July 1998
In July of ’98 I was very pregnant, living alone in Georgia in an apartment my mom helped me get. I was going to college in the following spring, but I wanted to at least try to do this on my own. So I moved early to where I was going to be going to college right after graduation. I got a very good job that hired me even though I was six months pregnant. It was a secretary job at a local law firm. I guess they were just desperate for a secretary. My maternity leave took affect about a week ago, and I trained someone to take over my spot until I was able to come back.
My mom visits pretty regularly, and she helps me with my bills. That was something that I didn’t want her to do.
But she insisted on it. She said she respected that I wanted to do this on my own. But she had been in my shoes once and she knew that it wasn’t easy.
Of course I was the headstrong pregnant teenager that thought she knew everything.
Honestly? She was right. I couldn’t have ever made it if she hadn’t of helped me out. But all of it ceased once I finished college and was able to get on my feet good.
At least she knows that she’ll be taken good care of when she’s old.
I just wanted to be away from the small town and everything that reminded me of Justin. The talk around town was that I was just gaining weight from my depression of not having Justin around anymore.
I wish.
At this point I was still pretty pissed with Justin still. I was still going through all the issues that I had with him, and it was really messing with me.
There were days I wanted to pick up a phone and call him, and there was an even bigger part that wanted to prove that I could do this on my own. I wanted to prove that I didn’t need him as much as I thought I did.
I know it was wrong of me to deprive him of the knowledge that he had a child, but really I was just doing what I thought was best.
So one extremely hot, Southern, Georgia (hey I was seven months pregnant in the middle of summer! Give me a break!) Day I get a knock on my door. I was sort of shocked because I really wasn’t expecting my mother because she was here last weekend. I had friends here but none knew where I lived. So really who could it be?
I waddled to the door, unlocked it, and looked out the door through the chain. And imagine my surprise to find Trace standing there.
I’m not sure if my eyes bugged out of my head, but damn was I shocked.
I inwardly panicked. I mean we were best friends and we told each other everything. I was probably the only person who really knew what he really felt when Justin went away. Maybe it was because I felt the same way and that had always connected us to each other.
I guess I had a surprised expression on my face because he laughed, “Aren’t you going to let me in?”
“No.”
He laughed again, “Why not? Don’t tell me I drove all this way to see my best friend for nothing.”
I bit my lip trying my best not to cry.
Ok I know I told you we told each other everything, but I didn’t tell him about my pregnancy.
Knowing I had no other choice but to let him in, I caved. “Hold on.” I said with as much of a smile on my face as I could muster. I closed the door and unchained it.
I closed my eyes willing myself not to cry, but didn’t even succeed by a long shot.
By the time that I had the door open, tear were running down my face, and I was shaking with sobs, trying my best to but on a smile for Trace.
After all he came all this way to see me.
So I was standing there in all my pregnant glory for Trace to see.
“Hey why are you…wow.” He said rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand.
I couldn’t say anything. Not one word. The only thing that came out me was tears, and sobs.
“Keeley, honey it’s not so bad. I’m guessing that you’re pregnant?” He asked as he grabbed my face in his hands and rubbed the tears away with his thumbs.
I shook my head yes.
“Why are you crying?” He asked as I let him in and closed the door behind us.
I took as much of a deep breath that I could and tried to answer, “I d-didn’t wa-wa-want you to ss-ss-see me like this.” I said wiping tears.
“Why not? You look fine.” He said smiling at me.
I know I didn’t look fine. My hair was up in a messy bun to get it off my neck, but stray hair was falling out all over the place. I was in a pair of gray maternity shorts, and a big t-shirt with the sleeves tucked under the straps of my bra.
Taking a moment to calm down to where I could answer without crying, I sat down on my couch. Trace sat down next to me and rubbed my back supportively.
Finally with the tears finally subsiding, I wiped my face with my hands, and turned to Trace. “I guess I was wrong in thinking that I couldn’t hide this forever.”
“Keel, you’re pregnant no big deal. It’s not like you’re a horrible person. Is this why you left Millington so quick?”
I shook my head yes. That was half the reason anyway.
“How come you never told me? Were you ashamed?”
“It’s all complicated.” I said standing up. That was a hard task. Have you ever tried standing up seven months pregnant? I couldn’t stand up without pushing off of something, like the back of the couch. I walked over to the window and looked out. My apartment over looked a park. Everyday I could see mother’s playing with their children, puppy love victim teenagers walking hand in hand, and old couples sitting on a bench holding hands watching everything around them. I wish my life was that simple.
“Why don’t you tell me?” He said as he came and stood next to me.
I turned to him, “Are you sure you want to know?”
“Yeah, you’re my best friend Keel. You can tell me anything.”
“Trace when I tell you you’re going to wish you never came here, and you’re going to wish that I never told you.”
“Why? Keel, did something bad happen to you? Is that why you’re…?”
My eyes growing wide, I knew what he was thinking. “No, no, no. I, no, nothing like that happened. It’s nothing bad like that. But it’s something that I don’t know if I can burden you with.” I said fixing my glance back outside.
He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him, “Keel, we’re friends. That’s what we do.”
“Trace this is something that…No I can’t ask you do this. I don’t want you involved it was my mistake.”
“Obviously someone else was involved too. It doesn’t mean that you have to bare all of this alone. This is an awfully big responsibility for you to carry.” He said kissing me on the side of my head, “Let me help you. Even if it’s just talking to me about it.”
“I can’t Trace. If you only knew then you would understand.”
“So tell me and make me understand.”
“No. I can’t.”
“Please, Keel? Let me decide for myself.”
What harm could it do for me to tell Trace?
Wait, Justin’s best friend. He was loyal to Justin.
He was loyal to me too. But if this came back to blow up in my face and he found out that Trace knew…I know Justin and he would be livid. Thus resulting in the ending of a friendship on my behalf.
I just couldn’t do that to Trace.
Plus could I trust Trace to keep this to himself?
“I can’t Trace.”
“Why not?”
“Because ok!” I snapped. I rubbed my head with my hand, and looked up at Trace with a sorry look, “I’m sorry. Just forget about it ok?”
“No I can’t. I can tell that you need me. If you would just let me in, I could help you.”
“No you couldn’t.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know ok? You couldn’t.”
He sighed heavily, “Ok so it’s obviously something serious. Something that if I knew I would obviously have to keep to myself right?”
I shook my head yes.
“So, I promise to keep it to myself no matter what it is.”
I looked up into his eyes and I could tell he was honest.
So finally with the courage that I built up I let it out but slowly, “I’m pregnant.”
He rolled his eyes, “Well I can obviously see that. How about a little more. Do you know who the father is?”
I bit my lip to try and keep the tears at bay. But like before I didn’t succeed. I shook my head yes.
“Who?” He asked softly as he rubbed my shoulder with the arm that he had once again wrapped around me.
Finally I spoke softly, “Justin.”
There was a moment of silence before he spoke, “What?” he said surprised.
“Justin’s the father.”
I heard him audibly suck in air then walk over to the couch to sit down.
At this point I only had tears streaming down my face I could talk while still making sense, “Now do you see why I couldn’t tell you?”
“Keel, why haven’t you told him?”
“Why?” I asked as if he were stupid, “Well let’s list them off shall we? Number one, he’s been gone for seven months and hasn’t bothered to call me ONCE. While he can still pick up the phone to call everyone else, he can’t pick up the phone to call me? The person that he claims to love?”
Trace tried to interject but I popped off before he had the chance, “Number two, he’s the one that broke this off not me. I was the one that wanted to give this I try. I was the one that he wanted to sacrifice all her dreams to go and follow him around the world like a puppy wanting his attention.”
Once again he failed to anything in as I began to list the third one, “Number three, what would he really do if I told him? He’s off fulfilling his dreams, Trace. How can I deprive him of that?” I said finally calming down. “And the thing that I’m most afraid of is if I called him and told him he’d come home and take care of us the way that he thinks he should. While all the while I know that I was the cause of him not being the star that he was supposed to be. I know that he’ll grow to resent me for it. And I don’t want that.” I said as I sat down beside him on the couch.
The moment between us was silent. Which was understandable considering it was a lot to take in. But he finally spoke up, “Keels, I understand all your reasons. And they’re all good, but are they really worth depriving him of his child’s life?”
“Trace, I know. I’ve told myself that over and over. My head keeps telling me to pick up the phone, but my heart can’t handle it.” I said wiping tears off my cheeks, “I love him so much it hurts, Trace. I will never, EVER, love someone as much as him. I could try, but he’s it for me. He’s got so much of me, so much of my heart that I could never get back.”
He smiled sympathetically, “I know that. I really do. But if you keep this from him. He could resent you even worse down the road. Hell it could even be worse. I don’t want to see either one of you go through that. Much less this kid. Think about that.”
“I know Trace. I know. I’m going to seriously try, but you don’t know how hard it is.”
“I know I don’t. But I’m here if you need me. And you can trust me. This is something that only you can tell. It’s not my place at all.”
I smiled, “Thank you, Trace.”
“Anytime.”
Finally something occurred to me, how the hell did he know where I lived?
“How’d you know where I lived?”
“I got your address of the letter that you sent me. You know I’m not one for writing, and I didn’t have your number. So I figured seeing you and surprising you would be good. But I guess I was wrong.”
“No Trace. I’m glad you did. It’s hard being here all by myself.”
“I’m sure. If you ever need anything you better call me.”
“I will.” I said smiling.
“But for now I’m yours until Wednesday.”
My eyes bugged out in surprise. Today was Thursday he was going to be here for almost a week. I couldn’t believe that I was going to have my best friend with me for a whole week.
“A whole week? Wow, how’d you manage?”
“Well I had this feeling that you needed me. Plus I don’t have a job so that made it easier.” He said laughing.
“Well I’m glad that you’re staying.” I said smiling.
“I’m at your service.” He said smiling back as he pulled me into a hug.
That whole week was wonderful. He waited on me hand and foot. Took me to my doctor’s appointment that week. He talked me into finding out the sex of the baby. Before I had just wanted it to be a surprise. But he made some good points about me being prepared for a nursery, clothes, and all that stuff. He was there when I found out it was going to be a boy. We went out immediately and bought the big things for the nursery, and he even put it all together and painted for the nursery for me. He even helped me pick out a name. Christopher Kaden.
Now that I look back on it. I don’t know how I would have got that finished without him. In a way I could tell that he was doing it for Justin. Since he couldn’t be there to do it, he filled in for him. To which I was grateful. But like all good things they come to an end, and by Wednesday I was all alone again.
Present
“Hey mom.” Kaden said the next day as he walked by me in the kitchen. He paused to kiss me on the cheek, “How was your date last night?” He asked opening up the fridge.
I smiled, “It was fun.”
“Fun? That’s it? That’s all you’re gonna give me?”
I rolled my eyes and laughed, “Ok I had an amazing time. Is that better?”
“A little.” He said grabbing a soda and closing the door. He popped the top and jumped up and slid onto the counter where I was reading the newspaper. He pulled it away and threw it across the room.
“Hey! I was reading that.” I screeched jumping up from my stool.
“Well you’re talking to your son now.” He said smiling innocently oddly resembling his father. “So what did you do last night?”
I shook my head and sat back down, “We went to a karaoke bar.”
He laughed, “You went to a karaoke bar?”
I rolled my eyes, “Yes I did.”
“Mom, you’ve never been to a bar before.”
Oh if he only knew, “I so have!” I said laughing.
“I’ve never known you to go to a bar.”
“There are some things that a mother does not tell her son.”
“So I guess you stand the same on there are some things that a son doesn’t tell his mother?”
I laughed. Oh was he a slick one, “Uh, nice try.”
“Just thought I’d try.” He said taking a drink of his soda. He shook the hair out of his eyes, “So you went to a bar.”
“Yes, I went to a bar. I actually like doing karaoke. It’s just when I had you my priorities changed.”
He smiled and he pinched my cheek then patted it, “Such a good mother you are.”
“You’re such a dork.” I said rolling my eyes as I stood up.
“So what are we doing this weekend?” He asked as he hopped down from the counter.
I tightened my robe around me and looked at him, “I don’t know what do you want to do?”
“I was hoping it would be ok for me to go spend the weekend at a friend’s house.” He asked hopefully.
“You made some friends? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know. But I did.”
“Are they nice?”
He rolled his eyes, “Yes, mom, otherwise I wouldn’t be friends with them.”
“Well I don’t care if you go. Can I meet the parents first?”
He rolled his eyes, “Mom…”
“Ok, ok, I’m sorry. I know I keep forgetting you’re sixteen.” I said pushing some hair from his face. “Go for it.” I said smiling at him.
“What are you going to do this weekend? If you’re gonna be alone I won’t go.”
He’d rather hang with his mother than a friend?
Most mothers would kill for that, but I’ll be fine.
“Thanks, but I’m sure I can find something to do.”
That’s when that smirk came up on his face. That same smirk that his father had when he was about to do something, “Or someone.” He said before the smirk turned into a full on smile.
My mouth dropped and he jetted off to the foyer and the next thing I head was him running up the stairs calling back, “Love you mom!”
I smiled and shook my head and proceeded to clean up my breakfast mess.
I was just finishing loading up the dishwasher when I head the doorbell ring.
I wasn’t expecting anyone, but I went to answer it anyway. I pulled the robe tighter around me and pushed some hair behind my ears, and opened it.
My face broke into a smile, and I squealed when I saw who was standing there. I jumped into his arms and gave him the killer of all hugs.
“Oh I was hoping I would see you eventually!” I said squeezing him tighter. I had my legs wrapped around his waist, and he was laughing.
“Wow, I wish all girls were this excited to see me. I usually get the sloppy seconds.” He said. “The last time I saw you like this you were VERY pregnant.”
I pulled my face back to look him in the eyes, “I’m so excited to see you.”
“As if I couldn’t already tell? I have what feels like 130 pounds of leg wrapped around me.” He said smiling. “Why didn’t you tell me you were in town?”
I hopped down, “I know I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy. I’m looking for a house, plus just starting this new teaching job, getting adjusted back to small town life in Millington, and trying to keep up with my son…”
Speak of the devil he bounded down the stairs, “Mom who’s at the…”
“Kaden, come here, come here.” I said waving him over with a huge smile.
Kaden smiled back and shoved his hands in his pockets as he came over.
“Kaden this is my best friend, Trace Ayala. Trace this is my son, Kaden.” I said wrapping my arm around Kaden’s waist.
“It’s nice too meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you. I’ve been meeting a lot of old friends lately.” Kaden said laughing.
“You mean he’s…?” Trace said with a look in his eyes that I could read instantly.
“Met Justin? Yep, he met him the first week back into town.” I said giving him another look telling him that Kaden nor Justin still knew nothing about my secret.
He shook his head but played it off, “You mean Justin got to see you guys before me? I see where I rank, Keels.”
I rolled my eyes, “Come in, come in. Do you want some coffee? I just made a fresh pot.” I asked as I adjusted my robe. Kaden shut the door behind us.
“It was nice to meet you Mr. Ayala. Mom, I’m gonna go finish packing my bag. Oh and just so you know she’s totally not Mrs. Starbucks so be warned.” He said as he motioned to upstairs with his thumb and proceeded to go up them two by two.
“That’s some kid you got there. He’s very polite and funny.” Trace said laughing as I led him into the kitchen. I saw him looking around, “This place hasn’t changed a bit.” He said sitting down on a stool.
“Nope, and I hope it never does.” I said as I grabbed a mug out of the cabinet and began to pour coffee into it. “Black or white?” I asked sliding him the cup.
“White. Two cream, two sugar.” He said as I handed him a spoon and two jars.
He scooped out his sugar and cream and began to stir it in. He clinked his spoon and sat it down, “You look really good, Keel.”
I smiled and sat down beside him, “Thanks.”
“So I take it you never took my advice.” He said as he took a sip of his coffee. “But I guess you had your reasons, and it was logical. I never really thought you would anyway.”
“I know I should have, but the more I waited the harder it got.” I said looking down at my hands.
He rubbed my back gently, “You know I never told him, right? That stayed strictly between you and I.”
I smiled, “I know. I know that must have been hard for you. That’s the reason I didn’t want to tell you in the first place.”
“But it was even harder for you. Plus it was one of the only things that I knew about you that Justin didn’t.” He said smiling.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.” He said taking another sip of his coffee.
“Did he ever talk about me?”
“All the time.” He said sitting his cup back down.
“Really?”
“Yep. He never stopped loving you, you know. He stayed away from you for the same reasons you never told him about Kaden. He thought that bringing you into all of his…stuff, whatever you want to call it, would just bring you down. He thought that it would eventually ruin everything that you guys had, and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to bring you into all that. So, he thought it best to just stay away.”
I didn’t say anything.
Couldn’t say anything.
I never thought of that.
“You guys are more a like than you thought, huh?” He asked nudging me.
“I guess so.” I said standing up as I walked over to the fridge. I opened up and looked. For what I don’t know.
“I always hoped that you guys would make it back to each other. You guys were meant to be. I know it.”
I closed the fridge, “I guess we’ll see what happens.”
“You know you’re going to have to tell him eventually right?”
“Yes I know.”
He smiled and got up and walked toward me, “I’m gonna go. Thanks for the coffee.” He said kissing me on the cheek and wrapping me in a hug. “Hey I can wrap my arms around this time.” He said referring to the last time we hugged.
I hit playfully on the back, “I was pregnant you jackass.”
“I’m just kidding.” He said walking backwards toward the entrance to the foyer, “Listen, we need to hang out or something. Call me, ok? Justin’s got my number.”
I smiled, “I will. You want me to walk you out?”
“Naw, I know my way. Love ya!”
“Love you too.” I called as he jogged toward the door.
Some things never change.
I wrapped my robe tighter, and began to walk up the stairs toward my room to get dressed.
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