So frustrating knowing what could be
What's even worse is she used to belong to me
As I toss and turn there's nothing I can do
But if she couldn't sleep maybe we could make up
But I just can't seem to wake her up this time
If she couldn't sleep
I know she'd tell herself maybe she might need
A little time to stop her heart from bleeding so
Like me, I wish she couldn't sleep 

    

"If you ask me, it's your own damn fault. You couldn't expect her to wait on you forever."     

"Momma!"    

"Oh don't whine, Justin. You're a grown man." My mother frowns at me, and all I can do, is sit here.     

Lauren and Trace's rehearsal dinner is tomorrow night, and our families all arrived this morning. Lucky for me, I'm on parent-sitting duty for the day, while Ally is at work and Lauren and Trace are off, doing some kind of wedding nonsense.     

Lauren and Trace's parents went to grab breakfast, Ally's parents want absolutely nothing to do with me, so I'm left with my own Mother, who continues to berate me for a stupid mistake I made, two months ago.     

It's a big crock of shit, if you ask me.    

I mean...I fucked up...ok, I get it. Can't we all just move on? I mean, damn. Even Ally has moved on, why can't everybody else?     

It took us awhile to get into the swing of this friends thing, but I think we're doing ok.     

If you consider barely speaking, ok.     

I didn't expect us to immediately go back to being best friends, but I'd really hoped we could find a good balance. Maybe we both screwed this thing up beyond repair, and we're just wasting our time.    

After last night, it's crystal clear to me, that our relationship is over. She's already found someone else.    

And let me just say...I fucking told you so!     

I knew from day one that, that mother fucker wanted her, and now...he's got her. I bet he's jumping for joy, right about now. He got the girl, and I just look like an asshole. I knew it was going to happen...but it still hurts like hell.     

And Charlie rubbing it in, didn't help matters, any. I mean...I know he never really said it, but coming in my house and trying to strike up a conversation, when he's about to take out the woman I love, ain't exactly cool.    

I really felt like I was going crazy last night. I spent the entire evening, pacing the floor and watching the clock, like some worried parent. Thank God, I was home by myself. Nobody needed to see that.     

When headlights finally flashed through the front window around quarter till 11, I hauled ass up to my room, and hopped in bed, like I'd been there all night.     

She came in a few minutes before Lauren and Trace, came straight upstairs, took a shower, and went to bed.     

Like an idiot, I didn't leave my bedroom until I was sure everyone had left for the day. I just...I'm terrified that it went really well, and if it did...I don't want to know.    

I don't want to hear about how perfect Charlie is, or how he swept her off her feet. I don't want to know where they went, or what they did.     

Even if it went badly, I don't want to know. I don't want to see her upset or hurt, because if she is...I'll have to kick the guys ass, and I don't want to do that.    

Ok...maybe I do a little, but that's beside the point.     

"Paul and I are going to get lunch, you want to go?"
    

"Nah...not hungry." I shrug, and she frowns at me again.    

"Don't sit here like a lump all day, Justin. Get out and do something. You've only got a couple weeks left before the tour starts."    

"I've got rehearsals at four." She nods, before her and Paul head out of the house.     

At first, I thought having our families around would be a good distraction, but in a way, they've kind of made everything worse.     

My mother is about ready to hang me, which...I can't really blame her. She had her heart set on Ally and I working out, and I pretty much ruined everybody's dream.    

Ann and Dave...well...they were just a tad on the frigid side, at the airport. I was actually a little shocked, they've always treated me like a son, no matter what was going on. But, apparently breaking their daughter's heart warrants the cold shoulder.     

It makes sense, I guess. If I had a daughter, and some jackass hurt her...I'd probably be out for blood too.     

I just...I never thought anything that I did, would affect this many people. I figured it was between me and Ally, but I guess I was wrong. Apparently, everybody has to have their say, whether I like it or not.     

I'm just not sure how many more times I can stand to hear, what a fucking idiot I am.  

********************************    

Trace pulls his driver out of the bag, and takes several practice swings before grabbing a ball out of the basket, and placing it on the tee.  I guess it's kind of lame, but we decided to do something, just the two of us. It's like, our last hang out before the wedding.    

The rehearsal dinner is just a few hours away, and the wedding is tomorrow. I still can't believe it's already here. It seems like it wasn't that long ago, but when you look back, so much has happened since they got engaged. Our lives have all completely changed since then.         

In a few weeks, we'll all go our separate ways, and I have no idea what's going to happen then. We're shooting the video for My Love, a week after the tour starts, then Lauren and Trace are moving back to Tennessee.     

I still don't have an assistant, and Ally's going to be stuck at the house, by herself. Although, I'm sure Charlie will have no problem keeping her company. Ugh.    

I can't help wondering, if Ally and I hadn't gotten together in the first place, would everything be so different?     

I'm sure Lauren and Trace would still be moving, but would I have an assistant? Would I still have my best friend? Would I still hate Charlie Walters?    

I know, I sound like an asshole for not liking a guy, who's been nothing but nice to me, but he's taking Ally away, and that cancels out any good thing he could ever do. Plus...I just...I get this vibe from him, like he's not completely trustworthy.     

"So...I was thinking..."Trace says suddenly, as he sends another ball sailing through the air. "Ally wouldn't work for you, and date you...does this mean she's going to quit working for Charlie?"    

"They're dating?"    

Trace winces, and nods slowly. "Yeah, man."        

I roll my eyes and grab my driver. I think golf might be the best stress reliever in the world. It's like, you can put all of your aggression into that swing, and the loud crack of the club making contact with the ball, is almost chilling.    

"Are you sure? I mean...I know they went out the other night, but that doesn't mean they're a couple, right?"    

"Well...no. But, Ally really likes him, man."    

"I know." I sigh, and roll my eyes when my ball just misses the 100 yard mark. I am way out of practice, and it's definitely showing. "I just keep thinking, he's going to turn out to be the bastard, I know he is, and she'll come running back to me."
    

"No offense or anything, but I wouldn't hold my breath, J. He's a good guy, and he's crazy about her."    

"Ya know...people keep saying that, but I just can't believe it. It's like he's too good of a guy, ya know?"
    

"You're just jealous." Trace smirks.    

"Of course I am. No matter what...I love her. How would you feel if you had to watch Lauren go out with some guy that you know, is completely wrong for her?"    

"I'd probably kill somebody...but then again...I'm not stupid enough to fuck up with Lauren."    

"Funny."
    

"I defended your honor and shit, if it helps." He shrugs with a laugh. "When he was leaving the other night, I told him I wasn't too happy about this shit. Haven't talked to him since."    

"Thanks, man." I chuckle and shake my head.    

Trace may be little, but he isn't afraid of any damn thing. And, he's about as loyal as it gets. Even though, he thinks I screwed up and caused a lot of unnecessary problems, he's still got my back. Not too many people would do that.    

I really am going to miss his short ass.    

"Anyway...enough woman talk. How's the tour stuff coming?"    

"It's fuckin awesome, man. The stage is huge...I can't wait."    

"Still don't have a PA?"     

"Nah...Johnny will find one. I'm not too worried."    

"You know...I might have an idea." He grins wickedly, and I can only imagine what he's thinking.    

The guy is like an evil genius. You never know what the hell he's going to come up with. But, to his credit...his ideas usually end up being fantastic.    

He starts spouting off his plan, and I quickly find myself nodding along, and grinning from ear to ear. Even I've got to admit, it's fucking brilliant. I should have thought of it, months ago, but I guess I was too wrapped up in my emotional drama to do anything productive.    

We agree to set this thing in motion, tonight at the rehearsal dinner, and all I can think is that, it's either the dumbest, or smartest thing, I've ever done.    

Hopefully, it's the latter. Because I've done enough dumb shit, to last a lifetime.     

We spend the rest of the afternoon at the driving range, talking about the wedding, the big move, Ally and all of her nonsense, and of course, the tour.    

I'm actually really glad we did it. It's been way too long since Trace and I got to do something together, that didn't involve work, or some other stupid shit. I really think, that even though he's moving, we'll still be as cool as we've always been.     

Besides, my family is still in Memphis, so it's not like I'm never there. Everything's going to be just fine, and we've all spent way too long worrying and freaking out.     

We eventually head home, to get ready for the rehearsal dinner, and before I know it, we're at the reception hall, waiting for everyone else to arrive.    

Lauren and Trace are doing the whole traditional thing, and tonight will be the last time they see each other, until Lauren walks down that aisle tomorrow evening.    

Trace is quickly becoming a ball of nerves, and it's actually kind of funny. He's played it cool through all of this, but I guess the reality is finally setting in. I know, it'll all be fine though. No matter how nervous he is, everyone knows, he's beyond happy.    

It's another half an hour, before our families start to show up, but there's still no sign of Lauren, or Ally. It doesn't really surprise me, I'm sure Lauren is all into girl mode, and freaking out about her hair, or some other ridiculous thing girls worry about, that no one else really notices.     

I just wish they'd hurry it the hell up. We've got a long night ahead of us, and I'm already super uncomfortable.     

I don't get why we have to dress up for this thing. It's a rehearsal. When I'm in rehearsals, I'm usually in sweats.     

"Where the hell are they? We have an hour to eat, before we have to get over to the church." Trace is practically shaking, and I have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at him. I'll bet Lauren isn't even as nervous as he is.    

"Calm down, man. They'll be here."    

"Calm down? Let's see you calm down with four sets of crazy parents on your ass. And your Mom...damn. Every time she looks at me, she gets all teary eyed and shit."    

"You know how she is." I shrug and gulp down the rest of my drink.     

"It's about damn time." Trace mutters as Ally and Lauren finally stroll in.     

Just as I suspected, Lauren is made up to the hilt. Perfect hair, perfect make up. I'd be lying if I said, it wasn't worth it. She looks fantastic. She's got this glow all around her, and you can see just how happy she is.     

Trace rushes over to her, grabs her by the hand, and drags her off toward the parents, leaving Ally at the door. She watches the two of them for a minute, before laughing to herself and shaking her head.     

Somebody really should have told her, that it's not polite to upstage the bride. She looks...breathtaking. She has on this simple, sleeveless black dress, that's cut to just below her knees. The neckline dips down low enough to show off some cleavage, but it's still conservative enough, to keep you guessing. And, it hugs her in all the right places and just....damn.     

I'm an idiot. A complete and utter moron. I mean seriously...what the fuck was I thinking? How, could I have ever let that get away?    

I make my way over to her, and once I'm in front of her, she smiles awkwardly at me.    

"Hey, Jus."    

"Ally...you look...amazing." She giggles and rolls her eyes.     

"You don't look so bad yourself." She picks at the collar of my dark blue button up, and smirks. "Tie and all, I'm impressed."    

"Eh." I shrug and smile at her. "Lauren would have shot my ass if I didn't."    

"Very true. She spent almost three hours on just her make up. She'll probably be even worse tomorrow."    

"Oh definitely."    

This is killing me. I absolutely hate small talk, and with her...it's just horrible. I almost feel like I don't know her anymore, and I can't stand that.    

Even if we can't get the romantic aspect of things back on track, I atleast want my best friend back.     

Trace's little plan may not be 100 percent honest, but if it works...it could keep everything intact. I'm not out to hurt anyone...I just...I want to correct my mistakes.     

"So, I heard rehearsals are going really well."
    

"So far." I nod slowly and grin. "You'll have to come out to a show sometime."    

"Wouldn't miss it." She says honestly. "Anyway...I think we're supposed to eat now." She giggles, and gestures to the large table that everyone is seated at.     

None of them seem to be paying attention to us, but Ally quickly takes a seat next to her Father, who gives me a glare as I slide into a chair between Trace and Johnny Wright.    

The entire wedding party digs into their dinners and there's a million conversations going on at once. This is my chance. If Trace and I are going to go through with this, it's now or never.        

"T...you ready?" I elbow him, and he glances at Johnny, before giving me a short nod.    

"Hey Johnny...I got a question for you, man." Johnny looks between the two of us suspiciously.    

"Well..we've got a pretty strict employee fraternization clause, right?"    

"Of course. Why?" He takes a sip of his drink, before frowning and glaring at me. "Justin...so help me God, if you're screwing one of your dancers, before the tour has even started..."     

I roll my eyes and give him the most serious expression, I can muster. "Please. I'm completely single. I haven't had sex in...like a month." I shudder at that thought, and let Trace do the talking.    

"See...we have reason to believe that someone in production is kind of dating his assistant."    

"I'm assuming this is about Charlie Walters?"    

"Yeah, him and Ally had a date the other night, and according to Lauren...they plan on going out again." Trace shrugs. "Thought you'd want to know."    

"I appreciate the information, boys. But, they aren't dating. Trust me."    

"I don't know, man. I was there when he picked her up." I smirk as Johnny's eyes widen.    

So far, it's looking good. Johnny looks fairly pissed, and I guarantee, it won't be long before Ally is pulled out of the production department, and back as my PA.    

Part of me does feel a little bad. Ally really loves that job...but hey...rules are rules. It states, in everyone's contracts, that inter-office dating is heavily frowned upon. As soon as her and I got together, she ran to Johnny and put in her resignation. Why should Charlie get her at his side every single day, when I didn't?    

What about him, is so much better than me?    

"Justin...there's absolutely no way. I know what the hell I'm talking about."    

"Johnny...we're serious. We saw them." Trace says, matching Johnny's serious tone.     

"Look...I don't know what you two are trying to pull, or what you think you saw, but they are not dating. Charlie is a happily married man."    

What. The. Fuck.    

My head immediately snaps over in Ally's direction. Her and Lauren are giggling about something, and I feel like somebody just hit me over the head with a hammer.     

Johnny and Trace's conversation is getting much more heated, but I can't focus on anything they're saying.     

I just...I can't believe this. He's fucking married?    

What the hell?        

I mean, I knew he wasn't as great as he made himself out to be, but never in a million years, did I expect something like this.     

How could he do this to her? How could he spend months, going after her, when he's fucking married? And, where the hell has his wife been during all of this shit?    

How the hell am I going to tell Ally? I know, she won't believe it, coming from me. She'll think I'm just trying to get her back again.    

I get up from the table, without a word, and head for the door. I just...I can't sit here, and look at her, knowing this.     

I'm going to kill that mother fucker. If he thinks he had problems with me before, he ain't seen nothing yet.     

As satisfying as it is, to say that I knew it, I'm not happy. I always thought, that finding out Charlie was a piece of shit, would be this, thrilling, amazing thing, but...it's not.     

Ally stands to get very hurt, in all of this, and I just can't tolerate that. I can't sit back and watch someone else hurt her. I've got to do something. I just don't know what.    

Trace exits the building a minute later, and he looks about an angry as I feel. This may be harder for me, but I know it's not easy for him, either. Trace is a really protective guy, so I'm sure he's ready to fuck Charlie up, too.    

"You gotta calm down, J." He says quietly, through gritted teeth. "Johnny's going to get her out of the production department, and believe me...I'm beyond pissed...but there's more important shit going on here. If you tell her now...it's going to fuck up the rest of tonight, and tomorrow."    

"I just...I don't get it."    

"I don't either, and we'll handle it...just...just not yet."    

"You know...she won't believe me. She'll think I'm just being a dick." I say helplessly, and he nods slowly.    

"Probably. We'll figure it out, alright? If I have to, I'll call Charlie, and make him fucking tell her."    

"We shouldn't have done this. We should have just stayed out of it."    

"Oh, so you'd rather her get in really deep with him, and get hurt worse? Good thinking, dipshit. Just calm the fuck down. We'll figure it out. Now, let's go back inside, finish dinner, and go to the church."    

I nod, and follow him back inside. I know he's right, and I know, he'll figure out a way to get this out into the open, but right now...I'm too damn mad to even think.    

How could anyone do something to hurt her? I may have made countless mistakes with her, but never, did I intend to cause her any pain.    

We get through dinner, without incident, and finally make our way to the church. After brief instructions, everyone takes their place, and we start rehearsing our every move for tomorrow night.    

As the other groomsmen and bridesmaids make their way down the aisle in front of us, Ally and I stand, with our arms linked, not saying a word to each other. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her glance at me every few minutes, and I know she's just dying to say something.    

I don't think she's ever been able to just be quiet.    

"What are you so mad about?" She finally asks.    

"I'm just tired." I mumble, not taking my eyes off the front of the church.    

If I look at her, I know I'll break down, and tell her everything, and that just can't happen right now. Our problems have overshadowed this wedding, for way too long. I'm not about to cause any more issues.    

This wedding is going to be fucking perfect, and I'm going to make sure of it. I don't care what I have to do...nothing is going wrong tonight, or tomorrow.    

"Well...cheer up." She nudges me and smiles. "You're supposed to be the super happy best man, right now."    

"You're right." I force a smile, and plant a kiss on the side of her head.    

"Of course I am." She giggles. "And don't think I'm letting that kiss slide. When we leave, I'm so kicking your ass."    

"Ally Lynn...what would your Mother say, if she heard you cussing in church?"    

She rolls her eyes, and smirks. "Anyway...I was thinking...Lauren and Trace aren't really taking a honeymoon, so maybe you and I, could chip in together, and send them on a trip?"    

"Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Get it all together, and let me know what you need."    

"Good." She nods as we begin our walk down the aisle. "You're a good guy, Justin."    

"Yeah...if you say so."    

"You are. Believe it or not, you and Charlie are a lot alike."    

"Whatever you say, Al."    

I swallow the lump in my throat, and force yet another smile. She giggles, and rolls her eyes, before we each take our places. Her, beside Lauren, and me, beside Trace. The preacher begins his sermon, and all I can do, is stare at her.    

For the first time, since all of our bullshit started, she looks genuinely happy. How am I supposed to tell her about Charlie, when I know it's just going to hurt her? I love this woman, how can I look at her, and put her through even more shit?    

I'd love to keep this to myself, and spare her feelings, even if it's just for a little while, but I know I can't.    

In a roundabout way, I got exactly what I wanted.     

Charlie is the bastard, I've always known he was. Johnny's getting Ally out of the production department. Everything is in place, for me to come to her rescue.    

It's everything I wanted, but at the same time...it's not.    

She smiles brightly at me, and I try my best, to do the same.    

Trace is right. I need to just calm down, and keep my mouth shut the next two days. Two days. It'll be cake. I can do this.    

***************************************************    

"Justin...you awake?"    

My bedroom door creaks open slowly, and I mumble out a reply. I've been semi-conscious since I got home, so being woken up isn't that big of a deal.    

On the way home from church, Trace and I decided that we weren't going to say a word about what Johnny told us, until after the wedding. So, as soon as we walked in the house, we both went straight to bed. Which, is probably a good idea in the long run, since we have to be up fairly early tomorrow.    

The girls are supposed to be staying at a hotel with our parents, so I haven't got a clue, what Ally's doing here at almost midnight.     

"Justin...wake up!" She whispers harshly and shakes my arm.   

 I sit up slowly, and rub my face a few times before flipping on the light by my bed. "Al..what the hell are you doing here?"    

"Lauren sent me to get some stuff, and I wanted to talk to you."    

"Can't we just talk tomorrow? I'm kinda tired."    

"Nope. I want to know why you were acting so weird tonight."    

I roll my eyes, and give her a stupid look. "I told you. I'm tired."    

"Don't lie to me."    

"Al...seriously...why does it matter? It's fucking midnight. We've all got a long ass day ahead of us. Go back to the hotel, and get some sleep."    

"It's about me and Charlie, isn't it?"    

I freeze at her question, and take a deep breath. The perfect opportunity to tell her, is staring me straight in the face. But, I can't do it. I made a promise to Trace, and I'm going to keep it.         

She sighs, and plops down on the bed next to me. "Justin, I'm sorry. I know we aren't exactly on good terms, and we're supposed to be figuring this whole thing out...but, I really like him. And he's just...he's so sweet, and I really want to see what happens. I feel so guilty and I just..."    

"Al...it's fine." I quickly interrupt her.     

If she keeps going on about how great that fucker is, I know I won't be able to keep my mouth shut.     

"Really...I just want you to be happy. We're cool."    

"I really wish we would have worked." She says quietly as she wraps her arms around my middle, and rests her head on my shoulder.     

"It still could, ya know."    

"Justin..." She sighs and looks up at me.    

I can't take this anymore. I need her. Why the hell can't she see that? I know I messed up, but we could put it all behind us, and start over. What we had was amazing, and I still think we could bounce back from the stupid shit that happened.  She has to know that.    

I press my lips to hers, and quickly pull back. Her eyes widen a bit, but the look on her face, completely gives her away.         

She knows I'm right.    

I kiss her again, this time, allowing my tongue to slip inside her mouth.    

I miss this. I miss having her in my arms. I miss the way she wraps her arms around my neck, the feel of her lips on mine, the way she tastes, the way she smells. I just miss her.    

How can she be around me, and not feel every bit of what I'm feeling? We're supposed to be together, and she keeps ignoring it.     

She pushes me away and frowns. "We're not doing this again. I fell for it in Memphis, but it's not happening again." She stands up, and heads for the door, and that's when it hits me.    

Trace was right. She thinks I went to Memphis, just to sleep with her.    

"That wasn't what that was, and you know it."    

She whirls around to look at me, and there's nothing but anger on her face. "What was it, Justin? Because, all I know is that you just left."    

"I had a fucking plane to catch!" I hop out of bed, and move to stand in front of her. "Maybe I should have gotten you up or something, but I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry Ally...I'm sorry I'm a fucking idiot, and I'm sorry that I don't know how to do anything right with you. You make me so damn nervous, I can't even see straight sometimes. I love you, more than I ever thought possible, and it scares the hell out of me. And I just..I freak out, and I don't know what I'm doing."    

"You don't have to work so hard, you know. You didn't have to propose. You didn't have to get all weirded out about Charlie. I wasn't going anywhere, Justin. I didn't want or need anything else. I don't know how to make you understand that. You don't have to be nervous, or worry about what I think. I wanted you, exactly how you were...ego trips and all."    

I can't help but laugh and shake my head. She's right. She's so completely right.  She didn't need a ring. She didn't need me to constantly dote on her.  She just needed me.    

"But, it's too late now. I'm not going to walk away from Charlie, just because you've finally decided to come to your senses, Justin. I love you...but we both know it just won't work. I think we both just need to move on."    

"Ally...come on..."    

"I better go." She forces a smile, and opens the door. "I'll see you at church." She steps out of my bedroom, and it's a matter of seconds before her car starts, and she pulls out of the driveway.    

I slam the door shut, and crawl back into bed. Part of me knows, I should have told her. I should have said fuck Trace, and his wedding, and just told her the truth...but I just couldn't do it.    

I guess it's just more proof that I can't do a God damn thing right when it comes to that girl.    

But, when the shit hits the fan...I'm going to turn it around. I'm going to be there for her, and hopefully...she'll wake up and realize everything that I've been trying to tell her.    

I know where I screwed up, and I'll be more than happy, to spend the rest of my life making it up to her, if she'll let me.

"If She Couldn't Sleep"-Blessid Union Of Souls