November 1998
“Oh honey! I’m so glad you’re home!” Lynn squealed as she and Justin walked into their house.
“I am too, mom. I can’t wait to see everyone.” Justin said as he sat his bags down in the foyer. He really didn’t want to worry about lugging all four of his bags and his suitcase up the stairs at the moment. Looking at them, and then at his bags, it seemed unconquerable.
“I’m so glad that you got to be here for thanksgiving. It just wouldn’t be the same.” Lynn said as she rubbed her son’s cheek. She kissed his cheek, and wiped the lipstick off that she left.
“Are Keeley and Bev coming?”
He could see the change in his mom’s attitude, “I…I don’t think so honey.”
“What? Why? That’s always been our tradition.”
“I know.” Lynn said as she motioned for Justin to follow her into the kitchen.
“Then why aren’t they coming?”
“Beverley is going to spend it with Keeley.”
“And they can’t do it here because?”
“Honey, has anyone not told you? Surely you’ve talked to Trace?”
“Yeah I’ve talked to him. And no he hasn’t told me anything about Keeley.”
“She moved to Georgia. She’s going to college there. She moved not very long after graduation.”
“Georgia?”
“Georgia.”
“Why Georgia?”
“Because…” Lynn bit her lip, “I guess that’s where she wanted to go?”
“Are there not any colleges in Tennessee?” Justin asked raising his voice just a little as he sat leaned against the counter and watches his mother look through the fridge.
What she was looking for she didn’t know, but she was looking for something. Of that she was certain.
Lynn grabbed her and Justin a bottle of water, and closed the door behind her. She tossed Justin a bottle, and opened hers up.
“I’m sure she wanted to get out of Tennessee. See what’s out there other than being stuck in Shelby Forest all her life.”
“I gave her that opportunity. I wanted her to come with me.”
“Justin, you know as well as I do how headstrong that girl is. She’s not one to just throw all her dreams to the side to follow her boyfriend around the country.”
“That’s not what I was asking her to do, mom. I just wanted her to come with me.”
“And you also know as well as I do that once it got time for her to leave you would have asked her stay a little while longer. Am I correct?”
Justin looked away, “Can you blame me?”
“No, I can’t. She’s amazing, and I know you love her. But she has her own dreams too.”
“I know, mom.”
“I know you know honey. You just have to accept it. “
Present
Three months.
Three amazing months that have gone by so quick and I’m so much in love.
I’ve always loved that man, but if it’s possible I’m just even more in love with him than I was before.
There’s only one problem though.
I still haven’t told him about Kaden.
Shocking, huh?
What you’re not shocked?
I guess you have reason not to be considering my track record.
But can you blame me?
I mean what would you do in my situation?
I’m so in love with him, and now more than ever I am so sure that he is the one that I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life.
But with this secret lingering over my head it’s making me feel like I’m being pulled in two directions.
I mean my heart has already had to endure losing him once. I really don’t want to go through that again.
But I also know that if I don’t tell him I could lose him and my son forever.
I realize that I have been so selfish in keeping my decision, which is why I have decided to spill it.
I can risk losing Justin again.
But my son? That’s someone that I refuse to lose.
This is why I have made him my first victim.
“I haven’t had Mexican food in so long.” Kaden said shoving a chip with salsa into his mouth.
“I know.” I said smiling at him. He drove us here to the restaurant. In HIS car. Yep, I finally came through on my birthday present for him. He picked out a black hardtop Jeep Wrangler. He loves it, and it fits him. It’s also a safe vehicle, which is what I wanted for him in the first place. I would have bought him a damn Hummer if I knew he would be safe.
“So what did you want to talk to me about?”
“It’s kind of important.” I said taking a drink of Dr. Pepper.
“Uh-oh, the last time that happened we moved. We’re not moving again are we?”
I smiled, “We’re not, honey.”
“Good because I like it here. Wait, you’re getting married aren’t you?”
I laughed, “No, not yet.”
“Oh, well what is it then?”
“It’s about you.”
“About me? What about me?”
I paused and looked around. There really was no easy way to say it was there?
“It’s something that I’ve never told you.”
“Ok, I’m listening.”
“And if you’re mad at me I totally understand. But I couldn’t keep it from you any longer. And I want you to know that I had my own reasons for doing what I did. As selfish as they maybe, but I was young.”
“Ok, mom. I understand. Just tell me.”
“Your father…”
He grabbed my hand, “Mom, you don’t have to.”
“Yes, I do honey. I really, really do.”
“Mom, you’re all I need. I don’t need anyone else.”
As emotional as I am right now…he had to go and say that? The tears immediately came to my eyes.
“That’s something that you definitely get from your father.” I said wiping at the corner of my eyes as I smiled at him.
“What? Making you cry?”
I smiled sympathetically. It’s true I was still crying over him well on into Kaden’s age. I cried when he took his first steps both for me and him. I cried with his first word. I knew he wouldn’t be able to say Dad to anyone, and Justin wouldn’t be there to hear it. And I had no one to argue with on whether or not he said ‘Mama’ or ‘Dada’.
Oh, and his first day of school. I couldn’t even go to class I was so distraught.
“That and always knowing exactly what to say.” I said as I rubbed his knuckles.
“What’s with the sudden talk about my dad?”
“Because he’s come back into our lives.”
“What?”
“Honey, there really is no easy way to say this.” I said smiling through my tears, “I’m sorry I spoiled our dinner.”
He smiled back at me, “its fine. I don’t care about the dinner. This is obviously bothering you. So, just go ahead and say it. I promise everything with me and you will be fine.”
“I think it’s time that I told you who your father is.”
“I always thought you didn’t know.”
I shook my head no. That’s one thing that I never said to him, but I never told him who his father was either. “No, I knew. Up until I had you I had only been with one person and that was your father.”
Kaden shook his back and forth slowly. As if he slightly comprehended what I was saying. Or at least trying to say.
“I was seventeen when I learned that I was pregnant with you. Your father didn’t even know I was pregnant nor did I. At least not until after he left and we had already broken up.”
Kaden continued to rub the top of my hand reassuringly.
“What I’m trying to say is…Justin’s your father.”
He shook his head as if accepting what I was saying. “I suspected it.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes, “You did?”
“Yeah mom. I mean I look like the guy. The only thing that would throw anyone off is my hair. And my musical ability? I mean I know I didn’t get from you.”
I laughed as I wiped more tears, “Thanks.” I looked deep into his eyes. The eyes that mirrored his fathers almost exactly. “You know I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to raise a wonderful son. You are truly the greatest thing that I ever did. I want you to know that I never regretted anything. I never wanted to go back and change anything. Well except not telling Justin. It would have made things a lot easier right now. But I have come to accept that nothing in my life is easy. And it never will be.”
“Mom, you had your own reasons for not telling anyone. I understand that. Yes, I’m sad because I’ve lost so many years without my father. But I have so many more ahead of me to make up for lost time.”
“I was so afraid of that. And you were the easy one. It’s Justin that I’m worried about. He’s going to be mad that I kept him from you for all these years.”
“You know he could have easily came and found you just as easily as you could have come back.”
“I know.” I said smiling at him. Our attention was diverted from each other as the smell of our food was brought to our table. “Well, enough of all this. Let’s eat.” I said as I grabbed my fork and smiled at my son.
He grabbed his fork but paused before digging into his food, “I love you, mom.”
I smiled, “I love you more.” I said as I placed some food in my mouth.
Well the easy part was over.
Now on to the hard part
I rang the doorbell to Justin’s house. “Coming!” I heard Justin yell. Then I heard the sound of his feet shuffling and the clicking of the door unlocking.
“Hey baby. I thought you and Kaden were hanging out tonight?” He said pulling me into a hug.
I hugged him back. He tried to pull away, but I pulled him into a kiss.
I kissed him like I was never going to kiss him again.
Because after I dropped this bomb…I might not.
I had to remember this. His smell, how felt in my arms. The way he drove me crazy with everything that he did. I had to make the most of this while I still could.
“Mmm…wow. What was that for? Dare I ask?” Justin said smiling down at me.
Finally pulling myself away, I smiled, “I just missed you.”
“Well in that case, we should spend time apart more often. I missed you too.” He said smiling as he looked out the door before he shut it, “Where’s Kaden?”
I smiled, “He’s probably out doing…whatever guys do that I, as his mother, don’t need to know about.”
“I thought you guys were hanging out tonight?”
“We did. We went and had dinner, and I asked him to drop me off here.”
“Ah, so he drove huh?”
“Yeah, he’s a pretty good driver.”
“Well let’s take this party in the living room.” Justin said as he grabbed my hand and led me into the living room.
I sat down on the couch and I decided that I couldn’t put it off any longer.
The longer I pushed it out of mind, the more I lost my will to say anything.
“I need to talk to you.” I blurted out.
“Um, ok. Talk to me.”
“It’s important.”
“Ok. What is it?”
“Before I tell you I want you know something. I love you, and I’ve never stopped. The choices that I made after you and I broke up were choices that I made when I was a heartbroken teenager with an impending birth looming over my head. Though they may have been wrong and selfish, they were what I thought was best for everyone at the time. Including you.”
“Me?”
“Yes.”
“How did I benefit from it?”
“You are what you are right now because of it.”
He shook his head confused, “I don’t understand. What are you trying to tell me?”
Tears began to form in my eyes, “Do you remember that night before you left? Before we broke up?”
“Yeah. I’ve never forgot it.”
“Something happened that night. We made…”
“Love. We made love. I remember.”
“Other than that.” I said nervously.
He laughed nervously, “I don’t seem to remember us making anything else.”
I rolled my eyes frustrated at everything, “Justin this isn’t easy for me.”
“I can see that. But whatever you’re trying to tell me is confusing me in the process.”
I stood and began to pace in front of the coffee table. I put my hand up to my head. “Yes we made love. But do you remember anything else?”
“Umm…we had dinner…” I cut him off.
“No, no, in the car.”
He shifted nervously, “Well we made out…a lot. It got a little out of hand, but it always did. We were about to…but I didn’t have…” He stopped.
“Didn’t have what?”
He said in a low tone, “I didn’t have any condoms.”
He looked up at me. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for what was to come.
He finally figured it out.
I bit my bottom lip, “We made a baby that night.”
He closed his eyes. He kept them closed for a few minutes, and he finally opened them. “But how? We only…once.”
“No twice. Both times with no protection.”
Quiet.
He remained that way…for a while.
And for once I found myself wishing that he would yell at me. Something.
He rubbed his hands over his head, and looked up at me, “So…that was sixteen years ago.”
Tears began fall down my face, and I shook my head yes.
“Kaden’s sixteen.”
“He’s your son.” I said low.
“I want to hear you say it.”
I looked back up at him in his eyes, “He’s your son.” I said again.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I never had a chance.” I said through sobs.
“Never had a chance? Are you serious? You mean to tell me you were never around a phone for nine months?”
I know I was wrong. I am able to admit that.
But one thing I am not is completely over what he did to me.
When you promise to call someone, and keep whatever’s left of the friendship that you had, don’t you think it would kind of be your duty to call?
“Me? I wasn’t the one that broke it off and promised to call and never did Justin.”
“No. No. Do not try and turn this on me.”
“How can I not? You broke my heart! When you got on that plane half of me got on there with you! And that’s a half that I never got back.”
“You were pregnant! With MY child. You didn’t think that I had the right to know that?”
“Of course I thought you did. You don’t know how many times that I picked up that phone to call your mother and get your number. Each time I got further and further and further. But I always stopped. I was scared! I was scared that you would come back.”
“You didn’t want me to raise our child with you?” He said giving me a crazy look.
“No. Not that. I was scared that you would do the noble thing that I knew you would do. Then come back, raise our child together, but grow to resent me in the process.”
“Resent you?”
“Justin being Justin Timberlake has been your dream since you was a kid. When I got pregnant you were just beginning to make a name for yourself and by that time you had more than just your career to worry about. You had four other careers to think about. Four other people that I had grown to care very deeply about over the time that I had with them, and I couldn’t be the blame for demise of Nsync.”
“That still gives you no right to keep my child from me. I decide what’s best for me.” He said in a bitter tone.
“And I decide what’s best for me. I had more than myself to think about.” I said equally as bitter.
“Oh and you thought keeping Kaden from a father figure in his life was the best way?”
“You know what; I’ve told you why I did what I did. I’m sorry if it wasn’t up to your standards. But everyday of my life I wish I could go back and undo what I did. If I could go back I would tell you everything. But I don’t have to stand here and justify myself to you.” I said in a bitter tone.
“Yes you do. The least you could do is give me an explanation.”
“And I have!” I yelled, “And no I don’t HAVE to. I’m not the one who walked out!”
“I did not walk out.”
“Yes you did! When you got on that plane I never heard from you again. Not even to say hi and that I’m still alive. I’d call that walking out.” I said crossing my arms across my chest.
“You never called me either!”
“I wasn’t the one who broke it off and promised to keep whatever friendship we had left intact now was I?”
“And that justifies you never calling me?”
“Well what excuse do you have for never calling me? Huh? NOTHING! NOT A DAMN THING! Because nothing compares to the pain that you gave me. Not even childbirth! And don’t give me that bullshit about you being busy! Because I know you called Trace! But you couldn’t call me? The woman that you claimed to love? Imagine, JUST IMAGINE, how that made me feel?” I yelled. I could barely see through my tears.
“Imagine just finding out after sixteen years that you have a son! Imagine how that feels!”
“I’m through!” I said throwing my hands up in defeat. “I didn’t have to tell you any of this. Not one damn thing. I regret never telling you, I do. But I knew to move forward with you, I had to be honest with you. So do with this newfound knowledge what you will. My part is done.” I said as I walked to the door.
My hand was on the knob when I heard him call out to me. “Keeley?”
“What?” I called back never turning to look at him.
“We’re over.”
And for the first time after all that. It felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I bit my lip.
He didn’t need a comment from me. What good what it have done anyway?
I turned the knob and stepped out into the darkness.
But here I was.
On his doorstep.
No car. And his house wasn’t within walking distance of mine. He has his own house separate from his mothers.
Through my tears I managed to go through my purse and find my cell phone. I flipped it open, and called the only person that I knew to call.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Am I living it right?
Am I Living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia why?
I rent a room and I fill the spaces with wood in places
To make it feel like home
But all I feel is alone
Why Georgia- John Mayer
Am I Living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia why?
I rent a room and I fill the spaces with wood in places
To make it feel like home
But all I feel is alone
Why Georgia- John Mayer
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