Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these eyes

        

"Aunt Al! Spin!" I pick my nephew up and cradle him in my arms, then I spin the two of us in circles as quickly as I can.     

For the last few days, this four year old boy has been the only thing keeping me sane. When Jack called and asked me to come stay with Jack Jr. for a week, I practically jumped at the opportunity.     

Charlie forced me into taking a leave of absence, and at first...I wasn't too happy about it. I was doing my best to not let my break up affect my ability to do my job, but I just couldn't focus. I couldn't keep Justin off of my mind, and no matter how hard I tried...it just wouldn't go away.    

So, I did as Charlie asked, and quickly became even more pathetic than I already was. Half the time, I couldn't even bring myself to get out of bed, much less eat or shower. I just kept feeling sorry for myself, and I was starting to think I'd never pull myself out of it. But, when Jack called...I saw that as my chance.    

So, I cleaned myself up, checked out of the hotel, and caught the first flight out of L.A.         

I probably should have called Lauren or Trace, but I just didn't want to. It's been kind of nice to be able to just disappear.     

Unfortunately, when Jack and Andrea come back from vacation, I'll have to go back home. Charlie said I was more than welcome to stay with him, so until I can find a place of my own, I think I'm going to take him up on that offer.     

I feel really awful for abandoning Lauren and Trace. It's not their fault Justin has completely lost his damn mind.     

With the wedding a few weeks away, Lauren really needs me, and I'm major screwing her over. Hell... for all I know, she may have found a new maid of honor by now. I should probably atleast call her and apologize. Hopefully, she'll forgive me.    

I never planned on coming back to Memphis, but I'm so glad I did. Watching J.J. has been a great distraction, and even though the kid is completely insane...I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.     

I still can't believe it's been almost a month since Justin ended things. I never imagined I would ever go three and a half weeks without seeing or speaking to him.     

But then again, I never saw us as a couple either, so it goes to show what I know.    

"J.J ..it's getting dark." I call to him from my spot on the deck. He runs toward me, giggling the whole way.    

"Somebody's here!" He whispers mischievously.     

I roll my eyes and giggle at him. "Nobody's here Jack... Come on, it's bath time."

"I saw them aunt Al!"    

"Alright...I'll go see them while you get ready for your bath, ok?" He nods, satisfied with my answer, and I follow him into the house.     

I can only assume he said he saw someone here, to avoid his bath, which he's famous for. I don't think I'll ever understand little boys and their desire to stay dirty.    

As silly as he is, J.J is a pretty good kid. He listens about 90 percent of the time, and is incredible at cleaning up after himself. My big brother did an excellent job with this kid.   Not to mention the fact, he's about as adorable as it gets, so telling him no, is virtually impossible.    

I make my way up the steps and quickly fill the tub, leaving enough water for him to play around in, but keep it low enough to keep him from hurting himself. I set up the baby monitor once he's in, and head into the guest room.         

My phone starts to ring as soon as I walk in, and I grab it, making sure to check the caller I.D.     

I'm not too surprised to see Trace's name on the screen.         

"Hello."    

"Hey...wanna come let me in?" He chuckles. "I've been out on this porch for like, 20 minutes."    

"You're here?" Looks like Jack wasn't kidding when he said he saw someone.     

"Yeah, duh."    

"I'm upstairs. The back door's open."    

"Be up in a few."    

He hangs up, and all I can do is stand here, with my mouth hanging open.  I wasn't exactly trying to hide or anything, but how the hell did he figure out where I was? Better yet, why is he here?    

He should be at home, gearing up for all the wedding craziness.     

Unless, of course, this is yet another attempt at getting me to talk to Justin.     

I get why he's doing it, but I just wish he'd drop it, and let things take their natural course. Not once, has Justin tried to contact me, so obviously, he doesn't want to talk.    

Why should I?    

Why should I put myself out there, and risk being hurt, when he's not willing to do the same? I'm not the one who chose to end our relationship, why should I be the one to try and fix it?    

For the first time in my life, I'm not going to be the one cleaning up Justin's mess.     

I finally hear Trace enter the room, and turn to face him. The baby monitor and my cell phone hit the floor with a loud thud, and I can't form a single coherent thought.    

That little bastard.     

I know he was desperately trying to mend things between Justin and I, but never in a million years, did I expect him to flat out lie to me.     

Part of me is madder than hell, but the mushy, girly side can't help but chuckle as he awkwardly shifts his weight from one foot to another.    

"Hey, Al." He gives me a strained smile, and shoves his hands in his pockets.     

Unfortunately, the mushy, girly part of me, is taking a step back, and my anger is slowly starting to take over.     

"What are you doing here?"    

"I...uhh...well...I...I think a better question is, what are you doing here?" He finally stutters out and I give him a blank look.    

"I'm watching J.J." Like that wasn't already obvious.     

He nods slowly, and there's no way to ignore the awkwardness, or the tension that's suddenly filled this room.     

All I can think, is that Trace and I need to have a serious talk about the definition of confidentiality. The things I've told him the last few weeks, were meant to stay between the two of us, and obviously...they didn't.     

I guarantee Justin is here, because Trace pushed him into it.     

"So, umm...can we talk?"    

"What do you want to talk about, Justin? The fact that you dumped me for no apparent reason, Or, how about we discuss what the fuck possessed you to propose to me? Oh! I know...let's talk about how you think I'm screwing my boss."    

"Look...you have every right to be mad..." He sighs and takes a step toward me.     

"You're God damn right I do."     

"Ally...come on...don't be like that..."    

"Don't be like what? Don't be hurt? Don't be angry? What do you want from me, Justin? Did you think you'd hunt me down, and because you finally decided you wanted to talk, that I'd be ok with that? It's still all about you, isn't it?"    

He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.     

I didn't notice it at first, but he looks...tired. The circles around his eyes are darker than I've ever seen. His eyes are usually this amazing, bright blue, full of life...and just...incredible, but now...they just seem dull.     

Normally, he looks so put together, but now...I can't even really explain it. He just seems...lost.     

As bitchy as it sounds...I'm glad he looks like shit. I'm glad he's hurting and miserable.     

"Look...I know I fucked up, alright? I've had to hear about it day in and day out from everybody around me."    

"Oh, and I should feel bad for you, is that it?"    

If he came here looking for sympathy, he can turn around and walk right out that door, as far as I'm concerned. The more I've thought about everything, the more I've realized that he's in the wrong. Not me.     

I wasn't the one who couldn't handle new people entering our lives. I wasn't the one freaking out about his upcoming tour.     

Sure, I had trouble dealing with him being gone so much, but not once, did I take it out on him.    

What all of this boils down to, is his self centeredness.     

It's like, he wanted me completely to himself. I wouldn't say he wanted to control me...but I think he wanted to control certain aspects of my life. He wanted me at his beck and call, 24 hours a day, but I can't be that girl.     

I can't let a relationship run my life. Maybe I'm too independent for my own good, but I just can't bring myself to be a nothing, for a man.     

I want to be able to do things for myself. I want to know that I can be on my own, if need be. I don't want to depend on someone else to make me happy, and I shouldn't have to.    

"Ally...I came here to try to straighten this out...I don't want to fight with you."     

He looks so defeated, and I can't help but feel bad. I guess, I should be glad he's here. Atleast he's trying, but I'm not going to make it easy for him. He has to know that he can't go through life like this. The rest of the world may bend over backwards for him, but I'm done. I let what I wanted, and how I felt, take a back seat to him and all of his bullshit.    

"I need to get J.J. out of the tub. Go downstairs, I'll be down in a few." I walk past him, without a glance, and head into the bathroom.     

I get J.J. out of the tub, and into bed as quickly as possible. I expected a lot of protesting, but he did as I asked, without fussing, and I couldn't be more grateful. The last thing I need to deal with right now, is a screaming four year old.     

I need to calm down, and just talk to him. Maybe, he's had time to think over the last few weeks, and genuinely wants to make it right.    

I'd be a damn liar if I said I didn't want him back, but I'm just not sure the timing is right. The next month is going to be pure chaos, with Thanksgiving, the wedding, Christmas, New Years, the tour....and I'm not sure we'll be able to hash all of this nonsense out, before he's gone again.    

I don't want him to leave, while we're on bad terms. If anything...I'd like for us to atleast be civil for Lauren and Trace's sake. I refuse to let mine and Justin's issues ruin their wedding.    

Lauren has spent months planning this thing, and if it's not absolutely perfect, I'd never forgive myself. I won't be responsible for her not enjoying what's supposed to be the best day of her life.     

I finally make my way down the steps, and Justin's seated on the couch, his head in his hands.     

I do love him, there's no denying that. I just...I don't understand him anymore.     

For the life of me, I can't figure out why he's been acting the way he has. He should know me well enough by now, to know that Charlie wasn't even an afterthought. He should know that he was quickly becoming my priority. He should know that all I needed, was for him to love me. He should have known we were nowhere near ready for marriage, or babies, or any of the things people were trying to force on us.     

He should have known...but he doesn't, and I don't know how to make him understand.     

I plop down into a chair, across the room, and he looks up at me, never meeting my eyes. I can tell, just by the look on his face, that he doesn't have the slightest idea why he came here, or what he's going to say.    

Honestly...the worst part about all of this, is that it's destroyed our friendship, and I never wanted that. I wanted to keep my best friend, even if I couldn't keep my boyfriend. And maybe, that's my fault.     

I set all these boundaries for us, as a couple. We were supposed to take it slow. We were supposed to always be friends, first.  I thought I had it all figured out. That if I made the rules, he'd follow and everything would go according to the plan I'd come up with.    

But, I was the one who screwed that up. I fell for him, harder and faster than I could have ever imagined, and I ignored my own plans.     

He may have demolished our relationship, but I'm the one who let our friendship fall apart.     

He lets out a heavy sigh, and his eyes finally meet mine. As stupid as it sounds, I almost forgot how it feels to have him look me in the eyes. When we were together, even if we were fighting, all he had to do was look at me...and I forgot everything. It was like we'd never been arguing. My breath would catch in my throat, and the only thing I could think about, was how he made me feel.    

But now...it's different. I don't feel that sudden rush of adrenaline. I don't feel like I'm the most important thing in the world.     

"Look...I'm sorry I just showed up like this. I guess, I should have called or something. I was just so fuckin scared, Al. I just...I keep thinking about all this shit and..."
    

"I don't care about that...I wasn't hiding."    

"Just hear me out, ok?" He takes a deep breath and I nod slowly.  He fidgets around in his seat for a few minutes, then finally sits still and glues his eyes to the floor.    

"I know I made a lot of mistakes. I never said I didn't. But, I don't think it's all just me. You knew how much that Charlie shit bugged me, and as many times as we talked about it...it never stopped. He just kept coming up more and more, and I couldn't take it. I know, I should have trusted you...but you know how hard that is for me. I'm not blaming you. But, you should have understood."    

"I should have understood?" I laugh bitterly and roll my eyes. "Justin...I did nothing but understand! I kept my mouth shut so many times. I thought, if you bitched about it enough, you'd get it out of your system, and get over it. Like it or not...Charlie's my friend, as well as my boss. He's not going anywhere, and you need to accept that. I let you say horrible things about him, because I thought it'd make you feel better. Don't you dare tell me I didn't understand."    

"Ally...I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry I can't ignore that shit...I'm sorry I can't be the guy you want me to be.."    

I know what he's doing, and it's not going to happen. He wants me to take some of the blame, so that it's not all on his shoulders, but I can't do that. I'm not guilty here, and he needs to see that. He isn't going to make me feel like the bad guy.    

"Justin...I know I might have hurt you by refusing your proposal, but other than that...I don't know what you think I did. I didn't expect you to be anything.  I mean...I'm sorry I couldn't say yes...but you had to see that coming."    

He chuckles softly and shakes his head. "No...I actually thought you'd say yes. I thought it would push Charlie away...I thought it would keep you focused on me. I really believed it'd work, and now, I know it was a mistake. I think...I was just so jealous of Lauren and Trace. They've got this whole plan for their lives and they're so happy...and I just...I wanted that, too."    

"Justin...we were fine. Maybe, there were a few issues...but I thought we were perfectly ok...you just...the way you acted about Charlie...and proposing...that's what messed us up."    

"Ya know...we can talk about this all we want, but it's not solving anything."    

"You're right. It's not." I nod in agreement.    

I'm actually really proud of him for coming to that conclusion. Normally, I'm the one rationalizing everything, so it's kind of nice to let someone else do the thinking for a change.    

"We need to make a decision, Al. If we want to be together...then we need to figure out how to work through all of this shit. But, if there's no way back from this, or we just flat out don't want to be together, then we need to go back to being friends."    

"I can't decide something like that on a time limit, Justin." I sigh and shake my head.    

"What do you want, Al? Tell me what you want, and I'll do it. I just...I want you to come back home."    

"Let's just...let's get through the end of the year. Once all of the wedding stuff has died down, we can get through the holidays, and the first few weeks of the tour...we'll see what happens. It'll give us both some time to think, and figure out what we want."    

"I can live with that." He nods slowly, then gives me a small smile. "Friends?" He stands up, and stretches his hand out toward me.    

I shake his hand, and smile. "Friends."    

Once again, I've set the boundaries for us, but hopefully, this time around, I can stick to them.

***********************************************************    

I roll over, for what feels like the millionth time, and glance at the clock. It's quickly approaching three a.m. and I can't sleep. I've tossed and turned all damn night.    

I tried to completely clear my mind...I tried drinking warm milk...hell, I even tried counting sheep, but nothing seems to be working.     

I just...I can't sleep knowing that he's so close, and not laying next to me.     

I know...I decided that we'd wait and see what happens...but damnit...I miss him.     

I miss the way he'd curl up to my side. I miss waking up and seeing his face everyday. I miss the way he'd tell me he loved me before he fell asleep.    

I miss all of those little, stupid couple things. I know, it's my fault...I decided we needed to try being friends for awhile.     

The last time I went downstairs, he was passed out on the couch, and I seriously considered waking him up, just so that I wouldn't be the only one not getting any damn sleep.     

Letting him stay here, probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but I wasn't going to make him drive all the way across town, to a hotel.     

Now that I've had time to think about it...I'm kind of glad he showed up, and we somewhat talked this out.    

Atleast now, we can be friends, even if it sucks.     

I know it won't be anything like it was before we got together, but atleast he's not completely walking out of my life. I can't live without him...whether we're together, or just friends. I need him. It's as simple as that.     

The door to the guest room opens slowly, and I can just barely make Justin out, in the darkness. He quietly walks over to the bed, and looks down at me.    

"You awake?"    

"Yeah, why?"    

"I don't mean anything by this...but can I stay in here?"    

"Justin...what the hell?"    

"That couch sucks, Al."    

"So? Go stay in Jack's room."    

"No way...that's fucking weird, Ally."    

Hate to say it, but he's right. I could never bring myself to sleep in the bed my nephew was conceived in, and I sure as hell ain't sleeping on that couch.     

Besides, I've slept in a bed with him, God knows how many times, over the course of my life. It's really not a big deal.    

"Fine. Get in." I roll my eyes and move to the edge of the bed.     

He pulls the covers back, and quickly climbs in next to me. He makes it a point to keep a safe distance between us, but it isn't long before, he's fast asleep and inching toward me, each time he moves.    

He's always been a restless sleeper. He can never wake up in the spot he fell asleep in. There's even been several occasions that he's ended up with his feet against the headboard. How he does it, is beyond me, but it is pretty amusing.     

He rolls over again, and this time, his arms slide around my waist, and he pulls me against him. It takes all I have to try and wriggle myself free, but he seems to have a death grip on my hips.    

I can't help but wonder, if he's actually awake and trying to see just how much he can get away with.     

When his lips make contact with my collarbone, I know I'm right.     

I feel him smile against my skin, and I try to push him away, once again. His mouth begins to slowly move up my neck, and the force behind my shoves lessens, until finally...I'm not pushing him away, at all.     

His lips finally come to rest against mine, and before I know it, we're full on making out, and his hands are everywhere.    

Seriously, why do I even bother trying to play by the rules, when it comes to him? For some reason, I can never hold my ground around him.     

He just...it's like he's got this power over me, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.     

The sensible part of me knows that I should push him away, kick him out of this room, and stick to my guns. But, suddenly...I'm back in the exact same situation, I was in nearly seven months ago, and no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to do it.    

In one swift movement, he's got my shorts pulled down my legs, and he's hovering over me. It sounds so stupid, but it's like this is all instinct....I swear, we're meant to be together, why are we fighting this?    

He finally removes his pajama bottoms, and breaks our contact. He stares down at me, with the smallest smile on his face, and for once...I haven't got any idea what he's thinking.     

As horrible as it sounds...when he finally slides inside of me, the only thing I can think, is that I am, by far, the worlds worst baby sitter.     

I know, we can't do this again. And, if I was smart, I'd stop this, right here and now, but...I just...I can't do it.     

I love him. Plain and simple. I love him. And, all of the problems and arguments and other bullshit doesn't change that fact.     

Maybe...maybe we should just put everything behind us, and start over.

***************************************************************** 

I wake up, expecting to roll over and rest on Justin, but instead...I end up with my face in a cold pillow.  My eyes shoot open, and after a quick look around the room, I see that the clothes that had been scattered all over the floor, are picked up, and set in the laundry basket in the corner. His small suitcase is gone, and I'm completely alone.    

My phone beeps loudly, signaling that I have an unread text message. As quickly as I can, I flip the phone open, and my eyes scan over the message.    

"Sorry...early flight. Call me when you're coming home. We'll hang out."    

That's it? He comes here, tries to patch things up, sleeps with me, and all I get is a lousy text message? What the fuck?    

I should have known.     

I should have known, that he's still the no good, womanizing bastard he's always been. He didn't come here to apologize. He didn't come here to win me back. He didn't come here to fix a God damn thing.    

He came here to get laid.     

I was so stupid to think that maybe, after last night...we could start over.     

I was right the first time. We can't go back to what we were, and after this...I seriously doubt we can even keep our friendship intact.     

But, I'm not falling apart this time. I'm going to put on a brave face, and I'm going to show him that I'm not buying the charming, wonderful Justin act.     

I'm not going to sit here, cry, and be pathetic. He broke my heart once, and I'm not letting him do it again. I've sat back and kept my mouth shut, letting him do what he wants, for far too long.    

I'm not getting mad. I'm getting even.    

I dial the first number that comes to mind, and smile when he finally picks up.     

"Charlie...it's Ally. I'm coming home in a few days, and I think we should get together."

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"-Kelly Clarkson

Yeah...I changed some of the words. lol.