I sat across from my son and watched him play with the napkin on the table for the hundredth time. He had the same nervous tendencies as I did.
I still can’t believe that I have a son.
I know this no easier for him as it is for me. I liked it a lot better when we had something to talk about.
But right now there’s so much left unsaid and unasked between us that we don’t know where to start.
I cleared my throat and folded my arms across the table, “Uh, your mom told me that you liked Chinese food. Do you want to go ahead and go get some?” I said motioning over to the buffet.
He looked up at me, and it was almost like looking in the mirror. I never realized until to now how much that he looked like me. “Sure.” He said as he got up out of his booth.
Ok something has got to give. I watched him walk to the buffet and grab a plate.
Someone has got say something. I don’t care if he’s calling me a stupid asshole that walked out on his mother. At least he’ll be saying something and telling me how he really feels.
That’s all I want.
I blew out a long sigh and walked to the buffet.
With the way my stomach was jumping through loops, I didn’t know if I could actually eat anything.
I walked back to our booth and sat my food down at the table. I guess I’ll be the one to break the ice.
“Ok, I know this is no easier for you than it is for me. But anything that you want to say to me please feel free to say it. I would really, really like to have a relationship with you.”
I saw him push his noodles around on his plate with his fork. Then he looked up at me, “So would I.” He said as he smiled.
That he got from his mother. She had a smile that lit up her whole face and went straight to her eyes.
Once I knew that he wanted a relationship too it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders, “I’m glad. I was hoping I wasn’t pulling you here against your will.”
“So what do you want to know?” He asked as he placed his fork into his mouth.
I liked where this was headed.
11:00.
What the hell could they have been doing for six hours?
I looked out the blinds for the, I don’t know, six hundredth time?
“Would you sit down?”
I jumped when I heard my mother’s voice come up behind me suddenly.
“You’re going to break my blinds with how many times you’ve looked out of them.”
I sighed and ran a hand across my hair.
“I’m sorry, mom. I’m just anxious to know how everything is going.”
She patted the seat next to her and I sat down, “I’m sure everything is going fine, sweetheart.”
“This is all Kaden has wanted since he found out about fathers. I just hope it’s what he thought it would be.” I said looking back over at the window.
“So are you feeling any better? You know about the whole break up?”
“Honestly, it makes me sick every time I think about it. But I’m glad I did it. If I had it to do all over again I would. I couldn’t continue to do that to Kaden. He’s the only reason that I did anything. It wasn’t because I had to get it off my chest, or because I felt it was the right time to tell Justin, but because I knew I couldn’t keep it from Kaden any longer. He deserved to know.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“Why mom? I deprived my son of his father and the man that I love of his son. That’s nothing to be proud of.”
“Honey you did the best with what you could. You got one amazing son out of it all. He couldn’t have been raised any better if he would have had both of you guys. That’s something to be proud of. That, and the fact that you put your feelings aside to tell Kaden who his father is. Most women wouldn’t have done that. You could have easily kept your mouth shut.”
“It’s not very admirable.” I said as I sunk lower into the couch.
“Keeley, I’ve taught you to never live in the past. You can’t change what you did, and neither can he. You can’t live in regret. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to Kaden. You live with your mistakes and you push forward. Justin will come around eventually.” She said as she patted my hand.
I rolled my eyes. I am so in love with that man, I can’t even think straight.
I’m serious. No man will ever to do to me what he does. He’s…my drug.
I’ve never been able to get enough of him.
I wish I knew how to fix me and him. But I know he’ll never be able to get passed what I did.
And that is enough to make me sick.
“He’s it for me, mom. I know it.” I said as a few tears slid down my face. “What we had when we were teenagers was serious. I’ve tried; god knows I have tried to find something, someone that compares to that feeling. And I can’t. And we were just teenager’s mom. Teenagers!”
She gave me a sympathetic look as I cried into a pillow. I leaned over and laid my head in my mother’s lap. “It hurts mom. It hurts so much.” I said in between sobs as she rubbed my head soothingly.
“I know, honey. I know.”
I know she knows.
I’m turning into my mother.
Which I’ve come to realize isn’t such a bad thing. She’s the best anyone could ever ask for.
Especially right now. She’s exactly what I need.
“But honey he’s hurting right now. He’s got a lot to process. He had just gotten you back, and then finds out that he’s had a son for sixteen years that he didn’t even know about. That’s hard for any man to retain.”
I cried into my mother’s lap for what seemed like hours. Until I had no more tears to cry. I sat up suddenly when I saw headlights come across our wall.
“Do I look ok?”
“You look like you’ve been crying if that’s what you’re asking me.”
“Shit. I don’t want Kaden to see me like this, mom.”
“Honey, its fine. It wouldn’t be the first time.” She said as she watched me run frantically over to the mirror in the hallway. I ran my hands over my face, getting rid of the residue left from tears.
I bit my lip as I looked at myself. This was as good as it was going to get.
I heard talking as the door opened.
Kaden came into my view, “Hi.”
I smiled at him. God I hoped everything went ok. “Hi. How’d it go?”
He smiled even bigger, “It went good. Really, really, good.”
I smiled. God, I was so hoping it would. I brought him into a hug, “I’m glad honey.” I said rubbing his back. We pulled away, and I heard the door close.
Naturally my head turned toward the noise, and came face to face with Justin.
“I, uh, I wanted to come in and apologize for keeping Kaden so late.” He said shoving his hands in his pockets.
I smiled, “Its fine. I knew he was in good hands.” I said rubbing Kaden’s arm. I looked between Justin and Kaden, and knew that I should give them time alone to say goodbye. “Well now that you’re home. I think I’ll go on upstairs. Come by to say goodnight.” I said as I stood up on my tip toes to kiss him on the cheek.
I began to go up the stairs, and I heard whispers between Justin and Kaden. And I heard Justin finally speak up once I reached the top stair leading up to the second stair case.
“Keel?”
I leaned over the banister, and looked down at him, “Yeah?”
“Good night.”
He hasn’t talked to me in that long and all he has to say is good night?
Well at least it’s a start.
I forced a smile, “Good night.”
“Kaden are you home?” I called out as I stepped in the door. I slipped off my heels and I could practically hear my feet sighing in relief.
I contorted my face into a confused look when I didn’t hear him reply, “Kaden?” I called up the stairs.
“He’s studying at a friend’s house.” I heard a voice come from behind me making me jump.
I turned and saw Justin facing me. I placed a hand over my heart as if to try and calm it. “God, you scared me. How’d you get in here?”
“I came over after he got out of school to see if he wanted to hang out. He obviously had a test to study for and he asked me to wait here for you and tell you.”
“He couldn’t have left a note?”
I shrugged, “I guess not.”
I bit my bottom lip and motioned toward the kitchen, “Well while you’re here would you like something to drink?”
He shoved his hands in his pockets, “Sure.”
I led the way into the kitchen letting my hair down out of the clip. It really did feel good to be home. I had a pretty long day trying to explain Shakespeare to a bunch of sophomores who would have rather been doing anything else other than reading Macbeth.
I stopped in front of the fridge and opened it. I looked over the drinking contents and frowned. Not much of a selection, “We’ve got tea, water, water, and more water.”
I heard him chuckle. “Water’s fine.”
I grabbed two bottles of water and pushed the door closed with my foot.
I tossed him a bottle, and untwisted the cap on my own bottle.
“How’ve you been?” Justin asked as he took a drink of his water.
“I’ve been good. I’ve been tired mostly but other than that really good.”
What did he want me to say?
That I was miserable without him?
Because honestly, I am miserable without him.
But I’m not about to willingly release that information.
He smiled, “That’s good. I’m glad to hear it.”
I smiled back as I took a drink of my water.
I placed the bottle back down on the counter as we entered into a dreadfully uncomfortable silence.
“I hate this.” He said finally, “I hate what we’ve become Keel.”
I looked down at my hands that were resting on the counter.
“I miss my friend. I want her back.”
“I thought you didn’t want to be around me?”
“Keel we have a son together. There’s no way that I can’t be around you. And what gave you that idea in the first place?”
“Ever since I told you about Kaden the only thing that you’ve said to me over that span of time is ‘Good Night.’ I just assumed…”
“I didn’t know what to say to you. You dropped a pretty big bomb on me. I was hurting, and honestly I was pissed at you. I’m glad that I didn’t say anything because I might have regretted what was to come out of my mouth.”
“Justin I don’t know how many times that I have to say it. I’m sorry. Everyday for the past sixteen years I’ve regretted what I did to you, and to Kaden. But with each day that passed the harder it was for me to pick up the phone and call you.”
“That’s not exactly news that you would want to drop over the phone though. And I’m glad that you chose not to do it that way. But you want to know what hurts the most?”
I remained silent to show that I wanted to know.
“Ever since that day that I left you in the airport I have always wondered what it might have been like if I had chose to stay. And I always tried to figure out what could have made me stay. And if I would have known that you were pregnant I would have stayed and made a life with you and never thought twice about it.”
“Justin you say that, but is it really true? Would you have honestly stayed had I asked you to? You’re second guessing now the path that you chose to follow. If you had chose a different one with me who’s to say that you wouldn’t be second guessing that life? Especially once you saw the success that Nsync had. That’s the last thing that I wanted. I knew how much you wanted that, and I refused to be the reason that you gave that up for.”
“But as much as I wanted that success I wanted you just as much.” He said as he grabbed my hand, “You were it for me. I think even then I knew that. No other girl has ever made me feel the way you do. I’ve tried, god knows I have, to find something or someone to compare to the way that you made me feel. And let me tell you…performing in front of millions of people comes close, so damn close. But it still ranks second to what you do to me.”
Uh…wow.
I tried my best to gather my voice. I swallowed hard and bit my lip, “Ho-how do we get past this Justin? I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. But I don’t want to lose you.” I said as a tear slipped down my cheek.
“I don’t want to lose you either. I found you again, and not even an atom bomb-like the one you dropped-can keep me away.”
I looked up with hopeful eyes. Was he serious?
“You forgive me?”
“There are years that I will never get back with my son because of withheld information. But who’s to say that if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t have done the same thing. It took me a while to realize that I didn’t know what you went through after I left, and I never would. You had your reasons for doing what you did, and I realize all this now. It took me a while, but I do. So yes I do forgive you.” He said with a smile as he rounded the counter, and gathered me into a hug.
We stood there for a while in each others arms before he lifted me off the ground so we were forehead to forehead. I placed a small kiss on his lips.
“God, I’ve missed you.” He whispered as he closed his eyes.
“Me too.” I said smiling as I placed a longer kiss on his lips. I could never get enough of these lips. They’ll be the death of me one of these days I tell ya.
I pulled away from the kiss.
“Mmm…what did you do that for?” Justin said licking his lips, “I was enjoying that.”
He placed me back on the ground.
“I just remembered. Now I know this is no where near as great as the real thing, but I have archives upon archives of Kaden from birth until now. Pictures, videos, you name it I got it. Would you like to see them? So you can get a small taste of what he was like when he was little?”
I saw his eyes light up, “I would love that.”
I grabbed his hand and led him toward the stairs, “Come on.”
“It was rough let me tell you.” I said rolling my eyes. I smiled as I watched Justin laugh.
He were now on the second year of Kaden’s life. I had all the albums arranged by age.
The picture in question was of me and Kaden. He was hamming it up for the camera holding his diaper in his hand as I was trying to get him to go pee-pee in the Big Boy potty. He was completely naked.
“You have ammo to embarrass him with all his girlfriends.”
I smiled, “I do, but I wouldn’t do that.” I said as I watched him flip the page.
He smiled looking over all the pictures before he looked up at me, “How did you come up with his name?”
“Well, uh, I’m sure that you know by now that Trace has known all along?”
“Yeah.”
“He had no idea until he showed up at my apartment one weekend wanting to surprise me. When in return I surprised him with my ever growing stomach. Anyway, he stayed for at least two weeks. He helped me out with things that I had to get done before Kaden came. He helped me pick out things for the nursery. He helped me paint it also since I couldn’t be around the fumes. He put the furniture together.” I chuckled to myself, and leaned back against my bed remembering those weeks that Trace was there, “God, looking back on it, if he hadn’t have came when he did I wouldn’t have had anything prepared for when Kaden arrived. I couldn’t have done it all myself.” I said pulling my legs up closer to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs, and continued.
“I think he did everything he could while he was there for you. So even though you didn’t have a clue at least he would have the reassurance that you somehow had a hand with Kaden even if you really didn’t. Anyway, we were hanging around the house one night watching movies and stuff. He knew I didn’t have a name picked out and a few days before we went to the book store and bought every baby name book we could find. We were going through all those and he picked out Christopher. I really liked it, and Chris was the one out of all the guys that I really connected with when I met them all. Then I saw Kaden, and I fell in love with that one. That became his middle name. And the rest is history.” I said smiling.
“That’s cool. So in a way he’s named after Chris?”
“Yep. At least that’s how I’ve always looked at it. I wanted to include you somehow in the name, but without it being so obvious.”
“I’m glad you thought of me.”
“I thought of you everyday. When he took his first steps I cried and thought of you. When he said his first words I cried because I had no one to argue with over whether or not he said Dada or Mama. All his firsts were hard.”
Justin smiled as he grabbed a picture off the floor and looked at it. He looked back up at me and placed the picture back on the floor, “You know you have a birthday coming up.”
I rolled my eyes, “Ugh, don’t remind me.”
“You always loved your birthdays.” He said nudging me with his elbow.
“Yeah, then I hit 30 and I stopped liking them.”
“I’m almost a complete year older than you. We’re not old.”
“We’re not old, yes, but we’re definitely not getting any younger.” I said sliding closer to Justin. He wrapped an arm around me, and kissed the top of my head.
For the first time in…well years…things finally felt right.
I no longer had this impending guilt hanging over my head. And for once I felt as if I could give him my all, holding nothing back.
“What do you want for your birthday?” He asked looking at more pictures as my head rested in his lap.
“My birthday isn’t for another three months.”
“It’s never to early to plan ahead.” He said smiling down at me.
“I don’t know. Surprise me.” I said smiling.
“You really want me to surprise you? You do know what you’re getting yourself into right?”
I rolled my eyes, “I really don’t care what you get me. I’ve got all I want. I don’t need anything else.”
“There’s got to be at least one thing. Jewelry, clothes, money, car, house, the list can go on forever.”
“I’m perfectly capable of getting all those things myself.” I said poking him in the stomach.
“You’re not helping me here.”
“Have you ever given me something that I didn’t like?” I asked
“No.”
“Alright, then I think that shows you that you’re in no need of my help on this matter.”
“I have my ways of finding out what you want.”
I raised myself up and sat in his lap straddling him. I leaned in close to his ear and whispered, “You always have.”
I heard him take in a sharp breath, “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”
“I think I do.” I said as I started to kiss down his neck.
I giggled lightly as he grabbed a hold of me as he flipped me over on my back on the floor.
“Do you have any idea how much you drive me crazy?”
“Probably not as much as you drive me crazy.” I said running my fingers through the curls at the back of his neck.
He groaned as his lips crashed onto mine.
Yep, if you ask me things are taking a turn in the right direction.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you guys so much for the awesome reviews! I love them all! You guys really, really make me feel good with all these nice reviews! Your AWESOME!
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