“Sash, this is just ridiculous… A week? Fine, I’ll give you that. Two weeks? A little unnerving, but I’ll let you have that too… Three weeks? I’m calling co-workers… Four freakin’ weeks? I’m sending out a got damn search party! I’ve been to your house, your job, and I’m two seconds away from paying your mother a visit… Did you hear me? Your mother, Sashierah! Please don’t make me have to do that ‘cause you know the chances of me making it out of there are live are slim, so  just … call me back or text me or something so I can know you’re okay…okay? Thank you.”

I stared at my cell as I pressed delete for the millionth voicemail Justin has left on my phone. I felt a little bad because Clare was getting on me about having to make up excuses for where I was when Justin showed up at my job or called. I was always ‘assisting some emergency situation’ or ‘helping deliver a baby’, she’d tell him, and she said he had a look on his face every time, like he knew she was lying, and would just leave or wander about to see if I’d walk past or get paged. He had no idea that half the time I was hiding in the nursing lounge or in a bathroom stall several floors above him.

I was avoiding him like the black plague because I was embarrassed and hurt over something that wasn’t my business in the first place. I was being a gigantic hypocrite.  Being in this predicament was my entire fault too because ignorance would’ve been bliss had I minded my own business. It happened four weeks ago, the night I had slept over Justin’s place, unwillingly. I had rolled over in the morning to find he was gone, leaving a note on his empty pillow, telling me to help myself to whatever I needed ‘til he got back in from a morning run. As I made my way into the living room after stopping to make a bowl of POPs cereal, I caught the flashing light of his answering machine. The red beam was just calling me, blinking and coercing me to come over. I should’ve never pressed play.

“Good morning, Sexy,” some heifer said through the line, sounding right out of those late night phone sex commercials. Her voice was laced with what sounded like a Latin accent, breathy and purring, “You know who this is and you know what I want… I’m a little disappointed you didn’t say you were in town. It’s been a while and I miss you… And I know damn well you miss me, so don’t keep me waiting, baby…” And that was it. Click. Done. The bitch straight up left the message like that and it burned me up to know that’s all the info he needed. Her voice, a ‘miss you’, and a dial tone. He probably knew her number by heart and from the sounds of it; he knew her anatomy quite well too. It took everything in me to throw out those POPs and almost run out of his penthouse without bawling my eyes out. I pressed delete, being damned if he got that whore’s message, and bounced out of his apartment, POPs left behind on the coffee table. I barely made it out of the cab in front of my place before I was crying like an idiot.

It made me so angry that I cared so much, but how could I not feel a little hurt when he was talking all his shit about wanting only me when that wasn’t the case. Especially now, when I was pushing him away and looking like a cow with this baby bump the size of Texas; things were tense as ever. It was the perfect time for him to stray away and forget about me. She was probably all thin and tan like some Adrianna Lima wannabe… Hell, it could’ve been Adrianna Lima for all I knew. I keep forgetting who Justin is sometimes. It could be any woman in the world because he knew them all and had connections…

My hand ran soothing circles over my belly, which hung out of my tank slightly. My belly button was jutted out and I idly traced circles around the small, soft ball it formed into. Bob was sleeping by the television, sprawled out against the rug on his side, his belly becoming as round as mine. We spent these last four weeks eating and watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns. I couldn’t stand it, but it was better than answering Justin’s calls…

T.V. and food weren’t my only distractions though. I had, in some unhealthy fit of rage, sadness, and loneliness, taken the liberty of texting Damon from the supermarket. I don’t know what possessed me to do so, but I had been playing in my phone two weeks ago, debating on whether or not to call Justin, when

I passed his name and decided to distract myself. I figured he wouldn’t reply because he’d never remember ‘the supermarket girl’, which I referred to myself as when I texted, but he promptly wrote a cautious ‘Sash, right?’ and we’ve been chatting randomly ever since. It was nice, flirty, casual conversations that I enjoyed more than I should. I smirked just as my phone vibrated in lap and Damon’s name was on my screen.

Watcha doin?

Nada…wassup?

Depends…

I raised a brow, smirking slightly like I was in on his inside joke.

On what?

On...if you say yes…

Depends…

On what? :p

I giggled to myself, he was such a smartass.

Lol depends on what ur asking…

What if I ask you to get a meal with me…maybe catch a movie?

I stared at the screen, glancing over at Bob like some guilty child about to do something bad. My stomach tightened and I glanced down at my belly, round as ever and full of Sashy Junior. I closed my eyes. This would be a date, right? But if I said it wasn’t a date, but we could go to dinner, that would still be fine, right? I rolled my eyes to myself. I was over thinking. Why analyze? I was single, by choice, and I could date or not date if I pleased… But Justin’s stupid face was in my head, bouncing around and taunting me.

I can’t…I work all week

Damn, I was always hiding at my job.

Next week?

I rolled my eyes again, trying to think of something to hold up my time.

Umm…Idk…Had some family things going on…

I’m starting to think u don’t like me :(

I groaned, shaking my head because it wasn’t the case. Damon seemed cool enough. He was good looking and was in graduate school for psychology at the University of Penn, so the boy had a brain that functioned and could probably offer me the therapy I desperately needed at a discounted price…

No, no… I like u… I’m just busy. Don’t u have hwrk or sumthing? Lol jk

Hah…ur funny. I’m sry I’m trying to better myself… I’ll just drop out now if it bothers u…

No way! U make more money with a graduate ed. and I don’t come cheap

Figured u only wanted me for my future money…

Who said I wanted u in the first place?

Damn…ok, I see how u are…

I’m just being honest…

If you weren’t so cute I wouldn’t care, but my ego is bruised

I bit my bottom, trying not to get flattered like some inexperienced school girl, but… he called me cute, damn it.

Well, since u think I’m cute, I guess ur ok…

Ok enuff for dinner and a movie?

U just don’t quit…

Quitters never win…

Persistence doesn’t always pay off

Is that the case now?

Maybe…maybe not

I’m taking that as a yes :(

That was a definite maybe ;)

Next week, me and u and a little italiano

Or…we can bypass the bullshit and get some Wendy’s…

Ur every man’s dream… but I gotta treat you to sumthing better than Wendy’s

What’s better than a Wendy’s chicken club and a vanilla frosty?

I see ur point… Wendy’s for lunch and then sumwhere nice for dinner

How’d you go from no date to 2 dates?

Cuz I’m smooth like that ;)

U wish…

…and yet ur going out with me…twice?

Stfu b4 I change my mind

:X

Lol

--------------------------------------------------------

I’ve been staring at my cell since I could remember and I couldn’t put a finger on what the hell was going on. It was booted up and running, I’m certain. The bill was always paid and I was lying in bed by the window just to assure I had five bars of signal strength and yet… It wasn’t ringing, vibrating, buzzing, chirping, or whatever the hell else this piece of shit is supposed to do when I’m being contacted…

Actually, that’s a lie. It has been doing all it’s supposed to with the exception of receiving any sort of contact with Sasheirah.

I was beyond confused. Yes, it was sort of awkward having to share a bed the last time she was here. Yes, I woke up to her tucked beneath my arm, hugging my waist like shit was normal, but I crept out of bed so gently that she didn’t wake, so there was no way she could’ve even known she was in such a compromising, vulnerable position.

I was the one who kept playing it over and over in my mind trying to get it to stick. The warmth of her body and the softness of her hair and skin weren’t easily forgotten when the moment was over, but I woke up feeling electric when I realized she was so close to me. How could I not when it’s all I ever wanted? When

I realized that she would’ve been cuddled up to just about anything, including her cat or a pillow, I decided to take that godforsaken run to calm my nerves and get a grip. No matter how hard she was squeezing me in her sleep, a conscious Sasheirah would’ve denied me. A conscious Sasheirah would let it be known that her affection was regrettable.

But Sash wasn’t conscious when I left and I didn’t tell her about it, not that I had the chance, and I certainly didn’t do anything romantic like make her the breakfast-in-bed or written ‘I love you’ at the end of the note I left her. No, I didn’t do any of that shit because I was trying to save myself all trouble and yet… I was in trouble, –apparently huge trouble – and the worst part is not knowing what the hell went wrong.

“Justin… I love ya, brother, but if you’re havin’ me on speaker just to breathe to me, I gotta go. I could be doing something more productive… like my fiancée…” I rolled my eyes at my cell phone, wishing Trace was next to me so I could punch him for being such an ass.

“I’m sorry, man, there’s not much to say – she went off runnin’ when I went for a run… I’m getting worried though… I mean, Sash is sometimes a little non-responsive to my desperation, but she’s been a lot more considerate whenever I mention the baby and I’ve mentioned the baby in just about every voicemail and text message and still nothing… What’s up with that, man?” I pouted, staring up at my white bedroom ceiling. I haven’t moved in nearly an hour. My basketball shorts were starting to annoy me and the sheets against my bare back seemed to make me itch as I wiggled, getting restless.

“I dunno man,” Trace sighed through the phone resting against my chest, “I wish I knew her better. She seemed really cool before… everything…” I winced. I don’t think Trace has even forgiven me for that yet.

“Look, the only way to catch her is to stalk her at this point. She’s avoiding you and you didn’t do anything wrong this time, so something might just be upsetting her. Is there anything she wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to you about?”

“Geez, I don’t know, man… Everything Sash related?”

“Don’t get smart with me ‘cause your woman’s drivin’ you crazy,” Trace chuckled, but I couldn’t find the humor in it.

“I have been stalking her. Calling her and her friends… Showing up to her job… Waiting at the times she usually goes home… Dude, I even drove to every Wendy’s joint in the vicinity… I don’t know what else to do. Check her bank statements? Credit card account?” Trace was silent for a moment and then it clicked.

“No, I’m not that low.”

“Hey, I’m just saying… You can get your fingers on where she’s been… Maybe she went to Bermuda and got lost in that triangle…” My ears couldn’t believe it and I was worried that Trace was serious about going through her account…Although it was rather tempting to see if she was out of town.

No, no. What the hell am I saying? I rolled my eyes, using my toes to peel my white tube socks from my ankles down. “No way in hell. I’m in enough trouble… If Sash thought I went through her personal shit, she’d fuckin’ murder me… Murder. Dead. Gone. I’m not even joking.” Despite my seriousness, Trace laughed.

“This woman’s got you so scared, man,” he said, smiling through the line, “You’re whipped.”

“I never denied it,” I said dejectedly, “I just wish she’d see that.”

“She does, that’s why she’s being so stubborn,” Trace said comfortingly, “You hurt her big time – she’s trying not to forgive you so she can stay mad and move on.”

“I don’t want her to move on…” I admitted, “I’m not that big of a man.”

“It’s not your call anyway,” Trace said quickly. I felt a pang in my chest.

“Thanks so much for having my back,” I bit back sarcastically.

“I’m not goin’ lie to you; that’s not what real friends do,” Trace said, “You fucked up.”

“I’m aware of that,” I said, “Me fucking up isn’t the issue right now though. Sash disappearing is.” I didn’t need that shit right now and Trace knew it. I was upset as is. The idea of Sash fleeing the country with my baby was overwhelming and he was throwing past shit in my face on top of all that.

“Well, it’s still early over there, right? She’s gotta come home sometime.”

“I’ve already staked out her place,” I complained.

“All night?” Trace challenged. I furrowed my brows.

“No, not all night,” I said, “Can I eat and sleep? I mean, I know she’s alive, so –“

“Do you love this woman?” Trace interrupted.

“That’s a dumbass question,” I said, rolling my eyes again at his idiocy.

“I didn’t ask you that,” Trace shot back, “Do you love her, yes or no?”

“Yes,” I said, playing his stupid game.

“Do you want to find out what’s been keeping her so busy?”
I rolled my eyes, “Of course, duckweed,” I sighed, wanting him to get to the fucking point. I didn’t have the energy for mind games.

“Then guess what, dickweed? You’re gonna pull an all nighter. That’s the only way to get her. Bring a pillow, some Scooby snacks, and bucket to piss in. It’s gonna be a long day.” I wrinkled my nose. Trace could be so foul sometimes.

“I think I’ll just take my chances pissin’ at the gas station or 7-11,” I said.

“You might just miss her while you’re gone,” Trace said in a teasing tone, “Bring yourself a bucket.” I scratched my belly and shook my head at the ceiling. I was going to actually stake out the joint. I was really going to be a stalker – ‘Nsync-crazed-fan style.

“Should I bring binoculars too? Maybe some duct tape and some rope in case she gets crazy when I tackle her?” I laughed at my own ridiculousness and Trace joined in.

“Hey, I’m not gonna judge you if Sash likes that bondage stuff…” Now I really couldn’t swallow my laughter, bursting with a laugh that hurt my stomach. Trace always knew what to say, even if nobody else saw that.

“Thank you,” I breathed once I calmed down. “I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a while…”

“I’ve noticed,” Trace said, pausing for a moment. I felt the weight of something serious looming, “Are you okay, man? Like for real?” I rolled my eyes, shrugging even though he couldn’t see me. I’ve known Trace since I was in the womb. He was my brother. He knows my best and worst sides. He knew me on some levels that even my mother didn’t understand…

But there was pain still residing in my chest… The guilt, anguish, love, frustration… Even though it was all driving me nearly insane, I felt that he would never understand. I felt that he was on Sash’s side, and rightfully so, but it made him biased. Every time I said I felt anything towards Sash, everybody told me to man up because I fucked up, even my mother. I didn’t want to keep on being judged. I wanted somebody to tell me it was okay and I was working on it and doing my best. I wanted somebody to tell me that she loved me to and to keep hope alive. Trace couldn’t and wouldn’t do that because he doesn’t understand me, for once in my entire life. I never felt so damn alone.

“Yeah, man… I’m fine,” I answered weakly, “I gotta go though - getting prepped to stalk is a lot of work.”

Trace did one of his ‘you’re-full-of-shit-and-I-disapprove’ grunts and I rolled my eyes.  “Call you later to let you know how it goes?”

“Yes, much later,” Trace complained, “It’s 8:34 in the morning, man. I should kick you in the balls for calling so early.”

“Sorry, I forget about the time zones when I’m stressed. My mind isn’t clear.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Trace yawned into the line, “Call me tonight.”

“Sure,” I promised before we said our goodbyes. I stared at my phone, a part of me wanting to call him back and tell him I wasn’t okay at all, but I resisted the urge, reminding myself that he wouldn’t
understand. I was the enemy and forever would be.

---------------------------------------------

My ass was getting so numb from being in the same spot for an hour since I crawled my way out of the back seat of my truck. I had taken a much needed nap three hours into my stake out. The sun had set during my rest and I woke to a dark neighborhood – Sash’s dark neighborhood.

Her car was parked where it had been when I first arrived at her door this afternoon. Rather, the Lexus I bought her was still parked where it had been when I first arrived… At least she kept the car. It looked all shiny and new, so she was keeping up with it too. I smiled when I saw that, feeling like she was holding onto me or something; keeping me shiny and new in her mind, but that was stupid. How do I know?

Because I ran up her front steps, thinking she was home since her car was there. Can you imagine my disappointment when I stood outside her door, banging and ringing the bell like a crazed manic until some neighbor across the street told me she wasn’t home. I apologized for the raucous and the older woman just grunted and slammed her door shut, mumbling something along the lines of ‘crazy white boy’. Was it weird that it made me smirk ‘cause it reminded me of Sash’s ‘Casper’ and ‘white boy’ days when we first met?

God, I was pathetic, I realized after that moment. I was also an idiot for not asking where Sash had gone and with who if she had no car, but I wasn’t crazy enough to knock on that woman’s door and bother her for information. I accepted it for what it was, got back into my truck, and blew Sash’s phone up. Nothing, of course, but I didn’t leave any voicemails asking her to call me back – no, I would just wait.

And waiting is all I’ve been doing. I was starving though. I had grabbed a subway sandwich and bags of chips, water bottles, and a Snapple before I settled earlier, but I had eaten the last of my Flaming Hot Cheetos and my Apple Snapple was running low. It was nearly 10:30 at night. Where the hell was she at for over eight hours? Was something wrong with the car and she couldn’t drive it to work? That wouldn’t make any sense because it was brand spankin’ new and I’d buy her a new one if she had mentioned it…

Then again, maybe that was the problem. Or maybe she’s so mad at me, for whatever reason, that she would catch the bus instead of driving the car?

That would be so ridiculous, but so Sasheirah. Her stubbornness was unyielding.

I reached over to hit on my overhead light so I could see if I had any cookies in my glove compartment, but headlights lit up her one-way street, blinding me as I checked my rearview to see what idiot had their beamer lights on. The car passed by where I was parked across the street from Sash’s place. The car with the Jesus lights ended up being a Camry, older and some light color that looked orangey in the street light. It slowed to a stop in the middle of the street, right next to Sash’s car. I jumped up in my seat, clicking off the light, and leaning down quickly for a better look. I hit my chin against the leather steering wheel in the mist of my excitement, but I ignored it, moving up. My eyes narrowed, trying to catch the face of the male figure that emerged from the car, taller than me it seemed; maybe by an inch or two exceeding my height. He was casually dressed, but was still all in a button up that looked too uncomfortable to be wearing on such a spring night.

He made his way around the front of his running vehicle, jogging almost too quickly for me to catch his face in the glare of his headlights. Almost. The moment I caught a glimpse of that face, my gut lurched forward and my heart dropped to my stomach – it was that godforsaken supermarket guy! Dan? David?
Darnell? What the hell was his name?

“Oh wow, how chivalrous.” My anger ceased when her laughter floated through my rolled down windows – her lively voice making my stomach quiver in that longing way that makes me queasy. Then there was her silhouette as supermarket guy took her hand and guided her out of the passenger side door. My eyes couldn’t see her now in complete detail, but I could make up the bushel of light curls on her head. The glow of her skin in the street lights as well as the white of her spring dress, covered up by a light colored cardigan that fit her nicely, was almost too much. Damn, she was so beautiful.

And then that supermarket freak leant down and placed his undeserving lips to her hand, kissing her knuckles and making her giggle in a way I haven’t heard since… Well, since I kissed her knuckles or cheeks or the spot behind her ear that smells really good because she always dabbed a bit of perfume behind there…

But he didn’t know that. He didn’t know shit and he got to kiss her got damn knuckles? Eight hours and this is what I see? Sash, with supermarket man, all dressed up like she – Wait… hold the fuck up.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” I leaned closer to my window, but ducked down a bit to catch the conversation.

“I’m surprised I did,” Sash said softly. His car was still running, so at least I knew he wasn’t going to stay, but this lingering conversation – “I didn’t think I’d like sushi that much, but I think I’ll be having it again.” I gasped – Sushi?! Sash practically ate her chicken charred just to make sure it was fully cooked and now she’s eating sushi? What the hell happened in the last month? Where the hell did he even come from? And why is he feeding her sushi? Fish had mercury and that’s bad for babies! Doesn’t he know she’s pregnant? I mean, he has to know. I can see her baby belly from here! He knew she was pregnant and he gave her mercury filled fish! He’s trying to kill my baby, I know he is! That evil son of a –

“Well, next time you want to go, you know who to call,” he said, “Anytime.” His hand drew up to caress along her cheek and my jaw dropped when she didn’t reach up to slap it away. She actually giggled. Giggled and looked away like some virginal fucking school girl. I wanted to take my eyes out. I wanted to go blind and deaf and have my memory the fuck erased.

“Thank you for tonight,” Sash seemed to mumble, but I couldn’t make it out. She was talking so softly now and even in the dark, I could see that spark in his eyes as he stared down at her. I knew that look. I’ve given that look a million times. He was going to kiss her and she was staring him in the eyes and seeing it too.

Move, Sash! Move! I wanted to scream, Slap him and run! But it was of no use because he was licking his lips like some predator, ready to feed, but no, Edward Cullen, with your goo-goo eyes, you will not be making my Sash your Bella Swan! I jumped out of the truck, slamming my door so hard that they both jumped and looked back in my direction.

Sash gave me the deer in headlights look as I stomped over and Dillon just stared, contorting his stupid face in confusion.

“Do you know how long I’ve been sitting out here?” I ranted, my chest heaving with a swell of emotion so overwhelming that I couldn’t begin to think of a way to relax. I just wanted to punch the shit out of supermarket boy. I wanted to burst into tears and ask Sash why. I wanted to be in my room, alone and away from this bullshit.

“You’ve been waiting for me?” Sash asked, having the nerves to sound surprised.

“Maybe if you answered my fuckin’ calls, I wouldn’t have to do this shit!” I spat, shooting a glare Darnell’s direction, “Is this fucker the reason why you can’t answer your phone?”

“Fucker?” supermarket boy asked, “Who is this guy?”

“I’m her baby’s father, that’s who the fuck I am!” I shouted before Sash got the chance. He actually looked shocked. “What? You don’t see that fucking belly? What did you think? She was storing basketballs or some shit?”

“I knew she was pregnant,” Dane said and I almost threw up in my mouth.

“You’re honestly messing with somebody who’s pregnant?” I criticized. This man was sick and twisted,

“You’re disgusting. That’s just fucked up, man.”

“I’m sorry that you feel like pregnant women are so fucking disgusting, Justin, that’s good to know,” Sash growled, “You really need to go.” I whipped my eyes to hers and I could see the hurt that was not my intention.

“That’s not what I meant, Sash,” I said more angrily than before, “You know you’re beautiful –“

“Justin, please go,” Sash scoffed, waving me off. My blood boiled because supermarket boy was winning.

She wasn’t trying to have me here and that was bullshit.

“No, he needs to go,” I said, jabbing my finger in his direction to emphasize my point, “…because you owe me a fucking explanation.”

“I don’t owe you shit,” she said with a final glare that made me want to back off. I didn’t want to make her so angry now that nothing worked out later, but this was all fucked up.

“Do you need me to call the cops or something?” Donnell asked softly like I wasn’t standing two got damn feet from him, “This dude is deranged –“

“Deranged? I’m about to fucking show you deranged you motherfu-“ I right in his face in a flash, shoving him back into a parked car. I had never felt this rushed in my life. I couldn’t concentrate. I just wanted to hit him.

“Justin what the fuck are you doin’?! Don’t push him!” Sash shouted, pushing me back from where I had somehow wedged supermarket boy between myself and an unknown car. She pushed me back until I had nearly stumbled back. “You need to shut the fuck up and go! Right the fuck now!”

“I gotta shut the fuck up? I gotta go?” I asked in complete disbelief, “You drive me the fuck crazy for the last got damn month, ignoring me and shit and that’s something I gotta just suck up so you and Derek can have your fancy little sushi dates!” I grabbed her wrists to keep her from pushing me any further when she reached out to me. I ignored the shock of her skin against my palms.

“First off, his damn name is Damon! Secondly, why are you all in my conversation? I can go out if I want to. You and I are not together!” She yanked her wrists from my grip, shoving me back another step, “Third of all, don’t ever put your fucking hands on me like that again.” I scoffed, disregarding her last message.

“Look you can go wherever you want after my baby is born because that child is mine and I have a say in who’s around her and where she’s going!” Sash’s dark eyes locked on mine and I saw the fiery on the surface, but something else until she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“Should I… go?” came Damon’s stupid voice from a few feet away. I immediately encouraged his thoughts.

“Yes, please ride the fuck off to wherever you belong to –“

“No, Damon, you stay,” Sash said, turning to face him before slowly turning her gaze back to me, “You go.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, putting my foot down. Sash tried to grill me with her eyes, but I wouldn’t be moved. I was actually right this time and she wasn’t going to get me to go without an explanation.

“Just call me, Sash, when you work this out,” Damon called, already making his way to the driver’s seat.

Punk ass.

“No, Damon, wait,” Sash called, running off like some whipped dumbass and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. She never chased after me, I thought, feeling my anger bubble over. I stomped down to where my truck was parked and kicked the tire. I imagined it was Damon’s fucking face.

“It’s okay,” I heard him laugh before I glanced up, saw him place a kiss on her cheek, and shut his door when she stepped aside. He rode off and she watched for a moment before turning back to me. I stared at her, beneath the streetlight. Her face was solid, void of emotion, but her eyes... Even in dark with the distance, her eyes were saying so much I couldn’t understand, and before I could get a grip, she turned and started making her way to her house. I felt my fleeting moment and I jogged to catch up, barely reaching her before she got to the door.

“Sash! I called, knowing it wouldn’t stop her. Her house keys were jingling violently as she angrily searched for the main key.

“Justin, stay the fuck away from me,” she grumbled, dropping her keys and groaning as she picked them up too quickly for me to get them first. I was standing a respectful distance, but her perfume was wafting, but it was tainted with the smell of his cologne; with the essence of his being in general… It made me sick.

“I’ve been staying away from you for the last month now,” I reminded meekly, “Actually, you’ve been staying away from me.”

“You need to go,” Sash said, finally getting the key and opening the door. I hurried behind her, but she turned on the step, making me skid to a stop because I crashed into her back. I stepped back to see her face and her eyes seemed to have burst with a never ending stream of tears. I was so shocked by the sudden appearance of her emotions that I didn’t move despite the tugging in my gut to hug her. “Justin?” Her voice was as broken as her appearance. Maybe it was just the hormones? I hoped it was just the hormones.

“Yes?” I answered immediately. She wiped her tear stained cheeks and sniffled.

“Can you do something for me?” she asked.

“Anything,” I answered again, without hesitation – Anything to get her to stop crying.

“Go home tonight –“

 “Anything but that,” I interjected. I felt anger rise, considering that those might’ve been crocodile tears. Sash never did anything like that before, but I still held my ground. “Sash, you owe me –“

“I know, I know,” she interrupted, rolling her eyes, “I’ll call you tomorrow, I swear.” I looked her up and down. I couldn’t read her like this. Too many emotions were going around, but the fact that she hasn’t called me in a month, despite my stalker attempts to contact her, leave me a little doubtful to say the least.

Sash saw my hesitation and she rolled her eyes again. “Justin, I just swore.”

“I want it in writing,” I said and she smacked her lips. I raised a brow because I wasn’t joking.

“Justin, I said I will and I will,” she assured, “We can talk about this later. I just can’t tonight.” I wanted to tell her okay, but damn it, she had a month to not talk about it, and I was losing sleep trying to figure it all out. That wasn’t fair.

“I’m sorry; I can’t wait any longer for this. I need to know what’s going on,” I said calmly. I was telling Sash no to something she asked for and that never went well, but I needed to be respected too, at least because she was carrying my child and her well-being directly affected that said child… And also because I really just wanted to know what the hell the problem was.

Sash rolled her drying eyes and walked her way into the house, turning on the lamps and other lighting as she went along. I stopped walking after I shut the door behind me. Bob meowed and I spotted him coming from the kitchen towards me. At least somebody missed me.

“Sasheirah, I’ll leave as soon as you tell me what’s up,” I assured, but my voice was getting whiny because I didn’t want to leave. I was scared I’d never see her again if I did. “I don’t understand why this happened…”

“We’re not having this conversation,” she said over her shoulder as she continued on towards the kitchen.

I groaned. Why couldn’t we have this conversation when it was the only reason why I’ve been stalker her and the only reason why I followed her into her house in the first place?

I felt a brush against my leg and I bent down to quickly rub Bob’s head and behind his ears. He purred instantly, but I hurried after Sash’s form as she disappeared into the kitchen. Her eyes rolled like she wasn’t expecting me to follow when she turned and leant against the sink counter, arms crossed over her chest.

I took notice of the way her breasts pillowed over the v-cut of her dress. Her cardigan, I now discovered, was lavender. Her makeup matched with it, at least the eyeshade.  Her lips were glossed with tinted lip stuff and her skin was airbrushed with foundation. I had never seen Sash with so much makeup on. She even used some blush. She looked beautiful, but in a way that wasn’t quite Sash. I was so surprised. What had happened in such a short amount of time that I didn’t know who she was anymore?

“I wish you’d stop staring at me like that,” Sash said, taking me out of my trance.

“You’re wearing makeup,” I said, stupidly. I could see her face contort with a moment of regret. She self-consciously glanced at the floor.

“Everybody wears makeup,” she said, shrugging. “I bet you’ve had your fair share.” I felt the blood in my cheeks warm. All I could think was ‘I bet Damon never wore makeup’.

“Only for publicity stuff…like magazines, and it wasn’t a choice,” I defended weakly, “It looks good… but it’s just different.”

“Whatever, Justin,” Sash sighed, “We’ve already established that I’m disgusting because I’m pregnant –“

“That’s not what I meant and you know that,” I said, stepping up even though we were still halfway across the room from each other. Sash got stiff regardless and I shook my head. I could never understand how someone who knew me so well, and who I knew in return, could doubt the way I feel, despite the misinterpreted things that come out of my mouth. “You’re so beautiful, Sash…Makeup or no makeup, baby or no baby… I just meant that he was sick for dating you at such a vulnerable time in your life –“

“I’m not vulnerable, Justin,” Sash said, shrugging, “I’m perfectly capable of having sex without getting emotionally involved.” My entire world seemed to stop and I could practically hear my heart tumbling into a bed of acid.

“Sex?” I croaked out, “You’re… him… You and him?” He saw her naked? He touched her baby bump?
He kissed her? He put his… in her…

“Why not?” Sash asked, shrugging again like it wasn’t a big deal that some scumbag touched her maternal body, “I’m single. You’re single…You do whatever and whoever you want so why can’t –“

“Do who?” I asked immediately. I felt a rush of panic and frustration, “Sash, you’re the only person that I want!” I felt my stomach swelling up again with this intense need to vomit. The idea of being with another woman made me as sick as the idea of Sash and that supermarket freak of nature.

“You’re so full of shit, Justin,” Sash complained, “You can’t seriously take me for that big of a fool.” I closed my eyes and shook my head to try and organize my thoughts, but nothing she said was making any sense.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, “Really, I’m lost.”

“Whatever,” Sash scoffed, “I’m not playing this game of ‘I’m innocent’ with you, okay? You have your friends and I’ll have mine.”

“Damon is not a friend, Sash! Damon wants to screw you. After you have this baby, he’s probably looking to knock you up with another one!”

“Oh you should talk, Justin! You’re the one who knocked me up first!”

“That was not knocking up, okay? You and I made love and slipped up a bit, but we’re going to have a beautiful baby girl in our hands in less than five months,” I said, realizing that I was nearly a daddy in a more physical sense. “I’m not some random guy out of the supermarket who wants to bang you.”

“Of course you aren’t that guy for me, but what about that other – You know what? Why are we even doing this? I’m tired –“I raised my hand to silence her. Other what? I wondered because I couldn’t remember who the last woman I spoke to outside of family and the lady in the lobby of my apartment building could’ve been. I wondered who could’ve given her the impression that there was somebody else.

“Now wait a minute, who the hell are you talking about? What other what?” I asked, trying to catch her eyes, but she was looking at everything but me. She took a deep breath and shrugged.

“I dunno, I was just rambling…” she lied and I was ready to call her on her shit so badly, but something made me take a more sensitive approach. She obviously thought I was living up my single life for some reason.

“Do you think I’m dating someone?” I asked gently, “’Cause I’m really not.”

“I guess ‘dating’ wouldn’t be the appropriate word…” Sash mumbled off, confusing me further. “Not that it matters. Like I said, we’re two single adults-“

“Don’t give me that shit,” I disregarded, hating the word single more than I ever have before. Sash’s eyes locked on mine for a moment longer than it she probably intended when I cussed. For a brief second she gave me the ‘who-the-hell-are-you-talking-to-look’, but it fell from her face and I saw so much sadness in her eyes. She was embarrassed too, I could tell by the way she glanced away and sucked her teeth, putting up another of her ‘I-don’t-care-fronts.

“It’s not shit,” she defended weakly; “We aren’t together.”

Whose fault is that? I wanted to ask, but I knew better than to keep her cornered by badgering. “Just tell me what the problem is,” I said, “You obviously think I’m doing something with someone for some reason and I’m not getting it. Besides, aren’t you the one who said we needed to mind each other’s business?”

“No, I told you not to mind my business,” Sash shot back, making me roll my eyes at her twisted double standards, “Besides, like I said, it’s nothing.” I wanted to know more than ever now and all her hesitation was making it that much more valuable. I took several steps towards her and she was too busy staring at the floor to notice. I took my chances moving up until she slowly raised her head when I was close enough to stretch my arms out and touch her. I opted not to, but I did pull out a chair from her kitchen table behind me and took a seat on it. I gestured my head toward the seat across from me and she unfolded her arms and followed suit, taking a seat as well.

I waited a moment as she settled in her seat, but she still wouldn’t speak. “What’s up?” I tried to ask, but she just shrugged. I wasn’t the most patient man, which was starting to show as I took a deep breath.
Was the suspense necessary? “Sash, you’re killing me here…” She seemed to take note of the agony in my voice, shifting uncomfortably. I waited for what felt like twenty years of silence before shrugged, biting down on her full bottom lip. Damn, I missed those lips and Damon had those got damn lips… My heart was aching.

“I feel so stupid, man,” Sash sighed suddenly, seeming exasperated. I sat up in my seat and instinctively reached across the table to rest my palm on top of her folded hands, but I thought better of it and played with the salt shaker instead. The salt was cool metal and glass against my hand, not warm skin with too many damn memories.

“It can’t be that dumb,” I tried to comfort, “I mean, it kept you out of my life for a month…” It better not be dumb, is what I wanted to say because sleepless nights weren’t worth something petty.

“I’m just going to say it,” Sash said, taking a deep breath. I was trying to catch her eyes but she was staring at the salt shaker as I slid it across the table from palm to palm like a hockey puck. I waited for her to just say it, but there was more noise coming from the gentle scraping of the shaker against the oak table than from her.

“Do I need to get a pillow or something? Is it going to be a long night?” I said smartly, trying to make her crack a smile, but she nearly cracked my teeth instead, reaching up to grab the salt mid-slide. She slammed it down on the table beside the pepper and the ketchup where it had been before, but still wasn’t looking at me.

“I…” she started and I leaned over with anxious ears, “Look, I know I was wrong and I got what I deserved, but you’re still wrong here for lying to me –“

“What are you –“

“Shut up, let me finish,” Sash interrupted, not making a lick of sense so far. How the hell did I lie? “Do you remember when I spent the night at your place?”

“Of course I remember the time and place of the crime,” I said and Sash smacked her lips. I made a note to stop cracking jokes.

“Well, when you went out for a run… I guess somebody called or something while I was getting ready to go…And so I don’t know why I bothered with it… but I saw you had a message on your answering machine…”

“Uh huh…” I said, already seeing her guilt. I felt my chest swelling up because so far, I was in the clear, but at the same time, I was checking my memory for what it could’ve been. I had been on my best behavior. Besides, nobody had my new apartment number other than family…unless Rachel’s dumbass gave Jessica my number… then again, what message? I checked that thing the other day and there was nothing but business crap and Trace… One or two were from my Mama when I wasn’t answering my cell…

“Okay, well… There was a brief… message… from somebody…” Sash slowly confessed, making things ten times worst with her sluggish pace.

“Somebody like who?” I asked, but she was still hesitating.

“It was just some woman, Justin! How am I supposed to know?” Sash snapped, pushing away from the table.

“Now hold on,” I said, popping out of my seat. She was standing, but she hadn’t walked off yet. I raised my hands up in surrender. I needed to show her I wasn’t trying to argue, but I was in need of a clearer explanation. “What woman? I know a lot of women.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I wanted to kick myself. Sash looked momentarily mortified before composing herself.

“That’s wonderful,” she said sarcastically, “Keep it up, Justin.”

“You know what I meant,” I said, making her roll her eyes, “Just tell me what she said.”

“She said she wanted to fuck you, Justin,” Sash said bitterly and my gut lurched because that’s the last thing I was expecting, “You know what’s crazy though? You almost had me convinced that I was it for you and then you have voicemails from Latin women calling you out ‘cause they miss you, or rather parts of you, so damn much. Didn’t you just get that apartment? You couldn’t wait to hand that number out.”
I was straining to comprehend what was being said. I didn’t understand why she checking my voicemail nor was I understanding how she could go out with Damon for God knows how long and be mad at me because non-existent Latin women are leaving me voicemails. What happened to be being single? Furthermore, what message? There were no crazy sex-driven messages on my answering machine. She was probably bullshitting to distract me from the real cause of her disappearance, namely Damon DeSupermarket. Well, I’ll be damned Sash!

“Number one, I don’t even know crazy Latin women trying to get into my pants, despite what you might think of me. Numero dos, why are you checking my voicemails? Number three, I thought we were single, Sash. Isn’t that what you told that stupid Damon guy? Furthermore, I don’t have any unheard messages on that machine, so I don’t even know what you’re –“

“I deleted it, Justin! If you were in my position, would you leave that message there?”

“Sash, I would never be in your position because I couldn’t violate your privacy like that. I would trust your word that you weren’t seeing anybody! At least before tonight anyway because Damon sure as hell was a nobody last time I checked and now he’s dropping you off in the middle of the night –“

“I thought you were seeing another woman, Justin. I was just trying to get back at you… I dunno…” Sash said, gesturing with her hands in a chaotic motion that probably matched what was going on in both our heads. I would never understand this woman. First she doesn’t want me and then she kisses me and then she hates me and now she’s dating guys to make me jealous…

“Sash, this is crazy,” I sighed, “What is it that you want? You can’t check up on me behind my back to see who I’m with or not with, for that matter, and then talk all this shit about being single, but dating because you’re mad and then doing immature shit like avoiding me because you’re wrong and obviously hurt –“ Sash groaned.

“I really don’t want to discuss this anymore,” she said with a trembling voice. I saw the waterworks gleaming in her eyes as she tapped her sandaled foot against the kitchen tile, “You have the reason and now you can go, Justin.” I felt a rush of frustration shoot up in my chest as I slammed my fist against the table. Sash jumped like the condiments that tipped over from the force and clashed in a way that brought on the silence. No more foot tapping, even the street seemed more hushed. Just our breathing sounds for a moment, mines heavier than hers as I tried to get my thoughts together because I couldn’t do this back and forth shit anymore.

“Sash, I know I’m a lot of things and I’ve fucked up, but you are far from perfect and your major flaw is your inability to express yourself honestly unless it’s about something dumb like the way I chew or what you hate about co-workers’ work ethics something basis. When it comes to how you feel…how you feel about me, in particular, you’re loaded with b.s. and to be frank, it’s irritating.” Sash was silent and I couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad thing. She had a habit of shutting down when shit was getting too honest and it annoyed me further. It was clawing at a brick wall with her.

“Anyway… “ I continued after the silence, “I love you, you know I do, and for a brief moment I was hesitant about those feelings when we first got involved because there was so much going on, but since it’s been just you and me, I’ve been very clear about my feelings, even after all the bullshit, even after this stupid, unnecessary time apart, and your childish antics…” I waited for her to attack my ridicule, but she was still staring at the floor, biting her lip. I knew she was listening, accepting every word, “Even after this, I still want you and all your craziness because I want us and I know you want us too or you wouldn’t be so irrational at times…but you won’t admit it. You push me away and I can understand, but Sash, you’re denying me completely. Your saying all these hurtful things instead of just being honest, saying that you’re hurt, but you want us back together or that you don’t want me to see anybody else – not that I am – I just want you to say it though. Say how you want me and love me too and no bury it to the point where I sometimes believe you’re over me, despite the fact that I know better.

“I just want you to tell me I’m not crazy and when this baby comes, you want a family and you want me around and you need me as much as I need you. I have to hear you say it or I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can wait around for you knowing that you’ll forever be beating around the bush and making me walk on eggshells for the rest of my life. I’m not asking you for your forgiveness right now, but I am asking you for your honest opinion on our future…and whether or not we have one so I can know what to do,” I took a deep breath, feeling like I was rambling a million emotions at once, “I hope that made sense.”

Sash nodded, licking her lips and wiping away some silent tears. “Is that something I have to answer tonight?” Her voice was light and trembling.

“I can let you sleep on it,” I offered, knowing that the anticipation of even one night was going to be painful.

“Is this an ultimatum?” Sash asked, laughing without humor. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but as I piled up her faults against my love for her – pros and cons – I was starting to see it as that. I really needed to know. I couldn’t keep having Damon-like guys come along every time she thought I was seeing someone in my so-called single lifestyle. I couldn’t deal with her disappearing, criticizing, and constantly reminding me of my mistake, big as it was.

“I guess so,” I shrugged before realizing she wouldn’t take that very seriously. I cleared my throat and stood up straighter, “Yes, it is an ultimatum.”

“And if I choose you, what happens?”

“We keep working on us,” I explained, “I’ll love you for the rest of my life and I’ll make sure you have any and everything, including a newfound trust in me. And absolutely no more contact with Damon or mysterious Latin women.”

“And if I don’t choose you?” Sash inquired, making my gut shake.

“Then… We both move on with our lives without consequence. No dating out of jealous, but at a real chance at something. I’ll still be a great father and I’ll give you want you need… for the baby. We split up holidays and weekends…The whole divorce type thing…Maybe we’ll eventually be friends or something? I don’t really know…”

Sash nodded, taking it in as I processed my thoughts. If she didn’t choose me, I’d have to let her go. I’d have to find a way to stop loving her and be able to date… The whole idea of trying to find somebody else seemed ridiculous. The whole idea of us being friends seemed even more implausible. I could never deny my feelings for Sash or feel that electric with somebody else.

“Okay,” Sash said after a moment of silence, “Tomorrow then.” I nodded staring at her until she looked up at me with glossy eyes. “I guess you should be going.” There was a sharp sting of rejection and I felt the urge to take it back and accept all her crazy, but I was already making my way out of the kitchen before I even thought about moving. By the time I reached the door, I realized Sash had stayed back in the kitchen. Bob meowed at my feet as I trailed towards the door, a weight on me, pushing down. I bent over and gave Bob a rub that he arched his soft furred back into, purring perfectly. I thought about how much he seemed to miss me and pathetically hoped Sash would take that into consideration as I unlocked the door and went out onto the step, shooing him back inside as he tried to follow me out.

Right as I turned to pull the door close, I heard the unmistakable sob escape Sash’s throat. An instant burning shot through my eyes because I felt that pain ripping right through her. I was guilty. She tried to love before and it went horribly wrong, costing her two of the most important people in her life. Then she tried to love me, but in a stupid attempt to forget the pain of losing her, only to find I hadn’t lost her at all, I fucked her over again by fucking somebody else.

 I only added to the craziness that was going on. I caused those thicker walls to form and it felt so wrong for me get frustrated because I couldn’t knock them down this time. I had no right to give her an ultimatum, but it seemed like the only way to see where she actually stood with me. It was selfish and I hated myself enough to want to take it back and tell her she deserved better, but the thought of Sash with Damon or anybody else didn’t feel right…but a part of me knew she wouldn’t choose me. A part of me knew that this was all over and that I was a fool for thinking she’d go for it. That she’d take me as the unworthy asshole I was now seen as.

I pulled the door shut behind me, gently closing it so she wouldn’t know I was still there, listening to a private cry. I felt oddly perverse for doing so, like some sort of peeping tom. I barely made it to my car before tears were falling from my eyes because I love her and I lost her and because of everything in-between.