Apparently it’s not a good thing to show up stoned in your first rehab meeting. I’m sure we weren’t the first, because they sure as hell have this whole searching the room for drugs thing down to a science. Ash and I stood in the doorway while they rummaged through our shit, looking for any trace of anything illegal we may have.

         “Can I just have my shoes quick?” Star Girl shouted from the doorway. “My feet are cold.”

         “You’ll get your shoes in a minute when we’re done,” the guy answered.

         “OK, cause my feet are really cold.”

         He stopped his searching and looked at her feet. “You’re wearing shoes now.”

She’s an idiot. “Yeah but they’re still cold. My other shoes make my feet warmer.”

“Oh, all right, these shoes over here?” he asked.

“Yeah, that’s them. Can I have them please?”

“Of course,” he said before picking up the shoes, “Oh wait, look at this,” he grabbed the bag of blow from the shoe, “Look what I found.”

“Weird. It’s probably just… sugar.”

“Yeah, probably. Why don’t you two go have a seat in the lobby?”

“K, sounds good. Can I have my sugar first?” I grabbed onto Ashlee’s hand and dragged her into the lobby before she gets herself into more trouble. I swear I’m the only sane one in this partnership.

“You’re an idiot.”

“I am not. I bet he thought it was sugar.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he did,” I answered sarcastically. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t always this stupid. The blow really does kill brain cells.

We sat in the lobby for a few minutes before a man came into the room and stood in front of us. I get the idea he’s someone important, He’s tall and has glasses, his hair is graying and he’s wearing one of those sweater vests with the triangles. The way he looked down at us made me feel like I was ten and in trouble with the principal. “Hello Ashlee, who’s your friend?”

Ash didn’t answer; instead she looked down at her feet. It really is like we’re ten and got sent to the principal’s office. Apparently they know each other.

“Justin,” I answered for her.

“Justin.” he repeated, “Why don’t you two come with me and we can have a little talk?”

“Orrr,” Ash finally spoke, “We could talk separately and not together. I’ll go first, he can stay here, and then we’ll switch.”

“Ashlee, I think it would be more beneficial if we were to talk all three of us together.”

“Teddy, I don’t really care what you think. I don’t want to talk all three of us together.” Now I know she knows him because he never told us his name.

“Why don’t you want us to talk together, Ashlee? Is there something you’re hiding?”

“No, Teddy, I just think it’s pointless and it’s not like you have anything else to do so we can talk separately.”

I’m just going to sit here and watch the two of them going back and forth. I’ve never felt so clueless in my life. Obviously Ash knows this guy, he clearly knows her, but that’s all I get.

“We can talk here if you’d rather,” the guy, Teddy I guess his name is, said before pulling a chair over.  Ash took a deep breath and stormed off, Teddy stood up to follow her, “Why don’t you join us, Justin?”

I stood up and followed them into his office. Ash was already sitting on the couch with her arms crossed over her chest. I sat down next to her and Teddy pulled a chair closer and sat down. “So, Justin, I’m not sure what Ashlee has told you, but she has been here before, right Ashlee?” she didn’t answer, but it doesn’t really surprise me, she did say she’s been in rehab before and this seems to be a pretty well known one so I guess it makes sense. “How many times have you been here before Ashlee?

“Once,” she answered with a scowl.

“Once. How long ago was Ashlee, do you remember?”

She took another deep breath and looked down at the ground, “Two years.”

“Two years,” he repeated. He likes to repeat and say people’s names, that’s for damn sure. “Was that your first experience with a rehab facility, Ashlee?”

“Yup.” She’s lying; even I can tell she’s lying.

“Really? Because last time…”

“OK, whatever, I was in a couple other ones.”

“Three! OK? Happy?”

“I’m happy that you’re being honest, Ashlee. I’m not happy that you’ve been to rehab five times.”

Five times? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! How does someone go to rehab five times?

“What about you, Justin?” he turned his gaze to me.

“What about me?”

“How many times have you been…”

“None, this is it,” I answered. I’m not the kind of person that goes to rehab, and I sure as hell am not going to be the kind of person that goes to rehab more than once. I’m different from Ashlee; I know it’s fucked up to do this shit. I know it’s not a good idea and I know it’s going to mess me up. That doesn’t mean I’m not addicted to it and I don’t want it more than anything. But at least I know that I need to stop, that’s more than I can say about Star Girl.

“How are you liking it so far Justin?”

I had to laugh at that, “Not exactly liking it so far Teddy.”

“Do you think maybe we can start over? If you want to get better, and I assume you both do, than you need to work for it. We can’t have drugs in this building.  If you’re going to be bringing those things into this building than we’re going to put you somewhere else. There are much worse places out there. Ashlee, I know you can tell Justin all about them. But this isn’t one of those places. We try to trust our patients; we trust that you’re here because you want to get better. If you’re not, if you’re here just because this is court ordered and you think you’re going to get through this and then go home and start up again, then you can go to one of those more intense houses, with cameras and cells where you feel like a prisoner. It’s your choice.”

“I’m all for not going to a prison, so I guess that means I’ll stick it out here.” I answered before looking over at Ashlee who just nodded her head.

“Wonderful. I’m glad we were able to have this talk. Thank you Justin. Why don’t you head back to the room and I’m going to have little talk alone with Ashlee for a minute.”

I nodded my head and stood up before looking at Ash who was still sitting there with her arms crossed looking at the ground, “You alright?”

“She’ll be fine,” Teddy answered for her, “We’ll just be a minute.”

That’s my cue to leave. I’m going to take it as a hint and let him talk to her. Maybe he can talk to her like my mother could, maybe there’ll be something he can say that will make her listen. I don’t know, but the fact that she’s been here before, and been to five other fucking rehabs worries me. It scares the shit out of me actually because it makes me think she doesn’t give a shit. That’s scary.

When I got back to the room the guys digging through our shit were gone. I don’t know if she had another stash but I’m sure if she did they took it. I’m kind of relieved they took it actually; it’s easier when there’s no temptation. I’m not so sure I could pass on it if it was right in front of me.  I lay on the bed, waiting for Ash to come back. I need more information on her multiple trips to rehab.

It was a few minutes later when she came in and walked right past me and started digging through her stuff, “Shit, they fucking…” she said under her breath.

“You had more?”

“Obviously. Fuck.”

She didn’t say much else, just took a deep breath and fell on the bed next to me. “Five times Ash?”

“Yeah, five times. Cool, get over it.”

“You don’t think maybe it’s time to take this a little more seriously?”

Another deep breath and an eye roll before she answered, “I don’t get the big deal. What’s the big deal? Why are drugs so bad anyway? Because our moms say they are? Because the cops come in when you’re in fifth grade and tell you to say no? I mean, I feel way better when I’m high, so who cares if it’s good or bad to do them. For me, its good, cause I feel good.”

“You’re not yourself when you’re all drugged up though.”

“Says who? Maybe I’m not myself when I’m not high. Maybe I’m supposed to be high. Maybe that’s just me.”

“It’s not you,” I assured her.

“You don’t even know me. You only know me when I’m high. What makes you think you’re still going to like me when I’m sober? You’re not. I’m a complete bitch when I’m sober. I hate life, it sucks. It’s not fun, it’s boring, and shit happens that you can’t get away from. When you get high you can get away from it. When you’re not, it’s like your trapped.”

“That’s not true. It’s probably been so long since you’ve been sober that you don’t even remember what it feels like.”

“That’s bullshit, I was sober for like six months and every fucking day sucked. Every single day.”

“That was probably because…”

“Look,” she broke in, “I don’t need to be lectured, I just got enough of it.”

I held my hands up in defeat. Obviously this isn’t working, I’ll have to come up with some other plan. She went for her phone and sat down on the ground before calling a number. “Yeah…. I need more… uh huh… ok, yup. Right. Later.”

“Who was that?”

“You know, suddenly you’ve become a huge pain in the ass. I think I do want my own room.”

“I just asked who you’re fucking talking to because it sounded like you were talking to your fucking dealer. I know you couldn’t possibly be planning on having your dealer bring you some coke while you’re in a fucking rehab center.”

She took another deep breath, “Are you going to tell on me?”

“Of course I’m not going to tell on you. I just don’t understand how you’re going to get this guy to bring you in shit.”

“They’re idiots here, I’ve done it a million times. I just say he’s my brother and he comes to visit me and he brings me some fucking brownies.

I nodded my head, not sure what else to do. She really is more fucked up than I thought she was. “When’s he coming?”

“In like an hour,” she said before rolling over to her stomach, “This place is so boring.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to take a nap. Wake me up when he comes,” she didn’t wait for a response before she closed her eyes and was asleep before I could answer. 

I fell asleep too and woke up when someone came to the door to tell Ashlee her brother was here. I kept my eyes closed and pretended I was still sleeping so I don’t have to take any part in it. I can’t believe they fell for it, you’d think they’d be on to her now, especially since she’s been here a few times. I would think they’d have her name and picture hung on the wall of every rehab center in the tri state area.

“Where’s the cash?” I heard him ask.

“I don’t… have any cash.”

“What? You’ve got to be fucking kidding. You made me come all the way out here and you don’t have any fucking money?”

“No but wait, come on, you know I’m good for it.”

“You’re in fucking rehab Ash… unbelievable.”

“OK wait,” she called and I could hear him coming closer, “Take my card, ok? But bring it right back. My password is 8279. Take out, how much? Seventy-five… fine eighty cause it’s 20s. Then bring it right back, alright?”

“Yeah, alright.”

“You promise you’ll bring it right back?”

“Yeah, alright” he repeated. I heard the door close and then I felt Ash fall back on the bed. She’s got her stash, now what happens when they find out she has more? It’s only a matter of time.