I took a long swig of my beer as thoughts of that night left my mind. I guess that’s why I felt like a hypocrite. I’m getting mad at him for something that was half my fault also. Considering my stated and how he was involved I really should have been the one doing the calling.
“Easy there Killer.” Justin said as he helped me clear the counter of our mess. He grabbed our empty bottles and put them in the trash as I followed suit with the pizza boxes. I took one more long drink from my beer and threw the bottle in the trash.
This wasn’t good.
Those memories, plus having them while Justin’s here, isn’t good at all.
“So I think we need to talk.” Justin said as he followed me out of the kitchen and into the living room
I sat down on the couch, “Talk about what?”
“A lot of stuff, like last night for instance.”
I swallowed and I knew automatically where this conversation was going, “What about it?”
“Did you notice how we slipped back into the swing of things like nothing ever happened?”
It did feel like it did all those years ago. “We did didn’t we?” I said with a smile.
“I just want to know where we stand with each other. Can I be honest with you?” He asks as he turned his whole body to face me on the couch. “You know like you were with me in the kitchen?”
Well hell. “Sure.”
“I never stopped loving you. I’ve tried to except the decision that I made when I left you in the airport, and I tried to write off the way that I felt for you as puppy love, but I couldn’t do it. I’ve searched for what I had with you with every girl that I thought looked appealing to me, but I couldn’t. Not even what I had with Britney holds a candle to what I felt with you. You were, are the only girl that can drive me crazy with just one look, or just one simple touch like holding my hand.”
Well at least I’m not the only one who’s victim to something like that.
“What are you saying?” I asked.
Why I asked that I don’t know. I knew damn well what he was saying.
Maybe I just wanted to hear him say it.
“I’m saying that I would like to give me and you another chance. We’ve lost sixteen years together, and that was mostly my fault. I’d like to make that all up. But only if you’re willing to give it another go.”
Sixteen years. Sixteen long years, I’ve waited to hear those words. What I would have given if he would have called like he said he would, maybe things would have been different now, because there is so much left unsaid on my part. Like one reason that is almost grown up, and is sleeping at a friends house right now.
God I want to be with him again. I want it so bad. At least that much hasn’t changed. But so much more than that has. Too much time has passed between the both of us.
Now more than ever I wish I would have took Trace’s advice.
But it never seems to amaze me that my mouth and heart are connected, and my brain- the smarter one by the way- is left out in the cold. Neither mouth nor heart even considers it’s opinion. So imagine my non-surprise when my mouth opens and begins to talk while my brain is silently protesting.
“Are you sure? I mean lots of things have changed. I’m not the same girl that you fell in love with.” I said. I guess that was my way of telling him the truth but with a hidden meaning.
Aren’t I amazing?
NOT!
“I know you’re not the same. You’re a mother now. You’re not a teenager anymore and neither am I. You’re a smart, independent, and even more gorgeous than before, woman. All of that has made me fall even more in love with you than I already was.” He said as he grabbed my hand.
“I don’t know.” I said unsure. And for once in my life my brain got to speak up without my heart’s overbearing voice shutting it out.
“We don’t have to rush into anything.”
When I didn’t reply he continued, “I’ve lost you once, and you’ve come back into my life. I’m not going to let you go again. There’s a reason we found each other again, Keel. I know it’s hard to believe that you can find your soul mate when you’re fourteen years old, but I think I did.”
Forget my guilty brain. Insert heart, “Ok, but as long as we don’t rush.” I said.
“Really?”
I smiled, “Yeah. I think it was the bullshit about me being your soul mate that got me. Do you use that on all the girls?” I ask with a playful smile.
“This was my first time trying it out. I guess it worked. Do you think I should use it more often?”
“Only on me.” I said as I reached over toward him and pulled him by shirt toward me as I crushed my lips on his.
Do you ever get that feeling when you see, smell, or hear something you automatically get pulled into the memory.
Kind of like those Hidden Valley Ranch commercials. You know where the person is sitting at the table with their salad and they pour the dressing on and take a bite and then you see that they’re thinking about home. Because the taste of Hidden Valley make them feel like they’re there with their family.
That’s how kissing Justin felt to me.
In an odd since I felt like this was where I belong. And for once I forgot about how guilty I was. Time would tell. But I know that if I keep buying my time, everything is going to blow up in my face.
I’ll loose everything that was ever important to me. Possibly even my son.
October 2000
“Kaden put that down.” I said as I pressed the talk button on my phone.
“Hello?” I said into the receiver.
“Hey sweet cheeks. Remember me?”
My face lit up, “Trace! God I haven’t talked to you in forever. How are you?”
“I’m good. I’m just chasing our pop star friend’s ass around the world. He thinks I have nothing better to do.”
I wince at the mention of Justin, “Are you having fun?”
“Yeah. Everyday is pretty interesting. Never a dull moment.”
“How are the guys?”
“They’re good. They ask about you a lot.”
“Really?”
Even though I didn’t have much time with them, I still missed the Nsync boys a lot. Everyone of them, especially JC, were so great and talented. I could see the first second that I met them why Justin loved them all so much.
“Yeah. So, how are you?”
“I’m good. Life as a student, and single mother are working out pretty good considering.”
“How is the munchkin?”
“He’s great. Growing like a weed everyday.” I said as I fondly looked over at my two year old baby boy.
“Are you ever going to tell Justin?”
I sighed. It never failed that every time I talked to Trace he always brought it up. It was like his goal in life to not ever let me forget who my child’s father was. It wasn’t as if I weren’t reminded every day when I looked into my son’s eyes. “Yes, Trace. In due time, ok? I can’t just call him and say ‘Hey, guess what? You’re a daddy.’ And that’s not a conversation that I can see us having over the phone nonetheless.”
“I understand. You know if you would come home every once in a while you could tell him face to face.”
I love Trace. I love the man to death, but sometimes he just knew how to stomp on every single one of my nerves.
And to think today was a good day.
“Trace! It’s not your business to tell alright? You’re not the one that has to live with the decision everyday. You’re not going to be the one who gets punished for it in the long run. So please let it go, alright?”
“I can’t let it go. Especially when I know how miserable my two best friends are without each other.”
“Well try ok? And you know what? I’m really not all that miserable without him alright?”
Yeah right. That was a horrible lie if I ever heard one. Either Trace decided calling me on that would be an argument he would save for later or he actually believed me.
“Keeley things would be so much easier for you…”
“What if I like things the hard way, Trace?” I snapped.
“You know what? You’re just as stubborn as he is.” He sighed, “Whatever, if you can’t see how this is going to possibly going to blow up in your face if you don’t let it out soon then I’m just wasting my breath.”
“My point exactly.”
“Change of subject. Did you get the birthday present that I sent him?”
“Yes, I did. He loves it.” I said looking over to where Kaden was dragging behind him by the arm, an almost bigger than him, stuffed gorilla. It was a stuffed Turk from the Disney movie Tarzan. Which happened to be Kaden’s favorite. Kaden slept with that thing every night, every where we went he had to have Turk with him.
“You know Nsync did a song for that movie?”
I rolled my eyes, “Yes I know.”
“Do you ever think that maybe the reason that he loves the movie so much?”
“The song isn’t even in the movie Trace.” I said already getting frustrated again.
“Well…still. It’s on the soundtrack.”
Which we have to listen to every where we go. And it just so happens he likes the song that they did with Phil Collins, Trashin The Camp.
Wonderful, huh?
“Yes, I am fully aware that it is on the soundtrack. You call one time when I’m in the car with him and that song is on, and you won’t leave it alone.”
“He may know that subconsciously that’s his father singing to him.”
I roll my eyes, “Since when did you become a Psych major?”
“Hey I took it for one semester…”
“Before you dropped out of college completely.” I interrupted.
“Shut up.” He said laughing.
I could hear another voice on his side say, “Who you talking to?”
I heard Trace cough and say, “Just a friend.” Then he said to me, “Hey, I’m gonna let you go. I’ll call you later alright?”
I smiled sadly to myself, “Alright. Thanks for calling.”
“Hey, no problem. You know I got to check up on my favorite girl.” He said then I heard the “person” in the background giving him grief over the favorite girl. I swear some things never change.
I laughed silently, “I never knew I was your favorite girl.”
“The one and only that is until I find my other one and only.”
“I’m glad I can be of service.” I said as I laughed.
“Momma I hungry.” I heard as I looked down to see my son standing before me with those blue puppy dog eyes.
“I guess I really do need to let you go. I’ll talk to you soon ok?”
“Momma I say bye!” Kaden said excitedly as he reached up with his short stubby little arm.
“Hold on someone wants to say bye.” I said as I bent down to his level. I held the phone to his ear, and instructed, “Say ‘Bye, Trace.’”
He smiled, and said into the phone, “Bye, Tace!”
I pulled the phone away, and heard Trace laughing, “Kid’s adorable.”
“Thanks, I’ve been trying.”
“So you’ll call me soon?”
“Promise.” Trace said
“Bye.”
“Bye.” He said as I pressed the end button on my phone. I hung back on the jack, bent, and scooped my little boy in my arms.
I put loud kisses all over his face, and he was laughing trying to push my face away with his hand, “Dop, Momma.”
“I can’t help it. I love you too much.”
“I wuv you too. I hungry.” He said dramatically rubbing his belly.
Yeah, we all know where he got that trait from.
I adjusted him on my side, and walked into the kitchen, “What do we want to eat?” I asked as I placed him in his little booster seat.
“Donalds!” He squealed.
The kid could eat his way through some Happy Meals.
“How about some…” I drifted away as I looked through my pantry, “Yeah let’s go to Donalds.” I said as I walked over to my son and scooped him into my arms, and grabbed my keys off the table.
“Yay! I get to play when we get there momma?”
“If you eat all your Happy Meal.” I said as I closed my apartment door behind us and locked it.
“Can I play wif my toy while I eat?”
“That would be a no.” I said as I walked to my car. I pressed the unlock button on my key ring, and saw my lights flash signaling that it was unlocked.
“Pease?” he said with THE pout. Justin wasn’t even around to teach that, and yet he had down to the T.
“No.”
“Pease?” He said again as I sat him in his car seat in the back.
“No.”
“Pease?” He said again as I buckled him into it.
I pushed some hair out of his face, and kissed his forehead, “I’ll think about it.” I said as I closed the backseat door, and walked around to my side of the vehicle.
If he kept that up how would I ever be able to say no to him?
Author's Chapter Notes:
There's no good out there for me now
There's nothing I can't do without
I can't live without
You make me feel like heavens pourin' down on me
I know I'm free
I Don't Want To- Ashley Monroe
There's nothing I can't do without
I can't live without
You make me feel like heavens pourin' down on me
I know I'm free
I Don't Want To- Ashley Monroe
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