The last weeks till the last month before the been had gone and went, and than some. Today was marking the three weeks until the day we had actually met and than there was one more day till the day, of the big event. I still hadn’t discussed with Justin my meltdown and while he was busy in the studio most times and came home and slept most days afterwards, I don’t know if he realized how distant I had actually became.
“Nicole,” I heard him call later that afternoon as he came home from the studio and I who was still in my pajamas didn’t move as I watched something random on the TV still in bed. On top of everything else that was going on, I hadn’t felt good in a couple days. Give it to me to get the flu or sick a few weeks before some big event that was suppose to happen.
“Hey you,” he said like he always did but than stopped when I just smiled at him from under the covers as I than went back to watching, whatever movie I was watching. I wasn’t quite sure since I had been going to bathroom to throw up more times than watch it.
“OK, so your in bed still in your PJ’s and the bathroom smells like Lysol,” Justin said as he came over and sat next to me and I tensed up for a moment till he placed a hand on my forehead.
“Your not warm, were you smoking pot,” he asked with a smile but when I didn’t give him an answer back just stared at him, I saw his face soften.
I tired not to tense up, and I tried to keep the tears at bay when Justin pulled me up into his arms as he laid himself against the headboard. I had been going through an internal battle for almost a month about how I would let him down, how I wouldn’t well, I wanted to say wouldn’t break his heart but that was impossible now, because if he loved me like I loved him he’d know mine was already half way broken at the thoughts that went through my head, these past few weeks.
“What’s wrong Nic,” he asked as he rubbed my back and I shrugged as I whipped at my eyes with the tissue I had in my hand.
“Your just not feeling all that great,” he asked and I nodded. I knew if I opened my mouth to even say yeah or anything of the like I would blurt out my whole feelings and lay them on the line. I felt safe as Justin held me as he looked into my eyes with concern and smiled at me and kissed my forehead. I know I should have said something but I didn’t.
“You keeping anything down,” he asked me.
“Only crackers and ginger ale,” I said pointing towards my night stand that was covered in them and tissues, which he thought was probably from me sneezing or something but nope they were covered in my tears. It was normal for me to become a baby when I was sick, from the day I was born I when I got sick I was quiet for the most part but the moment someone took care of me I clung to them like a sweater and let them baby me till I truly felt better. Only this time I felt like no matter how I hard I clinged to him in this moment it would never be enough for the moments after this all ended, I felt like I was an emotional wreck who couldn’t stop throwing up.
“How bout we take a nap than I make you some soup and see if you can keep that down,” He questioned me as he softly touched and fingered my hair as he pulled himself with me against the bed.
I nodded not quite sure what to say but the movement of the bed and the smell of his cologne triggered something I didn’t think they ever would and I pulled away from him in a rush as I jumped off the bed and made it to the bathroom just in time to see the crackers I had in my stomach.
“Make that just the ginger ale,” I said as I took the wet washcloth from him and wiped my face with it.
“Come here,” he said and I didn’t think twice when I went into his arms and sighed against him as I felt safe again. Even though I shouldn’t have.
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I had been sick for almost a week before I finally felt some what better enough to at least go to work, though I left early and made it to my doctor’s appointment that Justin told me even if I felt better today I should have. Besides, he told me it would make him feel better.
Great, I said in my head, with a eye roll as I thought about that and the kiss we had shared this morning. I don’t know when or why, maybe it was the guilt but I could never get lost in his kiss anymore like I use to. I always felt like something was missing something that I had was now gone. Maybe it was my belief in us, my belief in love, but we all know where that got me the first time.
“Mrs. Timberlake,” heard the nurse call and ask me to follow her. I had been here for almost an hour and after telling my doctor what I had been feeling and going through I was taken to do test and than had to wait for thirty minutes before they had finally called me back. This time as I sat on the little table thing I bounced my legs back against the table, not caring how it made a banging sounded ever time with my heels I wore.
Hearing the door opened I stopped as I saw the doctor come in with a smile as she sat down next to me and opened her mouth.
“Well what you thought wasn’t the flu,” she said.
“Stomach bug,” I questioned and saw her shake her head.
“Appendicitis,” I asked and she shook her head again.
“Food Poisoning,” I asked and she laughed and shook her head again before she smiled a placed a hand on my shoulder.
‘Your pregnant Nicole,” she said and I smiled at her but inside some how I was crying, both out of joy and well sorrow. At that moment I didn’t know what to think I didn’t know what to say.
All I know is whatever she said to me I smiled a nodded, and some how did ask questioned because I remembered things she explained that she didn’t at first.
After a trip to the pharmacy I got my pre-natal’s and when I started to head out the door my cell phone went off.
Seeing Justin’s name flash with his picture across the screen I felt tears roll down my cheeks. I took a breath as I answered the phone.
“Hey how the doctor go,” he questioned as I walked to my car.
“Good, just a stomach bug,” I lied and felt my tears fall faster down my cheeks, I had never lied to him and it hurt to think about what I was actually saying or rather the truth I was trying to cover as I placed my free hand over my stomach as I sat in my car. I don’t know how I hadn’t notice it grow slightly over the last month, since it had. But I guess when you don’t have a totally flat stomach things like that kinda get missed.
I was only a month to two months along, I know my doctor had told me and it was in the paperwork that I placed in my purse but hell if I remembered it at this moment.
“So your better now,” he asked me.
“Yea, all better,” I lied once again as we said our goodbyes and I placed my keys in the ignition but didn’t start the car as for the second time in the past month I broke down in sobs, at least know I knew part of the reason why it was so easy to cry.
“At least I’ll always love you,” I said softly as I rubbed my little belly and whipped my eyes as I placed my sunglass back on my face and stared the car and headed home, or at least what I called home for now.
When I got home, Justin wasn’t there quiet yet. Though I knew he was on his way since he had said he would be leaving within the hour and I took me that long to get home, making a side stop to pick up some things at the store.
Placing the things that needed to go in the fridge I was looking through the mail when a manila envelope stopped me. Looking at the corner I saw it came from Justin and my lawyers I opened it and my jaw dropped but than I quickly recovered, you see when this all first happened the plan was to let this work out for a year or so and than by the time our one year anniversary came around than it would be announced that we either had filed for divorced or were divorced. I guess the lawyers had planned ahead cause as I read the paper in front of the documents it stated that if we signed this now, by the time our anniversary hit in two weeks it would be filed, they said they would do it faster than normal considering are circumstance but I had to roll my eyes at how much they liked to kiss ass.
I placed the cover letter down and look pulled out the document that I had always seen on TV but no were else. Flipping to the last page I saw the little tags pointing towards each signature line.
“Was that all it took,” I questioned looking at it, a signature from both parties and being sent back to be filed, was all it would take to make this, make us not real anymore. Looking up at a noise I saw my purse had fallen against the table, picking it up I held my papers from the doctor in my hand that had fallen out, and I read the info over again. Registering that I was only a month and a half along, and that my calculated due date was ironically the actual birthday of Justin’s. Pulling the paper over the divorce documents I sat there with them staring at both for a few seconds than my stomach.
I felt the tears start to fall again as my mind thought of a solution, even if as I got up and grabbed a pen my heart begged me to reconsider, making me think of the baby. I only looked down once before my mind told me it would be better this way, sure we’d still be in each others lives but I wouldn’t risk my heart being broke, or feel the way I did the moment Tanner said he had been with what’s her face for the better half or at least I thought of our relationship, I wouldn’t get hurt I rationalized.
I signed my name and as I pulled the pen away a tear fell on the paper, “Shit,” I said as I tried to wipe it away but only smudged the ink as another feel towards the line he was suppose to sign on.
I jumped back as I realized, what I had done, I stared at the paper work I felt my ring against my finger as I pulled it off and looked the inside and read the words, “We wont end,” I whispered as I threw the ring and grabbed my bag and as the ring bounced and made its sound as it landed were ever it did, I didn’t know. I pulled my bag open and grabbed my keys from their pocket as I jumped in my car and sped away from the house, I had just “ended” us. And as I made my way towards my store first I stopped in my spot realizing something, pulling opening my bag I found the papers weren’t there and I remembered where I had left them next to the divorce papers on the island in the kitchen.
“Shit,” I exclaimed as another batch of tears made their way to my face as I pulled out of my spot forgetting what I had stopped there for and just drove, not having a clue where I was going.
