Looking at you, holding my breath,
For once in my life, I'm scared to death
I'm taking a chance, letting you inside
Feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky, under my skin
Like being in love
For the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm feeling right 

Where I belong, with you tonight
Like being in love
For the first time

The closer we get to Shelby Forest, the harder it is for me to sit still. I can't really explain it, but coming back here always gives me this charge. I can step away from all the insanity that surrounds me in California, and just be myself.    

Around here, I'm not some Grammy winning, sex symbol. I'm just Lynn's boy, and it's definitely a good change of pace.     

I guess knowing that this will be my last trip home for awhile is making me appreciate it even more. Then throw in the fact that Ally put this whole thing together...this is going to be a damn good trip.     

The flight here was pretty uneventful. Ally and Lauren spent the entire time glued to their laptops, while Trace and I watched ESPN.  Lauren is still hammering out wedding plans, and there's really no telling what the hell Ally was doing.    

I tried to convince her to leave all her technical shit at home. I wanted this weekend to be about us, with no distractions, but, she was afraid Charlie would need to get a hold of her. So of course, the laptop, the phone, and the palm pilot all had to come with her.    

I still haven't quite decided how I feel about her working for this guy. I have yet to meet him, but Ally talks about him, like he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. I'm glad she likes what she's doing and obviously, Charlie can't be all bad if he gave her this weekend off.    

It just makes me a little uneasy that she talks about him so much. For the last two weeks, I don't think we've had a single conversation that didn't involve him in some way, or where his name didn't come up.     

I get that it's new, and she's excited, but she barely said two words about her time working for Johnny. Why is this so different? 

I don't know...I could just be over reacting. Maybe talking about it, is just her way of keeping me in the loop.     

But, in the back of my mind, there's a little voice that keeps reminding me that she thought the guy was hot, when she first met him. I'm not jealous...just...concerned.     

It's probably nothing, and I'm just being a freak.     

I'm going to put anything and everything involving California, on the back burner for this weekend. I'm going to focus on being here with my girl, my friends and my family. I'm going to relax...get some fresh air...maybe do some fishing. It's gonna be good, and I definitely need the down time before things start to get crazy.    

The album's out in three months, and I'm sure it's going to fly by. But, I'm not going to worry about it right now. For this weekend...I'm just a guy on vacation.

*************************************************************************    

We pull up in front of Ally's parents house, and I nearly bolt out of the escalade. I make my way up the sidewalk, and smile as I stare up the house. I've always loved this place.    

Ally doesn't like to flaunt it, but her family is pretty well off. Her father owns one of the most reputable construction companies in Memphis. All three of her bothers went into the family business as soon as they were old enough, and I'm sure if my career hadn't taken off when it did, Trace and I would have been right behind them.     

Dave had this house built a couple years before Ally was born, and they've lived here ever since. It's not like it's a mansion or anything, but it's big enough to show off the Lawson's financial status.     

It's pretty simple, I guess. Fairly large yard, with a small garden surrounding the porch, which happens to be the coolest thing about the place.     

It's one of those enormous wrap around porches, and connects to a huge deck, off the back of the house. We spent God knows how many nights out on that deck, just waiting for something to come out of the woods behind the house.     

Luke, the oldest of Ally's bothers, had convinced us that those woods were full of mass murderers and deformed animals that hunted only small children.     

Naturally, Luke was full of shit.     

I love all of Ally's family like they were my own, but Luke is probably my least favorite Lawson.     

He's eight years older than us, so when we were kids, it was his mission to torment the shit out of us. When he reached high school, he was the big football star, and the entire town worshipped the ground he walked on.    

He got pretty bigheaded about the whole thing, and just became an even bigger prick. He still is, as far as I'm concerned.     

But who knows...maybe his divorce will have calmed his ass down a little.    

Jack, is the second oldest, and he's one of the coolest guys on the planet. He's actually a lot like Trace, personality wise. He was the guy who knew about all of the parties. He's in his early thirties now, married with two small kids...but he's still cool as shit.     

Then, there's Andrew. He's just two years older than Ally, but you'd swear he's still 16. He still lives at home, and spends the majority of his time playing video games. I guess you could say he's kind of a nerd. He's a good guy, though.     

"Boy...are you just going to stand there all day, or are you gonna get in this house and eat something?" I grin as Ann calls to me from the doorway, and I take the steps two at a time.  "You look good Justin...a little on the skinny side...but good."        

She smiles, then wraps me up in a tight hug, and suddenly...I can't wait to see my own family.     

"Come on in...lunch should be ready soon."     

I step into the house behind her, and immediately, the smell of fried chicken hits my nose. Words cannot describe how much I love being home.     

Ally, Trace and Lauren soon trail in behind me, and it doesn't take long before we've spread ourselves out around the living room. Lauren and Trace laid claim to the sofa, leaving Ally and I to share the recliner.     

It's pretty big, but we don't have anywhere near enough room to sit side by side. You wouldn't think it...but I'm actually pretty comfortable, even though Ally is half in my lap, and half on the chair. Her legs are tangled with mine, and I know she has to feel kind of awkward sitting like this, but she shows no sign of moving.     

It still kind of blows my mind, that we've eased into our relationship so quickly. It's just like this was meant to happen. It's actually kind of amazing that we work so well together, when we're complete opposites.     

But, maybe that's the key to the whole thing. Ally is all of the things, I know I'll never be.     

She's strong, she's independent. She doesn't take anybody's shit, and she'll tell you exactly what she thinks, even if you don't want to hear it. Ally has a freedom, that I don't, and probably never will.    

She's completely free to be who she wants to be, at all times. Nobody's going to judge her for it, and even if they do...she'll tell them to fuck off, and not think twice about it.    

I, on the other hand...have to constantly be on guard. I have to say and do what everyone around me wants, and I don't have a choice in it.     

But, when it's just me and Ally....that's the one time, I can really let my guard down, and not give a shit what anyone else thinks.     

I guess it's kind of like that saying, "Those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind."    

I know that Ally doesn't care if I say something stupid. She doesn't care, if I take my bad mood out on her. She doesn't care if I wear the wrong thing. All of the bullshit I have to worry about on a daily basis, doesn't phase her.     

She knows who I am, and I'm guessing she likes it. I mean, I know it's stupid to sit here and say "Oh, she likes me, for me." That's probably one of the most over used and cliched things to say...but it's true. She could care less about all of the outside shit, and that's awesome. Most people can't blow that stuff off so easily.     

But, then again...my girlfriend definitely isn't most people.  

********************************************************************    

It's official. I'm scrapping the album...the promotion...the tour...all of it. I'm going to walk away from everything, move back here, and live a life of anonymity.     

Ok...not really. But, sitting around this table with mine, Ally, Lauren and Trace's families surrounding me, makes moving back home seem like the best idea I've ever had. Everything's just so chill. I don't think I've felt this relaxed in several years.    

But, I know it wouldn't work, and honestly...I'd probably lose my mind after a week or two. But, I can dream, right?    

"So..Justin..." My Mother stares at me from across the table, a smile on her face. "When do you and Ally plan on making me a grandmother?"    

Ally starts to choke on her drink, and all I can do is sit there. Why is it, when you're enjoying yourself and don't have a care in the world, someone has to come, completely out of left field, with something that had never even crossed your mind?    

"Ma..." I groan, but it comes out as more of a whine.     

"Oh, I'm just teasing." She laughs and shakes her head. "They'd be pretty babies though." She smirks.    

Before I know it, my Mom and Ann are in a major discussion about mine and Ally's unborn children. Of course, Trace and Lauren's Mothers jump right on in there, and suddenly...the table is consumed by talk of babies, cribs and bed time stories.     

And I thought having all four families together, was a good thing. Shows what I know.     

The rest of dinner is spent in mostly awkward silence. I can't even begin to explain how happy I was when we finally left and came back to the cabin.     

I've never felt awkward or uncomfortable around my family...but I did tonight, and it wasn't a pleasant feeling.    

Ally steps out of the bathroom, running a brush through her wet hair, then slides into bed next to me. I don't know about her, but I'm still a little tripped out over my Mom and the whole baby thing.     

I mean...I like kids and everything, but I've never been anywhere near close to thinking about having them. Hell...I'm not even a hundred percent sure I want kids at all.     

Yeah...it'd probably be pretty cool to do the Dad thing, but I think that's pretty far off for me. I just can't figure out what the hell my Mother was thinking when she brought that up, even if it was meant as a joke.    

Sure, I've known Ally all my life, but we've only been a couple for a little over three months.    

 Lynn Harless needs to be institutionalized, and that's all there is to it.     

"So...I was just thinking..."Ally says suddenly, then turns to face me.     

"Hurt yourself?" I ask in mock sympathy, then kiss her forehead. "All better now?"    

"Funny." She rolls her eyes. "Anyway...that stuff your Mom said at dinner..."    

This time, it's my turn to roll my eyes. "Yeah?"    

"Well...maybe we need to talk about it."    

"Al...it's nothing. Honestly. You know as well as I do, how nuts she is. With the wedding...us getting together...she's got all that kinda shit on the brain."    

"I know....but would us having a baby really be so terrible?"    

Please, dear God...do not let this conversation be heading where I think it is. I adore Ally, but, kids? Now? No fuckin way.     

"Course not." I smile down at her. "Some day...it might be pretty cool, but now? No way."    

"Well, duh." She rolls her eyes and giggles.     

Oh, sweet Lord...thank you. Thank you for blessing me with a girlfriend who isn't going to stress over all that biological clock nonsense. Thank you for making her the least, clingy, controlling chick on the planet. Because, if she said she wanted a baby now...I might have a heart attack.     

"We can practice trying to have one, whenever you want though."    

She arches an eyebrow at me, and the smile falls from her face. I have a very funny feeling I'm about to get yelled at, or slapped. I'm not really in the mood for either, but if I have to choose, I'm kind of hoping for the latter...atleast it'll be quick.    

"Is there ever a time where your dick doesn't do the thinking for you?"    

"Yeah...it just doesn't happen very often." I grin, and she slaps my arm.     

This is another perfect example of just how cool she is. A lot of girls might have pushed the baby thing...but not Ally. I swear, it's like we share the same brain sometimes.     

We know when to leave each other alone, or when we really need to sit down and talk something out. We don't push each other into things we don't want.     

I'm actually pretty proud of how well we communicate and understand each other.     

I can joke around with Ally, the same way I would Trace, and she can come right back at me. I've never had that before. I've never been with someone who thinks and feels the same way about certain things, as I do.    

And, it's making me see what an idiot I've been.  I was looking for all the wrong things, when it came to relationships.     

Lucky for me though...this thing with Ally just kind of fell into my lap.    

She cuddles up to me, and my arm instinctively slides around her waist. I never really noticed it before, but she fits there.    

As lame as it sounds, it's almost like I was put on this earth to be with her.  Maybe I'm wrong, but everything with her, just feels right.    

Kissing her, feels right. Holding her hand, feels right. Making love to her, feels right.     

I need to go watch football or some shit....I sound more and more like a woman, every day.         

I can feel her getting heavy on my side,her eyelids start to droop, and she's out like a light. It's been a fairly long day, between catching our 7 A.M flight, landing here, renting the cars, getting to the cabins, unpacking, then going over to her parents house.    

I'm a little surprised I haven't crashed myself, but I'm sure it won't be long before I completely pass out.    

She mumbles out what sounds like "Good night", and I can't help but smile. A lot of people might be annoyed by it, but I actually think it's pretty funny when she talks in her sleep.    

She says the most random shit, and it never makes any sense. It's hilarious.     

She moves around a little, before finally settling beside me, one arm thrown over my stomach.     

"Love you." She mumbles, and my breath catches in my throat.     

Did she?....No. I'm just hearing shit. I'm not used to the usual sounds of this house...or maybe it was the TV.     

There's no way Ally said those words.     

Or, maybe she really did...and I'm just freaking out.    

It's stupid really...she's said she loved me thousands of times over the years, and vice versa. But, it was never meant in a romantic way.     

Maybe this wasn't either, but I swear to God...that sounded completely different from any other time she's said those words to me.     

Why is this scaring the hell out of me? I love her, she loves me. I should be jumping up and down right now. I can feel my chest getting tight, and it's getting really hard to breathe.     

Should I wake her up? Do we need to talk about this? What the fuck am I supposed to do?    

We were supposed to take this slow, maybe that's the problem.     

She was the one who had her doubts. She was the one who was afraid of getting too serious, too quick.    

Even though she's asleep, and probably doesn't even realize what she's done... she's just pushed our relationship into serious territory. She just catapulted over the line she'd drawn...and I don't know what to do, but I do know...as terrifying as hearing that was...I can't wait to hear it again, and have her be able to hear me say it back.     

"I love you too, Al." I say quietly and kiss the top of her head. "I really, really do."    

Her head jerks up quickly, and those amazing green eyes lock with mine. She was awake that whole fucking time?     

What the hell, man?    

"Good...it was taking too long for you to say something, and you were starting to worry me." She grins, kisses me quickly and places her head back on the pillow.     

She's slick man. That was an Oscar worthy performance, because I was 110 percent convinced she was fast asleep.     

I've said it millions of times before, and I'm sure I'll be saying it for the rest of my life...but this girl really is something else.

"First Time"-Lifehouse