I'm searching for the words inside my head

I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you away
Be with you every night
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

"You have a phone conference with John Thomas from Atlantic records at 2...a meeting with Michael in editing at 3:30, and business dinner with Mariah Carey and her manager at 6." I rattle off the schedule for the day, then collapse into one of the large leather chairs in Charlie's office.     

It's only been a week and a half, but I am completely and utterly exhausted. Johnny had said this would be ten times easier than working for Justin, but I have yet to see the truth behind that statement. I'm really not sure I can keep up with this schedule.    

Maybe it's just because Justin's been on an extended break, and I've gotten used to being a total lazy ass, but I swear...Charlie works at the speed of light. It's ridiculous.    

In the past week, we've been on six different shoots, and haven't even left Los Angeles.     

According to Charlie, things are fairly slow right now, but will undoubtedly be picking up pretty soon.        

If this is what he considers slow, I'm dreading finding out what his definition of busy is.         

Even though I'm just starting to get my bearings here, I can't deny the fact that I'm really enjoying myself so far.     

Charlie isn't anything like what I'd imagined him to be. He's by far, one of the nicest, most genuine people I've met in California, and it's so easy to work for him. He's so laid back, about everything. He takes things as they come, and it makes for a completely stress free work environment. He doesn't make any insane demands, and he works just as hard as anybody else in the office, if not harder.     

Just yesterday, we were on a shoot for some up and coming band I'd never heard of.  Nothing was going the way it should have. The lighting was all wrong, it was next to impossible to get a decent camera angle, the wardrobe didn't fit, it was just a mess.     

The crew and band were all getting more and more frustrated by the minute, and I was running around like an idiot, trying to calm everyone down. I half expected several people to just walk out, but, Charlie got in there, and turned everything around.    

It took a lot of rearranging, but eventually the angles were perfect. With a few small changes, he'd completely altered the lighting and gave the video a whole new vibe. Then, to top it all off, he had one of the interns go down the street to the small thrift store, and buy a whole new wardrobe for the band.     

It'll be a couple weeks before we see the finished product, but after the few playbacks I saw, I'm positive it's going to turn out perfectly.    

My phone starts to ring loudly, and I quickly dig through my purse to find it. I'm all about lugging my junk around in an over sized, adorable bag...but purses are one of the most impractical accessories ever created. I mean seriously..is there a single woman in the world who can reach into her purse, and find exactly what she's looking for without having to pull out half of it's contents? I don't think so.     

"Ally Lawson." I answer in the most cheery tone I can manage. I really need to learn to look at my caller I.D.  before I answer this damn thing. I never know who's calling, and with my luck...it could be someone I really don't want to talk to.    

"Hey...it's me." I smile stupidly at the sound of his voice, and excuse myself from Charlie's office.     

"Hi."    

"Are you busy or something? You didn't answer in your office."    

"Oh, no. I was across the hall going over the schedule with Charlie. So, what's up?"    

"Nothing...I just left the studio. We finally agreed on the first single, and we're releasing it next month." I can hear the excitement in his voice, and can't help but smile.    

It's taken a lot of fighting, but he's getting to do everything his way, for the first time in his career. I really couldn't be happier for him. He finally has complete control, and it's been a long time coming, if you ask me. He's worked so hard, for so long. It's amazing it see it paying off.     

"But anyway...I was thinking, maybe you could ask that uber cool boss of your's for a four day weekend? We can fly to Memphis on Friday morning...see the families, then do our own thing for a couple days and come back Monday."    

"Justin..." I sigh heavily and rub my forehead.     

The thought of going back home, even for a few days, is incredibly appealing. It's been a little over two months since we last went home, and I actually miss it. I've adapted to life in L.A quite well over the years, but I miss my family like crazy.     

Going home right now...would be fantastic. Especially if Justin plans on renting out a cabin like he did the last time we were there.     

And God knows, I would love nothing more than to spend some time alone with him.     

But, I can't do it.    

I've been working for Charlie, a little over a week, and even though he's a pretty awesome boss, I can't ask for time off so soon.         

"I can't do that...I really want to, but I can't."    

"Come on, Al. You said the guy was cool."    

"He is. But, how would you react if your brand new assistant asked for four days off, after barely working two weeks?"    

"Well...if she was using those four days to let her wonderful, sweet, amazing, charming boyfriend take her away for a romantic weekend...I'd be totally ok with it."    

I giggle and shake my head at his silliness. "I've already got a lot of time off coming up...the album release...the wedding..I can't do this, Justin. I'm sorry." He sighs and I can tell he's getting angry. "I really wish I could."    

"It's fine." He says dejectedly. "I understand. Don't want to, but I do."     

I feel horrible. He's just trying to be sweet, and do something special for me. I just wish he had better timing. Two or three months from now...I'd be jumping at the chance to do this, and wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about asking for the time off.     

Unfortunately, this probably would have been our last chance to do something like this for quite awhile. The album is dropping in September, and with the single coming out next month...his schedule is going to get pretty hectic over the next three months.     

For the next year or so...I'll have to get used to phone calls, and rare days off as the only time I get to spend with my boyfriend.     

It really blows when real life gets in the way of having fun.     

"Alright...well...I'll see you when you get home."    

"Ok...I really am sorry."    

"I know. Bye, Al." He hangs up quickly, and it's all I can do to not cry.     

This really fucking sucks. It's times like these, I really wish I was still his PA, or atleast working for Johnny. If I was still with Justin...taking off, wouldn't even be an issue.     

With Johnny, I'd have to ask for it, but I know he'd have no problem giving it to me. I've known Johnny almost as long as Justin has, so asking him for time off wouldn't feel awkward.     

I just can't bring myself to ask my boss, who I hardly know, and just started working for, to give me four days off, at such short notice.     

I turn to head back into Charlie's office, and jump when I find him standing in the doorway.     

"Sorry...I swear I wasn't trying to give you a heart attack or anything." He grins as I slide past him and throw myself into a chair. "So...umm...I wasn't trying to listen in on your conversation or anything...but it didn't sound too good, and I thought maybe something was wrong?"    

"It's nothing." I shrug and toss my phone back into my bag. "So anyway...the phone conference with Atlantic..."    

"Ally...take the four days off." He interrupts me, and I just stare at him. I'm sure my jaw is about to hit the floor.    

He has to be kidding, right? There's no way he'd just randomly let me have this time off. I mean...it's not like it's some type of family emergency or anything. It'd just be a small vacation, and it's not like I need it yet.     

"What?"    

"Take the four days. Seriously...it's not a problem." He starts to scribble something down on the schedule I'd laid on his desk, and I can't stop staring at him. Is he from another planet or something?    

"No...I appreciate it, but it's not necessary."    

"Ally, I'm not asking." He says sternly and looks up at me, his face set in stone. "I know Justin's getting back to work, and things around here are going to get kinda crazy for awhile. So, take it. Trust me...you'll thank me for it later." He laughs and rolls his eyes.     

"Are you sure?" I ask nervously and start to chew on my bottom lip.     

What if he's testing me? To see how flaky I am, or something? What if, I do take the time off, and he thinks I'll jump at any opportunity I have, to not work? What if he thinks that I'll let my relationship with Justin interfere with my ability to do my job?    

"I really don't need to take off...it's just, Justin being Justin. It's nothing."    

"I'm positive. Take the four days."    

"You really don't have to do this, ya know."        

"I know." He grins. "But, this way...I won't feel as bad when I really have to abuse you."    

I giggle and shake my head. This guy really is too nice for his own good.

***************************************************************
    

It took me a little over an hour to book our flights, and rent the two cabins, but once I had everything done...I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. For the first time, I'm getting to do something for Justin, and it's a really cool feeling.    

I never really understood why, but he's always had this "I'm the man" mentality. He thinks if there are any romantic gestures to be made, he's the one who needs to do it. It's like he doesn't want the woman he's with, to lift a finger.    

I mean, yeah...sometimes it's nice to be taken care of, and treated like a princess, but I'm not one of those damsel in distress type of chicks. I don't need him to dote on me, and he seems to have a really hard time understanding that.     

Honestly, I know it's not really his fault. He's so used to women expecting him to foot the bill for everything, and even though he has the financial ability to do so, I don't think it's right. If your in a relationship, I think both people need to put in an equal amount of time, effort and money.     

He's always said enjoys taking care of his girlfriends, but at some point...he has to get tired of being the provider. So, for once...he isn't going to pay for anything.     

I didn't realize it until Charlie gave me the time off, but I really want to do this. I've been in planning mode since I left his office,  and so far...everything is coming along nicely. I'm pretty proud of myself.    

We have an amazing cabin, right on the lake, with an identical cabin next door for Lauren and Trace. I'm not sure how Justin will feel about them coming along, but I figure with two cabins, everyone will have more than enough privacy.     

I know it's just four days, and probably wouldn't be a big deal to most people,  but Justin and I haven't taken any type of vacation as a couple, so I'm really looking forward to this.     

I grab the phone on my desk and quickly dial Lauren. I called her as soon as I'd booked our flights, and she's been practically jumping up and down ever since.     

"What's up?" She asks in almost a whisper, and I have to strain my ears to hear her properly.    

"Laur...why are you whispering?"    

"Shopping with Justin....I came up with an idea this morning...seriously...I'm a freakin genius...we'll show it to you later. Anyway...what'd you need?"    

"Can you call Lynn and let her know about this weekend? I've got some other stuff I need to do when I leave here."        

"Oh yeah...totally. I gotta go." She hangs up, and I can't help but laugh. I have absolutely no idea what those two are doing, but if they're shopping...it can't be good.    

We're both trying really hard to keep all of this quiet, so naturally, telling Trace is out of the question. Atleast, until the last possible minute. I'm thinking I'll let him in on it Thursday night, that way I have two whole days to tell Justin.     

So far, outside of the big family dinner my mom is planning for everyone, we have absolutely nothing to do while we're in Memphis, and I can't wait.    

We can lay around on the lake, relax and spend some time together.    

It's going to be amazing.

**********************************************************    

I enter the house as quietly as I can and head straight for the stairs. I'd planned on waiting to tell Justin about the trip, but I just can't do it. He was so upset when we got off the phone this morning, and I don't want it to carry on through the evening.     

I lay the plane tickets and the cabin brochures on his pillow, then head back downstairs.     

I can go about this a few different ways. I can bring him upstairs after dinner, and be there when he finds them, or I can let him go upstairs on his own, and find them. I can't quite decide which way would be better.     

"Dude, I don't care what anybody says...that is fuckin awesome." Trace says loudly. I can hear Lauren and Justin agree with him, and I make my way to the den.     

They make me nervous when the three of them are alone together.         

I step inside quietly, Justin looks up right away, and grins.     

To say he looks amazing, would be a gross understatement. I've seen him dressed up countless times, but he's never looked so...comfortable. He's never been a big fan of suits. Anytime he was at a red carpet event, he'd spend the entire night fidgeting and complaining how awkward he felt, but now...just...wow.    

It's a simple black suit. There's nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary about it, but it's not the actual suit that's making him look so incredible. It's the way he's carrying himself in it.     

"Nice suit." I comment, and Trace whirls around to face me.    

"That's not even the cool part!" He says excitedly, and points to Justin's feet.     

I look down, and can't help but giggle. Never in a million years, did I expect this. Dress shoes? Sure. Hell...I wouldn't have been surprised if he was running around barefoot since it's just the four of us here.    

However, seeing pristinely white Nike's, was the furthest thing from my mind.     

"What'd ya think?"    

"Suit and sneakers?" I ask with a smirk. Lauren smiles proudly and nods.    

"It's his new look. I came up with it today. People always rag on him for not dressing nice enough. So, I talked him into this. It's nice, but it's still kind of casual. I told you...I'm a damn genius!"    

"It's definitely...different."    

"You don't like it, do you?" Justin asks slowly, and I look him over again.    

Honestly...on anyone else, I'd probably hate it. But, he seems so happy with it. I guess I'm seeing shades of the world famous Justin Timberlake coming out, and my best friend and boyfriend is fading into the background.     

Maybe it just never occurred to me, or I just wasn't interested in seeing it...but when Justin goes into "celebrity mode", he's completely irresistible.     

It's almost like he's not even the same guy anymore. He's more confident, and damnit...he is practically oozing sex appeal.     

Honestly, Justin Timberlake is nice...but I'm much more fond of my Justin. The guy who will sit around, watching movies with me, talking about absolutely nothing. The guy who will do the most ridiculous things to get me to laugh. The guy who just wants to make me happy.     

That's the Justin, I want around all the time.     

Lauren finally tells him to go change, and he grabs me by the hand, dragging me up the stairs behind him.     

"If you really don't like it...you can tell me, ya know."    

"No I do...it's just...weird. You hate getting dressed up." I laugh when he scrunches up his nose.    

"True...but this just looks too fuckin cool. Lauren's thinking she could get Gucci or somebody to do the wardrobe for the tour."    

We finally reach his bedroom, and he closes the door behind us, before pushing me up against it.     

His lips crash against mine, and I can't stop the low moan I let out.     

Let it be known, that Justin Timberlake is an amazing kisser. Or maybe, it's just that he knows exactly how to kiss me. Either way, kissing him is probably one of the best feelings in the world.    

He pulls back, and rests his forehead against mine. "I've wanted to do that, all day." He grins.    

Honestly, I'm a little surprised at how he's acting. I figured he'd spend the night pouting, and acting like a petulant child, but he's doing a damn good job of proving me wrong.     

"So, how was work?"    

"Alright I suppose." I shrug as he releases me, and starts to undress. "We were at the office all day, so it wasn't too thrilling."    

He nods and places the suit jacket on a hanger. "So, I guess this is going to work out ok, then?"    

"Yeah, I think so. I really like it so far...it's a little fast paced, but I'll get used to it."     

"Good." He moves around the room slowly, taking his time in getting into his pajamas. "If Walters starts giving you any shit, or you change your mind...say the word. I'll have you out of there so fast, his head will fucking spin."    

I roll my eyes at his protectiveness and chuckle. "I'll be fine. Charlie's great."             

Seriously...how has he not looked over at his bed yet? I'm practically biting my tongue to keep from saying something. This is driving me nuts.     

"Yeah, well...my offer still stands." He smirks before pulling his T-shirt over his head. "So anyway...." He stops mid-sentence when his eyes finally land on the bed.     

He glances between me and the papers on his pillow several times, then moves to pick them up. He flips the plane tickets over in his hands a few times, before a huge smile breaks out over his handsome features.    

"Holy shit Al...is this for real?"    

"Yeah." I smile so big, I feel like my face might crack. "Charlie overhead me on the phone, and told me to take the time off."    

"You were right...that guy is the shit." He lays the tickets and brochure down on the nightstand, then tackles me onto the bed and I land flat on my back.    

He settles himself on top of me and tucks my hair behind my ears. "Do you have any idea how awesome this is?"    

I giggle and roll my eyes. "I have a pretty good idea."    

He kisses me slowly, taking the time to really explore my mouth, and when he pulls away, I'm completely breathless.     

I know he cares about me...but I pray to God that he's feeling even half of what I'm feeling. I can't be in this thing all on my own.     

I don't know when, why, or how it happened...but I love him. I've tried so many times to tell him. Maybe not in those exact words, but I swear I've tried.     

The right words just won't come out, and I can't figure out why.     

He needs to know. Because, if he isn't as deep in this as I am, something needs to change. I refuse to be the girl who thinks she has the perfect relationship, when her boyfriend is contemplating ways to dump her.     

That just ain't happening.    

I've really been trying to be everything he needs. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't pretend to be...but I want to be as close to perfect as he needs. I want to be the last thing on his mind when he goes to sleep, and the first on his mind when he wakes up. Especially when he's a thousand miles away, and I'm stuck here, alone.     

He smiles at me again, and I make up my mind, right then and there.     

Memphis.    

I'm going to tell him in Memphis.     

I just hope I have the strength to go through with it.     

"Things I'll Never Say"-Avril Lavigne