fries for me, myself, and I.

-------------------------------------------------

I stared down at my bowl of Vanilla Bean ice cream. It still had some of the maple syrup I had drizzled over it dripping down the side of the melting scoop I had left (after I devoured two of the three I placed in the bowl). I was trying to ignore the calories packed into this little treat, which I didn't need, but had to have because for a moment all I could focus on was my ice cream. And if I was thinking about my ice cream and how good it tasted, I didn't have to think about anything else. I didn't have to think about the baby growing inside me. I didn't have to worry about maternity leave, or telling my family. I didn't have to close my eyes and push out the rest of my mundane, stressful world.

And I most certainly didn't have to think about him.

That didn't last too long. Like all good things, it came to an end and I've been staring at my ice cream ever since. It didn't help that he called and left that pathetically adorable voicemail that almost made me call him back. Almost. I wasn't that stupid or desperate or weak...and even if I was, I refused to show it.

But I missed him. Dear Lord, I missed him so much that I almost wanted to rip my heart from my chest just to ease the pain. It was torture. Torture...And I knew that I could end it if I just took him back, said it was okay, and forgot about it.

But that was the hard part. The forgetting it part. I, for one, never forgot a thing. Especially a thing that has hurt me beyond proper repair. I couldn't look at Justin and not see Jessica. I couldn't kiss him and not know her lips were there. I certainly couldn't lay with him knowing that he had laid with her as I slept a poolside away after bawling my eyes out over him.

No, I couldn't; not now and not ever. I felt like I would be the stupid girl who takes the cheater back and that somewhere down the line he'd cheat again. I couldn't trust his word and his promises or anything that related to him and I together. And if I can't trust the man I want to love, then I could not be with him because I would never be about to love him like I should.

The only thing Justin-related that I could trust was that he'd be a good father to our child. That much was sure and it was the only important thing. Taking him back just wasn't an option, despite my insides jumbling up in a heaping mess that left me all weird and unstable.

Or maybe that was nausea. I couldn't tell the difference these days with Justin Junior down there, swirling around my belly like nobody's business. Well, newsflash, Mister - It is my business and I am not happy about the puke you invoke. I wanted to keep my lunch down and not mess around with my nutrition levels, but no. Everything I ate, no matter how good it was, came right back up.

I don't even know why I was trying to finish this ice cream. I'll give myself fifteen minutes before I throw it up. It didn't help that my mind was all jumbled up with thoughts of my baby, Justin, and my mother...that I have yet to call and tell the news to. I needed to get on that. My belly was tightening with a tiniest baby bump. It would be too obvious too soon and I didn't want to get her upset. I wanted her to think I just found out and told her as soon as possible.

My mother was irritating and overbearing, but she was still my mother. She'd ridicule me for being pregnant at an untimely moment of my life, question my sanity when I say I'm having Justin Timberlake's baby, ridicule me more for not being with him in any kind of relationship, and then just accept my pregnancy and help me with all the mom advice I could imagine.

See, the last part was worth hearing, but all the crap beforehand...that is something I wish I could fast forward through. My mother could be blunt and harsh at times. I was too sensitive right now to be able to take her verbal attacks on my character, my lack of sense, and my unborn child. It's especially hard to deal with it all because I can't help but be in agreement with her. I was an idiot. I messed up. Justin screwed our relationship over, and instead of having children when I was settled and ready, I ended up pregnant after having the best sex of my life with my now ex-boyfriend for the last time. It wasn't something I wanted the kid to know. It wasn't something I wished to say out loud. Ever.

Bob's meowing throws me off focus as he jumps on the kitchen table, which is unusual. "No, Bob," I scoffed, swatting him on his side firmly, but gently, "Down!" He had the audacity to hiss at me as he did as told, knocking my phone to the floor in the process, before scurrying off.

I groaned and bent to the side to retrieve my phone. I regretted it; my mind flashing back to Justin's call and his voicemail. I wanted to hear him... I wanted to talk to him. I should probably call him back because it was common courtesy to do so... It wouldn't be a huge deal. Just a minor update on any baby changes (there are none) and maybe a check on him... I wouldn't ask directly. I didn't want him to think I still cared.

Yeah, I'll just call and say the baby's fine. No harm done, I concluded, dialing his number without a second thought. It made me sick to know it was memorized subconsciously. I waited as it rung twice before a brief silence.

"Hello?" It was a groggy voice I recognized too well. My mind flashed to early mornings after long, loving nights...

Shit. "Umm...he-hello," I stammered, clearing my throat. "What's up?"

"Oh, Sash!" Justin gushed gleefully. I heard a shuffling and then a loud thump before a groaning noise.

"Are you okay?" I asked into the line, confused.

"Ugh..." Justin sighed, "I fell out of bed."

"How?" I asked confused.

"I didn't realize I was so close to the edge..." he trailed off, "I jumped up when I realized it was you and...bam." He laughed lightly at himself, but he sounded embarrassed. I didn't want to tease him; it would be too playful of a gesture.

"Oh," I responded as monotone as possible. "Why are you sleeping so early?" I asked, glancing at the clock above my stove. It was barely into eight o'clock.

"Well... I got some Wendy's and went straight to bed afterward..." I could tell he was shrugging at this moment. "I don't have much to do around here...You're the only person I know in this city, so unless you give me a call, I'm pretty much stuck in my apartment..."

"Hmm..." I grumbled, not trying to let him guilt me. It was not my fault that he couldn't be staying with me instead of that apartment of his. And he certainly wasn't he only bored, lonely one. He was the reason why both of us had to suffer for an immeasurable amount of time.

"Well, I did actually take a walk some places," he informed me, "I bought some baby books. You know, parenting stuff... What to expect during and after pregnancy... It's all very interesting."

"Well, I'm off tomorrow, if you want to bring some of them over," I offered, my stomach knotting up.

"If I want to?" Justin chuckled, "Sash, you're my sole purpose for being here. Why wouldn't I want to see you tomorrow?"

"You mean the baby is the sole reason why you're here," I corrected.

"Even if there were no baby, I'd still be here," he said softly, as if I wouldn't hear him. I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath.

"Then that would be called stalking," I told him, "You moving to a girl's hometown, leasing an apartment, popping up from time to time..."

He laughed lightly and though it wasn't as hearty as the other laughs I've heard from him before, it was still his laugh and it reverberated through my chest and made me tremble... I missed him just laughing.

"If that's what I'd be doing, then so be it," he said, "I'll be your stalker."

"That's not positive," I said, "You're not gonna get me back by hiding in my bushes."

"Then tell me, Sash," Justin asked, sounding more serious than necessary, "How do I get you back?"

"I'm gonna hang up," I threatened weakly, feeling the uncomfortable knot in my stomach lurching upward towards my chest.

"Sorry," Justin apologized, but I knew he wasn't, "I can't lie to you."

"I didn't say lie to me, but just don't... tell me everything," I tried to explain, feeling my gut twisting up. It was so hard talking to him, but if he said things like that... it made it that much harder.

"But you know how I feel anyway," Justin said, "What difference will it make?"

"A huge one," I said, "Even if you know how someone feels, them confirming it makes it that much stronger and I cannot talk to you if you're constantly in my face about getting back together."

"Well, I don't know what else to do," he told me, his voice as wounded as ever, "I don't want to lose you."

"You already have," I said automatically and it sounded so cold, even to me. My chest had this weird, jell-o-like feeling for a moment as my stomach knotted up twice as much as before. I wasn't nauseated, that's for sure. I was grief-striken. It felt like I was losing my grip on something truly valuable and there was nothing I could do about it. It hurt that he was hurting. It hurt that I was hurting. It hurt to know that even though I loved him and he seemed to love and miss me just as badly as I did him, it still wasn't enough. I had rebuilt my walls and nothing could sway them. I would not allow it.

There was silence on the other end for a moment. I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, but I just can't tolerate this shit right now... I got a lot on my plate."

"I understand," Justin said meekly, "I'm sorry for upsetting you." He sounded crushed and defeated, like child who apologizes after a well-deserved time out. I didn't want to see him like that - like an innocent child who probably didn't know any better. That would be excusing him and the damage he has caused. I couldn't do that. He was a grown man with enough sense to know what he was doing when he did it and the consquences of those actions. I needed to remember that and stay firm.

"Look, we just have to stay focused," I tried to reason, "We have a baby on the way and a lot of stuff to do around the house. I gotta start baby-proofing this place, the nursery isn't done, and I still haven't told my mother -"

"Damn, Sash," Justin interrupted, "When are you gonna tell her? Mid-labor?"

"Don't be a smartass," I griped, "I'm gonna tell her... soon."

"Why is it so scary? You're grown and on your own..."

"I know, but my mother can be very critical," I said, shaking my head.

"Why? 'Cause I'm white?" he asked straightforwardly. He didn't sound offended, just factual.

"I already told you she could be a bit narrow-minded, but I'm also concerned about us not being together anymore. She'll tear me up for that," I said, pouting fiercely, "And if I tell her that I'm having Justin Timberlake's baby, she'll probably check me into a mental hospital."

"Okay, well lets just break this down," Justin said calmly, "I'm white and there's no changing that, so mama dukes is gonna have to get over it."

I nodded. "She'll still crack some jokes."

"Sash, I spent a better part of my days with you being called white boy and cracker once or twice, I think I can take that much." He had a point, but that embarrassed me.

"Sorry about the name calling," I reluctantly mumbled.

"Sash, please, that's nothing," Justin dismissed, "But as far as her thinking you're crazy for claiming you're having my baby and as far as us not being together, there is one solution."

"And what's that?" I asked cautiously.

"We should tell your mom together," he said simply. "I'll be there, living proof that I'm the father. And who said she has to know we're broken up right now? We can just pretend we're still together."

"My mother is a blood hound for drugs, sex, alcohol, and lying," I said wearily, "She'll see right through it."

"Sash, we may have issues, but we still love each other," Justin said, making me shift in my chair, "All we have to do is show that love for a moment and then we can go back to being miserable."

I scoffed, "I'm not miserable."

"Whatever you say, Sash," Justin said condescendingly, "We can just hold hands and cuddle a little. Maybe a kiss...or two."

"Or none," I supplied, "I can barely talk to you. I don't know if I can do all this physical stuff."

"Sash, we can go in together and get this over and done with, or you can call your mom at three in the morning and tell her you're going into labor with a white boy's baby. Whichever you prefer." I didn't like ultimatums and this sounded like one.

"Fine," I mumbled, "We can play pretend with minimum physical contact, but no kissing. It's unnecessary and to be frank, doing anything that physical with a man in front of my mom makes me sick."

"Damn, you were a sheltered child," Justin said, "But okay. That's fine. We can just do a little hand holding. No biggie."

"Exactly," I said, "It's just for what... fifteen minutes, max? I can just tell my mom I have something to do and we can't stay long."

"Precisely," Justin agreed, "We can do this." I nodded, feeling a little more confident than before.

"Yes," I said, feeling myself relax back into my seat, "We can do this."