I tried to hang around and wait for Justin and Kaden to be through but around 8:30 I told Lynn good bye and I walked back home. A message on the answering machine told me that my mom was going to be working a double at the hospital so for the longest time I had the house to myself. I had taken a long bath and changed into my pajamas which consisted of an old orange Tennessee Volunteers sweatshirt that I had found in my closet when I was unpacking and a pair of black yoga pants. I had my glasses on and my shoulder length light brown hair up in a messy bun. I was make-up free and feeling very comfortable laid out on the couch reading a book.
I was beginning to think that moving back to Tennessee was the best move for Kaden and I. Although I had called Georgia home for the past sixteen years nothing beats coming home to momma. I was tired of running from my past. I knew Kaden loved it here in Tennessee and I knew that he loved Gram so we discussed it and he agreed. So here we are.
At 11:00 I lifted my head off the arm rest of the couch and saw Kaden walk in with a huge smile on his face. I smiled and shook my head as I sat up with my book in my lap.
“Did you have a good time?” I asked as Kaden began to step up on the first stair.
“I didn’t know you were in here. I was just about to come find you.” He said as walked into the living room and sat down beside me on the couch. “It was awesome, Mom. The coolest experience of my life he even helped me finish a song that I had writing. He talked to me about the music business and he told me that if I wanted to get into it that he could help me.”
I couldn’t hide the smile that was beginning to show on my face. I had never seen him this excited. Well except for the time that he played his first gig. He was ecstatic about that. “Sounds like you had a lot of fun.”
“I did mom. He told me that I shouldn’t worry about putting together a band. He told me I should try my hand at going it alone.”
“I thought you didn’t want to? I thought you said you wanted to just play guitar.”
“That was before Justin Freakin Timberlake told me that I had a pretty good voice.”
“I told you had a pretty voice, but you said that you didn’t think so.”
“That was because you had to say it because you’re my mom.”
Ok, Touché. But would I lie to my kid? Especially about something that I knew he was really passionate about?
“Thanks.” I said trying to look hurt.
“Anyway, I think I want to try doing it solo when I’m ready. What do you think?”
“I think if you think you’re good enough you should do it.”
I coughed when Kaden practically lunged at me and wrapped me in a hug. I chuckled and wrapped my arms around him.
“What was this for?” I asked him as I rubbed my hands up and down his back. I used to do this to him when he couldn’t sleep. He still asks me to rub his back sometimes. But he would never admit it out loud.
I heard him sigh as he relaxed against me. It was just like holding a six foot one baby. His head was against my chest, and the rest of his body was laid out on top of mine. He weighed a ton but I would never ask him to move. The last time I got to hold him like this was when he was eight years old and he had fell off his bike. When would I get the chance to do it again? So I continued to rub his back, and he answered my question.
“I don’t know. For being an awesome mom, I guess.” He said as I saw him close his eyes.
“You really think so?”
“I wouldn’t trade you even if I got offered to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.”
Wow. I guess that’s a compliment.
I smiled and rolled my eyes as I bent down to kiss his head. “I love you.”
Kaden smiled and sat up and kissed me on the cheek, “I love you too mom.” He said as he stretched and made himself comfortable opposite me on the couch.
I guess I have to wait another eight years to hold him like that again.
I stared at him while he stared off into space, and I wandered how I could have such a perfect son.
Despite all my fuck ups and my mistakes that I know I made raising him he turned out perfect.
He wasn’t resentful of me.
He wasn’t using drugs or getting girls pregnant.
He wasn’t in jail.
He was just too good to be true.
You know how they say that you pay for your raising when you have kids of your own? Well, that hasn’t happened yet. As far as I know he hasn’t skipped class to make out behind the gym during fifth period, and all the crazy things that I did. I do know that he’s had sex. Which to be honest doesn’t really bother me. The only part that would bother me is if I knew when he was doing it. That would be awkward and there are some things that I mother should NOT know about. The only reason I know is that he talked to me about it before anything happened. We had a good discussion and I told him that if he felt that he couldn’t wait to tell me and that we would go right then and get condoms. To which he was honest with me and told me that he didn’t think that he could. We went straight to the store got him some, and we began monthly check-ups at the doctor, and he went out to look for a job. Which he had to quit so we could move here. He’s looking for one now. But he hasn’t had any luck so far. He doesn’t know this but I have some extra money and for a late birthday present we’re going to go car shopping next weekend. It’s taking all I have to not tell him until then, but it’ll be worth the look on his face. I was brought out of my thoughts as I saw him turn his head toward me and begin speak.
“Mom can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.” I said as I made myself more comfortable on the couch.
“You and Justin. What happened between the two of you?”
Damn, I knew this question would eventually fall from his lips. “What do you mean?”
“Well from what I’ve heard you, Lynn, Gram, and even Justin say you guys were best friends. He said you guys were practically attached at the hip. But I never even knew that you knew Justin until last week.”
I smiled an almost empty smile as I pushed my glasses back up on my face. “Where do I begin?” I asked. More to myself than anyone. Because where do you begin when it comes to our relationship?
“Well I know that you guys were friends through Gram and Lynn.”
“Right we were. There was never a day that went by that we never saw each other for at least an hour. We did everything together me, him, and Trace. I’m sure you know who Trace is?”
“Yeah.”
“Well you never saw one of us without the other two being too far behind.”
“So what happened between you guys?”
“Well it all started when we were in the third grade. There was this talent show that they were having for us kids. Well Justin, Trace, and a few other boys decided to join and act like New Kids on the Block. So they did I picked out their song and taught them the dance moves. I was in love with NKOTB back then. I had everything. Well anyway they performed it and all the girls went crazy and wanted their autographs and all that jazz. And that’s when Justin realized what he wanted to do. So ever since then he would enter talent shows, and eventually that brought on MMC.”
“Did you resent him for it or something?”
“No, no, no. You haven’t let me finish. He got to be on MMC which meant that he and Lynn had to move out to Orlando for it, which left me and Trace alone back in Tennessee. We were as close as ever, me and Trace. But we both missed Justin. He and Lynn would come back occasionally but it wasn’t the same for Trace and I because we were both used to having him around a lot.”
“Were you and Trace ever…?”
“God no!” I said laughing. “We were strictly just friends. We had the chance to get closer with Justin gone though. I know and I still know that if I ever needed anything Trace would be right there. And I would do the same. And I’ve always felt the same for Justin too.”
“So what happened?”
“Well when the MMC ended he came back to Tennessee for a while for some R and R. And well time changes things. He changed and I had changed. I didn’t feel the same for him anymore.”
“So you guys stopped being friends?”
“No, I meant that I had feelings for him. I had a huge crush on him for the longest time until I realized that he felt the same for me. When we finally got the nerve to tell each other he had already started with Nsync and we started dating we were fourteen I think. I would see him when he would come home, and during the summer if he was touring I would go and spend the summer with him wherever he was.”
“So I guess you guys broke up huh?”
“Yeah we did. It was the beginning of 1998 and right before Nsync got big. He left in January and he asked me to go with him but I had graduation and college to think about. I had dreams of my own that I wanted and I couldn’t give those up because he wanted me to go with him. As much as I loved him, but I didn’t think that my not going with him would lead to our break up. He told me that he knew what being apart for such a long period of time could do to a relationship. He had seen it with some of the guys and it always ended ugly. We had to much history together and he didn’t want to ruin our friendship with an ugly breakup.”
Kaden gave me a sympathetic face, “Ouch.”
“So needless to say I was heartbroken and a little bitter at first. But soon the anger subsided and I didn’t resent him anymore.”
“And you guys didn’t talk again until we saw him at the grocery store last week?”
“Yep, that was the first time in sixteen years. I can’t say it’s all his fault because you know the phone falls both ways but how was I too know if his number was the same? Sometimes when I think about it I think that our breakup was just for nothing. We ended up ruining our friendship anyway because no matter how hard we try we’ll never be like we were before. Too much has happened.”
I smiled when Kaden reached over and grabbed my hand, “I’m glad you were able to talk to me about this.”
“Well you asked. How could I tell you anything but the truth especially if I expect the same from you?”
“I guess.” He said smiling as he stood up and bent down to give me a kiss goodnight. I smiled and kissed him on the cheek as he began to walk towards the foyer where the staircase was. He stopped and turned around towards me, “For the record, mom. When he was talking to me about you he seemed like he regretted everything that went down between the two of you.”
I smiled, “Thanks.”
He looked confused about something then he asked, “Where’s Gram?”
“She had to work a double tonight. She won’t be home until the morning.”
“Damn, that sucks. Well, I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.”
“I love you too. Good night babe.” I said as I grabbed my book when I heard him ascend up the stairs.
Back to March of 1998
I went into work with my mom that morning and got a pregnancy test. I was sitting on the gurney in one of the exam rooms with my mom sitting beside me with her arm around me. I kept my head down and swung my legs back and forth with nervousness.
“Honey, everything is going to be ok. We’ll get through this. I’ll help you anyway I can. If you want to do this by yourself I’ll help you get on your feet. Anything, I’ll be with you I promise.”
I looked up at her and smiled, “Thanks mom.”
“Not a problem.” She said as she pulled me into a hug.
“Ladies, I have the results.” The doctor said as he pulled the curtain of the exam room open and walked further in and sat on the stupid stool with wheels that all doctor sit in.
“And?” I asked wanting the suspense to end.
“Well it turns out you are indeed pregnant. You’re two months along.”
My head fell again and a tear rolled down my face.
“You’ll need to schedule an appointment with an OBGYN as soon as possible.”
My mom smiled at the doctor, “Thank you. Can you give us a moment please?”
He smiled back, “Sure.”
He walked out and I fell into my mother’s arms crying, “How am I going to do this?”
“You can do it baby. You’re strong. I did it, you can do it. I’ll help you anyway I can.”
“But what about college?”
“Baby, you can still go. I’ll help you get an apartment, I’ll help you with money issues, and once the baby is born we’ll figure something out as far as daycare and things. It’ll all work out I promise.”
At 12:30 I was still on the couch reading my book when I heard a light knock on the door. I marked my place and walked to the door and looked into the peep hole and saw Justin standing there.
He smiled a small smile as I looked at him, “Hey.”
What I would give if he would have done this sixteen years earlier.
Author's Chapter Notes:
You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallowed the light from the sun
Inside your room, yeah
Black Balloon- Goo Goo Dolls
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallowed the light from the sun
Inside your room, yeah
Black Balloon- Goo Goo Dolls
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