I have no sense of time. I don’t know how long I’ve been hiding out here. I don’t know how long it’s been that Ashlee’s be sitting on the ground leaning against the couch playing with a piece of string she pulled out of her t-shirt. It could be months, it could be years, fuck it could be hours. I don’t think its hours. I think it’s more like weeks, maybe months. Fuck, I’m confused.

What I do know is it’s been a while since my skin has seen sunlight. I haven’t eaten in just about as long, but I’m not hungry. I’m thirsty though, “I’m fucking thirsty.”

Ashlee doesn’t remove her gaze from the string in her hand, “Me too, is there any more Jack?”

“No, I’m thirsty thirsty.”

“Ohh,” he held that word out for what seemed like hours, “Do you want me to make you some fucking lemonade?” she laughed.

“Yeah, that’d be cool.”

“OK. But I don’t have lemons or ade. I don’t get it. What does the ade come from? It’s kind of like fruit punch, there’s fruit but what’s up with the punch part?”

“That’s just what it’s called.” I assured her, “I’m still thirsty.”

“OK, let’s figure it out,” she stood up and made her way over to me, wearing only a short t-shirt and a pair of red panties. I don’t think she’s worn a pair of pants in a month, or however long I’ve been here. Come to think of it she hasn’t worn a bra, I’m not complaining about either.  Ashlee grabbed onto my hand and pulled me into the kitchen. She opened the dishwasher, and looked inside it for what felt like minutes.

“What the fuck are we looking in here for?”

She turned her face to look at me, “I forget.”

“A drink!”

“Oh… then what are we doing here?”

I laughed and pushed her against the counter, “You’re fucked up.”

“I am not. OK, I am. A little, but so are you.”

I smiled before kissing her and placing my hands down her panties, in return she grabbed onto my dick, “OK, wait thirsty.”

“You started it!” she screamed and pushed me away so she could get in the refrigerator, “We have milk!” she shouted before pulling it out and holding it up to the light, “But there’s shit in it. Chunks. It’s cheese! Fucking cheese, let’s make some cheese… stuff.”

What could we possibly make with cheese? “I’M THIRSTY!” I shouted, I get distracted way too easily.

“Alright! I get it! I can’t make it magically appear. Heeeey… We can go to that place and get some stuff for when you’re thirsty.”

She grabbed onto my hand and led me to the door that she opened but closed quickly after noticing she was still wearing only her panties and a short t-shirt. “It’s cold!” I shouted.

“Fucking cold,” she agreed before going into the room and pulling a pair of pants and a sweatshirt on. I put my own clothes on and followed her out of her apartment. I haven’t been outside in years maybe, but it’s late and I’m fucking thirsty.

It is cold. So cold there’s that white stuff on the ground. I can’t think of what the fuck it’s called but it’s white and fluffy and it’s falling from the fucking sky.

“It’s snowing!” Ashlee shouted, “It’s snowing!” She’s shouting it over and over again but there’s no real excitement in her voice. Its like she’s just announcing it like you would if you were to see a shark in the ocean. I guess she’s warning everyone within a five-mile radius of the snow in case they’re unable to look out the fucking window.  “I don’t have any cash.”

“Me neither.” I do, however, have one of those card thingies that you put in the money machine and out pops money.

“There’s a money machine,” she informed me as she pulled the hood over her head and started rubbing her hands together. I’m positive that there is another word for that money machine but I don’t know it and I sure as fuck can’t sit around and think about it forever.

I put my card in and stood in front of it for a couple minutes trying to remember my password. It’s even harder to remember it when this girl won’t shut the fuck up. I swear she physically can’t shut her mouth for more than a minute at a time. “We should go see my dealer too cause we’re running low and get some hot chocolate… and some funnel cakes.”

“Where the fuck are we going to get a funnel cake?”

“I don’t know. A fair or something.”

“It’s snowing!”

“Well they probably have like inside ones.”

“Inside fairs?” she’s fucking crazy. She doesn’t even know what’s coming out of her mouth.

“Shut up, don’t laugh at me. It’s possible.” Now she’s pissed. She left me with the money machine and went into the corner store across the street.

I pulled my hood tighter before following her. I’m paranoid.

“Hi!” Ashlee said as soon as she walked into the store, “I’m looking for that stuff you have when you’re thirsty. You know, it’s like… drinky and stuff.” The man behind the counter looked at her like she’s crazy and pointed her to the coolers. It’s good to know I’m not the only one that thinks she’s crazy.  “Thank you!” She’s shouting again. I swear she can’t control herself. “Hmm. I wonder,” now she’s talking to some random kid next to her, “Hi. Do you have any suggestions? I’m thirsty and I don’t know what I should get to help me with my thirst.”

“Uh…” the kid began looking around before he answered, “I’d say anything in the cooler is a pretty good bet to help with your thirst. Maybe some water?”

She nodded her head, “Water. You know what’s weird? I totally have one of those things in my house. You know where you can like turn the thingy and water comes out. I didn’t even think of that. Do you have one of those at your place?”

He full out laughed and continued looking around, probably looking for some hidden cameras. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure just about everyone in the world that’s not living in a third world country has a sink in their house. What are you on?”

I wouldn’t be surprised if she told him. I wouldn’t be surprised if she sat this kid down and gave him a very detailed description of exactly what it is she’s on. She needs to just hurry the fuck up and get what she needs so we can go. Everyone’s already looking at her like she’s crazy it’s only a matter of time before they all turn to the equally doped up guy she came in with. I may be paranoid but I don’t what to have to go back to my fucked up life. I’m kind of enjoying the way I’ve been living these past weeks/months/years. I still don’t know how long I’ve been here.

“Atticus!” Stargirl yelled putting an end to any hope I ever had of getting out of here unnoticed, “What should we get to drink? This guy says water but I don’t like water that much I like Jell-O.”

I walked closer to her so she would stop screaming although I should have known better. The girl just likes to scream; it doesn’t matter if I’m on the other side of the store or not, she’s still going to scream. “Just get some shit, hurry up.” I grabbed a few bottles of soda to speed this up before walking around and getting some more stuff.

“OK! We’re all done!” she walked to the cashier dumping her arms full of food and drinks on the counter.

 I placed my shit on the counter too but handed her the cash and waited outside. They’re looking at me funny, I swear they are.

“These bags are heavy. What the fuck?” Ash asked as she struggled her way out of the store. She’s kind of adorable when she looks like she’s about to fall. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still annoying as fuck, but she has her moments.

“Let’s go. They’re looking at me funny.”

“You’re paranoid,” she started laughing hysterically. “We just gotta go get some funnel cakes then we can go back.”

I grabbed the bags from her hands, “We’re not going to get fucking funnel cakes. There’s no place to go get a funnel cake.”

“We can make one,” she’s seriously going to cry. She gets these random ideas in her head and then gets all sad like it’s the end of the world when I say it’s not possible. A couple days ago all she wanted was a slice of Key Lime Pie that she got when she was ten on a vacation to Key West. How the fuck are we supposed to get that?

“I don’t think so.”

She took a long, exaggerated breath as she continued walking to the corner her dealer is on. “You stay here. He doesn’t like you. I’ll switch,” she said handing me the plastic bag she had in her hands and I gave her the cash.

It’s a fact the dealer doesn’t like me. I don’t know why and honestly it’s kind of fucked up. They probably had something going on at some point. I don’t give a fuck but he needs to stop being such a bitch. He likes my money just fine, but every time he comes over he looks at me like I’m the devil himself. Yes, he does make house calls. I’m sure we’re the only ones he makes house calls for but sometimes we’re so fucked up we can’t even manage to go outside and around the corner to meet him. When I say we I mean Ashlee. This is my first time outside in months/years. Unless if you count the roof. I don’t count the roof. Would you count the roof? I mean, it’s outside but not on the ground or anything. It’s kind of like in the sky, or floating or something.

“Come on!” Ashlee broke me from my thoughts and walked right past me with that huge smile covering her face. She gets that smile only when she gets a new supply. I doubt she’s ever smiled that big for anything other than that. On the way back to her apartment we passed a grocery store where she insisted we go in and buy some flour and sugar and eggs. Apparently she’s going to make her own funnel cake. She’ll probably light the building on fire.

I took a deep breath when we safely made it back to her apartment. I really thought I’d get caught. “Fucking crazy.”

“What is? You are cause you’re so scared. I told you no one cares about you anymore,” she laughed before wrapping her arms around my waist, “Come on, let’s fuck.”

“I’m thirsty.”

“I don’t care,” she whined. Even when she’d doped up she whines. “OK, fine. Drink then we can fuck.” With that she climbed on the counter and grabbed the bag of powder from her sweatshirt pocket sticking her finger inside and then spreading the powder on her gums.

I poured myself a glass of whatever liquid I could get my hands on first and drank it quickly before grabbing the bag of powder from her hands and walking to the couch. I grabbed the mirror from the table and the rolled up dollar bill and got right to what it is I seem to do best. Ashlee sat down next to me and grabbed the mirror from my hand, following my example. I grabbed the remote and turned the television on before throwing my head back and itching my nose. Now I’ll be sniffling for the next three hours but it’s worth it. This high is worth anything.

“If anybody knows anything,” I heard the voice from the television and froze. I know that voice, I know that voice all too well. “Anything. Please, I beg of you please let us know. We miss him so much and we love him so much. He’s my life. He’s all I’ve ever had and I just need to know he’s ok. Justin, if you’re out there and you can hear this. We love you. We miss you. We want you to come home. We’ll find you, don’t give up. We’ll find whoever has you and they’ll pay for this.”

That was my mother. My fucking mother sounding all miserable and worried. She’s talking about me; I’m the Justin she’s talking about. I turned the television off but couldn’t remove my gaze from the blank television in front of me.

“They think someone took you,” Ashlee started laughing, “Like you’re seven and got kidnapped. Don’t they know you’re a grown ass man and you wouldn’t get kidnapped?”

“Shut up,” I answered calmly, still unable to look away from the screen.

“Like you were just walking down the street and this guy was like, hey little boy, want some candy? And you were like yeah mister I’d love some candy, let me get right into your big black van so you can give me some.”

‘Shut up,” I answered a little louder.

“Or some creep was like, hey little boy I lost my puppy will you help me find it?”

“Shut the fuck up!” I screamed this time finally able to look away from the television, “Shut the fuck up.”

“It’s kinda funny, you have to admit,” she’s still laughing.

“No, it’s not funny actually. Not even close. Not even a little bit.”

“God,” she threw her hands in the air and pulled her pants off, “You’re so fucking touchy. Call her then. You should call her and let her know you’re alive. Let her know you’re ok.”

I nodded my head and grabbed the phone from the table, took a deep breath and dialed the number.

“Hello?” I heard her voice and felt my heart stop beating. I didn’t know how much I missed her, honestly I didn’t think about her that much but now that I hear her voice. I mean, she’s my mother. I didn’t mean to run away from her, she wasn’t the problem.  I couldn’t have told her though because she would have given me away. She’s too pure to lie; she’d come up with some other solution like she always does. But they never seem to work. “Hello?

I sniffled, “Hey,” I answered softly.

My mother sounds like she’s crying already. All I needed to say was one word, three letters, and she knows who I am. “Justin? Baby, is that you?”

“Yeah Ma, it’s me.”

“Where are you? What’s going on? Are you ok? Does someone have you? Are you hurt? Justin!”

My head’s pounding already and I can hardly see straight. The coke is going right to my head, “I’m alive. I’m ok. I’ll call you when I can.” I paused to sniffle once again. Dammit that’s annoying. “I love you.” I said quickly before slamming the phone down. That was harder than I thought it would be. Much harder. I didn’t think my mother would be that upset. I didn’t think she’d care that much, I didn’t think anyone would.

I looked at Ashlee, fully expecting her to start her annoying giggling but to my surprise she didn’t. “Maybe you should go back.”

I shook my head; I don’t want to go back. I just don’t want my mother to be so upset. “I’ll call her more… so she doesn’t worry.”

Ash nodded her head and leaned back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. “Yeah, you should call her more. She’s worried. Moms shouldn’t be worried.”

I nodded my head and fell back along with her, “Isn’t your mom worried?”

“No. My mom doesn’t care.”

“I thought your mom was dead.”

“Well… that’s why she doesn’t care, cause she’s dead,” she says but for some reason I don’t believe her. She slaps my leg and our emotional moment is over, “Let’s make funnel cakes!”

Ash gets up and heads over to the kitchen but I lay on the couch instead. I’m not like her. I can’t just move on so quickly. I can’t get the sound of my mother’s voice out of my head, or that look on her face when she was on television.  She really thinks someone was out to get me.  She really thinks I’m being tortured when I’m doing all this shit to myself.

I dozed off and woke up to Ashlee banging her head over and over against my leg. She’s sitting on the floor and playing with an elastic, I doubt she even knows that she’s hitting my leg.  “What happened to the funnel cakes?”

“Oh shit!” she shouted and ran into the kitchen. Luckily for the apartment building and all of New York she didn’t get too far. There’s a bowl with some flower and an egg in it and a frying pan full of oil that was never even put on the burner. “I don’t really know how to make them,” more whining, “I mean I know they’re like stringy but I don’t know how to make the batter stuff.”

“We can look it up online.” I suggested before working into the kitchen.

“You’re so smart.”

“I am. I’m glad you finally see it.”

I can’t really explain what happened next. It happened in slow motion but I’m so fucked up I don’t even know what happened. What I do know is that the door was kicked in and all of a sudden a swarm of men came running into Star Girl’s apartment.

“Get on the floor! Get on the fucking floor!” one of them screamed and I did what I was told. They’ve got more funs than a fucking gun shop I’m not one to take a stand against that.

Ashlee, on the other hand, thought now would be a great time to take a stand against the guys. “You get on the fucking floor! This is my house! What the fuck? I’m trying to make a funnel cake!”

Her true New Yorker is coming out, that’s for damn sure. I look over at her and tell her to just chill and get down. There’s no doubt in my mind these guys will shoot her. She rolled her eyes, took a deep breath and slowly made her way to the ground only to be forced back up a couple seconds later.

This can’t be good.