I laughed as I popped two pieces of popcorn into my mouth. I was laughing at something Justin told me. We were supposed to be watching a movie, but we ended up just talking through the whole thing.
It had been one week since our conversation that we had over pizza, and this was our first official outing as a…couple…again.
Ok so it wasn’t an outing per say. We were just chillin at his house tonight. He said tonight we were going to officially get caught up with each other. We were going to talk about everything. But I think one certain point will be left out of the conversation.
“So is your favorite band still New Kids on the Block?” he asked as he grabbed some popcorn out of the bowl that sat between us on the couch.
“No, my taste in music is much different now thank you very much.” I said as I threw a piece of popcorn at him.
“Glad to see something changed.” He said taking a drink of his beer. He sat the beer down on the table next to him and looked back at me, “Are you ready to get a little more personal?”
“Fire away.” I said. At this point I was comfortable telling him anything. Well except THAT. That would have to wait until I get it sorted out in my head.
“Was there anybody after me that you loved?”
I thought about that for a second before I answered, “There have been a few that I know I cared very deeply about. One that I did love and thought that I could build a life with but I thought wrong.”
“What happened?”
“Turned out that he wanted me and not me and my son. He had plans to send him a private school; you know one of those richer schools where you have to live in a dorm like you’re in college? Kaden is my life and I wasn’t willing to let him be away from me and I am able to only see him on the weekends.”
“He seriously wanted to send him away?”
“Yep, that plus I found out he was messing around with his secretary.”
“Damn what tree did you pick that one off of?”
“Probably the same one as some of yours fell off of.”
“Probably.” He said taking a drink of his beer.
“So what about you?”
“The only other girl that I loved besides you is Britney. Other than that no.”
“I was surprised you and Brit didn’t get married.” I said grabbing my beer. I pouted when I saw it was almost gone, but took a drink anyway.
“Ah, I was almost ready too.” He said looking at this bottle. “But almost doesn’t count.”
“I guess it doesn’t.” I said sitting my beer back down on the table.
“What about Kaden?”
I paused with a piece of popcorn half way to my mouth, “What about him?” I asked as put it in my mouth and slowly began to chew it.
“How’d you do it?”
“Well I don’t know if I want to talk about that memory…” I said in a joking tone, but how ironically close that was to how I was feeling.
“You know what I mean.” He said smiling.
“To tell you the truth I don’t know how I did it. I just did it. I had no choice. I know I couldn’t have done what I did without my mother.” I said shaking my head fondly.
“You’ve got a pretty amazing kid.”
So do you.
“Well I tried my best.”
“He really seems to adore you.” He said smiling.
“The feeling is mutual.”
“How did he come into music?”
“Well you know me I’ve always loved music, but you get me to write or play something I suck. But with his it just comes natural. One year for Christmas my mom got him a toy guitar and he loved that thing and surprisingly he played it in tune to every song.” I said smiling at the memory.
Which if you ask me sounds eerily close to that story that Lynn tells about Justin singing in perfect tune with the radio when he was kid.
Like father like son I guess.
“Wow, pretty smart kid.”
“The first song he ever responded to was…” I laughed; I couldn’t believe I was telling him this, “Trashin the Camp on that Tarzan soundtrack.”
“The one with us and Phil Collins?”
I shook my head yes, “Yep.”
“How old was he?”
“Probably about two.”
“So if he wants to pursue music professionally are you going to let him do it?”
He asked me that question as if he knew something I didn’t, “Why?”
“I don’t know I was just asking. He seems like music is what he wants to do in life. I was just curious if you would support him with it.”
I looked at with my eyebrow furrowed together like I was trying to figure out something, “You know something.”
“I don’t.” He said defensively.
“You forget that I know you like the back of my hand. I know how to read you, Justin Randall.”
He sighed, “Ok, he told me that day that he and I were messing around in my studio that he really wanted to try his hand musically.”
“And?”
“And that he didn’t know if he should because he didn’t want to leave you.”
That kid. Have I mentioned lately how much I love him? I smiled as I bit my lip to try and keep the tears that I knew were going to come at bay.
“I’ve always told him that I would support him anyway I could. I would have not problems with him leaving me to go follow his dream. That’s why I never held you back.”
He’s such an amazing kid. I don’t know how I ever got so lucky.
“And for that I’ve always respected you. You loved me enough to let me go. For a time I resented you for not telling me not to leave. But then some crazy short guy told me that I was seeing it all wrong.” He said smiling as he took my hand. I knew the crazy short guy that he was talking about. I wonder if he bugged him about me as endlessly he bugged me about him.
“You know he practically bugged me everyday to call you.” He said pulling me from my spot on the other side of the couch next to him.
As if sixteen years never went by with out him I found my favorite spot. My head rested in that nook between neck and his chest, and my arms were wrapped around his waist with my legs draped across his lap.
“Isn’t this how you used to sit with me?”
“Mmm hmm.” I said breathing in his scent. It was the perfect mix of his natural smell, laundry detergent, shower soap, shampoo, cologne, and deodorant. I swear if they could bottle this up I would be relaxed all the time. It was like an aphrodisiac and a smell that relaxed me.
I felt him playing with my fingers, and running his fingers through my hair.
He really wanted me to go to sleep.
“You know if you’re trying to get me to go to sleep so you can play out your dirty fantasies…you’re succeeding.” I said sighing.
“I’m pretty sure I want you awake for one of those.” He said as he let the hand that was running through my hair fall to my hip.
Why did I even have to bring up fantasies to Justin?
Now it had me wondering just…You know if he was THAT good when we were fifteen….I wonder…
Damn! I need to stop that.
Oh, god.
With every intake of breath the more his scent got under my skin, and the more my mind began to wonder.
I think I’m a little to close for comfort.
“This is nice.” I hard him say as he rested his chin on my head, and rubbed circles on the little sliver of skin that was showing between the hem of shirt and top of my jeans with his thumb.
I was trying my hardest not to breath in with my nose. I swallowed hard.
“Uh, um,” I struggled, “What time is it?”
“It’s 11:30. Why? Are you ready to go? We’ve only been here for three hours.”
Shit, shit, shit. What do I do?
If I stay here I’ll end up jumping his bones and throwing all declarations of taking it slow out the damn window.
“No, I was just wondering.” I said.
This man literally knew how to drive me crazy. He made me want to throw him up against the wall, and do things to him…let’s not finish that.
I can’t take this anymore. I either have to sit away from him, or leave if that doesn’t work.
Or I could like I said throw inhibitions to the wind.
I pushed myself away from him, and acted like I was getting up to get another beer.
“You ok?”
I stood and grabbed my bottle, “Yeah.” I said smiling, “I just need another.” I said twirling the bottle in my hand. “Do you want one?”
He shook his head no, “I’m fine.”
I smiled and walked into his kitchen and immediately walked to his refrigerator and stuck my head into the freezer part.
“Get a grip, get a grip, get a grip,” I kept repeating to myself.
I tensed up when I felt someone’s presence behind me, and my eyes practically bugged out of my head when I felt a hand grab my arm and turn me around.
That’s when I saw Justin staring at me. His eyes were telling me that he felt the same way I felt.
Then he put both of hands on my face and traced my cheekbones with his thumb. He placed he forehead against mine, and barely grazed his lips over mine.
God what a fucking tease.
Then he did it again, and opened his eyes to see if I was going to protest. When he saw no signs of me protesting he practically crushed my lips with his. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pushed him closer to me. As if that were possible. We were as close as we could get without…
Why is it throughout our whole relationship we could never keep our hands off each other.
He pulled away and looked me in the eyes. Thank god for the fridge that I was standing up against or else I would have been on the floor. I could practically feel my lips plumping up from all the suck face I was just doing.
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close touching our foreheads together, “Did you want to do that as bad as I did?”
I smiled, “Hence the reason you found in me in your freezer. It’s the next best thing to a cold shower.”
He laughed and placed a kiss on my nose, “You’re smell is like a…fucking aphrodisiac. It was taking all I had not to flip you over on the couch.”
“I was thinking the same thing.” I said laughing.
“I was thinking, maybe we could kick this thing up a gear or two? Otherwise you’re going to kill me.”
“You’d die happy.” I said playing with the hairs that curled at his neck. I love his hair this length. It’s not insanely curly like the fro he had going on years ago, but curly like the way he had with Justified.
Yes, I was forced to keep up with him. Partly because I was just too addicted and the other half because my son loved his music.
“That I would.” He said placing another kiss on my lips.
“I can’t feel my lips.” I said laughing against his.
“What?” He said laughing back.
“I can’t feel my lips. They’re numb.” I said bringing my hand up to touch them.
He laughed and pulled me back into him and whispered in my ear, “I could make more things other than your lips numb.”
I swear if he hadn’t of been holding me up I would have melted into the floor. I moaned.
Oh god did I just do that audibly.
“Please don’t do that.” Justin said as he hissed in some air.
I guess I did.
“Well don’t say things like that.”
“I can’t help it. I swear when I’m 80 years old you’ll still do this to me.”
“You’ll be a dirty old man.”
“With a woman like you? Hell yes.”
I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to take this much longer. If more of our “outings” ended up like this…the window will be broken with all the inhibitions gone through it.
“I should go while I still have the will power to leave.” I said not ever taking a step but locking my fingers together behind his neck.
“You probably should.” He said tightening his grip around my waist.
Ok so maybe I’ll stay a little longer.
September 1998
I watched as the lights whizzed by above my head. Oh god I’m nauseous.
And luckily I can’t feel anything from the waist down.
I look on either side of me and see my mother on one side and my doctor on the other.
I guess my mom could read what was going through my mind, “Everything’s going to be fine, baby doll. In less than minutes we’ll be holding that beautiful new baby boy.” She said as they wheeled me into the delivery room. I had everyone running every which way around me getting me prepped for my delivery.
My mom was by my side the whole time. Even though the only part of her face that I could see was her eyes, that’s all that mattered to me. Those eyes were very soothing to me.
“Momma I can’t do this.” I said frantically.
“Yes you can baby.”
“He’s not here momma. I can’t do this without him here.” I said tears running down my cheeks.
“It’s a little too late for that baby.” She said sympathetically.
“I should have told him.” I said looking up into her eyes. As if I was asking her forgiveness.
“I know honey. You can’t regret the decisions you’ve made. You did what you thought was best at the time. Who knows maybe it all happened like this for a reason that you’ll only find out down the road.”
“Mrs. Owen can I ask you to place your feet into these please?”
I shook my head yes and did as I was told. “Call me Keeley. Since we have two Mrs. Owens’ in the room.” I said looking up at my mother. The doctor laughed.
“Alright, Mrs. Owen can I ask you to push the button on the bed to make it rise into a reclined position.”
And soon as I being lifted up, “Alright. Now when I tell you to push I need you to take a deep breath and do so. I’ll count from 1 to 10 when I reach ten you can release the breath, ok?”
I shook my head nervously as I reached for my mother’s hand.
Oh my god I’m having a baby.
“Ready?” I heard the doctor ask.
I shook my head.
“And go.”
I took a deep breath and held it.
“…and 10. Alright you can let it go.”
I let the breath go and let my head fall back onto the pillow. I could feel the sweat beads forming on my head.
“You’re doing so great sweetheart. So great.” She said against my forehead as she placed a kiss on it.
I smiled with my eyes closed acknowledging what my mother was saying.
“Alright on 1 take a deep breath.”
I lifted up a little bit to get myself into position to push, “And 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10. Alright let it go.”
I fell back onto the pillow, “I’ve got the head. One more round and this little guy should be out alright?”
Sweat was falling down my face like tears. Why was it so unearthly hot in this room? Was I officially going to hell like everyone said I was? Because it sure felt like it.
“One more time. Like before take the breath on one.” The doctor said again.
I pulled myself into position again and on one took a deep breath, “And 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10.” On ten I heard my son’s cries for the first time and tears began to fall out of my eyes.
“Congratulations Mommy and Grandmommy you have a healthy baby boy here.” The doctor said as the nurse placed a blanket on my chest and the doctor placed my son on top of it after the cord was cut.
“Hey.” I said as I ran my hand over his little nose. He was just a squealing away but when he heard my voice he stopped, and reached his little hand up. I immediately placed my finger into his little palm.
“You know who I am don’t ya?” I said crying even more tears. I didn’t even know I could cry anymore tears, but I guess it was possible.
“Keeley, we need to take him and get him cleaned alright. They’re going to run you back to your room, and as soon as he checked out we’ll bring by your room.”
I smiled through my tears and placed a kiss on his tiny, bloody head. “Bye baby.” I said as I handed him over to the nurse.
The moment that he was placed on my chest I knew my world was changed for the better.
Author's Chapter Notes:
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't see nothin' like me yet
There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love
To Make You Feel My Love- Bob Dylan/Garth Brooks
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't see nothin' like me yet
There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love
To Make You Feel My Love- Bob Dylan/Garth Brooks
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